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tonight on america's dumbest criminals
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meet some on the run teenagers who just
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don't know when to quit
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a whacked out clown who should have run
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off to join the circus instead of making
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this home video
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and a shifty defendant who decides to
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dismiss himself from court proceedings
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who's the dumbest of the dumb
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judge for yourself right here right now
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on america's dumbest criminals
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[Music]
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wow
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[Music]
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now welcome your host for adc daniel
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butler and debbie allen
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okay debbie
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i bought your present oh that makes me
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nervous you got me a present yeah yeah
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see this a red ball no no no oh
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contraire this is a clown's nose i saw
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this and i thought of you here am i
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supposed to be flattered by that no
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you're supposed to put it on go ahead
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come on
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come on just put it on right now yeah i
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got you small they didn't have petite
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okay
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it's you now all you need is one of
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those little bitty cars and about 35
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little friends
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i actually wish i had a cream pie or a
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bottle of seltzer water for him
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this is so
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you you don't have to thank me no really
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no no no put the nose back on because
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it's going to help you introduce our
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first story
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great okay i feel like a real bozo now
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but i realize i pale in comparison to
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the pot grower you're about to meet i
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sound kind of nasal don't i
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no this fella's a real clown see for
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yourself
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[Music]
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a few months ago we got a tip that some
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kids were stealing marijuana from a guy
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that had a marijuana grow operation and
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we did a follow-up investigation we got
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enough for a search warrant we went into
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the house and there were three mobile
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homes set up as a growing operation and
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while we were doing the process of
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tearing apart the grow operation we
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found some videotapes and i found one
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that was really interesting it said bozo
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bubblegum and i assumed it was a child's
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tape and reviewed the other videotapes
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while i'm writing my arrest affidavit
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for the defendant and when i got done i
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put the last bozo bubblegum tape in
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there and it was my defendant with a
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clown mask on it was obvious was our
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defendant he didn't have a shirt on he
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had a really unique body a large pot
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belly was sticking out we knew this was
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our guy
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and i thought oh my gosh this is great
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so i watched the whole tape and during
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the tape he introduced himself as i'm
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bozo bubble gum i'm going to show you
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how to clone marijuana plants and we
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brought him inside
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and he saw the tape rolling i pointed
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out to him he lost all the color in his
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face he just knew that we had everything
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we needed right there
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okay
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you see how that does really helped that
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first story oh yeah i could really feel
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it well there you go well hey but
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nothing says impressive like
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personalized stationary right yeah and
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nothing says nitwit like what this next
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guy does with his personalized
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stationery he applies that oh so
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important personal touch to something to
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remember me by
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okay so this guy walks into a bank and
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it sounds like i'm doing a comedy
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routine
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brings his note in
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hands it to the teller says give me all
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your cash
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she gives him the cash she leaves she
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keeps a note calls the cops
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takes a look at the notices from the
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desk off
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so we collect a note go over to where
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this guy worked walk in
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and show him the note asking if he made
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any withdrawals lately
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and he gave it right up
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[Music]
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according to a recent study there are
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more than one billion credit cards being
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wielded in the united states today and
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that's some high wattage charging yeah
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but we learned of a guy who did more
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damage to his credit than the average
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citizen here's the statement of facts
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from surveillance video we've got an
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individual inside of belk's department
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store in burlington north carolina
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he's in there and he's looking around
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some of the merchandise in the process
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of filling out a credit application he
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sits down fills out complete correct and
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accurate information on this particular
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credit application uh submits it shortly
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thereafter commits a large steam steals
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various items from the store as he walks
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out some of our officers working
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security there pursuing chasing down
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across the parking lot to make an
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apprehension obviously in this
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particular case had he gotten away we
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found out he had given us his correct
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name address date of birth and telephone
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number
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obviously this guy did not obtain the
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credit card
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[Music]
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in mobile alabama it's illegal to howl
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at ladies inside the city limits
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[Music]
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officers will tell you that among the
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most dangerous calls they respond to are
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those related to domestic disputes when
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things got loud at a home in wheat ridge
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colorado though officers cautiously
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moved in with no idea of the surprise
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that waited on the other side of the
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door now as the story unfolds the
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officer is given an answer that deserves
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a place among america's dumbest excuses
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we got a call about a disturbance couple
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of people yelling at each other and when
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i got there i could hear him yelling
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inside and
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some guy was yelling i had a teenager
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for jim and i had a teener for bill
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[Applause]
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tiner is a
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.10 gram bag of drugs as is as i
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understand it and we got them separated
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got them set down i found that they were
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indeed distributing drugs they had a
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triple beam scale with a pile of white
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powder on top of it and a bunch of small
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little baggies and
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apparently
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he had been packaging up the goods and
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she'd been using them up as fast as he
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could package them i do a little bit i
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don't know
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when we went to arrest him he fought
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with us and in the course of the fight
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he got a little cut on his head and
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after he was in handcuffs he
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brazenly pointed out you didn't have to
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do that to me
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i said if you just stayed where you were
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none of this would have happened and he
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said i didn't want you coming here and
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waking up my kids i told him you didn't
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want me coming here and finding your
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coke he said that's not coke it's meth
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sorry to offend you let's go at which
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point i apologize for being rude and
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calling his math
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coke he was very indignant about the
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fact that i'd called his
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methamphetamines cocaine i guess it's
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nice to work with a true professional
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who knows what he's doing
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all right you're familiar with the term
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out of court settlement well things get
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settled out of court in this
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surveillance video but the crook was
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clearly unhappy with the outcome
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travel with us to kearney nebraska for
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the sly proceedings
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[Music]
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a bumper crop of prisoners are heading
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into court when suddenly whoa nelly
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number seven decides to detour out the
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side door with deputy right on his heels
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how fast was his departure well he left
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his impractical yet stylish footwear
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behind when he took flight immediately
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officers spread out to reclaim the
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independent-minded inmate and before
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long he was back in all too familiar
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surroundings
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he was only probably
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an escapee for about a minute before he
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was apprehended
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and the really good news
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no one stole his lovely shoes while he
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was gone
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[Music]
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you've heard of a tale of two cities
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well now we bring you a tale of two
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pities it's a double story of a career
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criminal who really should consider a
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job change because he's just not very
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good at illegal activity take a look
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i've received information
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that a citizen in our city billy
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was selling narcotics
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so i started to frequent his house a lot
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and during this time the animal control
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officer had issued him several citations
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for having too many animals
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these citations went to warmth
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aha
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billy told the animal control officer
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that he was cold
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and asked if he could step back in the
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house and get a coat
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down control officer said oh yeah sure
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and i'm thinking oh no if he had any
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dope on him he's getting rid of it
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so i went ahead and arrested him on the
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animal control warrants and he had about
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100 grams of methamphetamine
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in his pants pockets
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he told me
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that he had gone back into the house
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to get
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the drugs so that his friends wouldn't
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steal him for him from him while he's in
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jail
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that's why they call it dope
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[Laughter]
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approximately two months later i had
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occasion to visit with billy again
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his neighbor called me a little old lady
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and told me that someone was stealing
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her electricity
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when i first heard this i thought yeah
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right they're carrying it out buckets
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right but anyway i get there and she
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said no no no come look
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and
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and her on the outside of her garage was
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an external electrical plug
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and plugged into this was an ex an
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orange extension cord
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and it was running over towards billy's
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house so i walked around to the back of
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the house and there's billy out there
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cooking on a little campfire
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in the in the backyard outside his back
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door
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and i asked him i said
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billy what are you doing he said
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i have to cook them on the
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on the campfire out here because all my
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utilities are shut off so
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i arrested him for theft of utilities
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both of the times that i arrested billy
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he had five hundred dollars in his
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pocket the first time and six hundred
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dollars in his pocket the second time
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more than enough
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to pay his bills or to pay off the
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animal control warrants
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[Music]
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and now for a man who's made his mark on
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history and is being forced to pay for
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damages here's daniel with abc headlines
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[Applause]
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okay
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shoplifters usually hide their loot in
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their clothes but not a lady in beaufort
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north carolina she hid a pair of diamond
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stud earrings in her stomach oh yeah she
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swallowed them without thinking that
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getting them out might be
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painful and
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probably a little messy but when she was
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apprehended police also discovered she
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had stolen two diamond rings assorted
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underwear and 12 stakes
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now i need to point out right here that
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none of the additional items were found
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in her person okay
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miss manners would be at least partially
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proud of the two teenage girls who tried
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to rob a store in birmingham alabama one
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asked a cleric for pen and paper and
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then they wrote out a very polite
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robbery note the clerk told the girls
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that she had a customer to attend to
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first so the ingenue thieves waited
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their turn
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never thinking that the clerk had set
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off the silent alarm when she walked to
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the rear of the store when the police
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arrived the girls were relieved of their
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cap gun
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that they were concealing and then they
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were most graciously escorted off to
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jail
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you know things were not up to par for a
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golfer in ohio who got carted off to
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jail for driving a golf cart while
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intoxicated wait a minute a drunk golfer
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oh there's a novelty
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he zoomed across the putting green
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before slicing into a post and hooking a
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sign he was sure he could get off with
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just paying for damages but no mulligans
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for him the officer was sufficiently
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peed off at the hacker's recklessness to
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charge him with dui
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and that closes the file on adc
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headlines news ripped from somewhere
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near the back of your local newspaper
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ready
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you know the story of alice in
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wonderland when alice took a tumble
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through the looking glass she fell into
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real trouble we'll see if you see any
00:12:49
similarities as you look at this story
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from north miami beach florida
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we're working surveillance and these
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guys have been coming in and breaking
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into cars five you know five cars a
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night i was working in the capacity as a
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crime suppression on our tactical team
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so i was in plain clothes driving an
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unmarked car my sergeant he's circling
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the area in which we're supposed to be
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watching he gets on the radio and tells
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us hey you know come over here because i
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got a couple of good guys i get up there
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and as i turn the corner they're outside
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they're looking into this car they get a
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little antsy they jump in back into
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their car and they drive off so i go
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about 20 feet away
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from the v from the other vehicle in my
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back my car underneath this palm tree
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it's pretty dark and the vehicle i was
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driving had dark windows
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it must have been four minutes
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these guys circle the corner again pull
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up next to the same car the driver gets
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out of the car so he starts skipping
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over to my car as he starts coming down
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the street i get on the radio say hey
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look he's coming to my car he got you
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know my sergeant everybody gets on and
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says no just see what they're going to
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do that's okay no problem so i scoot
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down in the seat and i'm sitting there
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waiting for this guy to come to see what
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he's going to do you know so he gets to
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the front window on the driver's side
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when he starts peeking inside the car
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now i'm wearing a dark t-shirt it's
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pretty dark in here the wind is dark so
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he goes around to the tinted portion of
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the glass he starts trying the door
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handle he goes around the car i'm
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telling him on the radio hey look he's
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trying to get into my car they're
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yelling to me let him break in let him
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break in then we'll take him down i said
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no problem so i'm look i look up to see
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exactly where he's at and when i turn
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around to look over my shoulder
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he's at the back window which didn't
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have any tints and his face is pressed
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against the window like this
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i turn around i stick my head up he
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starts to scream
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i i jump out the car i start to scream
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hey take him down he starts running down
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the street as fast as he could towards
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the other car my sergeant cuts them off
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takes down the passenger i get out i'm
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on foot chasing me down the street he
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starts going in a big oval so he runs
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around in the middle of the intersection
00:14:50
with me behind her runs right into my
00:14:52
sergeant so we end up taking him down
00:14:55
you know i can't believe this guy was
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trying to break into the police car that
00:14:57
i was actually sitting
00:15:00
you know
00:15:02
if people would just obey the law they
00:15:04
could save themselves so much time and
00:15:06
trouble
00:15:08
but no there's some component in the
00:15:11
man's lower nature that kicks in and
00:15:13
says i bet i can get away with this and
00:15:16
when those thoughts become action
00:15:18
something like this happened
00:15:20
about a year ago i wanted to make a
00:15:23
traffic stop down south near san luis
00:15:25
he was speeding about 75 miles per hour
00:15:27
in a 50 mile per hour zone turned on my
00:15:29
emergency lights the vehicle pulled over
00:15:32
as i was about to step out the vehicle
00:15:33
took off i remember a right front
00:15:35
passenger waved at me as she was driving
00:15:36
away
00:15:37
then turned on my siren we followed him
00:15:39
i radioed ahead to the san luis police
00:15:40
department that i was in a pursuit they
00:15:43
set up spikes near their town and the
00:15:45
vehicle ran over the spikes the vehicle
00:15:47
stopped the driver took off running the
00:15:48
san luis police department ran after the
00:15:50
driver
00:15:52
myself and other san luis police units
00:15:54
took the rest of the passengers out at
00:15:56
gunpoint ordered them to get on the
00:15:57
ground get on the ground now
00:15:59
get on the ground i remember two female
00:16:01
passengers that i had at gunpoint
00:16:03
weren't doing what i was telling them to
00:16:04
do and we were yelling very loudly get
00:16:06
on the ground get on the ground and for
00:16:08
some reasons that i have no idea why the
00:16:10
one of the females pulled off her shirt
00:16:12
and was standing there in her bra and
00:16:14
her jeans and i was just dumbfounded i
00:16:16
didn't know what to do i
00:16:17
i just stood there and stared at her and
00:16:19
sort of the officers behind me
00:16:21
and
00:16:22
it must have been five or ten seconds
00:16:24
where it was quiet and her friend
00:16:26
told her said hey no they want you to
00:16:28
get on the ground and they finally got
00:16:30
on the ground we handcuffed them and i
00:16:31
asked her i said why did you take your
00:16:32
shirt off
00:16:33
she says you told me to i said no no we
00:16:35
were telling you to get on the ground
00:16:36
get on the ground and that was her
00:16:38
reason
00:16:40
[Applause]
00:16:44
in port arthur texas obnoxious odors may
00:16:46
not be emitted while in an elevator
00:16:51
do you remember that great scene in the
00:16:53
movie blazing saddles where black
00:16:55
sheriff fast talks his way out of being
00:16:56
lynched by a bunch of feeble-minded
00:16:58
racists well our final tale is a
00:17:01
real-life reversal on that story and we
00:17:03
applaud the quick witted work of the
00:17:05
officer who stars in tonight's
00:17:06
installment of we're not making this up
00:17:08
[Music]
00:17:13
this housing area was a
00:17:15
really really high crime area we were
00:17:17
having a lot of problems there
00:17:19
got a call in the area and
00:17:21
everybody in the city was busy but me so
00:17:23
i didn't have any backup units or
00:17:25
anything to go with me
00:17:27
and when i got there i got surrounded
00:17:28
immediately by who made the phone call
00:17:31
it was actually set up as an ambush it
00:17:33
wasn't really a call
00:17:34
they immediately
00:17:36
went to telling me all the body parts
00:17:38
that i was fixing to lose and they
00:17:39
intended on killing me and that's when
00:17:41
we had six shot providers
00:17:44
i'm thinking there's no way that i can
00:17:46
take all these guys out with six shots
00:17:47
so i really didn't know what to do
00:17:50
i don't know what made me think of this
00:17:52
but it worked
00:17:54
i carried a bottle of white out in my
00:17:55
right front pocket for reports and i
00:17:57
reached in got a bottle of whiteout out
00:18:00
opened the lid
00:18:02
and said okay guys y'all come on i'll
00:18:04
just white every one of you out
00:18:07
and they just they just started looking
00:18:08
at me started laughing and they just
00:18:11
turned walked off
00:18:13
said
00:18:14
you talking about flash going i got out
00:18:16
of there
00:18:17
so i like i said i don't know if it was
00:18:18
just
00:18:19
them thinking i was crazy or they were
00:18:21
really dumb
00:18:23
[Applause]
00:18:36
what's with the pie well you got me this
00:18:38
wonderful clown nose and i want you to
00:18:40
have something so right after we say our
00:18:41
goodbyes
00:18:44
right now you know folks i think we
00:18:46
should just keep going tonight for maybe
00:18:48
a few more hours in fact i wish our time
00:18:50
together would never end daniel because
00:18:52
just there thank you no well okay we
00:18:55
would like to thank the officers who
00:18:56
helped us tonight and uh of course you
00:18:59
for tuning in
00:19:00
we also want to thank uh you know the
00:19:02
receptionist at the police station
00:19:05
and our sincere gratitude to
00:19:07
everybody who works in law enforcement
00:19:09
for the great job you do i could i could
00:19:10
go on and on about your good work that's
00:19:13
enough for that what you sure yeah
00:19:15
because well there's the crew yeah
00:19:17
there's the crew as always we hope that
00:19:18
we've all learned from others mistakes
00:19:20
including daniel we could but if you
00:19:22
haven't you just might
00:19:24
we might just see you next week on
00:19:27
america's government
00:19:42
[Applause]
00:19:54
okay
00:19:59
[Applause]
00:20:02
[Music]
00:20:11
you
