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greetings law-abiding viewers i'm daniel
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butler and this is america's dumbest
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criminals
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[Music]
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on this episode of america's dominest
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criminals dial an art hey what's up yeah
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who's this you only live vice
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scales on the roof what do you call this
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second time around
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base not what not who threw that turkey
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at me
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and out on a limb
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on america's dumbest criminals and now
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here's your host daniel butler going to
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an atm to get money has become yet
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another necessary chore like doing
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laundry washing the dog and mowing the
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lawn wouldn't it be nice though if we
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had an atm right in our own home
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well these three cheese wizards gave it
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the old dumb criminal try they
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immediately spray painted the glass over
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the camera lens before they got started
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but they didn't notice that they had
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knocked that very glass off while trying
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to pry the machine from the wall
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the camera was able to capture their
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bungled bank job complete with
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flattering close-ups of their frustrated
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faces as they attempted without success
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to dislodge the concrete cash cow from
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its corner by attaching a chain to the
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bumper of their very photogenic
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automobile and like the movie face-off
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the boys only managed to get away with
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the face of the helpless atm and in
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return it kept their faces on tape for
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the police to view a few minutes later
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most of the time when the missouri
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police respond to the hold up of a
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liquor store they don't expect to get
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much more than a description of the
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robber in this particular instance
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though they even got his name and
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address
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give me the money
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push him push the money do it
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push out man
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you see when they questioned the victim
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as to how he came to know the criminal's
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name and address he promptly told him oh
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he used to work at this liquor store
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the saying don't dirty your own doorstep
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obviously only applies to clever
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criminals by the way this stunts was
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picked up at his home where he was
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sitting at the kitchen table counting
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the stolen cash
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go figure
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usually when you dial the wrong number
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it's no big deal right oops sorry wrong
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number the worst thing is you call them
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right back and then they get a little
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ticked off but that's just normal people
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wrong numbers when a dumb criminal dials
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one he dials a whopper
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it all started when a drug dealer named
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wayne called what he thought was the
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pager of his supplier hey what's up yeah
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who's this hey i need a quarter pound of
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good stuff
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yes wayne not only didn't get his drug
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supplier he also dumb lucked out and
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called detective jim porter of the bend
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oregon narcotics division of course
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porter knew all the drug lingo and since
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wayne didn't recognize his voice he was
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able to set up a sale telling the buyer
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that he wasn't well and would send his
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nephew instead
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hey what's up you got the right stuff in
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yeah wayne i got the right stuff
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problem is you got the wrong number
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you're under arrest
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he crazy i've been doing business for
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you for six months and what's up with
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that now it took three hours to convince
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the push button pothead that he had
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gotten the wrong number and when
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detective porter realized what digits
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had been switched he was also able to
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arrest wayne's actual supplier
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go
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hey dudes talk about a bad connection
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bummer
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[Music]
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for an undercover police officer it's
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hard to do a return engagement after an
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arrest has been made
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but with dumb criminals around you can
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always try for an encore
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detective sergeant sean matheny of akron
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ohio was working undercover for the vice
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unit when he saw a prostitute he'd
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arrested for solicitation just two
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months earlier maybe she liked his
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familiar face but matheny soon had
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grounds for yet another arrest not a bad
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deal
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listen um i need to ask you favor when
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we're done
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could you drop me at the county jail if
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you could
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believe it or not the woman was going to
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serve her sentence from the last arrest
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i'll tell you what
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why don't we just go why don't we just
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go now you're under arrest you're under
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arrest
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you know i really have no i'm really
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offended
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my last date same thing
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yes she was once vice two times a lady
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of the night
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we need your help on this next story
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because it is unconfirmed
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if you are a witness to this crime
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please contact us immediately
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the man driving the expensive black
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mercedes has the gnawing feeling that he
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had forgotten something when he left his
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house
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he was still trying to think of what it
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was when a rookie officer pulled him
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over is there a problem officer yes
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there's a problem i think that you have
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a controlled substance in your vehicle
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uh that's crazy i don't know what what
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proof do you have well this scale here
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it looks like a measuring scale that's
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not mine sir want you to step out of the
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car
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a subsequent search of the man's vehicle
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revealed 36 one ounce baggies of cocaine
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what do you call this
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that that that's not mine
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that doesn't belong to me sir well
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you're the one driving this car and this
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kid was sitting on top of the motor
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vehicle sorry i don't i can't say
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anything now
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what started out as a good deed ended up
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in the arrest of a local drug kingpin
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that the police had been searching for
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for months
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what are the odds
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you
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have the right to remain seated
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you have the right to remain seated
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and now crimes of the week with daniel
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butler and beaumont bacon welcome to
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another edition of crimes of the week
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i'm daniel butler and this is beaumont
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bacon you know our first story
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highlights a car a bar and a dummy who
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didn't get far that rhymed what it did
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that was pretty while on patrol two
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officers on foot patrol spotted a
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suspicious looking car it was suspicious
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because the front window was broken out
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upon further inspection they realized
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that the steering column had been
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jimmied even before they could run the
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tag number though a man approached the
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car and opened the front door the police
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asked sir is this your vehicle yes it is
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he replied the officer responded with
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well we have reason to believe this
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car's stolen at which point the man
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openly confessed okay you got me i stole
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it
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just like that immediately
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as it turned out the man had indeed
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stolen the car from a house two doors
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down it wasn't very far no apparently
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our perpetrator had stolen the vehicle
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and driven all of 25 yards before he
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spotted a tavern and decided to whip his
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wrongdoing whistle
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i do that if i see a beauty parlor i
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just have to stop and just go get a
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manicure
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you got to keep those fluids guess so
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speaking of coming up short though in
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nebraska listen to this when police were
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in hot pursuit of an armed bank robber
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when he suddenly stopped this robber
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just stopped and he checked into a motel
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only one mile from the state line now of
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course it was he was apprehended
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immediately the police were right on him
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but they had to ask him
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excuse me dummy why did you stop he
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needed a map he needed i guess
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all that criming i guess so he explained
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to the police that
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i can't stop and i can't cross the state
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line that would be a violation of my my
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parole
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that's what he said
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i know
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but how about violating the laws of
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physics that's a little bit harder well
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but their plan was simple enough break
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into the steel and wire manufacturer
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back their heavy duty pickup truck up to
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the loading dock
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roll the huge spool of copper wire worth
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over forty thousand dollars onto the
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back of the pickup truck and drive away
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tas locker decent uh right now that's
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just happening
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everything went as planned until the 10
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ton spool of copper landed in the bed of
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the half ton pickup truck
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collapsing it under its way
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one thousand pound pickup truck used a
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car to weigh 20 000 pounds of copper do
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the math okay
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needless to say with all the shocks
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broken and the four tires flattened
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their getaway was impossible the only
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copper these two dummies left with was
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the arresting officer
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that was
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funny good thank you it sounds like a
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case of two goofballs not worth their
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weight in gold or story daniel more
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here's a story about a california
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counterfeiter that we we just had to
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check him out and his plan was flawless
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a man with printing experience plus he
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published his own phony checks drawn on
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a phony bank account now the workmanship
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was perfect it was foolproof except that
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that this fraud had printed his real
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name and address on the checks that's
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what he did now when the first check of
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many of course bounced the man was
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easily found and arrested
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okay
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small mistake
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i hope he didn't try and write the check
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to post bail for that i think he did and
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uh thank you for remembering to bring
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that up he did he was right back he was
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right back where they found him all
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righty it's time now to look at our
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video
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of the week
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a small dallas bank called investigator
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bill mcdonnell two days after a robbery
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dead certain that they had the suspect
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in their office again yeah i'd like to
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make a positive question
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what are you looking for it wasn't so
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much as build or voice that gave them
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away as it was the ink spots and that's
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a musical group
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yeah but he didn't have uh four guys
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with him it seems
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that the dye pack you know in the bag of
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money that he had stolen had gone off
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and our oblivious oddball's face hand
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hairs and his hot cash were speckled
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with the telltale die for the officer it
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was clearly a case of connecting the
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dots and it made a pretty picture of the
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liberty bell i heard it made his mug
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shot that's nice
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one two three four
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that's okay and that's how many years
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i'll be spending in jail i don't teach
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him to clean up his act they're go
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please visit the laundromat
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he was inky until proven guilty and our
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dirty dummy wound up first in the crime
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blotter
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and then where else but the state pen
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the earlier one was better i think i
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should have stopped i could just do it
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back there
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back up until next week danielle
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[Laughter]
00:10:42
[Music]
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a little friendly warning to those dumb
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criminals thinking about breaking into a
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van
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the contents may be under pressure a lot
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of pressure
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lapd officer david barnett and his
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partner were in an unmarked van working
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overtime staking out a murder suspect in
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a bad part of town
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while barnett and his partner waited two
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less dangerous but much dumber criminals
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thought the van looked like a good score
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not wanting to ruin their stakeout the
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officers laid low while the vandals
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poked around
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finally they used a screwdriver and
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broke into the van when one of them
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opened the door poof there were the cubs
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whoa police hold it down holy oh
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barnett and his partner flash two guns
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and two badges in the bad guy's face
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before you could say
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fantastic
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smart people know that you should never
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drink and drive and if you've had a
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drink you should always have a
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designated driver however these dumb
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criminals obviously had their own
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interpretation of the law
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an officer noticed a car recklessly
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drive by him he immediately pursued the
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vehicle he saw the car suddenly stop
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ahead of him now he's in a park and then
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obviously drunken man got out of the car
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well we're parked what are we gonna do
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now an equally sloshed female passenger
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comes around and takes his place at the
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wheel oh no no no
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well she's gonna drive away i don't
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think so the officer finally pulls them
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over and gives them both sobriety tests
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you can't have those lights on
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hold it right there lady the snockered
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woman felt it her friend was in no
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condition to drive and insisted that he
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let her take over as it turned out her
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condition was no better and the officer
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was able to get two duis for the price
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of one everybody loves a bargain even
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the cops
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go back to the couch and assume the
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position
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fink rat stool pigeon just some of the
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colorful names the criminals call the
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witnesses who testify against them
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but for the brainless boob you're about
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to meet he could only use those words on
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himself brace yourself for sheer
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stupidity as we take a trip to court
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a los angeles man was standing trial for
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the possession and sale of narcotics sir
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do you recognize anyone in this room and
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if so do you recognize the person that
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sold you the narcotics it was me
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yep it turns out the biggest rat was the
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big cheese himself the brainless
00:13:13
tattletail was charged with the
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possession and selling of narcotics
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don't tell anyone
00:13:22
you know the turkey was almost our
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national bird and it's still a great
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symbol of thanksgiving and yes we all
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have lots to be thankful for but in our
00:13:31
next story the dumb criminal would have
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been more thankful if the turkey had
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acted like stuffing and stayed put
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as you can see it was a pretty slow
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evening on the beat at scotland foods
00:13:42
for store detective marianne
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then she noticed a shady lady near the
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frozen foods doing a strange sort of
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duck walk
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marianne made note of them but wasn't
00:13:52
too concerned but then all of a sudden
00:13:54
some decidedly foul play occurred
00:13:58
dropping like the ball on new year's eve
00:14:00
a frozen turtle flu from the woman's
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flowing dress who threw that turkey at
00:14:04
me
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it was you you did it didn't you
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the real turkey flinger was never found
00:14:10
but the woman got her wishbone and
00:14:12
wasn't arrested either
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you know it's it's important to wear
00:14:20
sensible clothes to work a clean press
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shirt maybe a tie comfortable shoes and
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a pair of pants that won't interfere
00:14:26
with your job
00:14:27
this dumb thief in mission viejo
00:14:29
california got hung up on one of those
00:14:31
rooms
00:14:33
officer steve kehoe was responding to a
00:14:35
burglary call at a residence he pulled
00:14:37
up and met the frantic neighbor waiting
00:14:38
in the front
00:14:39
he was told the suspect was in the
00:14:41
backyard he took a deep breath and
00:14:42
prepared himself for a long pursuit
00:14:45
however he wasn't prepared for what he
00:14:46
was about to find
00:14:49
let me see your other hand buddy
00:14:51
what are you talking about
00:14:52
hey you dropped all your stuff here
00:14:54
various household items were strewn
00:14:56
around by the back fence and above them
00:14:58
was our horizontally challenged crook
00:15:01
hanging around on the fence seems he
00:15:03
couldn't get himself upright and hadn't
00:15:04
thought to simply unfasten his pants and
00:15:06
drop out of them with all the blood
00:15:08
rushing into his empty head it was
00:15:10
probably hard to think
00:15:12
this bungling bank robber got a little
00:15:14
more color than the green he had
00:15:15
bargained for in a job he pulled in a
00:15:17
philadelphia suburb the security dye
00:15:20
pack exploded during the heist leaving
00:15:22
him with thousands of dollars worth of
00:15:24
unusable cash
00:15:26
thinking he could clean it up in bulk
00:15:28
the red-handed robber washed his very
00:15:30
dirty laundry in public however an
00:15:33
employee noticed the stained simoleons
00:15:35
and notified an off-duty police officer
00:15:37
who was in the area an arrest was
00:15:39
quickly made
00:15:41
yeah but his money was still in the spin
00:15:43
cycle and he was taken to the local jail
00:15:45
to sulk in himself
00:15:46
[Music]
00:15:49
if i were you
00:15:51
i'd drop the remote now
00:15:54
officer cliff thailand recounts a story
00:15:56
about a woman who gave a one too many
00:15:59
details about a fight with her boyfriend
00:16:02
i went to a
00:16:03
domestic violence call and when we got
00:16:06
there it was apparent the boyfriend had
00:16:08
assaulted the girlfriend and the other
00:16:10
officer was questioning her about what
00:16:12
had happened and she was telling him he
00:16:14
had punched her in the face
00:16:16
well how did he do it trying to get the
00:16:17
description of how he did and she says
00:16:19
i'll show you
00:16:21
and she hauled off and nailed my partner
00:16:23
right in the face and i saw him go real
00:16:25
and backwards and
00:16:26
we're kind of both in shock and they got
00:16:28
her handcuffed she says uh she's well
00:16:30
don't you want to hear what else you
00:16:31
know happened i said we'll get that
00:16:33
after you're done being bought
00:16:36
now generally it's a wise thing to be a
00:16:38
man of your word but when it comes to
00:16:40
making good on promises of illegal acts
00:16:43
to come
00:16:44
that's best left to the experts in the
00:16:46
field america's dumbest
00:16:48
criminals an example here's the true
00:16:51
story of a bozo of real integrity down
00:16:53
in prattville alabama the man who wasn't
00:16:55
armed with a gun or much brains to begin
00:16:57
with tried to rob the store once but was
00:16:59
rudely interrupted by some real
00:17:01
customers
00:17:02
this isn't robbery give me the money
00:17:03
from the safe uh oh oh uh i'll be back
00:17:06
have the money ready after these people
00:17:08
leave the confused clerk called 911 just
00:17:10
in case this joker was serious about his
00:17:12
encore and sure enough he was you know
00:17:14
white shirt freeze drop tonight
00:17:18
but this time the police were waiting
00:17:19
for him and the false start robber was
00:17:21
arrested
00:17:22
boy i'm never coming back here again
00:17:25
a lesson learned a bit too late
00:17:28
[Music]
00:17:31
here's a shady story about a burglar who
00:17:33
tried to elude the police by jumping out
00:17:35
of a window into a nearby tree but as
00:17:39
newton proved what goes up
00:17:41
[Music]
00:17:42
you can see a variety of officers trying
00:17:44
to shake the son of a birch from the
00:17:46
ground below he kept leaping from limb
00:17:48
to limb until finally mother nature
00:17:50
extended a hand
00:17:52
the nut landed in a pile at the
00:17:54
officer's feet where they quickly raked
00:17:56
him up and petaled him off to jail it's
00:17:59
just leave it at that
00:18:03
that's all for this week i'm daniel
00:18:04
butler saying remember there's no right
00:18:06
way to do a wrong thing we'll see you
00:18:08
next week on america's dumbest criminals
00:18:13
don't forget to watch for these big dumb
00:18:15
stories on next week's episode of
00:18:17
america's dumbest criminal yeah i'm not
00:18:20
doing anything just waiting on the bus
00:18:22
too lame liars in aside alabama
00:18:25
a chimney creep in santa claus
00:18:29
dangling dummy in swinging singles
00:18:33
diamonds are a kid's best friend
00:18:36
now i believe they are these stories and
00:18:39
more next week on america's dumbest
00:18:41
criminals
00:18:43
life in the dumb lane
00:18:45
[Music]
00:18:48
belmont b-a-u-e give me
00:18:50
bill marie it's that head for the
00:18:53
incredible egg
00:18:56
i thought you said this is supposed to
00:18:58
be funny it's god's little irony
00:19:01
and wasn't arrested either
00:19:03
then what did i just say
00:19:06
i haven't a clue
00:19:08
who was the wishbone i don't know
00:19:11
oh i felt like ivana trump today okay
00:19:20
i feel like linda hamilton pierce
00:19:22
brosnan
00:19:30
[Laughter]
00:19:36
now i've never read through any of this
00:19:38
just that first read through it
00:19:40
comes out like a professional i'm sorry
00:19:56
camels
