00:00:08
hi i'm daniel butler welcome to another
00:00:10
edition of america's dumbest criminals
00:00:17
um
00:00:31
[Applause]
00:00:33
[Music]
00:00:39
on this episode of america's dumbest
00:00:41
criminals
00:00:43
a cramped crook in stuffed turkey
00:00:46
some creeping critters in swamp things
00:00:49
a taunting car rather
00:00:55
a pair of lame ducks and safe quackers
00:01:00
on america's dumbest criminals and now
00:01:03
here's your host daniel butler
00:01:06
ultimately everything we do in this life
00:01:08
prepares us for something else coming
00:01:10
our way in the future as this dumb
00:01:12
criminal was about to find out a man
00:01:15
tried to rob a local restaurant los
00:01:16
angeles and managed to get in take what
00:01:18
he needed and then make his way back out
00:01:20
through the ventilation ship however as
00:01:23
he was slithering his way out he slipped
00:01:25
and fell down on a joining segment of
00:01:27
the system where he became stuck after
00:01:29
an hour of screaming for help the fire
00:01:32
and police department showed up to
00:01:33
unstuff this turkey after several hours
00:01:36
of cutting twisting and pulling they
00:01:38
managed to remove the canned ham from
00:01:40
his tin
00:01:41
but he probably didn't realize that the
00:01:43
quiet time he had just spent in the
00:01:44
small confined space with no way out was
00:01:47
just a sneak preview of how things would
00:01:49
be for him over the next five to ten
00:01:51
years behind bars
00:01:56
there's a reason people used to ask who
00:01:59
was that masked man when the lone ranger
00:02:01
rode out of town because masks draw
00:02:03
attention which is fine for heroes but
00:02:06
not so fine for dumb villains
00:02:08
in milwaukee a woman with crime in her
00:02:10
heart and a ski mask on her head walked
00:02:12
into a check cashing store since the
00:02:15
temperature was warm the teller thought
00:02:17
something was going on and it was but
00:02:19
not the robbery attempt she expected hi
00:02:22
i'd like to cache this
00:02:24
do you have some identification
00:02:30
uh can you take the mask off
00:02:35
not even close the check and license
00:02:38
were obviously stolen you'd better fill
00:02:40
this out
00:02:42
while the unknown forger tried to
00:02:44
remember her fake name the teller called
00:02:46
the police who arrived quickly and
00:02:48
arrested the dumb criminal and despite
00:02:50
her lawyer's request the woman was not
00:02:52
allowed to wear her mask for her mug
00:02:54
shot
00:03:00
officer mark castile of garland texas
00:03:02
and his partner were in pursuit of three
00:03:04
robbery suspects making their getaway in
00:03:06
a stolen car now they were close enough
00:03:08
to the car to identify them as three
00:03:10
african-american youths they chased them
00:03:12
off the highway into a field of grass
00:03:14
about waist high the driver runs into a
00:03:17
tree stump and one of the use takes off
00:03:19
with the officers in hot pursuit they
00:03:21
corner their man and get him into
00:03:22
custody when
00:03:24
all of a sudden about 20 feet from us
00:03:26
out of the grass this white guy stands
00:03:28
up throws his hands up i give i give
00:03:31
who's this who's this guy
00:03:34
he didn't come out of the car so the one
00:03:36
of the officers with me runs over and
00:03:37
grabs this guy who who are you about
00:03:39
this time some dallas officers come up
00:03:41
from around this building he was a
00:03:43
burglary suspect that they'd been
00:03:44
looking for
00:03:47
we captured two birds with one stone
00:03:50
two birds in the hand both caught in the
00:03:52
bush
00:03:53
go for you
00:03:55
[Music]
00:03:59
here's a story about two thieves on the
00:04:01
run who ran the wrong way
00:04:04
an officer just happened to be
00:04:05
patrolling a half block away from the
00:04:06
car they decided to break into the two
00:04:09
men were still trying to open the door
00:04:10
when the officer pulled up
00:04:12
they chose to run through a thicket that
00:04:14
only led to a large swamp area no other
00:04:17
way out the officer pulled his car over
00:04:19
and noticed the thieves car parked
00:04:20
nearby and saw a man pretending to be
00:04:22
asleep in the driver's seat on closer
00:04:25
inspection the officer noticed that the
00:04:27
back seat was filled with radios and car
00:04:29
stereos this was their getaway driver
00:04:32
the drowsy driver was arrested and
00:04:34
that's when the officer came up with an
00:04:36
idea
00:04:37
donning the driver's cap and jacket the
00:04:38
officer climbed into the getaway car and
00:04:40
lightly honk the horn as if signaling
00:04:43
for the two to come out after noticing
00:04:45
that the nearby police car was empty the
00:04:47
two shivering stooges came running out
00:04:49
of the swamp and right into the
00:04:51
camouflaged cop's hand the swamp sickles
00:04:54
were arrested and immediately sent to
00:04:56
the cooler
00:04:59
if i were you
00:05:00
i dropped the remote now
00:05:02
[Music]
00:05:05
and now crimes of the week with daniel
00:05:08
butler and beaumont bacon
00:05:11
we have a new set we did yes the world
00:05:13
is constantly changing hi i'm daniel
00:05:15
butler and this is beaumont bacon hello
00:05:18
how are you today i'm good i'm good to
00:05:20
be here how are you i'm just saying
00:05:21
thank you well then you're doing much
00:05:22
better than the guy in our first story
00:05:24
he was pulled over he was pulled over
00:05:26
for a minor traffic violation and the
00:05:28
officer discovered that this man was
00:05:29
driving without a valid driver's license
00:05:32
now according to the law the car had to
00:05:34
be impounded a relative picked him up at
00:05:36
the station and he was sent on his way
00:05:37
what's up there you go well i'm sure he
00:05:39
learned his lesson evidently not
00:05:41
less than a half hour later the same
00:05:43
officer was back out on patrol and was
00:05:45
stopped at the light and noticed another
00:05:46
car pull up beside him at the light
00:05:48
it was the same guy he had just arrested
00:05:51
only in a different car now he was
00:05:53
arrested again and this car had to be
00:05:55
impounded too ouch
00:05:57
there yeah but it was an ouch he shared
00:05:59
with the whole family well see the cars
00:06:01
were not his they belonged to two
00:06:03
different family members and each was
00:06:05
impounded for 30 days each and cost him
00:06:08
around 1200 ouch again you don't want to
00:06:11
do that in your big brother's car no
00:06:13
well i'm sure he'll think twice before
00:06:15
asking his father if he can barf the car
00:06:18
bart it's not coming back
00:06:20
well this next woman she didn't even
00:06:22
bother to ask if she could borrow the
00:06:24
car mistake number one there you go an
00:06:26
officer had pulled this woman over for
00:06:28
drunk driving thank god i mean she
00:06:30
obviously she was weaving and he knew
00:06:31
something was going on however she knew
00:06:33
she was drunk and she was very honest
00:06:35
about it she goes you know what officer
00:06:37
i'm drunk so just take me to jail which
00:06:40
he planned to do anyway he cuffed her
00:06:42
and put her in the back of the patrol
00:06:44
car while he talked to the passenger
00:06:46
that was in the car with her so he was
00:06:48
over there talking when this drunken
00:06:50
damsel she decided to make her move what
00:06:52
she did is she crawled from the back
00:06:55
seat into the front seat of the cruiser
00:06:58
and drove off just leaving the stunning
00:06:59
officer
00:07:00
mistake number two and of course they've
00:07:02
got that camera there so you know you're
00:07:03
going to see the whole thing
00:07:05
she's playing with the siren and the
00:07:06
buttons
00:07:07
she was having fun and the best part
00:07:09
about this is that she didn't hightail
00:07:12
it out of the country she didn't
00:07:13
hightail it out of the city
00:07:15
no what she did she drove right to the
00:07:17
police station and she turned herself in
00:07:19
oh well how nice she sobered up i guess
00:07:21
and had a little flash of sanity there i
00:07:24
guess so basically what she said though
00:07:25
she got tired of waiting on the officer
00:07:27
so she decided to finish the job herself
00:07:30
okay service service you sisters are
00:07:32
doing it for yourselves
00:07:34
we're standing on our own two feet and
00:07:36
driving ourselves straight to jail come
00:07:39
a long way baby well these two goofs
00:07:40
didn't drive themselves to the station
00:07:42
but they did manage to call for a ride
00:07:44
it seems that two guys had decided to
00:07:46
steal the change out of a pay phone in
00:07:48
gloucester new jersey wow they are high
00:07:51
yeah it was the most money in one place
00:07:52
in cluster i think what they didn't
00:07:54
realize was that with all of their
00:07:56
banging and pulling they had
00:07:57
accidentally hit the 911 buttons on the
00:07:59
phone you have to be pretty dumb i mean
00:08:02
those buttons are there that's luck
00:08:05
and it was a free call remember okay
00:08:07
officers showed up a few moments later
00:08:09
and collected the change gang and
00:08:10
deposited them quickly into jail that
00:08:13
was a hard thing to say no deposit no
00:08:15
return no deposit no return which brings
00:08:17
us to our next section our favorite
00:08:18
sucks indeed the whole show which is the
00:08:21
idiots of the week from all of the
00:08:24
stories we received this week thousands
00:08:26
this one is our favorite there's a
00:08:28
plethora a plethora let me just
00:08:31
there's a cornucopia of submissions here
00:08:34
a montana officer made a routine traffic
00:08:36
stop on a car that appeared to be going
00:08:38
a bit faster than the posted limit just
00:08:40
a scope just a tad
00:08:42
skinky little bit the officer found a
00:08:44
very happy driver more than willing to
00:08:47
retrieve her license and so like any
00:08:49
woman she goes to her purse the dope
00:08:51
that she was searching for her id in her
00:08:54
bag this could take an hour this could
00:08:55
take a while the officers are going left
00:08:57
foot rifle and waiting for her pulling
00:08:58
out lipstick pulling out the looking for
00:09:01
her identification and one of the things
00:09:03
she did pull out she's placing all these
00:09:05
items up on the dashboard the officer
00:09:07
noticed a coffee cup full of rolled
00:09:10
joints and he pointed them out to the
00:09:12
spacey tracy who barely reacted as the
00:09:14
officer cuffed her and gave the stoner a
00:09:16
back row seat for the next showing of
00:09:18
driving miss hazy no one under 17
00:09:21
admitted without a warrant
00:09:22
a registered nurse will be on duty
00:09:28
this father and son reunion would have
00:09:30
been more touching if dad had brought
00:09:32
some brains along with him as well
00:09:34
our dumb dad came to pick up his son
00:09:36
from prison a facility that he had once
00:09:38
been a guest of as well
00:09:40
his peculiar behavior led to a police
00:09:42
check it revealed a warrant for papa's
00:09:45
arrest in alaska but papa wasn't alone
00:09:49
he'd brought three friends along for the
00:09:51
gala reunion
00:09:52
they all were wanted too
00:09:55
and their party favors included guns
00:09:57
booze and drugs
00:10:00
at least dad and his friends can call
00:10:02
the son for a ride if they ever get
00:10:04
released
00:10:05
it was sort of a fairy tale
00:10:11
you know some criminals claim they were
00:10:13
led to a life of crime by an unhappy
00:10:15
childhood urban poverty or improper
00:10:18
toilet training this next loser went
00:10:20
down the wrong path purely by choice
00:10:22
while on patrol an officer noticed a guy
00:10:24
drinking while he was driving and
00:10:26
quickly pulled him over the man didn't
00:10:28
appear to be intoxicated and lived just
00:10:30
a few blocks away so the officer was
00:10:32
just going to give the guy a break until
00:10:35
once you go ahead and have me that beer
00:10:36
right there okay all right there you go
00:10:38
all right i see you have another one on
00:10:40
the seat over there yeah i do you do
00:10:42
yeah well you're gonna have to hand me
00:10:44
that one too oh really yeah because in
00:10:45
the state in this state you can't have
00:10:46
an open container oh you can't no you
00:10:49
can't have any beer in the car either oh
00:10:51
yeah
00:10:52
well i really need this beer sir so is
00:10:54
it do you mind if i just you really need
00:10:56
it you realize that i'm offering you
00:10:58
here a chance to avoid an 80 dollar
00:11:01
ticket
00:11:02
plus all the taxes that go with it the
00:11:03
state and the county everything put with
00:11:05
it you know and i really don't want to
00:11:06
write this ticket you know i'm trying to
00:11:08
give you a break and be a part of that
00:11:10
it's all right just write it up i
00:11:12
already need this view you really need a
00:11:13
beer that bad
00:11:15
the officer wrote the ticket and
00:11:16
followed the man home where he could
00:11:18
legally enjoy his 80 dollar can of beer
00:11:25
you have the right to remain seated
00:11:28
[Music]
00:11:30
here's a story about a purse thief who
00:11:32
left more than just the scene of the
00:11:34
crime
00:11:35
after this woman used her atm card at a
00:11:37
local machine a man suddenly appeared
00:11:39
from nowhere grabbed her purse and took
00:11:41
off running as the man ran away the
00:11:43
victim noticed something fall out of his
00:11:45
shirt pocket it was a visa card he
00:11:47
dropped this i found this on the ground
00:11:49
oh he did huh
00:11:51
drop this card okay well we'll hang on
00:11:53
to this it's probably a stolen card but
00:11:55
you never know it could have belonged to
00:11:57
him
00:11:57
a week later the officer was notified by
00:11:59
bank security that the card had not been
00:12:02
stolen and in fact they even furnished a
00:12:04
picture of the last person to use the
00:12:06
victim's card at an atm
00:12:08
lo and behold it was our first snatcher
00:12:12
in fact he was wearing the same outfit
00:12:14
from the night of the purse snatching
00:12:16
with positive identification clearly
00:12:18
established all the police had to do was
00:12:20
atm
00:12:21
arrest the [ __ ]
00:12:24
[Music]
00:12:28
you've met one at every party i can
00:12:31
crime there's nothing wrong with me as
00:12:33
he staggers to his car
00:12:35
well on this occasion the [ __ ] got a
00:12:37
mile down the road when he was
00:12:38
apprehended by the law
00:12:40
just as they put him in the car the two
00:12:42
officers were notified of a robbery half
00:12:44
a block from their present position
00:12:46
telling him to stay put the two officers
00:12:48
raced off to the scene of the crime
00:12:49
after a long wait the party king decided
00:12:52
to drive home and when he got there he
00:12:54
told his wife that if anyone is looking
00:12:56
for him he's gone to bed with the flu
00:12:58
and has been in all day
00:13:00
a few hours later the police knocked on
00:13:02
the door they asked for mr simpson and
00:13:04
she repeated the story about him being
00:13:06
in all day with the flu well they said
00:13:08
they had his driver's license and would
00:13:10
like to see his car
00:13:12
she took them to the garage and when she
00:13:13
opened it there it was
00:13:15
their police car parked in the garage
00:13:17
with the lights still flashing ma'am i
00:13:20
have a question for you your car
00:13:21
wouldn't have to paint it black and
00:13:22
white now would it ge officer how did
00:13:25
that get there
00:13:26
i guess he just had noticed the disco
00:13:28
effect in the garage when he got home
00:13:37
gosh you know i hate to see a grown man
00:13:40
cry and that's what two security guards
00:13:42
in honolulu found when they chased a
00:13:44
shoplifter out into the parking lot the
00:13:46
man had just dashed into a store and
00:13:48
grabbed six leather handbags with the
00:13:50
intention of making off with them
00:13:51
security had been notified and were
00:13:53
chasing the man out into the lot when
00:13:55
they got there they found him next to
00:13:56
his car crying oh no
00:14:01
come on come on stop you're crying
00:14:03
there's no reason to cry
00:14:08
oh man you want us to call triple a get
00:14:10
your keys out don't you just hate when
00:14:12
you do that
00:14:14
dagger
00:14:15
[Music]
00:14:18
and now a story about a dysfunctional
00:14:20
duo who are professional safe quackers
00:14:23
yeah
00:14:24
these two men broke into a store in twin
00:14:26
falls idaho they weren't able to open
00:14:28
the safe so they stole it
00:14:31
perhaps they thought the combination
00:14:32
would change with the location
00:14:35
but when the stolen safe wouldn't fit
00:14:37
into their hatchback they went to plan b
00:14:40
steal a friend's pickup while the
00:14:42
perplexed pair were out committing grand
00:14:44
theft auto the store owner came back and
00:14:46
found a safe sitting in the alleyway the
00:14:48
store owner called the police who
00:14:50
arrived in moments the officer advised
00:14:52
him to remove the money and leave the
00:14:54
safe right where it was the police hid
00:14:57
in the shadows and sure enough in less
00:14:59
than an hour the pair were back the
00:15:01
police watched as they struggled with
00:15:03
the safe until they got it into the back
00:15:05
of the pickup truck that's when they
00:15:07
closed in and arrested them
00:15:09
i'm sure you'll all rest easier tonight
00:15:12
knowing that these two diabolical
00:15:13
masterminds of crime are off the streets
00:15:16
and behind bars
00:15:18
oh yeah
00:15:22
why is missouri the show me state
00:15:25
because it files cases like this one
00:15:28
where an irate attorney showed off more
00:15:30
than his knowledge of the law
00:15:32
[Music]
00:15:33
a jefferson county patrolman got an
00:15:36
earful when he stopped a lawyer for
00:15:38
speeding
00:15:39
opening argument was a lecture on the
00:15:41
inaccuracy of radar units followed by a
00:15:44
questioning of the officer's maternal
00:15:47
origin
00:15:48
closing argument was a personal
00:15:50
observation that the officer would
00:15:52
perhaps be better suited for the
00:15:53
position of roadkill collector
00:15:56
your witness
00:15:58
officer come on now we're on the same
00:16:00
team here all right i'm an attorney
00:16:02
you're a cop
00:16:03
[Music]
00:16:04
let's not go through this i know those
00:16:06
radar guns aren't they don't work right
00:16:08
exhibit number one missouri state
00:16:10
driver's license credit cards and maui
00:16:13
wowie i hope you know a good attorney
00:16:16
apparently passing the bar is no
00:16:18
guarantee of intelligence and as this
00:16:20
attorney learned knowing the law doesn't
00:16:23
do much good unless you obey it
00:16:29
this next surveillance tape shows a very
00:16:31
self-centered suspect who stole a volvo
00:16:33
and then led police on a high-speed
00:16:35
chase through a very busy end of town
00:16:37
just to draw attention to himself well
00:16:40
nobody likes a show-off because
00:16:42
everything has to revolve around them
00:16:44
it's all me me me
00:16:46
look at me i've stolen a car
00:16:49
hey and i'm a bad dancer too
00:16:55
i'm on the run
00:17:04
hey i don't know what you're all mad
00:17:06
about
00:17:10
i'm going to jail
00:17:17
[Music]
00:17:18
he's going to need to make an attitude
00:17:20
adjustment real quick if he plans to get
00:17:22
along well with others
00:17:23
in jail that is
00:17:29
well our bungling buffet is now closing
00:17:32
but please join us next week as we serve
00:17:33
up another heap and helping of hapless
00:17:35
hoodlums here on america's dumbest
00:17:38
criminals
00:17:39
on the next america's dumbest criminals
00:17:42
you'll see these big dumb stories
00:17:45
what's going on here a confused crook in
00:17:47
recording trouble a bungled burglary is
00:17:51
better up
00:17:53
a felon is a diamond in the rough got
00:17:55
some more in here you want to take one
00:17:56
you got some more in there yeah the
00:17:58
restaurant roof clown
00:18:04
all these dumb crimes and more on the
00:18:06
next america's dumbest criminals
00:18:12
there's a wake-up call
00:18:14
ready when you are baby
00:18:15
[Music]
00:18:21
i'm sorry
00:18:22
oh i'll stop my ribs
00:18:25
these american comedy is supposed to be
00:18:27
killing all right
00:18:28
p.s
00:18:30
my new cell mate is really nice
00:18:33
in fact
00:18:34
he really wants to be close to me
00:18:40
ask the guy dude
00:18:43
continuity is persistent
00:18:51
[Music]
00:19:07
here we go
00:19:12
helmet and call me marlon perkins for a
00:19:14
minute we're about to enter the wild
00:19:17
world
00:19:19
here we go
00:19:20
this wobbly would be wubba was quickly
00:19:23
arrested
00:19:25
and said to poison an important role in
00:19:27
an investigation in an
00:19:30
investigation here we go
00:19:42
do
