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tonight on america's dumbest criminals
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while this waitress is counting cheap
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this robber is counting cash these guys
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weren't waiting for a sale to stock up
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on a few items but it's gonna cost them
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when america's dumbest criminals
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continues
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[Music]
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[Applause]
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wow
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[Music]
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[Applause]
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dumbest criminals daniel butler
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[Music]
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wow
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you know debbie i think i'm finally
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convinced that people never learn why do
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you look at me when you say that you're
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talking about committing crimes right
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yeah yeah you break the law you get
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busted i mean it's nuts to think any
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other way yeah where the offense is let
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the great ax fall
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say what
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that's shakespeare oh yeah i knew that
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oh yeah
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you did not know that with shakespeare
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oh yeah this guy thinks hamlet is
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something you get with a grand slam
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breakfast at denny's
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well yeah but with the chopped ham and
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onions yeah it's like a western uh i
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guess that's probably as close as we're
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going to get to a smooth segway to our
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first story it involves a surveillance
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camera showing a waitress fast asleep
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while a thief pulls a fast one yes be
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very quiet very quiet we're hunting a
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westerly wobble here's caught on camera
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it's getting so a bartender on the
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graveyard shift can't even catch a few
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z's meanwhile the only customer in this
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all-night vegas lounge was not a model
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citizen
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he just walked down the behind the bar
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and picks up the cash out of the
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register he doesn't grab a run because
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she's sound asleep and
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walks out with the cash
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is she lays their sleeping mr sandman
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tiptoed out with 800
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when his victims are conscious he has to
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go to a little more trouble
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impersonating an officer he would gain
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their confidence by using such methods
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as pretending to make a phone call to
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wake up a judge to ask a judge to issue
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a search warrant on the case that he was
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currently working at this establishment
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the imposter punctured a water pipe then
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told the bartender there was a flood in
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the men's room flood you know and so
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i mean here i'm thinking the man is is a
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highway patrolman i mean you know and
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i'm alone i think that's this is fine
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i'll go back and check it out the crook
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got away with 300
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but he left behind his bogus business
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card we contacted that highway patrolman
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and asked him
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who fit this particular description that
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he might have given a car to
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jackpot the trooper had arrested the guy
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two months earlier and had given the guy
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his card
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the criminal was positively identified
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by several witnesses it is not known
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whether the bartender woke up to testify
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i never trust a business guy no no you
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should no hey i bet this next crook
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wishes that he'd never been born yeah
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well of course but if that was the case
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he wouldn't have had anything to write
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his stick up note on that's true here's
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another case of a guy who's not going
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anywhere because of his poor choice of
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stationary
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[Music]
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one of the funniest stories uh we've had
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in recent memory was a robbery at the
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local diner it's the penguin diner along
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a major highway here and this person
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pulls up in a car with some friends
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jumps out of the car runs in the front
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door to diner and approaches the cashier
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with a note and on the note it says give
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me the money or i'll shoot and he has
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his hand in his coat like he has a gun
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and the girl's scared to death
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opens the drawer but doesn't even react
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to stands there he reaches over grabs
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hands full of
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money she's looking down at the note
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while the note's written on the back of
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the man's birth certificate
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he runs out of the diner hops in the car
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when they pull the car over the man's
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stolen the car
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and still has the birth certificate with
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the hold of their written on the back of
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the birth certificate
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which uh is obviously one of america's
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dumbest criminals
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anytime there's a crime there have to be
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lawyers involved right
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true or words were never spoken young
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man tonight we're going to run a couple
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of legal briefs up the flagpole for your
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consideration the first involves perhaps
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the most civic-minded sought you've ever
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encountered here's a new feature we call
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america's dumbest lawsuits
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i was circuit judge a number of years
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ago and a man was charged with driving
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under the influence
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his story was that he was standing on
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the corner
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and minding his own business
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drunk but minding his own business when
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a runaway car came down the street
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without a driver
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and uh
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obviously endangering the life and limb
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of everybody around
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and so being the good citizen that he
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was he risked his own life as well as
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his probation and ran and jumped in the
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car and brought it to a safe halt and
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then lo and behold a police officer came
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up and arrested him for driving under
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the influence just goes to show you no
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good deed ever goes unpunished
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and speaking of dumb lawsuits a woman
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with a fertile mind and other fertile
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parts sued a manufacturer of
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contraceptive jelly claiming that its
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product failed to do its job she stated
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with no awareness of her naivete that
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she ate the jelly on her toast
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faithfully for two weeks before sexual
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involvement and still managed to become
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pregnant
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as you might guess she did not win her
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case talk about a story that leaves a
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bad taste in your mouth huh
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okay here's one more dumb lawsuit
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in one case
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the plaintiff
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was suing the national television
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networks the cia
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and a particular judge
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suing the the cia
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because they were
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stealing his thoughts watching him with
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their satellite technology
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watching his moves his mannerisms
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taking his thoughts and selling them to
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the national television networks who
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were giving his thoughts and his the way
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he acted to newscasters television
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anchors
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national commercials sitcom characters
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and making money off of it
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he was suing the particular judge
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because the judge had dismissed his
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previous case against the national
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networks and the cia
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[Music]
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hey here's another dumb law in florida
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men may not be seen in public wearing a
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strapless gown
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boy
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i bet that really puts a crimp on
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fashion in south beach huh all right
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well i think we thought about that
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enough
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you know it's hard to find good help
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these days but we've learned of a man
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who go to great lengths just to get work
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his actions are beyond the call of duty
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and they put him in line for a promotion
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into america's dumbest excuse
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my partner and i were on patrol early
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one morning and he observed the vehicle
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parked in a local restaurant parking lot
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which he recognized as one that had been
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stolen he ran the plates determined that
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it was the vehicle that had been stolen
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here
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in in boulder city two days prior i made
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contact with a cook inside pizza hut and
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he advised me that the the car was there
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when he came in in the morning that he
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was the first employee that come in that
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morning
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i checked with a couple of the other
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employees and found that the vehicle
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wasn't there went back in later to
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interview him again
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and
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advised him that his story just didn't
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didn't wash
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didn't make sense
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after we talked to him for a while he
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finally admitted to the fact that he had
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stolen the vehicle he said that he'd
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gotten off work two days prior and went
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over to a buddy's house and it got late
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and the bus stopped running so he stole
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the car so that he could get home he
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missed the bus again coming to work and
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he didn't want to get fired
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so he went in and took the same car that
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he'd stole the first time and parked it
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in the parking lot of where he was
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working and went in and went to work
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i think his morals were a little bit
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screwed up there
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he he didn't want to get to work late
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however he didn't have a problem
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stealing a vehicle to do it
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so he did make it to work however he
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doesn't have a job there anymore
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are you that committed to your job
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debbie no i think that's the reason why
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god made taxis hey have you ever seen
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that old show shopping spree where
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people see how much stuff they can cram
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into a shopping cart in a short amount
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of time well this next guy would
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probably be a big winner considering how
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much stuff he could stuff into his pants
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he and his skulking accomplice are front
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and center for tonight's blue light
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special
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[Music]
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just how much stuff can one guy fit into
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his pants well this young man seems all
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prepared to set a world record he starts
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with a big item to clear the way in case
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anything else catches his eye and it
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does he decides he wants this yeah
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that's just great and you know what it's
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like eating salted peanuts because he
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just doesn't know when to stop but
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fortunately for him store security will
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be glad to offer assistance in that
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matter
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what would you get if you combined ma
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barker ivana trump and minnie pearl well
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you'd get the kind of story you're about
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to see let's head up to saranac lake new
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york
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case that comes to mind that was
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evolving two criminals that weren't too
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smart involved
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a jewelry store where they went into
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the jewelry store during business hours
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well the two people came into the store
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and one of them was a regular customer
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of ours hi how are you fine thank you
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i'd like to see some chains when she
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came in there was nothing unusual about
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it other than the fact that there was
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somebody floating back by the door one
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subject distracted the clerk while the
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other subject commenced to take gold
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change and reigns and stuff from the
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counter
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we got called after they had left the
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store because the clerk noticed a large
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amount of jewelry missing
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since we knew who they were
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we called the police and said
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so-and-so was just in here and robbed us
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and they live right across the street we
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saw him just go into the apartment if we
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go over there
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and see if we can get our chains back
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we'd appreciate it people that
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were in the store made a description of
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two subjects that lived across the
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street
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on a way across the street we noticed
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the female subject walking into an
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apartment building started talking to
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her while i was talking to her i noticed
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that she had
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large amounts of gold chains and and
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earrings and rings on her body where did
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you get all the chains around your neck
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uh that young man right there they were
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gifts the funniest part about this was
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all the stuff that she had just taken
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she forgot to take the price tags off
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her and the price tags from the jewelry
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store is still hanging on
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when we asked her where she got the
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jewelry from she said it was a gift from
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her
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arrest at this time you're boyfriend
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which case by the back
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the female subject and her boyfriend
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were both convicted for the grand
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marching charge
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now when she receives presents from her
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boyfriend she receives him at the county
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jail
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[Music]
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coming up later a guy who should have
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thunk about the pot in his trunk but now
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with news that requires you to pull
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vault across the credibility gap yeah
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here's daniel with adc headlines
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[Applause]
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[Music]
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[Applause]
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an opportunist in memphis robbed a
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flower shop of 40
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then called the police to report himself
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believing that he could cash in on their
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program to give a one thousand dollar
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reward to citizens for turning in a
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crook
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new i don't think so bucko
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a 71 year old lady in carlsbad new
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mexico bashed a swindler selling bogus
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magazine subscriptions to her 89 year
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old mother when she realized a con was
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being perpetrated she attempted to call
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the police but the man repeatedly hung
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up the phone incensed she picked up the
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phone and hit the con artist in the face
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with such force that according to her
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statement the dial went one way and the
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receiver went the other at that he left
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very quickly and here's another story
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from new mexico this time santa fe a man
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protested being charged with driving
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while intoxicated yes he admitted that
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he had consumed 10 beers and yes he was
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mowing weeds along the road on his
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tractor when he unwittingly plowed down
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a fence dragging it and a mailbox behind
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him but
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he argued that the tractor was
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technically not a vehicle
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and therefore he should not be charged
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of course he he lost that one and that
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closes the file on adc headline news
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whip from somewhere
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back of your local newspaper debbie
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[Music]
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if this man in san diego wanted to avoid
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drawing attention to himself he should
00:13:28
have just remained calm
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but he knew he'd been drinking too much
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and that he probably shouldn't be
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driving and he thought the police might
00:13:34
be on to him i suppose he was so busy
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having a panic attack that he forgot to
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pay attention to steering the car we'll
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let the officer explain
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i just got off a freeway off ramp and i
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see this car coming up a parking lot and
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get onto the street and going the
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direction that i'm gonna be going so
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when my life turns green i pull in
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behind him well he goes down about two
00:13:52
blocks gets in a left-hand turn lane and
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i figure oh well he's doing okay so far
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if he does all right in this turn into
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this residential area i'll just get back
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on the freeway well i see the guy reach
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up for the rear view mirror and all of a
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sudden he sees me in the mirror big
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little look comes up on his eyes that
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deer and the headlights kind of look and
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he's seen us in oh geez so light turns
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green he turns left runs right into a
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telephone pole well we pull
00:14:16
unfortunately he's not hurt say hey
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buddy what happened he said what's this
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high and i didn't know what to do i said
00:14:21
well you know what's the problem he says
00:14:23
well i've been drinking i'm not not only
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am i not supposed to be drinking i'm not
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supposed to be in a bar i'm on probation
00:14:28
what do you mean
00:14:29
i just spent six months in the local
00:14:31
jail and only got out two weeks ago and
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i said well
00:14:34
but we we have to take you to jail
00:14:36
you've had too much to drink says well
00:14:37
don't take me to the city of industry
00:14:38
jail and i said why not he says that's
00:14:40
the one i just got out of two weeks ago
00:14:42
i just spent six months there i said oh
00:14:44
i'm sorry that's the jail we gotta go to
00:14:47
when we walk into the jail and the
00:14:48
deputy in there turns around look says
00:14:50
charlie what are you doing here it is hi
00:14:53
deputy i'm back again he says what
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happened he says you know the reason he
00:14:58
says oh geez he walks him off comes back
00:15:00
to me and says hey
00:15:02
i mean i hate to see this kid back in
00:15:03
here he's pretty good kid but obviously
00:15:04
he's got a drinking problem but this was
00:15:06
the best car washer we've ever had we're
00:15:07
happy to have him back so what's
00:15:09
happening now he's been in the next 18
00:15:11
months washing cars in the city of
00:15:13
industry jail
00:15:17
hey here's another marijuana story for
00:15:18
you this one from stillwater oklahoma a
00:15:21
man thinks his biggest problem is a flat
00:15:23
tire but when help arrives he's in a
00:15:25
world of hurt see what we mean
00:15:28
about a year ago i was on routine patrol
00:15:31
and a vehicle passed my unit and as the
00:15:33
vehicle passed and those had a flat tire
00:15:34
guy was driving on a flat tire
00:15:36
so i turned around and pulled him over
00:15:38
he hopped out he was all upset and
00:15:40
excited that he couldn't get the spare
00:15:43
onto his car he didn't know how to take
00:15:44
his hope cap off
00:15:46
so i went and looked at his car and saw
00:15:48
that it's a hubcap that needed a key to
00:15:49
take it off
00:15:51
told him to look in his glove box key
00:15:52
would probably be in there
00:15:54
he went and did it and found it and took
00:15:55
his sub cap off so i went to leaf to go
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on about my business
00:15:59
he asked me we changed my tire man
00:16:01
changed my tire for me it's like no i'm
00:16:03
not going to change your tire for you
00:16:04
i'm leaving so i went to get my car and
00:16:06
you just kept begging please change my
00:16:07
tire i said i'll help you i'll teach you
00:16:09
how to do it
00:16:10
so he goes all right so i go back up
00:16:12
there and i tend to get spare out of his
00:16:14
car and he gets a spare out the trunk as
00:16:16
he gets a spirit he goes right over
00:16:18
there in the corner of the trunk on the
00:16:19
right hand side there's a tool to get
00:16:21
those tools for me so i went ahead and
00:16:23
got the tools out for them as i reached
00:16:24
into the component that showed me i
00:16:26
pulled out four bags of marijuana
00:16:28
individually packaged for sale i took
00:16:31
him out and i walked up to him i said
00:16:33
what's this he goes well that's oregano
00:16:35
man i said oregano because yeah i sell
00:16:37
to the high school kids is dope so i
00:16:40
opened up one of the bags and smelled it
00:16:41
and knew it to be marijuana and placed
00:16:43
him under arrest at that time for
00:16:44
possession with intent to distribute
00:16:52
now let's do
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[Applause]
00:16:55
[Music]
00:17:00
[Applause]
00:17:01
[Music]
00:17:02
[Applause]
00:17:03
[Music]
00:17:05
[Applause]
00:17:05
[Music]
00:17:06
the movies are filled with famous tough
00:17:09
guy statements like go ahead make my day
00:17:11
and you feel lucky hey you do that quite
00:17:14
well
00:17:15
the officer you're about to meet though
00:17:16
coins a phrase that wasn't just quotable
00:17:18
it was highly effective
00:17:20
witness with us one of the most
00:17:21
stupendous self-arrest of all time and
00:17:24
believe me folks we're not making this
00:17:26
up
00:17:28
[Music]
00:17:32
i was on the narcotics task force and we
00:17:35
were executing a search warrant at a
00:17:36
house
00:17:37
and we used to go in and just take over
00:17:39
the house completely
00:17:40
we're sitting there bagging evidence the
00:17:42
bad guys had already been arrested and
00:17:44
taken to jail and the phone rings
00:17:47
my partner kelly picks up the phone and
00:17:48
starts talking to one of the who's ever
00:17:50
on the phone like he's one of the bad
00:17:51
guys
00:17:52
well who everyone on the other end of
00:17:54
the phone they talked for about five
00:17:55
minutes and finally he realized he
00:17:56
didn't know who he was talking to
00:17:58
so he asks my partner who he's talking
00:18:00
to
00:18:01
and kelly says well who do you think
00:18:02
you're talking to you're talking to the
00:18:03
police
00:18:05
and the guy says oh you're probably
00:18:06
looking for me aren't you
00:18:08
and kelly says yo so once you reach in
00:18:10
your back pocket grab a piece of your
00:18:11
butt and run down to jail and turn it in
00:18:14
and then the guy hangs up and we all had
00:18:16
a good laugh
00:18:17
well about 30 minutes later
00:18:19
we get a call to call down to the jail
00:18:22
so kelly calls down to the jail and the
00:18:25
person he's talking to at the jail
00:18:27
tells him that some guy comes in to give
00:18:29
himself up because kelly had told him to
00:18:31
and they didn't have any warrants or
00:18:33
anything on him they wanted to know what
00:18:34
to do with this guy
00:18:35
we didn't know who he was or anything
00:18:37
kelly told him well interview him and if
00:18:39
he admits to anything arrest him we
00:18:41
didn't really think this guy would do it
00:18:43
and talk about your dumb criminal he
00:18:45
actually goes down to jail and gives
00:18:46
himself up
00:18:49
okay
00:18:50
well it's about time for us to grab our
00:18:52
own bottoms and get out of here thank
00:18:53
you for cleaning that up and thank you
00:18:55
for riding along with us you made my
00:18:57
bottom
00:18:59
and thanks to the police officers who
00:19:01
helped make tonight's show possible
00:19:02
hopefully that wins
00:19:04
law enforcement officers have a tough
00:19:06
job consistently dealing with people who
00:19:08
make a lot of choices that are not so
00:19:10
smart we thank them for all they do
00:19:12
next week we'll be back with more good
00:19:14
consequences for bad deeds and if you've
00:19:17
got a lead on a story or you just can't
00:19:18
wait till next week for more
00:19:19
state-of-the-art stupidity visit our
00:19:22
website you can find us at
00:19:23
www.dumbcrimes.com
00:19:26
as always we hope that we've all learned
00:19:27
from others mistakes but if you haven't
00:19:30
we just might see you next week on
00:19:32
america's dumbest criminals
00:19:34
[Music]
00:19:35
[Applause]
00:19:39
[Music]
00:19:39
[Applause]
00:19:41
wow
00:19:46
[Music]
00:19:51
[Applause]
00:19:57
wow
00:20:06
[Music]
00:20:07
[Applause]
