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tonight on america's dumbest criminals
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just because santa can make it down
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chimneys why do crooks believe they can
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do it too this cabbie isn't driving miss
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daisy but he'll definitely come out
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ahead and maybe just maybe this guy
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should have called a cab instead of
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tempting fate you're destined for a
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head-on collision with these and other
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frazzled folks right here on america's
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dumbest criminals
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[Music]
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wow
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[Applause]
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[Music]
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[Applause]
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[Applause]
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all right now tonight we present a study
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in contrast actually uh much like you
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and me
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what are you doing say look right step
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down there what are you doing yeah it's
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avant-garde tv come on step down see all
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right look at this look i'm gepetto
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what you don't realize is that i'm 510.
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he's eight one wow well sure with the
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shoes no this doesn't work i'm talking
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to your knees yeah but my knees are
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listening heavy they're
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we'll be listening and conventional i
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think you were making a point though
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yeah yeah that tonight's show is full of
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contrast well that it is we're going to
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take you from high-tech surveillance to
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a guy who blames his driving problems on
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a deer yeah yeah often our surveillance
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camera footage captures people who are
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clueless about electronic wonders but
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not this next guy no not this next guy
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he wasn't just a novice in such wizardry
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he was a cell phone salesman watch how a
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sticky fingered approach to computer
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software will clean his clock
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[Music]
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this employee of a cell phone franchise
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thinks he has a great idea he'll go
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downstairs take a computer game off the
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shelf and return to his workspace in the
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center of the university bookstore now
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here's the master plan
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download the program on his computer at
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work and then transfer it to his
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computer at home
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but here's the problem
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four different cameras are following his
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every move downstairs upstairs
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downstairs upstairs
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three trips in less than two hours and
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every minute of it is on tape
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oh what are you looking at don't be
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silly
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those cameras aren't on yeah it's just a
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prop really it is
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isn't this fun playing games at work and
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nobody knows i've got to tell somebody
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about this
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just two weeks earlier co-workers had
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teased him about not wearing shoes at
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work they had seen his bare feet on
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camera and told him to put on his shoes
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if only he had put on his thinking cap
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instead
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[Music]
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some people break the rules plain and
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simple others however try bending them
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and bending them until they snap back
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and whack them right in the face
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watch it all right that's the case with
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this guy who isn't exactly a drunk
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driver or is he his unconventional
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approach earns him a place in something
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to remember me by
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[Music]
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i was dispatched to a prowler call
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and
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as i'm arriving in the area we get a
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description of the vehicle that the
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prowler's supposed to be in from our
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dispatcher
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the dispatcher gives us the description
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as i'm passing by a quick shop right
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there i noticed that there's a vehicle
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parked in the lot that looks exactly
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like the one that they had put out they
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also put out a description of the person
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that was driving it so i pull up into
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the quick shop and go inside there's
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only one guy inside so
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i go up and talk with him say hey is
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this your truck outside and he says no
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no not my truck
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so
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at that point i basically told him that
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i knew it was his truck
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and i knew that he was drunk because the
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guy was staggering as he was walking
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around the quick shop smelled real bad
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from alcohol no no no that's something
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that's not my coffee i tell him i know
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you're drunk so just don't get in your
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car and drive you need to walk home
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and we won't have any problems otherwise
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i'm going to have to rest for dui
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just go walk on home
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okay okay so he walks off i leave the
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store i see him leave he walks about a
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half block away i go around the corner
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and sit and wait because i know this
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guy's most likely going to be back to
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drive off
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as i'm sitting there watching i see him
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walk back up onto the parking lot and
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pretty soon i see the vehicle leaving
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only he's not sitting in the driver's
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seat instead he's running alongside of
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her driving it with his right hand stuck
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in the window
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and i thought maybe somebody was pushing
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but when it cleared into my view i could
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tell nobody else was helping him
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so i pull up behind him and turn on my
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red lights and as i do that he looks
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back and kind of loses control of the
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vehicle at that point
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and
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just about crashes into the curb trying
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to get the vehicle stopped i walk up to
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him and say what are you doing because
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i'm thinking this guy's really an idiot
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and he looks at me and says well you
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can't arrest me for dui i wouldn't drive
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i was walking turn around get your hands
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up against the vehicle his basic point
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was that since he wasn't inside the
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vehicle he couldn't be arrested for dui
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that didn't consider driving totally i
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was walking home put your hands up
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against the vehicle give me your hand
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behind your back
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so basically i ended up arresting the
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guy for what i call dw rui
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driving while running under the
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influence
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which though in some states is called a
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pui with that
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or pushing under the influence yeah same
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thing
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it's happened so often that we have come
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up with a name for it it's santa
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syndrome it's the insane belief that
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crooks hold that they can sneak and
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slither their way through ducks chimneys
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and other objects that are always
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smaller than they appear yeah our latest
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victim put the squeeze play on himself
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in a home where he could have become a
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permanent fixture let's go up on the
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rooftop to fish out our latest victim of
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the santa syndrome
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santa zooms up the chimney with the
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blink of an eye
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this would be rather required a crane
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and a firefighting unit instead of
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making off making a smoking exit with
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stolen goods he sat tight
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very tight what was it like in there
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rather dirty and real tight there wasn't
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a lot of air in there based on the way
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this guy is moving this soot-covered
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fellow won't be returning to cinders
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anytime soon
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hopefully this little slip up and slide
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down have taught him a lesson that'll
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help him stay clean after all everyone
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else knows that grime doesn't pay
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[Music]
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[Applause]
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[Music]
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[Applause]
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hey check out this dumb law in oklahoma
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it is illegal to fish for whales
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some kids wonder how some laws come into
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existence well our next story is a head
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scratcher as well but it's an excuse not
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a law and not just any excuse the story
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this guy told was strange enough to be
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enthroned among america's dumbest
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excuses
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[Music]
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guy's involved in an accident we show up
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and he says hey this wouldn't happen if
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that deer just would use the crosswalk
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and then he went on to describe the deer
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to us as being big brown and eyes that
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glowed in the dark
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so we had something to look forward to
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christians hate it when wildlife doesn't
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follow the rules daniel
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oh yeah oh i guess that rebellious
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streak is what put the wild in wildlife
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huh well tonight's blue light special is
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a little gem about a wild man who saved
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officers a lot of trouble to catch him
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so listening for drugs they didn't need
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undercover officers or unmarked cars no
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sting operations or wiretaps
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the only way it could have made it
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easier on them is if he driven himself
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to the jail and locked himself up see
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what we mean
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i was working undercover a few years ago
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in narcotics division and
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i was doing some cold hits at the layton
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hills mall and i saw these guys and and
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went up to him yo mike mike
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oh wait a minute you're not mike never
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mind
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i'll see you later and he goes wait wait
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what do you want and i said well i'm
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just looking for a pipe man me and my
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buddy over there we just scored some bud
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and we want to blaze up and we'll pinch
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you a big old butt if you can can just
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give us a pipe and and he said well let
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me ask my friend he talks to his friend
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and his friend says sorry we don't have
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a pipe okay see you later and i turned
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to walk away and and he said well wait a
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minute come here just a minute and so i
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walked up to i said what do you want he
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goes you know anybody wants to buy some
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crank
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oh funny you should ask i didn't have
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any buy money on me at the time so i
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pointed to my partner who was parked in
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a swat truck about 50 feet away had red
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and blues right on the front of the swat
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truck i said i don't do that stuff but
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my partner there he he loves to tweak my
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buddy there so if you can give me the
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stuff i'll go show it to him if he
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thinks it's good man we'll buy it from
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you because i wanted to see his doe so
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he pulls the dope out he gives it to me
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and he looked right at the sweat truck
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too and i thought oh my gosh i blew it
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he's gonna see those red and blues it's
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never gonna work now
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and i couldn't believe the idiot still
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sold me the dope even after seeing those
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red and blues like this guy's really
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stupid
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man
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there's a reason why builds called doe
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yep here's something to keep in mind an
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id with something added can easily
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become the word idiot that's what you'll
00:10:23
find spelled out in our next tale let's
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take a little road trip to orem utah
00:10:29
we got a call on
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back in september of two guys who had
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gone into a local computer store
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to fill out an application for credit
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for some
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laptop computers
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the problem was they'd been in the same
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store two months earlier and had ripped
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that store off for one of their laptops
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on a previous time the clerk recognized
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them and called us when they saw they
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were filling out this the second
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application they got a little bit hinky
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and left
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while they were supposedly checking out
00:11:00
this credit application when we pulled
00:11:02
them over we found that they each had
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two phony california drivers licenses
00:11:07
with the same name all the information
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in fact everything was the same
00:11:12
except for the photos which were the two
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bad guys
00:11:15
that's a pretty easy case to make when
00:11:17
they make it that easy for you by using
00:11:19
the same name for both guys
00:11:21
[Applause]
00:11:25
[Music]
00:11:27
[Applause]
00:11:29
coming up later a man with multiple
00:11:31
marks on his record doesn't know when to
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quit but now with news that contradicts
00:11:35
the theory of evolution here's daniel
00:11:38
with abc headlines
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[Applause]
00:11:40
[Music]
00:11:42
[Applause]
00:11:45
a man in columbia missouri was pulled
00:11:47
over for driving without his headlights
00:11:48
on no big deal right but he feared that
00:11:51
he was being stopped for driving with a
00:11:53
suspended license or for possession of
00:11:55
marijuana
00:11:56
to avoid further problems he identified
00:11:58
himself as his brother
00:12:00
bad choice
00:12:02
his brother was currently being sought
00:12:04
for two outstanding arrest warrants
00:12:07
okay growing more panicky he assaulted
00:12:10
the officer and fled only to be captured
00:12:12
the next day and have eight charges
00:12:14
filed against him he should have quit
00:12:16
while he was ahead you know
00:12:17
to make his getaway from a bank robbery
00:12:20
in traverse city michigan the unarmed
00:12:21
man demanded the keys to a car belonging
00:12:24
to one of the tellers he ran out of the
00:12:26
door and immediately they called police
00:12:29
when officers arrived they found the
00:12:31
frustrated suspect still in the parking
00:12:33
lot trying to figure out how to drive a
00:12:35
stick
00:12:36
shift
00:12:38
you know he thought his getaway would be
00:12:40
automatic but
00:12:42
you know maybe not just any car we'll do
00:12:44
in a clutch huh
00:12:46
30 fugitives responded to a phony
00:12:48
contest sponsored by state and federal
00:12:51
officers in gary indiana all were seated
00:12:54
awaiting the announcement that they had
00:12:56
won valuable prizes when the curtains
00:12:58
opened
00:12:58
and outstepped 20 uniformed officers
00:13:00
with cups in hand
00:13:02
one of the disillusioned felons
00:13:04
reportedly asked do i still get my tv
00:13:08
and that closes the file on adc
00:13:10
headlines news ripped from somewhere
00:13:12
near the back of your local newspaper
00:13:14
debbie
00:13:19
just how much is a friendship worth if a
00:13:21
friend ran out of gas and needed help
00:13:23
you'd probably come to the rescue huh
00:13:25
but what if that out of gas vehicle was
00:13:27
stolen from your place of business now
00:13:29
that complicates matters well that's
00:13:32
only the beginning of problems for our
00:13:34
next crook take a look
00:13:37
we got a call from a sheriff's
00:13:38
department in arizona regarding the
00:13:40
truck that was stolen from a business
00:13:42
there
00:13:43
seems the employee taken the truck
00:13:45
drove to vegas or to our area
00:13:48
didn't have any gas so he called back to
00:13:50
the employer
00:13:51
asking to get some money wired 24 gas
00:13:54
that's dumb employee there called police
00:13:56
department knowing the truck was stolen
00:13:58
they relayed the information dust he
00:14:00
still parked at the gas pumps when we
00:14:02
got there
00:14:03
he snuck up behind that took him out of
00:14:05
gunpoint
00:14:07
placed him under arrest
00:14:10
what he didn't realize is he had nine
00:14:12
thousand dollars underneath the front
00:14:13
seat of that truck and the nine thousand
00:14:15
dollars was that week's payroll could
00:14:17
have gone out and bought gas bought some
00:14:18
new truck and played a lot of slots in
00:14:20
vegas
00:14:21
[Laughter]
00:14:24
hey now you've always heard the
00:14:26
expression things go better with coke
00:14:28
well not in this case here's another
00:14:30
expression that's appropriate old habits
00:14:33
die hard and for this guy he couldn't
00:14:35
have been in a worse place for that
00:14:37
truth to come to light here's this
00:14:39
week's dim-witted chapter of um where
00:14:42
you who
00:14:45
[Music]
00:14:49
one night i arrested a young man for
00:14:50
possession of rock cocaine
00:14:52
he was taken to jail and showed up about
00:14:54
a week later for his preliminary hearing
00:14:56
in court
00:14:57
while walking into the courthouse
00:14:59
he was passing through the metal
00:15:01
detector and set it off right at about
00:15:03
the same time the judge is walking
00:15:04
through the courtroom doors
00:15:06
out towards the lobby area where the
00:15:07
metal detector was the bailiff at the
00:15:10
court made the young man empty his
00:15:12
pockets into a tray next to the metal
00:15:14
detector he was unaware that he had
00:15:15
brought three rocks of cocaine into the
00:15:18
courtroom with him and set them down the
00:15:20
tray right in front of the judge so in
00:15:22
addition to the count of possession of
00:15:24
rock cocaine that i arrested him for the
00:15:26
judge gave him another count right there
00:15:28
and sentenced him to jail he should have
00:15:29
known the rock didn't roll
00:15:34
most people are at least a little bit
00:15:36
embarrassed when they get a ticket or
00:15:37
are charged with breaking the law but
00:15:39
not this guy he's fighting back with
00:15:41
some very original logic
00:15:45
one day i noticed the vehicle was
00:15:46
speeding down the freeway checked the
00:15:48
license plate and it came out stolen so
00:15:49
i turn on the lights and siren the
00:15:51
vehicle speeds up and he's all over the
00:15:53
road running off in front of cars trying
00:15:55
to run cars off the road eventually gets
00:15:57
off the freeway runs red lights just all
00:15:59
kinds of dangerous stuff well eventually
00:16:01
we even have to sort of ram the vehicle
00:16:03
to get it to pull over and stop and pin
00:16:04
it the guy even fights with us trying to
00:16:06
get out of the car well he cools down we
00:16:08
get him in the car in handcuffs and he's
00:16:10
actually being quite friendly he says
00:16:11
well what are you guys going to charge
00:16:12
me with suddenly read off this long list
00:16:15
of all the charges all the felonies
00:16:16
against him you know evading arrest
00:16:18
stolen car no license uh you know uh
00:16:21
being under the influence of drugs and i
00:16:23
said oh yeah and you weren't wearing
00:16:24
your seat belts guys get real big and he
00:16:26
says wait a minute wait a minute all
00:16:28
right i stole a car and i was driving
00:16:30
without a license tonight i was
00:16:31
resisting arrest but i had my seat belt
00:16:33
on
00:16:35
no way you can pin me down without
00:16:36
wearing my seat belt
00:16:39
i was wearing my seat belt all right all
00:16:41
right i have my seat belt on
00:16:45
[Applause]
00:16:45
[Music]
00:16:49
[Applause]
00:16:56
now we come to our last story of the
00:16:58
evening which centers around a relaxing
00:17:00
drive in the country well drive yes
00:17:03
relaxing no what it actually was was a
00:17:05
setup for a crook to rob the taxi driver
00:17:08
but we don't think his mental meter was
00:17:11
running because of what he did next see
00:17:13
how justice is swiftly dispatched in
00:17:15
tonight's episode of we're not making
00:17:17
this up
00:17:18
[Music]
00:17:23
a couple of weeks ago there was a
00:17:26
man hired taxi cab and he had the taxi
00:17:29
driver just ride around
00:17:31
randomly from place to place
00:17:33
finally ended up on a
00:17:35
country road over here in chesapeake
00:17:38
and at that point he decided to rob the
00:17:40
cab driver that'd be a good time to pull
00:17:42
over
00:17:43
come on give me your money come on
00:17:47
that's all you've got that's it get out
00:17:49
of here
00:17:54
and the cab left and of course called in
00:17:56
the robbery well the robber found out
00:17:59
that he was out on a country road with
00:18:01
nowhere to get back to town
00:18:04
so he went to a
00:18:06
house nearby and called the cab company
00:18:08
he called the same cab company and
00:18:10
talked to the same dispatcher that he
00:18:12
talked to earlier was the
00:18:15
dispatcher recognized his voice called
00:18:17
the police
00:18:18
cab driver went up and picked up a
00:18:20
police detective they went to the
00:18:23
country road and picked up the suspect
00:18:26
right near where he was let off and
00:18:28
arrested him on the spot
00:18:31
i just wanted a cab put your left hand
00:18:33
behind your back
00:18:36
[Applause]
00:18:36
[Music]
00:18:37
[Applause]
00:18:43
just call him one of america's dumbest
00:18:45
criminals but unfortunately he's far
00:18:48
from alone in wearing that title and
00:18:49
we'll be adding more crooks to the
00:18:51
lineup so make sure you join us next
00:18:53
week and if you've got a lead on a story
00:18:54
or you just can't wait till next week
00:18:56
for more state of the art stupidity
00:18:58
visit our website at www.dumbcrimes.com
00:19:03
to put it simply committing any crime is
00:19:05
dumb that's the underlying truth we
00:19:08
bring each week and every week we want
00:19:10
to make sure that we recognize the law
00:19:11
enforcement officers who work really
00:19:13
hard to help protect us and keep us from
00:19:16
harm's way we thank them for the job
00:19:18
they do and we thank you for joining us
00:19:19
tonight as always we hope that we've all
00:19:22
learned from others mistakes but if you
00:19:24
haven't we just might see you next week
00:19:26
on america's dumbest criminal goodbye
00:19:29
[Music]
00:19:41
[Applause]
00:19:43
[Music]
00:19:46
[Applause]
00:19:49
[Music]
00:20:02
wow
00:20:04
[Applause]
00:20:08
[Music]
00:20:09
[Applause]
00:20:12
[Music]
00:20:23
you
