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tonight on america's dumbest criminals
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where does this inmate think he's going
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in such a hurry we don't think he's
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getting off on good behavior
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if you were dressed like this wouldn't
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you be inclined to be in a hurry
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and what do you need for a stakeout to
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catch sticky-fingered donut thieves
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there's a whole lot of laughs right
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under your nose as we track down
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america's dumbest criminals
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[Music]
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wow
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[Music]
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now welcome your hosts for abc daniel
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butler and debbie allen
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hi there
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daniel what are you doing out there
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to do go ahead no debbie i'm bringing
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joy to my public all right you look like
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a jellyfield man to me rusty yes you are
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nothing personal you understand why is
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it oh oh you're eating oh great don't
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get anything on your suit okay but why
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is it that you're always eating on this
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show well
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i have to keep my energy up debbie for
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me at my best for my fans and i can feel
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there's a whole lot of love in this room
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huh
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that could be or it might just be the
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sugar buzz i understand daniel's reason
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for bringing donuts a little bit later
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we have a story about a doughnut
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stakeout
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but now it's time for caught on camera
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if i can pull daniel away from his
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adoring public we'll introduce our first
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story daniel
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oh great what happened
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well i'm not quite sure debbie
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i think it was a backdrafter
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rusty do i need to get out the dust
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buster
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do i need to get my dust busters please
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would you
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all right while i'm vacuuming daniel i
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want you to take a look at an amazing
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story a nashville tv news crew was in a
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perfect position to observe an inmate
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releasing himself from a work detail the
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tape was rolling and it was caught on
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camera
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[Music]
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we were down there doing a story on some
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sort of mysterious sonic boom so they
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got a lot of phone calls to the 9-1-1
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center so we go down to the 9-1-1 center
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well my buddy my cameraman al devine
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always rolling videotape we're walking
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out into the parking lot going to our
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car and suddenly i look up and i see
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this jail suit running across the field
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i go i'll roll on this guy he's already
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rolling he's on it just caught you know
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the last 10 or 11 seconds of it and
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we're going what was that about over at
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the 9-1-1 center so we can tell a cop
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who's right there going you better get
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right on this man you got an escapee and
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we helped catch him basically i said
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well what were you thinking he goes man
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it was just christmas time and i wanted
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to see grandma get home and and you know
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it was like andy williams episode or
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something so it was really kind of
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amazing
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[Applause]
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all right stop me if you've heard this
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one a guy goes into a bar and steals the
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tip jar
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wins in your pocket and and and what
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well what's the punchline
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oh it's right here and something to
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remember me by
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[Music]
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we were dispatched to a theft at a local
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restaurant we talked to the owner and he
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said somebody had stolen a tip jar off
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of his counter he said that a subject
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had come in
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ask for an application
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and that was his reason for being there
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while he was filling out the application
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the owner was walking around doing the
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work in the store and when he went in
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the back the guy grabbed the tip jar off
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the counter and ran out the front door
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we got there we looked at the
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application he was filling out
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it had the name of one of our local
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people that we always arrest for petty
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thefts and things like that
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so come to find out he put all his
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correct information on the application
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so we just went to his house picked him
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up got him in a photo id lined up
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owner picked him out right away
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and we arrested him saying now we got a
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new occupation he makes license plates
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you know if your heating and cooling
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system isn't working as well as it
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should try checking the filter
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and if that isn't the problem see if
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you've got a burglar caught in the duck
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hey it happens see for yourself
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we were working at night watch it was
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near the end of the watch and we got a
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call for burglars in the building at a
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store so we go over there
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and we have four cars on it two on the
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perimeter and two to go inside and
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search the building a short time later
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get a call on the radio that
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they have the situation secure so i walk
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on up there and i'm dumbfounded i look
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at everybody
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what is this
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and as it turns out it's this burglar
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who
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was
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hanging upside down encumbered on the
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air duct grating for six hours prior to
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our arrival he was so
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hung up
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in the ceiling there that we had to call
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the fire department to get the jaws of
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life and cut him out of there so
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we get him out and so he's telling us
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that uh he decided to climb up a tree
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which was about five feet away from the
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building and he's about twenty feet off
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the ground and he jumps onto the roof
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pulls the grate off
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to the air duct and his story is he
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heard some music and he was leaning in
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to
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listen to the music and he fell in he
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had no intention of committing a
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burglary when it was all said and done
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he had two other burglary charges
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pending and the state of missouri gave
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them a nice warm place to stay for five
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years
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[Applause]
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[Music]
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in carmel california women are not
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allowed to wear high heels while in the
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city limits
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does that mean that men are
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but if so that leads right to our next
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story a man in a dress is by nature a
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funny idea it works for milton berle
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flip wilson and mom's mabely but it's a
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real drag for a guy hoping to get off
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the hook with police here's another of
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america's dumbest excuses
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[Applause]
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i stopped a car in a local park
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and it was occupied by one person one
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guy and i thought it was suspicious he
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would kept leaning over to the front of
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the seat looked like he was putting
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something underneath the seat so i
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pulled up behind him got out started
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talking to him a little bit noticed
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right away that he was wearing a dress
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a pink flower dress drawstrings and had
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a slip-on underneath even
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so i got a little little suspicious
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so after i got him out of the car i saw
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some empty beer cans in the car and
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placed him under a rest for the the open
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liquor in a park and i found 11 bags of
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rock cocaine underneath the front seat
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and from there i started to ask him
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about
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you know hey why are you wearing a dress
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he said that he was robbed
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and since he didn't have any money they
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made him put a dress on and so he just
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kept it on when i asked him why he
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didn't put his clothes back on which was
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sitting right on the front seat he said
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that his car overheated and he lived
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about a half a block away and he was
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just about to put the clothes on when i
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pulled up based on his dirty feet we
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thought he was out dancing in the park
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[Applause]
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if you are disturbed by senseless acts
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of violence against electronic equipment
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i suggest you turn away now but if
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you're one of those people who wish your
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uncle lou would get the camcorder out of
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your face at thanksgiving dinner you may
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take a certain devious pleasure in what
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you're about to see it's a blink of the
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eye blue light special
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[Music]
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if you think the food here is fast watch
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the speedy moves of these robbers this
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one's a little camera shy ouch
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ah but the videotape is even faster than
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they are recording unfavorable
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impressions of these guys before lights
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out just what the police officers order
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salad bar no crowbar unfortunately yes
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behind bars definitely because remember
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not only does the camera never lie it
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always has the last laugh
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when old yobes robbers really scoped out
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their targets they had blueprints they
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drew diagrams they carried stopwatches
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to practice their schemes well clearly
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the crook you're about to see put very
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little planning into his heist and it
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shows
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i normally work the day shift and early
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one morning
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i left the station a little bit late
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went down to the coffee shop to get
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myself a coffee because i was a little
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tired got my coffee all set to sit down
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to finish up paperwork from the night
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before and we had a bank alarm come in i
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started heading the area like every
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other cruiser normally does when we have
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a bank alarm and on the way to the bank
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we got a description of the vehicle as
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i'm driving down one of the streets i
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spot a car coming from that direction
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about the right amount of time it would
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take when you get there i look at him he
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looks at me
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i figure it's got to be him the way he
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looked at me i pulled him over
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he gave me an explanation that he just
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dropped his daughter off at school and
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he was headed home i detained him at the
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bank employees who said they saw this
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guy
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came up and they identified him as the
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guy who tried to rob the bank is that
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the guy
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that's the guy
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the kicker is the thing that makes these
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things so interesting is the fact that
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he entered the bank
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through the first set of doors
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looked at the tellers all lined up and
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ready to go for the morning step to the
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left put a mask over his head step back
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to the right and tried to go into the
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bank
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the problem is it was ten to nine
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bank doesn't open until nine o'clock
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he hauled on the doors until he broke
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him but by that time so much time had
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gone by the tellers had pushed the alarm
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he figured it out
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took his mask off and ran out the door
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he ran out to his car which was parked
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inside the bank right next to the window
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so all the tellers could see him get in
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his car and leave in the direction that
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i was actually coming from he apparently
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looked at the clock to the bank right
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next to this one and the clock was ten
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minutes fast
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so four times on this part
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[Music]
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and now with the news here's a guy who
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could add charm to any police lineup
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here's daniel with abc headlines
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[Applause]
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[Music]
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while paying for his meal at a barbecue
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restaurant in shreveport louisiana a man
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decided to place a to-go order for all
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the cash in the register the clerk did
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as instructed and the robber was out of
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the door faster than you could say hot
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sauce in fact he left so fast that he
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left his wallet containing among other
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items his prison id card
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now here's a thought that'll launch you
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towards the stratosphere of stupidity
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hey i'm drunk i think i'll go steal an
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airplane
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a california man took to the sky on a
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not so natural high barely missing a
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hospital before he surged through power
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lines and took a nosedive into the
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median of a freeway cheap thrills hardly
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the utility company billed him for one
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hundred and eighteen thousand dollars
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for damages
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plus he's being sued by the owner of the
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plane and a man injured by his kamikaze
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caper so much for the friendly skies
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almost clever drug smugglers thought
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they'd come up with a devious way to
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transport over six thousand pounds of
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marijuana into the us from mexico they
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rigged a propane tanker trunk with a
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secret compartment yet it was able to
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produce propane gas from all of its
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valves impressive yes but there was one
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unsightly little oversight they
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misspelled the name of the well-known
00:12:13
gas company outside of the truck
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and that closes the files on adc
00:12:19
headlines news rips from somewhere near
00:12:21
the back of your local newspaper debbie
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[Music]
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you've seen the bumper sticker that
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reads hugs not drugs well here's the
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story of a mother who couldn't choose
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between the two so she offered her son
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both it's our special delivery
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the
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matter that
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we're presenting today is a
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case we call the family affair because
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it involves the arrest of both an 18
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year old son and his mother the 18 year
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old defendant was in police custody for
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a theft charge and during processing he
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requested to make a phone call it's not
00:12:57
uncommon that defendants will ask to
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call somebody before they're transported
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to the county jail in this instance we
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we certainly allowed him to call
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somebody and he called his mother we
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were happy about that because we had an
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arrest warrant for the mother as well
00:13:10
mom arrives a short time later at the
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police department
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well she requests the opportunity to
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give her son a hug before he's
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transported to the local prison so we
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certainly allowed and they had they
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embraced for a short time
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the embrace was in such a manner that
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they were trying to uh conceal their
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bodies away from the officers who were
00:13:28
also present and it just looked unusual
00:13:31
to the officers and they knew something
00:13:32
was up the problem is mom is slipping
00:13:35
him some narcotics during the hug during
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the embrace
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well of course there is a constable
00:13:41
present there are police officers
00:13:42
present they view this transaction not
00:13:45
only is mother arrested for the
00:13:46
outstanding warrant but also of delivery
00:13:49
of a controlled substance that being the
00:13:50
narcotics to her son who was in police
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custody at the time of course the police
00:13:54
officers would never stand in the way of
00:13:56
a mother's love for her son especially a
00:13:58
son who she wouldn't see for a while
00:13:59
because it was being incarcerated so we
00:14:01
were more than happy to allow them to
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embrace
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[Applause]
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colors twists old-fashioned bear claws
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honey buns cream filled chocolate
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covered or rolled in sprinkles
00:14:15
i practically glaze over just thinking
00:14:17
about them and to think that anyone
00:14:19
would pull a doughnut heist is downright
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repugnant they should be dunked in oil
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kind of like doughnuts
00:14:26
for the story we go to delray beach
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florida
00:14:28
we were out checking out a local grocery
00:14:30
store because they were
00:14:32
having some burglaries that took took
00:14:34
place they were losing some bakery goods
00:14:36
so we decided to put one of our offices
00:14:38
under cover
00:14:39
i was sort of put in charge of taking
00:14:41
care of it so they stuck me in an
00:14:42
undercover vehicle unmarked
00:14:45
and i sat and watched and
00:14:49
i happened to see one of the cleaning
00:14:50
crew members who cleaned the parking lot
00:14:52
throughout the night
00:14:53
grabbing the donuts
00:14:55
and sort of stashed in the bushes for a
00:14:57
later time to snack on and i happened to
00:15:00
catch him in the act
00:15:03
he wasn't too happy with that he said i
00:15:05
can't believe i'm going to jail over a
00:15:06
box of donuts i said well
00:15:09
stealing stealing whether it's a box of
00:15:10
donuts or a car the evidence never got
00:15:12
emptied
00:15:14
nobody takes my donuts
00:15:16
despite the media and public's opinion
00:15:18
all the donuts recovered and returned to
00:15:20
the store
00:15:21
we did not eat them
00:15:23
[Music]
00:15:25
[Applause]
00:15:29
now let's look back at one of abc's
00:15:32
greatest hits
00:15:34
on christmas morning in chevy chase
00:15:35
maryland a couple called the police to
00:15:37
report a burglar in their home who was
00:15:39
downstairs attempting to stuff their
00:15:41
presents into his pants and sneak out
00:15:45
police quietly entered the house and
00:15:46
arrested the little elf who must have
00:15:48
been looking for a pair of suspenders
00:15:50
that he obviously misplaced before
00:15:52
leaving the north pole he was last seen
00:15:55
decking the halls at the local chain
00:15:59
[Applause]
00:16:02
in georgia you have the right to commit
00:16:04
simple battery if provoked by fighting
00:16:07
words
00:16:08
a lady had called the police department
00:16:10
reporting that she had called her stolen
00:16:13
cell phone number hello you have my
00:16:15
phone
00:16:16
and it was
00:16:18
answered by a guy named skip this is
00:16:20
skip
00:16:21
who they just stated he had just paid 50
00:16:23
for the cell phone and he wanted 50
00:16:25
dollars to
00:16:26
basically break even on it they decided
00:16:29
to meet up at the local burger king
00:16:31
where i was able to
00:16:34
be with the victim inside her vehicle
00:16:36
laying down on the floor of the sport
00:16:37
utility vehicle he circles
00:16:39
our vehicle and stops i tell the driver
00:16:43
to have the suspect get out of his
00:16:45
vehicle
00:16:47
at that point
00:16:48
as they're talking i'd get out of our
00:16:50
vehicle
00:16:51
and approach him and place him under
00:16:52
arrest for trafficking's on property and
00:16:55
i searched his vehicle incident to
00:16:56
arrest where i found
00:16:59
some methamphetamine and some marijuana
00:17:01
this guy should have quit while he was
00:17:02
ahead
00:17:05
[Music]
00:17:07
when you need to settle an argument and
00:17:09
judge judy is busy who are you gonna
00:17:10
call if your answer is ghostbusters you
00:17:13
need to get out more often okay that
00:17:15
movie's 20 years old okay a less exotic
00:17:17
though more timely response would be to
00:17:19
call the police which is just what
00:17:21
happens in this story here's we're not
00:17:23
making this up
00:17:24
[Music]
00:17:29
i got a call to go to a family dispute
00:17:33
and i walk up and there's this old lady
00:17:36
on the front porch i said man what's
00:17:37
wrong
00:17:38
and she said there's this old boy over
00:17:41
here he keeps coming out here staring at
00:17:43
me who is it that old boy that lives
00:17:45
over there they call it biscuit i
00:17:48
knocked on the door and biscuit comes to
00:17:49
the door
00:17:50
and i said are you biscuit she he said
00:17:53
yeah biscuit i want you to quit looking
00:17:56
at her okay you heard the man tell that
00:17:58
crazy fat quit looking at me and i said
00:18:01
okay man will you quit looking at him
00:18:04
you quit going paw
00:18:05
come on
00:18:08
okay
00:18:09
sir quit going paw to her
00:18:11
i said
00:18:12
okay so i get about
00:18:15
maybe two blocks away and as and i hear
00:18:18
on the radio officer may go back there
00:18:21
at it again
00:18:22
and when i get back
00:18:24
biscuit's mama's there
00:18:26
and she has her hands underneath her
00:18:29
arms going
00:18:32
walking in a circle
00:18:35
and biscuit was on the front porch
00:18:43
all right i'm going y'all are acting
00:18:45
like children i'm gonna have to treat
00:18:46
you like children go to your room
00:18:49
and they all turn around and whip it
00:18:50
into their rooms i said don't come out
00:18:53
until y'all can play nicely
00:18:55
and i didn't get another call for the
00:18:56
rest of the night
00:18:58
[Music]
00:19:01
well daniel's donut box is empty so it's
00:19:04
time to go yeah i hope next week we have
00:19:06
a story about a steak and lobster steak
00:19:08
out you work up your appetite well our
00:19:10
staff works up new stories an ice cream
00:19:12
store wouldn't be bad either you know
00:19:14
rocky road huh i feel like i traveled
00:19:16
that every week with you oh yeah
00:19:18
and we'll travel it again next week
00:19:20
won't we yes we will but before we leave
00:19:23
we'd like to thank the officers who
00:19:24
helped us with this show and say hats
00:19:27
off to all who serve in law enforcement
00:19:29
we appreciate the good folks who protect
00:19:31
us from the bad guys if you'd like to
00:19:32
drop us a line visit our website
00:19:34
www.dumbcrimes.com
00:19:38
as always we hope that we've all learned
00:19:40
from others mistakes but if you haven't
00:19:42
we just might see you next week on
00:19:44
america's dumbest criminals
00:19:52
wow
00:19:55
[Applause]
00:19:57
[Music]
00:19:58
[Applause]
00:20:02
[Music]
00:20:13
you
