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hi i'm daniel butler welcome to another
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edition of america's dumbest criminals
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[Music]
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do
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[Music]
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on this episode of america's dumbest
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criminal
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a crook packs his bags and makes a run
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for it
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a kid does a moronic macarena on a
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friend's car
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a salivating senior expresses his
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feelings for a local store
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and a guy in his birthday suit gets
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pulled over for speeding
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all this and more on this week's episode
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of america's dumbest criminals walk away
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from the car he's your host daniel
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mudler shopping can be like running a
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marathon your heart is pumping the
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adrenaline running through your veins
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the anticipation can be overwhelming
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grab your selections on your mark get
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set go
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unfortunately this guy jumped the gun
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and had to be disqualified from any
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further shopping sprees
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besides he had already shopped until he
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was dropped
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i believe a person should always be
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prepared a mental checklist is always a
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sure bet for success
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target
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check
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mask
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check
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gun to get jewels check
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bag for jewels check getaway car
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check
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escape route westbound westbound turn
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westbound on third suspect is sustaining
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speed he's pulling away from us 2a 15
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we're out of the pursuit jack full tank
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of gas
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um
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police officer put your hands up turn
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forward don't move don't move five to
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ten years
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check
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officer mark castille of garland texas
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was dispatched to back up the fire
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department on an injured person report
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at first glance the man appeared to have
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been changing a tire when the vehicle
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had fallen on his foot
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only problem
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the car wasn't his
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we get there and this man looked like he
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was changing a tire and the vehicle had
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fallen on his foot
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and he was trapped by the foot
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and we go up to help this young man and
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get to looking at the car and realize
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that the column was peeled it was
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actually a stolen car he was stripping
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it when it fell on his foot and trapped
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him trapped by the foot begging us to
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get the car off his foot and with that
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they took the car off his foot so he
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could hoof it straight to jail
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a former detective with the andalusia
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alabama police department told us about
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a baseball player who thought he was
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safe at home
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when the officer arrived on the scene he
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saw tracks leading from the back door
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across the yard and up to a house
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the tracks appeared to be baseball shoes
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with cleats on them
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glass followed the distinctive
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footprints up to the door of the house
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where they disappeared
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one look at the dumb criminal's shoes
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and the detective knew he had his man
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yeah sir
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good you live here i live here
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what'd you do just hit a home run next
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door i was playing baseball yeah okay
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why don't you go to the station turn
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around place your hands behind your back
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for me
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the man was arrested and charged with
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the break-in
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he had just struck out
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and now crimes of the week with daniel
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butler and beaumont bacon hi i'm daniel
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butler and this is my vine ripened
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co-host beaumont bacon hi daniel hello a
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handcuffed prisoner had managed to get
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away from an officer and fled the scene
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the officer gave chase and followed the
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guy for a few blocks into an alley
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they do that criminals always seem to
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find those back alleys
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it's a natural homing instinct
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deciding it was time to end the chase
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the officer took his night stick and
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threw it down at the goon's feet hoping
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to trip him up the spiteful sprinter
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laughed and watched as the night stick
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soared by him and into a wall i bet he
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wasn't laughing for long well you're
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right because he was focusing so much of
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his attention on the night stick that he
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failed to see the van that he pulled
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into the alley in front of him he hit
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that van with full force and voila the
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pursuit was over i bet the officer got
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the last laugh
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good for him well so did this counselor
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at a correctional center one of his
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inmates wrote a letter to his girlfriend
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that said
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dear becky i'll be on work detail in the
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park this friday so leave the drugs and
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beer by that big oak tree the guards are
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so dang stupid here there's no way i'll
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ever get caught love billy what a
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touching letter well his brilliant plan
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fell apart because instead of putting
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the jail as the return address he sent
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the letter to the jail where it wound up
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on the warden's desk
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i'm sure the warden passed the inmate
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sentiments onto those stupid guards huh
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which brings us to our vidiot of the
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week let's try that again
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from all the stories that we've received
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this week this one was our favorite
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a woman had just parked her car when she
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was approached by a crook with a gun who
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forced her out of the driver's seat and
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demanded her keys
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unfortunately when the goon jumped into
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the car he realized that it was a stick
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shift he only knew how to drive an
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automatic
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he got out of the car and told the woman
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to get back in and drive him somewhere
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so she got in locked the doors backed
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out and drove away leaving the stunned
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stick up artist in a cloud of dust much
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like the contents of his head
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dusty in there thank you
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one would think that if you stole a
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vehicle you would want to do as little
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as possible to draw attention to
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yourself
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however this dumb criminal obviously
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threw caution to the wind officers made
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a rather unusual traffic stop one
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afternoon in houston texas
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a guy was clocked doing 90 miles per
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hour on a motorcycle and not wearing the
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required attire
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it turned out that the motorcycle was
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stolen and when the officers asked for
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the driver's information he was at a
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loss
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he didn't have his wallet or any
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identification or any clothes for that
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matter
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they quickly arrested our cool rider and
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took him down to the station for fitting
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into his new designer jail jeans and
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some ointment for his
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cheeks
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[Music]
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this next surveillance tape shows a
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grumpy old man who picked a rather
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disgusting way to make his mark on
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society
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unhappy with the way a local watch shop
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had repaired his timepiece this
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disgruntled grandpa decided to stop by
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after hours and pay the store a visit
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he also visited the shop owner's car
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the shop owner promptly had the police
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visit the salivating senior and have him
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arrested for defacing public property
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and drooling without a license
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a sacramento officer was called to a
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local motel to investigate the possible
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theft of a ghetto blaster and the
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suspect wished to lodge a complaint
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officer chip dull drove up to the motel
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parking lot and noticed something a
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little out of the ordinary about the
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victim and i'm talking to the guy and
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the story doesn't make any sense
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whatsoever but when i'm looking at him i
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see some white powder around his nostril
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of his nose
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i asked him about his nose and he goes
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well oh i just had a powdered donut
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i'm thinking
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well how come nothing around your mouth
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and just just tell me your name
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first of all take your hand out of your
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pocket you know what's your last name
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and he won't give me his name
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and he won't take his hand out of his
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pocket he has this blank stare looking
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right past me i'm thinking oh
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something's wrong here
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all of a sudden he bolts off takes off
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running
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and after about 100 yards i catch up to
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him and
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handcuff him and all that and walking
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back to the car and i search him he's
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got a loaded handgun in his pocket
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he's got a few grams of
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methamphetamine in his pocket about 900
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in cash
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and i went back to his car where he was
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looking for his id and so i searched the
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same bags and i found a
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about another three ounces of narcotics
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and scale
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and all this could have been avoided
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because and he had no reason to call us
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to begin with he had no crime
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but he wanted to make a complaint and
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because of his ignorance and again those
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stupid pills kicked in
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he got charged with nine different
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felony charges and
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went back to prison
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you can take the man out of his business
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but you can't take the business out of
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the man as we'll see in this next story
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an undercover cop had just cuffed a drug
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dealer and was on his way back to his
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cruiser when a car pulled up
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hey man the top stop the cops going yet
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ain't no cops around here really cool
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listen
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shut up don't say anything yeah
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i got a party tonight i'm looking to
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score some dope right now man i'm really
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desperate the officer decided to play
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along and use the dope that he had just
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taken from his cuffed con to set the new
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guy up even the detained dealer got
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caught up in the game how's this oh let
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me check this out
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i'll take it for 50 bucks
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no way man that's a hundred dollar bag
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hundred dollars you really think so let
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me check it out again how bad you want
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it oh man i've been looking all over i
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couldn't find any yeah 100 bucks man
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okay hey
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the way i do business i i need you to
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shake my hand okay i shake hand with all
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the people i do business with no problem
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would you have a good party tonight huh
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oh yeah i got a great part what what
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what you doing there you go turn around
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turn around
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sealing the deal with a handshake the
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officer took the yuppie and the drug
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dealer down to the station
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a yuppie and the drug dealer kind of
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sounds like a new tv show doesn't it
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[Music]
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this guy in hollywood florida found out
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the hard way that the element of
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surprise is a situation that works well
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for everyone not just dumb criminals
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you can see that this convenience store
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was having a slow night until this
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gun-toting goon rushed in and demanded
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the money from the clerk behind the
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counter
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he expected her to give him the money
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and then make his clean getaway what he
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didn't expect was the police officer who
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just happened to be in the back of the
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store doing a routine business check
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hear him demand the money the cop
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immediately identified himself and drew
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his gun too
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the surprised suspect immediately
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surrendered and was quickly taken to
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another counter to do his business the
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booking counter
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employees at a construction site in east
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texas complained to their security
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company because a variety of personal
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items had been disappearing during the
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night
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one worker in particular was disturbed
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about the loss of two gold coins that's
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when the manager of the security company
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realized that he might be able to help
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he told the man that just two days ago
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he had to fire a security guard and when
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he did the guy said man i don't need
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this job i got 80 000 worth of gold
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coins right here these are your gold
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coins yeah my gold coins
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well needless to say the coins bought
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him a one-way ticket straight to jail
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several cops have realized that if you
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ask a dumb criminal to confess they
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usually won't but if you give them a
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choice they will
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a case in point from houston texas
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we did a ring case we had 13 stolen
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vehicles we got 12 of them back we had
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one more to go
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my new partner at the city were driving
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up washington i said man there it is he
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goes what there's that car we're looking
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for
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there's this monte carlo sitting there
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reading we knew we had a picture of it
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so we going over there and we sit up and
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of course the car and nobody shows up
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nobody shows up so we said well hell
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let's go ahead and just pick it on up
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the
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owner of the car calls us up over the
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city and says hey y'all took my car
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yeah once you go ahead and bring your
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paperwork and you know when you get a
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statement from you
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so he shows up his buddy brings him over
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from the appliance place and i said
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i'll walk out in the parking lot and see
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what they pulled up in that car stolen
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so we went ahead and i told the guy says
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hey listen us we're doing free
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inspections today why don't you go ahead
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and pull your car around the back and
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let's inspect it make sure it ain't
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stolen
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guy goes okay so we're putting it up on
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the rack in the warehouse
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i looked down there's a one of the
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little old match boxes in there i said i
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don't know what's in the match box
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opening up some cocaine in there
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so i walk in this man so i got some bad
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news for you man it says
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find this cocaine in the car says and uh
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the car stolen he says man he says i
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don't know nothing about that stolen car
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he said now that cocaine's mine he says
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but i don't know nothing about that
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stolen car
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matter of fact give me a confession i
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mean give me a statement saying you know
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he bought the cocaine and everything so
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it was a slam dunk case after we got
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done
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who says that toys are only for children
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this star trooper played a hunch and
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beamed this dumb criminal off the
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streets and into the brig
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in sacramento california an officer made
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first contact with a local drug dealer
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that had managed up to that point to
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elude the police
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the cocky crackhead didn't seem
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concerned until the logical law man
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without saying a word reached into his
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pocket produced an electronic toy that
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he had recently purchased and scanned
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the confused con
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what are you doing officer ah it's my
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cocaine detector hold still let me check
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this is my cocaine detector who tells me
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you got cocaine on you
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works pretty good doesn't it
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the officer's hunch was right and the
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frustrated ferengi immediately forked
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over the cocaine that he had in his
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pocket and was put on the next
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shuttlecraft bound for the uss
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penitentiary warped factor 10.
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[Music]
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a gang member in murray utah got his
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revenge on a rival member's car and also
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got caught on tape
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he had spotted the rival car in a
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service station repair lot and decided
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to take out his frustrations on the car
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he proceeded to jump up and down on the
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roof and hood break all the windows and
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slash all of the tires
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he left very little behind for the
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police to work with except for the
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surveillance tape and his wallet
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evidently while doing his moronic
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macarena his wallet fell out of his
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pants and onto the ground
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so with his help police were able to
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catch our little dirty dancer a few
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hours later as he was cooling his heels
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at home
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[Music]
00:15:25
a smart crime is hard to find but
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there's no shortage of dumb criminals
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see you next week on america's dumbest
00:15:32
criminals
00:15:33
on the next episode of america's dumbest
00:15:35
criminal
00:15:37
a careless criminal stops the wrong
00:15:39
crustacean down his pants
00:15:42
a parachuter runs into a little
00:15:44
technical difficulty
00:15:46
a confused crook runs right into the
00:15:49
arms of the law he's going to come get
00:15:51
in with you
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an escaped khan forgets his glasses
00:15:58
the laughs just keep coming on the next
00:16:00
episode of america's dumbest criminals
00:16:03
and i don't know if you're familiar with
00:16:04
houston or not but they have a lot of
00:16:07
fairies so one night we got a call of a
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woman clean clinging to the back of the
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ferry and
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she was clinging to the back of the
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ferry that was was not in operation
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screaming for help
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and uh she said what happened and she
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says well she says i pulled was coming
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down southbound on crosby lynchburg and
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she says
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and i stopped for the railroad crossing
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she says the arms were dying the lights
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were going the lights were flashing she
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says
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but i looked both ways and didn't see
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anything so she said she cut the barrier
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because there obviously wasn't a train
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coming what she did is she drove right
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off the lane the ramp onto the ferry
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straight into the water
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yes one time it was on days
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they pulled out a priority one
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man screaming for help in his backyard
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just before we had official training
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officer i was training a rookie and i
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said well come on let's go ahead and get
00:16:55
it you know we need to get on over there
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we weren't probably 10 blocks away from
00:16:59
it so we jump in the old car and we
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mainly hammered on over them
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all the citizens are out front they flag
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us on dinosaurs there's a guy screaming
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for help in the backyard really loud he
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needs help
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so i said okay so
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we the the gates locked so we go into
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the gate the house next to it they got
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one of them security fences on eight
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foot of security fence
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so i look on over it and i don't see
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nothing nobody in the backyard you know
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except the guy's got a goat
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and it's got damn horns and a goat
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that's what happened send that old
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rookie on over to make sure the coast is
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clear you know when i tell the old
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rookie i said hey i got you covered
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we're up in a tree i said i got you
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covered go ahead jump the fence and see
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if you can find an open window so make
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sure nothing happens to the goat
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so he jumps the fence and first window
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he goes to it's unlocked it's all right
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so you know he opens up the window i
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said go inside and watch me so i jumped
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the fence and went inside the open with
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it so we're sitting there we're trying
00:17:54
to clear the house
00:18:01
[Applause]
00:18:04
screaming for help
00:18:06
there ain't no man screaming for help
00:18:07
it's just goat sounding like he's you
00:18:09
know
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i guess that's the way goats taught
00:18:12
so i said well we look at each other so
00:18:13
we jump back over the bench so i tell
00:18:15
the people hey you know there's a goat
00:18:16
in that guy's backyard oh there ain't no
00:18:18
gold in the backyard us oh yeah there is
00:18:20
so you know we we cleared a call
00:18:23
so uh since the dispatcher screened the
00:18:25
call so well we went back in service and
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i said well clean
00:18:29
clear of the call is a man screaming for
00:18:31
help or man screaming for help do a goat
00:18:34
and heat and show us back in
00:18:36
there
00:18:38
so the dispatcher thought that was real
00:18:39
funny because the thing was radio signs
00:18:42
for about five minutes
00:18:48
[Music]
00:18:59
you
