00:00:00
[Music] so anyway the poor mayor is like oh the
00:00:07
river is fine and they test it the guy testing it looks at her goes not great
00:00:12
she's like oh it's just a little bacterium and poop matter so she goes I'll dive in oh my God she goes in
00:00:19
someone else goes in and and it was like Swamp Thing she comes out but she's like this it's so magnifi
00:00:27
in there BS my face BS get me off of here he buts my
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face I was going to talk to you about the beginning where you you're on Tik Tok now which is a big
00:00:43
development and uh yes the thing about it is we you know it's good for these
00:00:48
clips and stuff and then I and then someone went on my Tik Tok two people
00:00:54
over 30 on Tik Tok this is embarrassing and they were like Dana Carvey wants you
00:01:01
to join him and I'm like okay and then I look and it's a foo foo yep these sneaky
00:01:09
rats these rat mofos they go because I have a bunch of fake ones and yours is
00:01:14
like Dana Garvey you know they just change it a little bit to make to throw
00:01:20
you off the scent or the real Dana Garvey or it's Dana Garvey official Dana
00:01:25
Carvey do you have a check or anything do you have anything that says I think they're looking into that for you so they can say you're the official Bland
00:01:32
Blarney but what about wait okay so I have fake ones and
00:01:37
but I've been on it longer than you and so on Instagram it's like the official David
00:01:42
Spade but official has Three L's I mean people should figure that out better and
00:01:47
there's no check mark I just joined it because I wanted to be with the In Crowd all the kids all the kids are talking
00:01:53
about it yeah it's like tick tock tick tock you know that's all they say yeah
00:01:59
hey look at this here's my dog they have Tik Tock hair where it's puffy on top it's like straight then it's like Jiffy
00:02:05
Pop curls like a they got a perm and they all have it like every person under
00:02:10
17 has it and they wear pajamas that's it that's all that's all I have to say I'm just trying to aggregate at this
00:02:16
point of my career I want to get the under 10 crowd I want to get the eight
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nines and tens I mean they would like G they were like church ladies so I go right what the
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fu my audience of my movies is geared toward four to six year olds so we do a
00:02:35
separate writing pass we go through it we go this feels like it's for an eight-year-old we got to go a little simpler and uh but on my my my number
00:02:44
one comment was from a toddler just want to fit that in what say two and a half me me like fun fun oh that was on
00:02:51
YouTube that's right crayon all over his face a really cute kid me like fun fun that's kind of like my number one fan
00:02:57
right now on Tik Tok that got a lot of likes that com comment yeah and mine is Instagram DMS where people like listen
00:03:05
is this really you because I've been getting first of all they know that this one's really them me but they go I've
00:03:10
been getting a David Spade I've been talking to for a few months what's wrong with you and it's like David Spade with
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5DS and and they're like and it's like and they send me a screens shot is this
00:03:24
you because we've been talking for a long time and and the first one's like hello fan
00:03:30
I'm David Spade from movies fan would you like to be fan friend I like you
00:03:37
send money fan and they're like I send some money I feel dumb is it not you I'm
00:03:42
like where does it seem like it's me if you know how I talk if I get that I start writing checks right away I press
00:03:50
bam you know because uh but David look news flash all right yeah you've been
00:03:55
hacked by an AI only an I would spell Spade with
00:04:02
3DS come on man people fall for it though and then people send them money
00:04:07
and the last one I got was hey can you pay off my mortgage it's probably hassle but here's all my banking
00:04:14
information and so it's like 180 Grand bubble just if it could be by tonight
00:04:20
would be great tomorrow is fine too I don't love it but it's tomorrow by noon and then if I don't pay then the next
00:04:26
day they're like actually that one went away and then a month later hey hey we're just going to build an extra room
00:04:32
now so it's only like seven Grand so here's all the banking information I mean why are you giving me all your banking information well that's it's
00:04:38
like a done deal it's like oh I'm scrambling let me get a pen I feel I've got spider sense because email you know
00:04:44
it's there email after email and then there's one pay now and avoid jail time and I'm like yeah if I click on that
00:04:51
then they can deep dive and know where I live and what color underwear I'm wearing so I I skip it but you're like
00:04:57
aants panties these people are real people cuz they give me a whole long diet tribe of
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their story and they they go you could help me you're Joe Dirt you understand uh hey Heather you click this crank the
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AC down to 77 that's how hot it is yeah 77 is cold in this scenario I've got my I've got
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meat what are you 62 what are you 62 67 68 you godamn
00:05:25
Psy if you listen s this this breaks up many marriages I have a friend he wants
00:05:31
it at 60 full-time and his wife wants it at 78 and how do you live how if you're
00:05:37
the other person how do you live because you hate one way uh more than half of
00:05:43
married couples at have a sleep divorce either a guy one guy yeah he's got
00:05:50
chronic diarrhea he's sweating coughing barking and soring she's in there she's not sleep
00:05:57
she's sleeping 30 40 minutes a night just just just just a war zone then they go why don't I go in the bedroom 10t
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away and then just have it any temperature I want and sleep if my wife
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hears this sound okay listen very carefully if she hears this sound bolts up awake what was the
00:06:17
sound well do you have a machine do you have a noise machine be like just that tiniest sound tiniest
00:06:25
sound so who's there who's there mhm yeah like
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this nobody I stand up I don't know sleep is an important thing David that's
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my message to you and this would be a perfect place for a mattress commercial we don't have okay speaking of pooping
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if we're going to talk about the Olympics we should start that's the big story we should start with poop river that Heather has brought up for months
00:06:50
now but yes poop river is one now more people know about it because first came
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to shove yes the sane River down the center the s I don't like they spell
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it's insane right now good night s just spell it senen everyone's fine
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but we have ADD letters what's your hot take on this PO my hot take is you know
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what it is it's a couple things Dana first of all I guess it's got I don't like when I'm
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about to do one of my Olympic events and I hear the word feal matter I don't yeah
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I don't like bacterium mhm M like they go okay everyone it's perfectly healthy
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most of you will probably live it's just it's a little poop heavy right and the
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problem was people started pooping in it on purpose before the Olympics because they were mad about what because they
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thought they spent too much money on cleaning the river and not cleaning the city I love the French culture you think
00:07:54
of Wine and Roses the Eiffel Tower but yeah people defecating in a river is also part of the Parisian mix right and
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they said they were getting on chat rooms going they're going to check it a week before the Olympics and the mayor's
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going down there so let's all poop in it and they all coordinated no joke peeing and pooping in the river to make sure no
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joke make sure that it would not pass they're trying to f up their own
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Olympics so anyway the poor mayor is like o we the river is fine and they
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test it the guy testing it looks goes not great she's like oh it's just a little bacterium and poople matter so
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she goes I'll dive in oh my God she goes in someone else goes in and it was like
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Swamp Thing she comes out but she's like this it's so magnifi
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in there it burs my face it burs get me out of here it burns my face got
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turpentine River yeah so she gets out like this all good di she's like yeah
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yeah I wouldn't swish it around your mouth I did that as a mistake um but just to swim if you're it for a couple
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hours in there they went in there I don't know if they they SW I think they just went in because this is the they
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got it kind of clean and then the triathletes said uh kind of look down they saw what was the water like go uh
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didn't taste so good that's all I said is that what he said yeah it didn't taste so good he said I see an I said
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that better be a Baby Ruth floating down by my blocks technically you know just biologically if you're going to do
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freestyle swim in a river you're going to you're going to on on average swallow a liter of water and so in that liter of
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water is all the things that you can possibly imagine they go just enough poop that you can still
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live oh yeah the guy said I gulped it um that was one of the guys testing it and
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he goes it's all good I gulped a little bit I wouldn't recommend gulping uh was too much but also you you
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know cuz they pushed it back a couple days to give it a little more time to clear out and then they really did it
00:10:08
and you know there's someone on the side going we got a Code Brown and I'm like one of the swimmers going I think I know what that means I think I can figure
00:10:14
that one out code blond Ramjet Ramjet I know you got 10 scientists with big
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beakers on the shore going still not good look at that look
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at that bacteria they're all like on the blocks one I don't speak French but when they're like this yeah you go that's not
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good also lastly you can tell because even though it's French you can tell it has English Roots how is the
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river what's that skunk's name the French skunk pep pep he wouldn't get
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it yeah he wouldn't go near that no but how about you're a triathlete they go it
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might be tomorrow so the next day you carve up on eight plates of spaghetti and they go not today you're like oh
00:11:05
we're not doing it okay so I'm not running 26 M oh so we'll do it tomorrow so now you're walking around all day
00:11:10
going I gotta walk this off then they go okay now we're doing it up scramble scramble they were going to do the
00:11:16
French version where you just get in a cold tub and splash for a few minutes then you're on a unicycle for about a quarter of a mile and then you just walk
00:11:23
up these stairs for two minutes and that's the the mini French yeah that alternative yeah I did
00:11:31
one where it was a paddle booat uh just go across a lake and then I think that's
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it that was it I did one you hop on your left foot two times slap yourself in the
00:11:43
face once and then stare at the Sun for one second the new Olympics for kids are
00:11:48
you DM three people try to get three DMS answered and then you make a tick
00:11:54
Tok I wasn't on Tik Tok and they told me the Chinese government was gonna study me so I'm that's all all right other
00:12:00
things other keep it moving yeah the other things in the Olympics though what any other Olympic stories well I just occurred to me they they do the
00:12:06
freestyle they doing the backstroke you got to do the backstroke right sure and then they have the freestyle they have
00:12:12
the butterfly they have the freestyle sounds like Freestyle means whatever you want they all seem to do this but what
00:12:17
if someone came up with something that was better than freestyle like just he's got a new stroke we don't know what it
00:12:23
is I mean there's no rules that they have to do the Tarzan freestyle it's just free so what if someone came up
00:12:30
with a better way F that's my question can you I think they would have done it by now but I I'm all for
00:12:38
it by the way um Simone biles is doing awesome which I'm happy about she's
00:12:44
killing it as of this as of the timing of this podcast she won another gold in
00:12:49
the floor exercise which she has so much power the thing that's interesting is that she's standing there in the corner
00:12:57
and then she gets a ton of speed up she goes apparently 20 ft in the air and does 10 sumersault and lands it but then
00:13:04
because of the rules of the floor exercise she stands there and does stuff that we could do for about 30
00:13:09
seconds just this it's filler and then she somersaulting nine
00:13:15
times and then back to you know what I actually agree with you because I saw the balance beam and
00:13:20
they do a flip really hard then they go yeah and then they just flap their arms around and I go that I can do that middle part they must love the flapping
00:13:27
arms part gez I landed that now I'm just gonna so that was my hot take on that
00:13:33
what about that guy that walks around with a full boner all the time and his Speedo I'm like all right guy and he
00:13:38
kind of leans back on what I know he's got a mini a mini loaf of bread in his
00:13:43
Speedo yeah that at some point and and it's like a drag on the pool he's got
00:13:49
he's got that he can if he wins with that thing in his pants I mean there's a
00:13:55
drag coefficient to that is true it's a very scientific by the way if I if I
00:14:00
look like that in a speedo I would join swimming if I was walking over the space shuttle like this guy he's standing
00:14:06
there and leaning back pushing it out going what what what are you looking at I'm like I would join swimming only so I
00:14:12
could wear almost nothing so everyone could check out my wang all the whole time his nickname is Space Needle I
00:14:17
don't know I mean all the live long day all the all the gigantic statues yes um
00:14:24
and no offense I think he was slapping it around trying to get a partial you know what I mean because he's not
00:14:29
walking around that chubbed up you know he has to look at three pages of porn maybe one thing on his phone for 400
00:14:36
years ago and like the guys go down with their swords and fight the other other villagers with swords he's the first guy
00:14:43
going down with that kind of action up front oh yeah he's got a lot up front that's a big Target too many cc's of
00:14:50
plasma down there for my taste just just give us your regular Wier
00:14:55
[Music]
00:15:03
let me do a quick thing about the opening ceremonies oh oh no yeah let's go because the opening ceremonies when everyone's and it was
00:15:10
raining yeah and it was kind of long to be honest uh because hours yeah and
00:15:16
they're sitting there in the pouring rain the problem is a lot of them had events the next day I'd be like guys
00:15:21
I've got a huge day tomorrow I think I might I might because uh I actually row
00:15:28
at 4 AM so uh I'm going to punch out of the last six and a half hours tonight
00:15:33
I'm just gonna try to get standing on a boat in the freezing rain yeah and they're like I have to get up in four
00:15:40
and a half hours I I actually have all my events tomorrow guys I don't want to be a party pooper but I'm gonna [ __ ]
00:15:45
bounce I'm running the marathon in 27 minutes and I've been standing on a freezing boat for seven hours do you
00:15:52
think I could maybe do a quick acit guys I have to dive in a poop River in about 22 minutes
00:15:59
all right that's it now we'll go to Biden oh my only wait you want to talk about the boxing oh yeah the boxing well
00:16:07
there's been a controversy that a trans athlete whether he's a trans athlete is she or he I don't know here it is boxer
00:16:14
had gender test issues wins first Olympic F so when you're watching the
00:16:20
fight just as not thinking you're kind of seen seems like a dude really strong
00:16:26
hit a smaller woman not near as strong in the face twice and then she drops her
00:16:32
knees and starts crying so it's like I don't know uh what right I don't know
00:16:39
what to do about this it's I like the boxer said enough oh my God yeah cuz her
00:16:44
nose was too tweaked you know there's apparently maybe has two ex chromosomes
00:16:51
or he he's born with both lady and man I don't know I don't want to go into the biology of it but yeah it just doesn't
00:16:59
doesn't look right and then it's a little gaslighting when the commissioner of the Olympic swimming just goes he
00:17:06
goes there no this is not a transgender issue right this is nothing to do with
00:17:12
that well everyone's trying to dance around and not get in trouble and of course that no one wants to get in
00:17:17
trouble but you have to just think of a safety issue at some point you know what's with that picture back up because
00:17:23
I want to do that's the boxer right yeah I just want to see what we put it back up for a second just in the next 10
00:17:29
minutes this is stepen Tyler watching this dude look like a
00:17:35
lady or lady looked like a dude all right that was a long way to go for that yeah it was good that's all right but
00:17:41
basically it's not a transgender issue but she seems to have the strength she
00:17:46
says I'll beat them all that was that was his her quote I'll beat them all and
00:17:52
I thought she meant she would take them all on that would make it fair if it was the 20 women against this person it it
00:18:00
always comes up like this someone from China or somewhere might be doping but
00:18:06
it's all sort of it's happening so fast so blurry so vague you don't really know
00:18:11
remember the figure skater they thought was they got a medal anyway and they thought they were cheating that's our
00:18:17
they listen remember when they had um Canada was sent the drone over the other team what was that for oh yeah and they
00:18:25
and they got deducted I don't know what happened well Russia they had all the lab samples this is a few years back
00:18:31
maybe four one Olympics back lab samples inside this this room completely guarded
00:18:39
and shielded and then they did a mission impossible Drew Drew holes in the ceiling they had people crawling around
00:18:46
they went down with Incredible equipment yeah picked them up put clean samples in them and put them back so that's like I
00:18:53
would give all those the Russians all the gold medals just based on doing a Tom Cruz right you know just show that
00:19:01
that's more fun to watch but you could tell that even they were the Russians were singing The Mission Impossible
00:19:06
theme the next day and they get
00:19:12
away clean samples clean samples drugs away okay here here we
00:19:18
keep okay this is a South Korea sent a fully kitted out player so we're looking
00:19:25
at a shooting event which I don't really know about it's like a daisy air rifle or something I used to have a BB gun or pet
00:19:31
gun I had both turkey sent a guy with no lenses oh this guy walks like he just
00:19:37
came from the Grove he's just he's in a T-shirt and no eye protection he's just
00:19:44
like gunning it down and he he's got his hand in his back pocket I mean that's a relax I guess that's what you're
00:19:50
supposed to do so either it's not that hard or it is really hard and he's
00:19:56
really good but I think he got silver which is an incredible
00:20:02
achievement here's my hot take on that this whole thing is about nerves a lot
00:20:07
of this Sports is just about nerves so the way he just had a t-shirt on walked up what's up yeah I'm cool and boom
00:20:14
because then if you're there like I got to do this or I you know all my family's watching you know yeah you're putting on
00:20:20
all your your microscope things and your stuff and you're padding and that's trickier oh wait yep oh that's somebody
00:20:27
who's really in that looks like Tron what is that his normal what is that is
00:20:33
that a gun or what that's his Daisy air rifle and uh I think I think that shoots
00:20:39
the target for you like right now he's right now this is his Olympic gold medal shot right there he's not even looking
00:20:45
at the Target he just he just said fire five bulls
00:20:51
eyes yeah that's the Olympic champion in action you know what that thing is on the top right looks like a price tag
00:20:58
that's that's so you don't have to go through the work of shutting one eye when you're when you're lean like that that does it
00:21:05
for you you just can't see I think that's really what that's for um all
00:21:10
right enough of these corny Olympics let's get to Joe Biden well I it's nothing revolutionary I just kind of as
00:21:17
a human story not a political story yes it's such a turn of all the stuff that
00:21:22
went down and clearly he was he's he's a stubborn tough Irishman MH and you know
00:21:28
I'm stay St at the convention you know and then he has a change of heart he goes so now Camala which is great she's
00:21:34
having her moment in politics so people are losing it over her and she's you
00:21:42
know you're being compared to Joe Biden of a month ago yeah how Pap up so she's
00:21:47
having her moment so I just wonder and it happens to anybody if a Camala
00:21:52
superfan was at an event and just started telling Joe Biden how great she
00:21:57
was you know that it's like Toy Story or something oh my God Joe have you seen her oh my God
00:22:03
she's so awesome she get her ratings are bigger than ever I mean she's got like she's winning every state and it's just
00:22:10
so great right Joe he's like yeah this great which one's her again Can't
00:22:17
Believe It's Not Butter I got in there on that one can't I couldn't shut up oh no take two
00:22:26
she's it's fun to be this charact character oh my God Mr President I'm sorry but Kamala can you believe it
00:22:32
she's so good she's so smart she's so pretty the ratings are through the rough I she's got every swing state just got
00:22:39
everything I just can't believe we have her aren't you happy yeah is I happy
00:22:45
who's happy [Music] for can't believe it's S
00:22:51
Bar there we go anyway but that there is some organic
00:22:57
human truth in that uh whatever their politics are there's because there the the next new
00:23:03
shiny object there's a new kid in town and he was just there and now everything God I mean it's honestly like someone
00:23:10
getting a new boyfriend they're like going crazy it's like give it a second it's embarrassing to go Instagram official like now suddenly Biden sitting
00:23:17
there eating his cold gacho going is he even president like we're not going to hear hide or hair him now and he's still
00:23:24
the president of the United States you kind of forget you know cuz she's she's not even nominee yet but I think the
00:23:30
Democrats are just happy because it looked really bad for them and now they know they've got more than a Fighter's
00:23:37
chance yeah yeah yeah it did it did change gears very quickly and uh I just
00:23:44
don't like they had that something called like um white men for Cala white
00:23:50
or black women for Cala like I don't I personally don't love that when the race is involved so much you know what I mean
00:23:57
white dudes for Harris why now why does it have to be just just say people that are because when race gets into it it
00:24:03
just feels divisive like I don't even know if they should bring up a race at all she's a great candidate and there's
00:24:10
Trump that's a candidate so let's talk about issues that it there never fails to go back to race and this and then
00:24:16
everyone steps in it and everyone says the wrong thing and it's just very why would you say white man it's just it it
00:24:23
feels I know condescending it feels like the 90s are calling or something I mean
00:24:28
you know we had a black president named Barack Obama Superstar the most popular ex-president
00:24:35
in the world right now and um I don't know I feel like it's kind of rude
00:24:41
because after a while like they say oh when I used do the sitcom they go we have this director that but at a certain
00:24:48
point everyone drops saying okay we have a black director this week we have a female director it's like we have a
00:24:54
director and I think it's condescending to keep bringing up race because it's like can you
00:25:00
believe they got this far you go that sounds so rude you say hey they're great they did a great J people I admire I
00:25:08
think that might have been slightly tongue and cheek I'm not sure what the joke was because Jeff Bridges and Mark
00:25:14
HL and people were doing it and and Jeff Bridges who I adore you know they asked him about it and he's just like well I'm
00:25:22
you know I just figure it'd be kind of a you know sort of a joke thing you know people took it seriously but I hold on a
00:25:31
second I need to could I get a hogy yeah where where is he filming this in a
00:25:38
saloon well no the guy is our one of the greatest living actor he's a [ __ ]
00:25:43
stud but he he does True Grit the makeover and he does it brilliant he the first time Jeff Bridges became full full
00:25:50
cowboy and he short always sounded like he just had too much to eat and kind of right down here and then he does the
00:25:57
Press junk it and they go Mr Bridges how did you find playing the cowboy and and he kept the Persona well I I enjoyed
00:26:04
making the movie very much so I'm I'm happy to do another one and then from
00:26:09
then on you know that's what I said you're either a cowboy or a pirate he was a cowboy yeah he's a studly yeah
00:26:15
he's a stud dude they had they had Pete booty judge on there too they had a lot of people yeah and Mark H what is the
00:26:22
theme they just talk about Kamala great right that she's great but it's not a white thing that I mean just picture of
00:26:27
trump had a white we're going to have a big white Zoom call of all white people be like that doesn't hit the ear right
00:26:34
it should never hits the ear I got you I got you we we want America you know I'm going on limp to come together not be so
00:26:41
divisive that's our dream that's our dream we I'll start singing pretty soon I don't know if I could dream all right
00:26:48
what's the next dumb thing we're talking about I'm running out of winners no there's something coming up we'll throw
00:26:54
it up here what do we got any funny videos any okay the amount of money Oh I thought You' think this is interesting
00:27:00
the amount of money Olympic athletes earn by winning a medal based on their country okay what's the first one France
00:27:09
a gold gets you 71 this is for the actual athlete right yeah oh so there 71
00:27:15
I thought it would all be the same I didn't know you get money did you have you don't well it was for years it was amateur athletes and then the rules have
00:27:22
been changed but I didn't know they're getting actual payment you know yeah that's like an incentive from the country so so okay what that's that
00:27:29
sounds good let's say 71 for gold 16 for bronze o now let's go to ca Cameroon no
00:27:36
let's see what's next Singapore 700,000 wow for a
00:27:43
Goldie 737,000 that is that USD good question
00:27:49
um or is that in mock mck n click which is our currency M LX I've
00:27:55
got some USD in my pants anyway Spain uh Spain is 100 Grand fine I'll accept it
00:28:03
anything in your pants is funny at the end okay USA how you doing in your pants
00:28:08
uh wow USA is cheap by the way where's all that Ukraine money going it's not
00:28:13
going to the [ __ ] medals payoffs Jesus I'm surprised we're doing as well as we are that's cuz we're
00:28:21
out 37 grand for a gold get [ __ ] oh
00:28:27
okay 97,000 you like like a golden M pepper boy Germany
00:28:36
on we pay you tiny little bits on money
00:28:41
is that worse that's worse than you that's the worst one Heather yeah okay 21 Grand for gold and a roll of quarters
00:28:48
for bronze okay Taiwan they should be spending that on arms defense against the eventual
00:28:55
Chinese invasion uh yen is this really a good use of your
00:29:02
Yen because you may have an invasion soon you might want to invest in some kind of Submarine Oh by way Norway is
00:29:08
getting hey Johnny Norway's getting rat [ __ ] wait a minute I'm half Norwegian
00:29:14
what the [ __ ] half cheap skate you get no money you do it for the country no
00:29:19
wonder I always buy it koi by the way the best distance run in the world is Norwegian Ina britson he's a machine oh
00:29:26
bless you yeah Inger bitson in my
00:29:32
pants doesn't even make sense no I went for the camera okay wait um okay next one I
00:29:40
thought I had a running joke I don't this is they're checking for injuries um getting medical attention
00:29:49
ready okay that's your right ball is that am I grabbing your right nut yeah but it's actually my shoulder that hurts
00:29:58
what country is that guy from I want to know how much he might get paid to have someone groping him dude who's getting a
00:30:04
hand job during the timeouts I mean she's literally like don't grab the
00:30:09
nards that hard you see what she's doing well he looked like he was injured and she had her hand down there and
00:30:15
apparently there is a shot I don't know if we have it of them having cocktails later at the olypic what happened to
00:30:20
cocktails before well I don't know what event he was in but whatever it was it involved
00:30:26
some I there's a rumor that guy action is Mormon so I think it's the
00:30:32
next step is soaking I don't know if she goes should we go soak in
00:30:38
the um cold plunge and warm it up [Music]
00:30:43
pool the show Just Got Sexy yeah she should pull like swimmer
00:30:51
outside and grab his monster dingdong go ahead okay here's how oh this is this is
00:30:56
too bad I don't I don't know if this the Olympics but basketball jokes this is kind of balls basketball players here's
00:31:03
a friendship was born okay we'll watch play out so they're talking should we do it come on bro they're thinking about it
00:31:10
going F it I like is that Godfather music pretty close they're going to take
00:31:18
they tell the guy take a picture of us with our jerseys are you sure why is it
00:31:25
weird people take pictures with jerseys and they're switching jerseys okay this
00:31:34
guy's oh I got okay okay okay they switched jerseys you see what it said
00:31:41
Heather black and white close what did it
00:31:46
say it said black dick one guy's last name was Dick oh I and one guy's last
00:31:53
name was black so they switched it and you can do the math anyway that was kind
00:31:58
of ballsy to do during a game to the cameras and not think you're going to
00:32:03
get in trouble uh yeah I I don't know if they're from countries that pay very
00:32:09
much but they're not taking the Olympics very seriously I don't even know if that's the Olympics to be quite honest I know our show is a scam but you know I
00:32:15
hope they weren't too hard on them Christ sakes you got time to swamp jerseys for a pithy rejoiner I you don't
00:32:23
think you're going to be on the podium anytime soon you're spending time undressing and dressing when you should
00:32:30
be warming up in the pith pit okay you know what you're going to be doing you're going to be diving in picking up
00:32:36
swim caps they designated swim cap catch okay
00:32:43
that's a that's a CL rejoiner if I Wasing the swimmers are like why is
00:32:50
there so many poops in the actual pool I think someone made a break for it we may
00:32:55
we may be setting a record for poop references definitely in the top 10 yeah you look like Troy
00:33:01
donu going back to the 50 look at how wavy it is it looks like I got a solid floby commercial going yeah I don't know
00:33:08
where you got all that hair but make sure you put it in the drawer nice and tight when you put it back in the drawer
00:33:14
at night yeah lock it up wherever you got it you know this side's a uh like a
00:33:21
too high that corner I'll fix it uh not today not now not when I'm going on
00:33:26
camera I'll do it later one day the entire show is going to be about what we do to our hair to look like this okay
00:33:32
what's the next one all right here we go Americans be having I don't like when
00:33:38
they talk like this be having this in their movies and only eat one grape that
00:33:44
is kind of funny like this is the breakfast table when there it's like a sitcom or like a a movie and the kid
00:33:49
walks out honey we have to talk about the dance and he's like Bye Mom got a run grabs one grape and she's like but I
00:33:56
made food for 30 yeah it's muffins It's eggs it's waffles
00:34:01
it's chicken it's bacon it's like 44 croissants a bowl of fried chicken 18
00:34:08
orange juice that's so funny that is true that's funny in movies they get a little carried away you know movie
00:34:14
everybody has their Department the people in charge of dressing up The Breakfast Table always overdo it except
00:34:20
the director to Tamp that down but the director is too busy stuffing his face by the way I got caught the other day
00:34:26
cuz I was trying to use my new phrase that I think is funny and it kind of Applied but I had to meet this dude
00:34:32
about a movie and uh and there was no agents or anything I
00:34:37
go I'll just meet him by myself and then I'm like God when have I had it's just so hard to meet someone in person by
00:34:43
yourself that you don't know and you got to talk for an hour and have lunch and I go oh I raw dogged it with this dude
00:34:49
today just nothing phone down no distractions just no people to help and
00:34:55
jump in just and they're like you raw dogged it with a dude today and I'm like yeah let me just I'm going to
00:35:02
rephrase I'm using raw dog too much I uh I just had a meeting by myself it's a
00:35:07
catch all yeah because raw dog means just Bare Bones you just go and have a meeting you don't have the help of
00:35:14
anything but when you say it's with a guy it sounds dirty even even if it's yeah a guy two guys meeting in a
00:35:21
restaurant right do you know in the Soviet Union I was told that people always get a third if they want if they
00:35:27
want to drink Vodka they always two guys they always go let's find a third because what because it looks like third
00:35:34
makes the conversation that much easier you know oh but the only thing you can do in that situation is ask questions
00:35:41
because people like to talk about themselves I do I go what do you think about me what kind of movie deal have
00:35:46
you got for me and what's about what am I getting how much money will you pay me I said you talk I listen if I get up and
00:35:53
leave at any time during this meeting it's not going well it's never A Downing
00:35:58
downside to get it get up in someone's grill a little bit in that situation and go what you gonna do magic man what you
00:36:05
got I do I do good in meetings that are important I go you got 10 seconds go and
00:36:10
they go what and I go nine eight and they're like here's a million dollars do
00:36:17
you ever did you ever start with hey you know who I am man do you know who I am there go I hope so I'm [ __ ] Joe Dirt
00:36:24
that's who you're having lunch with Joe [ __ ] dirt oh yeah dear you ever see
00:36:29
the the world wrong Missy the world wrong Missy Danny you're
00:36:34
going to get this right one time well I know it's we I know it's the wrong Missy but I call it the world Missy for about
00:36:41
20 28 episodes I call it the world Missy you know Bobby Lee brought me up last
00:36:47
night at The Improv and he brought up that he is uh that he starred in the
00:36:52
wrong Missy with me with one line at the desk and he did and we always make fun
00:36:57
of it he he had one line and he kept screwing it up which was even funnier uh anyway okay next next
00:37:06
subjects I don't know we have another video It's called friend test oh let's see what this friend test is I don't
00:37:12
even know what this is it's actually a test to find out if your friends actually like you so recently
00:37:18
psychologist did a study and they found that on average 50% of your friends actually hate you and they don't like
00:37:23
you at all but there's a test to find out which of your friends hat you have to do is text any of your friends three
00:37:29
words friends friends friends and what this will do is when they receive it it'll leave an impression in their mind and then you send another text to them
00:37:35
and ask them pick a number between one and 10 I pick a number between one and 10 That's So Random okay so depending on the number they send you they don't even
00:37:42
know this is happening but psychologically they're actually rating your friendship on a scale of 1 to 10 it's a psychological technique that
00:37:48
psychologists use so if they text you a number below seven that means they really don't like you and you probably shouldn't be their friend but if they
00:37:54
give you a number closer to 10 that means they really your and hypothetically this nice try nice try
00:38:02
that guy's voice was a [ __ ] assault um yeah now Dana I texted you a one yesterday for some reason and just don't
00:38:08
take that wrong yeah I texted you still still besties forever and then I
00:38:15
immediately regretted the text I was like why that's so corny no I like it I
00:38:20
shouldn't I shouldn't have press send I myself F FF that means I don't know what
00:38:28
yeah that's weird who would you rescue on a desert island me or Adam Sandler oh do not make me do
00:38:37
this I don't need a
00:38:43
resue I hope they rest I hope they get me a not are
00:38:49
you you can sing when you do that give me some coconuts I can make a not so
00:38:54
tasty stew ah I want a crab a cakes oh you didn't rhyme with stew well
00:39:02
but crab cakes wait going be I din know crabcakes again crab cakes oh crab a I have a
00:39:10
picture of us Dana from you doing Tony Montana on lights out do you Heather gave me a present you
00:39:17
oneing it's trending in my room because in my off bunch of pictures okay here we
00:39:23
go okay here we go they're pushing us along [Music]
00:39:34
oh this is on the podcast we have Joe Elliot and we should have put I'm gonna
00:39:39
rag on the podcast we didn't put on fly on the wall Joe Elliot from De leopard
00:39:44
so we just have a picture and saying listen to Joe Elliott this week but I don't know if everyone knows he's from
00:39:49
De leopard no de leopard yeah for sure so he told a story if you go over and listen to that of how I ran in him
00:39:56
somewhere I had worn a jod dirt t-shirt in no a de
00:40:01
t-shirt in Jo dirt and then blah blah and then we talked about that and then I was with Chris Rock and Kid Rock and
00:40:09
Justin Timberlake do you remember what bar he said Heather you do not okay and so he said and then he just
00:40:16
hit us up later and said I think I have a picture from that night look at me with a fedora why would I even show this
00:40:22
picture it was shot through a [ __ ] shower curtain or a piece of soap what it's a blurry mess it's the worst
00:40:29
picture ever Tak camera from the 70s this was shot through a [ __ ] wall
00:40:37
well before iPhones before iPhones Jesus of course it was like one of those
00:40:43
throwaway cameras it's green you know this is clearly a CIA photo somehow you
00:40:49
guys clear from Unsolved Mysteries and then they were last seen at a bar
00:40:54
together Spade was wearing his favorite Dora and no one understood why he wore it well it was kind of embarrassing
00:41:01
during the podcast when Jo goes yeah we did meet and you're like uh what I know
00:41:07
why wouldn't I remember that but I think I do remember meeting him I just didn't know it was a whole Shenanigans of going
00:41:13
to a karaoke you had a couple little Pops I had a few knocks I'm a little bit of a boozy Suzy by the way just quick
00:41:20
insert did you see the Secret Service Guy The News Leader of the Secret Service being you know interviewed by
00:41:29
grilled by Congress God so funny se he didn't whatever I saw he didn't answer much that's was so funny I mean they're
00:41:37
there it's been three weeks it's like they don't have any information and they've got that John Kennedy guy
00:41:42
Senator John Kennedy now what I'd like to understand
00:41:48
something he goes so slow just a a basic question why did you not have Secret
00:41:55
Service people on the roof where the shooter was the guy's like well we're
00:42:00
going to look into that and we don't really uh we're going to we got we're
00:42:06
we're we're comprehensively studying do you have any idea how stupid you sound
00:42:13
right now oh a normal person might think if I was going to shoot the president I
00:42:20
would climb up on the nearest shed now that's exactly what he did and
00:42:26
we all thought of that except you well uh Senator we decided to put the Secret
00:42:32
Service Personnel inside the shed so let me get this straight you put the secret
00:42:39
it's a little Ross Pro coming in yeah you put the Secret Service guys inside the shed did you also I understand set
00:42:47
up a buet for them well yes you put it where the shed where there's a wall that
00:42:54
you can't shoot through so let me roof is where you can do lots of shooting so
00:43:00
they were in the shed serving themselves macaroni and cheese and spare ribs while
00:43:07
the young man climbed on top of the shed and took aim at the former president is
00:43:12
that right uh well we're going to study that either was macaroni and cheese we don't know if there were actual soft
00:43:17
drinks we found shrapnel of Co SL all
00:43:23
around the [ __ ] now this sounds dumber than and a three peckered billy goat
00:43:29
yeah I have to tell you you haven't answered one gosh damn question yeah all
00:43:35
we found instead of shells was cro dads that had been roasted in honey butter
00:43:43
sauce sir do you know what a shm shrimp ball is while your agents were having shrimp
00:43:50
balls and honey roasted C dads someone was on the roof doing a slow crawl with
00:43:57
a loaded weapon is that correct well we're going to study it we don't know and we we'll find out something guess
00:44:03
what [ __ ] you you fired did you really assign the Secret Service to go out and
00:44:11
get more Co slot and some funon so they had Pringles at the exact
00:44:19
time of the Gunning down the president pulled the trigger they were pulling
00:44:24
their finger around two Pringles at a time and that leaf that canister of
00:44:31
Pringles was gone before the shooting was over is that correct uh we do believe the Pringles were emptied at the
00:44:37
same time the rifle was emptied sir interesting I think it's funny how long
00:44:45
we've stayed with this bit yeah this bit feels like it's over and it's still going it's just if we could get Jeff
00:44:53
Foxworthy on the line and Ross perau and have a baby and have him interrogate the
00:45:01
secret and then evaporate all the jokes out of it and it would be this B now let
00:45:07
me I'm just let me check my notes here you can't put a porcupine in a barn yeah
00:45:14
light it on fire and expect to make licorice I don't think you're going to
00:45:20
get a job sucking farts out of dead chickens after this my opinion
00:45:29
you will never be fully employed swallowing Tad
00:45:36
poles that have been basted in a buttercream barbecue
00:45:41
sauce anyway before we go what is the uh product code on that barbecue place
00:45:49
because I want to order something can you give me a definition of a assassination attemp do you have
00:45:56
that information on your person do you understand that guns are involved in an assassination so if you see some Joe
00:46:03
Dirt looking [ __ ] walking out with a rifle you might want to put a dog ear or put a pen in him and say check
00:46:10
this guy out maybe Frisk him yeah you have got to pat down all
00:46:19
the carnival gos now I understand you had 40,000 people in that Carnival and
00:46:25
they all were p down except one individual is that correct is that what
00:46:32
when you're on a rooftop 60 ft up and everyone on the ground is saying that
00:46:37
guy's got a gun is that your first clue that you might want to start pulling
00:46:42
back the hammer and shooting away if you see a tank a military tank
00:46:51
come into an event and start firing shells towards the speaker would that be
00:46:58
a good thing or a bad thing sir your time is up I got one more someone needs
00:47:04
to stop us okay what what else can we do is it almost over we have one more bit 49 okay one
00:47:11
more bit what do we got anything good on there then I got some athletic shorts
00:47:16
here's big fart that was a short and gassy one do you want to hear another
00:47:24
one I don't even know how to continue this after that what the [ __ ] it's
00:47:30
Alexa what is going on Alexa St by the way okie dokie she's trying to
00:47:39
do like a Tik Tok and Alexa keeps I think she's playing it very real
00:47:45
if it's real she's playing it very good yeah I wonder it was pre-recorded I
00:47:51
mean at first it did sound like Alexis
00:47:57
can you make Alexis make sounds like that yeah because but also sometimes talking it
00:48:05
sounds like I say hey Siri and then it answers something when I'm in the middle of conversation like it just did it heard me say Siri but if
00:48:12
you say if you're just talking and say the wrong thing Alexa goes oh you want to hear some gross farts that's why
00:48:20
would Alexa even think of that and go along with it well you know they have Alexa and
00:48:26
it's been a while they have um fexa which is a different one that makes
00:48:31
sounds yeah we found something here there we go we found something yeah fexa is maybe not as comprehensive but makes
00:48:38
party sounds or whatever you want fex to say yeah Alexa I need a machine gun
00:48:46
fart thank you fart XA windy pop windy Pop um windy pop for me windy pop what's
00:48:55
that one a fart that's a I used to be able to do a great
00:49:02
one and what what's wrong with it now that one's not good n that's too typical it's too
00:49:09
commercial uh okay is that the last one or should we get off because we have a
00:49:14
big should we end on that clanker probably or should we do more
00:49:19
southern guy we just do it during the credits credits roll we're still talking if a B2
00:49:26
bomber is go coming down 100 feet over the carnival headed toward the stage
00:49:33
would you consider that a threat would you stop and Fisk it what Fisk it after
00:49:39
you had your bisket Bo I stayed on the buffet theme
00:49:45
yeah well I do like the way you hit Fisk FIS a added syllables let's just end
00:49:53
with that we're killing this is funny okay thanks Dana than
00:49:58
remember smash that subscribe button man I guess it's good for us that's what everybody does it it's all the rage oh
00:50:06
yeah I added a date my Denver show that we're filming for whatever and so come out
00:50:13
Denver of your Denver show what is it Heather it's October 12th maybe is it I
00:50:21
have all my tour dates on David spade.com October 11th we added but we're going back we're hitting Boise
00:50:27
we're hitting uh some big cities Seattle so I'll be out next month but uh thanks everybody for listening and we will talk
00:50:35
soon okay bye Dana goodbye everybody goodbye this has been a presentation of
00:50:42
Odyssey Superfly is executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade Jenna
00:50:47
Weiss Burman of Odyssey Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman hope you liked it
00:50:54
[Music]
