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Welcome to the podcast everybody. Welcome to my my humble podcast.
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I want I want this idea to go for at least 10 episodes. Yeah, I know. I I'm running with it.
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I love being a guest because I don't have to do any prep. Everything is on you. No offense or nothing.
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Then if we talk over, I go, Dana, this is Let me talk. I'm the host. Let's remember whose show this is.
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Yeah, that's a good thing. I'll say that more. I looked a little pale yesterday. Not yesterday, but on the show.
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Pale the last show. Yeah. I'm trying to This is funny. I'm in the black room and you're in the white. It's hysterical.
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But I have little little fellas around. I like it. I'm Listen, we're different. I, you know, I can't tell. Like if I
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look at clips, I look like I'm all washed out just like crazy. And then I'll look at other things. Oh, not too
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bad. So now I'm clo, you know, I'm in a room and I have two windows with
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curtains. So I'm closing them more. So, I kind of I kind of match you, but I I don't have the
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the pitch black. It's like you are in a witness protection program. I think I'm gonna have to switch it next
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time and try dark gray. One of the walls is dark gray. This room is so big. I have 19 walls.
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I know. It's hard to explain. And 31 bedrooms. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. I don't care.
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Five pantries. I don't I wouldn't tell anyone that. Well, I remember when I came over once and I said, "You know what? I God, I
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just didn't get in my run this morning." You said just just go upstairs. So I ran
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for about 45 minutes and I kept seeing new new bedrooms. You were still in one pantry.
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I ran four miles. I was still on your property. I have a safe pantry where I go in there with a big where I can stay if there's a
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crook in my house. I know. And chocolate bars all around the house.
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Oh, I will tell you what happened in my house. I was going to tell you last time I was getting in my shower. This might seem like a nothing story. It's not.
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It's any story is important. Go. It's important. You know this. So, I'm
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getting in my shower and there's a fly made it all the way upstairs.
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One and he's in in my bathroom. I don't like it. I don't really care. I don't like it, though. So, I go up my shower. Now,
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he's in the shower. What to do? So, I have a little washcloth
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that uh I just had one in my hand cuz I was a little nervous. I wasn't thinking. I was holding it. So I kind of behind my
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back went like that and I I grazed him. So he kind of spins out and he goes to
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the wall like kind of high and he's and he's kind of like this and I'm like, "Oh my god,
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he felt that." Like it didn't knock him out, but I could tell he was a little disoriented. Yeah. He took a knee basically. He
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really took a knee and I think I don't know if they have solar plexes, but that's probably where I hit him. M.
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And I go, "We got a fly on the wall over here." So anyway, he's up there. He's like this. And then I'm like, I'm looking. I'm like, "Are you okay, dude?"
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And he's like this. I'm like, you don't even know what I'm saying. He doesn't know what I'm saying. It's not comprehending. He's like, "Are you?"
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Yeah. So I go, "Oh, shit." And he's like, "No, no, it's cool. I was heading over here anyway." I go, "No, you
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weren't. You were going over by the shampoos, but fine. I'll let you say that." And then I thought I was like,
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"Oh my god, what if I really tried?" I wasn't I was half speed. I was just like
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that. What if I tried to hit him? He doesn't even know what's going on because I'd whip his ass because
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what if I was like, "You want me to wind up? You don't want me to wind up because if I wind up and hit him?"
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Done. You're You're much bigger. You're just a lot bigger than the fly.
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Yeah. And so he's there and then I said, "You know what? You're not like if you
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were a ref you'd be like this." So I go, "You're grounded from flying. So why don't you walk down the wall and then
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lay down. Take a nap. You're not going to fly. No more flying today.
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What a shower. You know, what a sh." And he saw me naked, too. And I'm like, "And we're going to shut
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up about that part." Oh, they love that. You know, in Singapore, okay, just looking this up.
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Singapore, they have literal fly fights. So they train flies almost like pit
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bulls or something to fight each other and they always it's their de facto
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weight class is flyweight. That's pretty good. Yeah. I you know I took a shower and I
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bump I like how you lifted your phone for that. I bumped my head on the shower nozzle.
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Yeah. And then I was like, "Okay, you weren't there last time I showered. So,
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hey, nozzle, if you're going to move around, we're going to have we're going to have a problem,
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you know." So, your nozzle's moving around now. Well, I just like the idea that I like that that you blame the nozzle.
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Yeah, cuz I How do I top blaming an organic creature? But I'll tell you what I do do, and this is no joke. Not
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getting around here. It's no joke. Let me get a pro. Yeah, I got to do I'll do it for you while you're going. It's no joke. Yes, I do.
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It's no joke, folks. No joke. No, I'm not getting around here. I did it while you were gone.
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I don't know if you could tell, but what I do do, and it's a little bit like you, like there's a fly in the house.
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I don't look at it. I try to act nonchalant as I go by it. Like, they
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don't see any move cuz somehow their little brains can sort of tell if you're getting ready. So, you're not you're not
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reacting at all. And then, yeah, it's like that. Oh, yeah. I do that. Well, kind of what
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you implied you were doing is backing away and then plack, you know. Yeah, but mine was really unplanned. But
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I do what you do. I plan it. Like I go, "Oh, I'm just going to chop this celery. I don't care if there's a fly. I don't
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even notice you." And then I make a swing and I always miss. And he goes, "You [ __ ] idiot. You thought you
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thought you could get me with that bullshit?" I'm like, I did think that.
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My nozzle was talking to me like that, too. No, we we dealt with flies for years and all this stuff and then we got
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a screen door. But anyway, it doesn't matter. My mom doesn't know why she has so many flies and she's got
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m I mean, she always has food now. She has a lot of nice food out. She always wants us all to eat at all times. Oh,
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eat, eat. You're going to blow away. But then the doors are all open and she
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has the AC on 41 and it's 116 out. And I go, "Mom, you
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have to shut something cuz you don't like cold air in your face. I'm news flash." Well, you know this. I don't know. I do
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not. And then when I'm on the plane, it's like I don't love that. And then if this
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person's is on me, I'm like, "Excuse me. There's any way you could bend it back
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towards you." But that was a good one. By the way, I just saw Woody Allen on our friend Bill
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Maher. Oh, Bill. Club Billy. Random, you know. Sure. Because uh you
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know, it's a club, but it's a basically just a bedroom. You know, you're calling a clubhouse, you know.
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It's very quite random in I don't want to be pedantic. I don't mean to be didactic or
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facicious. I don't want to be anything that ends with that.
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Andre Preven, a wonderful guy. Well, how'd you think the show? No. No. You're a wonderful podcast host. You
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know, you You're you're very informative and you're you're asking questions that
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maybe two people in Nebraska care about. Like the smell of weed, I thought it was
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in Whiz Khalifa's chimney. Yeah. You by the time the fourth cartail
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came, I I I felt you were speaking a foreign language of some type. Or maybe some alien came down and taught you how
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to speak. But by the fourth Tom Collins, you know, I thought I was in a professional show. I'm in a treehouse. No, you're a
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wonderful, you know, the thing. Beautiful, intelligent woman.
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I've seen uh I've seen one television show in the last 19 years. You know,
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it's just I'm reading War in Peace for this 11th time. Yeah. Bill's like, "Have you seen Alien
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Earth yet? How many episodes?" He's like, "What's Hulu?"
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Hulu hoop. Watch this doubt Abby. Everybody's talking about he's right behind. There's
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only one Woody Allen. He's like, "But I do love Love Love Island UK."
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I know. I wanted to be there because everyone I wanted to ask him about Midnight in Paris because I'm just a
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psycho fan of that. And I've heard a little birdie told me that uh PT Paul
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Thomas Anderson is also a huge fan of that particular movie. And the reason I
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love it is because our our friend Owen Wilson is the perfect surrogate.
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Woody like Woody would have played that part, but Owen has, you know, you know,
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and now I can't do him. You talk first. I got to get out of Woody. Well, well, so you're because I think a
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lot of Woody's movies he has someone sort of play a version of him, right? You know, um because now I'm doing
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Woody. This is Are you doing a combo Owen Woody right now? No, I just wanted to do uh Owen from the movie,
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you know, GDO and it be I think it'd be great if See, I'm doing Woody now. This is a This is
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But wasn't I Owen doing a little himself trying to be a little like Woody or not?
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Maybe a little bit, but I think Owen's natural cadence and tone matched
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is reflected a little bit. It's a It's a little inside baseball on people do impressions. You do you know
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sure because you it's hard to go from there to you know Owen Wilson doing it because what I do I do this in my act. I
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go Owen Wilson tells the 2-year-old he can't have any more candy. Sorry little
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buddy. You can't have any more candy. So that's
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that's my act now folks. I'm not trying to light the world on fire. I just want
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people to get a little relief from this way. Well, because it's I like
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ridiculousness now. You know, I've got a ridiculous thing quickly. By the way, we should get PTA on. Paul
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Thomas Anderson, I would love to. He's a friend of the show. He is, you know,
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Benny's Maya's husband who I adore. Maya Rudolph love.
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He He's brilliant. I mean, he's, you know, Oh, man. If you if you ever want to see a brilliant movie, we'll put on
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Magnolia. It's like just crazy. Magnolia is the only one I have not seen. It's out there. And Boogie Nights, of
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course. And then all the other ones he's done. He just has a kubricy, you know, sort of a kubricy Woody Allen kind of
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motif going there with a with a bit of uh, you know, Donald Sutherland vibe. I
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don't know. Just punch love too with with Oh, yeah. Friend of the show, Adam. I
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love that phrase, a friend of the show. I do too. I stole it right from Lauren. Paul Simon, you want him in a sketch?
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We'll try him. He's a friend of the show now. My hair I came in nice with some
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lift. And as the show goes on, it's like it's like a It's like a bun cake that's flattened.
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Your [ __ ] cake is fallen. No, your hair is terrific. It's like a a
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reverse baking thing, you know, with Julia Child's, you know, because
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what falls what I'm not even making anymore. Something falls falls. I don't know.
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My hair is greased back today and combed. So, I was so shamed by last
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week's pale blue shirt, messy hair. Okay, here's what we're going to do. Okay, I'm going to tell you something that was
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on my phone. It's annoying. Ready? Okay, go ahead. So, you might not get this Dana because you probably don't get
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a lot of spam. Here's the spam I got today. What they do is a new trick.
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Okay, Heather knows this. They give you They want you to answer not an email,
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but a text. So, it's a phone number you don't know and it says something.
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Yeah, I get Yeah. that makes you want to answer because it could be a friend or something. So,
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today was sort of clever. It said, "Can we go over something
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quickly?" Yes. I've been getting those those type of right teasers or like I feel bad that we never
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talked about this dot dot dot. Yeah. It's those are good ones. Yep. Mhm. Because I want to write those.
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Yeah. Because it's really hooky where you go you're absent mindly. Go talked about
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what? Who is this? I don't have your number. You know, and then they got you. I don't know how they got you, but they
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got you. Don't ever click on anything. Don't Don't believe anything. I mean,
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my mom did it. She'd call him, "Oh, maybe it was something about my personal information. Let me send you a link to
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my bank account. I had a relative, my mother-in-law,
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um, who's Irish and very sincere and 90 years old at the time, I think, and she got scammed saying that,
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you know, we know this and that and can you go to Target and get
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little coupons, gift cards, and send them to her or something and then they just disappeared. So, yeah,
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everything's a scam. Maybe my wife is out for the day and she comes through the door here. I just go, "Look,
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I totally believe it's you, but could you just honey? Could you just give me your social security number? Just just just give it, you know, you know, human
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me because Sean, I can't I'm going to do what on the entire thing. I can't I can't get out of it.
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I won't get sick of it. I laugh every time. It's funny to me. Here's
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another spam text I wrote that you wrote. I wrote that I should write for them.
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Oh, got it. Go. Did you understand my last email?
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Good one. Mhm. Everyone's going to go, "What? Who is what email?"
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And now we got you by the [ __ ] short and curies. I feel bad for the way we left things
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off. Ah! Uh-oh. Here he goes. Let me let me give this let me give this setup again
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to reiterate. So my very first job in show business sitcom in New York and Rockefeller Center the Mickey Rooney
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show and I played the grandson and Nathan Lane played the roommate. We had Scatman Kathers and Meg Ryan. It lasted
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13 weeks whatever. And Mickey was the most eccentric person I'd ever met. My first job I
00:14:40
thought it was he was just a normal guy. He had a 38 revolver and he would wave it around. They're not going to get me.
00:14:46
Who Mickey? Who? you know, well, if anybody in New York City tries to plug me, I'll plug them right back. And I've
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done this probably before, but he said this many times a day about his career from the in the uh 1930s. I was the
00:15:02
number one star in the world. Hear me? Bang.
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The world. That wasn't my best. The world. So anyway, so over the years,
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people go, "Oh, is it an exaggeration?" John Malany. Oh, you're lying. John Melany will would pay me cash
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dollars to do it for him. So, it's sort So, Dennis Miller, our buddy, sent us this and it's a video of Mickey Rooney
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doing an acting class and it's all very Mickey. You'll see. This is Mickey.
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Now, I tell you what I want to do. You're not going to get into this thing unless I let you in.
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The word act AC act. And I'm Mickey Roie. Do you know how important you are?
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Hello, honey. Thanks, man. Glad you're all dressed up. Yeah. Going out tonight.
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Um, I think I'm just going to like go out with my friends. Not the same friends that I uh I've been
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seeing you with lately. I can make my own decisions. Just treat a little girl. She's good.
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Do you know why I do that? You know why? Cuz I am. Cuz you are.
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Make make a little familiar. I love you too, honey. That's why I I'm careful about you.
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You were excellent, my sweet hated her ass 30. You were excellent. Did you canote kiss
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her hand? Did you denote more? Hey, my
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read one book every two months. Okay. Well, it'll be six books a year because you
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want this to be fertile. Fertile.
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Hi, honey. Hi, dear. Hi, honey. I saw my legs off. Did you work hard?
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Imagine spending in a room with this guy. A lot of people would think hypocritical
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about this. What is this? An underactction class? I don't know. To to be I didn't know it was this long.
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And you're going I love it. I know. Turtleneck. Maroon turtleneck. No less.
00:17:03
Every chick is four feet. So that is no exaggeration. He is four feet tall. He would he would announce
00:17:10
himself as a fire plug. They try to get me this fire plug will throw him over the front of an old mobile,
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you know, scream, you know, Judy Garland never owned a car.
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What do you mean, Mickey? Cuz they pumped her so full of drugs they killed her. He would talk till
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then he'd well up. Well, he would talk until he ran out of breath, you know.
00:17:38
for your edification. I think they should call senior citizens
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more experienced people cuz they are more just he was an exploding insane man
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and uh he made me he he tried to coach me in a scene. We were in a rehearsal
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hall. I was just would come out and I'd say good morning Mrs. Green. He got up. No, you got to be natural. You see? Good
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morning, Mrs. Green. We did it for two hours. I've seen it's no one would care.
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Nothing would matter. Just good morning, Mr. Green. Be natural. Be natural. But by the end, we were friends because I
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would do Jimmy Stewart. He loved that I could do Jimmy Stewart. Come here, Dana. Sit on my lap.
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I knew Jimmy Stewart. I got him his first job in the business. Everything
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was grandiosity and I'm the one that told him to do
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Wonderful Life. He thought it was dog [ __ ] And then he was in a my parents
00:18:35
worshiped him first day of shooting. There's a a magazine cover of Farah Fhauet and I don't know what he meant
00:18:42
but he put it on his crotch and said I like to stick it in brown.
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I think I know. I don't. So my parents my parents said how is Mickey Rudy? He's a delight. I go
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he is a delight mom. It's a lot of innuendo. So that's my Mickey Rooney story.
00:19:00
I love that and I like the video. Uh, well, we can get into videos then
00:19:05
and news. Um, one news story that I'm jumping around is we'll start with this one.
00:19:11
Okay. Oh, is this about Okay. One story I thought was interesting. You love basketball. This Kawhi Leonard story is
00:19:18
very interesting. Even if you're not into basketball, the quick story and then we'll play this.
00:19:23
They were looking for ways to pay him secretly. And this must happen all the time. So
00:19:30
Steve Balmer from the Clippers, oh starts a he has like a tree planting
00:19:36
company and they pay Kawaii 28 million to be like a spokesman but he doesn't have to
00:19:42
do anything. Now spokesman could if he posted once on Instagram he could have an argument like oh that's what I'm
00:19:49
supposed to do is get the word out on trees or but here we'll hear a little bit about on this one. I think I clarify my
00:19:54
what we know is that NBA executives were suspicious of how Steve Balmer's Clippers landed the most valuable free
00:19:59
agent on the market, Kawhi Leonard, that the NBA did not find that Balmer got
00:20:05
Kawhai by sweetening their offer. Mhm. But also that in March 2025, this
00:20:10
celebrity endorsed multi-billion dollar allegedly fraudulent tree brokerage
00:20:16
named Aspiration, which promises to clear your conscience and your emissions, they file for bankruptcy. And
00:20:22
this is where the clue is. What David's looking at with his glasses on is a bankruptcy filing and is a list of
00:20:27
creditors, the entities to which Aspiration in all of their alleged fraudulence still owes the most money.
00:20:35
And what I noticed is what David is noticing right now, which is that on that list of creditors up near the top
00:20:40
above the Boston Red Sox is an LLC. Tiny little company that Aspiration owes
00:20:47
$7 million. And that LLC's name, David, is what?
00:20:53
KL2 Aspire. Oh, you got to change it a little bit. And what does it list there under
00:20:59
manager or member name? Kawhi Leonard, whose NBA jersey number, just to connect
00:21:06
all the dots, happens to be what? Number two.
00:21:11
So then the question is part of KL2 Aspire LLC, right? because
00:21:17
okay, he's getting all this money, millions of dollars. What I started doing was scour the internet for any
00:21:23
mentions of Aspiration, any appearances, tweets, quotes, Instagram posts, not really busting his home.
00:21:29
Like Kawhi Leonard endorsing Aspiration. Yeah. And this was hard to find,
00:21:35
which also might seem weird, right? because every other celebrity aspiration the whole listed thing and I don't know
00:21:42
if they said that right up top but it's pretty long was a way the salary cap they have the salary cap and and for NBA
00:21:49
teams to try to keep it even so there's only so much you can pay all your players and this is a way to get Kawei
00:21:56
who's an incredible player more money without it being part of his direct salary right and that's this guy
00:22:02
discovered it right but it must this must happen right and left I mean People are going to
00:22:08
teams and they can't go over the cap. So they're like, "Well, sweeten it. He loves being here. He wants to play with
00:22:13
Paul George or whoever, you know, and then they go, oh, that's surprising, but yeah, he has family there." And then you
00:22:19
find out he gets a cute 28 million on the side. Uh, which is great.
00:22:24
It's a little sneaky. I mean, one is this is that I know Steve Balmer. I did a Microsoft event where I was doing
00:22:30
Carson and I was interviewing Bill Gates. Um, and then Balmer got up and gave a
00:22:36
speech and he was like a fire brand. He's high energy 20,000 people and Microsoft it's like a
00:22:42
cult we will and then he started to sweat like just intensely armpit sweat.
00:22:49
So when he ended I said I have three words for you aid extra dry and it
00:22:55
brought down the house. Good night everybody. He's our Mickey Rooney. But I think this could get him in trouble
00:23:01
because this is like a fraud situation, right? This is breaking the rules of the
00:23:06
NBA. I don't know if there's other levels of legality, but in the legal world, which I don't know who started
00:23:13
it, Michael Jordan probably, and some before him, but Jordan really took off where you take your show, your
00:23:20
basketball money, and you invest in other things. And so when Kaiway is that
00:23:26
why when no Kevin Durant was in with the Warriors, he was always spending time in Silicon Valley with angel investors and
00:23:33
he got very very very wealthy that way using his salary to go well it helps when you start with 80
00:23:40
million to invest. Yeah. Uh okay we won't some people like enough
00:23:46
sports that was more of a business story. I have a couple little just observations I can insert here.
00:23:53
One was I thought it was interesting, you know, the these these hearings all the time. So, they had a hearing where
00:23:59
they're grilling um Robert Kennedy Jr. and the the guy at the end's going and
00:24:05
you're not doing the right thing and uh I I haven't been able to get a hold of
00:24:10
you and I have no way of we haven't talked in months and nothing. And Bobby
00:24:16
Kenny Jr. very calmly just said, "Well, Senator, I remember our conversation
00:24:21
very well, and I gave you my cell phone number eight months ago and said, "Call
00:24:27
me anytime." And the guy just got redfaced and go, "Well, your staff never reached out.
00:24:38
I like it. I thought it was John Kennedy you're talking about." Oh, well I I will
00:24:43
within his term U. Bobby Ken Jr. he will have an JFK AI that would say the exact
00:24:50
same thing. Introducing JFK AI mechanism. Three, two, one. Well, I uh
00:24:58
do remember what you told me eight months ago. I gave you my cell phone. I
00:25:03
told you you could call me anytime. I didn't say it because it was easy, because it was hard.
00:25:08
Hard. Hard. If you want to do KFK, I like it. The other thing I want your take on this. I think it's funny when
00:25:15
authoritarian leaders walk together and create a summit. So you're seeing Putin, Yei, and Yong like
00:25:22
what do they talk about? You know, I assassinated 20 people today. I mean,
00:25:30
what is the what's the connection there? I don't think it's about their fantasy football league. It should be.
00:25:38
Do you like the look in their eyes when you execute them? I don't know. But anyway, I mean, they're just like, listen, we
00:25:44
all have a commonality. We kill people. We're dictated. I mean,
00:25:49
we we get along on some levels. We're different, but we're the same. Yeah.
00:25:55
What I like most about being myself is that everyone's afraid of me, and I tell everyone to do
00:26:05
So, a billion people are afraid of you. Yes. One billion. And I love it.
00:26:13
Was Kim Jong there, my boy? That guy with his dimples. I can't stay mad at
00:26:18
that guy. So funny. He's kind of cute. He's like a little Yeah, he's he's he's like a little Disney character. He They
00:26:24
should have a Kim Jong-un. We'll do his Cut to us. Cut to us. He'll never hear this.
00:26:32
Well, like people he doesn't like. He doesn't just have people shoot him. He takes like a artillery thing like a
00:26:38
giant Oh, yeah.
00:26:44
I probably at time town square. Yeah. Oh, Tiana. They make they make a big production out
00:26:51
of some of those things. Mhm. Anyway, too dark. Let's keep going. What else? Sorry. Took us in the wrong direction.
00:26:58
Here's some stories. Oh, I thought this was funny. Yeah, this is about this is based on you. That's you in the picture. When the
00:27:04
plane makes weird sounds and you try to act cool, but your soul already left your body. Okay, play it.
00:27:20
Wait, what? It got stuck in the middle, but it goes and the kids like this
00:27:27
cuz you're trying to relax. But I You said this and it happened on my flight to Alaska where it goes
00:27:35
makes like a real whining and then it just goes away and you're like, "Does that mean we're free falling now or does
00:27:42
something stop?" It's the A320 Airbus. I'm a perfectly fine airplane, but when it takes off, it
00:27:48
sounds like a lawnmower going full blast. It feels like the plane is screaming to get up in the sky.
00:27:57
And then a minute in or so, I'm ready for it. It does a huge downshift and you
00:28:03
kind of feel like they're taking the power off is falling
00:28:08
and it sounds disappointed. [Music]
00:28:15
But you're never scared because ma man up front drive big plane. me happy.
00:28:21
No, I'm scared because I actually the the the on the way to Hawaii, the flight attendant was nice. She she gave me a
00:28:27
list of things I should she was going to the show already and she goes, "Oh, you're on the flight. I can't believe it. I'm going to make you a list of
00:28:33
things to do in Alaska." And I go, "Oh, okay." She brings me a list of maybe 200 things. And I'm like, "Well, I'm there
00:28:40
for about 30 hours." But it was all this fun stuff, you know,
00:28:47
declaw bear, go up on the town of Mount Mcushu and wrestle a rattlesnake. But I
00:28:53
did I was looking for moosees. Th those sound fun to see. I did not see
00:28:58
one. Didn't see a moose. Well, let me ask you a question. Even if you have time, there's been so many movies, you know.
00:29:05
Yeah. And where they're in the sea plane in Alaska. Hey, it's a beautiful day up
00:29:10
here. And then like and the propeller go
00:29:17
and they go down. So those are if they don't crash, it would be spectacular to take those up
00:29:23
to a lake with a sea plane and go off. But would could I get you on one if I paid for it?
00:29:29
Uh, good question. I don't I don't know. I mean, there's helicopters that do it
00:29:35
all day every day and there's no problems. But funny how you only hear about the problems.
00:29:40
That's that's the thing. And it hypnotizes you into darkness. This, right? One crash a year and suddenly
00:29:47
you're the bad guy. I mean, helicopters have a bad rep already. And then the
00:29:52
little Cessnas and I did think Alaska was great. I really wanted to just see it.
00:29:57
Yeah. And it was great to just walk around. Stunning anchorage and just see it. And then we drove around, checked out some views
00:30:06
and saw some salmon on people's plates. So that was something I would want to go up there just to see
00:30:12
the environment. Yeah. And how were the So did you play one show or more than one show? Go all the
00:30:19
way up. One show in that. That's what Steve Martin used to say.
00:30:25
Well, I'm going to finish my career and I'm going to put every fan of mine in one place in a huge stadium and do one
00:30:33
show. Goodbye. But it was fun. They were a good crowd. It rained on him and uh
00:30:39
Oh, that's right. Yeah, he rained on him. We So I actually Nice people. Yeah, let's not beat it together. Okay,
00:30:46
what's the next story? What What do we got? Got real good stuff. Let's go. Everything I ate at the poop restaurant
00:30:55
in Taiwan. Oh, I thought she was going to say tasted like poop. H Everything I ate at the poop restaurant
00:31:01
init toilet, a poop themed restaurant. You even have poops on the table and the
00:31:07
seats are toilet. It's so funny because your drinks come in different types of urinal. I ordered the urinal urinal and
00:31:12
it truly looked like pee. Mentally I couldn't drink it out of the container so I poured it. Oh, that's what finally stopped it.
00:31:18
Human beings have way too much free time. Basically a hot pot out of a toilet bowl. It felt very weird, but eventually
00:31:24
I got used to I'm an angel investor in this with Kawaii curry and it came with those super cute smiley fries and a lot of
00:31:30
sides. You eat out toilet. I love it. Looks so gross. For dessert, I got a chocolate soft serve. It looks so
00:31:36
realistic that it was really hard for me to eat it. I wasn't a big fan, but I think it was because of the visuals.
00:31:41
What is the name of this restaurant? The poop restaurant. It's Where is it? It's called uh the poop cake factory.
00:31:48
No, I don't know. Uh the only thing that might top it is just a restaurant called, you know,
00:31:55
vomit and more, you know, where everything vomit. I'm trying to think what would be worse.
00:32:02
I I see that you could make chocolate ice cream look like poop, but after that I'd have to really brainstorm.
00:32:09
Yeah, I guess you can make anything look like I like they covered something looking like pee out of a Okay, for your
00:32:18
dessert. Who wants a catheter? We got the catheter pie. Uh
00:32:26
yeah, we uh we have little stances for you. Chocolate stances. And we have a
00:32:31
thing called the bypass where it looks like we saw a rib cage, but it's all made of vanilla pudding in half.
00:32:37
Yep. Yeah. Here's the spleen splitter. It's a biscuit. Uh well, I don't think we're going
00:32:44
there. Mostly because it's too far away. It's too far away. Otherwise, we'd be there tonight. Yeah. Just to say we did.
00:32:50
Mhm. Just to do research and write it off. Okay, next one. What do we got? What we
00:32:56
got here? Oh, so these streamers, I've seen these with their hands, but not
00:33:02
with their bodies. They sell on like a QVC, but it goes so fast.
00:33:08
And this girl, it says she made $18 million in seven days. This company did
00:33:14
because she tries on dresses. Mhm. You know how they they walk out and they
00:33:20
show you a dress on QVC and they go, "This is Nora and she's this is a full
00:33:25
figure dress and it's got some ruffles." The turn around and then this is how they do it there. Go ahead.
00:33:33
I like the kick up. That was that. Oh no. Oh, is it? Okay.
00:33:41
Kicks it up with her foot. Okay.
00:33:46
always [ __ ] sticky. It's all you get for that one. Do you like it? Any questions? Too late.
00:33:57
So, she has to talk. What is this? SNL in your change booth backstage.
00:34:08
This one's a no for me, dog. Quick. Little House of the Curry. Here we go.
00:34:17
The little kick up is the best part. She's really good at the dressing. Instead of doing a jump cut where she changes like, you know, did
00:34:24
you ever You're too young for this. I don't know if Gregory would have a clip, but on the Ed Sullivan show, they had all these jugglers and variety acts. And
00:34:31
one of them was I remember as a kid they'd be dressed in something and then they would just duck behind a thing and
00:34:37
come back out within a second completely dressed in something else or just walk behind it. They're in something else.
00:34:42
Walk back there in something else. So it puts that one to shame, man. Not not a competition. Did you know what they were doing or you
00:34:50
were baffled? I could not believe how exactly it was happening. Like any good ma magic trick,
00:34:55
it was like too much for my brain. Yeah, that was like SNL that girl because you
00:35:00
know when you run off a sketch, you can't even get to the dressing room, you just go right under the bleachers and they go take everything off.
00:35:07
Yeah, I know. They Every every department's right there.
00:35:12
Makeup's ready when they go in. Yeah. First the wardrobe, then the makeup, then the wig, then the this, then they
00:35:18
push you out, then the writer's yelling at you. It's a little different at the end. Yeah. Yeah. Don't don't exit on on his
00:35:25
line. Yeah, it is not that much of an exaggeration. It has the freneticism
00:35:31
of an Indianapolis pit stop where it's just like except it's shoes and wigs.
00:35:37
And then I would always sometimes I'd say can let me Do you have a mirror? I just want to see my
00:35:42
what I changed into, you know. Oh, there I am. Yeah, that was when I was doing Do you have a mirror? I just want to
00:35:49
trim my pubes.
00:35:54
Um, David, I think you should do that ahead of time this week. It's It's slowed down. Molly Molly didn't know her
00:36:01
exit because of the Go in my office. There's a manscape in my left drawer. You can use it.
00:36:10
We've done We've done a It's been kind of a blue show in some some ways. I know. It's okay. They're ready for it.
00:36:16
Oh god. They want They want the edge and we're willing to give it to them. Okay, let's see what's next. We're doing
00:36:22
pretty good. We're almost done. I think we're doing fantastic. Okay. Okay. This is what
00:36:28
two legends. Michael Jordan, Michael Tyson. One signed autographs, the other didn't.
00:36:34
So, this is a live spontaneous scene on the street. MJ, you're the goat. MJ, can you sign please? Come on, MJ.
00:36:44
Back when Michael Jordan seemed to snub this kid asking for an autograph, social media ripped him for it. But they didn't
00:36:52
know the reason he serious wouldn't sign it until now. And it wasn't just Michael
00:36:58
saying them kids. Where's Michael Jordan? Michael Jordan. He must He must get that [ __ ]
00:37:04
everywhere. Michael, people go bananas. Michael Jordan has a lifetime exclusive
00:37:11
contract with this is what I got to do. The trading company. That means he's legally barred from signing anything
00:37:18
outside official Upper Deck events. This week, MJ made a rare public
00:37:23
appearance just to fulfill part of that deal. So MJ's not rude. He's not a jerk.
00:37:29
He's just the most protected brand in sports. Okay, jump out.
00:37:34
That Go ahead. Well, I want us to get that announcer to start our show.
00:37:39
Dana Carvey and David Spade may not seem funny, even though they're professional comedians. It's just in their contract
00:37:46
that they're supposed to be amusing but not especially funny. I'm Bob. When
00:37:52
David Spade got followed home by five weirdos, he wasn't being rude when he pulled out
00:37:59
his gun. He was protecting his house and home. I
00:38:04
know. I read the headlines. David Spade pulls out, you know, 44 Magnum on five
00:38:10
fan autograph seekers fans. David Spade tries to shoot his fan. No,
00:38:16
it was David Spade Bazooka when being No one cared about that story really. I
00:38:24
realized cuz I kept reading it except for the fact that there was a gun
00:38:29
mentioned. Uh yeah, that immediately sort of like you think a celebrity and a house or
00:38:35
anybody and then there's a gun present or a gun. I don't know. You know, uh, I
00:38:40
had a friend back in the 80s and he came to hang out and stuff or stay overnight
00:38:47
wherever I was. I think I was in LA. Really nice guy. Ward Steiner I think his name was. And he had gotten beat up
00:38:55
once like in high school. Really beat up. And so then he became the gun guy.
00:39:00
So he would have three guns he'd bring out fully loaded, super careful 44s. And
00:39:05
one time I was at the other cafe, a comedy club, late show and some rough stuff was happening and I knew that he
00:39:12
always had a a daringer in his boot and he's in the front row and I saw him reaching down and I went, "No, no, no,
00:39:18
no, no." Well, when you're getting pounded Mhm. maybe you go, "Hey, boot."
00:39:25
But I was in I was doing the church lady before SNL in the in that and I said, "Well, wouldn't be the best idea."
00:39:34
Well, keep it in the boot. Yeah, I was out with a gun. I think that story, but
00:39:40
I just maybe I shouldn't have said that that I had a gun in the house, but I have been have broken into twice. So,
00:39:47
when it's going to be you or them, nobody wants to shoot anyone. It's terrifying. It's the worst thing you could think of,
00:39:52
right? But being shot is also drink basically hardly at all and you
00:39:58
don't do any medication. So, you're completely That would be the scary thing. But yeah, to our story, I have to
00:40:05
say on the all we may have mentioned before, but Michael Jordan created quite
00:40:10
a kurfuffle and especially in terms of people wanting to design or just
00:40:16
Oh, at SNL. Yes, sorry. At SNL, nobody nobody in the time I was there ever was had that level
00:40:22
of awe and get his autograph and stuff. Do you remember they stopped the cast
00:40:28
from asking him? I It makes sense. I think you told me that. Yeah. They said all Marcy came around and said
00:40:35
nobody asked. This is it. This [ __ ] people are bringing basketballs and a bunch of [ __ ] at [ __ ] let lining
00:40:40
up in front of his dressing room. Which they were and writers and I was like I know crew guys cuz you had him trapped in his
00:40:46
rooms like hey big Mike can. But I will say I went out with this
00:40:51
unknown celebrity that was well known in the old days probably 10 years ago and
00:40:57
he gets in my Land Cruiser. We're driving somewhere and he puts a big huge bag of cola and a gun in the glove
00:41:03
compartment. I go, "You sure you want to keep it in my glove compartment?" What is he is is this a gift or what is
00:41:09
you why? And I go, "Well, we what if we get pulled over?" He goes, "Nobody's going to house you. That's all I need to
00:41:15
hear." I go, "Okay, based on nothing. No one's going to hassle you about that." I go, "Oh, no
00:41:21
one cares about a gun and a bag of coke." So, uh, that was me going, "Oh."
00:41:26
And then you know what happened? Nothing. Nobody hassles. It just became a different time. You
00:41:31
just have to assume everyone has a gun now. You know, back in the day, the like the coolest, weirdest kid in high
00:41:37
school, Brad Nichols, had beetle boots and he he carried a switchblade in the beetle
00:41:42
boots and he was Oh, were you the kick it out and it st Oh, it's the greatest, you know. But still, you can run away
00:41:48
from that. But just a 38 revolver. I don't like what you just said. You know,
00:41:53
no more road rage. Just let them let it go. No, I know. I think I think in the
00:42:00
time now I'm trying to get back on and see you again. I think the time now where I could when you're uh there's so
00:42:07
much crime and there's it's so scary that people are following you or you
00:42:13
just read every day someone else got shot, stabbed like Yeah. Yeah. It's it's going to be up to the people
00:42:18
to fight back because there's the laws are protecting more of the more of the
00:42:23
criminals. Well, no. You know, I good the good people who are really responsible that want to have a firearm to protect their
00:42:29
family and themselves. No problem. Just just not not the bad people who
00:42:34
want to hurt of strangers. I know this is a hot take, but I'm just saying. I know. But, you know, listen, let's
00:42:41
worry about the victims just for a little. Let's go back that for a little bit.
00:42:46
Okay. What else? We'll do one more. Let me see. Sure. Sure. We got nothing else to do. We got I got
00:42:53
tons to Okay. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Don't play this yet. This is an old interview show. Hope
00:42:58
it doesn't stick the whole time, but uh I don't know who this is. I thought you'd like it.
00:43:04
Yeah, it's just an old Oh, she was a Nebraska
00:43:09
celebrity interviewer 70s8s and she would just she just had a funny way of
00:43:15
saying where you would this wouldn't fly as much today. Okay, let's
00:43:20
let's let it rip this morning. You got to work with Burton, Richard Burton, The Tempest. Yes, I did.
00:43:26
And now he's dead. Do you know who his dad is? His dad. You watch Bonanza? I'm sure you watched the
00:43:32
reruns of Bonanza. Who's the sheriff on Bonanza? Bing Russell. Is he still alive? K. You've done some brilliant pictures. You've done
00:43:39
really. What happened to Heaven's Sam? What happened to Bosen Buddies? We were killed.
00:43:46
Did you see the movie Raiders of the Laws Dark? Have you seen it yet? Yes, I did. Wonderful movie.
00:43:51
Do you know that he turned down the role of India? I heard that you turned down the role that you were offered the role. I wouldn't turn it down. Do
00:43:58
you have any regrets about going into the series for Mash? No. No. They've all made a
00:44:05
little wild river. What was one of his few flops? He look He looks
00:44:10
This is incredible. In many ways, he looks evil. Can the camera come in close up? Look at these eyes.
00:44:15
He looks evil. Have you ever seen eyes like this? If you look at him real closely, what do you see? This is right after Jaws. He
00:44:21
He looks like a ring around the outer edge of the eye.
00:44:26
What is that? I don't know. It's a old family trait. My father had those. I know what's making me soaked.
00:44:33
Well, this makes a most fascinating look. You really look terrific. Thank you. Are you into yoga or exercise?
00:44:41
Exercise. You might just whip one up. I might I might just whip one up. Listen,
00:44:47
you don't know to whom you are speaking because you and I go back a few years, but you weren't your mom.
00:44:53
What size are you? And Tom, how do you kiss underwater
00:44:59
without bubbles coming out of your nose and mouth? Let me ask you, how would you feel as a mother if your daughter were
00:45:06
involved with your former love personally? How how would you react to Look at her egg.
00:45:12
Yeah. how invaluable your voice has been to you over the years. No, baby, tell me. Perfect. I mean,
00:45:19
we can do that. You're a new father. Can we do that? Can we? Of course we can. We can. It was again cuz that was on the left
00:45:26
side. Where? You don't get I uh that like the new SNL cast members
00:45:35
female. Watch this person. Veronica should play that woman. Yeah. I mean the reason it well first of
00:45:40
all it just she got the guest selection I mean Gene Hackman was never on a talk show she got
00:45:48
Jean Hackman I mean it was all big stars and Tom Cruz Tom Cruz if you look back Yeah
00:45:55
Sam Wat Roy Schneider right around Jaws and you're on this [ __ ] show in some
00:46:02
living room it's hysterical and she's such a ballsy [ __ ] how funny someone should play her from
00:46:08
that era interviewing new stars and whatever. It's I think it's funny. Yeah, but it was right on the edge of
00:46:14
like is she in on the joke or is she still just trying to be really interesting? You know, it's funny. Everyone's can your show got
00:46:21
cancelled. Yes. What do you think of that? Yeah. And that person you co-star with
00:46:26
is dead, right? And uh do you regret not doing MASH because they got incredibly
00:46:32
rich? They really all made a lot of money. Like what? I love it. All right. You want to do one
00:46:37
more or is that it? If you can top it. That was really made me No, let's end on that one. We got to
00:46:43
save something. These people are chomping for more. Is it champing at the bit or chomping? Last question.
00:46:48
Okay, we have We have three questions. Fan. Oh, we have a question we have to answer. Oh, [ __ ] We have more. Okay.
00:46:54
Three of them. But what is the question? Champing at the bit or is it chomping at the bit?
00:47:00
Okay. What? Okay. Kevin Nean recently made a post asking people what their go-to laxatives are. What are your go-to
00:47:09
laxatives? Mine is nerves. Um, if I'm scared about something
00:47:17
that sort of gets things into gear, I would say that the premise is if you
00:47:27
need a laxative for your digestive system is because you're not getting enough fiber. So to get enough natural
00:47:35
fiber, the amount of green peas or blueberries or all these different
00:47:41
things you have to get and most people don't get it. Green peas of all things. Green peas, three cups of green peas.
00:47:47
I like green peas. 28 grams of fiber a day. So Metamucil mark that down. Green peas
00:47:53
is just fiber and your system really likes that. And if you are if your
00:48:01
digestive system isn't operating the way you want, I would recommend that. And I'm not a paid spokesman
00:48:07
for green peas. Okay, thanks for clearing that up. But what was the funny part? What's funny about what laxative is? Why is
00:48:15
that a an entree into comedy? I don't know. Kevin is I funny comment
00:48:20
on his Instagram. Oh my god. Uh I got I'm going to do another hiking
00:48:27
with Kevin. Um I want to do one with him where I
00:48:32
hike so hard that I I leave him behind. Yeah. You put a GoPro on and he just
00:48:38
picks up you from there because you he can't keep up. Yeah. I I wanted to do one called
00:48:44
Strolling with Dana, but I thought it was too close. What is What about walking backwards
00:48:49
with David? That's what I do sometimes. If my neck hurts, I walk backwards.
00:48:54
You should do squinting into the sun. Squinting. David hates light. You're walking around.
00:49:01
Uh, okay. One more and then we got to go. We have to. We got a lot. We got a lot going on.
00:49:06
Okay, you read this one. Okay. Where where did you lose your virginity? Expand and expound on that. I
00:49:14
know that's saucy question. Where? Um where
00:49:21
oh this young trolley I had a crush on and it was the last
00:49:28
month of high school. Took me a while and uh I walked her home from a boxer party
00:49:38
and that's where that magic happened. High fives all around.
00:49:44
I lost my virginity in a um Sears department store near where they sell
00:49:49
washers and dryers. Was it a mannequin? I don't want to say the person involved,
00:49:55
but it was at It was a Sears department store near I
00:50:01
won't say. Come on. We're a comedy show. Do the Oh, no. I just said the real one. God dang it.
00:50:07
Well, what's the strangest place you ever You made Whoopi. Made Whoopi. I was going to mid whoopy
00:50:13
lrange just why is Heather saying whoa whoa whoa cuz she thought the Sears front loader
00:50:18
she just goes whoa whoa whoa in a Sears department store near the washer where they sell the
00:50:24
that's a good one by the drill bits. So where's the weirdest place I've made whoopy
00:50:29
whoopy besides that chair last night? Um I don't you go because I know you're
00:50:37
not going to give an answer. Well, let me ask you a yes or no question. Okay. Did you ever make love in the backseat
00:50:45
of a car at a drive-in movie? No. I have a question for you.
00:50:53
I Are you in the Mile High Club at Koi?
00:50:58
The Mile High Club? No. Are you in the limousine club?
00:51:04
I don't think so. What a bummer. I'm going to say it again. Are you in the limousine club?
00:51:10
Are you in the koi club? You're being koi. You're being koi about going to koi? Uh,
00:51:17
no. I guess I'm not that fun. Um, another question. Where's the place you
00:51:22
would like to make whoopy, but haven't yet?
00:51:28
No one. You know, Jay Leno was smart about this. When older comedians would
00:51:33
come on the Tonight Show and do sex jokes, guys, guys in their early 50s, Jay was like, "Yeah, no one wants to
00:51:38
hear someone old." Yeah, you do. Yeah, they're right. They don't want to hear us. Yeah. They don't want to see us. They
00:51:45
don't want to picture us making love, you know, and then they just want the jokes. And you know, Jay's kind of always right about all his comments.
00:51:52
He knows what he's doing. He's got Yeah, he's got good He still has good stuff. I've seen him recently.
00:51:58
Uh, okay. That's it. So, thanks everybody. We'll save our other questions for next week. And uh
00:52:03
thanks for write them in. Thanks for being you. And uh that was a good one today. I was
00:52:08
really happy about it. Yeah, I was really happy we we rallied toward the end.
00:52:14
Dana, thanks for letting me be your guest today. You're very welcome. You've been a good guest. Do you want to hear the answer to
00:52:20
champing chomping? Oh, Heather's I was saying is the is the phrase champing at
00:52:28
the bit or chomping at the bit? And Heather has the answer. I know the answer.
00:52:33
Oh, what is it? What do you chomping? Nope. Champing.
00:52:39
Original is champing at the bit. But chomping at the bit is more widely used. But the phrase originates from horses
00:52:46
restlessness chewing their bits in anticipation. So while champ means to chew or gnaw, chomp means to refer to
00:52:52
chewing. Oh, chomping is chewing noises. Champing is when you bite down, a horse bites
00:52:58
down. So that one makes more sense. And then everyone just turned it into chomping because it sounded easier and it made more sense.
00:53:05
I knew there was something with that. What's What's the original word for chump change?
00:53:13
That's funny. That's like chump change. Chump change. You know, that's sort of being a little loose with vernacular. It
00:53:20
came from the Latin word chump and lino, which means chump change in Latin. I like when people call you chump. It's
00:53:27
funny. Look at this [ __ ] chump. Yeah. Mhm. Uh, all right, Chump. I'll talk to you
00:53:32
uh next week. We'll talk to you next week. Same bad time.
00:53:40
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00:53:46
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00:53:58
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00:54:05
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00:54:12
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00:54:21
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00:54:27
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00:54:34
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