00:00:00
Hunter Biden has just joined the podcast.
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My hair is [ __ ] slick. Whoa. Can you hear? God dang. She
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slicked it, Heather. Yeah. I'm going to try these.
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Oh, yeah. I'm back. Black and white. Look at us.
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[ __ ] It looks a little Richard Petty on your end. Do you mind my hat? I mean, do
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first of all, don't be frustrated. Don't be jealous. Just Just live with it. Just soak it in and deal with it.
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This is accept it. Yeah. It's It's Christian Bale in 310
00:00:43
from Yuma. Oh, that was a kill. It's hard to get a cool hat. I'm part cowboy, you know. I live on a farm.
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Yeah. A ranch, if you will. If you will. Um,
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and look, I could ask I could put it to as questions. Do I look cool in this
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hat? Yes. Does the jean jacket work with the black t-shirt? Yes. Um, do people
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love the Superman guy back there? Yes. Are they excited by your new look? I
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don't know. We'll find out. No, my hair is combed. Uh, and I got the chops in,
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but I'm trying to grow the middle out again. It's just not as fast as I want. You know what you look like right now?
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Yeah. Is is basically, and it's a compliment, you look like a mob boss. I mean, you
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look like someone who cuz the mustache and the thing. I mean, you look like you you're going to call a hit on somebody.
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My glasses look bigger than normal, right? I don't know why. Maybe it's cuz this weird angle. Maybe we got a weird because the hair's slick back.
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Yeah, maybe. God, it's like way back. Yeah. What's with this slicky mix slick?
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Yeah. porn director and action and action. Let's get in there
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everybody. There was something I wanted to share with you. I a second. You know,
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a philosophy of life that helps me, you know, a friend of mine used to say this to me.
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He'd say, and he was from Brooklyn. He go about life. You go, you do what you
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do, I do what I do. Rub a chicken capich.
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Never heard that one. But think about the brilliance of that. You do what you
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do. I do what I do. Rubber chicken. Capich. But what's the rubber chicken part?
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I never knew. Okay. I never knew. I get the do your own thing. Sure. Yeah. I I don't mind this.
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Yeah. Yeah. You look like a porn director. What am I going to do? Judge it? I'm just going to say you're going
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to You look like a porn director. I look like Christian Bale from 310 to Yuma.
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I'm the porn director that has girls come on that couch and goes, "This is a modeling uh audition, but
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let's lose the top." Uh Dana, a lot of people that live out there, like my brother lives up by San
00:03:01
Fran and uh I know where he lives. He has those big pineapple picker hats. Do you have one of those at the old
00:03:07
farm? Absolutely. That's like you they're everywhere. Every hardware store has a
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giant like sort of sombrero basically. Maybe I'll take a break halfway through
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and put it on and it's complete coverage because I get just blasted out here because I don't like I'm not a sunscreen
00:03:23
guy. I mean, you get in the morning and sunscreen yourself, but I don't. So,
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on the way in and out of stores, it's so hot up here you go.
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So, I I have one of those in my car and you can wear them into stores, but they're giant. I'll I'll be for our next
00:03:42
uh fly on the wall. Please. Also, you were just talking about 310 to Yuma.
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I saw a movie recently. What did you see recently? I saw a little thing I like to call
00:03:53
weapons. Weapons. I've heard a lot about I had no idea what weapons who, you
00:03:59
know, what does it mean? What is it? What's the billboard? All this. Yeah. Quick impression of me looking
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online about that movie. What's going on? I don't know. What is it? You know, it's number one with a bullet.
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Yep. It's horror and mystery and it got 100% in Rotten Tomatoes
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normally for horror films. [ __ ] way. So I said way. So I went
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I went to see it at my time. High noon.
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High noon. High noon. And way. So you go in.
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Yeah. Like a normal guy. Celebrities are just like us.
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Look, I go I go at 11:00 a.m. or noon. These are guilty pleasures.
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It's me and two chatty teenage girls up up behind me. So, it's literally empty.
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Um but I take my time like I said, "Okay, I'm going to get some water.
00:05:01
You're supposed to hydrate, right?" Oh, yeah. So, I go to the snack boss or the concessions concession. Yeah.
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concessions with the concistes. So, um, I see two people. I won't make
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any judgment about them, but I don't want to exaggerate. I think it took them probably a good 15 minutes, and they had
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been up at the counter before I got there. It's a ghost town. No one's around. There's the person.
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Hate it. So, it's popcorn, it's frizzle sticks, it it it's it's a
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pizza, it's it's hot dogs. And another large cook. Another large cook. Yeah. It went on and on. The guy was sweating.
00:05:37
He kept going in the back bringing out more popcorn or he's doing stuff. He's got, you know, little baked.
00:05:42
Do you have better hot dogs in the back? Um, let me go look. So, that was frustrating because I
00:05:50
thought I was going to miss the movie. So, I got up there and I realized lately if I'm upset, I get a little honory, I
00:05:56
start to channel Billy Bob Thordon from uh Landmine. So, I get up there and
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it's like, lady, she goes, "You want any popcorn?" I go, "Lady, I don't want any goddamn popcorn. I came here for a
00:06:08
goddamn cocoa with goddamn 20 minutes." Now, you got some more help cuz guess what's on right now? The coming
00:06:14
attractions and that's the best [ __ ] thing I see all day. All movies suck. You got to know that by now. But coming
00:06:21
attractions is two minutes, 10 movies that suck. So, give me my goddamn Coke and I'll get out of here. She goes,
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"That'll be $12." $12? My ass. So, I got really into it and I walked away. Yeah,
00:06:33
for sure you did. You can wave your arms around all goofy. That's what he says in the new T-Mobile
00:06:39
commercial. Yeah, they let him say goofy. That's [ __ ] I know. Cuz but he's so great in that part. And could we have him come on our
00:06:46
podcast, please? I love him. I think I've seen him out in the world. He's too cool for school. I mean, he's hard to flush out. I would like
00:06:53
Bonichio. I would like Billy Bob. I want Owen Wilson and Walken.
00:06:59
I know. They're they're elusive. They're light on their feet. They're not celebrities with their schnoz out there.
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What do I get? You know, look at me. Yeah. So, I would just say right now,
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Billy, if you're watching this goddamn podcast, you know, guess what? Yeah. We could use some more downloads and we
00:07:16
need someone with your star star power. So, get your ass off the couch.
00:07:22
Well, I saw Freaky Friday. No. Can you believe this, Dana?
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Why? Well, I have a really good reason. You know what it is? While you were
00:07:35
kicking back in your hammock up there, we got a call saying, "Do you guys want
00:07:41
Jamie Lee Curtis tomorrow? Can you do it tomorrow?" And I said, "Yeah." And so I guess what I did ran out to
00:07:47
Freaky Friday. I said, "One of us should see this." And I hadn't seen the first one.
00:07:52
And the I went with a dude, which is even funnier, and he's this tough guy.
00:07:58
And on eating before the movie, I kept saying, "Did you see the first? Have you
00:08:03
seen Freaky Friday?" He goes, "Freakier." I go, "What are you talking about?" He goes, "This one's called Freakier
00:08:09
Friday." Oh [ __ ] Hold on. Oh, that's me calling you. No, it's Love it.
00:08:16
Hang it up. Hello, you might have to get my picture back. Come here. But anyway, so I go He kept
00:08:21
saying it's freakier. I go, "No one doesn't know what I'm talking.
00:08:28
Silence that. Heather, text him and tell him to zip it. God dang love. What do you want to do?
00:08:34
I can't live without you. It's weird. I love you. I love you, Sam.
00:08:40
So, I go So, I go see the movie. Anyway, by the way, long story short, Jamie Lee had to push it till December.
00:08:47
Oh, but anyway, I have to say I did like the movie. I'm glad I went because the positives are
00:08:54
that Lindsay Lion is is a talent. She's great. She's super adorable, cute, funny
00:09:00
movie star. Um, absolutely. And Jamie Lee Curtis was funny. And you know how they got got her to do stuff?
00:09:06
She's the grandmother in it, which is usually sort of thankless. But the kids, this is where it gets a
00:09:14
little tricky. Oh, the first one, Lindsay and Jamie Lee Curtis flip-flopped, right? I guess
00:09:19
lightning bolt hits or something. Whatever happens this one, her kid and
00:09:25
her friend at school are fighting a dark-haired girl. Okay,
00:09:30
so you got to follow this. They hate each other right now. Spoiler alert. Turn it off. Don't
00:09:36
turn off though. Turn on mute. So Lindsay Lohan goes to a uh what is it
00:09:42
called? A truth a future teller. Whatever. Fortune teller. Jesus. God dang.
00:09:49
What the [ __ ] You talk a regular person on the goddamn show. What the [ __ ] am I
00:09:55
doing on this shower? Figure out. And you are. You're a professional talker. So, go ahead. Who swaps?
00:10:02
Look it up, Heather. Who is the girl as a fortune teller? It's on She's on She was on SNL. She's funny
00:10:07
and she does a great job. You know, the lightning hits and the wiggly Heidi Gardner or It wasn't Heidi Gardner. It wasn't
00:10:13
Rachel Dredge. Sort of that era. And uh and so anyway, but they flip-flop like
00:10:21
this. Jaime Lee goes into the friend.
00:10:26
Lindsay Lohan goes into her daughter. The friend goes into Jaime Lee. So whenever someone talks, you're like, I
00:10:32
need a [ __ ] schematic. So it's a triple swap. It's a quadruple.
00:10:38
That's why it's freakier. Cuz the first one was just motheraughter swap. Yeah, freakier isn't a strong enough
00:10:44
word. It's confusing Friday. Okay, it's all right. You know, you go for the
00:10:49
quadplex with the forsome there swamping. You spend half the time doing calculus instead of enjoying your math
00:10:56
day. FBI chart behind you with all the name. Okay, this person just said this joke that means she's old now talking about
00:11:02
Pampers. But they did it was a little more clever than I thought. It was kind of well written and the scenes all lent
00:11:09
themselves. You know, low expectations much look. Well, I didn't know. Oh, I thought it
00:11:14
was like for children and it was kind of funny, you know. So, I'll give it up. Um I think you said weapons was really
00:11:21
good. We didn't get into it, but you said weapons was really good. That was Vanessa Bayer, by the way. Look. Okay, good. Yeah. Um two things. One is when I when I see
00:11:28
these sequels, yours later, I just go with AI Wayne's World 3. I'm just
00:11:34
putting it out there. And what would you do? You could also do it as a puppet show.
00:11:40
You could do anything as a puppet show. You just do little puppets and go, "Hey, G."
00:11:46
I have a G puppet. It's in the garage, though. I'm bringing that out. I'm bringing my puppets out for the next one
00:11:52
that just pops the [ __ ] [ __ ] God damn it. No. What? Um, weapons
00:11:57
was one of those just great movies. That's all I can tell you. I heard this and I don't want you to
00:12:02
give it away because I think people are still seeing it, right? I won't give it away. I gave all of Freaky Friday away, but Weapons is
00:12:10
someone said it actually has comedy infused in it, quality comedy. So, it
00:12:15
it's an interesting hybrid, right? I will say this, no one's trying
00:12:20
to be funny. The comedy completely comes out of the characters and the situations
00:12:26
they're in. Um, that the casting of the people is perfect. Amy Madigan is in it. And for a
00:12:34
long time, I didn't know, God, who is this? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because she plays a cool weird character. He's good.
00:12:39
Uh, you know, uh, Josh Brolan, like he's he's uh stalky enough that when he
00:12:46
punches something, you know, you kind of believe that he's going to do damage, you know. Thanos. Yeah, he's a he's a bruiser
00:12:52
play. He has a cool old school dude. Look. Yeah. And I'm sorry, the lead is so good. Uh, can you look this up, guys? Uh, she was
00:12:59
Can we get one of our 500 team? Yeah. You know the credit role at the end? It's number 17. We'll figure this
00:13:06
one out. Who is it? The laid guy. No, the woman who who played this school teacher.
00:13:13
Look how you just pushed in. Did you see this, Heather? I didn't do anything. Oh, that's hysterical.
00:13:18
Oh, look at you. I can see you now. Now I can see you. No one can see. What happened is Dana's
00:13:26
We'd have a split screen, but we're small. Dana got bigger, which he liked. And that's what I'm sure he was so
00:13:31
excited about that. And then it went for both big. Oh my god. This is groundbreaking.
00:13:38
This is something where we should call George Lucas. Instead of freak your Friday, this is flyer
00:13:44
wallally. Well, what we learned is the people in weapons. It's funny, but they're not
00:13:51
sweaty and thirsty like us begging for laughs like us. It's like a Stephen King book to me or it's it's been influenced
00:13:57
by different things, but it makes something new and it just really works. And even for myself cuz I know the
00:14:03
rabbit gets out of the hat when the person's in the dark haunted room and the camera goes tight on them. You're
00:14:10
waiting for the pop. You're waiting for the you know. Yeah. So I I still at this age I just squint
00:14:16
at that point. I don't want to I know it's coming. I still I do I actually do that too or I cover
00:14:21
my eyes or my ears because it's too much of a jump scare. Yeah, there was also just a sound scare
00:14:29
come and I'm no one would believe this. I'm such a colossal [ __ ] that I can't I've never seen a scary movie. Never seen
00:14:36
Exorcist, Halloween, anything. Amityville, these old ones, Friday 13th, nothing. So this one feels
00:14:42
like it's a little scary and our kids involved makes it scarier. Yeah, everyone knows the basic premise 17.
00:14:49
Okay, there's kids involved. There's kids involved, but uh Well, they're on a poster, so they're doing something. But most the movie is just um you're
00:14:56
into like a mystery of missing people like Okay, so it's clever. It's clever. Who's going where? And so
00:15:03
I'm going to see it again. It's very I handle it. Well, I didn't want to say this, but we
00:15:10
should have if I could do confetti, I would. But that is now according to my
00:15:16
AI. That's the hundth time us doing this podcast where you called yourself a
00:15:22
colossal. Oh, is it really? Is that one of my big things? Colossal [ __ ] Well, people are on to it now.
00:15:28
Kind of a tough character. You You're never afraid on an airplane. I'm strapped in sucking on a Heineken.
00:15:33
You're up there kind of singing and dancing. I have to tell you when I was living in Cassandra, Arizona, uh from
00:15:38
when I was 8 to 12, my brother, you know, it's desert, so the fun things to do are connect or collect snakes and
00:15:44
stuff. Yeah. So, we had in his room, my mom let him, we had no dad around, so this is where the
00:15:50
this kind of gets a little lopsided, but she let him have five rattlesnakes in a cage in his room, a boa constrictor
00:15:58
and a uh python. Python got out. Po boa got out. And one time he came up to me
00:16:04
with a rattlesnake and he's got gloves on. He goes, "Touch it. Touch it." And I go, "No." He goes, "Touch it. Touch it
00:16:10
or I'll bash your face." So I touched the front of it. What are you doing? I I don't I don't know what the store
00:16:17
game is here. I be beat up or touch it. You were He was very pushy about it. I think that
00:16:24
was I wasn't supposed to touch it, but it didn't bite me. So I think he was holding it so tight it didn't get to go.
00:16:31
Yeah. I I've said this before, but you know, we used to have kids uh performer Desert Dan at a birthday party. All
00:16:38
these kids would bring all his little rabbits and to tortoises and a bow constrictor. And what dad here will
00:16:47
volunteer to have Arnold Arnold the bow constrictor? So I the kid look I go,
00:16:54
"Okay." So it gets around my neck and then it starts tightening of course and the kids are laughing.
00:17:01
You're going to die. Arnold likes you. That's why he's tiny. He's hugging you around your neck.
00:17:07
No. So that's my I'm going to cough now because of that.
00:17:12
Look at Don't do those tricky bits, dude. That was That really constricted me. But
00:17:18
yeah, it sounds like you and your brother had a delightful relationship. Um I will say I might have told you this,
00:17:24
but Brian, my brother, is great and he's the toughest one. So he he definitely
00:17:30
got bit by one of the rattlers, but one time we were we found a rattlesnake on our driveway. My stepdad, who was a
00:17:37
little buzzed, came home from work and uh he saw us with tennis rackets on the
00:17:44
uh driveway for about 20 minutes. We were trying to wrangle it to pick it up
00:17:49
behind the head and put it in a jug of empty milk cart, not a full
00:17:54
and then it kind of stays in the bottom and doesn't it's hard to get out. So, we're doing this maneuver and he comes home and he's drunk and he goes, "What
00:18:01
are you doing pling to play tennis with it?" That was his first big laugh. And then he we said, "No, we're trying to
00:18:07
get the milk cart." And he goes, "You just pick it up and put it in." And it
00:18:13
bit him. Now, we knew there was a reason why we weren't just picking it up and putting it. And it bit him. And then he goes, then he stuffed it in. Acted like
00:18:20
it was nothing. There you go. And he goes, "I'm going to go take a nap." I go, "I bet you will." So he went in and
00:18:27
we were like, "How old were you giving your dad [ __ ] like that?" We were probably 9, 11, and 13. My
00:18:33
stepdad, so we could push him a little bit. Yeah. And uh and then we were like all three
00:18:39
lined up like the Brady Bunch looking into the living room. He's asleep and his arm starts to swell, then his whole
00:18:47
shoulder and the side of his face. And we had to wake him up and go, "Hey, you got to go to the doctor." So we took him
00:18:53
in. He was purple. It got all purple, but he made it. He made it through.
00:18:58
Did anyone uh did the 13-year-old think to suck the poison out of the wound and
00:19:05
spit it out? Uh, no. Perv, what happened was Isn't that what we're supposed to do?
00:19:11
That's a rumor. Yeah. I don't know if it's real, but everyone knew that one. Not only does Chuck the poison take a pocket knife and
00:19:18
cut the two holes together, right? Yeah. I've seen it in Western movies. Anyway, we never never came to
00:19:23
that. Uh, I will tell you something. Last night quickly, I did a I did a set at the improv,
00:19:29
of course, and you crushed. I got Heather Heather's waiting to hear this because she asked me what happened last night. Okay.
00:19:35
Drive home, my sweet car, you know, lost in some tunes. Now, I
00:19:40
have a sort of a little road that goes up to my mansion. Oh, I know the road. Yeah.
00:19:46
Um, a mansion. I mean, what am I saying? This is other people's words. You know what? 44 windows, three
00:19:52
pantries. I don't know what you call it. This is 17 bedrooms. I've been in two of them. Yeah.
00:19:58
You My house could fit inside your kitchen. Let's put it that way. If my house had a baby. No. So, anyway,
00:20:05
my gate is skinny. Obviously, three of my friends have scraped their cars like a can opener.
00:20:11
Oh my god. Yeah, that that's horrible. That's the worst. It's skinny. Anyway, but one of my big fears is what happens
00:20:17
in LA cuz it's crime riddled is you get followed home kind of like celebrity
00:20:23
types, but anybody followed home, go in your follow you into your driveway and then they block you, get out, beat you
00:20:30
up, tie you up, and steal all your stuff, right? And so, of course, so that's happens a lot around here for
00:20:37
real. So, it's a trick where they block you, can't get out, but they follow you home. So, I'm going up this crummy
00:20:43
little street which is pretty skinny and there's two cars behind me. I don't even notice. And I'm like, they're kind of on
00:20:48
my ass. So, I go, "Well, oh shit." Of course, that's the first thing I think.
00:20:54
You got to up there. Yeah. Yeah. And there's It's pitch black up there. Oh, it's a perfect place for carjacking.
00:21:00
Perfect robbery crime. Um, so I pull over and I got my pepper spray right
00:21:07
here and I go, "Uh, I can't I don't want to pull into my driveway, so I just pull right before like let them pass."
00:21:13
Yeah. Yeah. They pull up next to me and stop. So, what do you do?
00:21:18
And it's pitch black. Yeah. And it's dead quiet neighborhood, windy road. They
00:21:23
Five guys in a car, a car behind them. Five guys in a car pull up and stop alongside you. And I got my window
00:21:30
cracked and they got theirs down and I got this and they're not going past me. I think I know. And I lean over. You do? They go,
00:21:37
"Hey, do you know where Jensen Street is?" Close. "Hey, can you sign a bunch of [ __ ]
00:21:42
We got all this stuff. We got some Funkos." And I go, "Get the [ __ ] out of here." I go, "Are you guys?" They
00:21:49
followed me from the improv. Two cars. Oh, man. I lit them up, which
00:21:54
I've never heard of that, but they almost got sprayed. And if and then I went into my driveway. I was kind
00:21:59
of nervous now cuz and I went in and I go, "If they come behind me, I'm going to get the gun." Just going to show it
00:22:05
to him like, "Hey, this is for real. Now you're now you're in my house." Like, "You can't do this." Because they were
00:22:11
at the improv and they were in front of the gate and they're all waiting with stuff to sign. And then I signed one on
00:22:17
the way in, but I go, "That's it. I'm not going to sign anyone. I leave." Because they get like a clump. It's kind of nerve-wracking. So, they're all clumped up by when I drive out and I
00:22:24
wave through the window. They're not really fans. So, I love fans, but we we talked about this before like at the
00:22:29
airport. It's not fans. It's a business and they're can be a little aggressive sometimes.
00:22:35
And they're angry. They've never So, they follow me all the way home, which I didn't realize. That's even scarier
00:22:41
knowing situational awareness. I don't know someone. It's a ways away. You don't live around the block. It's like a long follow. I
00:22:48
mean, I'm just imagining the conversation. Hey, we got our bungos. We got we got our Joe Dirt poster. Spade.
00:22:54
We're going to cook. Hey, he didn't sign. Hey, Eddie. Let's follow him. And they pile into a car. I can't.
00:23:01
And is anyone going, "This isn't a great idea. This isn't a great idea." No, let's not follow him. He's going to get He didn't love it at the improv. Do you
00:23:07
think he's going to love it in his driveway? So, is he going to be pulled over in his driveway at his house?
00:23:12
Yeah. So, you're getting too famous. I've said it before. I don't know if it's that. I think it's just these guys because they do it to
00:23:18
other people that are there. Uh but when you're on the bill, and the improv's great, by the They try
00:23:24
to go here. It makes me want to go do sets down there and then ditch the guys who want to sign.
00:23:30
Well, because they're just not Listen, I sign stuff all You do the same thing. I do it. You're like, I can't do anymore
00:23:37
because they could go for two hours if you friendly. Yeah. If you don't stop and then they still hate you.
00:23:42
But the worst is blue marker for this. No, use the So, no. Put on the side. Don't put my name. Put it Put it right
00:23:49
next to Adam's name. Make sure. And then I've got this one. This is my daughter and she's a big fan. Oh, I come out. Yeah, we just could you
00:23:56
please and and then they start to fight amongst each other. You got enough, dude. You got like 10 from him and they
00:24:02
refer to you as him. He's going to sign some more. He's being really weird. Me. But anyway,
00:24:08
that story. I won't milk it because we talked about the stuff before. Love the everyday fans. Talk all day.
00:24:13
Have a great time. So, uh, that these are just like an interesting breed of people that really rub me wrong. I hate
00:24:19
it. I can't stand it. Uh, that's it. I support you. I We won't beat it up too bad.
00:24:25
No, no, it's You'd have to be in this situation. It sounds like first world problems. I saw you at Largo once and you left
00:24:31
Largo and when I drove around there was probably 15 people around you in a circle and I see Dane in the middle
00:24:37
going sign, selfie, sign, selfie. Which guy did I not get? They give you another
00:24:43
one. Trick me over here. No, you not even got me. First of all, it was bedum because you
00:24:48
and I were interviewing Mr. Will Frell. Oh, yeah. And so Will draws a pretty intense
00:24:55
crowd. And then he he's he get he had an escape pod or a helicopter or something like he's gone
00:25:01
and then I'm kind of waiting. I go out the side and I see you driving by. No one's bugging at you. Honk and wave.
00:25:06
Stay long, sucker. So then they're like they're swarming. They're down the
00:25:11
street. Then they see there's one last quas celebrity done. So they get all around me and I'm like you innocently were walking down the
00:25:18
street just like I thought I was going to cross the street and just be fine. Then I'm in this my asthma. I'm like just in I got
00:25:24
plankton. I can't move. I'm part of this this this moving human thing and I'm
00:25:30
signing inside this tunnel as fast as I could and then they start going like this. They never end because they got a new one.
00:25:36
Really mad. Where's David Spade? I don't know. I don't know where David Spade is. Why would he go away? Well, because he
00:25:42
goes away. But look, if you want to follow him, this is his address. And
00:25:47
yeah, follow He likes it. He does it better at the house. Uh, all right, let's get to some news stories. Uh,
00:25:53
let's really let people know what's going on in the world. The stupidest stories in the world. Not at all. The best.
00:26:01
Um, okay. This is JLo. Oh, okay. Play it. Oh, I think I know
00:26:06
what this is. Look at her neck, Heather.
00:26:12
You see this? You see this? Look at her. See that? Dana, that's
00:26:20
a can see it. Is this AI though?
00:26:28
Go for the jugular. Get off of him.
00:26:37
That was good. Tickling. Tickling. Tickling. What' you say?
00:26:42
Where was she? Oh, was it a cricket or a cockroach? What do you think, Dana? Now we're in a wide shot. Um,
00:26:50
I know. I would say it' be a cricket. I don't know. I don't know why I think that. I What are you more scared of?
00:26:57
I don't like cockroaches, especially. Crickets make little sounds.
00:27:04
I mean, croc. Yeah, crickets are really just cockroaches
00:27:09
with good PR because they're both gross. You know what's weird? And you may not you may know this, but so we get ant
00:27:17
infestations up here. It's around the tub and all of a sudden there's 100,000 ants
00:27:24
and you're looking you're looking at them and they're like, "What are they doing?" And then you bring in the ant
00:27:30
trap that attracts them. So then we have a million ants and they're frantically
00:27:35
getting inside the trap. They think it's really good juicy stuff. Oh yeah. And then they take it out and they go
00:27:42
back to the queen. Oh. And give it to the queen. So the idea is you have to kill the queen to kill the
00:27:47
colony. That's how clever this is. And they're all super happy. And sometimes you see them running into each other
00:27:52
like opposite sides of a freeway. They're so excited. Get to the queen. And then they're like, "This is so juicy." A gift for the queen.
00:27:58
A gift for the queen. Oh, a gift for the queen. miss my ant substitution boys. Oh, let's bring it back to the queen.
00:28:04
Oh. Oh, no. Please accept this crumb of poison.
00:28:12
They don't know. Queen should have a tester. Yeah. So, anyway, that's, you know, it's
00:28:17
it's it's sort of weird. You're kind of murdering like a million separate little
00:28:22
I know. It feels weird. You know, if you ever have ants in your bed, that's I had ants when I stayed at this guy's house at UVA doing standup. got me a gig, but
00:28:30
there's nowhere to stay. And everyone keeps going, "We'll figure it out. I don't like that plan. We'll figure it out. We'll figure it out." So, we're
00:28:36
drinking. I kept going, "Well, where do I put my stuff? I just want to know some safety. What am I doing here?"
00:28:41
Wound up at that party house. No one had a plan. So, they go just sleep there in a lazy boy chair. So, it's about this
00:28:48
far back. Oh my god. I'm getting another call. Can't you silence it? How do I do it?
00:28:54
Yeah. How do you silence your phone, Heather? Arty Lang. Arty Lang. It's already lying. Is that
00:29:00
crazy? God, we get better guests just calls that you just We should just put them on.
00:29:06
Everybody calls just jump on. Oh, and this is Mark Wahlberg and Brad Pitt calling.
00:29:12
Well, so Oh, we did the ants. Okay. Okay. All right. Let's do the next
00:29:17
story. Oh, UCLA develops a molecule that regrows hair in one week by reactivating
00:29:24
follicles. There's no chance because I would run down there right now. Everyone would. Well, if you could
00:29:32
have more hair than you do, even if you have 90% of your hair, you go just with like a a little drop and then
00:29:37
it all just starts growing wherever you want it. But what if you did it in the wrong
00:29:42
place and it's splattered on the tip of your nose? I mean, there are hazards to this.
00:29:48
You almost said wiener. I'm not saying it this year. Wiener. No, I I believe that in the with
00:29:56
AI and biochemical stuff and these kinds of, you know, DNA [ __ ] and all that,
00:30:02
they're they're going to be able to just solve. I mean, can they [ __ ] do it already? Like, enough people are bald. You proved
00:30:08
your point. Let's get you can do everything else. Let's go. It's a trillion dollar
00:30:14
addressable market. Oh, yeah. Because we don't vain world. Of course. Of course
00:30:20
you would. Yeah. It' just be like Yeah, I'd rub it all over my arms and be like this. What's up?
00:30:27
Yeah, I'd rub it. Yeah, I'd rub it. I'd rub it. Yeah, you know where I'd rub it. Yeah, that's why you look like a porn director
00:30:34
and now you're talking like one. Give me that dropper.
00:30:40
Uh, okay. Next one. Let's see. What's next? Colorado man mauled after attempting to
00:30:47
join Wyoming Wolfpack. Oh, he dressed like a furry. just like a wolf and he
00:30:52
crawled around. Oh boy, this is not a good idea. Man from Fort Collins who identifies as
00:30:58
a wolf furry has been mauled in Wyoming after attempting to join an actual pack
00:31:05
of wolves. A self-described wolf furry from Fort Collins is recovering in Wyoming
00:31:11
hospital after attempting to integrate himself into an actual That's enough of wild moves. 28-year-old
00:31:19
Lupus Moonh Howl, legally known as Brian Sanders. Okay, that's enough.
00:31:25
Well, I love how happy the narrator is. I wanted to Sometimes I wish I could find these without the narrator because that's
00:31:31
[ __ ] our job. But yeah, Lucas Mulehal, I I think I remember from
00:31:36
my yearbook, but he's crawling around. It's just bad idea. Gets in a little wolf outfit and tries
00:31:43
to crawl around. So, first of all, um, wolves have great sense of smell and
00:31:48
scent. So, they know within a billionth of a second, it is not a wolf.
00:31:54
He's like, "Hey, what's going on here? What are we all doing wolfwise tonight?" Yeah. So, then they just start mauling,
00:31:59
but I guess he didn't really get hurt. But, um, you know where he blew it? He called it, he goes, "Let's go look for
00:32:05
sheeps." And they're like, "It's sheep." So, what's going on? This guy's weird. Also, Bad Idea Jeans. He could have been
00:32:12
in that commercial. Yes. Were you in Bad Idea Jeans? Yes.
00:32:19
Do you remember what your joke was? No. Oh, you mean that the Saturday Night
00:32:24
Live commercial parody? Yeah. No, I don't think I was in that. I think I was in Bad Idea Jeans.
00:32:29
Three-legged jeans. Oh, okay. I was not in mom jeans. Yeah,
00:32:35
jeans is a good thing for a bit. I think they did a Calvin Klein. They've done a million jean bits. Yeah, I think mom
00:32:42
jeans was pretty memorable because the look was so funny on them. I think that was Tina Amy
00:32:47
highwaisted and kind of puffy. Yeah. Yeah. Hilarious.
00:32:52
Tina Fay. Uh, always funny. Tina. Okay, what's next?
00:32:57
Mhm. Rat runs into napping woman's pants in
00:33:03
Vietnam. Viet Vietnam. No rules. Let's see.
00:33:08
Oh, yuck. Oh my god. Heather, will you wanna Can
00:33:13
we try this with you? No, they play Gangham Style.
00:33:20
Gum style. I thought that was a rat in the bottom left. Oh, that's someone's head.
00:33:26
So, does Okay, so can you Did it ever go out of her pants? I couldn't tell.
00:33:31
Yeah. Turn the sound off. Let's try it again. Okay, let's Okay, soap zap. Okay, she's
00:33:38
relaxing on the floor. There it goes. Goes up. It goes up her pants. A rat up to the Chattahuchi canal.
00:33:44
Then she's dancing. And she's got It's ran. Yeah. It's like, where was I?
00:33:50
Was that a ring camera or who's taking that shot? I think that sounds like a store camera.
00:33:55
That seems like a CCTV, right? Well, that's the thing. It's like, you
00:34:01
know, I know people like my wife. I really hates rats. Yeah, they don't really I know a lot of people
00:34:07
really hate rats. Rats don't really bother me as much. And mice have a good rep
00:34:14
pretty much. Rats bad rep. Oh, by the way, I heard last night I heard him last night above me.
00:34:22
Rats in here in my house. What do you hear? In the attic. Well, we have we have a guy come out. I had him out a couple
00:34:27
weeks ago. So then I'm going to wait and see. But yeah, it's pretty loud. Feels like they're chewing on something up in
00:34:34
the attic. Yeah. Chewing on wires. You know, I thought I
00:34:39
had a rat in my closet cuz I heard round and round. What comes around?
00:34:44
Is that a rat song? That's the band rat. Yeah. Okay. I assumed there was a connection.
00:34:52
I'm so glad there was. But okay, one more. Let's let's let's do this.
00:34:57
Then we're going to take some calls, I think. Oh, okay. Oh, here's this is like something I would never do.
00:35:04
We of course Spade won't do it. Just this video I don't like. Oh, that guy is
00:35:11
okay. Very high up. What am I looking at? Way high up. I think he's got one of those stick.
00:35:16
Where's the camera? Is he like 300 feet in the air? What? He Oh, he's doing a handstand. Not a
00:35:23
chance. I would just jump, but I would not do this. He's talking in how high above water, right?
00:35:30
Yeah, that looks like a little dinky pool. A pool. Is that a full island? I can't tell what we're Okay. Handstand.
00:35:39
Nope. Okay.
00:35:45
Oh. Oh, that doesn't look deep at all. Did he hit his head? Yeah, it didn't look near deep enough.
00:35:52
That looked about Damn. 8 ft deep. Was he all right? It's not enough. He's okay. He's staying with me right
00:35:58
now. Really? He's a little shook up. Yeah. Is he wearing sunglasses and that
00:36:03
mustache, too? My porn look. I got to switch up next week. I don't mind sunglasses now and
00:36:10
then, but this new lighting makes my head shiny. And then this looks a little
00:36:16
wrinkly. I got to shave that. I got I mean, it looks too I think it looks good. So, you're using
00:36:21
different lighting? I'm down in the studio where we You have more diffuse, bigger lights,
00:36:26
but you can make them you can turn. I'm trying. Yeah. And then I've got It's blacker behind me and yours is white,
00:36:31
which is the funniest part. It's like exactly the opposite. Uh I don't know. I got the little fly on
00:36:37
the wall thing. I got Superman. I got a plant. I got a candle, a lighter, and a
00:36:42
nightlight. You do what you do. I do what I do. Yeah, you're right. Rubber chicken. No.
00:36:49
And then Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's right.
00:36:56
All right, let's do one more story, then we'll take this question. Okay, then we're going to take some We're going to interact with you guys. I like this show, though. I like it.
00:37:02
Yeah, I do, too. Okay. What? Oh, yeah. I saw the I saw a couple things of these these turtles.
00:37:08
You can just if we can just show them. Look at these turtles. Explain what's going on here. someone that's
00:37:13
they always put scary music to inonate
00:37:19
to help you decide that it's not fun. It's scary. It's like a trick. So, the turtles are all in formation
00:37:25
under the water. The turtles I've seen this a few times on Instagram. They're in a circle. There's a couple uh boss turtles in the
00:37:31
middle, I think. Is that two turtles in the middle or am I crazy? There's one at least.
00:37:37
That's two in the middle and then the others are around them. Is it It's some kind of UFC cage match.
00:37:42
They're not humping. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Um I don't know why they would look so perfect. I don't think it's AI, but
00:37:48
Well, as someone who played a turtle in a movie, I can tell you right now, that's true.
00:37:54
They are certainly turtly enough for the turtle club.
00:38:00
That's could be a turtle club meeting. That's how I picture it. You know what I want to do? of Happy Madison wants to do it is an animated
00:38:06
show called The Adventures of Turtleman. And his his car looks like he's a detective, but no one no one ever says
00:38:13
to him, "What are you, a [ __ ] turtle?" But he's like, "Turtle man, he just solves crime." Oh, no one mentions it.
00:38:18
Yeah. I'd like to ask you a few questions if you don't mind. [Laughter]
00:38:26
That doesn't even have to be happy, man. Otherwise, I will do a Master Disguise. This is a news flash. I will do a Master
00:38:32
of Disguise sequel, but in the sequel, I play not Pistachio, the young protege. I
00:38:39
play the grandpa, the wizard. Oh, and I would love to have Bowen Yang play
00:38:45
Pistachio. Wow, that guy is funny. Wow. Bow. Friend of the show. Friend of
00:38:52
the show. Friend of the show. It's that thing of like a
00:38:57
Sarah Sherman could play your beard. Do you have a beard in it? Long beard. Oh, we got all kinds of parts. We put I put
00:39:03
most of the SNL cast in there. Put Sarah Sherman in there. She would play a big mole on your nose.
00:39:10
She likes to play weird stuff. I know. Okay, let's do our question.
00:39:17
Oh, we're taking fan questions now. Oh, okay. Read it.
00:39:22
I can't. It's very small. Okay. I absolut Hey guys, I absolutely hate
00:39:28
waking up in the morning. Coffee doesn't work anymore. Any tips or tricks? How do I make myself a morning person? Thanks,
00:39:36
M. Wow. Morning person. Oh, boy.
00:39:41
Well, are are your kind of morning person? Oh, yeah. I I like generally on the farm
00:39:46
I get up at between 6:15. Oh, I hear I hear a rooster every
00:39:53
morning. Oh, yeah. And I hear crickets at night.
00:39:58
I love it. And the birds and the hawks are flying in.
00:40:04
Yeah. Well, morning person. I get up I got up at god dang 6
00:40:10
10 today. H it's too early. Not good for a nightclub comedian. Well, you said I get up at 10.
00:40:16
I slept like [ __ ] pie, man. I I slept sometimes I have the weirdest dreams. I sleep like [ __ ] But if I sleep so bad
00:40:22
my neck hurts, that's a tough day. Where do you get your pillows? Cuz pillows matter. Like my wife and I
00:40:28
travel with a pillow. Unless we're at the Four Seasons or something, you otherwise you won't sleep. It's Herman.
00:40:33
It's a Herman Monster pillow at the hotel. Solid rubber, you know,
00:40:39
this high or this high. We want to be able to compress it down
00:40:44
like so it kind of you know 20 solid years in the road of standup of
00:40:50
using every dog [ __ ] pillow. And then I finally said, "What if I just brought one I like?" And then that was game
00:40:55
changer. I could sleep with any pillow. I remember Lauren Michaels saying to me once, uh, Mick Mick travels with his own
00:41:02
pillow and I thought and I thought, well, that's weird. Why would he have to what? That's bgeoa to travel with your
00:41:08
own pillow. That's me traveling with my own pillow. Mick goes to Duxiana.
00:41:15
Uh, Mick wears a tank top to bed and boxer shorts and wool socks. Thank you,
00:41:21
Lord. Mick doesn't like anything too constricting. you or as a wife beater. Uh Mick Mick, if it's very cold, he
00:41:29
wears a triple blanket motif and a feather down. Um and then he has a pipe,
00:41:34
a lit pipe that he smokes throughout the night just to sort of clear his lungs.
00:41:40
He has banaka right there in case someone breaks in, he can talk. If Nick If Mick wakes up in the middle
00:41:47
of the night, he like kicks Keith Richards out of the bed. I go, "What?"
00:41:52
Mick goes to bed in the day and wakes up at night. Ah man, I want to have the movement of
00:41:58
Mick Jagger if I can get to his age. He's doing He's doing good. You know what? We haven't answered the
00:42:05
question. Oh, morning person. Yeah. Well, they're saying coffee doesn't work. So, that's a big one. If you get
00:42:12
up, I would say if they can't wake up, I'm going to say if you can't just start
00:42:17
exercising, go in the shower, put it on ice cold. Yeah. Then two p two big cups of coffee. If
00:42:25
you're not awake, then you should go to the go to the ER. Yeah. Immediately. Okay. That's a great
00:42:32
answer. Okay. Let's uh go to the next. This is the last question. Here we go. It was a sincere. Okay. Can you Was there ever was there uh
00:42:39
everyone someone which is wrong. Was there ever someone worked with in the entertainment industry that you thought
00:42:46
was a dick because of how they acted at first, but then you ended up really liking them or even becoming friends?
00:42:53
Wow. That kind of describes our relationship. No, you weren't.
00:42:59
No. Who did I I can't think. I'm thinking of SNL first, but I can't think of anyone at my
00:43:09
jobs in showbiz that was really rough on me and then later on
00:43:14
and then we got along. Yeah. I mean, I don't mind when people are sort of tentative with me at first
00:43:19
because they feel people out. Takes a while. You can't be like fake immediate
00:43:25
friends, you know. Yeah. Yeah, I mean it sometime, you know, it's really it's it's sort of an
00:43:30
interesting idea of making friends as mature adults. You know,
00:43:38
I meet people or we know couples or whatever and the husband or the guy is just no friends.
00:43:44
I mean, a lot of men are just sort of isolated with their job or whatever. our job is so social if you're working with
00:43:49
other comedians and you really become friends with the cast that you don't
00:43:55
even know your original cast. We were in a hybrid cast. Um
00:44:00
but mostly everyone who gets on SNL when I was there I didn't have anybody who
00:44:07
was a dick really. We were all friendly and I think what happens the hard thing about show biz which is
00:44:13
you know there's obviously a million positive things when you go on a movie or a show movies 7 to 10 weeks with
00:44:22
everybody every day then gone then they're gone it's so hard to keep it going now they're on a different movie you're over
00:44:27
here they're back in Nova Scotia you're here and so suddenly you're like oh I never see them anymore we had such a
00:44:34
blast plus common denominator of you're on the movie, you're meeting lines, you
00:44:39
have the same time off, you eat lunch together, you have the weekends, you're stuck in some and then it goes away and you're like,
00:44:44
that's tough to deal with because you're like, oh, I kind of got close with some people. That's weird.
00:44:49
I think if you're on live TV and you're scared and you go out and you're with a partner in the scene or two people,
00:44:55
three people, and maybe it just barely made it to air and then and then you land it. It just
00:45:02
it it it hooks the audience and it kind of kills on air. It is very bonding when
00:45:08
you come off like I got Wow, we [ __ ] crushed it. You know what happens is you go out into out of 8H and you see all
00:45:14
the people around there. Where'd it go? Where'd it go? Yeah. Sometimes you don't you come out and
00:45:20
they just sort of look away. They don't want to make eye contact. Yeah, I agree. It's it's it's bonding
00:45:25
when you're with the whole uh group on a show. Common goal. It's fun. And you all have a job. It's fun. Good mood kind of
00:45:32
thing. Yeah. All right. Well, Dane, I think you've learned a lot from me today.
00:45:37
I did. I learned how to look like a a porn director. All right, we're gonna try one more.
00:45:42
Let's get our stunt wiener in here.
00:45:48
I don't know how I'd be a I'd be embarrassed to be a porn director. I go, "Okay, you guys, you know, do it or
00:45:54
whatever." Um, and uh begin at any
00:46:00
time. Maybe that thing could get higher if possible. Uh and then start the and
00:46:06
then maybe turn around is just mine. Yeah. I don't know. I mean like Yeah. It
00:46:14
doesn't float my boat. I'm not someone at night just Oh, I thought we had something in
00:46:21
common, but I don't judge it, but it's uh I don't know if it's actually great for people,
00:46:30
young young people being able to click on and see hardcore porn. I mean, we had
00:46:36
Playboy magazine at at the dump, you know, that was Sears catalog. So,
00:46:41
yeah. And so I don't really I don't know if a lot of this social media porn it's
00:46:48
a little toxic the culture don't think it can be great. I think we probably
00:46:53
agree on it. Guess what I'm watching lately? What?
00:46:59
The original Batman series with Adam West. Oh really? Adam West. It's so funny.
00:47:04
Is it a little William Shatner? His delivery. He's got his own rhythm but it's Shatneresque. He's taking lines that
00:47:11
Robin we but it's the whole thing is so colorful, so technicolor
00:47:17
fun and fun. And then the Batman character is like the ultimate American citizen.
00:47:23
You know that they go to the Batmobile, he doesn't put a Robin doesn't put a coin in the meter. No, Robin, we must always
00:47:30
support civic development by putting do our duty. Yeah. There's a lot of stuff in there that's really ages well. So I I would tell
00:47:38
young people to look check it out. Batman 1960s. The old Batman sounds fun.
00:47:45
Now sounds who our seizures are. Okay, we'll see everybody next time. Thanks and bye-bye.
00:47:51
Thank you. [Music]
00:47:57
Hey guys, if you're loving this podcast, which you are, be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app. Give us a
00:48:04
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00:48:09
If you're watching this episode on YouTube, please subscribe. We're on video now. Fly on the Wall presented by Odyssey and
00:48:16
executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman, Mattie Sprung Kaiser, and Leah
00:48:23
Reese Dennis of Odyssey. Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman, and the show is produced and edited by Phil Sweet
00:48:30
Tech. Booking by Cultivated Entertainment. Special thanks to Patrick Fogerty, Evan Cox, Mora Curran, Melissa
00:48:39
Wester, Hillary Schuff, Eric Donnelly, Colin Gainner, Sean Cherry, Kurt
00:48:45
Courtourtney, and Lauren Vieiraa. Reach out with us any questions be asked and answered on the show. You can email us
00:48:52
at fly onthewallsey.com. That's audacy.com.
