00:00:00
you want to start right now and go for it you want to get into it I guess so mix it up look at my Road Runner I'm in
00:00:06
a new location now what is this now this is my you know other place just don't
00:00:12
worry about it it's not I'll be in New York you know I go I keep moving I have three homes mhm don't be jealous do you
00:00:21
leave anything in New York do I leave anything in New York I
00:00:26
leave everything there you do mhm you keep it the whole time Richie Rich Jesus
00:00:32
Christ no no I don't I don't pay it's some other people are very generous I
00:00:38
took care of that for you it's okay to ask David I took care of it trust me they've got the money trust
00:00:45
me they can afford it you know I told him I told him do the right thing do the
00:00:50
right thing stop the bombing hey handsome who's funnier than you we're
00:00:57
going to have to make memes out of I had G on a zoom today and he was [ __ ] bombing did all his [ __ ] all his hits
00:01:06
all stick and nothing CRI boy yeah [ __ ] cricks geez you got a lot of
00:01:11
zooms I do have I have a lot they're mostly with Theo but God dang there's a lot of zooms he was the funniest one to
00:01:18
zoom in but he walks around sometimes the laptop drives me crazy oh just sit I can't stand these Zoomers hey man I know
00:01:25
that's kind of a hip thing to do get car sick where you going you got a zoom I know everyone said
00:01:32
all tell it's funny when people say you're talking to the phone they say I'm going to take you into my car I said
00:01:38
this before but it's funny I'm taking you in the car with me no don't I'm trying to order aiz
00:01:45
Drive hang and I have to beat my kids wait a minute let me get the effect
00:01:52
for the driving and then the hitting of the kids again first the driving effect
00:02:00
and now he stop hey crash what is there a dog in the
00:02:07
engine or something yeah I know that's the tires then they hit a dog well what was
00:02:14
that what was in your hand it didn't sound like a slap no just it's an
00:02:20
elbow really is him wakes him up I know well I was a little tired
00:02:26
yesterday you know so I just I took a hot B
00:02:32
put the thing in the so that the water wouldn't go down the
00:02:38
drain and I toed off as long as you say what it is the
00:02:46
sound effect can be I got a cheese grater then I ate a
00:02:55
cheeseburger dude I have to tell you you know what every time we do any Riff on this I imagine it's a it's a YouTube
00:03:01
short so I start I start we need more we need more we got to get to a minute for
00:03:08
Patrick I start thinking what would we do with this and you know I know I feel YouTube is ruined if because we have any
00:03:14
any real conversation we go we got to Z it up with a little
00:03:20
y that that's it that's gonna be in some kind of Instagram don't be mad at my new haircut
00:03:27
oh yeah it's pretty fluffy well the shorter the more the fluff we've talked about this many times on this podcast
00:03:35
I'm cutting the sides off this week all gone shaved mean you're trying to look like me no you're not going to shave and
00:03:43
then have a nose ring check your birth certificate
00:03:48
quinky come on gleo hey Christ sake there's a time in a place for that kind
00:03:54
of aut tramont all right you turn into shaherazad [Laughter]
00:04:01
whoever that is I know but that sounded almost like an author or something the Egyptian author wrote the the Bridgeway
00:04:08
to the Nile in 1947 now listen I'm gonna back up to
00:04:15
Thanksgiving because I know Thanksgiving was last last week but I will say the beginning of Thanksgiving always starts
00:04:22
with me watching local news and they always have some newscaster posted up at the airport I love it oh that car it is
00:04:30
the record it's always a record literally there's never been a week or a year there wasn't a record record 80
00:04:36
million drivers they're going across and then the airport 80 million Flyers
00:04:42
always a record who knows who checks who knows sounds better to say there's a record and we're here at 4 in the
00:04:49
morning and it is packed and you know what I
00:04:54
mean we're expecting 149 million people to go to
00:05:00
Disneyland this Friday night you should always give it about 7 hours ahead of
00:05:05
time just to let him Frisk your balls did I tell you I did tell you when they Priss my wiener did I tell you this
00:05:12
other there the guy goes there always like hey Spade hey everyone's cool he goes and I'm like beep beep he's like
00:05:17
this is a random one I think he's telling me to go away but he goes I say oh come here it's a
00:05:23
random one meaning I still do it you know it's me n and he gets down he goes something's in your groin area I go oh
00:05:31
you've heard about it he goes no something's in there it's showing up on the thing and I go maybe it's a zipper I
00:05:36
don't know and he goes he gives you an interview first because that I well I gotta get in
00:05:43
there I get in there and he goes kind you sounded seduced for a second I got
00:05:49
to get in your groin area I know you ready for a groin Pat MH he helps me
00:05:55
nods and I go and he goes all right you do want front or back of the hand I go
00:06:01
just let's just do front you know we're having fun he literally goes front or back of
00:06:07
the hand I go no I know I've never get I've never had like a nice cheerful dialogue but I want to hear this I I get
00:06:13
fris every single time I go through the machine continue not a bit not a joke
00:06:19
and I know how they do it they're talking to you and they come up the inner thigh with the hands and then they
00:06:25
sort of bounce up and make sure hey you the church lady looks like more like the church dude uhhuh Christ they go up the
00:06:32
pant leg yeah um and that's even that's before I
00:06:41
get to the airport okay good night people I that's the skyc
00:06:46
cap Delta guy so so you literally got Frisk and he grabbed he gives me a
00:06:53
backhand hand job like this I'm like okay he goes you're good but I get it
00:06:58
every time people going hey did you do the church lady can I get a picture and then yeah okay up against the wall
00:07:04
spread where the bombs she all those fans back there yeah we don't care about
00:07:11
you and your fan base which is shrinking according to this document you at the
00:07:16
airport you have data on my fan base and he said yep I do and that my favorite
00:07:23
thing to do is when I work Phoenix Airport because I get a chance to grope David Spade even though the X-ray says
00:07:30
he's clean as a whistle because might be a glitch it might be we are now into
00:07:37
Senator John F K territory I have to grab your testical my words not yours
00:07:44
yeah Le he's H us that way do you still have two
00:07:50
testicles most people do I do I know I do yours as big as Dallas do you
00:07:57
name each IND I'm sorry where are we going with this where does this where does this end do
00:08:04
you think women still have puic hair just a question's no right or wrong once dated
00:08:11
a lady from Memphis Tennessee and she died her pubic hair in a kaleidoscope
00:08:18
effect she had is that your experience you could pull on them the they's seven
00:08:23
in each they're just jammed down yeah and if you had some Jam left over over
00:08:29
from your sandwich it would make a sticky paste and you could spell letters you you could actually write a little
00:08:36
note to her that she would find later in her collidoscope growing area and there
00:08:42
ladies and gentlemen is a Instagram clip she people like
00:08:51
this we didn't say they were good which it says they're Clips they're noisy so I
00:08:58
get to I get to Thanksgiving dinner I got Harper and and we have this good idea right Harper says let's get little
00:09:06
canvases like this cuz my mom ran into a woman that teaches art or whatever MH
00:09:11
she does my mom will literally talk to anyone literally talk to anyone they
00:09:16
talk for a long time and then numbers exchange Facebook this this so she's
00:09:22
dialed in immediately so we get in a circle the idea and then we all have a we paint the person on the opposite side
00:09:29
of you so it's kind of fun get a little paint there get the brushes I'm just I'll jump ahead I'm
00:09:35
easily the worst my brother Brian was better than I thought he's it shows a lot of Personality like people he was
00:09:42
more abstract you know drawing eyes to start with a portrait is horrible idea
00:09:49
unless you're Kevin nean or someone that's really good at this you know no yeah it's it's impossible and you look
00:09:54
like a [ __ ] [ __ ] and I think it should be a joke on a date where the guy
00:09:59
is so bad that the girl loses interest in him because he's so bad like you're
00:10:05
just like oh you have no Talent at all there's nothing going on in your head because they were horrible now Harpers
00:10:10
was pretty good I actually have Harpers I she had to draw me and do you have
00:10:15
that can we this is just watercolor waterolor stare I got a brown a little
00:10:22
this Harper draws it just she's 16 within like five minutes let me see
00:10:27
we're just going to pop it up we'll clean clean this up later mhm okay that's not bad right it's cute that's
00:10:34
pretty good yeah that is absolutely that good yeah yeah I like that and she signed it and so that listen you got a
00:10:40
little blue in the eyes you got a little yeah she got some got your hair generous with the hair yeah yeah and cheeks you
00:10:46
know she's discolor things you know that's C blending there's a lot of literally the art teacher walking around
00:10:53
going oh Harper I like this I like the blood I like the way you it went me she goes okay and she keeps walking has
00:10:59
nothing to say other than like it's too much wrong to even get there's nothing to even help just keep moving so anyway
00:11:08
we did that and then my mom though my mom I have to tell you when I come in I've told her maybe 1,000 times I'm
00:11:16
leaving at the end of this art thing so I have to go to the airport I don't want to fly on Sunday it's going to be Saturday night right I've told her
00:11:23
honestly 1,200 times I walk in she goes Brian just told me you're leaving today you're not aru I go I'm not leaving now
00:11:31
at at the end of the two hour no oh my God she goes It's So Classic mom and I
00:11:38
go mom do you step on a rusty nail are you okay she goes oh you said you'd stay another chiz lie I go no Mom I have it's
00:11:47
not a show business Li oh yes you're so where's the Davey I used to know I go
00:11:54
I'm just leaving one day early cuz it's too hard to fly in a Sunday she was oh yeah you have to get back to a freak
00:12:03
off I go why I wish no Hollywood turn you into a freak off supposed to ride
00:12:11
yeah ride bikes with the neighbor kids I promise I want to hold you and rock you
00:12:17
yeah she does she's like that's cute I like her and her friends gave me a present it's always odd I I don't know
00:12:24
what to do with presents anyway I'm like you can't get someone a present they gave me a present this is for your
00:12:31
birthday from July anyway anyway my mom kept
00:12:36
going and then I go I got a half hour left no like she's I go Mom are you William defo at the end of platoon
00:12:44
like getting shot your mom turned into William defo I
00:12:50
see it yeah remember in platoon he gets shot from the back he goes a
00:12:57
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00:15:01
yeah all right this is Master Class Dana and this is a gift that is really like
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an interesting thing to give someone because unique gifts are where it's at
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lasts a lifetime you can't do better than master class I mean first of all you learn from the best obviously they
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invaluable gift because it is yeah learn from any Master Class instructor anywhere on your phone on a computer on
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your TV I'm just looking again of course Steve Martin we love you know basically a private
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teacher um Helen mirin pen and Teller if you like magic there's so many that would that would be
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cool I didn't know they were on that's that' be a great one i' love to learn some magic from them yeah Ken
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Burns uh for documentaries how to do a documentary that fantastic FC they have
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so many good I mean even Mariah Carey and it's just so many so many people she
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got Amy perer she does uh improv how to overcome your fears people always ask
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about improv and it is tough MH but you can learn some tricks how to turn your
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passions into out achievements oh yeah listen I think uh
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well I use this I know you've done it and uh mhm 88% of members feel that Master Class has made a positive impact
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on their lives I I agree with that oh absolutely yeah it's a it's a great thing you should really give it as a
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gift because it's so uh userfriendly little bite-sized videos really clear
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too shabby like to know how to shoot like him yeah shoot from half court and don't look yeah no risk every membership
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fly masterclass.com sfly oh my mom also goes go eat the
00:17:22
cheese no she didn't say that she goes did you take a bite of what's out back I go no she goes oh
00:17:29
Davey I can't believe you're leaving I just got it in the mail I go sorry I can't eat the food you just got in the
00:17:35
mail whatever the [ __ ] that means oh I just got it the mail it's ready I go
00:17:42
what this podcast can we get her on this podcast she goes go eat it I go out
00:17:47
there there's crackers in a big circle of something of Gunk and I go is it cheese she goes taste it I know just
00:17:55
what am I getting into should I is it melted is it hot is it cold I don't know
00:18:01
I so I go out there and it's honestly I couldn't tell you I I dug in it kind of broke the cracker and I'm like and I
00:18:08
faked and I went and I go not bad just a generic answer she was right I know my
00:18:15
my mother-in-law was eating it's kind of a paste but it's made from pigs feet and this is not a joke sick not a joke so I
00:18:22
was trying to think of things that she would go oh and I go yeah they um
00:18:27
cockroach feet take just the feet of a cockroach and they grind them up and create kind of a a jam or a peanut
00:18:34
butter spread she was like oh that sounds okay and then they take the abdomen of the cockro
00:18:42
abdomen yeah what they do I know I just wanted to get a reaction like hey you know but you know what and she's like
00:18:48
oh interesting yeah you know you know I ran
00:18:54
into uh in a car in a parking lot in LA mm-m your doctor's nurse and she got out
00:19:00
and she goes oh you hit my quarter fanel I have to
00:19:05
tell the doct I go the doctor or the insurance the doctor first oh I called I
00:19:14
actually talk to her today about another thing what she said she said she's so
00:19:21
sweet she goes I was the doctor prescribes me a thing where he has to talk to me twice a year like still good
00:19:28
you all right nothing crazy a common medication yeah so I noticed that he
00:19:34
called me a couple weeks ago and just left a voicemail I missed the call so I told her today I said I missed the call
00:19:40
from from doctor from the doctor and she she said l oh but you were supposed to
00:19:46
talk to the doctor and I go I know but I missed the call so I didn't patient oh
00:19:53
so you didn't talk to the doctor I'm going to have to make another
00:19:59
appointment when are you available and I got it went on and on it's a real
00:20:04
conundrum she doesn't know what to do with those she wants to do a good job yeah and she she doesn't want to get
00:20:10
[ __ ] canned then I said I'm doing a thing called Superfly with David Spade oh David Spade I remember him from the
00:20:20
movie Dicky Robert and I the grab bag that sure was
00:20:26
a funny movie and she goes oh oh it made me laugh so hard crickets for Dicky
00:20:33
Roberts no someone's trying to call me I thought I thought you had some some kind of sound effects come back and get Dane
00:20:39
on here I can't find him I disaar yeah this happened the other day
00:20:45
what am I supposed to do I'll go to that [ __ ] also Heather's got something to show you send that to Greg that thing
00:20:51
I'll show them what you made oh my book no really yeah you want to I think it's interesting Heather has
00:20:58
a book book and no one told me oh my mom had too many dogs at Thanksgiving dinner
00:21:03
where she had her dogs and my brother had two dogs and so they're all circling under the table like sharks you know and
00:21:10
they're kind of nipping and biting I don't realize my mom's feeding her whole turkey whole dinner to them under the
00:21:15
table so once they get fed they're like tangled up my legs I'm like hey beat it you know I don't want to sound mean I
00:21:20
love dogs but give us eight minutes where the dogs aren't barking at each other and doing territorial games and SC
00:21:29
okay here's a here's a mic drop on this one so so I metaphorical cigar so I'm in
00:21:34
the white house having dinner my wife and I with George senior the president of United
00:21:40
States the time and his wife Barbara and the dog Ranger kept coming around
00:21:46
looking for food so I was kind of sneaking some food to the dog and then at one point the president just said
00:21:53
don't don't feed the dog and I literally said yes sir I won't
00:22:01
but I didn't know is the dog so cute like yeah they like it then you leave
00:22:06
and now they're yeah and then they're not your friend also before we get to this next subject did you send it in did
00:22:13
okay uh we have we did I don't know if you read but hunter Biden your guy Joe Biden has a son named Hunter and he got
00:22:20
uh left left free pardon did he start jail yet or not he
00:22:25
hasn't started yet no he never he's not going to jail he was but was he about to um maybe it was a he had the trial
00:22:35
and then it t the legal system takes so long I mean it you know but but it was
00:22:42
potential that he might so as a as a good
00:22:47
dad pardons are here yeah and you know Hunter was like I
00:22:53
didn't do one thing I don't know what they're talking about this is so nuts literally I did not nothing I don't get
00:23:03
and he goes I saw those 75 videos dad that's so funny that's AI That's AI when
00:23:10
I was doing standup here and there there were no comedy clubs not like when you started
00:23:17
in San Francisco I would still do the Nixon I would say Richard Nixon was seening at a shopping mall elbowing
00:23:25
people intentionally and then saying pardon me and that was the whole bit cuz he was
00:23:32
famously that's not bad he pardoned a lot of people right well he got pardoned by Gerald Ford for
00:23:39
the ohon about they say people like Clinton probably Trump who knows that
00:23:45
they just they just have a laundry list when they leave it's like John Stewart had a good joke last night Robert Smo
00:23:52
was telling me it was sort of like the pardon goes back for 10 years so anything Hunter Biden has done since
00:23:58
2014 is expunged if there's anything and then he goes to his dad after the pardon
00:24:04
uh you know I think uh maybe just do it through New Year's because he's planning
00:24:09
on maybe having a big party or something dad could you extend it forward like 10 days that but I think that 10 years
00:24:17
covers Joe Biden too no come on let me be serious I do
00:24:23
I'm not getting around here and furthermore and furthermore
00:24:28
let's let let me be clear what the people are saying this isn't rocket science let's get serious
00:24:35
I'm not kidding around here and by the way guess what yeah that's all I that's all I have five catchphrases I repeat
00:24:41
them every Saturday night we'll see what I do tomorrow night
00:24:49
oh yeah it is tomorrow whoops finally finally we got it right excuse me excuse
00:24:55
me sir who's the host go um I know Paul
00:25:01
mcal Paul mcow uh or it's
00:25:07
mcale Paul mcal and Gracie Abrams is the musical guest who is JJ Abrams the
00:25:15
famous director movie Producers daughter no way way I didn't know you said it was
00:25:22
this guy's girlfriend around together girlfriend says mescall oh mescall yeah
00:25:28
yeah um that's his girlfriend dummy you got to wake up you got to know what's going on oh really is that the
00:25:35
connection are you serious starting to get it well well well we like ourselves
00:25:41
don't we we made a fun one we feel just a little bit
00:25:47
Superior that special who got who into the show did they get her and she said I
00:25:53
want the dude to but let's wind back this for a second so they're literally dating he so one got and then and then
00:26:00
could my boyfriend be in or could my girlfriend be in yeah that's what I'm asking you which one did what plot
00:26:05
thickening I'm gonna I'm gonna do a deep dive on this and get back to you on the next Superfly yeah come some come up
00:26:14
with some blabbing and yapping I kind of I think I'm kind of getting in a church lady mood I kind of feel like she's got
00:26:19
to come back you know you could do it well well well Mr P Mr P Diddy we like
00:26:27
we like lotions and oil did they do any Puff Daddy stuff on there not that I maybe update jokes but
00:26:34
not not a church lady grilling and spanking uh okay let's show Heather made
00:26:40
this is what I was getting at oh she made over the last couple years one year
00:26:46
this whole thing this is miniature right yeah how high is it it's called a book
00:26:51
it goes in between book it's a booknook it goes in between your books and she had that looks like a movie set yeah
00:26:58
yeah it's unreal I had to glue cut out and sing she had to hand glue she had to
00:27:05
cut those little piece of paper should to glue them open them what was she following a guide how did she know how
00:27:12
to make a little tiny chair look an inkw well a book with pictures no instructions oh yeah it was a book with
00:27:18
pictures but it was foreign or something she couldn't understand she please tell me you did
00:27:24
BTS oh oh you get a piece of wood yeah what kind of mind thinks of this you
00:27:30
couldn't do it Dana well I would wonder when when Heather finally said huh I'm
00:27:36
gonna make a little miniature bookshelf thing it'll take me seven years and I'll
00:27:42
spend 2,000 hours one year but it is a lot of work all right let's get to the news before we before you have to give
00:27:49
me all your stuff mhm what's the first headline news here we go what's going on
00:27:56
in America yeah what's the h and we just talk about it okay there we
00:28:02
go oh this is the kid that trashed Walmart what would you okay how about this situation you're in Walmart
00:28:09
someone's trashing it here play the video what do you do no I don't see the parents
00:28:18
oh do you say anything well you you just go and stop
00:28:23
her immediately first thing you do is grab her everyone's saying don't stop stop her don't touch her don't do
00:28:30
anything because the parents aren't there I don't know where they are then
00:28:36
she starts breaking jars now this woman saying don't even
00:28:41
record her yeah there you go you just have to
00:28:46
kind of gently hold her are those her parents grabbing her I don't know I
00:28:52
thought yeah you just have to kind of stop her it's called a tantrum David you know you know a thing or two about that
00:28:57
your mom when I talked I do the worst [ __ ] I don't like my
00:29:03
breakfast dude when I grew up i' throw Tantrums in my house and I can get away
00:29:08
with it if I did the store it would be I would get hit by not even anyone I knew
00:29:14
someone would just hit me and everyone would applaud because back then I think you had discipline other people's kids I
00:29:20
think everyone was pretty cool because if you're going that crazy well you just
00:29:25
have to first thing you do is just got to stop it's to stop it it would make me crazy to watch that yeah yeah it just
00:29:31
you just have to kind of gently stop her from doing it if you're not the parent but you got to stop them that's my
00:29:38
opinion I I know it's a hot take it's a hot take would you do it if you were in
00:29:44
Walmart throw things around like she does no would you do the one tackling I wouldn't tackle I don't think
00:29:51
you'd have to tackler you keep saying gentle and I'm like so you tackle okay well she looked like a maybe a 50 lb
00:29:58
little girl kind of I mean it might be rough stuff for you but you know I work
00:30:03
out a lot so I could fight someone that weight 50 to 70 that's my weight class 50 to 70 I would gently have
00:30:11
gotten down and and I would have I would have said let's throw something together and so I would throw like a roast turkey
00:30:17
and I and then I would say to her you know you I owe you an ice cream let's go
00:30:23
to a Woolworth Woolworth remember W well gr
00:30:28
has them sometimes too there's random like suddenly there's an ice cream store right next to the firor that's so weird
00:30:35
I've seen that and and then the cashier to walk over and they're like hey do you have cookies and cream I'm like I gotta
00:30:41
go well can't they have a part-time employee over there like okay you're a line of 40 people I'll see you in three
00:30:48
minutes I'm going to do two double Scoops over here for a second too convenient no wonder they're going
00:30:54
bankrupt it's not the Smashing grabs it's inefficiency good Lord get with the
00:30:59
program next one get with the program
00:31:04
okay oh okay what is your take on this so DiCaprio is staying at a hotel in
00:31:10
Bali or something he is checking out the staff alerts everyone so they're all
00:31:17
waiting for him in the lobby and he ises all of them ohmighty
00:31:22
Isis they go I think that's his maybe his girl so he fakes on the phone and a
00:31:30
song how
00:31:35
do my God how embarrassing that's all for him
00:31:42
yeah oh is it a traditional reception they do I bet it's a tradition for
00:31:48
everybody who walks through
00:31:53
there they're like um he's gone and we're not even through the first verse [Applause]
00:31:59
maybe they all Watch Once Upon a Time in Hollywood he was really good in that well they all know them they're
00:32:06
probably just saying like hey can you play along what do you do Dana you goof
00:32:12
around with those people um I'm a little codependent because I'm mostly a homebody I'm not out at airports all the
00:32:18
time but I did get I think I talked about this I came off the last flight from New York at LAX and there was a big
00:32:26
smiling gang of people with all the bobbleheads and what they do is and
00:32:31
again I I just said I the thing is okay can I is there a time I can do where I I
00:32:40
I'm presenting well for the luck I've had in life and there's a time when you feel like you're being used like in the
00:32:46
olden days you'd have like an eight-year-old come up and say I I loved
00:32:52
Wayne's World could I have an autograph you know and this was you I was I'm a bit older than you and I remember
00:32:57
signing the autograph for you but but now it's become Commerce in a business but in that case with Leo being a global
00:33:06
Superstar you either kind of settle in for a half hour if you're GNA start doing pictures 45 minutes or you just
00:33:14
walk by I'd like to hear from you Mr Spade well I I do understand the people
00:33:19
at the airport don't understand why I don't like them and it's because I like
00:33:25
fans they aren't fans uh they're never happy if you stop signing and basically
00:33:31
the I say to them listen we're in a business together that I don't want to be in you I'm 50% of a business I don't
00:33:40
want to be in you you're like I went and bought this I drove I secretly found out your flight number and your frequent
00:33:47
flyer number so I know where you are at all times so I show up here in your hotel which is horri drives me nuts and
00:33:54
then I come on down here so you owe me to sign it that's your part of the deal and then I go sell it and make the money
00:34:00
I go I don't want my part and they're they're discombobulated well that's why
00:34:05
there's going to be a fight one day because these guys this guy was yelling [ __ ] you to me because I didn't sign it enough and he goes you're just standing
00:34:11
there I'm like this isn't my job I don't care if you sell that or not what are we doing here so but with DiCaprio when I
00:34:18
leave I would be like yeah I would goof around with them a little bit I you know you don't want to probably get stuck
00:34:25
with a half hour pictures if you're going to your flight but you wave and say thanks and say yeah hey I'm taking
00:34:30
off or something I would think now he's a big star he's sort of known for being
00:34:36
quiet I'm known for being loud we don't know what here what we don't really know
00:34:43
is the context of the video now he may have stayed there my words not yours for
00:34:50
a week and a half and came doing some kind of movie or commercial these big
00:34:55
movie stars do overseas so every time he went through they played that music and this was the 13th
00:35:02
time oh yeah possibly and it just went like that but I will say it's a numbers game like Taylor Swift would have uh
00:35:09
excuse me Taylor uh pardon me but there's 76,000 people outside that would like a
00:35:16
picture with you so that's an easy one you got to go underground or overground I've seen a partments in New York where
00:35:22
they line up on both sides like Taylor and they get from the car and they she just walks straight in and they all scream but you know how much does she
00:35:28
owe them at that point she's trying to get she's got to do that all day get in and out well you can't win I mean even in my little tiny world if there's 20
00:35:35
people there they'll just show me and they look you can't they're beat up hanging there for hours they show me a
00:35:41
panel it's got eight little plastic squares oh yeah that's for f and they tell me it's either a buck 50 or 250 if
00:35:48
I just go like that and so that's $10 a panel I might be able to feed my family
00:35:55
so you just you know you know they tell me I do one pick which one they go okay this uh Ben wmer is Jersey so I I signed
00:36:02
that and they go and what about this I came all the way here I go I just said one pick that one then you should have picked that one then he goes my my
00:36:08
daughter loves it and she is your biggest fan and she's holding a Funko like this and I go all right I go what
00:36:15
movies do you like little girl and she goes who the [ __ ] are you
00:36:22
okay they don't know they just grab someone and go tell this [ __ ] you want to signning he's not ask ey I guess
00:36:29
yeah she got her eyes messed up yeah poor thing you know I mean uh it's just
00:36:35
just sign this [ __ ] this guy's GNA buy me a snow cone that's the thing is I just go and then the first time I sign
00:36:41
it's a beautiful d n and by the hundredth one it's like it's just but
00:36:47
what I did this is what I did and it's GNA get worse if I say this but it's out there because I was just got bored
00:36:54
signing things so they I started doing a little quick drawing of gu so I do gu
00:37:00
and then people started to bring drum drum a tomtom drum top so hey can I get
00:37:06
a picture of gar so I start drawing these abstract pictures of gar you can see the glasses the hair and so those
00:37:12
are big and then once in a while you I'll see what your dopper is I don't know if that's the right word I'll see
00:37:19
something and they've got Mike you know it's like a Wayne's World Rolling Stone and then and then they have gar now so
00:37:26
that's like a big thing it's worth more yeah yeah so you would get that with um I get that with if they have almost
00:37:33
almost a finished Benchwarmers with yeah those guys grown-ups poster Tommy Boy
00:37:39
black sheep that stuff if if you get everybody and I get baseballs too what what are we doing with the baseball why
00:37:45
is David Spade signing baseball I don't know I don't
00:37:51
know no I get um the the Caps that men
00:37:56
wear in water I get those and I go what's the connection here guys I'm not on the Olympic team I just get jock straps I
00:38:03
get um just sign it so I can have dinner yeah no at the beginning I I do a
00:38:09
perfect D perfect cursor by the end it's just a liquid fart I go H over thing
00:38:15
okay liquid fart you top my sloppy writing God damn I hit this and yank my
00:38:22
thing anyway I'll just say it next one anyway Dana great gu
00:38:28
[Music]
00:38:36
and now a word from our sponsors at betterment do you want your money to be motivated do you want your money to rise
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visit betterment.com to get started investing involves risk performance is not guaranteed all right here we
00:39:31
go this year old girl decided to something a balloon a release a balloon
00:39:38
oh this is an interesting story okay the true story this girl releases a balloon puts her name writes a note like we all
00:39:44
all of us little girls do go ahead nyear old girl decided to release a balloon one day with her name and
00:39:50
address on a note apparently this her grandpa's idea to help her find a pen but although they figured that nothing
00:39:56
would come out of it what happened next just blew everyone's mind you see around a week after Laura buckton released her
00:40:02
balloon she suddenly got a letter from Laura buckon as it turns out after floating for more than 400 miles across
00:40:07
England her balloon had just landed in some random guy's backyard but right as this guy was about to toss it out he suddenly recognized the name somehow he
00:40:14
actually just so happened to have a neighbor named Laura buckton so he simply tried returning the balloon to her but since she had never even seen
00:40:20
this balloon before she was really confused and when this L buckon finally wrote back to the address on the Note something absolutely crazy was dis CED
00:40:27
you see not only were these two girls both Laura buckon they had the exact same eye color age and build they also owned the exact same pets a gray rabbit
00:40:34
Min Pig with a mark a three-year-old black laugh on top of that when these two girls met for the first time they somehow both wore jeans with pink
00:40:40
sweaters and brought their G both were even the exact same height of 4'7 which was really tall for their age they ended
00:40:46
up becoming close friends and still are to this day and Snopes actually verified that all these details really are true
00:40:52
they both hated Dana Carvey um I would say they're twins separated at
00:40:59
Birth or that was too many too many coincidences what's this what's this
00:41:06
Snopes what what do we have to believe about who the [ __ ] believes that I don't know what that is yeah what is that [ __ ]
00:41:12
yeah who knows what's real or not real but I believe every literally everything on Tik Tok friend I go oh my God next
00:41:18
one oh my God that's what they want I'm a good customer yeah well I'm not saying you're
00:41:24
Gable but I'm saying you might be little impressionable or easy to convince I
00:41:31
don't want to get into they have to get you in two seconds so they go this is the craziest thing I've ever heard in my
00:41:36
whole entire life and then you stay and they go let me back up I was born and
00:41:43
then you go then they don't they want to keep you on for as long as you can stand it I know see we're not we don't Harbor
00:41:51
in that kind of stuff maybe because uh we went to State School on this podcast
00:41:56
with like teaser are by lines and controversies and guess what David Spade
00:42:02
says yeah we we just kind of start yappen and hope for the numbers I just put up a Tik Tok and a bombed all right
00:42:09
so okay we'll go to the next one that was just sort of a human interest story I thought it was sweet
00:42:14
really oh this is classic dude man sent his fames
00:42:21
$550,000 savings to a streamer so she would call him bro now talk about
00:42:27
sounding [ __ ] dumb and fake and look at this bro that's not the real guy
00:42:32
bro well what would she would she call him bro for a 100,000 how did he get 550
00:42:39
how about $5,000 to call me and say bro come meet me at the airport like they do
00:42:44
and give me a little taste you know wet the beak I'll say bro I'll say so she turned down 540,000 get the [ __ ] out of
00:42:52
here I gave you the number it's 550 so anyway how'd you like to uh the family where's 550 I just wanted
00:43:01
to hear her call me bro yeah something's wrong financially ruined the family and
00:43:07
they're surviving on Plain buns what are the odds that the person or the entity
00:43:14
that called him was not an AI so he just gave over a half million to an AI oh
00:43:20
that would be worse at least he's really buttering up this girl but some of these
00:43:25
girls make so much money I mean they f in a jar I don't want a grocery up but there's just things they do and it just
00:43:30
makes money and we're sitting here busting our humps I've always said it
00:43:36
just watch the technology the technology begats the behavior I mean the fir
00:43:41
world's first Telegraph the first message was Kansas City we need food the second
00:43:48
message was Kansas City what's your name what are you wearing touch yourself that was
00:43:57
I mean touch yourself Dana that's a little risky that's a little touchy for me no I I think that's a little frisky
00:44:04
this is a longer bit I'll just do the first part but I it was a flight of fancy in my head that what was the
00:44:11
world's first phone sex because phones when they came into the home was were like operator get me L fall fall seven
00:44:18
you know those little oldfashioned phones the world's first phone SE sex would have been awkward because they
00:44:24
wouldn't know so it's like hello hello H ma ma it's pa pa what
00:44:30
are you calling me for I got 10 kids I got to make dinner what are you doing well ma was down at the five and Diamond
00:44:37
I saw a lady mannequin wearing nothing but her under things and and it got a fell thinking Ma what are you yapping
00:44:44
about for what do you mean what you were thinking well Ma I wondered what kind of pantaloon you're wearing today
00:44:51
Pon well if you must know I'm wearing my Carter Spanky briefs oh I was hoping
00:44:57
you'd wear those cator print pantaloons I got you in Dodge City last year and that's part of the bit I don't want to
00:45:04
do that I like it kept going Dodge City she went he went all the way to Dodge
00:45:09
City flannel pandaloon yeah and she gets on her high horse and then she wasn't
00:45:15
really going with it Paul did you have a 5cent beer cuz you sound drunk no ma I
00:45:21
had a two cent beer I'm not drunk I got an old school boner I got
00:45:28
and don't yell at me about it so anyway that's that that kind of stuff so but long story short today in the digital
00:45:35
world women uh and men but especially women and with only fans are able to
00:45:41
monetize how men are just sort of helpless helpless fools men are the
00:45:47
worst I mean my God who's worst the one asking the money greasy
00:45:53
stupid fools horny greas
00:45:58
stupid and willing to depart with cash no joke dude my God no joke I'm not
00:46:05
getting around here lean in set me up set me up with my with my Joey with my
00:46:12
Joey Katie used to say no joke that's right I stole I want to challenge you
00:46:17
okay so Carson Johnny Carson's alive today and he's going to do a monologue joke about Hunter Biden being pardoned
00:46:25
okay go oh you one I don't know did you read this today Ed I don't know if you
00:46:30
read this Hunter Biden the one who was having sex with
00:46:36
his brother's wife uh he's gotten himself in in a bit of a
00:46:43
pickle I heard I heard a rumor yeah L okay someone got into his diary and
00:46:50
found all sorts of unsavory things so apparently Hunter b gets uh got pardoned
00:46:56
by his father and it was quite controversial because apparently he was uh under the charges of being drunk and
00:47:01
holding a gun on a Saturday night and shooting it off in the neighborhood uh obviously it was just another night with
00:47:10
Ed Don Rickles over there and said shoot me and I'll eat a cookie yeah yeah Ed's in the corner you
00:47:17
know Ed the show started a half hour ago give him a cookie pack him in ice and put him put him in a home I like pack
00:47:23
him in ice pack him in ice oh the show started oh Frank Sinatra baboon gold no I love
00:47:30
Rickles but Johnny Johnny Caron um what's another I can't think of a good one I know that's a hard one what's a
00:47:36
news story Heather Greg nobody oh no any news story don't
00:47:43
abduct as much oh she said alien stories are all over Instagram and Tik Tok but
00:47:48
they don't talk about the abductions as much they used to it's more just sightings which is a valid
00:47:55
point behind but I think they do have when people disappear I think a lot of it's I think we have a deal with the
00:48:02
aliens where we give them some and they give us some technology there I said it
00:48:07
um the last time I saw something that really um looked truly alien was Bill the plumber fixing the uh
00:48:15
fausset and that crack was as long as an alien spaceship sorry longer than San
00:48:24
Andreas I dated a a woman named San Andreas a while back and she said everything wasn't her fault yo it's not
00:48:33
bad I actually came up with a joke God damn we just stumbled into one all right let's do one more is there
00:48:39
anything one more This Dana L down this laa this is cute this is the world's
00:48:47
first horse mixed with something else let's see it do you think this is mortally ethical there's a ranch in in
00:48:54
Casper Wyoming I almost said Lara sorry laramy it's ining um and they hybred this animal
00:49:02
between two different animal species and I want to see if you can guess which two animal species uh you think it is so the
00:49:09
first one obvious is a horse got the um so its mother was a horse they
00:49:16
were surprised that it came out looking exactly like a horse given who its father was now let's see if you can
00:49:21
guess who the father a giraffe yep uh they did breed it with a giraffe um and
00:49:26
not much came out from the draff besides two things one is the neck is longer than the average horse you can you know
00:49:32
you can measure it right here it definitely is longer but second pretty obvious the pattern right got the draft
00:49:38
pattern it's a little bit different um but it is beautiful they're starting to sell them they're very expensive they're
00:49:44
almost a million dollars a pop but are we are we messing around with nature too much or am I just being too sensitive
00:49:51
we're messing around too much what yeah it's a little weird yeah it's very weird
00:49:56
don't he that Ed they uh what they did was they got a giraffe to make Whoopi with a uh with a horse and uh and the
00:50:04
only thing that came out was um the horse could not reach the Apple in the tree he was frustrated that its neck
00:50:10
wasn't longer sorry it's been a long day I drove three and a half hours I apologize
00:50:16
to our audience did that horse's neck really look longer didn't it didn't and it wasn't breed with a all gross yeah it
00:50:24
wasn't bred with a giraffe and was no it's all made listen to Dana's made up
00:50:32
it's made up they have a funny made up and they're trending with fake news it's
00:50:40
I know it's fake story most of our stories are made up on
00:50:46
this was that a good enough one to end with let's do one more sorry in case we have one more let's yeah let's do a closer this is called the closer okay oh
00:50:53
this drives me nuts this is at our God dang mall we go to to Sentry City what
00:50:58
would you do Heather I was oh she was there for a smash and grab she did
00:51:04
nothing oh you were okay they were laughing and stealing
00:51:09
everything now these guys in their motorcycles just picture wouldn't that scare you they're like running you know
00:51:17
yeah when they go they come in numbers is sort of the the threatening
00:51:22
threatening Motif I mean look at the guy that writes
00:51:31
oh I didn't see that I don't like it I just don't like that crime [ __ ] that's
00:51:36
like it's a little bit like clockwork orang for the three people who get the reference and it's too accepted they're
00:51:41
like hey you know here's what you should do when you get robbed here's what you should do when they smash your store it's like how about we have them not do
00:51:48
that how how why are why are the store owners the problem like you should pay to get more you should pay to get
00:51:54
thicker glass no how about arrest somebody instead of yeah because we went through this I we went through the
00:52:00
Lawless West where 20 Cowboys would come and shoot their
00:52:07
guns and everyone would cower you know we'll be back tomorrow and I hope you
00:52:12
have that bag of gold right but then they'd fix them then we went through Law
00:52:18
and Order and stop it or freeze and all that stuff and now we're right back to Wild Wild West up there on
00:52:24
motorcycles I mean God dang it's just like everywhere you go they're boarding up somewhere someone else lost their
00:52:30
whole business you go what would it sound like when they were boarding
00:52:35
up hang on what did you say what oh we're gonna have to okay uh
00:52:44
this okay we got to oh she's she's going to shoot hoops try to hit this basketball trip
00:52:51
okay okay a three-pointer for shot number two we're going back really
00:52:57
perfect shot keep going back up okay this is one shot shot number
00:53:05
two okay Dana uh she shot number three we're going back even further shot I
00:53:12
think it's real it looks good if it's fake that's a tough one that's the
00:53:21
triple she didn't even act like it was a big deal Chris Farley's sister
00:53:27
you see that St and that's the triple well if that's real hats off I'd say
00:53:32
that that's that's that a good one a lot of practice she spends a lot of time
00:53:38
doing how many thousands of takes in the thousands what would it be uh it took two years to get that video for you to
00:53:45
do it how many years how long it take Heather what would be the hardest one oh would be
00:53:50
other in the dollhouse times how long was the dollhouse year it seemed like the Frisbee would be the one but cuz she
00:53:57
banked it yeah you could do it an angle but still yeah I would have to you know
00:54:02
maybe it was an optical illusion like the basket was like eight feet across or something I bet I could do the football
00:54:08
one
00:54:14
first yeah sure football
00:54:19
yeah I look like gerit today it's Prada you like Prada I have a shirt just like that
00:54:25
except mine's expensive hey handsome and this is your guide through
00:54:32
the Lexicon that is show business I see all your money is not going back in the wardrobe
00:54:38
okay oh you hate money that's okay so people like it Dana likes it Rob low
00:54:44
likes it I said I know robo's every other
00:54:49
billboard good for all right trying to wait on this kick that Heather's sending we might have to start with it next week
00:54:55
because oh I went to the doctor today Dan so I'm feeling a little Goosey
00:55:01
still are you feeling still like gave you a little little M or something it's still a little wussy well they they just
00:55:07
checked they just I don't think it's a bad deal they injected me with the dye
00:55:13
or something heroin yeah and they said um but when they do it you can't eat
00:55:19
which I don't like I have a little blood sugar so I don't like to not eat so I go I got to get right in there and just do
00:55:25
it but they have to put the uh stickers on me you know mhm yeah for they didn't make me take off my shirt but of course
00:55:31
she goes up to my neck under my shirt she like okay where are your pecs I'm like you're close just stick did they
00:55:38
shave your chest they shaved my pubes for a even though they didn't put any elaph thing
00:55:46
down there I didn't want to make any waves I just said do what you got to do and then they put uh they put the the
00:55:51
stickers on and they changed them they weren't like perfect they look at the Monitor and go they changed maybe 45
00:55:57
times I kept going have you guys done this before what what's going on they're like we just got to get a good
00:56:03
connection it's like a car battery they're like n n n I'm like because they kept going then you go in there and then
00:56:08
we inject your veins with dye and I'm like then it feels very weird it it's a
00:56:16
little warm really warm really warm I didn't want to telling headach mhm and
00:56:23
the pup tent they said was not related so you got kind of turned they injected
00:56:29
you with Seas yeah I go is there any V let's go to gas station grab a boner
00:56:36
pill by the I like when they're right by the cashier you know when you go
00:56:44
to I didn't notice that and they go herbal vagra huh rod for the road maybe
00:56:50
where you going Irvine maybe little boner for no reason I'm like throw one in yeah I want
00:56:58
out you're in a lot of Quick Stop gas station places with all kinds of
00:57:03
synthetic brief jerky how do you like it it's it's four it's 4% actual beef beef
00:57:08
jerky it's synthetic all right I'll tell you more about stuff going y want to know what
00:57:15
the results of the test was oh yeah me too I'll read them live on the air like
00:57:25
Mory this is me making a shot kicking a Tito's bottle when I was on
00:57:32
lights out one try one try my girl's G wild hat Chris Rock and
00:57:39
I did a gig that's but did it go somewhere you just kicked oh you just kicked it off this is like for charity I
00:57:45
did a thing where I could do a spin kick and kick off the little top of a Tito's
00:57:50
bottle did you need to have to ice down after that low stance and the physical show it again actually let show it
00:57:57
again ready oh God it starts too fast you can't even get your bearings H doue
00:58:04
I have the exact same shoes on right now um that was me
00:58:11
going mustache is pretty meager I mean meager tspy mustache is a little
00:58:19
yeah a little light but I pulled my hamstring my quad my Thor
00:58:27
let's bring lights out back that was a fun show it was fun we might might but
00:58:33
next time don't call a show lights out because good night Mr Spade it's like
00:58:38
calling a show cancelled you know I might have my new haircut next week I'll tell you I'll let you know are you
00:58:44
really you're not serious about that you're not I'm trying I think I'm cutting the side from like
00:58:50
here off what do you mean like so you'll have a little bit of like a crew cut
00:58:56
just stubble around your ear I think I've seen that style but not on anyone
00:59:01
over 30 years old well you can do it if you're a pop
00:59:07
star but no Dana I'll tell you it it's going to be great all right I got to go I got so many things going got all this
00:59:14
dye in me this has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly is executive produced
00:59:21
by Dana Carvey and David Spade Jenna Weiss Burman of Odyssey Heather Santoro and Greg holon
00:59:27
hope you liked it m [Music]
