00:00:00
Hi, David. Sorry, I came in mids sentence. I'm just kind of peacocking in my coat
00:00:06
right now. Don't worry about it. You like this [ __ ] I'm organizing my hair to make it look
00:00:12
disorganized. Nice. Here's what I say when I have a nice
00:00:17
coat on. I go, "Oh, here's actually a good one Gervid says to me when I have a coat on." He
00:00:23
goes, "I got one just like that, except mine's expensive." Well, what why should he tease the
00:00:30
client that he has more money? It's so true. The god dang agents and managers are richer than their clients.
00:00:36
It's sickening. Hey man, it all goes back to Colonel Tom Parker.
00:00:42
Yeah, Elvis busting his hump. Elvis, let's get back out there.
00:00:47
I don't want to do 700 dates, Colonel. I'm already 525 pounds.
00:00:53
Oh, Elvis, now you let me take care all that flabble fling flingle. You go up
00:00:59
and the people love it. Wow. I always wonder what it was like when they first revealed to him the white jumpsuit.
00:01:08
You know, we got something in mind for your next headline date. Don't take He
00:01:15
pulls a black leather jacket. No. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Uh, why
00:01:21
look like a circus clown? What's with the bell bottoms? Well, bell bottoms are what all the kids are doing. Well, I got
00:01:27
a I got a belt buckle. Looks like a dinner plate. It You need a big belt ble
00:01:33
cuz you're the king. Yeah. If it catches a glare, it's going
00:01:39
to knock out the driver of Atlas 31i. Christ sakes. Okay. What did he play in
00:01:46
the end of the time there? Circus. Circus. Was that it? put uh put the king of rock up in some kind of netting
00:01:53
device so that the gamblers can look up and see have a pastrami sandwich coated
00:01:59
with vicodin. All right, good. You know, I was staying at Circus Circus and my buddy works there.
00:02:05
And he said they built a new tower. He goes, "You know what it's going to be called? Circus. Circus Circus." And I go,
00:02:11
"Oh, really?" And he goes, "Guess what we have coming in 2029?" I go, "Circus,
00:02:16
Circus, Circus." He goes, "Who the [ __ ] told you?" I go, "Uh, I know one. I was just guessing." And he
00:02:22
goes, "No, did someone leak that?" Cuz we signed an NDA. I go, "Well, it really couldn't be any other name."
00:02:29
That's so funny. That's my old act. When you go to Vegas, like I'd always be
00:02:34
like, "Oh, they've seen my act, right?" So then you'd go do crowd work and you say, "Where you're staying
00:02:41
and they say, I'm at the you." And you go, "What a [ __ ] hole." That's a huge laugh. I'm at the Hilton. Oh, that's a
00:02:47
[ __ ] hole. But anyway, but I used to go they said circus circus and I go that's lousy lousy standing ovation.
00:02:53
Shut of I'm stealing that. It's gone. I forgot I met you. I stole it.
00:02:58
Put it in the lock box. Slow motion of the audience after hearing lousy lousy.
00:03:07
Then they butter their hands and go.
00:03:14
People think we're either hamming it up or we're punchy. I'd say we're punchy. Dude, I just landed, dude.
00:03:21
Mhm. First of all, I will tell you how Wait, what's my other story?
00:03:27
You're like, just say your stupid Well, no, I want to hear it. I know you I know you flew in here for just to do
00:03:33
this podcast and you fly out in 20 minutes, so I need to know. It's called Married to work and how much
00:03:40
I give a care and nobody else cares. I I care. Too deep. That's my crime.
00:03:46
I don't understand a word you're saying. I know. I look kind of cool. This is my coat I
00:03:52
wore in the special. Nobody cares. This is the coat. Yep, it is. Huh.
00:03:57
Well, I do think the dandelion uh outfit was your
00:04:05
wasn't bad, right? I thought it was good. Yeah. Dandelion has sort of swept the nation
00:04:11
like the hula hoop. like everyone we it it's kind of fading now, but everyone got into it. Everyone was all over it.
00:04:17
It was Tik Tok trending all this clips, but it's fading out. Um, I will tell you
00:04:24
that I'll tell you quickly about my boring flight. Mhm. So, I took a flight. I went to Arizona.
00:04:30
My brother's in the hospital, so sending him good vibes by brother Brian. So, I went to see him, came back,
00:04:37
and uh you know what JSX is? Do you know those letters when they're used in that order?
00:04:43
Mhm. Well, I don't know what it means. Jumper seat X-rated. What? I don't know what it mean. Jet Sweet X.
00:04:49
I think I jet sweet. So, it's like they get a GFream. They see get an 18seater Gulf
00:04:54
Stream type or 15seater and you pay a certain amount a little extra and you
00:05:00
can go to a pro. It's like you get to Vegas fast. You go to like it's sort of I think
00:05:06
their motto is for the almost rich. So you go and you take
00:05:11
Southwest flight, but it's you just go to the hanger. There's no TSA. You just walk right on. You be there. You get
00:05:17
there 15 minutes before. So it's a little more cakewalk. So anyway, I land,
00:05:24
I I go grab my bags. It's very casual. They just throw them off the plane. You
00:05:30
just grab your own and get out. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. It's Yeah. And so, of course, cuz I'm such a fragile dandelion, I
00:05:36
I have too many bags. So, I grab the big one and I give my little one a ride on it.
00:05:42
That's pretty smart. But I have one old SNL bag that is too heavy to carry all
00:05:48
of them. So, I go, I'll come back for this one. So, I tell someone to guard it. That's like you're at the beach. Watch my stuff. You know that old
00:05:55
like they're legally responsible now. Mhm. So, I go I'm taking it by my wheels and I'm like
00:06:01
I literally go, "These aren't glass anymore. These wheels on my luggage are so kick-ass that it's so smooth now." I
00:06:09
went all these years without it and it's like ice skating through and it was going and I go, "No, it's kind of
00:06:15
catching." And I go, "I need a little WD40 on these." But I said, "No time for that." I get it
00:06:23
out to the car. Some guy is there. He goes, "Actually, I'll throw these on. Go get your other bag." So, I do that. He throws them on.
00:06:30
That's a big clue of the story. I'm I I'm just going to say it. I'm
00:06:36
riveted. Glued to the set. Wheels on a suitcase. First time only.
00:06:42
Welcome to the 21st century. No, I'm These are good ones for the first time. Oh, good ones. Not We had a great
00:06:49
sponsor at Great Wheels. Going every direction. You want to go this way or you want to go that way? Let's do either. Oh, it's unbelievable.
00:06:55
You spin it. Yeah. It's incredible. Cuz usually if they're all like a skateboard, then you take a left and they go clunk and it falls over.
00:07:00
Oh, no. No. Yeah. If they're 360. Yeah. Then you just Yeah. Okay. This is something we stole from the aliens. This is why I believe that
00:07:06
documentary. Okay. So, we do that. I'm like, I get in my boiling hot car, boil,
00:07:13
sizzle, drive. Mhm. I get about 12 to 14 in.
00:07:19
Heather calls. She doesn't always call. Heather calls. Heather calls. You're driving from the
00:07:25
airport to What's there to talk about? Scary. Scary. Something's up.
00:07:30
Oh, it's like she needs something or Yeah. Okay, got it. Instead of texting or boxering me, I go
00:07:38
for Dicky. And she if I see Heather's name on my phone, I slam it against the wall as hard as I
00:07:44
can. Why? You know it's trouble. I don't know. It just sounded funny to say that.
00:07:49
You slam on your brakes because you know, don't go any farther till you hear this call. All right. So, I pull over. I go,
00:07:57
"What up?" Whoop whoop. Okay. I sometimes go like this. Cello.
00:08:02
That's not bad. So, anyway, I go, "What?" And she says, "Um, do you think you have your right
00:08:09
suitcase?" Oh, she's that quick that you took the wrong
00:08:17
one from the JSX jet. Talk about Missy. I got the wrong and I
00:08:22
go, "Wow, I bet I do because my wheels weren't gliding on the way out. I had some dog [ __ ] mags on them."
00:08:29
I was like, "Oh, your spider sense. This is this a little rough." But I was, you know, everyone
00:08:36
piece of me. I'm running. How long how many minutes are you away from the jet
00:08:41
when you get the Heather call? 12 to 14. Oh, well, she's a little slow for her. So, I got to flip a [ __ ] No, it's not
00:08:47
really. She was no hero. Let's be They called her then. She called you. I still call that
00:08:53
a hero. We don't need another hero apparently that song, but we got one.
00:08:59
So, I flip a [ __ ] as they say in the movies. And uh and I and I'm not stoked, but I go back.
00:09:08
Oh, I do jump out and look even though I know for sure. And it was like Bill Squanker. I'm like, "Oh, this guy's
00:09:14
going to be." So I go back there and I go, "Hey, it's all good. I'm famous. Everything's fine.
00:09:19
I'm famous." That's what I do when I walk up to like a scene of a crime or a fire or a car crash. They got the tape.
00:09:25
I go, "It's okay. Every let me I'm famous. It's okay." I always do the same thing, too. If anyone any cop I go I know David Spade.
00:09:32
I know David Spade, you know, let me through. Let me through. I did get pulled over here. I think I
00:09:37
said that on previous coming up here going up the highway and then woo woo woo. And the guy came
00:09:42
around. He looked at me. You know, this doesn't happen to me very often. I was lucky he recognized me. I was shocked.
00:09:48
We took selfies. You go, you know, go a little easy on the pedal. How fast was I
00:09:53
going? 200. No, he said like it was a cheesy. I was like 72 and a 65.
00:10:01
You're not going to pull me over that [ __ ] So you go back and then what what what's what's the mic drop on this? What's the
00:10:08
next twist? I think this is known as fizzling out on a story. So
00:10:14
okay, I've got a 30 second. I go there and the lady's there and I go, "Hey,
00:10:20
I go, we can flip." I jump out. I think she's just going to flip them and she just stands
00:10:26
chewing her cud. I go, "Okay, it's gonna be muscles." So, I pick their 50tonon
00:10:33
bag. I would have known it when I threw it in. It was so heavy. I go, "What do you got here?" Kettle bell selection.
00:10:38
No, wait. What do you got in here? Kettle bell collection. God dang, I almost had it. And then, um, what do you
00:10:45
got in here? Baby's first bricks. What'd you put in your bag? Arnold. I mean, you got him trapped.
00:10:53
Let me out of here. Let me out of here. But I was living that.
00:10:59
I'm in the wrong van. I knew it the whole time.
00:11:06
Can I tell you my 30 secondond story or or you need No, that's pretty fizzled out. I milked it dry.
00:11:12
I don't like to fly like you. I've been in you turbulence where everything's bouncing, the cart's flying, hitting the
00:11:17
ceiling, and you're like just totally calm. Me trust Mr. Pilot Man. You're like a 5-year-old. Pilot Man will take
00:11:24
care of us. I'm too I have too much turbulent too much information. So, I get on a
00:11:29
plane in Vegas. And then they come on and they go and I check the luggage, believe it or not. They go, "Uh, we this
00:11:36
plane is not going anywhere, folks. We're going to have to have you depart and we're going to have to get another
00:11:41
plane and and bring it here." So, usually when things go bad, they stay bad. When things go good, they stay
00:11:46
good. So, I go, I got to I'm getting off the plane. I'm not taking I'm I'm getting out of here.
00:11:52
So, she goes, "Well, your bags are checked." and going over there. I'm getting out of here. You know what I
00:11:57
mean? So, she said, "All right." No, she did go, "Okay, you did the church lady or
00:12:02
did you do the Hollywood Minute?" I I did them both.
00:12:08
So, she let you off the plane. She let me off the plane and she got went down, found my bag, and got it out to baggage
00:12:15
claim. Within five minutes, I have my bag. I'm not going to deal with the
00:12:20
airport anyway. I've already called a travel agent. I have an SUV waiting for me. Within 12 minutes of sitting on the
00:12:28
plane, I guess we're going to start flying pretty soon. I was on the freeway and I could see the plane and they could
00:12:35
probably heard me, but I honked and flipped them off. [ __ ] you. Why was I mad at them?
00:12:43
Because they almost took you down. But you know, I'm I'm spontaneous like that. The pilot said this.
00:12:49
All right, folks. We're gonna appreciate your patience.
00:12:54
They always appreciate your patience. Patience, folks. Um,
00:13:00
we are not being let like when I went to Arizona. I get on. I'm not feeling great. I get on, slam the door. I go,
00:13:07
"Just let me get through this flight. I'm all cooped up. I don't like it." Slam. Sweating. I feel like [ __ ] for
00:13:12
some reason. Maybe hung over. And the second they lock us in, he goes, "I appreciate patience, folks. They're
00:13:19
not going to let us take off. It's some sprinkles in Scottsdale. So, uh, we're going to sit here for minimum 45.
00:13:26
And so, you can't don't stand up. We're on an active tarmac.
00:13:32
So, Spade doesn't like that. He's freaking out. And then I'm doing some deep breathing.
00:13:38
This is little kettle bells. Have you ever had this serious question? I don't know if it's funny, but right as
00:13:43
it's maybe it's kind of weather, whatever. We're all packed in. We're going and then Ryder's about to close the door. This guy comes up the aisle
00:13:50
and he's got a water bottle and he's drenched in sweat and and he just belts just bolts off the airplane and you go,
00:13:57
"What does he know?" Like final destination. He was clearly got spooked like no I'm
00:14:02
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home deserves it. And this deal ends soon. I didn't you know when my probably
00:14:40
two flights ago, this is getting extra boring, but they so yesterday two flights. I don't love.
00:14:46
He said something like he's he goes, "We've got a little thing.
00:14:51
I'm just going to have him come look." Oh, yeah. I remember I think I told you said five out of the six lights on, but one's not working
00:14:58
right. Anyway, enough of that [ __ ] Yeah,
00:15:03
that's airplane stories. Our airplane stories for you.
00:15:08
We don't even have a sponsor with a long segment. And we have a sponsor for it. What else?
00:15:15
Well, this is this is our I just uh remembered a thing. I did a sketch on SNL once and this you know this is our
00:15:22
show after Thanksgiving and Bonnie and Terry Turner really liked that. I think it did okay. You might
00:15:28
have been in it. It was just about people relatives driving into your house for Thanksgiving and there's a 25 30
00:15:35
minute conversation about which highways they took. Oh, we went on the 280 to the
00:15:41
right to the 154. And the other guy's like, "Oh, Jesus Christ. I was on the 101 and then I came down 19th Avenue.
00:15:48
Who gives a shit?" [ __ ] That one might have turned into the Californians because that was back
00:15:54
in our day, but I don't remember that one. It was maybe Yeah, that was precalifornian.
00:16:00
And so it's similar like they just talk about their boring way they got there. It is It is very true though.
00:16:05
Yeah. Californians. Uh Fred Armanson, which I always said, no, you guys took
00:16:10
it further. He said he got it from me when I used to do that kind of dude in my act like what's up, dad? That kind of
00:16:16
thing. We were we were taking a cork canyon, man. It's funny.
00:16:21
Yeah, they make it even more corkcrewed f. They make the weirdest accent that's really nothing
00:16:27
and they try to outdo each other so it's just not even English. You should probably go Venice Boulevard.
00:16:36
girls. Yeah, it's so dumb. That was from Fast Times at Ridgemont was one of the first
00:16:42
Shawn Penn doing the Malibu guy was Shawn Penn. Yeah, man. That guy has a
00:16:48
lot of range. He was so good in that freaking movie. Well, Sean, dude,
00:16:53
he said so many funny things in that movie. Yeah. Uh, what else? Tell me more. Did you see
00:17:00
Wicked? Are you still in line? What are you doing? I would it it outperformed. I was kind
00:17:06
of happy for them. What I did on a day uh where I just had a case of the fuckets, you know, just want to turn
00:17:12
everything off. I'll go to like a matinea that is empty. So, the one that
00:17:19
was playing at the time that I wanted to go that was fortunately empty was
00:17:25
Running Man. Oh, yeah. You see Running Man? I saw Running Man.
00:17:30
Did we talk about this already? I I know, but I saw it and now I've seen it and I had low expectations. I enjoyed
00:17:38
it. I thought it was really fun. You I wasn't comparing it to anything else. I I think it's a good popcorn movie. Glenn
00:17:45
Pal handles the comedy and he's he can play the action. So, I thought it was good. You know, a big part of movies is
00:17:52
not going in like this can be [ __ ] epic. You just watch it and then you know,
00:17:57
you just see it. call it funny man. I would just say this. At this point in
00:18:03
my time on the planet, I like clicking the phone off and putting it down
00:18:09
and watching a movie and no one's supposed to talk and it was the theater was empty and it's just quiet for two hours. At this point, they
00:18:16
could show me anything. I'd be kind of like I'm meditating or something. Theaters are good for that because it's
00:18:21
really the only time you try to not look at your phone and just you can't really do anything else. When I watch movies at home, I told you I tried I started watch
00:18:30
because it's a funny name. Yeah, I saw the first episode of Plurabus. You did,
00:18:37
but don't tell me anything because I got through about half of it, but I'll finish it. Well, here's my question for you. Why do
00:18:43
people see a movie that they clearly would never like when the ticket prices even for mattes are like 20 bucks? We
00:18:50
went and saw the Springsteen movie, my wife and I, and there's these two teenage girls right to the left down
00:18:57
there. They were utterly uninterested. All they did was check their phones. It was bright light and they're just
00:19:03
rolling. They look up once in a while. He born to run. They did that. Even if you're a fan, that one's a
00:19:10
shrug. How was it? Is it a bit of a snoozer? I don't know. I'm I'm always giving them
00:19:16
the benefit of the doubt. I think um it's it was a little it wasn't up. It
00:19:24
was a little kind of it was around a dark time of spring scenes. He he he wrote Nebraska did it on acoustic guitar
00:19:30
in his room. I found it interesting and I thought uh Jeremy Allen White was really great.
00:19:37
So I just how hard movies, you know, are to make. I I'll just tell this to anyone listening right now. If you want to
00:19:43
watch a great movie, it's called Heaven Can Wait. It's with Warren Batty, Diane
00:19:49
Cannon, Charles Groden. We watched it again the other night. We'll see it every night. Isn't it good? Yeah. Oh my god,
00:19:55
it's so good and it's so charming. And Charles Gro darling put there the
00:20:01
bumbling murderers and she's screaming and James Mason is sort of like a god character. It's just so good. You know,
00:20:08
I would tie in Midnight Run to that because you said Charles Groden. You killing it. Midnight Run. Yeah,
00:20:15
that's that's another one. You know, was one of the best buddy two-hander movies comedy. I mean, I
00:20:21
don't know if it's talked about enough. That one really knocked me out. Um, sometimes you see the jokes and you go,
00:20:26
"Oh, the jokes are kind of corny." You go, "No, this is where they started." There's some movies where
00:20:31
typical jokes started and you've never heard them before and then everyone does like a spin on it. But that one had a
00:20:36
lot. I did Charles Groten for a while and I actually did him on SNL when I guest hosted, but he has such a dry dead pan.
00:20:44
And he did have a funny, you know, darling, darling, you know.
00:20:49
Yeah. Oh, he Oh, what about Foul Play? Foul Play. Another one. Chevy and Goldenvy.
00:20:55
He was so good in that and so the unsung hero of that one because those two are so funny. Obviously,
00:21:01
here's an interesting thing about Charles Groden. So, he gets into the 90s and he kind of announces that just
00:21:07
generally speaking, I don't like making movies, you know, sitting around being told what to do.
00:21:13
Nah, I don't like it. He's brilliant in movies. Yeah. And and then he goes and then he does a
00:21:18
show, I think, on MSNBC, like a little talk show. Oh. And I go I go on it and he goes, "Do
00:21:24
Johnny the whole time." So it was a 20-minute interview and I just stayed in Johnny Carson the whole time.
00:21:30
Well, he is he was a bit of an odd duck because when he would maybe Letterman and he would be like he was
00:21:37
kind of mad at Letterman. I never knew if these things were a bit and it made me laugh and I'm like something's wrong.
00:21:42
But even in the movies when I was younger, I didn't know when people were so dead pan they were doing it on
00:21:48
purpose. I'm like what's going on here? Yeah, I know. And Buck Henry Henry. Yeah.
00:21:53
Oh, you know it's a great movie. While we're doing him, I'll give one vote for Man on Fire
00:22:00
drama kind of thriller. What year was that? Denzel, Dakota Fanning.
00:22:05
Oh yeah. Yeah. Chris Walkin. It's kind of a heavy movie, like a Tony Scott movie or something. It's so cool.
00:22:11
Denzel Washington is just he's the coolest. Pretty safe bet. He's the coolest because he's not really
00:22:17
out there and he's just he's tick tock every day. Jackass,
00:22:23
the equalizer and he plays it so brilliantly. He's in a cave and he's got two guys with machine guns like this.
00:22:29
He's got another guy with a gun on the gritty and he goes, "All right, this is what's going to happen in 10
00:22:35
seconds." and he starts to watch and then Oh, yeah. I love it.
00:22:40
It's so hysterical. I know. I love it. He walks in, puts his little thing. The best is when there's bad guys in the
00:22:46
room and like he comes in, they all see him and they're like Russians drinking
00:22:51
and they know there's trouble. Yeah. And he goes, "I think you're in the wrong room, friend." Friend does mean,
00:22:57
by the way, they don't mean their friends, right? And then he goes, "I I I think it's time for you to go, friend. You don't want
00:23:03
trouble." He goes, "Okay." And then he goes back and he puts the stopwatch and then he takes the lock and goes click
00:23:10
and turns around. They all go, "What the fuck?" He locks himself in. That's a good
00:23:15
That's a staple. Started in Coward of the County song. Well, not only is he going to kick their
00:23:21
ass, he's going to time it for his own. They have guns and there's like 10 of
00:23:27
them, 300 lb ready to We must break you. All right. Okay. Is that what you're
00:23:33
going to do? Is that that that's your plan? Over. Well, let me just check my watch here. Okay. I'm going to lock me sophane.
00:23:40
Yeah. And then they all wait to fight one at a time. You go beat up. Now I go. Okay. Beat up.
00:23:47
I Man, why don't you do or I'll do it an action film because it's all just all I
00:23:52
have to do is go like that and then sound effects. Yeah. You know, I've seen them with sound off and they
00:23:57
look so stupid. They're missing. You can't you can see it's like not even really a good fight.
00:24:03
But when it's like, yeah, because you do not have to get close at all. If I was going to slug you
00:24:08
in the face, you know, I could be a foot away. You just have to time it. I don't know if you'd be
00:24:14
capable of that, though. Or maybe
00:24:19
How was How was your Thanksgiving,
00:24:25
Dana? I don't know if you know what time it is, but it's time. I think is
00:24:31
buzzing around on Flyable. This is sponsored by Five Hour Energy's
00:24:36
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00:24:58
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00:25:06
order yours today. So yes, I'm going to give Dana, we've done this before, right? But I'm going to give you different
00:25:12
people postth Thanksgiving post Thanksgiving scenario is you I have to do Tony Montana.
00:25:19
I'm going to do Tony Montana and then I'm going to surprise you. Okay. So I'm surpris
00:25:25
I just have I just have names. I This is not scripted. I know. No, it never is. That's why it's
00:25:31
Can people tell it's not scripted? No, it's funny. I like it. Okay. All right. So, this is uh Alpuccino Scarface, Tony Montana at
00:25:40
Thanksgiving dinner. Here we go. Action.
00:25:47
Look at his [ __ ] face. Here's you, Dana.
00:25:52
Pass. Sweet potatoes. I look around a table, man. I don't see
00:25:58
any sweet potatoes. What are you doing? Well, Adam Smler,
00:26:04
what are you doing here? I heard you a J Kelly. You're a J Kelly
00:26:14
hot. You sound like a baby. What a problem, man. Jake Kelly, you got to get
00:26:20
Oscar. No matter. Who? Put your mic up on my mic. Kelly,
00:26:25
what you doing? Jay Kelly is the movies in on Netflix. Continue. J Kelly, what are you doing, man? No sweet potatoes. What about you? You take
00:26:32
on Rob Schneider. You take the sweet potatoes, Rob. Okay. What's What was he gonna say?
00:26:37
No. Oh yeah. I like a Deuce Bigalow, man. I
00:26:43
like it, man. I see the movie. I see on Netflix all the time or Amazon Prime. I
00:26:48
see a Duce Bigalow. You're crazy guy. You run around like a crazy man. Funny.
00:26:53
Thank you. Thank you very much. All right. What is this? Joe Biden, what are
00:27:00
you doing here at Thanksgiving time? Where's the sweet potatoes?
00:27:05
I'm not getting around. Where's the sweet potatoes? He doesn't even know he's at Thanksgiving probably.
00:27:11
David Spade. Oh no. Dispar
00:27:17
man. I saw it on Amazon Prime. D L. It's a good man. a lot of jokes at Daily
00:27:23
Line. I get the gist, man. You make a lot of jokes. You like a make of jokes.
00:27:28
Christopher Walk, what about you? What did I say? Oh, what do you say? Let me interview you. David SP now I got you here. No
00:27:36
sweet potatoes, man. You're like a little Danny L. Daddy, you eat a Danny L. Why you call special Danny L?
00:27:44
Hey, it's Rob again. Listen, I saw you had cocaine there. That's a pretty big line, but guess what? You can do it.
00:27:54
Well, I love when you say this is Rob again. All right. This is Tony Montana again. Okay. All right. Okay.
00:28:01
Christopher, welcome. Man, you were in two episodes ago. What you doing in this episode? Five hour energy. You shouldn't
00:28:09
be in this episode. You got to go, man. No. I told you you gotta go. No.
00:28:16
Down. Go. You see? He's so overstaying his welcome over. Oh, and Wilson.
00:28:23
Oh god, there's a big table. It's a big It's a big Thanksgiving.
00:28:29
Put the le extra leafs in. Okay. Sorry, man. We don't have any
00:28:36
sweet potatoes. I don't give a [ __ ] What's the f What the [ __ ] is the matter with you? They can't use it with the
00:28:43
swear word, so I said [ __ ] you. What the [ __ ] Rob Schneider, Adam Sandler. What the [ __ ] is that? David
00:28:50
Spade, I get the gist. What's that? You in the bleachers at the 50th, you're
00:28:56
phoning it in. I get the gist. Take a break. You steal the [ __ ] show. What is that about?
00:29:02
What the [ __ ] [ __ ] Don't give me that. Give me five hour energy. I'm losing I'm losing my
00:29:09
good. Listen, that was buzzing around. That was Yeah, it was. Next week, did
00:29:15
they ever get the sweet potatoes? We'll find out. That was sponsored by 5Hour Energy's new
00:29:20
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00:29:27
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00:29:33
5oury.com. And that was written word for word. Not really good.
00:29:38
I like these. You can edit. I like No, they're too good. I like that I was able to go I was able to go Yes. I
00:29:47
was able to go Oh, I was telling you quickly question for you did me in
00:29:52
there. You put me as a surprise and I liked it. Mhm. Uh, I was in Phoenix and
00:29:58
I shouldn't even say this, but lateboard I stumbled across an old
00:30:06
window and I pushed the wrong button and it came up porn
00:30:11
and it said what? It said you can't watch porn in Arizona.
00:30:19
What does that mean? Can you believe Can you believe it? And we don't know if this is a lie or if one
00:30:26
you can't watch porn in Arizona. I couldn't. Why would they? I gave up quickly because you know what
00:30:32
they say? You can, but just type in your uh just take a photo of yourself and a
00:30:38
photo of your driver's license. I don't think so. Nice try. Where I'm sorry I
00:30:45
didn't get the be. Where were you watching porn on what device? Uh
00:30:50
require an age verification. Now, you can watch in Arizona, but some
00:30:56
age verification have to prove you're over 18. You have to you have to prove you're
00:31:02
over 18 and under whatever I am. I think that's kind of a good idea. I don't like kids looking at
00:31:07
No, I don't mind it. I just it kind of, you know, I go, what am I going to do for the next two and a half hours? You
00:31:13
know, play goddamn panda pop. So, anyway, Jesus, what what are you 18? He's like,
00:31:21
Heather and I have a mutual friend. He's in Texas that he keeps saying, "I can't get any porn out here." I don't know.
00:31:27
You got to put your I'm not putting my [ __ ] license track me on some What is this 2001 Space
00:31:34
Odyssey? I'm like, "Well, it's not really what you're looking for as an analogy, but I get what you're saying."
00:31:40
So, he won't do it. And he's like, I go, "You're gonna crack one day." And he type it in that goddamn number. Katie
00:31:46
Cobbs, the governor, made it in effect September 26th. September 26th, we got rat [ __ ] Who's
00:31:53
gonna go to Arizona now? Have you ever watched porn and then stopped watching it and just you're in
00:31:59
the hotel room by yourself and went, "Fuck, that was great." And I stand up like this.
00:32:06
Yes. Yes. I will say once in a while I watch it and then I, you know, as Kevin Nean
00:32:14
says, I'm interested. I'm interested then I'm not interested. Whatever
00:32:19
happens then I'm suddenly good. You walk back and your and your laptop's open later and you go
00:32:26
what? Yeah. Anyway, you step out of that one. Anyway, it won't affect you on the road.
00:32:32
Don't worry. It barely barely affected me. It was just more funny.
00:32:37
I think it's hilarious and it gives us an insight into you, not the comedian,
00:32:43
but you as a person. So, it's great for the podcast. You're you're opening
00:32:48
opening up. Yeah, I'm really opening up, you know, pulling the curtain back. I'm an open book. No, I'm not. Uh, okay.
00:32:55
Let's get to a few stories and then we'll Okay, we'll finish our leftovers.
00:33:02
Oh, these are fun. I haven't seen them in case I haven't come up with a good ad lilip. This is a Rogan clip. What they
00:33:08
don't want you to know about history. Let's see what this There's something really fascinating. Sure. There's old pictures of Christmas
00:33:14
images that always include ammonita mscaria mushrooms. So you would find them underneath pine trees. The same way
00:33:22
you find brightly colored presents under Christmas trees. In order to dry them, they would hang them in the trees just
00:33:29
like a tree. The little Santa Claus things where he's coming down the chimney. Why was that? Siberian shamans
00:33:34
were ostracized. They had to sneak into people's homes. So they came down chimneys. Santa's a shaman. Also, Santa
00:33:40
does the exact same coloration as the Aanita Mascaria mushroom. Look at that Siberian shaman. Looks exactly like
00:33:47
Amanita Mascar. Looks like an ornament. I I don't know. I think Joe's reaching a little bit. They keep saying anamanarian
00:33:53
mushrooms, which I've never heard of, but I'm not a big Schumer guy. I used to do it in college, maybe, but I don't do it.
00:33:59
You shumer? I did it. We, my friends and I, you know, younger people, we did some
00:34:06
mushrooms. We were in front of the um the Queen Mary
00:34:11
down there in Long Beach. So it's 1,000 ft long and the smoke stacks are you could you know and so the
00:34:18
mushrooms start to get under the mushrooms and we're looking at the pamphlet out on the patio and so to describe how big the boat was
00:34:26
they would just do ratio scenarios like 400 analopee could make their home in
00:34:32
that one stack. You know, it's like 12 million bumblebees could fit in the hole
00:34:37
of this craft. 20 million jelly beans. And so we laughed our ass off for a half hour. We were so high on mushrooms. We
00:34:44
came around the corner and there was the spruce goose next to it. And we saw this big white wooden plane and it was so
00:34:49
[ __ ] huge we dropped our knees laughing. So So all we did was laugh, but I haven't done it since. I did laugh a lot on shrooms. Uh I have
00:34:56
a quick joke about a cruise ship. This was from Grown-Ups One. I think I threw
00:35:01
this in. It got cut out. I said, we were all making fun of each other and I said, Kevin James,
00:35:07
when he he he's mentioned something about a cruise ship, I said, "Here's the captain when you're running laps on the
00:35:12
cruise ship
00:35:18
because Kevin James is so heavy it alters the boat."
00:35:24
This is him coming around to that side and then he goes in front of the boat. Steady as she goes. He doesn't captain
00:35:31
doesn't seem so he doesn't know what's going on. Kevin James is such a big guy that he's okay that that's it's a good
00:35:38
visual. That's pretty small. You The guy doesn't really know what's going Pop quiz. Did the captain of the Titanic
00:35:45
actually go down with the ship or get in the lifeboat?
00:35:50
You know, my friend was there. Um I was invited. Uh no, I don't know what
00:35:55
happened to him. He got in the lifeboat, got back to Manhattan. He was in a uh a swimming pool at a Motel 6 and drowned.
00:36:04
This rack. They didn't have Motel Sixes in 1907. I don't whatever it was.
00:36:09
No, he was at a uh Holiday in Green Ribbon. I like they try to gussy up a Holiday
00:36:15
in. Oh, this is a blue ribbon. I Hey man, I worked at Holiday in for like five years. Dishwasher, bus boy, waiter,
00:36:25
and then Bruner. You know this Richard Lewis joke? No. I get I get to a hotel.
00:36:33
I told him I wanted a suite. I was promised a suite. I don't have a suite. I have a regular room. I need to change
00:36:39
rooms. The guy said, "Uh, you're in a suite." He goes, "Oh my god, I didn't
00:36:45
see the coffee machine on the back of the toilet. You're right. I apologize."
00:36:53
Sweet. I was the whole time. I didn't see it. Uh, that's maybe not the best
00:36:58
joke in the world. It is funny though. I think it was good. I liked it.
00:37:05
Okay, let's do next story. Next story. Bring it on. I have stories, but they're too heavy.
00:37:11
Oh, this is interesting. It's about the Have you heard about the buga? I've heard that name for some reason.
00:37:17
This is a little sphere. When they say they're spheres, okay,
00:37:22
he he didn't give it up to the police. He kept it. And now it's getting heavier. It's got all these like
00:37:28
hieroglyphics on it and people are coming to read the symbols as a warning
00:37:35
about the future. I don't know if that's they are not a prediction. Well then what's the are the activation
00:37:42
sequence for a technology that has been waiting for 12,000 years.
00:37:49
Yep. Roughly 12,000. The message isn't what it says, it's what it does.
00:37:58
Show it. That's all it was. Well, what did they say? Press the buttons or not? I mean,
00:38:03
show it because they have it floating. You know, when people see these circles floating, sometimes they show them in the ocean.
00:38:08
Now, I feel like AI was invented just to throw this off because you can't tell. But if you see these little spheres floating
00:38:15
and they found this one, it crashed. Mhm. Guy called the police and he goes, they said, "Give it to us." He said, "No."
00:38:21
And he took off and it weighed about a pound and now because of gravity after a few months it weighs more. But all these
00:38:27
scientists and UFO people are looking at it going, "It's nuts what it is. They can't tell. They can't tell what kind of
00:38:33
material it is. They have no idea." So something's Is it on 60 minutes or why is it
00:38:41
hiding it? No, some of these things are out there. Depends on your algo.
00:38:48
If your algorithm brings I want alien let me just go on record you know I I want aliens to come down. I
00:38:54
want in my time on this planet to have like we are aliens. I want them to land on the White House lawn. I want them
00:39:01
coming out like daily stood still. No doubt Keanu Reeves and Jennifer.
00:39:07
No no no the one from 1959 was unbelievable scary. Yeah,
00:39:13
that was the the great thing where they had a guy they had like an Einstein scientist with the chalkboard doing the
00:39:19
stuff. The alien looks human, but he's kind of weird and he comes in and goes, "Well, professor, I think you're
00:39:25
mistaken." And it's like this gigantic equation like 20 feet across. He goes, sees it in one second.
00:39:31
Yeah. Oh, there this x should belong here. And then and then the Einstein guy's like, "Oh, oh my god." I mean, I
00:39:37
can't I I am, you know, I love that in a movie. Don't you like that reading of
00:39:43
yours? The chalk for a good good gracious. Good God. Why didn't I How did you
00:39:53
I've got to call my wife. Wait, what? You just thought
00:39:58
telephone. Have you? You thought what?
00:40:05
Come on. And he goes, "Oh my god, can you help me fix my dryer?"
00:40:11
Um, is that the one where the huge alien is standing or is that the camera? No, huge alien is comes off the
00:40:17
spaceship. I mean, it's a little corny. I mean, he's metal and he's scary when I was a kid, but I think the rubber bends
00:40:23
at his knees and stuff, but then, oh, I can't remember the name of the great actor who played the alien with a
00:40:30
humanoid form who, you know, it's great. Um, let's talk about Age of Disclosure
00:40:35
by next week because I'm going to watch it. It's all about the aliens on um Okay. All right. I got an open mind.
00:40:42
Yeah. Open mind and then we'll get somebody maybe from there to Yeah. If we're on this planet and no one
00:40:48
knows how we got here or what we're supposed to do here, all things are possible. I just wanted to put that out
00:40:53
there. I do think it's all possible. And I keep seeing videos on ring cameras of aliens and they all look like AI. But some I'm
00:40:59
guarantee you like one out of 20 is real, but no one everyone's like whatever. First comment's always like
00:41:05
[ __ ] AI. Who are these friends? Was that a friend? Those are comments. Those are comments.
00:41:13
In the Californians, I don't think it's not like alien. Hey man, if it's an alien, people would
00:41:20
see like big green ears or something. Yeah, aliens are cute. I don't want them to
00:41:26
kill us. My favorite characters, right? All right, I'm just adjusting my camera.
00:41:31
Okay, one more. Why you like Arizona's an hour later, dude?
00:41:37
I left Arizona once and arrived in LA before I left because of the time change thing. Oh, yeah. There's an hour long time.
00:41:43
What is a micro penis all about the condition that may have plagued Hitler and Jeffrey Epstein.
00:41:48
They're really going these guys are really piling on. This is a great story. I I I just love
00:41:54
this investig. Okay. Is this the whole story? They they
00:42:01
say they say uh Epstein had one, right?
00:42:07
Well, who are they? Dana, when did you take this picture?
00:42:12
I thought he's like Batman like this. That guy has the hands of Shaquille
00:42:18
O'Neal. Yeah, still could be big. I think you're supposed to measure it
00:42:24
from your waist. All right. But these people that do micro, I mean,
00:42:29
they're really going like I think when they try to find a victim, unfortunately, they say
00:42:37
any markings on the wiener like that happened to Michael Jackson.
00:42:42
They said, you know, and also the idea is that, you know, Hitler was so angry
00:42:48
because of that.
00:42:53
out the micro ponies. Adolf, you okay? I killed everybody
00:43:01
on because of the micro pins. Oh yeah. Made him so mad. Can you believe how much energy I had 45
00:43:08
minutes in? He gave those speeches. He really gave it. I know. I know. That's why I used to do exhausted Hitler. Oh, I can't I could
00:43:15
barely. I'm so tired. I was screaming for an hour.
00:43:21
I play balls on one on one uh read through and I go
00:43:28
right away. Mine Fier and I got a laugh.
00:43:33
That's f It's almost like a mountain Brooks movie or something.
00:43:39
I'll be back in one second. Mind I'm so tired. I gave a 4hour speech at
00:43:45
the Reichstead. I can't even Did you hear it? I can't feel my deltoid. Whoever thought of this thing
00:43:52
should be shot. I can't even feel my traps. That's a lever arm.
00:43:58
Hard to hold up. I did this for five [ __ ] hours.
00:44:04
All right, let's end on that. Um, that is a mic drop. Please, I hope you enjoyed your Thanksgiving vacation. Now,
00:44:11
it's time to So good. Back to work. Eat Thanksgiving. listen to this and sleep while you listen to us because we
00:44:18
Yes, we're a good sort of we're a good we're a good casual. We don't we don't want to stir the pot.
00:44:24
All right, everybody. I'm watching. We've got millions of streams coming in. So, good job everybody. Thank you and
00:44:29
we'll see you next time. Goodbye.
00:44:36
Hey guys, if you're loving this podcast, which you are, be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app. Give us a
00:44:43
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00:44:48
If you're watching this episode on YouTube, please subscribe. We're on video now. Fly on the Wall is presented by Odyssey,
00:44:54
an executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman, Mattie Sprung Kaiser, and
00:45:02
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00:45:09
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00:45:18
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00:45:24
Kourtney, and Lauren Vieiraa. Reach out with us any questions to be asked and answered on the show. You can email us
00:45:31
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