00:00:00
[Music] when they say oh These Girls are funny
00:00:08
but are they pretty it's like no they are and they're funny so I like girls that are a little lighter on their feet
00:00:13
women you're not even supposed to say women anymore you're supposed to say elderly woman you're supposed to
00:00:18
say take it [Music]
00:00:26
out Sarah what are you wearing to the eclipse I I think I'm going to wear a
00:00:31
giant disco ball again yeah
00:00:37
again it's black it's a black tie Fair it's the Clips in LA and it's a [ __ ] bust because not it's not even any
00:00:44
darker it's not even anything and everyone's so ramped up like it's Coachella it's
00:00:49
40% clip that's it 40% do you want here's a fun fact the
00:00:56
moon the sun is 400 times larger than the moon but it's 400 times further from
00:01:02
Earth and that's why the moon can block it I was just saying
00:01:07
that I was thinking it block blocking out the blocking out the sun I didn't
00:01:13
realize my wife was GNA be leaving the house and stepping in that's pretty
00:01:21
good Sarah wait what was I going to ask you also God dang it oh you know what
00:01:26
that the eclipse feels like the only thing that you can it's like saying you want to go to the Super Bowl but you can't watch it you have to look the
00:01:32
other way it's like why are people driving the the length of the eclipse
00:01:37
New York you're supposed to be Pitch Black by now according to my calculations are you not I'm I'm like
00:01:44
totally confused I feel like I'm afraid to look out the window because I don't know what I'm supposed to see I'm also
00:01:51
like is it didn't like Trump literally stare right into it and he like was fine
00:01:56
I think that was a rumor yeah he just got he just got he just got oranger he's got a really m is tits we looked at it
00:02:04
um you know um no but no but all kidding aside it's
00:02:09
dangerous um know that I think you're not supposed to even look out the window we I'm literally looking out the window
00:02:16
wait I'll put on my sunglasses cuz now you're scaring me yeah you can't even you can't even be in your house you shouldn't be in your
00:02:23
apartment I like are you trying to walk with your laptop I'm walking B I well I
00:02:30
want to find my sunglasses because now you guys are like freaking me out for some
00:02:36
reason there you go okay I feel better are you safe I I'm sorry for look how
00:02:42
big your tie is I feel better it's my new TI oh that's hip
00:02:49
that's little Dian keaty it's cool isn't it my friend Celeste wrer on the show
00:02:54
got it for me for my birthday I think Ties on women are hot why thank you
00:02:59
thank you very much you're welcome Sarah do you have in your house what I sent you for your birthday literally yeah but
00:03:07
my boyfriend's in a meeting in the room where the cookie is I sent cookie no you
00:03:13
don't have to I kept the cookie I didn't eat it you know Sarah that was from one
00:03:19
of the road gigs we did in my room and I said I had a present for you and I never gave it to you so I kept it that whole
00:03:25
time oh there it is look at that
00:03:30
and look what else you sent me $10 bill this is your boyfriend you didn't spend it no I sent for
00:03:37
birthday oh oh this boyfriend this surrogate boyfriend in a pinch these are
00:03:42
all my are you in a meeting right now my boyfriend's hard at work look
00:03:48
these are all the dolls people make of me on tour you do have an Eclectic you guys
00:03:56
wow peee Sher that's
00:04:02
cool no one's making Peewee Cary you you have great
00:04:08
fans I don't have that many but they they're they're strong they're small But
00:04:13
Mighty yeah I just love them I just have G bobbleheads can I get one more can I get five more can I get 10 more cut it
00:04:20
out dude [ __ ] you and then they start to fight just gar that's it Dana let's get
00:04:25
to the important matter at hand which is one girl on Tik Tok saying something about SNL girls then we all talk about
00:04:31
it forever it's pretty funny yeah okay here we go Sarah give us your strong
00:04:37
opinion about it whatever that is here's a thing here's here's here's here's what
00:04:42
wait let me make sure that my the human hand is in the background and I'll take my glasses off
00:04:48
for this it's important literally like what
00:04:54
what what is she smoking like I I there some of the most
00:05:00
be I what it's like listen I'm not funny but I'm good-look you know what I mean
00:05:11
like the the women that she's talk like she brings up women who are like
00:05:17
literally Dro dead VA G gorgeous yeah
00:05:22
and I was mad at myself for Twee I shouldn't have [ __ ] said [ __ ] anything because she said some [ __ ] for
00:05:30
attention and then I and then I was sitting on the train well I woke up in the morning and everyone texted me I
00:05:37
woke up to none of my friends care if I live or die but then I woke up to like aund text from my friend being
00:05:44
like look at this LOL and so I was like LOL means [ __ ] you by the way when
00:05:49
people text me that they're like did you see this Aha and you're like it's not really LOL it's more like I want you to
00:05:55
see this yeah no exactly like one time my I woke up to text for my friend there
00:06:01
was like a Reddit thread I had like opened for a band in Central Park in 95
00:06:07
degree heat in the summer and then there was like a whole Reddit thread of like teenagers telling me that I'm so unfunny
00:06:13
that I should literally shoot my own head off and that's what my friends send me my friends don't send me like
00:06:20
anything good yeah so like I was sitting on the train just being like I I don't
00:06:25
know I just [ __ ] tweeted it and I immediately regretted tweeting it cuz it's like she just wanted that that's
00:06:31
what people want they just want attention for one second yeah it's a tricky one because if
00:06:36
you protest too much it's sort of like hey wait a minute we are good-looking
00:06:42
you know it's I know and I didn't want it to come across as like defensive or
00:06:47
like yeah and then people thought like I was legitimately upset and I'm like no I'm just I I woke
00:06:56
up like ready to say something hilarious about grieving uglily uglily was maybe
00:07:03
the funniest thing I heard last week yeah it was so funny and ugly does not it's not out
00:07:10
there a lot that word and I like it I don't think I've ever heard it it's a new word that's why I did it if I felt
00:07:17
compelled to bring a new a word into the Lexicon But ultimately I wish I didn't
00:07:23
say anything because then it just made it a bigger deal no it's great that's
00:07:28
why we're calling you about it's it's totally gone away that's why we're calling you about it well also I'm like this got more
00:07:36
attention than it than like every time I tweet every time I tweet like every time I tweet like hey
00:07:44
everybody check out the sketch that I made with my friends I'm so proud of it's hilarious it gets like two and a
00:07:49
half likes and like block delete unfollow
00:07:57
report by the way I just saw happen stance I saw I think there's a
00:08:03
delay on me I think I saw Kristen wig her monologue what a stunner I mean just
00:08:08
off top of my head forget it and who cares already there's so many combo platters on that show of just really
00:08:15
pretty and hilariously funny Funny's harder you can't go get surgery to be
00:08:20
funnier I mean it's really hey wait a minute is it is is it okay for funniness
00:08:26
to add to a person's hotness not just men but women as well cuz women will say
00:08:33
I like a man who's funny but what about a man who likes women that are funny have to be yeah that's like Rodney
00:08:41
Dangerfield is like the hottest guy who ever lived is he was he a looker
00:08:47
yes to me yeah no you're right you're is so oh I
00:08:52
tell you I'm hot Johnny I'm hot I tell you I'm hot all the girls like me oh so
00:08:58
I have not that's my worst impression I I get too much respect too much respect entirely every time a photographer sees
00:09:04
me he takes a picture time woman sees me she takes my pants off I tell you I got a lot of
00:09:11
respect how do how does she take your pants off I [Music]
00:09:23
mean Mando you know what Mando is Dana it's a whole body deodorant you know
00:09:28
this oh yeah glad you wanted to talk about that it's clinically proven to control Bo we all know a lot of people
00:09:36
with boo mhm and I'm not saying all my drivers it's just human 72 hours MH 72
00:09:43
hours no do I need 72 hours over to control well I do but not not everyone does one application goes for 72 hours
00:09:51
Lamborghinis can go 220 miles an hour is it necessary no okay let's do it again
00:09:57
is it necessary is it necessary no no it's a nice feature
00:10:03
right like you yesterday you needed to drive 220 miles uh yesterday I was trying to get from point A to point B I
00:10:09
had people I was delivering a package and um the people had to leave and their guns were not no it was not that um but
00:10:17
yeah I could have used that speed Mando's doctor developed formula stops odor at the source so pits for example
00:10:26
my pits package they talk about packages is down there smell great all day and
00:10:33
the next day M and the next day yeah should I need it I
00:10:39
mean here should I need it you say that should I need it no do you want it do
00:10:44
you want it yes yeah that was good so if you're on a long car trip with somebody
00:10:50
who's not showered that morning you came out of Motel 11 and they decided not to do a little quick cleanup it's hard to
00:10:57
tell someone hey hey really come on dude we took I've had that happen
00:11:03
recently you and I drove drove to Reno once and it was like woo but you didn't have Mando so it's fine I'm not gonna
00:11:10
Jud I always thought something like this should be called pit stop that's not a bad name Mando you can have it all right
00:11:17
I like knowing that Mando's working hard to lock down the bo no matter what I'm doing Mando's basically the Lamborghini
00:11:22
of deodorant mhm more affordable for sure yes uh this is a special offer new
00:11:28
customers get $5 off Mando's bestselling starter pack with code Superfly at shop Mando mh.com whole body deodorant Mando
00:11:36
is seriously safe to use anywhere in your body it says pits grundle and
00:11:44
balls Heather do you know where that is a grungle I'm gonna show you a clip in a minute yeah uh let's walk out in the
00:11:50
alley grungle there's a special on PBS about it tonight belly buttons do they
00:11:55
get rcky I guess butt cracks stinky crevices stomach folds and feet get down
00:12:01
in that Catt Uchi Canal Jesus Christ you know going for that area between the
00:12:07
bottom of your anus and the edge of your ball sack that's a good commercial for a family show Mando's starter pack is
00:12:14
perfect for new customers it comes with a solid Stick deodorant cream tube deodorant two free products of your
00:12:20
choice they have mini body wash they have deodorant wipes yeah uh free shipping luckily I have a discount code
00:12:25
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00:12:31
starter pack with our exclusive code that equates to over 40% off your starter pack wow Dana use Superfly at
00:12:41
shop.com shop.com that's code Superfly at s o p m n d
00:12:48
o.com oh yeah Ryan gossing this week we got Ry yeah do you guys have any pictures for me I have one for would I
00:12:55
think you would be the perfect person to do it I think Ryan would be the perf it's nothing really original you can go
00:13:02
it's just you're a scientist and he's like a head just a disembodied head she
00:13:07
loves it already she loves it already she he's a little sarcastic and you start you kind of abuse him you just
00:13:13
slap him shut your freak him out you know that kind of thing and then he's gonna
00:13:19
break you make him he will have to break you save the slaps they get really hard on air yeah and he's gonna break and
00:13:26
then then you have you have a two million Banger on YouTube about being about okay he's a I love
00:13:32
this but he's a headed head and he's mouthing off right he's and you're like shut hey you're
00:13:39
like you shut your you shut your [ __ ] head you know shut your freaking head and you slap him every time get he gets
00:13:46
sassy and he keeps mouthing off and he keeps going like how come none of the women on asnl are funny or or hot or
00:13:53
funny or whatever and then I go you keep talking like that I'm going to sew this
00:13:59
head on a chicken's body yeah and that's the end you just got to a frame of that
00:14:04
no but then he stands up out of the table and he already has a chicken body on that's funny yeah he comes out of the
00:14:11
box at the end of the scene to walk the next one and he's in a chicken outfit
00:14:16
and you're like oh I forgot to do the ending so anyway I think you being kind of playfully abusive he's a head so and
00:14:24
he's kind of sassin off you make a head to make the perfect man and then you're
00:14:29
only at the head part and then he already starts mouthing off and you're like don't make me come across this
00:14:34
laboratory you stop talking I'm even done with you yet and then you go you know what I am done with
00:14:40
you I have another one he he plays um a guy
00:14:46
with go ahead you're on a rat restaurant with him you're really handsome nice guy
00:14:52
but he has a foot fetish so he keeps dropping things and going on the table like just going off on your feet I got
00:14:59
nothing about okay no no no no no no keep okay he has a foot fetish he keeps dropping things to soever just rub your
00:15:06
feet kiss your feet and then I actually then okay so then I actually start
00:15:12
eating with my feet at the table yes see this is called running with it he proposes marriage okay one more he's
00:15:20
you're I have one more pitch on that sketch I want to hear it it's your show I'm just trying to help you I won't be
00:15:25
there Saturday he it's a foot fetish it's a foot fetish restaurant so there's a waiter who comes and serves
00:15:32
you um food at for at the table level but then there's a foot waiter who
00:15:37
serves your feet foot feet your your feet food at the bombing over
00:15:44
here yes yeah okay keep going keep going keep going no I like that I just thought
00:15:49
okay go ahead David I table there's a little slit on his side so when you put your foot up right in front of him so
00:15:56
when you're sitting there you put your foot straight up and it's right closer to him in the table then he can sit down and kind of kiss it and then you pull it
00:16:04
out what do I what about this she shows up to the date nothing's weird nothing's
00:16:10
strange and then I go to sneeze I go a chew reveal my hand is actually a foot
00:16:16
and he likes that oh yeah that's not and my feet are actually hands oh he goes down there and he finds out your feet
00:16:21
are hands and then he hates them and then he goes back up and he goes there little faces on the feet and then they all talk you already did that with the
00:16:28
hot do or whatever my ideas are too normal I have one more it's physical Jes
00:16:35
it's a night club you're gonna you're gonna dance with Ryan Gosling oh that guy's so good-looking whatever and he
00:16:41
starts dancing and then o just in a little bit of time he gets real close then he starts to strangle you and
00:16:46
you're like what the [ __ ] what are you doing he goes I'm just doing the strangle it's a Dance come on let's go let's dance you go all right and then he
00:16:53
dances and he starts to strangle you I have nothing else okay love it love it
00:16:58
just love it love it and then I start doing the trip I stick my foot out and
00:17:03
he trips over it yeah and then we both um go get like so world famous from the
00:17:10
dance moves we invented that like literally I get um killed and then um
00:17:17
someone goes that was the other new dance room all right mine are more for the
00:17:22
Monday meeting that you don't write okay this is fake ones that will never get produced fake ones that just
00:17:29
cuz there's not they're not weird enough for Sarah but they're just sort of stupid you say it's a it's a gritty cop
00:17:35
show set in New Orleans and you all play gritty cops and in the Monday morning gritty meeting everyone has a different
00:17:43
New Orleans accent it's all bad so everyone says their their accent is
00:17:48
wrong and then because I just played New Orleans and I said New Orleans on stage and they go boo and I go would it be
00:17:55
worse if I came up here went nin like I'm trying to really blend insane yeah and then I said no is it New
00:18:01
Orleans and they're like don't say every [ __ ] letter in it I'm like well that's what it's spelled and then so I
00:18:08
had to go I had to find a happy medium go New Orleans and then there was a couple ways
00:18:13
then you just get it down to onion onions yeah I'm from onions you even dro the n and someone just goes does a
00:18:20
Chinese accent just and then they're like that's you're way off and so okay you guys actually do you want to
00:18:26
Workshop the pitch that I was actually kick it out okay just tell me if this is
00:18:33
good so maybe um everyone thinks that you went blind from the eclipse because
00:18:39
you show up to work dressed like me and you go Oh I thought all these things
00:18:45
matched that's your excuse because you went blind or the people went blind no I'm say oh sorry okay so I'm
00:18:52
pitching Ryan Goslin yeah I'm looking like this yeah okay and I go
00:18:59
maybe you show up to work dressed like this yeah in the sketch and everyone
00:19:04
thinks that you went blind looking at the eclipse okay because you look so stupid cuz you dressed yourself so
00:19:10
poorly clearly you can't see yep I like it and clearly the joke was so good that
00:19:16
um I had to repeat it twice to kind of get yeah now can you orientate me in the room where's he sitting sunglasses with
00:19:22
Ray Charles thing I thought you're going with the sunglasses no oh that's good
00:19:28
here's a weekend update bit for you ready you show the weather report you go speaking of eclipes I have a I have a
00:19:34
real beef with the sun right now and then they go oh what's that and then you go here's a weather report it has it's
00:19:40
sunny all week and the sun has sunglasses and you go why would the sun have sunglass the only thing that
00:19:45
doesn't need sunglass it's going that way does anyone understand me why is no one talking about this why are we trying
00:19:52
to bury these stories why am I you think I'm a do you think I'm a conspiracy the
00:19:58
fuing classic all right well we got your whole show written Bowen did the iceberg and
00:20:05
now you have a lot of cast members things on their head and stuff oh but yeah you go out as a son with sunglasses
00:20:11
and go what what was everyone's problem okay okay wait wait wait wait I got one I got one no one's going anywhere go
00:20:18
ahead we have nothing else to do buckle up look your helmets on put your sunglasses on because this is gonna be a
00:20:25
scorcher you go okay okay you go the the Sun from the teletub just
00:20:31
played by a baby um I'm sorry doesn't the sun actually pre-exist planet Earth
00:20:39
why would it be played by a baby seems a little young yeah you know you have a
00:20:44
lot of sun facts you go Colin I'll hit you with another one you're [ __ ] reeling from this one but guess what why
00:20:51
does it some wear sunglasses you go there's a lot of things that people aren't talking about right now and there's a lot of things that are
00:20:57
everyone's sweeping under the rug the eclipse really the sun doesn't do jack [ __ ] to be honest the moon does all the
00:21:04
work does the sun know it's been eclipse and does it care is it offended is it uh
00:21:10
profiling what is it is it you do a New York accent as the sun you know I didn't even know what's going on I can't even
00:21:17
see you guys what oh have a question Sarah Sarah I'm raising my hand go ahead
00:21:23
okay so I know the Earth is flat but is the sun I mean she's got those big knockers she couldn't possibly be what
00:21:32
knockers what no I know where you're going I get
00:21:37
it the sun is stacked stacked that when did stacked go
00:21:43
out she's really stacked is that 1968 or something I don't what happened to bazongas I think people just say big
00:21:51
tits or boobs yeah it's lazy call them it is it's lazy
00:21:57
offensiveness my mom and my grandma my aunt call them Bubbies
00:22:03
Bubbies like when I turned 15 I I grew Bubbies let's look at a
00:22:08
[Laughter] clip how about this Ryan Gosling is
00:22:16
Hunter Biden he looks like him kind of in a hot tub doing a talk show from a hot tub and he has strippers in tub with
00:22:23
him and the gas have the gas have to come in the water with them mhm and you guys smoke crack
00:22:29
yeah I mean what do you guys have there physical and silly you want Ryan to be ridiculous Ryan is good-looking what if
00:22:36
it's Barbie and K in the future and they run into each other and it's gone South for one of
00:22:42
them you think it'd be open to Barbie and Ken stuff or not want he's like
00:22:49
please let's not talk about the most obvious thing in the world you know what's funny about Dana's pitch about um
00:22:55
making him break I it just made me think like it's so funny like anytime a host
00:23:01
is like oh my God I love this sketch like I don't know how I'm going to be able to do it with straight face I'm like totally going to break that's like
00:23:08
always when they never break and and they cut it quietly after dress the
00:23:14
expectations are so high and they don't realize they're going to do it six times before air that's why this one has a
00:23:20
secret Easter egg that you'll do these little slaps all week and then they'll get and on the air show it's
00:23:30
and you really slap him too hard and in the Audi he knows it and he's like the mid or you start making out
00:23:37
with them yeah at the end that's it you say oh the hell with it I'm sorry I exuse me damn it I'm in love with you
00:23:45
and then you just grab his head and start forcing kissing him there you go
00:23:50
you go changing the sket coming I'm just going to make out with you for 10 minutes and he's like come here your
00:23:56
head I'm in love with you head and then start making out with we have to let sah go to go to her laundry so let's let's
00:24:03
we have one advice question that we do on the show someone we don't know asking for advice will you just stay and help
00:24:10
answer take you five seconds okay this is the question oh he's younger guy let
00:24:15
me put my glasses on yeah you should okay he might sneak in an eclipse and hi
00:24:20
Dana and David I need advice um I am getting married soon I'll be 21 at my
00:24:25
wedding so I'll say I'm 21 now oh wa uh and I need to know how to keep my wife
00:24:31
thinking that I'm funny forever um because she thinks I'm funny now and
00:24:36
that's one of the major things I have going for me so I'd appreciate your feedback and thank
00:24:42
you that's a good question Sarah uh uh that's like that's actually
00:24:50
really as someone who's never made a host break H let me think let me think
00:24:56
how do you stay funny how do you stay funny from rehearsal to from run through
00:25:01
to dress to air yeah how do you stay funny through 50 years of marriage yeah
00:25:08
I can't say yeah you're you only want to be just as funny to keep the sketch moving
00:25:14
through the machine to get to air but you never you want to make sure on air for Ryan it's all different this thing
00:25:22
unfortunately is coming out Friday so if you actually go with this sketch we'll cut this from our podast and show it on
00:25:29
the follow it will ruin everything if you want to do it I know that you and maybe
00:25:35
Dan would do something you know you would do your thing with it you can take any nugget head with you
00:25:43
control Ryan is ahead and you is the scientist and then we break the fourth
00:25:48
wall all Sherman bu all the cast members walk in and just make out with him while
00:25:53
he's stuck there during the sketchu and maybe a few contest winners
00:25:59
before Sarah goes I want to do a 5-second impression well we really dumped this kid off didn't we this
00:26:05
advice I think said element of surprise well I would say I've been married for multiple decades and I'm funnier to my
00:26:12
wife now than I was before because you get just sillier it don't I would say don't worry about it if you are truly
00:26:19
have a funny aspect to you it's like gum on your shoe did you ever go through phases you're like I don't know how to
00:26:25
do this I you can't get rid of it so if he's really funny he's he'll be fine
00:26:30
that's my honest advice I agree with Dana if you if you have the sauce you have the sauce girl if you don't have
00:26:35
the sauce then you don't have the sauce yeah and if you that I said and people always worry about will my partner get
00:26:43
on attractive over time it's like this guy's worrying will I not be funny over time it's a good thing to think about
00:26:49
because he wants to be attractive to his partner by being fun and funny and I think if you want to you're always
00:26:55
trying to you you you've turned it up a few percent is for someone you're with because it's fun with them you have a
00:27:01
good back and forth I like that Sarah referred to them as girl just that affectionately it's very British Now you
00:27:08
listen to me girl you know you're funny you listen to me bird listen little girl
00:27:13
okay here's if there's a if there's an Aftershock today at the readthrough meeting this is Lord Michaels um Sarah
00:27:19
do you have anything for Ryan um interesting there's a Tremor
00:27:26
it's a little bit of a tremor it's that thing of like everybody go find a desk
00:27:31
um well there's only one desk it's going down
00:27:37
again that's awesome here's my here's my impression of the um they're recording
00:27:43
the the intros during after track okay
00:27:49
um and your and your host Ryan goling
00:27:56
whoa here's Lauren that's
00:28:02
it um what the [ __ ] that's my that's my just quick one Sarah jump on me and save
00:28:09
me from breaking my bones jump you should jump and Tackle
00:28:15
him and go Lauren are you okay and he goes Sarah there was nothing's wrong and you go thought I heard a
00:28:21
Tremor and then you just show your excuse to attack him
00:28:26
yeah okay we'll let you've got to go right with boa yeaha all right can you text him for me
00:28:33
and tell him tell him I'll be a bit late because I because of us because of our Shenanigans
00:28:38
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like it's broccoli it is not it's good it's just not so when they go there's your
00:30:00
broccoli huh yeah I don't well we shouldn't say we don't like it for this
00:30:05
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00:31:17
say oh These Girls are funny but are they pretty it's like no they are and
00:31:23
they're funny so it's more going on which is always nice I like girls girls are a little lighter on their feet
00:31:30
women mhm you're not even supposed to say women anymore you're supposed to say elderly women well my
00:31:35
sister who's yeah suppos to she's she says stuff like you got to
00:31:42
admit sorry I can't hear you I said take it out because it just sounds I was trying to do a stupid joke but sounds
00:31:48
bad oh sorry was go ahead bud uh my sister always says and she's in her 60s
00:31:55
she always she said about Ryan Gosling she always saysyou got to admit he's
00:32:01
really goodlook just a funny figure of speech in the beginning she goes you got to admit Dane he's really good
00:32:08
looking you got to admit I mean no one can ad you got to admit I mean well yeah
00:32:14
I I get I I said on the podcast or somewhere when people
00:32:19
say you're actually kind of cute the actually is in all caps and so
00:32:26
I would say it now when people d me if they want attention they go you're actually kind of hot and then I go oh
00:32:32
this is like a thing that I said and then I'm supposed to go oh Arf Arf am I
00:32:37
really your hair looks good today though I know I know you said I know so
00:32:44
fast did I did I a mutter I know yeah I think you did CU you were saying I know to something else and I said your hair
00:32:50
looks good right when you said that oh well I have a protocol it's pretty
00:32:56
consistent protocol yeah that's what your hair care system is called Dana carvey's protocol I like
00:33:03
color color looks good well once I got once I got rid of the bangs I mean the bangs you have to arrange them and do
00:33:09
all this work with bangs no bangs are and then once you just went back like that then it's like okay hello Sally by
00:33:17
the way I think in all my dating experience no girl has ever said I'm looking for a guy with bangs bangs is sort of oh you are I know
00:33:25
but Paul McCartney kind of has Bang um you know Jeff Beck God Rest us all
00:33:32
had bangs yeah bangs jger has bangs maybe they're back I don't know I I I sort of like them so well long hair let
00:33:39
me tell you what's going on briefly when I'm in traffic and this is
00:33:45
not even funny because I have such a bad temper when I'm in traffic if and you might think of this when I let someone
00:33:51
in my precious spot in traffic when they're trying to
00:33:56
merge right and they don't wave to me you're lucky I don't have a gun in the car
00:34:02
because I you have what happened to waving no one no one gives I do it all the time I go hey man just to diffuse
00:34:09
being gunned down because I know how infuriating is so I go hey man I even go the
00:34:14
window get all out there because I want them to know okay you know because I
00:34:21
know it makes me so mad I'll follow them if they don't wave waiting for a wave minimum 100 miles going I'm sure you
00:34:29
forgot but I'm here whenever you're ready and they don't care all right I I
00:34:35
like to hear about your etiquette here's a question for you on receiving or the attack mode you're at a stop light
00:34:41
there's a car in front of you it turns green they don't start moving you know
00:34:47
they're checking their phone when do you blast on the horn one second two second
00:34:54
give them three seconds and then sometimes you blast them right yeah and
00:34:59
then they flip you off now what even though you're just reminding them to get
00:35:05
the [ __ ] now you're stuck cuz are you a [ __ ] do you do anything do you just eat it yeah or do you have to Ram them what
00:35:13
about when you're on the phone and it's then you realize you look up SC move well in La people don't know this you
00:35:20
have to time out your beep when it turns green so it goes green because people like [ __ ] I I it
00:35:28
hit my eye that it's green and now I'm going like took too long guess it guess
00:35:33
I have a horn a horn setting that it ramps up so even when it's red it's starting to
00:35:38
[Music] rumble that's digital listen how about
00:35:45
this hello sharks why don't we have a horn that's a friendly one like a little
00:35:52
thing on top of your that goes Meep that just means come on just letting you know it's time to go you know it's not a
00:36:01
full you know like by the way in a in a nonrelated story My My Land
00:36:07
Cruiser has the pussiest beep it goes like this Meep and I and it's so when
00:36:12
I'm so mad I [Music] go you almost can't hear it dogs are
00:36:18
like this so that's why I want to switch the
00:36:23
horn to like I really want it to be angry like people go oh [ __ ] I did something wrong
00:36:30
I've never I don't use the horn I just roll down the window go EG move it fat
00:36:38
face you don't say fat [ __ ] I like fat face I don't want I don't want to swear
00:36:43
on this podcast oh I know I I I'll take care of that okay okay move on what's our first story and then we'll get off
00:36:49
the phone because we're already long first story is
00:36:55
about okay here it comes
00:37:01
oh what is this massive oh Dana remember I was saying it
00:37:06
took a turn the other day right that's actually doesn't have anything to do with this this is just another boat
00:37:12
where all the power went out it didn't do anything but maybe there's a there's something to it if they lost control of
00:37:20
their ship again so maybe that is someone electrically I don't want to talk too much lingo here someone elect
00:37:27
through the protons a force field someone from another shut off your power and then it
00:37:35
makes you you're going to crash into something eventually all right is there anything
00:37:40
to that oh look at how low I am in the screen there we go so yeah I'm kind of interested happen twice yeah yeah uh
00:37:49
okay well I need a lot more information to have an opinion okay I'm just giving you this now we go go to the 99 cent
00:37:55
store one that's a really this is a hard hit story I love 99 Cent Stores even if I'm
00:38:02
on a budget I'll pass them and if you wait long enough you'll hit a 98 cent store so it's smart but these 99 Cent
00:38:09
Stores were everywhere and they're all closing and you know what I saw in one Dana a uh the weirdest thing I saw was
00:38:17
the early pregnancy test this is for a girl in a regular Pharmacy going I think I'm pregnant but I'm not spending more
00:38:23
than a buck to find out I'll just wait figure your
00:38:29
out well I I just I'm I don't like the 99 cent sore cuz I loaded up on the
00:38:35
dollar s stock and 99 cent came in and completely
00:38:40
obliterated the dollar stores at least half of them closed within a week and there's rumors of a 98 cent store but I
00:38:48
don't know if it's true are people waiting for a 98 cent store they're sitting on their cash going a dollars
00:38:54
too much I just want to remind the audience these are not pre-planned bus these are not written by professional
00:39:00
writers for weeks these are just yeah I did not yes yeah so I'm kind of sad
00:39:06
because this is I think a lot of people go to these including me and dollar
00:39:11
storees it's just good to have I mean let's be honest not one thing in there is 99 Cents I think we sort of we sort
00:39:18
of gave that up a while ago but it's still it's it's less expensive and I
00:39:23
don't know if it just sounds good like Mo do you remember Motel 6 MH did you have those where you grew up and now
00:39:29
it's like it was yeah 5.95 when we were driving to Montana seven of us in a
00:39:35
station wagon Motel 6 it was $6 we didn't I did not Heather didn't know that for sure we did not know that what
00:39:41
that meant I did not I thought it meant six I no it was $6 I I don't know when
00:39:46
it went to 600 but yeah look it up cuz I stay at the Four Seasons 9,000 and I
00:39:52
didn't know what that meant till I just got my well the bar is was about this big in
00:39:59
the Motel 6 and the towel big and the bed was like this big
00:40:04
it was really good for tiny people but yeah it was pretty low low but it had TV
00:40:10
you know when I got my call this is kind of a lie but when I got my call about SNL I was home at
00:40:17
Easter and I just started staying in hotels and I stayed at a Motel 6 and I
00:40:23
got the call in the in the room in the one on Scott Road and I and I I would I
00:40:29
would the bigger story is I should I should have been staying at home but you know my mom gets up at 4:30 and she
00:40:34
starts clanking pans and so and I'm on the couch so I said I'm going to treat myself to a Motel 6 and that has a
00:40:41
strong memory for me of writing down a Ken Mong deal or whatever I was you know
00:40:47
going to do for four shows at the end of the interesting great story everyone just went to sleep or we spiked down
00:40:52
okay oh no we like we like we like David with no money that guy this is a weird
00:40:57
story you know what I mean Canadian man I have not SE I have not seen this yes I saw this and I just sent this in
00:41:04
Canadian man is too healthy fingers amputated because he identifies as disabled now this has to offend disabled people I
00:41:12
mean this just seeing it it looks like a little bit of that joder you know when you go like this but
00:41:18
I don't think that's what he's going for why would a surgeon do it who would do
00:41:24
it right yeah um I mean it's his wishes I have no take
00:41:31
on I have no take other than I'm perplexed all right young man uh let's
00:41:36
see if we have Gang Green or some kind of infection on these digits well they're perfectly healthy they're
00:41:42
perfect cut them anyway doc what I said cut him he's got like a junior John
00:41:48
Wayne slice them slice them good but there's nothing wrong with him I identify as fingerless [ __ ] oh my God
00:41:56
doctor David I would say just go to Fourth of July and try to not get your fingers blown off with firecrackers for
00:42:03
about three times and the third one it'll probably happen anyway this is what happens to people and they're sad
00:42:08
all their lives because of fireworks but I don't know I just this just struck me
00:42:14
as a story I thought was maybe it's not real if this is let us know people if
00:42:19
this is real or not maybe it's one of those fake we'd have to know if it's unless it's someone trying to kind of
00:42:25
make a joke on how far can sort of you know go or something I don't
00:42:31
know I agree with you I don't know do we ask the peanut gallery what P Gallery tell us on YouTube comments I read those
00:42:37
comments Dana they're quite surprisingly positive oh this is funny my info from
00:42:42
you all right this is funny because we were talking last week about the crime
00:42:47
and I think I mumbled where's Charles Bronson and death wish that old movie where he would fight crime so someone
00:42:54
made all these posters up from uh Things We Said on the show this is
00:43:00
just one of them isn't that funny uh and you know it's done by AI I
00:43:07
mean he's literally talking into a oh maybe someone did that and said make me a poster yeah maybe but I can't remember
00:43:13
the to the AI or because it's so good yeah it doesn't matter yeah that's like
00:43:19
my head shot from my LA from like Emperor's New Groove or something but I don't care I I'll take it I like it I
00:43:25
think it's funny and well if they put you in an action film they'd make you look like
00:43:30
that he has give you long hair he's tired of everything but his blow
00:43:37
dryer am I holding a balloon or is that a Street Lamp that's a Street Lamp but it looks
00:43:43
like the AI made it look like it's a balloon God damn I it's a balloon okay well I'm on the move it's
00:43:50
cool okay what's next I like that [Music]
00:43:56
one
00:44:03
I had Lea oh hey Kea is that what they say when you walk in sushi think that's
00:44:09
what's happening in Spanish keaa I had a difficulty learning German
00:44:16
in high school it's a very tough language uh I did it through textbooks and a teacher I would have rather had
00:44:23
Rosetta Stone you know you not being able to learn German is fatty very
00:44:28
interesting but stupid but stupid now Rosetta Stone is the most trusted language learning program we know this
00:44:35
available on desktop as an app truly immerses you in the language you want to learn yeah this is um planning a trip to
00:44:43
Italy and um I think Retta stone is my ticket to uh speak a better language hey
00:44:49
hey I want a pizza pie but I'll be saying it in Italian hey I want the pizza pie sounds like that's better
00:44:56
English but still they say do you want to sound perfectly fluent or do you want to sound like
00:45:01
Ratatouille honestly trusted experts for 30 years David with millions of users
00:45:07
and 25 languages offered you want to hear some Spanish French oh Spanish a
00:45:13
French Italiano stman Korean Chinese jaes care Dutch Arabic
00:45:22
polish fast language Acquisitions Rosetta Stone should I read that's stra
00:45:28
it's it it immerses you in many ways no English translation so you really learn to speak listen and you think in the
00:45:34
language Dana that's the hard part no I do like their process the intuitive process picks up a language naturally
00:45:40
first with words then phrases then sentences it's designed for long-term retention David because we all took
00:45:47
Spanish in high school and all we can say is D bibla yeah I can find a library but nothing else retone is a game
00:45:54
changer it's like having a personal trainer for your access it's convenient we said the desktop the
00:46:00
app options audio companion you can do it offline um it's amazing value
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00:46:20
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00:46:46
Superfly today oh this is a story I wanted to tell you what you thought of this so show Otani Join This Is Now
00:46:55
Sports um he he is on the Dodgers now and he yes
00:47:03
and he um got his first home R $700 million deal he's the best player in Bas
00:47:09
best player in baseball from Japan by far yeah he's from Japan he shotani he hits a home run someone catches it I
00:47:16
think he and his wife they immediately get security and Scuttle them downstairs
00:47:22
right they hustle them underneath and they say hey
00:47:27
show would like that ball so we're going to give you like a bat and a glove and
00:47:33
they said maybe we would just keep it it's worth a lot and they said no we
00:47:40
won't authenticate it if you do so before you leave here you tell us right now what are you going to do so they
00:47:46
couldn't even consult with any it was a little bit of bullying I feel because they wound up getting a little bit of
00:47:52
merch and then they talked to a baseball collector and he said oh that's immediately worth $50 to $100,000 right
00:47:59
away if they wanted to sell it tomorrow and why is it worth so much it's his first home run as a Dodger player was
00:48:06
that why it's worth so much because he's hit hundreds of them I guess well it's his new team and his new deal and his
00:48:12
first home run and first is always a big deal so what did they end up doing did they I think they got a bat and like
00:48:18
they gave him some like popcorn and a Piata it was something stupid and then they I think they said when they left
00:48:24
they just gave it to someone cuz so many people were following them on the way out like what did you get and I think
00:48:30
they got nervous and gave it away this is part this is probably a lie but that's why well they're on the Jumbotron
00:48:36
so everyone would have seen them right so they've been tagged yeah they they could and people are drinking going out
00:48:43
through the tunnel yeah yeah could their lives could have been and they were sitting with Fernando Valen do you know
00:48:49
who that is he was an old Dodgers pitcher that was a legend and they wouldn't let him in the room or sit next
00:48:56
to them to help them figure out what to do so all of it was just sounding a little shady like we're not going to
00:49:02
authenticate it so you can't sell it so just give it every everything was pointing towards just give it and they
00:49:07
didn't get to think all right that's a riveting story okay cracks are back
00:49:13
Dana okay I know you've been saying this forever yes um we've come a long
00:49:19
way I think Chris sent me this Chris did you send this in crack this if you
00:49:26
wanted do Johnny Carson say cracks are back it is the perfectas Le do Johnny
00:49:32
have you heard the news about cracks cracks are back uh not to be confused
00:49:37
with Cracker Jacks so I know it sounds like I want a
00:49:43
cracker backer for d u those dresses are what I'd wear to a chiropractor to say
00:49:48
what does my spine look like I gave you a clear view yeah you could get a masseuse and just unlace it get the
00:49:54
massage and Lace it back up there's a lot of practical things going on with this look when you go into saxi Avenue
00:50:00
you go I'm trying to show my coxics in a dress so can you dress me so I excuse me
00:50:06
is this cracks Fifth Avenue like I'm addicted to CRA is always fun
00:50:13
so can you put this something yeah so listen I think we spent some years
00:50:19
trying to cover up the bodies then we take then we then we don't cover them up then we cover them up again so it just
00:50:25
goes in a flowing fashion roller coaster right well I was around for the peak of
00:50:32
the feminist movement the biggest story of the 1970s was the feminist movement not Vietnam not Watergate it was a huge
00:50:39
movement Gloria steum was one of the leaders of it and I just think putting
00:50:44
her in a time machine 35 years later thinking women equality they're not
00:50:51
going to be objectified and then crack Shar back she's like she oh
00:50:57
screaming why God why be why it's like H and Planet of the Apes seen the Statue
00:51:04
of Liberty why God why that's you nichas cage says that too
00:51:10
doesn't he well that's what I said that he he is a horse whisperer to this to the Biden
00:51:18
staff when Biden starts wandering around the stage and mumbling and they have so much anxiety they bring Nicholas Cage in
00:51:24
just to release the stress so want oh mo he's off script he's wanding around Nicholas Cage goes okay why God why and
00:51:33
it calms them down oh it does okay that's good yeah calms him down all
00:51:39
right show quickly there's C your back I'm not disappointed I'm not disappointed show the trash one they're
00:51:46
by the way while we're waiting for that Dana look here's Dana White sent me a little meteor and I put it in a little Jo dirt
00:51:54
wagon with my Lego Jo dirt I got from Disneyland why I went to Lego and they
00:52:01
go hey oh we knew you're coming we made you a Lego joder isn't that hot it's got a mop God on this podcast you got movie
00:52:10
posters you got you got gifts from Lego it is kind of it's it's uh quite
00:52:15
something what do I get a ham sandwich there you go so I got a gift I got a
00:52:20
honey do uh clean the kitchen I got a new Hobart that's not my
00:52:25
wife saying okay uh what is this story do you know what the story is can you
00:52:32
guess um I'm trying to read it disguised as
00:52:37
trash trash bag a package from home is that the a guy steals like a porch
00:52:45
pirate it was cut off but this guy dressed like a trash bag and walked up quietly to someone's porch and put it
00:52:52
over the package and then stole it and went back out to the stre
00:52:58
isn't that kind of cool Dana's flored by this
00:53:06
it's wellit what say that one more time so he puts on a costume of a garbage bag
00:53:12
that's him it's a suit right and then he just goes like a cartoon and he comes up and
00:53:19
then he puts it over yeah and picks it up and they goes and he and everyone's
00:53:24
like is that trash so they looked at the ring footage and it just a trash bag goes up the sidewalk and then goes back
00:53:31
down and they caught him so he just work does he see the footage and then laughs
00:53:36
his ass off or what what's the joy the guy that the guy that is in the house getting his [ __ ] stolen said where' it
00:53:42
go and he played it back and he saw the trash bag stealing it the guy stealing it gets to steal the package right yeah
00:53:49
the guy stealing it gets to steal the package okay because I didn't I didn't see the whole by line so it's a thief
00:53:55
who's disguised the trash bag and just creeps up steals the package and creeps away yeah okay and that's a new
00:54:00
interesting way to steal well this is here's the here's here's my hot take if he's that clever
00:54:09
he probably could make a lot of more money in other ways a job if he's that he's building this contraption like we
00:54:16
should it's got to be the right size this could have move in the Ryan
00:54:22
Gosling we should have pitched this sketch there you go um all right well all I have Dana what do you think we've
00:54:28
gone pretty late but what do you think I know we did pretty good though I've been
00:54:34
re I've been reading spiritual books eer tole um he's that little German guy and
00:54:41
he talks very slow and he stares into the camera yes and he sort of smiles the
00:54:47
whole point of life is to live in the moment and that's what he's he's written
00:54:52
like 10 books he's worth 8080 million just don't think about yesterday or
00:54:58
tomorrow I'm e and I thought damn that's a I mean so I'm writing a book called
00:55:04
life is a [ __ ] show get used to it good night life is a [ __ ] sandwich take a
00:55:10
bite um but you know I was thinking about gurus and stuff the guy does have
00:55:15
great ideas I mean there was ROM dos and gurus and and I think per
00:55:20
capita the most gurus seem to come from India even if they make their way to America mhm and what they do I think
00:55:30
intentionally is they grow their mustache over their mouth so it looks
00:55:36
like they're telepathic so it'd be like I want to tell
00:55:41
you the r are doing many things in the name of Beast hey wait a minute are you
00:55:49
are you are you telepathic or your lips moving you're I can hear you it's a good
00:55:54
question of course you can you you can hear me but you
00:56:00
can't tell if it's me talking account of my long mustache well the mustache seems
00:56:07
to move every time you talk that is just random wind that's wind I that's all
00:56:15
they all beard too kind of Blends into the beard it's all nothing you're hearing my
00:56:21
thoughts why are your fingers M you're hearing my thoughts I wish I could talk I can't
00:56:27
anymore I can only think and you can hear me see from the side it's
00:56:35
much I have the answer to everything on planet Earth now give me a million
00:56:41
dollars you [ __ ] face finally but I it all money always
00:56:47
comes gur the M the gurus are always good all these people that I'm going to
00:56:53
save you and save your spirit and soul and there's always sex comes into it at some point they're like oh we worship
00:57:00
you you're the new Messiah right I will be having sex with everyone this is just something I'm getting from above and
00:57:05
it's just nothing it's not anything you don't worry about we will be having sex with my choice of people every day but
00:57:10
we're all still part of the group so that seems to be I don't know if it's a cliche but it does seem like
00:57:17
eventually you find out that the guy is really horny so he's up there preaching and I believe that men and people and
00:57:24
Mankind and peace lovely and live in the moment and now I'd like you to approach
00:57:31
The Altar and squat my L Jamba like
00:57:37
what L Jamba the girl's like what am I
00:57:44
do I mean it's basically a [ __ ] but uh listen I'm going to point to the
00:57:52
crowd and then give me a little money I mean give you know the whole Spirit a little money after they're like wait I'm
00:57:58
a pretty girl IIT I do the Lolly Jamba and then I give you money this feels a
00:58:03
little backwards no I don't make the rules I shaved my mustache so now I just
00:58:10
hold my hand over my mouth you can't tell if it's just me talking to you look
00:58:16
at my eyes look how big they get I have all the
00:58:22
answers now give me a million dollars give give me that goly bumba jumby
00:58:29
Jumba get on that thing it's good we hope we've emancipated ourselves we do any
00:58:36
character we want I like that Bali Jamba all right well I guess the people
00:58:41
have had enough I just got a message the audience had enough I I think so it's two hours a
00:58:48
week of us now with flying the wall Superfly you can spend 7% of your we
00:58:55
life see here our random Shenanigans yeah it was a good one well we want to thank we want to thank Sarah Sherman for
00:59:02
popping by sh Sarah Sherman thank Ryan Gosling for quirky maybe doing our
00:59:07
sketches and um and if she she'll tell us if she does the head thing I think
00:59:13
she's so quirky she would jump on that that that's something right up her alley I thinka could write that yeah and I
00:59:19
think we will excise it if she uses it but I do think surprising him on air
00:59:25
that's the thing funny this has been a presentation of
00:59:30
Odyssey Superfly is executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade Charlie
00:59:35
finan of Brill entertainment Jenna Weiss Burman of Odyssey Heather Santoro and Greg Holzman hope you liked
00:59:42
[Music]
00:59:48
it
