00:00:00
i think we're starting Uncle Albert we're so starting go what a rough bad joke to start with
00:00:07
yeah um well buddy um so bad it's kind of hip i'm going to go with that
00:00:14
i'm dark again cuz I'm wearing black but uh that's okay uh you have a little bit
00:00:19
of blue otherwise yeah you'd be if you painted that wall black and wore that
00:00:24
you'd be a floating head and there's nothing wrong with that it i will paint it different color i look [ __ ]
00:00:31
awesome it was my own brightness is down people like to see this BTS
00:00:36
too yeah the whole light thing is u interesting you know sometimes too much
00:00:42
light ain't good yeah yours looks really good but uh you like you have the window right there and I it's too bright for me
00:00:48
to stare into a window i think just so the people at home don't know all my ailments news flash finally got curtains
00:00:56
whoa oh so the curtains are now I you know I know this is a a multi-million
00:01:01
dollar Well actually we're the comedy podcast of the year um and but technically we're we're just sort of DIY
00:01:09
uh but I have a curtain that it's darker in here than normal holy [ __ ] i didn't
00:01:15
get CCD on this so you bought curtains in the last week no my wife had to order
00:01:22
them from France they took six months i don't know what it is so when I would take a nap I'd have bright sun right on
00:01:28
my face i'm trying to snooze now it's fantastic oh yeah honey oh I have I went
00:01:35
farther than that but I do have drapes different word for curtains drapes are
00:01:41
good okay here's a little insert on drapes one of the first regular comedians I ever saw Mark Miller i'm
00:01:49
just going to little comedy clubs i didn't unknown comics i didn't know anything about anything his killer line
00:01:55
was "Sometimes I wonder where the custom of urinating on drapes came from."
00:02:00
Something like that i thought "God that's brilliant."
00:02:05
Jack you know it's funny i did comedy and magic club last night to uh bless you to um prep for Boston and some where
00:02:14
what is it in New Jersey Heather the name Evston maybe no she doesn't know let's promote those
00:02:21
yeah I've got those next clean i want them to go clean i got clean get I got I
00:02:26
got Omaha de Moine is almost full low ticket
00:02:32
warning get him while you can you are hot i'm just going to say it after landing the for sure we have
00:02:39
confirmation the most popular single moment of 50 years of Saturday Night
00:02:45
Live the special confirmation from three or four different guests that sane so at
00:02:51
this point it's a known fact that for the 50th year it wasn't Lauren's show it
00:02:56
wasn't you know John Malany all the superstars Steve Martin it was David our own David Spade from the bleachers
00:03:05
spontaneously saying uh yeah I got a feel for it
00:03:12
it's kind of an honor in a way i mean we already got Comedy Podcast of the Year from iHeart and now we've got the number
00:03:19
one line spoken oh yeah no I'd like to hear that from
00:03:24
the guests that always feels good because when you go all the way out there and you want to hang out there you just want anything a line anything so
00:03:31
I'm excited by the way for those of you who missed those episodes we don't bring it up
00:03:37
i certainly wouldn't out of envy and jealousy i would never bring it up we never bring it up the guest brings it up
00:03:43
and then we talk about it for a half hour but we've never brought it up except today because someone yesterday
00:03:48
brought it up oh well I appreciate it and I'm uh I will tell you I'm going
00:03:53
Heather says I'm going to Burger New Jersey bergen bergen jeez we can't even get it right
00:03:59
at all i thought it was called Evans performing Arts Center oh Bergen are you going off market i mean are you going
00:04:06
into I mean where you're going to town now you used to play Pittsburgh Chicago
00:04:12
Miami and now you're in Bergen New Jersey i mean no you know what I haven't done in a while pittsburgh and Toronto
00:04:18
and those two are going to be on the list to get to because when I announced tour dates all people do is say "Why
00:04:24
aren't you coming to this city blah blah blah but I've hit a lot of them i you know I just did Theo's uh podcast the
00:04:31
other it's not on till May 6th because that's when the Amazon special is." So it's going to coordinate with that but
00:04:37
um we laugh god what was I gonna say about that podcast we laughed a lot he gives you high praise of course always
00:04:44
uh Dana gets it from all sides he is he is a really good person i'll say that from personal experience yeah yeah and
00:04:51
he's running around LA now so uh we're editing that uh my week oh I did one
00:04:56
Corpy and uh Dana and I if you don't know we voice text each other every day
00:05:01
a bunch of dumb stuff we actually try to put work into this podcast it does not seem like it but we do it's possible cuz
00:05:09
I never erase anything that we would eventually release all of our all of our
00:05:14
walkietalkie chats cuz when when when people in the room like my wife and
00:05:19
stuff or my son they hear them they just think they're so funny because we're just really being real right because we
00:05:26
don't care at all and we don't care at all and we're just trashing the humanity humanity humanity is in the crosshairs
00:05:34
yeah uh the funny thing about my corporate was I think it was for the of course I didn't understand it these big
00:05:40
companies Heather was it the bank the bank branding oh god she doesn't know one
00:05:47
thing the branding banks of America whatever something with banks 2,000 people in Las Vegas lot of
00:05:53
fun uh you know those things where the CEO wants to say hi all those stuff all those things that if they're not in your
00:05:59
deal you just do them and it's and people at home should know there's a lot of performers that are real sticklers
00:06:06
about that like hey the CEO has this kid here he wants to say hi no that wasn't
00:06:12
part of it you don't want to just walk in and let the boss who's paying you be nice to him for a second while you eat
00:06:18
some cantaloupe cantaloupe squares from your green room some rider yeah so uh
00:06:26
anyway by the way that guy was cool his kid was nice and we you know had a good
00:06:31
show uh supposed to do an hour hour is a bit heavy for these things but you know
00:06:36
they pay you they want their money i say they don't know sometimes you know uh
00:06:42
like you be able to tell if it's been a long conference oh I always say when did they get up well they they got up at
00:06:48
6:00 a.m how long have they been in meetings nine hours when was the is there an open bar yes when did the open
00:06:55
bar start at 5 when do I go on 10 i think you're going to want a 35 at that
00:07:02
point yeah it's fun to see me then after a while they go "Fuck this dude let's get back." They want to go party in
00:07:08
Vegas or something or sometimes you're a surprise which is even funnier cuz they all start to get up from their meeting and they go "Hold on." They go "Oh
00:07:14
what?" They go "We've got a guest." They're like "Oh come on we just finished." But anyway did it a lot of
00:07:22
fun at 4:00 in the afternoon that's a rare one i love that what I hate is 10
00:07:28
and I'm doing a private party where I found out that I follow kids birthday a
00:07:34
heavy metal rock band for an hour and then I go up and they want me to do 50
00:07:41
ladies and gentlemen I hope you enjoyed Skull [ __ ] now here is Dan Garnney
00:07:47
they're going to have all the the flashing light yeah please put the fireworks out
00:07:54
we thank you for enjoying Twisted [ __ ] here we go we've got one more quick performer he's going to do an hour 10
00:08:01
yeah i you know [ __ ] you they're ordering drinks doing blow and then I
00:08:06
come out in that special and I get a stand on just that one who
00:08:11
has a green car you know what's funny i'll tell you this last night at Comedy Magic because there's a lot of people do
00:08:18
crowd is there magic of all no magic last night and it's funny because they always usually have a magician i think
00:08:24
because I had Bobby and Jeff Cesario all right so no magic no magic you know the
00:08:29
crowd's in a bad mood already the crowds they they if you do crowd work one funny
00:08:35
trick that comics do have you ever seen this maneuver mhm like they go "Hey how many kids you have?" And they go "Two."
00:08:43
They say some normal answer and then the guy goes "Oh." And he has no joke so he goes "The other night this lady said she
00:08:49
had nine." And I was like blah blah and he says a joke and I'm like are you
00:08:54
referring to another night when you said an adlib that was funny in that scenario
00:09:00
and repeating it and they're like "Yeah it's called it's called the pivot." It's like it's a good back two weeks where I
00:09:06
had a better ad liib off the top of your head how many kids you got two what would be the most reasonable adlib that
00:09:13
would you get a laugh on just that it's not a great setup well uh I think I
00:09:20
would if you're a good crowdwork guy you go "What is most common answer?" And I'll think of a joke ahead of time why
00:09:26
have you Oh go ahead yeah I'll hear yours how many kids you got two two so your husband enjoyed his
00:09:33
vaccine [ __ ] i So you you got your tubes tied
00:09:40
so you got one from each nut i guess you're done i didn't get my tubes tied all right fire three
00:09:47
so okay what if I have four kids four kids okay you're one shy of a basketball
00:09:53
team so I say get frisky you've got a full game of pickle ball uh I have We
00:10:01
have seven kids doubles we have seven kids david Spade what's your Oh uh what team in the NBA are you on we have seven
00:10:09
kids what are you [ __ ] nuts yeah dude this guy is [ __ ] folks and
00:10:15
it's landing [Laughter] this guy bullseye this guy is the Arnold
00:10:21
Schwarzene egg of sperm yeah I find my way to the egg it's not a problem for me
00:10:26
here we go swimming through the water this guy got seven yatsis
00:10:33
uh okay but but the good one is you go with a couple and they're not married
00:10:39
they're just dating the first and it's awkward laughs awkward laughs and And what do you do for a living i I'm a
00:10:45
student oh so you're unemployed or oh so you're broke there's there's you know
00:10:50
but the best before you say go ahead no the we said this before but it it is illustrative we're on this topic the the
00:10:58
most popular put down in the 80s versus the most popular put down the last five years most popular put down in the 80s
00:11:05
someone heckles you hey man I don't come to Jack in the Box when you're working
00:11:11
huge laugh today I don't I don't come to your job
00:11:16
and slap the dick out of your mouth while you're working that's the difference in the culture yeah yeah it
00:11:23
used to be I don't come to McDonald's and knock the broom out of your hand when you had never heard that you never heard
00:11:29
that that was what I used to hear i don't come to McDonald's and slack a milkshake out of your mouth i don't pull
00:11:35
you away from the milkshake machine well do you ever have a bid on how many hamburgers they sold because there were
00:11:41
a lot of people doing that oh it was 1 billion for a while they used to announce it on the out front i think
00:11:47
they went you know 100 million they got to a billion and I think eventually they just go billions and billions
00:11:53
no and then they said "We've sold a shitload believe us believe me trust me
00:11:59
the golden arches are actually made of diamonds." Yeah well I know we're going to talk about topics but I I don't I
00:12:08
don't think the topic of the movie news about the rumor of the bodyguard i don't think we're going to talk about that but
00:12:14
I heard that and I was going to ask you if the movie The Bodyguard you've heard of it i know a lot about Whitney Houston
00:12:22
i I worked the director who directed the bodyguard for years late Mick Jackson so
00:12:27
I know a lot about the bodyguard okay so what would you say if you heard it was going to be Taylor Swift in a remake
00:12:35
that's not a bad pick yeah super famous
00:12:42
i got a feeling my blink on on that is that she would actually be a really good actress and she'd be good in it cuz
00:12:49
Whitney wasn't an actress was she no but you know Cosner uh is extremely talented and really
00:12:57
smart and I think that she made her So he was you know the de facto
00:13:02
co-director he's Cosner you know he directed Dances with Wolves and I think he made her good i mean if you're on a
00:13:09
movie where the director shits on you or there's 3,000 takes but if you're with Coer and goes "No just do this do this."
00:13:15
I mean she was great in that movie or he's trying to make himself look good and you look bad a lot of you know there's people out there starring and
00:13:21
directing you never know what you're getting but yeah if I was if we were in a movie together I'd be your you know
00:13:27
I'd be your Cosner and you'd be the Whitney Houston i'd be like "David I'll just be look I talk like this just
00:13:33
natural you don't have to push you know and you would be great." And you'd carry me out of every scene i accept it i go
00:13:40
"Yeah thank you it's more fun to go with it." Yeah sneaky condescension yeah you'd be like
00:13:47
"David the reason I have all the jokes in the scene you know it's just too hard to explain let's just do Well let's let's fantasize for a second what would
00:13:54
be the two best leads for remake of the Bodyguard man and woman okay so if it's Taylor Swift which I heard the rumor and
00:14:02
the rumor was the director was the director of her era tour which I don't know if that's a smart idea but there's
00:14:08
probably better directors for story uh maybe Michael B jordan
00:14:14
he's cool maybe Ryan Gosling Chris Pratt and Katy Perry done wait oh
00:14:21
you're switching it okay katy Perry but she's still shaking from her space trip
00:14:26
i'm going to do a I'm going to talk about the spaceship in a minute rush okay we're almost there i worked on it
00:14:32
for seven hours it's so [ __ ] great it's so fantastic okay well we'll hurry
00:14:37
up through the bodyguard so we can talk about I heard Should we finish the Have we finished the bodyguard are you Yeah
00:14:43
we got it we We just cast it it's done yeah well they Ryan Ryan Gosling's not a bad choice that guy's great yeah yeah
00:14:50
okay so go ahead so this has been trending a little long we're just gonna
00:14:55
put it to rest here but we're at the tail end of it i heard a rumor it's gotten so big you know the idea that a
00:15:00
lot of it was faked a lot of people wasn't quite real who was really in the spaceship all So I heard a rumor that
00:15:08
they're going to have a a sent Senate uh committee investigated now oh wow okay
00:15:15
here we You uh Miss Gail King now you and some
00:15:20
folks supposedly went on a spaceship is that correct yes yes we did uhhuh and
00:15:26
you were afraid of going on that spaceship weren't you Miss King sure a
00:15:32
little bit now now your best friend is Oprah
00:15:38
Winfrey is that correct she's my Yes friend in quotes yeah she tweeted "And
00:15:43
by the way I have no being my bonnet over this i don't have an apple up my tush i'm just trying to get to the
00:15:49
essence here." Now your best friend the essence tweeted a week ago Tuesday that
00:15:57
my friend Gail King is going into space
00:16:02
wink wink what supposed she meant by that her words not mine wink wink you
00:16:09
didn't go into space did you order over you You never were in that spaceship were you did you say order order order
00:16:15
or order you never went up there it was all fake oh people are yelling come on good this committee my time's up this
00:16:22
committee Sir Mr kennedy you I'm sorry my time's up i didn't mean to disturb you
00:16:30
okay and seen Patrick can jump cut that that's good maybe the wink is more like
00:16:35
she's your girlfriend right but you're like "Well why would she say she's going up to space and wink wink she's my
00:16:42
girlfriend?" Why did Did she really say that i don't know i made everything up oh I like it but there was a fake hand
00:16:48
and you know you know I will say that the whole idea sounded like everyone was
00:16:54
you know a not coked up but it sounds like an idea that you would do in college and you're wasted and you go
00:17:00
"Hey do we still hey Jeff do we still have that old spaceship in the backyard?" And he's like "Yeah why?"
00:17:07
Well we should brush the cobwebs off could it get a couple hundred feet in the air i'm sure it could let's make a
00:17:12
national story out of it well here's how it happened David okay let me know i don't know how it happened now slide a
00:17:18
hand they're getting ready they're going they got their jumpsuits on this and that now one by one looks like they're
00:17:23
going on but they're actually ducking around there's a trap door they go safely underground and they're like a
00:17:30
hundred yards away in the tunnel they have the dummies are put up they're they're popped up by remote okay they
00:17:37
have a little anti-gravity thing in their little thing that they get in but they never go up into outer space that's
00:17:43
the Oh they Oh they don't other shot there's a little TV studio maybe they filmed it first they filmed their anti
00:17:51
studio that's better too but there's no way and and the they went in outer space
00:17:56
i'm Oh wow i Well they weren't Were they not supposed to go they're not going to the Van Allen belt the one I couldn't
00:18:02
remember the other day wink wink now you do i know it now [ __ ] but here's the thing now the first people that went
00:18:09
on that rocket I'm doing Kennedy again probably were a little more serious
00:18:14
because when they do rockets the first 10 usually blow up then they had five
00:18:20
successful successful ones let's put a dude in it or a woman so by the time they went up it was kind of like party
00:18:27
time and and then everyone [ __ ] on them but it was just gals having fun i do
00:18:32
have to say I have two things to say and they're both very important one is I know they I know it's girl
00:18:40
power and they say women went up but at a certain point if we're all supposed to be equal just say five people went up
00:18:47
and we always separate people and it should be just like hey they're good they're smart they can get up there like
00:18:53
that's fun I don't think they should consider it such a victory like we did what the boys did because there are
00:18:58
female astronauts and absolutely and also when Elon saved those people no one
00:19:05
cared about at and even the female astronaut that was up there for 9 months got about 2 seconds of air time no one
00:19:11
gave a fat [ __ ] about her because she wasn't a model but she did do a lot and she did go through a lot that's a that's
00:19:18
a really interesting story the hell out of you and she was up there banging around that tin can so she's a very
00:19:24
interesting woman that should get some award for something but listen these these women went up had fun i don't even
00:19:30
know how it started or why it started but it was a really really big story um
00:19:36
if not only on Tik Tok it it it it visit us it visited us on the podcast because
00:19:43
Yes carol Leafer was doing a show okay so it's three women and it's and then
00:19:49
all of a sudden they go ladies comedy night out or whatever the name of but if
00:19:54
you me and Theo go out and do a stand up and they go boys night out here they go yeah all right
00:20:01
but more than half the population is women so I want to change it people want
00:20:09
Yeah they're doing a lot uh and and the the jokes were so pretty funny that's
00:20:14
why we're at the tail end of it but some of the stuff I heard on uh just reading and Instagram everyone was clowning on
00:20:21
and then they're getting clowned on for clowning on it it's all hysterical it's all it was just it was mild amusement
00:20:28
for the culture in the tumultuous times we will perennially live in so anyway it
00:20:33
was nothing serious it happened [Music]
00:20:44
dana I'm a little bit of a a spendy Suzie if you know what I mean a a boozy Suzie and a spendy Suzie i'm more of a
00:20:51
boozy Susie but yeah yeah you are you are a spendy spender yeah and a lot of our uh listeners are nice enough to
00:20:57
write in and say "You look like you drank a lot and slept on your face." But that's just constructive criticism well
00:21:04
it's very concise and uh you don't really drink very much i'll tell the fans but just puffy uh this is where
00:21:11
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00:21:17
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00:21:23
it's sometimes good to have a partner like that and I'll say it again clara which I I assume is Swedish cla is your
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00:22:24
terms and conditions apply i'm just going to do I'm just going to say it
00:22:29
it's a CLA summer you know randomly sometimes people ask for your driver's license
00:22:36
and so I'd like to see ID please either they have to scan it or something whatever and then I I'm I'm a senior and
00:22:42
I'm I'm trying to find my license and I feel like such a [ __ ] early onset
00:22:48
demented idiot i'm going I it was in here you know and it's like a car it's between two credit cards and I put all
00:22:55
the cards out it's like it's like the amazing Creskin like where the [ __ ] is my driver and they're looking at me like
00:23:02
you [ __ ] [ __ ] you're like that magician Ronnie Jay or somebody you know
00:23:07
where they they So it's like a card trick they go you're like "It is in my wallet." Mhm and then you pull out a
00:23:13
bunch of cards it's going to be one of these and you lay them out then you start flipping them over is that my
00:23:18
wallet no that's not that's my Montgomery Wards credit card yeah exactly and they really want the license
00:23:25
here's my Discover card what else here's my uh gym membership from Nautilus do
00:23:30
you have a Do you have a stickick this is what I do every time I hand a credit card to someone oh yeah i just found it
00:23:36
in the parking lot and I really hope it goes through and then I kiss it oh no i have worse they laugh so hard do you
00:23:42
have something i have um when the check comes and you go like this okay great
00:23:48
who ordered the couch that's when it's high got nothing from
00:23:54
Heather on that one that was funny though that's a good one i like that yeah no and then I go like this oh hm do you
00:24:02
have financial aid and then I go like this do you guys
00:24:08
have a layaway okay can I put a layaway on this crab cake
00:24:14
oh I did hear this duh what's your name dana that at Coachella oh yeah that they
00:24:22
you know getting it's getting so expensive in the whole world that this is something they're doing obviously
00:24:28
it's an expensive world i don't know if it's a great idea to do not layaway but payments for concerts
00:24:35
now so it's that so you can spend like $49 to get a great pass at Coachella but
00:24:42
you have to pay it off oh here comes Heather oh no fire Festival 2 is postponed who
00:24:51
would ever see that coming let me just make a note i'm going to have to call yeah wait tell When you When are you
00:24:57
going to tell Paula i'm gonna call Warren Grant after this call our
00:25:03
business manager and say "Hey uh I did I bought the milliondoll pup tent for that
00:25:09
one." Um can you just tell them to send it back to me on Venmo
00:25:15
i think sometimes human beings like things being expensive because it seems like it's got to be better like it's a
00:25:22
$200 steak oh it's got to be good and guess what not so good
00:25:27
yeah I've had some ratty [ __ ] yeah ratinfested fatty gristle is one of the
00:25:33
worst words in the English language sickening sickening what about when you get I don't like wagoo when they go it's
00:25:41
the fatty meat don't want to say the word fatty is that your sales pitch where you go tuna
00:25:47
it's the more fattier one sick get lost i know as if it's more flavorful sick
00:25:52
who wants fat no I don't want fat my dad would always make us eat steak he would
00:25:58
buy the cheapest steak you could ever get and put it in a freezer in the garage and then you'd get it and it was
00:26:03
just gristle and bone with a tiny bit of meat on it oh Jesus Christ get the
00:26:08
gristle same thing with the carol syrup we couldn't afford maple syrups we got this white see-through syrup caro and
00:26:16
the ants loved it it was so sweet the ants all over it and inside of it and he goes I go "God there's ants in this." He
00:26:23
goes "Oh Jesus Christ it's protein these are quotes yeah I believe it for
00:26:29
sure yeah also ants get too high on it they're like "What the [ __ ] they're not
00:26:35
ready for it." Yeah even the ants are just But he would do this he'd get up
00:26:41
Sunday morning he'd pull put so much oil in this big pan considered himself this
00:26:46
great chef he pancake batter he'd make the pancakes and they'd just be bubbling with oil on the oil yeah on the oil so
00:26:54
the first three or four batches he would call Krispies cuz the oil would just harden and bubble over and he got me a
00:27:01
huge stack i'm like six years old he goes "Oh Jesus Christ Dane loves the Krispies." Which I didn't so I ate
00:27:08
Krispies and then I threw up trying to make dad happy so horrible so sad uh
00:27:15
let's go back to Coachella because Coachella was a big deal this it's it's also this weekend
00:27:20
is that your idea of having a good How many outhouses would there be i heard it was outhouse light because I saw a city
00:27:27
council meeting yesterday what am I watching where the guy was like and it was some old women going like this you
00:27:34
really did us dirty and he's like he's from like what's it called golden Voice
00:27:40
or whatever does all these live nation he's like hey man couple of [ __ ] blips you know and they're like "Yeah it
00:27:47
was 12 hours of traffic they were stuck in people ran out of gas." "Yeah we got some bugs some hiccups they always
00:27:53
reduce it to nothing there's no bad." She goes "There's no facilities." And he's like "I know is
00:28:00
this a local woman or Yeah she's in Palm Springs and she's saying she's 21 years old you ruined our town." No she's about
00:28:06
300 and she's like going "Oh why you ruined our city with this [ __ ] we had an
00:28:13
infestation of hippies on our property do you know the tattoo count
00:28:19
suffocating in the backyard they pooped on our barrel
00:28:26
cactus yeah there's people that The best move is to go to the Madison Club that really killer Mike Meldman uh you know
00:28:34
place down there has all the juicy houses it's like a housing development
00:28:39
they have them all over the country and they're just so kick-ass and you're close to Coachellis you can hear it and what I'm hearing Dana and do not [ __ ]
00:28:46
repeat this don't worry I'm recording this is that these girls go down there and of course they have the tra life
00:28:52
they get whatever so some rich guy has the house they go down they stay at the house sometimes they don't even go to
00:29:00
the concert they just hear it and then just do their molly and all their drugs at the house and get wasted and take a
00:29:05
million pictures of themselves i love everything for life i'm out there grinding
00:29:11
well do people want to go there because it's hard to get in and it's really expensive and it's where the cool people
00:29:17
are does anyone really have a good time at Coachella unless you have special passes special seats helicopters and by
00:29:24
the way I just got to say yes I watched Benson Boon is that his name benson the
00:29:32
TV show no Benson heather would know award with the jumper yeah so he's
00:29:37
wearing He looks like he's from the 70s he looks like uh Bert Lancaster in the movie Trapeze he's wearing like a
00:29:44
trapeze onesie yeah I saw him and he did a flip off the piano well no and he's
00:29:49
doing he's covering um he's covering Queen Bohemian Rapsy and then singing
00:29:56
the song and then doing triple flips off the piano over and over again and running and sprinting and so I had to
00:30:02
say I was entertained i'm like you're taking a circus performer giving him a
00:30:07
really good So he's tumbling doing and he did a magic trick at the end he had pick a card any card as he finished
00:30:14
nothing really matters and he flipped the card and was like "No he did not did
00:30:19
he?" Because first of all let's start with he's good-looking once you're
00:30:25
good-looking well everything's easier after that he can sing no he can sing
00:30:31
heather is he yeah um he can sing picking Bohemian Rapsy the best part was
00:30:38
bringing the real Brian May to play guitar and no one gave a fat [ __ ] that was sad smattering of applause people
00:30:45
like "Who's this old guy?" I was able I was on a Zoom with Brian Man a couple
00:30:50
years ago and I said that Bohemian Raps City was a full-blown masterpiece of pop
00:30:56
rock and he's very humble about it oh jeez thank you but he had had a little stroke he's recovered he comes out giant
00:31:04
mop with white hair and he just nails it and it make reminds you how brilliant his solo is on that song is amazing the
00:31:12
song's amazing but Benson Boon has pipes i guess he's good-looking i don't get it
00:31:18
but no I'm kidding that's a joke and Brian May the comments
00:31:24
were like "Who is that guy he needs conditioner in his hair." And I was like well that's sort of being superficial
00:31:31
for a superstar guitarist it's probably voted one of the top 10 of all time i
00:31:37
think he's might be underrated on those lists but he's definitely known by everybody else uh as one of the greats
00:31:43
and you know everyone's forgotten David i know every year that goes by if they
00:31:51
What percentage of Coachella would know who Johnny Carson was 0 one two zero to
00:31:57
1% yeah so that's all right but they do know Queen because right Queen has We
00:32:04
Are the Champions you know Dana you Yeah no one asked me this but I did do a video on YouTube for
00:32:12
Funny O Die clowning on Coachella about 10 years ago oh yeah I remember that you were at the funny yeah charlotte McKenna
00:32:20
comes in and I we make fun of her for attending Coachella i would post it but
00:32:25
you can't repost your funnier or dice so is Funny or Die still around i don't
00:32:31
know let's Let's look at a clip is it around Heather
00:32:38
and Oh they're on Tik Tok they Okay they are because they posted clips of it like one
00:32:44
minute clips of the whole thing is probably four or five minutes yeah uh okay what's the next story or are we
00:32:51
doing stories yeah what's the next one the panel of five judges was ready to hear his case when he asked to play a
00:32:57
video to make his case may it please the court i come here today a humble pro for
00:33:02
a panel of five distinguished justices is this Hold on is that counsel for the
00:33:09
case what it turned into was possibly the shortest career ever in a courtroom
00:33:14
in part because what's on the bottom right of your screen isn't a real lawyer or even a real person but an avatar
00:33:20
created by artificial intelligence the judge learning of this was not pleased i
00:33:26
don't appreciate being misleading seems like the Palm Springs
00:33:33
judges when you ask this whole thing is out of order how we know this isn't April Fool's joke so an AI lawyer look
00:33:41
like a cleancut guy in a sweater it looks like Dave Koulier on Full House
00:33:47
dave Koulier look Joey and that's our future starting that's our future is I
00:33:53
hate it if we're not rat [ __ ] between AI and April Fools we can't win
00:34:00
you know what we're going to do and I'll announce it now because it'll take time to get it together is we're going to have digital copies of ourselves do
00:34:06
Super of us okay and the the weird thing it might be the best episode oh what if they're way funnier what if they don't
00:34:14
stare in the camera at their hair like I do uh okay that was good though Dane i like
00:34:19
that one there's There's other ones i could see saying you know I thought that was going to be that the court was
00:34:27
AI so they could decide if you're guilty or not just by facts with nothing else
00:34:35
you know what I mean no personal opinion just this happened this happened here you go or just the law is this boom that
00:34:42
might happen yes i think so okay who is this the guy from the office
00:34:49
no okay speaking of which this guy tattooed
00:34:57
KR because you win 250,000 on a radio station so he did it on his forehead and
00:35:04
it's huge yeah now play it tattooed the word K R U D on his forehead hoping to win a $250,000 prize but it turned out
00:35:11
to be a thoughtless and insensitive April Fool's prank instead in 2021 a popular radio station named K R U D ran
00:35:17
a contest claiming that they would reward $250,000 to the first listener who tattooed the word KR U on their
00:35:24
forehead mr bell hoping to support his financially struggling parents jumped at the chance and got the tattoo only to
00:35:29
discover that it was all a hoax so surprisingly the radio station had confirmed that the challenge was real
00:35:35
when Mr bell phoned them just before getting the tattoo curious of being fooled into making such a life-changing
00:35:40
decision then he called ahead mr bell sued the radio station for $510,000 kru however claimed that it was
00:35:48
entirely Mr bell's fault for not recognizing the obvious prank and that the competition's terms and conditions clearly stated it was an April Fool's
00:35:55
prank despite their arguments the judge ruled in favor of Mr bell and he was awarded the $510,000 compensation for
00:36:01
the prank wow i agree i know but you know if you've watched it he takes out
00:36:06
just a wet rag and just wipes it off oh and he does it back do a temporary tat
00:36:12
jeez get 510 grand 510 grand must be nice
00:36:18
must be nice do we have the one with the the bully Greg oh yeah the bully's good
00:36:26
there's Oh yeah this one has a surprise ending all right this is everyone's nightmare in
00:36:32
school this is Spade getting bullied no actually I do hate bullies but go ahead
00:36:38
i'll just say that yeah this This is self-explanatory but it's
00:36:43
that guy think you're [ __ ] cool bud so I guess he's bullying his kids probably a teacher or something you want
00:36:48
to [ __ ] pick on some more kids i think he's a dad pick on some more kids
00:37:05
looks like Jason Kelsey the way that guy walks jeez
00:37:16
what's our world coming to dude no offense i would beat the [ __ ] out of every kid at that school you think that
00:37:22
was a dad a lumbering dad i think it was a dad that his kid got bullied and he went in to stick up for his kid oh okay
00:37:28
you want to do that it's kind of chilling now I make you feel bad now I make you feel bad for him yeah and then
00:37:34
the bravery and the shenanigans of pancing hulking angry adult but they
00:37:42
sprinted but they know he can't beat him up and he can't move i mean the way he
00:37:47
walks is he waddled so he's a little stiff he played a couple years and Yeah
00:37:53
jv football but um lot of Anyway I didn't I I don't
00:37:58
know if I love seeing his nutsick um no that was the humiliating part
00:38:05
maybe we can cut it out that was like a scene in me and grown-ups when they made me walk up the stairs uh okay so no it's
00:38:13
funny if if they'll let us it's fun it's the funny part look at this it's just a lot of stuff happening that you don't
00:38:19
see David you know you know what Dana you look but you don't see you hear but
00:38:24
you don't listen you live in David world quick impression you i'm going to K i'm gonna have fun i'm playing this city and
00:38:31
all the while this life is going on outside your little spade bubble you know what's funny about Koi is on Theo's
00:38:37
he's like "Remember?" I go "Remember we ran into Jellyfish or whatever that guy's name is?" Jelly Bean and he goes
00:38:44
"Jelly bean." And he goes "Yeah we were at Koi." I'm like "Of course we were at
00:38:49
How funny we were at Koi we go other places every story comes into Koi you and I don't go to Koi enough and I'm sad
00:38:56
uh it's got it yeah it's good they We have fun there yes because I like it
00:39:02
it's It's nice and cool the music's very benign it's dark and it feels very You
00:39:09
can sit out back now it's even even quieter um all right next story all right ktla
00:39:14
which I listen to sometimes m they accidentally post post the N word i'm
00:39:20
not laughing on X technical error Twitter come on what who's vetting this
00:39:26
on God's green earth they said here's what they said i think cuz this is a story from LA okay they they just put
00:39:34
that word and uh and tweeted it out okay but I think they said "Oh we were trying
00:39:40
to put the words to block." You know Heather you had to block stuff on my Instagram once oh
00:39:48
post oh yeah this is posting not settings yeah so it's a little flimsy we're
00:39:54
hearing from the audience but yeah either way run from this just
00:40:01
please hope the world keeps moving because are we something or that was it well it's hard
00:40:07
you get it they just put a tweet out that just said that word and they were like you know like "Hey everybody
00:40:13
and everyone's like "Huh huh a news station." And they're like
00:40:21
"Pushed wrong keys." Yeah sent mistake please yeah they had one guy and he has
00:40:26
had a private room his only thing was to vet the articles yeah well I missed it you know it was you know thought you
00:40:32
know I was had a big lunch you know pepperonis were you know make me temporarily blind when I press the send
00:40:41
temporary insanity no no it's perfectly right you know I should have and I don't
00:40:47
she's a beautiful okay that's a story next one okay you went into Owen Wilson
00:40:53
well I was going to do one Wilson shaming the guy you got to be better with that man you can't do that you got
00:40:59
to tell him not to put out words like that
00:41:04
[Music]
00:41:11
did you know we talked about Jack Black who's on the show who's not on he'll be on the show i think it's I think 2026
00:41:19
no 2025 he'll be on in like a week but yeah I'll be on in a week he can't wait
00:41:24
but we were joking about how people go crazy when the chicken jockey comes out
00:41:30
and I told you this is real this is a real one Heather when the chicken jockey comes out they used to throw popcorn
00:41:36
okay when the chicken jockey comes out look what they're doing Heather what is
00:41:43
They're lighting fireworks fireworks in a in the theater wow
00:41:50
and they're raining down on them yeah they're now people are panicked and running screaming
00:41:58
there's some part of the movie where it makes everyone go crazy and now it's a joke they all do it like Rocky Horror
00:42:03
but they're taking it too far oh you're saying this is Minecraft oh and a certain part everyone comes in
00:42:10
and lights on fireworks no at certain part everyone would throw popcorn they would do that but then this and then a
00:42:17
week later it's escalated to someone brought a live chicken in and then people on each other's shoulders then
00:42:22
they started throwing fireworks when they see the chicken they throw Yeah just like here's our time to go nuts and
00:42:28
the police came in when we talked to Jack it had just started at at a place where like "Hey guys don't go throw
00:42:34
stuff." And now oh Heather only heard the word chicken oh the word chicken got out of
00:42:40
the coupe and had fun chicken got out of the coop yeah it was a lot to unpack i will say this is that the movie's a
00:42:46
smash but when we talked with Jack he was just hoping it would get to 700
00:42:52
million i think it's getting very close to that already it's only been out two weekends so I told him it'll do a
00:42:59
billion and um if it does I'll I'll try to find him
00:43:05
get up in his grill a little bit under seventh he'll be on our show i
00:43:10
think the um I think
00:43:15
the No but I think what I think was I thought are you all right no I forgot my
00:43:22
train of thought you said May 7th you said many strokes are not conducive to no talk show f oh I was saying this
00:43:30
sort of controversy helps a movie a lot because every dopey kid goes "Oh we got
00:43:36
to go see this and see what people will do." Actually I'm going to bring a handful of rocks and then it escalates
00:43:42
so they can get on video and film it and post it and be like "I was at that one." Well the only thing as follows fireworks
00:43:50
fly around and fireworks can land in someone's eye and fireworks could blind
00:43:56
someone in the theater and then chain has a billion dollar lawsuit i know so
00:44:02
the movie makes a lot the theaters bum out they might sue the movie too no yeah
00:44:08
right i'm sure he doesn't he doesn't want this much chaos okay i'm a grumpy old man and I don't like fireworks in a
00:44:16
movie pistol Pete i'm trying to watch John Wayne
00:44:21
my day we used to put silly putty on a cartoons in my day we didn't have movie
00:44:30
theaters we make a sock puppet and make our sister laugh while it rained outside
00:44:36
we light that on fire yeah feature film did you ever go to a double feature you
00:44:42
go in at noon you come out at six o'clock oh or a drive-in not a drive-in
00:44:48
two two matineese in the afternoon i did double feature in a drive-in [ __ ] that's for raw dog i did
00:44:55
all night creature features oh I did not do that all night in the drive-in watching Edgar Alvin Paul Vincent Price
00:45:02
oldfashioned horror films till dawn [ __ ] my brother they know I'm the
00:45:08
scared one of the family hence Dandelion and they go "Hey come with us to see the
00:45:13
blood farmers at midnight." And I was like "That's not a scary one." And they're like "No." You think from the
00:45:19
title I might have deduced that it was scary it was so sickening i had to walk out and walk
00:45:25
home at 12 dana my friends and I this is why I'm [ __ ]
00:45:30
up which I probably said before we go "Oh what's that we're trying to see a movie high school but you know 16 what's
00:45:36
that?" Exor who sist what we go in we're in the third row i have no idea the original exorcist never had no idea and
00:45:45
it really disturbed me and I was you know just I was flipped out for a long
00:45:51
time after that i still haven't seen it yeah it's too much i swear I haven't seen it uh it's Yeah it's it's a
00:45:56
brilliant film when they bring in the devil you know what Coachell i have to say and this sounds like a little bit of a
00:46:02
pulp lady Gaga who is great I don't think they need this extra part where they're all adding this devil worshiping
00:46:09
satanic rituals in their act it's not just a quick thing they do a whole thing i just think it's I would walk out i
00:46:17
hate to say it maybe I'm alone i can't I don't know why they do it i don't know why it's cool and I don't know why if
00:46:22
worst case scenario it's just corny at this point sam Smith it's just so like
00:46:28
heavy and weird and dark why why why now listen we had AC/DC and they had like a
00:46:35
picture of a devil and obviously in the background what this is we know it's out there we just don't need it on the
00:46:40
jumbotron you know what I mean of life like it's in the background every time we're trying to get through life every
00:46:46
day why that offends me we don't know i mean I pitched you and it was a terrible
00:46:51
idea we did this gig recently that you were going to be in a really realistic devil costume like with big long hands
00:46:59
and nails and and then I was going to be dressed as the church lady and we were going to have like a battle royale and a
00:47:05
Oh right right right and you you got in the costumes and you were like I think
00:47:10
he wants out heather unzipped it you came out like I said "Why am I in the bad team and you're on the good team?"
00:47:15
Yeah but yeah they want a trend they're not they they're not superstars because they're dumb they know that that's going
00:47:22
to go somewhere devil worship what's What's next though hardcore porn right
00:47:28
sacrifice i mean it is it is a slippery slope i think so personally I sound like a bit of a prude but uh call me
00:47:37
oldfashioned legit concern for the world good music when I go to a music show
00:47:44
yeah sorry sorry i paid my $3,800 to sit in the 50th row i want a good show
00:47:52
well I've got my green wristband i get to go to the uh nacho stand in the Tater
00:47:59
Junction Hut let's do something you know let's get a a a band that just does all
00:48:05
the monkeys songs from the 60s something and call it Coachella and it's like 40
00:48:10
miles away it costs like $2 to get in just make a mini Coachella we probably
00:48:16
Yeah we could do a different But Coachella is hard to compete with it's a second weekend they're going to do it it's going to kill uh okay what's the
00:48:22
next story buskers mhm what's a busker mean again busker is
00:48:28
he selling stuff oh just a street musician street performer yeah trying to
00:48:33
make money all right let's see how good this guy is all right i'm from Norwich
00:48:38
he's from Noridge okay okay oh you do drums tell me if this sound is that him
00:48:45
that's him doing yeah they're kind of invisible it's just done by a computer no he's doing his mouth i call it only
00:48:53
invisible drum kit invisible drums here we go drum on the floor
00:48:59
that's pretty good right the high to my left the snare in the middle the bongo
00:49:06
on the top like this the snare's the floor toms
00:49:11
he's doing a beatbox deck that's good use Michael Winslow
00:49:19
different noises in this drum beat to begin warming up the voice
00:49:31
[Music] hey [ __ ] say "Huh i'd like to
00:49:36
know what he's got coming through that amp as far as helping out you know thank you
00:49:45
adding this sound i can do that
00:49:53
he's having a seizure a little bit faster this time i'll make it a drum bass beat everyone's just walking by no
00:50:00
one gives a [ __ ]
00:50:05
song's not very catchy the bass all right all right i'm going to have to
00:50:11
give this guy for 20 seconds let's see if Dan [Music]
00:50:20
can [ __ ]
00:50:25
it's a bus nothing yeah how about the high hat i like when they grab it yeah
00:50:30
you do sound effects okay you do that one just do the
00:50:40
[Music] It's so boring it's so bad it's so corny
00:50:48
why does I'm going to get an answer boring i'm sorry proper hey Danny you want to be bored this is what I When
00:50:55
people ask me how I slept it's what some people just do it to be nice hey good morning hey sleep good do
00:51:03
not even stumble into that with me i'll go into a whole saliloquy i'm like oh my god at first so I was so tired first of
00:51:09
all they're like oh are you giving a real answer i'm like so then I'm laying there then I'm tired but then I realized
00:51:15
I'm not even sleeping and then I slept to my side i try to sleep my back and then I heard a noise everyone's like
00:51:20
this please end this i I go on forever it's horrible
00:51:26
um maybe you need Do you wear a mask are you one of those people you wear a mask
00:51:31
i have a CPAC on my wiener yeah and that helps you sleep or
00:51:37
just makes a no it just feels good
00:51:42
i just look at Heather you know Heather about a half hour ago you were just staring and then you l this and I was like was that for us or
00:51:50
for something you're reading mhm i think Heather was snoring i think
00:51:55
it's I think she read something and then she uh it was funny though all right well
00:52:02
thanks everybody and uh thanks for listening we always appreciate it and
00:52:07
we'll talk to you later this has been a presentation of Odyssey
00:52:13
Superfly is executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade Jenna Weiss Berman of Odyssey Heather Santoro and
00:52:19
Greg Holtzman hope you liked it
00:52:24
[Music]
