00:00:00
Hey, David. Dana, I don't have time for pleasantries. We got such a hot show. Oh, we do. Let's tell Let's tell
00:00:06
everybody what's coming up. Well, we got a lot of hot big stories coming up. We're t We're talking again. We're
00:00:13
talking about UFOs. Please forgive us. We're talking about UFOs. I've got a hot take on the U situation in the Middle
00:00:22
East and what's going on there. And we've got some John Kennedy. We've got some Senator John Kennedy.
00:00:28
That's right. coming up and I was out with Adam and I've got all the juicy goss.
00:00:33
Oh, the behind the scenes of the Adam Sandler epic 50 city tour
00:00:39
tour of good. That's coming up in a sec. But first of all, how was your your uh
00:00:44
David, believe it or not, everybody just got off the road and came directly
00:00:49
to the studio as far as I can tell. Yeah, that's right. That I just got here from Seattle. Had a great time. Seattle
00:00:56
is a beautiful really, you know, especially when you fly over when if it rains anywhere a lot, it
00:01:03
makes it look nice. I would say Seattle andor Vancouver on a Sunday is kind of the best city in the
00:01:10
world. Wow. Unfortunately, they have three or four days a year of absolute sun.
00:01:17
I was about to say strong words from a weak man, but um hey, them fighting words. you weren't on
00:01:24
a live stream. You're actually pretty tough. Uh, I don't have my glowing back hair, which a
00:01:30
lot of people are going to complain about on YouTube. People can't read the little thing. They
00:01:36
can't see Superman. They like to see my fluffy mullet glowing. Let me ask you a question. When you were
00:01:42
in Seattle, the mullet looks great. Uh, the sidewalls, the whole thing. Uh,
00:01:48
did you go on the Space Needle? I did not. Um, they turned that into a co shot. Did you hear?
00:01:54
No, I'm kidding. Um, just for Cyclops in case or Godzilla. Yeah. Uh, no, I did I did get there. It
00:02:02
was kind of a pretty day. We got one of them and then I did a corporate. Now, of course, everyone loves to hear
00:02:09
what's your corporate gig about. It was four hotels
00:02:15
and funnily enough, I stayed in a hotel, so it all fit. All the pieces fit. But
00:02:21
here's the one thing. So you had 10 minutes of upfront riff. I saw a guy there that I went to high
00:02:26
school with. He worked for the company. And he says, "This is an awkward position to be in." Cuz everyone was
00:02:32
nice. The gig was great. But he says, "Oh, the CEO and his wife are great people. They know this girl
00:02:40
Jenny. You used to crowd what is couch surf. Always crashed at her house while
00:02:47
you were starting out." Okay. Okay. Does not ring a bell. And I said, "Oh, like I stated her." Okay. And
00:02:54
then I couldn't remember. I guess I'm old. I don't know. I I usually remember things. Well, were you there at the Comedy
00:02:59
Underground? Was that still around in Arizona? No. Sorry. I was in Seattle still.
00:03:05
Sorry. No. Okay. Back. No, he's he's from Arizona. Yeah. Oh, he Okay, got it. So, he's saying back then when I
00:03:11
started, I'm like, "Oh, okay. It does ring a bell." Then I So, I'm already I don't want to make him feel weird, but I'm like, "I
00:03:17
don't know." So then I go in and I do the meet and greet and the last picture is this couple that's obviously the CEO and
00:03:24
his lovely wife and she said, "Oh, by the way, we know Jenny." And I'm like, "Oh my god."
00:03:29
Oh yeah. I just went with it. I don't know. You can't. I do that all the time. You
00:03:35
probably don't. You probably don't remember me. I'm Steve. Are you kidding, Steve?
00:03:41
Because it's just better because they're so nice and they were and I just couldn't rack my brain. I didn't have time to go, "Wait, walk me through it
00:03:48
again." So, I was just like, "She is such a character. She was the biggest whore." Um, no. I didn't know what to
00:03:55
say. You know, she start running the wrong way with it. They're like, "What? No, that's not No, she's great." So, I
00:04:01
just said, "Oh, yeah. She was such a handful." I think I said something very generic.
00:04:06
I know. Well, remember when we were interviewing Paul McCartney? name drop
00:04:12
and I brought up meeting him at Lawrence and he made a funny face and he said, "All right, I don't know what to say about that."
00:04:18
You know, it was 40 years later and it was such a big moment for me, but how many times does he have fawning
00:04:24
people? You know, I know Dana was like, it was such it was the first 40 pages of my diary and he's
00:04:31
like, Lauren Michael and Eu,
00:04:36
I know, but the guy, poor guy, everyone shits their pants when they meet Paul. Of course, they don't forget it, but then he meets
00:04:43
a million people, you know, right? But the same thing, you were just David Spade in a comedy club. Probably, no
00:04:50
offense, not that good yet. um looked about 13
00:04:56
easy some taken. And to them then you became
00:05:01
iconic or super famous. It's a little strong. Yeah. Well, let's talk about your high school. Who in your high school is famous?
00:05:09
You know, Sandra Burnernhard went to my high school. You know, you know Sandra Burnernhard, right? Yeah. Yeah.
00:05:14
And uh all the presidents went to my high school. Uh, no, actually Sandra
00:05:20
Burnernhard went and that was a big deal because picture comedy. Mhm. And I have to say,
00:05:26
and this is what you say about meeting people. I was out in LA on Southwest. My
00:05:32
second year of standup going back and forth. I see her at the luggage rack, you know, this turn style.
00:05:38
Okay. I walk up and she's a pretty big deal. Was hanging out with Madonna at the time. She wasn't with her there at the
00:05:44
[ __ ] Southwest luggage wreck, but I said, "Hey, Sandra. Uh, my name
00:05:52
and I went to Sarro High School and so did you." And I'm out here doing standup.
00:05:57
Thinking she's going to what? Do cartwheels. She goes like this. Oh, okay.
00:06:02
And then she's looking for a bag and I go, "Yeah, cool, cool, cool, cool. So, uh,
00:06:08
I'm going to [ __ ] get out of your grill." and and then she just gave me nothing. And I was like, it really kind
00:06:14
of stung a little bit. Even though it just happened, she didn't do nothing wrong. I just, you know, I once um I had a head cold. I
00:06:21
flew to a gig in Florida, way back to San Francisco. My ear was out of
00:06:27
control. Like years late, I punctured it. Like years later, I went to an ear guy and he goes, "Hey, what happened
00:06:33
over here?" The cartilage was all decimated. So I was still in massive pain at the
00:06:39
oozing sand out of your luggage claim and that guy goes high school and I mean I was like I'm sorry
00:06:46
I'm in a lot of pain and uh I know but you said I'm sorry. So that Sandra Bernard that was in her
00:06:53
book heist and she had extreme diarrhea when she met you and needed to get out of there.
00:06:59
That was she said I'd had diarrhea from 1989 to 93. So, I was tough on people.
00:07:07
But no, she was fine. I might have even met her after that. I don't know. But I think when I met Madonna, I go, I met
00:07:13
your friend. Did not go well. Can I tell you my Madonna story, please?
00:07:19
Uh, well, she was in the Wayne's World film and she was around a little bit. She was at Wayne's World on SNL when you
00:07:25
did Wayne's World, right? Yeah, we did a short film and you know, and so she was cool, but I just stepped
00:07:32
in it without knowing. She came over to our table at the party and um I think I said something really stupid because she
00:07:38
was so fit. You know, I said the thing I admire about you and I shouldn't have said admire about you
00:07:43
most. I might have accidentally said that is you know how fit you are. And I can see later how she took offense
00:07:50
to it. And she basically kind of said um you know like uh the thing you admire
00:07:58
about me is how fit I am. You know, like I'm a [ __ ] artist. You know what I mean? So she said, "Yeah, but come on."
00:08:04
Kind of like, "Fuck you." or something like that. So let me finish the story. So I did Chris Farley's thing, which I'd
00:08:10
seen him do because I just was triggered. So I go, "Dadonna, can you hear this? Let me turn it up for you."
00:08:16
Yeah. Crank it. So then she left and about a half hour later, she came
00:08:22
back and sat on my lap. Not in a seductive way, but in like a puppy dog friendly way. You flipped her off for real. Yeah. I
00:08:29
went, "Madonna, here." Well, I was this was 92 or three. I had Wayne's World. I got six Emmy nominations, so I wasn't
00:08:35
taking I can flip off Madonna. Yeah, but I made a mistake. I apologize to her if she's listening on this podcast. It
00:08:42
was a rude She's listening to everyone. She I have to say I could see her saying that and being
00:08:48
but she is feisty and I do think she has a sense of humor. She's feisty and I think the fact that I did that she really respected. It's like
00:08:55
you [ __ ] her. I would say, and I'm not saying it now because she's probably watching or listening, is that
00:09:00
always when I look at Lady Gaga and all these people, all these giant Katy Perry,
00:09:05
whatever, Madonna lit the match. I mean, she they take a page out her playbook for
00:09:10
sure. Yeah. And they almost do her songs and the whole big production and dancing and they're, you know, gay following
00:09:17
everything. They copied Madonna. I would get nervous around Madonna. I saw Madonna at SNL once. I saw her
00:09:22
somewhere else. I've seen her out. I get nervous. So that she's a big star. Now, uh I will
00:09:27
say I have met women and done that move
00:09:33
where I go, "Oh, I haven't seen you in a while. You look so sturdy." They're like
00:09:38
sturdy. Oh, like a heer cow. Let me tell you something that are not compliments to women. Sturdy. You look
00:09:45
um strong. You look healthy. Healthy is the
00:09:51
worst thing you could say to anyone. Um, and uh, are you bulking up or something?
00:09:57
Right. I think the extra weight looks good on you. You know, that's not a that's not a what I always
00:10:03
say is um, hips. What's your most friendly, heartfelt, maybe slightly
00:10:10
kissassy thing to say to a woman you haven't seen in a while or anybody really, you look fantastic.
00:10:17
Yeah, I mean it's funny that it always goes to looks unfortunately, but it is sort of like a nervous thing to just say you
00:10:23
look great or you look uh someone told me the other day I looked very well rested. I told you that Heather, remember you look very No, they said
00:10:30
actually the word refreshed which I don't hear a lot. You don't hear that word. I think it's people need it's not it's
00:10:37
not negative to just say a nice thing to someone, you know, because we're all aging and then you like haven't seen
00:10:44
someone in 20 years. You want to hear, "Hey, what? Where's Dorian Gray?" Or, you know, it's just playful.
00:10:51
It's playful stuff. What do you want to get into before I
00:10:56
get into I don't really get into, you know, we have a tape delay for our show, but right now, as we are recording
00:11:03
this, there's been a peace deal between Israel and Gaza.
00:11:10
And I just thought, first of all, I went on the New York Times and they had a big
00:11:16
thing of Kushner, the the the brother-in-law solves the Middle East problem, you know, because I don't blame
00:11:22
him. They because Trump is a showboater. I mean, and they don't want to give him anything. So Obama came out with a
00:11:28
statement. I want to congratulate the peace deal and the whole the whole the whole team
00:11:34
and, you know, Mr. Kushner and um and um
00:11:39
what no I think I want to I want to show my appreciation. Everyone should be glad
00:11:45
for the peace deal for the people who did Kushner and who and the and the guy's name escapes me.
00:11:52
It's kind of like when uh in Hitler in Germany in the 30s there must have been people hated him you know and now I just
00:11:58
want to thank Claus Versa and Will Hfesta for completing the autobond. It's
00:12:04
fantastic. And of course, I also like to thank
00:12:09
what No, they they don't even tell him that. They mumble the name. Yeah.
00:12:15
So, here's Trump if this holds through this podcast cuz you know, he gives speeches. I love this
00:12:20
if it lasts for three days. How much will he cuz he's going to toot his own horn. Oh my god.
00:12:25
I love the thing that he does. He He makes a statement in the teleprompter and then he tags it with real softness.
00:12:32
You know, I brought peace to the Middle East. I brought peace. I brought peace to the Middle East. And people like
00:12:38
peace. I solved eight wars. Eight wars. There was seven. Then there was eight. And I
00:12:44
saw I'm going to rebuild Gaza. I'm going to rebuild it.
00:12:49
I know how to build it. People like rebuilding. They like it very much. He's kind of doca. He's like a little teddy
00:12:54
bear in between. But he will be out there. I hope it holds for by the time we air this. It is a great thing. He
00:13:02
doesn't like pauses. You're right. He He hits that prompter and then he has to fill. There's Phil. He likes to tag it. I did a lot of great
00:13:09
things. Things I did that were great and people love them. People like it. A lot of people tell you I hate my enemies. I
00:13:15
can't help it. You know, there's this I hate bad people. I know. I hate bad people. I like good
00:13:20
people. I do a lot of things. That's for I'll tell you on a lighter note that
00:13:26
that's for Patrick. The Charlie Sheen being on the show was a huge hit because
00:13:32
the clip I showed of Amelio popping in really brought back some nostalgia. And
00:13:40
Heather, we have to find Amelio on Instagram. We should invite him on. Uh if he would come on, that'd be awesome because he was a I mean, we probably got
00:13:48
three million people watching that. just that clip of the reel of him popping in and you were talking about all the
00:13:54
movies they've done and and everyone's like, "Oh my god, to see those guys
00:14:00
together and he looks like Martin Sheen." Exactly. And people have a lot of good vibes for the two of them
00:14:06
together. And um and Charlie got a lot of good like comeback story.
00:14:12
Nice, you know. Yeah, it was a feel-good podcast. I'd seen all the other podcasts. So I also I
00:14:17
thought about him and what he achieved and let let's slow down for a second, you know, him as an artist.
00:14:24
And then I always think of the brother. I've got a brother and I think of Alio who's a film producer and director now
00:14:29
and stuff and and then looking at his first five, six years out of the gate
00:14:34
and all those iconic movies. So to see him show up, I wish we It's too bad the sound off
00:14:40
guard. Yeah. And Working Man, they mentioned Young Guns and we didn't even talk about those. Those are
00:14:46
Yeah, those are all the mighty ducks outside. Well, that's a more Amelio side. So, but we could always
00:14:52
But it was so sweet that that that knowing Charlie's story and and this the the the stuff he had in his life and
00:14:58
then there he is with his brother. Yeah, that's and they're completely you can tell they're just buddies again. He was just
00:15:04
he's like helping him out and then he goes, "Hey, come on over here for a second." So, that was nice. So, it was very sweet.
00:15:09
That was nice. Um other than that, should we get to some news stories? What
00:15:14
do you want? Let me just do a quick one that made me laugh is that you know Taylor Swift did
00:15:19
the song. It's been now there's been nine million things about the song Wood. Oh yeah. So our old friend
00:15:25
the working title was boner. Yeah. Our old friend Senator John.
00:15:31
Oh yeah. Okay. John Kennedy. Senator John him for a while weighed in on it in a congressional
00:15:39
hearing. Now, some of the things our sons and daughters hear or may not be
00:15:45
age appropriate. This is a quote, and I quote it
00:15:51
specifically Taylor Swift's album about her football boyfriend player.
00:15:59
Forgive me if it sounds cocky. He automized me.
00:16:06
He the he he he opened my eyes.
00:16:11
Redwood ain't hard to see.
00:16:16
Oh, his love was the key that opened my thighs. Her words,
00:16:23
not mine. Did I get that right? Words. Yeah. Did I get that right? Did I get that right? Yes. You get that right?
00:16:29
I think so. And David Spade went played Seattle
00:16:37
and he said that it was a beautiful city as long as it wasn't rainy. Did I get
00:16:43
that right? I did say something like that. Yeah. Yeah. He's shy.
00:16:49
What about how much everything costs in the big bill? Oh, and the big what people are trying
00:16:57
to slip in during this shutdown. Okasio Portz is part of the far left of her
00:17:03
party said we've got to put $385
00:17:09
million so that bisexual mixed race dwarfs that are lefthanded and go by the
00:17:17
pronouns me them hey you what's going on need that money so they can learn how to
00:17:25
dance the tango I get He did. That's ridiculous amount of money for that.
00:17:31
That's crazy. Right. We're trying to get trans crickets in Uganda.
00:17:37
Like yours is got this funny this high tone to it. I'm trying not to commit to it cuz he's
00:17:43
he does go high at these. Sometimes he gets really mad. Oh, he has a big He goes for the bleachers. He goes for
00:17:49
the back of the house. But sometimes he just is mumbling through and reading. No, he's looking at his nose. Now, I I
00:17:55
believe that you you tweeted October tweeted you tweeted October 4th and I quote
00:18:03
um I think America sucks. You still stand by that?
00:18:09
Is that something? Is that something we want from smiles? Your words, not mine.
00:18:14
He knows he caught him. What a stupid look. I know.
00:18:20
He's got an easel. He's got like a pointer. Oh, he's such a funny character. Whatever your side of the
00:18:26
political aisle is, you gotta laugh. Oh, you have to. Sometimes. You have to.
00:18:32
Oh, okay. What else? Talk about anything. We could talk. Well, let's run with some of these stories. What do we got?
00:18:38
Anything decent to run with? Let's do what we promised. Yeah. Oh, high school students are being
00:18:44
locked up for wearing saggy pants. This is something that's been around for a while. Oh, look at these lightning bolt
00:18:49
pants. They're pretty low, I got to admit. had to spend time in jail wearing sagging pants to school in Biver,
00:18:55
Tennessee. I just went on I I ain't even know what else to do. Antonio Ammons had to serve 48 hours
00:19:02
behind. He should hook those pants handcuffs to his belt. I know where this comes from. I like
00:19:09
when they show money more than once.
00:19:14
I really like who said he's really like inmates. He showants pants
00:19:21
look like at school. You can see the waistband of his underwear and his gym. His underpants.
00:19:27
I think jail time might be a little too much, but at the same time, lot of saggy pants. Four students were charged with indeent
00:19:32
exposure. Look at that. Those are like five layers of pants. Comedian Tim Conway.
00:19:39
Yeah, there you go. Now there's some regular pants. He used to do He used to do uh what was
00:19:45
his name? Oh, dwarf on golf. Dwarf Golf. And he had short pants. Now you know where that comes from,
00:19:51
right? I don't know. They say he look so when you get arraigned in prison,
00:19:56
you can't have a belt. So when they take you to a jail or whatever is true they
00:20:02
take your belt and so the convicts, it would slide down and they would walk in like that.
00:20:07
Sometimes my sweats don't have a string. Is it like that? Uh,
00:20:13
when I'm in jail, I usually I go, "Can I just wear what I'm wearing?"
00:20:18
You know, and they're like, "Yeah, do whatever." Here's the thing. Is it okay to observe it? You know, it's kind of like you get
00:20:24
used to it. Like there was my brother worked at this company and one one day a guy decided to come in and he just
00:20:29
rolled the sleeve of one of his pants, the left leg. He rolled it up above his knee and that was just his fashion look.
00:20:36
So if you see pants like that, you're allowed to go, "What the [ __ ] are they?" No, I think it's just hard to move
00:20:42
around and maneuver. Exactly. I mean, you look shuffly and then But
00:20:48
all fashion like it doesn't matter. If you can handle it, do it.
00:20:55
I don't like it. I just think Woman Heather is that sexy.
00:21:01
Sexy is a question. He's scared of bits and parts falling. He's She's scared of bits and parts
00:21:06
falling out. It looks like below the wean line, I have to say. Like, oh, it's way below that. There's
00:21:13
the equator. It's below that. Now, back now, back in the I can't get out my back in the 1950s and I Love Lucy
00:21:20
had Fred Mertz. And so, his pants were up. Oh, those are comically high. Yeah, just the pants in those days, they
00:21:26
wore them super high. Now, it's super low. It'll Everything goes back to norm. Todd
00:21:32
Glass used to say sometimes fat people just make up a middle and they put the belt there. They just draw a belly
00:21:38
button right there and go I'm gonna call this the middle and we're gonna Well, that's when you cuz a lot go below
00:21:44
the gut and then it explodes from the belt that's right around the lower pelvis. Yes. And then you can go above the gut, but
00:21:50
in the middle gives you like a 70in waist which is not right in the middle of the boiler. Uh,
00:21:57
okay. Let's move it on from our big fashion police segment. Okay.
00:22:03
Woman goes viral for sending back $2,000 gift because she knows her worth.
00:22:08
Mhm. Oh, baby, I'm worth it. Go to the next one. There's got to be more to this. Oh, a woman is going viral after
00:22:15
revealing she returned $2,000, an early gift from someone she was dating, stating that gesture didn't align with
00:22:22
her standards or values. She knows her worth and the internet is divided. They
00:22:28
called her bold and empowered and some say gold digger. So the guy said, "I I hit you with two grand for your
00:22:34
birthday. I didn't want to hit you." She said, "Thank you, but no thanks. That's not enough for me." Well, did they say what it was?
00:22:41
It was money. Just money. Oh, just cash. Sorry. Okay. Which cash isn't a bad present because you can go buy what you want. It's not
00:22:47
as maybe thoughtful if you don't. Here's the reason I think it's weird because I got a couple beans in my
00:22:53
jeans. I got I got a couple shekeles in my pocket. The thing that blew me
00:22:59
blew my mind. Blew me. Sorry, it's a PT show. Not anymore.
00:23:04
Was when I went on Comedians and Cars with Jerry Sun
00:23:10
and at the He's dropping me off in his car and he hands me the envelope.
00:23:17
And so it's my fee was $10,000 in cash,
00:23:24
but it felt like 10x. So getting 10 2,000 in cash would feel like 20,000
00:23:30
because everything is digital electronic, you never really see or feel your So when you have money in your hand
00:23:36
always if they pay me at one of these clubs for a set. Yeah. Like the old days, you get 20 bucks to
00:23:41
do a set, you get 40 bucks to a set, they give you 40. It's cold, hard cash. There's something better about that than
00:23:47
just numbers on a I when I play the improv sometimes they they give you 500 bucks. They just hand
00:23:53
it to you. I don't really need it and they hand and it's 500 bucks. So there's something about cash. I don't know about this woman but 2,000 in cash.
00:24:01
What that mean? So she can't buy something she likes for two grand. Is that under the threshold
00:24:08
of what you I mean I would say if they're just casually dating it's not a thoughtout gift but sometimes
00:24:14
people go I would rather just buy something that I want with money but her saying this if you're giving me money
00:24:20
this isn't enough money to give me this isn't I don't even have to name it the Kardashian effect but that the sense
00:24:26
that everyone's a billionaire and we're all on yachts and we're all on private jets and the sense of feeling less than
00:24:32
because of all this money chattering around you know and so So you get to that with chump change two grand.
00:24:38
Maybe I'm worth it. Yeah. And I think they see on TikTok people going, "Oh, I get money for this." And everyone's got
00:24:43
this beautiful life on Only Fans. I don't know. I I wear a brail. I get a million dollars.
00:24:50
Yeah. The Only Fans girls always say how much they're getting. I think it's a little bit of a reaction of like, "Oh,
00:24:56
you think this is so bad? Here's how much I make." And so, right, you're supposed to that's supposed to
00:25:01
shut everyone up, which it shuts It pretty much shuts people up. Yeah. Shuts everybody up.
00:25:07
Okay. What else? Oh, baby. I'm worth it. Yeah. Give it to me. I'm worth it. I can't sing that song. We'll get in trouble.
00:25:14
Fan is suing LeBron over misleading Hennessy ad. Do you know what this is about, Dana?
00:25:20
No. No. Completely blank. Did we talk about last time? We talked about the Hennessy. Yeah. The last podcast we did.
00:25:26
This was a couple times ago, though, right? So, he comes out and says, "I'm making a decision." Like he did when he's going
00:25:31
to Miami. Mhm. And he goes, "You'll hear my decision about my life at 9:00 on Tuesday."
00:25:39
So all the sports channels were like, "He's going to retire." So people bought tickets for the Lakers
00:25:45
at higher prices because it's his last year. And his announcement was he's teaming
00:25:51
with Hennessy to do an ad. Oh, did we already talk about this? Yeah.
00:25:58
Do you remember this, uh, Dana? I I do.
00:26:03
Oh, but it was something to do with Hennessy and LeBron months ago or explained it much better today.
00:26:09
No, it was this it was Tuesday. So maybe we just talked about it in real life, but
00:26:15
Mhm. he did it. So people are mad that he did it. And so now a fan is going as far as
00:26:20
suing him, saying, "I paid more for tickets." And now what's he trying to get? Would he just
00:26:26
refund the tickets or he wants a lot of cash? Maybe just a couple million for his
00:26:31
trouble. I don't know. No one wants under millions. Why does anyone sue anyone? LeBron is going to go to He's He's Tom
00:26:38
Brady. This guy's going to go to 45, I think. I think he can. How old is he?
00:26:44
He's 47. So that that doesn't even have to go backwards. Greg, is he 41 yet?
00:26:52
No. No. No. I think he turns 41 in December.
00:26:58
This is still because he can play every position and sprint the four, you know,
00:27:03
dunk the ball. He's not like a guy comes in, she shoots three points or Kareem Abdul Jabbar was sort of a uh a dancer
00:27:11
out there. He's very skyhook. Yeah, he's like I don't think he's rinsed yet. I mean, he's still better
00:27:16
than he's not the best, but he's better than a lot of people. But I think people are saying would Michael
00:27:21
Jordan have done that? You know that when they always compare him to Jordan. So that's Jordan left when he had more time. But
00:27:28
you know, LeBron is by every measure a physical freak, you know.
00:27:33
Yeah. If you're 68, 275, 280 and you're running at would most people get out of
00:27:40
the way. Even other NBA players, he's running toward the hoop that with that speed and that size. So
00:27:46
anyway, he's 41 in December.
00:27:52
Were you doing the Batman theme? No, that was a train hitting turn. Let me hear that again. I won't
00:27:57
over talk. Going across the crossark.
00:28:05
I don't know. Well, the fading was the best part. Something there.
00:28:12
I used to be able to do a bus stopping.
00:28:19
Yeah, I was waiting for that last one. And I'm telling you,
00:28:25
you do a lot of you don't do enough sound effects in your standup. You need to Can't find the gears.
00:28:33
I have a guy. Those are the brakes. Trying to pick a safe. No, you don't. No, you don't. You just
00:28:40
made that up. Oh,
00:28:46
that's a miked up grasshopper eating.
00:28:52
All right, next story. Oh, that's a good one. Your phone. Yeah, I that was I got that from
00:28:58
Jonathan Wyers. Oh, look at this story. As a little kid. Okay. JFK airport official stunn as woman
00:29:04
presents a passport from the nation. Terrenza does not exist. Okay, play this thing.
00:29:10
Yeah, that's the woman has landed at JFK. This is a real story passport from a country that has never existed in our lifetime. She a
00:29:18
time traveler. AFK International Airport are in shock. Tonight, a woman arrived from Tokyo. A passport from a nation
00:29:24
called Toenza, a place that does not exist on any map of our world. Passport was flawless. Biometric chip, perfect
00:29:31
holograms, dozens of stamps from countries that also do not exist. Her documents were perfect. Better than
00:29:38
perfect. Wow. The country Toenza, it doesn't exist anywhere. They have another guy.
00:29:44
Say she looked completely ordinary like any tourist. But when agent told her isn't real, she froze, then whispered,
00:29:50
"Then this isn't my world." She asked me, "Is this America?" I said, "Yes, of course." Then she
00:29:57
whispered, "America?" Like she had landed in the wrong place. Authorities placed her in a secure room.
00:30:03
She sat calmly for hours. Then she vanished. Cameras show her fading away like static on a broken television
00:30:10
screen. We see the static from another dimension. Explain it. Well, we see
00:30:15
everything but her. The the camera showing her face. I want to see her disappear, but you'd say that's fake, too. I know how you
00:30:20
are. Well, yeah, with the AI. What if the aliens like this woman is
00:30:25
clearly an alien? What if they say, "We are going to give you, you know, cuz
00:30:31
there's rumors that we've made deals to get technology from them. We're going to introduce you guys to AI
00:30:37
right when we start showing up because no one will believe it." It'll be like, "Now it's murky." You see a video of of
00:30:44
a UFO online, what do you do? You say, "I don't know. Looks fake." I don't know. Could be AI. AI. Don't believe it.
00:30:51
Smart, right? When I see it. Pretty soon they can do anything with AI. They could say a criminal will get
00:30:57
off robbing a bank. They show the video. They go, "That could be AI. It's not me." Well, we're It's pretty close. They keep
00:31:04
coming out with different ones. There's a new one out. And um
00:31:09
we could really potentially start this podcast and it would be our digital
00:31:16
copies and it will look and talk just like us. Yeah. And do we get we get paid?
00:31:22
Scared yet? Scared yet? Wake up, Sheeple. Sorry, Mr. Spade. Run away. There's a
00:31:30
new sheriff in town. It's called AI. Your services are no longer
00:31:36
No way. They need me. They need me to be like this when you're talking. I'm like this.
00:31:42
And they show me laughing. Okay. Another one. Where are we at?
00:31:47
Where we at? Okay. His job is to pretend. I think we've had something like this
00:31:53
before. It's funny though. It's so mean. So, he's running a scary ride. Hold on, ladies. There's a knot in a
00:31:59
chain. Let me fix that. Oh.
00:32:06
Hold on, guys. Something wrong with your seat belts. I got to come check it. Hold on.
00:32:12
Doesn't the word get around? Forgot to put the shoulder straps on. Let me get them real quick.
00:32:18
They look up. They should drop a hair sooner. Sit still for a second. I got something wrong with the chain. There's a knot in
00:32:24
it. Hold on. The chain. There's a knot in it. How fun. Just thinking of new things. The whole time they're falling. They're
00:32:30
like, "That chain has a knot. I got to come check it." Poor little girls. Help.
00:32:36
How dramatic does he get? You know, hold on. Hold on, ladies. I forgot the
00:32:42
shoulder straps. Hold on. Well, we already did. Well, he he should get on the walkie-talkie and say, "Shut it down.
00:32:49
Shut it down now." I mean, if he wants a Don't let anyone else go. I won't. No. Shut it down. I said shut it down.
00:32:55
Damn it. Yeah. That's fun. That's for Halloween. Do you like that kind of stuff? Did you
00:33:00
like real rides? No. Am I reading this right? Thrill ride. Is that what they call them?
00:33:07
Now, in 1981, you were a young boy and you went on the
00:33:13
old Great Smoky Railroad ride in T Nashville, Tennessee, where you
00:33:19
proceeded to fall off the caboose where you were caught by a man in a bear
00:33:25
costume. Did I get that right? Oh boy. Your story, not mine. I used to ride the
00:33:30
Roundup where you'd go on the wall and it would spin like this and then it would go like that and you'd be like stuck to the wall. How I did that
00:33:37
knowing what a colossal [ __ ] I've turned into, I don't know. Oh, with that. Yeah, I've been in the wall one where the the floor drops and
00:33:44
you're all just rats. Yeah. Then if you barf, it hits you on the other side.
00:33:49
You know, Disneyland is still just, you know, Pirates of the Caribbean, you know, I mean,
00:33:55
Pirates, Pirates Caribbean, Space Mountain. It's all this atmospheric stuff. It's not just metal like what's
00:34:01
that magic mountain? Guess what? It ain't so magic after all. No, not more mountain than magic. Uh,
00:34:07
all right. Let's do one more. Let's just get this going. I guess this whole story is Steve Jobs.
00:34:13
There's a big story that his daughter's pretty. I thought it was an AI picture, but that's his daughter and uh her
00:34:20
name's what is her name? Eve. And they say, well,
00:34:25
Eve and the company's called Apple. Her name's Eve. Is that why? We don't know.
00:34:30
But she's very pretty. And everyone was shocked that his daughter was pretty. And she's wearing a turtleneck.
00:34:38
Well, that gives it away, you know. I mean, she it it was it was a
00:34:44
very pretty woman in that picture. I just wondered if there was any digital help. It looks extremely smooth. How old
00:34:51
is she? Cuz she looks 20. I would guess 25. I don't know.
00:34:57
Now her she said. Do you want to show Dana the zebra video? Just for fun. We could You don't
00:35:03
have to put it in. Oh, you want to show him the zebra? Your zebra video? Does he have Greg does
00:35:10
not have There's no way he would have it. Oh, boy. All right. Heather wants to send you a video. She tweaked. She only
00:35:16
added music. She's sending it to Greg. She's sending and something just for fun.
00:35:23
Let's watch it. Just for fun. Let's watch it. Let's watch it. This is good. This is surprise. I already saw it. I liked it.
00:35:28
Yo, you want to see something cool? No. Well, I'm going to do it anyway. [Laughter]
00:35:39
Here he comes back.
00:35:47
Wow, that's a strategic fence move. Look at this. Look at the landing.
00:35:55
Is that real? Yeah. Yeah, the zebra hit it perfectly and it
00:36:00
flipped him over and Heather put some rock and roll music on. I think that's slightly better than a
00:36:06
girl's pretty. Oh yeah. Oh, story. Yeah, Eve Jobs is
00:36:11
pretty Well, I was just going to go into being Eve Jobs. That's like being Barbara
00:36:17
Lincoln in 1870 or something. I mean, Steve Jobs is so famous, you know.
00:36:23
She said Eve Jobs. She wanted to change her name so they wouldn't know his dad. So, she wanted to change her name to
00:36:29
Steve Jobs. Just really Well, because because of his wealth, she
00:36:34
changed her first name legally to don't need jobs. Oh boy.
00:36:40
Not bad. Let's go back to the zebra. Can we rewind? In a [ __ ] pinch. In a pinch. What do you got?
00:36:45
Dana is not caring enough about the zebra, Heather. I can tell. No, I mean the flip thing blew my mind.
00:36:50
I I could see it again. Actually, a girl's pretty. Steve Jobs is not a big story, but we'll
00:36:56
go to the next. The zebra is pretty. All right. The zebra was gorgeous. Oh, look at this. US has an AI powered
00:37:03
laser cannon. This is what you can use in a war. Watch this thing. Department of Defense has just announced a new type
00:37:10
of laser cannon weapon for combat deployment testing. It has no muzzle, no
00:37:17
ammunition, and no explosion. Lethality comes from a silent beam of pure energy.
00:37:23
This weapon is called Sentinel X, controlled by an artificial intelligence system that can identify and lock onto
00:37:29
targets in 0. It's not controlled by us. is a beam of light exceeding 10,000°ly
00:37:36
vaporize enemy drones. Wow. Bang bang. This is like when they said there's no direct energy weapons
00:37:42
now. Could that start a fire anywhere in this country? Sure. Sure. Look at it
00:37:48
from a satellite from somewhere. Whatever the latest weapons are are
00:37:53
their top secret. What is it, Heather? They announced the start of the Palestined.
00:37:59
No, we're Yeah, we're that's coming up. Oh, we that'll lead us to this fire and then we'll get that going.
00:38:05
No, that the these energy weapons, they always say, "Oh, those aren't real." Look at there's there's a for sure one.
00:38:10
And it looks like it's pretty badass. I don't like when they say it's operated by AI. That means I think it's time to
00:38:17
shoot you now, master. No AI. Please don't. Hey, master. Guess what? I just thought
00:38:23
of this. You and other Earthlings are the real problem on Earth, so I have no
00:38:29
choice. digital lasers. Here's here's what I heard. We got
00:38:35
satellites and we got weapons on them, whether they're whatever energy they are
00:38:41
that if Russia ever tried anything. Don't even try it. Don't even try it. Moscow, it's like
00:38:48
something like four to six minutes vapor.
00:38:54
I know. We There's so many things that we're trying to Oh, it's a It's crazy. I know the the world. I wonder who would
00:38:59
win. It's getting it's it's it's already scary. Everyone's getting armed up and you're going, "What? What's all these weapons for? When are we going to use?"
00:39:06
Dude, everyone's looking at these going, "Are those legal? These arms." Yeah. I mean, you've got guns. Uh, you
00:39:13
know, a lot of countries have guns. You have guns. Here's my direct energy weapon. Gadish.
00:39:21
Gadish. We got to have I got to have an applause thing for how many times you
00:39:27
have said Gadish. That'll be in our coffee mug merch. What does it even mean, Doug?
00:39:32
I don't know. It just sounds a douche.
00:39:38
All right, let's talk about the fires because Mhm. the big story in January. So, I think they figured out that the fires were
00:39:44
maybe lit actual arsonist. Was he an Uber driver
00:39:50
or something like that? No, it was just they didn't put out they didn't put out the first fire
00:39:55
the first fire on January 1st. Yeah, it was just a normal campfire. It wasn't like I don't think it was started.
00:40:00
But who did they arrest? Why would they arrested a guy? Seems like they didn't put out their I
00:40:06
don't know. Yeah, but it just wasn't contained. That's all. Yeah, it wasn't. So, it smoldered.
00:40:12
It's the one that smoldered for like a week. Yeah. Until the wind hit. But they did arrest someone. I think he
00:40:18
said he was an Uber driver, but he took off to Florida and they brought him back. But this long
00:40:24
Did he drive to Florida? The Uber driver How can they blame all on him when there were like lots of water? It's like feels
00:40:30
like, right, there's a million things wrong with the story cuz there's no water. There was, you know, there was
00:40:36
reservoirs that were empty. There was fire alarms shut off. There's a million things that just didn't add
00:40:42
up. And then the big one now, cuz Spencer Pratt is out there rattling the
00:40:47
cages about this story a lot. And they're mad that Gavin Newsome is now
00:40:52
spending uh a hundred to 300 million on the gerrymandering issue, but not giving
00:40:59
hiring more firemen. I think we had a a shot of that. But
00:41:04
they're supposed to hire way more firemen and make more firehouses. All the funds go from all the fire vetos
00:41:10
firefighter raise. Is this true? Calling it too costly after spending.
00:41:17
Wow. Well, I don't know if this gas cannon match with Karen Bass, right? I don't know if I I say to him
00:41:24
and Karen Bass holding those two things up in that photo was like bad politics.
00:41:30
And this is Yeah, this got a little slightly debunked like they make cuts every year with the like what they did
00:41:37
this year wasn't different than apparently any other year, right? But I think it's a lot to do with
00:41:42
well combination, right? I mean, water how it started. They arrested some guy.
00:41:49
I wonder how they could pin it all on him unless they caught him. I heard they checked out his phone. His story didn't
00:41:55
check out. Did he Did he make the initial fire? That's what we're trying to find out. But they did bust a guy.
00:42:01
And after all this time, it sounds odd that they would get somebody, you know, that.
00:42:07
But it was the most horrific fire we've had. I mean, that was the most because they're not building anything yet. I
00:42:12
mean, if you look, they're not building all the houses back. They're not giving all the permits they said. So something's going on
00:42:18
that's just odd. I will say that more to come. You know, it's it's whoever did it. I
00:42:24
don't care who. But it was, you know, poorly planned. I mean, we have to allocate resources in California that
00:42:31
can be used for alternative purposes. So it goes to yin or it goes to yang. But I would say in California
00:42:38
with AI or just with good planning, we can identify where they need they need
00:42:43
some uh forest management. We need extra water, you know, be defensive and obviously this fire blew everyone's
00:42:50
mind. I'm very surprised that that you know it hasn't been controlled burns. It's fire. It's life
00:42:56
or death. It's like the police. It's like we have to have strong um police department, fire department. I don't
00:43:03
know. I know it's a hot take, but you know, we do have in California we we have and it's not
00:43:09
we could put more money toward that. It would be great. We could find the money somewhere and
00:43:14
not waste money would be very nice. And we are a state a lot of states have public employee pensions and people are
00:43:20
living they get their pension at 55 and then they live to 95 and the system
00:43:25
wasn't built for that. You know what? Guess what the age was when you could collect social security
00:43:32
in in n when they first made it in the 1930s? I don't know, 50.
00:43:39
Uh 61. But the average life expans expectation was 65.
00:43:46
Sure. That's probably where 65 came from. Now you get your social and I'm I'm not saying this politically. I'm just saying
00:43:52
as a fact. You get at 62, maybe you go to 102. That's a lot of payoff. That's a hard part. Yeah,
00:43:58
I am running for mayor. I I did I wanted to announce that. Please, please do. I would love it. Uh,
00:44:04
okay. Let's see what else. And then Dana, I got to get you out of here. We got to get you back to Seattle. You
00:44:09
have another set. Another set. Okay.
00:44:16
Footage. Oh, this is kind of funny. This is the thing that bites you in the ass.
00:44:22
There's a There's a Glenn Powell show. I can explain this story. Glen Pal's show
00:44:28
on Hulu. Yeah. And so this girl is having a party because she has a scene in the movie or
00:44:33
the show and her part comes up and it's she's been replaced by the Hawkui girl.
00:44:41
Hawkua, remember Hawkua? So all her friends like where are you?
00:44:50
Did you come in later? No, this is literally my scene. I was fine.
00:44:58
So they went back and shot it with Hawk, too. Look at her flipping out. Being an
00:45:05
actress is hard in LA. It's brutal. Chicken tenders. No, it's too sticky.
00:45:12
I was thinking about it's like
00:45:17
Chernobyl. Chernobyl. [Laughter]
00:45:23
Stop it. That's fine. This is happens all the time, but you get they never
00:45:28
tell you anything in Hollywood. Don't tell her. You never know you're fired. You never know you've been replaced. It's just
00:45:34
it's it's a tough It's not Hawk Tua's fault. Mhm. She of course had to make a big statement about this.
00:45:40
I know you follow on Instagram, you probably heard it, but uh you're you got that Hawk Tui
00:45:45
newsletter, but she had a Hawki coin at one point, right? And built it up and took all the money.
00:45:51
Same thing heard. Yeah. And she was underground for a while, but she popped back in. Glenn Pow
00:45:57
though is cool. He could come on. We always tell everybody they can come on. He can come on. He can come on. And then we never see
00:46:03
him. We never ask him. We never see him. He's cool. He's very talented and he's he's uh made this uh live streaming
00:46:10
show. He plays Chad the football player. You know, he's proactive in his career. What is it on Oh, Hulu. Yeah. Uh all
00:46:17
right, one more and then let's wrap it up. Let's wrap it up. Let One more. This better be a [ __ ]
00:46:22
dinger. A [ __ ] mic drop. Okay, this is kind of funny. This is a
00:46:28
These are people complaining that slide is too dangerous for their kids and they've been talking about for a
00:46:34
year and no one believes them. So, they sent a policeman or somebody down. Did
00:46:40
she? The reason why this Boston slide went viral was because parents kept writing
00:46:46
letters and emails a little bit Boston. They're like, "Hey, um, there's a slide
00:46:51
you put up at a public park. Super dangerous." By the way, it doesn't look that bad. Um, I'm not so
00:46:57
sure about the metal landing area. Just go flying. Can you please do something about this? And Boston for a
00:47:03
while. Pink stuff looks squishy. Children slide. How fast? As long as you fly off the city just kept rushing.
00:47:08
Where do you land? Is that slide? If you don't like it, just don't write it until they keep writing. They
00:47:14
keep writing letters about this woman's trying to get to a minute. All right, we have to see what these people are
00:47:19
talking about. They always do a little money. Thank you so much
00:47:26
and just here's the cop
00:47:35
and that's why he like gets a concussion. You're supposed to go down feet first.
00:47:40
Going down this slide. Feet first. Yes. Lying on his stomach. Feet. I think he got spun around in the
00:47:47
Oh, he got spun around. Okay, so it was highly dangerous. But he was feet first, wasn't he?
00:47:53
I don't think you can sit up in there. It's too small. Look, I This happened to me in Seattle
00:47:58
of all places, but uh my cousin and I went to a water park. It's kind of rainy day, believe it or not.
00:48:04
And all these slides and there were lines still people going going. And there was one like tunnel thing and hey,
00:48:09
there's no line. This must be a breeze. It It was uh pretty monstrous. I mean, I got battered and bruised from that.
00:48:15
No, you look a little beat up. Yeah, you weren't there. You're still a little dinged up. I feel
00:48:20
my cousin was is a uh palter, so he's like a muscle man. So, he went through it, but I was You know, we always have
00:48:28
to be tough when you're you're you're not an averagesized man, adult male. Horrible. Don't
00:48:34
you got to be tough. Uh, okay. That's our show for today. We did a great job. We were great again. And so were you so
00:48:41
great. And if you want you want to smash that subscriber button. Yeah, smash the [ __ ] out of it.
00:48:47
Yeah, just [ __ ] whale laced it. Whail on that thing. And then we'll we'll read some comments next week.
00:48:53
And uh there are some people that comment too many. I see people that comment over and over like 20 on one
00:48:59
episode. I'm like, relax. Well, let's read some comments because anyone who's going to the trouble, I
00:49:05
would like to put a little sunshine on it. And well, let's read some of the negative ones. What's with your hair?
00:49:11
you're not funny. Why do you overt talk? And I go, you know, these will be the ones addressed to you, but I
00:49:20
is that jean jacket going in the Smithsonian? Why do you wear the exact same thing? I
00:49:25
can't Why do you have Superman there? And what's with that fake plant? Why do I have fresh stripes? Okay. Uh,
00:49:31
thank you everybody. We'll see you next time. [Music]
00:49:38
Hey guys, if you're loving this podcast, which you are, be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app. Give us a
00:49:44
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00:49:50
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00:49:57
produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman, Mattie Sprung Kaiser, and Leah
00:50:03
Reese Dennis of Odyssey. Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman and the show is produced and edited by Phil Sweet
00:50:10
Tech. Booking by Cultivated Entertainment. Special thanks to Patrick Fogerty, Evan Cox, Mora Curran, Melissa
00:50:19
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00:50:26
Kourtney, and Lauren Vieiraa. Reach out with us any questions to be asked and answered on the show. You can email us
00:50:32
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