00:00:00
[Music] I like when I go to sushi and then I the
00:00:06
dentist goes do you flaw twice a day and then they meanwhile they pull a live koi fish out of between my teeth and it's
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like wiggling and I'm like oh I mean yesterday I don't know if I did like
00:00:22
Nemo Danny here we are Superfly number five trillion got lots to go over it's a
00:00:29
super super Super Fly episode mhh I just
00:00:34
got back this is so stupid all I tell you is I got back from the road I'm about to go out for 10 days so I'm such
00:00:41
a colossal [ __ ] other people's words uh that uh I have to go to Hartford
00:00:47
Connecticut have never been there yeah Providence is that right Heather Providence Rhode Island which I've never
00:00:53
been you going to play there no I mean I think Island it's not a road and it's
00:00:59
not an island disgust that's true can I open with that was I think it was a Wayne's World line it was or Mike did it
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on maybe maybe it was Coffee Talk woman or something yeah I think so Coffee Talk woman Coffee Talk woman Road Island is
00:01:12
not a road or an island that's right Mike had the discu discuss amongst yourselves Coffee Talk coffee
00:01:20
talk so anyway so I'm going on the road I have Boise and uh Seattle this weekend
00:01:27
so here's the story so I was last week weekend we're in the car we get some nice elderly old driver very nice guy
00:01:36
and we're driving along yeah where are you headed spunky I am a model te okay
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go ahead I'm GNA interrupt you a lot today so it's it's fine me Bobby Katherine these stories sometimes have
00:01:49
no ending so do whatever you want no you got an old driver you're on the road with Bobby and Catherine heading yeah okay and it's just sounds mean well
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whatever so he's he's driving for no reason I'm yelling back to Katherine in the back seat Bobby and we're talking
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like so when we get there and then I realized he's got his window fully down on the freeway so it's
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like and I think it's so funny that he's oblivious to do you guys want the window
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open you want it down and it's just like and it's so loud that I text Katherine I
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go am I crazy I can't even hear you why is this window so loud instead of easily just saying can you roll it up I just
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want to play it out and then I say hey Catherine I got some new bits for the
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next gig do you know why all hurricanes are named after women and she's like
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because they cause trouble and they're [ __ ] and everyone hates them and I'm like
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no I go this is a fourth grade joke I go it's because have you ever heard of a
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him meain I go but let's go back to your answer so uh she was so we start
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laughing about that that she gave such a like deep horri Ying answer yeah and then out of the blue the driver
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goes what happens what wait what do you get when a
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hurricane um come meets with a tornado and we're like right in the middle of us
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talking I go sure a lot of people tell us jokes I go sure and he goes
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Sprout water sprout spout what spout and I go and and then Catherine goes I don't
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get it and then I laugh at how awkward it is and so I go I get it it's funny
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gather and then now we both start laughing because it's so dead in the air
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and then he goes Sprout again I go first of all you mean spout and you mean water
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spout and that doesn't even make sense in the joke I it kind of does go like but it's not it's nothing it's not on
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the RoR scale of a joke it's not registering so I've heard this before
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and then we start laughing and then I can't stop laughing and then I can't hear him because he's like water's the
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window so we get there and he comes out
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and he goes I'm like CU I have to grease him a little bit but he goes yeah good to meet
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you meanwhile I'm focused on the 1,000 um dots of dander on each shoulder which
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is fine I get we all get there I'm getting I'm getting a good vibe about this guy this I like him it's going to
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be a happy ending of course I like him and I tipped him because I go you know what he's a positive guy he added a joke
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[ __ ] bomb but he was a good dude and and then I'm doing this new thing where
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on the road I'm tipping somebody way extra just to put something good out in the world instead of my regular Scrooge
00:04:52
McDuck 1.3% tips so uh no I tip good anyway I think and then uh that's what
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everyone says and then uh I tip one guy randomly more show that [ __ ] video of
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the funny guy let's do that would you want to show it now or no no I don't even have it oh I get locked and loaded
00:05:10
if I'm in Vegas play going into the Four Seasons like I'm I'm like a a magician like all my pockets are full of 20s oh
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yeah and it usually for me because I grew up middle class I'm not a silver spoon but I'm like they come at me Mr
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Carvey Mr Carvey and I'm boom boom boom boom and then the luggies the Boom I just and I don't I like to do it because
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I know what I'm getting paid for the weekend it's like you know and then by the it takes me about 1020s takes me
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about $200 to get from the car to the room yeah and back when you go back
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literally every time Mr Spade he picks up my B here's how you work the air conditioner there's 20 for that here's
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how the door works you kind of open it turn the handle okay there's 20 and then they go down and then I go down there I
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where's my I go just load it up I'm coming down they're standing a foot from the car they handed it off to the car
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guy now he's loaded it and he doesn't close it so I get in the car and I go oh
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and I get back out and I go are is my stuff in there and he goes yes it is and I go oh there's a new guy so really I
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have to dust my bags for Prince just to see who touched it who gets TI like
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money go to the teller you and give four you know 2020s and just just tip your
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way out makes them happy and I think Trump's not going to tax luggage handlers or is it just waiters and
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waitresses tips in general I think anybody getting tips and if you and by the way it used to be you could almost
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get away with a 10 20 years ago now it's 20 are little whis whispy so now
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hundreds go out at more than I'd like but yeah I literally had a driver if he
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made a good turn he would go like that for for a tip to to the back every good
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turn he put the sand back I'm like what do you want now you like he's like this you like that [ __ ] yeah you like that we
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just got we passed that car safely and and then there's another but uh no complaints love to tip well I'm not like
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love it who like digs into his pocket for like 20 minutes you has brings out a marble a dead frog and a scrumbled up
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dollar bill a Bazooka Joe comic this is all I have some some gum and some Silly
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Putty from 1968 with a imprint of like some cartoon on it here's my head head
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shot we'll have to have John we'll have to do list all the times we mention John
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and next time we have John on we have a montage of all the time mention give him
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and I talked to Denis yesterday so he's he wants to come on Christ sake you know don't you have me on know a couple joks
00:07:47
we did that he goes I listen to it maybe I jump on for for round two so here's
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what happened to me I went to the dentist oh and I live in The Boondocks and so new dentist so the D genus is
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what I call a Montana woman incredibly funny incredibly nice she's like well
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we're going to dig on down into those MERS lot you got to brush upwards and
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downwards and then she's telling me her whole story she goes I'm my second
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husband was a drunk a cheat and a wife beater and my daddy came to me and said
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honey that's the best you can do best I can do I didn't talk to my daddy for six
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months so she divorced that guy so then I've got this really smart Dennis with
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these incredibly three-dimensional xrays he puts all my teeth up there and it decomposes me okay this one we're going
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to have to take out an implant this this is a crown you see the crack you see the cracks see the cracks here see that
00:08:49
that's going to fall out he said I had 40-year-old fillings in there and they got to go so I need six crowns Mercury
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fillings Mercury yeah that expl explains a lot mhm they don't like Mercury ones
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then afterwards she goes how it go I go I need six crowns holy [ __ ] that's a lot
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of crowns but he does them real good like when my husband hit me he knocked
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four crowns out he called me Megan Marco cuz I kept
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losing crowns well she's a dental hygien she said when she was in high school the dentist said to her you're going to be
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wearing he said to me you're going to be wearing Dentures by the time you're 40 I
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said [ __ ] that and I start flossing and brushing and next thing you know I got
00:09:37
pures want to see him then she smiled at me but she was so cool well do you do
00:09:43
you floss this is a real question and I'm not yeah we want to educate our audience not jokes all the time dental
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hygiene do you floss absolutely and I brush a lot and when you do you lie
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about how much you floss when they no here's my question for you okay do so
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you go out you know and you have a big big uh you know Monty Cris sandwich and
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fries and so you've got a lot of [ __ ] in your mouth do you enjoy that feeling
00:10:15
would you rather kind of clean clean that crap out do you like to walk around with dirty teeth because I've noticed
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some of the dinners were at not look as Lots going on I like when I go to sushi and then I the dentist goes do you fla
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like twice a day day and then they meanwhile they pull a live koi fish out of between my teeth and it's like wiggling and I'm like oh I mean
00:10:34
yesterday I don't know if I did they like Nemo that's my Rolling Stone cover
00:10:41
look it up oh yeah you're like this look it up fish the thing is is first the
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dental hygienist Butters you up like these look pretty good I gotta be honest with you it looks very nice and then
00:10:55
very slowly but surely but I skipped that too too sometimes you got to get
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down at the right angle and really get grind against the tooth and so she Tau
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me but uh I do my dental hygienist does it you know they they come in my real
00:11:11
dentist Who cashes the big checks I don't see her I walk in and then the
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dental hygienist like like y you you waited seven months not six we got to
00:11:22
get in there you know so she's in there with like a pitch for and it's all the noisy scraping then after yeah after an
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hour or 10 I'm all done and then my dentist walks in with a mask on you good fist bump see you later and 900 bucks
00:11:35
I'm like 900 bucks and then you go in the zoom room for your pearly whites right you go in and get your teeth
00:11:41
whitened with what they call a zoom thing no I haven't done that they but but I do need to and they always say uh
00:11:47
you need x-rays they say they say it no matter what I know and I and I just do a love it I go you need an x-ray they're
00:11:54
like I beg your pardon oh quickly before we get to the regular stuff and the headlines this this is kind of a
00:11:59
headline because Heather was telling me about the space people that are stuck it is odd they're stuck in space that makes
00:12:07
me scared there's a couple layers to it Dana you know they shot some astronauts up for a [ __ ] Memorial Day Weekend
00:12:13
yeah they're just supposed to beep bop boop hey touch Mars come back whatever I don't know what it's supposed to
00:12:19
do first of all going to space Sounds like a drag second of all you're going with someone maybe you know like it's
00:12:24
someone like office worker basically and you don't know if you get along just two of them now and they can't get back Bo
00:12:30
so worst case scenario can't get back right and they go maybe next year next year yes okay for SpaceX to get a rescue
00:12:39
ship ready to go and aside from the fact that they have no food and I hear they're sending food to them and you
00:12:44
think well if the Uber Eats guy is like knocking on the side and you're like what if we just ran back with you he's
00:12:51
like no no I just dropped the food I so I guess they're getting food and Tang somehow well would the space station
00:12:57
could run out of food would have like a two-year supply of freeze fried food I guess but it's like Gilligan's Island
00:13:03
this is supposed to be like a three-hour tour and then and then they heard monster noises that's he monster noises
00:13:11
and then it found out that the male astronaut was making scary noises to scare the female Asar on no is that true
00:13:17
no I made that up but it sounded fun oh Heather was about to get debunked but here is the deal and if Heather doesn't
00:13:24
know this the Boeing Starliner they didn't want humans on it but they did it
00:13:29
remotely and it made it back to Earth but they didn't want to take the chance
00:13:35
it would blow up with the people on it which I don't blame them so the their their Boeing Starliner went back to
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Earth now they're truly stranded until Elon mus Elon Musk is gonna drive will
00:13:47
save the day but he'll actually be on the SpaceX to greet them and bring them
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back here we come what we're doing we really going to uh rescue uh the astronauts I don't
00:14:01
think you understand Don they're also saying they want volunteers to go on a
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one-way trip to Mars I'm like pass that's a hard pass except you want to go
00:14:13
you have too much going on well look he put a Tesla in space you
00:14:19
know that right and what he didn't tell you is that two people who starred on I think F
00:14:27
Troop actually drove that Tesla to Mars and are now on Mars F please don't say a show that old
00:14:37
please I was trying to think that they would be old they're like 98 so like [ __ ] it let me go to the Mars I don't
00:14:44
give a [ __ ] yeah that I mean you have to have almost zilch going on you can't just go
00:14:50
go to Mars and be like I'm I can't even brag that I went to Mars because there's no one to talk to you can't do anything
00:14:56
there's shitty Wi-Fi that's true okay I agree with you I don't want there's like
00:15:02
one Banana Republic there's almost nothing going on there's nothing bumping nothing popping Old Navy closed last
00:15:07
year on Mars there's maybe one strip mall they're very they're not they're
00:15:13
not up to date and it's full of martians yeah and martians are not not to mean but there all the Martians are eating
00:15:20
all the cats and dogs and ducks on Mars I to give you a topical hey let's talk
00:15:27
about let's talk about Taylor Swift first how she she co-signed Kamala and
00:15:34
she just won the election I just don't know I mean I know she has 238 million followers it's a very tight election
00:15:40
she's so far as of this morning she's got 337,000
00:15:45
swifties to uh go on vote.gov so it would be interesting not only is she the
00:15:51
biggest Entertainer on the planet that she really could she turn the election I
00:15:57
know that yeah Don Rickles endorsed Nixon and he won
00:16:03
so all right yeah that's her her statement
00:16:09
um just that's fine um trying to read what you say oh yeah oh I told you that
00:16:15
AI thing was stupid putting her I don't know put that
00:16:20
out there somewhat would be funny but it was dumb yeah those things you always everything is like is it true is it true
00:16:26
oh I didn't know she wrote so much I just think it's kind of interesting that she H is such a huge presence globally
00:16:34
that maybe she will make the difference in the election that's interesting think she I think she won it for him for her
00:16:40
for her because unless Selena Gomez comes out and says the opposite and cancels out all their Instagram people
00:16:45
because they if Selena comes out and endorses Trump then it'll be a dead heat
00:16:51
and then if uh you know ludicrous comes out and coign he has a lot I'm just
00:16:58
trying to come up with that abstract name you wouldn't expect Dana Dana you don't have a chart right there do you on
00:17:03
your wall I know my influencers pretty Dar I think if David port wrode in Bobby
00:17:10
Kenner is that or portney you know the guy who rates P fry yeah they get
00:17:16
involved yeah I love that guy you go if you go you haven't seen him do this folks watch on YouTube he he goes to a
00:17:22
pizza place he comes on this out on the sidewalk he takes a bite of the pizza it's basically basic cheese pizza he
00:17:29
chews it and thinks for a second and he's trying to give it something between 1 and 10 but he goes into the decb he
00:17:36
goes he chews a couple times he goes I'm going I'm going 9.2 on this one you know
00:17:42
it's like how does he how does he know it's not an 88 it's the worst is if he goes 63 and
00:17:47
the guy behind him just goes well let's fold up shop now he said 52 and then the
00:17:53
guy ran out of bakes the pizzas with the with the pizza hey I cut C you up with the pizza
00:18:00
CER hey and he wasn't Italian all right all right let's go to the first story
00:18:06
let's go oh wait let's talk about the debate we didn't talk about the debate did we the debate well the only thing I can
00:18:11
say um is that Kamala did a good job it was in the media that she was going to
00:18:18
try to bait him and get him to go down a rabbit hle she really I assume he was aware of it but she comes out with uh
00:18:26
your it say to Donald Trump your rallies people are leaving they're
00:18:32
bored they're not that big and then he's like a bear trapped he's like my rally
00:18:37
excuse me excuse me we're supposed to debate the inflation the border the world issues and we spent about of 20
00:18:43
minutes on we got the greatest rallies and the biggest crowds you can see you can't believe how big they nobody leaves
00:18:49
guess what nobody leaves because they love it and they love it they're doing it and look at it and think about it
00:18:55
it's what we're doing so that was a that was a good good on her it was a good tactic I know five minutes later they're
00:19:00
like what do you think about he's like I just have to uh talk to this [ __ ] [ __ ] again about the rallies because um
00:19:06
not one person's ever left uh and they're like please sir just let's just talk about the issues I know she
00:19:12
shouldn't even be allowed to say that 20,000 25 30,000 people more people than
00:19:17
you can ever believe and many people are talking about it let me tell you if you look at it you see it that no one's ever
00:19:23
had a rally like I have she was she was smart they go Cala what's going on with
00:19:29
the Border why is it such a disaster she goes well this guy's 410 he can't see over the Border well he's like excuse me
00:19:35
I'm not 410 if you can clearly and then he goes crazy excuse me I'm biged up here and I'm big down there and I'm big
00:19:42
everywhere I wear a size 12 I mean it's she just kept baiting him he kept going
00:19:49
not literally but that part of the debate we're coming at this neutrally uh
00:19:54
independently just saying that was a observation that was funny who cares and
00:20:00
what about oh yeah let's show the video of I guess the President Joe Biden who's
00:20:07
just Meandering around the country he's still where in the world is Joe Biden
00:20:12
he's still the president of the United States oh my God so he's out
00:20:18
somewhere and then he's having fun with the gang he's at a fire station and someone hands him a trump hat God did he
00:20:24
get pranked and he put it on but he knew it was a trump P yeah look I did he why would he look
00:20:33
at the yeah I think he said because we should come together but he knew it but the main
00:20:39
thing is look how happy he is I don't think well show the video do we have the
00:20:48
video yeah it's it's he's in senior ditch week this is like it's June 10th to him okay here's the exchange got
00:20:56
senioritis the full exchange Buy sure all autograph a hat the man you remember
00:21:03
you remember my name you remember your name he really said that I don't remember my name I'm slow you're an old
00:21:08
fart yeah I'm an old guy yeah you would know a lot about that I guess this is
00:21:13
real I need the Trump hat it put it on puts the put put the Hat on the man goes
00:21:20
I'm proud of you now so that is that real that he said to him here it
00:21:26
isal presidential seal oh sure huh you remember your name I
00:21:33
don't remember my name I'm slow here give me that hot dog I'll sign it yeah I know man I'm an old guy you're
00:21:42
I know you would know about that what C being old oh I know all right I'm a
00:21:48
young timer F take your time with that autograph he reminds me the guys I grew
00:21:54
up with there was always one in the neighborhood I'm
00:21:59
one jeez this isn't really Laurel and Hardy here I need that
00:22:06
hat
00:22:12
okay put it on [Laughter]
00:22:17
that God he's killing why would he put it on even as a
00:22:24
joke it's bananas he just thought it was the funniest thing in the world and now
00:22:29
they're best friends his own guy almost shot him he like you can't do hey they're
00:22:37
good thank you they're good hope you
00:22:42
like you guys Pi the F again I don't know he's got he's got to get off the stage but [ __ ] [ __ ] that was his
00:22:50
finest moment in his presidency I thought it was took him 32 minutes to sign one hat I was like I know let me
00:22:55
get it on he's doing jokes I'm kind of slow this is he in space guess what you
00:23:02
got the pen yeah he was uh I put that listen I don't even know if he's he's not a
00:23:07
headliner I don't I don't even know if he's a middle Dana I would just say he's
00:23:12
he seemed uh likable affable on point you're so positive in some real well I
00:23:18
just think it's ironic that he's about to get scooched out you know oh he got scooched already yeah he got he barely
00:23:26
came up at the debate they're like where was who is that one guy that used to be president she's like I know his name uh
00:23:33
oh he's no he's still president everyone's like is he and everyone asks around moderator is he he is yeah I was
00:23:39
debated the bill with Fig Newton um Fig Newton Fig Newton who's Fig Newton he's
00:23:47
a president of California dumb [ __ ] I did with Fig Newton and then I closed the deal with Lauren D Lauren dun and
00:23:54
Fig Newton I think those are La Scutter snack treats and I met Senator Fritos
00:24:01
Senator Fredo who said these That's my dog Nabisco and the guy in the crowd said you're not the crispiest chip in
00:24:07
the bag are you yeah um well he did a great job
00:24:14
that's our summary uh I try to be positive with everybody you know Trump got the lines the memorable on what the
00:24:21
one he said he go about Biden he goes hey is a secret for you he hates her
00:24:29
that was such out of I was like what that was entertaining is a secret he
00:24:35
hates he hates her very much and if you look at it you think about it he hates it like you wouldn't believe but but
00:24:42
guess what guess what guess what KLA didn't respond to that so smart say no
00:24:49
we're she didn't go a he likes me I have a great relationship with Joe that's crazy well she's like I hate him worse
00:24:57
they they can't be BFFs anymore after that whole thing went down I mean what what went down I was out I was out of
00:25:03
the country for a bit what went down sh uh they um they got rid of him and then
00:25:08
she's the president now but you know he doesn't know what but by the way he's still the president for another half a
00:25:15
year whatever so till end absolutely he's he's the president of these here United States so I'm just watching the
00:25:22
wheels go round and round I really like to watch them roll you know people say I'm crazy doing what I'm doing but
00:25:29
you know what song ref a good way to wrap it up they don't know that I know that watching the wheels John Lennon our
00:25:34
crowd we we just got the test back they're between 6 and 8 years [Music]
00:25:46
old apparently when they saying We Don't Need Another Hero they weren't exactly right we do need another hero herob
00:25:53
bread is a new sponsor and they uh sent us some hero bread which you know with
00:26:00
their Labor Day grilling mhm Dana I know you get grilled when you come home at
00:26:05
night but um Labor Day grilling is great uh outdoor
00:26:12
entertaining bread and buns are essential we all know this when you've got hot dogs and hamburgers yeah
00:26:19
sandwiches and just because David it's summer doesn't mean you have to cut out all carb heavy Foods you love no listen
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herob bread re invented bread they they they they get it it's fluffy it tastes good no net carbs zero gram of sugar few
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in your mouth Hawaiian rolls I was addicted to Hawaiian rolls growing up guilt-free Summer sliders you can make
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it tastes great I mean Hawaiian rolls kind of have a specific taste and they nailed it it threw me back to being 12
00:26:55
I'm literally getting hungry reading this ad for the exactly see because you can tell they're
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going to send you some and you're going to love it um mhm listen it it's uh they
00:27:07
have seated bread also because you're always looking for something if you're going to eat bread you go what's a
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better way to do it so it's not just bad for you in quotes it's not really bad for you but you know right they solve
00:27:20
that problem you get a little fiber you get less sugar more protein so now the guilt is gone put it in a picnic take it
00:27:28
out French toast whatever you do I usually just do toast toast maybe throw
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a little AO on it avocado sounds like sounds like a blast yeah it's so fun
00:27:38
actually we didn't even miss you it just me and the bread um pocket hero bread
00:27:44
for a picnic lunch count me in yeah listen delicious flavorful you're craving it and craving it I have it I
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did not split it with you I will next time uh keep the carbs out of Summer without compromising flavor with herob
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checkout that's Superfly at H O.co how about let's get some headlines
00:28:13
okay these two beauties and there's and there's their son that no one knew they had a kid the guy in the corner they've
00:28:20
already had a child dude that guy's the funniest one in the picture look at how
00:28:25
qu is that a secret service guy that cover or something I don't know he seems
00:28:30
like such a like a Brooklyn kids open Kelsey could just pick him up
00:28:36
and use them as a puppet or a dummy you know first question is Dana do you have this
00:28:42
outfit um yes would you wear it well that's just called a checker Checker box
00:28:48
dress it's all all Gucci but I like when because when these these women date
00:28:53
these guys they immediately it's it's a project so she
00:28:58
obviously got him dressed you know he's an athlete dress like this for years this guy yes he's a
00:29:05
crazy I don't think I mean an athlete dressing like that old is that what you call a bucket hat I guess is he wearing
00:29:12
a bucket hat you got to be you got to be a stud you got to be 66 280 all muscle
00:29:19
to be a to wear a bucket hat and Carri it off Brad pick we one I will tell you one person that that reminded me of that
00:29:26
wore a hat like that yeah it was uh let me see if I can pull it up yeah
00:29:32
remembering grown-ups that's Kevin James ladies and gentlemen that's the first bucket hat
00:29:39
and uh you know when we did this scene I didn't uh know he was doing that we were
00:29:44
walking into uh whatever the scene was and I thought he was goofing around with this and then they said action I'm like
00:29:51
he didn't Che it all that's the thing it's always it turns out to be like the funniest thing yeah yeah
00:29:59
sends me Halloween costumes where they all dress like us the five of us it's like a good group thing someone always
00:30:06
gets to wear the bucket at and that's the most disting I'm gonna cry it's very
00:30:11
funny when you do a movie and and it's a compliment if it turns into a Halloween costume you know there's definitely
00:30:17
Wayne's World out there there's jod dirs there's llamas from the amer's new groups so when you see a character you
00:30:23
did from something that's really fun so it was fun to see this even though we're getting away the uh original picture but
00:30:30
okay all right move on mhm didn't they put on heavy
00:30:35
PDA at that game and it was like a problem Taylor Swift and her boy the
00:30:41
game yeah that's a funny joke oh here they are again this is giving off duty
00:30:47
line cook in his 20-year-old Hostess girlfriend girlfriend what what does
00:30:53
that mean that means he looks like a line cook leaving work with his Hostess girlfriends funny oh I see well yeah if
00:30:59
you're dressing funky like that yeah he's got the striped pants a sleeveless shirt yeah that's that's yeah but she's
00:31:07
always to the nines right with boots and yeah stockings and jewelry and big I
00:31:12
shouldn't comment on this because I don't know anything but yeah I would think she used to always dress great and I like that the stupid comment wastes
00:31:19
Time by saying we're pretending she looks 20 um this is a joke and she does
00:31:24
kind of look 20 and it's funny for the joke I don't know if we should actually
00:31:30
get online and give that dumb comment um you know what I mean what a
00:31:35
[ __ ] joke killer like look really I've heard she's not 20 I just Googled it she's higher I've been 35 before and
00:31:42
if you stay out of the sun use moisturizer you can pretty much look very very young 45's a little different
00:31:50
we'll see her listen to this [ __ ] I went I want to hear de leopard Journey
00:31:57
Jo we went over this when I went to buy my two $22
00:32:04
beers I got [ __ ] carded I didn't tell you this I got carded Dana my cherubic
00:32:11
face and I go like this the funniest part was he goes ID and I go give you ID
00:32:18
to buy the beer okay then I go like this and he goes like this okay you don't go Bo oh you're
00:32:27
[ __ ] way old than he just goes just making sure it's matching up
00:32:33
but was it legit cuz I I had a legit one at 53 I think it was legit because he
00:32:39
didn't say anything on he didn't C other people around you he didn't the only one he wasn't like we have to card you it
00:32:46
was empty so I walked up and then he goes I go two beers and he goes ID and
00:32:51
he held him back and I go but he wasn't being like jokey but he literally was
00:32:56
kind of saying that you it's a flattering that you might you might 20
00:33:02
maybe I was 20 yeah it was more we have to card everyone that yeah well if you
00:33:09
wear a turtleneck clean shaven with a baseball cap give a angle and say I'd
00:33:15
like some Bazooka Joe gum and a quter vodka yeah you know and some rub
00:33:22
rubbers did you ever buy condoms as a teenager yeah but i' always go give me a
00:33:30
comb a yo-yo some Magnums and uh maybe a Slurpee yeah I would like a half of a
00:33:38
cow and the largest condoms you make is so I would go in and go so the
00:33:43
XXL extra large that's the biggest there's nothing else in the back that's bigger no sir that is the biggest one we
00:33:51
make nothing in the back really there's nothing bigger this is absolutely the
00:33:56
biggest I mean it was so frustrating I know the worst is I'd get the biggest biggest and then just show off but then
00:34:03
it was embarrassing when the girls there and I have to tie it off the bunge cord oh you're going back to the grumpy old
00:34:09
man from 19 TOS bung that's a joke that you wrote for my character in my day we
00:34:16
didn't have thin latex condoms you gotta what was it a bear skin you got a bear
00:34:23
skin and you tied it off with a bungee cord and we use the same won over and
00:34:29
over again that killed on Saturday Night Live wash it once a year in the Crick mhm I want to be a grumpy old man you
00:34:37
are next one oh oh Shannon sharp had a I don't
00:34:44
know what to say about this but Shannon sharp I guess this happened this morning he uh had a sex
00:34:51
tape live he live streamed it and then he was and then he wasar
00:34:58
skip skip skip bayth they're like are you with skip bis right now skip I don't
00:35:05
know no no no skip yeah I guess he was having seex and then um but how are you
00:35:12
on live stream well first of all how often does he have sex on camera like is
00:35:17
it eight out of 10 nine out of 10 second of all how long how how many times has
00:35:22
he live streamed it was he surprised he's clearly embarrassed
00:35:28
because he said it was hack it's a accident in quotes by the way AI is saving everybody because you can say
00:35:34
UFOs are AI you can say anything's AI now so you can say AI took over my phone that sounds like me it's not uh and then
00:35:43
also but at least he admitted it I mean who car sex at certain point like this
00:35:48
isn't going to hurt him he it's going to make him sound cool or something right well and and once again is the whole
00:35:54
thing made up have we re have our people reached out to because sh Sharps people no we don't we
00:36:00
don't have people we don't I don't believe I don't I'm not even sure you're in the here on the show with me could be a digital copy you know that come on you
00:36:07
know that on possible guess guess what it's not really you because I know it
00:36:14
could be you I know how it looks you look too good to be you that's better you got out of
00:36:21
it next please that is when you boy this
00:36:26
is a cute one we a couple feel good this girl plays charades and she's very good at it
00:36:32
watch is animals animals what are they go Flamingo yes go horse spider yes
00:36:43
[Music] spider narwhal yes
00:36:48
narwhal pelic pelic whale is there anything wrong
00:36:55
there's no wrong guesses seahorse
00:37:01
seahorse seah walrus damn I love how happy the parent
00:37:10
n you made that Piper this kid is hysterical she
00:37:16
first of all they got 10 out of 10 that was a record there is I used to do a bit
00:37:21
on the power of the cuteness of like a 2-year-old or a three-year-old they're like insanely innocent Ador I think she
00:37:28
was maybe two and a half no probably higher what do you think but I mean there is an age where a kid will go like
00:37:35
this you can't see me can you see me everything is adorable everything is crazy adorable two to four yeah I lost
00:37:44
that about three years ago like my huge cuteness Factor my
00:37:50
remember when you first got on SNL and I was in the office and you came in Mr Carvey can I come in and I just sort of
00:37:55
said come here you're a newcast my I lifted you up put you on my lap and I said how you doing buddy and then it got
00:38:02
weird cuz I got a boner anything that ends with Boner and
00:38:09
then I hear Dennis Miller looking through the door going Christ Cary I should have knocked for CH making a
00:38:15
making a twiist dummy this is still work Christ
00:38:21
carve I got dentist used to go can you slide a couple [ __ ] update jokes under my desk make yourself useful you
00:38:28
got shut out at read through got time on your hands it's like God damn there's no
00:38:34
one like escaping escaping the beating so funny but he was right I gotta write
00:38:39
update jokes I did try it's just too hard to write for Dennis he's too good he writes his own jokes better Dennis
00:38:45
next one joke machine okay go ahead see if I messed okay what is this okay I this
00:38:52
this is oh I just have a question when you're trying to park in the real world
00:38:57
this is is just a random stupid one uh this is a social study are you allowed
00:39:02
to save spaces okay play it because see this guy he's laying down in
00:39:09
a space and this guy wants to park look at he's pushing him he's bumping into
00:39:16
him I don't know if I need the guy laughing on the camera but so he's sitting in a space to save it for his
00:39:22
friend right for someone's circling the neighborhood and he's saving it that's a weird one where I don't know where the
00:39:27
jurisdiction and the laws lie where where people just take over and go this is just sort of a street thing if I
00:39:34
stand here you can't park here I'm waiting for my friend to park here that's so odd that'll get you a beat
00:39:41
down I don't I think first person there wins I don't know if that I don't know if I would do that you know because it's
00:39:48
like you wouldn't lay on a car and let it back over you that part I kind of like that's a little sexy in a weird way I don't even
00:39:55
I can't explain why but the push back and he's like but um no I'm saying I
00:40:01
wouldn't do it would John litz do it we golfed yesterday and he goes and I
00:40:09
was out I was out by the Pro Shop in the back and he came up and he goes there you are he goes I
00:40:17
was going to pay this time and I go oh I didn't pay go ahead and he
00:40:23
goes how about I buy lunch andu well he he said well that's not the right answer
00:40:31
no no I haven't paid you pay yeah I know yeah I came out to say this I came late
00:40:37
so you would have paid that's not the correct answer no and then I bought actually a pullover and he goes I'll buy
00:40:44
you a hat if you want I go just buy this no a hat and I go John don't even
00:40:51
say it like I don't want a hat I want this you want to buy this no I'll be on the course then he run did you did you
00:40:58
golf much or did you just sort of he does just laugh at him he's funny yeah oh he's funny the way he walks yeah no
00:41:05
stuck in the in the sand trap and all the weeds he's like help help I'm trapped and I can't get
00:41:11
out of the Trap by the way the golf proo he hates me because he saw this and he goes you told a story and it's not even
00:41:17
close to being true I go I got about 20% of it right that's not enough so it is
00:41:25
enough because I go I tell the funny version so he is losing balls just say he did he plays good but he lost a two
00:41:31
on one hole and so the pro comes by and he talks to us for a while and he
00:41:38
thinks he's like a PA on a movie and he goes hey can you can you uh go if you
00:41:46
find those two balls in the rough I'll tip you or something and he goes no I'm
00:41:53
okay and he goes I'll give you one if you find I'm like he's the golf pro of
00:41:59
the place he's just coming out to chat but he thought he was like a worker that was going to get excited to make three
00:42:04
bucks or something and he goes yeah if you clean off my driver I'll give you a $5 bill yeah and then the guy heally
00:42:12
ranked yeah and he goes and he's just trying to [ __ ] and then he goes hey John can I get your cheeseburger when I
00:42:19
go back in and he goes no I'm fine I just ate and I go he's joking John he doesn't want to be your
00:42:28
intern yeah anyway go ahead next [Music]
00:42:39
story oh I have a show idea Dana that we can produce it's either living with litz
00:42:45
we'll check the crowd here that's not bad right Heather you guys Heather living with LoveIt or living Lavita
00:42:54
loveits it's funny right we just watch doing this all day how about John Lovitz
00:43:00
it took one day to know him and 20 years to believe itom one day to meet him and 20 to get
00:43:08
rid of him did you okay hea's I talked to him right before I came on this show what'
00:43:15
you say here he is oh how about love itss or leaveit that was his dating show I think
00:43:21
that was his dating show yeah oh he does have that has Heather's idea oh Heather's pushing back love it or leave
00:43:28
it here we go okay this is just a sickening story of I didn't know they had this I knew Hot Dog Eating how about
00:43:35
grotesque pickle juice okay go ahead two 1
00:43:42
[Applause] go sick
00:43:48
sick that's what are you really winning in life with that I love you know humans used to get
00:43:55
up at 4:00 a.m. and and work for 15 hours sing Kum by ya get a shot of
00:44:01
whiskey go back to bed now humans have a lot of downtime so someone somewhere said let's
00:44:08
do a pickle juice swallowing competition I love it did you ever go over Niagara
00:44:13
Falls in a barrel there's rumors that you did no I did not you did I've been in Niagara Falls and did a gig I watched
00:44:21
The Falls um it doesn't always work out for those guys right what would be if
00:44:26
you had a thing you could eat the fastest or drink the fastest what would be the most Pleasant thing that you
00:44:31
think you would want to you have five seconds I have five seconds to eat it to
00:44:38
answer this question oh a mommy I eat atam mommy pretty fast but I
00:44:45
guess I mean what do you not have to chew pickle juice is good because they didn't say that he also won the farting
00:44:52
contest right after right and the and the next door is
00:44:58
the load in your pants Booth where you could win a PR yeah what what a fun carnival I like there's a crowd there
00:45:04
going oh I can't wait to wait in line to see the one second event go to the jack off tent and see an amazing show excuse
00:45:12
me the fully loaded diaper Symposium it's a hor it's a horrible horrible
00:45:18
Carnival that's my only Point okay that's it all these horrible things freak show is that the okay next one
00:45:27
maybe I'm giving you Duds Dana oh this is I or I'm a dud no I'm I'm a Japanese
00:45:33
game show they're always funny this one she has to serve dinner in a tilted room
00:45:38
what a dumb idea so funny here she comes this looks like an
00:45:45
SNL [Laughter]
00:45:51
sketch so Dum so that's a game show yeah if she can do it she wins but of course
00:45:57
she B is utterly ridiculously false well yeah it looks like a fake fall but it's
00:46:03
still funny the language um just sounded cool makes it
00:46:12
funnier don't make me do don't do Japanese oh here we go no I'm going to do a French man French man in earthquake
00:46:20
okay everybody because we had an earthquake today yeah
00:46:31
now I'm going Japanese
00:46:36
sorry I can't believe it I went into a Japanese accent when I was doing a fren
00:46:42
accent I like the French Guy where is he though is he just in his office or he's like in a Mee yeah he's just because
00:46:47
there's no earth right he's on a zoom meeting
00:46:57
there we go he sounds kind of like the Japanese guy they both have a similar reaction well any everyone's screaming
00:47:04
sounds the same you know yeah that that Quaker this morning it was like my house
00:47:10
got hit by a bus it was like it like kind of shook me off my hinges for a second then it was like they said it was
00:47:16
a 5-1 that's that's actually substantial yes in
00:47:22
malib I was at the manderlay bay in Vegas and there was a big Earth quake in
00:47:27
Vegas that that got my attention is that when you go like this in a when you're in a high building yeah it's just
00:47:34
shaking and I thought to myself what are the odds of this happening in Vegas and
00:47:39
you can bet that people like to watch me pining on
00:47:45
here looking at my people love you watch your PR they love it they love the preining of the Spade you you should
00:47:51
have a rap album with all these ladies next to Rolls-Royce and unifer cod it's called embarrassment of
00:47:59
[ __ ] all right what do we have any more show us more the crowd is like clamoring we're actually gaining followers as we talk oh I laugh at this
00:48:07
because this is for the theater Majors with the pushy teacher okay I'll just show you what happens okay that time our
00:48:14
teacher wouldn't get off the stage at our sixth grade musical sixth grade
00:48:21
[Music]
00:48:29
she just stops her teacher took what an [ __ ]
00:48:35
wow like what the [ __ ] in the corner get off the stage she keeps going
00:48:44
they're unionizing and revolting you see them walking down the steps like what are we doing here I know there
00:48:50
classically funny yes that's just that's right out of some will Ferell movie or
00:48:55
something David movie yeah yeah there
00:49:00
are people who just love my sister who's visiting with me just loves karaoke
00:49:07
loves the stage she's like literally like Lucille Ball like she just loves performing so that teacher got into
00:49:14
teaching and then just couldn't help herself stole the focus from that cute little sixth grader that was had a good
00:49:20
voice yeah she sang one line and she went what are we doing what and then she took them yeah and she said fudge she
00:49:27
didn't sing duet she just said fudget and walked away you know what kind of made me miss Karen Carpenter because
00:49:33
that song is sort of I love her so much yeah okay Dana ready did you know that Karen Carpenter is one of the best
00:49:39
drummers that ever lived I heard this like a genius level all right here we go we didn't even talk about that godd dang
00:49:45
girl in Dancing with the Stars Ste PM the pommel horse guy got on the kind of
00:49:51
supposedly nerd that you remember oh that guy yeah yeah great that he's on M
00:49:57
but then that criminal Anna Anna Dela yeah so she gets on and she's
00:50:06
wearing a [ __ ] ankle monitor I know it gets him a lot of attention but is that what you want your kids watching be a criminal and it'll pay off and it paid
00:50:12
off big she got to write a book they did a movie about her CU she she ripped off
00:50:18
everyone everyone's like guess what you guys well guess what here's the deal and by the way the woman who was break
00:50:25
dancing the Olympics and came out with sort of this really NY she's number one in the world I heard that I took a
00:50:32
picture of that I thought that was so great yeah oh yeah yeah number one break
00:50:37
dancer in the world so it shows you that you know you never know so wearing an anle bracelet ankle bracelet no an
00:50:46
actual device on yeah she's wearing an ankle for real an ankle bracelet uh so
00:50:52
so and Reay gun I don't know if she's in any sort of trouble with the police but she should not accept that because she
00:50:59
got so much hate over the fact that her guy she was with us on the board they got the pick whatever the story was of
00:51:06
course I have no facts in well I read I read about the judge who sentenced that you will be under house arrest for six
00:51:13
months and you will wear a monitoring device on your ankle in this court further rules that in case you are a
00:51:21
contestant on Dancing With the Stars we will give you permission to leave your premise how did she get out well that
00:51:29
was part of the plea deal your honor my client would like to be able to go on Dancing With the Stars be famous as long
00:51:35
as she wears the device that will track her as punishment my client would like to also be super famous and make money
00:51:43
as punishment okay that makes sense yeah I know all right is that it or we have any more what did you have to say Dana
00:51:49
you go ahead uh nothing much really um you had some [ __ ] you want to say
00:51:57
uh all I have all I say Haitians geese did we find out they're friends
00:52:03
with the geese I just think the bigger story was there's a town of 60,000 in Ohio and they brought 20,000 Haitians in
00:52:10
why didn't he just ask isn't that a lot of people homeless people to bring into
00:52:16
a town of 60,000 forget about eating geese and whatever's happening were not
00:52:21
happening just say well how are they supposed to handle that why would they bring them all to that town I mean is
00:52:27
that thean that's why the town where would you like to go I'd like to go to Springfield Ohio I can't do a haian
00:52:33
where did they film Tommy Boy Ohio let's go looks like a fun
00:52:38
town I would say yeah I don't know why I don't know what the what's going on because where I I don't have uh Haitians
00:52:46
where I live right now I'd love to hang out with you don't have any Wildlife you have nothing you don't have Ducks you don't
00:52:52
have geese you live in a padded cell there's donkeys and
00:53:02
wol okay should we end on that impression uh let's end on I'm gonna
00:53:07
interrogate you for a minute as Senator John Kennedy oh no we have to show a picture because everyone talks about the
00:53:14
comments when you started the podcast you had Clips ready to go to do
00:53:24
funny rejoinders on on the clips do I do I have that correct is that that was your plan sorry what's a
00:53:32
rejoiner now let me give me a little joh okay here's one forisk did you know that
00:53:40
we as a nation give away billions of dollars to countries that hate us why
00:53:48
can't we just have them hate us for free that's one he really said that's a
00:53:54
good line is that a good one let me get this straight I'm reading this if you have an illegal immigrant
00:54:03
run into on a city block and you say hello sir and they say I'm here but your
00:54:11
[ __ ] box country don't mean dick to me what is your response to
00:54:20
that I say go back to your country if you love it so much that's a good sixth an exciting
00:54:27
time the debates have been so amazing people gets ears shot off you
00:54:32
got Bobby Kennedy Jr going out you got you got just stuff happening Biden's
00:54:37
still around it's going to be it's quite a next 57 days and the highlight of it
00:54:43
all you get to hear us read ads on here and on flying the wall nobody reads ads
00:54:51
let let me tell you something they don't skip over our ads they listen to our ads you look at it they never they never
00:54:57
they listen and they do it and you can look at it and you see it and they know it and they got it and they will it
00:55:02
everyone's buying everyone's everyone's buying everything they promote okay
00:55:07
thanks Dane it was nice to meet you and uh thanks David um yeah stay in school and I think you're doing work some big
00:55:13
announcements coming up Dana we'll talk about it next week okay this has been a presentation of
00:55:20
odsy Superfly is executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade Jenna white sperman of Odyssey Heathers Soro and
00:55:26
Greg Holtzman hope you liked it
00:55:32
[Music]
