00:00:00
[Music] well I know you have a tub like a
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Scarface tub right look at a fly look at man your woman baby so you get in that Scarface
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tub every night a CI tub with a big cigar let's put on the only fence look
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at this look at us she for us let's see what she can do let's see if it makes me excited oh
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look at you man look at you
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my point is this if you're about to embark on this mini tour how can you
00:00:42
possibly concentrate on this podcast on this stupid [ __ ] i' it's easy I zone out
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let you take over no I uh it's actually this is the fun one because we don't
00:00:54
have to know anything about the guests or anything we just come in here and Riff on subjects
00:01:00
sometimes it works sometimes you're just hanging out with us and hopefully it's kind of fun
00:01:06
because you're seeing us you know what it is people say this is like what it
00:01:12
would be like if you and Dana were just together sitting on his bed in his room talking pretty much and and that's
00:01:20
that's worth everything if we if we had seen Charlie Chaplain and Lou
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Costello hanging I'm not saying where those that level but those two guys hanging out and
00:01:32
talking be F I would listen to it I would listen now listen people and the
00:01:38
in YouTube they say all these nice things I always say that but it's true and then sometimes they give me suggestions like I think you should do
00:01:44
more of this I'm sorry on your free podcast that costs absolutely nothing while you're doing something else and
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fast forwarding over our awardwinning commercials nobody gives it up like no
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nobody gives it up like I almost teared up doing B last week we should call this podcast in the background we just just
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play it in the background just put it on your TV and then just hear like little bits that's all you need to listen to
00:02:10
this podcast properly make sure you doing a physical activity and your mind
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is completely completely preoccupied gardening lifting weights driving on the
00:02:21
autoban because there are fans in Germany sorry sure see I'll tell you one
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thing that happened on the road now we all know I'm a road hack I know and then I do want to go over your dates only
00:02:33
because I want to hear what towns you're going to to see if I've played those towns and then see how many people you D
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draw and then we can contrast and compare but first of all Heather pulled the dates anyway just I know some of
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them will test me so right now I just did a couple and then now I'm back but uh oh we got coming up we got how' they
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go Harford Providence okay that's Friday Saturday I'll be doing so those are both
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Connecticut no no Rhode Island no Hartford Connecticut Hartford Connecticut
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Providence Rhode Island Kyle dunigan's gonna join me that funny guy Kyle dunan
00:03:10
yeah not bunny he's gonna he's out there so I said come over and go on with me that's cool uh Vegas with Nikki after
00:03:16
that end of September and then I got a four four day Florida run with kathern
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blanford and Bobby mimoto we got West Palm Beach Fort Meers Melbourne Daytona
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Beach then I go to Denver for a special taping and then Kansas City whoa CH I mean so you're going to
00:03:36
do four and in thank four in Florida and then head right to Denver and shoot your
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special it's a four in florid well four and
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FL is to warm you up because you don't have your act cold we understand you
00:03:55
have a tele PR most of the time no I don't I did a corporate last night I
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have two this week which is great I love them last night was for lawyers you have to do a little jibber jabber up front
00:04:05
you know they yeah yeah if you want to say you don't they don't even tell you they say do whatever you want but they they totally take care of you it's
00:04:11
always nice you yeah yeah yeah i' love them yeah and so uh it was not just a
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500 lawyers it was lawyers that were injury lawyers personal injury so really
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of course I made fun of them and then I made fun of the CEO it's always funny and then this one this week I go do is
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11 th000 people in the I didn't know that I just saw it said crowd size roughly 11,000 I
00:04:34
go is that in Vegas usually that's a that one's in Boston that's on the way to my Providence show 11,000 I know is
00:04:42
that crazy they said Ryan Reynolds is doing something I'm like what is going on so anyway it'll be fun um but here's
00:04:48
what I will tell you my one story from the road is I had to do a zoom doctor appointment our favorite things I guess
00:04:54
because we're old this to go to doctor Heather doesn't even know this so I go to the zoom and I have an undisclosed
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just a thing that of course you get nervous you go can I just talk to you about something so I zoom in and here's
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the doctor like this MH in the zoom and then way back by the Bruce Lee
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skateboard there's a young Asian woman on a computer like this you know what I
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mean taking notes yeah I see her back there and I'm like and then he's like so
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what can I do for you and then she's like back there just going and then I go uh well I got this and that he goes
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M okay can you take off your shirt for me and I see her like
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this really yeah and then I go what what uh and then I do I comply
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because I'm easily manipulated plot is thickening I'm very curious right now what you got it's very vague I the fans
00:05:52
okay I want to hear you fans get and then I hear her go Jesus Christ I'm like
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what's that back there she he's like oh she's just taking notes she's said don't listen to her and I'm like well and then
00:06:05
and then she's like um jelly roll and I go okay if you wrote jelly roll that's
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not a medicinal um term so she's critiquing your body with slang in the
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background this is a hell of a terminology yeah and then she's
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like and then he's like uh can I see under your nuts please and she's like
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she looks like don't say nuts well he said ball sack or something well no they don't he said his
00:06:36
Nares you got a weird doctor I don't know I've heard about this being a scam was it was that was he Nigerian well it
00:06:43
was an incoming call but he said he was a doctor okay all right well all right let's see okay it was just it was a zoom
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it was a FaceTime and it says I go this is Doctor potential
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spam yeah okay that's the first T So then what happened should should that be the name of my special potential spam I
00:07:04
used too that should be a rapper if I was going to be a hip-hop guy I'd be called potential spam that's a good one
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mhm uh okay so anyway let's see the undercarriage of your nut sack please
00:07:16
this is their doctor ordering it do it is he miming out what he would be doing to you if he was in the room he go like
00:07:22
this give it the lift and give it that and then B turn around and bend over and
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I'm like is this still about my cough yeah yeah we just could you punch him like a speed bag just with your hands
00:07:33
let me just see you do that I have not okay so then what
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happened and then the lady in the back keeps going I don't like when she looks up it's always something gross all right
00:07:49
now can you uh maybe spread your butt cheet I go don't you're not looking you're just listening you don't need to
00:07:55
look and listen right right anyway that's all well can you give the fans
00:08:00
out here and maybe for me uh that that t uh number oh you want to do this stuff
00:08:07
it's kind of fun I'll tell you one thing I happened to me that was embarrassing I don't know if mentioned this but I went
00:08:13
in for a hernia check MH and I was at Cedar sign hernia check ended up being
00:08:20
not but the guy comes in he's 60 balding nice guy kind of Burly hey I've got a
00:08:27
trainee here who's just going to watch the whole thing now MH I'm not going to
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exaggerate I mean I mean literally Beyonce came in the room I
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mean literally I said is Beyonce here she looked exactly and so oh that hot
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unbelievably attractive African-American woman that looked exactly like Beyonce
00:08:51
so I first I tried to get out and he goes too late I said I don't want to do this so then I had to stand
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up face away from beyon nurse by Beyonce Dro my drawers while he's doing all this
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stuff and I thought what does Nurse Beyonce think of my ass that's all I
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thought what about your pup tent you had you had to threw a Twan North Face out there I could not go
00:09:18
there I mean you're visual you're you're visual I'm more emotional if you see
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something well how emotional did you get with her in 35 seconds no I just I just did not feel like it was anything
00:09:32
romantic it's a cold room it's a tough room what I wanted to say to the doctor do you agree with me that this trainy
00:09:40
doctor looks exactly like Beyonce oh yeah I know that yeah oh my god did you
00:09:46
tell her Mike drop it was Beyonce good night it was mm no what if it was like a
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prank show is it Beyonce or not Beyonce is going to be shaving your testicles right
00:10:00
now and let's look at a clip we've referred to testicles seven times in the
00:10:05
first I know I can't I have another one I'll wait for next week okay so what else is going on in your world we get
00:10:12
into I was just musing on a couple things one was um the uh celebrity endorsement like
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obviously Taylor Swift and today Billy ish who I am a huge fan of came out for politics Endor for politics uh endorsed
00:10:28
Cala and I don't know if you saw the you I guess it was a Tik Tok clip and Billy
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I said I I will want you to vote fora Harris yes yes
00:10:42
didr so she did the whisper singing but anyway I I don't
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think there's ever been a time when celebrity endorsements for political
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office have not influenced the election my dad voted for Ronald Reay again and I
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said what made you vote for him he goes oh Jesus Christ Glenn Campbell endorsed him I go why would you listen to Glenn
00:11:06
Campbell because I like witch lineman lineman that's a good song
00:11:12
though do you have do you remember one you remember a celebrity I'm throwing at the ball of your court do you remember
00:11:18
celebrity endorsement through political history that I was young but I was I was
00:11:24
a little uh w i was sort of wavering but when when Spuds McKenzie came out for
00:11:30
Jimmy Carter do you remember Spuds McKenzie the Bud Light dog it was the dog with a spot in his eye but he was at
00:11:37
all the fraternity parties and I was like this [ __ ] dude knows what's up Lassie had a big say in what I did um
00:11:45
but these were just animals but there I I want to think regular people I guess
00:11:50
it's good I mean I figured Taylor Swift was probably that leaning that way Billy iish too I mean I don't think it's a
00:11:57
shocker I think it's a shocker of someone you don't think is pushing for someone you don't think they would well
00:12:04
it goes with Elon Musk or anyone if you are following the endorsement of anyone
00:12:10
who's worth at least 200 million to a billion they might have different
00:12:16
problems than you have say political you know they live in a different
00:12:23
Universe by meaning they have no problems I didn't want to say we've both been on Jets most people have never been
00:12:31
on one it's so different you could never describe it it's ronculus and so it is
00:12:39
borderline redonkulous that's another good special name I'll write that one down now moving on the Trump
00:12:47
assassination attempt number two there's already a special on Netflix about it is there has there been any since we
00:12:53
started this podcast well now they have to double down because Trump is not only a golfer like
00:13:01
he bowls he's a bowler so I'm just thinking it's not like spy versus spy like his ball will come up and'll have a
00:13:07
fuse explode that's funny Trump that's a
00:13:13
bomb I didn't think so that's my ball let me have it here so they have to now
00:13:19
the secret Serv has to account he loves to play Pinball they got to have you know the ball goes up everything's
00:13:25
exploding so there's going to be more recreational you know croquet Trump plays croquet here we go we get right
00:13:33
through the little metal cage I think everyone's got well I don't want to give
00:13:38
ideas of how to do it I'm just saying that this last guy wasn't really even trying uh he I think he had a gun he was
00:13:46
in the bushes and there was an AK right well yeah that's that's TR I
00:13:51
would put that in the category of trying hiding in I didn't hear any whizzing bullets I didn't see I don't think he
00:13:57
actually shot the gun I don't because he made a rookie mistake he stuck he he hit
00:14:04
I keep doing sen a cartoon he he's stuck no yeah hit in the bushes and then like
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an idiot he stuck the barrel out from the bushes and they had one guy up there with like a pistol or something Secret
00:14:16
Service guy checking it out he saw the barrel right it's it's it's like you know I thought I saw Wy wabbit and then
00:14:23
he started shooting at the guy and the guy said I don't really I really like Trump and he threw his up in the air and
00:14:29
started running oh my God at least one of the Secret Service guys gets binoculars you know let's they do have
00:14:36
to share it but let's get those guys loaded a little better I know he's not the real president but you know let's
00:14:41
keep our eyes what they really needed was a k9 team now if you have a k9 if
00:14:46
you have a k9 if you have a k9 a k9 a k9 team is that what you're saying
00:14:53
yeah you get a k9 teams you have four German Shepherds all over that Golf Course
00:14:59
I'm doing you now that guy doesn't have a chance but I think it's kind of brilliant gun they
00:15:05
go that's they're pointing the Secret Service guys where boy where where over there right right
00:15:15
there points with his right now was there a k9 team sniffing around the
00:15:23
premises well I don't know Senator John Kennedy well well I'm can I read you a letter I have a letter right in front of
00:15:29
me go ahead that's it now here he uses the glasses now I understand your words
00:15:36
not mine that you indicated he's talking to a secret service guy yeah that
00:15:42
perhaps professional golfer Brook capka did I did I pronounce that right that he
00:15:50
had shot three overpar on the hole and what not shots fire whatever I see him
00:15:56
out of time so now that is is it Kea I'm seeing it's k o now what is that is that
00:16:04
you pronounced one called Shambo did I get that right Bryson Shambo D Shambo D
00:16:12
Shambo professional golfer your words not mine any relation to Dennis D
00:16:19
canini remember him yeah is he from Arizona oh now you you said that Lee
00:16:26
Travino was also it on the golf course is that your words not mine did I get
00:16:32
that right am I close all right I just I just wanted to taste no we have to get
00:16:38
him in every time a little bit a little bit we don't want to torture our fan fan base oh and more serious news Dana this
00:16:44
just in uh this just in you're you're butd Puff Daddy I know you have all his
00:16:50
records does he have any records uh got busted and now they said the I mean we
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saw that coming I guess but they said they found found is this is this right a
00:17:01
thousand bottles of baby oil in his house when they rated it too much is
00:17:07
that righted a thousand bottles of baby oil they clown him because look at how
00:17:14
goof they they pick the funniest picture of these happy against sex trafficking I know he's like a a college senior going
00:17:22
hey the team's playing tonight and look at he looks so sweet oh man oh I'm just
00:17:30
saying P Diddy you what what are you doing P Diddy what the heck dude a
00:17:37
thousand bottles of oil this I don't see him at Costco you have to buy it in bulk
00:17:42
you can't go to Circle K and buy three at a time that's what you have to do actually you can't buy all those that's red flag you send your little henchmen
00:17:49
in three at a time till you get to th now listen I have 300 bottles but that's
00:17:55
normal a th000 is too much it's too much it's hard to work for p didy like they
00:18:00
got to 500 they go boss is this good that's 500 bottles more but we are not
00:18:06
even close to running out I want more I tell you that's actually his real
00:18:11
speaking that's pu daddy why yes it is when I'm not to my rapper guy I talk
00:18:17
like this I want more baby oil than a man could shake his stick at I want over
00:18:22
a thousand bottles of good oldfashioned baby oil Babble B I feel like might be
00:18:29
an Al Capone situation where they get him on hoarding baby oil you know what I
00:18:34
mean rightone yeah he gets off on all the incredibly bizarre Jeffrey Epstein
00:18:40
style charges and it all is on too much baby Capone for the younger
00:18:46
viewers was sort of a criminal but they got him on taxes sort of a criminal yeah
00:18:51
he was like a gangster I mean he had H stuff but and they tried to get him on bootlegging back then you could go to
00:18:58
jail for drinking a bottle of beer and um then they got him on
00:19:03
tax evasion tax evasion yeah tax evasion might be that kind of situation
00:19:10
[Music]
00:19:16
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investing involves risk performance is not guaranteed but let's get to the headlines Puff Daddy uh good luck to you
00:20:15
Puff Daddy saying that um you know surprisingly he didn't look puffy at all in court he looked very rested he looks
00:20:22
he looked good that's what 100 million on doy okay so this we're doing a video because Britney
00:20:29
we always talk about Britney and everyone loves Britney yes she always she does these videos that are a little
00:20:35
kooky but they're getting uh cookier now this is about te okay let me see so this
00:20:41
just does not look like Britney as I recall right now it doesn't look like her let's play a little bit of it
00:20:49
yeah oh okay go to the end if it's working well just first of
00:20:55
all okay so did watch the um VMAs I didn't watch the VMAs but I did see
00:21:02
stuff on my uh phone from YouTube of Sabrina Carpenter scratchy why is she
00:21:08
kissing an alien who's writing her bits I adore her um actually skip to the end so we can see the teeth little better
00:21:14
not her go back this is her no right there look this from her look at the
00:21:20
teeth she was like she said something after scariest humans I've ever
00:21:27
seen she made be cool right a picture of her what we
00:21:32
normally I think it's a good impression I don't think it's her but now that was on her regular Instagram I think oh really but what's
00:21:39
with the teeth so she put in teeth that made her teeth there's the Britney we recall yeah [ __ ] Hollywood how do I
00:21:46
have I'm my teeth still place is beating I know what was the horror film where they the the witch woman crawled through
00:21:52
the television set that's the ring Heather Greg altergeist I said the Ring The Ring
00:22:01
The Ring she they're both right I would say the ring she looked like she crawled through the TV set on the
00:22:07
ring they're doing a remake it's called The Ring light and it's filmed in your bedroom look behind your head there's a
00:22:12
ring light I know look make it look like your earring oh other way other way
00:22:19
there oh boy I this is just messing with my brain yeah B Dana saw that she's making sure
00:22:26
Heather's making sure you saw the huge gaps in her teeth it was like this m Britney I mean does she needs to be
00:22:32
choppered out of there wherever she is like I don't know what's going on maybe it was better to have a conservative ship that's my strong point of view
00:22:40
that's a real ballsy stance yeah um it's a tell the haunted teeth and the haunted
00:22:47
face and then the voice was that from the choke necklace or something because choke chain if I came on our
00:22:53
podcast and I was like hey David I want tell you I have to say the voice You' be
00:23:00
scared you'd be scared I don't know is she a
00:23:05
smoker oh she deleted it since she's a midnight toker I can tell you that
00:23:11
deleting is always feels guilty of something but I don't know her it's such a complicated thing with Britney
00:23:17
everyone's crazy about her everyone's worried about her but everyone really gets up her ass in her business and I don't know when it's not our business
00:23:25
anymore I feel like everyone's business is my business well what talking us about it's giving
00:23:31
us F it's making us uh relevant but yeah I I wish her the best I do think us
00:23:37
Jesus us relevant it's given me farter it's given us it's given us podcast F
00:23:44
but I wish her all the best but I still don't think that was her or it was her I don't know what it was it seemed too
00:23:49
obviously weird and and maybe she as soon as she clicked off she was laughing her ass off put it that way I mean
00:23:57
what's on her Instagram so something we going how did you stay so sane with all you've been famous for decades how did
00:24:03
you stay so normal um you're pretty normal Dana I think we get along because we're both in
00:24:10
the parameters of normal I'm kind of weird but I could be weirder that's what I will I will stand by that I could
00:24:16
definitely be weirder Sandler's pretty normal rock is pretty normal
00:24:22
yeah I would say comedians comedians tend to maybe be a little more normal we're not like like Britney's a huge she
00:24:30
was like a a a sex symbol a sex well that Skyrocket and you pepperin sex symbol and and all that and all the all
00:24:37
the crazy the and also you got all this money that the parents have are involved
00:24:42
with that we didn't really have that we kind of were in charge of our own stuff you know yeah you don't know why anyone
00:24:48
hangs out with you you don't anyone likes you you it's all anyone you date you don't know it's all bad what's the
00:24:53
elice Presley effect you know with Sonny Ray and Son of Jim and Son of Bill and everywhere he looked it was someone
00:25:00
working for him I want to get a perod damn sandwich right now when they wrote a book about him I feel like that was
00:25:06
the end I think that that was his last because he had such a small circle of friends like once those guys wrote a
00:25:11
book did you notice that that when Elvis go out there and like at Sullivan and stuff like he was in sparkling clothes
00:25:17
he was up you know best looking Rockstar ever and then the band was really homely
00:25:22
but they were great but they were really average looking he was smart I think he got authentic guys were just good and it
00:25:29
wasn't great music cuz he was the show uh he could sell it all right let's look at some more Clips or whatever we got
00:25:37
okay oh oh yeah look at okay read it for the home people jger left blooded okay go
00:25:45
ahead jogger left blooded and dazed and crying after getting mauled dot dot dot
00:25:51
by a gang of otters can you show it a little better this woman was jogging and
00:25:56
she got whoa there look at how got got by one
00:26:03
otter fine eight otter I didn't know they ganged up she was attacked look at her arms she's okay but she's very
00:26:09
blooded on her arms side of her face scroll down let me see these [ __ ] mhm when I see otter I
00:26:15
don't cross the street I go right at them there they are look at them well they're out in the street in packs they're big maybe I would
00:26:23
run look at them they're not Mir cats I'll tell you that much yeah I otter
00:26:28
scary oh they say the otter fled the scene that's funny well I wouldn't know
00:26:36
to be scared of OTS I'm usually I start scared of animals and then I go from there you know I don't always just go
00:26:41
pick them up there was house I own once come out in the
00:26:46
yard at night and there's like 10 raccoon that was scary and also they
00:26:54
they came into our house through the cat door would go downstairs eat all the cat food and then go back out is it they
00:27:01
wouldn't harm the cat so raccoon at the door it's R you know I will say Dana
00:27:07
raccoons are ones I see people playing with on Tik Tok at first glance I would not grab a raccoon they have sharp teeth
00:27:13
and sharp CLS and I don't know if they're Friend or Foe everyone thinks they're so cute and lovable I just don't know no they Paul McCartney did a good
00:27:21
song Rocky Raccoon walked into the room but don't get near him don't touch him even with Rocky Raccoon dided about a
00:27:28
raccoon it was named Rocky and he walked into the room that's all I got and I went good job
00:27:35
Paul thank you what what is our next I'm doing all my next one what is by the way
00:27:44
Puff Daddy has Puff Daddy has uh more oil than the Exxon spill I thought of this joke 10 minutes
00:27:51
later that was pretty good was all right he he get more oil than the Exxon Valdes
00:27:58
no one remembers that okay this is a staggering fact Dana okay here we go the
00:28:05
the the 2023 24 NBA combined payroll is 4.9 billion the combined only fans
00:28:11
payroll is 6.6 billion so only fans creators last year made more than the
00:28:19
NBA combined Heather can you believe it she cannot Heather yeah why why these
00:28:25
two girls that get the plug in this they should tag them because there anytime an only fans girl gets her name out there
00:28:31
and then gets across like I see Instagram things where like fake story about like I work at Arby's and I got
00:28:38
fired because I had sex with my boss it's just like a fake ad for an only and she's got a fake Arby set on don't
00:28:45
believe it I love the idea of the digitization of monetization that the
00:28:51
idea that someone let me let me let me finish of the realization of the
00:28:56
realization early on and only fans if I got it right one of the first attractive women got 15 million men to give her a
00:29:04
dollar a month for her going like hey look not even having sex on camera so it's 15 million a month so if you take
00:29:12
there's like the aggregate digital audience is like five billion so it's got two and a half billion horny men
00:29:19
willing to yeah two and a half billion not a billion not your words not mine M
00:29:25
two and a half billion horny men so I'm happy these women they don't have to walk the street and have a pimp they can
00:29:31
just do it they don't even have to have sex they just be flirtatious I'll wear my pink panties that'll be $5 times and
00:29:39
if and if I send them to you it's more so and if I put on backwards it's well I
00:29:46
think the old days like oh you can make little money if you're a stripper like when I grew up some girls my high school
00:29:51
you here about oh she's a stripper she does it way downtown she doesn't want anyone to know that's way more dangerous
00:29:58
comparatively yes not that it's bad it's just you got to walk to your car after you got horny guys everywhere they know
00:30:04
where you live they can follow you this is just I think Co really blew it up because yeah they just sit in their room
00:30:11
talk chat strip whatever and get paid and then and then they think if every
00:30:17
the more people do it the less effect it has in your career like they have to up the Annie that's
00:30:24
the problem I mean it's porn girls I always heard made a couple hundred bucks a movie and it was never a lot of money
00:30:29
but but they're like oh I went into porn for the money but it wasn't that much money and now you see these girls make
00:30:35
way more than us combined that's for sure so I always think what about the ones that are doing it and then they
00:30:40
don't make any there has to be a couple that kind of Flatline out there and just go you know I'm just gonna go back to uh
00:30:47
you know yeah I did and do my regular job St of a couple and the guy's like
00:30:53
it's with his wife and I don't think they have sex but they kind of put her out there and she dresses scantly and goes we were making maybe 40,000 a year
00:31:00
and now we're making half million dollars a month um just a couple sharing
00:31:06
their sharing their life kind of with his wife and she would you could I I don't know it was it was fairly Innocent
00:31:13
but the people who go on and do the whole full Monte and only get like three n three three to four dollars a month
00:31:21
3.98 does that exist and it's only do more I gave you my dollar do more do
00:31:28
more yeah come on I mean it is it is like they paint themselves in the corner because once it's once you do it it's
00:31:34
like why not do it but I have go i s to interrupt but I do no no I'm just saying
00:31:40
you hear about you always hear about the success stories and then it's hard I mean they have to they have to pay a vig
00:31:46
you know they they get taxed I think they they pay somebody to they have to pay only fans so you know but they still
00:31:53
me you a question how many men with women followers are on only
00:32:00
fans and what are they making I think Heather let's ask Heather
00:32:05
would she pay money to see only fan Creator I think there's a guy in there I think he's a
00:32:15
rapper Heather has poked out of curiosity that's a funny figure of
00:32:21
speech yep Heather if that's your real name suuck my head in
00:32:26
there okay here we go the top now this is the top 15 well that's only male they
00:32:32
say Heather's looking at all to see if males crack the top 10 is it straight guy I don't know I
00:32:39
mean I guess they're straight guys because they can say anybody who wants to look at the goods
00:32:44
can there's some oh
00:32:50
igga tiger and I've looked this up every couple months he's always up there for some good old Daryl Hammond is that
00:32:56
Daryl Hammond who's that c b oh bad baby and cardi B so how much would Taiga be
00:33:01
making per month M and Khalifa Still bad baby my old friend she doesn't I don't
00:33:09
know tigga made 31 million since he's joined oh my God what are you even
00:33:15
rapping for just it's you are got your new career some point you know all right
00:33:20
we got to delete our search history when I'm looking for guys on only fans we'll fix that after oh that's Greg making a
00:33:27
joke our producer okay that's a good that's our
00:33:33
first joke from our producer he fed it
00:33:38
okay now Dana what are the chances you get on only
00:33:45
fans uh oh you and Paula Heather said you and Paula might because you saw the other couple made so much money sexy
00:33:51
seniors uh absolutely in your area that's what it'd be called that's what
00:33:56
I'll say name my special sexy senior senior area yeah I am I a senior [ __ ] I
00:34:02
don't want to talk about it keep going all yeah you're no I'm I don't I don't find obvious uh um anything
00:34:11
sexual I just do mostly soaking videos I think well I know you have a tub like a
00:34:17
Scarface tub right look at a fly look at M you're woman baby so you get in that Scarface
00:34:24
tub every night a sudy tub with a big cigar a only fans look at us look at us she for
00:34:31
us let's see what she can do let's see if it makes me excited oh
00:34:38
look at you man look at youing man you think I get a f you don't
00:34:44
got a fan you don't got no money intimacy issue this is Al Pacino as
00:34:50
intimacy issue yeah you got an intimate issue man you you gotta be vulnerable
00:34:55
you got an intimate issue you got to turn on the L turn on the lce you turn
00:35:00
on the ladies you got to be vulnerable man because they like a vable people and you got to be vulnerable I used to take
00:35:06
a tub every night I know and soak your neck okay there he is oh yeah yeah me can we play
00:35:14
that clip at some point on this Scarface I'm Scarface one of the funnest things
00:35:22
I've ever done on a talk show lights out with David Spade we blew that you know what Dan do sometimes I go like this I
00:35:29
yawn and go like this and you do the same thing this is our tell sometimes you go like this especially when to fly in the wall we do yeah I've seen you do
00:35:36
it then I go I do it yeah have you seen that he leans back like that kind of itching my head like I guess we're down
00:35:42
here all right well let's do that I do too the next time we're both thinking to wrap it up I don't know if it's Bor I I
00:35:49
think we're just thinking or whatever it is it's not really boring cuz we do it in the middle but all right okay next
00:35:54
next thing and then I'll tell you more okay tells we have oh can't wait for this C oh whoops couple busted a ring
00:36:02
camera having sex in random families driveway in daylight there we go that's a only fans
00:36:10
couple I like how they I like how they put their opinion this is a reporter a sick couple have been busted that's kind
00:36:18
that's a little harsh they just like the outdoors yeah yeah the unidentified fairs Brazen sex
00:36:26
romp brazen oh the couple were filmed jumping out of the car before both pulling down their
00:36:33
pants sounds like high school it sounds but it sounds like they're playing a prank on each other dude they pulled on your pants so
00:36:41
they hooked up I like this poor reporter got to be like I'm here near the gross driveway where they splut it all over
00:36:48
are those oil stains or I'm going to back up a few actually Tim
00:36:53
pullback this is great that she had said to her mom I got a job on channel Fox 2
00:36:59
okay oh that's that's terrific Emily crane what what are you covering uh just
00:37:05
people fornicating in in sewers people fornicating in sewers darling you sure
00:37:11
you want to do that it's a [Music]
00:37:17
living um let me see uh okay next one that's all we have on that that was a good feel good story yeah they felt good
00:37:25
yeah they they pulled down each other's pants and each other's underpanties and then they got busy
00:37:32
so they're making notes are you texting me yeah no I got to call some people
00:37:37
Dana this is really right in the middle of my day this is a text from you right now pick it up
00:37:44
brother arm back this is this is five minutes ago to
00:37:50
me quit phoning it in fool give it something fool wait a minute let me oh
00:37:55
it's ringing you can't hear it here's me oh karate I Mrs Spade no he's doing he's
00:38:03
doing great today no he goes on tour tomorrow yeah we're watch Superfly oh that's great Mrs Spade don't tell her
00:38:09
about the okay no he's not playing Providence row Island Harford no no I just said he's not playing
00:38:16
Harford um I don't know if he has tickets for his special recording any extra tickets special recording I'm
00:38:23
sorry Mrs spab I I've got to go uh say hello to David thank you you don't even
00:38:30
I told you to hang up five minutes but how is it weird that I get a call from your mom right when we're doing this I
00:38:35
mean what are the odds of that is that weird is it besides weird is it wild is
00:38:42
it weird wild wacky weird wild stuff oh I had a Johnny Carson joke about Trump's
00:38:47
assassination attempt Trump uh apparently Trump has been in more crosshairs than a moose on
00:38:54
cool the herd day on what day Cole Cole CU L I swallowed
00:39:02
it everyone in Montana Cole the yeah more CR call I haven't heard that term call The Herd it's it's eliminate
00:39:10
whatever next slide I like it I mean a ruin it I didn't know he call oh no I didn't it doesn't matter I swallow my
00:39:17
Carson next whatever story that's pointless let's go
00:39:23
[Music]
00:39:30
oh okay this is an interesting story this is out of People magazine private man private claims wife threw him a
00:39:37
party for beating cancer but he pretended he had a work and left what happens is I read this
00:39:45
story he says he had cancer he said don't tell anyone I don't want anyone to
00:39:51
know she made it public on her Facebook group she goes hey everybody he's got and so now he's getting pouring of
00:39:57
sympathy and what happened and tell us all about it he didn't want that so then he got it went into remission is
00:40:04
that the term where went away yeah mhm and she had a surprise party for him for that too and he saw everybody he turned
00:40:11
and goes hey guys great seeing you I got to work and he left and she got mad at him again she already knew he was mad
00:40:19
about the first thing did you ever see Coan Luke with Paul Newman this is struther Martin what
00:40:26
we have is a faure he's close to John Kennedy or
00:40:33
whatever that yeah it's they're both from this Louisiana area sorry but this is something like I'm on the guy's side
00:40:40
I think the wife was just toned deaf and a little Clueless yeah and um you know
00:40:46
this should be like am I the [ __ ] situation because I have de side with the guy twice her her maybe you could
00:40:53
say her heart was in the right place but it was definitely toned deaf she's trying to make it not about her but you
00:40:59
know what I mean I think she means well yeah you're right I got it all right keep
00:41:04
going we got a ha on our little private chat thing Heather did you say ha thanks
00:41:11
Heather oh I didn't see Greg Greg says I gotta delete my search history it's on camera it's on the screen she goes don't
00:41:18
worry about what me and Greg talk about I go well it's coming up on her screen we have to read it well it's because Greg obviously is big on only fans
00:41:25
kidding if you're mom's listening he's like oh my God the the top 10 male only
00:41:31
fans um I could just tell you or I'll have to I'll fake look it up and put that up there but I can just tell you
00:41:37
yeah I I didn't know how I got it up there okay okay this scared the [ __ ] [ __ ] out of me swarms of mosquitoes take
00:41:44
over Mexican flight okay so click the play this is a woman on a flight look in
00:41:50
the corner Heather oh look at how many mosquitoes she couldn't give a fat [ __ ]
00:41:55
either look at her wow I'd be going Land look at the flight attendant
00:42:00
casually going like hey that was a vent and a flying aircraft yeah she wasn't on
00:42:06
the ground W up wow uh note to self do not fly uh Jakarta Airlines anytime soon
00:42:13
do not fly with Bill Gates doesn't Bill Gates love mosquitoes Bill Gates uh I think he put
00:42:20
a lot of money into Africa for mosquito Nets they need they need they need mosit
00:42:26
mosqu Greg will you pull up to see if he has ever released mosquitoes I think he tries to modify them to help sting other
00:42:35
mosquitoes so they don't give you malaria that's a question are mosquitoes
00:42:40
necessary for the ecosystem in the world I'm assuming so but I don't but I just
00:42:46
don't know if I like regular people that are just Rich going I think I'm going to tackle this mosquito problem on my own
00:42:52
I'm sorry America you might get bit by some of my experimental mosquitoes we're going to release a lot
00:42:59
of mosquitoes okay here we are this mhm they are are necessary for the
00:43:06
ecosystem they play a vital role as a food source for many animals so they're just food they you know really looks at
00:43:12
a mosquito and goes Birds fish and dragon flies universally hated what
00:43:18
about Heather what did you say about Bill
00:43:25
Gates World mosquito Pro program vague I don't love it MH
00:43:31
mhm transmitting disease is oh is their Biggie oh he's he's developing something
00:43:37
to transmit diseases oh he's look
00:43:43
yeah I know but does he actually release mosquitoes he can he can work on a vaccine all he wants but I don't like
00:43:50
just because I saw him speaking once and then he let out all these mosquitoes
00:43:57
and he goes see only poor people shouldn't have to deal with mosquitoes we can too and he let them out into the
00:44:04
auditorium everyone was like this this is the worst [ __ ] God I don't know why speech I've ever been to yeah why is
00:44:12
yeah do mosquito on your own time I would just say that I don't know tell us in the YouTube
00:44:17
comments I at least don't act like I know everything I'm like tell me well I think it's kind of weird you're a
00:44:22
mosquito everyone's afraid of you and then a dragonfly that's only like a billionth of an ounce bigger than you each
00:44:28
that's I know mosquitoes act so tough they like I get them they're like a big fat water bottle like I couldn't get any
00:44:34
more [ __ ] oh this is kind of cutesy how to get your wife to stop fussing I
00:44:41
know you've seen it Heather stop fussing who about the P he sends my brother
00:44:48
watches the podcast and he sends me a million and I go they're always a little
00:44:53
rough because it's my brother Brian they're always little this this is a this is a okay this is a a good funny
00:44:58
trick if your wife goes why do you pee all over this guy's very Jo dirt my husband's always complaining saying I
00:45:05
[ __ ] about him peeing on the seat so I told him I could do it perfectly fine if
00:45:10
I was a man so he's bringing me outside to prove a PO can you pee prove
00:45:16
ours okay she's she's gonna pee see how easy it is shorten it up shorten it shorten that
00:45:24
thing up the you're so shorten that thing up she thinks it's too easy get to
00:45:31
be a regular guy with a 1.5 here we go okay so middle of the night you got to go pee oh missed you missed a bit hey
00:45:40
what are you come on get it in there get come on it's so easy you got it get it in the bucket now the bucket
00:45:48
this ain't even right get it in the bucket come on what's wrong you're so good at it come on yeah yeah I tell you
00:45:54
sometimes it comes out dual Street yeah what are you going to do about that shoo left right you're going to hit the bricks on the left that guy's a wizard
00:46:01
with the hose yeah I like thatting different streams different angles all
00:46:06
right bits going too long got I got control over cutting that all it's getting out of hand get in there you got
00:46:12
I think this bit sort of overstates welcome but I like the idea and it was kind of clever he's doing that thing it
00:46:18
reminds of you're a kid you can break it it stops the water and every goes right he was showing her what it's like to be
00:46:24
a man you know I think I think it's interesting because I looked this up as well they're both Harvard
00:46:30
graduates really those two yeahh theovon and his
00:46:36
sister uh theovon and Britney Spears wasn't it that was a woman in a brown
00:46:42
wig that's a good sitcom I'd watch oh yeah okay next one I feel like I feel
00:46:47
like I feel like oh this we got so much action and comments on the thing we
00:46:54
remember when well let's just show this first okay
00:47:01
play this is a girl getting kidnapped father in a van Jen look turn
00:47:08
around turn around turn around how could you dare go into a
00:47:14
strangest car so this hot guy picked her up what are you and they acted like they were going to kidnap her just explain
00:47:20
give me your phone right now give me your phone so is this too harsh what would have happened
00:47:27
if you came out and it wasn't us sitting back here and there were really crazy people back here we never would have saw
00:47:33
you again so they have because sometimes I hear around La there's a trick where good-looking guys flirt with girls and
00:47:40
you they try to oh can you give me a ride over here something whatever they're trying to kidnap them and it's a
00:47:45
good trick because it doesn't look like a typical kidnapper so this guy flirts
00:47:51
with the girl says hey can you get in and she does then they act like they're going to kill her and she freaks out
00:47:57
they like it's just Mom and Pop so the idea was that just he he got her phone
00:48:04
or her Instagram or something and convince her I'll be outside near this block and get in the van or he just saw
00:48:11
her at like Target and said hey why don't you come with me you're cute and then she gets in she looks younger than
00:48:18
him I think she was 13 in um so she gets in a stranger's car is it too much Dana
00:48:24
and you you better have the right answer there's no I I I I would say this I
00:48:29
don't have enough information to have a strong opinion
00:48:35
just be wrong I would say just intuitive I'll tell you a story about myself so I used to have to walk five miles to the
00:48:41
orthodontist cuz my parents are both working but they got me these cheap braces so it was raining and this guy
00:48:48
pulled over pouring rain I'll give you a ride I'll give you a ride just in this creepy Oldsmobile and my intuitive thing
00:48:55
was blink was no so um I do other people do
00:49:03
this I had a GU set the daughter up so she experiences it and then scare the [ __ ] out of her that's it's it's it
00:49:09
seems like a little much to me but I wouldn't do it but you know if it's effective I couldn't watch my daughter
00:49:15
be that scared well that's the thing the off label thing is like for a minute you're
00:49:22
off label meaning not the primary thing we're looking at but for the rest of her life she will remember that fear she'll
00:49:29
have PTSD because for a moment she thought she was in Mortal danger you
00:49:35
know so it's an off label you know it's it's a asymmetrical idea to the thesis
00:49:44
which is something to do with her period yeah um okay so U I know some people
00:49:50
that threw their daughter into a swamp because and had alligators come near her
00:49:55
because they didn't want her to jump in the swamp yeah that's the alligators were just actors and comedians I think
00:50:01
on it they were they were inside rubber suits comedians I think Kyle dunigan was
00:50:07
in one of the rubber suits looking like an alligator Theo vaugh was in a rubber suit looking like an alligator and they
00:50:12
scared the girl Glazer Nikki Glazer was there looking at and then Theo Von took it off goes I'm I'm not an alligator I'm
00:50:21
not a alligator Dana I was walking to school one day when I was 8 years old
00:50:27
old car pulled up same and he said hey it's raining do you want a hand job and
00:50:33
I said sure if you can give me a ride to school after and he said I can't do that and I was like well you blew
00:50:40
it I need a ride it was good I like the way you you set it up really straight but I thought where is this going oh
00:50:46
hold on a second I said it was your exact setup oh God I borrowed SP oh you can listen to us live he was totally
00:50:54
kidding about that love you okay byebye list to this and she goes I love you and Dana she loves you she's like it's fun
00:51:01
everything's fun for her oh it's fun I go mom I flew into town she goes oh fun
00:51:07
I love your mother I rented a car and she goes fun I go it's all like fun everything's fun I love that about her I
00:51:15
was in AZ this week because I had to go to that corporate and then um I carved
00:51:21
out some time to see my mom and take her to luncheon were you she's always in a good mood where do you stay when you go
00:51:27
to AZ do you stay at the Phoenix fourstar when you do a corporate date
00:51:33
Phan because that's where the gig was that is a pretty beautiful hotel and
00:51:38
they gave me the presidential elect uh
00:51:43
room which is no it was the former presidential suite and you get shot at
00:51:48
all night one time when I I'm I I remember one time not bad I it was good
00:51:55
I liked it I start thinking of a story like that I was I had a potential thing with NBC I was a San Francisco standup
00:52:03
and they wanted to Flying me down and they put me at Universal City so my brother was hanging out I go you want to
00:52:09
go with me so we flew down to Burbank airport we check into something in
00:52:14
Universal City and they gave us the presidential suite and I never we ran laps we were Runners there we literally
00:52:20
threw off our shoes and started running laps fun it was actually too big so I couldn't figure out the lights I
00:52:26
couldn't figure out you know every night I'm in a new hotel on this on the road and so lights are like or you or they do
00:52:32
this or my phone didn't charge I've been chasing my charge all day because it
00:52:37
went down to like 20 because my phone even if you plug it in it doesn't charge
00:52:44
because I didn't click the light on which doesn't turn the lights on it does nothing so you're fooled but it puts all
00:52:52
the energy in that room so all the lights do work have you heard of that Heather so there's two switches one's
00:53:00
that and one's the real light and then I the one didn't do anything but you have to have that on so the phone chargers
00:53:06
work and the lights actually so there's a current so weird anyway more learning I'm trying to follow that maybe we
00:53:12
should ask the fans what yeah ask the fans what the [ __ ] I'm talking about but I wake up my phone's like this water I'm
00:53:19
like oh my God you were charging all night no I wasn't so it's down 21 question if you check in and there's a
00:53:26
marble tabletop and you go there's no way my Shin's going to get full stride acquainted with that marble T so I'm not
00:53:32
going to worry about it cuz I'll get up tonight to pee and I'll just go around it and then bang oh crack we both got
00:53:39
hurt remember I was playing we're both playing places separate and we both uh had to limp on stage from crashing into
00:53:44
things at night yeah because it's it's too complicated but that place was too big um anyway that's all that's boring
00:53:53
but we'll do one more story let's do One More Story Dan because we're going our this is our final story I'm holding that
00:53:59
pick a winner Pi our final story it's called a woman a blue a blue floor and a
00:54:04
tabletop oh so there's Dolphins I just thought this was kind of artsy Heather were like this this is kind of Dophin
00:54:12
I the dolphin just pushed the guy out see that she's very dancery that's on the
00:54:22
snout that's hard to do now people hate this because I the dolphin does like it the Dolphin
00:54:28
did say they liked it but most people go we hate this the dolphin better get a
00:54:34
fish after this or I'm going to have what's wrong Heather okay yeah dolphins are in
00:54:40
captivity I have a whole bit about this but if you take out the fact that the Dolphins are hating every second of it
00:54:47
it's not bad it shows you how strong going did she do that she does something else I think he flips her look at that
00:54:54
[ __ ] throws like he but that's she's pretty good too no no that's that's
00:55:00
that's amazing and then he just pops her out look hey there you go see dolphins
00:55:05
are nice like if you do the exact same thing with a killer whale it it's could be hazardous it's scary by the way the
00:55:12
Dolphins get paid the exact same as a trainer but you know worried about that well they change pretty quickly because
00:55:18
you know you go to where they have a killer whale and they're out there and these beautiful majestic creatures are
00:55:24
so important and their beautiful brilliant people and the killer whale comes out drags them under the water and
00:55:29
then the person comes up kill the [ __ ] fish kill the [ __ ] fish where's the whale kill the [ __ ] fish yeah kill
00:55:36
the [ __ ] fish one 30 seconds later from these Majestic I think the whale goes I think in about two weeks I'm
00:55:43
going to fight back not right now two weeks maybe right before do they still
00:55:48
allow that because it seems there's not as much as there was is there SeaWorld still I don't know Marine World SeaWorld
00:55:57
they say it's changes but they're still open usually and they go we give the whales a f minute break every hour now
00:56:03
but the whales know that their name is Shamu and every single killer whale is named Shamu and you know that really
00:56:10
teas them off I mean come on guys all be sh and they know they're the star and they get paid in like minnow
00:56:18
it's all not fair everything about it not fair I know it's just something very terribly wrong um all right Dane I'm
00:56:24
gonna let you go so um good luck on your tour what's your first
00:56:30
date well tonight Friday tonight no tonight you're at and pro
00:56:37
noart Hartford where I I'm looking outside all right I'm in Hartford uh so Hartford tickets are running fast so I
00:56:44
jump on them now afternoon for tonight yeah well it's been fun because I'm
00:56:50
getting my special so this is basically just for all intents and purposes the same jokes I'll do I got to
00:56:56
get them like polished well you don't want to be thinking when that you got the cameras in your face you want to go what's that
00:57:03
next joke again God Boise was so fun there was such a great crowd so you know if it goes like that I should just the
00:57:09
ones you don't even think about just go on the road that I'm like that one I should have filmed that was great the
00:57:15
problem is yeah that then then when the cameras are on you go well this is pretty good but it's not in the top 10
00:57:21
of the last few months well the one you actually shoot always sucks it never can be you want to be at a good level for
00:57:27
yourself that even just an average show kills the jokes are there but you know
00:57:32
you never know I think you'll kill I think you'll destroy on this one no pressure it should be fun so far it's
00:57:38
work it's working okay I do like the jokes and all the stuff so we'll see I'll I'll promote it more later when I
00:57:43
find out when it comes out and stuff all right Dan thank you for uh hanging out we'll talk soon I'm going to call your
00:57:49
mom just quickly and give her a recap but she no just tell her I yeah tell her your thanks buddy all right peace
00:57:57
out this has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly is executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade Jenna
00:58:05
Weiss Burman of Odyssey Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman hope you liked it
00:58:12
[Music]
