00:00:00
what are you talking about Dan it I'm talking about doing gu at 70 oh to do gu again at 70 [ __ ] why not
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[ __ ] that's that's our first line of the podcast at 70 bit no I I'm I'm very
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young don't worry fans I want to thank our fans first of
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all for uh Dr step Greer holy tomatoes
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Jesus Stephen Greer Christ how many YouTubes at this point 2.6 million I'm
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gonna say more that's a lot where I came from where I come from from you come from scottd yeah Jes Jesus Christ they
00:00:46
had more clicks than an eight-year-old discovering Google okay not too bad in a
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pinch more clicks than Michael flatley's heels during Lord of the Dance
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more clicks than one of those Irish dance lines will they have to be iced down after P up twice my [ __ ] ankles
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and Ice more clicks than Adam Sandler doing a sequel to clicks more clicks
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than when you search click during the movie Click in the [Laughter]
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script clicks aoy yeah so that worked out 20,000 comments about the uh Steven
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green and the UFO the comments I know you do and so what was the how did they think my hair looked in that episode 20
00:01:37
uh 19,000 were about the hair yeah and some were about Steven Greer now people
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are a little nervous a little afraid a little trepidacious uh I think all this stuff
00:01:49
there's something to it because as we'll show when we get into stories there's a map uh we have to show where the UFOs
00:01:57
and drone drones is another word for weather balloons from the 50s when they say saw UFO it turns out to be a weather
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balloon you're like I don't know so there's some drones I was at the airport I ended up next to a guy and he went on
00:02:10
and on and on about these UFOs and I said would you stop droning on yeah not
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bad in the pinch that's too for me I'm up two zero with my clicks and my the
00:02:23
top of your head it's got to be empty at this point I got no notes you got a whole list of jokes right in front of
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you no I don't I know you don't I made that up no I do I uh I I have to say
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that the it was very intriguing what he said it was you know he goes we there's little 10-minute chunks of answers with
00:02:41
him but he's got a lot of information in his head so I think people sift through like we do I understand that that makes
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sense to me Northrup grubman these places a lot of these places have tons of money no one's looking over here
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they're building so are these drones partially ours are they bad guys we've
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seen this one a lot in I think it was in interstellar you know point A to point B
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but if you fold the folded paper what do you get I was a little bit like by the way it doesn't it doesn't make exact
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sense to me like I get the idea of it but see it's full time like I don't know so you fold the universe like a napkin
00:03:20
what are you talking about I mean is the universe fold I didn't never tried it but yeah I mean it's like a folding
00:03:25
chair at a big neck you know no you just grab it fold it that's won't see 12
00:03:31
unfolded it will but I say we're here no one knows how or why there's stars out there they
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seem like they're beckoning us so I don't know I go at it with a aisal but
00:03:43
not cynical open mind David I do agree that there's something uh Beck I think
00:03:49
my my strong opinion is something weird is going on it's my strong strong side I
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take well look here here's the way I think of this okay science agrees if
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science is a thing that Earth at one point was just an inert rock it was just
00:04:06
a rock there were micros there's no water that came from comets thousands of comets came and spilled water but
00:04:13
basically you have a rock so if you want to understand the theory of evolution you put a rock on your kitchen table you
00:04:20
come back four billion years later Richard Nixon is sitting there that's
00:04:25
Evolution that's it oh my God that's no one's said it so conc precisely a rock
00:04:30
turned into Beyonce turned into Richard Dixon turned into Elon Musk a solid
00:04:37
rock they said because we're so microscopic that they said that you know they found they found water in the
00:04:44
Galaxy a trillion times more a chunk of water trilon times more than we have in our oceans I'm like okay guys either
00:04:50
we're throwing the word trillion around too much but no one can check that no one knows two scientists maybe I think trillion is probably an understatement
00:04:58
any any any anti any celestial object that has hydrogen and oxygen could make
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water that's why we want to get a hotel on the moon and a space things so we can go up there get the water from the
00:05:10
hydrogen and oxygen and get our ass to Mars I'm but when you go there the first time you got to bring that shitty boxes
00:05:17
of Kirkland water from Costco just to make sure you have some water up there before you find the wells and everything
00:05:22
yeah you have to bring a lot of lot of cantens this is a bid I used to do which is become I want people our audience to
00:05:29
know that they can use it when trying to get advice from Friends okay so I I did a bit about a spaceship in space uh
00:05:35
Houston uh this is uh this is Apollo whatever uh there is a giant spider a
00:05:41
giant spider in front of our spacecraft do advise please uh haalo whatever this
00:05:47
is Houston Our advice is to get away from the monster I repeat get away from
00:05:53
the monster so that's become a running thing when with my brother and I when there's relationship issues or whatever
00:06:00
is going on in any way in your life just just remember this get away from the
00:06:06
monster it's that life is that simple I think we finished our podcast right I don't need Mission Control to tell me
00:06:12
that I know that mission control and Apollo whatever yeah I like that bit is a little undercooked it's like the place
00:06:19
where they make the calls then the space thing I just trying to get to the advice
00:06:24
is get away should I stay with this this guy or this girl and then you hear about
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uh my advice is to get away from the monster I've run from some monsters I will tell you there's a lot of crazy
00:06:35
weather I don't know if this killer fog is real the poison fog I do know that weather porn on TV is something they do
00:06:42
like to scare you and it works where they it used to just be really cold back East now it's a polar vortex you know
00:06:50
let's not throw around the word vortex so easily have lots of rain now we have atmospheric Rivers mofo what the [ __ ]
00:06:58
yeah I don't need any monsoon moisture I don't need a river 8,000 ft above my
00:07:03
head oh atmospheric River there's a stormageddon
00:07:09
stormageddon yeah you can add mageddon and you can have burrito mageddon and it's like a little scarier than just
00:07:15
eating a burrito yes what oh that's right AR Armageddon who stared that besides Bruce Willis who who said who
00:07:22
said the asteroids the size of Texas Billy Bob yep Billy Bob oh yeah what AM
00:07:28
our ow step on my dick or suck my dick but you got to do one or the other I'm really
00:07:34
enjoying land land man with Billy Bob thoron and John Ham
00:07:40
are both great in was he on it and others Ali Carter yeah but Billy Bob in in the zone
00:07:49
reacting to all these craziness you know and he so much fun to watch as an actor
00:07:55
yeah I've heard uh lman is the one to watch my buddy he always gives me the updates I'm not saying it's Shakespeare
00:08:01
but it's really entertaining okay so here's another thing I'm driving up my house today my little crooked street to
00:08:09
my dumpy mansion and there's a woman that since I've moved here three
00:08:15
years ago you know the HOA are always so tough I guess this isn't an HOA so she's
00:08:20
just gone Rogue but she puts cones across her whole front yard and her driveway across the whole thing one
00:08:27
house okay and there's somewhere green you know what I said Heather green they're not even matching and then
00:08:33
police tape sure it's not Christmas ornaments for say that's not okay go ahead you're like the cops interviewing
00:08:41
me no I know what ornaments are Dana I don't it's not the cops are interviewing you about the cones yeah and I'm like no
00:08:47
they go you sure it wasn't like candles I'm like no they're orange cones and
00:08:52
then police tape like it's a crime scene and I want to say to her Hey get all this [ __ ] off here like our H the whole
00:08:58
street looks like a dump you know because right right all it takes is one and she said
00:09:05
oh what happened was cuz she's a little older and a little crazier she goes oh some people were parking in my driveway
00:09:13
or in your driveway she goes they were blocking it and I go and when was this she's like 1987 I go well I think the
00:09:21
the tide has gone out and we're okay for a while so why don't we just not make our whole neighborhood look like dog
00:09:28
[ __ ] and you and then you you got out of your bathroom stopped looking in the
00:09:33
mirror and practicing what you were going to say just did a Meek wave right let's I practice even when I pull up and
00:09:39
I don't want to do it when I'm going up the hill because it kills my neck so I want to do it when I'm going down and then I'll I'll do the window like this I
00:09:46
just stared her through the window and then I got my fingers ready and I go it goes down then I go hey [ __ ] she
00:09:54
she's like 90 she's like me and I'm like yeah who else is here and then uh I Contin that speech that I've practiced
00:10:00
all right here's what we do we park in front of her house yeah we we get heather comes out like it's A&W Root
00:10:07
Beer in the 1960s puts a tray on our window and we order hamburgers and milkshakes and we eat them as we're
00:10:14
staring at our Port either that if you can't move because I know you've got
00:10:19
multiple abodes then you got to get away from the monster that is my advice oh
00:10:25
that's true yeah you know you I don't want to for sure move in with you but it's on the table okay other than that
00:10:33
rooms okay that's my that's the most SC scariest thing I've heard a long time can I move into one of your
00:10:41
pantries we put you in there with your protein bars and your your
00:10:48
Gatorade uh so I had a good Christmas and I then it was New Year's I did I went to The Comedy Store that was fun
00:10:54
did a couple sets saw Tim Dylan we had one show where was me Tim Dylan Nikki
00:11:00
Glazer and Bobby Lee Annie Letterman it was really fun so that was fun because
00:11:05
New Year's Eve I didn't have any plan so I we've been working on who can follow Glazer at this point it's the year of
00:11:10
Nikki well it's hard to follow because she's also working on her Golden Glove set so she's like she's working on her
00:11:16
monologue so she goes up and says everyone this will be fun you can be a part of the audience picture of the golden gloves and then it's a little
00:11:23
different because it's not your regular set you have to pretend you pretend where am I what's going hey hey welcome
00:11:29
to Gold Gloves hey look at Bradley Cooper you [ __ ] and then everyone's like where is he here no no we're pretending we're okay you know what so
00:11:38
well I just gonna insert this because they YouTube for some reason feeds me Ricky JY at the Golden Globes yeah and
00:11:45
no one could really follow Ricky JY but now Nikki they Nikki is Gonna Save the
00:11:52
show and I will negotiate her second hosting deal for her I will tell I they're going to start calling her Nikki
00:11:58
Jes because she can stay likable and [ __ ] on people because she has this intrinsic likeability yeah so well
00:12:06
they're expect I mean I think it's the closest to her doing the roast you know a captive audience they know it's coming
00:12:14
I think the emys for her wouldn't have been as good of an idea I think they talked about her hosting that the Emmys are a little more fluffy and boring and
00:12:21
this this at least everyone's close you got a lot of more movie stars and you can directly you're right there let's
00:12:27
let's play a little game for a second okay just you're you're the host you see Bradley Cooper you want to do a friendly
00:12:35
jab hi hey I'll do one I'll do one if you don't want I'll go first go ahead
00:12:42
Bradley Cooper oh yeah the Maestro we remember that didn't do that well guess
00:12:48
it wasn't conu conducted properly sorry okay that's all I got sorry that was an
00:12:54
adlift folks hey Bradley uh I was going to see the Maestro but I was sick that day
00:13:00
I was sick that year it kind of came and went okay let's see who else will be there hey um Jennifer Lopez how are
00:13:10
you I hear you're dating Matt Damon that's not to get back at Ben is
00:13:17
it look at our fictitious crowd work is bombing I know that's why we do it here
00:13:22
on the podcast when it's only us and our 275,000 sub the best crowd work is when
00:13:29
you do the front row and like we've talked about and no one can see in the back so you go look at this musclean up
00:13:35
front he's like this oh I'm going to pick up the table and then everyone laughs and then you look at me some Meek Little Nerd I know you just invent
00:13:41
characters up front engineer your jokes look at this dwarf what's he doing up
00:13:46
here look at Four Eyes this [ __ ] uh other than that she I did see the set she's doing for the Golden
00:13:53
Gloves very good she'll be great it's going to be great I'm excited to see that will Tom Brady be at the Golden
00:13:59
Globe now what if they just put him there so he can get [ __ ] on she should plant him in there it be funny it would be funny for him to have she should tell
00:14:06
the Golden Globes act like you're the Tom Brady audience I'm gonna do Tom Brady
00:14:11
jokes all right let's get to our hot stories yeah I have a St we have no
00:14:17
guess you have a story I'm sorry we didn't I have observation yeah that in Hollywood and I know there's people
00:14:23
working this week um but in Hollywood you know you do the Christmas you do the
00:14:29
New Year's and now there's these days that we're podcasting and these are lost
00:14:34
days these days you can't really start a project or Ender project you never know what day is it is it is it Friday is it
00:14:41
Sunday what yeah that's true I'm completely disoriented it just makes me really sad yeah I know that the agents
00:14:50
who don't like to work anyway they they are usually first of all if Christmas is
00:14:56
on the 25th usually they take off on the ninth and then not kidny it used to be
00:15:03
like the 15th of December shutdown now it's creeping up the day after Thanksgiving it's slim pick I mean
00:15:09
literally people go we were pitching something and they go and it was like the 1 of November and they go well we'll
00:15:15
we'll try to get some dates in January I go to pitch it and I go well it's November 1st it's just Halloween they go
00:15:21
well I got Thanksgiving and then no one really does anything till the new year I so the soone supposed to come back on
00:15:27
the 6th so I checked with some when they go yeah we're going to sort of trickle back sixth seventh eth they're in vill
00:15:33
trickle back what what it's New Year's Eve I can't remember it and guys they're in Hawaii or the Caribbean in a villa
00:15:39
it's not a high-rise hotel room it's a villa with servants in a private boat and a private yacht I mean they work
00:15:46
hard they you know so they take a couple months around the middle of the year they take all year it's really and you
00:15:53
go oh don't you have to bring your Dumbo kids back to school or anything I mean anything you have to do they have someone else doing I'm sorry to break it
00:16:00
to you DAV it's called a nanny all right they have the jet and the little baby private jet takes the kids yeah Junior
00:16:08
wants a banana split crack to it make it servant yeah Junior all right
00:16:17
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Crossing Casino and Hotel okay okay this is oh this is this
00:18:17
is California's oh I think I'm annoyed that California we live in California folks
00:18:23
they keep asking for money for homeless fine that that I used to vote for that and when I go vote but now the last 24
00:18:29
billion that's gone unaccounted for they can't figure out what they spent on fine
00:18:35
I mean that's 20 that's 18 zeros babe can we keep some tabs on it wait a
00:18:40
minute taxpayers pay money govern has 24 billion what are you gonna do with it
00:18:46
we're going to get it to all these different homeless initiative agencies and we're going to take care of the
00:18:51
homelesses four years later hey there's twice as many homeless where'd the money go uh we're not really sure right now
00:18:59
but we'll get back to you the grossest part is then they go by the way we're raising money for homeless they're
00:19:04
taxing you again I'm like I'm all for paying taxes I love it but if I can't
00:19:10
see anything from it like just show me a road in front of my house it's a little smoother take down the cones in the
00:19:16
police St then I'll go something in my life is better but you want more for home and then people are coming in that
00:19:21
are homeless now it's like the homelessness increased so if
00:19:29
it's not that it's not it's not the same it's 24 billion and it's going up I'm
00:19:34
going to call it weird and it feels like a business that something's going on
00:19:40
where obviously we don't know about because people forget it used to be millions of dollars that everything it
00:19:45
was just in the last five seven years that you started giving away a billion and now it's like chump change it's 100
00:19:52
billion 200 billion and guess what this is the way the government works if they fund a program 24 billion and if you
00:19:59
said we solved homeless but we only spent 15 billion that's considered a
00:20:05
failure you got to spend the budget so you get the same amount the following year right because covid money was left
00:20:12
over and they wouldn't spend it on home anyway I I'm not going to fix this Biden's passing out Co checks today
00:20:18
because we had a left left over $250 billion a lot of people didn't claim the che anyway hey come on remember there
00:20:26
was an earthquake he's like no the hurricane remember to get your Co shot that's the first thing we have to do on
00:20:31
the way to fix the hurricane yeah shot it says right here I do
00:20:36
everything I over what you say he's getting worse I saw him today talking about there's tragedy of course the new
00:20:42
year brings immediate tragedy and he's like this hey man this is a bit of a [ __ ] up but uh you know it's all going
00:20:49
to [ __ ] smooth out in the big picture he's definitely can't he doesn't even
00:20:54
know what's going remember I did him really strong and people got all flipped out hey there's no crisis border what
00:21:01
are you making fun of that guy behind the scenes he's running laps around us hey Jack hey get your facts straight I
00:21:07
love when he I love when he's tough okay what's the next one what's the next
00:21:14
one Kroger just rolled out surge pricing using facial recognition oh okay play
00:21:20
what this guy says okay just rolled out surge pricing using facial recognition
00:21:26
technology this means that Kroger has a ability to change the prices of their
00:21:31
products depending on the image of the person buying them not to mention that most corporations already own a lot of
00:21:37
our data this means that depending on the image of the person buying the product they could access our
00:21:43
information and dictate that price can also use our image to determine how often we buy certain products and
00:21:50
increase the price of that product could lead to discriminatory practices using AI as scapegoat Char people of different
00:21:58
races turn it down they used to do it if you wor a roll or pulled up in a Bentley
00:22:03
but that guy all I say about that guy perfectly nice guy but he could really
00:22:08
really play an AI robot in a movie without any he was very is that AI he looked very digital me to me what Kroger
00:22:16
is doing is studying you and raising their prices now where do they study you like you lean over for a head of lettuce
00:22:22
and there's a camera in the lettuce or something what do or they do it when you check
00:22:27
out what they do D they see me and they go he it goes he orders lots of cumquats
00:22:34
raise the price on them because I need them like whatever I need they they inch up the price I guess well if they go to
00:22:42
your your lovely home and you say we're going to trim your hedge then they look
00:22:47
around they see a few things look at a couple things they go that'll be one million dollar oh yeah and then you go
00:22:55
in the mirror and tell them off you come out you say okay guys I told you I got in a car
00:23:01
wreck I was on Sunset I tell you this already and then I just tapped a guy in front of me it was more like for fun it
00:23:07
was just funny aot little and then uh yeah he got out and he goes are you
00:23:13
David Spade I go yeah and he goes oh so
00:23:18
he literally was like I was like well listen cuz he was pretty cool about it he goes I'm all right and we look and
00:23:25
and he goes my car is all right I go yeah and then I'm like well should we get take pictures or something he was
00:23:32
yeah I'm like selfie I just wanted to like get a selfie and get out of there but uh he goes no maybe of the car so we
00:23:39
did that and then could you see any damage yourself no I no to mine was a
00:23:45
little on the license plate but to his nothing and then uh and then I'm like
00:23:51
listen let's get out of here I mean I guess we'll never know whose fault it is who's to say yeah he's like well you
00:23:57
were behind me so I guess it's yours I'm like sure and then anyway so don't hear
00:24:03
from the guy for two weeks of Christmas and then he's uh Insurance contacted us
00:24:09
and a lawyer really oh because he's feeling a
00:24:15
little sore no because he goes his first question is are you David Spade so he tells someone that and they're like oh
00:24:20
well obviously you're going to sue him even though you're fine he's like oh I mean I
00:24:26
guess I don't love it so is there a lawsuit or what I mean there a lawyer
00:24:31
involved now I don't know what's going on exactly precisely but I don't like that I I feel like it's Kroger price
00:24:38
gouging with me with the same you know it's just they're just doing it more sophisticated people would gouge all the
00:24:44
time and and you know I knew someone who literally kept a neck brace in their closet and if they ever got a fender b
00:24:51
or thought anything or even kind of walked on an escalator improperly or something they just lawyer up and
00:24:57
they've made a lot a lot of money because people just want it to go away they wouldn't say give me a million but they go 50 Grand I'm gone yeah pay them
00:25:06
that person was John litz oh no we gotta cut that out no he's
00:25:12
coming back on he's our favorite guest the funniest and favorite okay next
00:25:18
story what's on the hot off the presses from three weeks ago oh this is funny this is one of the
00:25:25
football games okay you know they all run out at the start this is like from a movie oh yeah yeah here we
00:25:36
go what is this the poison fog in Florida Jesus look at they wipe out and
00:25:43
pile on each other they all wipe out because there's too much Mist to make them look like they're goddesses Gods
00:25:49
coming from the Viking Mist the freaking smoke gu guy was like this ish is is
00:25:55
I'll get a raise he should have done a they weren't all rehearsal I'll tell you
00:26:01
that uh the college sports you could never exag I played I played n nland
00:26:07
well actually played near New Island and the guy gave us the tour of
00:26:12
the of the campus it was all stadiums baseball football 100,000 that's 150,000
00:26:20
people fit in that Stadium that's bigger than any an and we've sold that 48 years in a row I mean it's kind of like it's a
00:26:27
game people that's high school too out there in Texas and Friday Night Lights
00:26:32
great show you know this reminds me of one time when I was in SNL I went to a
00:26:39
strip club with Timmy Meadows sounds like a hor Meadows we
00:26:45
just Meadows I like how I dragged Tim into the story but we went I made him go with me I go let's go and there was a uh
00:26:52
uh girl named Terry I can't say her anyway she was we saw her we knew she was in Playboy but she had jumped made
00:26:58
the the leap into porn it's not a huge it is a big leap it's just from you know
00:27:03
naked to porn which is you know especially back then that's that's all done now only fools that it's all sex
00:27:10
workers are great f is everything now she had to go out there like you know
00:27:15
listen porn now is just on your phone and the girls like I'll stay in my house I wouldn't know so so Dennis Miller and
00:27:22
I were trying to write a sketch about uh like a porn star husband cuz
00:27:28
she had a little show she did because you know she did like two shows a night so she comes out and the guy's like he's
00:27:35
got like a little board he's like this little smoke machine little puff of smoke comes out she comes
00:27:42
out and then he's like this he's got like light board like this it's this big
00:27:47
he's like lights down and up and then then it's like it's the cheapest
00:27:54
he's got a long ponytail he's like babe and then afterwards you get a p with her for 20 bucks and he was like I'll handle
00:28:01
the money I don't like the music choice to me the classic is
00:28:15
like yeah I mean that that's classic so the idea is going yeah no he's trying to
00:28:22
add music he's trying to like be the manager and the husband and the stage Direction and the lighting it was just
00:28:28
all like so low uh and that was I give them credit
00:28:33
for trying but only fans is is the sh it I read about him in business business
00:28:39
sites about you know Global business it's up to seven billion a year generated on on only fans so and anyone
00:28:48
can go on there by the way they want comedians on there I Branch it out but want all
00:28:54
Whitney Cummings is on there yeah there was a woman she made about a million a
00:28:59
year and she's never naked or having sex or anything she might be in her panties or I don't know but it's not it's soft
00:29:07
and then she talks to lonely fellas too yeah you know so it's she's pretty
00:29:13
cool her uh yeah will I do it I'll say maybe you'll see I'll do
00:29:20
it huh Whitney's on a different there's only fans and only fans TV well she's on
00:29:26
yeah Whitney's only fans is like for com give Whitney time she would laugh at
00:29:31
that Whitney did a good job at CNN roast did you see that I heard about funny
00:29:36
jokes uh also if I do only fans I'll just do
00:29:42
Carnival Food and I'll go click on this and you'll see my corn dog and then they click for $28 and then
00:29:49
they go it's a real corn dog I go that's what I said sakes then you turn around they see your Cinnabons all right how
00:29:56
far is this metaphor going about the sexual proclivity of a man who substituting Danish and circus snacks
00:30:04
for their appendages procity hey I know I get I get smarter when I do Dennis if
00:30:09
he's listening get a big turkey leg my IQ gets bigger by the way I just want real quick uh New Year's resolution for
00:30:16
David's Bay just so we can do a a viral viral thing I know you got something locked and loaded New Year's resolution
00:30:22
David Phineas space what is mine yeah
00:30:28
um you don't have to have one I don't think I have any great ones you you know
00:30:33
your resolution is not to have resolution people go like that oh yeah
00:30:38
uh yeah I don't have any major ones uh I'm just trying to um I'm trying to use
00:30:46
less than 22 hours a day on my phone that's what my last report was and
00:30:51
I'm like we got to pump them numbers up my phone [ __ ] beats me up every day first of all I had I had an app watch I
00:30:58
lost it 10 years ago you almost closed your circle I'm not even clicking on anything you could get there you're
00:31:04
you're behind actually and then it says congratulations you you're you're you beat last week's record you were on your
00:31:11
phone for 79 hours like reminding me when it shows
00:31:17
you how much phone usage I I walk away I put the phone down I turn it over I go I don't want to know have you done this
00:31:24
where it says Hey iPhone cuz they they go here's a story that so interesting you'd like and I go all right and I
00:31:29
click on it it goes join the Wall Street Journal right now and you can read it I go no no don't
00:31:37
bait and switch me that hor [ __ ] I don't I don't play don't play that [ __ ] they do a lot of clickbait on some of these sites like CNN like you okay I'll click
00:31:45
on a [ __ ] thing and then it's like are you a subscriber join would you like to join for a dollar a month good
00:31:52
headline though huh what's it about you want to know just put your email in we'll give you a free one for a
00:31:58
little bit okay answer just live don't even think are these a plus positive for
00:32:04
society or negative yes or no plus plus for Humanity or minus plus
00:32:11
okay I know where your bread buttered what do you say no I don't know
00:32:16
I'm an analog man in a digital world you know listen I was doing fine with an abacus
00:32:22
forever Abacus what's the next line joke for Abacus is that's I had one in the is
00:32:29
that too old I'm not sure what the substitute is between the calculator
00:32:34
there you go I guess so yeah well I was uh okay I was writing we were writing
00:32:40
notes in class and you know that's gone and do those little fold up napkins instead of texts what were those things
00:32:46
you write things on them and you do a little fold and then little puzzle or something that's one four phones what
00:32:53
about an SNL one like Sarah Sherman's like then I texted Lauren and said why' my sketch get cut I'm like you text
00:33:00
Lauren floores me as a cast member during the show
00:33:07
doing I'll try oh yeah Lauren giving notes when I did that Hunter bid and then I we're all sitting there and
00:33:13
Lauren's got a microphone now and he's like cold open and he starts reading and then he goes Sarah um cuz she's like
00:33:19
Matt Gates maybe you got to face the you're in the you're not in the light enough can you face more towards the middle and she goes I'll try I'm like
00:33:29
yeah I have yes sir I remember one was that the show where he said um Dana you're you you you
00:33:36
look like you're reading the cards and I said I look like I'm reading the cards because I am reading the
00:33:44
cards can Wally give it to me so I can just hold it well it's a lot of [ __ ]
00:33:49
dialogue I used to I was doing P SN just yeah here we go and then I'd fall down or something all of a sudden um that
00:33:56
thing was written last minut it they did an incredible job but it was a lot of uh
00:34:02
traffic I was not used to it but you know I got used to a little bit because there were moving the cards inside baseball for the audience there's a
00:34:09
single shot of the church lady they'd move the cards under there and then they'd move them over there you know and
00:34:15
there was a little bit where do I look at my single or do I look at look at the wide shot and we needed more rehearsal
00:34:21
to get that down sure that ain't SN of course because they go hunter Biden I told you they go hunter Biden you
00:34:26
deliver that one thing about Trump straight to camera I go all right and then I did it and after dress they go
00:34:32
we're moving the camera we'll tell you where it is you'll figure it out I'm like I wouldn't count
00:34:37
on me figuring it out why don't you just tell me and then while Matt Gates is on Wally's literally over there pointing
00:34:44
and going like this I'm like what does that mean I'm on in 20 seconds and then the guy goes he says it's changed now
00:34:50
you're looking at a different camera I go and what camera would that be we're trying to look relaxed inside baseball
00:34:57
we look we're trying I'm trying to be the church lady interviewing Hunter Biden we're trying to be relaxed having a conversation we're seeing like nine
00:35:03
cameras and 25 people nervously staring at us C card guys waving cards and
00:35:09
moving them around an audience behind them wondering if they're gonna laugh they're looking at the monitor look at
00:35:14
us look at the Monitor and the whole time be relax land your line under rehearse it's a fun job all right next
00:35:22
story next story next story [Music]
00:35:28
oh yeah have you heard of leg surgery have you heard of leg turkeyy is where everything's happening everyone's
00:35:34
getting hair transplants and leg surgery so this is a guy was me and the boys leg lengthening surgery leg lengthening yeah
00:35:40
I'm sorry no that's that's big and they go to Turkey to do it and it's very real this is not a joke so this says excuse
00:35:47
me me and the boys after we go to Turkey for leg lengthening surgery this is an orthodontic surgeon okay play the
00:35:52
surgeon too I want to hear what he says for a second me and the boys after going to Turkey to get leg link surgery yeah
00:35:58
so this is a thing people [ __ ] real look at that no change the size of your
00:36:03
arms guys the bo I mean but this is real in a
00:36:09
way because they do do it I think these are too big but they can do about three or four inches they cut your leg in half
00:36:16
and they insert metal things and then put it back together it's like just pretend you've been in an auto accident
00:36:22
hey how was that auto accident oh I'm fine now I'm six I told people
00:36:28
yeah I just said I'm writing a script I need to be quiet for the next couple don't bother me and then they go where's
00:36:34
the script I go what script is that by the way I'm
00:36:39
63 go Oh in the script that was that was Turkey so it's ironically it's in Turkey
00:36:48
why is everything in Turkey I don't know what is up with turkey they're messing around with Syria Trump they're very
00:36:54
tough they leader Edon he's a tough cookie a SM cookie he's a sweet cookie
00:37:00
you can get a lot of cookies out of him the new Trump I'm working on the new
00:37:05
Trump because he's not at the rally screaming he's more quiet now so there's going to be a new Trump that I'm gonna
00:37:11
and he won so he doesn't have to try his hard now yeah he can be more conversational because all his dreams
00:37:17
came true yeah well listen it's very it's very good and uh we're doing things and
00:37:24
uh we're that's the new one I like that we're going to take care of a lot of people and um a lot of people are
00:37:32
talking about it you can see it and and look at was like he's so happy Don
00:37:39
Junior's got a new chick she just buzzed by Mar Argo the other day Don junor I know they sent the old
00:37:46
the uh girlfriend Woman They sent her to Greece was sending her to Greece to
00:37:52
Greece she's going she was dating Don Jr they were going to get married but was sending her to Greece and she's in
00:37:57
Greece she's going to stay in Greece and be our ambassador to Greece Greece
00:38:04
turkey get some longer legs i' rather go to Greece get on an island you know oh
00:38:10
yeah that doesn't sound like a bad deal it's not exactly Alaska so
00:38:15
Antarctica all right next one we're doing great Dana we're doing great I'm
00:38:21
so proud of us okay you read this one construction of luxury ski resort in the
00:38:26
Ukraine start in the middle of Russian invasion I never know what's going on with
00:38:31
Ukraine what is going on that can't be real well some of these things I see on
00:38:36
Instagram it's like Ukrainian nightclubs everyone's like every girl's beautiful and they're like like are are what is
00:38:44
going on well maybe most of the war is this in the maybe it's on the outskirts or something not in the East where
00:38:50
toward Russia maybe on the way west in the mountain I don't want to say they're flush with cash but they do have
00:38:57
probably extra laying around because how can you spend that much money I don't
00:39:02
know uh it's a problem to get it spent safely and accurately and legally yeah I
00:39:11
say one word fishy I'll leave it at that I well the
00:39:17
weird part is and I'm just reading this off my phone but the people who are in charge of the California Homeless
00:39:24
25 happen to be the committee to free ukra it was Ukrainian the same accountants same accountants from
00:39:30
Ukraine were working in California good night can we fire those accountants I don't think they're nailing we're going to stop it we're gonna stop the
00:39:37
wall very fast going to take one minute I'm going to do it unless I like when he
00:39:43
goes one phone call War over what's the phone call no no no no no no no we're
00:39:49
dealing with tough cookies is a tough more cookies these cookies are tough and you got to you got to hand it to them he
00:39:56
a tough cookies Smart Cookie but I'm telling you what we got cookies too he
00:40:01
asked me he said do you accept cookies I knew let me ask you and our fan the
00:40:08
question please a 100 times a day they say can we have your location or
00:40:14
not is that true that's what mine is yeah can we have your location allow it
00:40:19
or not allow why do they want it so bad first of all they know where it is Uber comes to get me everyone knows then I go
00:40:26
hey how far is it from I said the other day like Syracuse to Naples Florida and
00:40:33
they go you'll have to give me your location I go you don't need it how just how many miles is it give us your
00:40:39
location just go to settings it's so easy I go it doesn't matter what's the temperature there well give us your
00:40:45
location we'll tell you what it is over there I go [ __ ] Siri and I go add it guess what's the latest is because I was
00:40:52
somewhere for movie theaters we'd like to we we'd like to have your precise
00:40:58
location I'm sorry what like they which which part of the house are you in yeah
00:41:04
precise location is the latest one but when I say I'm not you're not allowed to have my location then the Wi-Fi sucks
00:41:10
and I can't the goes shitty then I go allow it and I notied it's
00:41:16
better they get what they want but you want to make your life easy just say yes to everything in your life say allow if
00:41:21
you want to have good Wi-Fi in your life if you want to be a smart cookie a good
00:41:26
cookie any kind yeah I'm telling you Siri's been a real [ __ ] I hate to use that kind of language
00:41:32
all right what's the next one seriously Siri has
00:41:38
[Music]
00:41:45
been tourist and underwear versus seven officers I think a fight's gonna break
00:41:50
out I don't know what this is everything's happening in Bellis serus or B Bell
00:41:57
I think these cops when they don't have guns who's scared of them this guy in
00:42:02
his underpants isn't you can't even trip
00:42:09
him the kids are involved look at this little kid in his
00:42:15
short what's he going to do look at this little [Applause]
00:42:22
girl your your wrestling is useless Tas him
00:42:28
I mean look at Spade I can't take him down he's so angry that he's got a
00:42:34
superpower anger strength why is he mad and what is he on and give me underwear he's terrorizing the cop The Underpants
00:42:41
burglar is back listen you gotta see that click on that if you will if if you're listening to this in your car a
00:42:49
man it sounds worse than it is in his underpant he's kind of a heavy set bald man is terrorizing dozens of people B
00:42:57
police officers don't know what to do he's really doing nothing he's not shooting up the place he's just screaming running around screaming and
00:43:04
there's kids I would be too I'd be like hey dude beat it like don't scream around kids [ __ ] to me that's just
00:43:11
another Saturday when I was a kid Saturday in bellarus what's it
00:43:17
called in bellarus tonight Gerald Ford what's it called ban bellus bellus
00:43:24
people look at you bellus bellus can you do the Fandango bellus bellus could you
00:43:30
do the Fandango and you Thunderbolts and lightning what movie is that from Wayne's World did you hurt your
00:43:38
neck in that little sore you know we had Penelope and Chris
00:43:44
and I did it in a scene and I think Black Sheep and she goes shake your head more I go I can't it's too painful
00:43:50
because Chris has like no bones in his head he's like he's like a he's like a he he was like Gumby yeah he could just
00:43:56
I'm like I can't just no one's looking at me to this you were really doing the same thing we were doing it
00:44:03
not wasn't exact ripped off but it was like just some hard metal or something
00:44:09
but it kills your neck I would never do it today never you know you you just get in a way where you fake it like there's
00:44:15
this um heavy metal band German Ramstein and the lead singer he's this hulking
00:44:21
German guy dos ice loose Ross this dry
00:44:26
and it feels like he's getting a little older now but he wants to do that big old with the Don with the head their he
00:44:32
kind of gets in a low Squat and he's sort of more moving his shoulders than the head you know there's ways to fake
00:44:37
it to make you we'll talk about it for your next when's your special out by the way April I think April by the way bus
00:44:44
boys I haven't even looked bus boys the new movie that's going into production can I announce that yeah we're going the
00:44:51
10th J it's coming up theovon and David Spade are the bus bus Boys by the way I
00:44:58
bring it up because I I forgot that I'd probably have to carry bus
00:45:05
tubs and I go how many styrofoam ones do we have on the set with fake pretend
00:45:13
paper glasses and they're like dude are you joking I'm like Theo is a strong one I go no didn't you write this I'm like I
00:45:20
know I didn't really think well are you clearing a table with a tray and carrying it like that I mean
00:45:26
you know how it is like when I'm a bus boy they have all these posters in the back like lift with your legs look
00:45:32
straight up I'm like yeah when you're out in the field like I am boots in the ground you know Dana you're like there's
00:45:37
the kettle of pitch of water rip your back there's a pot of coffee rip your
00:45:43
back lever arm ripping neck scalings SC I had to take giant things of hot
00:45:50
because I clean pots gigantic pots that weigh a freaking ton and then I would
00:45:55
spill the water out but one time it went on my left wrist and it hurt for 20 20
00:46:01
years 20 years it hurt finally got rid of it by doing exercises on it little you know but yeah
00:46:08
I heard wants to see anyone do that signal
00:46:15
if they're over over 12 remember I used to be embarrassed to go Mom it's so dry
00:46:21
in Arizona when you're at the store can you pick up some jerkens my remember jur
00:46:28
lotion we called it jerkens jerkens and that was I think the commercial should have said that also there was Rose milk
00:46:34
gross I was at the lake with some buddies doing like a guys weekend and my
00:46:39
brother my brother loves beef jerky so he did this joke a probably five six
00:46:45
hundred time he'd put the he'd have the beef jerky he'd hold it up to you and say
00:46:51
jerk Jeff that would kill Jerk it would kill in the room well we were all we had
00:46:58
a couple pops you know happy ju give some [ __ ] wobbly pops just all beer you know logger beer
00:47:06
no harm done all right we can keep going let's go another one this is so entertaining okay I'll
00:47:13
read it there's a woman this is we always read them because people listen to are driving okay three there's a
00:47:20
woman sitting on a commode dressed yeah three unusual benefits to getting rid of
00:47:25
toilet paper and using a family cloth instead I have not heard about this I
00:47:31
did not know this go ahead what is about this let's go okay there's there's no
00:47:37
more toilet paper she's got like a rag a rag instead and she's going to wipe her bottom there's is that it you save
00:47:46
$465 a month well do you rinse it out after you e juicer do you hand it to the next
00:47:54
guy so it's just a face Rag and then you wipe your beeh and
00:48:01
then you I don't know I don't love it video they you know you wash them and reuse
00:48:07
them but SE where little kid go you wash that one but it's still dirty she goes it's okay it's okay completely covered
00:48:16
in skitters well I don't know if I want to use it second third fourth fifth you
00:48:21
know and well I have a personal experience with this goes back I'm four
00:48:27
years old I get up before everybody poopity poopity time there's no toilet paper so I do use a little hand towel
00:48:35
and being four years old I put it back on the rack with a full monty so then later on my dad comes out oh Jesus
00:48:41
Christ what's this so I had to get in the living room he made me go get his belt I had to grab my ankles and all my
00:48:47
siblings gather around and he asked how many how many and I got a nice little whooping it's a show Like Gladiator yeah
00:48:54
how many should he get yeah like a thousand a million he's like keep it within
00:49:01
reason my other poo do you want to hear my other poo story it's 30 well I I do know I had to pick the belt once when my
00:49:06
dad showed up once a year to SN did he snap it go get the belt I'm like uh and
00:49:13
then I got a drink I go you want a belt of whiskey he's like nice try no I later
00:49:18
on I'd go back I'll go back there for 10 minutes go I couldn't find it dude he forgot what did I need it for oh
00:49:25
yeah that's great okay other poop story hurry story my dad did not like to stop
00:49:30
so when we're driving in the station wig in Montana once you get going you just keep going you know I gotta go oh Jesus
00:49:37
Christ you can go and win a Muka and again I'm three or four poo my pants get
00:49:42
to the uncle Jack's house he goes hey something smells coming out of the car I go in the bathroom take down my drawers
00:49:50
and I see the situation the only way to get clear is to get the underwear and
00:49:55
get rid of them can't flush them can't put them in the thing so what I did was I crumpled up soiled underwear and I
00:50:02
climbed there was a window that I climbed out of went in the backyard dug a hole with my hands and buried the
00:50:09
underwear your underpants my I buried my Underpants now your words not mine you
00:50:15
took off your soiled drawers climbed out a window and buried your un underpanties
00:50:22
is that your testimony what grew a poop tree
00:50:27
no years later they sold the house and some people were about to buy it but then they went over there and they were
00:50:33
kind of deed and archaic like a fossil thing and so dude this is the grossest
00:50:38
[ __ ] I'm sorry I'm really turn no I don't care quiz Pop Quiz best movie of
00:50:46
2024 for real look at this get myself I like your thumbs up oh look at that is
00:50:51
Heather doing that uhuh [Music]
00:51:04
oh okay this is a woman explaining to a cop a real
00:51:09
woman she wants money for something I can't remember go ahead let me see this I gave her a 20 and she didn't give me
00:51:15
nothing why why did she owe you $20 $20 bill I gave her a $20 bill for what for
00:51:20
anything I don't care whatever it's for but she can give me my money back if she ain't gonna do nothing with it okay will
00:51:26
you plan to buy some drugs or something what kind of drugs are you want to buy rock rock yes I was you gave her $20 buy
00:51:32
I gave her $20 she gave me some plaster and now you want your $20 back because she didn't Supply you with crack cocaine
00:51:39
well she if she shouldn't give me nothing plas she should have S what's going on she come around here a while
00:51:45
ago it used to be some people live right over there used to sell we was sitting out here on the porch and some shirts and she said y'all have anything to buy
00:51:50
I said no baby we don't have nothing to sell so she left went around the corner then she come back 10 minutes later holler give me my money back up no you
00:51:57
ain't bought nothing from here and don't disrespect my child this is my child I don't sell Craig I'm a
00:52:03
prostitute I gave her oh my goodness Lord have mercy this is the real world
00:52:09
out there I like the people call the cops why do they why do you want the cops involved in that uh I don't know I'm processing the
00:52:16
whole thing I uh this is where some of the 20 billion would get just to help
00:52:21
rebuild that neighborhood and create jobs yeah let's rebuild it yeah rebuild it I mean there you know and give him
00:52:28
some decent weage jobs you know listen and every every City's got some tough
00:52:34
neighborhoods that are I mean I always think of you like great comedian and all that but if it if it didn't happen if
00:52:40
you didn't figure out that was your calling I always thought you would have been a great a greeter at Best Buy male
00:52:47
prostitute no at Best Buy oh a greeter best you would sit up and yeah I would probably pretty good hey welcome to Best
00:52:53
Buy can you know you would have been just great at that is that the one where I have a blue
00:52:58
shirt you'd have some kind of shirt or maybe red or some kind of Best Buy a blue blue shirt I think so blue and
00:53:05
yellow BL and yellow are the colors I would like that I would do that uh if I didn't do this I always feel for people
00:53:12
because I don't know I have absolutely no skills none well I always thought
00:53:18
because I majored in broadcasting communication Arts what a goofy degree a lot of people do well maybe I could be a
00:53:25
a you know an am or an FM DJ a radio announcer oh a DJ yeah yeah that's great and a small like like in Santa Rosa or
00:53:33
Fresno this is the day Rock I used to do this joke where um it's let's see what
00:53:40
was it it's like it's 219 in the city 224 on The Dan Rock so the Dane Rock
00:53:45
always had a slightly different time why is the Dane Rock ahead of time I don't know it's two it's it's 12:28 in the
00:53:54
city 12:47 on the D rock that was the [ __ ] Dan Rock it's just so happening
00:54:00
or something it was just Dana Dana has a FM you know called The Dan Rock here's what would have been you're it's it's
00:54:06
it's spudley time in spudville I'm your host David sper no I think I came up
00:54:13
with a rap name here's my rap name pump
00:54:21
fake you okay with that I'm think or you in a jealous rage because it's so good
00:54:27
I am a little jealous um I would be um that's a good
00:54:34
find I would be uh let's see
00:54:40
no no I can't don't worry Heather Heather will help you kill time by sneezing a thousand more
00:54:46
times I have one okay you can be you can be push fight I would be no concealed
00:54:52
weapons that's your whole name that'd be my name rapper and now song from no concealed weapons NCW NCW that's not bad
00:55:02
M because I won't keep my caps in my cap in my ass I say where do you go and you don't want to be last I say gotta have a
00:55:09
blast say it won't last get up in your face and I'll tell you what's gonna
00:55:14
happen go you're a regular machine gun [Laughter]
00:55:21
scarecrow no he's good uh Good Very uh Snappy tun you got a toet Tapper mhm All
00:55:29
Right One More Story one I got aill I got a million things to do
00:55:34
D take it take I don't know if we end with this this is a fun Christmas Story Indonesia's old Christmas tradition of
00:55:42
kidnapping the naughty kids look at this I like Christmas music there's
00:55:50
uncles grabbing kids and stuffing them
00:55:58
would this not scare you Dana but right at the
00:56:03
end he says okay you're going to be good so you're going to be good okay all
00:56:12
right it's a fun lesson for all no no too harsh when adults do do
00:56:22
[ __ ] to little people they forget how traumatized in it is oh yeah so the only
00:56:28
thing we make up for that is other bigger guys come in take the big guy put him in a big bag yeah then he promised
00:56:34
you like the music though it's fun music during
00:56:40
that how about the videos of stupid parents inviting the Grinch over at
00:56:47
night on Christmas Eve and the kids go [ __ ] bazis they cannot it's too
00:56:52
terrifying oh yeah no that's a terrifying did they see the movie of Jim carry I mean and they do what they do
00:56:58
with Tik Tok and they're like here's my kid I got some clicks did you have a Santa we had a a neighbor Bruce Stewart
00:57:05
was his name he owned the music store and he came over dressed as Santa oh he was your local one on the street know we
00:57:12
just next door they were coming over to our house we had five kids maybe some friends there and I'm like two and a
00:57:17
half and I'm thinking to myself you're not Santa that's that's Bruce I know my Sant at the mall used to flirt with me
00:57:23
every year and every time I'd sit there he'd be like you even working out I go um I'm six
00:57:30
no you remember the moment when you start Stop Believing in Santa Claus or
00:57:37
did you ever too Horrible no because I had to go home it's always a kid at
00:57:42
school wanting to ruin it for everyone and I can't stand it see the last of your innocence is believing in Santa I
00:57:50
don't remember believing but I must oh you never did I don't remember but my I
00:57:56
of it two when do you go back to I go back to three maybe first memory three
00:58:03
oh first memory is like three or four yeah I think it's more like four you're a little slow mom your mom told me five
00:58:08
you're you were in the slow group for reading well I was in four years in Michigan from 0 to 4 and all I remember
00:58:14
is two Memories One in snow and one my mom out front maybe I was blanking it
00:58:20
out zero to four I was wondered how did people reminisce
00:58:26
in the year two hey when were we at the lake I don't know it might have been early one I
00:58:31
don't remember I think they say a caveman right now is like seven is going to be
00:58:38
my year that's the new year is seven and why did they always have Native
00:58:44
Americans is it true they always said I instead of their age they go I seen many Winters I mean can't they just put a
00:58:51
notch in a tree I thought it was so patronizing I see this Winters there you
00:58:57
go I was dating this girl but let's just say she's seen a couple of winters you know what I mean she's getting up
00:59:03
[Laughter] there that's how they were rude back then yeah I think they had it better off
00:59:10
than us all right Dana we really nailed it right at an hour and then we'll have 45 minutes of commercials so it should
00:59:16
work out we're going to make the commercials extra fun so stay tuned I think they're scattered throughout our
00:59:22
nonsense yeah remember to smash that subscribe button SM the [ __ ] [ __ ]
00:59:28
free entertainment you can always fast forward Dane and I are busting our humps
00:59:33
over here we're just trying to lighten your day just lighten your day a little bit we may change up our style soon
00:59:40
we're going to see what happens in 20124 yeah might get a little more
00:59:45
controversial all right I'll leave you with a flex all right thanks for coming everyone thanks for being on my show
00:59:52
David yeah thanks for having me David Spade's been my my guest okay
01:00:00
bye this has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly is executive produced
01:00:05
by Dana Carvey and David Spade Jenna wife sperman of Odyssey Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman hope you liked it
01:00:14
[Music]
