00:00:00
Look at my open buttons. Oh, you're going low now. Kind of like Triny Lopez over here.
00:00:07
Circa 1968. All right. Dancing with the former stars.
00:00:14
Can we get some actual stars on there? We'll throw the show off its axis.
00:00:19
What was What was the Ed McMahon show? Star Search. I auditioned for Star Search.
00:00:26
I auditioned at a mall in Arizona. Paradise, Alabama.
00:00:31
Okay, guess what? Bombed. Were you at the Buster Brown shoe store? Where were you in the mall? Was they set
00:00:38
up a little thing in the atrium near the food court? It was pretty good. Weren't you uh
00:00:43
waiting chess king? We'll be with you in a moment. What's funny about a comedian? The
00:00:49
holding area was Hickory Farms. It hits the punchline and then freezes.
00:00:54
Okay. So there you there you were next to dockers. You know those are
00:01:00
you got to lean in prek sketchers. Pre-ketchers. I kind of find shopping
00:01:07
malls if they're empty and they're kind of nice. I find them sort of calming. It's like going inside a spaceship. It
00:01:13
could take off. You could just live in there. The little music when they're empty very calming.
00:01:19
I go there sometimes to get my steps down. Ladies, are you into the steps and the ladies
00:01:25
are not standing up? They're like, "What? A guy that counts his steps? What?
00:01:31
Can I tell you something about the step myth?" Yeah. Don't ruin it for me, but go
00:01:36
ahead. Well, like I always say, people say, "Um, I take a statin, I get side effects. What's your dosage?" Maximum.
00:01:44
Hey, dosage matters. Why don't you lower it? I'll tell my doctor. Do you have any
00:01:50
other side any side effects anymore? No cholesterol still low. Yes.
00:01:56
So the same things with the 10,000 feet or 10,000 steps. It's fine. Do it
00:02:04
if you can, but a little bit of intensity goes a long way. Yeah.
00:02:09
You know, you don't you do less steps, but you find a little hill. You get out of breath.
00:02:15
It's all in my book. This has been a medical moment with Dana Carvin. I You You're funny. You're really funny.
00:02:22
I like to educate as well and then be funny. You are brains and funny. I am just now
00:02:31
when I auditioned for Star Search at the mall. It was back.
00:02:36
Mhm. In the day and you did two minutes and two minutes.
00:02:43
You know what's funny is Dennis Miller had a joke. Our boy Dennis Miller. He said they used to have musical acts
00:02:48
on Star Search. Mhm. He goes, "It was always funny to watch Ed McMahon go,
00:02:54
ladies and gentlemen, kayak." Yeah. Hold on a sec. I'm going to close
00:03:00
the curtains cuz it's getting too bright. They keep this in. Oh, for real? Yeah, cuz the sun the sun came out and I
00:03:06
don't want to be so bright that you know Oh, I can't see [ __ ] I'll tell everyone about my headache. Um when it's too
00:03:13
bright here. You always wonder why Dana is really bright and I'm not. Too much light gives me a headache is my [ __ ]
00:03:18
neck. So, here I am. I have a ring light, which I caved into so I could
00:03:24
look better. And it's a [ __ ] headache machine. And we're back.
00:03:32
Oh, this idiot. [ __ ] Okay, there. That was Kayak. That was Kayak.
00:03:38
Ladies and gentlemen, toe fungus. He has a funny bit too where he says
00:03:44
he went on Star Search with his [ __ ] Unreal act. Yeah. He goes, "Great, great."
00:03:50
He does one joke where he goes, "Uh, Ronald Reagan will be 77 at the end of
00:03:55
his next term and he has access to the button. You know, folks, my grandpa's 77. We
00:04:03
don't let him use a remote control on the TV set." And then he goes, he he gets two stars.
00:04:09
And then Sinbad comes out and goes, "You ever have underpants so old it's just you're wearing a rubber band right
00:04:14
away." Everyone goes, "Oh my god, four stars." He lost. I know he was a force in nature. But I
00:04:20
remember booty booty so big be dragging in the sand. And I remember that with
00:04:26
people all you'd see with feet and tongues and the audience can't hit hard hands hard enough
00:04:32
together. But he was Simbad's a force. Simbad's funny. He had his stage presence and everything. He always killed. I did a
00:04:38
corporate with him and he blew me away. He killed. Everyone looked at me and goes, "Bring that [ __ ] other guy back."
00:04:44
They go, "Sinbad's gonna open. You're gonna I go open for me." And then I could not
00:04:50
follow it. No, he's a powerhouse. I mean, you know, I had once I was playing some theater
00:04:57
and the stage hand I think we talked about this years ago, but uh he says, "Right before I go out, you know, Sinbad
00:05:03
got like four standing ovations. His first 10 minutes was all about the city
00:05:09
and the town and the park and the football team. So, I had to kind of erase all my local references.
00:05:15
Oh, yeah. He gets there six weeks ahead and does all the recon. Yeah. Well, he was a pro. Is a pro.
00:05:22
Let's have him on. Wait, one more thing about about Star Search. Here's trivia. So,
00:05:29
I'm desperately thirsty to get Star Search. Just get anything happening in my Oh, yeah. television show
00:05:34
out in LA. Now they've seen me at the improv. Now I'm auditioning for everything. Joan Rivers had a show.
00:05:41
Oh, I think I told you. So talk. Can we talk? Can we talk? Oh my god. Liz Taylor dog.
00:05:48
So that's Liz Elizabeth Taylor she said was a dog. She's Remember when Louis CK had a episode
00:05:55
with Joan Rivers where suddenly his character of Louis lurched it and tried to make out with Joan Rivers?
00:06:02
No. so turned on by our comedy. Oh, that's great. Let's ask him about it when he comes on. He's coming on in a
00:06:08
couple. Yeah. Yeah, that was that that was really really funny. That um I have a few jokes.
00:06:13
Sexy Instagram. Yeah, please. Hopefully. I have a couple jokes when I follow
00:06:18
Louis I want to ask him about that are great. Uh also, so Star Search, I go into
00:06:24
Gervitz's office. Back then we had Gervitz. You like money? Hey, handsome. What do you do in the office?
00:06:30
Oh, somebody's lost. Who's funny to you? Who's funny to you? I have a shirt. I have a shirt just like that, except mine's expensive.
00:06:36
I had a shirt like that. Then my dad got a job. Don't open your shirt, your heart will fall out.
00:06:44
I'm out of Where were you last night? I go, I did a charity at that company store. Oo, don't open your shirt. Your
00:06:49
heart will fall out. He said that one to me maybe. Oh, that's about doing a being a a go. Yeah, being a good doter. Your heart
00:06:57
your your heart will fall out if you open your shirt. Don't open your shirt. Why would the heart fall out? Like it's bursting out.
00:07:02
It's so big. I don't know. It's like a very It It's like a manager's joke. It's like There's a joke
00:07:08
in there somewhere, but it wouldn't be that. It just sounds like a joke. Mhm.
00:07:13
If you dissect it. Oh, you did a charity event. Oh, okay. Uh let's see. Um how how many hours a
00:07:20
day do you spend virtual signaling something? You come on. You're the writer. Oh, the other one I said I said, "Oh, I
00:07:26
you know me. I have great guy syndrome. And now he says it back to me. I'm working on Memorial Day. Yep. I got
00:07:33
great guy syndrome. I go, don't take my own joke back to me. I want to make sure my camera is not
00:07:39
Oh boy, we got a real tech situation. I think it's great that people understand that
00:07:44
people like that we're not just walking through. I think it was a little blurry. I think it had some dust on it. We're getting our hands dirty.
00:07:50
I don't know what happened to my hair. I tried to copy you and it's a disaster. Your hair's getting some dust on it.
00:07:55
Mhm. Hm. You know, I don't color my hair and people are accusing me going, "Hey, let it go, dude." I go, "You think I picked
00:08:02
this? Let it go. You've got some silver in there. It looks good today, but I do have some silvery I call it blonde." And people
00:08:09
go, "You mean the gray part?" I go, "What? What? What? Huh?" They go, "Oh,
00:08:15
you didn't know that's not blonde." Hey, I'll just say this.
00:08:22
Anyone can do whatever they want. Do we want Mick Jagger to come out with white
00:08:27
hair? Question. No. It's funny. You see a lot of these old bands on the road and they all have
00:08:33
pitch white hair. And I prefer they look like they did in this.
00:08:39
It's the one time you're for it. Plastic surgery. Darken your hair. Just darkening the hair is a good trick. It
00:08:45
takes 20 years off. Yeah. I mean, Jagger, he's stayed 120 pounds his entire life. He works out
00:08:52
like crazy. I know from inside sources that is his hair. He has a crazy head of
00:08:58
thick hair. And so when you're watching him and if they don't go like this, if it's head to
00:09:04
toe, it's MC Jagger, man. I mean, it's it's it's enough of
00:09:10
Yeah. He has a character charactery face which I think people appreciate down the
00:09:15
line where I think girls can handle a guy with a lot of character in their
00:09:20
face which means a lot of bumps, bruises, wrinkles. Well, experience I mean women I read
00:09:26
this recently and this is not to offend women. This was a generalization by a woman psychotherapist.
00:09:33
Women are attracted to kindness, um, funniness,
00:09:41
and access to resources. So MC Jagger, he's kind. I don't know. He's smart and
00:09:47
he has access to resources. He has a garden hose. I've got a castle
00:09:53
in Spain. You know, that's a bigger resource than just, you
00:09:58
know, stuff in your doomsday prepper closet. Yeah, I know where I'll go when the
00:10:05
apocalypse where you going to your house where you're meet me in one of my pantries. We should have a We should have a plan.
00:10:11
That's seven That's 700 ft below the ground where you are right now. Whoops. I shouldn't have said that.
00:10:17
Actually, I'm in the basement. It is a bunkery. We're in the basement. That's a place to be when the
00:10:23
radioactive cloud starts climbing up uh Laurel Canyon. Okay.
00:10:30
Yeah. The the big one went off. What am I? Gleo. What? What am I? Skishi. The skii. You
00:10:38
know the Finnish guy who invented slalom skine. You know, circa 1932.
00:10:46
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00:10:58
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00:11:04
scenting today at pura.com. So, I go into Gervitz's office and I say,
00:11:09
"Our manager, I auditioned last night for Joan River show
00:11:16
at the improv and he said cuz he she was so big on Johnny Carson for those of you
00:11:21
who don't know. Such a fabulous." We're talking the 90s. Yeah. Yeah. She I was young comic. was
00:11:28
probably 23. She uh spun off and did her own talk show which was against Johnny and he did not
00:11:34
like it. Never talked to her again. Right. Well, I heard her side of the story, you
00:11:41
know, publicly and I said, you know, she it's a human story, so she starts
00:11:47
substituting for Johnny and maybe and Johnny had a lot of time off, but she would either do Mondays, sometimes a
00:11:53
week, and so she was a shiny new object. She was at the peak of her can we talk
00:11:58
and you know so she was great killing and then Johnny would come in that so then she
00:12:04
without telling Johnny I went to Fox goes to Fox signs the contract is going
00:12:10
to Fox is going to appear as a talk show up against Johnny now what good manners
00:12:17
would have been you know Johnny I'm thinking of making this move you know you just people don't want to be
00:12:22
surprised I don't know if he would have said yes or no but he kind earthed her blind side maybe ran away.
00:12:28
But and it's a and it's Fox's like signature show like they're they're newer.
00:12:34
Yeah. This is a big deal that they're going in into late night television. I think she was 11 to 12. It would overlap
00:12:40
with Johnny Johnny Carson. But Johnny Johnny I got blacklisted. So Johnny was
00:12:46
he would draw a line. That was her, you know. Sure. So here's Joan does her show. It
00:12:52
comes out all right. You know, it's a big show because it's so much big. Yeah. So, she has
00:12:59
um she has to have guest host. So, she has our senior. Okay.
00:13:05
Who eventually did so well off. Yeah. So, when I get Joan Gervitz goes,
00:13:11
"You got Jon show." I go, "Oh, I did." So, I'm pumped. And I go, "Oh my god, I have to do six
00:13:17
minutes on Joners. I'm so scared." And he said, "By the way, also Star Star Search called They Want You, but we
00:13:24
don't want that. We want" And I was like, "Wait, this is the same minute I hear." And I'm like, "I've been chasing
00:13:30
Star Search for about 3 years." I go, "We don't want that." No. No. Handsome.
00:13:37
You You got I'm sorry. Did I stutter? We got Joan Rivers, which is a bigger
00:13:43
deal. That's network TV, not Star. Some syndicated dog [ __ ] Oh my. Uh, okay. He
00:13:49
goes, "Just be happy about Joan Rivers. Don't want too much." So, I said, "Okay." So, I say no to casually Star
00:13:57
Search, which I really wanted. I go to Joan Rivers, our senior is the host. I
00:14:02
do my set. It does pretty well. Two days later, they call, "Hey,
00:14:08
they want you to guest host for Joan." I go, "Well,
00:14:14
me? I barely do stand up. Can I ask you a question for in this story line? When
00:14:19
where is your It's It's truthy. Where is your Carson
00:14:25
appearance in this? Before, after, during? What? Because you went on Carson. I think it's after because
00:14:31
Okay. Cuz then you would be a Joe Rivers person if you hosted. Maybe get persona
00:14:36
nongrada. It wasn't that. I wasn't even that smart. I was like, "Oh,
00:14:42
I couldn't imagine hosting." I said, "Oh, no." And he's like, "You don't want
00:14:48
to host?" I go, "No, I barely I've never been on a stage before." So, I went out and do stand up. And as I said with
00:14:55
Carson, "All you're doing is going, "Oh my god, the floor is so shiny. Oh, there's that little star I'm supposed to
00:15:00
step on." I look and see the crowd. I've never seen it this way. I've only seen it this way. And I'm like, there's our
00:15:06
senior. [ __ ] Oh, wait. I do my act now. What is my act? It's just too much going
00:15:13
through your head. And I'm like, "Oh, I'm supposed to sit over there, do a monologue. I already did my good jokes. Do this. Didn't know I'd have writers.
00:15:20
Uh, interview people. I don't I'm 23." They just were like, "Shiny, shiny new
00:15:25
guy did a good set. Let's throw him in there." So, I say no. And then I go to play
00:15:31
cartoons. I think we talked about this. And then in Utah, cartoons, the comedy club.
00:15:37
Yeah. I'm getting 600. We were just laughing about this with someone. I don't know who it was. uh one of our guests and uh and they
00:15:44
said, "Hey, uh Barry Diller and Gan Seir want to meet you from Fox." They were
00:15:49
the new heads of Fox. And I was like, "Why?" And they go, "Just go meet him. I
00:15:55
don't know." So they said, "We" I go in there, I go, "What's up, guys? Blow it up.
00:16:02
Uh what do we got going here? What's this meeting about? I don't have lots of time." And they said, "Uh, why would you
00:16:10
turn it down?" And I said, "Oh, I wasn't ready." A meeting about you turning down a guest
00:16:17
hosting gig. We can't believe you would turn that down. 23
00:16:22
grooming you. They said, "We like that you turned it down. What do you want to do here at
00:16:28
Fox? We want you to be Michael J. Fox over here." And I'm like, "Did you do Michael J. Fox in your act
00:16:34
at that point?" Hey, Sarge. No, they just were saying literally um you know ABC or whoever had
00:16:41
family ties and they're like let's find something for you over here. So that was just a great meeting off of just me not
00:16:49
being dumb enough to meetings. When I was 23 I was still
00:16:56
waitering. I I put down my apron the following year but I'd have an apron on at the holiday in. And I'd say the
00:17:02
buffet comes with the meal. The we had a cook who was horrible and there'd be
00:17:08
carrots or or you know corn on the plate and there'd be gravy all over it. I had
00:17:13
to bring these disgusting plates to people and pretend it was a big thing. My normal tip was a buck and you
00:17:20
My normal tip was a buck. And you were having meetings being in movies right out of high school. I'm
00:17:25
only saying it out of envy. Congratulations. I like that people like you know I actually worked at Fox. You were asking
00:17:31
where the glory hole was because you were supposed to take care of some things. I'm like, well, it's sort of
00:17:38
casting cow. No, it was a nice meeting and then nothing really came of it. But
00:17:45
do you have a message right now for anyone in a young person listening
00:17:50
who aspires to a career like you have or a career in show business? What's what's the takeaway? What can you tell the
00:17:57
young people? I think what I say is what you probably say, what anyone says. Mhm.
00:18:02
When people go casually on Instagram or my friend's kid says, "I want to be an
00:18:09
actor or a comedian. How do I do it? Go." Right. Mhm.
00:18:14
Uh, ideally in under 30 minutes, but I think the real answer is there's no
00:18:19
answer other than just try to do it. Commit yourself and if you're any good,
00:18:24
someone will find you. I always tell people the same thing. I say it's it's it's a topsyturvy. It's an emotionally
00:18:31
violent thing to do. Only thing you can control in show business is trying to
00:18:38
get better at what you do. So, I'd say go to open mics wherever you can find them. Record your act. Sit with the
00:18:45
notes and correct anything that doesn't seem clear, anything that's not funny. I've seen open micers who have an act
00:18:52
that doesn't really work. happened to see them two years later, not one word changed.
00:18:59
Yeah. So, you just have to get better and then see how good you can get and then see
00:19:04
what happens. But try not to be disappointed when people are killing before you, after
00:19:09
you. Also, no, just pay attention to yourself. Nobody else. Yeah. You have to just worry about this. I remember when I told you that.
00:19:15
Remember when I played the improv in Phoenix and you were there and you g me
00:19:21
m Mr. Carvey? I was wondering I gave you a southern accent and a
00:19:26
stutter. Yeah. Good. Good. Good. All right. So, should we do my thing? I
00:19:33
guess I'm going to show a couple clips cuz this is sort of people are sometimes ask
00:19:39
me how I come up with stuff and my thinking about how I do stuff. Okay, let's not play it. Should I talk
00:19:47
about discuss it first? I'll discuss it a little bit first. So, set it up. So here we've queued up the
00:19:54
Biden that I did. So at the time that I did Biden, I wasn't I I felt like he was
00:20:00
a little underserved with the with the talk shows and so forth. So I just felt
00:20:05
that cuz Trump was Mr. Border for like yours.
00:20:10
We got to close it. We're going to close it like nobody's business. And then all of a sudden about six months before the
00:20:16
election, the Democrats saw that this was a they were very vulnerable on this issue. So Biden comes out there as the
00:20:23
border guy, you know, almost aggressively. And I was also breaking down some hooks.
00:20:28
I like Biden as the 50s guy with the ice cream and also threatening people and his uh his attitude. So this was me
00:20:35
coming on to Biden making this point of how funny it is that suddenly he's the border guy. I started with Biden because
00:20:43
the border is all the rage now. Everyone's crazy for the border. So I did Biden three years ago and he's at a
00:20:48
press conference. You know, Mr. President, do you have any idea how you're going to handle the crisis at the border? And Bid's like, first of all,
00:20:55
let's get our facts straight. There's no crisis at the border. Great when you go up like that. And he goes, how do you know, sir? He
00:21:00
goes, cuz it says so on the piece of paper. Come on. He says on paper. There's a
00:21:06
paper right there. And then recently, everyone wants to close the border. Everyone's screaming vines up there.
00:21:12
I'll close the border harder than anyone's ever closed a border. I know how to close borders. Come on, Jack. The
00:21:17
press is like, "But last time, get your facts straight. I'll beat you the hell out of you. Will you dog pace pony's
00:21:23
shoulder? Come on. Let's do some push-ups. I'll close the border like nobody's ever closing the border. The
00:21:28
border patrol border can't believe it's not butter." There's the Heather back then.
00:21:33
That's a good ending. Say it again. Yeah. So, I forgot about the one cuz
00:21:38
Biden always would have a binder and he'd have, you know, things he was reading from. They say so here on the
00:21:44
piece of paper was probably the most edgiest thing. But I just want to say is that my mantra is my rule is if I do
00:21:52
satarize somebody is that it's funny first of all. I'm just trying to see if there's
00:21:59
anything in there an elephant in the room. Nothing's being touched. And mostly when I look at that it's funny.
00:22:05
And I've had people who were really strong Biden supporters who said I re I
00:22:10
really laughed at that. So at the time it was like what's he doing, you know? Yeah. Underserved and and I think um and
00:22:17
that got millions of views when you count Facebook and everything went got really million sent around
00:22:24
a million views. It did it just because it was uh hadn't been really put out there and
00:22:30
then I ended up doing it on SNL after that. Right. And SNL wasn't really doing Biden. They didn't have a Biden really and they I know a lot of places focused
00:22:37
on Trump uh from talk shows to whatever and Trump's way easier. Says funny
00:22:44
things already. You almost don't have to do anything. But it always gets an applause. It gets But in comedy, you should go the other
00:22:51
way sometimes and say, "Okay, well, what is being underserved here? Okay, Biden is the actual president. There's got to
00:22:57
be something funny." Every president gets made fun of. And I do think it was
00:23:04
you doing that sort of woke people to go, "Oh, there is a funny thing about Biden that isn't super offensive.
00:23:10
Doesn't take sides." It's kind of playful. You have a funny Trump and you have a funny Biden. So, we had the Biden when I was not here
00:23:16
where he just would sit off to the side and itch his nose in slow motion. It's so funny. That got a lot of because it's only from
00:23:23
observing him because he was the president. Yeah. Mhm. You know, and then I when he when he
00:23:30
started sort of uh being louder, you know, that was sort of helped me because he would whisper, "I know how to close
00:23:36
the border cuz I know how to close the borders borders time." And so that rhythm gave me energy for him, but it
00:23:43
was just something that I did just because I wanted to. So there's one more that was uh
00:23:49
probably got behind the attention. Yeah. Oh, this is Fouchy, right?
00:23:55
Yeah. cuz I this was something also I felt was a little underserved
00:24:00
comedic no one made fun of Fouchy and I was like I was look anyone I do I don't hate them I don't have any you
00:24:06
know and mostly I just thought it was funny that Fouchy was the the face of of
00:24:11
COVID and he had to sell it in a way and it was changing and mutating rapidly so you had to get different different uh
00:24:19
boosters with different mRNA medicine in them and so he had to be the face of that but
00:24:25
he didn't want to discourage people from getting the the vaccine. So, um I
00:24:30
actually was driving from Tahoe and I was talking to my
00:24:35
sister on the phone and this whole thing came out and even the ending too came
00:24:40
out. So, let's take a look. I missed co I know you dude, you know what I knew?
00:24:46
There was trouble when anyone that came to our country didn't have to get a vaccine. And I go if you're telling me I can't go to work
00:24:53
but Everyone coming in doesn't have to get one. I go, "Well, once we found out when Fouchi said,
00:24:59
"Okay, I'm sorry. If you've had two boosters and two vaccines, you can get and give CO to another guy who's had
00:25:07
five vaccines and four boosts." What's the difference between a vaccine and booster? I don't know. It's just more vaccine, but booster sounds better.
00:25:14
Anyway, a guy with 25 vaccines would get give CO to another guy with 25 vaccines.
00:25:21
That's why I'm introducing the daily co shot. Every day you get a shot. By the
00:25:26
time you get to your car, you got no immunity, but it's a beautiful 39 seconds.
00:25:31
A push in. A nice little push in there. Saying I miss CO is funny. People going,
00:25:37
"Oh, really?" The coms are, "You miss CO." We're like, "We're joking, [ __ ] face." Of course.
00:25:42
And I didn't know I was going to do the glasses coming down. Hilarious. Hilarious. Uh, but anyway, that was the same thing.
00:25:49
It just felt like it sort of had to be said, but also like again it's just funny as well. Two guys with four
00:25:56
boosters and three vaccines can when you see someone on TV every day for two years.
00:26:01
Mhm. Because he's on TV giving reports. No one's saying no one's saying a spin on it. No one's doing a joke. Here's a
00:26:07
common denominator. We all know who this guy is. Now it's time to make fun of him. SNL finally did, but it was Brad
00:26:13
Pitt doing Fouchy, but it was sort of an homage. It was like thanking America. Yeah. and and it was not now someone
00:26:19
kind of go at him and do an actual like funny take where it's making fun of him
00:26:26
I think was appropriate and it was uh overdue. Well, we're supposed to kind of uh have
00:26:31
a little fun with our our our authorities. He was the authority during this time and we're uh we're just asking
00:26:39
questions in a funny way. But I think before that there was so much political tension and around people vax, antivax,
00:26:48
that whole thing that it's hard to land something like that and make it really funny. And so
00:26:54
um but you helped me out a lot in that listening and laughing and Heather. Yes, it was all me and Heather.
00:27:01
Uh so that's good. That's behind the clips. Behind the clips. Number one thing, make
00:27:07
sure it's funny when you satize someone. number two, have some sort of truth that's not really been talked about.
00:27:13
That's a little bit elephant in the room kind of stuff. Um, and that was the job
00:27:18
that Fouchi had to do. And I don't I I don't I it's wasn't an easy job.
00:27:24
As far as the Wuhan lab, that's a whole other thing. Every time they asked him, do you think the virus came from the
00:27:31
Wuhan lab? Uh, you know, I that's highly unlikely.
00:27:36
I don't think so. And then we found out that the NIH, which he's been ahead of, was ahead of, was funding um uh gain of
00:27:45
function research. Doesn't mean it came from the Wuhan lab, but it was a little little bit of a side step to go, I don't
00:27:51
think so, you know. Yeah. Grouchy Fouchy. You get mad. A little prickly sometimes.
00:27:57
But CO is back, but I guess it's weakened. A little prickly.
00:28:02
Listen, you can't miss it if it doesn't go away. So Lauren used to tell me, "David, they
00:28:08
can't miss you if you don't go away." Oh, I said like co
00:28:14
David, you should have hosted Rivers. It was a way to break out early.
00:28:19
David, uh, CO needs to host.
00:28:26
Are you boosted? Because you all should be boosted. I actually did. No joke. I'm
00:28:31
not getting around here. talked to a pretty big doctor in LA,
00:28:36
ears, nose, throat guy, and he just said that he he was not antivax or provax. He just said people who keep getting the
00:28:42
boosters seem to be getting co more. Now, that's just one doctor's opinion, but you know,
00:28:48
yeah, I don't know. I had it. I had the flu. It was worse. Yeah, I you know, Christ sakes got an immune
00:28:56
system like Fort Knox. You know, nothing gets in or out. Okay. I was hosting for
00:29:01
Kimmel and I flew to Lake Tahoe, your precious uh place from
00:29:08
your other story. And I was doing a show there, but I had to take a COVID test to
00:29:13
host Kimmel on the Monday. So, I take it on Thursday, fly to get one last vacation, and things are starting to
00:29:19
open up a little bit. And I land, I go to the hotel, and I get a call, you've got COVID, turn around and get back on a
00:29:25
flight, get the [ __ ] out. I'm like, I couldn't do my show. Second time I canceled. The third time I went up
00:29:31
there, there was a fire near the casino and the mountains cancelled again. So I
00:29:36
didn't get to do it till the probably the fourth or fifth time. God. How many times? Six people left.
00:29:41
How many times have you had CO? I don't know. Like 50. How many? What's
00:29:47
normal? 40 is average. I'll let you know when I don't have it.
00:29:53
I don't know if you have it. Asymptomatic is one of the funniest things to happen with anything. You can
00:29:58
say I have asymptomatic blind. I knew young people who got COVID, people in their 20s said they felt
00:30:04
great. They just tested for it. I mean, some people got it harsher. I
00:30:09
think in hindsight, maybe it was younger people and older people, but who knows? Uh, let's get to the news story.
00:30:16
Literally, if you're immuno compromised, you're a senior, you're a bit
00:30:21
overweight, go ahead, get the get the vaccine. This is our boy John Kennedy
00:30:27
who's always crack up. He was talking about radio. One of the greatest pictures that has
00:30:33
been put on this. By the way, that's really him putting up this picture. It's like feeding candy to the alien
00:30:40
that came out of the guy's. Now, what is the story? The story is something about they detected
00:30:45
radioactive shrimp and now he's takes it all the way to
00:30:51
now I'm sitting down for a shrimp bowl and I get a bowl full of aliens. You
00:30:58
know, you don't know. I can't even tell you what he's saying here. Yeah. But it just sounds funny that he goes all the way to bring this [ __ ]
00:31:04
picture to the He's got a good staff. I would need a picture of the alien creature that burst
00:31:12
out of the belly of the man on the spaceship in the movie Alien
00:31:18
of expressing a visual of the radioactive shrimp.
00:31:24
Yeah. At preferably covered in blood and the and the baby, not the big giant one. I'm not
00:31:31
scared of that as much. Now, I would like to make it look like
00:31:37
I'm just kind of tickling the alien so that if I reach over, it's looks like
00:31:43
we're pals. My words, not yours. Maybe uh a frozen bag of shrimps next to
00:31:50
me so I could compare the two and differentiate my point.
00:31:56
What a great What a great performer. We're so lucky. money in the in the Senate. his his
00:32:04
interviews with the people are so you said on October 9th you tweaked to Ed
00:32:12
you tweaked your Twitter not mine it's now X is it X okay I know it is Twitter
00:32:19
that man never landed on the moon you still believe that you stand by those words your words not mine
00:32:27
you ever seen something otherworldly [Laughter] um What am I? He's like the the uh new
00:32:35
carrot top or Gallagher of those meetings because he brings props, got
00:32:40
suitcase. Well, the slow motion, we've seen it in movies, you know, John Gryom novels of
00:32:45
the super smart southern guy who sounds like a kind of kind of dumb hick, you
00:32:51
know, and he moves in slow motion. He's always shuffling papers and I I don't quite know where this is, you know, but
00:32:58
he's laying a trap for the people he's interviewing. Then he finds them and they're like
00:33:05
shrimp boil. Okay, next one. Next one. Next one. Next one. Next one.
00:33:11
Okay. Oh. Oh, this is kind of a feel-good story. Okay.
00:33:16
So, 36 years ago, one of boxing's biggest robberies,
00:33:22
uh, Roy Jones fought, uh, I guess Park Seun in the Olympics. And when you see a
00:33:29
clip, it looks like Roy Jones lost, but the other guy won it. So, play the clip.
00:33:35
Okay. He He hasn't seen him. What's up, brother? He wants to meet Roy after all this time.
00:33:41
Okay. Guy fought in the Olympics that got his gold.
00:33:50
He's wait 36 years. Wow. So good to see. Look at how nice Roy is. The guy beat
00:33:55
him in the Olympics. Was to get in the ring. Wow. Very nice. So, the guy who got the gold is giving it.
00:34:01
He got something for you. First, he takes a picture with it. Then he explains he's giving it back to
00:34:08
him.
00:34:13
And it really hits him because for 36 years he's been told he won. He thought he won. And so he's
00:34:23
he won the gold at the time. He had the goal, but he wants to give back to you that it belongs to you.
00:34:28
Wow. Oh my god. How heavy. Wow. 36 years. He thought he'd
00:34:34
Thank God for that piano to tell me how to think. Yeah. And and it was playing live there.
00:34:40
Yeah. The guy was See, here it is.
00:34:46
Jones is the black guy in this. So when Jones is winning, they keep
00:34:52
stopping it. That I think that's what he's saying. Oh, they Yeah, they would just walk in. But Jones does look like he's winning. I
00:34:58
know boxing very well. Dana Jones in his heyday, I do know, is one of the best
00:35:03
boxers of all time. Look how fast. Yeah. Coming from left, right, moving
00:35:08
in. Boom. Boom. Boom. Yeah, it's not close. Yeah, they don't give
00:35:15
the Korean the standing eight. It's almost over.
00:35:21
No, I like it. Jones was great. hands down. He's super fast.
00:35:26
He says Jones has a tremendous lead. I think he said that.
00:35:36
Yeah, it's I think I remember this. I was very young, Dana. I'm still very young, so I
00:35:42
don't I was probably one. I'm the ref in white.
00:35:49
Oh, boy. and he knew it was kind of fixed.
00:35:54
He said stolen right there. This turned into a 30 on 30.
00:36:00
Wow. Wow. I mean, you know, I'm I'm only interested in the 36 years of it all.
00:36:06
But the guy knew he'd lost. So, you're five. No, I think I'm still You're 10.
00:36:11
I'm going to hang on to it. 25 years later. Yeah. I looked at a couple clips. I'm good. 30. I don't
00:36:18
know, honey. I guess it was a tie. Five. I'm gonna call someone today. Why?
00:36:24
Who would you call? I'm not going to do an Asian accent. I do feel like
00:36:29
Roy Jones did not know why he was going there. I think he said the guy wants to see you again after 36 years and just
00:36:35
say hello. And I don't think he could have reacted that way if he knew. I think it really caught him off guard.
00:36:41
Thought it was nice. I think what is the Korean fighter finally saw it again, you
00:36:47
know, brought it out, looked at it again like 36 years later and at the time he looked at it, he was like,
00:36:55
and then there was a small earthquake in South Korea at the time. So he's like,
00:37:02
Roy Jones, right? Oh, got to call Roy Jones. Give him back
00:37:10
a middle. That's in the middle. There's an earthquake while he's
00:37:16
Well, that it's a reenactment of what I saw on 60 Minutes.
00:37:24
Okay. So, that was nice. Gave it to him. That That was a good feelood clip. That's one of our best.
00:37:30
Yeah. Now, we'll go to a feel bad one probably. Well, let's see what this is. Okay. I don't know. Oh, Japan has created a human washing
00:37:37
machine which which cleans and dries you in 15 minutes. It's also known as a
00:37:44
shower. I mean, yeah, I don't know why. Who wants to be It's a The guy's in a space capsule.
00:37:50
It's not for the claustrophobic. It's like a car wash. Do they have a
00:37:55
video? No. Okay. Well, I would say no one inside a pod.
00:38:00
No one mentioned the shower to this guy. I think it might bump with your
00:38:06
uh bid on Shark Tank next week. Yeah. Okay. Well, hello Sharks. Have you ever been
00:38:11
dirty at the end of the day and have no idea what to do? Yeah. I want to get into the pod that Sigourney Weaver piled into on the first
00:38:19
alien. Okay. And get a little wash and dry before I need need meet the next
00:38:25
seven ton creature on planet C. Sorry, I've stumbled.
00:38:31
Krillore. Uh, thank you, Dennis, for being Thank you, Dennis, for co-starring
00:38:37
today. Uh, okay, one more. Let's see. We'll keep going. What do we got? We're really up on the news. We're really
00:38:43
It's fantastic. I thought that was a tree, Dana.
00:38:48
Uh, that's not a tree. That's a drill. A Florida plumber found a snake. Oh, it was clogged in a toilet
00:38:56
and they had to get a crane to stretch it out to see how long it was. What kind of snake? Okay, for people
00:39:03
listening, the snake is 40 feet long and and 20 in. I mean, and and thick. What
00:39:10
kind of snake can get that big? I guess a python. Oh, it's a python grows to 40 feet if
00:39:17
left in a sewer. They had to dig around a house to find it. But I've seen so many snakes and
00:39:23
things that are so big, mostly anacondas, but I have a lot of Yeah, they if they're if they're left alone in
00:39:30
a sewer or something, they just keep growing and growing. So, it's very possible. Now, AI, I don't know if AI
00:39:35
would waste its time with this stupid picture, but Well, what's the Kevin Bacon movie with
00:39:41
the worms underground? Oh, I like that. Tremors. Tremors. Kind of a tremors motif.
00:39:47
Hey, we had Kevin on this show. We should have him on. Oh, I did a gig with uh a charity gig with the Bacon
00:39:53
Brothers. The Bacon Bros. They're great. Super nice. Very talented.
00:39:58
You ever try Bakos as a kid? Yeah. It wasn't my fave. You know what it is? That fake bacon you
00:40:05
shake on your Oh, I know. You ever do? You ever You know I love it. Have you ever had on white bread?
00:40:12
Because nothing's in the house a mayonnaise sandwich and you kind of put a little bit of pepper on it. Mayonnaise
00:40:18
on white bread. A little bit of pepper when when mom I don't think I've done that. My mom didn't have a lot around the house, but
00:40:24
I did have peanut butter and mayonnaise. I felt like Elvis, but I did like it and
00:40:29
it was [ __ ] sickening when I think about it. Welcome to another edition of Who had it worse?
00:40:35
A vomitorium. Well, there were five of us. And if if
00:40:40
Sugar Smacks came in the house, my brother my brother Mark, we call him the human garbage disposal. He would take
00:40:46
the whole thing and put it in a mixing bowl that you would do for He'd eat them all before you got a quart of milk. Yeah.
00:40:52
Oh, yeah. I had a pepper sandwich with mayonnaise on it. Well, that's the one I just told you about.
00:40:58
No, you had a mayonnaise sandwich with pepper on it. You had a pepper. Okay, got it. I flipped the script on you, D.
00:41:04
I I like that. I'm a little slow on the uptake today.
00:41:10
Okay, so uh next one. Let's see what else we got. We're really reminiscing. It's really You're sure? It's amazing.
00:41:16
Okay. We were just built different. 1995. This is one of what
00:41:22
part of the new routine after recess, a spray of water in the face to cool them off before heading into a
00:41:28
Every kid goes, "Ow, my air conditioning." I think most kids would like that on a hot day getting sprayed with a big spray
00:41:35
of cool water. I like they have no air conditioning and the teacher just goes by and go,
00:41:41
someone would complain. Don't you think some kid or parent would complain about that? Oh yeah, kids blind now. What did you
00:41:46
have in there? You know, now it was Windex in that bottle. Anyway to sue.
00:41:53
Anyway to sue a new show. Anyway, woo. Good lord.
00:41:58
Life is strange. Do you think I explained those clips properly? Did I overexlain them?
00:42:04
No, it's behind the clips. We see a clip that went kind of viral and you explained
00:42:10
about it. Yeah, that's a good thing. We should get a little theme song behind the clips.
00:42:16
You know, harmonize behind the clips. Behind cuz you got some bangers out
00:42:21
there. Some seven figure seven figure clips.
00:42:26
You know, I mean, you know, I know you like to play the guitar, Dana. Who did I run into two nights ago? Heather, I
00:42:33
didn't tell you. No Gallagher. They're in town doing uh Oasis is doing
00:42:39
Roseb, which from all reports
00:42:45
is a very good show. From all reports, it's
00:42:51
it's the best they've ever sounded. I've been following this casually but it is
00:42:56
interesting when their relationship the band in the 90s for period of time was
00:43:02
the biggest band in the world nothing for how long 20 years 15 years
00:43:08
just you hear of fighting just and they really hated each other I mean really would come to blows okay let's
00:43:14
start the song [ __ ] you I mean it was like I don't think it's an act yeah I think they really no I think they really did
00:43:21
they're just temperamental They couldn't have how big the tour until you do the tour
00:43:28
and all the tickets are bought and then they're adding dates and selling out reunion. Yeah. Like I'm telling you the
00:43:33
people that are I'm medium into Oasis and I love seeing this dude out in the real world but the people that are in it
00:43:40
are [ __ ] bazutis about it. Yeah. They go crazy and everyone says it's their
00:43:46
favorite concert. So what is it all or Wonderfall? What's the big one? It was underalls. that old
00:43:51
wonder maybe maybe Greg knows he knows Wonder Wall and I think null
00:43:57
seem sings uh so don't look back
00:44:03
it's catchy it's beetle influence with with pop and I guess null kind of writes
00:44:08
a lot of the songs and Liam sings but also I don't know who does what but um
00:44:13
the fact that they are friends now people love that that they're kind of friendly they're make you know making
00:44:19
jokes they're and they're gross OC, but they I always say I mean I've done it on
00:44:24
movie sets and shows where you just don't get along with someone. You know,
00:44:29
it's show business is like high school. You're not going to get along with everyone and it's it's okay, but you get
00:44:34
along to get along and everyone's got a common purpose to get a good movie or a good TV show. These bands, if you're an
00:44:41
observer, all you say is, "Hey, Van Halen, get your [ __ ] [ __ ] together and get on that goddamn stage." And I
00:44:46
think they figured out, walk in separately, walk out and get in a car. We don't care if you hate each other.
00:44:53
Play. It's our memories. We want it. So bands like that, you're just like, please do it for us
00:44:59
and figure it out. And they did. And I I love that. And you know, it's not cynical to say
00:45:05
now they're making a lot a lot of money. They probably have a lot of money, but probably maybe you don't know what they
00:45:11
really keep from their first wave of success. Yeah. this time. But, you know, bands get mad because it was even in the
00:45:18
Beatles documentary, you know, Paul's doing, I think, Get Back and then George has a solo or something like that, you
00:45:25
know, and Paul being the de facto producer of his song. Well, maybe you could go a little go and then George
00:45:32
said, "I'll I'll play whatever you want or I won't play at all." You know, and then he quit the band the next day, but
00:45:39
then he came back and they were buddies again. But, yeah, it's all tension. All showbiz is
00:45:44
highly creative, highly stressful and so that happens. Glad they're back. I will see it now. I thought the Rose Bowl was
00:45:51
a little much. I saw the Rolling Stones there and it was where I was in the aisles, you know, and I'm in the stands
00:45:59
and then people cuz I was on the edge, they start coming up and kind of blocking you on the stairs. Then they
00:46:04
kind of get in your row like this. Oh, the creek. And then people go tickets. And they go,
00:46:09
don't say anything. And I'm like, I can't say anything. They're [ __ ] standing on my chair. Can I just stand here
00:46:15
in my We're all standing cuz no one will sit. So now I'm standing and there's people standing in front of me here and
00:46:21
I'm not supposed to rat them out. And then I'm like, "This isn't fun." And also people, it gets scary because it's
00:46:28
like a mob mentality. If there's any trouble, if there's any fights, you're toast. Well, this is where I think I
00:46:34
said the other day, I don't think it's very profound, but at some point, if you have an attachment to, let's say, Oasis
00:46:40
and some of their songs, and you know, you're in the nosebleleeds, you can barely see their
00:46:46
screens, you just want to be able to say that you saw them live because the experience is
00:46:53
horrible. We used to have Day on the Green. You'd be out on the football field in the grass and stuff,
00:46:58
right? I mean, if you said you were Central Park for Simon and Garfuncle for their big show or Diana Ross in the
00:47:05
Rain, like you were there. That's all that matters. I was at that piece of history. One place that would get big acts if
00:47:11
they play more than one start was uh Universal Amphitheater. It was 6,000.
00:47:18
I loved it. And it was amphitheater. So, I saw Neil Young there and stuff and so that was intimate enough to really get into the
00:47:25
thing. But Rose, is that like 80,000? Go ahead. Rosebell's fat. Rosebell's for football games.
00:47:31
Yeah. Uh and they've jammed them in like [ __ ] sardines. I was playing when we
00:47:37
did this last gig. When it says amphitheater, I thought that means outside, but the universal amphitheater
00:47:43
was not outside. What does amphitheater mean? Amphitheater, I think, is just sloped
00:47:49
down. It can be outside. Traditionally, if you think about Greeks and Romans, it was an outdoor amphitheater. And there
00:47:55
aren't or outdoor amphitheaters, but I think that was an amphitheater only in that it was like a bowl. It was slanted
00:48:02
like that. Yeah, I think so. Like a round. Yeah. It was become coming from Roman days and
00:48:09
stuff where the acoustics you wanted to be as much people as possible where you can still hear the performers.
00:48:15
Yeah. You know what I mean? I have I No, I don't. I have one last question about about uh Heather might
00:48:21
look this up. the comedy festival before we go in Rihad. Is that a place?
00:48:27
Saudi Arabia. Uh in Saudi Arabia, there's a comedy festival. Hilarious. It's funny already. Um so the comics
00:48:34
that are going are getting a little blowback because people are saying this now. There's
00:48:39
arguments you shouldn't go there for this. Obviously they're overpaying everyone. I've heard numbers. It's it's
00:48:45
[ __ ] fat and juicy on that front. But
00:48:50
do you go because you say I'm not going to contribute or do you hear that all these companies do business with them
00:48:55
anyway, so everyone's hypocritical anyway? I don't know. What What are your thoughts? Well, yeah, you have to for a
00:49:03
purity test, you have to be pretty you have to go pretty deep because yeah, there's so many companies involved,
00:49:10
American companies involved with Saudi Arabia and their commercials come on our television, you know, it's it's not a a
00:49:16
cut and dried simple thing. Exactly. Um they are it's a little blurry and murky, if you
00:49:23
will. what the, you know, one of Trump's early days of how he would was
00:49:28
different, you know, because they talked about the Saudi king or prince who kind of had some an
00:49:35
reporter put into a suitcase. You couldn't really fit in the suitcase except with, you know,
00:49:41
one way. Yeah. And then was that the one where they he went in the Yeah, that's the suitcase. Yeah. Saudi
00:49:48
Arabia was not the smartest. You know, Putin's much better. You put poison on elbow, you walk by guy, you go like
00:49:54
that. Nobody knows, you know, because Trump like, you think we're so good, you think we're angels, you think we never
00:50:00
take for people out, you don't think, you know, and it was very much like, what? You can't say that. So, yeah, we never know what our own people
00:50:06
are doing. I don't know. I mean, sure, I turned down
00:50:12
2 million for 10 minutes, but am I a higher angel? Can I look down on the
00:50:17
ones? No, I didn't. They gave me the offer was 3 million not to go and I said they go to ruin it.
00:50:26
No, the offer they did I did get an offer about this. I for me it was a couple things but I would say also the
00:50:34
Southwest flight there is too much. You have to stop. Yeah. I don't like to fly enough to go halfway around the world. I would just
00:50:39
be curious, do they pay the taxes for you? Oh, I mean is it net
00:50:46
in I think in Dubai there are no taxes but I think if you work over there does the IRS in
00:50:52
America I don't know you maybe you have to live there to get no taxes but I know Canada
00:50:58
a lot of people bristle because it's you double dip you have to pay all these Canadian because I want to go to Toronto
00:51:05
and Vancouver and I do I will but you're going to get hit so you will definitely not make
00:51:10
it's more like let's just do it. It's fun and there's good crowds. I I I love playing Canada, but the last
00:51:17
time I played it was a long time ago because I got threatening letters to my home like I didn't pay tax and I have I
00:51:24
had accountants pay the tax. We have the same guy. I had to pay tax and I have to hire an accountant in
00:51:29
Canada and I have to pay province and I have to pay the whole country and then it's a ride off and then I pay ours
00:51:37
our US. So really that's it. But anyway, love Canada, too. And I will do it. I've
00:51:43
done it. I will. I I shall return. So, no for you on on Chop Chop Square.
00:51:50
That's where they're holding this, which is even more common. Chop Chop Square. Chop Chop Square. I think it's just sort of like weird
00:51:56
that they would call bastardly things going on there. But it is Hookie. It's a hookie name,
00:52:02
right? Um Yeah. The If there's one silver lining, where did you get killed? Chop chop square. like,
00:52:09
"Ah, that's a good name. Should have thought of that." Yeah. I mean, they had comedians back in the Middle Ages. Hey, you going to do
00:52:14
the Itillo the Hun thing? You get like 4,000 horses and 200 dancing women. I
00:52:21
don't know. I I I am I'm not even political. I'm just going to go. I mean, Attilla, I guess when you meet
00:52:27
him, he's kind of a nice guy, but you know, till the comedy fest.
00:52:33
Why? All right. Well, Dana, thanks for coming on. I appreciate you
00:52:38
having me. I want to come on again. Just if you ever have a fallout, let me know. I'll come on. No, I'm serious. I enjoyed this podcast.
00:52:44
I'm not getting around here. Come on, folks. I mean, serious. I'm being serious, folks.
00:52:50
The eyes going down is so funny. What about What about It's a great 38
00:52:56
seconds. That's why I'm introducing the day I
00:53:01
call it now Tony's daily shot. Every time you get every every day you go to
00:53:08
your health care provider and you get a shot. By the time you get to your car, you got no immunity, but it's a
00:53:14
beautiful 39 seconds. There you go. Better with sunglasses.
00:53:20
Let's end on that. It is funny. All right.
00:53:26
Hey guys, if you're loving this podcast, which you are, be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app. Give us a
00:53:33
review, fivestar rating, and maybe even share an episode that you've loved with a friend.
00:53:38
If you're watching this episode on YouTube, please subscribe. We're on video now. Fly on the Walls presented by Odyssey
00:53:45
and executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman, Mattie Sprung Kaiser, and
00:53:52
Leah Reese Dennis of Odyssey. Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman, and the show is produced and edited by Phil Sweet
00:53:59
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00:54:08
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00:54:14
Kourtney, and Lauren Vieiraa. Reach out with us any questions to be asked and answered on the show. You can email us
00:54:21
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