00:00:00
people don't hate on the fade of whatever my haircut's called but they really scout me pretty good well let me
00:00:05
can I ask you a question about that and this is this is this is off the cuff completely unplanned like sure what were
00:00:12
you thinking i mean what what I mean cuz are you in
00:00:18
active litigation with your barber well my dad and this is no joke not getting
00:00:24
around here he'd put a bowl over your head or you know and then he'd shave around the sides and um worked right and
00:00:32
you know it'd go real close right there and u Well what why that's called the fade all the young people is that that's
00:00:39
what you have the fade that's the word I've heard but really it's Yeah I like it a little long in the back it's a
00:00:44
little slightly mlly yeah Heather likes it it's fine i think it's pretty good it's just it's all nice the first day
00:00:50
and now I go on the road i'm actually doing some soft packing right now today
00:00:55
don't don't get me wrong it's a it's a really cute little little cut i mean it's a d it's a darling style on you i I
00:01:03
I I'll say listen it's a mighty cute cut it's a m You know that bit right
00:01:09
did I ever do that in this 80s for you or you just know it from here i know it because me and my friend Jody do it you
00:01:15
can say it well okay so folks this is literally goes back to one of my this is late7s in college and I said that men
00:01:25
men this I don't with the setup certain things men and women are different men and women are
00:01:30
different like a man would never walk up to another man with a new shirt on and
00:01:35
go I gotta say that's a m cute top you got on there something like that right
00:01:41
yeah it's mighty cute top m cute top so even then it was like a catchphrase I'm
00:01:47
king of the catchphrases but I like your wave looks good whatever it's called
00:01:52
fade wave but you know when you were a kid and you got that little bull cut you're not out trying to get some puss
00:01:58
you're not trying to bang bee i mean you're just a kid right so you don't you're not heading to the Golden Globes just get the hair out of the eyes that's
00:02:04
all the parents are saying beef you mean make love to someone you mean make sweet love and intercourse yeah I think that's
00:02:11
what I meant came out wrong well we we would um you know basically we got crew
00:02:17
cuts and my dad would basically shave our heads and we look like biller balls and my mom would come in and go Dana in
00:02:24
the side pocket uh it's the easiest cut to do I guess uh I by the way speaking
00:02:30
of the award shows I saw the AMAs i saw clips you're the one who saw it these this that snuck up on me i didn't know
00:02:37
it was on until eight minutes before and I said "Nah you're gonna do it." Well
00:02:42
the AMAs CMAs AAA towing i mean are there is there any difference i don't
00:02:48
know what they are i don't know which ones mean more mean less straight A's uh double A batteries you
00:02:55
understand the Oakland A's right your turn uh double D's batteries pervert
00:03:02
double A's [ __ ] yeah so uh anyway the AMAs JLo's out there huffing and puffing
00:03:08
and I gotta admit bless her heart miss she has her goddamn pedal to the metal
00:03:13
she does not let off the gas she is 12minute cold opening my god and she always looks
00:03:20
great she looks She looks incredible i don't know if this is true but I read on I don't know where I read it that she
00:03:26
will actually have her assistant chain her to a stairmaster at a 10 so she
00:03:33
won't get off of it cuz Oh a stairmaster not even a treadmill
00:03:41
i'm going back to the 90s man well you know I mean here's here's the thing and this is a kind of a news flash for
00:03:47
people who are still listening at 426 or watching that working out your ass is
00:03:54
the most important thing you can do and women in the gym and certain well I guess I'll just say it gay men and women
00:04:00
would do a lot of glute exercises straight men would go I ain't working mo
00:04:05
no ass and that is the most important muscle group for your back for
00:04:10
everything else so plus girls check out booties too so you know you got to try to give them everything uh I will say
00:04:18
she did the cold opening she hoofed it out you know a little tap
00:04:23
dance little whatever she does looks great and then at the end Oh she kisses a guy dancer then kisses a girl dancer
00:04:30
you got to have a little clickbait that old chestnut and that is click in the box let me write that down yep okay all
00:04:37
right here we are uh oh here we go okay oh that's a good one she got in there
00:04:43
grabbing hair oh okay listen it works madonna did the VMAs that was the first
00:04:50
time I saw two girls kiss i was like "Oh the next level of that is you kiss that
00:04:55
and then you go over and you kiss the cameramen." Oh is that one well mix it up do something kiss the camera maybe
00:05:02
like Right oh I did that as Hans and Fron years ago
00:05:08
oh sorry sorry that That was a cold open to Well we did a It was If Hansen Fran made a
00:05:15
video with candle light and wine and stuff and we're seducing women yeah well
00:05:21
listen my little dumpling and then I was licking the lens i'm not proud of it but Lauren said "Um it wasn't your proudest
00:05:28
moment." Maybe this week a picnic with Hans and Fr you're like "Yep." Anything
00:05:34
with Hans and France is funny it's funny give me the applesauce yeah and if you think you could do it better than me and
00:05:40
eat applesauce with your gummy mouth think again you're a flabby loser you think I use a spork
00:05:48
well it's like these two insecure paranoid schizophrenics having this
00:05:54
cable show with maybe two people watching threatening them for not and if you don't think we're properly pumped up
00:06:00
that was the end i love it so I do like that uh we'll tell you quickly before I
00:06:07
go over your weekend i did nothing spend most of the day and night yesterday going to see Mission Impossible
00:06:16
um was was it as good as the sequel good good good good as good as the prequel is
00:06:23
it good i heard it was good well it's a little bit like it's the eighth one so a
00:06:29
little bit like Fast and Furious do we need eight well it's sort of how can it I don't
00:06:37
want to first of all no spoiler i'm trying not to do spoilers don't do spoilers just I won't when he dies at the beginning
00:06:45
that feels like a spoiler no no you could tell you could tell if you would is not going to die beginning so no the
00:06:52
funny thing is it's AI centric the plot i like the the last one was all about AI
00:06:59
oh it was mhm yeah maybe oh because they kept saying this is a standalone movie
00:07:05
maybe it was supposed to be the second half of that one i don't know i think anyway the crew is back
00:07:12
and his girlfriend is more age appropriate she's only probably 30 years younger this time that's great um anyway
00:07:20
that's funny well Tom Cruz uh you know I don't
00:07:25
know what people do these days but he's got a great mop of hair he looks very
00:07:31
good air is very mopish like it's first of all it has to be it's wind blown in every scene he's on a propeller he's on
00:07:36
a submarine he's it's just getting blown all over and the funny thing is of course I watch because in the new world
00:07:43
you go Tom Cruz he's older than me but I go you know he looks good obviously but
00:07:48
then I go oh he's a little puffy and this then you get in this world of like if he looks a little old you say he
00:07:55
looks old if he looks like better you go he's had work this is you can't win these stars can't win the only way to
00:08:01
win is just go havsies now he's got chestnut brown hair full mop and
00:08:07
chestnut i had a friend uh Gary Prince from New York and you know he would always look at someone in their 60s and
00:08:13
he go give me a wait a minute not one gray hair not one but I don't judge any
00:08:20
of it because look I figured this out last week and I don't know if I told you but you are the product so Tom Cruz Yeah
00:08:27
is he is the product and we want Tom Cruz we don't mind him looking a little older but we don't want Grandpa Cruz so
00:08:34
do the little fillers do a few things just don't look turn into a freak that's David right i think the idea and you're
00:08:41
right about this product thing is you are the product you have to sell yourself you're the Twinkie and Twinkies
00:08:47
always stay the same now if Twinkies look old and beat up you don't want them anymore exactly and Liam Niss at 77 they
00:08:54
put him in an overcoat now I don't like what you're saying all he has to do is go like that and they cut got so Tom
00:09:01
Cruz in a big coat liam Niss's wearing Spanx you know but he's 6'4 yeah go
00:09:08
ahead so Tom Cruz looks good i mean this movie I was comparing it like many of us
00:09:15
to Bus Boys and I was like you could fit three Bus Boys i mean
00:09:21
this movie is long it's so complicated bus Boys we're trying to make it very simple i mean our audience is going to
00:09:27
be 2 to 5year-olds so we're like let's make it the simplest thing we're two bus
00:09:32
boys that want to become waiters straighten out our life that's called a lowbudget comedy they never call it a
00:09:38
lowbudget action adventure with Tom Cruz that doesn't exist dude me getting out
00:09:43
of the car is our only stunt well me going like this
00:09:48
well let me ask you a question yeah we're not going to give away anything no but did you ever say did you go alone to
00:09:54
the movie theater you know you kind of go solo were you with someone i've gone uh in my more Twilight years to the
00:10:01
movies alone if I feel like it i don't really get worried about it but I did go with someone last night yes so was there ever a stunt where he's hanging by his
00:10:08
pinky from the Golden Gate Bridge or whatever he's doing jumping out of a rocket ship did you ever say to yourself
00:10:14
or out loud in the theater "Get the [ __ ] out of here." Yes you did
00:10:20
well when a giant that looks like the peanut Eminem cartoon but it says AI on
00:10:25
it and he's like fighting AI i'm like that seems a little cheap no actually
00:10:31
I'm going to go down Heather here we go i'm switching watch this everybody talk about stunts what does he do what mickey
00:10:37
Rooney just showed up give me some heist so listen tom Thomas Mopathther
00:10:44
Cruz comes out and the movie's a little lengthy we There's a couple things we
00:10:50
don't need i came in a half hour late and I nailed it almost perfectly saw Nicole Kidman come in she still gets a
00:10:57
smattering for that goddamn AMC commercial where she walks yeah by the way there's three
00:11:03
commercials and four 9m minutee long previews let's go let's go well they
00:11:10
picked Nicole Kidman because actually they announced that this week she will not be filming a live streaming show and
00:11:18
it went global so for Netflix that's why she's like enjoy the movies cuz she
00:11:24
hasn't been in a movie theater in a while well actually Baby Girl she did where she go pee pee i go pee peep yeah she
00:11:31
she was on all fours and was licking the milk you know but I mean who doesn't do that they said it was kinky really you
00:11:38
want to see my audition for Baby Girl that's me drinking the milk then I
00:11:43
go I can I go pee pee that's what she says right something
00:11:49
like that well there's a plethora do you remember you went to state school is it kinky there's a plethora of movies with
00:11:56
women of a certain age like say late 40s to early 60s
00:12:02
becoming highly highly erotic and sexualized and Nicole Kidman is is the
00:12:09
queen of that right now and I I commend her she's a great actress very pretty um
00:12:16
she's u great just great in everything she does saw saw her in LA when she was in
00:12:22
SNL saw her in Australia dana oh you can you never told me about that ran into
00:12:30
her smack dab in her hometown and what' you say well well golly gee
00:12:36
Miss Kidman I did pick some wild flowers for you would you not no my friend was
00:12:42
embarrassing what did you What did he do the quick story there's no quick story she was perfectly lovely in SNL i saw a
00:12:49
restaurant once after SNL she said hi to me uh so at least she remembered sort of some of the cast and crew she's cool
00:12:56
very polite yeah so I'm I go to the Jod premiere in Australia but we go the
00:13:02
night before were invited to the Baz Lurman movie you know what is that called where is Baz Lurman yeah that guy
00:13:09
yeah was that called mullen Rouge you did that mulan Rouge yeah it was yeah how did Dana get that before you cuz I
00:13:16
did an event there dana's listening i'm actually listening no no mulan Rouge
00:13:23
so we go and they have every cinema that's what they call it and they have booze there so me and my friend go in
00:13:29
and my friend's you know sort of a super plus one and he's open immediately
00:13:35
wasted he's baked you know he got weed from the bodyguard so Bulan Rouge is
00:13:40
like watching you know sort of a strobe light so it's not exactly for me it's dancing it's fanciful and there's lights
00:13:46
and Yeah and she's in it it's the premiere we go in me and my buddies say
00:13:51
you know I got a feel for it so we go let's go to the bar so we go to the bar
00:13:56
we're coming back no one's in the lobby anymore mhm two bodyguards Nicole Kidman sitting there holding her
00:14:02
shoes and I'm like and he goes "That's Nicole Kidman." I go "Is we walk up and
00:14:09
she's on like a little tiny love seat couch you know and uh the two bodyguards are there and she goes "Um," she goes
00:14:15
"Oh hey." I go "Hey." I go "This movie's great." And she goes "Oh why are you out here?" And I go
00:14:22
popped didn't think there'd be a follow-up question so then blah blah blah and then she goes "Oh why don't you
00:14:28
sit down?" And my buddy sits next to her before I can move my buddy Heather's not
00:14:34
surprised she knows him sits down next to her and I go "Oh." And the bodyguard's like you know they don't know i don't know if they know me they
00:14:40
don't know anything but she's being friendly and this is right after she broke up with Tom Cruz so they're they're you know she's like Lady Diana
00:14:46
down there they loved her oh yeah so bodyguards like this i'm like this waiters like this sharks like this and
00:14:54
so I say blah blah blah and then I Oh I can't even say what I said but it was I was a little What's You can say it on
00:15:01
this podcast i think I said something like "Oh she had a This sounds so
00:15:08
horrible and she'll kill me cuz it was embarrassing to her i'm sure I said something to the apologetically effect
00:15:15
of cuz she had her I think she had what i think she had
00:15:23
slightly barely hairy hairy legs well so she's wearing a a just just
00:15:29
because she's so faint red head i don't know and she said "Oh are you noticing
00:15:35
that my legs are hairy is that not normal?" And I said "Oh I just think you
00:15:41
know I think I joking was like well hey the marketing campaign's back on you got She goes "Oh my god I have to shave my
00:15:47
legs i just shave them I don't know below the knee or whatever it was." And uh I said "Oh yeah
00:15:53
I don't really know for sure all the rules." And then my buddy goes "The whole setup was not that weird except my
00:16:00
buddy leans over and goes "I think you have great legs." Touches from the knee
00:16:05
down to her foot whoa everyone froze the bodyguard's like "Ramjet ramjet eagle
00:16:12
eagle bogey bogey." Wow crazy crazy did someone put hands on your Yeah they go
00:16:19
"Hey sir sir sir." Yeah yeah you can't we were all like "Yeah you can't you don't touch the princess of I've had two
00:16:26
celebrity tapouts and the celebrity tapout is uh like I I'm happy about it."
00:16:32
Like I was at an event and um Julia Roberts was over the way and I I for
00:16:38
some reason I thought I should say hi we were going to do a Shakespeare thing and
00:16:43
uh she's I like celebrity tapouts go ahead just celebrity tap outs so I started to walk over with a big [ __ ]
00:16:48
eating grin and then I saw her kind of look down like that cuz I understood she
00:16:54
didn't want the hey you know I got to say you know when you did this movie or that movie so then later on it's Tom
00:17:03
Hanks's event we'd go there and read Shakespeare and act goofy at a theater and and she was uh so we ended up having
00:17:09
lunch around this big table and she was super cool so I use my trick
00:17:15
that never has failed and I go to the person next to me I can't remember what movie star it was and I said "Have you
00:17:21
ever had a supernatural experience besides meeting me?" And then everyone
00:17:27
goes around and has a everyone goes around with a poltergeist scary story and everyone
00:17:34
gets excited the only one over by himself this is like six movie stars and
00:17:40
me is Keano Reeves seated by himself facing away and we're like come on over
00:17:48
and that guy is the coolest but oh my god but I also had the same thing i was in I don't travel much but I was in
00:17:55
Paris in a cafe in the morning with with my wife and I don't like small town drop
00:18:01
city drop oh here's a here's one you won't expect little little Parisian cafe
00:18:06
late morning guy comes in he turns he sees me and immediately turns away so I
00:18:13
don't know if I'm recognizable in that way but he immediately turned away and then I pivoted and turned away and that
00:18:19
person was guess Gary Oldman Walk Phoenix
00:18:24
good who was the coolest I know y but I didn't want to have small talk with him and he didn't want to have small talk
00:18:30
with me you know so Oh yeah he's cool I'd Waen Bonichio Keanu all those guys are the
00:18:38
cool guys out there i love it love it kiano Reeves is
00:18:43
u Oh god uh I don't think I mean he was Ted i was G we could have been Ted it
00:18:51
was Bill and Ted was he Ted bill and Gar ted bill and Gar and Ted and Wayne that would have be the matchup you know what
00:18:57
that should have been a big Well with chat GBT look for that soon let's look at a clip let's look at clip julie
00:19:06
Roberts huge star by the way uh absolutely okay absolutely an incredibly nice once she saw I wasn't going to be
00:19:13
slobbering on her and fanning out and was regular
00:19:18
[Music]
00:19:25
dane I'm a little bit of a a spendy Suzie if you know what I a a boozy Suzie
00:19:30
and a spendy Suzie i'm more of a boozy Susie but yeah yeah you are you are a spendy spender yeah and a lot of our uh
00:19:37
listeners are nice enough to write in and say "You look like you drank a lot and slept on your face." But that's just
00:19:43
constructive criticism well it's very concise and uh you don't really drink
00:19:48
very much i'll tell the fans but just puffy uh this is where Clara comes in
00:19:54
cla is your everyday smarter spending partner which is what a lot of people need a lot of my friends definitely need
00:20:00
it it allows you to make smarter decisions with your money and it's sometimes good to have a partner like
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that and I'll say it again CLA which I I assume is Swedish clara is your smarter
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everyday spending partner shoppers can use CLA's paying for product to split their purchase into four interest free
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1353190 clara balance account required cla may get a commission limitations
00:21:05
terms and conditions apply i'm just going to do I'm just going to say it
00:21:10
it's a CLA summer i'm still embarrassed my Nicole Kimman story that I told you that and she was part of that disaster
00:21:16
but she was very friendly about it she's told the guys "It's okay it's okay." And then we excused ourselves and slinkedked
00:21:22
since this is a rare live podcast I'm just checking david Spade dishes about
00:21:27
Nicole Kidman's hairy legs hairy legs but she don't even say that she is a
00:21:34
great person so there you go you're fine by the way should we do a live podcast or would that be It doesn't matter i
00:21:40
think it's Let's go to the YouTube comments point we should this is going to be released in 45 minutes so it's
00:21:46
almost live Greg has to do a three-week edit you know I want yeah I don't I don't I don't
00:21:53
think anything gets edited out of our stupid show no our stupid show that's the subtitle so by the way on Amazon
00:22:01
dandelion is still playing yes and uh thank you for bringing it up
00:22:08
and I if I I'm sort of talking with them about a special and The working title is
00:22:14
sticker bush [Laughter] it's not That's the name of an Only Fans
00:22:19
I follow oh yeah that's not exact you know I saw a dandelion today and I filmed it even though no one could give
00:22:26
a fat [ __ ] but I've seen three in a row in a patch of grass you will never
00:22:32
believe this and they are all by themselves there's not any other there's just those i like the white ones i
00:22:38
didn't even know the yellow ones were dandelions just to be honest so I just like the fluffy white ones you know you
00:22:44
blow on them so they sit there very fragile they sit there and I'm like
00:22:50
again I film them i'll put them on my stories but and then everyone will be so excited but let me ask you a question
00:22:56
crazy not crazy does the dandelion as a way of you know having kids and
00:23:02
propagating seeds does it like to be blown on or would it rather have the wind take its stuff who would rather
00:23:09
have straight sex um no i think is that what it does the
00:23:15
seeds go out do I i don't know that's usually about you know in the springtime the wind comes and the flowers go all
00:23:21
over the place and Oh that makes more sense college San Monteo i don't really but I did want to just sing the praises
00:23:29
of Amazon not just because you're on Amazon dandy Lion available right now on
00:23:35
Amazon Prime is why in the [ __ ] is it so easy to receive and send
00:23:42
packages on Amazon compared to FedEx UPS or going to some the GAP site or
00:23:49
anything usps they fight you they you know and I figured it out that
00:23:56
Amazon was sitting around okay we're going to deliver packages all right Wilson what's your idea well I'm saying
00:24:04
this and I'm only going to say it once what is it Wilson we're gonna leave the
00:24:09
packages are you out of your mind we'll put a sticker on the mailbox or on the
00:24:14
gate and then they'll come drive to us and get the package otherwise it'll be stolen some will get stolen but we're
00:24:21
going to make a fortune if we leave the package because they don't fight you and
00:24:27
when you go on on Amazon Prime I sent my brother 20 pounds of peanut brittle for
00:24:34
a [ __ ] 99 and he got it two days later 50th birthday i mean it is so easy to
00:24:40
receive and send [ __ ] on Amazon it's addicted but they are incredibly efficient i agree with you that they
00:24:45
said "Jenkins what do you think we should do what would make a better service?" And he goes "As fast as effing
00:24:52
possible we get them." You know you can order on Amazon i think Heather will vouch at noon and get it by like 5 that
00:24:59
day is that possible Heather yes you get it you can get it you pay but you get it
00:25:04
you pay $200 and get a phone cord but it works yeah during breakfast I realized I forgot my toothbrush and I order it and
00:25:10
I get it it's basically this you go to the post office you deal with the UPS their whole attitude is "What the [ __ ]
00:25:17
do you want?" Yeah get out of With Amazon it's like "Can we help you want to order again that's a really smart
00:25:23
thing ordered 12 hundred bottles of baby oil do you want to see us baby oil well
00:25:30
or whatever you do in your spare time i'm having uh practice freakoffs just
00:25:36
just one case of baby oil just trying to trying to get the beats down see how they work but if you go to FedEx
00:25:43
sometimes Yeah they leave a sticker you have to drive to the middle of nowhere 60 miles away it's just not It's just
00:25:48
And and you when you try to order something online it's not Amazon you put in your credit card info you put
00:25:54
everything and then just red things come up no no no try again [ __ ] uh okay last
00:26:01
thing I'll tell you if that's the last thing you're saying I is I'm worried
00:26:07
about here's a prediction and it's very bold Dana i want to hear it okay I think
00:26:13
you can handle it i'm going to I'm a little parched so Okay take a sip
00:26:19
i feel like because of AI it might be the end of Instagram pretty much in a couple
00:26:25
years and and Only Fans because there's a there's when you go on Instagram what are you really looking at you're looking
00:26:32
at photos mhm they can be you don't know for sure if they're doctorred nope
00:26:37
videos of people doctorred sports news they have you know they have like the
00:26:44
announcers going and this fat [ __ ] comes up to base he throws it out oh [ __ ] man i would have pissed my pants in that you
00:26:50
know and it's the real guy's voice and it's a real scene you don't know and they have newscasters going "Well in
00:26:57
more [ __ ] news today they tell a real story." And you're like "Did they say that?" Like and so it's getting so
00:27:03
blurry it makes me want to look at Instagram less cuz you just you'll send somebody something they go
00:27:09
"Fake dude this guy can't fall that far this truck can't jump like that." and
00:27:14
you go well so it takes the fun out of it well look here let me set the table for you
00:27:21
okay Alphabet i.e google its parent company just released some videos i.e
00:27:28
short films okay this week and they showed them alongside
00:27:34
another AI short film from a year ago it's extraordinary it looks like real
00:27:41
people acting in real movies there is no real people there is no real set there's
00:27:47
card fac it's perfection so very soon if
00:27:53
Bus Boys is a hit for the second Bus Boy movie all you need is to get a prompter
00:28:00
to go with AI and go Bus Boy the sequel
00:28:05
this time Theo Vaughn loses the girl press the button sit down no you say and
00:28:12
you'll have voice too even stupider that's what it's called you You'll
00:28:18
prompt it and then you'll have the movie completely ready to go on on Google or Amazon or in a movie theater and it'll
00:28:26
all be made up by a computer well people care about an AI movie not if they'll
00:28:31
love it if they can't tell any difference that means if we say we went and filmed it
00:28:37
that's a good trick well here here's the deal can we can make Wayne's World 3 and
00:28:44
it'll look just like Mike and I 35 years ago oh I see mhm there might be
00:28:51
something if it's maybe if it's your real voice not AI and Mike wrote it you guys write it so it's has some realistic
00:28:59
realism to it because I don't know if everyone's going to buy just they might it's that's so you know I'm just more
00:29:05
nervous about it because things seem fake everywhere then
00:29:11
well that that definitely you can't believe anything you see and it is terrifying that that they can make digital copies talking and doing obscene
00:29:18
stuff um but the studios I mean the cost of just having the computer make the
00:29:25
movie but it looks just like Mission Impossible you don't have to get the helicopter up in the sky i don't I think
00:29:30
it's kind of inevitable dude tom Cruz does his own stunts you don't even need to with AI i mean he's hanging off this
00:29:37
he's on a biplane he's in a submarine he does some stuff that's so crazy i do see some easy
00:29:44
trims in that movie i'm no expert but if people are fidgeting they do they do go
00:29:50
full length on those movies yeah they they you know what they spend so much they want it all on screen i think that's what happens the thing is is that
00:29:57
the director they have to tamp Tom down because Tom Cruz seems to have no fear
00:30:04
of anything and so he has suggested they had a biplane with a prop and he said "Put the
00:30:10
put the prop plane on get the propeller going full speed i'll put my head down
00:30:15
and I'll sprint into the into the propeller through it." Yeah through the propeller and they explain to him Tom
00:30:21
Tom no the propeller's going to chew up your head and he goes "Come on man it's moving quite fast Tom they do have to
00:30:28
keep Tom under under wraps." He says "What if I have to propeller just trim
00:30:33
me ball hair?"
00:30:38
Why are you like a pirate me ball hair sounds funny and they go Tom is that your
00:30:45
compromise it's your only compromise have they ever suggested a stunt to Tom Cruz where he said "Get the [ __ ] out of
00:30:51
town no way man that's too dangerous i don't think so you know what i'm trying to think of the one they said oh this is
00:30:57
the one he does and I'm like trying to remember from the movie where the one is like "Oh that was crazy." And I'm like I don't even remember where he's walking
00:31:03
on a biplane this has all been in the trailer he's hanging plane he's you know
00:31:08
yada yada yada there's submarine stuff there's cold water mhm uh but I I do
00:31:15
feel like he's like uh I don't know a cartoon character like Marmaduke or something where everything bad keeps
00:31:21
happening to him i don't know what's a good cartoon character because he goes I'm just going to run to this submarine
00:31:27
real quick and then it's like he gets uh you know he's on the biplane he gets a
00:31:33
splinter in his hand from the wing like it's just then he does this and they run out of gas and they it's like you
00:31:40
whatever is in front of him there's nine things that happen everything goes wrong
00:31:45
and you go whatever could go wrong it's wrong and he just goes and goes and goes but I don't know at this point what can
00:31:52
you say i mean we all saw him driving around James Cordon in planes and jumping out of planes and Yeah i just
00:31:58
want to know how to be less afraid of life you know yeah he's not afraid yeah I I'm on like a you know just a regular
00:32:07
Southwest Airlines and I'm kind of sweating he's he's hanging by me so anyway I overall it's it was worth
00:32:15
seeing because all that all that craziness there's a lot of fun to What about Lilo and Stitch [ __ ] them um 300
00:32:23
you know you know what that was harsh that was harsh i don't know i don't know who they are
00:32:29
yeah i don't If I saw Lilo and Stitch at the Golden Globes I wouldn't know who they are
00:32:36
um I would have No no no i I think it's Lilo and Stitch or Lilo and Stitch no
00:32:41
it's all right there's too much content for It's not Yeah because of our age group it's not for me can't see everything i mean you're you're like an
00:32:48
award show guy you're never going to miss the Grammys or the M whatever i mean you're you're like you're you're
00:32:54
glued to the tube when some there's some someone's getting an award i'm glued to the Indies at Con to play at 1 in the
00:33:01
morning with a 45minute standing ovation is there any chance any chance you'll
00:33:08
get nominated for Bus Boys for an Oscar oscar probably not what What could you
00:33:15
get fan favorite probably Rzzy i mean I we're always in
00:33:22
danger of being up for razing anyone in these comedies that people just want to
00:33:29
Yeah I don't I don't Is that a word all right let's get to the hot stories we're
00:33:36
really wasting everyone's time they're just doing their dishes right now it's a
00:33:41
little pressure i just like this title i don't know what this is about i like it already the human body is not meant to
00:33:47
piss every day toilets have made our bladder soft the human body is not meant
00:33:53
to piss should be able to piss up to 30 feet what the [ __ ] is this
00:33:59
ai faster the distance is met the healthier your your urinary tract is let
00:34:05
me write that down because I'm going to uh type it into a post later the faster the distance is met the healthier your
00:34:12
urinary tract is that's exactly right it's kind of like a larynx expound on that have you ever seen a healthy larynx
00:34:18
i've seen scans when you're looking at a scan of a healthy larynx sound is coming
00:34:24
out you can measure sound you in terms of how hard it's
00:34:29
um All right i like the guy that write writes "I'm trying to get mine to 35
00:34:34
ft." Dude mine barely makes the commode the commode is that the bathroom yeah i
00:34:41
don't know to think if I ever did any kind of urinary Have you gone all day without peeing never
00:34:49
um I Well nope unhealthy unhealthy
00:34:54
we go you're defeated you go Well we talked about that if you have surgery you come out of surgery it doesn't have
00:35:00
to be major surgery then you either have at a certain point they they say you got
00:35:07
to pee or I'm going to have to cal you so yeah it's like a pencil they go "What
00:35:13
is bigger than where it's going?" A full pencil okay let's get that size oh my
00:35:18
god then the nurse and two guys from Game of Thrones ram it into my wiener yeah
00:35:25
i never heard you scream oh Heather said she has never heard me scream that loud as in the room she was down the hall and
00:35:34
when the nurse goes "Okay you woke up from your hernia you're all good you made it now the part
00:35:41
I don't like to tell you about see this looks like a slim gym we're going to ram
00:35:48
this i go "Why are you waiting i was asleep for 5 hours you wake me up for
00:35:54
the worst pain of my life." And then she does it and I was
00:35:59
like Richard Beller said he took his cat in and the guy had to check his butt so
00:36:05
the doctor takes his huge finger and rams up the cat's ass and the cat goes
00:36:10
[Laughter] meow okay Heather you okay when this
00:36:18
fake story about a cat Heather's mad about that whatever happens to me with a doctor any kind of checkup or anything I
00:36:24
say "Yeah let's do it let's do it." Any kind of anything I do that that would be embarrassing I always go the opposite
00:36:31
there's men are too embarrassed and I go get let's do it let's go for it so go
00:36:36
you have to whack off into this uh glass for a sample i go leave the door open where you going exactly where you going
00:36:43
mhm and they want you to give a urine sample and go if you got a bigger cup doc you know
00:36:49
[Laughter] um Lord's preserves yeah i used to do
00:36:55
this bit of uh this is kind of in the the general area a bit I dropped because it's kind of blue for me you know ears
00:37:02
nose and throat it's kind of specific you know what do you do here i do ears I nose and throat anything else no it's
00:37:08
just ears nose and throat and then next door is a guy with a shingle he's a doctor goes toes balls and ass that's
00:37:14
all he does toes balls and ass just three things david shoulders nips and
00:37:22
pubes i was waiting for And that was a good one something is funny ears nose
00:37:28
and throat you know can you can you can you help me with my my uh my no nope i'm
00:37:33
just ears nose nothing about it nothing with the ear i go ears nose and throat
00:37:38
what about the eyes get the Get your eyes don't even know how they work don't have no idea i have a pain in my No ears
00:37:44
nose and throat mhm all right next story next story we got that one good we got
00:37:49
that one good it's got to be the craziest road rage I've ever seen so she walks up road rage here you go Heather
00:37:54
pulls up her dress and diarrhea all over her face what
00:38:00
walks back i like the term diarrhea smiles for the camera did she just diarrhea on my car yeah how can you just
00:38:07
diarrhea on command like that that is hot when kestered ready to go for anyone who pops off wherever her destination is
00:38:13
she's showing up on an empty tank oh really
00:38:20
i don't think we should be allowed to show videos that are that sexy i don't think it's fair dude is this Only Fans
00:38:27
what are we watching that's a keeper that's a keeper you want a girl that can diarrhea when you're mad at someone hey
00:38:34
go diarrhea on them um well we've covered urine and feces i
00:38:40
don't know what uh Look at We work a little blue this week it's fine we're It's an adult show we're not making up
00:38:47
this happened out in the world so we're just reporting the news i'd say it's um Don't hate the play or hate the game mhm
00:38:54
okay okay monkey look at Monkeyy's the dog oh and he paints
00:39:01
monkey a one-of-a-kind artist who also happens to be a Belgian Malin Craigslist puppy monkey has
00:39:08
achieved fame not only for his trick roles but for his extraordinary jump in a puddle as a painter under his nose
00:39:18
[ __ ] off monkey there's no way creating artwork that is true monkey you lying piece of [ __ ] abstract pieces are
00:39:24
dynamic and expressive he's spinning his head around energy while maybe that one there's not that one there's not that
00:39:31
one i can't do that and precision no now they got a little funny making each creation a It's not even AI it's faker
00:39:38
monkey is the only dog in the world capable of producing artwork monkey is
00:39:43
so has captured the heart of many setting him apart as a trailblazer in
00:39:48
the world of canine creativity unless you have a lot of paintings way to go
00:39:54
monkey way to go it looks like your art a little bit what you mean like a monkey
00:39:59
could do it or a dog no you have artwork yes I do maybe I'll share it with the
00:40:04
audience let's show it next week cuz I said I wanted one for my house in a long time ago i know cuz I thought it was
00:40:10
quite good and then uh remember it wasn't it wasn't monkey good but it was I called you when you um and asked you
00:40:17
to still want some of my artwork and I guess you just had a bag of Cheetos or something like I couldn't so I just hung up oh
00:40:25
yeah but I did want it still you know it doesn't You have some great stuff in
00:40:30
your home but it's not valuable i mean it's not valuable yours no I'm just
00:40:36
saying you know no you have nice Oh yeah no mine's trash but it's not something
00:40:41
for the walls it comes with the house i keep it yeah photos and stuff like that mhm okay we
00:40:48
realize we all agree both judges agree that Monkeyy's trying to [ __ ] everyone uh I thought it was a very
00:40:53
funny well done parody of a dog that could actually paint i think they were serious though that's the sad part
00:41:00
really I think it was a a joke and they did put the brush in the in the dog's
00:41:05
face and have it go like that a little bit you know but do they go like this up close it's really good then they show him in his mouth he's
00:41:12
like doesn't know anything monkey go spinning his head around look dog people
00:41:20
always want their dogs to be human of course you know and that's just the fun of it they're like you know like didn't
00:41:26
Oprah say it's just as profound as having a kid good getting a puppy how
00:41:32
would you like to be a dog named after another animal that's embarrassing
00:41:37
oh so it's a dog and it's they called it monkey that is kind of cruel it's kind
00:41:42
of rude actually i would have called it Yes go ahead i would have even if you
00:41:48
call it Jack or something now you're like "Oh you're like a human to me you're like a friend." If I had a
00:41:54
beautiful golden lab I'd call it larvi
00:42:01
that's one of the top names try to stop monkey larvai larae
00:42:06
larvae i may get a dog soon but I'm I'll wait
00:42:12
till I because I I really do love dogs they're uppers i mean they're just like excited
00:42:19
and stuff my friend got a little baby beagle would you ever do a beagle with a
00:42:24
big floppy ears are sort of cute beagles are actually badass it's like beagles will go on your property look at a
00:42:32
gopher hole and and stand over it with it just and stand for hours not moving
00:42:38
wait till a gopher comes and so they're actually really really cool you can do
00:42:44
stuff with them you know i know a girl that can come over if you have a gopher hole and then she'll squirt diarrhea in
00:42:50
it is there no end to this scatological I Well it was one of the hot news
00:42:56
stories i know well look I did my toes balls and ass doctor so I I can't I
00:43:02
can't I'm not going to judge you you're a comedian no one's blaming you i'm the one that's filthy you're on this you're
00:43:09
good um I'm not a prude about it i'm trying to My what your favorite
00:43:14
scatological joke no I can't say that but I don't know
00:43:19
that one yeah yeah i don't know i'm not that dirty my act is My act is probably R-rated but it's not really a No it's
00:43:25
just not it's not blue not even close no no all right next next one let's see
00:43:30
what we got anything fun [Music]
00:43:42
mhm a closer look for you okay basketball oh this is how bad
00:43:47
basketball's getting what is this oh it's like a foul or
00:43:53
something oh they all fighting
00:44:00
it's a It's the beginning of a melee now they're just p Who is she she's Oh a mom
00:44:06
punches him oh a mom started that fight
00:44:14
oh oh the mom comes and tries to take out Jack Harlo whoever that kid
00:44:19
is wow i do not want to get beat up by a mom but which one was mom number 12
00:44:24
Weber was that all the crowds this weekend what's that the car that drove
00:44:30
like hit a bunch of people this week oh oh and show that one i think it's a
00:44:36
little too rough yeah it's bad well that's a dark Yeah yeah a little dark but uh
00:44:43
Yeah it's all right i mean listen the news is out there we're trying to protect America from the real news all
00:44:48
our listeners right we're just giving them little blibs and blabs yeah we want you to when you click off on this we
00:44:54
don't want you to go we want you to go "That was fun." Yeah even though we do
00:45:00
break that rule sometimes okay next one let's see let's see
00:45:06
oh this is me when I'm angry and old it's a cat one watch oh another cat okay
00:45:21
that's it [Music]
00:45:27
what was that was that slow motion or something i like it he goes he
00:45:36
goes "That's you at a singles bar going up to a [Music] woman." I go "Hey good look good
00:45:45
looking cat cats are gnarly in that way you know okay same weight class cat
00:45:52
versus dog who wins
00:45:57
i say cat because it's got the claws and the teeth and the energy they go they're
00:46:03
so fast they go crazy and they're all They're all kind of pent up and mad at all times
00:46:10
well I I had a I look at Heather to get a reaction she
00:46:15
goes like this she's the great cat defender um yeah we
00:46:23
had a cat named Boots it was uh Oh right your stupid cat what was the joke he
00:46:28
said cuz he had fur on his Well cat Boots would you know when you're a kid and the cat would find its way to your
00:46:33
bed i was on a bunk bed and get up and it would sit on my chest and its face would be looking right at me and it
00:46:39
would be purring and kneading my chest and
00:46:46
purring and I'm looking at the cat in the eyes and I'm like I'm going is this cat getting off on this i know i think
00:46:53
they are that was my joke you'd say that i thought you said boots because he had
00:46:58
white on his feet or something oh no boots had Yeah we called him boots because of that because he had white
00:47:04
white you know but this is the one clever kids the one I wanted to tell you was my cousin who has dogs loves dogs
00:47:10
he's a really strong guy he's a palter and he always said well basically don't be afraid of a dog because all it is is
00:47:17
a mouth that's it just a mouth so a dog a big dog came running at him and he was
00:47:24
going out for a run he grabbed it and picked it up and threw it over a fence
00:47:31
didn't hurt the dog so the dog is I next thing it knows it's on the other side of the
00:47:38
fence just so remember don't be afraid just pick the dog up surprise it pick it
00:47:44
up and throw it over a fence if you're strong if you're strong
00:47:50
[Music]
00:47:57
do you know Dana when I'm on a plane I I always wonder How long am I allowed to talk to
00:48:03
somebody's baby you know what I mean before it gets weird like I get about three questions i go "Hi it's one." Then
00:48:11
I go "What's your name?" Then they tell me and then I go "How old are
00:48:16
you?" And then after that I go "What's your snap?"
00:48:22
Wait a minute is that a baby that you're talking about a toddler then no I'm talking about like you just see Let's
00:48:27
say you see like like an 18-year-old a 2-year-old cute and you're like "So cute
00:48:34
aren't you cute?" Then that's how far you get you can't go "No you're really cute." You
00:48:41
can't change your voice you have to keep it like this so cute mhm you can't go
00:48:46
really cute good-looking actually I know they even the baby or the toddler seems
00:48:54
patronized you're like "Yeah you know you want some candy or something?" They just They look at you like they're like
00:49:00
"There's a creepy old I'm three not two." Mhm we're trying to talk look at
00:49:05
this ding in my nose can you see that ding it's fine i can fix it won't Mostly
00:49:11
won't you Oh you have a little nose issue okay we're going to talk about that next week mostly say to the parent
00:49:18
right adorable right you know oh adorable really a cute kid you got to
00:49:25
keep it light like "Aren't you a cutie?" You can't go "Aren't you a cutie?" They
00:49:31
go "Okay well you know I have this little anxiety about flying but I am getting better." Okay but but maybe five
00:49:39
years ago there's a baby behind me and we're going down and the baby's starting
00:49:45
to cry and we're about to take off and it was kind of rough weather so I'm feeling really anxious so the baby's
00:49:52
screaming was an actual soundtrack of what was inside my head so it's
00:50:01
like I have sound effects too i like that
00:50:07
one and I'm thinking the same thing people are going to shut that baby up and go I'm just not screaming but that's
00:50:12
what's inside my head that's what it's like you're not a great flyer but uh you
00:50:18
get through it oh still going thumbnail thumbnail
00:50:23
alert whoops all right well I think in hindsight in summary Dana we did a good
00:50:29
job we gave him a high quality show i think it was good it's just two friends talking uh maybe it wasn't our funniest
00:50:37
it wasn't our darkest it wasn't our funniest this is episode it could have been our greatest podcast we try not to
00:50:44
judge you know it's episode 1,00 and 100 million mhm yeah don't be all right so
00:50:52
we'll see everybody next week I guess uh next week we've got a doozy andor a
00:50:58
humdinger planned for you oh my god Heather's already here with us all right I'm going to jump off dana just give me
00:51:04
three steps okay this has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly is executive produced
00:51:11
by Dana Carvey and David Spade Jenna Weiss Burman of Odyssey Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman hope you liked it
00:51:21
[Music]