00:00:00
Dana, it's so good to see you. Quickly, I have to tell you the greatest story in the world. Ah, great.
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If you have time, don't fast forward. I'm excited already. You can see I'm just stretching. Okay. It all started before I get to the
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best unreal story you've ever heard. You never exaggerate or,
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you know, kind of This is a new thing where we start by exaggerating. Okay. So,
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I was on the road and on the road. On the road. We know. We know. Spade, you were on the goddamn road. But
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I leave my I'm with Tommy Farley. He's uh Chris's nephew. He's with me helping out anyway.
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Oh, I remember Tommy. Yeah, he's an actor here in town. Yeah. So, we go we're going we're going to the gig. I forget something. It's the
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second night. You know, when you go hotel to hotel. So, I'm in Jacksonville
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and if someone hears us, they'll laugh. So, I go back. I go I got to run back to my room. So I run up and I leave my door
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cracked sometimes when I run around in the hotel because I forget my keys sometimes. So yeah. Yeah. I get back and I'm like, "Oh
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my god, I cracked my door again." But I was leaving for the night. So I go, "That's so stupid." So I go in
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and I can't I'm looking around going, "Where's my bag? Where's my And the bed's messy." And you know, of course, I
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realize this is not my room. I'm not in my room. I'm in someone's room.
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I've had that has a messy bed. Same room as mine. And I'm like, it's just such a weird feeling. I go, "Oh my god, am I what am I doing?
00:01:29
There's a wall right here. Oh [ __ ] this isn't my room." And then I
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don't know if someone's in the bathroom. If they walk out, I'm terrified. So then
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I just sprinted out without anything happening. But then I obviously shut the
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door and ran. And uh either I locked them out or they were in the bathroom,
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right? How weird though if I they would have walked out and saw someone in there. A lot of hotel stuff's like that. I've
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I've walked in the wrong room and done the wrong but you know I have to say that was the
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best story of the year. Um well maybe I hyped it too much because stream
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it too. Spade walks into wrong room and then walks out of wrong room. Five
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stars. Five stars. Uh clip it. Send it out. What about this? Here's another
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really riveting part of it. Okay, that one. You're not going to top that. No. I get back on the elevator and I
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realize I hit 11 because I was in 11 the night before and just by wrote I went,
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"Do you just hit 11?" Oh, so you figured it out? Yeah. I was in two hotels.
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Oh, yeah. What did you do on the break? No. a a woman who's my wife's sister
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named Neve was getting married. Okay. And she would laugh at this. It was her third marriage. Um she's adorable. So I
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was going to fly out. So Paula is This is more informational than laughs a minute because it's Paula's going to fly
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with her mom um who's 93 or four. And
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I was so I went in reconoided. I went in the day early. So that flight was kind
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of interesting cuz I hate I don't like to get to the airport at the end. You like to be like OJ in the Herz rent a
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car things like hurdling things. So you like to sprint. There were some really out of shape people in my two flights
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like getting by getting by. Really should not be trying to run actually running well north of 60 kind of overweight but
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sprinting like a slow motion. So anyway so I got to the airport and it was delayed three hours. So that was
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kind Oh, and you were rotting at LAX. No, I was in a small metro airport.
00:03:48
Oh, we're not saying what. Okay. And I walked up and down and up and down. And if I have the baseball cap on
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and I change my lower jaw, they either think I'm Mickey Roor or
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something. But yeah, no one everyone's so busy at the airport sometimes they don't even pay attention. So you probably take this plane. I've
00:04:07
been flying Boeings recently, I think. Cuz when you go on an Airbus, it takes off and it sounds like the engine is
00:04:15
literally an oversized lawn mower and it's really working hard cuz you're going down, it's a giant, you know, it's
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200 people takes off. You've heard the sound.
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You know that sounding? It's really And you're like, "This isn't is this normal?"
00:04:32
Yeah. Is this and then when and then it always in one minute I know it but it downshifts the first time you hear it's
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like you're just taken right off the car mat and then it goes
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right like it gave up you know and the kind of drops a little bit scary.
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You feel like Yeah. You feel like maybe the guy dropped the [ __ ] or something. Yeah. So I got there a day early.
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There's a hotel attached to the Denver airport. You just go right through the terminal into the hotel.
00:05:04
No, I like that actually. Which is pretty cool. So the whole day I get there, I got to pick up the rent a car, learn how to drive around the
00:05:11
largest airport in the world. Literally pretty much. You're driving? Well, I'm getting to rent a car so I can
00:05:18
pick up my wife and mother-in-law at the curb the next day. And I'm sure you've
00:05:24
dealt with this. All the directions. How do you get to the rent a car? Well, you know, it's so vague. You go out the
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biggest airport, Denver. It's such a cluster. You go out. So, I still was never totally sure I was going to make
00:05:38
it, but I did a test run. The next day, they come in and they're at the curb.
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Oh, you did a test run. I did a test run, but I still at the last second of my east, west, south,
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they said, "Well, go to the cell phone place." So there's a place 10 miles away
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and everyone's in there looking at looking at their cell phones cuz you can't wait at the gate. So they're all
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just in there and then all of a sudden they start moving. I'm like, "Holy [ __ ] I got to go." So then I followed them and we made it and then we checked into
00:06:07
a Best Western. Dana James Carvey. Well, let me put it this
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way. If if anything says best, you expect some kind of best.
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That's the best hotel. So my my mother-in-law Ann, by the way, her whole house flooded. There's
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carpenters everywhere. Kitchen floor will be replaced. So she's coming from a random flood that flooded the
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downstairs, blah blah blah. So I go get them and we go to the Best Western.
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Now I go into my room. You could say paper thin, whatever you do. But there
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was a guy next to me when I tried to go to sleep that apparently uh was throwing up from drinking too
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much alcohol. Sure. So it was 10 minutes of
00:06:59
it. I felt like he was in the room with me. So I'm trying Neverland. But I realized
00:07:06
my pillow was like I don't know if you could ever get a rubber pillow like her monster could sleep on it but not a
00:07:11
regular human. like it doesn't go down at all. You have a sensitive neck, right? Yeah. So, it's like 10:00, but Target is open.
00:07:19
So, Paul and I go over to get me a $2 pillow to see if that'll work for me.
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And so, the next morning, I get up, but my mother-in-law an her room is flooded
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and has a sewage component. She came from the flood into a flood. She came from the flood into another
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flood. So, we're like, we called an audible. We didn't try to switch rooms, anything. Paula said, "We got we gotta
00:07:44
go. We got to get out of here." Even though all the wedding party like 40 people are at the hotel. So, we went
00:07:49
over to the Hilton. We go. This is awesome. Big atrium. The guy's checking. Okay, let me see. I
00:07:56
think I have no Oh, we have 100. This is quoting. We have 125 people checking in
00:08:03
in two hours. I got one room. We're not going to share it. Then we went to a place called the
00:08:09
Armstrong and that was cool. So So it's obviously not a huge metropolis
00:08:15
you're in. It's not Denver. Exactly. So you have to kind of get a smaller hotel.
00:08:20
I was Elvis in Fort Collins. I have never been recognized. I don't
00:08:25
want to be starruck but party on. You know, I mean I'm not normally like that. I've seen you put in an No one goes to
00:08:32
Fort Colin. So I'm Elvis for the entire weekend. I can't hide. Hey man, you know, I'm I'm a little starruck. I don't
00:08:40
really know what to say to you, but anyway, we had a wedding of 4 days.
00:08:46
Oo, we had dinners. We had breakfast. We had pick You want to go to the makeup pick the flowers thing? No, I think I'll
00:08:52
tap out on that. Oh, you got an itinerary. You can pick things. Yeah, you could kind of go. Paula was going. So, anyway, the wedding happened
00:08:59
out in the middle of nowhere. You drive like roads, roads, then dirt roads, dirt roads to a abandoned lake with a wreck
00:09:06
room and where they film Chainsaw Massacre. And we're out there pre-wedding. Guess
00:09:13
what? Leak, toilet backed up, sewage problems,
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water flooding in the little wreck room area where the big table. What's happening? We got a guy a guy comes and is snaking
00:09:26
the thing while the wedding's going on. the wedding it the guy's playing an obo or something like these it was like Ken
00:09:32
Burns kind of stuff really and the weather got incredibly dramatic so the vows were mature vows
00:09:39
these people are have lived you know and they're very emotional but the cool part was the groom Jeffrey wrote a poem about
00:09:48
Neve it was very beautiful and then with his friend he made a song out of it with
00:09:54
AI so [ __ ] it worked its way and beautiful singer. A lot of people who
00:10:00
was singing that song a lot of seniors there. That was AI. Well, what do you mean AI?
00:10:07
Dag nab it. That sounds just like a real song. Like a witch.
00:10:13
So then the bathroom was out. So you had to do a hike up a you had to go to this. It's a
00:10:19
deliverance vibe. There's this house up the block that'll let us use her bathroom and a woman on a swing. What
00:10:25
are you doing here? You know, there's a guitar laying down on the carpet, toys everywhere, a junk dog. Everything is So
00:10:33
anyway, it was great. And on the way back, my mother-in-law needed a wheelchair through the airport. Never
00:10:39
went through an airport like that because we were with her. We just went, we were king. Cut through like butter. Did you get on
00:10:46
a cart? No. We just followed that wheelchair, man.
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Beep beep. Sometimes they pull a cart up and I say, "No thanks. I want to walk it. I need steps.
00:10:58
I don't know if anything Well, I could go on more, but that's kind of that's the general gist.
00:11:03
Is that the long and short of it? I like vows where they're like on the third
00:11:08
marriage going, "Hey, let's just see what happens. Let's let's let's try it out." Well, this was so emotional. It's kind
00:11:15
of like they finally checked off all the boxes on the person they had, you know? Good, good, good. Like, you're I want someone who's like
00:11:22
this and like that. And so it was I I'm tear up easily. Of course I do. I was
00:11:28
cuz you know I've known Neve. I've known Paula's sister since she's 6 years old.
00:11:34
And I was the funny boyfriend that came around you know and so we had this thing where I had a Volkswagen Bug and she
00:11:41
would sit on my lap and drive the car. This is in the late '7s.
00:11:46
And then if we saw a motorcycle guy with a helmet on, I'd say bubblehead 2:00.
00:11:52
And then you press the button that sprayed the water on the actual windshield. It just pretend that you're
00:11:58
actually somehow spraying the bubble head. She never forgot that. Sitting on my lap driving bubble head to
00:12:05
Did they ever have the courtesy during their vows to say, "How about a round of applause for Dana Carver is here?"
00:12:12
Well, there was. Does anyone else want to speak? Right. Oh, yeah. There you go. You got time to do a set and
00:12:18
h No, but then I thought I don't want I want this to be their day. I don't want to get up and start, you know, nah.
00:12:25
Yeah. And everyone's like this. But it was very emotional. It was it was sweet and you know it is mature. I do
00:12:33
think you know getting married in that age group. Maybe you are a little more
00:12:38
picky or just kind of Well, you probably sync up more than when you were 24 or something cuz
00:12:45
everyone changes so much in their life and then by that point they probably it's fun to find someone a little later.
00:12:52
You go, "Hey, I have someone to roll with." It's Yeah. And I I really like the uh the
00:12:58
groom and then you can't help but you're there and you're a husband and then you're hearing
00:13:03
compliments about him. You go, "Geez, do I qualify for that?" You always you're always there for me. You protect me. You
00:13:09
take care of me. She's just darting her eyes going, "Oh, boy." Paula is already She's already yawning.
00:13:16
She's like, "Oh, you can get all those things and and you do this and you do that and do that." And I'm like, "Uh, we're so
00:13:23
Everyone was shocked that we've been married 42 years cuz there's like 14 divorces between the two families and
00:13:29
they were all there literally." And they're like, "What? Did I hear that right?"
00:13:34
No. Everyone is shocked, but you know, I've met Paula and she's so cool that I could I could see it.
00:13:41
I could see it. Interesting. I could see how you guys get along and you both very mature
00:13:48
and you have a good thing going, which is not what everyone has going. Well, in the end of the day, I think
00:13:54
someone said this recently, who are you going to watch TV with, right? Marry that person.
00:14:01
That's actually what it ultimately boils down to is hanging out.
00:14:08
All right, I have some more superficial stuff to talk about. That was nice though. I do cry at that. I cry at
00:14:13
commercials. I cry anywhere. Uh this is I tear up. Oh, Heather, by the way, that we should
00:14:19
do that Liam Niss video. Do you have it in there anywhere or do Only I have it?
00:14:25
I have it. Well, you have it. I have it, too. Just send it while I'm doing this. We'll get to it. I'd like to see that cuz the
00:14:31
whole who's his new girlfriend from Baywatch? Pamela. I've had people say to me that's not
00:14:36
real, is it? I don't know. I know. It's very believable. It's funny cuz I knew Pamela in the old
00:14:42
days. I don't talk to her anymore and I can't find her. Her old number doesn't work. And I'm like, we should have her on. And she's got a movie out. I think
00:14:50
we should have her on. She's great. She's super upbeat, fun, but she's got great voice. She'd be fun to have on,
00:14:56
but we'll see. Uh, Heather's going to send that in. In the meantime, someone asked me this weekend two little trivia
00:15:03
questions. One, they saw a Joe Dirt screening. They told Heather, you know,
00:15:10
when you screen a movie first. Yeah, of course. And you know, in the movie, Dana, I don't want to give it all the way, but I
00:15:16
look I'm looking for my parents. And I I've seen it 11 times. It's
00:15:21
embarrassing to say that. It's embarrassing. You've seen it too much. I actually think it's it's a sleeper when
00:15:27
the clips I've seen of it and I go yeah there's just a fun I see why it's lasted there's such a
00:15:33
gentle fun silly and yeah it's got some crunchy moments word packages and so you know
00:15:40
like you said in movies I always remember the quirky throwaways the weird little bits and it has has a measure of
00:15:46
that and I am not sarcastic and I'm actually a genuine person which is I know I couldn't believe it when I saw
00:15:52
it what happened to the funny guy I totally I'm a nice guy that gets pushed around and people start to feel for you.
00:15:58
the parents were pa were played with uh by Gary Buucy and Roseanne and I for I
00:16:04
didn't forget that but I forgot the day they shot Fred Wolf the other writer
00:16:09
didn't come in and I was like he's I think he said he was sick but I'm like you cannot leave me alone with Gary
00:16:16
Buucy going I got a line change I spoonfed Eisenhower you know he says like all these crazy
00:16:21
oh one of those guys he talks like Charles Manson or something was my cousin Yeah, he just
00:16:28
goes and he can he can talk in a run-on sentence for maybe 15 minutes. So, he's
00:16:34
pitching me ideas and Roseanne, who I know better and well,
00:16:40
wasn't as big of wasn't really a problem. Just she's a comedian. So, she goes, I might change this fine.
00:16:47
So, we do it, but it's such hurting cats because there's so much going on in that scene anyway. It's a very crux of the
00:16:54
movie. And so, we do it. we and every take is different and and Gary's saying so many things. He was in Black Sheep so
00:17:00
I know him a little bit and he's definitely funny. It was just hard to wrangle him to get my cues from my lines
00:17:06
or Roseanne. So anyway, we showed at a screening and I remember Sandler saying
00:17:12
movie's great. It got laughs all the way through. We have to change the parents
00:17:18
because it is the one thing that didn't quite work. So we went and reshot which
00:17:23
is very normal for movies. I think they were. They weren't in the movie. We went and re-shot it. That's why it's funny.
00:17:28
Someone saw it with Rosanne. I go, "How would you see it with her? I thought we cut it before we
00:17:34
I thought they were You said they were in it. I wasn't misremembering." So, who were the parents? We had Fred Ward and
00:17:43
this woman, both character actors that were good, but it was we decided not to steal focus with uh stars, just have
00:17:50
them regular parents, regular scene because it's kind of emotional scene. because they don't really like me. Um
00:17:56
anyway, weird, huh, that Roseanne and Gary Buucy were the parents. I had a weird thing once I was doing
00:18:01
Master of Disguise. I was so happy to get Robert Loa
00:18:06
because of Big and and all that like he would be house.
00:18:11
Yeah, he'd be he'd be the grandfather and stuff. And then so at the read through afterwards, you know, they said
00:18:18
uh the accent's too shaky. You know, he's supposed to do Italian accent, you know. Uh oh, what happened then? Oh,
00:18:26
it's too shaky. So, it was kind of torturous because I But I think he got
00:18:31
his full payment and he went to Italy. Oh, who dropped the hammer? You no read through?
00:18:38
I think Jack Jackuto, but only well intended. I mean, he did.
00:18:44
Everyone loved Robert. It was just sort of maybe it's not quite, but you know, the movie was so goofy. I think Barbara
00:18:51
Stryand was really cool. She visited the set. Oh, and James Brolan was playing.
00:18:57
Oh, he's in it. He's in it, too. And he's doing an Italian accent. I'm doing Italian. And she she Barbara said very gently and
00:19:06
nicely, she goes, I just um I don't understand why the accents are all so
00:19:11
different. I mean, shouldn't they sort of be kind of the same? And by the way, when I met her, I had full prosthetic.
00:19:18
You couldn't even see me. It was just cuz the timing of Robert Shaw from Jaws with the shark go in the water. So I'm
00:19:25
casually talking to her as Dana looking exactly like Robert Shaw from Jaws.
00:19:30
Shark go shark go in the water and come to the set. Oh shall leave the
00:19:38
set. So anyway movies are movies are like that. I'm obviously Gary Buuc is
00:19:43
brilliant. Roseanne Bar is hysterical. So there is some reason maybe they were
00:19:49
Yeah, this happens a lot or Yeah, I don't know if I've been replaced on stuff, but it can happen. It just like
00:19:54
you said, Italian accents awful, but like all three of you are from obviously different parts of Italy. You should
00:20:00
have explained to Barbara Sten. I there's so many things that are off on
00:20:05
the movie that it was put together with scotch tape and hope. I mean, but I I
00:20:11
still like this scene. I know you haven't seen it, but uh I like stuff like this, but it doesn't even make
00:20:17
sense. Like Pistachio is an Italian waiter. He's got all this spaghetti in these plays. Yes, I bring a spaghetti.
00:20:23
Here I go. And there's a table of five. And then he he falls out of frame and
00:20:29
then you see fake legs kick up behind to make it really seem like it. Like one, two, three, throw the legs up that look
00:20:35
like his shoes. And then I'm on the table and you cut and everyone's like a cartoon. So the
00:20:41
entire party that was just normal people, they're all covered in spaghetti,
00:20:46
but they're not moving. They're like It's like a cartoon. They're just they're just sitting there stunned,
00:20:52
covered head to toe in spaghetti. So I'm crawling across the table and I take a
00:20:57
napkin and I'm trying to clean the guy's glasses. I clean I and then we have a shot from
00:21:04
inside of it blurry. So have you going like Yeah. So it could have been a a great
00:21:10
move. We made 100 million with video. It doesn't matter. I didn't get the hundred million. Those are funny scenes. I mean, every
00:21:17
silliness if you're doing it, there's going to be a couple funny scenes. There just has to be.
00:21:23
And also, I think I I believe it's it's pretty trit right now, but a big silly
00:21:29
funny comedy. I think that, you know, um Liam Niss, I haven't seen it yet, but
00:21:35
it's it's and yeah, Nick Gun. So that's kind of good to me if it's just
00:21:40
Oh, here's a video. Oh, let's give Okay. Okay. Well,
00:21:45
someone spray paint. I'm driving along. The setup is I go there's someone should draw a dick
00:21:52
and someone literally walks up while I'm driving by and draws a dick on it. So you and then that guy did.
00:21:58
Jody said it. Jody said it. Yeah. So this guy just happens to
00:22:05
I was there to verify that is exactly what happened. Yeah. Heather says exactly what happened. We w we're driving by and
00:22:10
we're like look at his legs. How funny. And Jody goes, "Someone should draw a dick." And this guy just casually walks
00:22:16
up. I don't need I don't need the hair on the balls, but um I think it looks like a nose.
00:22:21
It looks like more of a bar chair or something. I'm not sure. I'm not going barer.
00:22:28
And uh we caught this vandal in the act. Forgot to report him, but uh so anyway,
00:22:37
that's an actually cool. It's funny that we caught that. It was crazy. It was [ __ ] crazy, D.
00:22:43
It was [ __ ] nuts. You you uh you manifested it. Yes. Yeah. Manifesto. So, you were mentioning
00:22:50
Jack in Happy Gilmore. Jack is in Happy Gilmore, one of the announcers.
00:22:55
You just mentioned he's a producer with Adam. Anyway, he's back in Happy Gilmore 2. So, I was watching it the other day
00:23:00
and here's some trivia cuz I just gave you some Jojo trivia.
00:23:06
When he did, well, Happy Madison is his company. And some some people were confused and
00:23:14
they said, "Why is it called that?" I said, "Oh, because his first two movies were Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore,
00:23:20
and he combined them." Mhm. You know that. People know that, but some people might not put that together.
00:23:25
No. So, uh, that's one. Also, one,
00:23:30
oddly, he shot, we were both doing SNL. We both got a deal to do a movie. Ours
00:23:37
was Tommy Boy in that summer when the show was over. So, during this production year on weeks off at SNL, we
00:23:44
would work on, you know, the Turners were working on Tommy Boy, Freddy Wolf,
00:23:49
Chris and I would add stuff, whatever. But that's going and then Adam and I think Hurley are writing Billy Madison,
00:23:57
but ours isn't called Tommy Boy. I've told you this. It was called Billy III, a Midwestern. That's what it said on the
00:24:03
front of the kind of funny. So he was starting shooting first. So we're like, "Oh, we can't both be
00:24:10
Billy." Farley's movie in the name was in the whole movie was Billy. So we got stuck
00:24:17
because then we changed his name to Tommy in the movie, but we had no title.
00:24:23
So the whole movie we didn't have a title and every title was dumb. There's big time
00:24:29
rocky road. I have actually mockup of a poster that says Rocky Road and same thing us in a car. Crazy. What
00:24:37
are you going to call it? And then I think Brian Denny, his dad in the movie, Dammy boy, come here. Come in here. He
00:24:42
just would adlib that. Mhm. And then they told me later it's called Tommy Boy. And I was like, uh, I didn't really love it. I was like, Tommy
00:24:49
Boy. It you don't it it is one of those where you don't feel like you have to remember
00:24:55
it. You know, somehow it hits your brain. The Master of Skies. He
00:25:00
was the master of the skies. That's a good title. Yeah, that makes sense. And it's and it's it sums up the whole
00:25:06
movie. It's perfect. He is a But the movie doesn't make literal sense. I think Tommy boy makes
00:25:12
sense because he he you know he the sacred mantra to become to become
00:25:19
another person. So he goes yes I will go to the turtle club and then he starts going become another person that's the
00:25:25
sacred mantra to become another person but nothing really happens. So right and and in Tommy boy he his dad
00:25:33
passes away he wants to be like his dad he let everyone down. He doesn't want to be a failure. Yeah, there's some themes.
00:25:39
Even Happy Gilmore is a little more family oriented, a little deeper, a
00:25:44
little more emotional than probably Happy Gilmore 1, Happy Gilmore 2. It's great. There's a ton of jokes. There's a
00:25:51
lot going on. Mhm. And of course, you've heard about the cameos. So, just a lot of fun. Very fun.
00:25:57
I was hitting him up in the first 10 minutes going, "God, so many jokes already." And also so much money like
00:26:03
just coming off of scrimpy bus boys of how much we spent on it and knowing kind
00:26:10
of how much things cost. Like you know when you watch a movie you go, "Oh, he has an airplane in one scene just a
00:26:15
cutaway stunt where the stairs are there. You get on in the airplane when they work on the plane and the plane
00:26:21
wing hits it, knocks them over and almost hits everyone." Yeah, just that
00:26:27
just that 300,000 you got to set up. You got to get the airport. You got to get a plane. You
00:26:32
could hurt the wing and then you got to pay for the wing. If you It knocks it over. You probably do it twice. Make sure
00:26:38
the guy's doing something. He has to time out right away. Then this falls almost on him and stunting it around
00:26:43
fire trucks. Just that. It was a cutaway and a funny one in like a montage. I'm like just
00:26:50
going, "Oh my god." So, great songs, of course. Expensive. I just had something pop into my head.
00:26:56
Yeah. Do you think Borat was the most least expensive film that
00:27:01
made the most money? Because it's like a can of camera kind of. Yeah.
00:27:06
It's out in the world with his character. Possibly that. And uh what was the one
00:27:13
the scary one where they walked out of the handheld? They found Oh, yeah. Blair Witch. play I watch
00:27:19
which I never saw. You would hate it. Too scary. Too shaky. It was too shaky. I got a headache years
00:27:27
ago. But I don't like this kind. But I do like the idea of a found camera. It just makes the movie so
00:27:33
[ __ ] cheap. And you just focus on funny stuff, you know? Look here. We're in a real movie. We found video of a cheaper movie. So,
00:27:40
let's play that video. Yes, exactly. It's funny. It's a good hook.
00:27:46
I don't know. Think AI. AI. We'll be able to make a movie very soon just with
00:27:52
our laptop. Look just like anything you want. Someone said the other day, "What what
00:27:57
what would the Gap girls be doing now in this day and age?" I'm sure everyone's thinking that. I go, "I'm sure it would
00:28:03
be a little harder to write Gap Girls Go to Gaza or whatever." You know, there there's a lot of things you could do.
00:28:10
Well, what about a Gap Girls movie? I mean, you know,
00:28:16
gap girls try to stop 911. They go back in time to stop 9/11.
00:28:22
It's a little heavier than a regular gap girl. They go back to Hitler's Nazi Germany in
00:28:27
1935. Everyone wants to go back and kill Hitler. The funniest thing is not funny,
00:28:33
but a good trick we've talked about in movies is everyone's scared of being racist. You can't say any country is
00:28:40
bad. Even in this movie I just saw was Superman. They have made up names of countries. Oh, yeah. Made up countries. But you
00:28:45
kind of get the general gist, if you know what I mean. Yeah. So, you go, "Okay, that's that."
00:28:50
But, and they always fight superheroes because you can't get mad. You go, "Okay, they're bad people, I guess." But
00:28:57
when you start naming countries that are bad, everyone goes, "Hey,
00:29:02
yeah." So, you have or you go, "Woman went back to Nazi Germany."
00:29:08
Yes. Now there's the bad guy. And everyone goes, "Okay." Well, Dunkirk, who I think
00:29:13
it was the German Nazis versus the British, they were only referred to as the enemy.
00:29:18
Yeah. E enemy planes, enemy this, enemy that. Oh, really? Cuz that's what Maverick did to puss out.
00:29:24
He really pussed out. He calls him the bad guys. The bad guys. Yeah. So, I think that in
00:29:30
Superman, the only time I kind of laughed at myself a little bit is when Lex Luthther kept pointing at Superman
00:29:35
and going, "You're just an alien." You know, in today's modern political world,
00:29:41
you alien you. But he is an alien. So, you'll never fit in. You're an alien.
00:29:46
Yeah. But he is a literal from another planet. The way when I grew up, that's how I would uh think of the word aliens. Like
00:29:53
the movie Alien. Yeah. But it was really about the border and the securing of the border.
00:29:59
When I picture aliens, I picture the little green man. I don't picture Superman. Right.
00:30:05
But he technically is, I guess. Mhm. I liked it. Let them Oh, Superman. Did you like it?
00:30:12
Yeah. Because I go in with um gentle a gentle approach like you know what
00:30:17
they're trying to do is launch Superman. They very tough and I think they kind of did it.
00:30:23
I didn't mind Fantastic 4 because Superman was just a story you already know. You already know twothirds of it.
00:30:31
You know the Daily Planet. You know there's Lois Lane. You know this and that. And then here,
00:30:36
who's the guy playing him is new. And then what's the
00:30:42
story? Got a little like The Flash when they went to different dimensions and stuff.
00:30:47
Um, yeah, it was definitely out there, but they made him emotional. I mean, I go back to the comic books when I a
00:30:53
little kid. And there was a black and white television show called Superman, but they made him emotional. I thought
00:31:00
it was good. Hard to do. Hard to do. Who was that? George Reeves. James Gun. Oh, George Reeds back in the
00:31:05
day. Yeah. And Fantast Fantastic 4 was probably better than I thought. Got that out.
00:31:11
Either you have a frog in your throat or you didn't really like Fantastic 4. I really enjoyed.
00:31:18
Yeah. When I lie, I do that. Um, all right. Let's get to some headlines. Some hot headlines.
00:31:23
Mhm. Okay. Right off the press. Oh, this is an airplane. Is that a real
00:31:30
This might be a I Okay, if this was an airplane, would you fly it?
00:31:37
Would you fly in a see-through airplane? Oh, it's AI for sure. Uh, no, not right
00:31:44
now. Like, uh, no. Or someone someone Are the toilets transparent? You have to put one
00:31:50
wall up in there. Well, first of all, if it to have bright sun, you're you are
00:31:55
closer to the sun technically and it's coming right down on top of you. I don't mind big side windows.
00:32:01
Listen, already shooting some holes in this. Yeah. And I doubt they have a big fat No,
00:32:07
thank you. Would it scare you? If it sounded like those those Airbuses
00:32:17
sometimes it sounds like it's kind of crying. Would
00:32:23
you do a glass bottom boat? Yep. You like that? Oh, you Oh, you like
00:32:28
that? Yeah, cuz they're beneath me. I'm safe in the boat. If it If it was plexiglass, if it's just actual glass, it could
00:32:34
crack on a rock, no thank you. Have you seen in China they have like First of all, plexiglass over something
00:32:40
scares your brain to walk on. You don't want to walk on it. Yeah. Because you'll fall. If there's an alligator under there,
00:32:46
you think you're gonna fall. So, it's very hard to make your body walk on it. And then China, they have ones that
00:32:51
pretend to crack so everyone freaks out. Population. Is it part of a theme park?
00:32:58
Unreal. And everyone goes, I don't I go I would kill. How do they go? What is that?
00:33:05
And then they get on the plane and then they get off.
00:33:14
Good transition. Sorry, that was a little earthquake. man
00:33:19
in an earthquake. Just a little appertif. It does pretty good in the comments. Okay, what's next?
00:33:25
Well, I didn't do it properly. Maybe I'll do it later. You can read us. Mhm. California leads the nation in both
00:33:31
unemployment and homelessness. Connect the dots.
00:33:37
I don't know. I like Is that fake? Is a tree on fire on top of everything else?
00:33:43
Sounds like the fire was added. I think they're like sum up California AI in this picture. Fire, homeless,
00:33:50
crime, burning. Mhm. News. What are those vans? Yeah. I don't know. I mean, we still
00:33:57
have great weather right now. I don't want it just to be great weather and we we need more in California. Get
00:34:04
back to the old days. More going on. Just just basic stuff. We want our goods
00:34:10
and services to function properly. We want as much as possible um feel safe
00:34:17
walking around. Safe is a big one. Going places ideally back in the day in
00:34:23
the 50s when they put in the highway system. I'm going to ask you a question. We can check with AI. How they put in
00:34:30
like four lanes on both sides most of the time. Yeah. And then you have gridlock forever. How
00:34:35
many lanes did they need? This is a good question, Heather. How many lanes should they have put in initially? like 20
00:34:42
lanes on each side before they built all the buildings and everything around the freeway or at least 10 lanes on each
00:34:48
side. Those [ __ ] idiots. Well, I mean, back then it wasn't as popular.
00:34:54
You didn't know. Well, they thought it was impossible. Yeah. Who would come? I'm telling you, four lanes, both sides
00:35:00
automobiles. There's no way anyone's ever going to have to slow down. There's just ain't enough god dang cars in the
00:35:07
world. Right after I moved here, they said they were building a new lane on the 101 freeway in Hollywood. And I was like, it took them 5 years. And I'm
00:35:16
like, what do they think is going to happen at the end? It's like a buying making a pair of pants for a 2-year-old
00:35:21
and then they're seven now. Because they go, do they think people are going, "Oh my god, I forgot about the new lane."
00:35:26
That's a good way to put it. Yeah. They got they got little toddler pants and then they have these adults. But if this
00:35:33
is true, this breaks my heart cuz Disney, Walt Disney was a visionary and I think he wanted to put a Montreal in
00:35:40
the middle of all the freeways, above ground Montreal and potentially a Montreal all the way to San Francisco
00:35:46
because were you ever as happy if you're a kid at Disneyland.
00:35:52
Welcome to the United, you know, to the Magic Kingdom. Please exit on the right. You will enter
00:35:59
the plastic punishment room where you will be settled up and the score will be
00:36:04
even. In the magic kingdom, the plastic punish room always loves you best.
00:36:11
What? Well, that robotic voice they use to take you on and off the Montreal
00:36:18
sounds slightly slightly your wallet and keys down. They will be taken. This is a robbery.
00:36:25
Explosions will not be tolerated. Please, when the Montreal stops, exit to
00:36:30
the right and enter the place where people don't want to go. The place where people want to go is the Magic Kingdom's
00:36:37
favorite kingdom. Exit right and then take a left to the plastic punishment
00:36:42
room. Well, all secrets remain secrets. Last time I went to Best I can do right
00:36:49
now. Last time I went to Disneyland, I got on one of those trams. I parked in the wrong spot and so they're like,
00:36:54
"It's over yonder." I go like like see that little bubble and I'm like that's
00:37:00
where I'm going. This is where I parked and that's where I'm going. It's another mile or so. So I get on a tram and it's like but everyone on the tram was trying
00:37:07
to help me, you know. So like I'll I'll walk with you. I'll show you where it is. I'll walk with you. Paul and I on a
00:37:14
Saturday morning a couple years ago, we just said we're in West Hollywood. We go
00:37:19
[ __ ] it. We have nothing to do. Let's just start let's start driving to Disneyland. Whoa.
00:37:25
So we didn't, you know, so we went in there and they go, "Well, the park is full. Disneyland's full on a [ __ ]
00:37:32
set, but if you buy a ticket for California Adventure Land,
00:37:39
you can then go into Disneyland." So it was like $1,300 each. We stayed for 90
00:37:45
minutes. God dang. We didn't We did Pirates Caribbean. Any ride. So you did something good.
00:37:52
We did one ride and then we just walked around. just still love it though. It's all right. Spend the money.
00:37:58
I don't want to sound racist, but I do think a lot of ants look the same. You know what I mean? Like
00:38:04
I can't tell them apart. They're like little That is racist. Okay. But I take it back.
00:38:09
Up here on the farm, which I find kind of creepy, science fictiony,
00:38:15
we can get ant f infestations. Do you have fire ants?
00:38:21
The red ones. Well, they're probably around, too. We got all kinds of ants. But what you do is you have this thing
00:38:26
and there's it's dipped in cotton and they they eat it and they try to bring it back to the queen. So, you're seeing
00:38:33
thousands of ants, but somewhere there's a queen, you know, the size of a NBA basketball.
00:38:39
Bring me cotton balls. So, they bring it as a sacrifice and then the queen gets
00:38:45
poison and then the ants all die. They have nothing nowhere to go if they have no
00:38:51
queen. So, you kill the queen, kill the hive. That's where ants are dumb because when the queen dies, they go, "What do we
00:38:57
do?" Well, the soldier ants, you know, complain a lot. Why am I a soldier? All
00:39:03
I do is bust my ass all day. Get in formation, soldier. You better not get unionized. That's the
00:39:09
end of it. But I would say there's probably more stuff just on Earth that's weirder than
00:39:18
anything we could find in outer space. So, how about this? at the core of the earth, the magma level. Is that what
00:39:24
it's called? It's, you know, 6,000 degrees. Why is the bottom of the ocean so cold? Go ahead,
00:39:32
Dana. Well, I don't know, but I like those shows that
00:39:37
25 miles beneath the surface of the ocean live the Mu Oaknoids. These
00:39:44
measure 1 mm wide and temperatures below 300° F. They thrive in this dark frozen
00:39:53
wasteland fine with it. Here's an ark nod. Now let's put a let's
00:39:58
put a flashlight on. They've never seen a [ __ ] flashlight. Let's scare the [ __ ] out of them. They're like,
00:40:04
"Here's an ark nod being nod. Here's the rest of the Arknard's life.
00:40:11
Here it is passing away. They don't do much. Like what is the
00:40:16
point? They go like this and then the light goes on and they go and then they go back to their life.
00:40:23
When they're first born, they're really surprised by how [ __ ] freezing.
00:40:30
They're like, I can't wait till summer. They're like, I got some bad news.
00:40:35
There's no summer. But I don't know the line. Yeah. And look at the stars, guys.
00:40:41
The bottom of the ocean is nuts. And I don't know why if it's molten hot,
00:40:46
it doesn't warm up down there. Thank you. Okay. Can we get some scientists on?
00:40:51
We should get somebody interesting on for once instead of you. Answer our questions. No, I know I'm not
00:40:58
interesting. I go to the scientist. Hey, can you answer my question
00:41:04
about the ant farm? Hey, look at this. Do I have a hive?
00:41:12
All right, one more and then I Dana, I have got to get out of here. You've always You're going on the road, right?
00:41:17
I don't know. Parents leave 10-year-old alone at airport over expired passport
00:41:22
and board flight for vacation. Um either I don't understand what I'm That can't
00:41:29
be true. Roll the tape. The parents, nobody told authorities a relative would come
00:41:35
collect the child. That means they're in another country. No one says that here.
00:41:41
Authorities remove the couple from the plane. We're gonna fly now, Tammy. Um, just
00:41:46
stay here and Uncle Socknock will come by. Yeah. Here's a couple numbers I scribbled down. Try them from the pay
00:41:52
phone. And uh, I'm sure you'll connect with them. And you know who's going to pick her up? Seriously?
00:41:58
Maui Kulkin. I'm walking. I'm talking
00:42:04
Home Alone. Remember, right? But would he be helping her come to the house to wait for their both
00:42:10
their parents? I don't know. I think he'd just make sure she was okay at the airport. I don't know if you've thought this out.
00:42:16
Or Kieran Kulkin. One of the Kulkin boys would take I like those guys. Kieran.
00:42:22
I knew him when he was 8 years old. We hung out a lot. Me and the Kulkin boys at SNL.
00:42:28
Oh, when he when he was Yeah. And their dad was a was, you know,
00:42:34
a a familiar terror. What was his name? Put it that way. Uh, Dick Wad Jones. No, I don't.
00:42:40
Oh, you he remind you of your dad? Yeah. A little bit of a hurting cowboy. Yeah.
00:42:45
You know, a little bit. Uh, when McCaulay Caulkin was Sorry to interrupt your your pain. Go ahead.
00:42:51
No, my that was fine. That was a good little joke. Okay. So, McCauley's loss. We lose him
00:42:58
on SNL and then everyone's like, "Where is he? Where is he?" And then you see Lauren in an acting debut.
00:43:05
Yeah. Running down the hall going like this. Macaulay maulay.
00:43:11
Where's Macaulay? And I remember one more with energy.
00:43:18
Do it right. I think you're joking that you need to go mau.
00:43:23
No. And then he I remember he he hugged my colleague and then he patted his
00:43:29
back. Um I'm like really like sort of overwhelmed right now. You could see how
00:43:35
emotional I am. Cut. Lauren, that's not your line. I I know, but I I want
00:43:42
McCauley. Do you understand why we're going to pay you in Mike and I not money?
00:43:50
give Lauren credit that he created this comic persona around himself of the
00:43:56
unflapable area that guy he did a really funny thing when Martin
00:44:01
Short was hosting and he's running around singing I haven't done doing Martin Short stuff hysterical and he comes around
00:44:08
and um he gets he sees Jimmy Fallon and then they kind of do a fake
00:44:14
kiss or something you know like he's so excited and then he kind of turns turns to Lauren like that and the way the way
00:44:20
Lauren just went the way the way he just turned away with no
00:44:25
Was that on the 50th? No, that was on just Martin Schwarz. Was he was Lauren just saying like it
00:44:31
was too big and broad for him? Yeah, he just went he just went like this just I don't know.
00:44:36
No one's going to touch me basically. But it was such a perfect move. Like he was going to kiss him next. Yeah. So he's uh he has a very funny
00:44:46
I'm not in this bit. Sometimes you write Lauren in a bit and then they go yeah Lauren's not in it anymore. I go
00:44:52
why not? I go he's not in it. What happened? Was I at the meeting? You make him look stupid or something
00:44:58
and he goes I won't be doing that. Well I think he knows who that the character of Lauren Michaels is on the
00:45:05
show. It's not what I It's not what I'm going to be unflapable. I'm going to be lowkey. I'm going to be arerudite.
00:45:14
And it's that thing of like being unflapable in a place that's very flappable. You're the unflapable one.
00:45:23
Dude, I just yawned. I can't wait to hear it. Okay, I'll keep going. I just yawn and people go in the in the
00:45:28
comments. Why' you yawn? Are you tired? I'm like, I guess.
00:45:34
Okay. Uh, I'll be there in a minute, honey. I'm just putting comments on fly
00:45:39
on the wall. I'll be there in a bit. Okay. I got to I got to log in. Hey Dana, do you own anything else
00:45:46
besides a jean jacket and a black t-shirt? And then he goes, "Send." Honey, let me
00:45:52
just wait for a couple thumbs up. Honey, I'll be right back. I'm I'm just leaving comments for now. David Spade. Hey,
00:46:00
Spade. Did you sleep on your face again? Yeah. Hey, Spade. You're really walking
00:46:05
through this one. H you're Christopher
00:46:12
comments to get people to Oh. Oh. Rage bait bots. Comments now out there.
00:46:18
They have bots that rage bait. What is that? I like the girl that rage baits and tells guys on dates.
00:46:25
How come you weren't an athlete in high school? Did you ever want to be? And they're like, I [ __ ] was, dude. So
00:46:30
funny. You just say things to guys that immediately makes them mad. Makes them defensive.
00:46:35
Yeah. I'll do it next week. Ooh, cliffhanger. All right, Dana, it was nice to hear
00:46:41
about your wedding. I'm glad you had a nice time. Went to the wedding, did the thing, all the events. Glad to be
00:46:48
here. Glad your Levi jacket is okay. Safe. I don't know why. I mean, if people
00:46:54
comment, I'm just like, you know, we in the early days were switching shirts. Oh, it's this day. and get another you
00:47:01
put a hat on and then I just said I'll just be like Superman wears the same thing when he's Superman.
00:47:06
That's true. Yeah. Fantastic 42. I'm not saying I'm Superman, but you
00:47:12
know what I mean. I have a a uniform. I like in Fantastic 4 when the thing is
00:47:17
trying to hit on a guy, a girl, and he goes, "You've got me really bricked up."
00:47:24
That's funny. I I haven't seen that yet, but that's a funny goes like this. You got me bricked up. very quietly
00:47:30
subtly going gross. You're pointing at Superman. I know. Does that prove your point?
00:47:36
Yeah. Yeah. He's dressed in the same thing. His shoulders are unusually big. It
00:47:42
looks like from here. Thank you. Oh. Oh, you're talking about Superman. Oh,
00:47:48
I'm sorry. I got that wrong. Oh, did you have your shoulders removed?
00:47:54
I'll tell you what. Shoulders. Uh, you want want to shrink down? I'm fighting back with push-ups, man. But it's hard.
00:48:01
Yeah. Shoulders want to get tiny. You're wire. Um, well, is 30 push-ups strong? I don't
00:48:07
know. Oh, yeah. I've been 30 since high
00:48:13
school. All right, I'm going to go. Do your thing. Stay on though, Dana, cuz I want to talk to you about this. I really enjoyed this episode. I really
00:48:21
enjoyed it. Next time, let's do it in my house. We had a lot of fun. I got lemonade. Okay, I'll I'll come down anytime. Bye,
00:48:28
guys. Oh.
00:48:34
Hey guys, if you're loving this podcast, which you are, be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app. Give us a
00:48:40
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00:48:45
If you're watching this episode on YouTube, please subscribe. We're on video now. Fly on the Wall is presented
00:48:51
by Odyssey, an executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman, Mattie Sprung
00:48:58
Kaiser, and Leah Reese Dennis of Odyssey. Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman. And the show is produced and
00:49:04
edited by Phil Sweet Tech. Booking by Cultivated Entertainment. Special thanks
00:49:10
to Patrick Fogerty, Evan Cox, Mora Curran, Melissa Wester, Hillary Shuff,
00:49:17
Eric Donnelly, Colin Gainner, Shan Cherry, Kurt Kourtney, and Lauren
00:49:23
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00:49:29
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