00:00:00
[Music] how would they so they either face each
00:00:07
other and do that until one quits CU their eyes are burning or something but or they or they go like this way and
00:00:14
they shoot out for trajectory like long jump what do you
00:00:19
think this what we start
00:00:26
with okay we're going to start now Dana this is starting and it's officially start Ted have we started yeah and we're
00:00:33
looking at my haircut and there's a lot of the phones are lighting up already like what is going on well in a word you
00:00:40
got Heights you got Heights you got you got Conan hair that's a big swoop I think it looks good
00:00:47
though I think it's a a real Cony Island cuz look at it's
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straight up it's like a dog licked my face right and I was trying to
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differentiate because they go you and Dana look the same by the way you're not supposed to say that to two white guys
00:01:03
that's racism uh it's a little r word it's
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questionable so basically I have this Coney Island thing CU why I got a
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haircut and I said you know I got these Wings in the side which I don't mind but it looked a little bit like uh you know
00:01:22
that little elf that is in those movies of cartoon elf which we'll pull later and put up but then I said well Dana
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where're these two guys that have blonde hair like it's okay everybody and so but every other comment is like did you guys
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no you look I don't care no get a new comment okay other than that well I guess it's like a a sport like hey you
00:01:45
want to go look at some online podcasts and see if the hosts look alike yeah
00:01:51
let's do it and I guess we're we're number one with a bullet they look a lot ofik by the way there's some other ones
00:01:57
we love our fans yeah I like my fans I like my hair and it's really getting some height today I don't think it's the
00:02:04
happy elf no Heather's trying to show me elves and I'm like I don't know it's a famous One someone will products you're
00:02:10
using but we should endorse them shellac we should get a deal Gorilla Glue uh so
00:02:17
let me tell you about my weekend Dan just quickly and then we'll get to the more boring stuff I I want to hear it
00:02:22
because usually you have uh very asymmetrical things happen things that are a little different okay here we go
00:02:29
yeah so it's a little skewed a little skewed uh I have a cup of coffee and
00:02:36
watch a movie of the week and you're out in the world getting your ass kicked or whatever Dana is watching a rerun of
00:02:42
McMillan and wife that's a good one McMillan and wife is just enough that
00:02:48
you would for kids out there about references David's great at them Dennis Miller's the king he'd be he'd be
00:02:55
McMillan and wife you know we throw in a drag net here and there and SA John top
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it off with uh oh I can't think of it that's why I'm not dentist so I did the
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road I told you I guy did Santa Rosa San Diego and Palm Springs last week and yes
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next week is Virginia Richmond Charlotte and Tyson so uh I go to the Santa Rosa
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was was a blast and it was pouring rain now the the only highlights are I take
00:03:26
some puddle jumper out there you know delt I don't know what it was but but you get off and the person in front of
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me is holding a umbrella I'm like why would you bring in an umbrella on a plane and they're like Gish cuz we get
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off and we're on the runway so it's one of those where you get off and walk in the runway and they and they have a canopy
00:03:43
for about four feet and then you're just hey the [ __ ] Airport's that way guy and I'm like walking in the pouring
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pissing rain like uh it's really very old school and listen we have a blessed
00:03:55
life Dana we always have to throw that in but we have to [ __ ] about something cuz it was the worst turbulence the
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pilot said one of the worst in my career not me the pilot not me
00:04:07
um and so after the flight when you're getting off for the bye-bye part you know the worst he's ever had some some
00:04:15
husband asked the guy that was pretty bad huh he goes one of the worst in my career and I was
00:04:21
like so obviously I'm HR tough and stuff didn't bother me and now I'm more
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worried about the rain because and there's a canopy for about four feet and then you're on your own
00:04:33
then it's like hey guy Airport's that way I'm like okay I'm walking you know
00:04:39
but tough it out and then oh at the show beautiful theater
00:04:45
there you did your special there it's beautiful uh squatting monkeys tell no lies available now on uh oh is that name
00:04:53
of it yeah yeah after you finish your story I'll tell you the disaster of that title
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okay good uh I just there's no real story other than it was fun and then
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right before the show I'm signing you know they put posters backstage to sign and they go hey we had to let two people
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go um but we're going to give them a refund I go oh why what happened they're
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drunk no they brought their kid and I go oh how old do you have to be to be in
00:05:25
here and they go well it was more of a baby and I'm like oh baby and they're go
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yeah one week old [ __ ] baby just popped out of the oven a one week old
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Dana what are you doing they're not going to get the intricacies of my ACT
00:05:40
do they want me to cut the cord what are we doing I've had toddlers you know I know
00:05:47
I've had kids like oh my daughter's 15 do you care is there any F bombs I'm
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like yes but you know it's not like dirty but I'm like I get it I get it I get it but man that was that's pretty
00:05:59
young to be a fan of mine um is it that'd be my first thing um what I mean
00:06:06
your demographic is huge it's a very wide and now we know it goes to one week
00:06:11
of SC it starts at one week well before that because it's already a fan already
00:06:17
getting tickets to his show yeah oh my God David Spade's coming
00:06:23
I almost missed it but I was born and now I get to go I don't have to wait for the next year whatever but I we'll go
00:06:29
back to that place uh it was great and so now I want to hear your story about that theater because it's a great
00:06:35
theater well first of all about flying uh I I give you Kudos I've was on a couple tough flights with you and yeah
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you don't seem to get too rattled you believe in a higher power will protect you you did clutch a little figurine or
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something and you cried gently but uh broke my my control issues are so off
00:06:55
the charts that if I'm flying across country and I've got a nervous flyer next to me
00:07:00
they sometimes have a little map you see where your plane is then I get on my iPad and I get air turbulence reports so
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I'm of Svengali the entire flight I go in five minutes it's going to be kind of choppy for about 10 minutes so the whole
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flight I'm predicting it and then one time I noticed I looked at the flight where we were and we were we're supposed
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to go from LA to New York and we were circling over Montreal I said we're Way
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North now and there's a huge storm coming in okay so I'm just coaching her
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she's in tears with all this turbulence we're going down the Hudson Valley there's a huge black cloud on the right
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and I said we're just G to miss it and we swept in so she gave me a hug and said who are
00:07:43
you you're almost landing on the Hudson Val yeah I know I found out afterwards
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soy after that he's so traumatized he could only fly in planes that land on
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the water so he only flew amphibious planes after that oh really I didn't know that I made that
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up but my special squatting monkeys tell no lies was just from a bit that I did
00:08:09
about scientology you know how there you come from a planet and your theams get
00:08:15
in you and stuff like that what religion would blow them away what religion would
00:08:21
a Scientologist hear about and go holy [ __ ] that's whacked so I made up this
00:08:27
religion we are the cuckoo the vu and they basically put a harness in a monkey and they put him over a vat of
00:08:35
pudding and they lower him down and chant a mantra and you know so it came from that squatting monkeys tell no lies
00:08:41
that's that's their sacred Mantra oh okay well that would make sense what's the name of your last Netflix special
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go I was already quizzing no I got a name for a new one ready it's called
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General soreness because that's what I feel every day wow so you're gonna punt
00:09:00
on rackam which would be the greatest yeah rackam [ __ ] off that was a good one
00:09:05
by the way do you know about you didn't know this trivia I got know gu in the pilot union he said after that he got a
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lot of puss and he dropped the Y which made it I cleaned it up for you
00:09:18
yeah because I'm so dirty I am dirtier than you Danea I have to say on this thing I do say a couple F boms and stuff
00:09:26
well I don't you know I'm not i' I I'll go as blue as possible I mean nothing shock shocks me I'm the one who did Kirk
00:09:32
Douglas and Bert Lancaster as as lovers you know I mean right I have a way of
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being blue yeah you know I don't hide it as much I mean you do so many corporates
00:09:43
and we all I'm mostly known for being on TV and when people come see me do standup they don't really know I started
00:09:49
at standup and after the show they don't really know or believe that I still do standup they're like what was that but I
00:09:57
think that when I [Laughter] I stand up yeah I'll be in Charlotte
00:10:04
I'll be in Richmond um so I uh I do it but I think people know me from just
00:10:09
shoot me or Rules of Engagement or maybe movies and they go oh they're almost always PG-13 so when I come out right
00:10:18
it's not Martin Lawrence you know what I mean they're not like oh I don't want to shock them they go I dip into it but
00:10:24
it's a goofy way so who cares you know that's what it's about I'm trying to think what my if I do a corporate date
00:10:31
where do I stretch it out I don't know I mean the one joke that I do it's one of
00:10:37
those jokes that gets a laugh that I didn't write I heard a psychologist say it on the radio and I thought man that's
00:10:44
funny I'm just going to slow it down and make a bit out of it so it was the bit
00:10:50
was you know you always tell your kids to be kind to women you know um um
00:10:56
because women if you really think about women they like a man who's strong muscular big shoulders but they also
00:11:02
want a man who's sensitive and kind and can understand their needs but ladies
00:11:07
you can't have that guy because that guy's got a [Music]
00:11:21
boyfriend what have you had funny that's happened to you lately Daya anything yeah this uh it's kind of it's
00:11:29
funny and cute just driving on a little road and there's like 50 cows on the road and as you approach cows they just
00:11:37
look at you they don't really know if you're an animal a person even the a car went by like 3 minutes before and the
00:11:43
little cows just stand in the middle of Road you don't want to honk and scare the hell out of them right so that was
00:11:49
hilarious I like that I I like that because they just saw a car they're like they'd have no memory of that they just
00:11:54
go what is this no what what is this thing is this a you know I don't have time to talk about this because I'm I'm
00:12:01
here to talk about what's not funny and that's getting ripped off I've been ripped off so many times my mom's trying
00:12:07
to buy Windows now they're ripping her off I think at Harry's Razors these guys know what they're doing they're not
00:12:15
overpricing like a lot of these places you're not getting screwed over with questionable products these guys came in
00:12:21
and said let's do it better they saw a need and they fulfilled it these crummy plastic blades that get dull and they
00:12:28
made it incredible product David they have a heavy they have a heavy like this is like my dad used to have in the old
00:12:33
days like it was like Steeler whatever it is it's heavy it feels like you're actually doing something it feels like it's good weighted uh looks cool in the
00:12:42
bathroom and I'm trying not to shave as much anymore but I still got to you know
00:12:47
clean it up and of course my my back and the back of my legs uh they also have a
00:12:52
lot of other problem you have a lot of back hair I guess Sandler was right Cary
00:12:58
you got got to see it you got to see it not my best
00:13:03
standler okay I got um deodorant they have lotion body wash hair gel which
00:13:10
look at this this hair it flips out the sides and also it's German engineered blades made in their own
00:13:17
Factory so they stay sharp longer yeah skin softening softening body wash they
00:13:23
have a sense like Redwood Stone Extra Strength amazing smelling deodorant you
00:13:28
don't want it too strong that's just five bucks all these products highest customer satisfaction in the Shaving
00:13:35
industry no risk trial you don't like it send it back it's on S it back cancel
00:13:42
anytime getting ripped off isn't funny switch to Harry's get started with the $13 trial set for just $3 at
00:13:49
harry's.com fly that's what that's harry's.com
00:13:54
Fly for a $3 trial set [Music]
00:14:06
let's try to have a spontaneous conversation where each one of us has a coma and goes silent every three here D
00:14:13
telling me a joke when he gets a punch on I'm like this yeah then he goes David and I go
00:14:20
are you done I didn't you just came back here's me Frozen responding to your your best joke
00:14:25
okay here's me like this Frozen [Laughter] that's what they just when you do a joke
00:14:33
that sounds like mine you flip me off I go like this
00:14:39
here's me when the I freeze right when the wall Falls in here's me when when I can't hear
00:14:48
you here's a waiter when he's on a podcast but he's
00:14:53
Frozen here's me when I can't see you why
00:15:00
here's the shark when it freezes that's the name of that new
00:15:05
haircut call it the shark shark I got a dorsal yeah this is a d this new haircut
00:15:11
called the shark it's like the shimmy with dancing bones are lighting up with this haircut let's get to some headlines
00:15:16
Dana I can't wait to hear what's going on in the world let's do it and see if the algorithm gets with us on this yeah
00:15:23
let's get some algo [ __ ] going let's get some okay hit us with whatever one we'll just talk about it we haven't seen these
00:15:29
just so you know we don't know what's going on okay this is this is this is what I read someone says I bet we'll
00:15:35
have flying cars in the future and then this headline is ice spice reportedly in a squirt off with L so do you know what
00:15:43
do you know what squirting is yeah I do but I've never heard of a squir sad that you do no squirt off is
00:15:51
where I was headed oh that's just look by the way I didn't tell Heather I saw ice spice at goddamn Cheesecake Factory
00:15:57
the other night that funny so Whitney talks about squirting I talk about in my ACT um but
00:16:04
I guess these two I don't know if this is Pay-per-view or what but I'm in
00:16:10
so how would they so they either face each other and do that until one quits
00:16:16
because their eyes are burning or something but or they or they go like this way and they shoot out for
00:16:22
trajectory like long jump what do you think this what we start with
00:16:29
well I love that we're got we're just gonna be PG-13 now we're in my God why
00:16:34
are we starting with squirting I agree let's start with I I got the memo we're gonna start with the squirt chunk and
00:16:41
then a real story and then we're we got a necrofilia story no
00:16:48
that that's right I don't go there I okay we'll go to another story I like that one though mom loses
00:16:55
$800,000 disability case after photos emerge of of her winning tree throwing
00:17:01
competition so she she filed for disability because she got hurt on the job got insurance money and then she
00:17:09
goes well I hope no one's looking I'm gonna go throw tree like don't you know in movies they follow you and they don't
00:17:15
want to pay money she's throwing a small redwood tree three 300 yards
00:17:22
[ __ ] my back hurts I don't know I'll be really good at this one full tree
00:17:29
throwing gloves Professional Tree throwing gloves on my lower lumbar so
00:17:35
sore could I get a government check every week thank you all right what do
00:17:41
you want me to throw you me to throw keg over this [ __ ] light pole I'll throw the
00:17:49
audience over themselves dude I can't even decorate a tree I get sore excuse
00:17:54
me I'm from the government I just saw you throw a tree oh I would yeah I don't
00:18:00
know I'm so in my L government she she
00:18:06
she tree the money and you my
00:18:12
Lumar we're mixing them up now there's what the tree yeah didn't know you were
00:18:17
following me and then mistake are you
00:18:23
doing sure no no my back my back no you're a wonderful govern work CU you
00:18:29
just you know you missed it by just a little bit I feel I
00:18:35
dra I was pulling weeds I was found I was very good at it so I don't mean to be dactic or factious but it was a you
00:18:42
know it was a flying tree the it's an optical illusion tree that had a
00:18:48
helicopter Motif on the top of it jumped out of my hands and gave it no
00:18:56
push I used to do a great with Alan I'm so R I think Woody is tough when we do
00:19:01
it when he's really fast he's really out of breath it's harder okay so there's that one no no it's your wonderful okay
00:19:08
that was funny oh God oh my God okay this is I keep getting sent this over
00:19:14
the years this is Austria Lind to be specific Lind there's
00:19:21
a great impr okay uh and so they have this am I supposed to believe this is
00:19:26
real and not photoshopped no this is real this is the funniest part this is real this is real wow in Austria and I
00:19:33
kept getting sent this going what is this so some artist it says at the bottom and it so he does a smart thing
00:19:41
because he takes an old picture of me he puts it's better to burn out than fade away on the side and then he puts the
00:19:47
quote Kirk gobay so everything's wrong it's I'm not Kirk goang wow he got with
00:19:54
quotes from Neil Young right so absolutely so yeah it just generates a lot of attention because people go well
00:20:01
that's not no that's Spade no and but that quote isn't and then it just got a lot but he painted a whole freaking and
00:20:08
what country is this in Austria where is it what country austa so that's what people everybody
00:20:16
talks like Arnold out there look it's it's a flabby loser a silly quote by
00:20:21
another loser and the whole thing is a loser Fest this is a sample conversation
00:20:27
of walking by you know they're Austrian look at look at this baby man look at
00:20:34
the baby man and he's holding his fingers up like two CU I only weigh two pounds yeah and his he poops his diaper
00:20:42
twice a day for the two fingers he's like a little baby girl po yeah you poop
00:20:48
what did you do in your diaper number two I would like to tie his Spector flabby pectal muscles together so he
00:20:54
could put them under a tree and it be a a loser CIS
00:21:00
[Music]
00:21:08
Dana you probably eat a little better than me to be honest oh I don't know have you seen my skin my eyes my hair is
00:21:14
it a healthy look or is it just lighting is it good shop or is it
00:21:21
lighting no you look good good shop is great he's got you know good shop has
00:21:27
customized able boxes of high quality Meat and seafood delivered right to your door that's what I'm looking for to the
00:21:33
door yep vacuum sealed Frozen at their Peak
00:21:39
freshness nutrient density it's a frozen flash frozen food can be highly nutrient
00:21:46
Den I I said it last time I say it again you know you can choose David because you probably think there's not a lot of
00:21:51
choices but you can choose from over 70 highquality Cuts 100% grass-fed ribe
00:21:57
eyes USDA Prime F I know you like that free range and organic chicken breasts
00:22:05
tenderloin and thick cut bacon just the name a few also they have your famous
00:22:10
your favorites wild caught Seafood they have salmon you love I love the Cod
00:22:17
shrimps I love shrimps good job sour say it's meat sorry soures it's Meat and
00:22:23
seafood exclusive from American Farms and Fisheries yes you're supporting local Family Farms
00:22:30
independent ranchers won't cost a fortune price per meal
00:22:35
$3.74 no come on read the actual I'm reading it right you're a funster that's
00:22:41
that's that is inexpensive ladies and gentlemen Frank you good chop David especially Prides itself on sourcing
00:22:49
meat that comes with no antibiotics or added hormones ever they have to say that because a lot
00:22:55
of them have that and you don't know it chocked full they're so confident in the
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quality of their Cuts they offer 100% money back guarantee love good shop or
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get the money back go to goodshop.com Superfly 120 and use code Superfly 120
00:23:14
to get $120 off across your first four
00:23:19
[Music]
00:23:26
boxes oh I I want to explain this one yeah go ahead what is this this is an ex
00:23:32
cruise ship worker here's the reason why we throw free ice cream parties I thought this was kind of funny because
00:23:38
the reason is if you take a lot of cruises I don't think you do but no the
00:23:44
an an average of six to eight people die on every cruise and every time they do they have to throw them in the ice and
00:23:50
they have to make room for the body so they throw a party so every time someone dies they throw a party and quietly just
00:23:57
freeze it until they land and they can take the body off isn't that nuts wait let me say wait let me get my head
00:24:03
around this wait no wait a second wait you know what you're saying no it's crazy so six people die
00:24:10
per Cruise yeah that's the first shocking thing they throw this free ice cream party so everyone goes to the ice
00:24:16
cream party and then they're moving the cadavers to the dock no it's only to
00:24:22
make room in ice because they have to throw the body in there they get I see
00:24:28
isn't that nuts sign me up for a Carnival Cruise I'm gonna actually just just hold on a second travel agent yeah
00:24:36
Carnival Cruise yeah and I want two tickets to the ice cream party at the end yeah if there's another ice cream
00:24:42
party everyone goes isn't that exciting they're like not really because you mean someone croaked you know right because the
00:24:49
old-timers the people go on all the cruise ships all the time they go oh we got a lot of cokers this time never seen
00:24:55
this much ice out here what if you were just hung over and you wake up next to a Dilly bar and you're like oh wait do
00:25:02
they think I'm dead am I in the ice cream thing by the way I will tell you Dana a
00:25:08
Side Story my brother I just like Dilly bar that was a good refence Dilly bar is funny right from Dairy Queen Dilly Dilly bar is funny my brother oh here's how he
00:25:16
breaks news to me he goes like this do you remember I have to change the name
00:25:21
he goes you remember uh from high school he goes hey remember Jill Harris I was
00:25:27
like oh yeah he goes remember her from high school I go oh did you see her she's got really pale blue eyes she's
00:25:33
super pretty goes yeah she croaked I go what he goes yeah and I go Brian we
00:25:41
don't that's how you break it to me she croaked you mean she passed away sad
00:25:46
story about someone I've known for 30 20 years he go is he from the 1940s yeah he
00:25:51
goes yeah this broad croaked and then he goes this week I don't know if uh the
00:25:57
other friend you know is going to be around cuz there's the funeral and all that [ __ ] and I go yeah the funeral
00:26:04
yeah call much yeah he's very callous he's an iron worker you know he's funny he doesn't say funeral he goes it's
00:26:10
going to be a while because I got to do all the [ __ ] I go the funeral he's like
00:26:17
yeah well I like his voice I'd like to have he's like Kurt Russell my brother he's super tough he's cool but he's very
00:26:25
like uh a little rough on the edge has anyone seen my Dilly
00:26:30
bar all right go ahead you learned something new on that one Danny you learned something I saw the posid adventure I'm not going to sign up uh
00:26:37
10,000 stinky alcoholics on a plane with rogue waves coming you know I mean not
00:26:43
my not my idea of a great time this you've never done a cruise ship though right because my friends have yeah a lot
00:26:49
of people have I want to be able to get off I don't want to be you know no I'd be on a little I'd be on our manager
00:26:56
git's little sailboat in the Caribbean yeah you want to come with me we're going to stop in the Bahamas are you I
00:27:03
have a boat just like yours except mine's expensive we zigzag through the islands
00:27:08
it's really fun anyd better might come he's fully
00:27:15
veted have you been veted I said that last trip it's my one joke all right
00:27:20
what do we got here this is a a story about I don't know if we can play this but just the story is this woman is cute
00:27:28
she's on Instagram and a lot of guys obviously like her so MH post a couple
00:27:34
thirst traps and then what happens was the I don't know if this is good or bad it's I'm going to get your opinion M she
00:27:41
gets mean comments okay play the ultimate revenge on her haters but the method has people divided Roxy Styles
00:27:46
has been getting a lot of mean comments many of which are from women she doesn't know she got tired of the hate and
00:27:52
decided to get back at them in a very unique way I am going to find your husbands today she was going to become a
00:27:59
home wrecker she did a bit of investigating on the women who were mean to her found their husbands on social
00:28:04
media and slid in their DMS to test their loyalty oh I can't see any posts
00:28:09
but you do have your hubby tagged many of those men spoke to her in ways their wife probably wouldn't approve of to say
00:28:15
the least and she then shared screenshots of those conversations with the wife who was making the mean comments originally ladies I don't want
00:28:23
you but if you're mean to me isn't that czy she's a charmer I mean she's a
00:28:29
Charming um you know fashion it's on the husband it's just the idea that they
00:28:34
would collapse in a second because of a 306 to be hey honey you know what are you going to do bust my balls for what
00:28:41
can I do she came at me with those Twins and I like you know I'm like a little kid do it's National nipp week touch
00:28:49
them honey grab screen I don't want to what I
00:28:55
got hone look even you can't stop the
00:29:00
wife gets in on it I know I'm not even by but I got to get him too is this the
00:29:06
girl no honey you fell for it God how crazy she shakes her booty
00:29:13
and the guy's like and then she goes hey your husband is into me after one text
00:29:20
hey are you married not really want to hang out sometime 100% I would just say
00:29:25
FYI I don't know it's a low IQ individual that's attracted to a woman
00:29:31
who's that obvious I don't like it it's like you know I like it a little played
00:29:37
down I like but if she's listening to this you know godp spe I wish you all the best you know I wish you the best
00:29:43
rubber chicken you know what I mean listen to me you do what you do I do what I do rubber chicken Kish what is
00:29:51
rubber chicken a friend of mine used to say that all the time he was just his phrase was you do what you do I do what
00:29:58
I do rubber chicken kabish and he would add no when he'd eat
00:30:03
pasta and he liked it he would add no at the an he' be eating the pasta you go this could pasta no oh yeah I've heard
00:30:09
that yeah this good pasta no okay this is when I we can talk over I just found
00:30:15
it it's Brad Pit Penelope crw in a commercial for Chanel both uh perfect looking humans it's really well done but
00:30:22
we could talk over it there they are well
00:30:28
well I like him stay yeah that sounds cool Brad Pit and
00:30:34
penel Cruz in we're beautiful yes even the waitress is cute my face is so
00:30:41
handsome Birds die yeah even when he Squints he's goodlooking yes medium rare for to both
00:30:48
of you are they at dinner or are they on the beach yes of course doesn't matter where they are they're just looking at each other thinking I'm better looking
00:30:54
than you are what do he ad for the the waitress or the is it Shel the purse I
00:31:01
think she let's take a gorgeous hike with our gorgeous faces noty I like that big collar he has I don't hate it no I
00:31:08
love Brad Pit man excuse me what yes ma'am sorry do
00:31:14
you have any oh it's a Punchy ending Punchy ending very
00:31:20
sexy rad pit based on a movie that's a movie oh it's a very French kind of the
00:31:27
War I mean Brad Pit that's a good plan but anyway the Ad Agency is like
00:31:34
okay who are the most best looking faces on planet Earth okay the computer the AI
00:31:40
set Brad Pit and panelope cruy we put them in a commercial we make a black and
00:31:45
white we got da da da music and then we count the money when we show more shell so what was it for the purse that was
00:31:52
sitting between them I think it's Chanel's this is for Heather perfume Heather or is it the
00:31:58
purse or is it both Pere oh the perfume but [ __ ] these people Branch out you
00:32:04
know they Branch out to ancillary markets rubber chicken Kish they might have purses they might have whatevers
00:32:10
yeah I'm telling you the Chanel first of all every everybody in my life is like I need a Chanel purse there's a Chanel the
00:32:17
size of the Beverly Center they just made and it's packed the gills they start at five grand every P it's
00:32:23
ridiculous I would get that perfume if they could promise me I would look a little a little more like Brad Pit or a little more like Penelope crw I don't
00:32:30
care would you rather look more like Penelope crw or Brad Pit you could be a female version of Penelope Cruz um the
00:32:38
thing is is that women and we can ask he to chime in like they don't want a
00:32:44
perfect face they want the face to be a little off you know because there's the
00:32:50
right place so it's a problem for you because you have like a perfect face but uh but we'll have to ask Heather Andor
00:32:58
you want me to show that thing I would not say no to Perfection what is that ATT tribute to a
00:33:04
film that that's what the commercial is oh a short film attribute to the film a man and a
00:33:12
woman by director Claude L but okay but isn't like Harrison Ford
00:33:19
like women love Harrison Ford but isn't his nose goes a little crooked there's like these movie star men that have just
00:33:25
a little something slly off yeah they they all like they they can be a little beat up I think have to be good-looking
00:33:32
but in a beat up way I think is the way to go Brad's not really beat up looking but he getting older he just looks
00:33:37
cooler and squintier and uh whatever he's do if he's doing anything I want in I don't I don't care I yeah well he's
00:33:44
he's still fit he's got a great head of hair and um he was incredible and um
00:33:51
Once Upon a Time in holid Once Upon a Time oh yeah what' that guy say to you says I'm a goddamn hasband don't cry in
00:33:57
front of the Mexicans that's a little scene for you love them mhm all right oh I I just saw
00:34:03
this today this is dumb you remember this World War II photo you might have been here that day um do you remember
00:34:11
Was it crazy I have been around a long time I'll tell you that much I remember Nixon Kennedy I remember that campaign
00:34:18
do the do the math all right here we are an iconic World War II photo sh a non-consensual kiss was almost banned
00:34:26
from display didn't last oh it didn't get banned I thought when I read it it was banned but now it's not so they they
00:34:33
pull up to the kiss can we pull because this is a famous photo and the truth is all these guys
00:34:40
got back from the war and all the women everyone was drunk they said and guys were getting off and the women were going crazy and they and they all kissed
00:34:46
each other they found this couple because 30 years later and they they W
00:34:51
up getting married and so this whole thing is like a little too crazy like oh
00:34:57
don't believe in you know nobody wants someone to just go up and kiss people I get if you can't find a sexual partner
00:35:04
in Time Square when it's vday the end of a fiveyear horrible War I mean people
00:35:09
were just hooking up it was the craziest thing actually 32 million people's birthdays are on vday 1945 that's how
00:35:17
many pregnancies happened that night in New York City alone I made that up but it sounded good for a
00:35:24
while they almost called it Jade AG day but you know also Dana the uh almost
00:35:30
they didn't call it that we have a squirting jiz and let's see if we can get a trifecta for a testicle implant
00:35:38
look at Dana in the background walking on the ice cream con he's like 5 years old what's going on did you yeah I had
00:35:44
bangs I had bangs until I was 60 I was cute for a good run there and then this
00:35:51
happened okay God I had another one more thing to say about this and I can't remember okay we'll keep going oh the
00:35:57
best joke of the world forgot
00:36:03
it this was a big wedding I read about this yes I just think it's funny because
00:36:10
some super rich guy ianka Trump Indian billionaire now
00:36:17
what is the point they're all rich what you have to get paid there's no way you're flying to
00:36:23
India to go to a wedding of someone you don't want at all no what's going on but
00:36:29
wait a minute Rihanna is an incredible singer and Dancer I mean she's a superstar Entertainer I heard she got
00:36:35
six or 6.3 million so and maybe they paid for the
00:36:40
gas on her jet I don't know but Zuckerberg what is he gonna light up the party oh I want to meet Z Mark
00:36:46
Zuckerberg what about Rihanna she's okay but Zuckerberg he's the moon hey Zuck
00:36:51
how much did they pay Zuck by the way Zuck was caught on video of course
00:36:56
everyone's caught on video all day not caught but he was just talking to the guy and of course they have literally nothing to say and so Zuck goes hey
00:37:04
that's a sweet watch and he goes oh $1 million and he goes oo like 1 million is
00:37:09
like a drop of one penny to him but he's like whoa and so they start ooing and
00:37:15
awing over this watch he's like oh it's a pjet I don't even know
00:37:20
whatever it's a it's a it's a it's a p ringa it's a p and they're like oh and
00:37:26
they have to be interested oh you're paying us to be here so we have to be like o ah and then they said afterwards
00:37:32
someone goes oh Rihanna didn't give it everything she was sort of lazily going through her performance but you know in
00:37:38
my in her defense she's lazy that's her thing you see at the Super Bowl you're not hiring the Rockets you know what I
00:37:44
mean she's not like she's smoking weed all the time
00:37:50
that's what she yeah she that's as that's her brand and it's a corporate date it's a wedding drunk but I I wonder
00:37:57
what the billionaire was smoking when they go okay Shashi show what do you want for your birthday party who do you
00:38:03
want to invite he's back like Rihanna yeah Mark Mark zberg why
00:38:13
not and uh oh [ __ ] it Ivanka well maybe the guy from Madmen
00:38:19
he's just literally like looking through the Daily Mail going that guy that guy yeah who turned who turned down the kick
00:38:25
I want John John ham he's like you don't even know me that's just Don Draper and
00:38:32
jump around my party he's like okay pay me I'll do it she's six million for her we would have done it for a million each
00:38:38
I did a party for a rich guy he goes I'll fly out it's for my daughter and uh
00:38:44
you know it's literally like hey is it okay if she like shoves her ice cream cone in your face I'm like yeah put it
00:38:50
in the deal that's fine I don't care I did one for uh a guy whose birthday he
00:38:55
was 98 his wife was 60 their house was like a Scarface mansion in Vegas it had
00:39:01
like literally mermaids in the pool and jugglers and a carnival and he's like this and then I went in Whitney Cummings
00:39:07
open for me it was the toughest environment ever because they'd see us on YouTube shooting a special and it was
00:39:12
like a I mean it was death it was like and
00:39:17
they're like they don't understand it's a pavilion they can't hear me they can barely see me and the weird part of that
00:39:23
was that Joe Rogan was there who I love and that I said can I get up in front so
00:39:28
I can hear and see what Whitney's dealing with in the Pavilion and I they go yeah but we a wear a mask so they
00:39:35
don't see you they don't know who you are so I'm walking up and I've got this mask on this is when the pandemic was
00:39:41
kind of ending and Joe looks at me and goes get that mask off your face and I try to say they told me to wear it so
00:39:48
people won't see me but he thought I was paranoid this was after the the uh the
00:39:54
pandemic but anyway when then they hire you for the party and you're on a stage like the size of three 3x3 and you're
00:40:01
over in the corner and there's no microphone and they're all drunk and I go you weren't as good were you is that
00:40:07
it that's all your best stuff and you're like well no one even heard me I don't have a microphone I once played a corporate gig
00:40:14
where I was 100 feet from the first nearest person and they were had their backs to me at a Cil party I'm i k this
00:40:22
was like I was getting paid a lot of money I was like so anyway and they were just back backs 100 feet away talking
00:40:27
amongst themselves couldn't give a care yeah is it my fault all right next one I
00:40:34
just because you're into basketball is this C Clark it's a big deal she broke the record but should it be compared
00:40:42
with a men's record I don't know are are all the records compared with men and women I don't
00:40:47
know well the best basketball game I saw last year was the nc2a championship for
00:40:55
women mhm so the way women play basketball now uh I don't know when you would compare it to they're really
00:41:02
athletic they're very strong and um she's just got an amazing talent kind of
00:41:07
like a she can drain threes all day right yeah she's she's kind of like uh
00:41:13
Steph Curry in drag or something she has a a real gift so I would I would count
00:41:18
it as the greatest thing ever she's got tall people checking her double teaming
00:41:24
her I mean every team tries to stop every it's just again it's teams it's team oh look who was there stupid Theo
00:41:31
our buddy Theo went to that game look at him hey man hey you know I there's this
00:41:36
one time that I had a basketball stuck in my ribs and uh I had to go to a vet
00:41:42
uh because the only doctor was actually a a Spaceman I knew I knew I knew a woman in
00:41:48
the neighborhood she like accidentally she like she like swallowed a basketball everyone thought she was pregnant her
00:41:54
mother took her to the hospital they just said she's not having a baby she's throwing up a basketball it was like I
00:42:00
knew a pregnant girl in fifth grade she went to my school everybody knew it though okay
00:42:06
what's this Jeff Foxworthy oh here's Jeff Foxworthy
00:42:12
cleaning his house we're on to Impressions okay this is Mike James [Music]
00:42:19
impression so far so good mhm if you ever used to Leaf flow to
00:42:27
clean the inside of your house you might be a redneck it's
00:42:36
horrible now here if you yeah no I like
00:42:42
okay I used to do Jeff Fox with the on SNL so I really should recuse myself
00:42:47
from this can we hear a little bit of it for just a second if
00:42:53
you if people see you in run you could be the AIDS
00:42:58
virus if you have no I I think I had a bit about that we had to change it to
00:43:04
Ebola so it was like it was like if you actually let's skip this little bit um
00:43:12
okay I was g go I was going to go back to the one about the kissing on D-Day
00:43:17
because you said something reminded me of an old Dennis Miller joke where he goes you know folks they're going to
00:43:23
cure AIDS one day and let me tell you if you don't get laid that day guys you
00:43:29
better give it up it ain't getting any easier yeah go ahead yes that was from
00:43:36
his act folks don't blame me was from Dennis's act yeah that's a funny one though okay here's another impression
00:43:42
gonna guess the impression okay okay this is Jeff Bridges this is Paul Magby
00:43:47
Paul Magby is doing what Danny guess Jeff Bridges here we go oh okay here we
00:43:54
go like they think they so
00:44:00
smarty think of their brain so big J of the
00:44:06
[Music] Hut be gone with them jarar B blinks Binks jarar Binks no
00:44:16
he's more like he had I think he was faster right okay sorry jab of the Hut okay okay
00:44:22
who's this here we go it's Steve Kennedy okay we go okay doing hey guys Steve
00:44:28
here uh today we got a little clenny wood and Droopy Dog hypothetical situation huh Droopy
00:44:37
Dog over there says for $5 he'll put on an exhibition with a Shetland pony
00:44:43
anybody know what law has been broken here besides cruelty to
00:44:48
animals you know what you've got some big balls Clint because of that bud
00:44:56
I'm going to piss all over your front lawn okay well that that was good it was
00:45:04
funny um you know Droopy Dog and Clint Eastwood a nice mashup I thought the Clint was uh uh you know nicely done
00:45:12
recognizable yeah and the droopy DG could probably go a little harder at it maybe
00:45:18
was yeah how old is Droopy Dog no it was probably around in the
00:45:24
1940s it was sort of a trumac capot almost
00:45:31
well I don't know what you want to do with me I'm dupy dog I haven't seen it
00:45:36
in 50 years so I can't swear about I could do fedix a cat for you
00:45:43
radio is that him no I was that was just my Tucker Carlson
00:45:49
[Laughter] laugh okay should we do another
00:45:54
impression or Dana do you have one you worked on or not um I could do one oh let's do a
00:46:01
couple red red neckies all right let me read this I'm red red necky the redneck comedian I met my future wife next to a
00:46:08
gas pump she said you look like a premium type dude I said this dick is diesel baby come
00:46:17
home start out good little too wory we'll work on that one yeah yeah I'm red
00:46:23
red necki that was Kenneth burnhard thank you for putting that in caught a few words and don't say my name after
00:46:30
you [ __ ] on it well it's just a little too many words I agree uh I'm red
00:46:35
rednecky the redneck comedian my mama came home wearing only one shoe and I said hey Mama you lost a shoe and she
00:46:41
said nope found one come and get some oh okay so she went out Barefoot that's not
00:46:47
bad that's not bad that's a bit of a thinker yeah Rob Willoughby from uh from
00:46:54
Melbourne Dan Ander Dan put shrimp on shrimp on shrimp on the
00:46:59
Bobby babby Bobby babby here's another one from Natalie I'm red rednecky the
00:47:04
redneck comedian I asked Mama while she was vacuuming naked and she said because she had finished the sweeping come GE
00:47:11
home okay it was a little bit of a she was naked the whole time twist good J okay M MH okay last one from
00:47:19
Warren warrren our business manager yeah I'm red rednecky the redneck comedian I
00:47:25
brought a woman back to my place she asked if I had protection I told her I'm covered by All State come and get some
00:47:32
okay that's I'm laughing out loud but I'm saying they're good this is we're used to jokes when comedy but I say okay
00:47:39
there's something there thanks for sending the men is the main thing all right do you have any any ones you want
00:47:46
do you have any Putin do you have anything good for us this is um I like when Biden when they put him he's got
00:47:52
he's had a long day and he gets really tired and uh and he kind of spaces out
00:47:59
and then he itches his nose so the weird part about me doing
00:48:05
Joe Biden I'm Irish my eyes are closed together so I kind of and I'm not that
00:48:10
much younger than him so like so I'll do it with him tired Joe itches nose in
00:48:15
slow motion yeah because that's the thing about people and there the people
00:48:21
said well they don't okay
00:48:34
stupid so D what was he looking into the sun after
00:48:41
well I just thought the end he would look like ET you know where's the Mother Ship hey pick me
00:48:50
up my work is done here slow motion Biden got to laugh listen we laugh
00:48:56
[Music] okay I've seen him do it I mean it's not made
00:49:02
up now lately Putin has been really really R
00:49:08
Sab rattling his saber at dyslexia for a moment and he talks so casually about
00:49:14
launching nukes it's kind of funny I have a lot of nukes I will
00:49:22
launch them your nukes are like little girls they're soft and
00:49:31
cuddly Shen Gillis would call your nuke's gay I like she going I like you hear a
00:49:39
real name in there like when you hear Japanese people talking tater
00:49:45
tots my nukes are big and strong and fast they will destroy you they will they will make you
00:49:51
explode should I launch perhaps
00:49:57
perhaps not I got to get this more organized it's
00:50:05
good if I launch my nukes America will sound like
00:50:13
this or that's
00:50:20
what that's the second one and then you cut the B you cut the bid holy
00:50:28
shisi I can't believe it's going to try to launch nukes this guy's got nukes oh
00:50:34
there's the no yeah that's a good
00:50:42
closer this has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly is executive produced
00:50:47
by Dana Carvey and David Spade Charlie fining of Brill entertainment Jenna Weiss Burman of Odyssey Heather Santoro
00:50:53
and Greg Holtzman hope you liked it [Music]
00:51:02
m
