00:00:00
all right i know this is weird we've done this a long time but could I get a self just a picture of you okay your
00:00:06
best look okay show them what that look is and then look back at me great you poked it pretty hard you got
00:00:12
it yeah well I had to mime it it's comedy well here we are you can see our whole
00:00:19
bodies it's not an illusion or it's not Are we dream boats no um are we Have we
00:00:26
been on a boat at least we're not the same person that everyone accuses us of I was going through the comments Dana
00:00:33
and just blocking people and No I didn't i go through other podcast comments and
00:00:38
pretend they're about me i compare comments of other YouTubes and go "Oh the people hated them they're pretty
00:00:43
nice to us that's good." My wife leads a little comment she you know it types it out every day so I get comments how I
00:00:50
was the day oh she does on the fridge yeah it's like comments it's called your performance and said that one guy looks
00:00:57
stupid you're like was that about me huh it's funny uh so Dana I was on the road
00:01:03
i know you're on the road by my stories about the uh what's it what's the tour
00:01:10
called i got Oh yeah I got a feel for it so uh I was on the tour it just started
00:01:17
we did New Joy new Joisy and we did uh Boston okay and then uh and I got some
00:01:25
coming up in Omaha De Moine and what st louis oh that'll be great god home of
00:01:32
Nikki Glazia i know it is a [ __ ] grind and America you know I'm the biggest [ __ ] so please come out because
00:01:37
for to get on stage to limp on stage after all the travel i know it's like of
00:01:43
God do you want me to still do my act i just want to get there and touch the mic and go I did it let's go but when I hear
00:01:50
the roar of the crowd you've been everywhere where man so here's what happens danny you would blow your brain
00:01:56
or which flight the hike heather went on this one i was with Dan Levy Katherine
00:02:02
Blandford heather went to just sort of supervise the children so we go all the way out there we get one of these first
00:02:10
class right but you know they kind of you know planes more i should have checked with you it's not the one that
00:02:16
they say it's like a little small apartment well no it's domestic yeah so it's very
00:02:21
rarely a wide body you know do you know the difference
00:02:26
between a wide body narrow body is it a seven two and two not two three and two
00:02:33
seats that is Wait so it's two on the outside three in the middle wide body can be how depending on how they
00:02:39
configure it so you're probably on a max one of those ones that tend to go but
00:02:44
it's all right super max super crash uh so I went on and I was in first cuz
00:02:51
sometimes I do coach sometimes I do first this leg lingo goes to sleep i did
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this is like I first but it was so squinchy i couldn't really camp out in there it was pretty basic so it's just
00:03:04
eight hours of reading US magazine and my monitor was on the fritz my TV they're like "Oh yeah." And I go "And my
00:03:11
Wi-Fi doesn't work so I'm really raw dogging it how long can I read the barf bag
00:03:18
well I have a fear of flying and what's great is I on some flights I try to get on the Wi-Fi
00:03:24
with credit and I try for like 4 hours we'll be landing shortly and all I did
00:03:29
the entire flight was try to get the Wi-Fi we're like trifi when I get on it
00:03:35
it goes credit card this isn't your everything didn't match and I'm like And they're like "We're almost there folks."
00:03:40
Like "Yeah you're wrestling with a robot i mean I want to give them them my money no here's the thing the wifi works when
00:03:48
you sign up for it and you pay oh it works perfectly then suddenly it's on the fritz then it can't do anything i'm
00:03:55
like how did the money get there so fast i don't get I don't get I don't get on Wi-Fi when I want to pay is what I'm
00:04:01
trying to say anyway I'm saying I pay for it and then it won't go through after no I know that's the worst okay
00:04:07
that's the double worst yeah I'm rat [ __ ] so you made it so there I am there I am in beautiful New Jersey so I
00:04:14
walk around do a few bits you know on the street just to warm up anyway show's fun great crowd next day
00:04:22
this is where it gets complex dana stay close i'm listening i have to take a a ghetto little puddle jumper to go it's
00:04:29
only like a 39m minute flight right so it's a puddle jumper well like a smaller
00:04:35
plane you'd hate it you'd hate it i've been on every plane it's not props but
00:04:40
it's a little skinny one and now we're I go "It'll be fun if we're on coach together jam together." So I get on and
00:04:47
they go "Oh you should get on first you know let's get on first." Bad idea you get on first to give the So you have
00:04:54
luggage room right you've never been in coach i should have showed I should take pictures i started out in coach for
00:04:59
years oh you've been there you remember yes so I get my bags up now I'm squinched and now we start the taxi i
00:05:07
have a show that night so you get a little itchy like let's go let's taxi let's get this thing right so I'm like
00:05:12
are we driving there there I'm like hey there's the airport no we're driving over here taxiing we're taxing for 1
00:05:18
hour you would really 1 hour yep and then we're sitting there and I'm like everyone closes their window on the
00:05:24
plane that's a new thing open i want to see where I am in the world oh we're still on the runway we're about 5t from
00:05:30
the gate and then after an hour and people are you know they're putting their stuff in their butts in my face i'm like I don't I don't really care
00:05:37
about coach this one was so tight and so these tight butts in front of me so I go
00:05:42
"Okay." And then they go "Hey it's your captain uh we got a little snafu up."
00:05:48
Snap what snafu snafu up here and he goes "We got nine computers and eight of
00:05:53
them are working but the other one I go go for it." Like I'm like I don't care eight's fine i don't know what the ninth
00:05:59
one does i'm gambling it doesn't do a lot but if we got eight that are pumping it out working hard and so he goes
00:06:04
"We're just gonna go back to the gate and check it out." Back to the gate oh that's a that's a real And you know and
00:06:12
you know you're [ __ ] when he goes actually we're going to have you grab your stuff and get off the plane just
00:06:17
while we figure this out oh well that's that's better cuz sometimes you sit on the plane maintenance is going to check
00:06:22
it out so you see a guy in orange jumpsuit with a wrench goes into the cockpit comes out he's sweating and he's
00:06:28
shaking his head like this as he walks out he goes "I'm get off i'm not giving a lot of confidence he's got I don't
00:06:34
know socket Ranch he's going "Is it righty tighty lefty loosey?" I don't know man so I get off and I feel better
00:06:42
that I'm off but I go "We got to rent a car and go you know we got to just go cuz my flight's you know I got to get to
00:06:47
Boston i cannot disappoint my You went for the car thing." So we start calling a car and then they go "It looks like we
00:06:52
found a plane we're going to get on in a half hour." I go "It's cutting close." And then they go "Well our plane's it's
00:06:59
it's it's leaving from Charlotte soon." I'm like "Oh so it's not here." So what was that story so we see a pilot and we
00:07:08
go "Dude cut the [ __ ] give it to me right down the right down the middle is this plane going to take off or should I
00:07:14
get in that car?" He goes "I'm one of the pilots." They usually if they say a plane's coming we're going i'm like
00:07:21
"Okay cuz our windows closed now for a car." So we wait about an hour later they load us up hour of taxing get there
00:07:28
beep boop bop beep this and that that and this run on stage crush crush kill
00:07:35
standing nose standing nose kill jumping jacks kill kill kill
00:07:42
everyone's shooting off bottle rockets Roman candles uh anyway great show worked out and um that's a story that
00:07:50
could have been 20 seconds um I have a 20 second one so my wife and I are in Paris metaphorical cigar we don't travel
00:07:57
ever and we're going on an A380 it's like a you know basically a shopping mall with wings it's so huge and they
00:08:03
drive you out in this car and they're playing music and we go up on the gang way and it's French it's air France so a
00:08:09
guy's like Mauricio Alia for you older folks he's a charming French guy and he
00:08:14
meets us we are pretty much probably going to take off but right now we have
00:08:20
a mist problem so I suggest you go back to your lounge and come later so guess
00:08:28
what they fixed it and we went and I was not happy on the climb out the climb out
00:08:34
is that when you leave and go like that well once it's the first 20 seconds are the most dangerous part of a flight so
00:08:40
you just you know you just wait if you go to two minutes the odds go to 20 million to one so I allow myself to be
00:08:47
nervous for how long two minutes i ask my I allow myself to be nervous for two minutes i count from 1 to 120 back to
00:08:54
zero and then I just go "Fuck it." Yeah and then this is before I go to the airport
00:08:59
though sorry good night boom but that's it so I did that got back my voice was a
00:09:08
little low and we had Larry David today and I go he better not think I'm sick he will flip the [ __ ] out i I'm not sick
00:09:15
guy it's called being super [ __ ] tough that's what's he does i don't think he's phobic cuz afterwards he was
00:09:20
so great i just spit my palm in front of him put it there pal yeah I saw he did
00:09:25
yeah it's a big handshake he wanted to wrestle out there i'm like "Wrestle i don't wrestle." He's like "No just
00:09:30
grapple around a little bit take our shirts off." I go he gave me the whiskers like my dad he got on top of me and he's like rubbing it oh that's fun
00:09:38
you know what the most embarrassing part of that is when you get a boner and you're like "This nothing this did not happen with our friend Larry David." No
00:09:45
no it didn't happen this is Jerry Seinfeld coming into Superfly just to say no uh he was great though but he's
00:09:53
on he's on fly on the wall right now he's literally on as we speak he's on air and he was uh he had two uh had two
00:10:01
a purple nerple he had two tomato boom booms at the desperate sponge
00:10:07
i've done these Carson things for the last three years it's working i've got Desperate Sponge and I have not been
00:10:13
able to beat it but I have one I'm going to try right now in Superfly that doesn't beat it but for some reason it
00:10:19
really makes me laugh i had two double daquiries at Banana Dans at the prickly
00:10:25
pork banana Dan is funny right i know that's a quicker one because Aaron No it's it's funny sorry listen by the way
00:10:32
it sounds catic but we have our buds coming in here to jump in and join for the news because we're I just like I'm
00:10:39
more amazed even though our stories are dumb i'm more amazed we're both sitting here and we get to show our whole hands and buy it's fun right we shown our legs
00:10:47
feet hands you get to see the Carrie Underwood calves I got going on here uh I'll just say it gap uh Brooks Brooks oh
00:10:55
yeah 10 years old 10 years old or Banana Republics banana Republic stolen Levi
00:11:04
whole outfit how much is this little cutie [Laughter]
00:11:09
whoops oh don't give yourself lacing don't be jealous it's solid with a solid
00:11:16
diamond arm it's a Rolex what uh no i have one good watch and uh our mystery
00:11:21
guest is coming down the stairs one of our old buddies oh this is fun we do have a mystery guest
00:11:27
okay so we're not going to advertise we've not We've not advertised our guest and it is
00:11:34
oh yeah oh no carol title
00:11:39
yeah as we stare at the door now like two puppies brook Shields is Oh I tell we got to get Brook Shields on
00:11:46
she's great i flew with her once i hear Heather in the hallway who's here it's
00:11:52
our mystery guest hey interesting we're going Kev so just come sit down or
00:11:58
whatever just rolling you're just walking into television careful this is like the Tonight Show
00:12:04
let's bring out our first guest hey what's good to see you bud there it
00:12:09
is kevin Non i brought you guys a little gift oh my
00:12:16
god it's the first time someone brought us something whoa [ __ ] chair anyone try these [ __ ]
00:12:25
chairs i said Kevin is is a is a properly sized one for one i told him to
00:12:32
give you space yeah they got a [ __ ] box of groceries for some reason over there all right
00:12:37
you're fine so what is this stuff let me see that is um It's a little cream puffs
00:12:44
[Music]
00:12:51
dana I'm a little bit of a a spendy Suzie if you know what I mean a a boozy Suzie and a spendy Suzie i'm more of a
00:12:58
boozy Susie but yeah yeah you are you are a spendy spender yeah and a lot of our uh listeners are nice enough to
00:13:04
write in and say "You look like you drank a lot and slept on your face." But that's just constructive criticism well
00:13:11
it's very concise and uh you don't really drink very much i'll tell the fans but just puffy uh this is where CLA
00:13:19
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00:13:24
people need a lot of my friends definitely need it it allows you to make smarter decisions with your money and
00:13:30
it's sometimes good to have a partner like that and I'll say it again clara which I I assume is Swedish cla is your
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four interest free payments that's right here's some key takeaways listen up brother clara offers a paying for
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00:14:31
terms and conditions apply i'm just going to do I'm just going to say it
00:14:36
it's a CLA summer we just show clips from the internet we'll see right now I would not join a modern-day hunting
00:14:42
party of men because uh the question is 100 men versus one full-grown silverback
00:14:48
gorilla and there are people out there like this that are saying uh that that 100 guys would win and uh no no they
00:14:55
wouldn't i don't no just flat out no a gorilla's skin you can't bite through it
00:15:01
their bones somewhere between There goes my plan learn that the hard way as ours their hand like their grip is grip you
00:15:10
can taco could make you jizz in two seconds you know if they came at him one at a time this is what you're fighting
00:15:16
they wouldn't win the gorilla would win but I think if they all jumped on him at the same time and poked his eyes out
00:15:23
yeah i think that the trick is the eyes of the nuts i think if the gorilla just put its giant arms down and just sat
00:15:29
back and went "Go ahead your best shot." Sorry substitute Yoda how do you do a
00:15:34
gorilla talking Kevin uh well here's what I would do let's say you were on to something spotty was on to something you
00:15:40
take the balls and you shove them in the eye sockets you cannot see through balls you cannot see through balls
00:15:48
you can't see your mind i'll tell you that what does your friend say about a gorilla well you know let me tell you
00:15:54
something Hans you know there's no maths for us you know you get us in the jungle and we just go ape ape crazy you know
00:16:01
we're humans who not a primitive primate you don't need 100 you need two you two
00:16:06
Hans and France you have no How many How many guys would it take though to take down a Let's say a chipmunk let's start
00:16:12
with a chipmunk a chipmunk a ground squ and then you work up this guy here's
00:16:18
what would happen you're right Kevin the strategy is I'd start with a push fight
00:16:23
just let let the let the grill get a feel for him you know okay he is pretty strong his skin is tough okay and then
00:16:30
I'd tell everyone else to go first because he's going to get winded i mean but if he's just plowing through guys
00:16:36
it's hard you need everyone to go at once like go and then everyone grab an arm or something it's just But it's too tough kevin it is too tough well you
00:16:43
know they say to get rid of a shark you just punch him in the nose yeah so maybe that works with a gorilla too yeah how
00:16:48
about this guys i think we should try it one foot or maybe 18 inches of water or
00:16:53
maybe two feet of water great white and a gorilla fighting in two feet of water
00:17:00
okay I got the plan where's Mr beast i got the plan right here he'll put this together i don't know why we didn't
00:17:05
think about this earlier um you have some kind of ether you know
00:17:12
and you put it over his his nose and mouth and knock him out with the ether you know with a bag of like you know a
00:17:18
cloth ether put it over and then he's out and they just stomp on him i guess I'd say 100 guys with all with chainsaws
00:17:26
100 guys with chainsaws versus the gorilla i guess they're saying you can't use any kind of weapon yeah think you
00:17:31
don't have to say that please this is new rules okay people new rules 100 guys
00:17:37
we change i can't sorry okay uh is this worth it let me see
00:17:44
mathematician who refused to accept a Fields medal and the $1 million clay
00:17:51
prize yeah he wins a prize and they give him a million looks like Bill Hater in in makeup right uh what is a million
00:17:58
dollar clay prize i don't know play it let's see if it's worth a [ __ ] oh no oh he's not interested in money or fame i
00:18:04
don't want to be on display like an animal at the zoo i'm not a hero to mathematics ah finally you were
00:18:10
disturbing me i'm picking mushrooms oh yeah yeah this guy's get surprised and he just rejects it is that Yeah he's old
00:18:15
school he's like I just do math dude get out i'm not I'm not trying to be in Goodwill honey man i You have any What are your favorite heroes of mathematics
00:18:22
oh I've got a lot uh you got to start with Newton you got to start with Newton's in my car um he is Isaac Newton
00:18:30
and if we knew another mathematician we would say that's an Einstein carl Marx was an incredible arithmetic oh yeah and
00:18:37
a great comedian too yeah he had an abacus
00:18:43
much i'm okay thanks for running over were you good at math in uh in high school i was very good at math this guy's a whiz kid i was a whiz kid but uh
00:18:51
you know uh I got out of it i think I hit a wall something stupid like geometry didn't click with me yeah yeah
00:18:57
all my scholarships and down the drain that was the only one I was good at was geometry oh meet square peg
00:19:05
i like that the best cuz I'm good with pictures you know oh yeah but there's numbers i'm not good with pictures yeah
00:19:10
were you good at multiple choice yes for the sag can I give you one okay what
00:19:16
doesn't belong here apple pear banana tank
00:19:22
what kind of banana is it chita this is a trick question yeah it is is tank the name of a fruit
00:19:29
kevin was shocked when he said if math was more pictures than numbers he would have been great i would have turns out
00:19:35
it's so much it's more numbers I What's your top five worries in just your personal life is climate change in the
00:19:42
mix kevin is your number one worry your seven of my um my number one worry is
00:19:47
that gorilla yeah is it If it's that gorilla they showed I would be scared but go ahead
00:19:53
how about a thousand men trying to take it down how about me taking on a hundred gorillas and let's see what the [ __ ]
00:19:58
going on you're talking about one gorilla and he takes down well um I think you know the top five worries I
00:20:03
think for everybody is um except for spade is financial financial and then
00:20:08
health right right and then and then your car they always say invest wisely
00:20:14
and then bags under your eyes bag eyes that's one of mine and then any kind of tunnel thanks comments carpal tunnel did
00:20:22
you honestly no joke did you sleep on your face last night someone called me a pound puppy that's what people say i'm
00:20:28
sorry i'm not You know those old pound puppies they have dogs with big droopy baggy eyes yeah i'm going to Brad Pitt's
00:20:33
guy and I'm going to say take a samurai do it every day do you um Why Brad Pit does he has a I I don't think he just
00:20:39
looks good if anyone looks good I want to Do you use a CPAT machine at night do I i do not you want me to it's kind of
00:20:46
fun what does it help it helps if you're snoring or if you um wake up with a uh
00:20:53
sleep apnea where you could gasping it oh you'll wake up i do it yeah I do you wake up and you're gasping yeah I do
00:20:59
that oh what if you wake up and you're kind of like that was a sexy dream you don't have a right oh no no have you
00:21:04
ever waking up with a boner let's look at a clip not mine by the way like these
00:21:10
two guys cuz we're just in here together like Kevin's rhythm comedically and yours just there's symmetry there i mean
00:21:16
it's kind of nice but who came different but no Kevin by the way we can mention it here and mention it later kevin is uh
00:21:23
shooting a special yes at the Irvine Improv Great Room great room incredible
00:21:29
what are the dates uh the date's going to be May um 10th may 10th Saturday at
00:21:35
the Urban Improv and I you know two shows two shows 6:00 and 8:30 irvine
00:21:40
improv tickets are going very quickly not really low ticket warning low ticketing no Irvine does fill up and
00:21:47
it's such a good comedy crowd they're really great yeah they people should check this out cuz Kevin I've been
00:21:53
watching for years and years and uh always guaranteed funny i see you doing even practice the improv killing kevin
00:22:00
Yan is everybody's all the comedians know he's one of the all-time great everybody's friend's favorite comedian
00:22:06
now you know they say neighbor Batsi goes I'm everyone's mother's favorite comedian yeah right is this um do you
00:22:13
feel like you're at the top of your game coming in at the top of my game feel like an athlete i'm at the top of my game and it is downhill after this i'll
00:22:19
tell you that but I'm telling you I've been working a lot on the road lately and I'm gotta be honest with you i'm
00:22:25
kind of funny i'm kind of funny oh you are yeah and um I I I can't wait to do
00:22:31
this actually i'm I'm really you know I used to I did other specials before and I was kind of worried about it you know do the exact same thing each show but
00:22:38
now I'm just going in i'm having fun yeah it is such a mind thing if you It is a mind thing that
00:22:45
[Music]
00:22:52
Let's keep talking keep talking so we're talking about Kevin's special tickets are going very very fast irvine improv
00:22:58
May 10th Irvine Improv and he's at the top of his game top of my game it is like an athletic thing scotty I got to
00:23:05
tell you this um I've been doing a lot of research on specials i've talked to Dane about this and I've been going on
00:23:11
Netflix by the way there's like a thousand specials on Netflix so I don't think there's specials anymore right u
00:23:16
so I'm looking at different backdrops that people are using you know to to get an idea yeah mh and then I came across
00:23:23
yours and I thought well let me hear what let me hear what Spade does in the in his act in the beginning let me see
00:23:29
how he gets into it and you did a bit that was exactly the a bit I was going
00:23:34
to do in the beginning yeah and I thought "Oh my god that was like my that was my coming out of the gate get him on
00:23:40
my side and then I could just cruise for the rest of the show." Okay you can still do that and what is the bit the bit is uh I just do a truncated but he
00:23:47
really milks it he he's got a better better way of doing it but I say um so I'm outside right i'm out front of
00:23:54
the club and I'm talking to this woman i don't know who she is fan and um she's
00:24:01
one of these people who likes to announce that she's a hugger before she hugs you she says "I'm a hugger." And I
00:24:07
said "Well I'm a kisser." She wasn't a hugger anymore and then I go on but so I'm watching Spades thing a
00:24:13
good quickie oh [ __ ] is that your special it was kind of because during co
00:24:18
I'm a hugger then she goes it was she's an ass grabber and all that so just absolute sometimes it happens parallel
00:24:25
yeah i mean there's so many comedians out there now i mean people are a lot of comics are doing the same hunks same
00:24:31
topics and I'm going through these things i'm thinking okay got to get rid of that got to get rid of that got to get rid of that it's your spin on it
00:24:38
because back when we started everyone had a 7-Eleven joke at McDonald's but then I was like listening to Dennis
00:24:44
Miller and I'm like well he's not a hack he's doing all of them but he just does his version of it so as long as it's your version of each joke who cares well
00:24:51
I like the way you did my version of it really well yeah you know you I remember that night you went and saw Kevin at the
00:24:57
store and you go he was really funny opener was great i said I have no ideas for a special then I saw him and I go I
00:25:02
have a lot of ideas and then you said all of a sudden you had a new act but you you said you saw him there and then
00:25:08
you also saw him at the ice house no I just did one but you're going to Dana was telling you about shots dana wasn't
00:25:14
happy with his shots yeah he liked the cowboy shot and so you try to go loose even this is like it's it's it's really
00:25:20
nothing but it's kind of important and I like to show both of us so it's just like a more of a [ __ ] let's let them
00:25:26
in on the what the cowboy shot is this is like it started with Steve Allen I think or Carson comes out for the
00:25:31
monologue if he had a pair of six shooters you'd still see the bottom of the guns so it's sort of like mid-upper
00:25:37
thigh and also then if if you gesture like so I went to Nova Scotia you could
00:25:43
still see the hands in the frame yeah yeah and so that's the shot you want to stay on most of the time the special I
00:25:48
did for some reason they didn't they had eight cameras they didn't have that shot they had head to toe or here or here
00:25:55
tight and here is good for horror films but for comedy it's
00:26:01
editorializing and when it's that Jimmy Kimmel Fallon they all do coar they all
00:26:06
do that cowboy shot you should be a cinematographer you're so good at noticing those things you're thinking of
00:26:11
that i know i can't help well when you There's a shot of sweating like Oh yeah
00:26:17
yeah some comic you're like "Oh this guy's working." I think just the title alone will bring people to my show it's
00:26:22
okay loosen the crotch loosen the crotch loose in the crotch hilarious mostly i
00:26:28
like it i'm my I'm doing one too it's called What's Up [ __ ] oh yeah and who is she i'm trying to stop yours david if
00:26:36
your special wasn't dandelion what was it going to be it was going to be in between benching
00:26:41
that's good actually a friend of mine Larry Bubbles Brown who's like just very funny that was where I got the line from
00:26:48
he wanted to name my special don't laugh [ __ ] you're next i don't mind well it's
00:26:54
such a such a painting a picture of something you're just called Danalion that's a great title that's like Chris
00:27:00
Rock's you know tambourine you have no idea i don't mind one word it's kind of vague and it really kind of means cuz in
00:27:06
one of my bits I say I almost got in a fight at McDonald's and I say guys I can't get in a fight i'm a bit of a
00:27:12
dandelion i look tough on TV but I will I will break easy and then I couldn't
00:27:17
think of a title but that's good too cuz you could kind of refer back to it says well that's you know when I did
00:27:22
Dandelion you know as opposed to that's when he did Loose in the Crotch it's not the same don't you love when people
00:27:29
refer to shows they do and truncate it i knew a guy who worked on Save by the Bell and he wanted it to seem more fancy
00:27:35
he goes "Yeah that was when I was working on Bell you know and uh you know SABD." It's like curb your enthusiasm
00:27:41
yeah we worked on Bell you know but uh you know I was working on Dandy you know
00:27:47
that was my Dandy i know curb your enthusiasm went down to curb but it could have just It's easier than saying
00:27:52
I worked on enthusiasm you tighten it that way it's hard to do that i don't know if they'd go Feld i
00:27:59
Yeah we I had a show called Feld seinfeld you guys are two of the people
00:28:04
I think I could sit and listen to the most and enjoy like a conversation like in a booth at a diner not um not
00:28:11
separately that would be horrible right because you need Well you know in Russia because a guy a Russian friend of mine
00:28:18
said this is that if they go for Valka they always get a third so they never
00:28:23
have two guys going out it's almost intrinsically kind of romantic just two guys alone what do you wife what do you
00:28:29
like what woman to do you know so they get a third so right now we're in a third so if you say something funny you
00:28:35
might have two people laughing if I say something funny I probably have two people laughing and then people in the
00:28:41
background laughing really are as well now if David that's the same policy I have for a
00:28:46
threesome you know what I mean you don't want two oneonone i did have a You've ever done a two and a half you've had a
00:28:52
recent i had one recently in college did I tell you this recently when did you just graduate in college it Okay it was me my buddy and
00:29:01
this other guy okay listen it was one of us was supposed to be a girl that was the first plan that was the blueprint
00:29:07
and then it got nighttime she flaked and I'm like "Guys it's all set up let's
00:29:13
just run through it once let's just grab someone let's just see if we get the beats down." You know what I mean let's just dry and and you know we got the
00:29:20
candles it looks like a sting video and so I don't understand in hindsight it seemed gay when when I explained it to
00:29:26
people and then they explained it to me it didn't it It was gay yeah i'm sorry there's nothing wrong with that but some
00:29:33
of the seams is I guess is out of it now it's all just Well hindsight got to be gay
00:29:38
hindsight be a good name for a special oh man that would be good hindsight but then you got to put that word in there somewhere maybe oh you're That's the
00:29:45
hard thing of doing that is like a movie and then the title somewhere in it it's not a rule but it's kind of interesting
00:29:50
that Dandelion was in it but I thought I liked Dandelion and then I go I got to
00:29:56
make sure I do that bit because I want to say it in there somewhere what about these guys who uh have t-shirts printed
00:30:01
up with their joke on it and they got like a thousand t-shirts and they they got to keep doing that joke oh that's
00:30:07
right to sell the t-shirts who is the first one you remember that had merch um
00:30:13
Vic Dunlop was mine yeah what a good memory remember him you're right you know him eyes were red regulars they
00:30:21
were like it was is what people Well you don't know a bit from their act that would kill they decided "Oh I'll bring
00:30:28
up suitcase full of these goofy eyes and then people laugh they walk out drunk they grab it for 10 bucks or something."
00:30:34
The great thing about danaline is you could just put that on a shirt and people like that anyway
00:30:39
it'll be a skinny dan line with a little band-aid on it and the white parts will be my hair and it'll say blow me it's
00:30:46
not bad oh so it's not the uh overly ripe dental yeah but I I thought that's
00:30:51
what they all were no that's how stupid I am kevin's like "Oh my god no." That's good to be able to say "Blow me." It's
00:30:58
like wasn't Howard Sternsburg coming all over you again or something no that was Tom Cigur's tour is I'm coming all over
00:31:04
the world no Howard Stern had a book so why how come we never did Hans and
00:31:10
Fron's t-shirt i guess we couldn't back in those days hey have you read the book man huh have you read the Lauren book
00:31:15
i'm on page 800 uh really i just wait for other people to read it and then explain it to me have you read it but my
00:31:22
wife read it and she every morning she gives me a recap oh really oh that's good so I might do that as a p like as a
00:31:28
Instagram like every day read it and just kind of give a little go on for a long time i'd watch it cuz I want to
00:31:34
know what's in it yeah she just photos is there photos in it a couple just me
00:31:40
though just a lot of different Oh he's always my favorite do you still draw cartoons something about Kevin did you
00:31:47
ever draw me uh not yet it's interesting to see how many people got fired from that show that you didn't know got fired
00:31:54
and was it was it it was soft firing though kind of we talked to Taran K about that it was sort of like you're
00:31:59
just not you're never like you're fired it just sort of slowly back like Farley and Sandler you know i didn't know that
00:32:06
did you soft firing right did you know they got fired i didn't know that i did not know that i knew I found out about a
00:32:11
year ago that they got fired me too yeah um because we were we were doing that threesome and we was that you the third
00:32:18
guy what school did you go to but that book it's it's pretty uh it's pretty interesting from what I'm hearing oh
00:32:24
Lawrence yeah oh I'm sure i heard it was really good she spent eight Susan Morrison eight years on and
00:32:30
off 10 years i say she came on here and you have to bought it really it's good yeah yeah nice would you like to have a
00:32:36
book uh written about you no because I don't like everyone's recollection they were like "Oh in Arizona my friend drove
00:32:42
with you you were sitting on a keg in the back of a truck all the way to Flagstaff cracking jokes the whole
00:32:47
time." I'm like "Wrong wrong wrong." Would never be in the back would never be cracking jokes the whole time keg
00:32:53
maybe but it's always like stories that are like a It would drive me crazy if I was these super famous people that you
00:32:59
have to read like all these things about yourself and you know some's true some's not but you just feel like an [ __ ]
00:33:05
okay pop quiz uh it's three million to write the book banana what's the question
00:33:12
tank you don't want to write a book but they say here's three million for David Spade to write i know Dana's thing is
00:33:18
like I'm about money and camera angle would you do my book and then you say absolutely not would you do it for this much and you go well you know I do this
00:33:25
hiking show as you know cuz you were both on there park or three times yeah and often
00:33:31
people go "Who was the most um of a handful um on your hike?" And I said "Well you
00:33:38
know everybody's great." I said "No if you had to name one." I said "Well David Spade um David Spade finally agreed to
00:33:46
do it after two years of me the sun might blind him." And no he said that "Okay I'll do it but it's got to be in
00:33:53
between rush hour traffic and it's got to be totally flat." I got to be flat
00:33:58
it's got to be flat and I got I got just a trail it was totally flat you [ __ ] And we're walking and all of a sudden he
00:34:04
stops and he goes "Are we going uphill?" It was like a 1% grade i could feel it
00:34:10
he could feel it and he had to have food feel my neck i had to have a picnic you'd had to have picnic halfway through
00:34:16
poor Kevin first of all I did say I did suggest that Kmart parking lot on third
00:34:22
by the Grove i go "It's funny it's flat okay all we're going to do is talk do we really need to beat the [ __ ] out of me?"
00:34:27
And he's like "Yes we do it was very legit what part of it is the effort kind of No anyway so then not in your episode
00:34:35
not big on effort and then but Kevin I was thinking what a puss I am he's
00:34:40
holding a camera right and you have all these waters for me and you to make sure little trail mix for me when I black out
00:34:47
first aid kit for when I get bit by a snake so we're walking up and I'm like this poor guy and it didn't even bother
00:34:53
you you were just like "Well it's flat." Yeah well you're still holding stuff do
00:34:58
you ever wonder what people say about you at your u your your memorial i know that's kind of sad but I do think about
00:35:05
it sometimes don't you wish you could have a memorial before you die i feel that's called a birthday party or
00:35:11
something or it's called something you're right you know what you know you're getting old when someone goes "How old are you?" and you go blah blah
00:35:17
blah and they go "Still kicking." Am I Am I that close to not kicking
00:35:22
anymore the worst is when they say "You know you look good for your age." So in other words you're really old but you
00:35:27
look good but you're pulling it off i know i used to tease Sandler i don't do it anymore but I would always say "So
00:35:32
you're what?" And I would knowing I'm saying like six years younger so you're like 34 right now right and he goes "Oh
00:35:38
Carmen you son of a bitch." You know it's like he's 40 but always go older like I just tell people I'm 87 because I
00:35:45
want I I just want to be shocked i want them to go "What?" I like to go up to muscular people you know that I know i
00:35:51
go "So when did you stop working out?" That's so great then you get them in a headlock here's
00:35:57
one I think we shouldn't do as a society this is pretty heavy for everyone interesting but every time someone
00:36:02
croakkes whatever delicately put there's they put them on their Instagram you
00:36:08
know and everyone says this really nice things they should do that when people are getting toward the end like they
00:36:13
should see that i never got the thing about writing on Instagram to someone who's dead or someone who's not there and they write this long thing that's
00:36:20
for people to say "Oh what a good guy you are." They can't read it no so they would cherish it if they saw it before
00:36:28
okay let me have you this is I'm I'm fascin I I love that and I'm also fascinated general topic is people who
00:36:35
have successfully faked their own death and disappeared on planet Earth so if
00:36:42
you were going to fake your own death and really had to get away with it finally what would you do you have 5
00:36:47
seconds well I've done it several times so I know people thought I was dead until I
00:36:53
came on here your name is Vladimir Kis show on the CW i think I would I
00:36:59
would uh uh remember uh what's his name dc Cooper
00:37:04
or something he jumped out of Yeah that's Cooper probably successful he parachuted out probably yeah and Annie
00:37:10
Kaufman of course faked his death he's still out there somewhere eddie Kaufman yeah they they say a lot of people are
00:37:15
Elvis i think I would have to do something with an explosion so that it would seem like there's no way I could
00:37:21
have lived but um no questions well first of all you want to um leave everything at home so they would think
00:37:29
that you couldn't go anywhere without your credit card or your passport or anything yeah you'd have to leave it all there so Oh okay yeah and then um I
00:37:37
think um I think I would almost kill myself do you know what I mean so I I could like
00:37:43
come out of a coma later like in the middle of the woods well you could say you have amnesia or something yeah see I
00:37:49
could I could convince people that I was dead without going anywhere do you understand what I'm saying no I don't i
00:37:55
don't either i'm riffing um what about the lady that said she got she had an affair but she just came out and she said I was attacked i don't remember
00:38:01
anything and she beat herself up they bought it for about 10 minutes and they go "Hey you want one you can have one."
00:38:06
I'm going to have one of these these are mine now but I'll give you one oh talk about gorilla testicles
00:38:14
tasty good let's get that in slow motion tighten in dana you haven't had this many carbs in I don't know how many
00:38:19
years i just don't It would make me sick i can't have that much [ __ ] is this a jelly donut or they look delicious
00:38:25
though [ __ ] [ __ ] Kevin this is expensive is it talking this is nice i
00:38:30
could return two of them they said if there's any unlike
00:38:36
Yeah yeah I get it but um God yeah I don't know how would you um how would you make it look like you died
00:38:44
well [Music] um question skateboarding accident i
00:38:52
went out to skate the desert pipes and then I just disappeared and they thought the coyotes got me and then people
00:38:58
didn't know if they meant the coyotes that bring you over the border and it was just so Okay this is mine i would I
00:39:04
would introduce to the world that I'm a long-distance ocean swimmer and so for at least three months I would go out
00:39:10
there and I'd swim in the ocean and then one day I would you know have hire some
00:39:16
local bandits or whatever have a rowboat bandits and I just get in their boat and you know I'd take off my trunks and the
00:39:23
flippers and everything that's a great idea and then I would just row to sleeping with the enemy remember that
00:39:28
movie Julia Roberts let's look at a clip she swam off she did yeah i'm more about
00:39:35
leaving parts of my body so that they think that Well that's it like I would take Okay this is something I really
00:39:42
have to sacrifice no joke the lower my jaw i would rip that out so they have
00:39:47
dental records they know it's me and where's the rest of the body doesn't matter does a tooth count or they can't
00:39:54
tell they have to look at your whole jaw just a dental the dental i think like if you left a tooth can they tell it's
00:40:00
yours yeah maybe first of all I'll put um tattoos on all my teeth as like a bit
00:40:07
then I'll know I have that then I just leave one tooth and then I want to go you want to
00:40:12
put that in there can I just put that in there and keep it safe i'll put this on top of here you know
00:40:19
these are really sweet i was I was on a date with this girl and I go "Hey do you want the rest of this
00:40:24
pasta?" She goes "I don't want the rest of anything just give me a new one." I was like "Wow God how long did you go
00:40:30
out dude I faked the bathroom and I bounced no I didn't that's a disappearing act
00:40:37
like I just be And then you just b ghost out that's ruhoohoo how do you How far
00:40:42
do you think um someone was hustled uh as you
00:40:48
know as a you know what is the record for hustling somebody like out of a club you know how they hustle you out you
00:40:54
know like they're throwing you out but then they keep going they keep hustling yeah they are down you know on to the 405 they're
00:41:02
still hustling down to San and then keep going to the 10 well the record is 30 miles oh I didn't know that yeah yeah
00:41:09
flat you would like it what joke did I think of yours the other day i always tell you the same ones i'm trying to think of different ones you always You
00:41:17
always uh bring up the joke I used to do um you know I got a really nice camera
00:41:22
it's one of those black ones that's cuz every camera was black back then i was like this wow back in the day mhm that
00:41:28
was good the the Nestled in the Hills the hotel again this is all memorial
00:41:35
stuff you know you don't do anymore huh you don't do those anymore no I don't you don't no you don't keep stuff like
00:41:42
that do you uh once in a while if I'm stuck in a jam I do I do your jokes oh here's a good story i ran into David
00:41:48
Letterman over the holidays and he could not be more complimentary yeah and I never felt
00:41:55
like I knew him that much or that he was a fan of mine but he was listing stuff he goes "Oh that you know you did the
00:42:02
the um Mark Twain uh thing for Lauren you were the funniest one there." Oh wow
00:42:07
uh I love your hiking show i watch it all the time really good i'm not kidding it's a really good show and he goes "And
00:42:12
then I keep quoting your joke uh the Lincoln joke." Uh and he and I what
00:42:18
Lincoln joke he goes "You know the one where you know the one you do the Lincoln joke." I said 'I don't I'm not
00:42:23
sure what which one you're talking about you know the Lincoln joke where uh it goes like this you know um you know
00:42:29
Abraham Lincoln used to walk to school every day in the snow but what they
00:42:36
don't tell you is he was late every day i go I don't I don't remember that one
00:42:41
he goes well I've been giving you credit for it everywhere so I thought well maybe I did do that and then I thought
00:42:46
I'm going to I'm going to do that again man i'm going to do that i'm next to my next set so I go up there and I do it
00:42:51
crickets number one i don't personally get it because he walks so long he's late every day i know but why but you
00:42:58
don't you know you think he's a hero but you know what what has to be set up like it was unbelievable he walked in a blizzard every day said he got there he
00:43:05
was a hero he had most abs needs a much bigger setup i'm just quoting really
00:43:10
late yeah we're fixing this joke that Kevin didn't even do i think I think our friend David Letterman misremembered it
00:43:17
i think he would have written it a lot better i ran into him and he didn't read my resume a friend of mine gave me a
00:43:23
joke friend of mine gave me a joke that I was doing again at the beginning of my act
00:43:29
and I thought it was his but it turned out that it was like a well-known old joke that's been around forever and it
00:43:35
goes something like this and then you can punch it there's a lot of those though yeah i mean it's like we don't
00:43:41
know stock jokes we don't know where they came from yeah so this guy um you know you really have to appreciate
00:43:46
things in life you know a lot of people don't like I know of a guy he has um sex twice a day he reads three books a week
00:43:52
and he's always working out yet here he is still complaining about being in prison i mean really good that's not
00:43:58
yours is it no that's a good That's a good joke but I thought it was his and
00:44:03
so then when I I Googled it and it's you know it's like oh joke that's out there i have this joke that gets such a laugh
00:44:10
i don't know why two Irish men walk out of a bar it could happen why is that get such a laugh i do it as George W cuz
00:44:17
they're all drunks right well you got to give a name of the pub you know you got to give him likely well if I do as a
00:44:23
character it gets a big laugh oh you do the Irish accent no I do george W bush i said he was a funny you know is it
00:44:29
because they're all drunks the Yeah the core knowledge you'd have to think is they never leave a bar
00:44:35
because they're alcoholics but there's more tea tollers in Ireland than any other country really yeah but the ones
00:44:40
who drink make up for it but they love their tea the British people and English people let's have a proper tea huh can
00:44:47
we have a proper tea cup of tea my mother-in-law is Irish 94 and she's
00:44:53
Everything is tea would you like a cup of tea i'm the worst at uh British accents i don't I don't think you are
00:44:58
either i think you're worse at SNL when they had a table read and everybody had to be British phil Harmon everybody
00:45:05
doing different you know places of of England and and it comes around to me
00:45:10
all I could do is John Lennon Tom you know that's good that's
00:45:15
all I could do yeah and everybody laugh here's where I got to laugh because they
00:45:21
go "You have to do German." And this one I go "German." And then they go and I think Mike Myers was Hitler and they go
00:45:26
to me and I go mine
00:45:31
then I got a laugh i go "Oh." So every time they kept coming back to me I [ __ ] milk the odd Jew out of it i was
00:45:37
like this
00:45:43
cat likes some milk i give it to him do you have any cats do you have any animals
00:45:49
um do I have any animals in this i have to ask someone no I I I share a dog
00:45:56
named June Bug june Bug june Bug nice bulldog cute i have a great name for a
00:46:01
dog if I ever got one that's a good idea what are the names chowder chowder yeah
00:46:06
like clam chowder but chada as they say in Boston chada yeah that sounds so much like chada chada i like boss anyone know
00:46:14
what is what's up boss i boss Irvine improv we just keep I keep Irvine improv
00:46:21
May 10th or what are we doing yeah let's watch a couple more shows we have my special called Loose in the Crotch loose in the
00:46:27
Crotch where do you see 88 irvine improv i thought that was a joke loose in the
00:46:32
crotch no that's great okay it is a joke it's part of a joke there loosen the crowd taping it there and
00:46:39
then we'll see okay so we're going to tape it so show up at the table provide improv a few more stories and we'll bomb
00:46:45
on these and then we'll wrap it up tickets going fast we'll fade out here but the next thing you see is him doing
00:46:50
I thought about be good low ticket warning isn't a bad name for a special oh that's good well Dana had the best
00:46:56
title tell them your title critics's choice choice critics's choice people think "Oh the critics love this."
00:47:01
But no it's a title yeah and then Sandler did Certified Fresh 30 that was coming oh for tomatoes yeah for tomatoes
00:47:09
what are you calling oh the dental i've been in um he's on Amazon probably six Sandler movies and combined we got a
00:47:16
100% rating com no combined we got about a 54 okay we got nine on
00:47:23
Grown-Ups eight on Grown-Ups too great you're still ahead of Master Skies those
00:47:29
tomatoes are harder to get than got negative 19 it was so bad that they actually Rotten Tomatoes like 10 years
00:47:36
later or 15 years later rewrote the review cuz then they thought it was much better and they said it it was if it was
00:47:42
written by little children even the tomatoes turned themselves into ketchup they were so embarrassed for that movie
00:47:48
um okay [Music]
00:47:59
if there was a sarin gas attack where would you go oh I'd under the superfly sign mhm do you have a earthquake
00:48:04
earthquake kit yeah it's got my head shot in it it's got a couple basics you
00:48:10
got a fire kit joe three Triscuits and a slim VHS Joe Dur in there i hope like
00:48:16
this we got such great food in our earth earthquake kit oh you have what do you have some gourmet stuff well not much
00:48:22
now cuz I've been eating it don't get into the earthquake kit oh man I I love it man what do you
00:48:29
have in there spaghetti uh I replaced it with just popcorn i fill it up with popcorn
00:48:35
yeah but you know people get those earthquake kits and stuff and if they put them in the house how are they going
00:48:42
to get to them if the house is totally collapsed i would like a a buzzer that tells you where the earthquake is going
00:48:48
to be so I can get to a part of the house that would help me because chances are you'll be in your car or whatever
00:48:54
they say this last one the buzzer went off but it only gives you 8 seconds like everyone just goes like this for 8
00:49:01
seconds and then like where are you going what's the plan no no no yeah you yell no
00:49:07
oh boy but you weren't threatened by the fire you weren't Dana cuz you live up Nope nope north no it doesn't not a
00:49:12
chance but I haven't been there dana goes "I'm going to move so far there's no fires out there's no fire they don't
00:49:17
know what fire is." We laugh at that it really makes you um realize what's valuable in your life yeah what was you
00:49:26
I was out of town what's valuable i can't remember and the fire was coming close to us you know we're in evacuation red flag area and um I called my
00:49:33
assistant i said "Would you go to the house and get those external drives I have and my passport?" She go "Yeah she
00:49:40
got it fire is not getting to our house yet you know there's no evacuation notice so I
00:49:46
call her back would you go back to the house and less and less valuable stuff will you go back to the house get that
00:49:51
Gibson guitar I have and that art set and then it got to the point with would you go back i have a mechanical pencil
00:49:57
on the desk that I really like you know I like the way it writes sure and there's a a sandwich in the refrigerator
00:50:03
that I made yesterday tuna salad and it goes on and on like this would
00:50:08
you go on would you take the garbage out while you're there yeah we can go back it's just inconvenient you go back hey I
00:50:13
need Hey do do me a favor you know could you get on a plane tomorrow go to my second home in Arizona you know and
00:50:19
check and see if the air condition is on do me a favor do me a favor do me a favor i was on the road and I got this
00:50:25
house right here they had a mansion alert you remember that i have a mansion app
00:50:31
i hate that in the middle of the night no amber Alert when that thing goes off i'm more scared than the kid just for
00:50:37
that short time all right well our guest has been Kevin Nean i'm still Kevin Nan oh our guest
00:50:45
next special still Kevin Nan kevin Irvine Improv may May 10th tickets are
00:50:51
going fast tickets Showtime you can get them on kevin.com okay or you can go to
00:50:56
uh the Irvine Improv and get them on there irvine Improv great room a lot of fun you can eat right there javier
00:51:02
drinks great place paul yeah um I love that place so good luck with it and I'll
00:51:08
see you here at the practice sets and uh let's hike it man let's go a little steeper next time don't be a puss all
00:51:14
right all right i couldn't agree more all right i'm going to leave and you guys you know leave in about 5 minutes okay bye guys spade
00:51:23
out for us nice this has been a presentation of Odyssey
00:51:29
superfly is executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade Jenna Weiss Berman of Odyssey Heather Santoro and
00:51:35
Greg Holtzman hope you liked it
00:51:41
[Music]
