00:00:01
hey David what's the date March 16th no no it's not we're pre-recording this
00:00:09
we had a choice to lie but I said no our podcast doesn't lie did you like it I
00:00:15
immediately lied well look I'm here to bust you on it that's why we're Partners that's true
00:00:20
yeah you lie like like a cool breeze like a rug you lie
00:00:26
like a lot we got Bert crisis Bert Chrysler has a special out today Razzle
00:00:31
dazzles that's a good name Bert Kreischer you know has a special Razzle Dazzle by the way Dana I got a lot of
00:00:39
good feedback from the Brendan Fraser show oh okay and this producer even said he was in the well you should do a movie
00:00:45
about your dick called The Minnow and I go well I don't know I got the podcast I got so much going on right now
00:00:51
why would the producer have an opinion about the size of your appendix is it guesswork based on thumb size he says
00:00:58
don't get mad I'm just brainstorming I go all right well listen there's no bad idea same thing I should he told me I
00:01:04
should have a special called big [ __ ] and I go that's I don't work blue but
00:01:10
and little pubes it's big [ __ ] on Netflix yeah this is good for the bird
00:01:16
intro because this is right we got kind of raunchy with Bert why does it say it's a compliment a guy's hung like a
00:01:21
rhino have you ever seen Rhino genitalia no they're not known sizes well you
00:01:27
can't compete with a horn in the front they say Rhino's wieners are about that's what they're going extinct yeah
00:01:33
no one wants to [ __ ] I'm even a female rights no animals finally gone are and
00:01:38
great we were pretty on Heaven are the happiest I've seen our crew here right we got he talks about going on a dating
00:01:45
quotes with Will Smith remember yes yes well first of all he's a great Storyteller he's he's he's uh
00:01:53
sober when he does our our podcast so his Energy's off the charts he's like kind of human Xanax I mean he is just a
00:02:01
cheerful fun what does he kind of calm you down because he's so effusive yeah and he
00:02:07
tells this great story about interacting with Will Smith hysterical he's very
00:02:13
he's very huggable he hugged him a few times during it he came here to do it he didn't mind it but
00:02:19
when you snuck up from behind him and really you know what I did I hid in his chest hair and then no one said anything and then he started talking I go
00:02:30
yes yeah I saw someone in his pubes I go I don't want to give it away
00:02:44
and he and I Bond over our mutual fear of flying and our need to have an adult
00:02:49
beverage while we're flying so we we actually he levitated out of his seat
00:02:55
when he found out that some some tactics I do on a morning flight to get a a
00:03:01
cocktail because I don't like flying David loves it I hate flying I flew this
00:03:06
week and I I was stuck in coach because of some lemony snickety unfortunate event
00:03:13
so I'm in the back and they have like literally a one foot curtain like this so I can't see the people in first class so I'd go like this
00:03:20
and they go don't look at the rich people sir and someone was watching King Kong on
00:03:27
their thing and I was trying to watch between the cracks and I see Jack Black and they block it with her arm like [ __ ]
00:03:33
man come on let me watch this because you didn't have a recent coach we're gonna give people sending you devices to
00:03:38
watch them I'm going to send you a mini iPad no I think I think they got confused because when I got to the
00:03:44
decade I go put me in coach and then they go okay
00:03:49
and I go no I didn't mean put me in coach they actually didn't even have a keyboard they just went like yeah
00:03:56
um okay so what else something happened to you on the road that's your next book my throat is a little trash but um David
00:04:03
has not intentionally got a sultry voice it's from performing right I apologize
00:04:09
for the sexiness yeah but it's good you know I feel like still
00:04:14
I'm still out there trying Hey kid I'm gonna talk like Harrison Ford the rest
00:04:19
of the time we do that what's the problem kid oh God I had a joke my voice can't think
00:04:25
about it anyway that's it all right let's just keep going enough about us oh yeah the doctor said
00:04:32
try not to interrupt people for a week and I said oh no come on oh we practice cross talking twice a week it's like
00:04:39
training we get on the phone and go okay I'll talk you talk and talk over each other just to keep in shape because
00:04:45
heaven forbid we let the other guy talk you want to practice [ __ ] these guests
00:04:54
bye [Music]
00:05:02
so I was gonna do um I got an awful right of self-help book here's here's my pitch okay okay I think
00:05:09
you guys will understand this oh oh definitely we're all over this I was listening to your podcast I have more fear of flying and more Neurosis around
00:05:15
flying and having beer than you do if that's possible I should fly together I
00:05:21
would like to go to for town on that because my flying has got I remember one time so I'm ritualistic
00:05:26
when I fly before I fly in the shower to watch every part of my body and then I have to squat down like a captain and
00:05:32
say prayers and I do certain rituals in my prayers i i Circle every family member in my family three times in case
00:05:39
I die I just make sure they're wrapped in love and then I do this is I'm gonna sound like a [ __ ] lunatic my name is Burt reister guys
00:05:45
when I would occasionally get private jets provided for me yeah I would have the beer here and going down the runway
00:05:53
and we definitely have to fly together when we took off that made the beer go
00:05:58
and that's as we took off you would drink every time don't worry we cut all the comedy out of this every year this
00:06:04
is more of a self-help everything with birds so so I've done so
00:06:09
so in my rituals I get through my rituals and then and then uh one of the rituals was I had to respect the fear or
00:06:18
if I because if I didn't respect the fear like these other idiots right who were just sitting there thinking I'm just going to work those are the [ __ ]
00:06:24
that die because they don't respect the the fragility of life I'm respecting it by drinking my [ __ ] face off and
00:06:30
going this is how we'll get there I mean I my my flying got so bad that like I I
00:06:36
mean I now I've flown this month sober and in a weird way I can watch the anxiety creep
00:06:42
in it's almost like a whisper like like an [ __ ] friend yeah
00:06:50
yeah you won't even know you won't even care that you're flying yeah you know
00:06:55
when planes make that noise or goes like when you take off I think they all do it but in my head I always go this is what
00:07:01
you hear in the movies when you're like going down and I go no one's even looking that this is a weird noise oh
00:07:07
well wait a minute there's always a point when I think I'll die David there's a new flight this is this is a
00:07:12
commercial flight but they're the 787 10x I know every plane I do too by the
00:07:17
way I know more about planes and Pilots that's so funny seats on every plane oh I know where you
00:07:24
don't want to sit and where you do want to sit yeah so there's a there's a key okay there's 77 engines are so quiet it
00:07:29
flies different than any other plane and you can fly it from LA to Newark yeah but you're doing all the short hops but
00:07:35
when I flew back I took off completely I just do my breathing nothing in me you
00:07:41
know because it's too embarrassing 8 30 flights excuse me
00:07:53
but my wife only wants coffee so she'll get coffee and a Heineken how the [ __ ]
00:07:58
did we marry these dead inside human beings who can have a cup of coffee
00:08:03
for me she orders a Heineken for herself
00:08:10
I drink mine and hers and then I put empty bottles on her tray and go I can't stop her she's a lush Dana I've never
00:08:17
connected more the human being other than my wife than you right now this Ric
00:08:22
Flair and I are on a flight okay uh I'm next to my wife he's next to his wife yes the lady comes back she goes can I
00:08:28
get you guys something to drink what time is it uh seven in the morning perfect some out of Charlotte I think Charlotte's a [ __ ] it's a base
00:08:35
can I get you a cocktail and she goes to Rick and Rick says uh double uh double
00:08:41
bloody mary for me and a double bloody mary for her and he goes interesting so he comes over to me can I get you a drink and I said uh I'm gonna take a
00:08:48
double Jack in the Box you wanna double Jack in the rocks and she's like my new wife nods right so we both get our Jack of the Rocks what I do is I drink hers
00:08:54
first because she's the alcoholic in there right yes and as I do it I look over Ric Flair's already murdered his
00:08:59
wife's uh and I go I'm drinking like Ric Flair like we all have the same cheat code when we get our plane I used to fly
00:09:05
with my producer for Travel Channel and pretend she was my wife so that I could make her drink and I could ever drink oh
00:09:11
yeah oh there's a lot of tricks to the tray I used to have the early days I'd have a bucket of of 10 beers between my
00:09:17
uh right Jesus yeah I've way slowed down I've gotten better I don't know why like
00:09:23
you do like I only fly five times a year so I don't go on yeah but you do two you try you try to do a bus I live in a bus
00:09:30
uh yeah but I have to fly in and out and I fly to do two bears one cave I fly so
00:09:35
my week my month will go uh I'll have one week off right now it's been one bear four caves is that how it is it
00:09:42
just mixes up a little bit Yeah there's bears and caves of all kinds I do I'll go on the road I'll do one week on the
00:09:47
road then I'll do Monday Tuesday Wednesday and Austin to do two bears then go back straight on the road and
00:09:53
then I'll come home for a week right now I'm going to my daughter's uh parents weekend for the my week off and then
00:09:59
I'll go back on a road yeah no [ __ ] and then I go back I can't even go to her College [ __ ] I already have a lot of
00:10:05
respect man for flying sober on these little Hopper planes in in lightning and
00:10:10
and we're going to ask everyone to take a seat for a while we're going to have some you know so have you been traumatized truly terrified on a plane
00:10:17
because of an engine failure and stuff like that uh uh I've had a number of I've had a number of incidents with
00:10:24
horrific uh one time one time this is a a one of those Clarity moments I was
00:10:30
sitting next to one of my cameramen we were flying from Canada or from Alaska down to LA and we had horrible
00:10:35
turbulence out over Vancouver Island yeah and he was like what is what are you freaking out over and I said I
00:10:41
haven't I feel like I haven't lived my life I haven't lived like I haven't felt fulfilled what I what I want to
00:10:47
accomplish in my life he looks at me and he goes do you realize how insulting that is I said what he goes I've been
00:10:53
filming you live your life he goes I've done nothing man you should be drinking
00:10:58
now that's a funny twist well I you know I've I've seen flight attendance person in tears uh engines conked out emergency
00:11:05
Landings uh without the seat belt I'm not in the seat things fly around so
00:11:11
then I think you know aren't we kind of wired for neuroses in a way if you're a
00:11:17
sensitive instrument you're comedian you're trying to notice everything then I just find the whole premise I've flown
00:11:22
with you into Texas once it's pretty wild well I'm like yeah you get super calm yeah I feel a lot of things powder
00:11:30
as an example as a joke so often and if you know not about it you know the
00:11:36
director of that guy caught molesting boys no maybe allegedly I don't know maybe someone Google that that's it but
00:11:43
no but I've used that because I've used powder so much you know what I was one of the best movies ever oh okay it's
00:11:49
about a kid that gets okay Don he's got all these powers and he's very sensitive and uh I don't have the powers I'm just
00:11:56
a sensitive [ __ ] guy I thought you meant you you guys like powder you're like sand no that might be better he's
00:12:02
hairless he's a hairless album I'm a combo between Lucas and powder because I
00:12:07
went out for football when I weighed 114 and I got [ __ ] cremated why would you go out for one more I I love because I'm
00:12:14
trying to fit in when tackle football came in and I was 5-1 93 I went to track
00:12:19
I said yeah my uncle told me to go in gymnastics I go why don't I just blow this he's like it's up to you but yeah
00:12:25
you could do that Iron Cross I could do yeah I did the horse I did uh you did
00:12:31
the normal horse oh yeah thorax I did I wonder you're so parallel bars I was ripped we were kind of you're like
00:12:38
wiring me it's good if you want to go in a friendship for the rest of your life with all there's a lot of chicks in
00:12:44
there and I go yeah but I'm their friend I mean they they go you wouldn't be straight if you were I could you could
00:12:49
you get girls in high school no it was no fans no it was all uh
00:12:55
well of course it's okay well no exponentially like Mickey Rooney told me money I.E fame money makes you handsomer
00:13:02
it's true I went from Nerdy and geeky to interesting I like the uh Underdog I go oh that
00:13:10
wasn't really the game what about you I wonder sometimes what kind of [ __ ] I can get now you would do great yeah because I'm I'm
00:13:17
landlocked to this [ __ ] menopausal [ __ ]
00:13:22
well you have a great wife already because she'll hear this and go hi Bert she'll laugh like like uh she she's
00:13:29
she's just I don't know I love her and so like I do and I'm I don't I haven't been my new special about it but I I
00:13:36
don't really I don't really I never was like uh I was never a sex dude I was
00:13:41
more party dude like I was never I I think I'm very sensitive and so if I just wanted to fall in love I remember I
00:13:47
was telling someone I was yeah I'd go to bars in college and everyone was like I hope I get laid and I was like I hope I meet someone who
00:13:52
understands me like I'm so different put up with me yeah yeah or someone that wants to just go get pizza and not go to
00:13:58
bars anymore and just hang out how old were you when women who wouldn't have looked at you in high school or college
00:14:03
were kind of overtly nervous talking to you of 49. so and you're you're 48.
00:14:12
well we have to remind the audience this Bert Kreischer yeah he is a big time
00:14:17
comedian podcaster all around very interesting past uh we were doing some
00:14:23
extra digging I know you a little bit but we were doing some digging and Dana of course doesn't know no I I have a
00:14:28
photographic memory Florida State University it have the Gator Bowl no that's that's that's Florida because I
00:14:35
played that once yeah I think I I one might have been there well I've never seen anything no so it was it was called
00:14:40
Gator growl yes and Tim when the football players came out because they all had it's like Close Encounters of
00:14:46
the Third Kind yeah they were all stunning Tim Tebow right and when they came I was behind them it was beyond the
00:14:52
Beatles and Elvis they were in those games it was at night just a lot of
00:14:58
those dudes went to prison yeah like uh well yeah I think well Tim Tebow is a good guy but I think Aaron Hernandez was
00:15:04
on that team I think the the two brothers were on that team because of Harvey Weinstein kind of stuff I think
00:15:09
so okay well code for whatever they were at training camp they didn't know it was for prison
00:15:15
um you know in Tampa was your first oh here's my first thing when you were from Tampa was your first joke I'm a tampon
00:15:21
from Tampa oh full blooded tampon even better yeah you [ __ ] peppered it up well because
00:15:29
he was uh I don't know where I'm going well people don't know this which is kind of interesting if I'll just do it
00:15:34
then you you became like the college was named the party College of the Year okay
00:15:39
and then somehow how would you become the party college guy of the year like
00:15:45
why how did they find you and then that you blew up from that well yeah I just answered a rough question about like
00:15:52
what was the if it wasn't for this why I would have never gotten a comedy and it was this in 1997 Rolling Stone magazine
00:15:58
wrote an article about me calling me the number one party animal right in the country at the number one school at the
00:16:03
number one school so what what meant to happen was they were meaning to write an article about Florida State yeah and
00:16:09
when they got there they met they needed a chaperone so I'm going to take them around they found me they just called up a bunch of people everyone's like you
00:16:15
should hang out with this guy Birdie's been here seven years he knows everyone so they come they party safer yeah I was
00:16:20
I just I just had didn't know what I wanted to do and I was like I don't I don't need to leave yeah I can just get another Miner I just keep going yeah
00:16:27
yeah and so I took this guy around he goes back to writes the article John Warner's like this doesn't it's too
00:16:33
broad of subject let's just make it about this kid so then they and I'm on I have no idea that's gonna happen they
00:16:39
end up writing the article about me I remember getting it and I was
00:16:45
back was on the cover and I remember thinking it was me for a second yeah and I was like are you great and then I
00:16:51
opened it and it's like a big centerfold of me in a fountain and the opening line was like it's taken Burke Chrysler six
00:16:57
and a half years to become the man he is today the number one partyer at the number one party school in the nation and it changed your life overnight
00:17:04
overnight this is before fame was like a thing yeah like where everyone could get it all of a sudden I'm doing College
00:17:10
Point everyone is famous now yeah there's no way under 25 to be famous oh back then oh in 1997 the real world and
00:17:18
Road Rules had just started happening like that within that era that was the only way you could get famous yeah yeah
00:17:23
this comes out I'm on I do morning call-ins all morning long they just get my number Call my room my house
00:17:30
um Oprah Oprah's people reached out wanted to have me and my parents on I did I did just all these huge things
00:17:35
technical is what went wrong yeah I think so well I remember Chrysler people and I was an open book I was like this
00:17:42
kid who partied and if you want to talk to me I would be like off the Record and they're like yeah sure off the Record kid and so I spilled everything and then
00:17:50
uh and then this radio station gave me an opportunity to stand up they was they were setting him up to fail now you guys
00:17:55
will both know this they had four Comics that that were Road dogs go do 20 minutes before me each and then I closed
00:18:02
the show never having done stand up oh wow that's a setup yeah it was a setup but I killed I had murdered I murdered
00:18:08
just stream of conscious probably you see that was literally the first time the literally first time usually the
00:18:15
first time it's good especially if they said this is his first time doing stand-up did they say that uh I think it
00:18:21
was implied I think everyone knew because a lot about a lot of the people I was also pretty famous at the school so like a lot of everyone that showed up
00:18:27
knew who I was sort of was attractive yeah a little bit it's like Eddie Murphy getting on stage and everyone's like oh [ __ ] no that's not the same but I'm
00:18:34
gonna offer morning so that's amazing I have to offer their Morning Show from that thing oh wow it could be like zuku
00:18:40
I was gonna be third bike I was gonna be third mic for uh for like a couple
00:18:45
months and then I'd take over the show you ever do it I'm gonna interrupt you do you ever do a phoneer for radio
00:18:51
station they go oh please all right when we come back you're gonna be on with Zippy cuckoo a bird a parakeet a robot
00:18:56
and Jim Jim he's gonna be in the helicopter all right you're on and I go what's this it's a zoo crew go go and
00:19:02
I'm like who am I talking to they've had caffeine for three hours and they're like [ __ ] Tommy in the ball it's
00:19:07
usually a guy and an animal and Shaniqua they were always horrifically under like just subtly
00:19:14
racist as [ __ ] but they didn't know it because no one was calling them on it yeah there was a there was a there was
00:19:20
one in Florida called The Q morning zoo and they used to do Tails from Tanika and she would it was just a black woman
00:19:26
ordering McDonald's and it was like and it was like a two minute bit and it was
00:19:32
just a white guy doing what he sat right oh yes I was like oh a white guy doing
00:19:37
oh yeah I was a black woman well we used to do we had Flip Flip
00:19:44
Wilson he did Geraldine that was what we used to do in high school you do a character talk like this that
00:19:51
was his character Geraldine yeah yeah now so that sounds funny let's ask bird about
00:19:58
oh because we have to have some sort of SNL tie-ins because a lot of comedians you know are brought up an SNL you were
00:20:05
just talking you were just mentioning uh you might do uh something with some I don't know if you want to talk about that but you were talking about movies
00:20:11
and what's the secret how I thought it was interesting you just said that Tommy Boy
00:20:17
and Blues Brothers were similar in the way that you thought awkward was The Farley of that yeah well so I like okay
00:20:24
I mean it's no lie like I'm the the you guys your your people the
00:20:32
people that you guys all know the the Snell and all the actors all you guys kind of you know I'm sure you know this
00:20:39
but you're responsible for not just my sense of humor but my personality like you know you when you're a kid you watch
00:20:44
certain people and you go that's I'm not I'm like I'm that guy in our friend group you know or you don't even know
00:20:50
you just try to act like emulate like guys I would see Caddyshack and you just oh that's your whole life I have now
00:20:56
been every character in Caddyshack in my entire life I've been I've been taiweb I've been Bill Murray I think I'm Rodney
00:21:02
Dangerfield now like I don't like and so so so that all those people like I am a
00:21:09
Belushi Farley guy that's like I mean I read [ __ ] wired and was like the
00:21:15
first time I took a physical for a TV show I I did what blue she did you know
00:21:20
where uh [ __ ] Smoke Drink thing and then the lady's like hey just so you know you're not gonna be cleared to do
00:21:25
this oh yeah I was like what she was like
00:21:31
so uh but we were talking we were talking with this guy etan Cohen Tom and
00:21:37
I are doing a project and we were talking about great buddy comedies and both of you have been and been in the
00:21:45
best buddy comedy movies ever other than Aykroyd who wrote whoever he starred
00:21:50
with was always the other you know yeah but we were talking about Tommy Boy and we were saying that immediately you
00:21:55
think Belushi is Farley and you are Aykroyd but when you look at Blues
00:22:01
Brothers technically Aykroyd is Farley and Belushi as you because he's more straight laced yeah
00:22:08
he's he's the he's the kind of straight man in the entire thing and and Acro is
00:22:14
one who's uh putting super glue on the pedal and I mean he's doing all the tricks he's the
00:22:20
one driving crazy crazy he's it's so fascinating especially when you start going back like when you look and realize half of Bill Murray's movies are
00:22:28
movies that were supposed to be go to Belushi like Ghostbusters was supposed to be blue right and then you realize
00:22:33
huh because Belushi's real strength wasn't I know it sounds crazy that we all see
00:22:40
Farley's Belushi but that wasn't Belushi it really wasn't he was in Continental Divide he was everything he did was a
00:22:46
little more strandless the only thing he did was Animal House I didn't even [ __ ] speak yeah that was kind of the
00:22:52
physical comedy with the marshmallows and it was such a crazy movie around him and he's the star of it he looks like Emily does popping the zit and yeah it's
00:22:59
all physical comedy yeah but he does do his eyebrows he does facials and I think he wanted to do more straight stuff and
00:23:05
so did Farley so when Belushi does Continental Divide which not everyone saw but I thought was interesting with
00:23:11
Aykroyd I think people are a little disappointed because they weren't as crazy as what you thought it would be yeah or neighbors oh yeah neighbors
00:23:18
neighbors was where they flipped the rolls yeah at the last minute he goes he goes you know what I'm gonna play
00:23:24
awkward's part you play my part and I'm thinking of neighbors yeah yeah neighbors yeah when he goes stop
00:23:29
switching those cups or it's gonna be pump City yeah but I go
00:23:35
back now I go back and this is maybe you guys will know more about this but what about uh Some Like It Hot right okay who
00:23:41
is that that was uh Jacqueline lemon and Tony Curtis and Marilyn Monroe 1962 one
00:23:47
two so who were is the dynamic when you play two people when you look at Wayne's World
00:23:53
and I hate to use you and Farley as the example but that's like probably the clearest to everyone that this the like
00:23:59
you're Farley Mike's Spade right
00:24:04
um that's an interesting question I don't I think that Mike and I which it ended up working out so nice that we
00:24:10
just have different styles but they melded so we were both being funny in a different way like I love when air was an extremely
00:24:17
opposite me and Farley I think we're more supposed to be opposite I think you were reacting to his Shenanigans but
00:24:23
Mike a lot of times we'll look to the camera and point to you like this guy right someone's got to be the voice of
00:24:30
reason herself and someone's got to be well that's true Mike would if there was often onions yeah some storyline he had
00:24:37
to deliver he would do that I was just sort of outside of everything in my own little world me meaning Garth yeah
00:24:45
but uh I loved it I mean I love the part where I you know like Tom Hanks said to
00:24:50
me once isn't it great to be the guy next to the guy because it is Wayne's World but I got to just kind of float
00:24:56
around in it oh so can you get the score yeah I see that it's different the focus is on you in what way I don't know
00:25:01
better to be the guy I gravitate towards your character I identify with
00:25:07
your character in that because I'm always a little bizarre like I'm always the off guy yeah as opposed to the guy
00:25:14
who knows what's going on the guy that can drive the story forward the guy that goes hey we got to go sell these [ __ ] brake pads but we're all gonna and the
00:25:20
one guy that goes I don't know how to sell a brake pad yeah you know like so it's I I I I find it fascinating because
00:25:26
the Buddy comedy is like such a it's when done right and you guys have
00:25:31
both are maybe the two examples of dudes who have defined the genre when done
00:25:38
right that's cool you know that right they're they're not around as much they used to be even like 48 Hours uh
00:25:45
comedies aren't around the way these hours but for some reason it's funny right
00:25:51
like I mean it's not such a cool movie it's such a cool [ __ ] movie because Walter Hill made badass movies you know
00:25:58
so it has a chorus to it and Nick Nolte is straight and then they let Eddie kind of when he went into the bar and did
00:26:03
that at the time it was kind of incendiary deconstructing all the Cowboys and stuff dude yeah but I mean
00:26:09
what a cool role for Eddie Murphy to play Trading Spaces Trading Places
00:26:15
Eddie Murphy makes no sense to me because at 19 to be who he was yeah take
00:26:21
over SNL kick ass in the movies at such a young age but it's kind of cool Woody
00:26:27
Allen was supporting his parents at 16 writing jokes Bob Dylan was really young John Lennon Paul McCartney sometimes
00:26:34
people just have it at like 20 21 and they're Superstars I didn't know and
00:26:39
Eddie was one of those I really did not like I I was the me neither I was a waiter until 24 but I was a damn good
00:26:45
one I was I was the 35 year old going into people that owned houses going how
00:26:50
do you do this like I I'm terrified you on the house I didn't I didn't own a house until I was like 39. like I I was
00:26:58
really late to the game like I didn't get any success until Matt like worked and stuff but I wasn't I look I look at
00:27:04
like when I look back and I look at people's careers and when they popped I go 32 what the [ __ ] how did you know how
00:27:12
to take a meeting with adults I take meetings now and they're all my age you know like I don't ever take meetings where I'm talking to someone older than
00:27:18
me anymore I mean seldomly so when you popped after that whole College thing did you did you go in the clubs for
00:27:25
years no no I didn't pop oh you didn't oh no no no no you still had one big night I had one good night okay that I
00:27:31
decided oh did I go I'm moving to New York I was like I'm gonna move and you got the bug I got I was was it aids it
00:27:38
was monkey pox I'm Gonna Keep Fox oh yeah
00:27:47
yeah got it um but I I got uh
00:27:52
I moved to New York and was like I'll just make it here I've already been in Rolling Stone what are the odds this kid's got it you know I got the magic
00:27:58
sauce where they discovered me here that'll happen again yeah he's starting to drink the Kool-Aid a little bit if I
00:28:03
could go back and lit if I could have a podcast where I release conversations I had in the bar in 1997 in New York about
00:28:09
who I was gonna be where I was going I mean not even coked up just this is
00:28:14
just you know sometimes yeah but like just full of just it's it's all heading your way like you have to believe the
00:28:20
hype Oliver Stone option the rest of my life I was like this is Oliver Stone unreal and I was like this is real this
00:28:27
is and then six months in Will Smith discovers me and and six months in I'm
00:28:33
doing stand up six months wow I'm working the door of the Boston Comedy Club Will Smith discovers me did he ever
00:28:39
no lay hands on you well I thought you meant sex no no no I meant like a slap or something I didn't know if there was
00:28:44
some pattern or anything no did you uh well you just said I thought I said hey I didn't think he wanted to do sex with
00:28:50
me I was doing a Snapchat his dad thought that my dad thought he will want to have sex with me because when we met
00:28:56
dad my dad said your dad said will want to my dad said I
00:29:04
go to meet will at the movie record Studio or whatever and he's doing Millennium and he goes you're cool man
00:29:10
we should go we should hang out and I was like yeah you know thinking yeah we'll call me we'll hang out one day and he goes what are you doing tonight I was
00:29:16
like nothing he goes let's go to the movies and I was like okay so I get in the car call my dad and he
00:29:21
goes uh how'd it go I go good we're going to the movies and my dad's like on a date I go no it's like he goes what do
00:29:28
you mean you're going to [ __ ] movies for this guy like what it's like an old school well it is unusual you're not going to talk you're going to look at a
00:29:34
screen and there's going to be popcorn shares hands in the snacks at Planet Hollywood he goes at Planet Hollywood my
00:29:40
dad goes they have a movie theater there I go I don't know did he take a sip of a drink with a straw and then hand it to you yeah no okay that goes oh buddy I
00:29:48
think he wants to [ __ ] you I was like what that's a first jumping ahead he
00:29:53
goes this is your daddy's he's my daddy okay it's very common in Hollywood these guys
00:29:59
he's not even gay yeah they get so tired of [ __ ] that the only thing that really
00:30:06
excites them is the look on a boy's face when they turn them good guys oh my God I'm like holy [ __ ] when is his book
00:30:12
coming I go yeah what am I supposed to do and he goes look you're my only son I'm just keeping an eye out for you I go Dad it's impossible he goes what's more
00:30:19
likely the fact that you are so talented oh boy that in six months of doing stand-up the biggest movie star in the
00:30:25
world wants to do a sitcom with you or that he's tired of [ __ ] and he wants to
00:30:30
[ __ ] you and I was like what do I wear and he was like something sloppy don't look good you're like either way I'm I'm
00:30:37
going well they used to make well what did you wear uh were overalls with a sweater over not sexy not sexy and uh I
00:30:44
think you ruined it right you have a Hooter clamp which is sort of a chastity belt what's funny it's called a Hooters
00:30:50
it's a chastity belt for men I'm making this up it was a running gag with my friends in college
00:31:00
and there's a six foot seven dude named Charlie Mack and he's like you Bert I go yeah and he goes downstairs I'm like I
00:31:07
gotta [ __ ] this guy too on the way down exhausted ahead of time and there's ten black dudes in this room waiting for me
00:31:12
and I'm doing the math I'm like this is [ __ ] I'm sure he's bringing Jazzy Jeff that's 13 dudes I'm gonna [ __ ] tonight he shows up with Jazzy Jeff I
00:31:19
swear to God I swear to God we sit down nothing happened right at the end he
00:31:26
well I told him I was a hip-hop fan at the end he's like what'd you think I think it's a good movie and he was like no about the room
00:31:32
I was like I don't know what do you mean he's like the people I was like they're black dudes and he goes oh you said
00:31:38
you're a hip-hop fan that's cool Modi that's bismarckee he brought all these hip-hop guys for me to me because I
00:31:44
showed up to you and you don't know anything that's even nicer I just thought I was gonna [ __ ] I was like I could have [ __ ] this Marquee so yeah
00:31:55
[Music] I just texted my manager and he's gonna try to book will on your podcast so you
00:32:02
guys by the way that if you I like I think that's a good story he's in comedy time out right now like no one's giving
00:32:08
him a break I would love to have him on a podcast yeah and I and my podcast is a lot bigger than the [ __ ] Today Show
00:32:15
yeah and and well he might do it because you do know him and he did think you're talented when when people weren't that's
00:32:20
enough ring for you because didn't that lead to others but by the way when he was in college they did um when Oliver
00:32:28
Stone optioned that movie yeah and then it didn't pan out but they did do Van Wilder and then that was
00:32:34
pretty much based on you correct I don't know because I never I wasn't in
00:32:39
the production it's weird I I had no problem talking saying that until I made a movie
00:32:45
once you make a movie you realize just how many people go into actually making a movie then it feels really cheap to be
00:32:51
like oh yeah they read my article you know yeah but uh but yeah that's the the rumor was that
00:32:57
the people that wrote the script when the option fell out with all of a sudden they just sold it to Van Wilder event or
00:33:03
to the National Lampoon and they just changed some names and just made the movie which I mean I had nothing to do with the movie I didn't write it I
00:33:09
didn't start it I never made any money from it I mean I I you know I've never even seen it right but you're saying
00:33:16
it's eerily similar it's it's uh yeah it's my all my friends names are still in it just for saying because you
00:33:22
mentioned it it's interesting that like oh my podcast is bigger than the Today Show that this idea of Television it's
00:33:28
true and podcasting is sort of it it's it's something's going on well Will Smith does an interview on The Today
00:33:34
Show I mean I'm not I'm not [ __ ] on the today no no you could say morning no television I'll say every late night
00:33:41
talk show and every morning talk show if he does an interview on there it's going to be very crafted it's going to be very
00:33:48
sterile and and it will commercial break yeah maybe maybe it'll get I don't know probably get big numbers for them but if
00:33:54
you did my podcast or if he was an episode did an episode like you did and wasn't gas Barrel two bears one cave
00:34:01
multiple multiple multiple million people will hear him be a little more honest and a little more clear with his
00:34:07
words I think it'll be a better look for him and comedy fans are there they could say whatever he wants say whatever he
00:34:13
wants and also we'll also help him if he says something [ __ ] foul will edit it out for him because that's how podcast
00:34:18
is I'm so glad we started this podcast your podcast is huge and and it's it's I
00:34:23
mean I don't know if I mean you guys are a little bit and I mean it's respectful but you guys are a little bit traditional media in that you guys are
00:34:29
both movie stars so that you have publicists you have agents and managers and some things that we kind of forego
00:34:35
publicists for me don't really do anything because the first thing can you get on David Spade's podcast can you get on Joe Rogan's podcast then I go I'm
00:34:42
gonna just call them I don't need you to do that could you tell we're a little more straight legs when you were telling the Will Smith story we were [ __ ]
00:34:48
our [ __ ] pants um you're good about that well you're good
00:34:54
I remember saying yeah and you pulled it out of your show and you and you whispered to me well
00:35:00
pull that out how about Brittany because you were like you're like I don't know but I remember you saying yeah I don't
00:35:06
like [ __ ] on people because it doesn't it and I heard you say that my whole thing was talking [ __ ] on a
00:35:12
podcast yeah and then one day I was like I'm gonna go on Rogan and I'm not gonna [ __ ] on anybody I'm gonna talk positive
00:35:17
about everyone the next day I had like 17 DMS of like dude I really appreciate what you said to me you're like oh that pays off so much better and Brittany
00:35:24
also has a fevered fan base that that might if they turn on you you don't need that for um for just a flippant joke you
00:35:30
know what I mean yeah so yeah but we you know we uh I like your pie I I did two
00:35:37
bears Heather right I went over there you did but I thought you were on yeah I know and and uh that's how Tom gets okay
00:35:44
who was that other guy 's a girl oh yeah no he was nice he's a local Austin Comic no Tom was great
00:35:51
to do it yeah he came in to do it which I thought was really super cool yeah I
00:35:57
was bummed you weren't there but Tom and I had a blast yeah it's fun it's a fun it's a fun hang and it's a we the the
00:36:03
fans that listen to both our podcast your mom house broadcast and two bears uh are like comedy fans yeah so you can
00:36:11
take you can you can take big swings yeah and they'll forgive you if you [ __ ] up and you can take really dry you can
00:36:16
take a really weird comedy moves like like you're going to Largo and doing a set like you're going to where you go if
00:36:22
you're sharp comedians or your sharp fans then you like these type of show but is there a little bit of a sea
00:36:29
change even with your audience of accepting more stuff because of the period of time of you can't say that you
00:36:35
can't say that you can't say that or even the same all right you can say almost anything but can't like could I
00:36:41
do uh the a Indian accent Chinese accent yeah I mean I think I think I mean yeah
00:36:47
yeah but I don't know this sounds crazy but like they're I think they're they're no one's I don't think there's woke but
00:36:54
I think there's like if you were doing it in a mean way I think people would be like oh that's not that's the weird
00:37:00
thing is that like I think comedy when people go was about cancer culture I don't think it's changed at all I don't
00:37:06
think it's like swimming in the ocean if you focus on the Sharks you're not gonna have a good time but if you just go hey
00:37:12
man it's the ocean there are sharks in here but I don't think I'm gonna get attacked and if I do [ __ ] it right that's how you kind of if I do [ __ ] it
00:37:17
that's a t-shirt if I do if I gotta pull my legs up if I say something dicey yeah but it's all it's all you're in I think
00:37:22
comedy is your intent it's intense like I remember a guy I won't say his
00:37:27
name but he was doing Asian accents on stage and he was not doing them kindly where you look at the Asian person in
00:37:34
the room and you'll be like that is kind of [ __ ] up yeah so I think and I I
00:37:39
think you could get away with a lot of stuff in comedy if people know know your intense right and I think the same goes with our fans as we've said I've said
00:37:46
[ __ ] up stuff definitely I've definitely said [ __ ] up stuff on two bears stuff I regret hardcore but I
00:37:52
think our fans also give you that that swings on it I go I know the guy's a good guy yeah they know you and and you
00:37:58
guys got in early I think which was smart because you just build it up and then they're actually just very hardcore
00:38:03
fans of your stuff because when I went on two bears then there's people that maybe haven't seen me in a while you
00:38:10
know I mean just across pollination of your right there's Fallon there's Alan
00:38:15
I used to do Letterman a lot uh Stern but if you if you hit this those are the same audiences all the time and they're
00:38:21
great you guys are like martinis right so like like I say I'm a beer right so
00:38:28
like but I'm good I'm good for these guys every day but when you guys show up everyone's like oh [ __ ] I'm in a Martini
00:38:34
in a little bit oh yeah oh [ __ ] these are [ __ ] awesome yeah and so and I think that's what's cool about like like
00:38:39
you guys is look all me and Tom's career has been made on the internet and made with these
00:38:45
with with like podcasting and comedy and specials you guys have things that like
00:38:51
obviously Tom and I dream about but like you have careers that and stories and and things that are that like the
00:38:58
average comedy fans like oh [ __ ] like right it's kind of going away like the
00:39:04
normal young person we live next next to some tick tockers here and uh they make
00:39:09
way more money than me and uh they're great but that world of being famous
00:39:14
between the ages of 17 and 25 and they're doing different things those
00:39:19
stories are more similar in that way but there's not that many going like who's a famous movie star Timothy shallowman
00:39:26
under 30. you know what I mean who is who has those stories of being on a TV show or a sitcom and a TVs and movies
00:39:33
and uh SNL that that is going away and it's more like I'm
00:39:38
famous for this which is totally acceptable now you're on this you're on this YouTube all that it's just a
00:39:45
different world so we're in a world sort of going away and it's fun to mix some
00:39:51
mix them up you know because you have great stories you're you're like Theo in
00:39:56
the way that theobon where there's so many crazy [ __ ] things that I hear that you do that like Theo anything you
00:40:02
say goes oh yeah I'm gonna order some ribs oh my in fifth grade this girl had ribs in her forehead 12 ribs no for real
00:40:09
and then he was pregnant and you go these are a million things that happen to you and you you're sort of like that
00:40:15
where it seems like you have an endless amount of things that actually happened to you and that keeps it going that's
00:40:20
hard it's hard to be interesting well so I feel like I've run out of all the interesting stuff I've ever read well I
00:40:26
I was I was watching you I guess it's from two two days ago and you're trying not to drink this month and uh yeah and
00:40:33
then Tom was talking about Ayahuasca and stuff so if it was very compelling I mean it went by very fast you know you
00:40:39
guys have a great chemistry this I don't know if Dana knew this story but and you've probably told it but our
00:40:45
audiences hasn't heard probably some of it but uh when you um you I was at the
00:40:50
comedy so that night that whole Molly thing happened oh yeah and I didn't know you well and I don't go to The Comedy
00:40:56
Store that much and it was like I remember because I've heard that story since I don't know if you told the whole thing but it was just that something
00:41:02
happened and I was like oh that's so funny I think I was there you walked in I just happened in the green room I think with Adam eager or someone and
00:41:08
then you were like oh [ __ ] something weird just went down yeah and then I don't know this story I
00:41:14
was uh I was I had to fly to start my tour uh this is probably 2019 I guess
00:41:20
and um and my buddy Ari shaffir great comic was in town I was like why don't
00:41:26
we do a podcast like it would be perfect we'll have some Sunset drinks in my backyard Have a Cigar I'm have dinner
00:41:31
with my family and then I'm gonna bounce go to the airport I'll be fine he was like great and he uh as we went into the
00:41:38
in my I have a man cave built by the TV show man caves so in my old house and so
00:41:43
he said we should do a shot to celebrate for tonight I was like okay I mean I don't need to do shots I'm not like a
00:41:50
huge shotgun I was like all right whatever so we did a shot of of scotch which is an odd thing to shoot and it
00:41:55
tasted off and so then we start doing a podcast in like an hour and my face is just kind of warm
00:42:02
I'm like I feel [ __ ] weird and Ari is like obviously I love Ari you know and we're still friends but he's like do you
00:42:08
do you feel weird and I was like yeah I do and he was like maybe you're on something and I was like I'm not I trust
00:42:15
me I'm on blood pressure medicine I'll take anything he was like maybe you're on something maybe you're on Molly okay I'm gonna tell you something you can't
00:42:21
be mad you gotta promise not to be mad and I was like mind you we're doing a podcast and so I'm like what what he
00:42:27
goes I roofied you I gave you Molly you're on Molly right now and I'm like why was I wow I didn't release the
00:42:34
podcast because I number one I didn't want to become a meme because the look on my face when I realize how my Molly is pretty very very
00:42:40
real other than the fact that it's a tad bit dappled from the uh from the tree it's it's pretty real and it's not cool
00:42:48
and I'm not happy and uh my cousin comes over and I'm a Molly and I call Joey Diaz
00:42:55
Joey Diaz I was I just called him out and the podcast kind of falls apart we're still recording everything right
00:43:00
but I'm freaking out I'm like what I'm like dude I'm on blood pressure make me nervous to feel like you're on drugs and
00:43:06
you don't know it and then how weird you would feel and I was like I was like I have high blood pressure and high like what the [ __ ] did you consult my
00:43:12
cardiologist like I'm not supposed to do what if I have a stroke and he was like well you have a stroke I don't know what to tell you sounds like a really good
00:43:18
friend good it's good TV that's where it's problematic is that he is a good guy but there's a broken part to re
00:43:24
where he finds he also finds this very entertaining not maybe not now but at the time right and you guys all push it
00:43:30
with different things you do and one goes too far but yeah it's more like it could be really is that an ecstasy or is
00:43:36
it yeah okay and so I called Joey Diaz doesn't sound like the actual Ecstasy of Happiness Molly you know enough this is
00:43:43
the Panic moment where sure yeah it hits I got like I've gotten like that in drugs yeah and I'm just like I don't and
00:43:48
I remember you know the feeling of going I don't want to be on this yeah but there's no getting out of this so almost like a claustrophobia it's scary because
00:43:54
you're stuck for hours yeah I go four hours it's gonna last four hours and I have to be on a plane in three and a
00:44:00
half and so I'm like I call Joey Diaz Joey Diaz I go I God bless Joey Diaz I
00:44:06
said uh um or he just slipped me Molly and and I never finished my sentence he was like
00:44:12
dog will be there in 15. he comes over in five minutes he we live next week near each other he's in the backyard and
00:44:18
he just calmed me down he took Molly also I think and was like dog while I'm gonna be gone if we if we
00:44:24
die we die and I was like that kind of that kind of made me comfortable yeah we
00:44:29
don't do the podcast we don't finish the podcast we just leave yeah he leaves we pull my wife into the bathroom and I'm
00:44:37
my cousin's with me my cousin was my tour manager at the time I was like listen I'm going to tell you something but I need to not take care of you right
00:44:43
now I need you to not lose your [ __ ] but um I've got a pack for a flight I
00:44:50
don't want to see the girls I've been slipped Molly by Ari and I'm blowing up right now like I'm losing my [ __ ]
00:44:56
mind and man she [ __ ] live it I could see it wrong and she's trying not to
00:45:03
probably because she doesn't want to flip you out yeah and she's like where is he no no not where it is he's gone
00:45:09
she goes okay okay she goes uh don't worry about clothes grab your backpack uh
00:45:16
go to The Comedy Store go have a drink go to the comic store and then go to the airport don't go to the airport now and
00:45:22
then she was like very specific about like go find a bar go relax somewhere have fun whatever let the drug try to
00:45:27
wear off and then get yourself to the airport but don't show up at the airport on drugs show up to the airport as as
00:45:33
close as as close to the getting and getting out of your system as possible so I got my cousin and I went straight
00:45:39
to the so I did see that I was thinking to The Company Store and I walked into the back
00:45:44
it was the back bar yeah and you were there with Whitney Cummings okay and uh and Adam and and they're like hey how
00:45:51
you doing and I was like not good and you're like what's going on and I was like I just got slipped Molly and then I
00:45:56
literally already walked in and he goes it's feeling good huh and by the way it was feeling amazing it was like oh yeah
00:46:01
I was gonna ask what are you feeling it's just euphoric like you wanted to touch people you wanted to be touched
00:46:07
you just I felt so you're not really mad you're stuck in it now now you're I
00:46:12
realized this is the moment I realized how strong it was was I as I packed my
00:46:18
backpack I realized I had left my iPad on my last flight and instead of being
00:46:25
angry I thought I bet that person needed an iPad and I was like that's a weird
00:46:30
[ __ ] phone I was like I just gifted someone an iPad yeah let's go to the store so I just kept drinking I got on a
00:46:36
plane I was I was not wearing off it lasted way longer than I wanted to and
00:46:41
you had to get on this plane obviously yeah this is yeah and so I got on the plane how was your uh your auto I mean
00:46:48
how are you walking and how are you walking fine you're very dialed in okay very dialed you're not stumbling yeah
00:46:53
you're like supposed to be fun yeah it's a lot of fun I mean Molly delivers like there's a few drugs that go hey man I
00:47:00
promise you I'll be what you you want me to be well as you know become a big part of kind of mental health and and the
00:47:07
people who are toward the end of their life and it's this reset so we'll get to that later if it had lasting effects but
00:47:12
that what happened next I get on the plane uh very chatty very talkative almost feminine guy I remember I was I
00:47:19
was rubbing the dude's hand next to me like I was like just had my hand on his hand and he was like and I was like Hey
00:47:25
listen I gotta tell you a secret uh I got slipped Molly this afternoon I'm gonna use that next time at the
00:47:31
airport I got some tamale can I get us like I was a fan the guy was a fan he knew who I was that's why and I told him and I said you're gonna hear about this
00:47:36
on a podcast I'm sure it's we're doing Rogan next week I'm sure that'll come up but just know you were sitting next to
00:47:42
me when this happened I'll be dry humping your legs shut the [ __ ] up and then uh and then and then
00:47:49
uh is that great line from Stripes is it stripes and then depression sank in and
00:47:55
I I woke up the next day totally depleted of dopamine totally
00:48:01
Panic riddled totally like depressed what the [ __ ] just happened did I [ __ ]
00:48:07
up my career because I wasn't cool about it is this like like and Whitney Cummings called me immediately and I was
00:48:13
like what do I do with this podcast when he comes like you do not release his podcast that is you control your diet
00:48:19
your dialogue with your fans and you do not need them to mock you because you don't you weren't like the cool guy
00:48:25
getting somebody like that's what's up and so she goes you don't want to become crying Jordan and so crying Jordan
00:48:31
Whitney is like is the first person I talk to I talked to her a bunch that week I got a few IVs I got an IV and the
00:48:38
Molly kick back in really and all of a sudden I was like really that's great and I was about to go on stage I had to
00:48:43
do two shows and I was like oh what's up St Louis Somali was still a little bit
00:48:49
flying oh wow yeah and so whatever was in the IV it just booted it back and I
00:48:56
was shaky and I got on stage I had to do two shows and and then and then Ari and I didn't and then we did Rogan you know
00:49:02
uh it's interesting because it's interesting because everyone's take like Tom and Joe's take personally was very
00:49:10
honest and like that was really [ __ ] up man like that's like dude we love it like this and that then we did the
00:49:16
podcast you know Tom and Joe were like dude how cool you know whatever clowning on you they're making up making fun of me because I didn't love it but I think
00:49:22
they also came out I don't know look whatever you say what you say on a podcast to get laughs yeah and so um and
00:49:28
so Ari and I didn't talk for like a whole month we did had to do sober October then that was the last sober October I did until this one because it
00:49:33
destroyed sub October like no one chatted on the chat thread no one kept in touch with each other no one spoke uh
00:49:41
it really kind of Drew drove a division between all of us and then at the end of the month already was like uh called me
00:49:47
I was in Connecticut and he was like I really [ __ ] up didn't I and he had
00:49:52
called a number of times I wouldn't answer his call I was like yeah you did I was like you know my thing you know like we all got our Mantra that [ __ ]
00:49:58
with our heads for whatever thing and mine is you think I'm weak because I'm a nice guy you think you can step all over
00:50:05
me yeah and guilty yeah it's never never yeah but a night nice guy is usually a
00:50:11
nice guy until he's not a nice guy so you don't ever want to see that that's bad yeah yeah and I told him I said you
00:50:16
know that's how I feel you know that that's the thing that [ __ ] with me you I've talked to him so Ad nauseam about
00:50:23
how I feel about ex person stealing a joke or taking advantage of me yeah I go
00:50:28
and you did the thing that makes me the thing you did it publicly and he was like oh I don't think I saw
00:50:34
it that way and so I [ __ ] up then my wife still my wife my daughters hate him my daughters hate him we'll never like I
00:50:41
was texting him with him one time I just texted me and I texted back my daughter George I saw it she grabbed my phone she
00:50:46
goes no it's like a bad breakup he's like you're not still talking to him she goes she goes dad imagine how you would feel if you saw me
00:50:53
replying to a dude who had drugged me and I went whoa that's a pretty mature young woman how old was she at the time
00:51:02
is this guy going around I don't know him but is he still slipping mollies to people okay yes yes he's he travels
00:51:09
around and goes to different states he's you know he's a good guy he's a it's crazy that I say that and people
00:51:14
like he's he's got in a lot of trouble for being who he is but who he is is this really I mean you know him he's not
00:51:21
a bad guy no I I I'm saying that it's always a bad sign when you have to say that you're someone trying to do a bit
00:51:29
or do a joke it went too far and he probably learned like I think we went to a bachelor party went to Mark Norman's
00:51:36
bachelor party together I'm still friends with him I'm very good friends with him and we went to the bachelor party and he pulled me aside before the bachelor party started and he goes I
00:51:43
just need to know I need you to know I would never slip anything in your drink again I need you to know that you can be comfortable around me and I was like I
00:51:49
got you buddy I was like please don't slip something in my drink because that's part of me goes well that's the funniest joke if he does it again yeah
00:51:56
is he still not cool Bert do you think a little bit of his rational number was like Bert's gonna have a good time on
00:52:02
this he's gonna have a great story with this this is going to be a cool experience for him maybe yeah I think
00:52:07
you know people see me drinking on a plane and then they go God this guy parties and they don't realize that drinking on a plane is attached to
00:52:13
something a little different and so I think people think yeah you're not partying you're just trying to survive
00:52:18
the flight yeah and not have a heart attack and I think people assume people assume a lot about me not knowing me
00:52:24
they think I'm drunk every time I'm on stage I've never drink on stage I never drink on stage I mean I have obviously
00:52:30
but like if I do a show if I do a show I'm sober probably let's look at your Wikipedia I look at the three specials
00:52:35
in five years I look at you did a tour last year like a stadium tour I mean the workload is so extreme yeah that it
00:52:42
would crowd out drinking time I still drink yeah oh really yeah how many of them did I did I did the uh I created a
00:52:49
drive-in Comedy Tour uh through UTA we set up a whole driving tour during the
00:52:54
pandemic and then I did a baseball stadium tour uh called fully loaded was that what Nikki Glazer uh
00:53:03
like 60 000. we did we did a big one forty thousand I think most venues were
00:53:08
about ten thousand and so we did some marinas we did minor league baseball stadiums okay and then I have my tour
00:53:13
and uh and depending on when this comes out I've I've a bunch of things to announce and so I I'm a work I'm a
00:53:20
workaholic in the sense that I just see if you're awake you should be working right you know I just always want to do
00:53:27
stuff I like making stuff well let me ask you a question because I like specifics so because people always talk about heavy drinking whatever so say
00:53:33
it's love specifics you're like a normal day you're functional you're doing your thing but it's kind of a day off or
00:53:39
maybe you're going to do a Open Mic the workout material uh just take me through that day uh of your consumption where
00:53:47
where you're still burnt you're functional but what can you put well how much can you do and still be functional
00:53:54
in a day so there's space them out there's two different births if there's bird on the road right I never drink
00:54:00
like if so today if we if I came here and you were like and you had drinks
00:54:05
lined up and I was it wasn't sober October I would buy it I would 100 drink with you in a second and I would drink
00:54:10
for we gotta have you back on drink hard and I would have fun and I'd go I'd be like I'd hope we do like three hours I'd
00:54:17
be like into it and then I'd go and do my day and I but I wouldn't have driven here I would take an Uber here I'm
00:54:23
pretty responsible about that yeah but usually if I'm in La I don't I won't drink usually with a family and
00:54:29
everything yeah I won't drink at all until like if I'm not doing sets I'll open a bottle of wine around like sunset
00:54:35
with my wife uh or or like if I'm at the
00:54:40
store I won't drink until I won't drink until my or set like I'll do so you're very controlled yeah right yeah I would
00:54:47
think if someone said you were drunk on stage I would guess that's possible because the the thing about growing up
00:54:54
and and when you got famous from uh all these stories and these shows you did and it was like sort of a jackass show
00:54:59
you did uh Herbert hurt Bert and that it's like those guys where
00:55:05
you obviously are bringing stand up to it and you've spun it in a whole whole thing but
00:55:11
in a very successful career but just that past people when I see it on other
00:55:16
people that party they want to party with you or they want to buy you drinks or they want to and it gets to be kind of a house on stage they'll be sent
00:55:22
drinks I'm getting sent drinks on stage or when I'm out or when I'm dinner and that gets to be hard because that if it
00:55:27
turns into your rap you're like well it's not my one move there's there's more going on here it's it's definitely
00:55:33
the I definitely when I was doing clubs when I was younger I had no problem drinking on stage if they sent shots I'd
00:55:39
do them yeah but I also can handle my booze well enough that I never got [ __ ] up on stage I just do a shot have
00:55:45
a beer with me and be like yeah that's fine um and I and I but when I started
00:55:51
when I really started focusing on focusing on specials like on when I did the machine that's when I realized oh
00:55:58
it's not it's not just uh I have an hour yeah it's it's like I have an hour that
00:56:04
I'm gonna craft into a good hour that has Peaks and valleys and and arcs and and there's saplings I plant at the
00:56:11
beginning that I can Harvest later and like it's it's a real art form and I wasn't until I did the machine that I was like oh I yeah there's I can't drink
00:56:18
on stage I'm working on something and so and then from that point on and then I started doing theaters and once you do theaters it's a whole different books
00:56:25
it's like yeah and it's scary I'm on the theater tour now and I uh uh Dana
00:56:31
obviously is a very well known comedian does these big gigs when I when I do this theaters he's selling out in the
00:56:37
last year because I just always do clubs and I would do a movie and I go oh can you is the Irvine Improv can they give
00:56:42
me a couple of days early in the week without a lot of notice and you go do it and it's fun and you could have a drink
00:56:48
or you could goof around on stage and get [ __ ] up and yourself it's like a fun party atmosphere it's three or four
00:56:53
hundred people but when you do bigger theaters it's it's like work it's like a job and you really people don't know
00:57:00
it's so hard to focus and get a tight hour that is kind of uh airtight because
00:57:06
you have a pause you get you drift off people yell or they're paying a lot more they're very attentive it's a bigger
00:57:13
deal and then you owe them more of course you want to be good doesn't mean you're always going to kill but you're
00:57:18
at least you got to go in if you have any work ethic coin and the club is all drinking they're all they all have
00:57:24
drinks the club the club is about selling booze yeah I mean ultimately I remember tell told me when I was very young uh he goes you can't promise that
00:57:32
we were talking about a certain Club he goes you can't promise that guy's gonna first of all he's not gonna watch your second of all his sense of humor is
00:57:38
horrible anyways how many drinks did you sell I was like I don't know and he goes well I can promise you he checked at the
00:57:43
end of the week oh yeah I mean they'll book you back because they go he sells drinks all right so that's why that's how I got it yeah that's how I started
00:57:49
touring what I would do is I would Dr I would bring beers on stage I'd drink one maybe two uh do some shots if I needed
00:57:56
to but after the show I tell everyone on my Late Show stick around I'm gonna be at the bar drinking don't leave let's
00:58:02
hang out and I remember Tony baldino was like hey man you just made me thirteen thousand dollars yeah what he was like
00:58:08
I'll bring you back definitely if you keep doing this so I would set up bar games I would set up bar games yes and
00:58:13
be like we're gonna gamble after this everyone out there it's a 20 buy-in five dollar rebuys we're gonna see if we can throw a ball from across the bar into a
00:58:20
hoop first one gets the pot and so dudes would be like [ __ ] we'll stay and then and they order drink just while they're waiting and watching and like and so
00:58:26
we've ended up going somewhere else to go have another drink they go let's just stay here and watch what's going on yeah and so I used to do that a lot and then
00:58:33
I started doing these call and stick to work shows where I I I tell them I love
00:58:39
it I tell the clubs I was like I was like hey open up at 10 A.M uh it's like it's Saint Patty's Day open
00:58:46
up at 10 A.M I'll go do radio and as soon as radio is over I'm coming over to the club we'll tell everyone to call in
00:58:51
sick to work and we'll just do a show at like 11 30. and those would sell out in
00:58:56
minutes I mean you'd I'd call in ahead of time and be like to Tampa or Philly you tell the radio station is that how
00:59:02
you do it there's all my friends like Preston and Steve in Philly or or Ellie in the morning or cow head I'd be like
00:59:09
yo I'd call in um two weeks ahead of time and be like uh Monday on the 16th I'm doing a call
00:59:15
and stick to work show and immediately that would sell out and then and then I would hold true and do radio I drink on
00:59:22
radio yeah and like party on radio and then me and the radio station we'd give up we'd hold like 20 tickets for a boss
00:59:28
who wanted to just then it was really fun boss would be like hey
00:59:33
I'm shutting down chop you got tickets for me and we'll be like yeah so they'd all come in it was [ __ ] awesome you
00:59:40
can only make five grand that's the that was the nut so it wasn't like it just seems like you have a really good
00:59:45
business that's good though that's kind of brilliant the [ __ ] off
00:59:50
day oh it's I I like try I I was such a mediocre talent for the majority of my
00:59:58
career that I didn't mind Taking Chances because I didn't I was already failing anyway so like I didn't mind so you know
01:00:04
when we did the drive-in movie theaters I like I got awards for that but it was like my special came out March 17th stay
01:00:10
at home order started on the 13th I was like ah I was like well it was not that bad for business for me because everyone
01:00:17
was home to watch them special blew up and I was like I'm gonna support this no
01:00:22
but the hard part is they all like it I had wrong Missy come out during and then you go I haven't even I couldn't even celebrate when we were number one in the
01:00:29
world I go I'm celebrating at my house eating Cheez-Its because I can't leave I can't go go anywhere again yeah so I I
01:00:35
but hold on but didn't hold on because I had the same feeling yeah because wrong Missy came out right I think after my
01:00:41
special it was me and I remember my special came out and I remember seeing my my there's like that heart button on
01:00:48
Instagram yeah and it's like all the people that mentioned you in the story and it was just one line you couldn't
01:00:54
even see the marks and I was like holy [ __ ] yeah and I was like it's blown up so I called my agent I was like hey man I got a tour and he's like there's no
01:01:00
touring and I was like what about driving movie theaters he goes it's not a thing I said no there are out there I've Googled oh that's easy because you
01:01:07
had to capitalize on that I said I got a tour I got people that are watching my special I've got to lock these fans in
01:01:12
to let them know I'm a good comic and that they kind of come see me live so we found an EDM promoter HotBox and we
01:01:19
brought them in and they said we've done shows we've done like EDM shows during the pandemic we could do comedy and just
01:01:26
put you on a stage in front of the big screen they come out in their cars and it was like it was [ __ ] epic I mean
01:01:33
they'd come out four hours early and be grilling out tailgating oh yeah it was the coolest thing probably the coolest
01:01:39
thing I've ever done in my career like at that time because it was like during the pandemic but um
01:01:44
but I remember watching wrong Missy during the pandemic [ __ ] it's like when you get good entertainment during
01:01:50
the pandemic that's like just a funny funny movie yeah
01:01:55
I'm a fan of her I follow her on Instagram I've never never talked to her never met her but I still she [ __ ]
01:02:02
kill me in that [ __ ] movie and it just seemingly out of nowhere people knew me and I was sort of the straight man again and when I read it actually
01:02:10
Sandler said to me because I think you'll like this one and I go I like that Ben Stiller part like Jason Bateman where you're just the
01:02:16
shit's going on around you yeah and you get to react and Lauren Lapkus we it's like the girl has to be good
01:02:22
and so it winds up being Lauren and she was known around here but when she goes
01:02:28
in there and just hits you from out of the blue and everything she's saying and she's so dirty and hilarious and clever and and and we were about halfway done
01:02:35
filming I'm like you know you're filming out of sequence but I go I think it's pretty funny maybe I'm crazy but we still have this
01:02:41
scene a threesome scene and the cliff I go I think this could be good and you have no idea obviously and then uh when
01:02:47
it comes on and it starts doing well that was the hugest and it was too huge
01:02:52
we were stuck uh I loved it that's when you'd want it I mean you got to realize that well that's why it's doing so well
01:02:59
and that's why I did so well because oh shoot another movie because you can't you're not allowed to shoot a movie well I had a I had a TV series The Cabin that
01:03:05
came out yeah during the pandemic and it was the highest rated uh non-scripted
01:03:11
series on Netflix cabin related show and yeah it sounds fun yeah everyone Netflix
01:03:17
called they're like congratulations on having a hit uh I remember someone's like we should just celebrate our
01:03:22
success right now and I was like yeah and then they didn't you know like they're like well we always loved to do
01:03:28
them more but pandemic can't do anything can't do anything and foreign
01:03:35
at the time that we did it I was so nobody that I couldn't get anyone famous
01:03:40
on the show so it was just Comics it's just all my friends Whitney Bobby like uh Donnell uh uh Tommy Joey I just got
01:03:49
comics on and it was like I was obviously it's probably guys who were good at podcasting so we didn't have any script we just improved everything and
01:03:56
they're funny so there's something funny is going to happen well I think we had we had a we had a soft commit from you
01:04:04
uh Sandler and Norm because Adam was
01:04:10
working on it yes and he was like he was like he was like I can I might be able to talk and I think yeah and he was like
01:04:16
what would you do with them and I was like oh you're being [ __ ] serious I was like well the problem is I would have just sat with you guys to be like
01:04:22
can you guys walk me through my all my favorite teams so it would have been nothing but by the
01:04:27
way Spade go fight that bear we got two cameras on you
01:04:35
[Music] I remember doing parking lot shows I did probably
01:04:40
five partnership hey where my Land Cruisers at I was good I'm like this geoprism knows what I'm talking about
01:04:47
remember at the Magic Castle they were making noise did you ever do that one no I never did those they they had like
01:04:53
fans that made noise out the windows because they couldn't they weren't allowed to get out of their
01:04:58
cars there so instead of flicking their lights they did for a while then it was just but there was a little noise so you
01:05:04
go that one killed yeah because you could get some sense but I let them we they we only did uh states where they
01:05:12
could get out of their cars like Reds we did the middle of the country so they they would I mean
01:05:18
they get out of their cars they set up couches yeah it's like a football it was like a football game we did one we did
01:05:23
like 3 000 cars in Philly and uh and they weren't allowed out of their cars
01:05:28
and it was yeah tough I did states where they weren't allowed to laugh and it really sort of defeated oh [ __ ] I
01:05:34
hit a Mississippi oh I have one I have another question I know it's getting late but no I have a
01:05:40
question you're used to doing 12 hour podcast yeah I could I could talk to you guys when you do I'm enjoying this you
01:05:45
do this uh because Dana did a special Netflix and uh mine was out about not
01:05:51
that long 26. I was I was I was curious about your choice of shoes [ __ ] off in my special oh because Asics I got a bad
01:05:58
neck so I really am and whittled down into what it's not what kind of shoes it's what type of Skechers I'll be
01:06:04
wearing no no can I tell you it made you like A6 oh no I love A6 that's all I run in but it was so interesting because I'm
01:06:10
so hyper aware despite the fact that I know where nothing on stage yeah I'm so hyper aware about
01:06:16
jeans and shoes that I that I always look at what people what shoes people wear yeah because I got a bad neck and
01:06:23
they they're kind of comfy for me and uh and I try to look decent but they look great it is good they're good Asics are
01:06:29
sharp shoes it's two two hours you know and I'm doing probably an hour 15 each show we're gonna trim it to about an
01:06:35
hour so I know it's a long night I don't want to feel shitty it's a great special it's my best you want to feel your best
01:06:41
uh but my problem was which I was gonna ask you first is when you do yours it
01:06:47
comes out March you said uh and when you back out for your tour you're just talking about yeah do you
01:06:52
change your hour is it half the same or or is it all new or how what is your theory on that so I give myself I I
01:07:00
should say I write really quick in that almost any one of my bits are like nine minutes long yeah so that's kind of good
01:07:06
if I have a bid I can have two new bits and have half a new hour um so what I do is so I'm filming my
01:07:13
special November 16th and 17th for 17th and 18th in Omaha I will then I'm not
01:07:19
the kind of guy that goes like Tom or Joe they go I'm taking the mom taking two months off I'm done I'm not that guy
01:07:26
I go get me on the road the next [ __ ] week because I can use this hour that I
01:07:31
currently have to [ __ ] around and come up with my new hour yeah because no one's seen I can still do something no
01:07:37
one's seen it yeah so I can go so I've booked out until the day it airs you're like I got a Time millionaires that's a
01:07:44
hard part because I'm I keep some but I whittled out I probably the next day took out half 30 minutes yeah but it was
01:07:51
too hard because it came out two months later it wasn't like yeah we're gonna sit on it for a while I go it's Gotta
01:07:56
come on sooner some of the jokes they get stale you know I just want them out comedy didn't sit well on the Shelf so
01:08:02
I'm willing it's almost all gone now there's a couple but no one said anything there's it's kind of an Unwritten rule and some people it
01:08:09
bothers and some people doesn't like some people want when I see Sebastian I'm like with my friends going well I hope he does an Uber joke yeah hope
01:08:15
everything about the wedding and uh or the homeless whatever and then if they don't you're kind of disappointed too
01:08:21
well I saw Sebastian at The Forum he was kind enough to give me and my like all my friends tickets yeah he's nice and uh
01:08:28
and it's crazy because I personally want to see what he's working on but I'm there with my friends and my wife and I
01:08:35
don't want my wife to not respect how great Sebastian is yeah so part of me is like I hope he does the uh [ __ ]
01:08:40
coffee bit Yeah company bit yeah and he does and Sebastian's really smart about it but I think when you're I look I I
01:08:47
don't know that there's no answer because I I was told I was told to retire the machine story and I've been
01:08:53
now been telling that on stage uh like seven years since it went viral
01:08:58
yeah and and so yeah and and when I say when I started the pop is so big that
01:09:04
there's not there's not anyone really in comedy that if as a comic that would sit off stage and not go yeah they're tired
01:09:11
of hearing it I mean it's when I say I was 22 years old I got involved with the Russian mafia I did it in Pittsburgh the
01:09:16
other day in Pittsburgh I did uh PPG Paints Arena 12
01:09:21
000 people 12 000 people yeah and I started the machine story and they gave me a standing ovation and so I'm like
01:09:27
well I don't think I'm ready well it's like a hit song it's like Don't Stop Believing my journey I do the ones that
01:09:32
I really like that I think have some staying power and some I hate to give up because you know how hard it
01:09:38
is it's so valuable to have a bit that works like the murder and if you get one tight and you've done it and you've got
01:09:44
all the and you got to take it out but you can't really I just say to the audience if I missed anything what do you want you
01:09:50
know when they start yelling well that's kind of that's also I would love to be in that I think I would love to do a
01:09:55
tour I was thinking about doing a tour where I put uh all my bit like put my
01:10:00
cities on sale and then put all my old bits for like 30 minutes worth of old bits and then go because Wilco did that
01:10:07
like audience vote yeah yeah and go pick what songs you want to hear we'll go to that and it was [ __ ] cool chicks I'm
01:10:13
like oh I wouldn't mind I now that I know the set list for Minneapolis I'll fly to Minneapolis to hear that's that and so I because I have like I have this
01:10:20
flying dildo story that I have me too I'm fighting a bear I have like all these huge stories that I that were just
01:10:27
a staple of my act and and then I have other ones like uh of my daughters people go tell the period party story
01:10:34
and I don't because I'm working on the new hour I would love I don't have no problem playing to the audience if they would
01:10:41
love to hear stories if I can go do an arena tour like I'm doing an arena tour this 2023 but it's going to be all new
01:10:47
material because that's I have to get ready for another [ __ ] special yeah it's hard so is this your first time just pure Arenas I do I'm doing half
01:10:55
Arenas half theaters right here at Peak Bert right you're as hot as you've ever been or something right now Tim Dylan
01:11:02
let me tell you something I woke up and told him uh I was telling him I was I wake up sometimes with anxiety and he
01:11:08
goes why why it doesn't get better than right now for you no one told you you have to stop
01:11:15
drinking yet you get to party your kids are still young you're making more money than you've ever made it you know in a
01:11:23
couple years it's gonna get really bad but right now it's Pete burnt
01:11:29
so I was like I was like I was like yeah what the [ __ ] am I stressed about so uh
01:11:34
Europe Australia and then just Arenas this will come out right after that tour where's your
01:11:40
podcast uh how in foreign countries where is it really oh yeah do you know
01:11:46
foreign
01:12:04
so Australia uh Canada was the first place I was like
01:12:10
what's that about I was like what the [ __ ] man what's happening like I'm huge in Canada like I'd go to Edmonton and
01:12:17
sell out like nine shows ten shows and and then sell two bags of merch and I
01:12:23
was like what the [ __ ] Canada was really big in podcasting so is Ohio these were the this is Canada and Ohio those were
01:12:29
the those were the places you can sell tickets in Ohio Canada Portland all of a sudden these places started popping up
01:12:35
and then and then someone was like my agent was like do you want to do Australia it's like I'd love to put tickets on this sale in
01:12:42
Australia sold out immediately and I was like what did Australia and they were like I didn't change one bit of my ACT
01:12:48
yeah at all and then and they were like you get done they're like tell your ideas to come down here tells
01:12:54
Tommy to come down and you're like oh they're podcast fans then I remember going to to England and and with my
01:13:01
family and I did one small show and like uh in like a like a comedy club 150 seat
01:13:07
or put it on sale and sold out in like five minutes and I went that's [ __ ] bizarre and then I did a European tour
01:13:13
and that sold out so like Europe is really big like the the Oslo uh Sweden
01:13:19
Switzerland like all that the up Scandinavia is huge Germany's huge Portugal Greece yeah
01:13:26
um all of England Ireland's the [ __ ] [ __ ] Ireland I can do parts of Bulgaria
01:13:33
the best stand-up comedy Town wow ever [ __ ] yeah ever they are Dana's Irish
01:13:41
in it Dave Irish relatives that is like I did so I did I appreciate it so much
01:13:47
they should come over there and if they like you but the podcasting is good to listen to because they might not get
01:13:53
something they might not hear but it's probably pretty easy to dial into a podcast they know you by the time they see you
01:14:00
know every [ __ ] aspect they're in they know everything I mean they know my you know my daughter went to college and
01:14:06
like kids uh knocked on a door and by the way if you're a kid listen to this please don't but they knock on the door
01:14:12
every night and they're like hey I want to party with you my daughter's like what the [ __ ] I'm not a blubbering idiot
01:14:17
that's my dad but it's but it's you you feel like intimately like my wife gets recognized
01:14:24
like crazy because I talk about her so much and I stand up and on my podcast and she has a podcast and my like my
01:14:30
it's it really is uh podcasting is so intimate yeah and I I say this because
01:14:36
you say so many things about yourself yeah but I was a fan of podcasting first so like I remember hearing podcasting
01:14:42
going like holy [ __ ] this is like it was magic it was magic let's see there's two
01:14:47
people talk in another room yeah like two people you like and you're going I'm just sort of standing no pre-interview there's no plan obviously it's like
01:14:54
people [ __ ] up and they say weird things and all of a sudden you I remember yeah I remember hearing people [ __ ] I
01:14:59
remember hearing Zach Galifianakis made me laugh I was I I'm a big so I'm always in hotels or in a tour bus bunk I listen
01:15:05
to podcasts when I sleep so I'm throwing a podcast and then I feel like my friends are in the next room and then I go I just it makes me feel like not
01:15:12
alone I don't know whatever so I remember listening to Zach galvanakis on Nerdist this is I don't know how many
01:15:17
years ago this one there it is and he said uh they said do you he was like do you do drugs still and he goes yeah I
01:15:23
just did mushrooms and went to the Getty with my cousin and he goes you know how
01:15:30
uh you know how like you'll misread things and he goes it said uh
01:15:36
please don't touch the statues but I thought I said please touch the statues he was like and I was like oh yeah that
01:15:43
like he's like oh mushrooms he's like yeah these are that would be good to stroke him and see he's like all around
01:15:48
stroking I remember waking up laughing hysterically going yeah it's just Zach's delivery the way he says yes right but
01:15:55
um but yeah I'm a huge podcast fan so I kind of like like I I get excited like when you guys
01:16:01
started your podcast I got really excited so I was like oh [ __ ] yeah these are this is what I'm looking for something else to like I listen to
01:16:08
health podcast history podcasts comedy podcast I love Tim Dillon's best podcast person on the planet right now without a
01:16:15
doubt he is so money I agree he's got so much he's just got something great voice funny attitude just takes on a lot of
01:16:23
things yeah yeah he gets to the essence and then he just grinds it you know and
01:16:28
Brilliant it just riffing my favorite my favorite out of all like and this is what was really cool with when
01:16:34
podcasting started like my favorite thing in the world is to like tell you a great Norm
01:16:40
McDonald story that maybe you weren't there for but because you know him it's even that better for that richer for you
01:16:46
it's funny like it's like I remember Norman and Joe uh hanging out and and
01:16:51
just watch and watching this and right it's one of the funniest things ever I would never say it on air because I
01:16:57
don't I don't know how to be perceived and Norm's passed and but like but like uh like but the gossip of stand up the
01:17:05
inside stories and that's what podcasting was when we started was like just gossip and it was so [ __ ] good I
01:17:13
mean you would you would get you would get the Jew like did I ever tell you the story about the dot dot dot and I
01:17:20
remember being on the edge of my seat listening to podcasts going no like people go on Rogan and just no no one
01:17:26
thought we were listening like they were just right that was interesting because you get in there when I used to do Stern it was sort of like that where you're in
01:17:32
a room like this and he's and you're also trying to impress him a bit and he's digging and he's push is in there
01:17:38
and then you walk out of there and my phone starts buzzing going what the [ __ ] did you just say and I'm like what and
01:17:43
then people like hey did you you didn't tell that story about me didn't you I go I don't know and then but you do it and
01:17:50
it has tentacles it gets to people and they go oh you gotta hear when he goes on here or when he goes stern was like
01:17:56
my sort of podcast because I got to go on there once a year and then sell stuff and then
01:18:01
podcasting got bigger but I thought you Joe Theo like there's a lot of guys got into it early and it just it really paid
01:18:09
off was it's the I mean I don't know I always liked like I I loved Stern I loved Stern I know I
01:18:15
loved Opie and Anthony also I loved but I loved when someone would walk in the room and you didn't know who it was and
01:18:21
be like oh look who just walked in and I'd be sitting in my car like what like that is fun yeah those but I loved that
01:18:26
and so I I like like with the beginning of this podcast it just starts with us sitting down and talking I love that
01:18:32
[ __ ] on a podcast I'm like Joe used to have a phone in his place that would ring out of nowhere and and you'd be
01:18:38
doing a podcast when he did it out of his house and his phone would ring and you go I don't even [ __ ] know that number's dead I don't know who it is
01:18:43
anyway I used to get a kick out of that I remember going to his house I was like yeah what is that phone number because I was like I'll start calling when I know
01:18:50
he's doing podcasts yeah like it was just I don't know those were the it was fun but then at the same time you know
01:18:56
look there's you know you look at like people they come through all the [ __ ] they've ever said on a podcast and I look at it and I go I've been I did a
01:19:03
podcast with Joe one time there's like five and a half hours and I got home and they had to take it down and I was like oh wow I was like
01:19:09
what did I say and he's like don't worry it's taken out we're good and I was like and then you start you're laying in bed
01:19:16
I was like did I say that coven was created by the government like like and you're like you just talk [ __ ] finally
01:19:22
not realizing because you're like a dinner you're just laughing yeah it's the funnest trying to crack each other up and then but then you get like uh
01:19:28
like do you remember my interview with uh that I did with Sandler I saw some of it it was yeah during the
01:19:36
pandemic right [ __ ] bad yes and you got a tape measure with your wife yes
01:19:42
yeah that's the why was it bad okay so this is the thing that I think is the
01:19:49
thing about podcasting right so like so they're doing comedy gives back and they're like hey oh yeah yeah and can
01:19:55
you do interviews we're gonna do interviews and it's like maybe three days of whatever these things zooms yeah
01:20:02
so Whitney hits me up she's like hey I've got to interview Sandler and I know you're a fan of his do you want to be
01:20:08
here for That interview and I was like [ __ ] yes now everyone's supposed to be socially distant all these there's so many rules everyone's being distinctive
01:20:13
about it so she's like I'll have a tape measure we'll stay six feet apart and it'll be fun
01:20:18
and I [ __ ] that interview up so bad like I didn't realize I [ __ ] it up which is what made it beautiful to other
01:20:25
Comics yeah because I got out of the interview I got my car thinking you scarred I hit a home run first person
01:20:32
that called was Mike Gibbons and he goes [ __ ] Sandler dude epic and I was like thank you and he goes dude I am crying
01:20:40
we're sitting around crying laughing watching it and I go I didn't think it was that funny I thought it was just informative he goes funny you asked the
01:20:46
guy if he had Netflix and I was like yeah but he didn't answer do you think he does he goes Bert he's got a 230
01:20:52
million dollar deal on Netflix he definitely has [ __ ] Netflix he goes you didn't even let him talk and then my phone rings on the other side and it's
01:20:58
big Jay oakerson and he goes I go hang on Mike and big Jay's like dude [ __ ] Sandler that was out of this is you just
01:21:05
you know we're about to trash you for the next 20 minutes on this on the zoom and I was like wait was it bad he goes
01:21:10
you called his movie precious gems is that not the name of it and he goes
01:21:16
you said his other movie was Happy Madison and I go is it not is it not happy Madison production company they're
01:21:22
like dude you didn't let the guy speak you have the biggest movie star in comedy on tape and you told him stories
01:21:27
about times you almost met and so but like if you can have a sense
01:21:33
of humor about yourself that's what podcasting is like if I do that on today's show people will be like he'd be
01:21:38
like he ruined a great interview listen first of all Sally wouldn't care and and second of all well you text him so I was
01:21:45
terrified I always know what happened you voice texted me and you're like
01:21:50
Sam the Sandler interview huh and you're like don't worry I think you said
01:21:55
something to the effect of don't worry he watched your specialty like oh yeah yeah that's yeah and then uh because
01:22:01
he's trying to be the middle man because yeah I didn't want you to freak out like something wrong happened then Norm hit me up
01:22:09
yes Norm would always say it you know you
01:22:16
always say the opposite he has a real good interview right they liked it you know he goes that was funny because it
01:22:24
wasn't yeah yeah I liked it because it was bad hey uh you're like uh you're like uh
01:22:30
when Farley interviewed Tom Paul McCartney why you had a lot of energy and you were
01:22:37
coming right up into the frame and Adam was sort of on his heels like he was very relaxed at a desk or something so
01:22:43
he was just sort of relaxed and so it was a funny mismatch because you were just so excited and you you came forward
01:22:49
into the so your head was gigantic and Adam was yeah he was just back on his heels the whole time whatever happens
01:22:57
um anyway uh let's let Bert going because he's [ __ ] great I could talk to this guy all day I could talk
01:23:03
on my podcast but more importantly I want to have you guys on my cooking show too we have a cookie I do a cooking show
01:23:09
called something's burning and uh I just that's right yeah I saw your website I do it um do you have three podcasts or
01:23:15
am I crazy I have I technically have three examples like four technically I do two bears Bert casts open tabs which
01:23:22
I'd love to bring I'd love to do with guests so what I do is I leave all my tabs on Safari browser open throughout
01:23:29
the weekend okay it's like Google stuff and just whatever I Google like King Leopold and then whatever I learned from
01:23:35
it I go through the tabs on the podcast and close them that's a separate one that's a separate okay and then I have
01:23:42
got something's burning I have something with Bill Burr now uh no we don't have that anymore okay yeah and so something's burning yeah my cooking show
01:23:49
and so I bring two people we do it right now we do it out of my my current house
01:23:54
but we just bought a house to build a kitchen to do without it [ __ ] oh
01:23:59
shut up the island your money I'd throw mine away wait do you use the little houses when you go to them do I do want
01:24:05
Zillow houses yeah I Zillow and I don't need a house I just Zillow it's fun I
01:24:12
Zillow everything but no I uh we bought a house down the street because I my kitchen isn't perfect so we just got a
01:24:18
house that had a kitchen we could tear down and build a new kitchen and put my podcast studio in put my wife's podcast
01:24:25
studio in yeah and do production offices out of so that we could just because it's like the cooking show took off I
01:24:31
took put Bobby Lee and Mark Normandin on a like 1.7 million views in like two
01:24:37
weeks and then Jim Jefferies I put him on um I didn't put him on he was a guest on
01:24:42
my show uh now when Lord's lesbians is that that guy no he was telling me about
01:24:47
mutton no one likes mutton mutton's the old grown-up you want the lamb you want
01:24:52
the lamb shank the babies it's like women the uh Jim Jefferies with Alex
01:24:58
he's funny as [ __ ] uh Bobby Lee always cracks me up this week we have Stevo and Annie Letterman then we have we have the
01:25:05
Banger The Banger and this will be the one that legit like I don't think you'll ever like I don't you know unless you're
01:25:10
interviewing sometimes you don't seek out their their podcast there is without doubt you guys will watch Tim Dillon and
01:25:17
Whitney Cummings it will be the biggest thing making fun of Whitney is pretty good too while they're doing it did you
01:25:23
already do it I already did it okay I almost passed out laughing twice he is
01:25:28
Tim Dillon cooking is so [ __ ] funny is he berating Whitney
01:25:35
I remember I mean just like a highlight I remember at one point and this isn't even remotely the funniest thing he said
01:25:42
she said I have a lot of good ideas and Tim goes one she goes what he was one you've had one
01:25:47
good idea that you shared in a room with other men who helped execute it one good
01:25:53
idea so they have that kind of relationship she goes Tim if you were making me
01:25:59
dinner what would you be making me today and he goes I don't know Percocet pudding because it's got Percocets in it
01:26:05
wouldn't he he's the [ __ ] greatest he's the [ __ ] and that that episode will be very big because Tim is just I know
01:26:13
look I've I've no money invested in the guy he really is the best neither do I he's the best but he does hysterical and
01:26:19
the other one cracks me up he cracks me up [Music]
01:26:26
all of all places quickly why Omaha just good Middle America I'm very neurotic so like when I knew what shoes you wear on
01:26:33
your special yeah I've rules to specials the number one rule is I have to shoot specials in a market that I've performed
01:26:39
in a lot yeah that I have that has not seen the material yet so this is a real last question yeah
01:26:45
yeah do you feel like you have to do another special uh-uh because I feel like even my guy goes all
01:26:53
right your special did great we're gonna let's get the next one I go [ __ ] hey dude let me just live with this material
01:26:58
for a while because it's hard you want it to be good and it's hard to just flip it after this tour after this tour 2023
01:27:06
I could be well the idea is to be able to take some time off to do other projects and and but in
01:27:13
order to do another project you kind of get your take take your stand-up hat off and put your production hat on or your
01:27:18
your acting hat on and like because stand up for me is all-encompassing and and it's all I think about I I it
01:27:26
actually is even tough for me when I'm getting ready for a special because I'm I'm not free thinking the way I am
01:27:32
before you know I'm really kind of dialed in on getting this one locking it in thing yeah polished and sparkled up
01:27:38
and and like getting like putting all the the the the rhinestones on it so that he wants you know
01:27:44
um but yeah I feel like after this tour I'll have new material I mean I would love to keep doing specials but I
01:27:51
I would like to be one of those guys that takes a couple years off and and instead of doing them every [ __ ] say
01:27:56
hi to your kids does other things no they're in college I don't need them anymore I'm getting ready to meet my second wife the idea
01:28:03
I mean I got to meet this lady right how to get out of high school the fact that you do nine minute bits is
01:28:11
I remember because I got John Lovitz into stand-up they're going you're funny it's a good income stream and he loves
01:28:16
it but I remember he he'd written a few things he goes I'm out of ideas how do I get any more material and I say well
01:28:23
take the material you have and expand it yeah you run yes oh and every time I see
01:28:29
him you've saved me a lot of time that's the way he talks but you doing nine
01:28:34
minute pieces based on a story yeah because it seems like that's helpful in terms of getting to that hour well it's
01:28:40
it's frustrating so like there's a bit that I'm closing my special with now that happened [ __ ] four years ago
01:28:46
that I've been working on for four years if you bring up in bits at the store you'll be like oh right uh did anyone
01:28:52
done this and then you start working it you get a couple for me it's a couple nuggets inside it where where they where
01:28:59
you can get a few laughs then once you can do that then you focus on the thickness of it hoping you can figure out an ending well once you get the
01:29:06
answer then you can skinny everything out yeah and just tell a short story yeah and the ending is the tough ending
01:29:11
so but everyone tells Stories the one mistake Comics don't make is a story
01:29:16
needs people need to know it's over you know because if they don't it's Gotta pop It's gotta yeah and if you don't
01:29:22
have the pop don't record it wait till you got the pop wait till you got the thing where you say [ __ ] that [ __ ] this
01:29:27
is Russia where everyone knows this store is complete it's that's the end of the show either Applause or at least we
01:29:33
know it's over you're going to the next thing yeah yeah yeah I hated that on my special I think I had two that were a little undercooked but I love them yeah
01:29:40
and then it was ones where I go they're they beefed out since and I go am I cheating
01:29:47
because now it's a fully formed bit that's three minutes longer but I go but let the Nugget of it which is a couple
01:29:53
laughs yeah but now it's turned into a whole thing and he goes [ __ ] it's but it's still the root of it was that well
01:29:58
that's the the real the part the problem I have with hours is I I literally I
01:30:03
have a bunch of undercooked stuff and then the dot the idea is which ones
01:30:08
which ones are the which ones will be the best meals Yeah because sometimes you got to take ones that are even like
01:30:14
I have like two bits that are fully cooked now but it's just they don't fit in the hours just doesn't make sense in
01:30:20
that hour and I've told them a lot on the road and I just got to take them out and I can't use them for my next hour
01:30:26
because it's I've already told them a bunch so I gotta write new stuff and then hope that I can take ingredients
01:30:32
out and re-put them in somewhere I mean I I like I don't know right now is my favorite
01:30:38
part of an hour is is I had everyone go watch it last week yeah and they're all signed off on everyone's like holy [ __ ]
01:30:44
it's great hour and I was like for real because I'm so close to it I was like even this part and they're like yeah even this part
01:30:51
even because there's yeah there's one there's one thing I I did on uh that uh
01:30:56
I was and I was like what and I what about this one thing which I thought was really good and they're like it's not that good and I was like shut the [ __ ]
01:31:03
up so I've got the actual hour but now's my favorite part where you like tonight I'm
01:31:09
going to the store I'm doing three shows and all I need all I need are certain tags inside jokes so I just got to work
01:31:15
on I'll take the like uh the the bid I need is um
01:31:20
wine tasting I have a big thing about wine tasting and so all I need are some good gems inside a wine tasting bit so
01:31:27
right now I'm gonna go go on stage and just talk about wine tasting David and and the one line I wrote is uh which I
01:31:33
thought was funny and I'll I'll tell it but hopefully it makes it special but you go into wine tasting and they
01:31:38
just pour you like the little bits of wine like we're about to get our [ __ ] eaten by Michael Jackson and so
01:31:44
so that's the bit I like a good word yeah because that's how he did it I
01:31:49
think so I got like 10 of those written in my
01:31:55
book I'm like of who who would drink just a little bit of wine why they would
01:32:00
drink that little wine and then how do I force that into I walk in and they've got little bits of wine like
01:32:06
that's the funnest part of stand-up of of a special for me is that because
01:32:12
I'll go through my hour and there's lazy writing my dad opens three doors first door and it's my lazy writings is like
01:32:18
[ __ ] you [ __ ] eat my ass you know like whatever yeah and then and then all of a sudden you're like I should probably write a joke in there instead
01:32:25
of just cursing you're like it'll still work the work all right wow I appreciate it
01:32:32
guys thank you it's it's uh I mean like this was so much fun you have an incredible amount of energy all right well thank you so this is a tone down
01:32:39
here by the way for the audience I will do another drinking one uh I can do two drinks oh yeah definitely just give me
01:32:45
some Stellas or something like that I just drink beers cold beers or ice cold beers and high school beer buzzes I'll
01:32:51
go outside of this world that's right that's after after a run or I go hiking and then a couple weeks after a run they
01:32:57
sparkle well just their whole body you get on a whole nother other thing so yeah that'll be fun I'm a runner you
01:33:03
Runner well I was now I'm a hiker because I have a little bit of a hip thing but I was a huge runner for years
01:33:08
yeah really really into it five miles this morning these hips everything uh
01:33:14
overweight I feel a little more in my knees and in my feet feel pretty good though uh well it's because I don't just
01:33:19
look bloated and splotchi because I've been drinking I've I've 20 days off the
01:33:25
sauce so I feel like and I've lost a little bit weight but not as much as you'd think it's okay right but yeah it
01:33:31
must feel great but yeah I just you're good with the shoes and everything you know all about your pronations
01:33:37
I feel myself running in slow motion and you can see me actually pronounce
01:33:48
anyway no that's a great habit running is awesome I think it's the purest wonderful you know oh by the way I might
01:33:55
okay my soulmate today and running and the beer buzz after the
01:34:01
running yeah let's uh we'll fly somewhere together let's fly go run and drink yes that's it that's it we'll
01:34:07
definitely do that for sure yeah [Music] this has been a podcast presentation of
01:34:13
cadence 13. please listen then rate review and follow all episodes available
01:34:19
now for free wherever you get your podcast no joke folks
01:34:24
fly on the wall has been a presentation of cadence 13. executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade Chris
01:34:30
Corcoran of cadence 13 and Charlie finan of brilstein entertainment the show's lead producers Greg Holtzman with
01:34:36
production and Engineering support from Serena Regan and Chris Basil of cadence 13.
