00:00:00
I like to, but I can't. What? Jealous.
00:00:06
Jealous of my spasm.
00:00:09
Vip tea. And he goes, "Are you kidding
00:00:11
me?" He's got a hoy and he's going to
00:00:13
wait a minute. I promised your parents I
00:00:16
wouldn't give you more than one donut. I
00:00:19
can't do it, buddy. I said, "Give me a
00:00:22
donut." Wait a minute. Who are you?
00:00:28
You know what I do when I try to burn
00:00:30
people because I know they don't do a
00:00:32
lot? I go, "Well, what's your big
00:00:34
Saturday? What's your big Saturday
00:00:37
night? What did you do last night? What
00:00:38
was your big Saturday?" And it makes
00:00:40
them go, "Well, it wasn't really a big
00:00:42
Saturday. I just uh, you know, mowed the
00:00:44
lawn and then
00:00:46
looked at my phone for seven and a half
00:00:48
hours and I went to bed."
00:00:51
Most of the time your people are just
00:00:54
generally speaking hanging out.
00:00:56
>> Yeah. Doing nothing.
00:00:57
>> You're just hanging out. Even if you're
00:00:59
When I was a bus boy, we were hanging
00:01:01
out most of the time. You know,
00:01:03
>> you know what's cooler? It used to be
00:01:05
what are you doing? Nothing. But it
00:01:08
sounds cooler to go just chilling.
00:01:12
>> No, you're doing something. You're
00:01:13
chilling. Yeah.
00:01:14
>> My favorite phrase of the last couple
00:01:16
years.
00:01:18
>> Chilling. That's a 70s. My favorite
00:01:20
phrase is someone says, "I'm I'm quiet
00:01:23
quitting."
00:01:25
>> Oh, that's old.
00:01:28
>> No, no, that's fairly new. Quiet
00:01:30
quitting.
00:01:31
>> Yeah, that's people quitting work where
00:01:33
they just stop doing their job.
00:01:34
>> They just don't put any effort. They
00:01:36
phone it in, you know, especially when
00:01:38
>> they get fired.
00:01:38
>> You can go work from home. I don't know
00:01:41
some people do it. Go to Cabo and be on
00:01:42
the beach and then just do two hours in
00:01:44
hotel room like you would do.
00:01:48
Get their work all done. And then party.
00:01:50
I love it. But the robots are going to
00:01:51
take over, so that's all right.
00:01:54
>> Oh, got a little Debbie Downer there.
00:01:58
>> Enjoy your job now because AI will take
00:02:01
it in a week.
00:02:05
Oh no, you [ __ ] I wasn't going to do
00:02:07
this, but now
00:02:08
>> Oh, no. The war of the $2.
00:02:12
>> God, if I if I could find it.
00:02:13
>> Cheapest thing.
00:02:15
>> [ __ ] Oh, I was going to [ __ ] light
00:02:17
you up.
00:02:19
Oh no. If I can't do it, we're not going
00:02:21
to do it because I'm wasting too much
00:02:22
time.
00:02:27
>> I'm trying. I have a bunch.
00:02:28
>> It's hard to see it. It's kind of dark.
00:02:30
The little
00:02:30
>> No, this one sucks.
00:02:32
>> Mine's awesome.
00:02:34
That's a pretty good joke.
00:02:38
>> All right. Could I introduce a new
00:02:40
segment?
00:02:41
>> No. Go ahead.
00:02:43
>> Okay.
00:02:45
I don't even give you any enthusiasm.
00:02:47
And I go,
00:02:48
>> "Okay, this thing I always like to do.
00:02:49
It's called It's called Johnny's Back."
00:02:53
>> So, it's Johnny Carson does jokes. And
00:02:55
then some of them are sort of like he
00:02:57
how he if he was a monologist today, if
00:02:59
he had a show today, what would the
00:03:01
jokes be kind of thing?
00:03:02
>> Okay.
00:03:03
>> So, it's uh you know, this is Johnny
00:03:05
Carson. Uh Johnny is back.
00:03:08
>> I just want to say the world's a little
00:03:09
scary, so you got to go to your local
00:03:11
bar and forget all your troubles. Ed and
00:03:13
I went to the Rusty Nail and we said,
00:03:15
"What do we have?" And the bartender
00:03:16
said, "A double straight of Hormuz.
00:03:25
They're not supposed to be good.
00:03:30
I should have known the bar was actually
00:03:32
called the War Zone."
00:03:35
And I'll have
00:03:39
Okay, that's funny.
00:03:41
>> Ruining your joke. Go ahead. The War
00:03:43
Zone. Go ahead.
00:03:44
>> The War Zone. You know, the uh Mr.
00:03:46
Johnny's back. Uh the stock market's a
00:03:49
little volatile. The Dow Jones is
00:03:50
falling faster than Doc's trousers in a
00:03:53
wh house.
00:03:55
>> Jesus.
00:03:58
Why?
00:04:00
>> Mine's a toilet.
00:04:02
>> No, but the point of Johnny's back is
00:04:04
they don't have to be great jokes.
00:04:06
>> I like them. They're just more updated.
00:04:08
>> Yeah, cuz these would be some old Johnny
00:04:10
jokes. There's
00:04:11
>> The worst gift in the world is a fruitc
00:04:13
cake. There's no one who really wants a
00:04:15
fruit cake. In fact, there's only one
00:04:17
fruit cake in the entire world and
00:04:20
people keep just gifting it to each
00:04:22
other.
00:04:25
Took me a while to get there, but that's
00:04:27
[ __ ] money. So, I'm just inviting the
00:04:31
fans. I need an effect after I say this,
00:04:34
the uh legions of fans to write us
00:04:37
Johnny Carson jokes as if it was in
00:04:41
today's
00:04:42
>> vernacular. Yeah,
00:04:43
>> they do it sometimes on uh
00:04:47
>> who does this
00:04:47
>> on the uh YouTube?
00:04:49
>> God, I have I'm wasting all this time
00:04:51
looking for funny ones, but I don't
00:04:53
know.
00:04:54
>> Oh, I mean actual Carson once.
00:04:56
>> No, just reactions to yours.
00:05:01
>> Well, that would be if he had some kind
00:05:03
of expert on where now we're we're
00:05:05
talking to Mr. Monkey. He's a He can get
00:05:08
a little aggressive, I understand. And
00:05:10
uh
00:05:13
>> here comes his friend. No, I know. No,
00:05:17
that's the wrong one.
00:05:20
That was a fart. It's supposed to be
00:05:21
something else. Oh, here's a monkey one.
00:05:26
>> God, he's [ __ ] hyped up on aderall.
00:05:28
>> Here's what I There's what the audience
00:05:30
thinks about our first few minutes.
00:05:31
>> God,
00:05:35
I don't think I don't know what that
00:05:38
said.
00:05:39
[ __ ] I lost mine again.
00:05:42
>> Forget it. It's solid gold stuff.
00:05:44
>> I have a $2 toy.
00:05:46
>> People are going to be like PayPaling us
00:05:48
money and cash app. This is too good. We
00:05:51
should pay.
00:05:52
>> Right. Right. This is so much more than
00:05:54
what we're getting listening to a few
00:05:56
ads. So,
00:05:59
>> uh, let me see. Oh, someone said on the
00:06:02
YouTube we didn't name drop enough about
00:06:03
the Oscars. Uh,
00:06:06
but I will say
00:06:08
>> Mhm.
00:06:08
>> I think I already said when I golfed
00:06:10
with Santino that day, Andrew Santino
00:06:13
from
00:06:13
>> the Andrewino.
00:06:15
Yeah. Yeah. Of course.
00:06:16
>> You know him? You've done
00:06:17
>> Big Red. Big Red
00:06:18
>> big golfer. So, he invited me down, but
00:06:20
I was paired with Travis Kelce, which I
00:06:22
didn't know for sure I was doing that.
00:06:25
So, we got to have a cart and drive
00:06:27
around and um I got to ask him nothing
00:06:30
about Taylor Swift
00:06:32
>> out of respect.
00:06:35
Did I?
00:06:38
>> Oh, no. I to I just told him that
00:06:42
Taylor's dad was at one of the shows and
00:06:44
uh gave me some guitar picks, which was
00:06:48
nice. A little ziplock
00:06:50
from uh he said, "You can take these
00:06:52
around and tell them that."
00:06:55
>> Did he Did he start Give me your
00:06:56
friends.
00:06:56
>> Did he fall asleep actively in the in
00:06:59
the golf cart when you were doing that?
00:07:02
Hey, hey, hey, Mr. Mr. Kelsey. Kelsey,
00:07:07
Taylor Swift, one time was at a college
00:07:10
and then I was there. I was there
00:07:12
afterwards.
00:07:14
>> That's my whole story.
00:07:16
>> That's about the length it should be.
00:07:19
Uh, all my stories are that boring, but
00:07:22
they're five minutes longer.
00:07:24
>> You know what I find in general,
00:07:26
although it could blow up in your face?
00:07:28
>> Yeah.
00:07:29
>> Is being just totally honest. It's like
00:07:31
what is man football player you're all
00:07:34
time great and then this happens this
00:07:37
global media and all that. How are you
00:07:39
processing that? Can you ask me uh my
00:07:41
nine iron please? I need my wedge.
00:07:44
>> Yeah,
00:07:44
>> Kelsey, hand me my Would you hand me
00:07:46
>> mix it in? He's not my caddy.
00:07:48
>> But sometimes people are like
00:07:50
>> No. Well, and my story is you're not
00:07:53
like little David Spade. Me can't talk
00:07:56
to
00:07:56
>> I'm meek and frail.
00:07:57
>> He's too famous. No, I just didn't want
00:08:01
to give him the typical questions, but
00:08:02
he was nice. He
00:08:04
>> I'm just kidding. But
00:08:05
>> Santino was funny. And we went five of
00:08:07
us, which is a lot. It's usually four
00:08:09
golfing. But
00:08:10
>> he, by the way, the dude can power hit.
00:08:12
He does put those big muscles. I said,
00:08:15
"This might sound weird, but can I feel
00:08:17
your muscles?"
00:08:18
>> This may sound weird. Can I feel all
00:08:19
your muscles?
00:08:20
>> Well, you hit a golf ball with your your
00:08:23
your legs and your ass. So, I think you
00:08:25
don't want to feel the muscles that he's
00:08:27
really using. Oh,
00:08:29
>> you don't hit it with your arms. Like
00:08:30
your your legs are just like little
00:08:32
they're straight. Your knees are locked
00:08:34
and you just go like that. You get it
00:08:35
like 10 feet. It has to be the lower.
00:08:38
>> You have to use your core. And then I
00:08:39
go, "This is your core." And then I go,
00:08:41
"Are you ticklish?"
00:08:43
>> Right.
00:08:44
>> Right.
00:08:45
>> Well, I played back gammon with um
00:08:49
Shabbazi. What's his name?
00:08:51
>> Shabuzzi.
00:08:52
>> Shabuzzi and I played back gam.
00:08:55
And I'm just trying to, you know, I got
00:08:57
stories too. No, it was Oscar weekend,
00:08:59
so of course people are coming out of
00:09:01
the woodwork.
00:09:02
>> Lady Gaga and I played chess. End of
00:09:04
story. In the park. She had sunglasses
00:09:07
on.
00:09:08
>> Did you smack it like between each play?
00:09:10
>> Well, I just I just said, "Well, where
00:09:12
how did you get the name G? Did you
00:09:17
first think of G then you added another
00:09:20
G?"
00:09:22
Did you say which ones didn't make the
00:09:25
cut? Which ones were even dumber? Gooo.
00:09:29
>> Yeah. Isn't your real name Barbara
00:09:32
Billingsley or something
00:09:35
from Leave to
00:09:36
>> Why is it Lady Baba?
00:09:38
>> Why do I go into G at this age when I'm
00:09:41
talking to her? This
00:09:43
>> it's funny to do G. So golf but the the
00:09:47
Oscar parties were I there's not much to
00:09:49
say. Oh, you know I saw as the kid from
00:09:51
um I forgot to say this. We were walking
00:09:53
around,
00:09:55
me and my buddy Dan, and we were in the
00:09:58
back. We went to the back corner
00:10:01
to get a little stand up, you know,
00:10:04
circle top to just rest and survey the
00:10:06
perimeter and not be in the mix because
00:10:09
it was like I get you get overwhelmed
00:10:11
fast. You just maybe we should bust out
00:10:14
of here. But then one of the kids from
00:10:16
the hockey show came over said, "Can we
00:10:19
split this table?" I said, "Yeah, for
00:10:20
sure."
00:10:21
>> Did you say hockey? Oh,
00:10:23
>> the hockey show where they are lovers.
00:10:25
Dana, wake up.
00:10:26
>> What is it on? The Pluto channel.
00:10:30
>> Logo. What's it on, Heather?
00:10:34
She said, "Dana, I can't believe you
00:10:36
don't know it." Then I go, "What?" She's
00:10:37
like, "I don't know."
00:10:38
>> Uh, it's called Sibling Rivalry. It's
00:10:41
called Heated Rivalry.
00:10:43
>> I got it.
00:10:44
>> HBO Max.
00:10:45
>> HBO Max.
00:10:47
>> Geez. What do you HBO Max? I'm still
00:10:49
working through season one of Love
00:10:51
Island.
00:10:52
>> You are not watching Love Island.
00:10:54
>> Uhhuh. Mhm.
00:10:56
>> Not like Uh-huh.
00:10:59
>> Let's have a group chat about it.
00:11:02
>> No, but Heated Rivalry, Dana, is about
00:11:04
two tough hockey players that fall on
00:11:08
the ice and they start kissing.
00:11:10
>> No, it's not.
00:11:12
>> They're rival.
00:11:13
>> Oh, they're rival teams. They hate each
00:11:14
other, but they really don't.
00:11:17
>> Um, wait a minute. So, sorry, but it's
00:11:20
like a gay hockey show. I mean, what?
00:11:22
>> There you go. You're getting
00:11:23
>> Is that Is that bad to say that or
00:11:25
>> No, it's what it is. Every girl in the
00:11:28
world loves it. Literally, every single
00:11:29
girl in the world loves it.
00:11:31
>> That's Thanks, Greg. It's exactly what
00:11:33
it is. And why do women love that idea?
00:11:38
What is it, Heather?
00:11:40
>> Heather, tell me the two guys names.
00:11:42
>> Same thing to you.
00:11:44
It's the same thing why a guy likes to
00:11:46
see two girls. It seems odd, but guys
00:11:49
like to see two girls hooking up and
00:11:51
then girls I didn't know like to see two
00:11:53
guys hooking up.
00:11:56
>> Okay.
00:11:56
>> Even Nikki Glazer says, "Well, one guy's
00:11:59
name is Connor and hosted SNL." And this
00:12:02
was the other gentleman who was very
00:12:04
nice actually.
00:12:06
Why don't I remember his name? Say his
00:12:08
name.
00:12:09
>> Oh god, everyone's asleep at the wheel.
00:12:11
Uh anyway,
00:12:12
>> yeah, this is so early. Too early. And I
00:12:14
said to Nikki, "Do you watch that show?"
00:12:17
And she said, "Oh, yeah." And then some
00:12:19
other people were there. And the girls
00:12:21
said, "Oh,
00:12:23
the hockey show where they're gay. I've
00:12:24
heard about, but I don't think I'd like
00:12:26
it. I don't like hockey." She goes, "The
00:12:27
good news is there almost no hockey."
00:12:30
She goes, "There's no hockey. They start
00:12:32
by going and then no hockey the rest of
00:12:35
the whole thing."
00:12:36
>> Conor story.
00:12:38
>> It was Hudson. Yeah,
00:12:39
>> those are real names. That's great.
00:12:41
>> Connor hosted SNL. Wake up, Dana. What
00:12:44
year did he host it when I was there
00:12:46
playing Biden last night? Three weeks
00:12:47
ago.
00:12:48
>> Don't be jealous. Oh, that guy. Yeah,
00:12:50
he's good. He's funny. I saw it. I don't
00:12:52
keep the names Dan.
00:12:54
>> I don't I can't Danny. I don't know.
00:13:00
>> Anyway, he looks a little like
00:13:02
>> um I think it's great. I just thought
00:13:04
sort of the folklore was that women were
00:13:07
more sexually fluid in a sense and men
00:13:10
were either one team or the other.
00:13:13
I know. I'm so tough. I I don't even get
00:13:16
HBO Max because my TV knows how tough I
00:13:19
am.
00:13:20
>> It's like, you don't want to see this.
00:13:21
You don't want to see it.
00:13:22
>> Why? I don't connect the dots.
00:13:25
>> Cuz it's a show about two gay guys
00:13:27
hooking up.
00:13:28
>> So, you're so not I'm so manly that you
00:13:31
can't even get it on. It won't
00:13:32
>> I can't even It wouldn't even
00:13:33
understand. I'd be like,
00:13:34
>> you try to order does not compute.
00:13:37
>> My subscription has been cancelled due
00:13:39
to overt masculinity.
00:13:42
Please call Mark Phineas Gervitz at 517.
00:13:47
>> Let me tell you.
00:13:47
>> Is it?
00:13:49
>> Maybe you like it. They like money. It's
00:13:51
a hit show.
00:13:52
>> Hey, it's all fun.
00:13:56
>> I don't know. Maybe we'll get you on
00:13:57
there. I got the I put the cat on the
00:13:59
roof. You know what? I went George Bush.
00:14:02
The cat on the roof is a really cool
00:14:05
phrase that I didn't know about. Meaning
00:14:07
a deal is almost sealed. The cat's on
00:14:09
the roof.
00:14:10
>> Yeah. He you know what he used to say? I
00:14:12
called the guy. I set the table. So when
00:14:16
you call, he knows everything that's
00:14:17
going on. You just close it. Whatever.
00:14:19
And now he goes, I called the guy. The
00:14:22
cat's on the roof. Next time he And I
00:14:24
go, you said it three times in this
00:14:26
conversation. I don't know what you're
00:14:28
talking. Is that a phrase? He goes,
00:14:30
everybody knows that one. Wake up.
00:14:33
One time he said to me, I I set the
00:14:35
table.
00:14:36
>> Yeah, I set the table. That's
00:14:37
>> I got two spoons.
00:14:40
You bring a knife.
00:14:41
>> One's for soup.
00:14:42
>> Are we talking about a deal in
00:14:44
Hollywood?
00:14:44
>> No. You bring the salad fork.
00:14:47
>> The napkin goes tucked up in your shirt.
00:14:50
WE'RE GETTING CLOSE.
00:14:50
>> AND THEN you close a deal.
00:14:52
>> Yeah. And then you get a TV dinner.
00:14:55
>> I set the ball up. You spike it.
00:14:59
>> Mark's listening right now. He loves
00:15:01
>> He doesn't know what we're talking
00:15:02
about.
00:15:02
>> But you remember I'm the guy who went
00:15:04
from got to do it then nah. Got to do
00:15:06
it. So with Gervitz now to make it to
00:15:08
amuse myself, I have to take
00:15:10
>> crazier.
00:15:11
>> We got a deal FOR YOU. IT'S almost it's
00:15:15
almost Archie Bunker. What was her name?
00:15:17
Uh Edith.
00:15:18
>> Edith. I got a nice Elindian casino for
00:15:20
you.
00:15:21
>> Mhm.
00:15:22
>> It's a It's a quick 5h hour flight and a
00:15:24
two-hour
00:15:25
>> a short hop. Frankfurt to Beijing.
00:15:30
>> Couple of short hops.
00:15:33
I think this life save.
00:15:36
>> So that's Anyway, set the table.
00:15:39
Landscape has changed. I go, I thought
00:15:41
we were going to do that deal. N the
00:15:42
landscape has changed.
00:15:45
So much manager talk. I can't take it. I
00:15:48
>> know. They did. They do that in old
00:15:50
timey days where it was just complete
00:15:52
code. I think it was more
00:15:54
straightforward. We've uh we've achieved
00:15:56
a deal with Warner Brothers. Now it's
00:15:58
like the cheese is in the fridge.
00:16:02
Yeah, I he doesn't want to be replaced
00:16:03
by AI. So, we talk so insane that AI
00:16:06
doesn't even know how to repeat it,
00:16:07
though.
00:16:08
>> No one knows if the deal is sealed or
00:16:11
not. Deal. The deal is sealed. It was
00:16:13
kind of too old timey.
00:16:15
>> Now, we're on the one yard line.
00:16:16
>> Yeah. Now, now it's I'll be finished
00:16:19
sewing my sweater by tomorrow.
00:16:22
>> I know. You go. What is that? Is that
00:16:24
good? Oh, yeah. You're going to be nice
00:16:27
and toasty on Monday, if you know what I
00:16:29
mean. So, I'll wear the sweater that
00:16:31
you're It'll be done. All right.
00:16:35
This is off the record. Little birdie
00:16:37
told me.
00:16:38
Trust me. Trust me.
00:16:41
>> Mhm. And now you know the internations,
00:16:44
ladies and gentlemen, of Hollywood
00:16:47
>> having a ridiculous manager.
00:16:49
>> This has been Hollywood talk.
00:16:51
>> This is real inside baseball.
00:16:53
>> Yeah, we got Johnny's back as a new
00:16:55
segment. We got Hollywood talk. We need
00:16:58
We need a banger. You have five.
00:17:00
>> We did the Oscar live show. I mean, it
00:17:02
almost broke the internet.
00:17:07
>> The thing
00:17:07
>> we did a show Monday and it was live. We
00:17:10
did fly on the wall live for once and
00:17:13
now we're just raking in all the praise.
00:17:16
>> The problem is u you know the brand of
00:17:18
our podcast is two nice guys, not true
00:17:21
behind the scenes. Two incredibly nice
00:17:23
guys get together and do a podcast. Now,
00:17:26
if we want to trend, we shet
00:17:30
on people at the Oscars.
00:17:32
>> Yeah.
00:17:33
>> Take them down. If we want to get a
00:17:34
million hits, you could. We know what
00:17:36
you could say right now.
00:17:37
>> And the probably the thing with the
00:17:39
scream go
00:17:40
>> I used to be a little more like that,
00:17:41
but I thought, you know what? We should
00:17:42
have gotten Tim Dylan or someone to come
00:17:44
on.
00:17:44
>> Yeah.
00:17:45
>> And they do the dirty work and then we
00:17:46
just laugh.
00:17:48
>> That's smart.
00:17:49
>> Tim's great at it.
00:17:57
I just have to tell you, Dana, there's
00:17:59
something I'm excited about.
00:18:01
>> Now, you remember we talked about Jury
00:18:04
Duty, the show?
00:18:06
>> Oh, yeah.
00:18:06
>> Season one. Yeah.
00:18:07
>> Yeah.
00:18:08
>> And that one, I saw it on Tik Tok
00:18:11
>> and then it was kind of a word of mouth
00:18:13
thing. It It blew up. It was funny.
00:18:16
>> And uh it actually all pulled together,
00:18:18
which I was shocked they pulled that
00:18:20
thing together. Yeah.
00:18:21
>> Uh, and I was like, "Will they do it
00:18:24
again?" And they did.
00:18:26
>> And cool. I think that's very cool.
00:18:29
>> It was set in the courtroom the first
00:18:30
time. And, uh,
00:18:32
>> this is going to be a company retreat.
00:18:34
>> Hm. Yeah.
00:18:36
>> Yeah. Jury Duty presents company
00:18:37
retreat. It takes this groundbreaking
00:18:40
social experiment out of the courthouse.
00:18:42
Stay with me, Dana.
00:18:43
>> Yeah, I got it.
00:18:44
>> And drops it into the most relatable
00:18:46
setting ever, company corporate retreat.
00:18:49
And if you've ever survived that awkward
00:18:51
team building exercises or a trust fall
00:18:53
with co-workers, you you know the vibe.
00:18:57
>> Yeah. I mean, this is an inspired idea,
00:18:59
I got to say, after jury duty to put it
00:19:01
in a company retreat. This season
00:19:03
follows Anthony, a real temp hired by
00:19:06
Rocking Grandma's Hot Sauce for their
00:19:09
annual retreat.
00:19:10
>> Right there. They should figure it out.
00:19:12
Rock and grandma's hot sauce.
00:19:13
>> Yeah, I know. Except he has no idea the
00:19:17
entire thing is staged around him. It's
00:19:19
a workplace comedy meets hidden camera
00:19:22
and uh it's unpredictable. It's
00:19:24
authentic. It's so full of heart. The
00:19:26
stakes are higher. The laughs are
00:19:28
bigger. And it still celebrates the
00:19:31
goodness in people. And here's the wild
00:19:33
part. Rock and grandma's hot sauce.
00:19:36
They're actually making it.
00:19:37
>> Okay.
00:19:38
>> And the flavors will be available on
00:19:40
Amazon.
00:19:41
>> Oh my god. I wonder if they started that
00:19:42
first or if they they just made up that
00:19:45
name and then it sounded funny.
00:19:47
But it's going to get a lot of
00:19:48
attention. But you know, this thing
00:19:51
>> I'm kind of glad they didn't do it in
00:19:52
the courtroom again cuz someone would
00:19:54
figure that out. I would think.
00:19:56
>> Oh, I don't think they could do it in
00:19:57
the courtroom. I think that company
00:19:59
retreat is uh the next best one. Yeah.
00:20:02
>> It's hard to think of where to do it,
00:20:03
but they did a good job. So, looking
00:20:05
forward to that.
00:20:06
>> Me, too. Watch now on Prime Video.
00:20:09
Weren't you called the king of Snark at
00:20:11
one point?
00:20:12
>> I was for a while, but I think I handed
00:20:15
it down. I didn't know what the word
00:20:16
snarky was. And I heard it first from
00:20:18
Dan Akroyd. I've never heard that term.
00:20:20
>> Really? You know, you know,
00:20:22
>> because you're the snarky guy around
00:20:24
here, huh?
00:20:24
>> You're the snarky guy. You know, uh, you
00:20:26
know, you know, people love this the
00:20:28
snark, you know. Yeah. You know, it's a
00:20:30
good good way to get a laugh, right? I'm
00:20:32
I'm Dan. I'm Dan Arkroyd.
00:20:34
>> God, when Dan came by the old SNL
00:20:36
offices, we would just be like arp.
00:20:39
>> I know. He sat with us when we were
00:20:40
there in ' 86. We he had dinner with us,
00:20:43
you know. uh don't be in a hurry to
00:20:45
leave the show. And he and he then he
00:20:46
talked all about investing. What do you
00:20:48
do with your money? You take the money
00:20:49
you earn and then you invest it.
00:20:51
>> Oh,
00:20:51
>> he's worth 300 million.
00:20:53
>> Wait, you were only 10 years after the
00:20:56
huge blow up of SNL. So Dan Akroyd being
00:20:59
there right off the heels and he was
00:21:01
doing like trading places and [ __ ] Holy
00:21:03
[ __ ]
00:21:05
>> Uh Dan Akroyd as everyone knows is
00:21:08
Canadian nice. He didn't have he never
00:21:10
had an ego or answer. I'd rather really
00:21:13
look at look at um haunted houses to be
00:21:16
honest. I mean he's fascinated by UFOs,
00:21:18
paranormal.
00:21:20
>> So anyway, he's
00:21:21
>> I'm jealous of people. I am too, but I'm
00:21:23
not that interesting. But you want to be
00:21:25
different than just show stupid
00:21:28
>> stuff.
00:21:28
>> Well, let's talk let's talk about the
00:21:30
Oscars for a second and see if we can
00:21:31
get a banger without being too mean
00:21:36
>> after our Oscars show.
00:21:37
>> It's a lot of rules. Now we
00:21:39
>> we have another week. We could [ __ ] on
00:21:41
our Oscar live streaming episode 13
00:21:44
hours after Conan was face down in a
00:21:47
pile of his own goo at the at the hook
00:21:49
and crook.
00:21:51
>> His own goo.
00:21:52
>> No. Yeah, that's who's to say that you
00:21:54
know this guy drank so much he woke up
00:21:56
face down in a pile of his own goo. You
00:21:59
don't know that expression?
00:22:01
>> No.
00:22:01
>> You aren't the
00:22:02
>> I'm going to add it.
00:22:04
>> Conan doesn't drink.
00:22:06
>> Wait, what else is it going to tell you?
00:22:08
Oh, the Bus Boys trailer came out.
00:22:10
>> Oh, yeah.
00:22:10
>> And and also that Keanu Reeves movie I
00:22:14
did. Smaller part, but that came out.
00:22:17
It's called Outcome. That's on Apple TV.
00:22:19
That'll be in April 10th. And then Bus
00:22:22
Boys is theaters April 17th, but
00:22:26
>> Wow.
00:22:27
>> A handful of theaters. So,
00:22:29
I'm telling people, buy your tickets now
00:22:31
because it's it's only in maybe a
00:22:33
hundred.
00:22:34
>> I'm just going to call it right now.
00:22:35
April is the month of the spade.
00:22:39
>> Yeah. Well, I saw the outcome trailer.
00:22:42
I'm not in it that much. I'm gonna post
00:22:43
it today, Heather, because um
00:22:45
>> What do you play? I mean, what do you
00:22:48
>> I'm uh
00:22:49
>> what you have an accent or
00:22:50
>> I'm one of his buddies whose name is
00:22:52
Buddy. So, no, I don't have an accent. I
00:22:55
don't do anything. It's just
00:22:56
>> You don't do an accent?
00:22:57
>> I'm kind of a douchebag. So, I live next
00:22:59
to him in Malibu. And the joke is, you
00:23:03
know, in Malibu, you kind of the
00:23:05
balconies closed together like that. You
00:23:07
have about a foot between them cuz
00:23:08
they're all badged together. The beach
00:23:10
house,
00:23:11
>> which is legit
00:23:12
>> because they built it. It wasn't really
00:23:14
in Malibu. It looked exactly.
00:23:16
>> Anyway,
00:23:19
um, so when I live here and he lives
00:23:21
here, I can always talk to him. He can't
00:23:24
really escape me. So I'm like, "What's
00:23:27
up, guy?"
00:23:29
And he's like, "Oh, hey, man." And and
00:23:30
then like he goes out there to kind of
00:23:32
zen and meditate. He's going through the
00:23:34
ringer because he's
00:23:36
>> superstar. He's got a movie coming out,
00:23:39
but he's getting blackmailed and he just
00:23:42
wants some peace and quiet. I'm like,
00:23:44
>> "What's up?"
00:23:45
>> And then he's got You're You're chipping
00:23:47
at him.
00:23:47
>> I'm just up his ass. Yeah. Just like
00:23:49
star [ __ ] him and he's cuz I know
00:23:51
he's a star in the movie. You know, he's
00:23:53
plays like a Robert Downey Jr. big star
00:23:56
and so uh kind of like he is in real
00:23:58
life. But Jonah Hill wrote it and
00:24:01
directed it.
00:24:01
>> Oh yeah. Oh, that's cool.
00:24:03
>> Cameron Diaz is his friend and um Jonah
00:24:08
is his lawyer and Matt Bulmer.
00:24:10
>> Sounds kind of like a cool movie.
00:24:12
>> It's a great It's a fun movie. You know,
00:24:14
I'm going to go to the premiere in a
00:24:15
little while, a couple weeks, but you
00:24:17
know, so that's out.
00:24:19
>> Bus Boys.
00:24:20
>> Bus Boys. Bus Boys.
00:24:22
>> We're trying to get Theo to come on
00:24:23
before Bus Boys. So, we're gonna
00:24:25
hopefully he'll be on here if he gets
00:24:27
back in town because we want to do it in
00:24:28
person.
00:24:29
You know,
00:24:31
>> Bus Boys. Yeah. I may, you know, I've
00:24:33
told you this and I think Theo, that
00:24:35
John Loveitz and I tried to get a sketch
00:24:37
on SNL once.
00:24:39
>> And it was called Billionaire Bus Boys.
00:24:42
>> Yeah.
00:24:42
>> And And then we had a song, Billionaire
00:24:44
Bus Boys. Billionaire Bus Boys. Just
00:24:46
like you and me. Billionaire Bus Boys.
00:24:49
Billionaire Bus Boys. They are so
00:24:51
carefree. They will clean your table
00:24:55
when they're ready and able. Oh,
00:24:58
billionaire billionaire billionaire bus
00:25:00
boys just like you and me except they're
00:25:05
billionaires. So the idea is they have
00:25:08
they have to be employed a certain
00:25:10
amount to keep all their inheritance
00:25:12
coming in.
00:25:13
>> Oh.
00:25:13
>> So every
00:25:14
>> it's kind of like Brewers millions.
00:25:16
>> Every few days they just get fired on
00:25:18
purpose. So someone's just eating their
00:25:19
soup posh restaurant. You just sit in
00:25:21
front of them and take the I think I'll
00:25:23
take that just to get
00:25:25
>> spoon up your ass. They have to get
00:25:27
fired. So, they're slugging people and
00:25:29
throwing chairs. So,
00:25:32
>> yeah,
00:25:32
>> that'll be so cool.
00:25:34
>> Try to be a bus boy for this. By the
00:25:36
way, love is his back hurts. So, I I
00:25:40
might have to go over there and nurse
00:25:42
him today.
00:25:43
>> Uh maybe I'll I'll text him or call.
00:25:45
>> Give him a call. Check on him.
00:25:47
>> Yeah, the back. He likes to golf and
00:25:49
play tennis. You got to really keep your
00:25:51
core on.
00:25:51
>> I like to, but I can't. What? Jealous.
00:25:57
>> Jealous of my spasm.
00:26:00
>> Um, yeah. I had an idea that maybe John,
00:26:04
the character of John Love, will be part
00:26:06
of our five hour energy segment today.
00:26:08
>> Oh, really?
00:26:09
>> Mhm.
00:26:09
>> Oh, let's do it.
00:26:10
>> Just a tease.
00:26:12
>> No, let's do it.
00:26:12
>> Let's do it.
00:26:14
>> This is buzzing around. You know what
00:26:16
it's time for. It's time for buzzing
00:26:17
around.
00:26:18
>> Sponsored by 5Hour Energy and their
00:26:21
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00:26:26
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00:26:32
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00:26:37
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00:26:39
>> I'm going to take a slug while you rev
00:26:40
up your pipes. Take a slug.
00:26:44
This is kind of like um a movie set
00:26:49
where Owen Wilson Hey, plays the
00:26:53
babysitter of John Love it who plays
00:26:57
himself as a three-year-old
00:27:01
and then there's a then there's a
00:27:03
surprise guest. I'll try to make it
00:27:05
simple. All right.
00:27:06
>> Sure.
00:27:06
>> Owen Well syndrome.
00:27:07
>> Everyone silent, please.
00:27:10
>> Go ahead.
00:27:10
>> Sorry, little buddy. You can't have
00:27:13
another doughnut.
00:27:15
Why not? I want another donut. Jealous?
00:27:21
I promised your parents I wouldn't give
00:27:24
you more than one donut. I can't do it,
00:27:26
buddy. I said give me a donut. Wait a
00:27:30
minute. Who are you? I'm Brad Pitt. Brad
00:27:35
Pitt. Perfect. Maybe you can help me
00:27:37
with this baby. John Love it.
00:27:40
You know, I'm not supposed to give him
00:27:42
another donut. That's a good plan. What
00:27:46
do you think I should do?
00:27:49
I can think of worse things than giving
00:27:51
that little fella a donut. And I think
00:27:54
there's nothing wrong with giving a
00:27:56
little kid a second doughnut. He'll
00:27:58
remember it the rest of his life.
00:28:00
Exactly, Brad Pitt.
00:28:03
>> So, give me a donut. I think it was a
00:28:05
pretty good scene. Should we Should we
00:28:07
do it again, would he? No, that's uh I
00:28:10
think we got it, you know. Just uh it's
00:28:12
great. No, you're terrific, but uh maybe
00:28:15
we'll release it. Uh it'll be a an
00:28:17
opener for for bus boys. I try to go
00:28:20
full circle.
00:28:22
I've got good news, Brad Pitt. I pooped
00:28:26
my diapers.
00:28:31
I'm so jealous you have that. I'll get
00:28:33
you one.
00:28:34
>> No, I have That's right. John should
00:28:37
have gone more scatological cuz he does
00:28:39
like that. I have a full diaper.
00:28:42
Jealous.
00:28:44
Oh, [ __ ] Heather, I ran out of
00:28:47
batteries. I was going to go beep.
00:28:51
This piece of [ __ ] Did you do that? The
00:28:55
>> They said it would last 5,000 years.
00:28:57
>> Five hours.
00:28:59
>> Taking this out of my doomsday [ __ ]
00:29:00
basement.
00:29:04
>> My doomsday basement. I have a box, you
00:29:07
know, in case everything goes wrong.
00:29:10
>> It's
00:29:12
a rat bag with cashews and um raisins
00:29:17
and uh That's right. Five head shots.
00:29:20
>> I don't know if I need those, but um
00:29:22
just to make sure people know I'm
00:29:23
famous. If there's a bunch of rubble
00:29:25
>> if there's a Yeah, it's kind of like
00:29:26
>> Please help me first. Please help me.
00:29:28
>> Would you potentially be like Burgess
00:29:31
Meredith in this scenario?
00:29:33
You got to help me rock because these
00:29:35
rocks are going to hurt me. Boy minute.
00:29:40
Just so people know, he's doing Burgess
00:29:43
Meredith, this famous actor for 100
00:29:45
years who was playing the rough and
00:29:48
tumble Brooklyn kind of coach, a trainer
00:29:51
>> to Sylvester Stallone and Rocky. He's
00:29:54
supplanting it to a very sophisticated
00:29:57
1962 black and white Twilight Zone where
00:29:59
he plays someone who survives a nuclear
00:30:02
holocaust and wants to read books.
00:30:05
>> Just so just so it makes sense.
00:30:07
>> He was always worried about Rocky and he
00:30:09
likes and he's more tough love. If you
00:30:11
look if you watch the movies carefully,
00:30:13
he does like Rocky. He's very tough on
00:30:16
him. And he goes, "I'm going fight Mr.
00:30:19
T." And he goes, "Are you kidding me?
00:30:20
He's got a hoy. He's got a poant.
00:30:24
Permanent.
00:30:25
>> Yeah, permanent.
00:30:27
>> But he says poment every time.
00:30:30
>> You know, just do it.
00:30:34
>> I TOLD YOU HIS BRAIN IS GOOD. HE'S
00:30:37
CLEARED THE FIGHT.
00:30:39
>> He got scrambled eggs.
00:30:41
>> I mean, basically in the first movie, he
00:30:44
led with his face instead of throwing
00:30:46
punch for like,
00:30:48
>> "Keep hitting me till you're tired.
00:30:52
Hey yo. Hey. And he's all swollen. Hey.
00:30:56
Adrien.
00:30:57
>> That's pretty good.
00:31:01
And she fell in love with him right at
00:31:03
that moment.
00:31:04
>> Adrien was like the most supportive
00:31:06
wife. You can't win.
00:31:09
I was like, "Oh, thanks, Adrien." And
00:31:10
then after he wins, she's like, "You
00:31:12
shouldn't have won. It should have been
00:31:13
a decision for him." I'm like, "Adrien,
00:31:17
>> after how much money do you have on
00:31:18
this?" Uhoh. Yeah, I put on the
00:31:20
sunglasses, but my eyes are so swollen
00:31:23
with butt kiss.
00:31:27
>> Is that the turtle or the dog?
00:31:30
>> Ring ring ring ring. Yeah, this is
00:31:33
sneaker. Oh, boy.
00:31:34
>> I could do a fight picture, too. I could
00:31:37
take punishment with my face.
00:31:42
Sorry. Yeah, I know. It's okay. Yeah,
00:31:46
>> it's okay. So, you're going to vacation
00:31:48
to Mexico? Yeah.
00:31:57
Anyway, I'm a huge fan of both those
00:32:00
guys. Stallone and Schwarzenegger,
00:32:02
greatest movie stars, man.
00:32:03
>> I like that you add that at the end.
00:32:04
>> I know. In case people go, I'm not doing
00:32:07
Sylvester Stallone. I'm exaggerating the
00:32:09
character of Rocky when he got his face
00:32:12
smashed by Apollo Creed.
00:32:15
>> Mhm. He's got cinder blocks in his
00:32:18
gloves. Now you got to work around these
00:32:21
challenges.
00:32:22
>> Yeah, the guy was kind of negative. He's
00:32:24
going to MUY PERMANENT. HIS HANDS are
00:32:27
like blocks of concrete. He's twice as
00:32:30
big as you. Where's the bad part, Paul?
00:32:34
You're on so many steroid nuts on your
00:32:37
chest.
00:32:40
Hey, 2% body fat doesn't play it. Okay.
00:32:45
>> You haven't had a boner since 1971,
00:32:48
Rock.
00:32:51
>> You're not ALLOWED TO PUT HAVE AN IV IN
00:32:54
YOUR ARM DURING THE FIGHT. ALL RIGHT,
00:32:57
>> get it ready.
00:32:59
>> All right, we're going to Let's go to
00:33:00
some stories.
00:33:02
>> Oh, shoot.
00:33:03
>> You didn't read.
00:33:04
>> How come you can see that? Okay. God,
00:33:06
they got a good one. That whole [ __ ]
00:33:08
was buzzing around. You had a hundred
00:33:11
impressions.
00:33:12
>> Oh, good. Yeah. Sponsored by 5Hour
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>> Now we'll go now. Now we'll go to some
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00:35:02
>> Your words, not mine. Now, we did a
00:35:05
12minute buzzing around.
00:35:07
>> Yeah, that was
00:35:08
>> Is that the way it's supposed to go? All
00:35:10
right. Here he is. Is
00:35:10
>> this supposed to be split screen? Let me
00:35:12
see.
00:35:12
>> Yeah. Look at that blue line right where
00:35:14
we have to see.
00:35:16
>> Okay.
00:35:16
>> Okay.
00:35:17
>> Oh, yeah. Okay. Mississippi.
00:35:20
Okay. You know about NIL and all this,
00:35:22
>> of course. name image like
00:35:24
>> Mississippi is pulling a fast one and
00:35:26
saying they pass a no tax on NIL money
00:35:30
it helps Old Miss and Mississippi State
00:35:32
of course look at it like it says at the
00:35:35
bottom a teacher taxed police taxed
00:35:38
healthcare worker third string
00:35:40
cornerback taxfree so they can say come
00:35:43
here we'll not only give you a couple
00:35:45
million to play in college we won't tax
00:35:47
you
00:35:48
>> that's uh I I assume they'll win every
00:35:51
game the rest
00:35:52
>> tipping the scale cuz you're going to if
00:35:54
you get a $3 million offer from
00:35:56
California and you get, you know, the
00:35:58
worst taxes in the country, then you go,
00:36:00
I can go to Old Miss.
00:36:01
>> I know.
00:36:02
>> Keep all my money. I mean, crazy.
00:36:04
>> That is the problem. I mean, he was I
00:36:06
guess the Senator John Kennedy was
00:36:08
having lunch with uh Gavin Newsome. Now,
00:36:11
it get me wrong, but the thing you have
00:36:14
to remember is that you are competing
00:36:17
for talent on all levels from 50 other
00:36:21
states. Yeah. Did I do I make myself
00:36:24
clear now? You want to tax the [ __ ] out
00:36:27
of people? Sorry. Pardon my French. And
00:36:30
do you think that'll make them come to
00:36:32
your state and work there?
00:36:36
>> 50. The right amount of states cuz that
00:36:39
number is the states. Yeah.
00:36:40
>> Well, that's smart. Some some guy came
00:36:42
out of a swamp. So, I got an idea.
00:36:45
>> Yeah, that's a good idea. We ain't going
00:36:47
to tax N
00:36:50
ANYMORE.
00:36:52
Mississippi today was reported to be the
00:36:54
highest per capita earning state of the
00:36:57
nation. That was Tom Brooff.
00:37:00
>> Yeah. Every kid there is going to make
00:37:02
so much money. It is a smart move and
00:37:04
they pass it right away because there's
00:37:05
not much going on. So they're just like,
00:37:06
"Hey, this is how we can draw and have a
00:37:09
killer team." It's
00:37:09
>> Do people understand when when I NIL
00:37:12
came in or what it means? Is that common
00:37:14
knowledge name? You can be in college
00:37:17
and get paid doing Instagram and you're
00:37:20
promoting and commercials. You can get
00:37:22
paid.
00:37:24
>> You know what's funny is they
00:37:25
>> millions name image and likeness, but
00:37:28
really it's just been we'll just pay you
00:37:30
to come here.
00:37:31
>> Mhm.
00:37:32
>> And so we can use your name, image,
00:37:33
image, and likeness,
00:37:35
>> but that's very secondary, it seems,
00:37:38
because it's really just like a draft.
00:37:40
Like every year you can just switch
00:37:43
schools. I think you can switch during,
00:37:45
but switch around. But put it this way,
00:37:48
when I was growing up, they'd be like,
00:37:50
"The coach gets 10 million,
00:37:52
>> the stadium is full of 80,000 people
00:37:55
paying, they got concessions." I mean,
00:37:56
it's a billions and billions and
00:37:58
billions of dollars and these guys
00:38:00
playing football and they're getting
00:38:02
paid zero and they could get an injury
00:38:04
and then that's it. So, it' be like, you
00:38:06
know, I don't I don't know if I'm coming
00:38:08
back from my senior year. I can't feel
00:38:11
my feet.
00:38:13
It's like varsity blues. Yeah. Well, I
00:38:17
think that's true. And so people said
00:38:19
they should get paid. This feels like it
00:38:21
was an overcorrection. Well, maybe it
00:38:23
was an over someone in the middle.
00:38:24
>> The the gymnast who's now on Baywatch,
00:38:27
I'm sorry. Her name is
00:38:30
>> um Olivia Dunn. Olivia Dunn seems like a
00:38:32
very nice, sweet young woman and she has
00:38:35
been very smart and clever and she she
00:38:37
was a really great gymnast or is with
00:38:41
leveraging that into a career. So, props
00:38:44
to her,
00:38:45
>> right? She gets millions to
00:38:48
do what she does. So,
00:38:49
>> Whoops. I mean, you know, the fact that
00:38:51
I look the way I look in a um in a
00:38:55
speedo
00:38:56
>> Yeah.
00:38:56
>> You know, Gervet said, "YEAH, WELL, YOUR
00:38:58
BODY YOU SHOULD BE ON BAYWATCH. YOU'D BE
00:39:00
A LITTLE BIT OLDER, but you still be
00:39:02
cut.
00:39:03
>> I will tell you that that
00:39:05
>> time that open casting call was a long
00:39:08
day for me and then I never got I never
00:39:10
heard anything from it.
00:39:11
>> Well, what's so funny is I'm doing the
00:39:13
craziest [ __ ] on one side and I see you
00:39:16
kind of like, okay,
00:39:18
>> I hear you doing curvets and I'm going
00:39:20
>> telling you to audition for
00:39:21
>> B. I can't see anymore. And you're like,
00:39:24
um,
00:39:25
>> I go, let me go over some documents
00:39:27
here.
00:39:28
I'm listening to you go
00:39:32
I can't I can't commit harder.
00:39:34
>> All right.
00:39:36
I was saying I added on an addendum that
00:39:38
I auditioned for Baywatch. I went to the
00:39:40
12-hour casting call on Santa Monica
00:39:43
Beach
00:39:44
>> and along with everyone else and I
00:39:45
didn't get even a call back.
00:39:47
>> Yeah. I was uh I I tested for sort of an
00:39:52
R-rated comedy called Bay [ __ ] and I
00:39:55
didn't get it.
00:39:56
>> Oh, that's too bad. I went in and I
00:39:59
said, they said, "Let's see you in your
00:40:00
speedo." I go, they go, "I see you have
00:40:03
a photo of you in your speedo and a
00:40:06
photo of you without your speedo." And I
00:40:09
go, "Yeah, that one's for you."
00:40:13
And they go, "It's not really what we're
00:40:15
looking for."
00:40:16
>> Yeah. I had kind of an oversized
00:40:19
speedo. It's called a slowdo. And it's
00:40:22
just a little roomier.
00:40:24
>> Yeah.
00:40:26
Keep some room so things can jostle.
00:40:35
Uh anyway, I want to be more insane and
00:40:38
have you look down. I go, I don't want
00:40:41
to wanna. And then you go, okay.
00:40:43
>> No, I was I'm sending you one of these
00:40:46
so you can gift me with this.
00:40:51
>> I like it.
00:40:53
I got to find another one.
00:40:55
>> It's $2 on Amazon.
00:40:58
>> All right,
00:40:59
>> that's $2 too many. Okay, let's go to
00:41:01
another story. Do we have any other
00:41:02
stories? We literally have one story.
00:41:06
>> Okay, I'm fine. Okay, standup comedian,
00:41:10
recently diagnosed with terminal cancer,
00:41:13
travels thousands of miles to try to
00:41:15
kill his ex-wife
00:41:17
as his last dying act. murders. Oh, he
00:41:22
did kill her. Oh, this is in Arizona.
00:41:27
>> No, Anchorage.
00:41:28
>> Stand up. Recently diagnosed with
00:41:30
terminal trials. Now, where does the
00:41:32
standup comedy part come in? I mean, how
00:41:34
>> it's not that funny. Um, I don't know,
00:41:36
but a standup comedian does this. Wow.
00:41:38
Gives It's giving us a bad name.
00:41:40
>> Before he headed out, he he uh headed up
00:41:44
uh he was headlining a comedy club. I
00:41:46
think it was in Tucson called the Slice
00:41:48
and Dish.
00:41:50
Okay, it's all I got.
00:41:59
>> Okay, that was a fun story. But, you
00:42:01
know, we we like toote comedians.
00:42:03
>> Yeah. Yeah. He's a He's a really good
00:42:04
comedian. He's got He's got a great
00:42:07
chunk.
00:42:08
>> Mhm.
00:42:09
>> Oh my god. This one's too bright. It's
00:42:12
too late now, but
00:42:13
>> hang on. This is what you did when you
00:42:15
walked into your Baywatch audition. They
00:42:17
go, "Are you excited to be here?
00:42:20
I guess so.
00:42:21
>> This is when you came in and your your
00:42:24
slowdo auditioning.
00:42:28
>> That was my
00:42:29
>> Oh, that almost sounds like the nurse.
00:42:32
I'm going to call the doctor.
00:42:38
>> Whoa.
00:42:39
>> This is more like the nurse.
00:42:45
>> This is our old show.
00:42:47
>> I'm so embarrassing. I'm sorry, folks.
00:42:49
We've been doing this a while. Uh,
00:42:51
sorry, we got a little silly. Uh,
00:42:52
>> no. Honestly, I got to take this.
00:42:57
>> Yeah.
00:42:58
>> Go for Dicky.
00:42:59
>> Well, I love the fake thing holding up.
00:43:02
>> That was a good be more like Yeah. And
00:43:04
you go like this. Hello.
00:43:07
>> Okay, let's do another one.
00:43:09
>> All right.
00:43:14
>> Oh.
00:43:15
>> Oh, this is Wendy's. Oh, because you
00:43:17
know what? But we didn't get to it last
00:43:18
week, but I said I've been into Wendy's
00:43:21
and when they do this, let's check your
00:43:23
eyesight, Dana.
00:43:25
>> They're looking for a chief tasting
00:43:27
officer about the role.
00:43:29
>> Okay.
00:43:29
>> Chief tasting officer. Wendy's.
00:43:33
>> 100 grand a year.
00:43:35
>> 100 grand. I could have read that.
00:43:38
Light. Oh, yeah. I can read it now.
00:43:40
Remote locations. Light mostly to your
00:43:42
local Wendy's and a human mouth. The
00:43:45
pulse, opinions, creativity, taste.
00:43:47
That's the credentials.
00:43:49
>> Job type, dream.
00:43:50
>> And then is this real?
00:43:53
>> Yes, it is. Do you hate your job? I
00:43:55
think it's Wendy's being like
00:43:57
getting younger people by talking like
00:44:00
directly and funny about a real job,
00:44:03
>> right?
00:44:03
>> You want the vibes. You want to come in
00:44:05
here. You want to kick back. You don't
00:44:07
want anyone busting your
00:44:08
>> ball. We're fun.
00:44:10
>> Yeah, that's a fun ad for a job at
00:44:13
Wendy's. I have not gone into Wendy's in
00:44:16
a while, but I've maybe been into
00:44:17
Wendy's 3,000 times in my life.
00:44:19
>> I have been a taste tester. I'd like to
00:44:21
reenact that right now. I've been taste
00:44:23
tester at a hamburger joint. I won't say
00:44:25
which one. Wendy's. Anyway, so it's
00:44:27
like, "All right, let me have that.
00:44:28
Thank you." Okay, this is a double
00:44:30
cheeseburger. Okay, here we go. With a
00:44:33
special sauce. All right.
00:44:41
>> Yeah.
00:44:46
I got Okay, now I want to see you eating
00:44:51
it. I want to see you. You'd be good at
00:44:53
this.
00:44:53
>> Uh try our new try our new deluxe uh
00:44:57
spade burger. Go ahead. Let me see you m
00:44:59
that out and then I'll give you a
00:45:01
review.
00:45:01
>> Here we go.
00:45:03
>> Napkin.
00:45:04
>> Okay. Napkin. Get the burger. Bite.
00:45:06
>> Here's me not liking it, but acting like
00:45:08
I like it.
00:45:09
>> Okay.
00:45:23
It's good. It's really uh I didn't know
00:45:26
there'd be a dog tooth in it, but I
00:45:29
don't I don't hate it. I think it's
00:45:31
good.
00:45:35
>> Well, that was making me laugh because
00:45:37
it it was so serious. Yeah. Let me take
00:45:40
that.
00:45:41
cuz all the bosses were looking.
00:45:50
Find it.
00:45:52
We don't know which way you're going
00:45:53
with it yet.
00:46:00
>> Oh, good.
00:46:04
>> He's giving a okay sign.
00:46:06
>> And scene.
00:46:07
>> Here's another one. Ready?
00:46:08
>> Oh, no. There's a faster version.
00:46:10
>> Okay.
00:46:16
>> I I'm putting it in the napkin because I
00:46:18
love it so much. I'm going to eat it
00:46:19
again later.
00:46:20
>> Yeah. Here's another one.
00:46:25
>> I guarantee we say that we don't even
00:46:26
know what we're going to do. We just say
00:46:27
it.
00:46:30
>> God,
00:46:31
>> he's holding his nose.
00:46:35
>> Oh.
00:46:36
>> Oh, the taste tester. Oh.
00:46:39
Oh,
00:46:40
>> are you barfing because you like it too
00:46:42
much?
00:46:43
>> I don't know.
00:46:45
>> No, I'm trying to cover for you in front
00:46:47
of the boss.
00:46:49
>> Oh, yeah. [ __ ] Why you get all the good
00:46:51
ones? That's a good one.
00:46:53
Thank you.
00:46:59
We've heard it. Give us something new.
00:47:02
Okay, here's
00:47:07
>> You like that one?
00:47:08
>> Uhhuh.
00:47:10
>> I do like that one.
00:47:11
>> Yeah, that's cute.
00:47:12
>> That would be Yeah, that's your review.
00:47:14
>> Okay, let's do another one.
00:47:15
>> That's the hamburger. Okay,
00:47:16
>> we'll get the F.
00:47:17
>> Here we go. All right, here it is.
00:47:20
Here's our final clip.
00:47:22
>> Oh,
00:47:24
oh. Oh, funny. Have we never shown this?
00:47:27
>> I don't think we did. This This keeps
00:47:29
popping up my Instagram. The facts of
00:47:31
life. If I don't like the word failed is
00:47:32
a little strong. Big Apple Blues did not
00:47:35
get picked up. I think it aired but
00:47:37
didn't get picked up. I think
00:47:39
>> Facts of Life episode Big Apple Blues.
00:47:41
You play the love interest in it and
00:47:44
you're like a you're 12 here or
00:47:46
something.
00:47:47
>> Go to the next one.
00:47:48
>> You're Miami Vice.
00:47:49
>> Oh no. You can't see me in this one.
00:47:51
>> Oh, we can't. Can it frame
00:47:53
>> the muscles?
00:47:54
>> Can they Aren't we seeing a video? No.
00:47:57
>> No. No, I guess they're photos, but this
00:48:00
right side is too big. The left side's
00:48:01
too small. I don't care about the
00:48:03
writing.
00:48:04
>> Yeah.
00:48:04
>> Um, that's 2D on the left.
00:48:07
>> And that you can see part of your head
00:48:08
and elbow.
00:48:09
>> Oh, I'm ripped, dude. I'm in a muscle
00:48:11
shirt. My pants are unbuttoned for some
00:48:13
reason.
00:48:14
>> But,
00:48:14
>> well, this is a
00:48:16
I was a comedian in it, but I was not.
00:48:19
Grio, who spun off and did Booker right
00:48:22
after this, big star. I
00:48:25
>> I am a doctor. um, scrub tech, but I'm
00:48:28
in med school. And in the pilot,
00:48:32
I I already take Mindy out and I go I
00:48:34
start crying. I'm like, "Sarge, I lost a
00:48:37
patient." I like, "Someone dies. Why am
00:48:40
I in charge of anyone that would die?"
00:48:42
>> Mhm.
00:48:43
>> I'm like 26, you know, 24. The episode,
00:48:47
this is the by line, introduced new
00:48:50
characters played by David Spade, who
00:48:52
portrayed a sarcastic
00:48:54
aspiring comedian named Scott.
00:48:57
>> I don't think I was a comedian.
00:48:58
>> No, they always say that.
00:49:00
>> Grio, who blew up on a rocket ship right
00:49:02
after this on his own TV show.
00:49:05
>> Well, they should next week. Let's get
00:49:07
because Meg Ryan played my girlfriend
00:49:10
for a few episodes. One of the boys
00:49:12
1981. Yeah.
00:49:15
>> Yeah. They used to work with me. Let's
00:49:16
Let's do it. This will be full circle
00:49:18
moment.
00:49:19
>> Me, this is really cool. Me's really
00:49:21
cool, man. You ever see Harry?
00:49:24
>> Oh, boy. You dropping. That's what the
00:49:26
people want to hear.
00:49:28
>> Oh,
00:49:28
>> I want to hear about stars.
00:49:30
>> Stars. Well, I've sold my Mickey Rooney
00:49:32
ones with Nathan.
00:49:34
>> Dana has met every star in the book.
00:49:37
>> Well, I did re You know what? SNL 130
00:49:40
episodes. Whoops. Maybe 140. Excuse me.
00:49:44
So, you meet you meet 140 stars. I met
00:49:47
Robert Mitchum. This is for the boomers.
00:49:49
Charlton H. Not met, work with them.
00:49:52
>> Yeah.
00:49:52
>> It's an amazing part of being on
00:49:54
Saturday live
00:49:55
>> and every band.
00:49:57
>> Every band, man.
00:49:58
>> Nirvana, Pearl Jam,
00:50:01
>> older ones, newer ones. Elvis Costello.
00:50:04
>> The What was the one I did where you you
00:50:07
were my writer? Whoops.
00:50:09
>> Hosted. It was the MTV
00:50:11
>> Oh, the MTV VMAs. Yeah.
00:50:12
>> Yeah. And that was with Nirvana and
00:50:14
stuff like that. I mean, I was I was a
00:50:16
bit of a dick. I'd go in the writer's
00:50:18
room. Guys, come on. Let's go. Let's Oh,
00:50:21
there he is. Jeez. You look You look
00:50:23
really built up. Is that
00:50:25
>> Why are my pants unbuttoned?
00:50:27
>> Why are your That says This is AI. AI
00:50:30
gave you giant arms and and pulled your
00:50:33
zipper down. Right.
00:50:34
>> Why is Tooty looking at you like that?
00:50:36
>> I might have been bricked up. So, I said
00:50:38
I need to give it some a breathing room.
00:50:39
>> You were never that bricked up. Now my
00:50:43
wiener like I was like I give it the
00:50:45
Levi five button stress test. Uh she's
00:50:48
looking at me like
00:50:49
>> well maybe it's
00:50:49
>> why are your pants off?
00:50:53
>> Bob Dubac used to do that. The guy who
00:50:55
was our landlord basically a comedian
00:50:57
Bob Dubac who's who's out with uh he's
00:51:00
got a oneman show uh Jesus uh doing
00:51:03
standup. That's really funny.
00:51:06
>> Dubac. I haven't seen him in a while.
00:51:08
>> Yeah. Yeah. He's out there. He's
00:51:10
definitely good-looking and
00:51:12
>> he's funny. He's got this really fun
00:51:13
guy. I like him.
00:51:15
>> Yeah, he's great.
00:51:16
>> All right, let's wrap it up. Dana, we've
00:51:18
done too much. Too much
00:51:21
you tank top just because the angle you
00:51:23
look so built up.
00:51:24
>> I was I used to do be able to do 13
00:51:26
pull-ups.
00:51:27
>> Seriously? Okay.
00:51:29
>> I used to be strong, dude.
00:51:30
>> Well, the only thing I can say now is
00:51:32
Well, what happened?
00:51:33
>> Yeah. What happened?
00:51:35
>> Where's the deflate noise?
00:51:39
Whoops. Oh boy. Look. Are you taking off
00:51:41
your coat, sir?
00:51:43
>> Yeah. Right at the end. Well, I was
00:51:45
>> like this.
00:51:46
>> This is
00:51:49
>> I just bought these on Amazon for $2.
00:51:52
But
00:51:52
>> aren't you Aren't you hot? That's a good
00:51:54
shirt.
00:51:55
>> Can you see what it says, though?
00:51:58
>> I don't I can't.
00:52:00
>> I like straight. What does it say,
00:52:02
Heather?
00:52:03
>> It doesn't say anything, does it?
00:52:04
>> No, it's it's right there.
00:52:07
I can't see.
00:52:08
>> Your laptop camera ain't a gun.
00:52:10
>> Your grainy 8 mm.
00:52:13
>> Hey, that's that's 1080p. You're in 9K.
00:52:17
No,
00:52:17
>> you're a 9K loser.
00:52:19
>> 1080p. Don't be jealous.
00:52:22
>> [ __ ]
00:52:24
>> Um, this is from the Gap. And if Gap
00:52:27
>> fallen,
00:52:28
>> if you would like to become a sponsor on
00:52:31
this podcast,
00:52:33
>> I have a great old Gap shirt from
00:52:36
literally easily 25.
00:52:39
>> I like it cuz it's basic. I like basic.
00:52:41
>> That's a cool one. Yeah, it's got a
00:52:42
little stripes so it gives you a little
00:52:43
something something but like it. I've
00:52:46
got a green one as well. Hold on.
00:52:48
>> I would be hot with that coat on though.
00:52:50
>> No, not not this room.
00:52:52
>> People are like, "Is this over?" I mean,
00:52:55
it's we would say the same if it was
00:52:57
over. So, we should finish.
00:52:59
>> Well, unless
00:53:00
>> you want to show Oh. Oh, this is an
00:53:02
unboxing, Heather.
00:53:04
>> Oh.
00:53:05
>> Oh, that one I can read the gap.
00:53:07
>> Yeah.
00:53:08
>> Love it.
00:53:08
>> So,
00:53:09
>> that's a good green.
00:53:10
>> Anyway, but yeah. So, I put I make this
00:53:13
room very cold when I come in here. It's
00:53:16
called air conditioning.
00:53:17
>> Do you know what we used to say on Gap
00:53:19
girls? Welcome to the Gap. Can I sell
00:53:21
you some crap?
00:53:23
Gap Girls was legendary. Could Could I
00:53:26
just get a little bit of your character?
00:53:27
What was her name? Meg. Just do it for a
00:53:30
second.
00:53:31
>> Just do it for a second.
00:53:35
>> Um, my boyfriend last night, he's always
00:53:39
telling me I look like I just slept on
00:53:41
my face.
00:53:42
>> That's what That's what Sandler says.
00:53:44
Why do you even go out with him? He
00:53:45
says, "You look like you slept on your
00:53:46
face." I go, he's really honest. He's a
00:53:48
cancer.
00:53:51
>> It was you. I make excuses. Right.
00:53:54
>> Farley. Yeah. Farley was our manager.
00:53:56
>> But uh she was Cindy. And then
00:54:00
>> Schneider worked at the doughnut hut
00:54:02
next door.
00:54:03
>> Schneider donut hut.
00:54:05
>> And I said and he came in with Sarah
00:54:07
Gilbert. And I go, "Oh, but isn't the
00:54:08
doughnut hut sluts?"
00:54:12
>> Um I I don't
00:54:13
>> writing Emmy.
00:54:14
>> It's between dress and air. Um I don't
00:54:17
know if you need the donut hole slots.
00:54:19
It's It's a little bit weighty. What?
00:54:23
It's funny. Arthur,
00:54:27
>> it's all I got. Give it to me. I don't
00:54:29
have any other lines. He goes, Schneider
00:54:32
walks in. He goes, "We're in the food
00:54:33
court." And he goes, "Oh, it's the Gap
00:54:35
girls and they're eating again. What a
00:54:36
surprise."
00:54:41
All right. I don't want to give the
00:54:42
whole thing away.
00:54:42
>> Give it all away.
00:54:43
>> All right. Thanks, Dana.
00:54:48
Hey guys, if you're loving this podcast,
00:54:50
which you are, be sure to click follow
00:54:52
on your favorite podcast app. Give us a
00:54:55
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00:54:57
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00:54:59
a friend. If you're watching this
00:55:00
episode on YouTube, please subscribe.
00:55:02
We're on video now.
00:55:04
>> Fly on the Wall is presented by Odyssey,
00:55:06
an executive produced by Dana Carvey and
00:55:08
David Spade, Heather Santoro, and Greg
00:55:11
Holtzman, Mattie Sprung Kaiser, and Leah
00:55:14
Reese Dennis of Odyssey. Our senior
00:55:16
producer is Greg Holtzman and the show
00:55:17
is produced and edited by Phil Sweet
00:55:21
Tech. Booking by Cultivated
00:55:22
Entertainment.
00:55:23
>> Special thanks to Patrick Fogerty, Evan
00:55:26
Cox, Mora Curran, Melissa Wester,
00:55:30
Hillary Schuff, Eric Donnelly, Colin
00:55:34
Gainner, Shan Cherry, Kurt Courtourtney,
00:55:37
and Lauren Vieiraa. Reach out with us
00:55:39
any questions to be asked and answered
00:55:41
on the show. You can email us at
00:55:43
flyinthewala.com.
00:55:46
That's audacy.com.
