00:00:00
Tell us about Kelsey before December 9,
00:00:02
2019. Just a a girl that loves the
00:00:04
outdoors. A farm girl.
00:00:06
>> Yeah. Ended up getting a job on a boat.
00:00:07
5 years in one day. What do you do when
00:00:09
you're looking at the thing that's going
00:00:10
to kill you statistically? The slowest 2
00:00:12
minutes of my life.
00:00:14
>> Do things just go dark immediately or
00:00:16
you're conscious the whole time?
00:00:17
>> Yeah. Yeah. You got to laugh through it.
00:00:19
I've cried enough about it. Got to get
00:00:20
some laughs out of it.
00:00:21
>> Being called brave or courageous or
00:00:24
inspirational.
00:00:25
>> I'm just trying to survive, man. First
00:00:27
10 days I was in ICU and for those 10
00:00:30
days they wouldn't tell my family
00:00:32
whether they thought I was going to
00:00:33
survive. I had 45% of my body burnt. Um
00:00:36
yeah, trauma would do that to you I
00:00:38
suppose.
00:00:39
>> Runners only with Dom Harvey and Kelsey
00:00:42
Waghorn. Good day Kelsey.
00:00:44
>> Hello. How is it?
00:00:45
>> Good. Um do I start singing the Metro
00:00:47
Station song? It feels like every time
00:00:51
Do you hear that a lot? That must have
00:00:52
haunted you through your teenage years.
00:00:54
Yeah, in high school I used to get it
00:00:55
quite a lot [laughter] which was quite
00:00:56
funny. But um yeah, I had a friend who
00:00:58
used to sing it to me all the time and
00:01:00
yeah um he actually died in while I was
00:01:03
in high school and so every time I hear
00:01:04
that song I think of him which is kind
00:01:06
of nice in a way I suppose.
00:01:08
>> A yeah.
00:01:09
>> Oh what a down buzz to start with.
00:01:11
>> Yeah. Sorry but [laughter]
00:01:12
>> yeah yeah. Um how are you? Thank you for
00:01:14
coming on my podcast. Really appreciate
00:01:15
it. It's great to meet you in person. I
00:01:17
feel like I know you uh through
00:01:18
following your um Instagram channel for
00:01:21
the last few years.
00:01:22
>> Yeah. Um, it's taken quite a bit to get
00:01:24
used to cuz people come up and ask me
00:01:26
specific questions and it's like I'm
00:01:29
racking my brain like, "Who are you? Who
00:01:31
are you? Oh my god, I've forgotten who
00:01:32
you are." And then it's like, "Oh yeah,
00:01:34
I follow you on Instagram." You're like,
00:01:35
"I don't know you." [laughter] So, it is
00:01:37
a bit weird like Yeah. people know a lot
00:01:40
more about me than I remember. I've told
00:01:42
people.
00:01:42
>> Yeah. So, tell us about um Kelsey before
00:01:46
December 9, 2019.
00:01:49
>> Um,
00:01:50
>> who who who was she? just from what I
00:01:52
can see on Instagram, um just a a girl
00:01:54
that loves the outdoors, um a farm girl,
00:01:58
um just a girl that appreciate
00:01:59
appreciates nature and uh just getting
00:02:01
the most out of life.
00:02:02
>> Yeah. Yeah. Mostly just that. I um did
00:02:05
marine science when I was at school in
00:02:07
uni. And so um yeah, ended up getting a
00:02:10
job on a boat cuz that's what I wanted
00:02:12
to do. I just wanted to be on the sea
00:02:13
and uh nailed that. got a job on a boat
00:02:17
um and worked on those boats for yeah
00:02:20
five years in one day and it turned out
00:02:23
to be one day too long. [laughter]
00:02:26
>> Yeah. And how was your uh mental health
00:02:29
prior to the uh December 9?
00:02:31
>> Good.
00:02:32
>> You get through life pretty good.
00:02:33
>> Yeah, it was fairly
00:02:36
uneventful. Um I did have a couple of
00:02:39
things um happen which yeah upset the
00:02:42
apple cart a couple of times but um
00:02:45
nothing quite as monumental as yeah what
00:02:47
happened on December night.
00:02:49
>> Yeah. Nothing could be as monumental as
00:02:51
that. What what were they do you want to
00:02:52
get into them or not really?
00:02:53
>> Uh so one of them I was on a boat fire
00:02:56
uh or boat that caught fire um and so
00:02:59
that actually ended up burning to the
00:03:00
water line and sank. Um there were 60
00:03:03
people on board including the crew. Um
00:03:05
and I was the second to last off. Um and
00:03:09
then uh it was April before the
00:03:13
eruption. Uh I had a passenger fall on
00:03:18
another island um not island and um he
00:03:21
actually ended up dying unfortunately.
00:03:23
So um
00:03:24
>> a passenger had a fall.
00:03:25
>> Yeah. Off um Whale Island.
00:03:28
>> So um yeah that's more in Shore than
00:03:30
White Island. So yeah, that happened
00:03:32
April before the eruption. Um, but other
00:03:34
than that, I hadn't really had anything
00:03:38
too major or exciting happen.
00:03:42
>> Exciting is an interesting word. Um,
00:03:44
that's a hell of a story. For the first
00:03:46
time ever on my podcast, I even got a
00:03:47
box of um tissues. I thought that'd be
00:03:50
that'd be um necessary. Do you maybe for
00:03:52
me more than you,
00:03:54
>> how like how's your emotional state?
00:03:55
Like do you I mean I I really appreciate
00:03:58
you coming around here today and um like
00:04:00
revisiting this cuz I'm sure every time
00:04:02
you do it uh you have to brace yourself
00:04:04
cuz it's not an easy thing to talk
00:04:05
about.
00:04:06
>> Um
00:04:06
>> or is it can you sort of just get
00:04:08
through it on autopilot?
00:04:10
>> Yeah, it's a bit weird like I
00:04:13
probably shouldn't be able to talk about
00:04:15
it. Um cuz yeah, usually um like with
00:04:19
PTSD people can't really talk about
00:04:21
their trauma which is totally fair
00:04:23
enough. Um, I am lucky that I can talk
00:04:26
about it with kind of little to no
00:04:28
emotion. Um, there's sort of
00:04:30
>> quite a bit of humor.
00:04:32
>> Oh, yeah. A lot of dark humor.
00:04:33
[laughter]
00:04:34
>> Yeah. Yeah.
00:04:34
>> So, yeah, I do have to kind of keep that
00:04:36
quite tame cuz, um, obviously I'm not
00:04:38
the only one involved in this, so I
00:04:39
would hate to upset anyone or someone
00:04:41
take offense to something I've said. So,
00:04:43
I do have to kind of censor my humor uh
00:04:45
online. Um, which is quite funny. It's
00:04:48
[laughter] um cuz there's a lot of um
00:04:49
yeah, pretty dark humor in my sort of
00:04:51
private chats with my friends and
00:04:52
family, but yeah, I try to tame it a
00:04:54
little bit um publicly, I suppose.
00:04:57
>> Yeah. Well, there's a couple
00:04:58
[clears throat] of other people I've had
00:04:59
on the podcast. Um there's a guy, Joseph
00:05:01
Sullivan, who's um an Olympic gold
00:05:03
medalist, an America's Cup winner, now
00:05:05
is a firefighter, and he said they get
00:05:07
by with black humor.
00:05:09
>> So, on their way home from events,
00:05:11
they'll you make jokes about it.
00:05:14
Another guy I had on the podcast is um
00:05:16
Billy Evans who's the former police
00:05:18
commissioner of Boston and he was there
00:05:19
when the bombing went off.
00:05:20
>> Yeah.
00:05:20
>> And he said often after after like um
00:05:22
you know murder or tragedy um you know
00:05:25
you cops will be seen like laughing at
00:05:27
the scene and members of the public will
00:05:28
be like you what the [ __ ] are they
00:05:29
laughing about? It's inappropriate. But
00:05:30
he said that's just a common coping
00:05:32
mechanism.
00:05:33
>> Yeah. Yeah. So, um that definitely got
00:05:35
me through um not the sort of early
00:05:38
hours cuz there wasn't a lot to laugh at
00:05:40
in those um first few hours of um after
00:05:43
the eruption happening, but um yeah,
00:05:45
definitely hospital that got me through
00:05:47
a lot of um pretty [ __ ] times. And um
00:05:50
yeah, even still still make a lot of
00:05:52
jokes about just anything and
00:05:56
everything. Nothing's um sort of I guess
00:05:58
off topic um in my family especially. So
00:06:02
yeah, it's um yeah, quite funny having
00:06:05
to sort of sense myself out in public
00:06:07
cuz yeah, I would I'd hate for someone
00:06:09
to take offense to it or think that I'm
00:06:11
being insensitive, but then it's kind of
00:06:13
like it's yours your life.
00:06:14
>> I'm involved in it as well. So it's not
00:06:16
like I'm just like yeah, being a dick. I
00:06:18
just that's how I deal with it. It's
00:06:20
just you got to laugh through it. I've
00:06:21
cried enough about it. Got to get some
00:06:23
laughs out of it.
00:06:24
>> Where where does that come come from? Is
00:06:25
that in your DNA or is it just like how
00:06:27
you were raised with your family?
00:06:29
>> Um pro. Yeah, definitely both. Um,
00:06:33
yeah, and I like to have a laugh. So,
00:06:36
yeah, I think it's just, yeah, it's been
00:06:38
ingrained into me from day dot, I think.
00:06:40
>> So, you're still the the you're still
00:06:42
the same person?
00:06:43
>> Yeah. Yeah.
00:06:44
>> Yeah.
00:06:45
>> Yeah. I guess, yeah, I I was probably
00:06:48
more extroverted beforehand and I'm
00:06:50
probably a bit more introverted now. Um,
00:06:53
yeah, trauma would do that to you, I
00:06:55
suppose. [laughter]
00:06:56
Changes you a little bit. But, um, yeah,
00:06:58
I guess still at heart, still the same
00:07:00
person, still find the same things
00:07:01
funny, still get the same joy out of all
00:07:03
the things I used to love, still want to
00:07:05
be on the sea, still want to be outside,
00:07:06
all that kind of stuff. Yeah.
00:07:08
>> Yeah. Oh, you got such a good attitude.
00:07:10
Is is there any there any words that you
00:07:12
hate? Like um being called brave or
00:07:14
courageous or inspirational?
00:07:17
>> Yeah. Oh, I don't hate them. I guess
00:07:19
it's just a bit hard like um like a few
00:07:22
of my friends who know the like all the
00:07:24
nitty-g gritties about what happened. Um
00:07:26
there's a couple of them which always
00:07:28
say like like use the word hero and then
00:07:31
I get people being like you're so
00:07:32
positive um and you're so yeah
00:07:36
inspirational and stuff and it's like
00:07:38
I'm just trying to [ __ ] survive man.
00:07:39
Like I'm [laughter] not trying to be any
00:07:41
of these things. I'm just trying to like
00:07:42
stay alive and it seems to be quite hard
00:07:44
for me. So, um or not, I suppose cuz
00:07:47
yeah, I keep kind of dodging bullets
00:07:49
which left, right, and center. So,
00:07:51
>> yeah, there's this running joke in my
00:07:53
family now where it's like um if the
00:07:54
apocalypse happens, it's going to be me
00:07:56
and the cockroaches. [laughter]
00:07:59
>> So, I don't know if that's a good or a
00:08:00
bad thing.
00:08:03
>> How long was it after the um after the
00:08:06
um the explosion on White Island that
00:08:07
your family could see you in hospital
00:08:09
and make jokes? Did they sort of wait
00:08:10
for you to make the jokes before they
00:08:12
started? Um well for the first um I
00:08:15
think it was 10 days I was in ICU and
00:08:17
for those 10 days they wouldn't tell my
00:08:20
family whether they thought I was going
00:08:21
to survive or not. Um cuz obviously you
00:08:23
don't want to give false hope in those
00:08:24
sorts of situations cuz so much can go
00:08:26
wrong with burns. Um and those early
00:08:29
days and those real sort of um acute
00:08:31
moments like yeah they didn't want to
00:08:33
give my family false hope cuz it was it
00:08:35
was pretty grim. Um so for the first 10
00:08:38
days there's definitely not a lot of
00:08:40
joking. Um, even if there was, I
00:08:42
couldn't tell you what was going on cuz
00:08:43
I was so high on drugs. I didn't know
00:08:45
what was real and what wasn't. I was
00:08:47
seeing a lot of stuff and I remember a
00:08:48
lot of stuff from ICU, but none of it's
00:08:50
real. [laughter]
00:08:51
>> Wow.
00:08:52
>> So, that's very weird.
00:08:53
>> Just the morphine.
00:08:54
>> Yeah. Just Yeah. Hell a lot of Oh,
00:08:56
ketamine. I think a lot of it was. So,
00:08:58
um, now even when I have surgeries, I'm
00:08:59
like, don't give me ketamine.
00:09:01
>> Ketamine. But hospital grade, not
00:09:02
festival grade.
00:09:03
>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, it was like
00:09:05
the good stuff. But
00:09:06
>> the really good stuff.
00:09:07
>> Yeah. But yeah, I was seeing some wacky
00:09:08
[ __ ] And Yeah. So now every time I have
00:09:10
a surgery I'm like don't give me
00:09:11
ketamine unless I need it. And they're
00:09:13
just like okay.
00:09:14
>> Wow. Yeah. Yeah. I want to get into
00:09:16
that. We'll get into that in due course.
00:09:17
Just because it seems astonishing to me
00:09:19
that you can be um you know coherent and
00:09:22
conscious all the way through the
00:09:24
90-minute boat ride and through the
00:09:26
explosion, see your family, recognize
00:09:28
your family, um to then being in a
00:09:30
situation for the next couple of weeks
00:09:31
where it's touch and go. So I want to
00:09:33
get into that. I'm sure you've learned a
00:09:34
lot about Burns over the last um you few
00:09:37
years, but um first of all, have you
00:09:41
seen the Netflix movie?
00:09:42
>> Mhm.
00:09:43
>> Yeah.
00:09:43
>> Yep. Yep, I have.
00:09:45
>> Tell me about that watching experience.
00:09:47
>> Um
00:09:47
>> did you watch it when it first came out
00:09:48
or did they send you like an advanced
00:09:49
copy or
00:09:50
>> They sent me an advanced copy cuz I kind
00:09:53
um I like I've said to you like with all
00:09:57
the um court cases and stuff like I'm
00:10:00
just trying to protect my own skin. Um,
00:10:03
so I do like to be able to see it ahead
00:10:05
of time so that if there's anything in
00:10:06
there I'm like, "Oh, that could be
00:10:07
misconstrued or taken the wrong way and
00:10:10
um I guess yeah, be used against me or
00:10:12
one of my colleagues um I do ask if I
00:10:16
can see it so that if there's any
00:10:17
changes I would like made to clear
00:10:19
things up then um yeah, I do that." So
00:10:22
they did that for me which was really
00:10:24
cool.
00:10:24
>> Um
00:10:25
>> yeah, and so did um [sighs and gasps]
00:10:29
>> I can't remember the name of it now. the
00:10:30
one that I did in the first year for I
00:10:32
think it was TV3,
00:10:34
>> right?
00:10:35
>> I can't remember now.
00:10:36
>> Yeah. Um
00:10:38
>> yeah, knowing that you were coming
00:10:40
around today, I watched that a couple of
00:10:41
nights ago.
00:10:42
>> Um just me sitting here. I've been to W
00:10:45
Island before many, many years ago, but
00:10:47
I've got no other connection to it
00:10:48
really, and it was a hard watch for me.
00:10:50
>> So I can't I I can't imagine you what
00:10:53
it's like watching it when you're
00:10:54
involved with it and this is your
00:10:55
reality now.
00:10:56
>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Who Who do you who do
00:10:59
you sit down and watch it with?
00:11:00
>> Uh I'm really naughty and I do it on my
00:11:03
own. [laughter]
00:11:05
>> I'm one of those people. I'm like if I'm
00:11:06
going to be triggered, if I'm going to
00:11:08
cry, I'm going to do it in the privacy
00:11:09
of my own room where no one can watch
00:11:10
me. So I
00:11:11
>> [ __ ] you're a tough cookie, aren't you?
00:11:13
I sort of imagine
00:11:14
>> or I'm just a [ __ ]
00:11:15
>> I'm just [laughter] I'm just a stubborn
00:11:17
[ __ ] really. Um
00:11:18
>> I think I think you're just made from
00:11:20
some tough stuff.
00:11:21
>> I just Yeah. I don't know.
00:11:23
>> Right. Is it So is is it a hard watch
00:11:25
for you? Um, I guess I don't know. I I
00:11:29
don't really remember it now. I've only
00:11:30
watched it once and I kind of keep
00:11:32
saying cuz like people ask like, "What
00:11:34
do you think of the Netflix
00:11:34
documentary?" I'm like, "Oh, I couldn't
00:11:36
remember. It was fine." Um, but I guess
00:11:39
the whole way through it, I was um more
00:11:42
critiquing what was fact and what wasn't
00:11:45
the whole way through it. So, it was
00:11:46
just like I guess I probably wasn't
00:11:48
really paying attention to the whole
00:11:51
thing. It was like, "Yep, that fact's
00:11:53
correct. That's correct. Yep, that's
00:11:55
correct." like just kind of fact
00:11:57
checking the whole way through it. Um,
00:11:59
but there is one bit of footage in there
00:12:00
which kind of took me by surprise and
00:12:01
it's um from from my group from one of
00:12:04
the girls in my group and um I think I
00:12:08
might be wrong so hopefully I'm not
00:12:09
wrong but um she basically as we went to
00:12:13
run um for cover she put her phone in
00:12:16
her pocket and accidentally hit record
00:12:17
and so the whole thing is recorded and
00:12:20
um they put the first little bit of that
00:12:23
in there and I've been like specifically
00:12:25
told by the police don't watch that
00:12:27
piece of footage. footage because it's
00:12:29
pretty horrible. Like you can't see
00:12:31
anything but you can hear everything,
00:12:32
which obviously is not great. Um, and I
00:12:35
get triggered really bad with noises and
00:12:37
audio. And so that came up and I
00:12:39
instantly knew what it was. And I was
00:12:41
just like, "Oh my god, oh my god." And I
00:12:43
just was like, "Do I shut the computer?
00:12:44
Do I block my ears?" And so I kind of
00:12:46
didn't focus for probably the next
00:12:47
couple of minutes. And thankfully I
00:12:49
didn't put all the really nasty stuff
00:12:51
in, which is really, really good. Um,
00:12:53
>> what's what I I mean, you may not even
00:12:55
know what the real nasty stuff is. What?
00:12:57
like screaming or
00:12:59
>> Yeah.
00:12:59
>> Yeah. So, the whole the whole I think
00:13:01
there's about 20 minutes of footage of
00:13:03
the whole thing.
00:13:04
>> Um and you can just hear everything and
00:13:06
me yelling at my group. Um but yeah, so
00:13:09
[clears throat]
00:13:10
>> yeah, you you say yelling at your group,
00:13:12
but you um you still had your like your
00:13:14
work hat on.
00:13:14
>> Yeah, I was working which is which is
00:13:17
[ __ ] astonishing to me because I
00:13:19
suppose there's there's there's two
00:13:20
types of people and you don't know if
00:13:22
you're going to be a fight or flight
00:13:23
person until you're in that situation.
00:13:25
But the fact that you were like um
00:13:28
worrying about your group and not
00:13:29
thinking about self-preservation.
00:13:31
[ __ ] I mean, does does that make you
00:13:34
proud of yourself? Makes me proud of
00:13:36
you.
00:13:37
>> Um I don't know. Like
00:13:39
>> it's it's incredible. It's incredible. I
00:13:41
guess
00:13:41
>> you're in the same position as all these
00:13:42
other people that you don't know from a
00:13:44
bar. So
00:13:45
>> yeah. Yeah. I um I have a friend who um
00:13:49
she's adamant that she wants to tell the
00:13:51
world like what I did and um she keeps
00:13:54
Yeah. like I said, saying the h word
00:13:56
hero and stuff and it's just like it I
00:13:59
don't know. It just it feels weird. It's
00:14:00
just I don't know. I I did what I
00:14:04
thought anyone else would do and just
00:14:06
reacted to the situation as fast as I
00:14:09
could and
00:14:11
I don't know. It Yeah, it is what it is
00:14:13
for me and it's not something that I
00:14:16
brag about or talk about or
00:14:18
>> even think about.
00:14:20
>> Yeah. Yeah. It's just it just is what it
00:14:22
is. And I kind of just Yeah. I don't
00:14:25
know. I don't I don't know. It just
00:14:28
feels weird to talk about and it just
00:14:29
feels weird for people to be like, "Why
00:14:31
don't you tell people this?" And it's
00:14:33
just like why would I why would I walk
00:14:35
around being like, "Hey, look, this is
00:14:37
what I did." And it's just like it's
00:14:38
just weird.
00:14:40
>> I don't know. It just feels like I'm
00:14:41
tooting my own horn and it's just it's
00:14:42
wrong. And
00:14:43
>> and I mean like so many people did so
00:14:45
much that day. Like people did way more
00:14:47
than what I did. Um, and yeah, like I
00:14:50
mean the pilots that went in there when
00:14:52
everyone was saying it's too dangerous
00:14:53
and they were just like and just went on
00:14:55
the island. Um, like I mean they're my
00:14:58
heroes like they didn't bring me home,
00:14:59
but [ __ ] I'm so grateful for them. Um,
00:15:03
yeah. And like obviously the skippers of
00:15:04
my um company who came back for us. Um,
00:15:08
yeah, they are the ones that I would
00:15:11
Yeah. hold up a flag for them any day.
00:15:14
>> Yeah.
00:15:15
>> Yeah. Well, I think Yeah, I think it's
00:15:18
heroic. [laughter]
00:15:20
>> Thank you.
00:15:20
>> So, you your your Instagram it's it's
00:15:23
amazing because you're you're quite a
00:15:24
regular um poster on Instagram.
00:15:26
>> Oh, am I?
00:15:27
>> I think so. Yeah. Um and you scroll back
00:15:30
and it's um I I feel like it gives an
00:15:32
interesting insight into um you the
00:15:34
person you are, the person you were and
00:15:36
the person you are now. And there's not
00:15:38
a lot of difference between the two.
00:15:39
There's still that black humor there. Um
00:15:41
you still seem to love the outdoors,
00:15:43
love the fresh air, love animals. Yeah.
00:15:46
>> Um, but if you go back to October 2019,
00:15:49
um, on your Instagram, there's a photo
00:15:51
of White Island with Steam coming out
00:15:53
and the caption, "Not bad. Good."
00:15:56
>> Yeah.
00:15:57
>> Which is It's great.
00:15:58
>> Yeah.
00:15:59
>> It's great. So, um, then there's an
00:16:01
appreciation post in late November 2019
00:16:03
for your dog. You say, "So much love for
00:16:05
this little punk."
00:16:06
>> Yeah.
00:16:06
>> And then, um, then there's sort of radio
00:16:08
silence on Instagram until, um, late
00:16:10
January 2020 from hospital. It's just a
00:16:13
a random photo of a landscape um with a
00:16:15
caption thanking people. Can I can I
00:16:17
read some of this out?
00:16:18
>> Okay.
00:16:18
>> Yeah.
00:16:19
>> Is this for you tissues? [laughter]
00:16:22
>> Again, I think the tissues are for me
00:16:23
rather than you. Um thank you doesn't
00:16:26
seem like a big enough word to my family
00:16:27
and partner who have been by my side
00:16:28
from day one through the low lows to the
00:16:31
baby's first step highs. You've been
00:16:34
through hell with me and I'm lost for
00:16:36
words into how to thank you all. I just
00:16:38
keep pushing forward and hope that I
00:16:39
will do uh do that for you now. Can't
00:16:42
wait to be home. Yeah. Which again, I
00:16:46
think it says a lot about you. It's not
00:16:47
a post saying, "Hey guys, I'm here. I'm
00:16:50
fine." It's you again thinking about
00:16:52
other people. [laughter]
00:16:55
>> Yeah. I don't know. It I Yeah. Again,
00:16:57
it's not something I ever put thought to
00:16:59
or it was just like I was in this
00:17:03
situation. I was in hospital. When was
00:17:05
that? January something.
00:17:07
>> Yeah. Yeah, that was um late January.
00:17:09
Yeah. So like a month a month and a bit
00:17:10
afterwards.
00:17:11
>> Yeah. So maybe 6 weeks after end of
00:17:13
January I would have been close to
00:17:14
moving up to W Cuttle Hospital cuz
00:17:17
that's my regional burns unit um from
00:17:21
Hut Hospital where I was originally
00:17:23
taken. Um I was just grateful to
00:17:26
everyone who'd looked after me. like my
00:17:29
family were like holding the gas when um
00:17:33
my whenever I had to have like my sheets
00:17:35
changed or dressings changed um in my
00:17:38
bed and it was just like I think that
00:17:40
scarred them for life like they were
00:17:42
having to hold this gas and I was on
00:17:44
like eight different types of pain
00:17:45
medication just to change the sheets on
00:17:47
my bed cuz I was just in so much pain.
00:17:50
>> Why is that? Because you your skin
00:17:52
sticks to the sheets and they have to
00:17:53
sort of peel you off or what do you
00:17:54
mean? So [sighs]
00:17:56
um I was lucky that half of my grafting
00:18:00
was done while I was in ICU and in the
00:18:03
coma. So my arms and hands were done
00:18:06
early on. So the pain I was in in ICU. I
00:18:10
kind of I remember being really
00:18:11
uncomfortable um and not being able to
00:18:13
move, but I don't really remember it.
00:18:16
But I remember my legs being done
00:18:17
because my legs were done at the end of
00:18:19
December and I was on the ward. Um
00:18:21
they'd reduced my medication um which is
00:18:24
hotly debated in my family as whether
00:18:26
that was the right [laughter] thing to
00:18:27
do. Um and then um yeah, so that that
00:18:31
was done on um quite low medication. And
00:18:34
so when I came out of um surgery for the
00:18:37
grafting um I was in absolute agony.
00:18:41
Like they just put skin taken skin off
00:18:43
my back, my butt and my thighs and just
00:18:45
stuck it to my legs. And
00:18:48
I think they only did my legs then and
00:18:49
just touched up a few things on my hands
00:18:51
and stuff like that. Um and like they
00:18:54
staple it on. It's not it's not like
00:18:56
always glue or stitches. It's staples.
00:18:58
And so like I could see staples sticking
00:19:00
out the top of my like bandages and I
00:19:03
had them like around my shoulder where I
00:19:04
could see them and it was just like the
00:19:06
weirdest thing and I just felt like
00:19:07
Frankenstein's monster. Um but like so
00:19:11
where they took all the skin from so my
00:19:12
entire backside was just a raw open
00:19:16
wound. And so it was like yeah just
00:19:18
being this massive graze just in
00:19:20
covering my entire back. And so every
00:19:22
time like um I would need to go to the
00:19:25
bathroom or um yeah need my sheets
00:19:28
changed but I wasn't due to go to
00:19:30
theater um they would have to roll me in
00:19:32
bed to basically roll the sheets up on
00:19:36
one side, roll me over the lump of
00:19:38
sheets and then roll the rest up and
00:19:39
pull it out and then do it all again to
00:19:41
unroll fresh sheets. So, um, if you can
00:19:44
imagine that on entirely open wounds and
00:19:47
then it's like when people are trying to
00:19:49
grab you and it's like they can't grab
00:19:51
your arms cuz they've just been grafted
00:19:52
2 weeks ago. Can't grab your legs cuz
00:19:54
they were grafted a week ago. Can't
00:19:56
touch your entire back site cuz that's
00:19:58
all open wound. It's like so really
00:20:00
they've got like not much to hold on to.
00:20:02
So, it was kind of just like we're going
00:20:04
to grab all your saw bits and you're
00:20:05
just going to have to like it and lump
00:20:07
it basically. It was just like we're
00:20:08
going to get this done and it was just
00:20:09
like all right. And it was horrific
00:20:12
every time. And yeah, my family would
00:20:13
hold the gas in my mouth while I would
00:20:15
roll me and I'd just be like staring at
00:20:17
them just like make this stop. So just
00:20:20
like pleading with them and just
00:20:21
screaming at them. And so like nurses
00:20:24
were leaving crying and it was just it
00:20:26
was traumatic for everyone. So I was
00:20:29
just so grateful that my family was
00:20:31
there every single day. Every single
00:20:33
day. Um from like before opening like
00:20:36
before they would let visitors in, they
00:20:38
were like banging on the door to come
00:20:39
in. um until like 11:00 at night and
00:20:42
they would basically just sleep on the
00:20:44
floor in my room and just like in this
00:20:46
hideous um armchair and they were just
00:20:49
there all the time. So I was just so
00:20:50
grateful for them. And then obviously
00:20:52
the nurses had just yeah gone above and
00:20:55
beyond to yeah save our lives and keep
00:20:58
us as comfortable as possible and yeah
00:21:00
they're just yeah I owe them my life. So
00:21:02
I was just really grateful.
00:21:04
>> Yeah. Oh that's really nice. And then um
00:21:07
so so we'll go right back. What are your
00:21:10
what are your memories of that day? It
00:21:11
was a [ __ ] day on the water, right?
00:21:13
>> Was it was it a real bumpy day?
00:21:14
>> No, [laughter]
00:21:15
>> I know on the on the Netflix movie they
00:21:17
talk about everyone being seasick.
00:21:19
>> Yeah, like
00:21:19
>> have you just got a strong
00:21:21
>> I I don't remember the last time I was
00:21:22
seasick. Um and I' I've been out in some
00:21:25
pretty big seas. So, I mean I say it was
00:21:27
a rough
00:21:28
>> It was a rough day for the tourists, but
00:21:29
>> it was wind chop.
00:21:30
>> Okay. [laughter]
00:21:31
>> Um
00:21:32
>> but yeah, I mean it it probably looked
00:21:34
worse than what it was. But the boat we
00:21:36
had um it was a brand new boat. Um it
00:21:39
had only been in operation since April.
00:21:41
That boat was notorious for making
00:21:44
people sick. Like it made crew sick.
00:21:45
There was a couple of days I remember
00:21:47
where I was the only crew member working
00:21:49
and everyone else was vomiting and it
00:21:51
was like me versus 30 people vomiting
00:21:53
and it was like this is the best.
00:21:55
>> Oh my god.
00:21:56
>> So um yeah, it was it wasn't a rough
00:21:59
rough day. It was just Yeah, it was
00:22:01
bumpy, but it just seemed to set people
00:22:03
off.
00:22:04
>> And And the You were experienced like
00:22:06
you you must have loved this job cuz you
00:22:07
had it for like 5 years, you said. Um,
00:22:10
so there's no way
00:22:12
like there's there's no sort of inkling
00:22:14
or anything that anything was wrong or
00:22:15
untowards or out of the ordinary.
00:22:17
>> No, it was a level two, but it had been
00:22:18
a level two before and nothing had ever
00:22:22
happened. And
00:22:23
>> although that that um that scale thing
00:22:25
seems seems really weird. So level one
00:22:27
sweet as level two should be should be
00:22:30
right. Level three no good. Is that
00:22:32
pretty much it?
00:22:32
>> It's um
00:22:34
>> that's a threepoint scale.
00:22:36
>> It's so it's five point scale. I don't
00:22:38
know if it's changed since but um cuz
00:22:40
obviously I don't need to check that
00:22:42
now. Um
00:22:43
>> so level one was minor volcanic unrest.
00:22:47
Level two Oh, I'm really wrecking my
00:22:49
brain now. Um, level two was moderate to
00:22:53
heightened unrest, which is where it
00:22:55
was. Um, and then level three, four, and
00:22:58
five are different levels of eruption.
00:23:00
And so, level three is basically the
00:23:03
material thrown out in the eruption
00:23:05
stays sort of within the inner crater.
00:23:07
Level four is sort of on White Island
00:23:11
and kind of around the around the island
00:23:13
itself. Five is leaving the island
00:23:15
basically, so hitting the sea and going
00:23:18
wherever it wants. Um, I actually don't
00:23:21
know what level that was because
00:23:25
>> technically I think most of it stayed in
00:23:27
the inner crater which indicates to me
00:23:28
that that was a level three. So like the
00:23:31
smallest level of eruption. Um,
00:23:35
>> yeah.
00:23:35
>> Right. So so the issue was like where
00:23:37
you guys were at the time of the
00:23:38
eruption
00:23:38
>> which was in the crater,
00:23:39
>> right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So So when when
00:23:42
did I mean do you has your brain sort of
00:23:44
blocked it out or do you remember? No.
00:23:46
>> No. No. So when did you realize, oh
00:23:47
[ __ ] this is this is not good?
00:23:49
>> Immediately.
00:23:50
>> Yeah. Really?
00:23:50
>> Yeah. Yeah. So I was
00:23:51
>> So there's no no warning at all.
00:23:53
Nothing.
00:23:53
>> There was no noise. There was no noise.
00:23:55
Like there was no like you think like
00:23:57
you watch movies of I don't know.
00:23:58
There's all sorts of volcanic movies,
00:24:00
but I haven't seen any of them. Um but
00:24:02
>> And why would you now?
00:24:03
>> Yeah. I mean I probably don't need to
00:24:05
see that now. Um I Yeah. I mean you
00:24:08
think of a volcanic eruption, you think
00:24:10
like sonic boom material, I suppose, and
00:24:12
like it just like shakes you to the
00:24:14
bones. like if we hadn't turned around,
00:24:17
we probably never would have saw it
00:24:18
coming. So, we were just lucky that some
00:24:20
of the passengers um and I think my
00:24:22
backup guide, they um happened to turn
00:24:26
around and we're just all going, "Wow,
00:24:27
look at that." Taking photos and then
00:24:29
when I turned around it was like,
00:24:31
"That's not normal." And so it was like,
00:24:34
"Let's go."
00:24:35
>> You you just So, they were they were in
00:24:37
awe of it. Um
00:24:38
>> Well, I mean, you don't know it's not
00:24:40
normal.
00:24:40
>> Yeah.
00:24:41
>> Cuz I mean, they've never been there
00:24:42
before. They might have just thought,
00:24:44
"Well, this is part of the show." Like,
00:24:45
>> "Yeah, we wouldn't be here if this was
00:24:47
unsafe."
00:24:47
>> Exactly. And like And yeah. So, I mean,
00:24:51
yeah, it's hard. It's cuz like I
00:24:53
understand the
00:24:56
Yeah. I don't know. It's just It's [ __ ]
00:24:58
being a survivor and a crew member cuz I
00:25:01
obviously have all the knowledge of the
00:25:03
crew member, but on the other hand, it's
00:25:05
like I was also there when it erupted.
00:25:06
So, it's like I never want that to
00:25:08
happen to anyone ever again. Um because
00:25:12
>> is that like a like survivor guilt in a
00:25:13
way, do you think?
00:25:14
>> Not survivor guilt. It's just a shitty
00:25:16
position to be in because um
00:25:18
>> like I I I knew obviously what could
00:25:22
happen. I talked about it every day for
00:25:24
5 years. I talked about eruptions and
00:25:28
like we probably make well we did we
00:25:30
made jokes like what happens if it
00:25:31
erupts? It's like well you just cross
00:25:34
your fingers and hope like hell it's not
00:25:36
pyrolastic flow and what did we have?
00:25:39
[laughter] And it was like as soon as I
00:25:40
saw that it was just like well that's
00:25:42
our goose cooked for lack of a better
00:25:45
word. It was just like well that's just
00:25:47
white flag moment. It was like I know
00:25:49
the odds of surviving that. So it was
00:25:50
like what do you do? What do you do when
00:25:53
you're looking at the thing that's going
00:25:54
to kill you statistically?
00:25:58
>> And and then then how quickly does
00:26:00
everything happen? Do things just go
00:26:01
dark immediately or
00:26:03
>> um it was so it's really weird. I in my
00:26:07
head the whole thing the whole I guess
00:26:12
in an island experience um it took about
00:26:15
10 minutes in my head it was less than
00:26:17
two so it was very very quick which is
00:26:22
good in a way um cuz obviously that's 2
00:26:24
minutes and then it was done but um
00:26:27
yeah it yeah it was just it was the
00:26:31
slowest 2 minutes of my life. Oh, I can
00:26:34
only imagine. And and you you're you're
00:26:36
conscious the whole time.
00:26:37
>> Yeah. Yeah, I was.
00:26:38
>> But you're in you're in excruciating
00:26:40
pain or you your body flips into some
00:26:43
sort of adrenaline mode or what?
00:26:44
>> Oh, there's only so much adrenaline can
00:26:46
[laughter] do
00:26:47
>> when it's when it's most of your body.
00:26:48
Um yeah, there's only so much adrenaline
00:26:50
can do. So, um yeah, like I remember it
00:26:53
all. And um yeah, I remember I remember
00:26:55
my the feeling of my arms. I don't
00:26:58
remember my legs. And so I remember when
00:26:59
I woke up in hospital and was lucid um I
00:27:04
was surprised that my legs were burnt
00:27:06
and that they've been grafted and then I
00:27:08
was surprised again that the fact that
00:27:10
they look like salami but um yeah it was
00:27:13
a weird moment but um yeah
00:27:16
>> what were you wearing? So you had your
00:27:18
blue and white stripe
00:27:19
>> just t-shirt
00:27:20
>> work t-shirt t-shirt and shorts.
00:27:21
>> Yeah. And then I was wearing um hiking
00:27:23
boots. [snorts]
00:27:25
Yeah. So, um, anything that was exposed.
00:27:28
So, my arms t-shirt line to fingertips
00:27:32
um short line to boot line and then my
00:27:35
lower back got burnt cuz when I crouched
00:27:37
down um my bag made my shirt right up
00:27:41
and exposed my lower back. So, um it was
00:27:43
basically any skin that was exposed um
00:27:46
got burnt cuz it was all chemical burns.
00:27:50
[sighs]
00:27:50
>> So, so when it's going on like what what
00:27:52
are you doing? Are you like writhing
00:27:54
around in pain? Are you are you sort of
00:27:56
curled over in the fetal position?
00:27:58
>> Yeah, I I'd crouched down. Um I I didn't
00:28:02
move up until the last couple of seconds
00:28:04
cuz I kind of thought, well, there's no
00:28:06
point moving cuz I knew what was going
00:28:09
to happen, which didn't happen, which is
00:28:11
good. Um
00:28:12
>> what did you think was going to happen?
00:28:14
>> That we weren't going to make it out the
00:28:15
other side.
00:28:16
>> Okay.
00:28:16
>> Yeah. Um but yeah, so I remember it all.
00:28:19
But um yeah, unless you've had burns,
00:28:22
there's no point trying to describe it
00:28:23
cuz I'll never do it justice.
00:28:25
>> Well, all I can all I can think of is um
00:28:28
like having a steam burn on on the
00:28:30
inside of my hand from a pot, like a
00:28:31
tiny little thing like the size of a 50
00:28:33
cent coin.
00:28:34
>> And the pain's [ __ ] excruciating.
00:28:35
Yeah.
00:28:35
>> And there's nothing you can do to escape
00:28:37
it. And you put on, you put frozen peas
00:28:41
on it, you run under a tap, whatever,
00:28:43
nothing works. That's a tiny tiny tiny
00:28:45
fraction of the body.
00:28:46
>> Yeah,
00:28:47
>> I'm guessing it's like that even worse.
00:28:48
But just everywhere.
00:28:50
>> Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, I I had 45% of my
00:28:53
body burnt. Um Yeah. So, pretty much
00:28:57
almost all my legs and and pretty much
00:28:59
all my arms and then yeah, a little bit
00:29:01
of my lower back which wrap around to my
00:29:03
stomach as well. And then I had some um
00:29:07
what's the word I'm thinking of?
00:29:08
Cosmetic burns on my face and neck as
00:29:11
well, which um [clears throat] aren't as
00:29:13
obvious and didn't get grafted. So, I
00:29:15
was lucky there that I managed to
00:29:17
protect my face. Not that that's what I
00:29:19
was trying to do, but I just got lucky
00:29:21
and um because yeah, I just figured if I
00:29:24
had any chance of getting off the
00:29:25
island, it was I needed to be able to
00:29:26
see and I need to be able to breathe.
00:29:28
So, it was I had my sunglasses on and my
00:29:30
gas mask on which you could is actually
00:29:31
burnt into my face. Um and I just held
00:29:34
them to my face and so managed to yeah
00:29:36
save the skin on my face that way. Not
00:29:39
that that was my aim, but
00:29:40
>> yeah.
00:29:41
>> Lucky.
00:29:42
>> So, the so the the eruption passes in a
00:29:44
couple of minutes then it it becomes
00:29:46
clear again. Is that
00:29:48
>> Yeah. Yeah. And then it was quiet and
00:29:49
then so yeah it was like well it's now
00:29:52
or never we this is our opening cuz it
00:29:54
was kind of like well if it's going to
00:29:56
go again um
00:29:58
>> yeah we just have to run that risk cuz
00:29:59
either that will stay here.
00:30:01
>> Yeah.
00:30:01
>> So how many were were in your group? Cuz
00:30:04
there were 22 that died altogether.
00:30:06
>> 21.
00:30:08
I think it was 21
00:30:10
>> in your group.
00:30:10
>> Yeah. Including me and my backup guide.
00:30:14
>> And how many of you guys made it out?
00:30:18
Uh, oh god, I'm not good at math. Yeah,
00:30:21
>> I should work this out and remember this
00:30:23
number, but because I keep getting asked
00:30:24
it and I never know, but um I think most
00:30:29
>> I think most of my group survived other
00:30:31
than a few, but um
00:30:33
>> so just by sheer luck of where you were,
00:30:35
>> we yeah, we were in a way better spot
00:30:37
than um group two um the other group
00:30:40
which um yeah, only three survived from
00:30:43
um so we were in a better place. We had
00:30:45
more protection. Um
00:30:48
yeah, we we saw it earlier, I think, as
00:30:51
well.
00:30:52
>> So, so, so at that point, so the um
00:30:55
you're in agony, the explosion's come
00:30:57
and gone. You're like, "Okay, okay,
00:30:58
team, we've got to get the [ __ ] out of
00:30:59
here." Are you are you still in in work
00:31:02
mode at that point, or are you more sort
00:31:04
of self-preservation mode at that point?
00:31:07
>> Um
00:31:08
>> like, "Come on, guys. The boat's down
00:31:09
there. I'll see you down there."
00:31:11
>> Uh, [laughter] no. I um I stayed for I
00:31:15
think I I don't know how long like my
00:31:16
brain would say it was 5 minutes, but it
00:31:19
was probably 5 seconds. Um because yeah,
00:31:21
I guess I was it was I was running so
00:31:23
fast trying to get things trying to
00:31:26
figure out what was going on that um
00:31:28
yeah, my just so much was crammed into
00:31:31
such a small amount of time that time
00:31:33
feels longer for me.
00:31:35
>> Yeah. Um but yeah, I convinced my group
00:31:38
that they had to get up and then um
00:31:41
yeah, I just said follow me and just
00:31:43
basically walked back to the warf. Um
00:31:48
and one of our other boats came back for
00:31:50
us cuz the boat, which is lucky cuz the
00:31:52
boat that we came out on got hit. So
00:31:54
that was full of ash. Um so they
00:31:56
couldn't turn that on cuz if they turned
00:31:58
it on, it would have just sucked all the
00:31:59
ash straight into the engine and seized
00:32:01
it. So, um, yeah, we got back on the
00:32:04
other boat and went home on that.
00:32:08
>> That's remarkable.
00:32:11
How you, um, I mean, I'm sure it's only
00:32:14
going to be a matter of time, but I
00:32:16
mean, you deserve some sort of bravery
00:32:18
award. [laughter]
00:32:19
Like, you really do. Like, you you laugh
00:32:21
at it and you you'd never say it, but
00:32:22
you do.
00:32:24
>> I mean, yeah. I don't know. That's that
00:32:26
I don't know. I think I think you're
00:32:28
like you're downplaying the the way that
00:32:30
you acted in the situation. And um I'm
00:32:33
I'm telling you, not everyone would
00:32:34
acted the same way.
00:32:36
>> I mean, yeah. I guess you don't know
00:32:38
what you're going to do in that
00:32:39
situation until you're in the situation.
00:32:41
Like I've had people be like, "I'd never
00:32:43
I would never would have reacted like
00:32:44
that." So, we have no idea actually cuz
00:32:46
when it's when you're in it, you kind of
00:32:50
>> Yeah. You just act. You don't really
00:32:51
think. You just act and it's basically
00:32:53
right, what's my best option here? And
00:32:56
you just do that and you just hope for
00:32:57
the best.
00:32:58
>> Yeah.
00:32:59
>> So, um, what's the what like what's the
00:33:02
pain like at that point
00:33:03
>> when you when you do how far how's the
00:33:05
how far's the walk back to the back to
00:33:07
where you had to get on the boat? Like a
00:33:09
few hundred meters.
00:33:10
>> Yeah, maybe
00:33:12
150 200 m. Wasn't that far. We were on
00:33:15
our way back. So, we were halfway back.
00:33:17
>> Um, maybe just over halfway. So, and it
00:33:20
was more or less flat. Yeah. And yeah,
00:33:24
we went past the helicopter that made
00:33:25
all the headlines. The one that the only
00:33:28
helicopter to ever be left on my island.
00:33:30
So, um
00:33:31
>> that's the one that was sort of shaken
00:33:32
off the platform and was covered in
00:33:34
>> air. So, it was pushed off the platform.
00:33:36
Um I don't know what tonnage that is. I
00:33:38
don't think it's a very heavy one, but
00:33:40
um I mean a ton is heavy. So, um it got
00:33:44
shoved off. So, that's a pretty good
00:33:46
indication as to how um heavy and how
00:33:49
much power that um pylistic flow had.
00:33:52
So, um, yeah, we walk past that and, um,
00:33:55
yeah, down to the W.
00:33:57
>> And so, [clears throat] everyone gets
00:33:58
back on the boat and it's a boat ride
00:33:59
that you've done, you know, just about
00:34:01
every day for the last 5 years, so you
00:34:03
know, it's a [ __ ] long way.
00:34:05
>> Yeah.
00:34:05
>> Um, like how what is it, like 90 minutes
00:34:08
or something?
00:34:09
>> Uh, usually sort of just over an hour.
00:34:12
The boat that we were on um on the way
00:34:14
back Phoenix um usually could do it in
00:34:17
about an hour, 15, hour, 20 depending on
00:34:20
how full it was. Um, obviously it now
00:34:24
has two boatloads worth of people on it.
00:34:26
Well, one and a half. So, um, yeah, it
00:34:30
was pretty pretty heavy. So, um, it was,
00:34:32
yeah, running hot on the way home,
00:34:35
>> but you know, the captain's going to be
00:34:36
giving it death. But you also know it's
00:34:37
it's a [ __ ] long way back and it's a
00:34:39
long time.
00:34:40
>> Yeah, I think we did it in just over an
00:34:41
hour. I think he managed to get us home
00:34:44
in just over an hour which is amazing
00:34:46
cuz like you could hear the boat at its
00:34:48
absolute peak and I remember even
00:34:50
thinking it was like come on Phoenix,
00:34:52
come on Phoenix, keep it together and
00:34:53
apparently the captain was doing the
00:34:55
same thing. So that was um yeah but
00:34:58
yeah, managed to make it back with no
00:34:59
issues thankfully.
00:35:00
>> So So no boat issues.
00:35:02
>> Yes. So yeah. So what were you doing on
00:35:04
that boat ride? You just like just just
00:35:06
lying there in your own [ __ ] pain.
00:35:09
>> Is that it? weird.
00:35:10
>> I wasn't I don't remember um much going
00:35:12
on around me cuz I was kind of very
00:35:14
tunnel vision at that point. Um so yeah,
00:35:18
I was just I was sitting out the back
00:35:20
and maybe about halfway back. I just
00:35:23
remember being so cold. I was so so
00:35:26
cold. I don't know if that was shock or
00:35:29
the fact that I was wet and in the wind.
00:35:31
It could have been both. Um and I said
00:35:33
to the people that were putting water on
00:35:35
me and helping me, I just said, "I need
00:35:36
to get inside." And they were like, "You
00:35:38
can't walk on the boat while it's going
00:35:40
this fast." And I just said, "Fucking
00:35:42
watch me." And I got up and I couldn't
00:35:46
straighten my legs and I couldn't
00:35:47
straighten my arms. I was like this like
00:35:49
little bunched over T-Rex and the boat's
00:35:51
hoofing at home. And so managed to make
00:35:53
it in. I think I bounced off a few
00:35:55
things and um yeah, managed to make it
00:35:57
inside and sit down. It was like less
00:35:59
than out of the wind. But um yeah, that
00:36:01
was probably a hard few steps for me and
00:36:04
the poor people that I was talking to.
00:36:06
So, so, so the the the pain you're in
00:36:08
then
00:36:11
I I feel like if it was me, I'd pass out
00:36:12
or something from the from the pain or
00:36:14
discomfort I was in.
00:36:16
>> Like, how do you how do you remain
00:36:17
conscious through that?
00:36:19
>> I just did.
00:36:20
>> Yeah. [laughter]
00:36:21
>> I don't think I had much of a choice.
00:36:23
Um, I don't know. Maybe it's cuz I was
00:36:25
sitting up. Um, but yeah, I was
00:36:27
conscious the whole way home. Um,
00:36:30
yeah. So, I I never never
00:36:34
passed out. And and you think at that
00:36:36
point you're going to do do you feel
00:36:38
like this is the this is it? You're
00:36:40
going to die or you never feel
00:36:41
>> No, I didn't. I I had that on the island
00:36:44
when I saw the pyrostic flow, but I
00:36:46
think the fact that we'd made out the
00:36:48
other side, I was like, it's good. And
00:36:50
so I I never crossed my mind again. It
00:36:52
never crossed my mind that because even
00:36:55
though we were off the island, we still
00:36:56
weren't out of the woods. So, um, like,
00:36:59
and even still, I didn't really find out
00:37:02
about what had ended up happening, like
00:37:05
the loss of life and what had happened
00:37:07
when we left the island. Um, I never
00:37:10
found out about any of that until about
00:37:11
3 weeks later.
00:37:13
>> Um, and then it was like, cuz I was
00:37:15
like, well, I'm alive, so everyone's
00:37:17
alive. Cuz it was like, that makes
00:37:18
sense. That made sense in my little
00:37:20
brain.
00:37:21
>> Yeah, for sure.
00:37:21
>> Yeah. And cuz it was like, well, we
00:37:23
weren't supposed to make it, but we did
00:37:24
make I made it, so everyone's made it.
00:37:26
It's just I don't know why that logic
00:37:28
made sense to me, but it did. Um, so
00:37:31
that was pretty brutal having that rug
00:37:33
ripped out from underneath me that Yeah.
00:37:36
Yeah. that Yeah. Not everyone made it,
00:37:38
which Yeah. was horrible.
00:37:39
>> But um, so you're on the boat inspecting
00:37:41
yourself. You you realize it's not good.
00:37:44
>> Yeah. I I
00:37:45
>> Or did it look not so bad at the time
00:37:47
and got worse over time?
00:37:48
>> It didn't look good. [laughter]
00:37:50
>> Um, even on the island, it didn't look
00:37:52
good. light. And so that was what
00:37:53
seconds after the actual burning and it
00:37:55
was just kind of like um I heard one of
00:37:58
the girls describe it as basically like
00:38:00
the skin was just melting up was like
00:38:02
candle wax and I was like yeah that's
00:38:03
actually a pretty apt description um and
00:38:06
even the photos I've now got from
00:38:09
hospital um I think I had been debrided
00:38:12
so but you can see where all the skin
00:38:14
was just like coming off and it was just
00:38:16
here basically melting off. So that was
00:38:19
pretty Yeah, it was it was weird. I just
00:38:21
remember I remember my hands the most on
00:38:24
the way home. I just remember staring at
00:38:25
my hands being like, "What is happening?
00:38:27
This is weird." And like never really
00:38:29
occurring to me that it was burns. Never
00:38:32
really occurring to me that it was going
00:38:33
to require grafting. I probably never
00:38:35
heard of grafting now that I actually
00:38:37
think about it. Um yeah, it none of that
00:38:40
none of that was going on in my head at
00:38:42
that point. It was just like this is
00:38:45
weird. What is going on? It was just
00:38:47
like tunnel vision of just
00:38:48
>> a state of shock, eh?
00:38:50
kind of like coherent normal thoughts.
00:38:53
It was kind of just like what is going
00:38:55
on? Just a big kind of what the [ __ ]
00:38:58
>> Yeah. Yet on the the other hand, there
00:39:00
were those uh coherent and normal
00:39:02
thoughts like you being um putting on
00:39:04
your work hat when the explosion was
00:39:05
going on. And also when when you got
00:39:07
back to um the mainland um this was in
00:39:10
the Netflix documentary like you spot
00:39:12
your your mom. Yeah, my mom, my nana, my
00:39:16
sister, and apparently my uncle, and I
00:39:19
think my dad was there as well. But I
00:39:21
just remember seeing Yeah, my mom, my
00:39:22
nana, and my sister, and I was like
00:39:24
looking at my hands, looking at them. I
00:39:26
was like, I don't want them see me like
00:39:27
this cuz I was all melty and gross. So,
00:39:30
I was just like
00:39:31
>> melty and gross.
00:39:32
>> I was just like, I need to And I was in
00:39:33
so much pain. So, I was just like, I
00:39:35
don't No one wants their family to see
00:39:38
them in that position. So,
00:39:40
>> how far how far away were they? What are
00:39:42
you talking like? 20 m, 30 m.
00:39:44
>> Yeah, 20 m. Like, so they um if you ever
00:39:47
come to Fakatani Wolf, um I can show
00:39:49
you.
00:39:50
>> So, they were um on the grass of the
00:39:51
playground, I think. And um we pulled in
00:39:54
to where the way station is. So, as we
00:39:56
were kind of coming in quite fast, um I
00:39:59
spotted them as we went past and it was
00:40:01
just like, "Oo, I got to get off this
00:40:02
boat quick and get out of um yeah, out
00:40:05
of where they can see me." Um,
00:40:08
unbeknownst to me, um, a couple of the
00:40:10
cops actually knew me, um, from school
00:40:13
and uni and through my sister who's a
00:40:15
friends with them, and they saw me go
00:40:18
into this ambulance, and they went and
00:40:19
told them, they're like, "She's in an
00:40:20
ambulance on the way to hospital." And
00:40:21
they were like, "What?" So, um, yeah,
00:40:24
that all moved pretty quickly. And then
00:40:26
from there, it gets pretty hazy cuz they
00:40:29
as soon as we got there, they were
00:40:30
loading us up on basically anything they
00:40:33
could to try and help with the pain.
00:40:36
>> Yeah. Yeah. So, I I can understand you
00:40:39
not wanting to and I I I get you weren't
00:40:42
thinking coherently at the time, but I
00:40:43
can understand you didn't didn't want
00:40:44
your parents um your family to see you
00:40:47
in this um in the state. But then like
00:40:49
giving them the thumbs up or a wave
00:40:50
would indicate that you're okay, which
00:40:52
would have been
00:40:53
>> would have been nice for them, but it
00:40:55
was just like [laughter] there was no
00:40:56
doing thumbs up that day that not that
00:40:58
afternoon. And it was not a thumbs up
00:41:00
moment. So, it was just like it would
00:41:01
have been like no. [laughter]
00:41:03
>> Okay.
00:41:04
>> Um Yeah. No, it was just like, "Nah, get
00:41:06
out of here. Just go." And so, yeah, to
00:41:08
I went off the front of the boat, which
00:41:10
meant going up and over the rail and up
00:41:12
onto the warf. So, um, my friend's dad
00:41:16
had got on the boat and, um, I was like,
00:41:18
"Get me off this boat." And I just like
00:41:19
took off and they were like, "Um, okay."
00:41:21
And so, they ended up just Yeah. shoving
00:41:23
me off the boat. And so, um, yeah. And
00:41:25
then got me in an ambulance.
00:41:27
>> But again, still thinking about still
00:41:29
thinking about the concerns of others.
00:41:31
>> Yeah.
00:41:32
>> Yeah. which is really really I mean it
00:41:34
yeah you you need to give yourself more
00:41:36
credit than what you do for these
00:41:38
things.
00:41:38
>> I think I'm just stubborn. [laughter]
00:41:40
>> Yeah.
00:41:41
>> Well, good stubborn then. Good stubborn.
00:41:43
So I know some stubborn people who are
00:41:44
complete pains in the ass. Um but that's
00:41:46
a very unselfish um stubbornness. So
00:41:49
this is the thing that I don't I don't
00:41:51
understand and maybe you don't
00:41:52
understand it or yeah maybe you do have
00:41:54
more understanding now about burns and
00:41:55
how they work but I don't understand how
00:41:58
this can happen to you. You're on a boat
00:41:59
for an hour. um you walk off the boat,
00:42:02
you get taken to hospital and then for
00:42:03
the next couple of weeks there's there's
00:42:05
a chance you might live or die. Your
00:42:06
life is in the balance. You you think if
00:42:08
you can survive the explosion and you're
00:42:09
on the boat for that long that you're
00:42:11
going to be sweet as.
00:42:12
>> Yeah. Um Yeah. And so that was kind of
00:42:15
my thought as well. And those Yeah. As
00:42:17
soon as the pyrostic flow was gone, I
00:42:18
was like, I'm alive. Let's go. So, um it
00:42:21
never really crossed my head again that
00:42:26
Yeah. that it could still get worse. It
00:42:30
never that never crossed my um my brain.
00:42:32
It was just like we're out of here. So
00:42:35
that's that's it. We're we're good. Um
00:42:39
but with burns um because of
00:42:43
cuz I mean skin's your biggest organ.
00:42:45
Skin is well and truly your biggest
00:42:47
organ. And so it is like it
00:42:49
thermorreulates and like keeps your body
00:42:52
the right temperature. Um it stops
00:42:53
infection and bugs and all the [ __ ]
00:42:56
getting into your body. Um it does all
00:42:58
the things like it sweats and like Yeah.
00:43:00
So it does all that. Um and so when like
00:43:05
for me 45% of that is now damaged and to
00:43:09
the point where it's not just my skin
00:43:11
that was damaged, it was even below
00:43:12
that. So into the muscle like fascia is
00:43:15
gone like there's bits of muscle being
00:43:18
removed like things like that. So it
00:43:19
means um that skin's gone. Um, so
00:43:24
infection can get in. All of a sudden,
00:43:26
45% of my body doesn't regulate
00:43:28
temperature anymore. So I was always
00:43:30
really really hot. Like I just remember
00:43:31
in hospital I was so hot all the time.
00:43:34
>> Theaters were kept at about 39°
00:43:38
to keep you warm because um you can't
00:43:41
regulate your temperature. So they wheel
00:43:42
me into theater. I was like, "What the
00:43:44
[ __ ] Why am I at a sauna? This is like
00:43:47
torture." Like
00:43:48
>> I suppose cuz you're you're burning up.
00:43:50
Like if you anyone that's had sunstroke
00:43:51
will know
00:43:52
>> like the last thing you want to do the
00:43:53
next day is be in direct sunlight
00:43:55
because
00:43:55
>> Yeah. Yeah. And like um once Yeah. Once
00:43:58
the skin's obviously all the burnt skin
00:44:00
has been removed you're just literally
00:44:03
like it's just down to the muscle like
00:44:05
all your muscles exposed. So then
00:44:07
obviously the risk of infection is
00:44:09
massive. And then you have the donor
00:44:11
site which they then remove as well. So
00:44:13
that's my entire back. So now you're
00:44:15
thinking legs are open, arms are open,
00:44:17
back is open. So that's like over well
00:44:20
and truly over 50% of my body is
00:44:22
currently not functioning. My biggest
00:44:24
organ is currently not functioning. And
00:44:26
then I did get infections. I got um a
00:44:29
couple of infections. Um one of them I
00:44:31
got in my donor site and um they had to
00:44:34
graph my legs cuz the cadaavver skin I
00:44:36
had on my legs um only lasts about 14
00:44:39
days. So they had to take that off which
00:44:41
means they had to graph me or get more
00:44:42
cadaavver skin. And
00:44:45
>> consider that that's skin from like a a
00:44:46
recently deceased person or
00:44:48
>> so organ donors you have to specify that
00:44:50
you want um skin donated as well which
00:44:54
definitely do that cuz obviously that's
00:44:56
massive. People don't think about this
00:44:57
kind of [ __ ]
00:44:59
>> Organ donor and you think organ donor
00:45:01
it's all affecting
00:45:02
>> kidney, heart, eyes, whatever.
00:45:05
>> Um it actually doesn't include skin. So
00:45:08
you actually have to make a specific
00:45:10
point like include my skin. My skin is
00:45:12
an organ. take my skin cuz I mean you
00:45:14
don't need it when you're dead.
00:45:16
>> Like don't be selfish. Don't take it.
00:45:19
Don't take it with you. Leave it behind.
00:45:22
>> Yeah. What's it going to do in that?
00:45:23
>> Give it a second life. Reduce, reuse,
00:45:24
recycle. Come on. Um.
00:45:26
>> Wow.
00:45:27
>> And so like I got I got couple of
00:45:30
infections um to the point where I know
00:45:31
that one of the antibiotics I was on,
00:45:33
they were drip feeding it to me. And it
00:45:35
was like I don't know. It was like so
00:45:38
toxic that basically it was getting like
00:45:40
a little drop every like 15 minutes or
00:45:42
half an hour. Otherwise if they gave it
00:45:43
to me all at once it would kill me. And
00:45:45
it was like rad. I want that on my body.
00:45:47
So um like the massive risk of
00:45:50
infection. Um and then obviously
00:45:52
thermorreulation I could overheat or I
00:45:54
could totally cool down and just drop
00:45:57
dead. So like there's so many things
00:45:59
that can go wrong with burns and um ICU
00:46:02
those first 10 days. It wasn't until
00:46:05
they kind of got to that 10day mark and
00:46:07
they managed to sit me up on the side of
00:46:08
the bed which was horrible. Um, and
00:46:12
>> was it why just the pain of sitting up?
00:46:14
>> When you've been lying down for 10 days
00:46:16
and you've not really moved yourself in
00:46:18
10 days, it's like I've had like you
00:46:20
lose so much muscle mass so fast if
00:46:24
you're not moving. If you're not using
00:46:25
it, you literally lose it. So, um, 10
00:46:27
days of not moving um, and not using my
00:46:30
muscles. Like I was being moved in
00:46:31
theater. I had a physio who would come
00:46:33
into theater and while I was knocked out
00:46:35
would be in there like stretching
00:46:36
everything and bending everything. Um
00:46:39
and then yeah so basically then they sat
00:46:42
me out before I left was allowed to
00:46:43
leave ICU and it was horrible. I still
00:46:45
remember it now and I was still like
00:46:47
seeing double and um didn't know where I
00:46:50
was and it was just like this woman who'
00:46:52
just kidnapped me. She hadn't actually
00:46:54
she was a nurse um was trying to make me
00:46:56
sit up on the side of the bed and it was
00:46:57
just like insult to injury. It's like
00:46:58
you've just kidnapped me now you're
00:47:00
making me sit up. It was just like this
00:47:01
is not fair. Um yeah, and then it was
00:47:05
just like got up on the ward and then um
00:47:07
yeah, still had issues with um
00:47:12
uh infection and then there was a day
00:47:16
where
00:47:18
a day um it was not long after my legs
00:47:20
got done where the graphs didn't look
00:47:21
like they're actually going to take and
00:47:23
I was in so much pain. I don't actually
00:47:25
remember anyone telling me that that's
00:47:26
what the surgeon has said after that
00:47:27
dressing change. Um they basically just
00:47:30
everyone looked pretty depressed and it
00:47:33
was like we're gonna have to do this
00:47:34
again.
00:47:36
>> So it meant waiting for my back and
00:47:39
everything to heal enough to take it
00:47:41
again for the third time. And I was an
00:47:43
Aggy. I was like I'm not doing this
00:47:44
again. It was like but you need skin. So
00:47:45
I was like you need to do it again.
00:47:47
>> But thankfully they did take so I didn't
00:47:49
have to do that again.
00:47:50
>> So there's the um cadaavver skin
00:47:52
cadaavver
00:47:53
>> cadaavver
00:47:53
>> cadaavver skin that you talk about and
00:47:55
also the um skin graft from your own
00:47:57
body. Where did they take that from?
00:47:58
your back.
00:47:59
>> Uh yeah. So it I was lucky they lucky um
00:48:03
they took it from my back, my butt, and
00:48:05
my thighs. So if I was wearing shorts,
00:48:06
it just looks like I've been attacked
00:48:07
with a cheese slice, basically. One of
00:48:09
those ones where you can get the slices
00:48:11
>> still.
00:48:12
>> Yeah, you can still see the scars. My
00:48:14
back's red. Well, it's not red now. It's
00:48:17
kind of pink, but it's definitely a
00:48:19
different color to the rest of my normal
00:48:20
skin. [sighs and gasps]
00:48:22
>> Wow. So how many how many surgeries all
00:48:24
up?
00:48:28
17.
00:48:31
I think it's 17. Wow.
00:48:33
>> Um, which I think Yeah, it's it's number
00:48:35
17 or 18 this year. So, I'm waiting on
00:48:38
one more um for Yeah. this year, which
00:48:41
will be number 17 or 18, I think.
00:48:44
>> All right.
00:48:45
>> Yeah.
00:48:45
>> So, so then um so it's like 2 weeks
00:48:48
after the eruption where you sort of
00:48:50
come out of the coma or regain sort of
00:48:53
consciousness. So I was in a coma for 5
00:48:55
days but in ICU for 10 up. Yeah.
00:48:59
>> So half of my time in ICU was conscious
00:49:02
and the other half not so much.
00:49:04
>> So what are your earliest sort of
00:49:05
coherent memories of sort of coming out
00:49:07
of the mist? I guess
00:49:08
>> I remember coming out of the coma. Um
00:49:12
and
00:49:13
it's from what my parents have told me
00:49:16
cuz they were there in the morning and
00:49:17
they were like we're going to wake her
00:49:18
up today. And everyone was like yes y
00:49:20
can talk to Kelsey. Um, and the doctor
00:49:24
came in, I don't know how they do it, so
00:49:26
I'm probably going to get this bit
00:49:27
wrong, but basically adjusted the meds
00:49:29
or whatever to wake me up. And he was
00:49:30
like, "It should take about 20 minutes.
00:49:32
Um, I'll come back in about 20 minutes
00:49:34
and um, we can go from there."
00:49:37
>> Left to go see the other patients cuz
00:49:39
obviously I'm not the only one in the
00:49:40
hospital. Um, literally as soon as he
00:49:43
left, I woke up and everyone was like,
00:49:47
"Get the doctor cuz I'm gagging cuz I've
00:49:49
got tubes down my throat and I can't
00:49:52
move." And so I'm getting really
00:49:53
stressed cuz it's like it felt like
00:49:55
being just like pinned to the bed and
00:49:58
something's in my throat and it was like
00:50:00
I can't breathe. I was like my eyes were
00:50:01
like this and so I couldn't see. Um, I
00:50:04
didn't know what was going on. I could
00:50:05
hear my dad's voice. Um, I remember my
00:50:07
dad's voice. My mom was there as well.
00:50:09
But um it got I got so stressed. Mom
00:50:13
actually had to leave because she just
00:50:14
couldn't handle it, which is fair. Um
00:50:17
and dad
00:50:17
>> Oh, it's so distressing. I mean, your
00:50:19
daughter's in this um discomfort and
00:50:21
there's nothing you can do.
00:50:22
>> Exactly. And I can't find the doctor.
00:50:23
Doctor's somehow vanished off the face
00:50:26
of the planet. Dad's trying to calm me
00:50:28
down. I remember him talking to me. Um
00:50:30
and he's trying to tell me to calm down
00:50:32
and just breathe slowly like you're
00:50:33
fine. And I'm going there's something in
00:50:35
my throat. And it was just like this is
00:50:37
not fine.
00:50:38
>> [laughter]
00:50:38
>> And so, um, yeah, I remember that very,
00:50:41
very clearly. I couldn't see anything
00:50:43
cuz it was just like my eyes either had
00:50:45
something in them or just cuz I've been
00:50:48
in a coma, I was on so much drugs, they
00:50:50
just, yeah, were in different
00:50:51
directions. And there was this orange
00:50:53
haze. I remember this orange haze and
00:50:55
thinking I was in a tent. And I remember
00:50:56
thinking that's not very hygienic. From
00:50:58
the last time I saw my body, I was like,
00:51:00
"This isn't very hygienic. This is not a
00:51:01
good place to be." And now I'm like
00:51:03
choking. So, it was like this is great.
00:51:05
This is a good way. But I didn't realize
00:51:07
I'd been in a coma either. I just
00:51:08
thought I had a little nap and then all
00:51:10
of a sudden was waking up to all this
00:51:12
random [ __ ] and it was like what is
00:51:14
happening?
00:51:15
>> Yeah. I suppose you lose complete um
00:51:17
sense or perspective of time.
00:51:19
>> Yeah. Cuz it's it's not like I mean you
00:51:21
go to sleep and you wake up it's like
00:51:23
whether it's been 5 minutes or 5 days
00:51:25
kind of doesn't register at that point.
00:51:27
Um Yeah. Yeah. And so eventually the
00:51:29
doctor came back cuz they have to make
00:51:31
sure that you are
00:51:33
>> properly waking up and properly going to
00:51:35
wake up cuz otherwise they have to
00:51:37
reinvate you while you're awake which
00:51:40
>> as you can imagine probably not very
00:51:41
comfortable. So they did the doctor
00:51:43
that's why he
00:51:45
>> the tubes weren't allowed to be just
00:51:46
pulled out. It was like I had to be
00:51:48
totally awake before they were going to
00:51:49
pull those out. Um so that they didn't
00:51:51
have to put them back in and put me back
00:51:53
under.
00:51:53
>> Yeah. So, so those those early
00:51:55
conversations, do you remember much
00:51:56
about them? Like like what do you did
00:51:58
you have a million questions or were you
00:51:59
just sort of numb?
00:52:00
>> I remembered it all. Um the doctors were
00:52:02
like she probably won't remember um it's
00:52:04
got to be about like 50 first dates
00:52:06
which is why they didn't tell me the
00:52:08
extent of what had happened for 3 weeks
00:52:10
cuz they would probably have to tell me
00:52:12
every day. And I mean mom and dad were
00:52:15
still getting to grips with what had
00:52:16
happened. And
00:52:17
>> um people were still dying in other
00:52:18
hospitals. um all that [ __ ] was still
00:52:21
happening back home with trying to get
00:52:23
the other people off the island and all
00:52:25
the other stuff. So
00:52:26
>> um they were like, "We're not doing that
00:52:28
for us and for her. That's just not
00:52:30
right." So um they Yeah. didn't tell me,
00:52:32
which was the right thing to do. It
00:52:34
definitely was. Um
00:52:35
>> they just mean didn't tell you. Didn't
00:52:37
tell you what had happened or the extent
00:52:38
of what was going on.
00:52:39
>> Yeah. The extent of what was happening.
00:52:40
Yeah.
00:52:41
>> Keep you cocooned.
00:52:42
>> Yeah. So and like I would ask questions.
00:52:44
I'd be like, "Where's how's Hayden?
00:52:46
Where's Hayden?" and they just somehow
00:52:49
changed the subject. And I remember a
00:52:51
couple of times thinking that's weird
00:52:53
and then just continuing on cuz I was
00:52:55
just so full of drugs. It was just kind
00:52:56
of like I had a brain like a s so I was
00:52:58
just like that's weird and just carried
00:53:00
on answering questions. So it was a bit
00:53:02
weird but yeah I remembered everything
00:53:03
and the doctors are quite surprised by
00:53:05
that. So, um, yeah, I'm quite glad that
00:53:08
I do remember what I remember because
00:53:10
there's no kind of question as to what
00:53:12
happened for me. And, um, yeah, I'm glad
00:53:14
I remember, which
00:53:16
>> is morbid and weird, but yeah, it just
00:53:20
means there's no question for me as to
00:53:21
what happened and I'm not relying on
00:53:23
everyone else to fill in those gaps and
00:53:25
that kind of stuff.
00:53:26
>> Yeah, 100%. So, um Hayden, who you who
00:53:29
you just mentioned, he's um
00:53:32
uh he was one of your co-workers. Um
00:53:34
like your boss boss or a peer?
00:53:36
>> Um he was my boss. He was one of my
00:53:39
bosses.
00:53:39
>> Massive massive massive massive lamb
00:53:41
chop sideburns.
00:53:42
>> Yeah. The most horrific [laughter]
00:53:45
sideburns you've ever seen. Yeah.
00:53:47
>> All the way like all the way down to the
00:53:48
mustache line. Massive.
00:53:50
>> And in November, he'd grow it up into
00:53:51
handlebar mustache and it would be like
00:53:53
a mustache lamb chop hybrid and it was
00:53:56
horrible. Yeah,
00:53:57
>> every November.
00:53:58
>> What are you, what are your memories of
00:53:59
Hayden?
00:54:00
>> Oh, so many. Um, yeah, he trained me
00:54:03
when I first started there. And so, um,
00:54:06
and he was just like, we ended up
00:54:08
calling him Funk cuz he was like our fun
00:54:09
uncle. He was just, oh, he's so fun.
00:54:12
Like he'd like take us out to like
00:54:13
Tuttle Falls after work and like we just
00:54:15
go and do all like real fun stuff in the
00:54:17
area and um yeah, like his tours were
00:54:20
just a hoot and he just gave everything
00:54:22
110%. So it was just yeah, he was so
00:54:25
much fun. It was great. Um and then he
00:54:28
became one of our bosses instead of one
00:54:31
of our peers. And so that was a bit of
00:54:32
an adjustment. Um and he took his job
00:54:34
very seriously which was really really
00:54:36
cool. Like hindsight I wish I'd actually
00:54:38
stopped being such a little pratt
00:54:40
[laughter] and um actually just listened
00:54:43
rather than fighting him all the time.
00:54:45
Um so it was a bit of like brother
00:54:47
sister relationship where
00:54:49
>> um yeah I was always right, he was
00:54:51
always right. So it was just like we'd
00:54:52
always just clash over dumb [ __ ] like
00:54:54
that. Um and then he became a skipper
00:54:57
which was really cool. So he was driving
00:54:58
the boats. Um and yeah, so it was really
00:55:02
cool to go watch him like go up through
00:55:04
the ranks I suppose to skipper and he
00:55:07
was just so proud of that achievement as
00:55:09
well which was really cool.
00:55:10
>> Yeah. And that was the um so just
00:55:12
following your Instagram journey um
00:55:14
there was that first appreciation post
00:55:16
you did where you thanked everyone for
00:55:17
their support and you thanked the give a
00:55:19
little people um $120,000 by the way and
00:55:23
then the next post was an appreciation
00:55:24
post to um Hayden I suppose when the
00:55:27
reality um
00:55:28
>> sunk in that your mate didn't make it.
00:55:31
>> Yeah, it was um I don't you you probably
00:55:34
know when I posted that. I don't
00:55:35
>> I can't remember the date.
00:55:37
>> It was Yeah, I can't remember. I don't
00:55:40
think I was home. I think I was still in
00:55:41
huts. It must have been um end of
00:55:44
January sometime cuz I don't think I'd
00:55:46
been moved. Um but yeah, I I'd known for
00:55:50
maybe a month by that point. Um
00:55:54
yeah, and it just it was yeah, pretty
00:55:56
horrible. And then um like I hadn't seen
00:55:59
the news or watched the news um since it
00:56:01
had all happened. Um
00:56:02
>> did you want to or No,
00:56:04
>> no. I' I'd been hearing some pretty
00:56:06
horrible stories about what people were
00:56:08
saying and
00:56:09
>> what like [sighs]
00:56:12
>> you don't want to go there. [laughter]
00:56:13
>> I probably shouldn't go there cuz I'll
00:56:14
get really worked up and then I'll
00:56:15
probably get in trouble. But um yeah. Um
00:56:19
>> no no. Yeah. I'm just curious from from
00:56:21
my perspective because all I remember
00:56:22
from that time is just this this
00:56:23
horrible um human tragedy which was just
00:56:26
one of the one of the most devastating
00:56:27
days in New Zealand history. And I I
00:56:29
certainly didn't come across anyone
00:56:31
saying anything horrible about it. Oh, I
00:56:33
I'd heard all sort like people it I
00:56:36
don't know if there was anything
00:56:37
malicious behind it, but um I there was
00:56:40
a lot of things that were said that
00:56:42
weren't right and there were a lot of
00:56:44
things that were made up because they
00:56:45
didn't have the answers cuz obviously
00:56:46
everyone at the time was busy trying to
00:56:48
get people off the island and trying to
00:56:51
figure out who was where and what was
00:56:52
happening. Um so
00:56:56
my colleagues and that obviously weren't
00:56:57
talking to the press and um I don't
00:57:00
think Nata was talking to the press.
00:57:01
know I'm talking to the press cuz it was
00:57:03
like let's just deal with what's
00:57:04
happened rather than tell you what's
00:57:06
happened. You're actually not part of
00:57:07
this. So people were filling in blanks.
00:57:10
Um there's I've got a whole bunch of
00:57:12
news stories about um all these things
00:57:16
that people have said. Um like one of
00:57:19
them for instance was that instead of
00:57:22
looking after my group I called my mom
00:57:23
on the island which is quite a feat in
00:57:26
itself because if you know why island
00:57:28
there's no coverage. Um, I also didn't
00:57:30
have a phone, so that was pretty clever.
00:57:33
Um, and also there was no time, so it
00:57:35
was like, where did you get that
00:57:36
information? Why are you making that
00:57:38
[ __ ] up?
00:57:38
>> That's an absolute kick in the guts.
00:57:40
>> And it made and it made me look like I I
00:57:42
don't know if people took it seriously
00:57:44
or not, but it it made me feel like I
00:57:46
hadn't done my job. And it was like I
00:57:48
knew that it wasn't real, so I knew they
00:57:50
were just full of [ __ ] but it was like
00:57:52
I didn't do that. And people now think I
00:57:54
did this. I was just like, "Oh my god,
00:57:56
everyone's going to think that that's
00:57:57
why people died. they're gonna think
00:57:58
that this is my fault. So, that was
00:58:00
really horrible. And then there was
00:58:01
stuff said about the company and um
00:58:05
yeah, like there's some pretty nasty
00:58:06
[ __ ] Like people were just keyboard
00:58:08
warriors and it was pretty horrible. So,
00:58:10
I stayed the hell away from it. And um
00:58:13
my nurses wouldn't let me watch TV. Um
00:58:17
and I was there for like I was in
00:58:20
hospital for I think it was like 70
00:58:22
something days, but never watch TV.
00:58:24
Like, and what else do you do in
00:58:25
hospital other than stare at the roof?
00:58:27
So it was like I never watched TV that
00:58:29
whole time cuz I was just like I don't
00:58:30
want to know. I don't want to see. And
00:58:32
my hands were all bandaged and delicate.
00:58:35
Um I couldn't change the channel. So it
00:58:37
was like [laughter]
00:58:38
>> if everyone left it was like something
00:58:41
came on it was like well I'm just going
00:58:43
to have to like la my way through this
00:58:45
and it was just like I'm not doing that.
00:58:46
So it was just like no I'm not doing
00:58:48
this.
00:58:48
>> So never watched TV. Um yeah didn't
00:58:51
listen to the radio or anything when I
00:58:53
came home. Um, actually the only radio I
00:58:55
did listen to was The Rock because they
00:58:57
don't do that [ __ ] They don't talk
00:58:59
about that kind of [ __ ] So it was just
00:59:01
like
00:59:01
>> Well, and can I can I tell you from like
00:59:03
a like the perspective of sitting here?
00:59:05
>> I just realized that you weren't on the
00:59:06
rock. You were on the edge.
00:59:07
>> I was on I was on the edge at the time.
00:59:08
Yeah.
00:59:09
>> You under the bus.
00:59:10
>> No, that's all right. That's right. The
00:59:12
Rock. Um, they're good friends of mine.
00:59:13
I know you've done a bit with um Jay and
00:59:15
Dunk who do the afternoon show on the
00:59:16
rock and they do a great great show. But
00:59:19
um just if I may um well not even
00:59:21
applaud but just say no no no other no
00:59:24
media organization's doing that. That's
00:59:26
that's individual weird people online.
00:59:30
>> No media organization
00:59:32
>> it's just made me real paranoid now. And
00:59:35
then especially with the court cases
00:59:37
it's made me just really really paranoid
00:59:39
that
00:59:40
>> whatever I say is going to get used
00:59:42
wrong and whatever I talk about is going
00:59:45
to get used against me in court and
00:59:47
stuff like that. So I'm just like hella
00:59:49
paranoid like so I mean I've not done a
00:59:52
lot of these sorts of things and when I
00:59:55
do it's like I want to hear it before it
00:59:56
goes anywhere live. Um and I want the
00:59:59
right to be able to say cut that out,
01:00:01
take that out.
01:00:02
>> Well you you we've been going backwards
01:00:04
and forwards for for a couple of months.
01:00:05
You're you're you're a hard one to pin
01:00:07
down. Um but you you sent me a DM a
01:00:09
couple of weeks ago saying, "Oh, can you
01:00:10
send me a list of questions?" And uh cuz
01:00:12
you you were worried about the legal the
01:00:14
legal aspect. And I replied to you
01:00:15
saying, "Well, I don't I don't really
01:00:17
have [laughter]
01:00:18
I don't I don't I don't really have any
01:00:19
questions, but it's just like um it's
01:00:21
your perspective on things, but I never
01:00:23
really sort of thought about it from
01:00:24
your angle that and that's um that's
01:00:27
another like you what you've been
01:00:28
through is is daunting. Like it's been
01:00:30
enough trauma for,
01:00:32
>> you know, 10 lifetimes really, let alone
01:00:34
one." And and now you've got this other
01:00:36
thing hanging over your head.
01:00:37
>> Yeah. And it was like even um like when
01:00:40
they told me what was going on. So this
01:00:41
is like it was I think it was right
01:00:43
before my leg grafting. So it was around
01:00:45
Christmas in 2019. Um so I'm hearing
01:00:48
about all the stuff. I'm hearing that
01:00:49
people have died. I'm hearing um
01:00:52
basically what's going on back home, all
01:00:54
that kind of stuff. And then I'm also
01:00:56
hearing media are trying to break into
01:00:58
the hospital. The hospital is in
01:01:00
lockdown because of you. Cuz you're
01:01:02
here. Every single hospital with someone
01:01:05
in it from my island is in lockdown.
01:01:08
There are guards everywhere. There's
01:01:09
police everywhere. My family were being
01:01:12
harassed. Um, people were calling them.
01:01:15
It was like, "How did they get their
01:01:16
numbers?" Um, they were breaking into
01:01:18
the hospitals. They were dressing up in
01:01:20
lab coats and trying to get through
01:01:21
security. They were lying about being a
01:01:24
relative of mine. Um, I heard that one
01:01:27
of them burnt themselves purposely to
01:01:29
get into the burns unit to try and find
01:01:31
us. And it was like, I'm hearing all of
01:01:33
this while I'm not straight to the bed,
01:01:35
but I'm immobile. I can't film for
01:01:38
myself. And it was like, so I'd have
01:01:39
like 2 hours in the middle of the day
01:01:41
where I was like having a nap and I just
01:01:43
stare at the door. And it was like, what
01:01:45
if someone comes through with the
01:01:46
camera? I can't do anything. I can't
01:01:48
even call the nurses cuz I had this
01:01:49
little husky voice cuz I had a tube down
01:01:51
my throat. So it was like, I can't
01:01:53
defend myself. And then I got out of
01:01:56
hospital and it was like I started
01:01:57
seeing all this stuff in the media and
01:01:58
it was like, oh my god. Like nowhere is
01:02:00
safe. No one has got anyone's back here.
01:02:03
Everyone's just like it's like this big
01:02:04
media frenzy piranha just basically just
01:02:07
ripping shreds off and it was like holy
01:02:09
[ __ ] And so it was terrifying. And then
01:02:11
they're like and then I yeah posted that
01:02:14
first um post got slammed media being
01:02:17
like we want to talk to you. Let's do
01:02:18
this. And I was just like well actually
01:02:20
I've got this media article from your
01:02:22
work. There's no way I'll talk to you.
01:02:24
Look what you said. It's like there's no
01:02:26
way. So I just delete and just Yeah.
01:02:28
Never reply.
01:02:29
>> Yeah. Also, I suppose by doing stuff
01:02:30
Well, yeah. By doing stuff on Instagram,
01:02:32
it's like you control your narrative as
01:02:34
well.
01:02:34
>> Yeah. And so, it was safe for me cuz it
01:02:35
was like
01:02:36
>> it's your space.
01:02:37
>> Yeah. Exactly. No one could take it
01:02:39
over. No one could misconrue what I said
01:02:40
because it was like I would I'd write it
01:02:42
out. I had my mom read it. I had my dad
01:02:44
read it. Um my partner at the time, I'd
01:02:46
have him read it. I had my sister read
01:02:47
it. And it was like, can you misread
01:02:50
anything in this? And it was like that
01:02:52
for months. And it was just like I'm I
01:02:54
was terrified. And I didn't want to go
01:02:56
into town. I didn't want to leave my
01:02:57
house. It was terrifying.
01:02:59
Oh, Kelse, that's terrible. [sighs]
01:03:02
[gasps]
01:03:03
>> Sorry you went through that. And
01:03:05
>> that's on top of everything else.
01:03:06
>> No, no one deserves it. But but
01:03:08
especially when um
01:03:10
>> like when when your character in conduct
01:03:12
on the island Sorry, I'm getting upset
01:03:14
now.
01:03:15
>> I'm getting all mad and [laughter] my my
01:03:17
voice is getting like raspy and my mouth
01:03:18
is dry. Um,
01:03:22
like I mean
01:03:23
>> as a media person you're thinking Jesus
01:03:26
like
01:03:27
>> what people can I just say anyone that's
01:03:28
in music radio they're not they're not
01:03:31
media people Jay and Duncan I know you
01:03:32
big but it's like the fact that someone
01:03:35
could accuse you of like um you know
01:03:38
almost improper conduct um during the
01:03:40
the emergency and calling your mom
01:03:42
>> I'm a call mom just wait guys
01:03:44
>> especially when the um the way you
01:03:47
actually handled yourself as we all now
01:03:49
know is like the polar opposite of that.
01:03:50
Like you went above and beyond.
01:03:52
>> I mean, that's just it's heartbreaking.
01:03:54
I I can't imagine what it's like. I'm
01:03:56
just trying to put myself in your shoes.
01:03:58
Like being in this broken position where
01:04:00
you're aching all over.
01:04:02
>> You're just you you're being pulled in
01:04:04
one direction and the other direction
01:04:06
and you know, you're just stinging and
01:04:08
you're completely immobile and then this
01:04:10
shit's going on about you. It's
01:04:11
unthinkable and I'm sorry.
01:04:13
>> Yeah. And so like um yeah, just
01:04:15
terrifying. And then it's like, and then
01:04:17
um the police want to talk to you cuz
01:04:19
obviously you're a witness now. You're a
01:04:21
victim. You're a witness. Um and so it
01:04:23
was just like Jesus, now I have to do
01:04:25
that. And if I say anything that makes
01:04:27
it sound like I've done something wrong
01:04:28
or a colleague's done something wrong,
01:04:30
I'm then going to have to do this in
01:04:31
court. So it was like great. And it was
01:04:34
like and I know if I say anything to the
01:04:35
media and I get worked up cuz it's very
01:04:38
easy for me to get worked up about.
01:04:40
>> I can tell you're faster. Is that is
01:04:42
that a a redhead thing?
01:04:44
>> Oh, look. I'm like I'm the [laughter]
01:04:45
worst of all of them. It's like red
01:04:47
head, Aries. It's like you name it, I am
01:04:50
it. It's like Yeah. Like sign. It's just
01:04:53
oh man. It's just like the perfect
01:04:55
combination of just like aggro. And then
01:04:57
it's like and then like my brain is
01:04:59
permanently stuck and fight because
01:05:01
fight has saved my life so many times.
01:05:03
It's like so now it's just like my my
01:05:06
brain just goes fight
01:05:07
>> that'll save you. And it's just like so
01:05:09
now it's just like every doesn't take
01:05:11
much for me to like and just like get
01:05:12
all angsty straight away. And so, um,
01:05:14
yeah, it's it's pretty [ __ ]
01:05:15
>> but that the fight or flight thing like
01:05:17
we talked about that before. That's um
01:05:19
that's how you were able to conduct
01:05:20
yourself so awesomely in the heat of the
01:05:23
>> the heat of the moment.
01:05:24
>> And like fight is great for those
01:05:26
situations, but when you like drop a
01:05:27
spoon and just like want to fight
01:05:29
everyone, not so good. [laughter]
01:05:31
>> Not very handy.
01:05:33
>> So, um, like how how are you now? How
01:05:36
how's the pain now? What how has your
01:05:38
life changed? Like, what can't you do?
01:05:41
Um, I mean, I'm pretty fair skinned
01:05:44
anyway, so the graphs burn really easy,
01:05:47
but I'm already fair skinned, so I
01:05:49
already burn really easy. So, it's like,
01:05:51
cool, I've been training for this my
01:05:52
whole life. So, that's not really
01:05:55
changed. Like, I can't really go out in
01:05:56
the sun in summer. Um, can't really
01:05:58
regulate my temperature anymore. So,
01:06:00
it's like I don't realize I'm hot until
01:06:01
it's like, wow, I'm faint. I'm going to
01:06:03
pass out. I'm too hot. Um, and then same
01:06:07
with cold. I don't realize I'm cold
01:06:08
until it's like my body starts
01:06:09
vibrating. Um the first time it happened
01:06:11
it was like cuz I don't get goosebumps
01:06:12
cuz my legs arms don't have the pores or
01:06:16
the like any they don't they don't do
01:06:17
that anymore. So all of a sudden my body
01:06:19
just starts shaking cuz I go for I don't
01:06:21
get goosebumps and then get and I get
01:06:24
cold get goosebumps start shaking. I
01:06:26
just skip all of that and go straight to
01:06:28
shaking. The first time it happened it
01:06:29
was like I was just shaking. I was like
01:06:30
am I having a seizure? I was like what's
01:06:32
happening? And they were like are you
01:06:34
cold? And I was like no. And they were
01:06:35
just like it's quite cold and you're not
01:06:37
wearing a jacket. And it was like, I'm
01:06:39
not cold, but I'm shaking. What is
01:06:41
happening? Put a jersey on me and it
01:06:43
stopped. And it was like, cool. So
01:06:45
that's new. And it's like I still find
01:06:47
random little new things. It's like I
01:06:49
get weird sensations in my legs and in
01:06:51
my hands. And it's just like I had one I
01:06:53
think last week where I think I was
01:06:55
standing in the kitchen just like
01:06:57
getting my supplements or something like
01:06:58
that. And it was like, oh, there's cold
01:07:00
water on my leg and looked down and it
01:07:02
was like there's nothing on my leg and
01:07:04
it's just my nerves having a little like
01:07:06
and freak out.
01:07:07
>> Wow. Um, so that's pretty weird. Um, but
01:07:10
otherwise
01:07:10
>> that's that's your new normal now.
01:07:12
That's how
01:07:12
>> Yeah. And like every time I ask someone
01:07:15
like when will the nerve pain go away
01:07:16
because I don't really want to keep
01:07:17
taking this medication for life. They're
01:07:19
like um and change the subject. And so
01:07:21
no one really knows. [laughter] So
01:07:23
>> everyone say, "Oh gosh, she's she's
01:07:25
she's going to see the red mist. Don't
01:07:27
want to make her mad."
01:07:28
>> What sort of meds are you on? How many
01:07:29
like how many? Is it a cocktail of
01:07:31
pills?
01:07:32
>> I'm not on much. And that surprises
01:07:33
people. Um even like in the first I
01:07:35
think once I was at a hospital I was off
01:07:37
all my medication which was fantastic.
01:07:39
Um and so people were like oh you must
01:07:41
be on so many medications and I was like
01:07:43
now I'm on none and they were like oh
01:07:45
okay and so um but now I am on pain uh
01:07:49
nerve pain medication um cuz you always
01:07:51
want to rip the skin off my legs. Um and
01:07:54
then I'm also on beta blockers for my
01:07:55
heart rate um which I'm actually seeing
01:07:57
my cardiologist tomorrow to hopefully
01:07:59
come off them this year. um cuz we're
01:08:02
not quite sure if it's the physical
01:08:03
trauma or the mental trauma, so the
01:08:06
fight flight, but my resting heart rate
01:08:08
was quite high. It was over 100. And so
01:08:11
I'd do any kind of exercise or cardio.
01:08:13
I'd walk up a hill, my heart rate's at
01:08:15
190 something and it's like I've just
01:08:17
walked somewhere and it's like that's
01:08:19
not safe. And then um resting heart rate
01:08:22
of 110 apparently can start to do
01:08:24
damage. So, um, my cardiologist, um, put
01:08:27
me on the beta blockers to bring my
01:08:29
heart rate down, which we didn't realize
01:08:32
until, I think about a year ago, um,
01:08:35
because it caps my heart rate and it
01:08:37
keeps my heart rate down. It does really
01:08:38
good job of that. Um, if I do any
01:08:41
cardio, I run out of oxygen cuz my heart
01:08:44
rate can only go so high. And so, I'm
01:08:46
not getting oxygen into my muscles. And
01:08:48
so for a while it was like, "Oh my god,
01:08:51
I've gone backwards so far with my like
01:08:53
exercise cuz I could like do quite a lot
01:08:56
of things." And then all of a sudden
01:08:58
Royy's Peak. It wasn't easy and I cried
01:09:00
the last kilometer. But um
01:09:02
>> Did you It was since uh 2019.
01:09:04
>> Yeah, I did that. Uh what year are we?
01:09:08
>> Yeah. 2023 now.
01:09:09
>> Um not 22. Must have been 21.
01:09:12
>> Wow. Good for you. Yeah, that's a hell
01:09:14
of a climb. Zigzags back and forth
01:09:16
forever.
01:09:16
>> Yeah. And there's no cover. So, so it's
01:09:18
all sun.
01:09:19
>> Yeah.
01:09:19
>> Which was
01:09:20
>> not nice. Um, but yeah, we did that in
01:09:22
November. And yeah, I like I was good up
01:09:25
until the like Instagram point.
01:09:28
>> And I was like, [laughter] "This is the
01:09:29
top." And my partner at the time was
01:09:31
like, "This is not the top. We have a K
01:09:33
to go." And I was just like, "I don't
01:09:34
want to go to the last K." Like, I'm
01:09:36
could just die here, thankfully. And he
01:09:38
was just like, "No, come on. We're doing
01:09:39
it. You'll regret it if you don't. It's
01:09:40
1K." Like, and I was just like, "Okay."
01:09:43
And that's where I'd like hit my limit.
01:09:45
And I just like bowled my eyes out for
01:09:47
the last K and I was like I don't want
01:09:48
to do this and just like moped up the
01:09:50
hill and made it to the top. Admittedly
01:09:53
he was right. It was worth it. Um the
01:09:55
views were amazing. Um
01:09:57
>> Roy's Peak by the way. It's down sort of
01:09:58
Wanuk away
01:10:00
>> in Central Targetago. Beautiful. Well
01:10:02
worth the hike.
01:10:02
>> Stunning. It is stunning. And then on
01:10:04
the way down it was like my knees just
01:10:05
felt like there was no cartilage there
01:10:08
anymore. It was just like bone on bone
01:10:09
and it was just oh it was a bad time.
01:10:11
But um did that and then yeah it was
01:10:13
like 2 months later I could not walk up
01:10:17
a hill at home without bursting into
01:10:20
tears and it was like not even okay. It
01:10:23
was like how how can I do roy peak and
01:10:25
then not do this? It was just like I
01:10:27
couldn't work it out and I got on the
01:10:28
beta blockers since then and my physio
01:10:30
was like you're running out of oxygen
01:10:33
like that's why all of a sudden you get
01:10:34
fatigued and then you burst into tears
01:10:37
cuz your brain's running out of oxygen
01:10:38
>> right like almost like altitude
01:10:40
sickness.
01:10:40
>> Yeah. And so it was just like and then
01:10:41
it was like so like for the last year
01:10:45
just over a year now I've been on the
01:10:46
beta blockers and so I have to be really
01:10:48
careful with my cardio and so if I do or
01:10:51
when I do like um I've um started boxing
01:10:54
and like bar and so both I just have to
01:10:58
be really careful with my cardio. So
01:10:59
it's like my heart rate I can get it to
01:11:01
about 120 and keep it there and I'm all
01:11:03
right. But if I go any higher than that
01:11:04
for any kind of prolonged period of time
01:11:07
I run out of oxygen. So yeah, this the
01:11:10
podcast is called runners only. I'm
01:11:11
guessing no relationship with running.
01:11:14
>> No relationship [laughter] to running.
01:11:15
Occasionally I'm like I'd love to know
01:11:17
how to like I'd love to be able to run
01:11:18
and then I'm like no my boobs like want
01:11:20
to rip off my chest and my knees hurt
01:11:22
and I was like I don't want to do that.
01:11:23
>> Um were you Yeah, you mentioned your
01:11:26
exercise and the the heart rate thing.
01:11:27
It would make you emotional and cry.
01:11:29
Were you very emotional pre209 or quite
01:11:31
a quite a quite a hard bit? Um,
01:11:36
no. Oh, pro. Yeah, I don't know. Some
01:11:38
maybe.
01:11:39
>> Has it made you Has it made you more
01:11:40
emotional, do you? [laughter]
01:11:41
>> Yeah. Yeah.
01:11:42
>> Yeah. I um like even like watching
01:11:44
movies like um I cry a lot easier than I
01:11:47
ever ever did. I'd be like a zappy and
01:11:49
just like walk away from it. Whereas now
01:11:51
I'm like and it's so that's quite a
01:11:53
change. Um, and then with the fight, the
01:11:56
PTSD, um, yeah, I get angered really
01:11:59
easily, um, over anything. And then it's
01:12:02
like I also shut down really easily. So,
01:12:04
um, I went away recently with a group of
01:12:07
19 strangers, as you do when you've got
01:12:10
PTSD and you want to push yourself to
01:12:12
the limit. And it was great, but it was
01:12:15
quite action-packed. And admittedly, it
01:12:17
was really good because I might actually
01:12:18
have a big trip at the end of the year,
01:12:20
which will be bigger than this. So, it
01:12:21
was kind of a nice little taster of M
01:12:24
>> domestically cuz it was a South Island.
01:12:26
Um it was like I can just get on a plane
01:12:27
and come home within a couple of hours.
01:12:29
So that's fine. But um it was like two 2
01:12:32
days in it was like wow I really didn't
01:12:35
take into account the social aspect of
01:12:38
getting tired and so it was like 2 days
01:12:40
into 10 days I think it was. It was like
01:12:44
wow I'm exhausted and it was just like I
01:12:46
don't want to talk to anyone anymore.
01:12:48
And it's like let's go do Hooker Valley.
01:12:50
And it was like, [laughter] oh, okay.
01:12:54
And then so I and then when we got to
01:12:56
Queenstown, I was like, I feel like
01:12:58
[ __ ] And so I said to the to a leader,
01:12:59
I was like, I I got to tap out for a day
01:13:01
or I'm lose my [ __ ] And so he was just
01:13:04
like, well, you're booked into this
01:13:05
thing. I was like, not anymore, mate.
01:13:06
I'm going to call him and pull out. And
01:13:08
they were like he was like, you can't do
01:13:09
that. It's less than 24 hours out. I was
01:13:10
like, I can [ __ ] do [laughter] that
01:13:12
because it's either that or I'm going to
01:13:14
cry my whole way through it. And so
01:13:16
pulled out of it. And they were sweet.
01:13:18
They were like, yeah, that's fine. We
01:13:19
totally get it. So I just like stayed in
01:13:20
my hotel room. But when I was walking in
01:13:23
Queenstown, I walked them down to I
01:13:26
think they were going rafting or
01:13:28
canyoning. Um and so I walked them down
01:13:30
there and I was walking back and I was
01:13:33
in Queenstown main street and I was
01:13:36
walking back to the hotel. Someone
01:13:37
dropped something in Queenstown and it
01:13:40
sounded exactly like Wow Island. And I
01:13:42
don't like I say that the eruption
01:13:44
didn't make any noise and I mean that um
01:13:46
it was like a noise it used to make
01:13:48
about a month before and also a year
01:13:49
before that. So it wasn't even related
01:13:51
to the eruption. It was
01:13:52
>> what was that? What sort of sound?
01:13:54
>> It was just like this big boom like
01:13:55
someone just dropped like
01:13:57
>> at the when I was down there they had
01:13:59
these like big like iron bits over I
01:14:01
guess holes in the ground. Okay.
01:14:02
>> And so I think someone had picked one up
01:14:04
to look under it and then just dropped
01:14:05
it.
01:14:06
>> And it took every fiber of my being not
01:14:08
to just duck and cover in the main
01:14:10
street of Queenstown. And I was just
01:14:11
like physically shaking and I was just
01:14:13
like go go go get back to the hotel and
01:14:15
made it back to the hotel without having
01:14:17
a full-on breakdown. Um and then a few
01:14:21
days later I actually had two panic
01:14:23
attacks in a kayak which is not the
01:14:25
greatest place to have a panic attack
01:14:27
all the places.
01:14:27
>> I know on the water like one of those
01:14:30
ones that you like in and I was just
01:14:32
like cool. So if this [ __ ] flips I've
01:14:34
got to actually like physically save
01:14:35
myself and was like I don't want to do
01:14:37
that again. I don't want to save myself
01:14:38
again. So, um it was quite an eye
01:14:42
opening test cuz obviously at home
01:14:44
everything's nice and safe. Um I have my
01:14:47
routine, I have my appointments, all my
01:14:49
my different therapists and exercise
01:14:51
coaches like they all know me really
01:14:53
well. They all know what triggers me.
01:14:54
They know how to like deal with me, I
01:14:57
suppose, go out. And so I was like, I
01:14:59
feel really good. I feel really strong.
01:15:01
I'm doing all the stuff that my wellness
01:15:02
coaches teach me to do. I feel great.
01:15:05
Like I haven't had an incident with PTSD
01:15:06
in ages. So, I was like, "I'm going to
01:15:08
do this real big random thing." When I
01:15:10
did that, I came back and I was like,
01:15:12
>> "Oh my god, I am hopeless. I've made no
01:15:16
progress." And she was just like, "No,
01:15:17
like you're totally out of you. You're
01:15:20
totally out of your safe zone." Like,
01:15:21
and you're in this like massive
01:15:23
situation. But I learned a lot. And so,
01:15:25
that's good. And so, I'm using that
01:15:26
going forward. And it's like, um, if I
01:15:28
do this big trip at the end of the year,
01:15:30
then I've got all these things now which
01:15:32
I'm like, need to work on that, need to
01:15:33
work on that, need to take that into
01:15:35
account. So, um yeah, that's massive,
01:15:38
which is really good.
01:15:39
>> Oh, I I know you're not going to like
01:15:40
this, but um it's it's inspirational
01:15:42
that you're even like doing this. Like a
01:15:43
lot of people are going to be um
01:15:45
listening to this thinking, "Oh god, you
01:15:47
know, I'm in more of a comfort zone than
01:15:49
what she is, and I haven't been through
01:15:51
any of this shit." Like the fact that
01:15:52
you are constantly trying to push
01:15:54
yourself. Um yeah. Are you quite kind to
01:15:57
yourself?
01:15:58
>> No.
01:15:59
>> God, [laughter] no.
01:16:01
>> I'm I'm learning I'm learning to be a
01:16:02
lot kinder. like um my PTSD was got
01:16:06
really really bad at the start of
01:16:09
last year. Um it was really really bad
01:16:11
and I openly admit I was a piece of [ __ ]
01:16:14
like I didn't want to be around me but I
01:16:16
can't get away from me and so um had a
01:16:18
breakdown with a couple of relationships
01:16:20
um which not even in contact with them
01:16:22
anymore and they're two people I thought
01:16:24
would be in my life for life. That was a
01:16:26
massive slap in the face to keep trying
01:16:30
and keep trying to find something cuz I
01:16:31
was just done. I was like, I'm trying
01:16:34
talk therapy. That doesn't feel like
01:16:36
it's working. I tried EMDR. That made
01:16:39
things worse.
01:16:40
>> EMDR. What's that?
01:16:42
>> Eye movement.
01:16:44
EMD. Dissociate.
01:16:47
>> I can't remember anymore.
01:16:48
>> That's a terrible.
01:16:49
>> Oh, it's the worst. It means Yeah. eye
01:16:51
movement desensitization and
01:16:53
reprocessing. Right.
01:16:54
>> So basically it it's to try and
01:16:58
reprocess the trauma or the memory into
01:17:00
the actual memory part of your brain
01:17:03
rather than it living in the emotional
01:17:04
part of the brain and not being where
01:17:06
it's supposed to be. So um tried that
01:17:09
that didn't work. Um tried a whole bunch
01:17:11
of other stuff that didn't work. Um and
01:17:14
just was I was just tired. I was done. I
01:17:16
was so tired. Like all the physical
01:17:18
recovery [ __ ] then all the trying to
01:17:20
like heal mentally as well which is like
01:17:21
way worse than the physical stuff.
01:17:23
>> Yeah. Is it? I was just done. So, I just
01:17:24
was just like, "Fuck this. I'm just
01:17:26
going to have a few months off. I'm just
01:17:27
have a break."
01:17:28
>> Which you can't do. You can't just have
01:17:30
a break from healing.
01:17:32
>> And so, my my headspace, everything just
01:17:36
deteriorated really really bad. The PTSD
01:17:39
basically took over. I was terrified of
01:17:41
everything. I was angry at everything. I
01:17:43
was I I probably wasn't depressed, but I
01:17:47
was sad a lot. I was Yeah. And I didn't
01:17:49
leave the house. Like, I barely left the
01:17:50
house. And all this is understandable,
01:17:53
right?
01:17:53
>> Yeah. To an extent. Yes.
01:17:55
>> No, 100% it is. Like with what you've
01:17:58
been through.
01:17:59
>> Yeah. And
01:17:59
>> I mean, it would be it would be very
01:18:01
very easy and even like no one could
01:18:03
hold hold it against you if you decided
01:18:05
to be a victim for the rest of your
01:18:06
life.
01:18:07
>> And that's kind of where I was. I was
01:18:09
just like, I've had this I've had all
01:18:11
these horrific things happen to me.
01:18:13
>> I've ended up in all these shitty
01:18:14
situations. I feel like I'm totally
01:18:16
alone. No one gets it. No one can seem
01:18:18
to help me. I've tried all these things.
01:18:20
people are trying to help. It's not
01:18:21
working. I'm done. Like, I just want to
01:18:23
be a normal person for a bit. So, I'm
01:18:25
just going to just relax. And yeah, it
01:18:28
got ugly. And so, yeah, I lost those two
01:18:30
relationships, which was enough of a
01:18:32
kick up the ass to be like, you can't
01:18:34
live like this, mate. Like, come on. You
01:18:35
got like look what you've been through.
01:18:37
You can do this. And so, I went to a
01:18:40
naturopath and I went to a
01:18:41
hypnotherapist. I found a wellness
01:18:43
coach. I you name it, I've tried it. Um,
01:18:47
and so thankfully I ch like I changed
01:18:50
psychologists to someone with a bit more
01:18:52
PTSD experience and like the wellness
01:18:54
coach and the my new psych like holy
01:18:57
[ __ ] like they are worth their weight
01:18:59
and gold. They just changed my life. And
01:19:02
so in the last
01:19:04
what are we now? April.
01:19:05
>> Yeah, April.
01:19:06
>> 10ish months. Um, I've been, yeah,
01:19:09
basically overhauling my life and, um,
01:19:13
cuz, yeah, I just, I just got the
01:19:14
biggest kick out of the ass. And it
01:19:15
finally made me realize like even though
01:19:18
like all this terrible stuff has
01:19:20
happened to you and that wasn't your
01:19:21
fault, the rest is now your
01:19:23
responsibility. PTSD is my
01:19:25
responsibility. The trauma is my
01:19:26
responsibility. Surviving living from
01:19:28
here on out is my responsibility. And I
01:19:31
can either live like that, lose all my
01:19:32
relationships, or I can just keep going.
01:19:38
And it's like I just have to keep going.
01:19:40
And like I had this like brief chat with
01:19:42
um Damian from Blind Spot. And honestly,
01:19:45
I reckon he helped save my life cuz
01:19:47
>> No, how so?
01:19:48
>> He So um
01:19:50
>> he's a great guy, by the way. Damian
01:19:51
Alexander.
01:19:52
>> I love them.
01:19:52
>> Yeah. Great. How did your paths cross?
01:19:54
Were you a blind spot fan?
01:19:56
>> Yeah. So, The Rock sent me to two of
01:19:59
their gigs. Um, yeah, two of their gigs.
01:20:02
And um I didn't really I spoke probably
01:20:06
more to Sheldon than Damian, but um
01:20:10
there was in September I think it was
01:20:13
September um the rock is there rock 2000
01:20:16
and one of their new songs um tonight
01:20:19
played and they had this little snippet
01:20:20
of Damian talking about the song and
01:20:22
like the how how it had came to be like
01:20:26
where his headsp space was at when he
01:20:28
wrote it and it just struck a chord and
01:20:30
so I messaged him. I was just like,
01:20:32
"Dude, I am in the darkest part of my
01:20:33
life and just heard heard you talking
01:20:35
about this song and I was just like, I
01:20:38
just I needed that. Like, thank you.
01:20:41
Just keep doing what you're doing." And
01:20:42
he sent me back this massive message. I
01:20:44
bled my eyes out. I saved it as my
01:20:46
background for like 3 months cuz I I
01:20:48
just like read it every day and just be
01:20:50
like, "Come on, you can do this." But in
01:20:52
short, it was like, "You just got to
01:20:53
keep turning up. Just turn up. Just keep
01:20:55
turning up. Like even if you keep
01:20:57
getting hit in the face, turn up." And
01:20:59
so,
01:20:59
>> it's easier said than done though, isn't
01:21:00
it? which it is. It is um and like when
01:21:03
you're exhausted like physically,
01:21:05
emotionally, mentally, spiritually, just
01:21:07
everything like everything's at 0% or
01:21:10
negative. Um it is hard and I didn't
01:21:12
want to do it. I don't want to do it. I
01:21:14
don't want to do that. I still don't
01:21:16
want to do it. But it's like what choice
01:21:17
do I have? It's like so it's kind of
01:21:20
just got me to this point now where it's
01:21:21
just like I've finally found things that
01:21:23
are helping. Um it's got me out of that
01:21:26
dark hole um of the whole Yeah. just not
01:21:29
being good.
01:21:31
>> Um, and it doesn't mean I'm perfect.
01:21:33
Like I still have bouts of PTSD as I
01:21:35
just mentioned down south and like I
01:21:37
still have days where I just totally
01:21:39
just dissociate and but I know what that
01:21:40
is now. Whereas like 2 years ago it
01:21:43
would happen and people like what's
01:21:45
wrong? What's tell me what's going on.
01:21:46
It's like I don't [ __ ] know. I just
01:21:48
I'm not right. I don't know what's going
01:21:50
on. And they would be like what do you
01:21:51
mean you don't know? You should know
01:21:53
like what's going on in your head. And
01:21:54
it's just like I don't know. And so
01:21:56
people would just be like and leave cuz
01:21:58
they'd be like, "I don't know how to
01:21:59
help you if you don't know what's going
01:22:00
on." And so they just walk away. And so
01:22:02
it was like, "Well, now I don't feel
01:22:04
like I can talk to anyone because
01:22:05
everyone's just giving me the same
01:22:06
answer." So it was just like I just
01:22:09
basically just imploded. And it
01:22:11
obviously exploded because that's what
01:22:13
happens. You can't just shut down cuz
01:22:15
that doesn't work.
01:22:16
>> So I'm changing my life because I don't
01:22:18
want to be that person. I hated that
01:22:20
person, but I didn't know how to change
01:22:21
it.
01:22:22
>> But I have the help now to not be that
01:22:24
person. And I'm doing my damn best not
01:22:27
to be that person again.
01:22:28
>> Also, I guess beyond um scar scaring off
01:22:30
and driving away other people, it's like
01:22:32
you've got to live with yourself.
01:22:33
>> So, you want to be comfortable in your
01:22:35
own.
01:22:35
>> And it's hard. Like I I reckon I put on
01:22:37
like 20 kgs of just stress. And it was
01:22:41
just like cuz I was always in that fight
01:22:43
flight. I'm never in that rest digest.
01:22:44
So, it was like anything I ate straight
01:22:46
on my body. So, I hated the way I
01:22:49
looked. I hated my brain. I just hated
01:22:51
everything about myself. And it was just
01:22:52
like which sucks cuz it was like I've
01:22:55
survived all this stuff and everyone's
01:22:57
and everyone's telling me you're so
01:22:58
inspirational, you're so strong, blah
01:23:00
blah blah. And it's just like if only
01:23:01
you could be in my head right now. It's
01:23:03
just like you would oh my god it was not
01:23:06
good. So and like I I do struggle to
01:23:09
take the compliments like you've been
01:23:10
saying to me and it's just like I I
01:23:13
struggle with it and I don't know
01:23:14
whether that's yeah ever going to be
01:23:16
better or not.
01:23:17
And um what's your relationship like now
01:23:19
with your physical body? Like when you
01:23:21
when you when you get up in the morning
01:23:22
and you're out of the shower and you see
01:23:24
yourself in front of the mirror like are
01:23:25
you are you comfortable with what you
01:23:26
see
01:23:27
>> enough like which is it's the stupid
01:23:30
thing about it is it's got nothing to do
01:23:31
with scars.
01:23:32
>> The scars I think kind of cool cuz it's
01:23:34
like
01:23:36
>> I mean and I can't change that.
01:23:37
>> Yeah.
01:23:37
>> But it's like it's things I can change
01:23:39
that I'm not happy with. So it's like
01:23:40
weight and like all these dumb stupid
01:23:43
cosmetic things. It's like I am healthy.
01:23:45
Like I am boxing. I am doing bar. I'm
01:23:47
doing reformer. I am doing matt pilates.
01:23:49
Like I am walking my dog two three times
01:23:51
a day. It's like I could not be doing
01:23:54
more any any more physical exercise if I
01:23:56
tried without killing myself. So it's
01:23:58
like physic I mean not lately cuz I went
01:24:00
to the South Island and then I got like
01:24:01
this gastro bug last week. So I'm not
01:24:04
good at the moment. [laughter]
01:24:05
I have barely moved in the last two
01:24:07
weeks but um and then I sprained my
01:24:09
shoulder and then while I was vomiting I
01:24:12
ruined the shoulder. So it was just like
01:24:14
so I'm in a bit of a stage at the moment
01:24:16
but I will get back cuz yeah all my
01:24:18
appointments are slowly starting to come
01:24:20
back and so it's just yeah just another
01:24:22
little setback for me.
01:24:24
>> And what what about at night when you
01:24:26
when you put your head on the pillow and
01:24:27
shut the eyes? What are your dreams
01:24:28
like?
01:24:29
>> I don't really have any.
01:24:30
>> Don't you
01:24:32
>> that's a good thing, right?
01:24:33
>> I don't I I've had I think I can count
01:24:35
on one hand how many nightmares I've had
01:24:37
since W Island. Um two of them have been
01:24:40
W Island. Um, and then the other three I
01:24:44
I don't actually maybe it's just those
01:24:46
two. There's only been two. I've only
01:24:48
ever had two major nightmares that I can
01:24:50
think of. And both of them were around
01:24:51
White Island, but not what actually
01:24:55
happened. It was just my brain making up
01:24:57
other random White Island things.
01:24:58
>> Jeez, that's lucky, isn't it? I think.
01:25:00
>> Yeah. Oh, yeah. Like I Yeah. for all the
01:25:03
symptoms of PTSD that I don't have. Um,
01:25:06
I'm glad I don't have the nightmares
01:25:08
because I need like 11 hours of sleep to
01:25:11
be somewhat functional, which apparently
01:25:14
is is a trauma thing cuz of like the
01:25:16
hyper vigilance and stuff and I'm always
01:25:17
like always like looking for danger.
01:25:20
>> Um, yeah, I do require a lot more rest
01:25:23
than the average person which sucks cuz
01:25:25
then it's like I have a late night or I
01:25:26
have to get up early in the morning and
01:25:27
it's like I don't function well.
01:25:29
>> Yeah. So, how old are you now? What are
01:25:32
you 20?
01:25:32
>> 2 29,
01:25:33
>> right?
01:25:34
>> You've still got so much life to live,
01:25:36
don't you?
01:25:36
>> Hopefully.
01:25:37
>> Yeah. Oh, no. Absolutely you do.
01:25:39
>> I mean, everyone keeps I've been people
01:25:40
have been saying for like the last eight
01:25:42
years like that's your bad luck surely.
01:25:44
And then it's like something else
01:25:45
[laughter] happens. And so it's just
01:25:46
like everyone's like you're still young.
01:25:48
It's like Mhm.
01:25:49
>> Yeah. Yeah.
01:25:50
>> So what's uh what's what's next? How's
01:25:52
the next 50 60 70 years going to look?
01:25:55
>> Just survive,
01:25:56
>> right? Oh, I think you've done that. You
01:25:58
>> boring survival would be nice, actually.
01:26:00
>> You say surviving. I I'd say and I think
01:26:02
many other people would say thriving.
01:26:04
Seriously.
01:26:04
>> Yeah. Getting there. Getting there. I
01:26:06
think the aim is to basically
01:26:09
I mean I don't really have a major aim
01:26:11
um at the moment is just get my mind
01:26:13
right, get my brain right, find the
01:26:14
things that work for me, get them into
01:26:17
um like a routine that's I don't have to
01:26:20
think about. Um so that's my ultimate
01:26:23
goal at this point is to just get that
01:26:24
[ __ ] sorted first. um get off the stupid
01:26:27
bleeder blockers so I can actually start
01:26:30
doing [ __ ] Um and then yeah, go from
01:26:34
there. I think that's my goal at this
01:26:35
point is get my head right first.
01:26:37
>> Yeah, you you you're you're so driven
01:26:39
though. I I can't wait to see what you
01:26:40
do and what you achieve in your life cuz
01:26:42
there's there's a lot more to come. Um
01:26:43
so what are you doing for money? Like
01:26:46
there was the give a little page which
01:26:47
um
01:26:48
>> there was an this this is at the time of
01:26:49
the um explosion. There was an
01:26:51
outpouring of support. $120,000 from
01:26:54
thousands of small amounts, which is
01:26:56
which is humbling. I'm guessing that
01:26:58
money is all gone. That was years ago.
01:27:00
>> Um,
01:27:02
no, no, I don't mean that in a
01:27:04
>> No, I'm just trying to think. Uh,
01:27:05
>> just day-to-day expenses and whatnot.
01:27:07
>> Yeah. So, cuz, um, like I have ACC cuz
01:27:10
obviously it's a workplace incident.
01:27:12
>> Oh, okay.
01:27:12
>> Um, so ACC has been amazing. They've
01:27:15
been incredible. Um,
01:27:17
>> so how much do you get like 80% of your
01:27:18
income, the whole thing or
01:27:20
>> 80%? Yeah. Yeah. So, they pay 80% of my
01:27:23
wage. Um,
01:27:24
>> is that for the rest of your life or
01:27:27
>> until when if I go back to work?
01:27:31
>> So, I just Yeah. If I can get my head
01:27:32
right and get the PTSD thing sorted,
01:27:34
then I can probably work.
01:27:36
>> Um, but at the moment, like any kind of
01:27:38
stress and I'm like and can't function.
01:27:40
So, it's like no one's going to want
01:27:42
that. [laughter]
01:27:43
>> I don't want that.
01:27:44
>> Unless it's one of those restaurants
01:27:46
like um there was one that opened in
01:27:47
Oakland called Karens where
01:27:49
>> I'd be great there. I'm a thrive.
01:27:51
>> People go there to be abused by the
01:27:52
staff.
01:27:53
>> I'm thrive. [laughter] Um maybe I need
01:27:55
to do that. Um yeah, so at at the moment
01:27:57
it's just get that [ __ ] sorted. Um but
01:28:00
yeah, so ACC and yeah, so I had to give
01:28:03
a little page which was just oh man,
01:28:04
that blew my mind. Like that made me cry
01:28:06
cuz
01:28:07
>> Oh, it's humbling. It's people you don't
01:28:08
know. And that's, you know, you were
01:28:10
saying before about some of the mean
01:28:11
things that people wrote online. Yeah.
01:28:13
>> The give a little people. They're
01:28:15
they're the majority in New Zealanders.
01:28:16
Like not everyone's got money to give,
01:28:18
but that that represents most New
01:28:21
Zealanders.
01:28:21
>> Yeah. And I I remember when mom
01:28:23
>> mom showed it to me like this is when
01:28:25
things had all started unraveling.
01:28:27
>> Um and I was in hospital. It was Yeah.
01:28:29
December still sometime. And mom was
01:28:31
saying like this give a little set up
01:28:33
for you. I was like, "Oh, nice. That's
01:28:35
that's good." And she was just like, "Do
01:28:37
you want to have a look at it?" And I
01:28:38
was just like, "Yeah, right." And so she
01:28:41
showed me the phone and my broken little
01:28:43
head thought it was 9 grand and I was
01:28:46
like oh my god that's so amazing like n
01:28:48
grand and mom was like n and I was like
01:28:51
yeah 9 grand cuz she taken the phone at
01:28:53
this point. Um, and she was like, "It's
01:28:56
not 9 grand, it's 97 grand."
01:29:00
>> And I was like, "What? Show me." And she
01:29:03
showed me again. And then it was like
01:29:04
scrolling through the squeeze of
01:29:06
messages. And I just like burst into
01:29:08
tears. And it was like, "Are you kidding
01:29:10
me?" Like, "This is amazing." And some
01:29:12
of them were like ex um people I took on
01:29:14
my island and some of them were like
01:29:15
people I hadn't heard from since god
01:29:17
knows when. It was amazing. It was just
01:29:19
incredible.
01:29:20
>> Yeah. Yeah, I guess in a lot of ways the
01:29:21
like the comments that people wrote when
01:29:22
they made a donation meant just as much
01:29:24
if not more than the money they
01:29:26
>> Yeah, it was amazing. And so um when the
01:29:28
Give a Little page actually closed, mom
01:29:30
got every single message printed out
01:29:34
from Give a Little and is like put them
01:29:36
all together. So I've got them forever
01:29:37
now. So I can just like read through
01:29:39
them and it's just really nice.
01:29:40
>> Oh, that must be nice if you're having a
01:29:41
rough day.
01:29:42
>> Yeah.
01:29:43
>> So what are the biggest learnings about
01:29:44
yourself in this whole thing? Are are
01:29:46
you tougher than what you thought you
01:29:48
were? Stronger than what Yeah. shitty.
01:29:50
>> Yeah.
01:29:51
>> And like people say, "I could never get
01:29:53
through what you've got through." And
01:29:54
it's just like, "Well, I don't have you
01:29:55
don't have a choice." Like when you're
01:29:56
in that position, it's like your options
01:29:58
are curl up in a ball and let the scar
01:30:00
tissue take over and die. Or it's just
01:30:04
go this [ __ ] sucks and keep going.
01:30:06
Like I've tried both ways and really
01:30:09
both of them suck, but one of them sucks
01:30:10
way more and it Yeah. destroys
01:30:13
everything around you as well. So it's
01:30:15
like you got to keep going. You have to
01:30:16
find the help. you have to keep going
01:30:18
and just make the best out of what
01:30:21
you've got left. Like otherwise, what's
01:30:23
the point?
01:30:25
>> That's probably a great way to end it.
01:30:27
Oh, c can I ask like why did you why did
01:30:29
you you you are like generally quite
01:30:31
private like I know you've been on that
01:30:33
Netflix movie. You share a bit on your
01:30:35
own terms on your own Instagram. Um but
01:30:37
you don't do a lot of this stuff and I
01:30:38
I'm so grateful that you did, but why
01:30:42
why did you agree to come here today?
01:30:44
Um I I guess yeah cuz last year was so
01:30:48
bad for me. Um possibly my worst I would
01:30:52
say mentally my worst. Um I've kind of
01:30:55
got a bit more of a [ __ ] it attitude
01:30:57
now. And so um yeah, [laughter] that's
01:31:02
mostly it. I'm kind of just trying to
01:31:04
just just do more things and try more
01:31:07
things and yeah, just try and be a bit
01:31:09
more of a yes guy instead of a hermit
01:31:11
guy.
01:31:12
>> Yeah. Well, and I'm I'm so pleased you
01:31:14
did because I I think you're remarkable
01:31:16
and I think there's a lot of lot of
01:31:17
people that can get a lot of good from
01:31:18
your story. Um because like what you've
01:31:20
been through is unimaginable and the way
01:31:22
that you've deal dealt with it with um
01:31:24
like a fair amount of grace and
01:31:25
humility. It's just remarkable. And all
01:31:28
those um words we talked about before
01:31:31
that you curl your toes up at like um
01:31:33
you're heroic and and brave and strong
01:31:36
and whatever else. They're they're all
01:31:38
absolutely true and you you should be
01:31:40
giving yourself a pat on the back for
01:31:41
the work you've done because no one's
01:31:43
motivating you to do it. You got to do
01:31:45
it all yourself unfortunately and you
01:31:46
have and you are and you continue to do
01:31:48
so.
01:31:50
>> Thank you.
01:31:50
>> I think we'll end it at that. Eh,
01:31:52
>> all right.
01:31:52
>> Kelsey Wagghorn hero. Honestly,
01:31:56
if if no one comes to give you a bravery
01:31:58
award or a courage award or whatever
01:32:00
there is at some stage in the next
01:32:02
couple of years, I'm going to [ __ ]
01:32:04
buy one myself and give it to you
01:32:05
because you deserve little karate
01:32:07
statues. [laughter]
01:32:10
>> A little plastic piggy.
01:32:11
>> I can't wait.
01:32:12
>> I um you're a great New Zealander and I
01:32:15
can't thank you enough for coming on the
01:32:16
podcast today.
01:32:17
>> Thank you.
