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hey Runners only with dime Harley
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Runners only with dom Harvey and Kelsey
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wear corn g'day Kelsey hello
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good
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um do I start singing the metro station
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song it feels like every time
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do you hear that a lot that must have
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haunted you through your teenage years
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yeah
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and he died and while I was in high
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school incident every time I hear that
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song I think of him which is kind of
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nice in a way I suppose oh yeah oh what
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a down bus to start with yeah sorry bro
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yeah yeah
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um how are you thank you for coming on
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my podcast really appreciate it it's
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great to meet you in person I feel like
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I know you uh through following your
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Instagram channel for the last few years
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yeah um
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like who are you who are you oh my god
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I've forgotten who you are and then it's
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like oh yeah follow you on Instagram
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you're like I don't know you so it is a
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bit weird like yeah people know a lot
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more about me than I remember I've told
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people yeah so
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tell us about
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um Kelsey before December 9 2019.
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um who was she just from what I can see
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on Instagram
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um just a girl that loves the outdoors
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um a farm girl
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um just a girl that appreciate
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appreciates nature and uh just getting
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the most out of life yeah yeah mostly
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just there I um did Marine Science when
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I was at school in uni and so
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um yeah ended up being a job on a boat
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because that's what I wanted to do I
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just wanted to be on the sea and uh
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nailed that got a job on a boat
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um and worked on those boats for yeah
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five years in one day
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and it turned out to be one day too long
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and how was your mental health prior to
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the uh December 9
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you get through life pretty good yeah
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yeah I did have a couple of things
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um happen which yeah I upset the apple
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cart a couple of times but um nothing
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quite as Monumental as yeah what
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happened on December night but yeah
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nothing could be as Monumental as that
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what were they do you want to get into
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them or not really uh so one of them I
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was on a boat fire or boat that caught
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fire
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um and so they actually ended up burning
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to the water line and sank
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um there were 60 people on board
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including the crew and I was the second
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to last off
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um and then it was April before the
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eruption
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I had a passenger fall on another Island
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not white Island and he actually ended
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up dying unfortunately so a passenger
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had a fall yeah
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the whale Island right so um
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I hadn't really had anything
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two major or exciting happen well
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actually exciting's an interesting word
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um it's a hell of a story for the first
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time ever on my podcast I even got a box
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of um tissues I thought that'd be that'd
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be necessary do you maybe for me more
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than you how like how's your emotional
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state like do you I mean I I really
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appreciate you coming around here today
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and um like revisiting this because I'm
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sure every time you do it you have to
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brace yourself because it's not an easy
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thing to talk about
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or is it can you sort of just get
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through it on autopilot yeah it's a bit
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weird like I
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probably shouldn't be able to talk about
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it
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because you're usually um like with PTSD
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people can't really talk about their
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trauma which is totally fair enough
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um I am lucky that I can talk about it
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with kind of little to no motion
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um quite a bit of humor oh yeah a lot of
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dark humor yeah yeah so yeah I do have
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to kind of keep that quite tame because
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um obviously I'm not the only one
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involved in this so I would hate to
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upset anyone or someone take offense to
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something I've said so I do have to kind
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of sense and my humor online
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um which is quite funny it's um there's
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a lot of um yeah pretty dark humor in my
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sort of private chats my friends and
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family but yeah try to tame it a little
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bit
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um publicly I suppose yeah well there's
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a couple of other people I've had on the
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podcast um there's a guy Joseph Sullivan
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who's um an Olympic gold medalist and
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America's Cup winner now is a
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firefighter and he said they get by with
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black humor so on their way home from
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events they'll you know make jokes about
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it
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another guy I had in the podcast is um
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yeah Billy Evans who's the former Police
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Commissioner of Boston he was there when
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the bombing went off and he said often
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after after like um you know Murder or
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tragedy
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um you know your cops will be seen like
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laughing at the scene and members of the
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public will be like you know what the
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[ __ ] are they laughing about it's
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inappropriate but he said it's just a
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common coping mechanism yeah yeah
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the eruption happening but um yeah
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definitely hospital that got me through
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a lot of um pretty [ __ ] times and um
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yeah even still still make a lot of
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jokes about
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just anything anything and everything
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nothing's um sort of I guess off topic
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and my family especially so yeah it's um
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yeah quite funny having to sort of sense
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myself out in public because yeah I
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would hate someone to take offense to it
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or think that I'm being insensitive but
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then it's kind of like of course you're
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alive I'm involved in it as well so it's
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not like I'm just like yeah being a dick
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right
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I deal with it it's just your life
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through I've cried enough about it gotta
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get some laughs out of it we we where
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does that come come from I said in your
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DNA or is it just like how you were
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raised with your family
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um Pro yeah definitely both
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um
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yeah and I like to have a laugh so yeah
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I think it's just yeah it's been
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ingrained into me from day dot I think
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so you're still the the you're still the
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same person yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I
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guess yeah I I was probably more
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extroverted beforehand and I'm probably
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a bit more introverted now
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um
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yeah trauma will do that too I suppose
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changes you a little bit but um yeah I
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guess still at heart still the same
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person still fun same thing's funny
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still get the same joy out of all the
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things they used to love still want to
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be on the sea still want to be outside
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all that kind of stuff yeah yeah you got
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such a good attitude is there any there
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any words that you hate like um being
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called Brave or courageous or
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inspirational yeah I don't hate them I
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guess it's just a bit hard like
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um like a few of my friends who know
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they're like all the nitty-gritties
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about what happened
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um there's a couple of them which always
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say like I like use the word hero and
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then I get people being like you're so
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positive
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um and you're so yeah inspirational and
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stuff and it's like I'm just trying to
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[ __ ] survive man like I'm not trying
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to be any of these things I'm just
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trying to like stay alive and it seems
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to be quite hard for me so
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um or not I suppose because yeah I keep
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kind of dodging bullets which left right
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and Center so yeah there's this running
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joke in my family now where it's like um
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if the apocalypse happens it's gonna be
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me and the Cockroaches
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so I don't know if that's a good or a
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bad thing
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how long was it after they um after the
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um the explosion on white Island that
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your family could see you in the
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hospital and make jokes did they sort of
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wait for you to make the jokes before
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they started
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um well for the first
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um I think it was 10 days I was in ICU
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and for those 10 days they wouldn't tell
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my family whether they thought I was
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going to survive or not
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um because obviously you don't want to
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give false hope in those sorts of
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situations because so much can go wrong
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with Burns
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um in those early days and those were
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all sort of
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um acute moments like yeah they didn't
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want to give my family false hope
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because it was it was pretty Grim
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um so for the first 10 days is
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definitely not a lot of joking um even
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if there was I couldn't tell you what
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was going on because I was so high on
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drugs I didn't know what was real and
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what wasn't I was seeing a lot of stuff
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and I remember a lot of stuff from ICU
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but none of it's real so that's very
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weird just the morphing yeah just yeah
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hell a lot of ketamine I think a lot of
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it was so um now even when I have
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surgeries I'm like don't give me
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ketamine I can't remember Hospital not
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Festival grade yeah yeah yeah yeah so it
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was like the good stuff I have a really
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good stuff but yeah I was seeing some
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wacky [ __ ] and yeah so now every time I
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have a surgery I'm like don't give me a
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kid I mean unless I need it and they're
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just like okay
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I want to get into that we'll get into
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that in due course just because it seems
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astonishing to me that you can be um you
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know coherent and conscious all the way
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through the 90-minute boat ride and
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through the explosion see your family
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recognize your family
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um to then being in a situation for the
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next couple of weeks where it's touch
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and go so I want to get into that I'm
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sure you've learned a lot about Burns
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over the last
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um a few years but
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um first of all have you seen the
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Netflix movie
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yeah yep yep I have tell me about that
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watching experience
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did you watch it when it first came out
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or did they send you like an advanced
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copy or they sent me an advanced call
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the
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um court cases and stuff like I'm just
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trying to protect my own skin
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um
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so I do like to be able to see it ahead
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of time so that if there's anything in
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there I'm like oh that could be
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misconstrued or taken the wrong way and
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um I guess yeah be used against me or
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one of my colleagues I do ask if I can
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see it so that if there's any changes I
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would like made to clear things up then
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um yeah I do that so they did that for
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me which was really cool
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um yeah and so did um
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oh I can't remember the name of it now
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the one that I did in the first year uh
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I think it was TV3 right I can't
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remember now yeah
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um
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yeah because I knowing that you were
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coming around today I watched that a
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couple of nights ago
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um just me sitting here and I've been to
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wire Island before many many years ago
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but I've got no other connection to it
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really and it was a hard watch for me so
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I I can't imagine you know what it's
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like watching it when you're involved
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with it and this is your reality now
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yeah yeah who do you who do you sit down
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and watch it with
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do it the privacy of my own room where
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no one can watch me so I said you're a
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tough cocky at yeah I sort of imagined
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I'm just a [ __ ] yeah I'm just a
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stubborn [ __ ] really I think I think
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you just made from some tough stuff
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right is it is it a hard watch for you
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um I get I don't know I I don't really
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remember it now I've only watched it
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once and I kind of keep saying because
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like people ask like what do you think
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of the Netflix documentary I'm like oh
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what I can remember it was fine
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um but I guess the whole way through it
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I was
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um more critiquing what was fact and
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what wasn't the whole way through it so
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it was just like I guess it probably
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wasn't really paying attention to the
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whole thing it was like yup that facts
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correct that's correct yep that's
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correct like just kind of fact checking
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the whole way through it
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um but there is one bit of footage in
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there which kind of took me by surprise
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and it's um from from my group from one
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of the girls in my group and um I think
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I might be wrong so hopefully I'm not
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wrong but um she basically as we went to
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run
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um for cover she put her phone in her
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pocket and accidentally hit record and
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so the whole thing is recorded and um
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they put the first little bit of that in
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there and I've been like specifically
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told by the police don't watch that
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piece of footage because it's pretty
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horrible like you can't see anything but
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you can hear everything which obviously
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is not great
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um and I get triggered really bad with
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noises and audio and so that came up and
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I instantly knew what it was and I was
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just like oh my God oh my God and I just
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decide do I shut the computer do I block
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my ears and so I kind of didn't Focus
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for probably the next couple of minutes
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and thankfully I didn't put all the
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really nasty stuff in which is really
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really good
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um what's what I'll I mean you may not
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even know what the real nasty stuff is
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like screaming yeah yeah yeah yeah so
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the whole the whole I think there's
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about 20 minutes of footage of the whole
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thing and you can just hear everything
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and me yelling
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um but yeah so yeah you you say yelling
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at your group but you um you still had
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your work hat on yeah so you were
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working which is which is [ __ ]
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astonishing to me because I suppose
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there's two types of people and you
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don't know if you're going to be a fight
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or flight person until you're in that
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situation but the fact that you were
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like
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um worrying about your group and not
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thinking about self-preservation [ __ ] I
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mean does it does that make you proud of
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yourself makes me proud of you
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I don't know like it's incredible it's
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incredible yeah I guess you're in the
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same position as all these other people
00:13:06
that you don't know from a Barra so yeah
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yeah I um
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I have a friend who um
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like what I did and um she keeps yeah
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like I said saying saying the H word
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hero and stuff and it's just like I
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don't know it just it feels weird it's
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just I don't know I I did
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what I thought anyone else would do and
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just reacted to the situation as fast as
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I could and
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I don't know it yeah it is what it is
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for me and it's not something that I
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brag about or talk about or even think
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about yeah yeah it's just it just is
00:13:45
what it is and I kind of just yeah I
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don't know I don't
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I don't know it just feels weird to talk
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about and it just feels weird for people
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to be like why don't you tell people
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this and it's just like why would I why
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would I walk around being like
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hey look this is what I did and it's
00:14:02
just like it's just weird I was like I
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don't know I just feel like I'm turning
00:14:05
my own horn and it's just that's wrong
00:14:06
and yeah and I mean like so many people
00:14:08
did so much that day like people did way
00:14:11
more than what I did
00:14:12
um and yeah I mean the pilots that went
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in there when everyone was saying it's
00:14:17
too dangerous and they were just like
00:14:18
and just went on the island
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um like I mean they're my heroes like
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they didn't bring me home but [ __ ] I'm
00:14:24
so grateful for them
00:14:26
um yeah and like obviously the Skippers
00:14:28
of my um company who came back for us
00:14:31
um yeah they are the ones that I would
00:14:35
yeah hold up a flag for them any day
00:14:38
yeah
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well I think yeah I think it's heroic
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so you you your Instagram it's it's
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amazing because you're quite a regular
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um poster on Instagram why am I I think
00:14:51
so yeah
00:14:53
um and you scroll back and it's um I I
00:14:55
feel like it gives an interesting
00:14:56
insight into
00:14:57
um you know the person you are the
00:14:59
person you were and the person you are
00:15:01
now and there's not a lot of difference
00:15:02
between the two there's still that black
00:15:04
humor there
00:15:05
um you still seem to love the outdoors
00:15:07
love the fresh air love animals yeah
00:15:10
um but if you go back to October 2019
00:15:13
um on your Instagram there's a photo of
00:15:15
white island with steam coming out and
00:15:17
the caption not bad good stories
00:15:20
yeah well it's it's great yeah that's
00:15:23
great so
00:15:24
um and then there's an appreciation Post
00:15:25
in late November 2019 for your dog you
00:15:28
say so much love for this little punk
00:15:29
yeah and then um in this sort of radio
00:15:32
silence on Instagram until
00:15:34
um late January 2020 from hospital it's
00:15:36
just a random photo of a landscape um
00:15:39
with a caption thanking people can I can
00:15:41
I read some of this out okay yeah is
00:15:43
this way bullet issues
00:15:45
again I think the tissues are for me
00:15:47
rather than you
00:15:49
um thank you doesn't seem like a big
00:15:50
enough word to my family and partner
00:15:51
have been by my side from day one
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through the low lows to the baby's first
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step highs you've been through hell with
00:15:58
me and I'm lost for words into how to
00:16:01
thank you all I just keep pushing
00:16:02
forward and hope that I will do uh do
00:16:05
that for you now can't wait to be home
00:16:08
yeah which again I think it says a lot
00:16:10
about you it's not a post saying hey
00:16:12
guys I'm here I'm fine it's you again
00:16:15
thinking about other people
00:16:18
yeah I know
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I don't know if like I was in a
00:16:27
situation I was in hospital when was
00:16:29
that January something yeah that was um
00:16:31
late January yeah so like a month a
00:16:34
month and a bit afterwards yeah so six
00:16:36
weeks ago end of January I would have
00:16:37
been close to moving up to waikato
00:16:40
hospital because that's my regional
00:16:42
Burns unit
00:16:44
um from hat hospital where I was
00:16:46
originally taken
00:16:48
um I was just grateful to everyone who'd
00:16:51
looked after me like
00:16:53
my family were like holding the gas when
00:16:57
um my when I write to have like my
00:16:58
sheets changed all dressings changed um
00:17:01
in my bed and it was just like I think
00:17:04
that scarred them for life like they
00:17:06
were having to hold this gas and I was
00:17:07
on like eight different types of pain
00:17:09
medication just to change the sheets on
00:17:11
my bed because I was just in so much
00:17:13
pain why is that because you your skin
00:17:15
sticks to the sheets and they have to
00:17:16
sort of Peel you off or what do you mean
00:17:18
so
00:17:20
um I was lucky that half of my of my
00:17:23
grafting was done while I was in ICU and
00:17:26
in the coma so my arms and hands were
00:17:29
done early on so the pain I was in ICU I
00:17:34
kind of I remember being really
00:17:35
uncomfortable and not being able to move
00:17:37
but I don't really remember it but I
00:17:40
remember my legs being done because my
00:17:42
legs were done at the end of December
00:17:43
and I was on the ward
00:17:45
um they'd reduced my medication
00:17:47
um which is hotly debated and my family
00:17:49
is with it it was the right thing to do
00:17:52
um and then
00:17:54
um yeah so that was done on quite low
00:17:57
medication and so when I came out of
00:17:59
surgery for the grafting
00:18:02
um I was an absolute agony like they'd
00:18:05
just put taking scan off my back my butt
00:18:08
and my thighs and just stuck it to my
00:18:09
legs and
00:18:12
I think they already did my legs in and
00:18:13
just touched up a few things on my hands
00:18:15
and stuff like that
00:18:16
um and like they staple it on it's not
00:18:19
it's not like always glue or stitches
00:18:21
it's Staples and so like I could see
00:18:23
Staples sticking out the top of my like
00:18:25
bandages and I had them like around my
00:18:27
shoulder where I could see them it was
00:18:29
just like the weirdest thing and I just
00:18:31
felt like Frankenstein's monster
00:18:33
um but like so where they took all the
00:18:35
skin from so my entire backside was just
00:18:38
a raw open wound and so it was like yeah
00:18:42
just being this massive gray is just and
00:18:44
covering my entire back and so every
00:18:46
time like
00:18:47
um I would need to go to the bathroom or
00:18:51
um yeah need my sheets changed but I
00:18:53
wasn't due to go to theater they would
00:18:55
have to roll me in bed to basically roll
00:18:59
the sheets up on one side roll me over
00:19:01
the lump of sheets and then roll the
00:19:03
rest up and pull it out and then do it
00:19:04
all again to unroll Fresh sheets so um
00:19:07
if you can imagine that on entirely open
00:19:09
wounds and then let's say when people
00:19:13
were trying to grab you and it's like
00:19:14
they can't grab your arms because
00:19:15
they've just been grafted two weeks ago
00:19:16
can't grade beliefs because they were
00:19:18
grafted a week ago can't touch your
00:19:20
entire backside because that's all open
00:19:22
wound it's like so really they've got
00:19:24
like not much to hold on to so it was
00:19:26
kind of just like we're going to grab
00:19:28
all your sore bits and you're just gonna
00:19:30
have to like it and lump it basically it
00:19:31
was just like we've got to get this done
00:19:32
and it was just like all right and that
00:19:35
was horrific every time and yeah my
00:19:37
family would hold the gas in my mouth
00:19:39
while I'd roll me and I'd just be like
00:19:41
staring at them just like make the stop
00:19:43
so just like pleading with them and just
00:19:45
screaming at them and so like nurses
00:19:48
were leaving crying and it was just it
00:19:50
was traumatic for everyone so I was just
00:19:53
so grateful that my family was there
00:19:55
every single day every single day from
00:19:58
like before opening like before they
00:20:00
would let visitors and they were like
00:20:02
banging on the door to come in
00:20:04
um until like 11 o'clock at night and
00:20:06
they would basically just sleep on the
00:20:07
floor of my room and just like in this
00:20:09
hideous armchair and they were just
00:20:13
there all the time so I was just so
00:20:14
grateful for them and then obviously the
00:20:16
nurses had just yeah gone above and
00:20:19
beyond to yeah save our lives and keep
00:20:22
us as comfortable as possible and yeah
00:20:24
they're just yeah I open my lifestyle's
00:20:26
just really grateful yeah oh that's
00:20:28
really nice and then um
00:20:30
so so we'll go right back what are your
00:20:33
what are your memories of that day it
00:20:35
was a [ __ ] day on the Water right
00:20:36
was it was it a real bumpy day no I
00:20:39
don't know I'm on the Netflix movie they
00:20:41
talk about everyone being seasick yeah
00:20:43
like have you just got a strong I I
00:20:45
don't remember the last time it was
00:20:46
seasick
00:20:47
um I've been out in some pretty big
00:20:50
City
00:20:51
so it's a rough day for the tourists but
00:20:53
it was winter okay
00:20:55
but yeah I mean it probably looked worse
00:20:58
than what it was but the boat we had
00:21:00
um it was a brand new boat
00:21:03
um it had only been in operation since
00:21:04
April that boat was Notorious for making
00:21:07
people sick like it made crew sick there
00:21:10
was a couple of days I remember where I
00:21:12
was the only crew member working and
00:21:13
everyone else was vomiting and it was
00:21:15
like me versus 30 people vomiting and it
00:21:17
was like this is the best oh my God so
00:21:20
um yeah it was it wasn't a rough rough
00:21:23
day it was just yeah it was bumpy but it
00:21:26
just seemed to set people off and and
00:21:28
this you were experienced like you must
00:21:30
have loved this job because you had it
00:21:31
for like five years you said
00:21:33
um so there's no way
00:21:35
like there's there's no sort of inkling
00:21:37
or anything that anything was wrong or
00:21:39
untowards or out of the ordinary no I
00:21:41
was a little too but it had been a level
00:21:42
two before and
00:21:45
nothing had ever happened and well that
00:21:47
that um that scale thing seems really
00:21:49
weirdo so level one sweet as level two
00:21:53
should it should be right level three no
00:21:54
good is that pretty much it it's
00:21:57
a three-point scale it's
00:22:05
it's don't need to check that now
00:22:07
um so level one was minor volcanic
00:22:10
unrest level two
00:22:12
I'm really wrecking my brain now
00:22:14
um level two was moderate to heightened
00:22:17
unrest which is where it was
00:22:20
um and then level three four and five at
00:22:22
different levels of eruption and so
00:22:24
level three
00:22:25
is basically the material thrown out in
00:22:28
the eruption stays sort of within the
00:22:30
inner crater level four is sort of on
00:22:33
white Island
00:22:34
in kind of around the round Island
00:22:36
itself five is leaving the island
00:22:39
basically so hitting the C and going
00:22:41
wherever it wants
00:22:43
um I actually don't know what level that
00:22:47
was because
00:22:48
technically I think most of it stayed in
00:22:51
the Anna crater which indicates to me
00:22:52
that there was a level three so like the
00:22:54
smallest level of eruption
00:22:57
um
00:22:58
yeah right so so the issue was like
00:23:00
where you guys were at the time of the
00:23:02
eruption which is in the creation right
00:23:03
yeah yeah yeah so it was a wind wind I
00:23:06
mean do you has your brain sort of
00:23:08
blocked it out or do you remember no no
00:23:10
so when did you realize oh [ __ ] this is
00:23:12
this is not good immediately yeah really
00:23:14
yeah yes so there's not no warning at
00:23:16
all nothing there was no noise
00:23:18
[Music]
00:23:22
I don't know there's all sorts of
00:23:23
volcanic movies but I haven't seen any
00:23:24
of them
00:23:25
um then why would you now yeah I mean I
00:23:28
probably don't need to see that now
00:23:30
um I yeah I mean you think of a volcanic
00:23:33
eruption you think like Sonic Boom
00:23:35
material I suppose and like it just like
00:23:37
shakes you to the bar and it's like
00:23:39
if we hadn't turned around we probably
00:23:41
never would have saw it coming so we
00:23:43
were just lucky that some of the
00:23:44
passengers
00:23:46
um and I think my backup guide they
00:23:49
um happened to turn around and were just
00:23:51
all go wow look at that taking photos
00:23:52
and then when I turned around it was
00:23:54
like that's not normal
00:23:58
you just so they were they were in Aura
00:24:01
of it
00:24:02
um well I mean you don't know it's not
00:24:04
normal yeah because I mean they've never
00:24:05
been there before they might have just
00:24:07
thought well this is part of the show
00:24:09
like yeah we wouldn't be here if this
00:24:10
was unsafe exactly and like and yeah so
00:24:13
I mean
00:24:15
yeah it's hard it's because like I
00:24:17
understand the
00:24:20
yeah I don't know it's just it's [ __ ]
00:24:21
being a Survivor and a crew member
00:24:24
because I obviously have all the
00:24:26
knowledge of the crew member but on the
00:24:28
other hand it's like I was also there
00:24:29
when it erupted so it's like I never
00:24:32
want that to happen to anyone ever again
00:24:34
um is that like a like Survivor guilt in
00:24:37
a way do you think not Survivor girl
00:24:39
it's just a shitty position to be in
00:24:40
because
00:24:41
um like I I I knew obviously what could
00:24:46
happen I talked about it every day for
00:24:48
five years I talked about eruptions and
00:24:51
like we probably make what we did we
00:24:53
made jokes like what happens if it
00:24:55
erupts it's like well
00:24:57
you just cross your fingers and hope
00:24:59
like how it's not pyroclastic flow and
00:25:01
what do we have and I was like as soon
00:25:04
as I saw that it was just like well
00:25:06
that's our Goose coax for lack of a bit
00:25:08
of what word it was just like well
00:25:10
that's just White Flag moment it was
00:25:12
like I know the odds of surviving that
00:25:13
so it was like what do you do what do
00:25:16
you do when you're looking at the thing
00:25:17
that's going to kill you statistically
00:25:22
and and then how quickly does everything
00:25:23
happen it does do things just go dark
00:25:25
immediately or um it was so it's really
00:25:29
weird I in my head the whole thing the
00:25:33
whole I guess
00:25:35
in our Island Experience
00:25:38
um it took about 10 minutes in my head
00:25:40
it was less than two
00:25:42
so it was very very quick which
00:25:45
is good in a way because obviously
00:25:47
that's two minutes and then it was done
00:25:49
but um
00:25:51
yeah it's yeah it was just it was the
00:25:55
slowest two minutes of my life I can
00:25:57
only imagine and yeah and you you're
00:25:59
conscious the whole time yeah yeah I was
00:26:02
but you're in you're in excruciating
00:26:04
pain or you're your body flips into some
00:26:06
sort of adrenaline mode or what oh
00:26:08
there's only so much adrenal I can do
00:26:10
when it's when it's most to your body
00:26:13
um yeah there's only so much adrenaline
00:26:14
can do so um
00:26:17
and um yeah I remember I remember the
00:26:20
feeling of my arms I don't remember my
00:26:22
legs and so I remember when I woke up in
00:26:24
hospital and was lucid
00:26:27
um I was surprised that my legs were
00:26:29
burnt and that they've been grafted and
00:26:31
then I was surprised again that the fact
00:26:33
that they look like salami but um yeah
00:26:37
it was a weird moment but um yeah what
00:26:40
were you wearing so you had your blue
00:26:42
and white stripe just tissue work
00:26:44
t-shirt t-shirt and shorts yeah and then
00:26:46
I was wearing
00:26:47
um hiking boots
00:26:49
yeah so um
00:26:50
um anything that was exposed so my um
00:26:54
her t-shirt line to fingertips
00:26:56
um short lined boot line and then my
00:26:59
lower back got burnt because when I
00:27:00
crashed down
00:27:02
um my bag made my shirt right up and
00:27:05
exposed my light back so it was
00:27:07
basically any skin that was exposed
00:27:10
um got burnt because it was all chemical
00:27:12
burns
00:27:14
so so when it's going on like what what
00:27:16
are you doing are you like writhing
00:27:18
around in pain are you are you sort of
00:27:20
killed over in the fetal position yeah
00:27:22
I'd Crouch down I
00:27:31
I knew what was going to happen which
00:27:33
didn't happen which is good
00:27:36
um what did you think was gonna happen
00:27:38
that we weren't going to make it at the
00:27:39
other side okay yeah
00:27:41
um but yes I remember it all but um yeah
00:27:44
unless you've had Burns there's no point
00:27:46
trying to describe it because I'll never
00:27:47
do it justice
00:27:49
well all I can all I can think of is um
00:27:52
like having a steam burn on on the
00:27:54
inside of my hand from a pot like a tiny
00:27:55
little thing like the size of a 50 cent
00:27:57
coin yeah and the Pain's [ __ ]
00:27:58
excruciating yeah and there's nothing
00:28:00
you can do to escape it and you put
00:28:02
several on you put frozen peas on it you
00:28:05
run under a tap or whatever nothing
00:28:07
nothing works and it's a tiny tiny tiny
00:28:09
fraction of the body yeah I'm guessing
00:28:11
it's like that even worse but just
00:28:13
everywhere yeah yeah so yeah I I had 45
00:28:16
of my body burnt
00:28:19
um
00:28:19
yeah so pretty much almost all my legs
00:28:22
almost and pretty much all my arms and
00:28:24
then yeah a little bit of my lower back
00:28:26
which wrapped around to my stomach as
00:28:27
well and then I had some um
00:28:31
what's the word I'm thinking of cosmetic
00:28:33
burns on my face and neck as well which
00:28:36
um
00:28:36
aren't as obvious and didn't get grafted
00:28:39
so I was lucky there that I managed to
00:28:40
protect my face not that that's what I
00:28:43
was trying to do but I just got lucky
00:28:45
and um because yeah I just figured if I
00:28:47
had any chance of getting off the island
00:28:49
it was I needed to be able to see and I
00:28:51
need to be able to breathe so it was I
00:28:52
had my sunglasses on and my gas mask on
00:28:54
which is actually burnt into my face
00:28:57
um and I just held them to my face and
00:28:59
so managed to yeah save the skin on my
00:29:01
face that way not that that was my aim
00:29:03
but yeah
00:29:05
so the so the eruption passes in a
00:29:08
couple of minutes then it becomes clear
00:29:09
again
00:29:17
yeah this is our opening because it was
00:29:18
kind of like well if it's going to go
00:29:20
again
00:29:21
um yeah we just have to run that rest
00:29:23
because either that will stay here yeah
00:29:24
so how how many were in your group so
00:29:27
there were 22 that died all together
00:29:30
21.
00:29:32
I think I was 21. and your group yeah
00:29:34
including me and my backup guide yeah
00:29:37
and how many of you guys made it out
00:29:41
uh oh God I'm not good at math yeah I
00:29:45
should work this
00:29:47
work this out because I keep getting
00:29:48
after and I never know but um I think
00:29:51
most
00:29:52
I think most of my group survived other
00:29:54
than a few but um so just by sheer luck
00:29:57
of where you were
00:30:00
yeah
00:30:01
um
00:30:07
place with more protection
00:30:10
um
00:30:12
yeah
00:30:13
we saw earlier I think as well so so at
00:30:16
that point so the um you're in agony the
00:30:20
explosions come and gone you're like
00:30:21
okay okay team we've got to get the [ __ ]
00:30:23
out of here are you are you still in in
00:30:26
work mode at that point or are you more
00:30:27
sort of self-preservation mode at that
00:30:30
point
00:30:31
um
00:30:31
like come on guys the boat's down there
00:30:33
I'll see you down there
00:30:42
it's probably five seconds
00:30:45
um because yoga tell us that was I was
00:30:47
running so fast trying to get things
00:30:49
trying to figure out what was going on
00:30:50
that um yeah my just so much was crammed
00:30:54
into such a small amount of time that
00:30:56
time feels longer for me yeah
00:30:59
um but yeah I convinced my group that
00:31:02
they had to get up and then
00:31:05
um yeah I just said follow me and just
00:31:06
basically walked back to the
00:31:09
Wharf
00:31:11
um and one of our other boats came back
00:31:13
for us because the boat which is lucky
00:31:15
because the boat that we came out and
00:31:17
got hit so that was full of Ash so they
00:31:20
couldn't turn that on because if they
00:31:21
turned it on it would just suck all the
00:31:23
air straight into the engine and yeah
00:31:24
seized it so
00:31:26
um yeah we got back on the other boat
00:31:28
and went home on that
00:31:32
it's remarkable right how are you um I
00:31:37
mean I'm sure it's only going to be a
00:31:38
matter of time but I mean you deserve
00:31:41
some sort of Bravery award
00:31:42
well you really do like you you laugh at
00:31:45
it and you'd never say it but you do
00:31:49
I mean like I don't know
00:31:50
I think I think you're like you're
00:31:52
downplaying the way that you acted in
00:31:54
this situation and um I'm telling you
00:31:57
not everyone would act the same way
00:32:00
I mean yeah I guess you don't know what
00:32:02
you're gonna
00:32:08
we have no idea actually because when
00:32:10
it's when you're at it you kind of
00:32:13
yeah you just act you don't really think
00:32:15
you just act and it's basically right
00:32:17
what's my best option here and you just
00:32:20
do that and you just hope for the best
00:32:22
yeah so
00:32:24
um what's that what what's the pain like
00:32:27
at that point when you when you how far
00:32:28
how's the how far is the walk back to
00:32:30
the back to where you had to get on the
00:32:31
boat
00:32:32
like a few hundred meters yeah maybe
00:32:35
150 200 years right wasn't that far we
00:32:38
were on our way back so we were halfway
00:32:40
back
00:32:41
um maybe just so halfway so and it was
00:32:45
more or less flat yeah anyway we went
00:32:48
past the helicopter that made all the
00:32:50
headlines the one that the only
00:32:51
helicopter they ever be left on my
00:32:53
Island so that's the one that was sort
00:32:55
of shaken off the platform and it was
00:32:57
covered in there so it was pushed off
00:32:58
the platform
00:33:00
um I don't know what tonnage that is I
00:33:02
don't think it's a very heavy one but um
00:33:05
I mean a ton is heavy so um it got
00:33:08
shoved off so that's a pretty good
00:33:10
indication as to how um
00:33:12
heavy and how much power that
00:33:14
pyroclastic flow had so um yeah we
00:33:17
walked past that and um yeah down to the
00:33:19
wharf and so everyone gets back on the
00:33:22
boat and that's a boat ride that you've
00:33:23
done you know just about every day for
00:33:25
the last five years so you know it's a
00:33:27
[ __ ] long way yeah
00:33:30
um like how what is it like 90 minutes
00:33:32
or something
00:33:42
15 hour 20 depending on how full it was
00:33:46
um obviously it now has two boatloads
00:33:49
with people on it or one and a half so
00:33:52
um yeah it was pretty pretty heavy so it
00:33:56
was yeah run and running hot on the way
00:33:58
home but you know the captain's going to
00:34:00
be giving it death but you'll say no
00:34:01
it's a it's a [ __ ] long way back and
00:34:02
it's a long time yeah I think we did it
00:34:04
in just over an hour I think he managed
00:34:07
to get us home in just over an hour
00:34:08
which is amazing because like you could
00:34:11
hear the boat at its absolute Peak and I
00:34:14
remember even thinking it was like come
00:34:15
on Phoenix come on pay next keep it
00:34:17
together and apparently the captain was
00:34:18
doing the same thing so that was um yeah
00:34:21
but yeah I managed to make it back with
00:34:22
no issues thankfully so what no issues
00:34:26
yes so yeah so what were you doing in
00:34:28
that boat ride you just like
00:34:29
just lying there in your own [ __ ]
00:34:31
pain
00:34:33
is that it wasn't I don't remember um
00:34:36
around me because I
00:34:41
was like yeah I was just I was sitting
00:34:43
at the back and
00:34:45
maybe about halfway back I just remember
00:34:47
being so cold I was so so cold I don't
00:34:50
know if that was shock or the fact that
00:34:53
I was wet and then the wind could have
00:34:55
been both
00:34:56
um and I said to the people that were
00:34:58
putting water on me and helping me I
00:35:00
just said I need to get inside and
00:35:01
they're like you can't walk on the boat
00:35:03
while it's going this fast and I just
00:35:05
said [ __ ] watch me and I got up and I
00:35:09
couldn't Australian my legs and I
00:35:10
couldn't straight in my arm so I was
00:35:12
like it's like a little bunched over
00:35:13
T-Rex and the boat's poofing at home and
00:35:16
so I managed to make it in I think I
00:35:18
bounced off a few things and um you
00:35:20
managed to make it inside and sit down
00:35:21
it was like listen out of the wind but
00:35:24
um yeah there was probably a hard few
00:35:27
steps for me and the poor people that I
00:35:29
was talking to
00:35:30
so so the the pain you're in then
00:35:34
I I feel like if it was me I'd pass out
00:35:36
or something from the from the pain or
00:35:38
discomfort I was him
00:35:40
yeah like how do you how do you remain
00:35:41
conscious through that
00:35:43
it just did
00:35:45
I don't think I have much of a choice
00:35:47
um I
00:35:51
conscious the whole way home
00:35:53
um
00:35:54
yeah so I never
00:35:56
never
00:35:58
passed out and and you think at that
00:36:00
point you're gonna do do you feel like
00:36:02
this is the this is it you're gonna die
00:36:04
or you never thought no I didn't I I had
00:36:07
that on the island when I saw the
00:36:09
pyroclastic flow but I think the fact
00:36:11
that we'd made it out the other side I
00:36:12
was like it's good I'd never crossed my
00:36:15
mind again it never crossed my mind that
00:36:17
because
00:36:18
even though we're off the island we
00:36:20
still weren't out of the woods so um
00:36:23
like and even still I didn't really find
00:36:25
out about what had ended up happening
00:36:29
like the loss of life and what had
00:36:31
happened when we left the island
00:36:33
um I never found out about any of that
00:36:35
until about three weeks later yeah
00:36:37
um and then it was like
00:36:38
because I was like well I'm alive so
00:36:40
everyone's alive because it was like
00:36:41
that makes sense that made sense in my
00:36:44
little brain yeah for sure yeah because
00:36:46
it was like well if we weren't supposed
00:36:47
to make it but we did I made it so
00:36:49
everyone's made it that's just I don't
00:36:51
know why that logic made sense to me but
00:36:53
it did
00:36:54
um so that was pretty brutal having that
00:36:57
rug ripped out from underneath me that
00:36:58
yeah
00:36:59
they're they're not everyone made it
00:37:02
which yeah it was horrible but um so
00:37:04
you're on the boat inspecting yourself
00:37:05
you realize it's not good
00:37:08
yeah I I or to look not so bad at the
00:37:11
time and got worse
00:37:14
um even on the island it didn't look
00:37:15
good like and so that was what seconds
00:37:17
after the actual burning and it was just
00:37:19
kind of like
00:37:21
um I heard one of the girls describe it
00:37:23
it's basically like the skin was just
00:37:25
melting almost like candle wax and I was
00:37:26
like yeah that's actually a pretty apps
00:37:28
description
00:37:29
um and even the photos I've now got from
00:37:32
hospital
00:37:34
um I think I had been debrided but you
00:37:36
can see where all the skin was just like
00:37:38
coming off and it was just here
00:37:40
basically melting off
00:37:42
so it was pretty yeah it was it was
00:37:44
weird I just remember I remember my
00:37:46
hands the most on the way home I
00:37:48
remember staring at my hands being like
00:37:49
what is happening this is weird and I
00:37:52
like never really occurring to me that
00:37:54
it was burns never really occurring to
00:37:56
me that it was going to require grafting
00:37:58
I probably never heard of grafting now
00:38:00
that I actually think about it
00:38:03
um yeah it none of that none of that was
00:38:05
going on in my head at that point it was
00:38:07
just like this is weird what is going on
00:38:10
it was just like tunnel vision of just a
00:38:12
State of Shock eh extreme shot kind of
00:38:15
like coherent normal thoughts it was
00:38:17
kind of just like what is going on just
00:38:19
the big kind of what the [ __ ] yeah yeah
00:38:22
on the other hand there were those uh
00:38:25
coherent and normal thoughts like you
00:38:26
being
00:38:27
um putting on your work hat when the
00:38:29
explosion was going on and also when you
00:38:31
got back to um the mainland
00:38:33
um this was in the Netflix documentary
00:38:35
like you spot your your mum yeah my mum
00:38:38
my nana my
00:38:45
yeah my mom my nana and my sister and I
00:38:47
was like looking at my hands looking at
00:38:49
them I was like I don't want them to see
00:38:51
me like this because I was all melty and
00:38:53
gross so I was just like melting and
00:38:55
gross society and I was in so much pain
00:38:58
so I was just like I don't no one wants
00:39:00
their family to see them in that
00:39:02
position so how far away were they
00:39:05
now what are you talking about 20
00:39:07
minutes 30 minutes yeah 20 meters like
00:39:09
so they um if you ever come to whakatani
00:39:11
wharf I can show you
00:39:17
pull down to where the way station is so
00:39:19
as we're kind of coming in quite fast
00:39:22
um I spotted them as we went past and it
00:39:24
was just like oh well I guess I'll spoke
00:39:26
quick and get out of
00:39:28
um yeah out of where they can see me
00:39:31
um
00:39:32
unbeknownst to me
00:39:33
um a couple of the cops actually knew me
00:39:35
from school in Union through my sister
00:39:38
who's friends with them and they saw me
00:39:41
go into this ambulance and they went and
00:39:43
told them they're like she's in an
00:39:44
ambulance on the way to hospital and
00:39:45
they're like what so
00:39:47
um yeah they're all moved pretty quickly
00:39:49
and then from there
00:39:51
it's pretty hazy because as soon as we
00:39:54
got there they were loading us up on
00:39:55
basically anything they could to try and
00:39:57
help with the pain
00:40:00
yeah
00:40:00
so I I can understand you not wanting to
00:40:04
and I I get you in thinking coherently
00:40:06
at the time but I can understand you
00:40:08
don't want your parents um your family
00:40:10
to see you in this um in the state but
00:40:12
then like giving them the thumbs up or a
00:40:14
wave would indicate that you're okay
00:40:15
which would have been
00:40:17
would be nice for them but I was just
00:40:19
like there was no doing thumbs up that
00:40:21
day not that afternoon and it was not a
00:40:23
thumbs up moment so it was just like it
00:40:25
would have been like no okay
00:40:28
um
00:40:28
no it was just like Nat get out of here
00:40:30
just go and say yeah to I went off the
00:40:33
front of the boat which meant going up
00:40:34
and over the rail and up onto the wharf
00:40:37
so
00:40:38
um my friend's dad had got on the boat
00:40:40
and um I was like get me off this boat
00:40:42
and I just like took off and they were
00:40:44
like um okay and so they ended up just
00:40:46
here shoving me off the boat and so
00:40:49
um yeah then got me in an ambulance
00:40:51
but again still thinking about still
00:40:53
thinking about the concerns of others
00:40:54
yeah yeah which is really really I mean
00:40:58
yeah you know you need to give yourself
00:41:00
more credit than what you do for these
00:41:01
things I am just stubborn yeah
00:41:05
good stubborn then good stubborn so I
00:41:07
know some stubborn people who are
00:41:08
complete pains in the ass but it's a
00:41:10
very unselfish um stubbornness so this
00:41:13
is the thing that I don't understand and
00:41:15
maybe you don't understand it or maybe
00:41:17
you do have more understanding now about
00:41:19
Burns and how they work but I don't
00:41:21
understand how this can happen to you
00:41:22
you're on a boat for an hour you walk
00:41:25
off the boat you get taken to hospital
00:41:26
and then for the next couple of weeks
00:41:28
there's there's a chance you might live
00:41:29
or die your life is in the balance you
00:41:31
think if you can survive the explosion
00:41:33
and you're on the boat for that long
00:41:34
that you're going to be sweet as yeah
00:41:37
um yeah and so that was kind of my
00:41:39
thought as well and there's yeah as soon
00:41:41
as the pyroclastic flow was gone I was
00:41:43
like I'm alive let's go so um it never
00:41:45
really crossed my head again that
00:41:50
yeah that it could still get worse it
00:41:54
never that never crossed my my brain it
00:41:56
was just like well we're out of here so
00:41:58
that's that's uh we're good
00:42:01
um
00:42:02
but with Burns um because of
00:42:07
because I mean Skin's your biggest organ
00:42:08
skin is well and truly your biggest
00:42:11
organ and so it is like it
00:42:13
thermoregulates it like keeps your body
00:42:15
the right temperature
00:42:17
um it stops infection in bugs and all
00:42:19
the [ __ ] getting into your body
00:42:21
um it does all the things like it sweats
00:42:23
and like yeah so it does all that
00:42:25
um
00:42:26
and so when
00:42:28
like for me 45 of that is now damaged
00:42:32
and to the point where it's not just my
00:42:34
skin that was damaged it was even below
00:42:36
there so into the muscle like fascia's
00:42:39
gone like there's bits of muscle being
00:42:41
removed like things like that so it
00:42:43
means um
00:42:44
that Skin's gone
00:42:46
um
00:42:47
so infection can get in all of a sudden
00:42:50
45 of my body doesn't regulate
00:42:52
temperature anymore so I was always
00:42:53
really really hot like I just remember
00:42:55
at hospital I was so hot all the time
00:42:57
theaters were kept at about 39 degrees
00:43:01
to keep you warm because
00:43:04
um you can't regulate your temperature
00:43:05
so the wheel went to theater I was like
00:43:07
what the [ __ ] why am I in a sauna this
00:43:10
is like torture like I suppose because
00:43:13
you're burning up like if you anyone
00:43:14
that's had sunstroke will know yeah but
00:43:16
the last thing you want to do the next
00:43:17
day is be in direct sunlight because
00:43:19
yeah yeah and like um once
00:43:22
obviously
00:43:24
organ has been removed you're just
00:43:26
literally like it's just down to the
00:43:28
muscle like all your muscles exposed so
00:43:31
then obviously the risk of infection is
00:43:33
massive and then you have the donor site
00:43:35
which they then remove as well so that's
00:43:37
my entire back so now you're thinking
00:43:39
legs are open arms are open back is open
00:43:42
so that's like over well and truly over
00:43:45
50 of my body is currently not
00:43:46
functioning my biggest organ is
00:43:48
currently not functioning and then I did
00:43:51
get infections I got
00:43:52
um a couple of infections um one of them
00:43:55
I got in my donor site and
00:43:57
um they had to graft my legs because the
00:43:59
cadaver skin I had on my legs only lasts
00:44:02
about 14 days so they had to take that
00:44:04
off which means they had to graph me or
00:44:06
get more cadaver skin and that skin from
00:44:09
like a a recently deceased person or so
00:44:12
organ donors you have to specify that
00:44:14
you you want to skin donated as well
00:44:16
which definitely do that because
00:44:19
obviously that's massive people don't
00:44:21
think about this kind of [ __ ] no not an
00:44:23
organ donor and you think organ donor
00:44:25
it's all effects kidney heart lies
00:44:28
whatever
00:44:30
um it actually doesn't include skin so
00:44:32
you actually have to make a specific
00:44:33
point like
00:44:35
include my skin my skin is an organ take
00:44:37
my skin because I mean you don't need it
00:44:38
when you did
00:44:39
but
00:44:41
like don't be selfish don't take it
00:44:43
don't take it with you leave it behind
00:44:45
yeah what's it going to do in there your
00:44:47
second life reduce reuse recycle come on
00:44:50
um wow and so like I got I got a couple
00:44:53
of infections um to the point where I
00:44:55
know that one of the antibiotics I was
00:44:57
on they were drip feeding it to me and
00:44:59
it was like I don't know it was like so
00:45:02
toxic that basically it was getting like
00:45:04
a little drop every like 15 minutes or
00:45:06
half an hour otherwise if they gave it
00:45:07
to me all at once it would kill me and
00:45:09
it was like red I want that on my body
00:45:11
so
00:45:12
um like the massive risk of infection
00:45:15
um and then obviously thermoregulation I
00:45:17
could overheat or I could totally cool
00:45:19
down and just dropped it so like there's
00:45:22
so many things that can go wrong with
00:45:24
Burns okay and um ICU those first 10
00:45:27
days it wasn't until they kind of got
00:45:29
that 10 day back and they managed to sit
00:45:32
me up on the side of the bed which was
00:45:33
horrible
00:45:35
um and was that why just the pain of
00:45:37
sitting up oh when you've been lying
00:45:39
down for 10 days and you've not really
00:45:40
moved yourself in 10 days it's like I've
00:45:43
had like you lose
00:45:45
so much muscle mass so fast if you're
00:45:47
not moving if you're not using it you
00:45:49
literally lose it so um 10 days of not
00:45:52
moving and not using my muscles like I
00:45:54
was being moved in theater I had a
00:45:55
physio who would come into theater and
00:45:58
while I was knocked out would be in
00:45:59
there like stretching everything and
00:46:00
bending everything
00:46:02
and then yeah so basically then they
00:46:05
sent me up before I left was allowed to
00:46:07
leave ICU it was horrible I still
00:46:09
remember it now and I was still like
00:46:11
seeing double and didn't know where I
00:46:14
was and it was just like this woman who
00:46:16
just kidnapped me she had actually she
00:46:18
was a nurse
00:46:19
um which I remember sit up on the side
00:46:20
of the bed and it was a slight insulted
00:46:22
injury it's like you've just kidnapped
00:46:23
me if you sit up it was just like this
00:46:25
is not fair
00:46:27
um
00:46:27
yeah and then it was just like gone up
00:46:29
on the ward and then um yeah still had
00:46:32
issues with
00:46:34
um
00:46:35
infection and then there was a day where
00:46:41
a day it was not long after my legs got
00:46:44
done where the graphs didn't look like
00:46:45
they were actually going to take and I
00:46:47
was in so much pain I don't actually
00:46:48
remember anyone telling me that that's
00:46:50
what the surgeon has said after that
00:46:51
dressing change
00:46:53
um they'd basically just everyone looked
00:46:54
pretty depressed and it was like we're
00:46:57
gonna have to do this again
00:46:59
so it meant waiting for my back and
00:47:02
everything to heal enough to take it
00:47:05
again for the third time and I was at
00:47:07
Aggie I thought I'm not doing this again
00:47:08
it was like but you need skin so it's
00:47:09
like you need to do it again but
00:47:11
thankfully they did take so I didn't
00:47:12
have to do that again so there's the um
00:47:14
cadaver skin cadaver cadaver cadaver's
00:47:18
gonna make you talk about and also the
00:47:19
um skin graft from your own body where
00:47:21
did they take that from your bag
00:47:23
uh yeah so it I was lucky they lucky
00:47:27
um they took it from my back my butt and
00:47:29
my thighs so if I was wearing shorts it
00:47:30
just looks like I've been attacked with
00:47:31
a cheese slice basically one of those
00:47:33
ones where you can get the slices still
00:47:35
now yeah yeah you can still see the
00:47:37
scars my back's red well it's not red
00:47:40
now it's kind of paint but it's
00:47:42
definitely a different color to the rest
00:47:43
of my normal skin
00:47:45
wow so how many how many surgeries all
00:47:48
up
00:47:52
17.
00:47:54
I think it's 17. wow
00:47:57
um which I think yeah it's it's number
00:47:59
17 or 18 this year so I'm waiting on one
00:48:02
more
00:48:03
um for yeah this year which will be year
00:48:05
number 17 or 18. I think all right yeah
00:48:09
so then
00:48:10
um so it's like two weeks after the
00:48:12
eruption where you sort of come out of
00:48:14
the coma or regains the Consciousness so
00:48:17
I was in the comment for five days in
00:48:19
ICU for ten right yeah
00:48:22
so half of my time in ICU was conscious
00:48:26
and the other half not so much so what
00:48:28
are your earliest sort of coherent
00:48:30
memories of sort of coming out of the
00:48:31
Mist I guess I remember coming out of
00:48:33
the coma
00:48:35
um and
00:48:37
it's from what my parents have told me
00:48:39
because they were there in the morning
00:48:41
they were like we're gonna wake her up
00:48:42
today anyway I was like yes yeah we can
00:48:44
talk to Kelsey
00:48:46
um and the doctor came in I don't know
00:48:49
how they do it so I'm probably gonna get
00:48:50
this a bit wrong but basically adjusted
00:48:52
the meds or whatever to wake me up and
00:48:54
he was like it should take about 20
00:48:55
minutes I'll come back in about 20
00:48:57
minutes and
00:48:58
um we can go from there
00:49:00
left to go see the other patients
00:49:03
because obviously I'm not the only one
00:49:04
in the hospital
00:49:05
um literally as soon as he left I woke
00:49:09
up and everyone was like give the doctor
00:49:11
because I'm gagging because I've got
00:49:13
tubes down my throat and I can't move
00:49:16
and so I'm getting really stressed
00:49:17
because it's like it felt like being
00:49:19
just like pinned to the bed and
00:49:21
something's in my throat and it was like
00:49:23
I can't breathe it was like my eyes were
00:49:25
like this and so I couldn't see
00:49:27
um I didn't know what was going on I
00:49:29
could hear my dad's voice I remember my
00:49:31
dad's voice my mum was there as well but
00:49:34
um
00:49:34
it got I got so stressed mum actually
00:49:37
had to leave because she just couldn't
00:49:39
handle it which is fair
00:49:41
um it's so distressing I mean yeah your
00:49:43
daughter's in this um discomfort and
00:49:44
there's nothing you can do exactly and
00:49:46
they can't find the doctor doctors
00:49:47
somehow vanish off the face of the
00:49:50
planet dad's trying to calm media I
00:49:52
remember him talking to me
00:49:54
um and he's trying to tell me to calm
00:49:55
down and just breathe slowly like you're
00:49:57
fine and I'm going there's something in
00:49:59
my throat and it was just like this is
00:50:01
not mine and so um yeah I remember that
00:50:05
very very clearly I couldn't see
00:50:06
anything because it was just like my
00:50:08
eyes either had something in them or
00:50:11
just because I've been in the coma I was
00:50:12
on so much drugs they just yeah we're in
00:50:14
different directions and there was those
00:50:16
orange Haze I remember this orange Haze
00:50:18
and thinking I was in a tent and I
00:50:20
remember thinking that's not very
00:50:21
hygienic from the last time I saw my
00:50:23
body I was like this is a very hygienic
00:50:25
this is not a good place to be and now
00:50:27
I'm like choking so I was like this is
00:50:29
great this is a good way but I didn't
00:50:31
realize I've been in a coma either I
00:50:32
just thought I had a long nap and then
00:50:34
all of a sudden it was my up to all this
00:50:36
random [ __ ] and it was like what is
00:50:38
happening yeah I suppose you lose
00:50:39
complete um a sense or perspective of
00:50:42
time yeah because it's not
00:50:44
it's not you go to sleep and you you
00:50:46
wake up it's like whether it's been five
00:50:48
minutes or five days kind of doesn't
00:50:50
register at that point
00:50:52
um yeah and So eventually the doctor
00:50:53
came back because they have to make sure
00:50:55
that you are
00:50:57
properly waking up and properly going to
00:50:59
wake up because otherwise they have to
00:51:01
reintubate you while you're awake which
00:51:03
as you can imagine probably not very
00:51:05
comfortable so they did the doctor
00:51:07
that's why he the tubes weren't allowed
00:51:10
to be just pulled out it was like I had
00:51:11
to be totally awake before they were
00:51:13
going to pull those out so they didn't
00:51:15
have to put them back in and put me back
00:51:16
under yeah so so those those early
00:51:19
conversations to remember much about
00:51:20
them like what are you did you have a
00:51:22
million questions or you just sort of
00:51:24
numb I remembered it at all the doctors
00:51:26
probably won't remember
00:51:28
um it's going to be about like 50 First
00:51:29
Dates which is why they didn't tell me
00:51:32
the extent of what had happened for
00:51:33
three weeks because they would probably
00:51:35
have to tell me every day and I mean mum
00:51:38
and dad were still getting to grips with
00:51:39
what had happened and people were still
00:51:42
dying in other hospitals
00:51:43
um all that [ __ ] was still happening
00:51:45
back home with trying to get the other
00:51:47
people off the island and all the other
00:51:49
stuff so yeah
00:51:50
um they were like we're not doing that
00:51:52
for us and for her that's just not right
00:51:54
so um they yeah didn't tell me which was
00:51:57
the right thing to do it definitely was
00:51:59
um I just did what I mean didn't tell
00:52:00
you didn't tell you what had happened or
00:52:02
the extent of what was going on yeah
00:52:04
cocooned yeah so and like I would ask
00:52:07
questions I'd be like where's has Hayden
00:52:09
was Hayden and that just somehow
00:52:13
change the subject and I remember a
00:52:15
couple of times thinking that's weird
00:52:17
and then just continuing on because I
00:52:19
was just so full of drugs it was just
00:52:20
kind of like I had a brain like myself
00:52:21
so I was just like okay it's weird and
00:52:23
just carried on answering questions so
00:52:25
it was a bit weird but yeah I remembered
00:52:27
everything and the docs were quite
00:52:28
surprised by that so
00:52:30
um yeah but I'm quite glad that I do
00:52:32
remember what I remember because there's
00:52:34
no kind of question as to what happened
00:52:36
for me and I mean um yeah I'm glad I
00:52:38
remember which is morbid and weird but
00:52:43
yeah it just means there's no question
00:52:44
for me as to what happened and I'm not
00:52:46
relying on everyone else to fill in
00:52:48
those gaps and that kind of stuff yeah
00:52:49
100 so
00:52:52
um Hayden who you just mentioned he's um
00:52:55
uh he's one of your co-workers
00:52:58
um like your boss boss or up here
00:53:00
um
00:53:01
he was my boss he's one of my bosses
00:53:03
massive massive massive massive lamb
00:53:05
chops sideburns yeah the most horrifices
00:53:10
yeah all the way like all the way down
00:53:12
to the mustache line oh and in November
00:53:14
he grown up into handlebar station it
00:53:16
would be like a mustache Lamb Chop
00:53:18
hybrid and it was horrible yeah every
00:53:21
November what are your what are your
00:53:23
memories of Hayden oh so many um yeah he
00:53:26
trained me when I first started there
00:53:27
and so
00:53:29
um and he was just like we ended up
00:53:31
calling him Funko because he was like
00:53:33
our fine Uncle he was just oh he's so
00:53:35
fun like he'd like take us out to like
00:53:37
tell her where to Falls after work and
00:53:39
like we're just going to do all the real
00:53:40
fun stuff in the area and
00:53:43
um yeah like his tours were just a hope
00:53:45
and he just gave everything 110 so it
00:53:48
was just yeah he was so much fun it was
00:53:50
great
00:53:51
um and then he became one of our bosses
00:53:54
instead of one of our peers and so that
00:53:56
was a bit of an adjustment
00:53:58
um and he took his job very seriously
00:53:59
which was really really cool like
00:54:01
hindsight I wish I'd actually stopped
00:54:03
being such a little Pratt and um
00:54:05
actually just listened rather than
00:54:07
fighting him all the time
00:54:09
um so it was a bit of like brother
00:54:10
sister relationship where
00:54:13
um yeah I was always right he was always
00:54:15
right so it was just like we'd always
00:54:16
just Claire would Clash over dumb [ __ ]
00:54:18
like that
00:54:19
um and then he became a skipper which
00:54:21
was really cool so he was driving the
00:54:22
boats
00:54:24
um and yeah so it was really cool to go
00:54:27
watch him like go up through the ranks I
00:54:29
suppose to skip her and he was just so
00:54:31
proud of that achievement as well which
00:54:33
was really cool yeah and that was the um
00:54:36
so just following your Instagram Journey
00:54:38
um it was that first appreciation post
00:54:40
you did where you thanked everyone for
00:54:41
their support and you think they give a
00:54:43
little people
00:54:45
um 120 000 by the way and then the next
00:54:47
post was an appreciation post to um
00:54:49
Hayden I suppose when the reality
00:54:52
um sunken that your mate didn't make it
00:54:54
yeah it was
00:55:04
home I think I was still in hearts that
00:55:06
must have been
00:55:07
um end of January sometime because I
00:55:09
don't think I've been moved
00:55:11
um
00:55:12
but yeah I'd known for maybe a month by
00:55:15
that point
00:55:17
um
00:55:18
yeah and it just it was yeah pretty
00:55:20
horrible and then like I hadn't seen the
00:55:23
news or watched the news
00:55:25
um since it had all happened did you
00:55:27
want to or no no I'd been hearing some
00:55:30
pretty horrible stories about what
00:55:31
people were saying and what am I
00:55:35
well you don't want to go there
00:55:37
I probably shouldn't go there because
00:55:38
I'll get really worked up and then I'll
00:55:39
probably get in trouble but um
00:55:42
no no no yeah I'm just curious from from
00:55:44
my perspective because all I remember
00:55:46
from that time is just this this
00:55:47
horrible
00:55:48
um human tragedy which was just one of
00:55:50
the one of the most devastating days in
00:55:52
New Zealand history and I I certainly
00:55:54
didn't come across anyone saying
00:55:55
anything horrible about it oh I'd heard
00:55:57
also
00:56:00
I don't know if there's anything
00:56:01
malicious behind it but um I there was a
00:56:04
lot of things that were said that
00:56:06
weren't right and there are a lot of
00:56:07
things that were made up because they
00:56:09
didn't have the answers because
00:56:10
obviously everyone at the time was busy
00:56:12
trying to get people off the island and
00:56:14
trying to figure out who was where and
00:56:16
what was happening
00:56:17
um so
00:56:19
my colleagues now obviously weren't
00:56:21
talking to the press and
00:56:23
um I don't think natia was talking to
00:56:25
the Press no I was talking to the Press
00:56:26
because it was like let's just deal with
00:56:27
what's happened rather than tell you
00:56:29
what's happened you're actually not part
00:56:30
of this so people were filling in blanks
00:56:34
um there's I've got a whole bunch of
00:56:36
news stories about
00:56:39
um all these things that people have
00:56:41
said
00:56:42
um like one of them for instance was
00:56:44
that instead of looking after my group I
00:56:46
called my mom on the island
00:56:48
which is quite a feature in itself
00:56:50
because if you know why I learned
00:56:52
there's no coverage
00:56:53
um I also didn't have a phone so that
00:56:55
was pretty clever
00:56:57
um and also there was no time so it was
00:56:59
like where did you get that information
00:57:01
that's an absolute kick in the guts and
00:57:04
it may and it made me look like I I
00:57:06
don't know if people took it seriously
00:57:07
or not but it made me feel like I hadn't
00:57:10
done my job and it was like I knew that
00:57:12
it wasn't real so I knew they were just
00:57:14
full of [ __ ] but it was like
00:57:16
I didn't do that and people now think I
00:57:18
did this it was just like oh my God
00:57:19
everyone's gonna think that that's why
00:57:21
people died they're gonna think that
00:57:22
this is my fault so that was really
00:57:24
horrible and then there was stuff said
00:57:25
about the company and um yeah like
00:57:29
there's some pretty nasty [ __ ] like
00:57:31
people were just keyboard Warriors and
00:57:33
it was pretty horrible so I stayed the
00:57:35
hell away from it and my nurses wouldn't
00:57:39
let me watch TV
00:57:41
um I was there for like I was in
00:57:43
hospital for
00:57:45
I think it was like 70 something days
00:57:47
but yeah never watched TV like and what
00:57:49
else do you do in hospital other than
00:57:50
stare at the roof so it was like I never
00:57:52
watched TV the whole time because I was
00:57:53
just like I don't want to know I don't
00:57:54
want to see and because my hands were
00:57:56
all bandaged and
00:57:58
delicate I couldn't change the channel
00:58:00
so it was like if everyone left it was
00:58:04
like something came on it was like well
00:58:06
I'm just going there for like my way
00:58:08
through this yeah it's just like I'm not
00:58:09
doing that so it was just like no I'm
00:58:11
not doing this so never watch TV
00:58:14
um yeah didn't listen to the radio or
00:58:16
anything when I came home
00:58:17
um actually the only radio I did listen
00:58:19
to was the rock because they don't do
00:58:21
that [ __ ] they don't talk about that
00:58:23
kind of [ __ ] so it was just like well
00:58:25
can I can I tell you from like a like
00:58:27
the perspective of sitting here yeah I
00:58:29
just realized that you weren't on the
00:58:30
rock you were on the edge I was on the
00:58:32
Edge at the time yeah oh no no that's
00:58:35
all right that's right the raw camp
00:58:36
they're good friends of mine I know
00:58:37
you've done a bit with um Jan dank who
00:58:39
do the afternoon show on the Rock and
00:58:40
they they're a great great show but um
00:58:43
just if I may um well not even applaud
00:58:46
but just say no no other no media
00:58:48
organizations doing that that's that's
00:58:50
individual weird people online yeah no
00:58:54
media organization yeah it is it's just
00:58:57
made me real paranoid now yeah that's
00:58:59
awful and then especially with the court
00:59:00
cases it's made me just really really
00:59:02
paranoid that whatever I say is going to
00:59:05
get used wrong and whatever I
00:59:08
talk about is going to get used against
00:59:09
being caught and stuff like that so I'm
00:59:11
just like hella paranoid like so I mean
00:59:14
I've not done a lot of these sorts of
00:59:17
things and when I do it's like I want to
00:59:19
hear it before it goes anywhere like
00:59:22
um and I want the right to be able to
00:59:24
say cut that out yeah take that out well
00:59:26
you you we've been going backwards and
00:59:27
forwards for for a couple of months
00:59:29
you're you're a hard one to pin down
00:59:31
um but you you sent me a DM a couple of
00:59:33
weeks ago saying oh can you send me a
00:59:34
list of questions and I I because you
00:59:36
you were worried about the legal the
00:59:38
legal aspect not reply to you saying
00:59:39
well I don't I don't really have
00:59:41
anything I don't I don't really have any
00:59:43
questions but it's just like um it's
00:59:45
your perspective on things but I never
00:59:47
really sort of thought about it from
00:59:48
your angle that yeah and that's um
00:59:50
that's another like you what you've been
00:59:52
through is is daunting like it's been
00:59:54
enough trauma for you know 10 lifetimes
00:59:57
really let alone one and now you've got
00:59:59
this other thing hanging over your head
01:00:01
yeah and it was like even
01:00:03
um like when they told me what was going
01:00:04
on so this was like it was I think it
01:00:06
was right before my leg grafting so I
01:00:08
was around Christmas in 2019 so I'm
01:00:12
hearing about all the staff I'm hearing
01:00:13
that people have died I'm hearing
01:00:16
um basically what's going on back home
01:00:18
all that kind of stuff and then I'm also
01:00:20
hearing media are trying to break into
01:00:22
the hospital the hospital was in
01:00:23
lockdown because of you because you're
01:00:26
here every single hospital with someone
01:00:28
in it from my island is in lockdown
01:00:31
there are guards everywhere there's
01:00:33
police everywhere my family were being
01:00:36
harassed
01:00:37
um people were calling them it was like
01:00:39
how did they get their numbers
01:00:41
um they were breaking into the hospitals
01:00:42
they were dressing up in lab coats and
01:00:44
trying to get through security they were
01:00:46
lying about being a relative of mine
01:00:49
I heard that one of them burnt
01:00:51
themselves purposely to get into the
01:00:53
burns unit to try and find us and it was
01:00:56
like I'm hearing all of this while I'm
01:00:58
not strapped to the bed but I'm immobile
01:01:00
I can't fan with myself and I was like
01:01:02
so I'd have like two hours in the middle
01:01:04
of the day where I was like having a nap
01:01:07
and I just stare at the door and it was
01:01:08
like What if someone comes through the
01:01:10
camera I can't do anything I can't even
01:01:12
call the nurses because I have this
01:01:13
little husky voice because I had a tube
01:01:14
down my throat so it was like I can't
01:01:17
defend myself and then I got out of
01:01:19
hospital and it was like I started
01:01:21
seeing all this stuff in the media and
01:01:22
it was like oh my God like nowhere is
01:01:24
safe no one has got anyone's back here
01:01:27
everyone's just like it's like this big
01:01:28
media frenzy of piranha just basically
01:01:30
just ripping Treads off and it was like
01:01:33
holy [ __ ] and so it was terrifying and
01:01:35
then they're like I think I'd yet posted
01:01:37
that first um post got slammed media
01:01:40
being like we want to talk to you let's
01:01:42
do this and I was just like well
01:01:43
actually I've got this media article
01:01:45
from your work there's no way I'll talk
01:01:48
to you look what you said it's like
01:01:50
there's no way so I just delete and just
01:01:52
yeah never reply yeah also I suppose by
01:01:54
doing stuff well yeah by doing stuff on
01:01:55
Instagram it's like you control your
01:01:57
narrative yeah and so it was safe for me
01:01:59
because it was like it's your space yeah
01:02:01
exactly no one could take it over and no
01:02:03
one could misconstruate it because it
01:02:04
was like I would I'd ride it out my mom
01:02:07
read it I had my Dad read it my partner
01:02:09
at the time I'd have him read it I have
01:02:11
my sister read it and it was like can
01:02:13
you misread anything in this and it was
01:02:15
like that for months and it was just
01:02:17
like I'm I was terrified and I didn't
01:02:19
want to go into town I didn't want to
01:02:21
leave my house it was terrifying
01:02:23
oh cows that's terrible
01:02:26
sorry you went through that I know
01:02:29
that's on top of everything else no one
01:02:31
deserves that but but especially when um
01:02:34
like when when your character in conduct
01:02:36
on the island so I'm gonna go see it now
01:02:38
I'm getting all mad about my voice
01:02:44
um
01:02:46
as a media person you're thinking Jesus
01:02:49
like oh no no can I just say anyone
01:02:52
that's a music radio they're not they're
01:02:54
not media people well Jay and Duncan but
01:02:57
it's like the fact that someone could
01:02:59
accuse you of like um you know almost
01:03:02
improper conduct um during the the
01:03:04
emergency and calling your mum I'm a
01:03:06
cool mum just wait guys especially when
01:03:09
the um the way you actually handled
01:03:12
yourself as we all now know is like the
01:03:13
polar opposite of that like you went
01:03:15
above and beyond I mean that's just it's
01:03:17
heartbreaking I I can't imagine what
01:03:19
it's like I'm just trying to put myself
01:03:21
in your shoes like being in this broken
01:03:23
position where you're aching all over
01:03:25
you just you're being pulled in One
01:03:28
Direction and the other direction and
01:03:30
you know you're just stinging and you're
01:03:32
completely immobile and then the shit's
01:03:34
going on about you it's Unthinkable and
01:03:36
I'm sorry yeah and so like
01:03:38
um yeah just terrifying and it's like
01:03:40
and then
01:03:42
um the police want to talk to you
01:03:43
because obviously you're a witness now
01:03:44
you're a victim you're a witness
01:03:46
um and so it was just like Jesus now I
01:03:48
have to do that and if I say anything
01:03:50
that makes it sound like I've done
01:03:52
something wrong or a colleague's done
01:03:53
something wrong I think I have to do
01:03:54
this in court so it was like great and
01:03:57
it was like and I know if I say anything
01:03:58
to the media and I get worked up because
01:04:01
it's very easy for me to get worked up
01:04:03
about I can tell you faster is that a
01:04:06
reading thing oh look I'm like I'm the
01:04:09
worst of all of them it's like
01:04:10
red-haired Aries it's like you name it I
01:04:13
am it it's like yeah
01:04:16
I mean it's just like the perfect
01:04:18
combination of just like aggro and then
01:04:21
it's like and now and then like my brain
01:04:23
is permanently stuck and fight because
01:04:25
fight has saved my life so many times
01:04:27
it's like so now it's just like my my
01:04:30
brain just goes fight that'll save you
01:04:32
and it's just like so now it's just like
01:04:33
every it doesn't take much for me to
01:04:35
like and just like get all angsty
01:04:37
straight away and so um yeah it's pretty
01:04:39
[ __ ] but they've the final flight thing
01:04:41
well we talked about that before that's
01:04:43
um that's how you were able to conduct
01:04:44
yourself so awesomely In the Heat of the
01:04:47
yeah the Heat of the Moment and like
01:04:48
fire
01:04:50
it's great yeah but when you like drop a
01:04:51
spoon and just like want to fight
01:04:52
everyone not so good not very handy so
01:04:58
um like how are you now how's the pain
01:05:00
now what how has your life changed like
01:05:03
what can't you do
01:05:05
um I mean I'm pretty fair-skinned anyway
01:05:08
so
01:05:09
the graphs burn really easy but I'm
01:05:12
already fair skin so I already burn
01:05:14
really easy so it's like cool I've been
01:05:15
training for this my whole life so
01:05:18
that's not really changed like I can't
01:05:19
really go out in the sun and summer
01:05:22
um I can't really regulate my
01:05:23
temperature anymore so it's like I don't
01:05:24
realize I'm hot and so it's like wow I'm
01:05:26
faint I'm gonna pass out I'm too hot
01:05:29
um and then same with cold I don't
01:05:31
realize I'm cold until it's like my body
01:05:32
starts vibrating I'm the first time it
01:05:34
happened it was like because I don't get
01:05:36
goosebumps because my legs arms don't
01:05:38
have the pores or they're like any they
01:05:40
don't they don't do that anymore so all
01:05:43
of a sudden my body just starts shaking
01:05:44
because I go for I don't get goosebumps
01:05:46
and then get and I get cold get
01:05:48
goosebumps start shaking I just skip all
01:05:51
of that and go straight to shaking it's
01:05:52
the first time it happened it was like I
01:05:53
was just shaking I was like am I having
01:05:54
a seizure it's like what's happening and
01:05:57
they were like are you cold and I was
01:05:58
like No And they were just like it's
01:06:00
quite cold and you're not wearing a
01:06:02
jacket and it was like I'm not cold but
01:06:04
I'm shaking what is happening put a
01:06:06
jersey on me and it stopped and it was
01:06:07
like cool so that's new and it's like I
01:06:10
still find random little new things it's
01:06:12
like I get weird Sensations in my legs
01:06:14
and in my hands and it's just like I
01:06:16
have one and I think last week where I
01:06:18
think I was standing in the kitchen just
01:06:20
like
01:06:21
getting my supplements something like
01:06:22
that and it was like oh there's cold
01:06:24
water on my leg and looked down and it
01:06:26
was like there's nothing on my leg it's
01:06:28
just my nerves having a little white
01:06:29
back and freak out wow um so that's
01:06:32
pretty weird
01:06:33
um but otherwise that's that's your new
01:06:35
normal now that's how yeah and like
01:06:37
every time I ask someone like when will
01:06:39
the nerve pain go away because I don't
01:06:41
really want to keep
01:06:43
[Music]
01:06:45
taking no one really knows
01:06:47
because she's she's gonna see the Red
01:06:49
Mist yeah you don't want to make her mad
01:06:51
what sort of mid to you on how many like
01:06:53
how many is it a cocktail of pills I'm
01:06:56
not a much and they're surprises people
01:06:57
um even like in the first I think once I
01:07:00
was at a hospital I was off on my
01:07:01
medication which was fantastic
01:07:03
um and to people like oh you must be on
01:07:05
so many medications and it's like no I'm
01:07:07
a nun and they're like oh okay and so um
01:07:10
but now I am on pain nerve pain
01:07:13
medication
01:07:15
um because yeah I want to wrap the skin
01:07:16
off my legs
01:07:17
um and then I'm also on beta blockers
01:07:19
for my heart rate
01:07:20
um which I'm actually seeing my
01:07:21
cardiologist tomorrow to hopefully come
01:07:23
off them this year
01:07:25
um because we're not quite sure if it's
01:07:26
the physical trauma or the mental trauma
01:07:29
so the fight flight but my resting heart
01:07:32
rate was quite high it was over 100 and
01:07:34
so I do any kind of exercise or cardio
01:07:37
I'd walk up a hill my heart's at 190
01:07:40
something and it's like I've just walked
01:07:41
somewhere and it's like that's not safe
01:07:43
and then resting heart right of 110
01:07:46
apparently can start to do damage so my
01:07:49
cardiologist put me on the beta blockers
01:07:52
to bring my heart rate down which we
01:07:55
didn't realize until I think about a
01:07:57
year ago because it caps my heart rate
01:08:00
and it keeps my heart rate down it does
01:08:02
a really good job of that
01:08:04
um if I do any cardio I run out of
01:08:07
oxygen because my heart rate can only go
01:08:09
so high and so I'm not getting oxygen
01:08:11
into my muscles and so for a while it
01:08:13
was like oh my god I've gone backwards
01:08:15
so far with my like exercise because I
01:08:19
could like do quite a lot of things and
01:08:20
then all of a sudden I climbed for his
01:08:22
Peak it wasn't easy and I cried the last
01:08:24
kilometer but um did you since uh 2019
01:08:33
um
01:08:36
wow good for you yeah it's a hell of a
01:08:38
climb zigzags back and forth forever
01:08:40
yeah and there's no cover it's not so
01:08:42
it's awesome yeah which is
01:08:48
good up until like Instagram point and I
01:08:52
was like this is the top and my partner
01:08:55
at the time was like this is not the top
01:08:56
we have a k to go and I was just like I
01:08:58
don't want to go the last Kayla I could
01:09:00
just die here thankfully and he was just
01:09:02
like no come on we're doing it you'll
01:09:03
regret it if you don't it's 1K like and
01:09:06
I was just like okay
01:09:07
and that's where I'd like have my limit
01:09:09
and I just like bawled my eyes out for
01:09:11
the last K and I was like I don't want
01:09:12
to do this and just like moped up the
01:09:14
hill and made it to the top admittedly
01:09:16
he was right it was worth it
01:09:19
um the views were amazing
01:09:20
um you've always picked by the way it's
01:09:22
down sort of Wanaka way yes beautiful
01:09:25
well worth it is stunning
01:09:27
way down it was like
01:09:30
it was like there was no card
01:09:32
buying on my own and it was just oh it
01:09:34
was a bad time but
01:09:36
um did that and then yeah it was like
01:09:37
two months later I could not walk up a
01:09:41
hill at home without bursting into tears
01:09:44
and it was like not even okay and was
01:09:46
like how how can I do rose Peak and then
01:09:49
not do this it was just like I couldn't
01:09:51
work it out and I got on the beta
01:09:52
blockers since then and my physio was
01:09:55
like you're running out of oxygen like
01:09:57
that's why all of a sudden you get
01:09:58
fatigued and then you burst into tears
01:10:01
because your brains aren't out of oxygen
01:10:02
right like almost like altitude sickness
01:10:04
yeah and so it was just like and then it
01:10:05
was like so like for the last all year
01:10:09
just over a year now I've been on the
01:10:10
beta blockers and so I feel really
01:10:12
careful with my cardio and so if I do or
01:10:15
when I do like um
01:10:17
I'm started boxing and like bar and so
01:10:20
both I just have to be really careful
01:10:22
with my cardio so it's like my heart
01:10:24
rate I can get it to about 120 and keep
01:10:25
it there and I'm all right but for any
01:10:28
higher than that for any kind of
01:10:29
prolonged period of time I ran a Boxster
01:10:32
so yeah so the podcast is called Runners
01:10:35
only I'm guessing no relationships are
01:10:37
running right now
01:10:38
occasionally I'm like I'd love to know
01:10:40
how to like I'd love to be able to run
01:10:42
and then I'm like nah my boobs like want
01:10:44
to rip off my chest yeah my knees hurt
01:10:45
and I was like
01:10:47
um were you yeah you mentioned the
01:10:49
exercise and the the heart rate thing it
01:10:51
would make you emotional and cry we very
01:10:53
emotional pre-2019 or quite quite a
01:10:56
quite a hard [ __ ] um
01:11:00
[Music]
01:11:01
yeah
01:11:02
has it made has it made you more
01:11:04
emotional here
01:11:05
yeah yeah I
01:11:07
um like even like watching movies like
01:11:10
um I cry a lot easier than I ever ever
01:11:12
did I'd be like ah it's happy and just
01:11:13
like walk away from it whereas now I'm
01:11:15
like and it's so it's quite a change
01:11:18
um and then with the fight the PTSD
01:11:21
um yeah I get angered really easily
01:11:24
um over anything and then it's like I
01:11:26
also shut down really easily so um I
01:11:29
went away recently with a group of 19
01:11:31
strangers as you do and you've got PTSD
01:11:35
and you want to push yourself to the
01:11:36
Limit and it was great but it was quite
01:11:39
action-packed and eventually it was
01:11:41
really good because I might actually
01:11:42
have a big trip at the end of the year
01:11:43
which will be bigger than this so it was
01:11:45
kind of a nice little taster of
01:11:47
domestically because it was a South
01:11:49
Island
01:11:50
um it was like I need to get on a plane
01:11:51
and come home within a couple of hours
01:11:52
so that's fine but um it was like two
01:11:56
two days and it was like wow I really
01:11:58
didn't take into account the social
01:12:00
aspect of getting tired and so it was
01:12:04
like two days into 10 days I think it
01:12:06
was it was like wow I'm exhausted and it
01:12:09
was just like I don't want to talk to
01:12:11
anyone anymore yeah and that's like
01:12:13
let's go to hook a valley and it was
01:12:15
like oh okay and then so I and then when
01:12:19
we got to Queenstown I was like I feel
01:12:21
like [ __ ] and so I said to the to a
01:12:23
leader I was like I I tap out for a day
01:12:25
or I'm going to lose my [ __ ] and so he
01:12:27
was just like well you're booked into
01:12:28
this thing I was like not anymore mate
01:12:30
I'm gonna call him and pull out and
01:12:32
they're like he's like you can't do that
01:12:33
it's less than 24 hours out I was like I
01:12:34
can [ __ ] do this it's either that or
01:12:37
I'm gonna cry my whole way through it
01:12:39
and so pulled out of it and that was
01:12:41
sweet they were like yeah that's fine we
01:12:43
totally get it so I just like stayed in
01:12:44
my hotel room for the day but when I was
01:12:47
walking in Queenstown I walked them um
01:12:49
the group down to I think they were
01:12:50
going rafting or canyoning
01:12:53
um and so I walked them down there and I
01:12:55
was walking back and I was in Queenstown
01:12:58
Main Street and I was just walking back
01:13:00
to the hotel someone dropped something
01:13:02
in Queenstown and it sounded exactly
01:13:04
like white Island and I don't like I I
01:13:07
say that the eruption didn't make any
01:13:08
noise and I mean that
01:13:10
um it was like a noise it used to make
01:13:11
about a month before and also a year
01:13:13
before that so it wasn't even related to
01:13:15
the eruption it was just like what sort
01:13:17
of sound it was just like it's big boom
01:13:19
like someone who just drops like at the
01:13:21
when I was down there they had these
01:13:23
like big like iron bits over I guess
01:13:25
holes in the ground okay and so I think
01:13:27
so I'm gonna pick one up to look under
01:13:28
it and then just dropped it right and it
01:13:30
took every fiber of my being not to just
01:13:32
Duck and Cover in the main street of
01:13:34
Queenstown and I was just like
01:13:35
physically shaking and I was like go go
01:13:38
go get back to the hotel and made it
01:13:39
back to the hotel without having a
01:13:41
full-on breakdown
01:13:43
um and then a few days later I actually
01:13:46
had two panic attacks and a kayak which
01:13:49
is not the greatest place to have a
01:13:50
panic at all the places I know on the
01:13:52
water
01:14:00
I don't want to do that again I don't
01:14:01
want to save myself again so um it was
01:14:04
quite an eye-opening test because
01:14:07
obviously at home everything's nice and
01:14:09
safe
01:14:10
um I have my routine I have my
01:14:11
appointments all my my different
01:14:13
therapists and exercise coaches like
01:14:16
they all know me really well they all
01:14:17
know what triggers me they know how to
01:14:19
like deal with me I suppose go out and
01:14:22
so I feel really good I feel really
01:14:24
strong I'm doing all the stuff that my
01:14:26
Wellness coaches teach me to do I feel
01:14:28
great like I haven't had an incident
01:14:30
with PTSD in ages I was like I'm gonna
01:14:32
do this real big random thing when I did
01:14:34
that I came back I was like
01:14:35
oh my God I am hopeless I've made no
01:14:39
progress and she was just like no like
01:14:41
you were totally out of it you're
01:14:43
totally out of your safe Zone like and
01:14:45
you're in this like massive situation
01:14:47
but I learned a lot and so that's good
01:14:49
and so I'm using that going forward and
01:14:51
it's like
01:14:52
um if I do this big trip at the end of
01:14:53
the year then I've got all these things
01:14:55
now which I might need to work on that
01:14:57
need to work on that need to take that
01:14:58
into account so
01:15:00
um yeah that's massive which is really
01:15:02
good oh I I know you're not gonna like
01:15:04
this but um it's inspirational that
01:15:06
you're even like doing this like a lot
01:15:07
of people are going to be um listening
01:15:09
to this thinking oh God you know I'm in
01:15:12
more of a comfort zone than what she is
01:15:14
and I haven't been through any of this
01:15:15
[ __ ] but the fact that you are
01:15:16
constantly trying to push yourself
01:15:19
um yeah you're quite kind to yourself no
01:15:22
no
01:15:24
I'm learning
01:15:26
yeah
01:15:28
um my PTSD was got really really bad at
01:15:31
the start of
01:15:32
last year
01:15:34
um it was really really bad and I openly
01:15:36
admit I was a piece of [ __ ] like I
01:15:38
didn't want to be around me but I can't
01:15:40
get away from me and so um had a
01:15:42
breakdown with a couple of relationships
01:15:44
um which not even in contact with them
01:15:46
anymore and they're two people I thought
01:15:47
would be in my life for life that was a
01:15:50
massive slap in the face to keep trying
01:15:54
and keep trying to find something
01:15:55
because I was just done I was like I'm
01:15:57
trying talk therapy that doesn't feel
01:16:00
like it's working I tried EMDR that made
01:16:03
things worse EMDR what's that
01:16:08
they dissociate
01:16:11
I can't remember anymore it's a terrible
01:16:12
oh it's the worst it means yeah eye
01:16:15
movement desensitization and
01:16:17
reprocessing right so basically it it's
01:16:20
to try and reprocess the trauma of the
01:16:23
memory into the actual memory part of
01:16:26
your brain rather than living in the
01:16:28
emotional part of the brain and not
01:16:29
being where it's supposed to be so um
01:16:32
tried that that didn't work
01:16:34
um tried a whole bunch of other stuff
01:16:36
that didn't work
01:16:37
um and just was I was just tired I was
01:16:39
done I was so tired like all the
01:16:41
physical recovery [ __ ] getting all
01:16:43
trying to like heal mentally as well
01:16:45
which is like way worse than the
01:16:46
physical stuff yeah I was just done so I
01:16:48
just was just like [ __ ] this I'm just
01:16:49
gonna have a few months off I'll just
01:16:51
have a break which you can't do you
01:16:53
can't just have a break from healing and
01:16:57
so my my headspace everything just
01:17:00
deteriorated really really bad the PTSD
01:17:03
basically took over I was terrified of
01:17:05
everything I was angry at everything I
01:17:07
was
01:17:08
I probably wasn't depressed but I was
01:17:11
sad a lot I was yeah and I didn't leave
01:17:13
the house like I could barely left the
01:17:14
house and all this is understandable
01:17:16
right yeah yeah to an extent yes no 100
01:17:19
it is like with what you've been through
01:17:22
yeah and I think it would be it would be
01:17:24
very very easy and even like no one
01:17:26
could hold it against you if you decided
01:17:28
to be a victim for the rest of your life
01:17:30
and that's kind of where I was I was
01:17:33
just like I've had this I've had all
01:17:35
these horrific things happen to me yeah
01:17:36
I've ended up in all these shitty
01:17:38
situations I feel like I'm totally alone
01:17:40
no one gets it no one can seem to help
01:17:42
me I've tried all these things people
01:17:44
are trying to help it's not working I'm
01:17:46
done like I just want to be a normal
01:17:48
person for a bit so I'm just gonna just
01:17:50
relax
01:17:51
and yeah it got ugly and so yeah I lost
01:17:54
those two relationships which was enough
01:17:56
of a kick up the ass to be like you
01:17:57
can't live like this mate like come on
01:17:59
you got like look what you've been
01:18:00
through you can do this and so I went to
01:18:03
a naturopath and I went to a
01:18:05
hypnotherapist I found a wellness coach
01:18:07
I you know I've tried it
01:18:10
um and so thankfully I changed like I
01:18:13
changed psychologists to someone with a
01:18:16
bit more PTSD experience and like the
01:18:18
wellness coach and the my new psych like
01:18:21
holy [ __ ] like they are worth their
01:18:23
weight in gold they just changed my life
01:18:25
and so in the last
01:18:28
where are we now April yeah April
01:18:32
um I've been yeah basically overhauling
01:18:34
my life and um because yeah I just I
01:18:38
just got the biggest kick out the ass
01:18:39
and it finally made me realize like
01:18:41
even though like all this terrible stuff
01:18:43
has happened to you and that wasn't your
01:18:45
fault
01:18:46
the rest is not your responsibility PTSD
01:18:48
is my responsibility the trauma is my
01:18:50
responsibility surviving living from
01:18:52
here on out is my responsibility and I
01:18:54
can either live like that lose all my
01:18:56
relationships or I can just keep going
01:19:01
and it's like I just have to keep going
01:19:03
and like I had this like brief chat with
01:19:06
um Damien from blind spot and honestly I
01:19:09
reckon he helped save my life because so
01:19:13
um he's a great guy by the way David and
01:19:15
Alexander I love that how did your paths
01:19:18
cross were you a blind spot fan yes so
01:19:20
the rock sent me to two of their Gates
01:19:25
um yeah two of their gigs and um like
01:19:28
didn't really I spoke probably more to
01:19:30
Sheldon than Damien but
01:19:33
um there was in September I think it was
01:19:37
September
01:19:38
um the Raptors there Rock 2000 and one
01:19:40
of their new songs
01:19:42
um tonight played and they had this
01:19:44
little snippet of Damien talking about
01:19:45
the song and like the
01:19:48
how how it came to be like where his
01:19:50
headspace was at when he wrote it and it
01:19:53
just struck a chord and so I messaged
01:19:55
him I was just like dude I'm in the
01:19:56
darkest part of my life and just who
01:19:58
heard you talking about the song and I
01:20:01
was just like I just I needed that like
01:20:04
thank you just keep doing what you're
01:20:05
doing and he sent me back this massive
01:20:07
message I bawled my eyes out I saved it
01:20:10
as my background for like three months
01:20:11
because I I just like read it every day
01:20:13
and just be like come on you can do this
01:20:15
but in short it was like you just gonna
01:20:16
keep turning up just turn up just keep
01:20:19
turning up like even if you keep getting
01:20:21
hit in the face turn up and so it's
01:20:23
easier said than done though isn't it it
01:20:25
is
01:20:26
um and it's like when you're exhausted
01:20:28
like physically quickly emotionally
01:20:29
mentally spiritually just everything
01:20:31
like everything's at zero percent or
01:20:33
negative it is hard and I didn't want to
01:20:36
do it I don't want to do it I don't want
01:20:38
to do that I still don't want to do it
01:20:40
but it's like what choice do I have it's
01:20:42
like so it's kind of just got me to this
01:20:44
point now where it's just like I've
01:20:46
finally found things that are helping
01:20:48
it's got me out of that dark hole of the
01:20:51
whole yeah just not being good
01:20:54
and it doesn't matter perfect like I
01:20:57
still have bouts of PTC as I just
01:20:59
mentioned down south and like I still
01:21:01
have days where I just totally just
01:21:03
dissociate and but I know what that is
01:21:04
now whereas like two years ago it would
01:21:07
happen and people like what's wrong
01:21:09
what's tell me what's going on it's like
01:21:11
I don't [ __ ] know I'm not right I
01:21:13
don't know what's going on and they'll
01:21:14
be like what do you mean you don't know
01:21:16
you should know like what's going on in
01:21:18
your head and so I don't know and some
01:21:20
people would just be like and leave
01:21:21
because they'd be like I don't know how
01:21:23
to help you if you don't know what's
01:21:24
going on and so they just walk away and
01:21:26
so it was like well now I don't feel
01:21:28
like I can talk to anyone because
01:21:29
everyone's just giving me the same
01:21:30
answer so it was just like I just
01:21:32
basically just imploded and it obviously
01:21:35
exploded because that's what happens you
01:21:37
can't just shut down because that
01:21:39
doesn't work yeah so I'm changing my
01:21:41
life because I don't want to be that
01:21:42
person I hated that person but I didn't
01:21:45
know how to change it but I have the
01:21:46
help now to not be that person and I'm
01:21:49
doing my damnedest not to be that person
01:21:51
again also I guess Beyond
01:21:53
um scaring up and driving away other
01:21:55
people it's like you've got to live with
01:21:56
yourself so you want to be comfortable
01:21:58
in your own yeah it's hard like I I
01:22:00
reckon I put on like 20 kgs of just
01:22:03
stress and it was just like because I
01:22:05
was always in that fight flight I'm
01:22:07
never on that rest digest so it was like
01:22:09
anything I ate straight on my body so I
01:22:12
hated the way I looked I hated my brain
01:22:14
I just hated everything about myself and
01:22:16
I was just like which sucks because it
01:22:17
was like
01:22:18
I've survived all the stuff and
01:22:20
everyone's and everyone's telling me
01:22:21
you're so inspirational you're so strong
01:22:23
blah blah blah and it's just like if
01:22:25
only you could be in my head right now
01:22:26
it's just like you would
01:22:28
oh my God it was not good so and like I
01:22:32
do struggle to take the compliments like
01:22:33
you've been saying to me and it's just
01:22:35
like I I struggle with it and I don't
01:22:37
know whether that's yeah ever going to
01:22:40
be better or not but and um what's your
01:22:42
relationship like now with your physical
01:22:43
body like when you when you when you get
01:22:45
up in the morning and you're out of the
01:22:47
shower and you see yourself in front of
01:22:48
the mirror like are you comfortable with
01:22:50
what you see
01:22:51
yeah which is the stupid thing about it
01:22:54
is it's got nothing to do with scars the
01:22:56
scars I think kind of cool because it's
01:22:58
so it is I mean I can't change that yeah
01:23:01
but it's like there's things I can
01:23:02
change that I'm not happy with so I was
01:23:04
like wait and like all these dumb stupid
01:23:07
cosmetic things it's like I am healthy
01:23:09
it's like I am boxing I am doing bad I'm
01:23:11
doing reformer I'm doing met Pilates
01:23:13
like I am walking my dog two three times
01:23:15
a day it's like I could not be doing
01:23:17
more any any more physical exercise if I
01:23:20
tried without killing myself so it's
01:23:21
like physically I mean not lately
01:23:23
because I went to the South Island and
01:23:25
then I got like this gastro bag last
01:23:26
week so I'm not good at the moment I
01:23:29
have barely moved in the last two weeks
01:23:31
but
01:23:32
um and then I sprained my shoulder and
01:23:34
then while I was vomiting I ruined the
01:23:36
shoulder so it was just like so I'm in a
01:23:39
bit of a stage at the moment but I will
01:23:41
get back because yeah all my
01:23:42
appointments are slowly starting to come
01:23:43
back and so it's just yeah
01:23:45
just another little setback for me and
01:23:48
what about at night when you when you
01:23:50
put your head on the pillow and shut the
01:23:51
eyes what are your dreams like
01:23:53
I don't really have any don't you why
01:23:55
that's a good thing right I don't know
01:23:57
I've had I think I can count on one hand
01:24:00
how many nightmares I've had since
01:24:03
two of them have been violent
01:24:06
um
01:24:07
and then the other three actually maybe
01:24:09
it's just those two there's only been
01:24:11
two I've only ever had two major
01:24:12
nightmares that I can think of and both
01:24:15
of them were around white Island but not
01:24:18
what actually happened it was just my
01:24:20
brain making up other random wild and
01:24:22
things geez that's lucky isn't it I
01:24:24
think yeah oh yeah like I yeah for all
01:24:26
the symptoms of PTSD that I don't have
01:24:30
um I'm glad I don't have the nightmares
01:24:32
because I need like 11 hours of sleep to
01:24:35
be somewhat functional which apparently
01:24:38
is is a trauma thing because of like the
01:24:40
hyper vigilance and stuff and I'm always
01:24:41
like always like looking for danger
01:24:44
um yeah I do require a lot more rest
01:24:46
than the average person which sucks
01:24:48
because it's like I have a late night or
01:24:50
I have to get up early in the morning
01:24:51
and it's like I don't function well yeah
01:24:53
so how old are you now what are you 20
01:24:56
29 right yeah you've still got so much
01:24:59
Life to Live don't you hopefully yeah oh
01:25:01
no absolutely you do I mean I've been
01:25:04
people have been saying for like the
01:25:05
last eight is like that's your bad luck
01:25:08
surely and that's okay sometimes it's
01:25:10
like everyone's like you're still young
01:25:12
it's like yeah yeah
01:25:14
so what's uh what's what's next how's
01:25:16
the next 50 60 70 years gonna look just
01:25:19
survive right I think you've done that
01:25:21
boring survival would be nice actually
01:25:23
you say surviving I I'd say and I think
01:25:25
many other people would say thriving
01:25:27
seriously yeah get in there get in there
01:25:30
I think the aim is to basically
01:25:33
I mean I don't really have a major aim
01:25:35
um at the moment it's just get my mind
01:25:37
right get my brain right find the things
01:25:39
that work for me get them into
01:25:41
um like a routine that's I don't have to
01:25:44
think about
01:25:45
um so that's my ultimate goal at this
01:25:47
point is to just get that [ __ ] sort of
01:25:49
first
01:25:50
um get off the stupid beta blockers so I
01:25:52
can actually start doing [ __ ]
01:25:55
um and then yeah go from there I think
01:25:58
it's my goal at this point I just get my
01:26:00
head right first yeah you're you're so
01:26:02
driven though I can't wait to see what
01:26:04
you do and what you achieve in your life
01:26:05
because there's a lot more to come
01:26:07
um so what are you doing for money like
01:26:09
there was the give a little page which
01:26:11
um there was an this is at the time of
01:26:13
the explosion there's an outpouring of
01:26:15
support 120 000 from thousands of small
01:26:19
amounts which is which is humbling I'm
01:26:21
guessing that money's all gone that was
01:26:23
years ago
01:26:25
um
01:26:29
day-to-day expenses and whatnot yeah so
01:26:31
because um
01:26:35
oh okay um so
01:26:37
it has been amazing they've been
01:26:39
incredible
01:26:40
um same as do you get like 80 of your
01:26:42
income the whole thing or 80 right yeah
01:26:45
yeah so they pay 80 of my wage um
01:26:48
for the rest of your life or
01:26:51
until when if I go back to work okay so
01:26:54
I just yeah if I can get my head writing
01:26:56
at the PTSD thing sort of then I can
01:26:58
probably work
01:27:00
um but at the moment like any kind of
01:27:02
stress and I'm like and can't function
01:27:04
so it's like No One's Gonna want that
01:27:06
I don't want that and this is one of
01:27:09
those restaurants like um there was one
01:27:11
that opened in Auckland called Karen's
01:27:12
where I'd be great
01:27:14
people go there to be abused by the
01:27:16
stars
01:27:18
um
01:27:20
um yeah so at the moment let's just get
01:27:22
that [ __ ] sorted um but yeah so ACC and
01:27:25
yeah so I had to give a little page
01:27:27
which was just oh man that blew my mind
01:27:29
like that made me cry because well it's
01:27:31
humbling it's people you don't know and
01:27:32
that's you know you were saying before
01:27:34
about some of the main things that
01:27:35
people wrote online yeah the give a
01:27:37
little people the the other majority in
01:27:40
new zealanders like not everyone's got
01:27:41
money to give but that that represents
01:27:44
most new zealanders yeah and I remember
01:27:46
when mum mum showed it to me like this
01:27:49
has been things at all so unraveling
01:27:51
um and I was in hospital it was yeah
01:27:53
December still sometime and Mum was
01:27:55
saying like just give a little bit for
01:27:57
you it was like oh nice that's good of
01:27:59
them and she was just like do you want
01:28:01
to have a look at it and I was just like
01:28:03
you yeah right and so she showed me the
01:28:05
phone and my broken little head thought
01:28:08
it was nine grand and I was like oh my
01:28:10
God that's so amazing like nine grand
01:28:12
and Mum was like nine and I was like
01:28:15
yeah nine grand you should take the
01:28:16
phone at this point
01:28:18
um and she was like it's not nine grand
01:28:21
it's 97 Grand and I was like what show
01:28:26
me and she showed me again and then it
01:28:28
was like scrolling through the squeeze
01:28:30
of messages and I was like burst into
01:28:32
tears and I was like are you kidding me
01:28:34
like this is amazing and some of them
01:28:36
are like X
01:28:37
um people I took on my Island and some
01:28:39
of them were like people I hadn't heard
01:28:40
from since God knows when it was amazing
01:28:42
it was just incredible yeah I guess in a
01:28:44
lot of ways like the comments that
01:28:45
people wrote when they made a donation
01:28:47
meant just as much if not more than them
01:28:48
oh yeah yeah it was amazing and so um
01:28:51
when the give a little page actually
01:28:53
closed mum got every single message
01:28:56
printed out from give a little and it's
01:28:59
like put them all together so I've got
01:29:01
them forever now so I can just like read
01:29:02
through them and it's really nice oh
01:29:04
that must be nice if you're having a
01:29:05
rough day yeah
01:29:06
yeah so what are the biggest learnings
01:29:08
about yourself in this whole thing are
01:29:09
you tougher than what you thought you
01:29:11
were stronger than what yeah shitty yeah
01:29:14
and like people say like I could never
01:29:16
get through what you've got through and
01:29:17
it's just like why never you don't have
01:29:19
a choice like when you're in that
01:29:20
position it's like your options are curl
01:29:22
up on a ball and let the scar tissue
01:29:24
take over and
01:29:25
die
01:29:26
or it's just go this [ __ ] sucks and
01:29:29
keep going like I've tried both ways and
01:29:31
really both of them suck but one of them
01:29:34
sucks way more and it yeah destroys
01:29:37
everything around you as well so it's
01:29:38
like you've got to keep going you have
01:29:40
to find the help you have to keep going
01:29:42
and just make the best out of what
01:29:45
you've got left like
01:29:46
otherwise what's the point
01:29:49
that's probably a great way to end it oh
01:29:51
can I ask like why did you why did you
01:29:53
you aren't like generally quite private
01:29:56
like I know you've been on that Netflix
01:29:57
movie you share about on your own terms
01:29:59
on your own Instagram but you don't do a
01:30:01
lot of the stuff and I'm so grateful
01:30:03
that you did but why
01:30:05
why did you agree to come here today
01:30:09
um I I guess yeah because last year was
01:30:12
so bad for me
01:30:13
um possibly my worst I would say
01:30:15
mentally my worst
01:30:18
um I've kind of got a bit more of a
01:30:20
[ __ ] attitude now and so
01:30:23
um
01:30:24
yeah that's mostly it I'm kind of just
01:30:27
trying to just just do more things and
01:30:30
try more things and yeah just try and be
01:30:33
a bit more of a yes guy instead of a
01:30:35
Hermit guy yeah and I'm so pleased you
01:30:37
did because I I I think you're
01:30:39
remarkable and I think there's a lot of
01:30:40
a lot of people that can get a lot of
01:30:42
good from your story
01:30:43
um because like what you've been through
01:30:44
is unimaginable and the way that you've
01:30:46
dealt with it with um like a fair amount
01:30:49
of Grace and humility it's just
01:30:50
remarkable and all those
01:30:52
um words we talked about before but you
01:30:55
curl your toes up at like um yeah heroic
01:30:58
and and brave and strong and whatever
01:31:01
else they're all absolutely true and you
01:31:04
should be giving yourself a pat on the
01:31:05
back for the work you've done because no
01:31:07
one's motivating you to do it you've got
01:31:08
to do it all yourself unfortunately and
01:31:10
you have and you are and you continue to
01:31:12
do so
01:31:13
thank you I think we'll enter that eh
01:31:16
Kelsey wagorn hero honestly if if no one
01:31:21
comes to give you a bravery award or a
01:31:23
courage award or whatever there is at
01:31:25
some stage in the next couple of years
01:31:26
I'm gonna [ __ ] buy one myself and
01:31:28
give it to you because you deserve
01:31:30
karate statues
01:31:33
yeah little plastic things all right hey
01:31:37
um you're a great New Zealander and I
01:31:38
can't thank you enough for coming on the
01:31:40
podcast today thank you
01:31:43
[Music]
01:31:54
thank you
01:31:55
[Music]