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welcome to the best interest podcast
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where we believe Benjamin Franklin's
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advice that an investment in knowledge
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pays the best interest both in finances
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and in your life every episode teaches
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you personal finance and investing in
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simple terms now here's your host Jesse
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Kramer hello everybody and welcome to
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episode 55 of the best interest podcast
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my name is Jesse Kramer most of
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listening fall somewhere maybe in your
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20s 30s early 40s that's the the average
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age of listeners of the best interest
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podcast and that age demographic has a
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few interesting side effects when it
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comes to the things I talk about here on
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the podcast now obviously I skew most of
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my content in such a way that it
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benefits you based on your age and kind
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of the stage of life that you're in
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right now just for context I'm 33 years
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old so the conversations that I'm having
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with my peers in real life are fairly
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similar with the convers ations I'm
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having here on the podcast but today
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we're going to do something a little bit
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different it's still I'm thinking about
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your age but today I want to think about
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really the age of your parents now the
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conversations the financial
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conversations that we ought to be having
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with our parents or that we are having
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or that we should be having with our
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parents they depend on our parents age
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now if you're listening to this and
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you're 20 maybe your parents are only 45
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or 50 or 55 that's different than
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someone who's listening to this episode
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and is 40 or 45 their parents might be
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70 or 75 or 80 you know the conversation
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with a 50-year-old parent is much
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different than the conversation with a
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75 or 80-year-old parent we'll get into
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that but an overwhelming majority of
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adult children according to one study by
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go banking rates it's about 73% 73% of
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adult children have not had a detailed
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conversation with their parents about
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their parents
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finances now now why why haven't people
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had those conversations well one of the
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primary reasons why these survey
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respondents said they haven't had that
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talk is because well they don't quite
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know how to have that discussion so what
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we're going to talk about today we're
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going to talk about some ideas some ways
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that you can start some of these
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discussions with your parents of course
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we're also going to talk about the
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important topics that you need to bring
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up in these Financial conversations with
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your parents you know what what is the
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the meat and potatoes what are the
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nitty-gritty items that should be
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talking about with your parents and I
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hope you walk away with not only more
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knowledge but also more confidence and
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maybe even a little action plan to
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approach your parents start bringing up
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some of these conversations and not only
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improve their financial position but in
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the long run improve yours as
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[Music]
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well let's talk about some of the ways
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that we can Broach these conversations
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with our parents how do we get that foot
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in the door how do we start that first
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conversation or how do we ease our
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parents into the conversation how do we
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ease ourselves into the conversation
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right it's not always a comfortable
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conversation one of the best places to
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start is actually talking with your
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siblings your siblings are your peers
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they're in a similar situation as you
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are they are a child of your parents
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they might be a beneficiary of your
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parents financially or they might have
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to care for your parents eventually and
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some sort of medical way so your
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siblings have a lot in common with you
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but you might be thinking that talking
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with your parents about their finances
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is is hard enough as is it might add
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another layer of complication to bring
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your siblings into the conversation
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that's true but if you don't bring your
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siblings into the conversation or if
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your siblings feel left out that might
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cause some resentment you know some
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emotional resentment it's not math and
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numbers based but it's just the way that
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human brains work so first I think you
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and your siblings need to get on the
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same page one of the ways you can do
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that is simply by figuring out who will
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initiate this future money talk with
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your parents maybe it's just you maybe
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it's just one of your siblings maybe
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it's all of you all at once you also can
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discuss what roles you're going to play
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in your parents lives as they age some
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of that might be based on geography you
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know how close you live to your parents
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some of it might be based on you know
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the age of the siblings in the family
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you know does the oldest sibling have to
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take more responsibility that's up to
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you but eventually when you do talk to
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your parents you can let them know how
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each of you siblings wants to help out
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or how you feel about their financial
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situation how you feel about the way
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that you're written into their will
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those kind of things that might make it
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easier for your parents to talk to you
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cuz at least they know that you as
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siblings are well hopefully you're
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willing to work together in some way
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shape or form but at the very least
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you're coming to your parents with full
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information about the different roles
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and different responsibilities that that
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you and your siblings are are willing to
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take okay once you've talked to your
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siblings and kind of established some of
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the ground rules for lack of a better
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term you've got to find a right time to
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talk to your parents now conversations
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with your parents about their finances
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they can happen naturally but sometimes
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it's not natural and even if it's a not
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natural situation and you're able to
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broach the topic casually you should
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realize that you're going to need to set
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aside time for a a truly indepth
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conversation or maybe even a ser series
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of conversations a series of discussions
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with your parents to gather details
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about their
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finances like I said this isn't really a
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casual thing so you know despite the
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fact that you and your siblings your
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parents are probably all together during
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say holidays you probably shouldn't have
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one of these conversations during a
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holiday gathering even if it is that one
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time a year that you guys are all
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together you know there could be well
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there are many reasons why you know one
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you're kind of there to celebrate a
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holiday and celebrate being together
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you're not not necessarily there to go
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through the family business sure there
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might be other people at the holiday
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event itself who don't really need to be
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part of that conversation you know aunts
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uncle's cousins whatever that's that's a
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small thing and and granted there there
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are all these extracurricular activities
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uh that might occur at a holiday feast
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that don't need to be involved in the
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the sobering conversation of estate
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planning but either way you need to find
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a time where as a family you can get
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together preferably one that's not
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during the holidays or during that kind
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of designated family time time it needs
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to be a an event unto itself it could
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take many different attempts several
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attempts before your parents understand
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why you want to sit down with them why
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you want to discuss their finances with
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them and it could take several attempts
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before your parents are willing to to
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open up to you now one possible idea is
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to at least broach the topic at some
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family event to set up a future
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conversation you know maybe it's the day
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after Christmas or it's the end of the
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Thanksgiving meal and one of the
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siblings just says you know hey Mom hey
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Dad we've kind of been talking amongst
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ourselves and when the time is right you
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know outside of the holidays maybe we
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can find a day to get together and start
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to talk through some of these important
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topics they're important topics to us
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your children they're probably important
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topics to you as parents and we just
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want to know where your heads are at so
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let's not talk now but maybe we can talk
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in the future it's not a bad idea to
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bring that up in person at least I'm a
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big fan of these inperson conversations
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if you haven't already picked on it kind
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of through your say your career or or
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your work it's hard to get the right
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emotion across via writing or it's hard
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to get the right emotion across
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sometimes over the phone or even over
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Zoom the best way to have hard
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conversations preferably is in person if
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you can and so it's not a bad idea to
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bring up this topic which can be a hard
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Topic in person with your parents just
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don't get into the nitty-gritty details
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of it all during a A celebratory time
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[Music]
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all right this next part is kind of
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interesting and it gives you some ideas
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about having that plan for starting the
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conversation before you begin talking to
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your parents about their finances about
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their long-term Health those kind of
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things you might need to think about
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what approach you should take to get
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them to open up now some of us some
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people out there have have great
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relationships with their parents uh
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maybe money is not that taboo of a topic
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in their family and it's pretty easy
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just to bring up this idea of like hey
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us kids we kind of want to gather some
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information about your finances just in
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case there's an emergency just to give
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you our parents some peace of mind but
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yeah we we we just want to have one of
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those kind of conversations if you can
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bring it up that way great but for some
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people they need a more indirect
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approach to get their parents
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comfortable with the idea of discussing
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a topic that they might consider off
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limit so a few different ideas that I
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found from scouring around the internet
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the first idea using a story you can use
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a story about someone you know who had
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to get involved with a parent finances
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that unfortunately highlights the the
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benefits of being prepared or the
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problems that that family encountered
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because they they weren't
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prepared fear can be a powerful
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motivator and then sometimes it helps to
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say hey Mom and Dad my buddy Jim his
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father just had a stroke and Jim didn't
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have any idea what was going on in his
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father's finances and now not is Jim
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trying to help his dad medically but
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he's trying to put all these puzzle
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pieces together financially and it's
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really stressful and we're hoping to
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avoid a situation like gyms in our lives
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so you can use a story like that to just
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kind of bring up the idea of what to
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your parents of why your mind is in this
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place in the first place and why you're
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hoping to have this conversation in the
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first place another idea you can ask
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your parents for advice ask them for
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financial advice but some sort of issue
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you're facing their response will give
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you you some clues about the financial
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planning in their life what they've done
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it also might give you some clues about
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what they haven't done and then you can
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keep that conversation going by asking
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more questions digging into details and
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and legitimately you might be trying to
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get actual ideas from them but you're
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also going to notice some places where
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they might have holes and if you dig
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into those places and say hey I I notice
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you haven't really talked about your
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will at all like do you have a will they
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might say oh no we don't have a will and
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here's why oh okay there's a good spot
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for you to kind of launch off of and
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bring up this
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conversation a final idea a final way to
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Broach these conversations with your
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parents is to ask them some wh if
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questions you know hey Mom hey Dad if
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you guys ended up in the hospital for
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some reason I'm just wondering you know
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how would your bills get paid would
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would you need me to step in hey guys
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I'm I'm just wondering you know what if
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this happened would you need me to help
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what would happen to us what would
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happen to our family those kind of WTH
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questions highlight
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needs for planning for financial
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planning and might prompt your parents
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to share information that would help
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them in case of emergency and would help
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you plan for them in case of that
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emergency now hopefully your parents
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view you as a intelligent and
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independent you know powerful adult they
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they see you as a person unto yourself
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and they respect you for bringing up
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these ideas but there is a chance and
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some parents out there still kind of see
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their children as as children not really
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as adults and and they might be
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reluctant to share information with
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someone well it it could be for any
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reason but one of the biggest is that
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they still see you as essentially a
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child and they don't really want to take
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advice from their child maybe they don't
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want to burden you with these
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responsibilities cuz you were still a
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child in their mind and for that reason
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some parents are going to be more
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receptive if they hear these requests
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from a third party as opposed to from
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you directly now ultimately you're the
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one who you probably want to be involved
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in the conversation especially if you
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are going to be taking care of them if
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you going to be helping them pay their
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bills if you're going to be receiving
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any sort of request from your parents
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but you might want or need to reach out
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to some sort of third party it could be
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a legal professional it could be a
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trusted contact another family member a
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friend a clergy member it could be a
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financial planner or someone that they
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work with maybe it's even your spouse or
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your partner you know essentially your
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your parents son-in-law your parents
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daughter-in-law instead of you yourself
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just someone to broach the conversation
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with your parents explain to your
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parents why the conversation is
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important and then explain to your
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parents why it's important to Loop you
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their children into that conversation it
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can be hard for you to do that all
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yourself you know hey Mom hey dad here's
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why it's important you talk to me about
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this it can be easier sometimes for a
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third party to say hey Jim hey Nancy
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here's why this conversation is
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important and here's why you should be
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talking to your kids about it so there's
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another way another idea to get
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reluctant parents involved in this
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conversation okay but what do we
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actually talk about let's talk about the
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various nitty-gritty Financial topics
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the information that we hope to gather
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from our parents as part of these
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challenging conversations you know the
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whole point is to gather as many details
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as possible as many details as your
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parents are willing to give you about
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their financial and their health
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situation and and answer those kind of
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wh if scenarios you don't have
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necessarily have to do it all at once it
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could happen over over many
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conversations but maybe your parents are
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reluctant here's at least some of the
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basic information that you should try to
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gather upfront or in those initial
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conversations first you need to
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understand what your parents estate
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planning is like and specifically what
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kind of estate planning documents they
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have do they have a will do they have a
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living trust do they have a power of
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attorney do they have an Advanced Health
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Care directive sometimes called a
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healthcare proxy these documents are are
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all particularly important now the
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living trust isn't necessarily A
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musthave but a will if you're not
00:14:16
familiar a will details how your parents
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plan on leaving their assets to
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beneficiaries after death power of
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attorney a power of attorney gives
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someone essentially the ability to make
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decisions especially financial decisions
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on behalf of your parents if they end up
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in some sort of disabled state where
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they they're unable to make those
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decisions by themselves you know usually
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it has to do with some sort of cognitive
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decline maybe it's a a sudden traumatic
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injury that leaves them in a state where
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they can't make decisions for themselves
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or maybe it's a a slow decline like a a
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Dementia or an Alzheimer's type decline
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where your parents need someone to step
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in and make important decisions for them
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that's what a power of attorney does
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the Advanced Health Care directive or
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the healthcare proxy is similar to a
00:15:04
power of attorney except it applies to
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healthcare decisions instead of
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financial decisions there might be you
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know an unfortunate scenario where let's
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say your your parent is unfortunately
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they're dying and the question is do we
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keep your parent on life support or do
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we keep your parent kind of you know
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sedated on morphine or something like
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that it's a really really hard decision
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and it's a hard decision especially for
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a child for a loving child to have to
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make in the moment here you are just
00:15:36
essentially grieving already stressed
00:15:38
about your your parents health and
00:15:40
you're being asked should you take your
00:15:43
parent off life support that is a very
00:15:46
very hard decision what a healthcare
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proxy does or what a Advanced healthc
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Care directive does is it might lay out
00:15:53
your parents' wishes from a time when
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they were sound of mind and sound of
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body and you know some people say I
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don't really want to stay on life
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support for months and months and months
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pull the plug just just put me out of my
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misery please it's very understandable
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when when you kind of talk about it with
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a smile and when you're healthy and
00:16:11
sober and and looking at it through that
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lens and probably some of you out there
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are saying like yeah that that's what
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I'd want just pull the plug others of
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you might say the opposite and you're
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sitting there going like no if if
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there's a chance i' come out of it and
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recover like keep me alive I want to be
00:16:24
alive or at the very least yeah I want
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you to make decisions on my behalf and
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if you can make the decisions in this
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kind of manner that's what a healthcare
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proxy or Advanced Healthcare directive
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does and when they're not involved
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you're putting a lot of pressure on that
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next of kin to make really challenging
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decisions about your health so when
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you're talking to your parents a will a
00:16:46
power of attorney a healthcare proxy
00:16:49
it's important to explain to them why
00:16:50
these documents are important and what
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can happen if these documents aren't in
00:16:54
place if something were to happen to
00:16:56
your parents and they didn't have these
00:16:58
documents you or your siblings would
00:17:00
likely have to go to court and hope that
00:17:03
you could be appointed as your parents
00:17:05
conservator or guardian or something
00:17:08
like that to make those kind of
00:17:09
financial or Health Care decisions first
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off that takes time second off it's it's
00:17:14
not guaranteed to happen in your favor
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you're relying on a judge on the court
00:17:19
to make a decision that that you of
00:17:21
course think is best but now you're
00:17:23
you're relying on someone else's opinion
00:17:24
someone who's not involved in your
00:17:26
family it's important that you draft
00:17:28
these ahead of time in case something
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were to
00:17:33
[Music]
00:17:45
happen okay what else can you talk to
00:17:47
your parents about another big one is
00:17:49
how do your parents pay their bills
00:17:51
that's a great thing to know in case an
00:17:52
emergency arises and you need to step in
00:17:55
are bills being paid automatically do
00:17:57
your parents write checks every month
00:17:58
month in what amount where did they send
00:18:00
them to all those kind of things it's
00:18:02
probably annoying to gather all that
00:18:03
information but it is important where
00:18:06
the checks coming from right are your
00:18:07
parents pulling money out of their
00:18:09
retirement accounts out of a taxable
00:18:11
brokerage account are they simply living
00:18:13
off of what's in their bank account plus
00:18:15
some Social Security checks the more
00:18:17
info your parents are willing to share
00:18:19
here the better and speaking of assets
00:18:22
speaking of retirement accounts it's
00:18:25
important for you to know what kind of
00:18:27
asset base your parents have and this is
00:18:29
where the conversation can get a little
00:18:31
bit murky it's not always easy because
00:18:34
you definitely don't want to come off as
00:18:36
the child who's saying like all right
00:18:37
Mom and Dad what's my uh inheritance
00:18:39
going to be you know what what what are
00:18:41
your 401k balances what's your
00:18:42
retirement account like uh how much
00:18:44
money am I getting you you don't want to
00:18:46
come off that way but there there is a
00:18:49
very logical and and rational argument
00:18:51
to be made for for the sake of financial
00:18:54
planning to understand how much money
00:18:57
you might be receiving and when I don't
00:19:00
it's unfair is the wrong word but
00:19:03
essentially it's it's inefficient to
00:19:04
plan your life one way and then all of a
00:19:07
sudden you realize like oh I just got a
00:19:10
$500,000 gift I wasn't expecting hm
00:19:14
maybe I wouldn't have eaten so much
00:19:16
ramen noodles for the past few years if
00:19:18
I had known that money was coming so
00:19:21
it's not a conversation so much so that
00:19:23
you can start planning what kind of
00:19:24
yacht you're going to buy but it's more
00:19:26
that kind of conversation where it's if
00:19:28
if you're going to be receiving money
00:19:30
roughly how much might it be and should
00:19:33
that start affecting the way that you
00:19:34
live your life right now can you start
00:19:37
to afford to live life a little bit
00:19:39
differently can you afford a little bit
00:19:40
more right now because you're going to
00:19:43
be getting some sort of inheritance
00:19:45
later or vice versa maybe you've been
00:19:47
expecting an inheritance in the back of
00:19:49
your mind and therefore you haven't been
00:19:51
saving that much but after a
00:19:52
conversation with your parents your
00:19:54
parents say like yeah we're going to
00:19:55
leave you a little bit but just so you
00:19:56
know we're going to leave a lot to
00:19:58
charity we think that you should earn
00:20:00
your own Stripes that might come out of
00:20:02
this conversation too and that would
00:20:04
drastically alter your personal
00:20:06
financial plan so again as long as you
00:20:09
pose this question in the right frame
00:20:11
you're not asking so that you can
00:20:13
understand what sort of Lamborghini
00:20:14
you're going to buy you're not asking so
00:20:16
that you can you know cross your fingers
00:20:18
hope they die sooner so that you can get
00:20:19
your money right you're you're asking
00:20:22
for the sake of your own financial
00:20:24
planning because a large windfall or the
00:20:27
lack of a large windfall
00:20:28
might make a a really big change might
00:20:31
might cause a really big effect in your
00:20:33
finances today another thing you can
00:20:36
talk about during your money talks is uh
00:20:38
whether your parents have any sort of
00:20:39
plan for long-term care you know
00:20:42
Medicare does not cover the cost of
00:20:45
long-term care meaning like nursing home
00:20:47
care and the median annual cost can
00:20:51
range from anywhere from 20,000 to
00:20:55
100,000 Plus for for a room in a nursing
00:20:57
home I mean I I know from firsthand
00:20:59
experience through work that some people
00:21:02
are paying in the range of $20,000 per
00:21:05
month per month for some sort of adult
00:21:09
care service and and now granted that
00:21:12
can be planned around Medicaid planning
00:21:14
not Medicare planning but Medicaid
00:21:16
planning is a a big industry in
00:21:20
especially amongst estate planning
00:21:23
attorneys where you can move assets
00:21:26
around in a certain way usually involv
00:21:28
forming a trust such that an older adult
00:21:31
qualifies for Medicaid and thus can pay
00:21:34
for a lot of their long-term care with
00:21:36
Medicaid long-term care insurance is
00:21:39
another thing that we've talked about
00:21:40
here on the best interest podcast before
00:21:42
where some people use it successfully
00:21:44
I've also heard horror stories of
00:21:45
long-term care insurance not working at
00:21:48
all as expected but that's kind of not
00:21:51
today's point the point of today's
00:21:52
podcast is simply to ask your parents if
00:21:54
they have a long-term care plan now not
00:21:58
everybody does not everybody needs one I
00:22:00
I can tell you personally that I don't
00:22:03
really like the idea of living in a
00:22:04
nursing home I know I'm saying that at
00:22:06
age 33 maybe my mind will change but I
00:22:09
really want to maintain my Independence
00:22:11
as long as possible and moving into a
00:22:13
nursing home is not something that I'm
00:22:16
exactly planning on doing but it is
00:22:18
something that at least I'm going to be
00:22:20
thinking about it's something that I
00:22:21
should be thinking about that we all
00:22:22
should be thinking about is what is that
00:22:24
plan if it's not going into a nursing
00:22:26
home fine but what does look like what
00:22:28
are the safety nets involved if you're
00:22:31
80 years old and still living at home
00:22:33
and you trip and twist your ankle and
00:22:35
you can't get up you know you should
00:22:37
think about that I mean that is a
00:22:38
long-term care question you know help me
00:22:40
I've fallen I can't get up get one of
00:22:42
those buzzers call 911 that's something
00:22:44
that you can talk about with your
00:22:45
parents and make sure that they are set
00:22:47
up for success in that
00:22:48
[Music]
00:22:54
way changing gears a tiny bit here
00:22:56
staying on the main subject but but just
00:22:58
changing gears a tiny bit a cool story
00:23:00
that I came across here at work one of
00:23:03
our clients wrote a really interesting
00:23:05
letter this this client is probably in
00:23:08
their late 7s early 80s and they wrote
00:23:12
this letter to their children and to
00:23:14
their grandchildren and it's probably a
00:23:16
four or five Page Letter and it was
00:23:19
really well written which I'm sure helps
00:23:21
but in essence the the letter to the
00:23:23
children and the grandchildren said
00:23:26
here's how we've made our money
00:23:28
here's how we struggled at times during
00:23:30
our life here are some of the powerful
00:23:32
lessons that we learned and here are the
00:23:36
choices we're making in distributing
00:23:38
this money some to charity a lot to you
00:23:41
our children our grandchildren but
00:23:43
here's really what these assets mean to
00:23:45
us how important they are to us and
00:23:49
ultimately it's up to you how you want
00:23:51
to spend them but here are some of our
00:23:53
thoughts here are some of our hopes here
00:23:54
are some of our dreams and and in in a
00:23:57
couple cases here are some rules that
00:24:00
we'd like to put in place you know some
00:24:02
of the rules being for example to the
00:24:03
grandkids you know
00:24:06
$200,000 of this gift is set aside for
00:24:08
your college expenses you don't have to
00:24:10
go to college but if you choose not to
00:24:13
that $200,000 is going to go to a
00:24:15
charity instead which I think you know
00:24:17
seems like a reasonable rule I I want to
00:24:19
help pay for your college but if you're
00:24:21
not going to college I'm not going to
00:24:22
give you this money okay it seems like a
00:24:24
reasonable rule but I just thought that
00:24:26
that letter was communicated it it was
00:24:28
such clean communication and it was so
00:24:30
clear that it set this really clear
00:24:32
expectation between the grandparents and
00:24:36
the the parents and the grandchildren
00:24:39
about again where the money came from
00:24:42
how much it meant and and how hard they
00:24:43
worked throughout their life to gather
00:24:46
that money and to grow that money to
00:24:48
invest that money and then ultimately
00:24:50
money isn't an end right we've talked
00:24:52
about here on the podcast before that
00:24:53
ultimately money is just a means to an
00:24:55
end and ultimately for this couple how
00:24:58
they hoped that their heirs how they
00:25:01
hoped that their loved ones would use
00:25:03
the money for for positive things in
00:25:05
their lives and that they hope the loved
00:25:07
ones would actually would actually use
00:25:08
the money and not just sit on the money
00:25:10
forever kind of like the grandparents
00:25:12
actually did sit on the
00:25:13
money but okay I'm rambling a little bit
00:25:16
because because the real upshot here is
00:25:19
clear communication it's important for
00:25:21
you listening to this podcast right now
00:25:24
assuming that you're on the younger side
00:25:26
to try to start these conversations with
00:25:29
your parents but if you're on the older
00:25:30
side or eventually when you get to the
00:25:32
older side it's important for you to
00:25:34
have these conversations with your
00:25:35
children with your grandchildren it's
00:25:37
important to explain to them how you're
00:25:40
feeling about the money what your plans
00:25:42
for the money are it's very easy and
00:25:44
very common to say split assets evenly
00:25:47
amongst your children but in some cases
00:25:49
that might not make sense or in some
00:25:51
cases that might not feel right to you
00:25:54
for one reason or another that's a
00:25:56
really hard conversation to have have
00:25:58
but it's important that you have that
00:26:00
conversation early if possible you know
00:26:03
it's important that you have that
00:26:05
conversation when while you're alive cuz
00:26:07
the fact of the matter is sometimes that
00:26:09
conversation doesn't come about until
00:26:12
after you've passed away when an
00:26:14
attorney is administering your estate
00:26:17
and the attorney is the one breaking the
00:26:19
news to your loved ones that the assets
00:26:21
are going to be broken up in a certain
00:26:23
way that's not very fun for your loved
00:26:26
ones to hear that in that way and in
00:26:29
fact it can lead to some some
00:26:30
permanently bitter feelings I was
00:26:33
recently reading what essentially is is
00:26:34
a Dear Abby column I think it's on
00:26:37
market watch but they have a column
00:26:39
where where folks can write into an
00:26:41
editor or a personal finance expert and
00:26:43
say Here's my situation what do you
00:26:45
think and one of the situations was from
00:26:48
an adult child of a grandparent but you
00:26:51
know a 45-year-old is writing in saying
00:26:53
my father just passed away and he left
00:26:56
significantly more money to me than to
00:26:59
my sister for various reasons you know
00:27:02
the sister was involved in some criminal
00:27:04
crimes in her past and and whatever that
00:27:06
the grandfather was worried about the
00:27:08
way that the money would be left to her
00:27:10
but long story short of course that the
00:27:13
sister felt great resentment towards her
00:27:16
brother who's writing this letter
00:27:18
because the brother is the one who
00:27:19
received the majority of the Assets Now
00:27:23
we can all listen to the story and say
00:27:25
like well it's not really the brother's
00:27:26
fault he just got left assets he didn't
00:27:29
do anything special he didn't cheat he
00:27:31
didn't he didn't Forge the document of
00:27:33
of the will and and get himself more
00:27:35
assets he was just the favored son of of
00:27:39
the father but but the way the the
00:27:41
article is written or the way the letter
00:27:42
was written it makes you realize that
00:27:44
there are some conversations that should
00:27:46
have happened during life there are some
00:27:49
conversations that should have happened
00:27:51
while the patriarch was alive and those
00:27:53
conversations did not happen and so the
00:27:56
Son and the daughter they found out
00:27:58
about the estate plan after their father
00:28:01
had passed away and by that time it's
00:28:04
too late to change anything you you
00:28:06
can't edit the will after the person has
00:28:08
died and I suppose the son could just
00:28:11
decide to give money to his sister to
00:28:13
make it
00:28:14
50/50 but then he's directly going
00:28:17
against his father's wishes and that
00:28:19
doesn't feel good either many people out
00:28:21
there would say well I can't do it I
00:28:22
can't do it in good conscience because
00:28:24
Dad left this money in a very specific
00:28:26
way and I don't want to go against his
00:28:29
wishes so now not only do you have
00:28:31
finances involved which are hard enough
00:28:34
finances are hard enough you have family
00:28:36
relationships involved and that is a
00:28:38
very sticky subject so the more
00:28:41
communication you can have the better
00:28:44
I'm going to say it one more time before
00:28:45
wrapping up the episode obviously if
00:28:47
you're younger which many of you
00:28:48
listening to this are this is the kind
00:28:51
of topic that you want to bring up to
00:28:52
your parents slowly but surely probably
00:28:56
over a number of months or years just so
00:28:59
that you can gather information
00:29:01
understand where they are in their life
00:29:03
and how you might need to step in in the
00:29:06
future should certain things happen to
00:29:09
them many of which will happen to them
00:29:11
simply because time is coming for us all
00:29:14
if you're older and listening to this
00:29:17
it's never too early to start bringing
00:29:19
up some of these ideas with your kids
00:29:20
maybe you're only 55 and you've got
00:29:23
three or four kids and they're in their
00:29:25
teens and 20s or early 30s
00:29:28
it's not too early to start bringing up
00:29:30
these conversations with them just to
00:29:31
say hey guys in case I get hit by a bus
00:29:34
here's what I'm thinking they'll
00:29:36
appreciate it you'll appreciate it
00:29:38
you'll all get on the same page at the
00:29:40
end of the day communication is a really
00:29:42
big part of personal finance it's a big
00:29:44
part of all relationships as we know and
00:29:47
this kind of mixture of finance and
00:29:50
family is a place where communication is
00:29:56
Paramount
00:30:00
and let's end today's episode because
00:30:02
we've been dealing with our aging
00:30:03
parents we've been talking a little bit
00:30:04
about estate planning or planning for
00:30:06
the end of life and I think on that note
00:30:10
it might be a good time to talk about
00:30:12
the top five regrets of the dying now
00:30:14
this is a blog post that I recently
00:30:16
wrote on the best interest and in fact
00:30:18
it's a list that I didn't necessarily
00:30:20
come up with but I wanted to share with
00:30:22
you guys listening with my readers who
00:30:24
read on the blog Australian nurse
00:30:26
bronnie wear b r o n n i e bronnie kind
00:30:30
of like LeBron bronny wear worked in
00:30:32
paliative care that is easing the pain
00:30:34
of the dying for many years and over her
00:30:38
time spending time with dying patients
00:30:40
hearing the things that they regretted
00:30:41
about their life where formulated this
00:30:43
list the top five regrets of the dying
00:30:45
and her list has traveled far and wide
00:30:47
over the Internet for quite good reason
00:30:49
in my opinion now when I read this list
00:30:51
I thought to myself that it's got these
00:30:54
direct applicability to personal finance
00:30:56
because personal finance is ultimately
00:30:58
about allocating the limited resources
00:31:00
in our lives and no resource is quite so
00:31:03
limited or thus quite so important as
00:31:07
our time our time is the ultimate
00:31:09
limited resource and bronny wear's list
00:31:12
serves as an important reminder of that
00:31:15
so let's Dive Right In number one the
00:31:17
number one top regret of the dying I
00:31:19
wish I'd had the courage to live a life
00:31:21
true to myself not the life others
00:31:23
expected of me when I see this I think
00:31:26
of peer pressure peer pressure is a hell
00:31:28
of a drug we've all succumbed to it
00:31:30
we're all guilty at some point in our
00:31:31
life of making choices based on what our
00:31:33
friends our family other people in life
00:31:35
might think of us now I found at least
00:31:37
and maybe you have two that when we meet
00:31:38
someone with the irreverence to not
00:31:40
succumb to that type of peer pressure
00:31:42
they're a complete breath of fresh air
00:31:45
they are living life on their own terms
00:31:47
and we see something in that that we
00:31:49
find extremely admirable and I think
00:31:52
that's because it alludes back to what
00:31:53
this regret is that we often regret not
00:31:56
being being able to live life true to
00:31:58
ourselves we regret living a life
00:32:01
according to the way that others expect
00:32:02
us to of course it's hard it's hard it's
00:32:05
a challenge to live that life that you
00:32:08
want to live without caring about how
00:32:10
you might be perceived our social monkey
00:32:13
brains aren't really wired for that kind
00:32:16
of decision-making we don't want to be
00:32:18
seen as an outcast we don't want to be
00:32:20
seen as strange or different necessarily
00:32:23
we want to fit into the tribe however
00:32:26
according to bronnie we
00:32:27
caring too much about others perception
00:32:30
at least so much so that it really
00:32:31
affects the way that you live your life
00:32:34
that it pushes you to live a life
00:32:35
according to others expectations that is
00:32:38
a regrettable choice and that's that's
00:32:40
something you're going to regret at the
00:32:41
end of life number two I wish I hadn't
00:32:45
worked so hard there's a terrific
00:32:48
personal finance lesson here guys money
00:32:50
is a means not an end because yes we
00:32:53
need money to pursue our passions and to
00:32:55
support our loved ones and that money is
00:32:57
obtained typically at least through some
00:32:59
form of hard work but we have one
00:33:02
limited resource in life time to either
00:33:04
spend with our loved ones or spend on
00:33:06
our passions or to spend doing the work
00:33:11
which will fund those passions so we
00:33:12
have limited time we have many important
00:33:14
options ways to spend that time and we
00:33:16
have to find a strike a balance between
00:33:19
working hard to get money and then
00:33:21
finding time using time to potentially
00:33:24
spend the money or at the very least
00:33:26
spend that time with the loved ones or
00:33:27
the passions the things that give life
00:33:30
meaning in the first place it's
00:33:32
regrettable according to the people that
00:33:35
browny wear saw die before her it's
00:33:37
regrettable to spend too much time
00:33:39
working too much time obtaining money
00:33:42
and not enough time spending that money
00:33:45
or or just spending the time with the
00:33:48
things we care about the most number
00:33:50
three I wish I'd had the courage to
00:33:52
express my feelings now I'm no
00:33:55
psychologist but the internet tells me
00:33:57
me that it's challenging yet very
00:33:59
important to express our feelings to the
00:34:01
people in our lives however we
00:34:03
frequently hesitate to express those
00:34:05
feelings because well one it's hard to
00:34:07
be vulnerable expressing our feelings it
00:34:09
makes us vulnerable we're we're sharing
00:34:12
our our deepest thoughts our
00:34:13
insecurities what if she doesn't love me
00:34:16
back you know what I mean I I can relate
00:34:18
to that one pretty well so anyway it's
00:34:20
hard to be vulnerable number two we want
00:34:22
to avoid conflict a lot of times if
00:34:25
we're expressing our deep dark feelings
00:34:27
we might be saying hey it it really
00:34:28
bothers me when you do this or it makes
00:34:30
me angry or I don't like this or I want
00:34:32
you to change or I want myself to change
00:34:35
and those can be sources of conflict and
00:34:37
we generally want to avoid conflict okay
00:34:39
that one makes sense uh the third reason
00:34:41
we we don't want to be a downer I get it
00:34:43
again expressing our feelings especially
00:34:44
you know these deep dark feelings that
00:34:46
we might keep bottled up inside they are
00:34:49
often times some form of a a negative
00:34:52
feeling it's it's a sadness it's a
00:34:54
frustration or maybe we want to express
00:34:56
something like love but then we're we're
00:34:58
worried about getting our heartbroken
00:34:59
okay we don't want to be a downer we
00:35:01
don't want to bring that into the world
00:35:02
we bottled it up instead I suppose
00:35:04
beyond that there could be any number of
00:35:06
potential reasons why we're not sharing
00:35:08
or expressing the feelings that we have
00:35:10
in our head but according to some expert
00:35:13
sources that I've read humans are unable
00:35:15
to read one another's minds and the only
00:35:17
way to let your feelings be known is to
00:35:20
express them out into the world now I
00:35:22
wish I had more to say on this more
00:35:24
expertise to share but I don't and and
00:35:27
one of the reason why is yeah I struggle
00:35:29
with expressing my feelings at times
00:35:31
absolutely it's something I wish I could
00:35:32
be better at I wish I could just snap my
00:35:34
fingers and share more but it's
00:35:37
motivating for me to see this and to see
00:35:39
that one of the top five regrets of the
00:35:40
dying is that they wish they'd had more
00:35:44
courage to share their feelings because
00:35:46
this might give me at least the impetus
00:35:48
to find that courage or find my voice in
00:35:51
some way and start doing that more in in
00:35:53
productive ways sharing my feelings all
00:35:56
right we can move on two number four I
00:35:58
wish I had stayed in touch with my
00:36:00
friends so I originally wrote this
00:36:03
article sitting in a rental house in
00:36:05
Phoenix Arizona on the Sunday afternoon
00:36:08
after a good friend's bachelor party and
00:36:10
the party was attended by lots of mutual
00:36:12
friends some of whom I'd never met
00:36:14
before or some of whom i' i' hadn't seen
00:36:16
since college graduation over 10 years
00:36:18
ago and we had an absolute blast it was
00:36:21
awesome to reconnect with old friends
00:36:23
remind myself that the people in our
00:36:25
lives are param
00:36:27
it made me think of Warren Buffett
00:36:28
Warren Buffett says when you get to my
00:36:30
age you'll really measure your success
00:36:32
in life by how many of the people you
00:36:34
want to have love you actually do love
00:36:37
you now okay this is a bachelor party
00:36:40
it's not like we're all in love with
00:36:41
each other but it was it was a great
00:36:42
reminder of you know the people in life
00:36:45
you want to be respected you want to
00:36:46
have friends you want to be able to
00:36:48
build Connections in your life that
00:36:49
really is the spice and the zest of life
00:36:52
that's the pith that's why we're all
00:36:54
here in the first place it's all too
00:36:56
easy to lose touch with one another to
00:36:58
lose touch with family lose touch with
00:37:00
friends to lose touch with people who at
00:37:02
one point in life meant something to you
00:37:04
and you can't be best friends with
00:37:06
everyone in the world that's probably a
00:37:08
hollow task something uh it's a hollow
00:37:11
pursuit in the first place you wouldn't
00:37:13
really want to be friends with everyone
00:37:15
in the world but a life without strong
00:37:17
relationships is regrettable and I can
00:37:20
completely see how losing touch with
00:37:22
close friends especially when you get
00:37:24
towards the end of life becomes a major
00:37:26
major
00:37:27
regret last the number five regret of
00:37:30
the dying I wish I had let myself be
00:37:33
happier life will deal you lemons Hard
00:37:36
Times bad luck it's not really a matter
00:37:39
of if those lemons get dealt to you but
00:37:41
but when and choosing to quote unquote
00:37:44
make lemonade or at least try that in my
00:37:47
life I found that really is a choice and
00:37:50
thus happiness is largely a choice it
00:37:54
doesn't mean that we have to be happy
00:37:55
about sad things we're not celebrating
00:37:58
terminal illness over here anything like
00:38:00
that like sad things will happen and
00:38:02
those things will make you sad no doubt
00:38:04
about it but I think it's important to
00:38:07
at least make an effort to make the best
00:38:09
out of certain situations and when death
00:38:11
comes knocking to look back on a life
00:38:13
full of hopefully hopefully full of
00:38:15
Silver Linings not only good things but
00:38:17
even some of the bad things had Silver
00:38:19
Linings it makes me think of one of my
00:38:21
favorite probably my top favorite
00:38:24
YouTube video or because it's a speech
00:38:26
it's a it's a great speech to read it's
00:38:28
also it's probably a better speech just
00:38:29
to listen to it's David Foster Wallace's
00:38:32
this is water and rather than tell you
00:38:35
about it I think what we'll do right now
00:38:36
is pull a little clip from it and play
00:38:39
that because I think it's important to
00:38:40
focus on finding happiness in simple
00:38:44
boring day-to-day life take it away
00:38:46
David Foster Wallace by way of example
00:38:49
let's say it's an average adult day and
00:38:50
you get up in the morning go to your
00:38:52
challenging White Collar college
00:38:54
graduate job and you work hard for or 10
00:38:56
hours and at the end of the day you're
00:38:58
tired and somewhat stressed and all you
00:39:00
want is to go home and have a good
00:39:02
suffer and maybe unwind for an hour and
00:39:04
then hit the sack early because of
00:39:05
course you have to get up the next day
00:39:06
and do it all again but then you
00:39:09
remember there's no food at home you
00:39:11
haven't had time to shop this week
00:39:13
because of your challenging job and so
00:39:15
now after work you have to get in your
00:39:17
car and drive to the supermarket it's
00:39:19
the end of a workday and the traffic is
00:39:22
apt to be very bad so getting to the
00:39:24
store takes way longer than it should
00:39:27
and when you finally get there the
00:39:28
supermarket is very crowded because of
00:39:30
course it's the time of day when all the
00:39:32
other people with jobs also try to
00:39:33
squeeze in some grocery shopping and the
00:39:36
store is hideously fluorescently lit and
00:39:39
infused with soul killing musac or
00:39:41
corporate pop and it's pretty much the
00:39:44
last place you want to be but you can't
00:39:46
just get in and quickly out you have to
00:39:48
wander all over the huge overlit stores
00:39:50
confusing aisles to find the stuff you
00:39:52
want and you have to maneuver your junky
00:39:55
cart through all these other TI tied
00:39:56
hurried people with card etc etc cutting
00:39:59
stuff out cuz it's a long ceremony and
00:40:02
eventually you get all your supper
00:40:04
supplies except now it turns out there
00:40:06
aren't enough checkout lanes open even
00:40:08
though it's the end of the day rush so
00:40:10
the checkout line is incredibly long
00:40:12
which is stupid and
00:40:14
infuriating but you can't take your
00:40:16
frustration out on the Frantic lady
00:40:17
working the register who is overworked
00:40:20
at a job whose daily tedium and
00:40:22
meaninglessness surpasses the
00:40:23
imagination of any of us here at a
00:40:25
prestigious College
00:40:27
but anyway you finally get to the
00:40:28
checkout Line's front and you pay for
00:40:30
your food and get told to have a nice
00:40:33
day in a voice that is the absolute
00:40:35
voice of
00:40:36
death and then you have to take your
00:40:38
creepy flimsy plastic bags of groceries
00:40:41
in your cart with the one crazy wheel
00:40:43
that pulls madly to the left all the way
00:40:46
out through the crowded bumpy littery
00:40:48
parking lot and then you have to drive
00:40:49
all the way home through slow heavy SUV
00:40:52
intensive rush hour traffic etc
00:40:55
etc everyone here has done this of
00:40:58
course but it hasn't yet been part of
00:41:00
you graduate's actual life routine day
00:41:03
after week after month after year but it
00:41:06
will
00:41:07
be and many more dreary annoying
00:41:10
seemingly meaningless routines
00:41:12
besides but that is not the point the
00:41:15
point is that petty frustrating crap
00:41:17
like this is exactly where the work of
00:41:19
choosing is going to come in because the
00:41:22
traffic jams and crowded aisles and long
00:41:24
checkout lines give me time to think and
00:41:27
if I don't make a conscious decision
00:41:29
about how to think and what to pay
00:41:31
attention to I'm going to be pissed and
00:41:33
miserable every time I have to chop
00:41:36
because my natural default setting is
00:41:38
the certainty that situations like this
00:41:40
are really all about me about my
00:41:42
hungriness and my fatigue and my desire
00:41:45
to just get home and it's going to seem
00:41:47
for all the world like everybody else is
00:41:50
just in my way and who are all these
00:41:53
people in my way and look at how
00:41:55
repulsive most of them are and how
00:41:56
stupid and cowlike and deaded and
00:41:58
non-human they seem in the checkout line
00:42:01
or at how annoying and rude it is that
00:42:03
people are talking loudly on cell phones
00:42:04
in the middle of the line and look at
00:42:06
how deeply personally unfair this
00:42:10
is or of course if I'm in a more
00:42:12
socially conscious liberal arts form of
00:42:14
my default setting I can spend time in
00:42:17
the end of the day traffic being
00:42:18
disgusted about all the huge stupid Lane
00:42:21
blocking SUVs and Hummers and V12 pickup
00:42:24
trucks burning their waist selfish 40
00:42:27
gallon tanks of gas and I can dwell on
00:42:30
the fact the Patriotic or religious
00:42:31
bumper stickers always seem to be on the
00:42:33
biggest most disgustingly selfish
00:42:36
Vehicles driven by the
00:42:43
ugliest see this is an example of how
00:42:45
not to think biggest most disgustingly
00:42:47
selfish Vehicles driven by the ugliest
00:42:49
most inconsiderate and aggressive
00:42:51
drivers and I can think about how our
00:42:53
children's children will despise us for
00:42:55
wasting all the futures Fuel and
00:42:56
probably screwing up the climate and how
00:42:58
spoiled and stupid and selfish and
00:43:00
disgusting we all are and how moderate
00:43:02
consumer Society just sucks and so on
00:43:05
and so forth you get the idea if I
00:43:07
choose to think this way in the store
00:43:09
and on the freeway
00:43:12
fine lots of us do except say thinking
00:43:15
this way tends to be so easy and
00:43:17
automatic that it doesn't have to be a
00:43:19
choice it is my natural default setting
00:43:22
it's the automatic way that I experience
00:43:24
the boring frustrating crowded parts of
00:43:27
adult life when I'm operating on the
00:43:29
automatic unconscious belief that I am
00:43:31
the center of the world and that my
00:43:34
immediate needs and feelings are what
00:43:35
should determine the world's
00:43:37
priorities the thing is that of course
00:43:39
there are totally different ways to
00:43:40
think about these kinds of
00:43:42
situations in this traffic all these
00:43:45
vehicles stuck and idling in my way it's
00:43:48
not impossible that some of these people
00:43:49
in SUVs have been in horrible auto
00:43:51
accidents in the past and now find
00:43:54
driving so terrifying that the therapist
00:43:56
is all but ordered them to get a huge
00:43:58
heavy SUV so they can feel safe enough
00:44:00
to
00:44:01
drve or that the Hummer that just cut me
00:44:03
off is maybe being driven by a father
00:44:05
whose little child is hurt for sick in
00:44:08
the seat next to him and he's trying to
00:44:09
get this kid to the hospital and he's in
00:44:11
a way bigger more legitimate hurry than
00:44:14
I am it is actually I who am in his
00:44:17
way or I can choose to force myself to
00:44:20
consider the likelihood that everyone
00:44:21
else in the supermarket's checkout line
00:44:23
is just as bored and frustrated as I am
00:44:26
and that some of these people probably
00:44:28
have much harder more tedious or painful
00:44:30
lives than I do again please don't think
00:44:33
I'm giving you moral advice or that I'm
00:44:35
saying you're supposed to think this way
00:44:37
or that anyone expects you to just
00:44:39
automatically do it because it's hard it
00:44:42
takes will and effort and if you were
00:44:44
like me some days you won't be able to
00:44:47
do it or you just flat out when want
00:44:49
to thanks for tuning in to this episode
00:44:52
of the best interest podcast if you have
00:44:54
a question for Jesse to answer on on a
00:44:56
future episode send him an email at
00:44:58
Jesse bestin interest. blog again that's
00:45:02
Jesse bestter interest. blog did you
00:45:05
enjoy the show subscribe rate and review
00:45:07
the podcast wherever you listen this
00:45:10
helps others find the show and invest in
00:45:12
knowledge themselves and we really
00:45:14
appreciate it we'll catch you on the
00:45:16
next episode of the best interest
00:45:18
[Music]
00:45:21
podcast the best interest podcast is a
00:45:23
personal podcast me for education and
00:45:25
entertainment it should not be taken as
00:45:28
Financial advice and is not prescriptive
00:45:30
of your financial
00:45:32
situation
