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Zac Guildford sold his commonwealth games medal for gambling money! || Runners Only! with Dom Harvey

October 20, 202201:04:27

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hello and welcome to episode 21 of

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Runners only with dom Harvey on this

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episode Zach Gilford have to live with

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something like that is pretty tough to

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be honest but um I think I'm just trying

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to use I guess my story for others to

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see that there is hope through

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darkness of addiction I don't know if I

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can ever be fully forgiven yeah but you

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know we've talked since and it's I guess

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as good as it can be 11 years ago Zach

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Guilford was in the All Blacks team that

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won the Rugby World Cup he's won Super

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Rugby titles he's won a commonwealth

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games gold medal at the sevens and

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nowadays his life looks completely

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different he's gone from earning half a

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million dollars a year in France to

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being on home detention and living a

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very humble life in Christchurch it's a

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hell of a story there's a lot to unpack

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strap yourself in it's going to be one

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hell of a ride just before we get into

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it quick thanks to the sponsors of this

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episode of Runners only with dom Harvey

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M's power cookies uh these things made

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in New Zealand it says on the wrapper

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they're a good source of protein wheat

00:00:56

free and good source of fiber all I know

00:00:58

is that they taste delicious and they're

00:01:00

really good if you're heading out on a

00:01:01

run M's power cookies they were designed

00:01:04

by a lady called him funnily enough who

00:01:06

won the coast to coast three times she's

00:01:08

a nutritionist she knows what she's on

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about I've got a couple of big runs

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coming up later this year including the

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Kepler challenge in December and you can

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be rest assured these are going to be

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fueling me through that 60k run all

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right let's get into it

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Harley

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[Music]

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[Music]

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Runners only with dom Harvey and Zach

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Guilford hello mate hey brother how are

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you it's good we were just um talking

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before we went into record mode for the

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podcast

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um this is the first time we've met ever

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yeah first time in person feels like

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I've known you forever obviously um you

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know I've had my struggles over the over

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the years and you've reached out time

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and time again and I'm just happy to say

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that I'm in a good eat space this time

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so um yeah it's great it's great it's

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nice to finally meet you because I'm

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very familiar come on in come on in all

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right who's this this is Jack he's my

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he's like I work alongside all right

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how's it going Jake just done I'm Dom

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nice to meet you a lot of people are

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probably scratching their head going why

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why have you got Zach on a running

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podcast

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um so we will get to that so you're on

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home detention at the moment you've got

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a treadmill in your driveway though

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um you do you are running quite a bit at

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the moment yeah yeah yeah I've only got

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got 5K up this morning but

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um running's massive for me in terms of

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therapy

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um

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I remember you know during the first

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lockdown I used

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I'd never really run long distance in my

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life and I use that to keep myself sane

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and I'm doing the same to keep myself

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sane here I managed to do a six weeks

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ago before I started these mints I was

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107 kg ADHD means it is and now it's

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helped me I guess get into that positive

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mind frame and concentrate on the good

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things rather than the bad things

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addictions and stuff like that

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um you know it's helped me you know I've

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got fit again I've lost 10 kgs and you

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you ran a half marathon on the treadmill

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the other week yeah I blew that one off

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I think I've got a new one in but um

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yeah it's tedious that's a that's a long

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time on a treadmill yeah I had some

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um moral support from the household who

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were coming down to the driveway to um

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give me shadow I guess most of the time

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but that got me through it's like two

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hours oh one I think I did it on so

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hoping to do a marathon the coming

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future for suicide awareness with a few

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others oh is that right yeah a full one

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do you want to do it yeah I'd love to

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okay sweet that was easy when are you

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planning on doing it

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um it's actually supposed to be June the

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19th but I'm just waiting on a few

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things in terms of getting

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the absence approved for my bracelet

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right etc etc but

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um yeah I lost a really good friend to

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Suicide about a month ago so it just

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motivated me to I guess put some

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shine some light on an area that we do

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run away from a lot of the time because

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you know people don't like talking about

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suicide or the nitty-gritty things like

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that but um it's a massive issue in this

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country and the more talk about the

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better it's a real thing you know so I

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guess it's just about for me I'm just

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really passionate about not losing

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another brother or sister to Suicide I

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really lost myself to Suicide I've lost

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you know other close friends and just

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enough's enough yeah so yeah let's do

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this Marathon let's come Matt I'd love

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to go with you yeah cool yeah help me

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out so um where are we what what is this

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place

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um this is home yeah work from home

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train from home to everything from home

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um I'm on the bracelet so it makes it

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easy being here to be honest

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um beautiful people that welcome me into

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their house my current employers

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um yeah I work for them as part of

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redemption Recruitment and uh my life

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has been

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awesome

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um the last few months in terms of

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sobriety and continuing this journey of

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um

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and a piece really yeah yeah oh there is

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um there is so much that we've got to

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we've got to talk about yeah that's true

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um I I just don't know where to where to

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start why don't we go we'll go all the

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way back um let's talk to Young Z

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Guildford so um you're growing up where

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Hawkes Bay no yeah Hawk space I was born

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in the in the wairarapa and lived there

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till the age of 10 and then we moved to

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Napier because they've got a job there

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all right so yeah went to Napier boys uh

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played all my footy there got signed at

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high school was you know at the teenager

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17 18 so that was um yeah that was

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pretty pretty oh intense I wasn't ready

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for it I guess yeah yeah so it was how

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much money are you talking then from

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trying to escape 2.50 at the tax shop in

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my last year's civil form to the next

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year been on was you know at least 100K

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[ __ ] yeah yeah wow yeah did you was

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there anyone in the family that was good

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with finances or financial advice yeah

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people tried to help me

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yeah I guess the underlying 88 stay in

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the addiction issues from a young age it

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was just yeah no one could help me you

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know until I was ready to put up my hand

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and help myself which has only been just

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recently yeah so were you were you just

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like naturally good at rugby or did you

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work really hard not really like I I

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tell everyone my brother who's 80 months

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younger 80 months younger than me was

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way better like naturally could step off

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both feet pass off both hands kick off

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you know both feet do whatever you

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wanted pretty much but I was more the

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battler so I had to grind away but

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um obviously you know for the ADHD

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diagnosis it made a lot of sense because

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I was so hyper fixated or rugby

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um it wasn't yeah as I said naturally

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the best but I've worked and worked to

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you know become pretty good at it

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eventually yeah yeah yeah your mom and

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dad with that they had together growing

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up yeah yeah together so were they

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together until your Dad passed yeah they

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were actually in Tokyo so yeah that was

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really tough so what was that like the

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junior World Cup or something yeah so I

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played in the under-19s in 2007 under

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20s 2008 and it was my last year under

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20s 2009. so we're just beat in England

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the final like 44 20 something

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um got a couple of tribes life was good

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and then lined up for the middle and I

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just noticed a bit of commotion up in

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the grandstand I was like oh [ __ ] this

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isn't good just had that feeling you

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know um guts sort of sunk and then I

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just you know looked up seeing commotion

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I was like this I just had the feeling

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that things weren't good you know and

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then I see my mum she was crying and

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waved me up so yeah bro it was um a

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pretty hectic moment of my life it's

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almost like a heart attack or something

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yeah heart attack so you know my old man

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was only 44 Wow 85 kg still playing a

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bit of you know social footy and touch

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and stuff so it's totally out of the

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blue but he effectively had three of his

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major arteries that were blocked so yeah

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it's just a ticking Time by my guess and

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um yeah dropped him straight away and he

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didn't come back from it how the [ __ ] do

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you process that I'm still trying to to

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tell you that yeah if you know I ran

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from it for a long time

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um through addiction

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um rugby

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um

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yeah those are the two things I focused

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on you know it was I guess that hyper

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fixation of what I grew up around and

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that I guess created a false sense of

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safety um once Deb passed away so you

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know I didn't I was given the support

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you know from the rugby unions and stuff

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like that but I was just never real

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really ready to fully surrender oh

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you're a fat you're a cat as well yeah

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exactly you know I was dad died in June

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and I made babies November so it was

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pretty quick

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so and you've got to see you see in the

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black Jersey

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no he did it yeah not all blacks fun but

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um

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Yeah we actually buried him and he's in

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my New Zealand and the 20s top with the

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with the middle so that was um oh my god

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wow so so you win this game you get the

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medal then you find out your your dad's

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like dead in the grandstand what what

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are the next 48 hours look like

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um we actually went back to our team

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room and you know the boys obviously

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wanted to celebrate but it was a big

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dent on celebration so I sort of you

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don't say yes I sort of just had one

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beer with them and sort of and said you

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know have a good night boys but mum and

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I are going to go up to the room and

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obviously process and we just lay there

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the whole night and didn't get much

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sleep to be honest yeah

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did you I mean were you bawling your

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eyes out did you cry or were you quite

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sort of stoic about it um

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pretty blank to tell you the truth

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really yeah I do just went on this this

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was really confused to start with but

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then a lot of emotion I guess around

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anger frustration

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um you know my dad was the only one

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that could really tell me what to do if

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you know what I mean so so when he

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passed away I was like No One's Gonna

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tell me what to do now you were right

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yeah until the Department of Corrections

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came along

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subconsciously for so long you know

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nothing but you know it caused me pain

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yeah yeah what was your relationship

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like with the old man it was good we had

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a really good relationship you know we

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had a good upbringing so there were no

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real

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um excuses in terms of you know falling

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into addiction apart from the fact that

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you know your stead would have beers

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after the game when he played rugby or

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you know yes Trackside will be on

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um but yeah apart from that I you know I

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think I just became really super fixated

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on being a model of my dad and what um

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what he did but um couldn't really

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control that and what's your

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relationship with your mum like yeah

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it's really good yeah mum and I really

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obviously um yeah she's had my back for

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a long time and just looking to

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hopefully give her some peace in terms

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of you know creating some really good

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things for myself well let's stay out of

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trouble oh yeah I mean mums mums they

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always have you back out like so she's

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never going to turn her back on you but

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she must just feel every every time you

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let yourself down or you let other

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people down she must just feel so

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heartbroken yeah yeah you know I can

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tell that it was getting the bit of it

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for a while this I guess well I know

00:11:15

that that was a huge motivation for me

00:11:17

in terms of getting clean and yeah

00:11:19

getting my life sorted um

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yeah it's still a long way to go but I

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know I'm definitely on the right path

00:11:25

and there's there's no turning back so

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yeah your mum's a mess of motivation

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yeah yeah so your dad passes and then

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you make the All Blacks later that year

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can you remember that moment were you

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sort of um

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do you have anything you're about to

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make the All Blacks do you know what I

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mean or or do you get a surprise phone

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call how does that happen

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you want to know the real story yeah

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yeah so

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um we myself and a few other Hawkes Bay

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teammates I won't mention any um names

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because I'll throw myself under the bus

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we're actually in masterton for a

00:11:55

charity netball event on the Saturday

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night we'd played on the Friday and won

00:11:59

so in quite good spirits and then made

00:12:01

our way down to masterton of all places

00:12:03

to um compete in this charity netball

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event and um we actually ended up

00:12:07

getting absolutely slogged

00:12:10

um waking up in the morning

00:12:12

um

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wasn't my spew but there's spew in the

00:12:15

room and then my phone was going off

00:12:17

um

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what's going on yeah and I was like I

00:12:21

should have made the All Blacks so you

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know I guess having to switch from

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um a mode where I was feeling completely

00:12:27

hung over to one where you know everyone

00:12:30

was so happy for me

00:12:32

um yeah it just happened so quickly it's

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hard to put into words so the phone was

00:12:35

good so it had been like announced on

00:12:37

the on the radio or a TV yeah but I

00:12:38

didn't listen to it because I didn't you

00:12:40

didn't think you were gonna be well I

00:12:42

didn't like getting my hopes up right

00:12:43

God you know people were saying oh you

00:12:45

know you're gonna make the all black so

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you're pretty close but

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um I never think you know that way I

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just always like to stay a bit more

00:12:52

reserved in case I don't make it and

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there was disappointment but um I was

00:12:57

definitely stoked but probably at the

00:12:58

same time like that overwhelming feeling

00:13:01

of not being ready for this moment

00:13:04

really well mentally yeah definitely not

00:13:06

ready you know I just lost my dad I

00:13:08

forgot to have life sorted but you know

00:13:10

from a football perspective yeah I was

00:13:12

ready but yeah there's an off-field

00:13:13

stuff as well that wasn't in check right

00:13:15

and who was the um Captain then was it

00:13:17

still Richard yeah what's he like when

00:13:20

you first met him well yeah I had a

00:13:22

metamix because I wasn't at the

00:13:23

Crusaders by this stage um played

00:13:25

against them but yes he's pretty he's he

00:13:28

was a pretty it's not intimidating but I

00:13:30

guess you know he was like a uncle that

00:13:32

you're a little bit scared to talk to

00:13:34

but once you did talk to him you know

00:13:36

um wasn't the most interesting um

00:13:38

conversation from sorry

00:13:42

perspective I've I've heard that about

00:13:44

him I've heard um I think Dan Carter do

00:13:46

an interview and Karen read to an

00:13:47

interview and they say that they only

00:13:49

ever spoke to him about rugby that is a

00:13:51

rugby or airplanes and uh or helicopters

00:13:54

but yeah it was even um he was seeing

00:13:57

some girl I think in like 2010 2011 and

00:13:59

in the lead-up to the World Cup and um

00:14:01

they broke up and he he said they broke

00:14:03

up because he wanted to focus on his

00:14:04

rugby and I was like oh that's a that's

00:14:06

a [ __ ] excuse but the more I hear

00:14:08

about him I think it's probably true

00:14:09

yeah I mean he was just he was the one

00:14:12

person that you'd want to go to war with

00:14:14

on the field

00:14:15

um when you looked into his eyes before

00:14:16

a game he knew that he'd have your back

00:14:18

and that he he's got the whole teams

00:14:19

back so yeah I can't um think of anyone

00:14:22

that I'd rather take the pitch with you

00:14:25

know he's wearing yeah yeah you just

00:14:28

struggle for a bit of humor

00:14:31

sorry Richie very good man so um when

00:14:34

you're in that sort of environment are

00:14:35

you like scared of letting him down and

00:14:37

[ __ ] up or letting uh who like who's

00:14:39

then who are you scared of like Graham

00:14:41

Henry or Richard everyone yeah right

00:14:43

yeah scared of everyone to tell you the

00:14:44

truth um hugee daunting but exciting

00:14:47

moment I'm you know getting kitted out

00:14:49

for the first time we've got phones

00:14:51

watches

00:14:52

um you know all the Adidas clothing

00:14:54

everything that a kid could ever wish

00:14:55

for

00:14:56

um so when I got home from two obviously

00:14:58

I opened my bags and all my mates around

00:14:59

and it was like Christmas for them so

00:15:01

that's that's what I enjoyed yeah that's

00:15:04

awesome what an experience so um yeah

00:15:06

your youngest player on the squad then

00:15:08

as well like that what we are 18 19 no I

00:15:10

was I was 20 20 yeah so I was 20 but

00:15:13

yeah who was my my first roomie was um

00:15:17

DC and Japan because oh is that right

00:15:20

first so um you're really created a good

00:15:23

relationship with DC he's a bloody good

00:15:24

bugger yeah

00:15:26

um yeah so then um Brad Thorne the next

00:15:28

week so they generally put you with the

00:15:30

senior players first right

00:15:31

um but yeah I've had a pretty good

00:15:33

relationship with most of them apart

00:15:35

from when I you know got in trouble but

00:15:38

um yeah they're all good Fellas you know

00:15:40

they're all human they're all normal

00:15:41

guys just um have big responsibility in

00:15:43

terms of vickeries oh absolutely and

00:15:45

then do um dean of them still reach out

00:15:47

to you now like when you when you pop up

00:15:48

in the news for something

00:15:50

um does anyone reach out or they sort of

00:15:52

every now and again but I think you know

00:15:54

people are sort of a little bit sick of

00:15:56

the same old cycle you know yeah talking

00:15:58

to the media the other day I felt a bit

00:16:00

guilty in terms of the fact you know I

00:16:02

told them told them 100 times this is

00:16:04

the time I'm gonna get clean and sober

00:16:06

so I guess you know having to reiterate

00:16:08

it to them but only known deep inside

00:16:10

myself that this is the time

00:16:12

um

00:16:13

has been pretty powerful for me but also

00:16:15

you know I know that there's going to be

00:16:17

a lot of doubters for a long time so

00:16:18

just keep putting one foot in front of

00:16:20

that other each day well I suppose it's

00:16:23

a case of like action speak louder than

00:16:25

words say so now I talked a lot of [ __ ]

00:16:27

for a long time so well not not

00:16:29

intentionally I don't think no not

00:16:31

intentionally I think I I feel like with

00:16:33

you over the over the years with all the

00:16:35

all the stuff up some will get to it

00:16:36

we'll get to all of these we'll unpack

00:16:38

all of these but I feel like um I feel

00:16:40

like you've meant it uh when you when

00:16:41

you say you're going to change and it's

00:16:43

going to be different yeah I I've Mentor

00:16:45

every time yeah but I didn't

00:16:47

know who I was in terms of you know all

00:16:50

the underlying stuff I had had going on

00:16:52

I definitely wasn't ready to put my hand

00:16:54

up it was still out so

00:16:56

um yeah I've definitely definitely meant

00:16:57

it in the past and this time it just

00:16:59

says bigger meaning yeah yeah let's talk

00:17:00

about some fun stuff before we get to

00:17:02

the heavy stuff so um so the Rugby World

00:17:04

Cup 2011 which was amazing you because

00:17:06

they came against Canada 75 15 four

00:17:08

tries yeah four tries how good is that

00:17:11

how good does that feel yeah it was

00:17:13

awesome for me I mean I actually didn't

00:17:15

get picked up until that last pool game

00:17:16

because uh up straight through the media

00:17:20

prior to the World Cup got on the piss

00:17:23

um at the hotel after we lost to

00:17:24

Australia right um the whole all of us

00:17:27

did

00:17:27

um

00:17:28

and I got dragged out in front of the

00:17:30

media still unsure what exactly I did

00:17:32

wrong that night what happened I don't

00:17:34

remember that at all nothing we just got

00:17:35

on the person that I got put in front of

00:17:37

the media about my alcohol related

00:17:39

issues we actually don't think left the

00:17:41

hotel that night so I actually got

00:17:43

dropped until the Canada game all right

00:17:45

so I just trained my ass off that whole

00:17:48

time while the boys are playing there I

00:17:50

think it was initial four

00:17:52

um group

00:17:52

group games and then I just train my ass

00:17:54

off yeah Canada moment actually got name

00:17:57

to play in the quarterfinal the

00:17:58

following week but um pulled my hammy at

00:18:01

training so yeah big sbw jumped on the

00:18:03

wall

00:18:05

um so what happened did you you're on

00:18:08

the bus at the hotel did was there an

00:18:10

incident not really no it's probably a

00:18:12

bit loud as I usually right but um no

00:18:15

not that I can remember I might have to

00:18:16

get rich in for a bit of uh what a

00:18:19

Clarity yeah why did um well why did it

00:18:21

even get out if it was a like a team

00:18:23

situation I don't know if like we're all

00:18:25

on the person our own rooms and stuff so

00:18:27

um yeah maybe I was just the loosest of

00:18:30

the loose yeah well if evidently I was

00:18:33

so that's probably why yeah so then

00:18:35

there's the um the final did you play in

00:18:37

the final no no no obviously I pulled my

00:18:39

Hemi right I got a week of the

00:18:42

quarterfinal so that pretty much ruled

00:18:44

me out you know you had um Corey Jane

00:18:46

and car who were playing awesome so yeah

00:18:49

to come back from a dodgy hammy and a

00:18:52

one-off game I wasn't doing that yeah

00:18:54

that's right yeah that was the um the

00:18:55

World Cup where Corey and Izzy dag they

00:18:59

um they got on the darts on sleeping

00:19:01

pills and yeah how were you not here are

00:19:04

you well I just fell asleep and they

00:19:06

went out

00:19:08

I was always there with those two

00:19:14

sorry boys you had to be thrown on the

00:19:16

bus on medication so

00:19:19

um so even though you're not you'd be

00:19:21

part of the wider Squad uh so even

00:19:23

though you're not playing do you did you

00:19:26

still feel like you were part of it like

00:19:27

you you know when the team won do you

00:19:29

feel like yeah this is my win as well

00:19:31

um

00:19:33

yes and no

00:19:35

um

00:19:36

but I like to give my all and feel like

00:19:39

you know I've contributed but I guess to

00:19:41

only play 80 minutes so the whole

00:19:42

tournament

00:19:44

um yeah massive achievement but you know

00:19:45

I guess the perfectionist and me would

00:19:47

have liked to have contributed a bit

00:19:48

more yeah

00:19:50

you know it's definitely yeah definitely

00:19:52

feel part of it was just a bit tough you

00:19:53

know being on the outer for I guess

00:19:55

seven other games oh you're in good

00:19:57

company though DC as well yeah well he

00:19:59

got injured um I remember that and

00:20:01

Wellington the lead-up to the Canada

00:20:03

game and then Slade fell down and then

00:20:05

cruds come in and beaver so yeah we did

00:20:08

well yeah the best one of the best

00:20:11

moments of my life differently yeah was

00:20:13

that a hell of a night I am I I was

00:20:15

living in um the Auckland suburb of

00:20:16

westmere at the time and the next

00:20:18

morning like 11 A.M

00:20:19

um went for a drive and um drove past

00:20:21

Ali Williams house that's around the

00:20:22

corner so we saw you lurking around

00:20:24

outside his house obviously a big

00:20:26

all-nighter oh wow

00:20:29

you hear guilty since we're being honest

00:20:31

and transparent through this

00:20:33

conversation

00:20:34

um I think I had about two hours sleep

00:20:36

and five days

00:20:38

yeah it was um

00:20:41

amazing awesome like an unreal

00:20:43

experience especially because the whole

00:20:45

I guess country was celebrating with us

00:20:47

it just made it that much more special

00:20:49

but um definitely tested the mental

00:20:52

capacity uh post World Cup well I mean

00:20:55

to be fair at the parade the next day

00:20:57

everyone looked a bit bleary-eyed didn't

00:20:58

they yeah yeah it was a massive night I

00:21:01

think the only ones who didn't

00:21:03

Augustana Bender with the Franks boys

00:21:05

who at the gym I think 16. 16 hours

00:21:08

after winning the World Cup

00:21:11

oh that's crazy yeah oh and um

00:21:14

the Commonwealth Games called middle as

00:21:16

well right yeah yeah yeah what games was

00:21:18

that so it was for the sevens yeah that

00:21:20

was first the sevens New Delhi no um

00:21:23

yeah we played in Delhi there yeah

00:21:25

um I didn't really get a lot of games on

00:21:28

to be honest I was pretty crap at Sevens

00:21:30

at that stage in my life so I think um

00:21:32

touch just picked me because he was

00:21:33

obliged to because I've been dropped

00:21:34

from the

00:21:36

um well they call it tri-nation the

00:21:37

squad right right you know they

00:21:39

contribute a little bit but probably not

00:21:41

a lot I feel like you're being modest

00:21:42

here oh no seriously no I didn't get on

00:21:44

the field in the final because you know

00:21:46

we had um guys with a wealth of

00:21:47

experience before me and they were

00:21:49

actually playing Epic you know like the

00:21:51

Kurt Bakers Jose gear Ben Smith was when

00:21:53

binders and you know that picture form

00:21:55

that he carried for like five or six

00:21:56

years where he was just the machine yeah

00:21:58

yeah so have you got these things still

00:22:00

like the Commonwealth Games gold medal

00:22:02

you know through my gambling addiction I

00:22:05

guess

00:22:06

um you know sold a lot of them

00:22:08

yeah yeah

00:22:10

um guttered with that and such a

00:22:12

yeah a ship path that addiction took me

00:22:15

down you know and those are the moments

00:22:16

that really I guess hit hard how much do

00:22:19

you sell a Rugby World Cup

00:22:22

what I say when is metaphor I think it

00:22:24

was like two grand or something but just

00:22:25

at the stage in a life where I was so

00:22:27

caught up in addiction and couldn't see

00:22:29

a way out that you know gambling and

00:22:31

finding peace through addiction was the

00:22:32

only way forward and

00:22:34

um the first time I've told you know the

00:22:36

media anything like this but um not that

00:22:38

you're the media's podcast but you know

00:22:40

to open up about it is you know first

00:22:42

for me and something that I never

00:22:44

thought I'd open up on that's very brave

00:22:46

of you to do that I think so yeah

00:22:48

um no I really appreciate it oh that's

00:22:51

um so who who's got them is there any

00:22:52

way you can buy them like they mean

00:22:55

this is this is the thing like they mean

00:22:57

something to you they don't mean

00:22:58

anything to anyone else no they don't

00:23:00

but you know it's just I guess scars of

00:23:02

my previous life that I that I have to

00:23:04

carry but I'm in the process of process

00:23:06

of healing those um I know who they've

00:23:09

gone through and I know they've been

00:23:10

taking good care of right you know it's

00:23:12

just you know that whole grief stage

00:23:14

post addiction is what I'm going through

00:23:16

now and I think you know honesty is a

00:23:18

big part of it part of that yeah

00:23:20

absolutely absolutely so same fight till

00:23:23

all your all black jerseys and every

00:23:25

sort of bit of memorability not every

00:23:26

bit you know I've got

00:23:28

um my first jersey that won't leave

00:23:29

mum's wall at home yeah cool um the

00:23:32

Wales one

00:23:33

um second ones on my uncles uncle's wall

00:23:36

so I got the first two sort of family

00:23:38

plastered on the wall so they can't go

00:23:40

anywhere but yeah I guess you know I

00:23:42

guess reflecting on a bit of that you

00:23:44

know there's that hurt there but

00:23:46

um it's all part of the process post

00:23:47

addiction yeah absolutely absolutely and

00:23:50

it it's not a healthy space to be

00:23:51

beating yourself up too much hey like

00:23:53

you have to try and draw a line in the

00:23:55

sand and move on I guess yeah I mean

00:23:57

yeah like when I talk to people now and

00:23:59

I guess explain

00:24:00

yeah a bit deeper about my addiction and

00:24:03

where it took me

00:24:04

um like [ __ ] I can't believe that you

00:24:06

know you seem in good such good spirits

00:24:08

so I'm like well yeah it's just your

00:24:11

recovery is a lot better place to be

00:24:13

than full swing addiction where you're

00:24:14

just trying to find peace where no peace

00:24:16

can be found yeah how did the addiction

00:24:18

start when did it start and what what uh

00:24:20

is it alcohol initially or

00:24:22

I was gambling from a really young age

00:24:24

was big in my family

00:24:26

um the only channel that was

00:24:28

you know on at my grandparents house or

00:24:30

uncles when we got together was

00:24:31

Trackside yeah

00:24:33

um so I became you know hyper fixated

00:24:35

with that and obviously there was the

00:24:36

drinking around but our family wasn't

00:24:38

you know heavy heavy drinkers but I've

00:24:40

seen it as something cool that you know

00:24:41

my dad did so you know copied that and

00:24:44

then my dad played rugby as well so I

00:24:46

thought you know the first three yeah

00:24:48

three things that I thought were cool

00:24:50

and that you know I'd molded my dad

00:24:52

around but I couldn't do it within my

00:24:54

means it was a kiwi thing I think like

00:24:56

70s 80s maybe even 90s rugby racing and

00:24:58

beer yes I was you know I was sitting I

00:25:00

was put on dulwich ways with fairies

00:25:02

from the age of three or four you know I

00:25:04

was sipping my you know my dad's beer

00:25:07

the same age and playing rugby at the

00:25:09

same age and it just carried through

00:25:10

Into My Teenage life where I had no

00:25:13

control drinking was to blackout from

00:25:14

the age of 14.

00:25:16

um you know gambling was you know the

00:25:18

five or ten bucks I had and

00:25:20

um I wasn't actually introduced to

00:25:22

well harder drags into my 20s yeah what

00:25:25

was that you love the cake didn't you

00:25:26

yeah Coke

00:25:29

um even a bit of meth made its way is

00:25:31

that right into the dictionary oh glass

00:25:33

Barbie yeah yeah terrible way what's

00:25:35

snorting it or smoking at all yeah that

00:25:38

was that was you're probably lucky you

00:25:39

got out of life like a lot a lot of

00:25:41

people aren't so lucky with that one no

00:25:42

they're not yeah they're not so you know

00:25:44

that's when I eventually hit rock bottom

00:25:46

decided to come down here and make a few

00:25:47

changes needed ones

00:25:53

you must have been cleanish when you're

00:25:55

in like the All Blacks environment or

00:25:57

the rugby environment so how I would

00:25:59

explain my addiction

00:26:01

with gambling it was consistent it was

00:26:04

every day all day you know I couldn't

00:26:06

separate myself from it because it was

00:26:09

you know that safety I guess that safety

00:26:11

net I built in my head over time that

00:26:13

that's what my family did so that's what

00:26:14

I'm going to do to make me safe then

00:26:16

because I was always losing because I

00:26:18

was a [ __ ] Gambler yeah The House Always

00:26:21

Wins yeah I was always chasing so it was

00:26:23

that toxic cycle I remember you know

00:26:24

even some days being at rugby trading

00:26:26

Crusaders talks about who it might be

00:26:28

and pretending I need to go taller and

00:26:29

check it into chick you know the schools

00:26:31

or the result of a race or something so

00:26:32

it's really a sad time

00:26:35

yeah it has well it's just I I don't

00:26:37

know if you if you're able to do this

00:26:39

but like for someone that um doesn't

00:26:42

have an issue with gambling like can you

00:26:44

explain what the attraction is is it

00:26:45

like a is it like an adrenaline rush a

00:26:48

dopamine hat what is that well I'm

00:26:49

trying to figure that out for myself now

00:26:51

I guess you know anything away from

00:26:53

gambling for a period of time it's like

00:26:54

[ __ ] that's actually a really boring

00:26:57

thing to do but I think you know it was

00:27:00

um a whole lot of everything was you

00:27:02

know I guess a false sense of security

00:27:03

what I'd seen my family do it was

00:27:06

um Adrenaline Rush differently but

00:27:08

you've got you know tin can a horse and

00:27:11

it's um wins by a nose down the street

00:27:13

that's pretty big rush I'm gonna pause

00:27:15

you right there 10K on a horse yeah yeah

00:27:18

a tenth is that the biggest bit you ever

00:27:20

had

00:27:21

no I've put 25 count of horses

00:27:26

did It win

00:27:28

it did oh that's a bad lesson

00:27:32

oh [ __ ] so we're pretty much only paid

00:27:35

like a dollar fifty or something not

00:27:37

even doubling my money just yeah oh

00:27:39

chase chase that doesn't make any sense

00:27:41

[ __ ] that's the price of a car

00:27:43

you can buy a lot of things to talk

00:27:45

about okay I mean yeah when I look back

00:27:47

now it's like [ __ ] that'd be nice to

00:27:48

have but so you uh you were earning

00:27:51

great money like probably in the top two

00:27:53

percent of men come earners in the

00:27:54

country at that time most of the money

00:27:56

did you invest in anything or did it

00:27:58

just all go on no I bought a house in

00:28:00

Northwood yeah

00:28:01

um which is just up the road here but I

00:28:03

had to sell that once I lost my contract

00:28:05

the waratahs because I you know I didn't

00:28:07

have any money put away I was just

00:28:08

pretty much even though you know some

00:28:10

days I was getting some months I was

00:28:12

getting

00:28:13

a lot of months actually I was getting

00:28:14

you know 10 20 sometimes 30 40 can to my

00:28:17

account and um

00:28:19

I just had no appreciation of money yeah

00:28:22

novel didn't value it like you know 100

00:28:25

bucks was nothing yeah these days it's

00:28:28

everything you know yeah

00:28:31

just trying to process those bits yeah

00:28:32

I'm trying to process it again oh God

00:28:35

I would if I had a bit that big I'd feel

00:28:37

sick I feel I feel sick to my stomach

00:28:40

you you feel sick and then like a wave

00:28:43

of like a dopamine when it wins or

00:28:46

um

00:28:46

the ones didn't feel like a lot yeah

00:28:48

like there'd be that I guess automatic

00:28:51

relief

00:28:53

but then you know just be the same cycle

00:28:56

again chasing more it didn't matter if I

00:28:58

got up to you know 100K in my tab

00:29:00

account there was never enough

00:29:02

um it was never going to be enough you

00:29:04

know because of an addict chasing yeah

00:29:07

great someone's only ever the horses

00:29:09

never never slot machines or anything

00:29:11

never not really pokies a little bit but

00:29:13

not really I mean it was mainly just

00:29:15

horses and Sport should be you would

00:29:17

have been hardcore you'd have been like

00:29:18

if it was just some some crappy

00:29:20

Australian thing on from Mooney Valley

00:29:21

that would be you know Mooney Valley was

00:29:23

like a premium standard we're looking at

00:29:26

um what is it called

00:29:28

dogs

00:29:30

on the 300 meter grass track that's when

00:29:32

you know you're in a bed yeah space

00:29:34

let's run through your Super Rugby

00:29:35

career so you you play for just about

00:29:37

everyone right you play for the

00:29:38

Hurricanes firstly um yeah played for

00:29:41

the Hurricanes when I was first out of

00:29:42

school yep that was pretty cool yeah

00:29:45

pretty loose at the same time was it

00:29:47

yeah who was in the team then Jerry

00:29:49

Collins yes Conrad Smurf Tommy Allison

00:29:52

soy Arlo you know all the big names that

00:29:55

are grown up watching um but all really

00:29:59

good people yeah

00:30:01

um yeah

00:30:03

so yes you're there for a while

00:30:05

um that wasn't a successful time for the

00:30:07

Hurricanes no they never made the

00:30:09

semi-finals both years I think we lost

00:30:11

we lost the Chiefs one year and maybe

00:30:13

the Chiefs again I'm just struggling to

00:30:16

remember but yeah that was a great time

00:30:17

I mean I was there from 0809

00:30:21

um and then wasn't really playing well

00:30:24

for the hurricanes in 09

00:30:26

um

00:30:27

which is the same year I made the All

00:30:29

Blacks effectively so decided to come

00:30:31

down here and play for the Crusaders

00:30:33

yeah so you're going from a good team to

00:30:35

a great team yeah yeah and I just yeah

00:30:37

it was just made sense to come down here

00:30:39

and learn off the best like DC and and

00:30:41

those fellas and I had a great time down

00:30:43

here I think I've played 60 odd games or

00:30:45

something

00:30:46

um and then decided to go with France

00:30:48

after that yeah so so when you were down

00:30:50

here

00:30:52

um and Christchurch playing for the

00:30:53

Crusaders you managed to sort of um keep

00:30:55

your addictions in check no no no no so

00:30:59

I was always there just lurking in the

00:31:00

background always there you know

00:31:01

obviously

00:31:03

um you know the alcohol and drug some

00:31:05

more binges well I wasn't constantly

00:31:07

drunk or constantly wasted right so

00:31:09

you'd pick a time where you can do it so

00:31:11

you know you're not going to be tested

00:31:12

or yeah but it you know it wasn't always

00:31:14

the best time either you know

00:31:17

um in terms of being a professional

00:31:19

athlete you know you've got to turn up

00:31:20

to training on Monday and be prepared

00:31:22

but I wasn't turning up prepared at all

00:31:24

you know and you can only

00:31:26

fake it for a certain amount of time So

00:31:27

eventually you know got found out and

00:31:29

then

00:31:30

decided to go over to France but um

00:31:33

yeah what was what happened there was a

00:31:35

kicked out of the squad or so it was

00:31:37

2014 I just healed the Crusaders and oh

00:31:39

yeah I wasn't in a good space at all I

00:31:41

was

00:31:42

um

00:31:43

trying to self-medicate

00:31:45

um through prescription drugs I guess

00:31:48

gambling yeah same [ __ ] and they didn't

00:31:52

play me for that whole year and I

00:31:54

remember walking past uh Todd black at

00:31:56

his office would have been halfway

00:31:57

through the season and um I said how you

00:32:00

going

00:32:01

I see all [ __ ] [ __ ] you know I

00:32:03

haven't played a game it's like I guess

00:32:05

it's like a builder turning up and not

00:32:07

seeing any progress on his house so you

00:32:09

know we decided that day that I'd get an

00:32:11

early release and get to go over to

00:32:13

France why haven't they played you we

00:32:14

were you not on form or did they just

00:32:17

know that you had some stuff going on

00:32:18

yeah they knew I had stuff going on

00:32:20

um I knew I had stuff going on but

00:32:21

wasn't fully ready to address it I guess

00:32:24

you know

00:32:25

um that's just when I sort of hit a

00:32:27

brick wall for the first time

00:32:29

um that was 2014 and

00:32:32

yeah it didn't get on the field once

00:32:34

that season did in hindsight like do you

00:32:37

wish more was done like do you wish

00:32:38

there was like some sort of an

00:32:39

intervention or there were plenty of

00:32:41

interventions yeah I just wasn't wasn't

00:32:43

ready you know to put up my hand and say

00:32:45

you know I'm the problem I'm the common

00:32:46

denominator

00:32:48

um you know no matter how many times I

00:32:49

hit rock bottom over my professional

00:32:51

career it obviously wasn't hard enough

00:32:53

yeah to make me think otherwise

00:32:56

crazy oh crazy so then after that you

00:32:58

was it New South Wales after that for

00:33:00

the war of towers France first year yeah

00:33:03

then you know same problems different

00:33:04

country I thought you know half a half a

00:33:07

mill a year will sort me out but

00:33:08

effectively what you were getting yeah

00:33:09

wow yeah I was on yeah about that wow

00:33:12

did you enjoy enjoy the lifestyle I

00:33:14

enjoy the experience yeah yeah I love I

00:33:16

love France but I think I you know I

00:33:18

definitely missed that

00:33:20

communication from home if you know what

00:33:21

I mean yeah um homesick do you think

00:33:24

yeah yeah

00:33:25

um homesick but being able to have those

00:33:27

conversations that we take for granted

00:33:29

on The Daily here because my French

00:33:30

wasn't that flash obviously so yeah

00:33:32

they're quite lonely in existence hey if

00:33:34

you can't um yeah yeah and then when you

00:33:35

had all the stuff I had going on in my

00:33:37

head

00:33:38

um I think it was after about 10 months

00:33:39

I decided to just come home yeah then um

00:33:42

was up to the same stuff over there so

00:33:44

no amount of money was going to save me

00:33:46

what's what's that just the alcohol

00:33:47

drugs alcohol drugs gambling same same

00:33:50

cycle that I couldn't break easier and

00:33:52

cheaper to get Coke over there as well

00:33:54

it was easier and cheaper

00:33:57

um so yeah more money for gambling more

00:33:59

money for gambling and believe it or not

00:34:01

even though you know I was in that

00:34:03

amount of money I was still in debt each

00:34:05

month because you know I was doing

00:34:08

what I thought no I didn't think it was

00:34:11

right it was stupid I was doing what I

00:34:14

had taught myself it was just impulsive

00:34:15

behavior I guess very impulsive

00:34:18

did you ever go to canceling or anything

00:34:20

if you go to a therapist through this

00:34:21

time or no yeah I went to rehab in 2013.

00:34:25

um

00:34:27

started the Crusader season yeah that

00:34:29

actually put me in a really good space

00:34:30

you know I think I was

00:34:32

sober and away from gambling for at

00:34:35

least four to six months okay so then um

00:34:38

so after France then you're in Sydney is

00:34:41

that right for the world House New South

00:34:42

West Warwick house I come back from

00:34:44

France played

00:34:45

at Hawke's Bay yeah and then got asked

00:34:48

not to come back oh [ __ ] so I didn't

00:34:51

even make it I think I made it to all

00:34:53

but the final two games of the Season

00:34:55

yeah

00:34:56

um my last game of for Hawke's Bay was

00:34:58

against waikato

00:35:00

um

00:35:01

left Tech on Damien McKenzie played like

00:35:04

utter crap subbed after 55 and never

00:35:06

played Hawks Bay again

00:35:08

wow wow

00:35:11

hey we're jumping around a bit here so

00:35:13

Raritan what happened there there was

00:35:15

yeah there was that was like the first

00:35:17

sort of Zach Guilford Scandal I guess so

00:35:19

this was after the Rugby World Cup yeah

00:35:20

after the Rugby World Cup and what you

00:35:22

you were um you're nude on a scooter

00:35:24

what's I don't know if I was nude on

00:35:26

them but just um myself and Richard

00:35:30

Buckman the backtrack would actually got

00:35:32

over there um

00:35:34

a day before the rest of the wedding

00:35:36

party was about to arrive because we're

00:35:38

like oh we'll get we'll get the island

00:35:39

ready for them all but we they flew in

00:35:42

that next night and apparently we were

00:35:45

outside the airport uh doing hackers and

00:35:48

stuff like that just being silly buggers

00:35:50

so just absolutely steamed and

00:35:53

um couldn't control myself to be honest

00:35:56

yeah so do you remember much about it no

00:35:58

not a lot

00:36:00

um blackout pretty much yeah like just

00:36:02

waking I remember waking up in the

00:36:04

morning in the in the cell and it just

00:36:07

absolutely reeking of your own and

00:36:09

having the worst dry Horrors that I've

00:36:11

ever had in my life because of the

00:36:12

temperature and humidity over there and

00:36:14

just being like what the hell have I

00:36:16

done you know like I hadn't didn't have

00:36:19

a lot of recollection I saw what just

00:36:21

happened yeah um so I definitely knew I

00:36:24

had a problem at that stage yeah but um

00:36:27

actually tried to address it but just

00:36:30

just hustled with it for a long time

00:36:32

yeah yeah because I remember like when

00:36:34

that story broke because obviously you

00:36:36

know you're an all black you've got a

00:36:37

very big profile suspect news back home

00:36:39

but it I mean it's not funny now knowing

00:36:42

the the extent of your addiction and

00:36:44

where it's taken you but at the time I

00:36:45

remember thinking what a lad yeah that

00:36:47

sort of that's what a lot of people have

00:36:49

said to me as well over the years is

00:36:50

that you know just that what any other

00:36:52

kiwi lead would have done etc etc but

00:36:55

yeah I think I probably took it to the

00:36:58

news yeah and you know just become

00:37:01

very tiring you know the same old

00:37:03

excuses time and time again

00:37:05

um but yeah okay definitely you know

00:37:08

still get [ __ ] for it today but I

00:37:10

managed to have a laugh one way or

00:37:11

another through the pain yeah yeah so so

00:37:14

that happens so I'm guessing you're in

00:37:15

trouble with um with the bride in

00:37:17

particular yeah yeah yeah yeah I just

00:37:20

literally I think locked myself in a

00:37:23

room because I could hardly walk I'd

00:37:24

taken some

00:37:26

um massive Falls I remember the cops are

00:37:30

trying to drive me to the hospital to

00:37:31

get stitched up and I thought no stuff

00:37:34

first you know the scary looking guys

00:37:36

were better so I jumped out the police

00:37:38

car landed on the road

00:37:40

jumped over a bridge into the water and

00:37:42

was trying to swim away from them oh my

00:37:44

God

00:37:45

that bit of the story never came out no

00:37:48

no so so then um then I got cold yeah

00:37:53

yeah

00:37:54

um so then like what sort of trouble do

00:37:56

you get in with the New Zealand Rugby

00:37:57

Union when something like this happens

00:37:58

do you get called in for a meeting I got

00:38:01

a monetary fine of like 4K or something

00:38:03

obviously caught on for meeting got four

00:38:05

game Stand Down

00:38:06

and my first game back was the

00:38:09

Highlanders down there the whole zoo was

00:38:12

chanting while I was on the bench was

00:38:13

chanting guilford's on the purse

00:38:16

guildford's on the bus and I don't think

00:38:18

I've ever felt so small really a Rugby

00:38:21

field because you know I'm still trying

00:38:23

to get my confidence back post really

00:38:24

long and then you've got the whole zoo

00:38:26

chanting that whilst you're trying to do

00:38:27

10 meter shuttles and yeah but you know

00:38:29

it's

00:38:30

um

00:38:32

I guess I can sort of see the humorous

00:38:34

side of it but I'll also see you know

00:38:35

the I guess the pain I calls myself you

00:38:38

know and supporters and stuff over the

00:38:39

years so you know I can have a giggle

00:38:41

about it but at the same time you know

00:38:43

don't get me wrong I'm extremely

00:38:45

disappointed and gutted with you know

00:38:47

the way I conducted myself over the

00:38:48

years yeah and I think that says a lot

00:38:50

about the um yeah the drinking culture

00:38:53

in this country and the attitude towards

00:38:55

drinking as well like it was it was

00:38:56

probably like a mark of respect them

00:38:57

chanting that to you because they would

00:38:59

have all been on the piss as well like

00:39:00

yeah most probably which is yeah I mean

00:39:03

really it's not something to be

00:39:03

celebrated is that well no not really

00:39:06

not no it's definitely not but yeah I

00:39:09

think you know

00:39:10

that I guess binge drinking culture was

00:39:13

a massive for me growing up especially

00:39:15

you know throughout my high school years

00:39:17

um you know I would get a couple of kegs

00:39:19

between the first 15 and just drink till

00:39:21

we dropped yeah yeah

00:39:23

um set the same school as juicy Rider so

00:39:26

we've locked horns a few times over the

00:39:28

years good man but um yes is he still

00:39:31

down here in Christchurch is he in

00:39:33

Christchurch I thought it said it was

00:39:34

for a while or maybe not I hope not I'm

00:39:36

hiding a few years really why is that

00:39:39

he's a good boy

00:39:42

um so I feel like so that was that there

00:39:44

was the Rarotonga thing then then we

00:39:46

didn't really hear anything about you

00:39:47

for um for many years so were you

00:39:50

keeping your nose clean or were you just

00:39:51

sort of like doing that doing your

00:39:53

addictive behavior and your shadows I

00:39:55

guess yeah I definitely I've definitely

00:39:57

had clean spells over the years

00:39:59

um

00:40:01

away from drugs

00:40:03

alcohol

00:40:05

but the gambling was the consistent one

00:40:07

that was making me really sick I would

00:40:09

hide behind you know I'd say no it's the

00:40:11

drugs and alcohol even to the media

00:40:12

because I never wanted anyone to find

00:40:13

out that I was the

00:40:15

all black with a gambling problem who

00:40:17

didn't have any money you know so I had

00:40:19

behind that guilt and shame for a long

00:40:21

time which is probably why I've gone

00:40:24

um

00:40:25

ghost mode a few times and just you

00:40:27

haven't heard from me because you know

00:40:28

just hiding behind that guilt and shame

00:40:30

but

00:40:31

um you know once it was listed lifted in

00:40:33

the last few months just it's uh I don't

00:40:36

know you know if I don't own it then I'm

00:40:37

going to keep running from it yeah

00:40:38

absolutely absolutely and yeah once

00:40:41

you're in it I suppose it allows you to

00:40:42

have a clean slate moving forward yeah I

00:40:44

don't know about a clean slate but at

00:40:46

least that you know most of it's out

00:40:47

there in the open and yeah it's like you

00:40:49

know people who want to judge will judge

00:40:51

but you know I think people have been

00:40:53

through what I have

00:40:55

and you you know addiction know that

00:40:58

you know it's at your own pace your

00:41:00

journey is very personal yeah each

00:41:02

person's recovery journey is different

00:41:03

yeah and now what was the um what was

00:41:06

the Uber incident or the taxi incident

00:41:08

oh yeah what's the story there I can

00:41:10

talk about that okay

00:41:12

um

00:41:13

really gutted myself in the section you

00:41:16

know I've always been

00:41:17

I guess one of those men that stand

00:41:19

every anyone that that's a woman is a

00:41:21

coward a nice little stand by that stuff

00:41:22

which um effectively

00:41:26

made me a cow would you know

00:41:28

um

00:41:29

but you had a big night in the Hawke's

00:41:32

Bay

00:41:33

um thirsty whale no I didn't go out at

00:41:36

these times because I didn't want to be

00:41:38

seen or judged you know I might have

00:41:40

gone to a local pub but

00:41:42

um I was actually getting dropped off

00:41:43

after being drinking all day and I'd had

00:41:45

a altercation earlier that night and

00:41:48

thought the person in the front was the

00:41:50

person who had had an altercation with

00:41:51

that was talking about you know my

00:41:53

family members and stuff and something

00:41:56

was said and I reached over and actually

00:41:57

thought I punched a dude that's how

00:41:59

intoxicated I was right woke up in the

00:42:01

morning to a number of text messages and

00:42:04

explain what I'd done and um yeah I can

00:42:08

say that was a very low moment in my

00:42:10

life so can you can you remember it or

00:42:13

you just or you just remember it because

00:42:15

you you know through text messages and

00:42:17

whatever you know that that's what

00:42:18

happened pretty much yeah about the

00:42:20

actual incident um who was she she's a

00:42:23

friend yeah a friend of a friend and um

00:42:26

yeah like just people

00:42:29

don't deserve that and my behavior was

00:42:32

atrocious stage even though you know I

00:42:35

say to myself you know I didn't know it

00:42:37

was a girl it's not an excuse

00:42:39

um just another motivation for me to

00:42:41

keep on this journey of sobriety because

00:42:43

from what I know about you like you're

00:42:45

um you know you've got a good hat like

00:42:47

you're a good guy so when when you wake

00:42:49

up in the morning and you realize you've

00:42:51

done that like what do you do do you

00:42:53

give your burst into tears how do you

00:42:55

feel

00:42:56

um yeah there were definitely tears that

00:42:58

morning even though you know I don't cry

00:43:00

a lot they won't because that was an

00:43:02

action that I never thought that myself

00:43:05

um

00:43:06

but yeah I just remember that day being

00:43:10

just curled up on the couch just hiding

00:43:12

away from the world but trying to I

00:43:14

guess

00:43:15

um explain myself to the person I'd hit

00:43:18

and also our friends who you know we

00:43:20

have mutual friends together

00:43:22

um and just trying to make sense of it

00:43:23

myself and it doesn't make sense to be

00:43:25

honest apart from the fact that I was

00:43:27

caught up

00:43:28

in the cycle of addiction yeah you'd

00:43:30

think something like that would be the

00:43:31

moment where you go okay that's it I

00:43:32

just can't drink yeah exactly

00:43:35

um you know because that's addiction

00:43:37

right yeah I thought that would have

00:43:38

been the moment too

00:43:39

um yeah I actually had further [ __ ] to

00:43:43

put myself through Believe It or Not

00:43:45

which I cannot believe today yeah to

00:43:47

eventually get to that rock bottom where

00:43:48

it really hurts and um it starts to sink

00:43:51

in yeah so um did you go through some um

00:43:54

restorative justice with um with the the

00:43:57

woman involved or did you did you meet

00:43:58

her and yeah we went through restorative

00:44:00

justice and um

00:44:02

I think she finally you know understood

00:44:04

that it wasn't my intention that I was

00:44:07

completely I guess messed up and yeah

00:44:09

wasted but still on my head that's not

00:44:11

an excuse yeah I'm here only my [ __ ]

00:44:13

today and um have to live with something

00:44:15

like that is pretty tough to be honest

00:44:17

but um I think I'm just trying to use I

00:44:19

guess my story for others to see that

00:44:22

there is hope through

00:44:24

darkness of addiction absolutely has she

00:44:26

forgiven you now do you think

00:44:28

um

00:44:29

I don't know if I can ever be fully

00:44:31

forgiven yeah

00:44:32

but you know we've talked since and

00:44:35

I guess as good as it can be yeah right

00:44:37

okay well that's good what happened

00:44:38

after that you see you end up in um

00:44:40

playing rugby there yeah it was actually

00:44:43

uh oh actually yeah I ended up playing

00:44:47

for waikato in between another club over

00:44:49

in France and between all those years

00:44:50

but we'll just passports really because

00:44:52

it's really the same old story Dom

00:44:54

[ __ ] [ __ ] house but if every time you

00:44:58

go to a like a new club or a new country

00:44:59

are you saying to yourself

00:45:01

um right this is it this is a you know

00:45:03

fresh start this is my chance or

00:45:06

or in your heart you're like well I'm

00:45:09

just gonna do the same [ __ ] over there

00:45:10

no every time you know every time I've

00:45:12

gone to a new club

00:45:14

it is with the intention of being

00:45:17

a great player and a better person yeah

00:45:19

and I've initially done that through the

00:45:21

clubs that I've been to but in that

00:45:22

consistency waivers you know after I

00:45:24

guess the initial period of excitement

00:45:26

and um that was a common Trend you know

00:45:29

I'd do really well to start and then go

00:45:31

off track

00:45:32

um so you know something I can now

00:45:34

recognize yeah maybe definitely too

00:45:36

little too late in terms of a rugby

00:45:37

career but yeah how old are you now 33

00:45:41

yeah

00:45:42

I don't know Brad Thorne was still

00:45:44

playing when he was 50 wasn't he

00:45:47

um no no yeah I don't know like I said I

00:45:50

put this boots on next year and have a

00:45:51

run around you know just for a club team

00:45:53

here or something but I think that's

00:45:55

more just you know so I can so I can

00:45:57

play the game that I love for so long in

00:45:59

a decent mindset free of addiction yeah

00:46:01

um so that's that's why I want to do

00:46:03

that yeah just because I feel like I

00:46:05

probably oh the game a bit too yeah do

00:46:08

you how do you mean oh I guess you know

00:46:10

the supporters and everyone that's

00:46:12

followed me over the years have

00:46:14

um you know been lit down time and time

00:46:16

again so yeah you know all right to them

00:46:18

just you know to put the boots on while

00:46:19

I'm in a good head space and and myself

00:46:21

I'm not expecting to return to any Great

00:46:24

Heights but um just be nice to have a

00:46:26

run and enjoy it yeah it's yes what does

00:46:29

like career-wise what does the rest of

00:46:30

your life look like like you're still

00:46:31

you're still pretty young on the big

00:46:33

scheme of things yeah yeah

00:46:35

um do you mean rugby or oh and I just

00:46:36

like yeah career-wise life-wise um I say

00:46:39

at the moment I'm working for a

00:46:41

recruitment company yeah called

00:46:42

Redemption Solutions uh so

00:46:46

what we do is I guess provide hope we

00:46:48

deal with a lot of people who've been

00:46:50

through wins or the system and it

00:46:52

somehow hasn't really worked for them so

00:46:55

I guess

00:46:56

um you know my relatable story and also

00:46:58

the people that we work with were quite

00:47:00

real with the people that come into our

00:47:01

office and are looking for work and I

00:47:04

think they appreciate that because I

00:47:05

guess we're we're now that Beacon of

00:47:07

light for them having been through our

00:47:09

[ __ ] or be you know I'm still you know

00:47:12

quite early in my journey I just know

00:47:14

that it's not going to go backwards this

00:47:16

time which is hard for a lot of people

00:47:18

to believe I know well yeah it's like we

00:47:20

were saying before like it's um maybe a

00:47:22

bit of a boy who cried wolf and it's

00:47:24

just a case of action speak louder

00:47:25

please so just take time to prove it

00:47:27

yeah so I guess

00:47:29

um where I'm at now is that you know I'm

00:47:30

helping myself as well as helping others

00:47:32

I've always been extremely giving person

00:47:35

but now I think it's just trying giving

00:47:38

out that hope and giving sharing my

00:47:40

stories that allows others to be

00:47:42

vulnerable yeah and you know it allows

00:47:43

them to open up and open that

00:47:45

let on the trauma that they're dealing

00:47:47

with because uh yeah I slipped my lid

00:47:49

bubbling for too long you know yeah yeah

00:47:52

vulnerability yeah it's um and it needs

00:47:55

to be redefined as more of a strength

00:47:56

rather than a weakness I feel like um

00:47:58

when you're playing on the All Blacks

00:47:59

you'll probably you know you're like

00:48:01

hard I mean so it's probably not I feel

00:48:04

like it's probably a bit different now

00:48:05

with um yeah the likes of Artie severe

00:48:07

and Co you know sort of um you know

00:48:09

encouraging people to be vulnerable but

00:48:11

yeah I'm guessing it wasn't a big thing

00:48:12

when you were there

00:48:13

really

00:48:15

um you know we had a lot of

00:48:16

I guess tough mean around at that time

00:48:19

you know the likes of Jerry Collins and

00:48:21

Brad the one and those men so

00:48:24

um I didn't really want to show you any

00:48:25

signs of weakness no you know

00:48:27

um so I just kept that bottled up for a

00:48:29

very long time

00:48:31

um

00:48:31

and didn't really know who to talk to

00:48:33

without sounding like a

00:48:36

a [ __ ] I guess

00:48:38

yeah yeah you don't want to show any

00:48:41

weakness yeah no so yeah but I think you

00:48:43

know

00:48:44

vulnerability is massive you know I

00:48:46

think yeah it's definitely a strength

00:48:48

that more of us males need to adapt

00:48:51

um because it allows us to talk about

00:48:52

our [ __ ] and then use tools that are

00:48:54

actually going to be meaningful in our

00:48:55

life yeah what's your what's your inner

00:48:57

voice like

00:48:58

and a voice yeah uh my inner voice used

00:49:01

to be terrible yeah

00:49:02

um you know I used to

00:49:04

tell me to do all the things that I

00:49:05

shouldn't pretty much take in my life

00:49:07

down a downward spiral

00:49:10

um but I guess making peace with what

00:49:13

I like to call my tanifa

00:49:16

um

00:49:18

it's like a monster right yeah yeah so

00:49:20

yeah a good friend of mine Rob mokadaka

00:49:22

talks about it he's actually oh yeah he

00:49:24

was I want to get him on the podcast

00:49:25

yeah he um he tried suicide by cop yeah

00:49:27

yeah yeah he's really good so I'm good

00:49:29

mates of him but yeah

00:49:31

um long story short what we're talking

00:49:33

about oh the tiny fat the tiny yeah

00:49:34

you're on a voice just making peace with

00:49:36

that because I tried to wrestle with my

00:49:37

tanifa for a long time and but actually

00:49:40

getting to know

00:49:42

who I was deep down into the core making

00:49:44

peace with that Tony file was where I've

00:49:47

really found some benefits and

00:49:49

yeah just that knowledge of knowledge of

00:49:51

self has created a lot a lot more power

00:49:53

than what I used to have I suppose that

00:49:55

brings us to now and the reason that

00:49:57

you're here with this um home detention

00:49:59

bracelet on first of all how much time

00:50:00

you got on home detention I've got till

00:50:03

December the middle of December right

00:50:05

that's currently um towards the end of

00:50:08

May so are you allowed to go anywhere

00:50:10

with it what are you allowed to do what

00:50:11

are the rules I'm allowed four hours of

00:50:13

recreation absence and then four hours

00:50:16

fortnightly of a social absence which

00:50:18

could absence which could be going to a

00:50:20

rugby game okay I don't know you know

00:50:22

recreation's going for a walk or

00:50:24

something like that so I'm not actually

00:50:26

struggling with the home this sentence

00:50:28

to be honest because you know I work

00:50:30

from home I've got enough training gear

00:50:33

here to keep me sane

00:50:35

um all my relationships within this

00:50:37

house

00:50:38

even in general you know on on track to

00:50:41

being repaired or or really flourishing

00:50:44

um

00:50:46

so yeah I've got everything I need here

00:50:47

so I don't really need to leave a lot to

00:50:49

tell you the truth yeah oh that's good

00:50:51

that's good

00:50:52

um yeah so you're on home detention

00:50:54

because of um an incident with your with

00:50:56

your granddad

00:50:57

[ __ ] you must have felt like [ __ ] when

00:50:59

this happened in that with like the

00:51:01

enormity of what you've done terrible

00:51:03

you know I remember

00:51:04

tussling

00:51:08

I guess having a tug of water idea you

00:51:10

know if I just take a little bit I can

00:51:11

put it back

00:51:13

um to just cover my ass you know because

00:51:16

I had it racking up I wasn't earning

00:51:18

hell the money I used to earn

00:51:21

um and I guess

00:51:24

um

00:51:26

a lot of issues with self you know

00:51:27

around getting that confidence back

00:51:29

because I couldn't do it on the Rugby

00:51:30

field how was I going to do it in life

00:51:32

and

00:51:33

um yeah ended up taking close to 40K

00:51:36

putting a little bit back through you

00:51:38

know the month or so it was of gambling

00:51:40

or a few few weeks but

00:51:42

um

00:51:43

really really really stuffed up you know

00:51:46

and

00:51:47

um didn't actually talk to my granddad

00:51:49

for a long time

00:51:51

um but in the last six weeks of have

00:51:53

reached out and made that connection

00:51:55

again and the first phone call was just

00:51:57

me crying like a baby um but then you

00:52:00

know we've had weekly phone calls

00:52:01

catch-ups after that and a relationship

00:52:04

seems to be well back on track so um

00:52:06

yeah pretty powerful for me just to put

00:52:08

the hand up and own my ship because you

00:52:10

know my granddad didn't deserve that

00:52:11

other people I've let down don't deserve

00:52:13

that so um yeah actually he he loves you

00:52:16

so much yeah yeah he loves me and yeah I

00:52:19

love him just as much and we

00:52:21

I grew up idolizing him and still do

00:52:24

idolize him so you know to put

00:52:27

that pressure on him but I guess sadness

00:52:30

and you know we had each other's back

00:52:32

and and that really I guess crumbled

00:52:36

that relationship for a little bit yeah

00:52:38

yeah

00:52:39

um not that I would undo anything but

00:52:41

can you pay back the money one one day

00:52:43

yep that's so that's been paid back I

00:52:46

have a head yeah yeah

00:52:48

um

00:52:49

so I think that was a bit of a relief

00:52:51

for him as well but also me ringing up I

00:52:54

can't go visit him at the moment but I

00:52:55

will at Christmas time ringing up and

00:52:57

really only my [ __ ] I think you've found

00:52:59

some respect a lot of respect because he

00:53:01

knows you mean it yeah he knows I mean

00:53:03

it he knows that's not not me you know

00:53:05

the person that got caught up into that

00:53:07

and that cycle of addiction wasn't me

00:53:09

for a long time you know and he knows oh

00:53:11

I really am deep down which I guess is

00:53:13

you know part of the forgiveness yeah

00:53:16

wow

00:53:18

and then um so

00:53:21

um I'm sitting down with you in May

00:53:23

you're in the news a couple of days

00:53:24

prior to this for

00:53:26

obviously for getting on the person in

00:53:28

February or something yeah right right

00:53:29

so that was the last time you drank

00:53:32

um no no right um so these were some of

00:53:36

your like bail conditions or something

00:53:38

yeah

00:53:41

intensive supervision condition was not

00:53:43

to consume alcohol

00:53:45

um and I had uh a few of the boys around

00:53:47

when was it middle of February sort of

00:53:50

thing just played a cricket game I think

00:53:51

I picked up a few wickets

00:53:53

feeling good right arm offspin but um

00:53:57

yeah just you know got on the purse

00:53:58

ended up having an argument my

00:54:00

ex-partner at the time

00:54:02

um just a verbal one you know music up

00:54:04

loud cops are wrong I was found you know

00:54:07

asleep and intoxicated at 2AM in the

00:54:09

morning

00:54:10

um so that was

00:54:12

when I decided to come down here to

00:54:14

Christchurch and

00:54:15

um get the help I needed yeah so is that

00:54:18

about the time that you

00:54:20

um were diagnosed as having ADHD yes I

00:54:22

was diagnosed on what I think was March

00:54:25

the 16th right so that was

00:54:28

a massive day for me

00:54:30

um

00:54:31

because for a lot of years I just

00:54:32

thought I was an [ __ ] you know that

00:54:33

couldn't get a [ __ ] together but I knew

00:54:35

there was a good guy

00:54:37

deep down inside so yeah understand

00:54:39

because like this actually sucks I

00:54:42

cannot figure myself out one thing

00:54:44

because I'm such a nice guy but on the

00:54:46

other hand you know I'm

00:54:47

lying to fulfill whatever void is there

00:54:49

for addiction and just doing the [ __ ]

00:54:52

that isn't me

00:54:53

um so getting that ADHD diagnosis wasn't

00:54:57

an excuse but I guess

00:55:00

gave me more power yeah around why I did

00:55:03

some of the things I did over the years

00:55:04

and

00:55:06

yeah as I said gave me yeah that

00:55:08

knowledge is sort of of self has been

00:55:10

priceless in terms of moving forward

00:55:12

yeah how do they diagnose that because I

00:55:13

reckon I reckon I've got it I reckon

00:55:16

I've got a myriad of things hey I reckon

00:55:17

I'm on the Spectrum somewhere I reckon

00:55:19

I've got ADHD but I was born in the

00:55:21

1970s so this [ __ ] was never diagnosed

00:55:23

yeah what do they do what's the testing

00:55:25

that's what I said to mum you know

00:55:26

that's when I got diagnosed with ADHD

00:55:29

um

00:55:30

she was like just wasn't a thing a thing

00:55:33

back there

00:55:34

um you know I don't hold any anything

00:55:36

any resent towards my parents they

00:55:38

didn't get me diagnosed as a kid but it

00:55:40

would have been nice Mum and Dad just

00:55:41

quietly yeah but um so you've got to go

00:55:45

to a you've got to do some online stuff

00:55:47

question is go to the psychologists

00:55:49

she'll then ring

00:55:51

um

00:55:52

family members that you've grown up

00:55:54

around

00:55:55

um then you wait for that report to see

00:55:57

if you've got ADHD or not then you have

00:56:00

to see a psychiatrist GPS that's a

00:56:02

process a massive process and quite an

00:56:03

expensive one so I'm you know lucky with

00:56:06

the support down here that I would have

00:56:07

fast tracked that yeah yeah that's cool

00:56:11

wow you've been through some [ __ ]

00:56:12

haven't you geez did you did you ever

00:56:14

feel um like suicidal at any point a lot

00:56:18

really yeah suicidal ideation was

00:56:20

massive for me just because I was you

00:56:23

know as I touched on before I was being

00:56:24

this person that I knew I wasn't

00:56:27

um an [ __ ] at times and I knew I

00:56:29

wasn't an [ __ ]

00:56:31

um but yeah I had an attempt

00:56:33

suicidal attempt and

00:56:35

October last year

00:56:37

so this is before you're going through

00:56:40

the court thing or during the course

00:56:42

during the court process of right

00:56:43

getting there so yeah the court thing

00:56:46

started about May June last year yeah

00:56:48

only just been resolved now so it's been

00:56:50

pretty huge stress yeah yeah

00:56:53

um yeah I ended up in hospital last

00:56:55

October for I think three or four nights

00:56:57

tried to overdose on antidepressants and

00:56:59

stuff and um

00:57:00

yeah it was found

00:57:03

having seizures and

00:57:05

yeah I could have killed myself some

00:57:07

actually really happy that I didn't

00:57:10

because you know I wouldn't be here

00:57:11

having the discussion with you and

00:57:12

living the beautiful life that I can now

00:57:14

create for myself yeah I believe you

00:57:16

when you say that if you have you found

00:57:18

God or religion or anything through this

00:57:20

process yeah I have actually um I've

00:57:23

always been a believer in God yeah but

00:57:25

probably

00:57:26

lost faith because you know I was like

00:57:28

well if I believe in God why isn't he

00:57:30

coming to save me I wasn't putting in

00:57:32

any of that effort myself and I hadn't

00:57:34

fully surrendered to God

00:57:36

um if that makes sense yeah

00:57:38

um so yeah I go to church on a Sunday

00:57:39

now actually

00:57:41

um Jake who I work alongside he's a man

00:57:43

of God so he'd come and prayed for me

00:57:46

when I first met him would have been six

00:57:47

weeks ago or so and

00:57:50

yeah you know I'm not leaving completely

00:57:52

up to God but since that moment my

00:57:54

life's changed for the better yeah I

00:57:56

absolutely

00:57:57

absolutely and um how's your love life

00:58:00

you're seeing anyone yeah I am seeing

00:58:02

someone at the moment actually um

00:58:04

yeah Fell in Love on home D if that's

00:58:06

true

00:58:08

just keep the story just keep getting

00:58:10

better yeah Tinder obviously she's got

00:58:13

to come to you oh how did how did you

00:58:15

mate who is she uh social media right um

00:58:18

won't disclose any names okay okay you

00:58:20

know was it fairly fresh fairly fresh

00:58:22

only on about day 40 but really I guess

00:58:25

I guess the honesty is um

00:58:29

been a big thing for us moving forward

00:58:31

you know from the start I was honest

00:58:33

about what I've been through honest

00:58:34

about where I'm at and honest about you

00:58:36

know obstacles that might come up in the

00:58:38

future but just being able to control

00:58:39

the present you know yeah

00:58:41

um and she respects that and

00:58:44

not gonna lie you know like it isn't

00:58:46

easy on myself or her you know for the

00:58:49

things that I've put myself through but

00:58:51

um

00:58:51

fully prepared to work you know 10 times

00:58:53

harder this time around to make things

00:58:55

better yeah and I suppose all your um

00:58:56

all your mistakes or errors they they

00:58:59

were all done like pre-her so yeah it's

00:59:01

like a fresh start yeah have you been

00:59:03

married before or engaged before no no I

00:59:06

haven't been married or engaged um

00:59:07

what's your longest relationship

00:59:09

oh about four years old yeah so you know

00:59:12

my relationships were quite

00:59:14

turbulent not just you know like

00:59:16

relationships with girlfriend and

00:59:18

boyfriend but you know like friendships

00:59:20

as well because I was being a really

00:59:22

inconsistent version of of myself

00:59:25

um

00:59:25

yeah so it wasn't then just reflect and

00:59:27

you know Partners I had but also

00:59:28

friendships as well but you know

00:59:30

reaching out on the daily to try and

00:59:32

repair those and do what I can to yeah

00:59:34

things right yeah do you think in

00:59:36

hindsight like um I mean some

00:59:39

relationships just naturally run their

00:59:40

run their course and that's what happens

00:59:41

but do you think um like your your

00:59:44

addictions and your inner turmoil have

00:59:45

been sort of uh like a thread or a theme

00:59:48

and the breakups uh played a part

00:59:51

yeah I definitely think they've played a

00:59:53

part you know

00:59:54

um

00:59:56

yeah Jesus just made me think on the

00:59:58

spot there

01:00:00

um differently you know like the fiction

01:00:01

and stuff have been massive in terms of

01:00:02

you know the relationships ending for

01:00:05

one reason or another just because I

01:00:06

didn't have my [ __ ] sword yeah who wants

01:00:08

to be the guy that's got no money you

01:00:11

know drinks and loves you know paycheck

01:00:13

to paycheck yeah so yeah just I think

01:00:15

just some hard realities at home

01:00:17

yourself as well so life five years from

01:00:20

now how's that going to look what do you

01:00:22

reckon five years from now

01:00:25

obviously still love to be helping

01:00:28

people and yeah some capacity or form

01:00:30

just um can't quite predict what that

01:00:32

will look like in five years time

01:00:34

um I should suppose I should put myself

01:00:36

first and you know I'll be living a

01:00:39

sober life still

01:00:40

um

01:00:41

man of God beautiful relationships

01:00:43

hopefully a family

01:00:45

um or young family even just one would

01:00:48

be all good

01:00:49

yeah I think just being

01:00:51

a walking example for I guess people

01:00:53

that have lost hope yeah trying to

01:00:54

regain it that's what I'd like to be

01:00:56

here yeah oh that's cool that's really

01:00:58

cool

01:00:59

so anyone that's listening to this that

01:01:01

may be like struggling with um

01:01:03

addictions you know drug alcohol

01:01:04

gambling whatever it may be

01:01:06

um like what would your advice be to

01:01:07

them

01:01:10

where do you start yeah it's hard for me

01:01:12

to give advice you know because I

01:01:13

couldn't give my own advice for so

01:01:16

bloody long until recent months but I

01:01:19

think it's

01:01:20

finding the courage to be vulnerable

01:01:22

however you manage to find that courage

01:01:24

keep searching for it you know because

01:01:25

being vulnerable is massive and also

01:01:28

being honest and transparent you can't

01:01:30

be honest and transparent with everyone

01:01:31

but I think you know you can be honest

01:01:34

and transparent with those key

01:01:35

relationships in your life and

01:01:36

especially with self then it goes a long

01:01:38

way to I guess that journey of

01:01:40

self-discovery and and finding true self

01:01:42

yeah yeah that's good yeah well that's

01:01:45

probably a good place to end I reckon

01:01:46

yeah yeah you seem like you're in a

01:01:47

really good place at the moment do you

01:01:49

still you still have like cravings for

01:01:51

the gambling or not so much anymore not

01:01:53

really like it you know it used to be

01:01:54

every minute of the day that you know

01:01:57

I'll be thinking about it to be honest

01:01:59

um but maybe you know like once once a

01:02:02

week sort of thing as of late like it

01:02:04

might pop into my mind and then I just

01:02:05

remind myself you know nearly put you in

01:02:08

a box just to you know refocus and go

01:02:10

and be vulnerable and talk to people if

01:02:12

I'm struggling I can now do that I

01:02:13

suppose that yeah the hard thing about

01:02:15

it is you know you've got your phone and

01:02:16

you've got apps on there so it's so

01:02:18

accessible yeah there are blockers that

01:02:19

you can put on

01:02:21

um it's just about I mean

01:02:23

I tried to put all those protective

01:02:24

measures again you know against gambling

01:02:27

in the past and it never worked but I

01:02:29

think for me just finally ready to

01:02:32

surrender to the stuff that's held me

01:02:34

back so long and to fully

01:02:36

um grasp the things that I'm good at

01:02:39

um it's just massive for me yeah yeah

01:02:42

well you're looking really well thanks

01:02:43

mate yeah and you seem to be in a good

01:02:45

place yeah yeah get in there yeah it's

01:02:47

definitely um going to be a work in

01:02:49

progress but I'm actually excited about

01:02:51

the the journey ahead for once yeah yeah

01:02:54

yeah you know I used to hide under the

01:02:56

quilts and not want to appear for a few

01:02:57

days but right now you know

01:02:59

even though it's cold you know I'm

01:03:01

getting out of bed I'm getting my [ __ ]

01:03:03

done so it feels really nice yeah oh

01:03:05

that's great

01:03:06

well is that Guilford

01:03:08

um Good Luck unfiltered oh no I

01:03:11

appreciate the honesty really appreciate

01:03:13

the honesty it's the only way right yeah

01:03:14

thanks for having me Dom I appreciate it

01:03:16

brother I'm great to finally meet you in

01:03:17

real life yeah like close my bow

01:03:20

thank you very much for listening all

01:03:21

the way through to Runners only with dom

01:03:22

Harvey if you like what you hear click

01:03:24

the like button or the Subscribe button

01:03:26

wherever you get your podcast or even

01:03:27

drop us a review only if it's a good one

01:03:29

though thank you big thanks to the

01:03:31

sponsors of this week's episode M's

01:03:33

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01:03:35

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01:03:37

by a lady called him funnily enough who

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won the coast to coast three times she's

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see you next week

In episode 21 of Runners Only, Dom Harvey sits down with former All Black Zach Guilford, who shares his rollercoaster journey from rugby stardom to grappling with addiction and personal turmoil. The conversation dives deep into the struggles of addiction, the impact of losing his father, and the challenges of living under home detention. Zach opens up about using running as a therapeutic outlet, revealing how it has helped him regain control over his life. The episode is a heartfelt exploration of vulnerability, redemption, and the quest for forgiveness, both from others and oneself. As Zach reflects on his past mistakes, he emphasizes the importance of honesty and vulnerability in the path to recovery. This candid discussion not only sheds light on the darker aspects of fame and addiction but also inspires hope for those facing similar battles, making it a must-listen for anyone seeking motivation and understanding in their own struggles.

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This episode stands out for the following:

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Episode Highlights

A Life Transformed
Zach reflects on his life changes from rugby star to home detention.
“It's a hell of a story, there's a lot to unpack.”
@ 00m 42s
October 20, 2022
Running for Awareness
Zach plans to run a marathon for suicide awareness after losing a friend.
“I guess it's just about not losing another brother or sister to suicide.”
@ 04m 29s
October 20, 2022
World Cup Celebration
Reflecting on the unforgettable night after winning the World Cup, feeling the country's joy.
“It just made it that much more special.”
@ 20m 47s
October 20, 2022
Struggles with Addiction
Opening up about the impact of gambling addiction on life and career.
“Those are the moments that really hit hard.”
@ 22m 16s
October 20, 2022
The Cost of Addiction
Discussing the regret of selling a Rugby World Cup medal due to addiction.
“What I say when is metaphor I think it was like two grand or something.”
@ 22m 22s
October 20, 2022
A Night to Forget
A chaotic night leads to a blackout and a painful morning of regret.
“What the hell have I done?”
@ 36m 16s
October 20, 2022
Facing the Consequences
After a public incident, he reflects on his actions and their impact.
“I think I probably took it to the news.”
@ 36m 58s
October 20, 2022
The Journey of Recovery
He discusses the importance of vulnerability and making peace with his past.
“Vulnerability is massive, it's definitely a strength.”
@ 48m 44s
October 20, 2022
Rebuilding Relationships
Reconnecting with his grandfather after a troubled period brings healing.
“I grew up idolizing him and still do idolize him.”
@ 52m 24s
October 20, 2022
ADHD Diagnosis
A massive day for me, realizing I wasn't just an [ __ ].
“I just thought I was an [ __ ] who couldn’t get it together.”
@ 54m 32s
October 20, 2022
Surviving a Suicide Attempt
A candid moment reflecting on a past suicide attempt and the importance of survival.
“I’m actually really happy that I didn’t kill myself.”
@ 57m 11s
October 20, 2022
Advice on Vulnerability
Encouragement to find courage and be vulnerable in the journey of self-discovery.
“Finding the courage to be vulnerable is massive.”
@ 01h 01m 22s
October 20, 2022

Episode Quotes

Key Moments

Hope through Darkness00:14
Suicide Awareness04:29
World Cup Reflections18:35
Addiction and Regret22:05
Honesty in Recovery23:18
First Jersey Memories23:28
Swimming Away37:42
Suicide Attempt56:31

Words per Minute Over Time

Vibes Breakdown

Podcast thumbnail

December 28, 2022

43:51

Shane Cameron || Runners Only! Podcast with Dom Harvey

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February 05, 2023

01:23:37

Simone Anderson defined NZ influencer advertising standards || Runners Only! Podcast with Dom Harvey

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February 12, 2023

01:30:14

New Zealand Pro Golfer Ryan Fox || Runners Only! Podcast with Dom Harvey

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October 17, 2022

01:09:30

Jimmy Neesham on how to stay mentally fit || Runners Only! Podcast with Dom Harvey

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November 03, 2022

55:16

Jesse Tuke 2022 Celebrity Treasure Island Winner! || Runners Only! Podcast with Dom Harvey

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February 26, 2023

01:22:48

Boxing Promoter and former league player Dean Lonergan || Runners Only! Podcast with Dom Harvey

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October 25, 2022

01:06:46

Chanel Harris-Tavita on why he turned his back on pro sport || Runners Only! Podcast with Dom Harvey

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October 25, 2022

01:14:54

Rhys Darby on how to keep mental health in good shape || Runners Only! Podcast with Dom Harvey

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December 23, 2022

57:32

Zac Guildford former All Black released from home detention || Runners Only! Podcast with Dom Harvey

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October 14, 2022

01:04:01

The Bachelorette Lexie Brown spills the tea on reality TV | Runners Only!

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01:07:44

Fair Go's Haydn Jones is a bloody Good Sort! || Runners Only! Podcast with Dom Harvey

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December 14, 2022

01:07:01

Dr Paul Wood || Runners Only! Podcast with Dom Harvey