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How to Have Better Sex - Certified Holistic Sex & Relationship Coach, Melissa Vranjes

June 05, 2024 / 01:19:55

This episode features Melissa Vangi, a certified holistic sex coach, discussing the taboo surrounding sex, her career transition, and practical advice for enhancing intimacy. Topics include overcoming embarrassment about sex, the importance of communication in relationships, and her popular workshop "BJ Like a Boss."

Melissa shares her journey from events director to sex coach after attending a workshop in Bali that transformed her understanding of intimacy and pleasure. She emphasizes the need for open conversations about sex, especially in a society that often shames individuals for their sexual interests.

The episode also covers common challenges in sexual relationships, such as mismatched libidos, the role of self-pleasure, and how to keep intimacy alive over time. Melissa provides tips on how to communicate desires and boundaries effectively with partners.

Listeners can learn about Melissa's workshops, including "BJ Like a Boss," which aims to empower women to enhance their sexual experiences and pleasure. The conversation highlights the importance of mutual enjoyment and understanding in sexual relationships.

Overall, the episode encourages listeners to embrace their sexuality, communicate openly, and explore their desires without shame.

TL;DR

Melissa Vangi discusses sex coaching, intimacy, and communication in relationships, emphasizing the importance of overcoming societal taboos.

Video

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[Music]
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Melissa vangi certified holistic sex Co
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welcome to my podcast thank you thanks
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for having me this this is the first um
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I've never done anything like this
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before on the podcast um so it's going
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to be it's going to going to be
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interesting because a lot of people are
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very strange about sex aren't they yeah
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yeah I think they get embarrassed
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ashamed scared what why do you think why
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do I know it's a very very intimate
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thing and a lot of people are very
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private but why do you think some people
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are or actually a lot of people are
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funny about I don't know even hearing a
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podcast about it totally yeah I I just
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spoke to my nail lady today and she said
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that her friend wanted to follow me but
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then she said oh but people see un
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following a sex coach and I feel like
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that's society I feel like it's cultural
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potentially religion um and also the
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fact that we don't talk about it enough
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and so people are unsure how to talk
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about it Unsure how to navigate
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conversations or topics around it it's
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still very taboo um so yeah I think
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those are a few reasons why people hold
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back from leaning into it yeah well this
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is going to be fun because I put on
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Instagram you're coming here yeah and
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there was no shortage of questions like
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there's just so so so many so we'll get
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into all them but first of all um let's
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get to know you a little bit um so your
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name is Melissa vangis certified
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holistic sex coach um I was looking at
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your LinkedIn page so from 20 2005 to
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2011 you're an events man events
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director yeah then uh 2011 to 2020 um
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working on the super yacht yeah yeah and
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and then um since 2020 six coach yeah
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crazy career pivot so so how old were
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you in
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2020 um oh my God okay I'm 36 now so 32
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mess 32 okay so why so I went to this
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Workshop I was in baliy this is how
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tracking back just before I go to this
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Workshop I've always been curious about
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sex and
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pleasure and when I was in B I did a
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solo trip went to B booked into this
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workshop and it was called understanding
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sex and I was like no one's going to
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know that I go to this Workshop no one's
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going to know I don't have to tell
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anyone and so already there was shame
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that I was going to learn something
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about this it was all for woman and we
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went there and it was woman of all ages
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and we started learning about just the
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female anatomy erogenous zones pleasure
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um breast massage all different types of
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V V like it blew my freaking mind I was
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like at that time I was 28 and I thought
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how do I not know this about my body how
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do I not know this about my stuff how do
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I not know this about sex everyone's
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doing it no one's talking about it and
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so that for me was just this pivotal
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moment of my life that I was just hungry
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for more because it actually felt so
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empowering learning about my intimate
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body in this way and being able to
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relate and connect with my partner on a
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much deeper level therefore experiencing
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more
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pleasure so it was just this moment that
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I'm like I need more I need more I need
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more and I just started traveling around
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the world at that time I was working on
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Super yachs um and so I could just
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whenever I had time off I would go to
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these Retreats I would go to these
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trainings in Mexico and B and Australia
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and Europe and just learn and learn and
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learn and and I did that for four years
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before I started a professional career
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out of it cuz I listen into a heap of um
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podcast that you've been on an
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anticipation of this so um correct me if
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I've got anything wrong but from what I
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can gather um you're in a relationship
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and the reason you went to Barley solo
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is you were deciding if you wanted to
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break up with the guy or not yes well
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done and so you ended up you ended up
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dumping him I did yeah I did right not
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straight after the workshop um a couple
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of years later okay all right you know
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we need to stay in relationships for
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twoo long like yeah I should have done I
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should have done it two years and and
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from another podcast um you you
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described yourself as like a reformed
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party girl yes so I'm guessing your your
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partying would have been done like
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through through your 20s so totally you
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would have had potentially like a lot of
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horrible sexual experience a lot of
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terrible one night stands from
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remember right right so okay so you go
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to B with the intention of was it sort
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of like it was a new so was it sort like
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a Eat Pray Love yeah totally totally
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yeah I was there on on my own and it was
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just kind of I was seeing friends but
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totally e Pray Love Vibes yeah yeah so
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so you returned home and you're with
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that guy for another two years yeah was
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that because of the stuff you learned
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you thought maybe I can try and save the
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relationship with I think it was because
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we're working on boats together we're in
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a relationship working on boats together
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um a part of me didn't want to I still
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very much loved him but my intuition in
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my gut was like this is not the right
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one for you and so I think I just stayed
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trying to not necessarily fix it due to
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like the sex or the relationship but
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just hang in there to see to to be
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proved that it wasn't the right
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relationship and two years
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later oh God everyone's guilty of that
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yeah totally um so so what set of
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trainings involved you did like a a
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full-time one-year course yep y so I did
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a one-year certification um and then
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prior to that um I was in India for a
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couple of weeks where I did another
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training with the sex ologist and then
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just bits and pieces like some weekend
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stuff another little week long lots of
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online stuff um but yeah the big
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certification was a year-long one with a
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teacher called Lea Martin who's
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incredible so so what's that like so
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when you when you're doing a full-time
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sex course like when you get home and
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you're like I can't wait to try this
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stuff out with my partner or is it like
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you get home and it's like oh don't even
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put that thing away
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no um no so it was all online so at the
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schools based in uh the states it's all
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online but the start of the program is
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very much your own personal Journey so
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you're actually not diving into being a
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coach or therapist or or holding space
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for anyone until you've been on like a
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six month or five to six month Journey
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yourself uh and then you start learning
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how to hold space for others because you
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the tools have been integrated into your
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body your system therefore you can
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understand how it may feel for somebody
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else which I think is so important
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um and then yeah another six months
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going into like the professional side of
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holding space and and yeah and then what
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was the reaction like like when you tell
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your parents or your wider family so
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supportive really so supportive I'm so
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lucky I've got a very open um minded
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family both my mom and my dad I've grown
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up it's been open um ever since I can
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remember which I'm I'm so glad I mean BJ
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like a boss I'm sure that's probably
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like you know pushing it with Dad but he
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is so supportive he he will never say
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anything whenever I tell him about it
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you know how quickly it's sold out or
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podcast I'm being on he's just like I'm
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so proud of you but I know that it
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definitely pushes the envelope yeah yeah
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BJ like a boss we we'll get into that in
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great detail because you've sort of gone
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like viral for that it it's it's really
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sort of like um in terms of your career
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growth um I feel like it's been
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exponential it's been like a Tipping
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Point it has it absolutely has wildly
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and would have never guessed that yeah
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so um yeah you talking about your dad I
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think about my mom like she's super
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supportive listens to every podcast I do
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but I feel weird about fair enough yeah
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fair enough dad started following me and
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then I put up something called um 10
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[ __ ] affirmations like things that you
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should be saying and dad said to Mom I
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think I'm going to start unfollowing
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meliss well what are what's the what's
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the [ __ ] affirmations can you remember
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what some of them are yeah what you like
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your beautiful like I love you um you
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know things that you would want things
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that you'd say to your best friend or to
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yourself or somebody say that to this
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part of your body a lot of people are
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disconnected you know you could be
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saying it to your genitals as well it's
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just things that you would say to kind
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of like bring good energy positive
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energy down to that right so guys could
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do that as well yeah I'm [ __ ]
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affirmations you're you're not Jack know
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what they say on you are you are a big
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boy
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um what what's the what's the worst sex
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you've had like personally God worst sex
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I probably don't remember it um no I do
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it'll be
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somebody trying to think back I I would
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have been drunk and probably performing
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I would have faked an orgasm I can see
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the person I can see the person and it
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was just [ __ ] you know it's where you go
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I'm I'm doing everything that they think
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or that I think they would want and
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disregarding my body and my pleasure and
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then you leave just going what the hell
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was the point in that and that's so
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common you know just to get validation
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that that I'm wanted or that I belong or
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whatever it is you know so I think yeah
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it's um
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and what are there if any in your
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professional experience the most common
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sex x from both women and men sex
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x well I can I mostly I work with women
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so I can probably really speak into that
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but I would say and this is in
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heterosexual relationships is men coming
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into the bedroom and just thinking that
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they're know at all and won't take
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feedback you know they highly offended
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if their woman wants to try and guide
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them to do something else is that where
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you get well I didn't have any
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complaints from any previous Partners
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well my last partner loved that
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move like I'm not your last partner that
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does happen my my my um my first serious
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girlfriend she really loved like having
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her nipples um bitten like quite hard
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yeah and then after that my very
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immediate relationship afterwards I
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chomped down on the nipples she's like
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what was
00:10:46
that get back
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tiger okay so um so BJ like a boss uh we
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where was this idea born um it was an
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online Workshop that was created um just
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out of I kept getting these questions
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coming up from women speaking about
00:11:04
[ __ ] and like how do I um do like
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what about if I get S jaw what about if
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you know these questions that just keep
00:11:13
coming out related to [ __ ] but also
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actually it's a bit wider than just
00:11:18
[ __ ] it's men's pleasure as a whole
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women are yearning to learn how to
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pleasure their men and so yeah we just
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kind of niched it down and went into um
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jobs
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and it blew up like online it was one of
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the most brought courses and then I just
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decided to bring it out into the public
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which was very edgy and scary and I did
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not know how it would
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go yeah I can't imagine the anxiety you
00:11:45
head around that completely oh my God I
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was I just I said to one of my
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girlfriends when I was walking I was
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like have I lost the plot am I like what
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what are people going to think of me
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doing a [ __ ] Workshop what like how
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am I not going to or how am I going to
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make this at least Chic and not tacky
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because it has the ability to be very
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tacky you know some if you're like see
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guys I'm off to a BJ Workshop like you
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know what do you think it's definitely
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not like in a beautiful restaurant
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everyone dressing up with champagne and
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like goodie bags which is what BJ like a
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bosses so I really wanted it to be like
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girls night out like you get dressed up
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you put your heels on you drink
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champagne and you suck suck
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dildos so so what are the dildos like
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just like a a suction cap yeah suction
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capup pink glittery dildo I wish I
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brought one with with the balls as well
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absolutely oh God you oh you can't just
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do a half job right and and and who so
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is it um is it like um hens parties that
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come along or is it groups of strangers
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it's a variety so it all started out
00:13:01
doing private H so A girlfriend of mine
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said Mal can you do us a solid we've got
00:13:07
a hens party coming up can you do a
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[ __ ] workshop and I was like whoa
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I've never done that before and like I'm
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I'm prepared but I'll get a bag of
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carrots and like sure I'll come and do
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the workshop with you so we had a bag of
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carrots we had condoms I printed our
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little brochure and then Word of Mouth
00:13:23
just spread and people like hey I heard
00:13:25
you did this work a [ __ ] Workshop my
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friend's head d d one week I had like
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four people messaging me about this one
00:13:31
carat [ __ ] Workshop that I did I was
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like there's there's a need for it and
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last summer was my first summer where it
00:13:38
was it was pretty much booked out and I
00:13:41
upgraded from the carrots to the pink
00:13:43
suction cup Dil so yeah and I've heard
00:13:45
you on like podcast talking about this
00:13:47
and it's a I think it's a really
00:13:48
important thing it's not about um
00:13:50
because a lot of people be like well why
00:13:51
you know why do I care you know um and
00:13:54
and people will say statistically only
00:13:56
half half half of people involved in a
00:13:58
[ __ ] will be having a good time um
00:14:00
but this is I've heard you talk about
00:14:02
you talk about quite passionately
00:14:04
passionately it's um just as much about
00:14:06
um the The Giver as the receiver
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absolutely it doesn't it should be it
00:14:12
shouldn't be called a [ __ ] should
00:14:14
just be called like giving H but I
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believe and this is the whole intention
00:14:19
of BJ like a boss is teaching women how
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to pleasure men through a female Focus
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lens so it's not like you're not getting
00:14:25
down on your knees and you're not doing
00:14:27
the deed and going okay well you finish
00:14:29
it are you done you can actually enjoy
00:14:32
it too and I think that's a big part
00:14:34
that's missing in the education around
00:14:36
this is when you're enjoying it and your
00:14:38
partner's enjoying it there's more
00:14:40
energy there's more excitement there's
00:14:41
more juiciness there's more passion
00:14:43
there's more aliveness and that's what
00:14:44
makes good sex so instead of being
00:14:46
someone who's just like okay let's tick
00:14:50
this off it's your
00:14:55
birthday you know true and your birthday
00:14:58
Ann
00:14:59
yeah um it can be so much more than that
00:15:03
and I think that's that's what I just
00:15:05
love teaching woman it doesn't have to
00:15:07
be a job and even if after the workshop
00:15:09
it still feels like a job that's okay
00:15:11
you don't have to enjoy it but there are
00:15:14
ways that you can enjoy it too when
00:15:15
you're in your body when you know the
00:15:16
targeted zones to to hit it gives you
00:15:19
more confidence therefore you're more on
00:15:21
board and the the the women that attend
00:15:24
are they for the most part signing
00:15:25
themselves up I'm just thinking if you
00:15:27
AB you're I'm thinking it's it's my
00:15:30
partner's birthday today if I gave her a
00:15:33
voucher this morning you can't do it um
00:15:35
yeah I feel like that could be seen as
00:15:36
offensive absolutely I don't think you
00:15:38
can do that I don't I had this
00:15:41
conversation a while ago and it's like
00:15:43
you can't tell your part you can't book
00:15:46
your partner into up skill in the
00:15:48
bedroom unless you're involved and
00:15:51
you're doing something together it's
00:15:52
like babe let's do this Workshop so we
00:15:54
can um work on our communication skills
00:15:57
or let's do this
00:15:59
thing where we can both learn how to get
00:16:01
better at giving head but no not a great
00:16:04
present so so
00:16:06
every turns up they they they take their
00:16:09
seats I'm guessing the dynamic different
00:16:12
uh is different from crowd to crowd so
00:16:13
say if it's a group of friends they're
00:16:16
already yeah the ice is already broken
00:16:18
but if it's strangers how do you like
00:16:21
how do you address the room how do you
00:16:22
get the ball rolling the ball is
00:16:24
rolling squ and rolling um I so first of
00:16:29
all everyone it's like it's a very
00:16:31
beautiful environment the event that I
00:16:32
do in Oakland where you kind of like
00:16:34
there's a host she will take you to your
00:16:36
seat um and you get poured a glass of
00:16:39
Bubbles and then I will come over to
00:16:41
each table and just chat and talk to
00:16:43
everyone help them feel a bit more
00:16:45
comfortable ask them how their morning's
00:16:47
been or day's been and then it's kind of
00:16:50
just like meet and chat to each other
00:16:53
like you're in a booth setting so it's
00:16:55
kind of easy you're sitting in this like
00:16:57
nice Booth setting to chat to each other
00:16:59
and everyone's feeling the same
00:17:01
everyone's [ __ ] nervous and they're
00:17:02
just like so yeah do you guys really
00:17:04
know what's happening and iard someone
00:17:07
um have a conversation they're like no
00:17:09
not really but I feel quite intimidated
00:17:11
seeing 50 dildos on all these
00:17:15
tables um but yeah I think and for me as
00:17:19
well it's just making it fun and it's
00:17:22
not serious you know you're not going to
00:17:25
an actual like Workshop environment you
00:17:28
kind of but it's just a sexy one where
00:17:31
you're writing journal like notes and
00:17:33
it's like you're in an environment where
00:17:35
you can relax there is a bit of alcohol
00:17:37
there to just soften the blow pun
00:17:40
intended nice and um yeah I think when
00:17:44
it's fun and it's like we can all laugh
00:17:46
that we're in a room full of dildos
00:17:48
together it just like relaxes you run
00:17:51
and what like what are the key
00:17:54
takeaways I can't tell you those those a
00:17:57
secret again um the key secret is to
00:18:00
warm up his whole body before getting to
00:18:03
his
00:18:04
genitals it's like so often and men do
00:18:07
this for women as well you just go
00:18:08
straight to the genitals straight to
00:18:10
this like right let's make this happen
00:18:12
or you know oh my God it's like you're
00:18:15
doing an impression of
00:18:17
me no I um I heard you in a podcast
00:18:21
talking about DJ Cy DJ Cy and I'm like
00:18:24
oh [ __ ] that is I think I'm terrible and
00:18:27
big you've done it oh really yeah I
00:18:28
think so yeah anyway in what way well
00:18:30
just yeah just what you were saying is
00:18:33
wrong in this podcast I listen to It's
00:18:34
like oh yeah that's me You' be doing
00:18:36
that you got to slow it down so that's
00:18:38
another key takeaway for everyone in bed
00:18:41
is slowing it down no
00:18:43
woman loves her clitoris djed
00:18:48
on you know I'm sorry if that's what you
00:18:51
do maybe it's worked for some woman but
00:18:54
I can tell you right now the majority
00:18:56
don't like speed straight way you've got
00:18:59
to warm it up I should have brought my
00:19:01
[ __ ] cushion but yeah part two part two
00:19:05
part two yeah part two so erogenous
00:19:07
zones what are his or her orous zones
00:19:11
wake all of those up first and then when
00:19:13
you are moving down towards the genitals
00:19:16
go slow start off so you know if we're
00:19:19
talking about the workshop what I teach
00:19:20
isogenous zones make sure you don't
00:19:22
forget the balls hand job lots of people
00:19:26
find hand jobs really awkward and they
00:19:27
kind of just want to get them over and
00:19:28
Dorth I talk about really beautiful
00:19:30
Strokes that you can do don't forget the
00:19:33
rare I talk about the RAR and how man's
00:19:36
um prostate is like really pleasurable
00:19:39
for him some men don't like that um and
00:19:42
then finish it off with a [ __ ] if you
00:19:44
want to finish there um so the key
00:19:47
takeaways is really like to move through
00:19:49
mapping his body before you even get to
00:19:52
the blow job right so by the time you
00:19:54
get to the [ __ ] part he's like 80% of
00:19:57
the way there yeah you only have to do
00:19:58
it for a
00:20:01
minute when
00:20:03
win female Focus lens you know what I'm
00:20:05
saying and and the um so the the dildos
00:20:08
that you've got for these things do they
00:20:09
do the customers take them home or do
00:20:11
you what do you do with them dishwasher
00:20:14
bath in the bath yeah to me to me for
00:20:17
the
00:20:18
dishwasher they all go in a bath yeah
00:20:20
I've got a huge suitcase one side is
00:20:22
filled with 50 dildos the other side is
00:20:24
filled with condoms and ribbons and lube
00:20:27
and pamplets and all the things so take
00:20:31
them home put them in the bath yeah
00:20:34
amazing cuz you're married right you're
00:20:35
married you're a partner I'm a mom yeah
00:20:37
I'm not married yeah yeah how old are
00:20:39
you 56 no how old are your kids you got
00:20:41
on my boy I've got little boy's 14
00:20:43
months right okay yeah so he's not at
00:20:45
the age yet you have to worry about the
00:20:47
the bath full of no no he doesn't know
00:20:50
yet um oh there was something else um I
00:20:52
either saw this on your Instagram or
00:20:54
maybe hear this on a podcast but um
00:20:56
you've got like a list five different
00:20:58
ways to for a hand job M five different
00:21:00
like Strokes do you mean yeah I think so
00:21:03
yeah I think what are they do you know
00:21:05
what they are off the top of your head
00:21:07
yeah we've got um You can count for me
00:21:09
so infinite penetration so that's just
00:21:12
constantly stimulating his [ __ ] right
00:21:15
it's a great one to start off with um
00:21:18
the second one is kind of ringing out
00:21:20
the towel so as you would ring out the
00:21:22
towel and for anyone who's listening use
00:21:25
Lu use Lu no one wants a dry hand job
00:21:29
Lube is key for everything every time
00:21:31
you have sex uh ringing out the towel so
00:21:33
you're going to be doing something like
00:21:34
this or if you want to go that way you
00:21:36
can go that way um you've got the bottle
00:21:39
top so it's two fingers holding at the
00:21:42
base you want to pull down his fores
00:21:43
skin hold it the base of his penis and
00:21:46
then kind of wrap around the
00:21:48
top um what else do we have I think
00:21:52
that's three this this is good though
00:21:54
this is great good yeah I mean you yeah
00:21:57
they're um I mean as I said I don't
00:22:00
think I'm particularly good in bed so um
00:22:02
um this is great we can work on this
00:22:04
what do you need help with I'm
00:22:05
here yeah I don't know it's probably a
00:22:07
commun communication thing mainly yes
00:22:09
yeah I'm reluctant to say what I want
00:22:12
but I I have had like previous Partners
00:22:14
I'm I'm loathed to criticize anyone else
00:22:16
because I know I'm not good myself but
00:22:17
when it comes to hand jobs you know um
00:22:19
American diners how they have those
00:22:21
glass bottles of sauce and sometimes you
00:22:23
got to like you know you got to where's
00:22:26
this even tap it to get the source
00:22:29
I feel like I've had many hand jobs from
00:22:31
different women like that
00:22:33
like I'm sitting there thinking I could
00:22:35
do this way better and way quicker
00:22:37
myself this is not enjoyable I'm in pain
00:22:40
and neglecting the balls and I'm not a
00:22:42
young man anymore so these things are
00:22:46
flying flying around like golf balls and
00:22:52
stalking just grab them from behind and
00:22:54
just get those up
00:22:56
here um well I think a love that is
00:22:59
because of porn honestly it's like I was
00:23:03
in a um at a hen party and when I was
00:23:05
talking about some of these hand job
00:23:07
techniques she was like oh my God I
00:23:09
thought you always just did this really
00:23:11
really hard to just make him blow I was
00:23:14
like in ponography that's honestly what
00:23:16
we see a lot of and so women uh
00:23:19
educating themselves through pornography
00:23:21
then going to their partners and in the
00:23:22
bedroom and doing the same and me the
00:23:24
same with woman it's like when I'm going
00:23:26
down her I thought I just had to go
00:23:29
no don't tell me you're doing that as
00:23:31
well no no um no I think think porn is
00:23:35
very dangerous though way it is um I'm I
00:23:38
suppose Lucky in in aircom is that um
00:23:41
you know I was like mid 20s I guess
00:23:42
before the internet became sort of what
00:23:44
it is what it is now so if I was lucky
00:23:47
growing up you know you might have a
00:23:48
mate that got a a penthouse or a Playboy
00:23:51
from a service station and that's all
00:23:53
you had to had to go on but the yeah the
00:23:55
porn now this is another really given my
00:23:58
limited exposure to pornography um all
00:24:02
these weird categories like there's so
00:24:03
many so many like stepsister or stepmom
00:24:07
porn it's like it's like massive and you
00:24:09
know it's not actually the step step
00:24:10
sister or the step course not but it's
00:24:12
just the fantasy idea of it right yeah
00:24:14
how is that a fantasy when did that
00:24:16
become a thing I don't know I mean I
00:24:18
yeah I feel sad for what like the
00:24:21
younger generation uh moving into with
00:24:24
what's on the internet these days is
00:24:25
kind of terrifying to be honest yeah not
00:24:29
sexy no well yeah what should parents do
00:24:32
about this I mean this is not something
00:24:34
you have to think about for I guess
00:24:35
another 10 years 12 years whatever but
00:24:38
um what should parents be doing in terms
00:24:40
of like sex education or talking to
00:24:42
their kids about this stuff yeah
00:24:43
absolutely and I think that's the
00:24:44
biggest thing is talking about it I grew
00:24:46
up in an open family and talking about
00:24:49
these things and saying hey look this is
00:24:50
out here this isn't normal this is
00:24:54
entertainment this is performance um I
00:24:57
don't think it's fair to say you
00:24:59
shouldn't watch this right because
00:25:00
naturally a kid's going to go oh well I
00:25:02
can't have that I want it now um so I
00:25:05
think communication is big and just
00:25:06
talking about what real sex is um what
00:25:09
healthy sex is big part communication
00:25:12
and yeah kind of wishing for the
00:25:15
best I appreciate that and what sort of
00:25:17
age do you think or does it vary from do
00:25:19
you know what apparently I mean I I'm
00:25:21
not there yet but apparently young boys
00:25:24
are watching porn at like 10 years old
00:25:26
10 11 these days like it's just terrify
00:25:29
I leared about sex when I was 10 because
00:25:32
my cousin told me about it and then my
00:25:34
parents brought the books out the
00:25:35
anatomy
00:25:37
books I started
00:25:40
crying did you oh God yeah cuz I was
00:25:42
just overwhelmed like an anatomy penis I
00:25:45
was like oh god what the hell is this an
00:25:48
anatomy vver and what they do that I
00:25:50
remember driving over the Harbor Bridge
00:25:52
with Mom and I was like I have a
00:25:53
question about the conversation we had
00:25:55
and I want to know how long do you have
00:25:57
sex for and she giggled and she was like
00:26:00
ah it really depends love and I was
00:26:03
confused ever
00:26:05
since depends on what how long who can
00:26:09
last or it it was still um your
00:26:11
upbringing was still better than mine in
00:26:13
that regard from memory we we just had
00:26:16
this this this this series of these big
00:26:18
sort of cartoon books like what's
00:26:20
happening to me where did I come from
00:26:22
you know do you know the books no I
00:26:24
don't they were really big in the 70s
00:26:25
and ' 80s and I I remember that that
00:26:27
just appeared on the into my bed one day
00:26:29
without any there may be some deodorant
00:26:32
there as well oh my God some links or
00:26:35
something well yeah anyone of a certain
00:26:37
age will know the books I'm talking
00:26:38
about what's happening to me where did I
00:26:40
come from and then yeah Works through
00:26:42
the Through the Ages I mean sense that
00:26:45
communication is like a hard part for
00:26:47
you in the bedroom then right if there
00:26:49
was no communication from the
00:26:52
get-go yeah but it's strange when you
00:26:55
know there's a floor there's you know
00:26:58
you could be doing better but you just
00:26:59
don't know how to start with it yes um
00:27:02
oh okay so so the opposite of a [ __ ]
00:27:05
like we we sort of touched upon this a
00:27:07
second ago like s guys going down um how
00:27:10
can we be doing better yes okay feedback
00:27:14
is your friend you know what I was
00:27:16
saying before where guys they instantly
00:27:19
uh put or just get offended when a woman
00:27:22
is trying to say hey can you slow down a
00:27:24
little bit or can you go a little bit to
00:27:25
the left or I don't actually like that
00:27:27
and they instantly take it personally
00:27:29
and think that they're not doing a good
00:27:31
job so feedback is your friend listen to
00:27:33
your woman um slow down so DJ clitty no
00:27:39
sorry you're going to have to retire
00:27:41
your deck and you're going to have to
00:27:43
come up with something else because it's
00:27:45
not working but DJ CL is actually I know
00:27:48
I was going to say he's quite good but I
00:27:49
don't think he is because he'll do like
00:27:51
a minute with this
00:27:52
hand oh my
00:27:55
God he just gets double dick and then if
00:27:58
if it goes for too long then might sigh
00:28:00
a little
00:28:03
bit well she's not going to get anywhere
00:28:06
with that the pressure okay so being
00:28:10
passive aggressive is not the way to go
00:28:12
it's not the way to go no okay so
00:28:14
feedback is your friend you want to slow
00:28:15
down let's talk about tongue techniques
00:28:17
so you want to be going wide flat tongue
00:28:21
never a pointy tongue unless she wants
00:28:23
that so I'm talking like wide flat
00:28:26
tongue nice big licks up her vver not a
00:28:30
pointy tongue absolutely not no we want
00:28:33
wide flat tongue another thing that can
00:28:35
feel really good is making an O like
00:28:37
creating pressure with your lips and an
00:28:38
O over her clitoris and sometimes you
00:28:42
can kind of even just hold your mouth
00:28:43
there and like a really gentle suck can
00:28:46
feel really nice or even using your
00:28:48
tongue to massage that so the O suction
00:28:50
with your tongue kind of massaging your
00:28:51
C can feel really nice as well thanks
00:28:54
for that yeah I think that's really
00:28:57
helpful not just for me but for a lot of
00:28:59
people I'm sure all just doubling back
00:29:01
to something you said before you said
00:29:02
like lub is is important the more lub
00:29:04
the better absolutely
00:29:08
um you I've always felt weird about lits
00:29:12
you feel like if you're doing a good
00:29:14
enough job then she will be lubricated
00:29:17
enough totally yeah but it's just not
00:29:21
always that way depending on where she
00:29:23
is at potentially even in her cycle in
00:29:25
the season of life if she's
00:29:26
breastfeeding or postpartum
00:29:28
or menopause some women don't get a
00:29:31
whole lot of arousal fluid and that
00:29:32
doesn't mean that um their partner is
00:29:35
not doing the right job um it just like
00:29:38
that's just her body and Lube is such an
00:29:41
easy way to enhance your sexual
00:29:43
experiences right as soon as you're
00:29:45
about to massage her vver or you're
00:29:48
about to um massage his [ __ ] little bit
00:29:51
of lube it just when anything's slippery
00:29:54
and slighty it starts to bring in like
00:29:55
that sensuality that excitement that
00:29:58
like oh yes things that moving here and
00:30:01
it just feels nice and nice to touch
00:30:03
nice to um
00:30:05
experience so L honestly almost every
00:30:08
single time I'm intimate I will use
00:30:11
l that's good to know how's um how's sex
00:30:15
changed for you and how's your sex life
00:30:16
changed since you've become a mom I
00:30:19
definitely don't have sex as much um I
00:30:22
never used to be a quickies girl but
00:30:24
since having a child I it's out of
00:30:27
necessity yeah yeah it's got to be done
00:30:30
it's got to be done um so yeah it's
00:30:33
changed a lot it's changed a lot but
00:30:35
also I think um it's quality over
00:30:38
quantity now and when I am intimate
00:30:42
either with myself or my partner it's
00:30:44
intentional it's great it's hot um yeah
00:30:49
I lots lots has changed how long was um
00:30:53
how long was your break like towards the
00:30:54
tail end of the pregnancy or after your
00:30:56
son came along like matern like no like
00:30:59
a dry spell oh yes yes so I didn't have
00:31:02
sex for 6 months or we didn't have sex
00:31:04
for six months so the end of
00:31:06
pregnancy um I just I didn't feel like
00:31:09
it and understandable yeah and we have
00:31:12
such amazing communication and I could
00:31:14
just tell my partner and say I'm really
00:31:16
not feeling like it like if I do I will
00:31:19
initiate and let you know like it's
00:31:20
going to be on my terms now and he's so
00:31:22
respectful and of course um that that
00:31:25
was penetrative sex there was obviously
00:31:28
a lot more like fun stuff that we could
00:31:30
do and then after birth we made an
00:31:33
intentional um pack that we're just
00:31:36
going to take sex off the table for 3
00:31:37
months while I enter motherhood and just
00:31:40
kind of like allow my body to get back
00:31:43
to well to heal but yeah exactly to heal
00:31:47
um and that was really fun and it really
00:31:49
made me realize that sex is important
00:31:51
and sex is amazing but also you can
00:31:54
still be deeply intimate with one
00:31:56
another and not be having you can still
00:31:58
have a phenomenal relationship and not
00:32:00
be having sex but it's communication
00:32:03
that keeps those lines open so there's
00:32:05
no elephant in the room of like oh god
00:32:07
well oh no what oh no he's touching
00:32:09
there he's going to want morees oh my
00:32:10
God he's tongue ciss me it's going to go
00:32:13
further you know there's none of that
00:32:15
because sex is off the table yeah yeah
00:32:17
yeah so that was so beneficial to do and
00:32:21
I honestly I [ __ ] loved it I loved it
00:32:24
I coined the term sexual rest someone's
00:32:26
like oh yep sexual restr I'm I'm off the
00:32:29
next six months off the I'm off but um
00:32:33
it was amazing it was it was amazing I
00:32:36
loved it and it allowed us to come back
00:32:38
together and then I think when we did
00:32:39
start having sex again it was more
00:32:41
passionate and hotter because we hadn't
00:32:43
had it for so long and it was more
00:32:45
intentional well why the why the break
00:32:48
were you just tired you didn't feel sexy
00:32:50
I Was Pregnant full stop I was pregnant
00:32:54
I had no desire I lost my libido um
00:32:57
during
00:32:58
pregnancy near the end of uh pregnancy
00:33:02
and and then I was a new mom and I just
00:33:04
didn't want the pressure of sex there
00:33:09
and so just communicating about it and
00:33:12
saying no I don't want that right now
00:33:14
I'm entering a whole new chapter of my
00:33:16
life I'm learning how to be a mom my
00:33:18
body's healing I just want to take it
00:33:20
off the table and Fu so much of it's
00:33:23
about is about communication isn't it it
00:33:24
all comes down to communication was he
00:33:27
was he makking the dates on the no no no
00:33:31
18 days to
00:33:32
go um who who are your most common
00:33:35
clients like who who who comes to see
00:33:38
you is it couples that are in trouble is
00:33:41
it mainly single people that want to
00:33:43
yeah it's a split I would say a lot of
00:33:45
women who are wanting to gain their
00:33:47
confidence back um mothers who have lost
00:33:50
uh sexual desire for their Partners
00:33:52
women who are being who have been
00:33:55
married for years and years and they
00:33:58
just yeah a big part is libido and
00:34:01
sexual desire and sexual confidence and
00:34:03
woman just going I want to spice it up
00:34:05
how do I do that I've lost my confidence
00:34:07
after having a baby or I've lost my
00:34:10
confidence after this has happened in
00:34:11
our relationship so it's woman kind of
00:34:14
just wanting to get back on the horse so
00:34:16
to speak you did did you lose any of
00:34:19
your confidence after absolutely yeah
00:34:21
did you yeah absolutely there was a part
00:34:22
of me that had to like build up again it
00:34:24
was almost like especially after not
00:34:26
having sex for such a long time and
00:34:28
after going through something like birth
00:34:31
it was like oh my gosh and obviously my
00:34:33
body had changed as well so I went
00:34:35
through um lots of layers of um
00:34:40
definitely societal stuff that that
00:34:42
bounce back culture after you have a
00:34:44
baby you should be ripped and looking
00:34:46
good and ready to go and you've got to
00:34:47
get your sex life back I was like I want
00:34:49
to make sure that I don't feel any of
00:34:52
that pressure um but I I did it did I
00:34:55
think it's inevitable as a woman yeah
00:34:57
and you're this is coming from you like
00:34:59
you're well equipped with the tools you
00:35:01
knew what to expect absolutely so no
00:35:03
one's immune right no absolutely not and
00:35:05
I I think it's that's important to
00:35:07
mention just because I do have all the
00:35:08
tools it doesn't mean I'm I'm not going
00:35:10
to go through hard experiences or
00:35:12
challenging experiences yeah who who are
00:35:15
some of the more unusual couples you've
00:35:17
seen is see anything that Springs to
00:35:20
mind it depends what unusual is you know
00:35:25
I think that I think everyone has their
00:35:26
own normal yeah like their problems or
00:35:29
their objectives and you think oh that's
00:35:31
uh that's out of the ordinary I mean
00:35:33
hard a a challenging one which this is
00:35:37
not
00:35:38
abnormal is just couples having
00:35:41
differences in what they want in the
00:35:43
bedroom where it's like maybe it's a
00:35:46
kink or a fantasy or something that they
00:35:48
want to do like have a threesome or open
00:35:50
their relationship and their partner's
00:35:52
like I don't want to do that what does
00:35:55
this mean for our relationship do we
00:35:56
stay together how do we work through
00:35:59
this how do we navigate the fact that
00:36:00
one partner really wants this and one
00:36:02
doesn't so nothing like crazy um but
00:36:07
just really working on like Dynamics
00:36:09
within relationships and and yeah that's
00:36:11
it's a challenging one yeah the
00:36:13
threesome must be a are you you are you
00:36:16
sitting there thinking this is beyond my
00:36:18
pay grade you guys need like cou therapy
00:36:20
or you need a a therapist or someone who
00:36:24
like around I mean a threesome is like
00:36:27
you know you can work through that and
00:36:29
talk about people's boundaries and stuff
00:36:31
like that but if someone comes to me
00:36:32
wanting to open their relationship
00:36:34
that's not something that I'm monogamous
00:36:36
through and through that's not something
00:36:38
that I work with couples so when there's
00:36:40
something Niche like that I absolutely
00:36:42
recommend them to go to a therapist or
00:36:44
to a coach that focuses on that in your
00:36:47
opinion what makes someone good and bad
00:36:49
you know how you hear the saying good
00:36:50
and bad yeah so many things I I I keep
00:36:53
coming back to communication but if you
00:36:55
can communicate if you are good at
00:36:56
communication you're going to be good at
00:36:58
sex like hands down someone who listens
00:37:02
someone who's open to receiving feedback
00:37:04
someone who's willing to explore stay
00:37:06
curious
00:37:08
open-minded
00:37:09
um who makes their partner's pleasure a
00:37:13
[Music]
00:37:14
priority yeah I think those are the the
00:37:16
the key things God I I've got a lot of
00:37:18
work
00:37:21
on all right I need to communicate more
00:37:23
stop being so selfish okay right right
00:37:26
it seems like a lot to she comes first
00:37:28
she comes a book she comes first I think
00:37:30
it's actually for men oh really yeah
00:37:34
yeah yeah
00:37:36
but you know it takes longer for woman
00:37:39
to reach orgasm right it takes
00:37:41
approximately 30 to 40 minutes for woman
00:37:43
to reach orgasm Men 2 to three minutes
00:37:47
on average right so if you look at those
00:37:50
stats and why we have such a huge orgasm
00:37:53
gap which is in heterosexual
00:37:55
relationships men orgasming more than
00:37:58
woman we need to be focusing on the
00:38:01
female body we need to be listening to
00:38:03
our female partners and really
00:38:05
understanding what is it that turns them
00:38:06
on what is it that turns them off what
00:38:08
gets them going how can I pleasure their
00:38:10
body how do they want me to touch their
00:38:12
body they have to know this first though
00:38:14
it's not up to you or men to go I'll
00:38:18
tell you what you want they've got to do
00:38:19
their homework we've all got to do our
00:38:21
homework how how do you stop sex from
00:38:23
becoming robotic in a long-term
00:38:25
relationship spice it up go have sex in
00:38:27
another room bring some toys into it
00:38:31
um just yeah you've got to really think
00:38:34
outside the box and I think a big one is
00:38:36
talking about what turns you on and what
00:38:38
turns you off what are your fantasies
00:38:41
what are your kinks what are things that
00:38:43
excite you that you've never explored
00:38:44
before like start to incorporate some of
00:38:48
those things even if it means starting
00:38:50
sex off in a different way so the person
00:38:53
who always
00:38:54
initiates you know there's there's
00:38:55
usually a common person who always
00:38:57
initiat
00:38:58
let the other person do it and like book
00:39:01
it in so like next week I'm going to be
00:39:04
initiating sex you're not going to know
00:39:06
when it is but I'm going to be stepping
00:39:08
into that role I don't want you to
00:39:09
initiate sex next week right so this is
00:39:11
like a conversation that you have yes
00:39:13
right absolutely yeah you've got to talk
00:39:14
about it Oh that's oh the communication
00:39:16
thing again no that sounds that sounds
00:39:19
really good okay this is going to happen
00:39:21
in the next week you don't know when or
00:39:23
where yeah and even if it is it's like
00:39:25
you know a lot of couples who have been
00:39:26
married or long-term relationships it's
00:39:28
like cool we kiss you probably touch me
00:39:30
there I'll probably do that to you and
00:39:32
then we'll start uh having penetrative
00:39:34
sex and then it'll all be over in x
00:39:37
amount of minutes you know and it's like
00:39:40
it's like you've seen my
00:39:41
tape I mean I didn't want to tell you
00:39:44
but yes it's it's funny though way
00:39:46
because I it's like I you you know it
00:39:50
would make sense that in a long-term
00:39:51
relationship like you you know as you
00:39:53
get to know someone better the intimacy
00:39:54
should get better there's still
00:39:56
something quite thrilling and erating
00:39:57
about a one night stand with someone you
00:39:59
hardly even know totally but yeah like
00:40:02
in in a lot of my relationships and and
00:40:05
I'm the common thread in all these
00:40:06
things so I know I'm the problem it does
00:40:08
get to the point I don't think I'm
00:40:09
selfish so I'll always make sure she
00:40:12
comes first but then it seems it seems
00:40:14
like a formula you know you know what I
00:40:16
mean so the same positions the same
00:40:18
thing I'll make sure she sorted and then
00:40:20
it's totally but even if there is that
00:40:23
routine and I'm not saying you have to
00:40:25
change up the whole routine what could
00:40:27
you just switch up like a position or a
00:40:31
bedroom or something that you're wearing
00:40:33
or something that you're even saying
00:40:35
just to make it feel slightly different
00:40:37
or to bring in a little bit of spice
00:40:39
right variety is the spice of life bring
00:40:41
in just a little bit of variety whatever
00:40:44
that is and like something practical is
00:40:48
actually getting a piece of paper I
00:40:49
share this all the time piece of paper
00:40:51
line down the middle turn ons turn offs
00:40:53
write down your senses what turns you on
00:40:55
through sound your eyes is smelling
00:40:58
taste touch and feel and then use
00:41:00
thoughts and Imagination as well write
00:41:02
down all the things that turn you on all
00:41:04
the things that turn you off they're
00:41:05
just as important because you could be
00:41:07
in bed with somebody and something that
00:41:09
turns you off is um potentially knowing
00:41:12
that the kids are going to walk in so
00:41:14
something that could help that is
00:41:15
knowing that the door's locked so if
00:41:17
your your man is like initiating and
00:41:20
you're hooking up in the bedroom
00:41:21
whatever and you're thinking oh my God
00:41:24
the door the kids could walk in you're
00:41:25
not going to get turned on right cuz
00:41:27
your body is going and it's telling your
00:41:29
brain now's not the right time to get
00:41:31
aroused or get turned on so you're going
00:41:33
to stay at a level one right while your
00:41:35
man is like firing in an eight but if
00:41:37
that door was locked and he knew that
00:41:40
then while you're hooking out whatever
00:41:41
he pushes you up against the wall and he
00:41:43
locks the door boom you're there you can
00:41:45
be in your body you can be in the moment
00:41:47
and so when you have these sheets with
00:41:49
each other share them even that's a bit
00:41:51
of foreplay when do we ever do that this
00:41:54
is something that my partner and I did
00:41:55
after birth as well just to to kind of
00:41:57
like reconnect again and it was so hot
00:41:59
and fun to know like oh you love it when
00:42:03
this happens or you love this
00:42:04
environment or like that turns you off
00:42:06
or and it was like oh I want I want to
00:42:08
make that happen and it's same same for
00:42:11
him like he was like oh it's so cool
00:42:12
learning this about you because now I
00:42:15
know exactly what ingredients you need
00:42:18
to get in the mood God this is really
00:42:20
good stuff this could save a lot of
00:42:21
relationships yeah totally when do we
00:42:24
ever really learn about our partners in
00:42:26
this
00:42:27
you know have you ever sat down with
00:42:29
your partner and have asked them what
00:42:31
are all the things that turn you on
00:42:33
never like we just don't do it never and
00:42:36
you think about um I suppose the thing
00:42:37
that attracts people to infidelity or
00:42:40
Affairs like it's the it's the
00:42:42
exhilaration right yeah it's the the
00:42:44
naughtiness rather than just the the sex
00:42:46
so what you're suggesting is to like
00:42:49
bring this into your relationship
00:42:50
absolutely novelty like whatever that
00:42:52
looks like for you and your partnership
00:42:54
like doesn't mean that you've always had
00:42:57
this desire to have public sex well how
00:42:59
can you make that happen talk about it
00:43:01
with your partner and it doesn't
00:43:02
necessarily mean they're going to be a
00:43:04
yes you've got to respect their
00:43:05
boundaries but how could you bring in
00:43:07
novelty how could you bring in
00:43:08
excitement and passion and play because
00:43:11
I've worked with couples who have been
00:43:12
together for 10 20 years and they're
00:43:14
having the best sex of their
00:43:17
lives you know so it really is
00:43:20
about having those sometimes awkward
00:43:24
conversations to go hey I'm feeling a
00:43:26
little bit stagnant around our sex at
00:43:28
the moment and like I've been thinking I
00:43:31
would love to like go on nature walk
00:43:34
with you and have sex out of nature with
00:43:36
you like what are your thoughts on that
00:43:38
and it's reassuring them there's no
00:43:40
pressure around that it's just an idea
00:43:41
that really excites me and kind of turns
00:43:43
me on and I want to do it with you what
00:43:44
are you
00:43:45
thinking not the mil and Dr in the
00:43:47
middle of summer
00:43:49
no I mean some people what those some
00:43:52
may okay how do you um how do you
00:43:54
navigate this stuff then if one person's
00:43:56
more ous and the others say quite
00:43:59
vanilla or prudish or whatever you want
00:44:01
to call it yeah yeah yeah I think it's
00:44:03
just like how can you meet in the middle
00:44:05
you know how can the person who's very
00:44:07
adventurous not necessarily tone it down
00:44:09
but what would the first stage look like
00:44:11
for them and the person who's maybe as
00:44:13
you mentioned a little bit more vanilla
00:44:15
like what would it look to go to level
00:44:17
one for you just spice things up a
00:44:19
little bit and you really the intention
00:44:22
is like you're doing it to connect with
00:44:25
your partner deeper you're doing it to
00:44:27
experience more pleasure you're doing it
00:44:29
to have more fun you're not doing it
00:44:31
because you're lacking something or
00:44:33
because it's not good enough you know
00:44:34
it's just like a different energy if
00:44:36
it's like babe I'm I've been thinking
00:44:38
about this you know I don't know sex out
00:44:41
in public again and like it really
00:44:42
excites me and I just imagining you and
00:44:45
me doing that like I just feel so turned
00:44:47
on and I want to make it happen with you
00:44:49
what are your thoughts on this again
00:44:51
there's no pressure you know so it's
00:44:53
just like the way you invite your
00:44:55
partner into a bit of novelty or fun or
00:44:57
excitement is so important you want to
00:44:59
do it in a way that's inviting them in
00:45:02
not
00:45:03
like our sex life is [ __ ] and like we
00:45:06
need to change it up yeah cuz you don't
00:45:09
want to you don't want them to like
00:45:10
completely shut down I guess and yeah
00:45:13
yeah they will and be and be offended
00:45:16
how much sex is
00:45:17
normal is there such a thing yeah and
00:45:20
you know this is it's a hard question I
00:45:22
get asked this a lot um there was a
00:45:24
study done recently where commonly it
00:45:28
was around three times a month but I'm
00:45:31
always really careful with that because
00:45:33
depending on what season of life you're
00:45:35
in for me example being postpartum I was
00:45:37
having no sex for many months that was
00:45:40
normal for me in that season of my life
00:45:42
so even when I say that number anyone
00:45:44
who's listening and maybe you have sex
00:45:46
once a month and that feels normal for
00:45:48
you and your relationship all good great
00:45:51
normalize that celebrate it if you're
00:45:53
someone who is like I want to be having
00:45:55
more sex you've got to have a
00:45:56
conversation with your partner how can
00:45:58
you invite them into having more sex
00:46:00
what does that look like for you so yeah
00:46:03
around yeah I think um your comparison's
00:46:06
a very dangerous thing eh so you go to a
00:46:09
barbecue with some friends and then you
00:46:11
find out Cheryl and David are doing it
00:46:12
four times a week suddenly yeah I I feel
00:46:16
like and sometimes you going to be so
00:46:18
careful of those conversations cuz some
00:46:19
people aren't actually doing it at all
00:46:20
and they feel so much shame and
00:46:22
embarrassment around it that they're
00:46:23
lying to cover up the the amount of
00:46:25
Shame and weight that they that they've
00:46:28
in a sexless relationship or marriage so
00:46:31
comparison yeah ditch it well then I
00:46:35
suppose this leads on from that how do
00:46:36
you how do couples deal with um or
00:46:38
navigate like a mismatched sex
00:46:41
drive this is a really common one yeah
00:46:44
great question
00:46:46
um the first thing you know what I'm
00:46:49
going to say is
00:46:51
communication the person who let's say
00:46:54
for an example there's a couple and one
00:46:56
and the guy for example says I want to
00:46:59
have sex uh 10 times a month and the uh
00:47:03
woman says well I only feel like it two
00:47:05
times a month how can you meet in the
00:47:08
middle so again it's kind of like your
00:47:10
kinks and Fantasies right and you come
00:47:13
up with whatever that looks like like I
00:47:15
okay I could feel comfortable doing it
00:47:17
four times a month that 10 that doesn't
00:47:19
feel like a yes for me it creates a lot
00:47:21
of pressure and stress four I can I can
00:47:24
manage that now the person who has the
00:47:26
highest sex I was going well I still
00:47:28
need it 10 times a month they need to
00:47:31
cultivate a self-pleasure practice
00:47:33
that's something that they need to do to
00:47:36
be able to I don't know scratch that
00:47:38
itch or whatever but it's up to them to
00:47:41
be able to cultivate that you can't
00:47:43
force your partner to go well you need
00:47:45
to be putting out 10 times a month you
00:47:46
know oh by the way can I just
00:47:48
congratulate you you just made um
00:47:50
jacking off sound very
00:47:52
sexy cultivating go go for a shower and
00:47:55
have a wank what did you call it
00:47:57
cultivating a self pleasure practice oh
00:47:59
my God that's amazing yeah yeah and and
00:48:03
um the there is the some sort of
00:48:06
societal perception that guys always
00:48:08
want it more than more than women true
00:48:11
no no lots of women I've worked with
00:48:13
multiple clients where women want it
00:48:16
more than their Partners I
00:48:18
mean yeah it it definitely is more
00:48:21
common that men do want it more
00:48:23
especially for mothers as well mothers
00:48:25
who are kind of Tapped Out tired not
00:48:27
necessarily wanting it as much but I've
00:48:30
absolutely worked with women who are in
00:48:32
the exact uh opposite
00:48:35
position and back to the thing you were
00:48:38
saying about cultivating a self-pleasure
00:48:40
practice practice um should that be a
00:48:43
secretive thing or should that be no
00:48:45
communication I think that's what makes
00:48:48
you know when you have secret wanks or
00:48:50
whatever it's like that's what creates
00:48:52
shame and like oh God I hope they don't
00:48:55
catch me I've got to do this danger wi
00:48:57
yeah danger W is that fun is it I've
00:49:00
never done one of
00:49:02
those so how do you mean you should be
00:49:04
open about it she be like okay I'm going
00:49:06
to take my phone now to the toilet and
00:49:09
well I mean do I wouldn't necessarily
00:49:12
like say I'm going to go have a wank now
00:49:15
like are you all good with that you know
00:49:18
you've already had the conversation and
00:49:19
you've agreed okay cool like we can have
00:49:22
sex four times a month and I know that
00:49:24
you're going to be self-pleasuring and
00:49:25
I'm completely okay with that because I
00:49:27
want your needs to get met so whether
00:49:30
you communicate afterwards it's up to
00:49:31
you to navigate if you want to talk
00:49:33
about it every time you have a wank or
00:49:34
your self-pleasure totally fine but I
00:49:36
don't feel like you need
00:49:38
to explicitly tell your partner I'm
00:49:41
going for a wank and is like okay we've
00:49:43
done it four times this month I'm ready
00:49:45
for I'm just giving you the ride of
00:49:48
refusal is there too much communication
00:49:51
yeah yeah I think we need to pull back
00:49:53
there um does does uh penis size matter
00:49:56
no no no I don't think it does
00:50:00
um and if it isn't hitting the right
00:50:04
spots you can change positions and there
00:50:06
are toys that can help with this as well
00:50:09
positions [ __ ] rings um additional
00:50:14
things that you can add to it but
00:50:18
no why did it become such a such a big
00:50:21
thing like guys like to gloat about the
00:50:22
penis size if a girl has a bad breakup
00:50:25
like she'll say oh you had a tiny
00:50:27
I know I think it's ridiculous I think
00:50:29
honestly pornography it comes back down
00:50:30
to pornography and even with woman it's
00:50:33
like oh she's got big breasts you know
00:50:34
it's seen as like a valuable thing just
00:50:37
like yeah it's like a big [ __ ] it's like
00:50:39
yeah it's not necessarily a great thing
00:50:42
you know I've I've met dudes who have
00:50:44
big penises and they're like it's [ __ ] I
00:50:47
can't even fit it all the way
00:50:50
in there's a guy on only fans called the
00:50:53
girth master I think he's he's making
00:50:55
like quar of a million bucks no I know
00:50:58
the oh my God that's crazy that's an
00:51:01
expensive [ __ ] um how can you keep that
00:51:03
initial lust alive yeah you know that
00:51:06
you know when you first meet someone and
00:51:08
you know yeah is it possible you know
00:51:11
what I mean it's like you meet someone
00:51:12
and maybe you date each other for
00:51:14
however long and then then you have sex
00:51:15
and you wake up in the that first night
00:51:18
and you have sex with each other and
00:51:19
then you have sex again in the morning
00:51:21
yeah yeah totally is is it just is it
00:51:23
impossible to keep that alive is that
00:51:25
just a chemical thing that disappears no
00:51:27
no no no I absolutely well I it's I
00:51:29
think it changes from lust into like
00:51:31
deep love and passion right when you get
00:51:34
to really know your partner there's more
00:51:37
love there so it are you wanting to keep
00:51:40
the lust alive I don't know that's not
00:51:41
something that I focus on keeping lust
00:51:43
alive it's more like how can we keep the
00:51:45
passion alive and the passion comes from
00:51:48
listening to each other exploring each
00:51:50
other staying open-minded with each
00:51:52
other trying new things right when you
00:51:54
learn it's together that's where it
00:51:55
creates that bonding in connection with
00:51:57
one another so yeah I would focus more
00:52:00
on like keeping the passion alive and
00:52:01
that's like being new bees at new things
00:52:03
together in the
00:52:06
bedroom God you're so good at the say
00:52:08
like I feel like you've got like a like
00:52:10
an awesome answer for any of these
00:52:12
questions I mean I'm just yeah I'm just
00:52:15
trying my best so so before you you you
00:52:19
you you know um dug your hson and got
00:52:21
really into this as like an occupation
00:52:23
um you were just a regular girl in her
00:52:24
20s just yeah mindly working your way
00:52:28
through life yeah yeah I was on super
00:52:30
arts and in a relationship just doing a
00:52:35
thing not really sure well I started off
00:52:37
as a yoga teacher actually before I went
00:52:39
to Super yachs I did a yoga training and
00:52:42
that was kind of like yeah that's what
00:52:45
allowed me to understand the body a bit
00:52:47
more cuz before that I was definitely I
00:52:49
partti a lot I drunk a lot I did lots of
00:52:52
drugs um and it was very unfulfilling
00:52:56
H yeah it brings you pleasure until it
00:52:58
doesn't anymore doesn't it it it's
00:53:00
temporary pleasure yeah yeah day yeah it
00:53:03
is it literally is um how do I know if
00:53:05
I'm a sex
00:53:08
addict gosh that's a very um complex
00:53:12
question I feel like you would need to
00:53:15
really unpack because someone could say
00:53:18
um I I love having sex every single day
00:53:22
it doesn't make you a sex addict you
00:53:24
know so it's almost like what are you
00:53:26
addict
00:53:27
to around sex yeah I feel like it can be
00:53:30
a cop out answer um for people that get
00:53:32
caught having an affair
00:53:34
right yes true yeah I didn't see that um
00:53:38
my partner is fixated on anal but I'm
00:53:40
not really Keen at with having his D and
00:53:43
my and my B any thoughts on this D and
00:53:46
my B well you that's absolutely fine you
00:53:48
don't have to be you know and it's like
00:53:51
being whoever you are is saying like
00:53:53
that's just not something I'm into and
00:53:55
again we always come back to respecting
00:53:57
our partner's sexual boundaries and
00:53:58
being completely okay with that like why
00:54:01
would you want to do something that your
00:54:02
partner's like that actually doesn't
00:54:03
feel good for me you know like that's
00:54:06
not going to bring you 100% pleasure
00:54:08
knowing that your partner doesn't
00:54:09
actually enjoy it enjoy it so for the
00:54:12
receiver be completely okay it's totally
00:54:15
fine you've got other holes to play with
00:54:18
explore those and yeah and but if you
00:54:21
ask somebody like if the question if she
00:54:23
wants to like it which she kind of
00:54:26
wasn't the question start off slow
00:54:28
create an environment that feels
00:54:30
relaxing for you explore like ask your
00:54:32
partner just to explore like fingers
00:54:34
around uh your anus creating like just
00:54:38
that connection around it without
00:54:39
anything being inserted um I don't know
00:54:43
if this is in a heterosexual
00:54:44
relationship but a lot of women things
00:54:46
have just been in inserted inside us um
00:54:51
forcefully or without um kind of any
00:54:54
boundaries or permission it's just kind
00:54:57
of like okay I'm going to insert it and
00:54:58
put it in so I think for a lot of women
00:55:01
we tend to close up around that area so
00:55:03
especially around um the anus as well
00:55:07
create a space that feels relaxing and
00:55:09
safe and just ask your partner lots of
00:55:11
lube to just start exploring it with
00:55:13
hands and communicate how does that feel
00:55:15
well that feels like a little bit weird
00:55:16
still or can you press a little bit
00:55:18
harder I'm just going to breathe a
00:55:19
little bit more bringing some Blended
00:55:21
pleasure around her clitoris so that's
00:55:23
not just focusing on her anus um and
00:55:26
then just to see how you go with that
00:55:27
and if you're still a no totally okay oh
00:55:30
you from other podcasts I've H you on
00:55:32
you're really big about butt stuff for
00:55:33
dudes right yeah absolutely it's where
00:55:36
your prostate lives for it's which is a
00:55:38
similar like it's where our our G-spot
00:55:40
lives in the upper wall of our vagina
00:55:42
you're like G Spot P Spot lives in
00:55:44
Uranus absolutely there is so much shame
00:55:48
and taboo around but play for men and
00:55:50
I'm like you are missing out if you
00:55:52
aren't slipping something up there
00:55:57
my my SP to just sort of clinches
00:56:02
up anytime like I I can feel like a a
00:56:05
finger around there it's like it just
00:56:06
like clenches up like a Venus fly twist
00:56:08
or
00:56:09
something I don't know I where is it how
00:56:13
far in is it is it sort of on the other
00:56:14
side of the perum towards your um
00:56:17
bladder
00:56:18
okay so I mean and look some people
00:56:22
don't like stuff around their butt feels
00:56:24
too tickly or it's just like it feels
00:56:26
like they're going to poo all the time
00:56:27
and they don't like it but
00:56:29
maybe you can
00:56:32
laugh um maybe it's just communicating
00:56:36
with your partner and like setting the
00:56:38
scene for butt stuff lots of lube always
00:56:41
lots of lube starting with a finger and
00:56:43
then maybe you bring in a little butt
00:56:46
plug just a little butt plug just a
00:56:49
tinty the smallest one imaginable um I
00:56:53
love my wife more than anything but I
00:56:55
just don't feel as sexually attracted to
00:56:57
her as I used to I know this is a me
00:56:59
problem but any tips to get over
00:57:01
it these are these are Instagram
00:57:03
questions it's very hard e with just the
00:57:05
yeah it is the Su and also I don't know
00:57:08
if it's about getting over it it's
00:57:10
communicating and sharing like
00:57:13
understanding yourself what's going on
00:57:14
here is has the dynamic in your
00:57:17
relationship changed to some degree I
00:57:19
love talking about polarity which is
00:57:21
like feminine energy and masculine
00:57:23
energy and relationship and we all have
00:57:24
these you have feminine masculine energy
00:57:26
I do too but sometimes that polarity is
00:57:28
shifted where if you're both in your
00:57:31
feminine energy and I can talk about
00:57:32
this in another way like leading and
00:57:34
following if you're both trying to lead
00:57:37
it's not going to create polarity or
00:57:38
attraction right it's like no come this
00:57:40
way no come this way follow me do as I
00:57:41
say and you're both doing that no
00:57:44
attraction you've got to have a leader
00:57:46
and a follower in your relationship
00:57:47
right someone's sitting back and saying
00:57:49
I trust you to lead I trust you to make
00:57:51
the decisions for our family and I I
00:57:54
trust you to lead
00:57:56
creates attraction so yeah look into
00:57:59
that what's happening in your dynamic in
00:58:01
your relationship are you communicating
00:58:03
and what is that energy Dynamic are you
00:58:05
both trying to leave are you both trying
00:58:07
to follow no you go no you go no you go
00:58:11
and it's just like there's no there's
00:58:12
going to be no attraction there you've
00:58:13
got to create that thing whatever the
00:58:16
fetish is and like it kind of blew my
00:58:18
mind like what are your thoughts on that
00:58:21
so you're taking yourself out of the
00:58:22
picture and actually just saying like oh
00:58:25
I read this thing here I saw that there
00:58:27
what are your thoughts on that and then
00:58:28
from there you can kind of gauge if
00:58:30
they're like Jesus what the [ __ ] yeah
00:58:33
yeah that's what I was thinking too then
00:58:35
you know maybe you can like yeah gross
00:58:39
ining another lady why would we want to
00:58:41
do that I would never do that either
00:58:44
it's disgusting how many people do you
00:58:46
need I'll put this boner back down
00:58:48
then oh that's a good way to go about it
00:58:50
just tasting the waters yeah tasting the
00:58:52
waters and then if they're like oh
00:58:53
that's kind of interesting or I find it
00:58:55
curious then maybe she like yeah
00:58:57
actually something in my body started
00:58:59
moving within me and I kind of feel felt
00:59:01
a little bit aroused around it like
00:59:03
would you ever want to explore that with
00:59:05
me or try that with me and I think it's
00:59:07
really important when we're talking
00:59:08
about our fetishes our Kinks our
00:59:10
fantasies it's a really [ __ ]
00:59:12
vulnerable conversation to have like
00:59:14
some people are so fearful and will take
00:59:18
their fetishes and The Kinks and the
00:59:19
fantasies to their grave because they
00:59:21
are so scared of being judged or shamed
00:59:23
or even their Partners leaving them or
00:59:25
seeing In a Different Light it's like oh
00:59:27
my God now they're going to know that I
00:59:29
like um being uh tied up and like
00:59:33
whipped viciously you know so I think um
00:59:38
when you have someone coming to you like
00:59:40
the receiver of someone telling you
00:59:41
about the K fantasy just know that it
00:59:44
may have taken them a whole lot to come
00:59:46
and share that with you and to not judge
00:59:48
them and even saying like thank you so
00:59:50
much for sharing that with me that feels
00:59:52
like really exciting or being honest and
00:59:54
saying like wow that feels feels like a
00:59:57
little bit U nerve-wracking for me or I
00:59:59
feel like I just need a couple of days
01:00:01
to sit with this so so key to have that
01:00:05
uh safe space to talk about these things
01:00:08
oh that's great that's really cool uh my
01:00:11
partner always finishes really quickly
01:00:13
often this is incredibly frustrating how
01:00:15
can I introduce him to edging what's
01:00:17
edging oh yeah edging edging okay so
01:00:20
edging is something say on a scale of 0
01:00:22
to 10 when we're talking about edging
01:00:25
you want to hang around and eight so
01:00:26
nine is like you're you're too far gone
01:00:29
you're about there 10 is like you're
01:00:30
blowing right so we want to hang around
01:00:32
that eight bit now what happens with
01:00:35
edging is we build somebody up so
01:00:38
building up um our partners through
01:00:40
foreplay whatever it is and you're going
01:00:43
to say you're actually going to
01:00:44
communicate and say babe I'm at a seven
01:00:46
or an eight and so you know call they at
01:00:48
an eight I need to slow this down so if
01:00:50
you're doing something an intense move
01:00:52
that you know builds them up really
01:00:54
quickly or gets them aroused see little
01:00:56
grin
01:00:58
um I'm I'm just um I'm probably
01:01:01
projecting here but if I'm night I'm
01:01:03
like no no no no there's no there's no
01:01:05
turning down right s
01:01:08
seven8 89 oh
01:01:10
[Laughter]
01:01:14
God too late next
01:01:17
time so yeah you want to hang around
01:01:20
that eight so it's so easy to
01:01:23
communicate babe where you at
01:01:26
uh I'm at a seven cool I'm going to like
01:01:28
start giving you a hand job and maybe
01:01:30
I'll move to just like massaging your
01:01:32
inner thighs or a bit of ball play or
01:01:34
kissing you or maybe it switches to you
01:01:37
pleasuring me now right and so you're
01:01:39
you're talking to each other which is
01:01:41
such an easy quick way to understand
01:01:43
where each other are at so you know
01:01:45
who's pleasuring who and what you need
01:01:46
to do so that you can both come
01:01:49
together literally yeah
01:01:52
absolutely I'm very much intended uh I
01:01:55
love sex but I'm extremely
01:01:56
self-conscious about how I look naked
01:01:58
any tips for getting over this yeah
01:02:00
you've got to create a relationship with
01:02:01
your body you've got to get over that
01:02:04
what pressure are you holding around
01:02:06
yourself what are you meaning your body
01:02:09
means you know what are you
01:02:12
um yeah I think a big thing and I'm
01:02:15
going to maybe assume this is female I'm
01:02:17
not sure but you've got to start loving
01:02:20
your body because it's it's literally
01:02:23
inhibiting your sex life right it's
01:02:25
going to inhibit the type of uh sex
01:02:28
you're having the positions that you're
01:02:30
in you've got to get in front of the
01:02:31
mirror and well this this is what I
01:02:34
share with my clients anyway massage
01:02:36
your body say affirmations to your body
01:02:38
move your body so that you actually feel
01:02:40
good get blood flowing through your body
01:02:42
eat good food you know all those things
01:02:44
that you do to feel good in your body
01:02:46
you got to be doing that and then yeah
01:02:49
cultivate a relationship to your body
01:02:51
got anyone that's listening to this that
01:02:53
knew you during your party girl era
01:02:54
they'll be like who is the eat good food
01:02:57
get some sleep hydrate your
01:03:01
skin yeah no she's dead that
01:03:04
one um I feel a sense of guilt after I
01:03:07
masturbate is this normal absolutely and
01:03:09
a lot of people who watch porn and
01:03:12
masturbate will feel guilty after that
01:03:14
it's something that you've got to get
01:03:16
over masturbation is actually super
01:03:19
normal and healthy and common you know
01:03:22
it's a way of caring for your body and
01:03:24
your pleasure so maybe instead of
01:03:26
self-pleasure it's almost
01:03:28
selfcare so yeah and unless of course
01:03:30
you're doing it in Bunnings then you
01:03:32
should feel good what the hell oh my god
01:03:35
um uh this is a very short question
01:03:38
should we schedule sex yes yeah
01:03:41
scheduling sex is great is that doesn't
01:03:43
take the any sort of romance out of it
01:03:45
it's interesting because I put a post up
01:03:46
on this the other day but you're not
01:03:48
scheduling penetration you know and
01:03:51
that's where a lot of people like oh so
01:03:52
unsexy like I have to be turned on I
01:03:54
have to be ready to go
01:03:56
I have to be like ready for sex what
01:03:59
about if you're just scheduling
01:04:00
connection what about if you're just
01:04:02
scheduling intimacy right as busy people
01:04:05
who many of us are time poor and if your
01:04:07
parents you'll understand this as well
01:04:10
sometimes you need to schedule in those
01:04:11
moments of just being with one another
01:04:13
and connecting with one another maybe
01:04:15
you're scheduling in a 10 minute or 15
01:04:17
minute giving and receiving and then
01:04:19
just seeing where it leads to but
01:04:21
absolutely I think nowadays scheduling
01:04:22
sex is so important otherwise it never
01:04:24
happens
01:04:26
yeah that's an interesting way of
01:04:27
looking at it because I suppose um I'm
01:04:29
probably guilty of this as well like
01:04:30
when you think about sex you do think
01:04:32
about orgasms or ption yes yeah you do
01:04:35
of course yeah and so I mean for some
01:04:39
people I I believe that you can make it
01:04:41
sexy you can make it hot you can build
01:04:43
it up during the day being like I can't
01:04:45
wait to give you a full body massage I
01:04:49
can't wait to suck your dot dot dot you
01:04:52
know you can build it up and create like
01:04:54
sex doesn't just happen in in the
01:04:55
bedroom sex happens out of the bedroom
01:04:57
we can build it up to be an amazing
01:04:59
experience in the bedroom and the key to
01:05:01
that is doing it outside of the bedroom
01:05:03
right so like three play yes three play
01:05:08
love it it's that right it makes it
01:05:11
makes so much sense so you're just
01:05:12
creating a sort of hype especially for a
01:05:14
woman's body who is very much like most
01:05:18
women need heart connection right and I
01:05:21
I put up a post uh last year it went
01:05:24
viral and it was and it said open her
01:05:27
heart before you open her legs right I
01:05:29
want to feel love trust and safety and
01:05:31
when I feel that in my body my body's
01:05:33
and my nervous system is able to relax
01:05:36
and open to you the situation the
01:05:38
experience the energy that's here if I
01:05:41
know that it's just like right we're
01:05:43
here for business let's just get
01:05:44
straight down into this there's no
01:05:45
emotional
01:05:47
connection potentially won't even reach
01:05:49
an orgasm it'll feel very um what's the
01:05:52
word where it's just like a transaction
01:05:54
M so so building it up outside of the
01:05:57
bedroom is what like creates really hot
01:06:00
fiery sex in the bedroom oh I love that
01:06:03
that's great what are your thoughts on
01:06:06
online sex like over FaceTime for
01:06:08
example great hot if you're in a
01:06:10
long-distance relationship absolutely
01:06:12
most of my relationships have been long
01:06:14
distance and I can tell you I've been
01:06:16
definitely doing some of
01:06:19
that uh my partner was a total freck
01:06:22
when we met now she calls me disgusting
01:06:24
if I suggest something we used to do
01:06:26
like six on a beach for example M
01:06:29
conversation yeah why is that why why
01:06:32
does that gross you out now or why do
01:06:34
you call me a freak now when this is
01:06:37
something that we used to share together
01:06:38
like tell me about that you know be
01:06:41
interested in why what what's shifted
01:06:43
her experience because that could bring
01:06:45
a bit more compassion to the situation
01:06:47
as well and help you better understand
01:06:48
oh it's because that time when this
01:06:51
happened it made her feel like this dot
01:06:53
dot dot and now she's shut down to it
01:06:55
when you understand a situation you're
01:06:57
easy to you're easily able to unpack it
01:07:00
and then maybe explore it
01:07:02
again [ __ ] this is insightful it's so
01:07:05
much of it is um is from the neck app eh
01:07:08
absolutely oh my God our brain is our
01:07:10
biggest sexual
01:07:11
organ that's crazy um lately we have
01:07:15
been really tired just um with General
01:07:18
adulting we are currently on a 10e dry
01:07:20
spell should we be worried about the
01:07:21
health of our relationship absolutely
01:07:23
not no simple answer absolutely not sex
01:07:27
and I said this before but sex doesn't
01:07:29
mean that you've got a healthy
01:07:31
relationship if you're doing if you're
01:07:32
having sex five times a week that
01:07:34
doesn't mean you've got a great
01:07:35
relationship absolutely not I didn't
01:07:38
have sex for six months I had a
01:07:39
phenomenal
01:07:40
relationship sometimes you're just in
01:07:42
these seasons of life where you go
01:07:43
through dry spells it's being able to
01:07:45
get out of the dry spell that's the key
01:07:48
right which is like bringing in some
01:07:50
excitement honestly scheduling intimacy
01:07:52
and starting with intimacy and
01:07:53
connection rather than sex a lot of
01:07:56
people who don't have sex go oh my God
01:07:58
okay [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] we've got to have
01:08:00
sex we've got to have sex it's like no
01:08:02
just start level one what's that
01:08:04
intimacy let's start connecting with
01:08:06
each other's desires and bodies again do
01:08:08
do the turn on and off um practice
01:08:11
that's a great way to get things going
01:08:12
where you're not actually naked and
01:08:14
being like all
01:08:15
right let's do it what's what's that
01:08:18
what's the turn on turnoff practice the
01:08:19
sheet that get a piece of paper line
01:08:21
down the middle turn on turn off you a
01:08:24
for bit of paper yeah that's bloody
01:08:26
great bit of homework and quite fun
01:08:27
doing it with your partner um yeah this
01:08:30
one's very similar to that last one how
01:08:31
can we get out of our dry spell without
01:08:33
adding extra pressure I think intimacy
01:08:36
coming back to and it's like having a
01:08:38
conversation around and and just
01:08:40
acknowledging like babe I'd love to have
01:08:43
a little chat have it outside of the
01:08:45
bedroom maybe even go to the beach or
01:08:47
get a little coffee or go for a walk
01:08:48
where you're not necessarily like
01:08:49
looking at each other in the eyes like
01:08:51
where you're driving or whatever and
01:08:54
just acknowledge it have a conversation
01:08:56
about it and then both think of an idea
01:08:57
of like what would feel fun right rather
01:09:00
than a a chore or a job what would feel
01:09:03
fun to kind of get the wheels of motion
01:09:05
again and even thinking yourself like or
01:09:08
even saying hey we're going to go have a
01:09:09
talk about you know our relationship
01:09:12
let's both bring an idea that we want to
01:09:14
like um how we can get things started
01:09:16
again and then sharing with one
01:09:18
another this is all great stuff I I feel
01:09:21
both both um people in any partnership
01:09:23
need to be on the same page if someone's
01:09:24
defensive a then it's over right it's
01:09:27
literally going to get nowhere and
01:09:30
defensive it just it really so un sexy
01:09:33
as well yeah and it's just really hard
01:09:35
you know if you want things to be moving
01:09:38
you've got to nourish your own [ __ ] you
01:09:41
know if if I'm having conversation with
01:09:43
my partner and he says something to me
01:09:46
and I can feel that trigger in my body
01:09:48
it's so important for me just to have
01:09:49
two feet Earth down on the ground and
01:09:51
take a breath and even just
01:09:52
acknowledging like oh it kind of like
01:09:56
hit me in the heart I'm just going to
01:09:57
take a moment cuz I don't want to react
01:09:59
right now and I'm just going to like
01:10:01
figure out what to say and maybe you
01:10:03
even go I just need five minutes I'm
01:10:05
just going to walk outside and take a
01:10:06
minute but that way it's like oh my
01:10:09
partner knows that what they said is
01:10:11
triggered me in a certain way they're
01:10:13
resourcing self- resourcing I'm just
01:10:16
going to like give them that space
01:10:17
rather than like come on answer or like
01:10:20
why have you gone you know it's like
01:10:21
hold the container hold the space for
01:10:23
those kind of conversations m
01:10:26
why is so much pressure put on sex and
01:10:28
marriage and is it actually a failure
01:10:30
when it waines no it's not a failure no
01:10:34
um I think there's so much pressure
01:10:35
because we we have got this idea that
01:10:38
sex means good relationship sex means
01:10:42
healthy marriage and for some people it
01:10:45
is a big thread that keeps things going
01:10:47
and and it does create connection but
01:10:49
it's not the be all and all you know so
01:10:52
I think yeah there's just a societal
01:10:54
pressure that we put on sex yeah it's
01:10:57
like the comparison thing we were
01:10:58
talking about before you can't you can't
01:11:00
help but do it yeah um any tips for
01:11:03
balancing the the mundaneness of life
01:11:06
with the need for eroticism and a
01:11:07
long-term relationship W this is a good
01:11:10
question can you say that again no I
01:11:13
can't any tips for balancing the man
01:11:16
mundaneness of life with the need for a
01:11:19
rotic ISM in a long-term relationship I
01:11:21
feel like you need to talk about it and
01:11:22
book it in and like think about what are
01:11:25
some of of those things that brings
01:11:26
Aeros into your life and your
01:11:28
relationship you know is it is it
01:11:30
accessories is it an experience is it a
01:11:33
location and it's so important as well
01:11:35
we can bring AOS into our every single
01:11:37
day we can bring bring pleasure into our
01:11:39
every single day but it's our awareness
01:11:41
that does that so for maybe one person
01:11:44
what brings me um AOS in my everyday
01:11:48
maybe it's just having a slow shower and
01:11:50
moisturizing my body and tuning into
01:11:52
like AOS within my body maybe it's
01:11:55
creating a ritual uh with my partner and
01:11:58
and calling in erotic energy together
01:12:00
through a certain practice like orgasmic
01:12:02
breathwork or like [ __ ] massage or [ __ ]
01:12:06
massage or like I mean there's so many
01:12:08
things I think getting into Tantra which
01:12:10
is something that I studied that will
01:12:12
help you really activate more AOS in
01:12:15
your relationship is is Tantra on the
01:12:18
same page as aging or no is it
01:12:20
completely different no Tantra is a a
01:12:22
practice it's a um it's a
01:12:26
um way of kind of looking at sex well
01:12:30
neotantra is yes it's like in the
01:12:32
Buddhist
01:12:34
tradition oh so I think of Tantra six is
01:12:37
that the same thing or different yeah
01:12:39
exactly exactly that's neotantra
01:12:41
classical chantra doesn't even involve
01:12:43
sex so yeah um I've never had an orgasm
01:12:46
I lied to my partner because it would
01:12:48
devastate him what's wrong with me oh
01:12:50
nothing is wrong with you and I think
01:12:52
you've got to tell your partner you know
01:12:54
and just say look I and maybe you don't
01:12:57
tell your partner I've been faking it
01:12:59
all along but I think you know maybe you
01:13:01
don't need to go there but save that one
01:13:04
until you have a really big
01:13:07
argument no um no I think it's
01:13:09
communicating you've got to figure out
01:13:12
your uh needs wants and Desires in
01:13:15
relationship a lot of the time when
01:13:16
people aren't orgasming women it's like
01:13:20
they don't even know what turns them on
01:13:21
they don't even know what touches like
01:13:23
you've got to start touching yourself
01:13:24
you've got got to start self-pleasuring
01:13:26
and learning what gets you going and
01:13:28
then showing your partner or telling
01:13:30
your partner grab their hand and say I
01:13:32
love it like this and then move their
01:13:33
hand in that situation communicate with
01:13:36
them and say like I need more or I need
01:13:39
less or can you go
01:13:41
slower it's so important during sex
01:13:45
communication because literally you have
01:13:47
the power to to allow yourself to orgasm
01:13:51
it's through your
01:13:52
voice yeah that's a big step into
01:13:55
vulnerability I guess for a whole lot of
01:13:57
people which is scary it is and there's
01:13:59
a type of way of sexual communication
01:14:02
you know it's like you don't have to say
01:14:04
what the hell are you doing stop it or
01:14:09
like um but it's really like how can you
01:14:12
guide the energy how can you say babe I
01:14:15
love it when you slow down a little bit
01:14:17
yes oh my God that's so good like using
01:14:20
that positive reinforcement and
01:14:23
saying just a little bit to the left
01:14:25
babe or I'm starting to feel a little
01:14:28
bit like shut down disconnected can we
01:14:30
go back to kissing or can we go back to
01:14:32
a little bit of foreplay or you know
01:14:34
it's like where do you want it to go
01:14:36
what do you need you can't just expect
01:14:39
your partner to be down there or up
01:14:41
there whatever doing the thing and going
01:14:44
no I don't want this or I this doesn't
01:14:47
feel good you've got to be able to
01:14:49
understand what you need next and and
01:14:51
exploring that hey this has been great
01:14:54
this is this is so good like there's
01:14:56
been a lot of diverse questions here and
01:14:58
there's only there were two very
01:14:59
challenging ones that you passed on but
01:15:00
everything else I mean your answers make
01:15:03
it it it I was going to say it is simple
01:15:05
but it's it's more complex than that but
01:15:08
you do make it seem very
01:15:09
simple yeah what's the what's been the
01:15:12
biggest thing that you've learned from
01:15:14
all those answers uh probably the
01:15:16
importance of communication really
01:15:18
that's probably if I was going to write
01:15:19
one word down on a bit of paper and
01:15:21
underline it three times that would be
01:15:22
the thing yeah and communication is the
01:15:24
hard
01:15:26
M yeah yeah it's about yeah tearing your
01:15:31
walls down it is both parties yeah
01:15:33
you've got to go in with an open heart
01:15:35
and I think when we communicate with our
01:15:38
minds it it
01:15:40
gets a little bit scratchy gritty we
01:15:44
don't really know what to say and we get
01:15:46
anxious but if we communicate with our
01:15:48
hearts it's like and we really feel or
01:15:51
we share how we feel like babe I'm
01:15:53
feeling really nervous to share this
01:15:54
with you I'm feeling a little bit scared
01:15:56
to have this conversation but I want to
01:15:58
love you better I want to [ __ ] you
01:16:00
better I want to know what really gets
01:16:01
you going like I want you and us to have
01:16:04
a great sex life and I'm willing to
01:16:06
start that conversation today even
01:16:07
though my knees are shaking or I'm
01:16:09
sweating beads you know it it comes from
01:16:12
someone being vulnerable how can people
01:16:15
get hold of you what's the easiest way
01:16:17
Instagram Melissa rangie yeah or my
01:16:21
website I'm sure you'll probably link
01:16:22
those and if someone um
01:16:25
there'll be a lot of people I guess that
01:16:28
wouldn't necessarily feel comfortable
01:16:29
being in a group situation um Lots so so
01:16:32
as is it one-on-one or you do couples or
01:16:34
a bit of everything uh I don't work with
01:16:36
couples I work with women in
01:16:37
relationship but yeah one-on-one
01:16:39
coaching with women single Solo in
01:16:41
relationships and marriages um I have
01:16:44
online programs I have inperson
01:16:46
workshops I have master classes online
01:16:49
um yeah and when's the next um BJ like a
01:16:53
boss are you going weekend
01:16:55
right so we're recording this at the
01:16:57
beginning of May so that's next weekend
01:16:59
yes so it's the 11th of May okay so
01:17:01
you're doing these every month at the
01:17:03
moment yes yeah yeah yeah were you think
01:17:05
about doing more well they're just
01:17:07
selling out so fast and they are very
01:17:09
fun so we'll see at the moment I've got
01:17:12
two in ockland maybe one down in toonga
01:17:15
and then I'm flying to Sydney and
01:17:17
Melbourne to do them at the end of June
01:17:19
so we'll see cuz cuz it's it's it's a
01:17:23
fun novelty sort of thing
01:17:25
that factor but it's also a genuine
01:17:29
thing isn't it it is and I think that's
01:17:31
what makes it so great is you actually
01:17:33
learn so many things you're doing it
01:17:36
with like a whole lot of other women who
01:17:38
are in the same situation nervous scared
01:17:40
and like WTF yeah awkward it's awward it
01:17:44
is it is but after a couple of glasses
01:17:47
of prco you know it's like what the hell
01:17:49
a lot of women want to learn how to
01:17:51
pleasure men imagine if men could do
01:17:54
that you know like can you imagine men
01:17:56
in a room with a whole lot of
01:17:58
vvas what would we use like peaches
01:18:02
or what what would we yeah maybe orang
01:18:06
papayas yes papayas papayas
01:18:11
definitely dud walking up with sloppy
01:18:14
orange oh unreal unreal eat papaya like
01:18:17
a
01:18:18
prince I don't know that's a work one
01:18:22
what what other names did you um you
01:18:24
must have had like a brainstorm or a
01:18:26
workshop before you s on BJ like a boss
01:18:28
what was that was so my sister came up
01:18:30
with that name I can't remember what
01:18:31
other name she came up she was she's so
01:18:33
good at picking names there was
01:18:35
definitely like um give head like a
01:18:38
hero um go down like a something a
01:18:43
rather like a demon
01:18:48
yeah imagine that here I go
01:18:55
oh you little devil get down devil um no
01:18:59
that's all I can remember but BJ like a
01:19:01
boss was just like this feels fiery like
01:19:03
I love it hey well congratulations on
01:19:05
all the success you're enjoying at the
01:19:07
moment it's it's very welld deserved and
01:19:09
this has been so informative I wasn't
01:19:10
sure what to expect um I I've never done
01:19:14
anything like this on my podcast before
01:19:15
so I'm not sure how it's going to be
01:19:18
received or what sort of re I I think
01:19:19
that there's a there's a lot of people
01:19:20
that won't even listen to a a you know a
01:19:22
podcast with a six coach on because just
01:19:24
won't be their thing yeah um but anyone
01:19:26
that is um sort of on the fence that has
01:19:28
listened I'm sure they would have got
01:19:30
something out of this yeah it's been
01:19:32
really informative yeah good really good
01:19:34
stuff yeah Melissa VES thank you so much
01:19:37
thanks Tom
01:19:39
[Music]

Badges

This episode stands out for the following:

  • 70
    Best concept / idea
  • 60
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  • 60
    Most creative

Episode Highlights

  • Empowerment Through Knowledge
    Melissa shares her transformative experience at a workshop on female anatomy.
    “How do I not know this about my body?”
    @ 03m 06s
    June 05, 2024
  • BJ Like a Boss
    Melissa's workshop empowers women to enhance their partner's pleasure.
    “It should be called giving H, not a BJ.”
    @ 14m 14s
    June 05, 2024
  • The Importance of Lube
    Lube enhances sexual experiences and is essential for comfort and pleasure. "Lube is key for everything every time you have sex."
    “Lube is key for everything every time you have sex.”
    @ 21m 29s
    June 05, 2024
  • Communication in Relationships
    Open communication about desires and boundaries is crucial for a healthy sex life. "Communication is big and just talking about what real sex is."
    “Communication is big and just talking about what real sex is.”
    @ 25m 06s
    June 05, 2024
  • Intimacy Beyond Sex
    A fulfilling relationship can thrive without sex, focusing on emotional connection. "Sex is important and amazing, but you can still be deeply intimate without it."
    “Sex is important and amazing, but you can still be deeply intimate without it.”
    @ 31m 56s
    June 05, 2024
  • The Thrill of One Night Stands
    There's something thrilling about a one night stand, even amidst long-term relationships.
    “There's still something quite thrilling about a one night stand.”
    @ 39m 56s
    June 05, 2024
  • Communication is Key
    Navigating mismatched sex drives requires open communication between partners.
    “The first thing you know what I’m going to say is communication.”
    @ 46m 51s
    June 05, 2024
  • Cultivating Self-Pleasure
    Self-pleasure can be a healthy way to navigate mismatched sex drives in relationships.
    “Cultivating a self-pleasure practice is important.”
    @ 47m 33s
    June 05, 2024
  • The Importance of Trust
    Trust is essential in relationships, especially when leading family decisions.
    “I trust you to lead I trust you to make”
    @ 57m 49s
    June 05, 2024
  • Scheduling Intimacy
    Scheduling sex can enhance connection and intimacy in busy lives.
    “Scheduling intimacy is so important otherwise it never happens.”
    @ 01h 04m 21s
    June 05, 2024
  • Communication in Relationships
    Effective communication is vital for understanding desires and enhancing intimacy.
    “Communication is the key to a great sex life.”
    @ 01h 16m 06s
    June 05, 2024
  • Success and Growth
    Melissa shares the rapid success of her workshops and future plans. 'They’re selling out so fast!'
    “They’re selling out so fast!”
    @ 01h 17m 09s
    June 05, 2024

Episode Quotes

Key Moments

  • Pivotal Moment03:38
  • Communication Matters25:06
  • Intimacy Redefined31:56
  • Navigating Mismatched Drives46:38
  • Exploring Boundaries53:57
  • Workshops1:16:44
  • Creative Naming1:18:35
  • Informative Podcast1:19:10

Words per Minute Over Time

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