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[Music]
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Melissa vangi certified holistic sex Co
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welcome to my podcast thank you thanks
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for having me this this is the first um
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I've never done anything like this
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before on the podcast um so it's going
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to be it's going to going to be
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interesting because a lot of people are
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very strange about sex aren't they yeah
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yeah I think they get embarrassed
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ashamed scared what why do you think why
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do I know it's a very very intimate
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thing and a lot of people are very
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private but why do you think some people
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are or actually a lot of people are
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funny about I don't know even hearing a
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podcast about it totally yeah I I just
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spoke to my nail lady today and she said
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that her friend wanted to follow me but
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then she said oh but people see un
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following a sex coach and I feel like
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that's society I feel like it's cultural
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potentially religion um and also the
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fact that we don't talk about it enough
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and so people are unsure how to talk
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about it Unsure how to navigate
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conversations or topics around it it's
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still very taboo um so yeah I think
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those are a few reasons why people hold
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back from leaning into it yeah well this
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is going to be fun because I put on
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Instagram you're coming here yeah and
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there was no shortage of questions like
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there's just so so so many so we'll get
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into all them but first of all um let's
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get to know you a little bit um so your
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name is Melissa vangis certified
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holistic sex coach um I was looking at
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your LinkedIn page so from 20 2005 to
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2011 you're an events man events
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director yeah then uh 2011 to 2020 um
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working on the super yacht yeah yeah and
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and then um since 2020 six coach yeah
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crazy career pivot so so how old were
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you in
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2020 um oh my God okay I'm 36 now so 32
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mess 32 okay so why so I went to this
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Workshop I was in baliy this is how
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tracking back just before I go to this
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Workshop I've always been curious about
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sex and
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pleasure and when I was in B I did a
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solo trip went to B booked into this
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workshop and it was called understanding
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sex and I was like no one's going to
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know that I go to this Workshop no one's
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going to know I don't have to tell
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anyone and so already there was shame
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that I was going to learn something
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about this it was all for woman and we
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went there and it was woman of all ages
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and we started learning about just the
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female anatomy erogenous zones pleasure
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um breast massage all different types of
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V V like it blew my freaking mind I was
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like at that time I was 28 and I thought
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how do I not know this about my body how
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do I not know this about my stuff how do
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I not know this about sex everyone's
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doing it no one's talking about it and
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so that for me was just this pivotal
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moment of my life that I was just hungry
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for more because it actually felt so
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empowering learning about my intimate
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body in this way and being able to
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relate and connect with my partner on a
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much deeper level therefore experiencing
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more
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pleasure so it was just this moment that
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I'm like I need more I need more I need
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more and I just started traveling around
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the world at that time I was working on
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Super yachs um and so I could just
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whenever I had time off I would go to
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these Retreats I would go to these
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trainings in Mexico and B and Australia
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and Europe and just learn and learn and
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learn and and I did that for four years
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before I started a professional career
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out of it cuz I listen into a heap of um
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podcast that you've been on an
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anticipation of this so um correct me if
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I've got anything wrong but from what I
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can gather um you're in a relationship
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and the reason you went to Barley solo
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is you were deciding if you wanted to
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break up with the guy or not yes well
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done and so you ended up you ended up
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dumping him I did yeah I did right not
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straight after the workshop um a couple
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of years later okay all right you know
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we need to stay in relationships for
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twoo long like yeah I should have done I
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should have done it two years and and
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from another podcast um you you
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described yourself as like a reformed
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party girl yes so I'm guessing your your
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partying would have been done like
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through through your 20s so totally you
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would have had potentially like a lot of
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horrible sexual experience a lot of
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terrible one night stands from
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remember right right so okay so you go
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to B with the intention of was it sort
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of like it was a new so was it sort like
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a Eat Pray Love yeah totally totally
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yeah I was there on on my own and it was
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just kind of I was seeing friends but
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totally e Pray Love Vibes yeah yeah so
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so you returned home and you're with
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that guy for another two years yeah was
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that because of the stuff you learned
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you thought maybe I can try and save the
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relationship with I think it was because
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we're working on boats together we're in
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a relationship working on boats together
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um a part of me didn't want to I still
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very much loved him but my intuition in
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my gut was like this is not the right
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one for you and so I think I just stayed
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trying to not necessarily fix it due to
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like the sex or the relationship but
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just hang in there to see to to be
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proved that it wasn't the right
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relationship and two years
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later oh God everyone's guilty of that
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yeah totally um so so what set of
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trainings involved you did like a a
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full-time one-year course yep y so I did
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a one-year certification um and then
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prior to that um I was in India for a
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couple of weeks where I did another
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training with the sex ologist and then
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just bits and pieces like some weekend
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stuff another little week long lots of
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online stuff um but yeah the big
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certification was a year-long one with a
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teacher called Lea Martin who's
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incredible so so what's that like so
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when you when you're doing a full-time
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sex course like when you get home and
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you're like I can't wait to try this
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stuff out with my partner or is it like
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you get home and it's like oh don't even
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put that thing away
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no um no so it was all online so at the
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schools based in uh the states it's all
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online but the start of the program is
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very much your own personal Journey so
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you're actually not diving into being a
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coach or therapist or or holding space
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for anyone until you've been on like a
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six month or five to six month Journey
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yourself uh and then you start learning
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how to hold space for others because you
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the tools have been integrated into your
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body your system therefore you can
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understand how it may feel for somebody
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else which I think is so important
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um and then yeah another six months
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going into like the professional side of
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holding space and and yeah and then what
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was the reaction like like when you tell
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your parents or your wider family so
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supportive really so supportive I'm so
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lucky I've got a very open um minded
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family both my mom and my dad I've grown
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up it's been open um ever since I can
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remember which I'm I'm so glad I mean BJ
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like a boss I'm sure that's probably
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like you know pushing it with Dad but he
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is so supportive he he will never say
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anything whenever I tell him about it
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you know how quickly it's sold out or
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podcast I'm being on he's just like I'm
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so proud of you but I know that it
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definitely pushes the envelope yeah yeah
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BJ like a boss we we'll get into that in
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great detail because you've sort of gone
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like viral for that it it's it's really
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sort of like um in terms of your career
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growth um I feel like it's been
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exponential it's been like a Tipping
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Point it has it absolutely has wildly
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and would have never guessed that yeah
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so um yeah you talking about your dad I
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think about my mom like she's super
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supportive listens to every podcast I do
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but I feel weird about fair enough yeah
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fair enough dad started following me and
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then I put up something called um 10
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[ __ ] affirmations like things that you
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should be saying and dad said to Mom I
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think I'm going to start unfollowing
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meliss well what are what's the what's
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the [ __ ] affirmations can you remember
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what some of them are yeah what you like
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your beautiful like I love you um you
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know things that you would want things
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that you'd say to your best friend or to
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yourself or somebody say that to this
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part of your body a lot of people are
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disconnected you know you could be
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saying it to your genitals as well it's
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just things that you would say to kind
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of like bring good energy positive
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energy down to that right so guys could
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do that as well yeah I'm [ __ ]
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affirmations you're you're not Jack know
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what they say on you are you are a big
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boy
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um what what's the what's the worst sex
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you've had like personally God worst sex
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I probably don't remember it um no I do
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it'll be
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somebody trying to think back I I would
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have been drunk and probably performing
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I would have faked an orgasm I can see
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the person I can see the person and it
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was just [ __ ] you know it's where you go
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I'm I'm doing everything that they think
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or that I think they would want and
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disregarding my body and my pleasure and
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then you leave just going what the hell
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was the point in that and that's so
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common you know just to get validation
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that that I'm wanted or that I belong or
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whatever it is you know so I think yeah
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it's um
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and what are there if any in your
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professional experience the most common
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sex x from both women and men sex
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x well I can I mostly I work with women
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so I can probably really speak into that
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but I would say and this is in
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heterosexual relationships is men coming
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into the bedroom and just thinking that
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they're know at all and won't take
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feedback you know they highly offended
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if their woman wants to try and guide
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them to do something else is that where
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you get well I didn't have any
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complaints from any previous Partners
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well my last partner loved that
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move like I'm not your last partner that
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does happen my my my um my first serious
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girlfriend she really loved like having
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her nipples um bitten like quite hard
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yeah and then after that my very
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immediate relationship afterwards I
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chomped down on the nipples she's like
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what was
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that get back
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tiger okay so um so BJ like a boss uh we
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where was this idea born um it was an
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online Workshop that was created um just
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out of I kept getting these questions
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coming up from women speaking about
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[ __ ] and like how do I um do like
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what about if I get S jaw what about if
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you know these questions that just keep
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coming out related to [ __ ] but also
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actually it's a bit wider than just
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[ __ ] it's men's pleasure as a whole
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women are yearning to learn how to
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pleasure their men and so yeah we just
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kind of niched it down and went into um
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jobs
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and it blew up like online it was one of
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the most brought courses and then I just
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decided to bring it out into the public
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which was very edgy and scary and I did
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not know how it would
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go yeah I can't imagine the anxiety you
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head around that completely oh my God I
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was I just I said to one of my
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girlfriends when I was walking I was
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like have I lost the plot am I like what
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what are people going to think of me
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doing a [ __ ] Workshop what like how
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am I not going to or how am I going to
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make this at least Chic and not tacky
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because it has the ability to be very
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tacky you know some if you're like see
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guys I'm off to a BJ Workshop like you
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know what do you think it's definitely
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not like in a beautiful restaurant
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everyone dressing up with champagne and
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like goodie bags which is what BJ like a
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bosses so I really wanted it to be like
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girls night out like you get dressed up
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you put your heels on you drink
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champagne and you suck suck
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dildos so so what are the dildos like
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just like a a suction cap yeah suction
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capup pink glittery dildo I wish I
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brought one with with the balls as well
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absolutely oh God you oh you can't just
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do a half job right and and and who so
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is it um is it like um hens parties that
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come along or is it groups of strangers
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it's a variety so it all started out
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doing private H so A girlfriend of mine
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said Mal can you do us a solid we've got
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a hens party coming up can you do a
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[ __ ] workshop and I was like whoa
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I've never done that before and like I'm
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I'm prepared but I'll get a bag of
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carrots and like sure I'll come and do
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the workshop with you so we had a bag of
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carrots we had condoms I printed our
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little brochure and then Word of Mouth
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just spread and people like hey I heard
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you did this work a [ __ ] Workshop my
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friend's head d d one week I had like
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four people messaging me about this one
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carat [ __ ] Workshop that I did I was
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like there's there's a need for it and
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last summer was my first summer where it
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was it was pretty much booked out and I
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upgraded from the carrots to the pink
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suction cup Dil so yeah and I've heard
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you on like podcast talking about this
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and it's a I think it's a really
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important thing it's not about um
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because a lot of people be like well why
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you know why do I care you know um and
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and people will say statistically only
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half half half of people involved in a
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[ __ ] will be having a good time um
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but this is I've heard you talk about
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you talk about quite passionately
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passionately it's um just as much about
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um the The Giver as the receiver
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absolutely it doesn't it should be it
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shouldn't be called a [ __ ] should
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just be called like giving H but I
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believe and this is the whole intention
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of BJ like a boss is teaching women how
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to pleasure men through a female Focus
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lens so it's not like you're not getting
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down on your knees and you're not doing
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the deed and going okay well you finish
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it are you done you can actually enjoy
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it too and I think that's a big part
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that's missing in the education around
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this is when you're enjoying it and your
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partner's enjoying it there's more
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energy there's more excitement there's
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more juiciness there's more passion
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there's more aliveness and that's what
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makes good sex so instead of being
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someone who's just like okay let's tick
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this off it's your
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birthday you know true and your birthday
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Ann
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yeah um it can be so much more than that
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and I think that's that's what I just
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love teaching woman it doesn't have to
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be a job and even if after the workshop
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it still feels like a job that's okay
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you don't have to enjoy it but there are
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ways that you can enjoy it too when
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you're in your body when you know the
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targeted zones to to hit it gives you
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more confidence therefore you're more on
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board and the the the women that attend
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are they for the most part signing
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themselves up I'm just thinking if you
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AB you're I'm thinking it's it's my
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partner's birthday today if I gave her a
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voucher this morning you can't do it um
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yeah I feel like that could be seen as
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offensive absolutely I don't think you
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can do that I don't I had this
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conversation a while ago and it's like
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you can't tell your part you can't book
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your partner into up skill in the
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bedroom unless you're involved and
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you're doing something together it's
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like babe let's do this Workshop so we
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can um work on our communication skills
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or let's do this
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thing where we can both learn how to get
00:16:01
better at giving head but no not a great
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present so so
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every turns up they they they take their
00:16:09
seats I'm guessing the dynamic different
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uh is different from crowd to crowd so
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say if it's a group of friends they're
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already yeah the ice is already broken
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but if it's strangers how do you like
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how do you address the room how do you
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get the ball rolling the ball is
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rolling squ and rolling um I so first of
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all everyone it's like it's a very
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beautiful environment the event that I
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do in Oakland where you kind of like
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there's a host she will take you to your
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seat um and you get poured a glass of
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Bubbles and then I will come over to
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each table and just chat and talk to
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everyone help them feel a bit more
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comfortable ask them how their morning's
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been or day's been and then it's kind of
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just like meet and chat to each other
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like you're in a booth setting so it's
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kind of easy you're sitting in this like
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nice Booth setting to chat to each other
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and everyone's feeling the same
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everyone's [ __ ] nervous and they're
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just like so yeah do you guys really
00:17:04
know what's happening and iard someone
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um have a conversation they're like no
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not really but I feel quite intimidated
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seeing 50 dildos on all these
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tables um but yeah I think and for me as
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well it's just making it fun and it's
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not serious you know you're not going to
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an actual like Workshop environment you
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kind of but it's just a sexy one where
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you're writing journal like notes and
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it's like you're in an environment where
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you can relax there is a bit of alcohol
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there to just soften the blow pun
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intended nice and um yeah I think when
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it's fun and it's like we can all laugh
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that we're in a room full of dildos
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together it just like relaxes you run
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and what like what are the key
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takeaways I can't tell you those those a
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secret again um the key secret is to
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warm up his whole body before getting to
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his
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genitals it's like so often and men do
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this for women as well you just go
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straight to the genitals straight to
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this like right let's make this happen
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or you know oh my God it's like you're
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doing an impression of
00:18:17
me no I um I heard you in a podcast
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talking about DJ Cy DJ Cy and I'm like
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oh [ __ ] that is I think I'm terrible and
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big you've done it oh really yeah I
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think so yeah anyway in what way well
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just yeah just what you were saying is
00:18:33
wrong in this podcast I listen to It's
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like oh yeah that's me You' be doing
00:18:36
that you got to slow it down so that's
00:18:38
another key takeaway for everyone in bed
00:18:41
is slowing it down no
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woman loves her clitoris djed
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on you know I'm sorry if that's what you
00:18:51
do maybe it's worked for some woman but
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I can tell you right now the majority
00:18:56
don't like speed straight way you've got
00:18:59
to warm it up I should have brought my
00:19:01
[ __ ] cushion but yeah part two part two
00:19:05
part two yeah part two so erogenous
00:19:07
zones what are his or her orous zones
00:19:11
wake all of those up first and then when
00:19:13
you are moving down towards the genitals
00:19:16
go slow start off so you know if we're
00:19:19
talking about the workshop what I teach
00:19:20
isogenous zones make sure you don't
00:19:22
forget the balls hand job lots of people
00:19:26
find hand jobs really awkward and they
00:19:27
kind of just want to get them over and
00:19:28
Dorth I talk about really beautiful
00:19:30
Strokes that you can do don't forget the
00:19:33
rare I talk about the RAR and how man's
00:19:36
um prostate is like really pleasurable
00:19:39
for him some men don't like that um and
00:19:42
then finish it off with a [ __ ] if you
00:19:44
want to finish there um so the key
00:19:47
takeaways is really like to move through
00:19:49
mapping his body before you even get to
00:19:52
the blow job right so by the time you
00:19:54
get to the [ __ ] part he's like 80% of
00:19:57
the way there yeah you only have to do
00:19:58
it for a
00:20:01
minute when
00:20:03
win female Focus lens you know what I'm
00:20:05
saying and and the um so the the dildos
00:20:08
that you've got for these things do they
00:20:09
do the customers take them home or do
00:20:11
you what do you do with them dishwasher
00:20:14
bath in the bath yeah to me to me for
00:20:17
the
00:20:18
dishwasher they all go in a bath yeah
00:20:20
I've got a huge suitcase one side is
00:20:22
filled with 50 dildos the other side is
00:20:24
filled with condoms and ribbons and lube
00:20:27
and pamplets and all the things so take
00:20:31
them home put them in the bath yeah
00:20:34
amazing cuz you're married right you're
00:20:35
married you're a partner I'm a mom yeah
00:20:37
I'm not married yeah yeah how old are
00:20:39
you 56 no how old are your kids you got
00:20:41
on my boy I've got little boy's 14
00:20:43
months right okay yeah so he's not at
00:20:45
the age yet you have to worry about the
00:20:47
the bath full of no no he doesn't know
00:20:50
yet um oh there was something else um I
00:20:52
either saw this on your Instagram or
00:20:54
maybe hear this on a podcast but um
00:20:56
you've got like a list five different
00:20:58
ways to for a hand job M five different
00:21:00
like Strokes do you mean yeah I think so
00:21:03
yeah I think what are they do you know
00:21:05
what they are off the top of your head
00:21:07
yeah we've got um You can count for me
00:21:09
so infinite penetration so that's just
00:21:12
constantly stimulating his [ __ ] right
00:21:15
it's a great one to start off with um
00:21:18
the second one is kind of ringing out
00:21:20
the towel so as you would ring out the
00:21:22
towel and for anyone who's listening use
00:21:25
Lu use Lu no one wants a dry hand job
00:21:29
Lube is key for everything every time
00:21:31
you have sex uh ringing out the towel so
00:21:33
you're going to be doing something like
00:21:34
this or if you want to go that way you
00:21:36
can go that way um you've got the bottle
00:21:39
top so it's two fingers holding at the
00:21:42
base you want to pull down his fores
00:21:43
skin hold it the base of his penis and
00:21:46
then kind of wrap around the
00:21:48
top um what else do we have I think
00:21:52
that's three this this is good though
00:21:54
this is great good yeah I mean you yeah
00:21:57
they're um I mean as I said I don't
00:22:00
think I'm particularly good in bed so um
00:22:02
um this is great we can work on this
00:22:04
what do you need help with I'm
00:22:05
here yeah I don't know it's probably a
00:22:07
commun communication thing mainly yes
00:22:09
yeah I'm reluctant to say what I want
00:22:12
but I I have had like previous Partners
00:22:14
I'm I'm loathed to criticize anyone else
00:22:16
because I know I'm not good myself but
00:22:17
when it comes to hand jobs you know um
00:22:19
American diners how they have those
00:22:21
glass bottles of sauce and sometimes you
00:22:23
got to like you know you got to where's
00:22:26
this even tap it to get the source
00:22:29
I feel like I've had many hand jobs from
00:22:31
different women like that
00:22:33
like I'm sitting there thinking I could
00:22:35
do this way better and way quicker
00:22:37
myself this is not enjoyable I'm in pain
00:22:40
and neglecting the balls and I'm not a
00:22:42
young man anymore so these things are
00:22:46
flying flying around like golf balls and
00:22:52
stalking just grab them from behind and
00:22:54
just get those up
00:22:56
here um well I think a love that is
00:22:59
because of porn honestly it's like I was
00:23:03
in a um at a hen party and when I was
00:23:05
talking about some of these hand job
00:23:07
techniques she was like oh my God I
00:23:09
thought you always just did this really
00:23:11
really hard to just make him blow I was
00:23:14
like in ponography that's honestly what
00:23:16
we see a lot of and so women uh
00:23:19
educating themselves through pornography
00:23:21
then going to their partners and in the
00:23:22
bedroom and doing the same and me the
00:23:24
same with woman it's like when I'm going
00:23:26
down her I thought I just had to go
00:23:29
no don't tell me you're doing that as
00:23:31
well no no um no I think think porn is
00:23:35
very dangerous though way it is um I'm I
00:23:38
suppose Lucky in in aircom is that um
00:23:41
you know I was like mid 20s I guess
00:23:42
before the internet became sort of what
00:23:44
it is what it is now so if I was lucky
00:23:47
growing up you know you might have a
00:23:48
mate that got a a penthouse or a Playboy
00:23:51
from a service station and that's all
00:23:53
you had to had to go on but the yeah the
00:23:55
porn now this is another really given my
00:23:58
limited exposure to pornography um all
00:24:02
these weird categories like there's so
00:24:03
many so many like stepsister or stepmom
00:24:07
porn it's like it's like massive and you
00:24:09
know it's not actually the step step
00:24:10
sister or the step course not but it's
00:24:12
just the fantasy idea of it right yeah
00:24:14
how is that a fantasy when did that
00:24:16
become a thing I don't know I mean I
00:24:18
yeah I feel sad for what like the
00:24:21
younger generation uh moving into with
00:24:24
what's on the internet these days is
00:24:25
kind of terrifying to be honest yeah not
00:24:29
sexy no well yeah what should parents do
00:24:32
about this I mean this is not something
00:24:34
you have to think about for I guess
00:24:35
another 10 years 12 years whatever but
00:24:38
um what should parents be doing in terms
00:24:40
of like sex education or talking to
00:24:42
their kids about this stuff yeah
00:24:43
absolutely and I think that's the
00:24:44
biggest thing is talking about it I grew
00:24:46
up in an open family and talking about
00:24:49
these things and saying hey look this is
00:24:50
out here this isn't normal this is
00:24:54
entertainment this is performance um I
00:24:57
don't think it's fair to say you
00:24:59
shouldn't watch this right because
00:25:00
naturally a kid's going to go oh well I
00:25:02
can't have that I want it now um so I
00:25:05
think communication is big and just
00:25:06
talking about what real sex is um what
00:25:09
healthy sex is big part communication
00:25:12
and yeah kind of wishing for the
00:25:15
best I appreciate that and what sort of
00:25:17
age do you think or does it vary from do
00:25:19
you know what apparently I mean I I'm
00:25:21
not there yet but apparently young boys
00:25:24
are watching porn at like 10 years old
00:25:26
10 11 these days like it's just terrify
00:25:29
I leared about sex when I was 10 because
00:25:32
my cousin told me about it and then my
00:25:34
parents brought the books out the
00:25:35
anatomy
00:25:37
books I started
00:25:40
crying did you oh God yeah cuz I was
00:25:42
just overwhelmed like an anatomy penis I
00:25:45
was like oh god what the hell is this an
00:25:48
anatomy vver and what they do that I
00:25:50
remember driving over the Harbor Bridge
00:25:52
with Mom and I was like I have a
00:25:53
question about the conversation we had
00:25:55
and I want to know how long do you have
00:25:57
sex for and she giggled and she was like
00:26:00
ah it really depends love and I was
00:26:03
confused ever
00:26:05
since depends on what how long who can
00:26:09
last or it it was still um your
00:26:11
upbringing was still better than mine in
00:26:13
that regard from memory we we just had
00:26:16
this this this this series of these big
00:26:18
sort of cartoon books like what's
00:26:20
happening to me where did I come from
00:26:22
you know do you know the books no I
00:26:24
don't they were really big in the 70s
00:26:25
and ' 80s and I I remember that that
00:26:27
just appeared on the into my bed one day
00:26:29
without any there may be some deodorant
00:26:32
there as well oh my God some links or
00:26:35
something well yeah anyone of a certain
00:26:37
age will know the books I'm talking
00:26:38
about what's happening to me where did I
00:26:40
come from and then yeah Works through
00:26:42
the Through the Ages I mean sense that
00:26:45
communication is like a hard part for
00:26:47
you in the bedroom then right if there
00:26:49
was no communication from the
00:26:52
get-go yeah but it's strange when you
00:26:55
know there's a floor there's you know
00:26:58
you could be doing better but you just
00:26:59
don't know how to start with it yes um
00:27:02
oh okay so so the opposite of a [ __ ]
00:27:05
like we we sort of touched upon this a
00:27:07
second ago like s guys going down um how
00:27:10
can we be doing better yes okay feedback
00:27:14
is your friend you know what I was
00:27:16
saying before where guys they instantly
00:27:19
uh put or just get offended when a woman
00:27:22
is trying to say hey can you slow down a
00:27:24
little bit or can you go a little bit to
00:27:25
the left or I don't actually like that
00:27:27
and they instantly take it personally
00:27:29
and think that they're not doing a good
00:27:31
job so feedback is your friend listen to
00:27:33
your woman um slow down so DJ clitty no
00:27:39
sorry you're going to have to retire
00:27:41
your deck and you're going to have to
00:27:43
come up with something else because it's
00:27:45
not working but DJ CL is actually I know
00:27:48
I was going to say he's quite good but I
00:27:49
don't think he is because he'll do like
00:27:51
a minute with this
00:27:52
hand oh my
00:27:55
God he just gets double dick and then if
00:27:58
if it goes for too long then might sigh
00:28:00
a little
00:28:03
bit well she's not going to get anywhere
00:28:06
with that the pressure okay so being
00:28:10
passive aggressive is not the way to go
00:28:12
it's not the way to go no okay so
00:28:14
feedback is your friend you want to slow
00:28:15
down let's talk about tongue techniques
00:28:17
so you want to be going wide flat tongue
00:28:21
never a pointy tongue unless she wants
00:28:23
that so I'm talking like wide flat
00:28:26
tongue nice big licks up her vver not a
00:28:30
pointy tongue absolutely not no we want
00:28:33
wide flat tongue another thing that can
00:28:35
feel really good is making an O like
00:28:37
creating pressure with your lips and an
00:28:38
O over her clitoris and sometimes you
00:28:42
can kind of even just hold your mouth
00:28:43
there and like a really gentle suck can
00:28:46
feel really nice or even using your
00:28:48
tongue to massage that so the O suction
00:28:50
with your tongue kind of massaging your
00:28:51
C can feel really nice as well thanks
00:28:54
for that yeah I think that's really
00:28:57
helpful not just for me but for a lot of
00:28:59
people I'm sure all just doubling back
00:29:01
to something you said before you said
00:29:02
like lub is is important the more lub
00:29:04
the better absolutely
00:29:08
um you I've always felt weird about lits
00:29:12
you feel like if you're doing a good
00:29:14
enough job then she will be lubricated
00:29:17
enough totally yeah but it's just not
00:29:21
always that way depending on where she
00:29:23
is at potentially even in her cycle in
00:29:25
the season of life if she's
00:29:26
breastfeeding or postpartum
00:29:28
or menopause some women don't get a
00:29:31
whole lot of arousal fluid and that
00:29:32
doesn't mean that um their partner is
00:29:35
not doing the right job um it just like
00:29:38
that's just her body and Lube is such an
00:29:41
easy way to enhance your sexual
00:29:43
experiences right as soon as you're
00:29:45
about to massage her vver or you're
00:29:48
about to um massage his [ __ ] little bit
00:29:51
of lube it just when anything's slippery
00:29:54
and slighty it starts to bring in like
00:29:55
that sensuality that excitement that
00:29:58
like oh yes things that moving here and
00:30:01
it just feels nice and nice to touch
00:30:03
nice to um
00:30:05
experience so L honestly almost every
00:30:08
single time I'm intimate I will use
00:30:11
l that's good to know how's um how's sex
00:30:15
changed for you and how's your sex life
00:30:16
changed since you've become a mom I
00:30:19
definitely don't have sex as much um I
00:30:22
never used to be a quickies girl but
00:30:24
since having a child I it's out of
00:30:27
necessity yeah yeah it's got to be done
00:30:30
it's got to be done um so yeah it's
00:30:33
changed a lot it's changed a lot but
00:30:35
also I think um it's quality over
00:30:38
quantity now and when I am intimate
00:30:42
either with myself or my partner it's
00:30:44
intentional it's great it's hot um yeah
00:30:49
I lots lots has changed how long was um
00:30:53
how long was your break like towards the
00:30:54
tail end of the pregnancy or after your
00:30:56
son came along like matern like no like
00:30:59
a dry spell oh yes yes so I didn't have
00:31:02
sex for 6 months or we didn't have sex
00:31:04
for six months so the end of
00:31:06
pregnancy um I just I didn't feel like
00:31:09
it and understandable yeah and we have
00:31:12
such amazing communication and I could
00:31:14
just tell my partner and say I'm really
00:31:16
not feeling like it like if I do I will
00:31:19
initiate and let you know like it's
00:31:20
going to be on my terms now and he's so
00:31:22
respectful and of course um that that
00:31:25
was penetrative sex there was obviously
00:31:28
a lot more like fun stuff that we could
00:31:30
do and then after birth we made an
00:31:33
intentional um pack that we're just
00:31:36
going to take sex off the table for 3
00:31:37
months while I enter motherhood and just
00:31:40
kind of like allow my body to get back
00:31:43
to well to heal but yeah exactly to heal
00:31:47
um and that was really fun and it really
00:31:49
made me realize that sex is important
00:31:51
and sex is amazing but also you can
00:31:54
still be deeply intimate with one
00:31:56
another and not be having you can still
00:31:58
have a phenomenal relationship and not
00:32:00
be having sex but it's communication
00:32:03
that keeps those lines open so there's
00:32:05
no elephant in the room of like oh god
00:32:07
well oh no what oh no he's touching
00:32:09
there he's going to want morees oh my
00:32:10
God he's tongue ciss me it's going to go
00:32:13
further you know there's none of that
00:32:15
because sex is off the table yeah yeah
00:32:17
yeah so that was so beneficial to do and
00:32:21
I honestly I [ __ ] loved it I loved it
00:32:24
I coined the term sexual rest someone's
00:32:26
like oh yep sexual restr I'm I'm off the
00:32:29
next six months off the I'm off but um
00:32:33
it was amazing it was it was amazing I
00:32:36
loved it and it allowed us to come back
00:32:38
together and then I think when we did
00:32:39
start having sex again it was more
00:32:41
passionate and hotter because we hadn't
00:32:43
had it for so long and it was more
00:32:45
intentional well why the why the break
00:32:48
were you just tired you didn't feel sexy
00:32:50
I Was Pregnant full stop I was pregnant
00:32:54
I had no desire I lost my libido um
00:32:57
during
00:32:58
pregnancy near the end of uh pregnancy
00:33:02
and and then I was a new mom and I just
00:33:04
didn't want the pressure of sex there
00:33:09
and so just communicating about it and
00:33:12
saying no I don't want that right now
00:33:14
I'm entering a whole new chapter of my
00:33:16
life I'm learning how to be a mom my
00:33:18
body's healing I just want to take it
00:33:20
off the table and Fu so much of it's
00:33:23
about is about communication isn't it it
00:33:24
all comes down to communication was he
00:33:27
was he makking the dates on the no no no
00:33:31
18 days to
00:33:32
go um who who are your most common
00:33:35
clients like who who who comes to see
00:33:38
you is it couples that are in trouble is
00:33:41
it mainly single people that want to
00:33:43
yeah it's a split I would say a lot of
00:33:45
women who are wanting to gain their
00:33:47
confidence back um mothers who have lost
00:33:50
uh sexual desire for their Partners
00:33:52
women who are being who have been
00:33:55
married for years and years and they
00:33:58
just yeah a big part is libido and
00:34:01
sexual desire and sexual confidence and
00:34:03
woman just going I want to spice it up
00:34:05
how do I do that I've lost my confidence
00:34:07
after having a baby or I've lost my
00:34:10
confidence after this has happened in
00:34:11
our relationship so it's woman kind of
00:34:14
just wanting to get back on the horse so
00:34:16
to speak you did did you lose any of
00:34:19
your confidence after absolutely yeah
00:34:21
did you yeah absolutely there was a part
00:34:22
of me that had to like build up again it
00:34:24
was almost like especially after not
00:34:26
having sex for such a long time and
00:34:28
after going through something like birth
00:34:31
it was like oh my gosh and obviously my
00:34:33
body had changed as well so I went
00:34:35
through um lots of layers of um
00:34:40
definitely societal stuff that that
00:34:42
bounce back culture after you have a
00:34:44
baby you should be ripped and looking
00:34:46
good and ready to go and you've got to
00:34:47
get your sex life back I was like I want
00:34:49
to make sure that I don't feel any of
00:34:52
that pressure um but I I did it did I
00:34:55
think it's inevitable as a woman yeah
00:34:57
and you're this is coming from you like
00:34:59
you're well equipped with the tools you
00:35:01
knew what to expect absolutely so no
00:35:03
one's immune right no absolutely not and
00:35:05
I I think it's that's important to
00:35:07
mention just because I do have all the
00:35:08
tools it doesn't mean I'm I'm not going
00:35:10
to go through hard experiences or
00:35:12
challenging experiences yeah who who are
00:35:15
some of the more unusual couples you've
00:35:17
seen is see anything that Springs to
00:35:20
mind it depends what unusual is you know
00:35:25
I think that I think everyone has their
00:35:26
own normal yeah like their problems or
00:35:29
their objectives and you think oh that's
00:35:31
uh that's out of the ordinary I mean
00:35:33
hard a a challenging one which this is
00:35:37
not
00:35:38
abnormal is just couples having
00:35:41
differences in what they want in the
00:35:43
bedroom where it's like maybe it's a
00:35:46
kink or a fantasy or something that they
00:35:48
want to do like have a threesome or open
00:35:50
their relationship and their partner's
00:35:52
like I don't want to do that what does
00:35:55
this mean for our relationship do we
00:35:56
stay together how do we work through
00:35:59
this how do we navigate the fact that
00:36:00
one partner really wants this and one
00:36:02
doesn't so nothing like crazy um but
00:36:07
just really working on like Dynamics
00:36:09
within relationships and and yeah that's
00:36:11
it's a challenging one yeah the
00:36:13
threesome must be a are you you are you
00:36:16
sitting there thinking this is beyond my
00:36:18
pay grade you guys need like cou therapy
00:36:20
or you need a a therapist or someone who
00:36:24
like around I mean a threesome is like
00:36:27
you know you can work through that and
00:36:29
talk about people's boundaries and stuff
00:36:31
like that but if someone comes to me
00:36:32
wanting to open their relationship
00:36:34
that's not something that I'm monogamous
00:36:36
through and through that's not something
00:36:38
that I work with couples so when there's
00:36:40
something Niche like that I absolutely
00:36:42
recommend them to go to a therapist or
00:36:44
to a coach that focuses on that in your
00:36:47
opinion what makes someone good and bad
00:36:49
you know how you hear the saying good
00:36:50
and bad yeah so many things I I I keep
00:36:53
coming back to communication but if you
00:36:55
can communicate if you are good at
00:36:56
communication you're going to be good at
00:36:58
sex like hands down someone who listens
00:37:02
someone who's open to receiving feedback
00:37:04
someone who's willing to explore stay
00:37:06
curious
00:37:08
open-minded
00:37:09
um who makes their partner's pleasure a
00:37:13
[Music]
00:37:14
priority yeah I think those are the the
00:37:16
the key things God I I've got a lot of
00:37:18
work
00:37:21
on all right I need to communicate more
00:37:23
stop being so selfish okay right right
00:37:26
it seems like a lot to she comes first
00:37:28
she comes a book she comes first I think
00:37:30
it's actually for men oh really yeah
00:37:34
yeah yeah
00:37:36
but you know it takes longer for woman
00:37:39
to reach orgasm right it takes
00:37:41
approximately 30 to 40 minutes for woman
00:37:43
to reach orgasm Men 2 to three minutes
00:37:47
on average right so if you look at those
00:37:50
stats and why we have such a huge orgasm
00:37:53
gap which is in heterosexual
00:37:55
relationships men orgasming more than
00:37:58
woman we need to be focusing on the
00:38:01
female body we need to be listening to
00:38:03
our female partners and really
00:38:05
understanding what is it that turns them
00:38:06
on what is it that turns them off what
00:38:08
gets them going how can I pleasure their
00:38:10
body how do they want me to touch their
00:38:12
body they have to know this first though
00:38:14
it's not up to you or men to go I'll
00:38:18
tell you what you want they've got to do
00:38:19
their homework we've all got to do our
00:38:21
homework how how do you stop sex from
00:38:23
becoming robotic in a long-term
00:38:25
relationship spice it up go have sex in
00:38:27
another room bring some toys into it
00:38:31
um just yeah you've got to really think
00:38:34
outside the box and I think a big one is
00:38:36
talking about what turns you on and what
00:38:38
turns you off what are your fantasies
00:38:41
what are your kinks what are things that
00:38:43
excite you that you've never explored
00:38:44
before like start to incorporate some of
00:38:48
those things even if it means starting
00:38:50
sex off in a different way so the person
00:38:53
who always
00:38:54
initiates you know there's there's
00:38:55
usually a common person who always
00:38:57
initiat
00:38:58
let the other person do it and like book
00:39:01
it in so like next week I'm going to be
00:39:04
initiating sex you're not going to know
00:39:06
when it is but I'm going to be stepping
00:39:08
into that role I don't want you to
00:39:09
initiate sex next week right so this is
00:39:11
like a conversation that you have yes
00:39:13
right absolutely yeah you've got to talk
00:39:14
about it Oh that's oh the communication
00:39:16
thing again no that sounds that sounds
00:39:19
really good okay this is going to happen
00:39:21
in the next week you don't know when or
00:39:23
where yeah and even if it is it's like
00:39:25
you know a lot of couples who have been
00:39:26
married or long-term relationships it's
00:39:28
like cool we kiss you probably touch me
00:39:30
there I'll probably do that to you and
00:39:32
then we'll start uh having penetrative
00:39:34
sex and then it'll all be over in x
00:39:37
amount of minutes you know and it's like
00:39:40
it's like you've seen my
00:39:41
tape I mean I didn't want to tell you
00:39:44
but yes it's it's funny though way
00:39:46
because I it's like I you you know it
00:39:50
would make sense that in a long-term
00:39:51
relationship like you you know as you
00:39:53
get to know someone better the intimacy
00:39:54
should get better there's still
00:39:56
something quite thrilling and erating
00:39:57
about a one night stand with someone you
00:39:59
hardly even know totally but yeah like
00:40:02
in in a lot of my relationships and and
00:40:05
I'm the common thread in all these
00:40:06
things so I know I'm the problem it does
00:40:08
get to the point I don't think I'm
00:40:09
selfish so I'll always make sure she
00:40:12
comes first but then it seems it seems
00:40:14
like a formula you know you know what I
00:40:16
mean so the same positions the same
00:40:18
thing I'll make sure she sorted and then
00:40:20
it's totally but even if there is that
00:40:23
routine and I'm not saying you have to
00:40:25
change up the whole routine what could
00:40:27
you just switch up like a position or a
00:40:31
bedroom or something that you're wearing
00:40:33
or something that you're even saying
00:40:35
just to make it feel slightly different
00:40:37
or to bring in a little bit of spice
00:40:39
right variety is the spice of life bring
00:40:41
in just a little bit of variety whatever
00:40:44
that is and like something practical is
00:40:48
actually getting a piece of paper I
00:40:49
share this all the time piece of paper
00:40:51
line down the middle turn ons turn offs
00:40:53
write down your senses what turns you on
00:40:55
through sound your eyes is smelling
00:40:58
taste touch and feel and then use
00:41:00
thoughts and Imagination as well write
00:41:02
down all the things that turn you on all
00:41:04
the things that turn you off they're
00:41:05
just as important because you could be
00:41:07
in bed with somebody and something that
00:41:09
turns you off is um potentially knowing
00:41:12
that the kids are going to walk in so
00:41:14
something that could help that is
00:41:15
knowing that the door's locked so if
00:41:17
your your man is like initiating and
00:41:20
you're hooking up in the bedroom
00:41:21
whatever and you're thinking oh my God
00:41:24
the door the kids could walk in you're
00:41:25
not going to get turned on right cuz
00:41:27
your body is going and it's telling your
00:41:29
brain now's not the right time to get
00:41:31
aroused or get turned on so you're going
00:41:33
to stay at a level one right while your
00:41:35
man is like firing in an eight but if
00:41:37
that door was locked and he knew that
00:41:40
then while you're hooking out whatever
00:41:41
he pushes you up against the wall and he
00:41:43
locks the door boom you're there you can
00:41:45
be in your body you can be in the moment
00:41:47
and so when you have these sheets with
00:41:49
each other share them even that's a bit
00:41:51
of foreplay when do we ever do that this
00:41:54
is something that my partner and I did
00:41:55
after birth as well just to to kind of
00:41:57
like reconnect again and it was so hot
00:41:59
and fun to know like oh you love it when
00:42:03
this happens or you love this
00:42:04
environment or like that turns you off
00:42:06
or and it was like oh I want I want to
00:42:08
make that happen and it's same same for
00:42:11
him like he was like oh it's so cool
00:42:12
learning this about you because now I
00:42:15
know exactly what ingredients you need
00:42:18
to get in the mood God this is really
00:42:20
good stuff this could save a lot of
00:42:21
relationships yeah totally when do we
00:42:24
ever really learn about our partners in
00:42:26
this
00:42:27
you know have you ever sat down with
00:42:29
your partner and have asked them what
00:42:31
are all the things that turn you on
00:42:33
never like we just don't do it never and
00:42:36
you think about um I suppose the thing
00:42:37
that attracts people to infidelity or
00:42:40
Affairs like it's the it's the
00:42:42
exhilaration right yeah it's the the
00:42:44
naughtiness rather than just the the sex
00:42:46
so what you're suggesting is to like
00:42:49
bring this into your relationship
00:42:50
absolutely novelty like whatever that
00:42:52
looks like for you and your partnership
00:42:54
like doesn't mean that you've always had
00:42:57
this desire to have public sex well how
00:42:59
can you make that happen talk about it
00:43:01
with your partner and it doesn't
00:43:02
necessarily mean they're going to be a
00:43:04
yes you've got to respect their
00:43:05
boundaries but how could you bring in
00:43:07
novelty how could you bring in
00:43:08
excitement and passion and play because
00:43:11
I've worked with couples who have been
00:43:12
together for 10 20 years and they're
00:43:14
having the best sex of their
00:43:17
lives you know so it really is
00:43:20
about having those sometimes awkward
00:43:24
conversations to go hey I'm feeling a
00:43:26
little bit stagnant around our sex at
00:43:28
the moment and like I've been thinking I
00:43:31
would love to like go on nature walk
00:43:34
with you and have sex out of nature with
00:43:36
you like what are your thoughts on that
00:43:38
and it's reassuring them there's no
00:43:40
pressure around that it's just an idea
00:43:41
that really excites me and kind of turns
00:43:43
me on and I want to do it with you what
00:43:44
are you
00:43:45
thinking not the mil and Dr in the
00:43:47
middle of summer
00:43:49
no I mean some people what those some
00:43:52
may okay how do you um how do you
00:43:54
navigate this stuff then if one person's
00:43:56
more ous and the others say quite
00:43:59
vanilla or prudish or whatever you want
00:44:01
to call it yeah yeah yeah I think it's
00:44:03
just like how can you meet in the middle
00:44:05
you know how can the person who's very
00:44:07
adventurous not necessarily tone it down
00:44:09
but what would the first stage look like
00:44:11
for them and the person who's maybe as
00:44:13
you mentioned a little bit more vanilla
00:44:15
like what would it look to go to level
00:44:17
one for you just spice things up a
00:44:19
little bit and you really the intention
00:44:22
is like you're doing it to connect with
00:44:25
your partner deeper you're doing it to
00:44:27
experience more pleasure you're doing it
00:44:29
to have more fun you're not doing it
00:44:31
because you're lacking something or
00:44:33
because it's not good enough you know
00:44:34
it's just like a different energy if
00:44:36
it's like babe I'm I've been thinking
00:44:38
about this you know I don't know sex out
00:44:41
in public again and like it really
00:44:42
excites me and I just imagining you and
00:44:45
me doing that like I just feel so turned
00:44:47
on and I want to make it happen with you
00:44:49
what are your thoughts on this again
00:44:51
there's no pressure you know so it's
00:44:53
just like the way you invite your
00:44:55
partner into a bit of novelty or fun or
00:44:57
excitement is so important you want to
00:44:59
do it in a way that's inviting them in
00:45:02
not
00:45:03
like our sex life is [ __ ] and like we
00:45:06
need to change it up yeah cuz you don't
00:45:09
want to you don't want them to like
00:45:10
completely shut down I guess and yeah
00:45:13
yeah they will and be and be offended
00:45:16
how much sex is
00:45:17
normal is there such a thing yeah and
00:45:20
you know this is it's a hard question I
00:45:22
get asked this a lot um there was a
00:45:24
study done recently where commonly it
00:45:28
was around three times a month but I'm
00:45:31
always really careful with that because
00:45:33
depending on what season of life you're
00:45:35
in for me example being postpartum I was
00:45:37
having no sex for many months that was
00:45:40
normal for me in that season of my life
00:45:42
so even when I say that number anyone
00:45:44
who's listening and maybe you have sex
00:45:46
once a month and that feels normal for
00:45:48
you and your relationship all good great
00:45:51
normalize that celebrate it if you're
00:45:53
someone who is like I want to be having
00:45:55
more sex you've got to have a
00:45:56
conversation with your partner how can
00:45:58
you invite them into having more sex
00:46:00
what does that look like for you so yeah
00:46:03
around yeah I think um your comparison's
00:46:06
a very dangerous thing eh so you go to a
00:46:09
barbecue with some friends and then you
00:46:11
find out Cheryl and David are doing it
00:46:12
four times a week suddenly yeah I I feel
00:46:16
like and sometimes you going to be so
00:46:18
careful of those conversations cuz some
00:46:19
people aren't actually doing it at all
00:46:20
and they feel so much shame and
00:46:22
embarrassment around it that they're
00:46:23
lying to cover up the the amount of
00:46:25
Shame and weight that they that they've
00:46:28
in a sexless relationship or marriage so
00:46:31
comparison yeah ditch it well then I
00:46:35
suppose this leads on from that how do
00:46:36
you how do couples deal with um or
00:46:38
navigate like a mismatched sex
00:46:41
drive this is a really common one yeah
00:46:44
great question
00:46:46
um the first thing you know what I'm
00:46:49
going to say is
00:46:51
communication the person who let's say
00:46:54
for an example there's a couple and one
00:46:56
and the guy for example says I want to
00:46:59
have sex uh 10 times a month and the uh
00:47:03
woman says well I only feel like it two
00:47:05
times a month how can you meet in the
00:47:08
middle so again it's kind of like your
00:47:10
kinks and Fantasies right and you come
00:47:13
up with whatever that looks like like I
00:47:15
okay I could feel comfortable doing it
00:47:17
four times a month that 10 that doesn't
00:47:19
feel like a yes for me it creates a lot
00:47:21
of pressure and stress four I can I can
00:47:24
manage that now the person who has the
00:47:26
highest sex I was going well I still
00:47:28
need it 10 times a month they need to
00:47:31
cultivate a self-pleasure practice
00:47:33
that's something that they need to do to
00:47:36
be able to I don't know scratch that
00:47:38
itch or whatever but it's up to them to
00:47:41
be able to cultivate that you can't
00:47:43
force your partner to go well you need
00:47:45
to be putting out 10 times a month you
00:47:46
know oh by the way can I just
00:47:48
congratulate you you just made um
00:47:50
jacking off sound very
00:47:52
sexy cultivating go go for a shower and
00:47:55
have a wank what did you call it
00:47:57
cultivating a self pleasure practice oh
00:47:59
my God that's amazing yeah yeah and and
00:48:03
um the there is the some sort of
00:48:06
societal perception that guys always
00:48:08
want it more than more than women true
00:48:11
no no lots of women I've worked with
00:48:13
multiple clients where women want it
00:48:16
more than their Partners I
00:48:18
mean yeah it it definitely is more
00:48:21
common that men do want it more
00:48:23
especially for mothers as well mothers
00:48:25
who are kind of Tapped Out tired not
00:48:27
necessarily wanting it as much but I've
00:48:30
absolutely worked with women who are in
00:48:32
the exact uh opposite
00:48:35
position and back to the thing you were
00:48:38
saying about cultivating a self-pleasure
00:48:40
practice practice um should that be a
00:48:43
secretive thing or should that be no
00:48:45
communication I think that's what makes
00:48:48
you know when you have secret wanks or
00:48:50
whatever it's like that's what creates
00:48:52
shame and like oh God I hope they don't
00:48:55
catch me I've got to do this danger wi
00:48:57
yeah danger W is that fun is it I've
00:49:00
never done one of
00:49:02
those so how do you mean you should be
00:49:04
open about it she be like okay I'm going
00:49:06
to take my phone now to the toilet and
00:49:09
well I mean do I wouldn't necessarily
00:49:12
like say I'm going to go have a wank now
00:49:15
like are you all good with that you know
00:49:18
you've already had the conversation and
00:49:19
you've agreed okay cool like we can have
00:49:22
sex four times a month and I know that
00:49:24
you're going to be self-pleasuring and
00:49:25
I'm completely okay with that because I
00:49:27
want your needs to get met so whether
00:49:30
you communicate afterwards it's up to
00:49:31
you to navigate if you want to talk
00:49:33
about it every time you have a wank or
00:49:34
your self-pleasure totally fine but I
00:49:36
don't feel like you need
00:49:38
to explicitly tell your partner I'm
00:49:41
going for a wank and is like okay we've
00:49:43
done it four times this month I'm ready
00:49:45
for I'm just giving you the ride of
00:49:48
refusal is there too much communication
00:49:51
yeah yeah I think we need to pull back
00:49:53
there um does does uh penis size matter
00:49:56
no no no I don't think it does
00:50:00
um and if it isn't hitting the right
00:50:04
spots you can change positions and there
00:50:06
are toys that can help with this as well
00:50:09
positions [ __ ] rings um additional
00:50:14
things that you can add to it but
00:50:18
no why did it become such a such a big
00:50:21
thing like guys like to gloat about the
00:50:22
penis size if a girl has a bad breakup
00:50:25
like she'll say oh you had a tiny
00:50:27
I know I think it's ridiculous I think
00:50:29
honestly pornography it comes back down
00:50:30
to pornography and even with woman it's
00:50:33
like oh she's got big breasts you know
00:50:34
it's seen as like a valuable thing just
00:50:37
like yeah it's like a big [ __ ] it's like
00:50:39
yeah it's not necessarily a great thing
00:50:42
you know I've I've met dudes who have
00:50:44
big penises and they're like it's [ __ ] I
00:50:47
can't even fit it all the way
00:50:50
in there's a guy on only fans called the
00:50:53
girth master I think he's he's making
00:50:55
like quar of a million bucks no I know
00:50:58
the oh my God that's crazy that's an
00:51:01
expensive [ __ ] um how can you keep that
00:51:03
initial lust alive yeah you know that
00:51:06
you know when you first meet someone and
00:51:08
you know yeah is it possible you know
00:51:11
what I mean it's like you meet someone
00:51:12
and maybe you date each other for
00:51:14
however long and then then you have sex
00:51:15
and you wake up in the that first night
00:51:18
and you have sex with each other and
00:51:19
then you have sex again in the morning
00:51:21
yeah yeah totally is is it just is it
00:51:23
impossible to keep that alive is that
00:51:25
just a chemical thing that disappears no
00:51:27
no no no I absolutely well I it's I
00:51:29
think it changes from lust into like
00:51:31
deep love and passion right when you get
00:51:34
to really know your partner there's more
00:51:37
love there so it are you wanting to keep
00:51:40
the lust alive I don't know that's not
00:51:41
something that I focus on keeping lust
00:51:43
alive it's more like how can we keep the
00:51:45
passion alive and the passion comes from
00:51:48
listening to each other exploring each
00:51:50
other staying open-minded with each
00:51:52
other trying new things right when you
00:51:54
learn it's together that's where it
00:51:55
creates that bonding in connection with
00:51:57
one another so yeah I would focus more
00:52:00
on like keeping the passion alive and
00:52:01
that's like being new bees at new things
00:52:03
together in the
00:52:06
bedroom God you're so good at the say
00:52:08
like I feel like you've got like a like
00:52:10
an awesome answer for any of these
00:52:12
questions I mean I'm just yeah I'm just
00:52:15
trying my best so so before you you you
00:52:19
you you know um dug your hson and got
00:52:21
really into this as like an occupation
00:52:23
um you were just a regular girl in her
00:52:24
20s just yeah mindly working your way
00:52:28
through life yeah yeah I was on super
00:52:30
arts and in a relationship just doing a
00:52:35
thing not really sure well I started off
00:52:37
as a yoga teacher actually before I went
00:52:39
to Super yachs I did a yoga training and
00:52:42
that was kind of like yeah that's what
00:52:45
allowed me to understand the body a bit
00:52:47
more cuz before that I was definitely I
00:52:49
partti a lot I drunk a lot I did lots of
00:52:52
drugs um and it was very unfulfilling
00:52:56
H yeah it brings you pleasure until it
00:52:58
doesn't anymore doesn't it it it's
00:53:00
temporary pleasure yeah yeah day yeah it
00:53:03
is it literally is um how do I know if
00:53:05
I'm a sex
00:53:08
addict gosh that's a very um complex
00:53:12
question I feel like you would need to
00:53:15
really unpack because someone could say
00:53:18
um I I love having sex every single day
00:53:22
it doesn't make you a sex addict you
00:53:24
know so it's almost like what are you
00:53:26
addict
00:53:27
to around sex yeah I feel like it can be
00:53:30
a cop out answer um for people that get
00:53:32
caught having an affair
00:53:34
right yes true yeah I didn't see that um
00:53:38
my partner is fixated on anal but I'm
00:53:40
not really Keen at with having his D and
00:53:43
my and my B any thoughts on this D and
00:53:46
my B well you that's absolutely fine you
00:53:48
don't have to be you know and it's like
00:53:51
being whoever you are is saying like
00:53:53
that's just not something I'm into and
00:53:55
again we always come back to respecting
00:53:57
our partner's sexual boundaries and
00:53:58
being completely okay with that like why
00:54:01
would you want to do something that your
00:54:02
partner's like that actually doesn't
00:54:03
feel good for me you know like that's
00:54:06
not going to bring you 100% pleasure
00:54:08
knowing that your partner doesn't
00:54:09
actually enjoy it enjoy it so for the
00:54:12
receiver be completely okay it's totally
00:54:15
fine you've got other holes to play with
00:54:18
explore those and yeah and but if you
00:54:21
ask somebody like if the question if she
00:54:23
wants to like it which she kind of
00:54:26
wasn't the question start off slow
00:54:28
create an environment that feels
00:54:30
relaxing for you explore like ask your
00:54:32
partner just to explore like fingers
00:54:34
around uh your anus creating like just
00:54:38
that connection around it without
00:54:39
anything being inserted um I don't know
00:54:43
if this is in a heterosexual
00:54:44
relationship but a lot of women things
00:54:46
have just been in inserted inside us um
00:54:51
forcefully or without um kind of any
00:54:54
boundaries or permission it's just kind
00:54:57
of like okay I'm going to insert it and
00:54:58
put it in so I think for a lot of women
00:55:01
we tend to close up around that area so
00:55:03
especially around um the anus as well
00:55:07
create a space that feels relaxing and
00:55:09
safe and just ask your partner lots of
00:55:11
lube to just start exploring it with
00:55:13
hands and communicate how does that feel
00:55:15
well that feels like a little bit weird
00:55:16
still or can you press a little bit
00:55:18
harder I'm just going to breathe a
00:55:19
little bit more bringing some Blended
00:55:21
pleasure around her clitoris so that's
00:55:23
not just focusing on her anus um and
00:55:26
then just to see how you go with that
00:55:27
and if you're still a no totally okay oh
00:55:30
you from other podcasts I've H you on
00:55:32
you're really big about butt stuff for
00:55:33
dudes right yeah absolutely it's where
00:55:36
your prostate lives for it's which is a
00:55:38
similar like it's where our our G-spot
00:55:40
lives in the upper wall of our vagina
00:55:42
you're like G Spot P Spot lives in
00:55:44
Uranus absolutely there is so much shame
00:55:48
and taboo around but play for men and
00:55:50
I'm like you are missing out if you
00:55:52
aren't slipping something up there
00:55:57
my my SP to just sort of clinches
00:56:02
up anytime like I I can feel like a a
00:56:05
finger around there it's like it just
00:56:06
like clenches up like a Venus fly twist
00:56:08
or
00:56:09
something I don't know I where is it how
00:56:13
far in is it is it sort of on the other
00:56:14
side of the perum towards your um
00:56:17
bladder
00:56:18
okay so I mean and look some people
00:56:22
don't like stuff around their butt feels
00:56:24
too tickly or it's just like it feels
00:56:26
like they're going to poo all the time
00:56:27
and they don't like it but
00:56:29
maybe you can
00:56:32
laugh um maybe it's just communicating
00:56:36
with your partner and like setting the
00:56:38
scene for butt stuff lots of lube always
00:56:41
lots of lube starting with a finger and
00:56:43
then maybe you bring in a little butt
00:56:46
plug just a little butt plug just a
00:56:49
tinty the smallest one imaginable um I
00:56:53
love my wife more than anything but I
00:56:55
just don't feel as sexually attracted to
00:56:57
her as I used to I know this is a me
00:56:59
problem but any tips to get over
00:57:01
it these are these are Instagram
00:57:03
questions it's very hard e with just the
00:57:05
yeah it is the Su and also I don't know
00:57:08
if it's about getting over it it's
00:57:10
communicating and sharing like
00:57:13
understanding yourself what's going on
00:57:14
here is has the dynamic in your
00:57:17
relationship changed to some degree I
00:57:19
love talking about polarity which is
00:57:21
like feminine energy and masculine
00:57:23
energy and relationship and we all have
00:57:24
these you have feminine masculine energy
00:57:26
I do too but sometimes that polarity is
00:57:28
shifted where if you're both in your
00:57:31
feminine energy and I can talk about
00:57:32
this in another way like leading and
00:57:34
following if you're both trying to lead
00:57:37
it's not going to create polarity or
00:57:38
attraction right it's like no come this
00:57:40
way no come this way follow me do as I
00:57:41
say and you're both doing that no
00:57:44
attraction you've got to have a leader
00:57:46
and a follower in your relationship
00:57:47
right someone's sitting back and saying
00:57:49
I trust you to lead I trust you to make
00:57:51
the decisions for our family and I I
00:57:54
trust you to lead
00:57:56
creates attraction so yeah look into
00:57:59
that what's happening in your dynamic in
00:58:01
your relationship are you communicating
00:58:03
and what is that energy Dynamic are you
00:58:05
both trying to leave are you both trying
00:58:07
to follow no you go no you go no you go
00:58:11
and it's just like there's no there's
00:58:12
going to be no attraction there you've
00:58:13
got to create that thing whatever the
00:58:16
fetish is and like it kind of blew my
00:58:18
mind like what are your thoughts on that
00:58:21
so you're taking yourself out of the
00:58:22
picture and actually just saying like oh
00:58:25
I read this thing here I saw that there
00:58:27
what are your thoughts on that and then
00:58:28
from there you can kind of gauge if
00:58:30
they're like Jesus what the [ __ ] yeah
00:58:33
yeah that's what I was thinking too then
00:58:35
you know maybe you can like yeah gross
00:58:39
ining another lady why would we want to
00:58:41
do that I would never do that either
00:58:44
it's disgusting how many people do you
00:58:46
need I'll put this boner back down
00:58:48
then oh that's a good way to go about it
00:58:50
just tasting the waters yeah tasting the
00:58:52
waters and then if they're like oh
00:58:53
that's kind of interesting or I find it
00:58:55
curious then maybe she like yeah
00:58:57
actually something in my body started
00:58:59
moving within me and I kind of feel felt
00:59:01
a little bit aroused around it like
00:59:03
would you ever want to explore that with
00:59:05
me or try that with me and I think it's
00:59:07
really important when we're talking
00:59:08
about our fetishes our Kinks our
00:59:10
fantasies it's a really [ __ ]
00:59:12
vulnerable conversation to have like
00:59:14
some people are so fearful and will take
00:59:18
their fetishes and The Kinks and the
00:59:19
fantasies to their grave because they
00:59:21
are so scared of being judged or shamed
00:59:23
or even their Partners leaving them or
00:59:25
seeing In a Different Light it's like oh
00:59:27
my God now they're going to know that I
00:59:29
like um being uh tied up and like
00:59:33
whipped viciously you know so I think um
00:59:38
when you have someone coming to you like
00:59:40
the receiver of someone telling you
00:59:41
about the K fantasy just know that it
00:59:44
may have taken them a whole lot to come
00:59:46
and share that with you and to not judge
00:59:48
them and even saying like thank you so
00:59:50
much for sharing that with me that feels
00:59:52
like really exciting or being honest and
00:59:54
saying like wow that feels feels like a
00:59:57
little bit U nerve-wracking for me or I
00:59:59
feel like I just need a couple of days
01:00:01
to sit with this so so key to have that
01:00:05
uh safe space to talk about these things
01:00:08
oh that's great that's really cool uh my
01:00:11
partner always finishes really quickly
01:00:13
often this is incredibly frustrating how
01:00:15
can I introduce him to edging what's
01:00:17
edging oh yeah edging edging okay so
01:00:20
edging is something say on a scale of 0
01:00:22
to 10 when we're talking about edging
01:00:25
you want to hang around and eight so
01:00:26
nine is like you're you're too far gone
01:00:29
you're about there 10 is like you're
01:00:30
blowing right so we want to hang around
01:00:32
that eight bit now what happens with
01:00:35
edging is we build somebody up so
01:00:38
building up um our partners through
01:00:40
foreplay whatever it is and you're going
01:00:43
to say you're actually going to
01:00:44
communicate and say babe I'm at a seven
01:00:46
or an eight and so you know call they at
01:00:48
an eight I need to slow this down so if
01:00:50
you're doing something an intense move
01:00:52
that you know builds them up really
01:00:54
quickly or gets them aroused see little
01:00:56
grin
01:00:58
um I'm I'm just um I'm probably
01:01:01
projecting here but if I'm night I'm
01:01:03
like no no no no there's no there's no
01:01:05
turning down right s
01:01:08
seven8 89 oh
01:01:10
[Laughter]
01:01:14
God too late next
01:01:17
time so yeah you want to hang around
01:01:20
that eight so it's so easy to
01:01:23
communicate babe where you at
01:01:26
uh I'm at a seven cool I'm going to like
01:01:28
start giving you a hand job and maybe
01:01:30
I'll move to just like massaging your
01:01:32
inner thighs or a bit of ball play or
01:01:34
kissing you or maybe it switches to you
01:01:37
pleasuring me now right and so you're
01:01:39
you're talking to each other which is
01:01:41
such an easy quick way to understand
01:01:43
where each other are at so you know
01:01:45
who's pleasuring who and what you need
01:01:46
to do so that you can both come
01:01:49
together literally yeah
01:01:52
absolutely I'm very much intended uh I
01:01:55
love sex but I'm extremely
01:01:56
self-conscious about how I look naked
01:01:58
any tips for getting over this yeah
01:02:00
you've got to create a relationship with
01:02:01
your body you've got to get over that
01:02:04
what pressure are you holding around
01:02:06
yourself what are you meaning your body
01:02:09
means you know what are you
01:02:12
um yeah I think a big thing and I'm
01:02:15
going to maybe assume this is female I'm
01:02:17
not sure but you've got to start loving
01:02:20
your body because it's it's literally
01:02:23
inhibiting your sex life right it's
01:02:25
going to inhibit the type of uh sex
01:02:28
you're having the positions that you're
01:02:30
in you've got to get in front of the
01:02:31
mirror and well this this is what I
01:02:34
share with my clients anyway massage
01:02:36
your body say affirmations to your body
01:02:38
move your body so that you actually feel
01:02:40
good get blood flowing through your body
01:02:42
eat good food you know all those things
01:02:44
that you do to feel good in your body
01:02:46
you got to be doing that and then yeah
01:02:49
cultivate a relationship to your body
01:02:51
got anyone that's listening to this that
01:02:53
knew you during your party girl era
01:02:54
they'll be like who is the eat good food
01:02:57
get some sleep hydrate your
01:03:01
skin yeah no she's dead that
01:03:04
one um I feel a sense of guilt after I
01:03:07
masturbate is this normal absolutely and
01:03:09
a lot of people who watch porn and
01:03:12
masturbate will feel guilty after that
01:03:14
it's something that you've got to get
01:03:16
over masturbation is actually super
01:03:19
normal and healthy and common you know
01:03:22
it's a way of caring for your body and
01:03:24
your pleasure so maybe instead of
01:03:26
self-pleasure it's almost
01:03:28
selfcare so yeah and unless of course
01:03:30
you're doing it in Bunnings then you
01:03:32
should feel good what the hell oh my god
01:03:35
um uh this is a very short question
01:03:38
should we schedule sex yes yeah
01:03:41
scheduling sex is great is that doesn't
01:03:43
take the any sort of romance out of it
01:03:45
it's interesting because I put a post up
01:03:46
on this the other day but you're not
01:03:48
scheduling penetration you know and
01:03:51
that's where a lot of people like oh so
01:03:52
unsexy like I have to be turned on I
01:03:54
have to be ready to go
01:03:56
I have to be like ready for sex what
01:03:59
about if you're just scheduling
01:04:00
connection what about if you're just
01:04:02
scheduling intimacy right as busy people
01:04:05
who many of us are time poor and if your
01:04:07
parents you'll understand this as well
01:04:10
sometimes you need to schedule in those
01:04:11
moments of just being with one another
01:04:13
and connecting with one another maybe
01:04:15
you're scheduling in a 10 minute or 15
01:04:17
minute giving and receiving and then
01:04:19
just seeing where it leads to but
01:04:21
absolutely I think nowadays scheduling
01:04:22
sex is so important otherwise it never
01:04:24
happens
01:04:26
yeah that's an interesting way of
01:04:27
looking at it because I suppose um I'm
01:04:29
probably guilty of this as well like
01:04:30
when you think about sex you do think
01:04:32
about orgasms or ption yes yeah you do
01:04:35
of course yeah and so I mean for some
01:04:39
people I I believe that you can make it
01:04:41
sexy you can make it hot you can build
01:04:43
it up during the day being like I can't
01:04:45
wait to give you a full body massage I
01:04:49
can't wait to suck your dot dot dot you
01:04:52
know you can build it up and create like
01:04:54
sex doesn't just happen in in the
01:04:55
bedroom sex happens out of the bedroom
01:04:57
we can build it up to be an amazing
01:04:59
experience in the bedroom and the key to
01:05:01
that is doing it outside of the bedroom
01:05:03
right so like three play yes three play
01:05:08
love it it's that right it makes it
01:05:11
makes so much sense so you're just
01:05:12
creating a sort of hype especially for a
01:05:14
woman's body who is very much like most
01:05:18
women need heart connection right and I
01:05:21
I put up a post uh last year it went
01:05:24
viral and it was and it said open her
01:05:27
heart before you open her legs right I
01:05:29
want to feel love trust and safety and
01:05:31
when I feel that in my body my body's
01:05:33
and my nervous system is able to relax
01:05:36
and open to you the situation the
01:05:38
experience the energy that's here if I
01:05:41
know that it's just like right we're
01:05:43
here for business let's just get
01:05:44
straight down into this there's no
01:05:45
emotional
01:05:47
connection potentially won't even reach
01:05:49
an orgasm it'll feel very um what's the
01:05:52
word where it's just like a transaction
01:05:54
M so so building it up outside of the
01:05:57
bedroom is what like creates really hot
01:06:00
fiery sex in the bedroom oh I love that
01:06:03
that's great what are your thoughts on
01:06:06
online sex like over FaceTime for
01:06:08
example great hot if you're in a
01:06:10
long-distance relationship absolutely
01:06:12
most of my relationships have been long
01:06:14
distance and I can tell you I've been
01:06:16
definitely doing some of
01:06:19
that uh my partner was a total freck
01:06:22
when we met now she calls me disgusting
01:06:24
if I suggest something we used to do
01:06:26
like six on a beach for example M
01:06:29
conversation yeah why is that why why
01:06:32
does that gross you out now or why do
01:06:34
you call me a freak now when this is
01:06:37
something that we used to share together
01:06:38
like tell me about that you know be
01:06:41
interested in why what what's shifted
01:06:43
her experience because that could bring
01:06:45
a bit more compassion to the situation
01:06:47
as well and help you better understand
01:06:48
oh it's because that time when this
01:06:51
happened it made her feel like this dot
01:06:53
dot dot and now she's shut down to it
01:06:55
when you understand a situation you're
01:06:57
easy to you're easily able to unpack it
01:07:00
and then maybe explore it
01:07:02
again [ __ ] this is insightful it's so
01:07:05
much of it is um is from the neck app eh
01:07:08
absolutely oh my God our brain is our
01:07:10
biggest sexual
01:07:11
organ that's crazy um lately we have
01:07:15
been really tired just um with General
01:07:18
adulting we are currently on a 10e dry
01:07:20
spell should we be worried about the
01:07:21
health of our relationship absolutely
01:07:23
not no simple answer absolutely not sex
01:07:27
and I said this before but sex doesn't
01:07:29
mean that you've got a healthy
01:07:31
relationship if you're doing if you're
01:07:32
having sex five times a week that
01:07:34
doesn't mean you've got a great
01:07:35
relationship absolutely not I didn't
01:07:38
have sex for six months I had a
01:07:39
phenomenal
01:07:40
relationship sometimes you're just in
01:07:42
these seasons of life where you go
01:07:43
through dry spells it's being able to
01:07:45
get out of the dry spell that's the key
01:07:48
right which is like bringing in some
01:07:50
excitement honestly scheduling intimacy
01:07:52
and starting with intimacy and
01:07:53
connection rather than sex a lot of
01:07:56
people who don't have sex go oh my God
01:07:58
okay [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] we've got to have
01:08:00
sex we've got to have sex it's like no
01:08:02
just start level one what's that
01:08:04
intimacy let's start connecting with
01:08:06
each other's desires and bodies again do
01:08:08
do the turn on and off um practice
01:08:11
that's a great way to get things going
01:08:12
where you're not actually naked and
01:08:14
being like all
01:08:15
right let's do it what's what's that
01:08:18
what's the turn on turnoff practice the
01:08:19
sheet that get a piece of paper line
01:08:21
down the middle turn on turn off you a
01:08:24
for bit of paper yeah that's bloody
01:08:26
great bit of homework and quite fun
01:08:27
doing it with your partner um yeah this
01:08:30
one's very similar to that last one how
01:08:31
can we get out of our dry spell without
01:08:33
adding extra pressure I think intimacy
01:08:36
coming back to and it's like having a
01:08:38
conversation around and and just
01:08:40
acknowledging like babe I'd love to have
01:08:43
a little chat have it outside of the
01:08:45
bedroom maybe even go to the beach or
01:08:47
get a little coffee or go for a walk
01:08:48
where you're not necessarily like
01:08:49
looking at each other in the eyes like
01:08:51
where you're driving or whatever and
01:08:54
just acknowledge it have a conversation
01:08:56
about it and then both think of an idea
01:08:57
of like what would feel fun right rather
01:09:00
than a a chore or a job what would feel
01:09:03
fun to kind of get the wheels of motion
01:09:05
again and even thinking yourself like or
01:09:08
even saying hey we're going to go have a
01:09:09
talk about you know our relationship
01:09:12
let's both bring an idea that we want to
01:09:14
like um how we can get things started
01:09:16
again and then sharing with one
01:09:18
another this is all great stuff I I feel
01:09:21
both both um people in any partnership
01:09:23
need to be on the same page if someone's
01:09:24
defensive a then it's over right it's
01:09:27
literally going to get nowhere and
01:09:30
defensive it just it really so un sexy
01:09:33
as well yeah and it's just really hard
01:09:35
you know if you want things to be moving
01:09:38
you've got to nourish your own [ __ ] you
01:09:41
know if if I'm having conversation with
01:09:43
my partner and he says something to me
01:09:46
and I can feel that trigger in my body
01:09:48
it's so important for me just to have
01:09:49
two feet Earth down on the ground and
01:09:51
take a breath and even just
01:09:52
acknowledging like oh it kind of like
01:09:56
hit me in the heart I'm just going to
01:09:57
take a moment cuz I don't want to react
01:09:59
right now and I'm just going to like
01:10:01
figure out what to say and maybe you
01:10:03
even go I just need five minutes I'm
01:10:05
just going to walk outside and take a
01:10:06
minute but that way it's like oh my
01:10:09
partner knows that what they said is
01:10:11
triggered me in a certain way they're
01:10:13
resourcing self- resourcing I'm just
01:10:16
going to like give them that space
01:10:17
rather than like come on answer or like
01:10:20
why have you gone you know it's like
01:10:21
hold the container hold the space for
01:10:23
those kind of conversations m
01:10:26
why is so much pressure put on sex and
01:10:28
marriage and is it actually a failure
01:10:30
when it waines no it's not a failure no
01:10:34
um I think there's so much pressure
01:10:35
because we we have got this idea that
01:10:38
sex means good relationship sex means
01:10:42
healthy marriage and for some people it
01:10:45
is a big thread that keeps things going
01:10:47
and and it does create connection but
01:10:49
it's not the be all and all you know so
01:10:52
I think yeah there's just a societal
01:10:54
pressure that we put on sex yeah it's
01:10:57
like the comparison thing we were
01:10:58
talking about before you can't you can't
01:11:00
help but do it yeah um any tips for
01:11:03
balancing the the mundaneness of life
01:11:06
with the need for eroticism and a
01:11:07
long-term relationship W this is a good
01:11:10
question can you say that again no I
01:11:13
can't any tips for balancing the man
01:11:16
mundaneness of life with the need for a
01:11:19
rotic ISM in a long-term relationship I
01:11:21
feel like you need to talk about it and
01:11:22
book it in and like think about what are
01:11:25
some of of those things that brings
01:11:26
Aeros into your life and your
01:11:28
relationship you know is it is it
01:11:30
accessories is it an experience is it a
01:11:33
location and it's so important as well
01:11:35
we can bring AOS into our every single
01:11:37
day we can bring bring pleasure into our
01:11:39
every single day but it's our awareness
01:11:41
that does that so for maybe one person
01:11:44
what brings me um AOS in my everyday
01:11:48
maybe it's just having a slow shower and
01:11:50
moisturizing my body and tuning into
01:11:52
like AOS within my body maybe it's
01:11:55
creating a ritual uh with my partner and
01:11:58
and calling in erotic energy together
01:12:00
through a certain practice like orgasmic
01:12:02
breathwork or like [ __ ] massage or [ __ ]
01:12:06
massage or like I mean there's so many
01:12:08
things I think getting into Tantra which
01:12:10
is something that I studied that will
01:12:12
help you really activate more AOS in
01:12:15
your relationship is is Tantra on the
01:12:18
same page as aging or no is it
01:12:20
completely different no Tantra is a a
01:12:22
practice it's a um it's a
01:12:26
um way of kind of looking at sex well
01:12:30
neotantra is yes it's like in the
01:12:32
Buddhist
01:12:34
tradition oh so I think of Tantra six is
01:12:37
that the same thing or different yeah
01:12:39
exactly exactly that's neotantra
01:12:41
classical chantra doesn't even involve
01:12:43
sex so yeah um I've never had an orgasm
01:12:46
I lied to my partner because it would
01:12:48
devastate him what's wrong with me oh
01:12:50
nothing is wrong with you and I think
01:12:52
you've got to tell your partner you know
01:12:54
and just say look I and maybe you don't
01:12:57
tell your partner I've been faking it
01:12:59
all along but I think you know maybe you
01:13:01
don't need to go there but save that one
01:13:04
until you have a really big
01:13:07
argument no um no I think it's
01:13:09
communicating you've got to figure out
01:13:12
your uh needs wants and Desires in
01:13:15
relationship a lot of the time when
01:13:16
people aren't orgasming women it's like
01:13:20
they don't even know what turns them on
01:13:21
they don't even know what touches like
01:13:23
you've got to start touching yourself
01:13:24
you've got got to start self-pleasuring
01:13:26
and learning what gets you going and
01:13:28
then showing your partner or telling
01:13:30
your partner grab their hand and say I
01:13:32
love it like this and then move their
01:13:33
hand in that situation communicate with
01:13:36
them and say like I need more or I need
01:13:39
less or can you go
01:13:41
slower it's so important during sex
01:13:45
communication because literally you have
01:13:47
the power to to allow yourself to orgasm
01:13:51
it's through your
01:13:52
voice yeah that's a big step into
01:13:55
vulnerability I guess for a whole lot of
01:13:57
people which is scary it is and there's
01:13:59
a type of way of sexual communication
01:14:02
you know it's like you don't have to say
01:14:04
what the hell are you doing stop it or
01:14:09
like um but it's really like how can you
01:14:12
guide the energy how can you say babe I
01:14:15
love it when you slow down a little bit
01:14:17
yes oh my God that's so good like using
01:14:20
that positive reinforcement and
01:14:23
saying just a little bit to the left
01:14:25
babe or I'm starting to feel a little
01:14:28
bit like shut down disconnected can we
01:14:30
go back to kissing or can we go back to
01:14:32
a little bit of foreplay or you know
01:14:34
it's like where do you want it to go
01:14:36
what do you need you can't just expect
01:14:39
your partner to be down there or up
01:14:41
there whatever doing the thing and going
01:14:44
no I don't want this or I this doesn't
01:14:47
feel good you've got to be able to
01:14:49
understand what you need next and and
01:14:51
exploring that hey this has been great
01:14:54
this is this is so good like there's
01:14:56
been a lot of diverse questions here and
01:14:58
there's only there were two very
01:14:59
challenging ones that you passed on but
01:15:00
everything else I mean your answers make
01:15:03
it it it I was going to say it is simple
01:15:05
but it's it's more complex than that but
01:15:08
you do make it seem very
01:15:09
simple yeah what's the what's been the
01:15:12
biggest thing that you've learned from
01:15:14
all those answers uh probably the
01:15:16
importance of communication really
01:15:18
that's probably if I was going to write
01:15:19
one word down on a bit of paper and
01:15:21
underline it three times that would be
01:15:22
the thing yeah and communication is the
01:15:24
hard
01:15:26
M yeah yeah it's about yeah tearing your
01:15:31
walls down it is both parties yeah
01:15:33
you've got to go in with an open heart
01:15:35
and I think when we communicate with our
01:15:38
minds it it
01:15:40
gets a little bit scratchy gritty we
01:15:44
don't really know what to say and we get
01:15:46
anxious but if we communicate with our
01:15:48
hearts it's like and we really feel or
01:15:51
we share how we feel like babe I'm
01:15:53
feeling really nervous to share this
01:15:54
with you I'm feeling a little bit scared
01:15:56
to have this conversation but I want to
01:15:58
love you better I want to [ __ ] you
01:16:00
better I want to know what really gets
01:16:01
you going like I want you and us to have
01:16:04
a great sex life and I'm willing to
01:16:06
start that conversation today even
01:16:07
though my knees are shaking or I'm
01:16:09
sweating beads you know it it comes from
01:16:12
someone being vulnerable how can people
01:16:15
get hold of you what's the easiest way
01:16:17
Instagram Melissa rangie yeah or my
01:16:21
website I'm sure you'll probably link
01:16:22
those and if someone um
01:16:25
there'll be a lot of people I guess that
01:16:28
wouldn't necessarily feel comfortable
01:16:29
being in a group situation um Lots so so
01:16:32
as is it one-on-one or you do couples or
01:16:34
a bit of everything uh I don't work with
01:16:36
couples I work with women in
01:16:37
relationship but yeah one-on-one
01:16:39
coaching with women single Solo in
01:16:41
relationships and marriages um I have
01:16:44
online programs I have inperson
01:16:46
workshops I have master classes online
01:16:49
um yeah and when's the next um BJ like a
01:16:53
boss are you going weekend
01:16:55
right so we're recording this at the
01:16:57
beginning of May so that's next weekend
01:16:59
yes so it's the 11th of May okay so
01:17:01
you're doing these every month at the
01:17:03
moment yes yeah yeah yeah were you think
01:17:05
about doing more well they're just
01:17:07
selling out so fast and they are very
01:17:09
fun so we'll see at the moment I've got
01:17:12
two in ockland maybe one down in toonga
01:17:15
and then I'm flying to Sydney and
01:17:17
Melbourne to do them at the end of June
01:17:19
so we'll see cuz cuz it's it's it's a
01:17:23
fun novelty sort of thing
01:17:25
that factor but it's also a genuine
01:17:29
thing isn't it it is and I think that's
01:17:31
what makes it so great is you actually
01:17:33
learn so many things you're doing it
01:17:36
with like a whole lot of other women who
01:17:38
are in the same situation nervous scared
01:17:40
and like WTF yeah awkward it's awward it
01:17:44
is it is but after a couple of glasses
01:17:47
of prco you know it's like what the hell
01:17:49
a lot of women want to learn how to
01:17:51
pleasure men imagine if men could do
01:17:54
that you know like can you imagine men
01:17:56
in a room with a whole lot of
01:17:58
vvas what would we use like peaches
01:18:02
or what what would we yeah maybe orang
01:18:06
papayas yes papayas papayas
01:18:11
definitely dud walking up with sloppy
01:18:14
orange oh unreal unreal eat papaya like
01:18:17
a
01:18:18
prince I don't know that's a work one
01:18:22
what what other names did you um you
01:18:24
must have had like a brainstorm or a
01:18:26
workshop before you s on BJ like a boss
01:18:28
what was that was so my sister came up
01:18:30
with that name I can't remember what
01:18:31
other name she came up she was she's so
01:18:33
good at picking names there was
01:18:35
definitely like um give head like a
01:18:38
hero um go down like a something a
01:18:43
rather like a demon
01:18:48
yeah imagine that here I go
01:18:55
oh you little devil get down devil um no
01:18:59
that's all I can remember but BJ like a
01:19:01
boss was just like this feels fiery like
01:19:03
I love it hey well congratulations on
01:19:05
all the success you're enjoying at the
01:19:07
moment it's it's very welld deserved and
01:19:09
this has been so informative I wasn't
01:19:10
sure what to expect um I I've never done
01:19:14
anything like this on my podcast before
01:19:15
so I'm not sure how it's going to be
01:19:18
received or what sort of re I I think
01:19:19
that there's a there's a lot of people
01:19:20
that won't even listen to a a you know a
01:19:22
podcast with a six coach on because just
01:19:24
won't be their thing yeah um but anyone
01:19:26
that is um sort of on the fence that has
01:19:28
listened I'm sure they would have got
01:19:30
something out of this yeah it's been
01:19:32
really informative yeah good really good
01:19:34
stuff yeah Melissa VES thank you so much
01:19:37
thanks Tom
01:19:39
[Music]