00:00:00
So Dana's got a banana and I I guess everyone I don't know if everyone heard about this, but look at that. That's
00:00:05
what he's starting with. Is it super professional? I don't know.
00:00:11
He's still eating. He goes, "The podcast is starting. I'll start eating right
00:00:17
now." Okay. Don't make it so sick.
00:00:23
You drink water with a banana? I don't know.
00:00:28
I think you're supposed to drink Diet Coke. Uh, we did start, but we're letting him
00:00:35
go. All right, let's start recording. No, we're we started.
00:00:42
You were regurgitating your banana. Uh, good job. So, you got your potassium
00:00:47
levels up. I feel kind of amped up right now. You know that this is fun fact for you
00:00:52
because I know you're a cinnophile film buff. Yeah. Uh, Delone wanted to lower his IQ when
00:01:00
he played Rocky. So he said he made sure he got really low on potassium. He wouldn't eat any
00:01:07
bananas. And he felt that that would make and they go, "We can't understand you."
00:01:14
It's like, "Could you have half a banana and raise that IQ?" A banana.
00:01:23
Get him a banana. This is this whole take.
00:01:32
This is take one when he goes I was cut. We can't understand a word.
00:01:38
Yeah, we can't get one word. Was my hat crooked?
00:01:44
No, it's not the hat. What didn't he have a turtle named [ __ ] Dumpling or something? What was the turtle name?
00:01:50
Buttkissus. Yes, that's a fan question. Buttkiss.
00:01:55
I dumpling. I made up butt kiss. You found it. No, you eat a dumpling. Buck buck butt
00:02:00
kiss is a turtle. Hey, don't mess around with my turtle. Butt kiss. I want an Oscar.
00:02:07
Mike Tyson. What was a dog's name on the Brady Bunch? The dog's uh Buster.
00:02:14
Nope. Jan. Anyway, let's move on. That's the roughest joke. Are we going to get cancelled this soon
00:02:20
into the podcast? Are we going to get Jansled?
00:02:25
We shouldn't even go on. We just gave all their money's worth of jokes right there. Now it's just real name.
00:02:30
We went to the 70s. We went to the 70s. What?
00:02:36
God, Heather just tried to trip me up and it she fell. Heather's a chatterbox today. Yeah, she yelled out, "What's Jan's real
00:02:43
name?" No, I didn't. The dog's name. Tiger. Thank you. Oh, dog's name is Tiger.
00:02:48
How many in the Brady Bunch? How many kids? Dana, this isn't amateur hour. This
00:02:55
isn't round one of who Wants to Win a Millionaire. There's not eight.
00:03:01
Dana, you don't know. Do you ever see the Brady Bunch? It wasn't I was on my
00:03:06
radar. I was more wa What was I watching? MASH TV show sitcoms. I'd be
00:03:13
watching All in the Family. Edith Stifling.
00:03:21
I don't know what you're talking about. What about S Sandler's old joke about
00:03:27
Axel Rose turning into Edith?
00:03:36
I like that. That's funny. I love anything
00:03:41
a lot better. What are you doing,
00:03:47
boy? You wiggling me. I don't like people of color.
00:03:54
Yeah, you do that. You stifle yourself. That was it.
00:03:59
He was like Tony. You stifle yourself to stifle yourself. All right, we got to get right to this. Dana, we can't screw.
00:04:05
Let's start. Yeah, we're starting with some stories and some news.
00:04:10
AI fake stories. Okay, here's
00:04:15
this is not a dishwasher commercial. This is well I guess we're giving away a little bit of the uh ending but Red
00:04:23
Panda who Dana you know you know when there's halftime or at the quarter they
00:04:28
have people come entertain the novelty acts and jugglers and they do scary stuff.
00:04:33
Yeah. Yeah. She's one of the best. She gets on a I guess a 8ft unicycle and uh
00:04:40
juggles plates on her head. I mean that's the easiest way to say it. Oh I see. It you know. Okay. So, here
00:04:45
she is. Caution. I can do that. I could do that part. So far, I can do it. I can do it.
00:04:51
We've shown this clip. Oh, she fell. She fell that fast. That's not the hard
00:04:56
part. Well, she didn't have plates on her head. I mean, the plates feel like the hard part. Are those paper plates? Are they
00:05:01
real plates? Well, I would start with paper plates. Um, well, I feel I'm feeling a little
00:05:10
sad for her right now because she was she seemed to really on point and just
00:05:15
ready to ready to rock and I can't really I can't Can we see it one more time? That's called a non playing injury. What
00:05:21
is it called? Okay, here. She's in control. In control. In control. She does a little back and forth. Back and forth. Hello.
00:05:27
I'm red pen and tonight show. You know what? Ow. Right in her tailbone.
00:05:33
I think she's she's okay. Right. Okay. So, we think there was a moment, but she's all right. That's all right.
00:05:39
A moment where she's up there and she's just looking out, right? And then you see she looks down and
00:05:44
goes, "What the [ __ ] am I doing up here?" And then down. So, never look down, David.
00:05:50
Yeah. Maybe she saw somebody in the audience that was famous, you know?
00:05:56
Maybe not. Uh she Who's famous at a Lakers game? Everybody.
00:06:02
It wasn't a Lakers game. It's off season now. Oh, I think it was a different game I
00:06:07
saw. But Minnesota maybe, but she uh So, you got your 8ft unicycle, which you're
00:06:14
very used to. She's just doing the old back and forth, which when I rode a unicycle, that's what I start my show with. A
00:06:19
little like zip zip zip zip just to be like, I've seen it. I've seen it. Seen it a million times. And then um and
00:06:25
then she's still got to go to the dishwasher and get all the plates to throw. So, I thought it was mid plates
00:06:30
cuz that's the hard part. She throws plates up against the bowl and then the bowl lands on the bowl.
00:06:35
The cheese was plates flying all over the place. Yeah, this part wasn't the hard part is what I'm getting at. So,
00:06:41
you know, bless her heart. And everyone was like giving her like applause for Yeah. getting up and being wheelchaired off
00:06:48
because she is like legendary performer for these games.
00:06:55
Um, you know, you start out, you're probably just a little girl. you you ride a bike with two wheels and and then
00:07:00
your dad makes a one bike unicycle and you do that but it's kind of low and you're going through grade school and
00:07:06
stuff and then eventually like when you're like 18 or something you put one bowl on your head you do that for an
00:07:12
afternoon and next thing you know I mean I guess you had like she'd have like 25 plates on the unicycle and then she'd juggle
00:07:18
and eat an apple at the same time or how far did it go? It's all those things where you're like, "How did that start?" Where you put the dog's dish on your
00:07:24
head and you go, "Hey, that didn't fall off. Let me put two and you go, maybe
00:07:29
this is my calling." But I think she makes a pretty tidy living. Uh, she's famous. Yeah. Let me ask you a
00:07:36
question, please. Because we in the standup world in the early days, did you ever follow a
00:07:43
juggler? Ron Pearlman, is that his name? Yeah.
00:07:48
Yeah. a couple, you know, at the Comedy Magic Club, you would always follow a magician, which is tough, too. Uh, but
00:07:55
jugglers. Yeah, they're good. Yeah. Did you I followed Michael Davis who became
00:08:01
famous and he was he I came up and stand up with him friend of mine and he we were playing Chico and he
00:08:08
would literally escalate to the point where he'd have an apple, a bowling ball
00:08:14
and a moving chainsaw and he's going like this and eating the apple,
00:08:19
you know, and he doesn't eat the machete. He doesn't want to eat doesn't eat the machete. Yeah. Just going around. So it's unbelievable.
00:08:26
Well, the whole crowd is stunned and massive standing ovation and I'm I'm not on TV or anything. Welcome. Here is Dana
00:08:33
Glarco. I'm like, hi everybody. That was tough to follow that. Hi, I'm from San Francisco. Well, San
00:08:39
Francisco area. Why Why am I talking like that? I was kind of kind of like Gar. Hi everybody.
00:08:47
I can't juggle anything, but right now I'm going to eat an apple. I'm good too, right? But I put my hand in my pocket
00:08:54
and play pocket pool sometimes. Why? And my wiener.
00:09:00
Yep. Oh, now you're happy. Yeah. Let me see. It took us nine minutes. We got to We got Next clip.
00:09:06
Clippy. Pocket. Pocket pool is the greatest term no one uses anymore. Okay. Oh, this is sad. Um,
00:09:14
this is a guy that got scammed out of money by Jennifer Aniston. said she
00:09:20
loved him and needed cash for her Apple subscriptions. That's what she needs it
00:09:25
for. Oh, he should a quick Google will say she's worth about $200 million.
00:09:31
I know how how who do we see a picture of who believed it or is just a helmet
00:09:37
on the body? It looks like a a robot. Oh, so what Oh, what happened was
00:09:44
Okay, now listen. I know Jennifer a little bit and she has hit me up. She said for
00:09:49
money for Angry Birds because she wants more bird bombs. I'm like these aren't
00:09:54
necessities. If you need money, I'll give you money, but it's not going to be for Angry Birds or Apple subscriptions.
00:10:03
It's ridiculous. So, did he Was this just in print or was there a digital copy of a copy of Jenner
00:10:09
for Anderson? Pick an AI. Your favorite. Jennifer Anderson was
00:10:14
like, "Hello, kind sir. Please send me money so I can get Apple
00:10:22
news. Every time I click a story, it says you have to buy it." It's almost as
00:10:27
bad as Daily Mail. Well, AI is better than that. You're back at the marionette. You're like in the 1930s.
00:10:34
Hello, I'm AI. I could be a digital copy right now. Not gonna say, but it's that
00:10:40
good. Here's how good it is now. Hi, I'm Jennifer Aniston.
00:10:47
It's got a few glitches. I played Rachel. Yeah, I would like money. I need money.
00:10:54
I'm Rachel. Please, please send me so much. Send me money, please.
00:11:00
Oh, I forgot. I totally love you. [ __ ] But I have people that go please like and no joke then on Instagram or no joke
00:11:09
I do have a Facebook but the people that send in like hey you never showed up in Spokane at like
00:11:16
some restaurant we were supposed to meet at midnight on New Year's Eve and I sent you your plane fair. I did everything
00:11:22
right. What happened? I'm like why suddenly is the real guy getting it now? Complain to the fake guy. Like now s you
00:11:30
must know I'm the real guy because then you come to me is this really you on the other one saying
00:11:35
because I've been giving you money. I'm like now you ask you should have asked at the early on and I say in my bio
00:11:42
which is boring. This is the only one I have. It's real. The other ones are fake. But people still get scammed. I
00:11:48
don't know what's going on. It's only going to get worse. I mean for sure AI Amazon has more AI like people
00:11:56
working in their factory. a million of them. You know, carts that are intelligent. Uh
00:12:02
they have a million of them more than employees. Eventually, if you and I go out to dinner
00:12:08
in a given time, I'll have to really say, "Is this you or or an AI robot?" And you will say,
00:12:16
"Why are you Joda?" Cuz he's like a little robot.
00:12:21
It's me. Can't you tell? Wait a minute. The voice is off. Let's try do. God, I
00:12:28
used to be able to do with Yoda. I can't do it. Uh is no try, only do. First comes pain,
00:12:34
then comes suffering, then comes party time. Yoda told me, "First comes love, then
00:12:41
comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage." I go, "You're just reading like an old joke book.
00:12:49
First comes David and Susie sitting in a tree. K I S S I
00:12:55
Yeah, exactly. That's not Yoda said quickly. Uh, diarrhea. People
00:13:02
think it's funny, but it's really hot and runny. I go, that's not I mean, who says that? What
00:13:09
people? By the way, there was a lot of YouTube comments that thought your plant was fake behind you.
00:13:15
That's That's crazy. Why would anyone That's not AI. That's real. Yeah, that's a real
00:13:21
Look, it gives it a few flicks. Look at that. Okay. Okay. That's too much proof. Too
00:13:26
much proof. Jungles in Wit comes. Oh. Uhoh.
00:13:32
Uhoh. Sounded like Scooby. Oh boy. Oh boy. Puff Daddy.
00:13:38
Buff Daddy. Puff Daddy. Scoo got away with most of the things, but he still says they were He was What was it?
00:13:44
Transporting a prostitute. We better go, Scoob. Zoinks. He says zoinks sometimes.
00:13:51
Scooby. Yeah. He goes, uh, Shaggy goes 50 Cent calls
00:13:56
him the gay John Gotti. That's what he calls him. Is that right?
00:14:03
50 Cent's been all over him the whole trial on Instagram just busting his balls. It's amazing. Heather follows. It's
00:14:09
amazing. What? Why? Why 50 Cent? I think he doesn't like him so he just
00:14:14
trashes him. Yeah. So good. Hilarious. It's so good. It is. Sounds funny. It
00:14:21
sounds funny, but the trial, we don't really know where it's at. We just heard that
00:14:26
he's not getting bail. Is that what you heard? I don't I hope he's contrite, learns his
00:14:33
lesson, but he sent me an email from prison inviting me to a freak off in
00:14:38
about a month. So, I'm not sure he's learned his lesson. If unless it says G-rated freakoff, I'm
00:14:44
not going. But I think if you get a freakoff now, and I've said this and everyone's quoted me, if you go male or
00:14:53
female to a freakoff, because he's gonna have another, if he gets out, he'll probably have one. And then you know what you're getting. So there's no
00:15:00
arguing. There's no suing. It's like, hey, I know what I'm signing up for. We all know what they are now. So if you
00:15:06
go, might be some water sports. Stay stay away from the freak off.
00:15:13
That's all I can say. Stay away. Just go to a nice cocktail party. Casual dress
00:15:19
or derves serve or go to like a nice normal daytime freak off. Don't go to these night.
00:15:26
Okay, what else? Next story. Let's see what's going on. I have all the answers, Dana. Obviously, you hear all the answers I have.
00:15:32
You kind of do. Uh, this man swiped right two million times on Tinder in
00:15:37
five years and could only get one date. Oh, what a bummer.
00:15:42
Oh man. Why? He seems like a normal enough dude. Yeah. What was his problem? Was he
00:15:48
swiping with his ass? I mean, he looks like Bert Chryser. He looks like every guy at the airport I saw last
00:15:54
week. I mean, there's nothing wrong with this dude. And he seems like and he's a nice dude. He'll take you on a date. I'm really
00:16:01
pulling for this guy. He likes the And I Kevin Nean is happily married. I don't even know why he's doing this.
00:16:08
Does that look like Nean? That's funny. That's funny. Oh, it's not
00:16:14
even about this guy. It's about Neilan. Um, yeah. Uh, yeah. So, this man, first of all, I don't like
00:16:22
that he's counting every time he swipes. I mean, does he do it with the sticks for four
00:16:28
and the line? How long does it take to swipe two million time? I mean, I've seen videos where people
00:16:34
just go like this. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. On everyone and just see. I mean, that's not the way you're supposed to do it.
00:16:40
The first comment says, "You miss two million of the shots you don't take." That's Gretzky
00:16:46
saying that Gretzky commented that. Uh, so I've never been on Tinder. So you're
00:16:52
swiping, your picture is shown to someone, and then they either invite you, say yes or no. So one way is yes. I
00:16:58
don't know which way, but one way is yes. But the other comment was, "If I had a dollar for every girl that didn't
00:17:05
think I was attractive, they would now find me attractive cuz he'd be rich."
00:17:12
Um, that's a thinker, Dana. A lot of these comments, I just feel sorry for the younger
00:17:17
generation. I think that the the opportunity and mass online and with
00:17:22
these dating sites to get wounded and feel bad is quantum.
00:17:28
Yeah. And and when you're it's very rare I'll see a guy in a bar just walk up to a table full, hey gals. Walk up to a
00:17:35
table full of girls. How are you gals doing? They're like, huh? No way. I just want to say hi, buy a drink, hang out.
00:17:42
Can I grab a chair? Scooch in. Those days aren't over, but they're diminishing. Don't you think, Heather?
00:17:49
100%. until this last couple seasons of Love Island and guys are now going up to
00:17:55
girls in bars and saying, "Can I can I steal you?" Oh, yeah. For a chat and it's working.
00:18:01
Well, yeah, because even the Bachelor when they walk up go, "Can I steal you?"
00:18:06
And now they say, "Can I pull you for a chat?" Which is ba basically everything's based on Love Island right
00:18:11
now. So, Love Island. And I've seen those videos where they say it, but it's really tough to just talk in
00:18:18
real life. And it's easier to get rejected, you know, through texting or Instagram
00:18:25
DM or something. So, because there's no witnesses and they don't have the whole bar go, you were hitting on her and she
00:18:32
shot you down. So, that's kind of where the world's at. Um, when I was probably 19 or 20,
00:18:40
pre-standup, you know, I just went to like a place where people would dance or
00:18:45
something in music, you know, and was so terrified and finally got up the courage
00:18:51
to ask someone to dance and they're like, "No." I know. And you're like screaming jokes
00:18:57
in a bar and it's not working. You're like, "Here's Dana. If Dana was single,
00:19:02
here's what he would be today. Walk up to a girl. she's playing pinball or whatever you do in a bar. And you go, he
00:19:08
goes, "Hi. Um, I'm Dana. Are you on TV?"
00:19:13
And she goes, "No." And you go, "Oh, wait. That's me." Hi, I'm Dana. Anyway, what's the high score?
00:19:20
This would be you at a singles bar now. Um, hi. How are you? I'm David Spade.
00:19:26
Um, see, uh, I know Dana Carvey. Oh, they light up. They light up. I try all
00:19:34
these lines. Nothing. Then I go, "I guess I'm going to leave. I got to go meet Dana." Dana Carvey.
00:19:40
You mean Gar? I get more. Yeah. You know,
00:19:46
the [ __ ] And I go, "The church lady. You know about that?" The [ __ ] know about it.
00:19:52
I live. Where are you going? Why are you leaving? I'm like, "Oh, let's FaceTime Dana."
00:19:58
But for a second, like that guy, if it's real, it seems like what would what
00:20:04
would be David's makeover to him? Cuz if that's his picture, he
00:20:10
Oh, for me, don't don't women like bad boys? Even if you're not a bad boy, try to get a
00:20:15
picture where you look a little badass. Yeah. I don't know if they like trout
00:20:20
boys. Guys that are always fishing, showing their fishes. He had like a
00:20:26
fisherman's bucket hat and he's by the sea. It's a lot of me and my fish and the girl's like, I mean, great, but that's
00:20:33
not really I'll go to I'm going to try that with my wife. Hey, could I steal you?
00:20:39
Can I steal you for a second? She goes, yes, it's only me and you in the house. You're like, can I steal you and talk
00:20:45
outside for a second in private? I hate that. Hey, do you want the rest of my banana?
00:20:52
That's a good line. and you go, "Hey, do you want the rest of this banana?" I was actually on a date and it's and uh
00:21:00
this happened twice and I had ordered something and then I didn't eat a lot of
00:21:05
it and she was like, "It looks good." And I go, "Oh, do you want the rest of it?" Cuz I was done. She goes, "I don't
00:21:11
want the rest of anything. I'll get a new one." I was like,
00:21:16
"She's a keeper, man." I was like, "You're not a keeper. You're a loser. I'm gonna lose you right now.
00:21:24
Anyway, go ahead. You're back to your banana because I'm boring you.
00:21:30
Look, I zoned out about six minutes ago. I don't know what we're talking about. Love Island. You were like this.
00:21:37
Never seen it, lived it. Um, it's okay. Let's hear another story.
00:21:44
Audience is not bored. Oh, this woman is sitting there in like a Laura Engles
00:21:50
Wilder dress. with pants on under it. I think my family of six shares a poop knife.
00:21:57
Interesting. What's a poof knife? Poop. Let's find out. Poop knife. A poop knife.
00:22:03
Um, this is the one that we have. We keep it in our vinegar bucket. Vinegar bucket. If you don't know what a
00:22:09
fun is, this is what you wipe with instead of toilet paper. The wetness is from soaking in vinegar.
00:22:16
Okay, I see it. Really easy. You can't unsee it. How sharp is this crocodile?
00:22:23
Dundee about is that it doesn't rust. We also have something extra. Don't put your fingers in the water.
00:22:29
We have a sponge. Good cutaways.
00:22:34
Cutaways. Sell it in there. Yeah. Our number one sponge. [Laughter]
00:22:42
Get our number two spongy. This one's a little bigger and it has handle. It was
00:22:49
okay. Um, I'm instantly sick. Heather said, you
00:22:54
know, just the idea of a poop knife is fine. I don't need to see how sharp it
00:22:59
is, how it soaks in vinegar, and how you sticks your hand in the water. How big are your shits when you need a
00:23:05
sharpened buck knife? Well, here's my question. Was the woman
00:23:14
doing all the all stuff? Was she doing it as a comic bit? I mean,
00:23:21
I don't know. She looks She's got the play. She's playing it very real in Yeah. And
00:23:26
that makes it funny, but I just wonder if, you know, I don't know. It feels like it's real,
00:23:32
the poop knife. And uh she either does know it's embarrassing and it's funny or
00:23:37
she doesn't. But whoever maybe took that video and added in the reactions was funny. The cat going
00:23:43
although especially the first one they had a a female doll. It was a Barbie doll going
00:23:48
a horror film or something. Yeah. Got a laugh out of Heather for sure. Uh
00:23:54
but you know so just maybe poops knife should be our merch, but that's not for sure. But we haven't decided yet.
00:24:01
[Music] Yeah. Slice and the new poop. Slice and dice.
00:24:07
All new poopy knife. Take a piece of poo and slice and dice.
00:24:12
It's just that easy. Are your poops too long and unruly?
00:24:18
I've never had a problem where they're like, "This one, this one's not going to make it. I need either like a smasher
00:24:27
like you do with potatoes, you know." Well, now I can bring in my very quick insert of my character, Red Red Neckie,
00:24:34
the redneck comedian. two kind of scatological jokes. He's supposed to be the worst southern comic in history.
00:24:40
Yep. Very funny. I'm Red Rednecky the redneck comedian. You ever fart so loud dog two straight
00:24:47
away go what that? Come and get some. I'm Rednecky the redneck comedian. You
00:24:54
You ever crap so big you don't know going to get down that turlet? Come and get some.
00:25:00
That turlet. He does have a good catchphrase. Come and get some is great. It's
00:25:05
positive. You actually want to get through the joke so we can get to that. I think it's all about the catchphrase.
00:25:12
I want to do that in a prosthetic thing and it doesn't look like me and I'm kind of a big guy and go on stage and do a
00:25:18
hundred of those jokes in a row. No, we'll do it for one of our anniversary shows. We'll make you get
00:25:24
all into it. I'm kind of into like instead of standup, like going out in characters
00:25:29
now. That's kind of going through my head. Listen, standup is not hitting a saturation point, but when I'm on the
00:25:36
road and they're like, Nikki Glazer is coming next week and then here comes Sigura Theo 3 weeks later. And I think
00:25:44
there's just not enough money to go around in some of these cities where these cities have a lot of rabid comedy
00:25:50
fans that mean well and want to come out, but it's not the improv. I mean, when you're coming to theaters, you're
00:25:56
paying a lot. And then there's a concert, you know, and then of a band. And just to be entertained is
00:26:03
I'll admit because I'm part of the problem or the solution, whatever whatever it is, I'm one of these people
00:26:10
out there on the road, but it it's got to be tough. So, I appreciate when they come out because coming out to a show,
00:26:15
you get a babysitter. It's just a lot of Oh, the ticket prize, the whole thing, you know, play uh Great Falls, Montana.
00:26:23
Mhm. You know, play where not everyone's going. Right. But as far as standup, it's a person
00:26:29
with a mic and it's taking an oath of laughs per minute. It just seems kind of fun to shake it up rather than the guy
00:26:35
who's got his elbow on the mic. What's up everybody? Is that my I masturbated in front of my cat today.
00:26:43
That's my act. You don't do that joke, do you? I lean and that's what I start with.
00:26:49
You're describing me exactly. Oh, hey. What's up? Oh, I can't even do
00:26:55
you now. No, I come out with a lady. I come out and I go and then I wait for
00:27:02
everyone to calm down from the thunderous applause. And then I've seen it.
00:27:08
A lot of the people go, "You don't have to say anything. We're just glad you're here. We just like being with you in the
00:27:14
room. We just want to just let's just let it sink in." And then they go, "Do
00:27:20
your act if you want, but we're fine. Now, we already hit the price of admission from your first joke. Now,
00:27:27
it's gravy. I'll tell you the sickness I have is I What's your sickness? Well, it's crazy. After how long I've
00:27:34
done this, Yeah. I'm still dancing for my donuts. I still whether it's a corporate date, a
00:27:41
theater, a comedy club, only if it's like a 15seater, I take the oath I of I
00:27:49
must kill. Yeah. And yeah, I was just trained because in my 20s, you felt it was a doggy dog.
00:27:57
You're the you're the MC, you're the opener, you're the middle, and you have to always kill kill kill to get the
00:28:02
headliner. And then if you don't kill and the other guy kill, you know, so it's it's
00:28:08
you're that you know what I mean? A the whole thing from the beginning, everything's an audition. Every tiny
00:28:13
club, someone saw you. Hey, I saw him the other night. It was four people in the audience. He did great great jokes. those that travels around.
00:28:21
So, you have to always say, "I have to try this one. Try this one." And then you're a middle act and you want to be
00:28:27
so good that they say you should headline. And when you're a headliner, the middle acts are so good, you have to
00:28:33
be better than them so they don't flip-flop you. Exactly. And put you in the middle. And then when you get to these gigs where they're
00:28:39
paying, no matter what they're paying, a little or a lot, you go, I have to kill. And
00:28:44
even when I'm doing I say even, but corporate gigs are usually harder, but I
00:28:52
always want to kill. It's the same thing. I go over my notes, I go over this, I go I don't want to just walk through it. You're like, got to got it.
00:28:58
Now, if I don't, I don't. But I'm definitely take it seriously.
00:29:03
Any of these gigs got some. So that's why the only thing that's pure fun to me was I was telling
00:29:09
Bobby Lee the comedy store when it's packed and you've got eight comics up there
00:29:14
feels like pressure. But if I go so I would go to the haha cafe sometimes and
00:29:20
uh like Saturday at 700 p.m. in the valley and uh be like 20 people there.
00:29:26
Sure. Just enough to get a reaction. But then you just have your notepad and you're just really trying stuff and you're
00:29:33
making fun of it if it bombs. That's very enjoyable to me. That's usually the fun part because it's
00:29:38
very real. You're into it. And you don't have to get huge laughs. You You can just try try anything you
00:29:44
want. Your buddy Bobby Lee is on this week on the show. Uh very sweet, funny guy with a great
00:29:53
laugh. Hilarious. We had such a blast. He'll be on in a couple days.
00:29:58
All right. Next story and then we're going to do some Q&A questions. Okay. Okay. You know what laboo's are, Dana?
00:30:07
Of course not. Leubu is another random dopey doll that
00:30:13
looks like a cabbage patch. The doll maker becomes China's youngest top 10 billionaire. Wow. 22 billion in
00:30:22
this year. I'm sure it's just this year. He's 38.
00:30:27
Why this boooo? I saw some like hanging monkey dolls I was going to post at the
00:30:34
airport and they kind of look like this. Nobody cared. No one gave a fat [ __ ]
00:30:39
I'm like they're like we're hanging. We do more than labu. We're actually a little cuter. They're a little softer.
00:30:45
Doesn't matter. They like what they like. Well, first of all, this essentially
00:30:52
looks to me like it's in that three to nyear-old area predominantly
00:31:00
girls probably. Have to have it or who's the audience
00:31:05
for this? I think it goes up to adults. I hate to say like would Heather would you want
00:31:12
someone to give you that? I'll admit I have fallen for stupid things like this before, but this is
00:31:18
beyond my comprehension. And Dana, full on influencers, adults are like staying
00:31:24
up online at night to get these things. And there's dupes going around called
00:31:30
Yeah. Don't go don't fall for the dupes, Dana. Well, back in the day there was Pokemon cards. Sure.
00:31:35
Goofy cards. And eventually it was a million dollars for a certain card. So, it's just But that guy got 22 billion
00:31:41
and I've done pretty good in life. I just think people who are working regular jobs would just be annoyed by
00:31:47
that. Yeah, I'm annoyed by them. I'm annoyed by how much money I don't like the doll. I don't like the
00:31:52
guy. I don't like the 22 billion. I love the story. It was entertaining, but the rest of it
00:31:58
Yeah, I'm with you because they they just showed some NFTt that sold for
00:32:05
60 million and it's worth under $100 now. Well, that whole phase of the fun Yeah.
00:32:12
NFT stuff. It was a gold rush and now you're literally they lost 60 million.
00:32:18
That's one of the only things that I've said I don't get it. I don't want to get involved.
00:32:24
Yeah. Didn't Justin Bieber buy something like a picture of an ape smiling or something for NFT?
00:32:30
Everybody did. I mean, all those rich people did. They all got fleeced. Uh damn. I hope Bitcoin is not one of those
00:32:37
things. I know. They all got rinsed. My favorite words. Uh okay. So, what's the next one?
00:32:42
And then we'll do a question. One more story, then a question.
00:32:48
One more story. Here we go. One more story. Uh,
00:32:53
oh, this is toe wrestling. Have you ever seen toe wrestling in a bar?
00:32:59
Nope. Just they got to hook your toe like that. I wonder Oh, put powder on. I wonder
00:33:07
what the hard part. Is it your quads or is it your actual ankles got to be strong?
00:33:14
You can't beat a girl toe till destruction.
00:33:19
It's your whole lower chain. I mean, you need all the leg knee calf especially. God, your kneecap could could rip.
00:33:27
Yeah. How do you win? You push. I don't know if I want to pull my pants
00:33:33
up over my calves. Well, what if you just scooch forward and pull them off? Is that Steven Greer?
00:33:39
Yes. I don't like his third toe being the longest toe. That guy.
00:33:46
Sick. Yeah. This is It's not aesthetically pleasing. It's not
00:33:52
That looks like a wiener. How do you win? Oh, you push him over the red line. I think you either have to tap them into
00:33:59
that wall. That's coming off. So, you need just your ankle ankle strength has
00:34:05
to be really strong and your toes. Your toe muscle, ankle muscle. You're
00:34:10
right. Not really your calves, but your knee, your quads.
00:34:15
One guy's abs, big toe is gnarled down like he chewed it. Some people chew their toenails.
00:34:22
Not. How can society top this? We've had arm wrestling. We've had the slap thing. Now
00:34:28
we have toe wrestling. What's next, David? I like slap fighting where it's an
00:34:34
immediate CTE. It's just like and you go, "Oh my god. Oh my god."
00:34:40
I do when you put them in opposite orthodontist chairs and call it dental work and each one tries to pull a tooth
00:34:47
or the other one first. Yeah. I could see if they said, "We'll
00:34:53
pay someone to just pull a good tooth. We just pull the tooth and we watch everyone watch you.
00:34:59
Yeah. Welcome to all new pull it tooth. I'm Rob Low.
00:35:05
See who can fast. Mhm. All right. Well, let's take some questions. We We threatened to take
00:35:11
questions from We gave a website. What is it, Heather? Odyssey. It
00:35:18
We're branching out in our news our new reboot. We'll see if it goes well. We'll do more. We'll see if these questions are
00:35:24
We want to interact with you. We want to know who you are. Yeah. So, let's see. Are they audio or
00:35:31
Hey guys, Dante Carter here. I don't know if you guys remember me, but I was on the podcast over a year ago. I did the Barack Obama impression. I'm back in
00:35:37
my car. I'm going to pause again so David can make fun of me again for it.
00:35:44
Oh, David. By the way, I want to say thanks for featuring me back then because I was able to pick up some
00:35:49
standup gigs off of that. I'll Vinmo you your cut. But I do have a question. I just started a new podcast where I
00:35:55
interview other entertainers while I'm on my way to and from my standup gigs. And oh,
00:36:01
is that the logo? How did that get there? That's so embarrassing. I'm sorry about that, guys. But I was wondering if
00:36:06
you guys knew how to get better guests and how to grow that page. I'm I'm really working on growing it. Uh and if
00:36:12
you guys have any advice on how to grow that page aside from getting on SNL and then making movies that make millions
00:36:18
cuz that's not happening for me right now. But if you guys have any suggestions on getting better guests uh
00:36:24
and and how to reach out to those guests and how to grow the page, that would be really great. Thanks, guys. My first blink is go harder at the
00:36:30
cowardly lion motif like that. It it is a definite cowardly lion from Wizard of
00:36:36
Oz motif and go at that. Call yourself the lion maybe or get with someone looks like the Tin
00:36:42
Man or get a Dorothy co-host. Well, Oz never did nothing for the tin man that he
00:36:50
didn't already have. Yeah, I never got that. Who sang that? I never got that, but I I got I get it
00:36:56
now. The raspberries. I don't know. I never did give it bread or something. Yeah, I could think
00:37:03
of it. Well, this gentleman he does in his car.
00:37:09
I don't Are you allowed to do it in your car like that? I don't think you're Well, how he's going to want to get guests in his car like they would zoom
00:37:16
in and he sit in the car or they're on the phone like maybe if he did on speaker phone
00:37:22
maybe because you know in Arizona there's a no touch phone law as of July
00:37:27
1st you can't even touch your phone if you're on a map or anything just you can't have your phone
00:37:33
so it would hurt his show but uh I don't think he's in California so Okay, I
00:37:42
don't have great advice. It's hard, you know. I I'd say get quirky guests. If
00:37:47
you're not getting famous people, just get quirky weirdos because weirdos are funny, right?
00:37:53
Yeah. Yeah. Um started with weirdos and he, you know, you have like a snake wrangler and
00:38:00
whoever just somebody's got interest. Someone in if you're going to a club in some small town, you just talk to, you
00:38:06
know, a guy in the street or a bartender, anything like that. I mean, think of Tom Green or something back in
00:38:11
the day. Yeah, I think that's right. Make it quirky and different and then clip those things and throw them out all
00:38:17
over the web. But what was the name of it again? It's called
00:38:23
It accidentally popped up. Remember Detour or something? Heather, you
00:38:29
remember? Oh, yeah. Well, then it just
00:38:36
um Okay. on the road with Dante Carter. Uh it has to just be like a travel log of meeting quirky people.
00:38:43
Yeah. On on the road. And maybe they have sex in the back seat. If only if things are slowing
00:38:49
down. Okay, that's possibility. Like an Only Fans. It all goes back to Only
00:38:54
Fans. That's where the money is. My god. Okay, next question.
00:39:01
I'll read the second question. And the email is flyonthewala.com. Uh, this is from Marie. Hi Dana and
00:39:08
David, I love your show. Here's a topic for Shaggy News. A military task force is sent to investigate the nuclear site
00:39:14
in Iran. The team includes Scooby, Shaggy, Bert Lancaster, Kirk Douglas, Lauren Michaels, and Dennis Miller.
00:39:20
Jesus. I guess I'll let you take this one, Dana. Take a sip and a bite of your
00:39:26
banana. I still need Scoop in there. Oh, yeah. Okay, I'll be there. Okay. Who
00:39:32
were the other three? Okay, I got you. Bert Lancaster, Dennis Miller, and Lauren Michaels. This is Well, geez, Scoo. I can't believe we're
00:39:38
going back to Tyran. We got to see if Mount Foro can still make a bomb. Right,
00:39:44
Scoob? Let's ask Let's ask Dennis Miller. What
00:39:49
do you think, Dennis? Mine isn't as thinky as yours. Yeah, I don't have to do that much. Christ sakes. I mean, I don't know how
00:39:56
you can top three bunker busters. You know, that's almost 100,000 lbs of TNT
00:40:01
going in there, right, Lauren? Um, it's that thing of like the bunker buster
00:40:07
does its job, but you still have to make sure that it actually worked. Right, Bert Lancaster? Right.
00:40:13
I'm telling you, I think he took the mountain down. What do you think, Cook? I believe he
00:40:21
destroyed the whole moon. I like mountains that are destroyed. Well,
00:40:27
thanks guys. Thanks for being on Shaggy News. Close us out, Scoob.
00:40:36
You did all the I like that was a news story. That was a news story just wasn't
00:40:42
shaggy news. I did like that. Shaggy just goes down the line. Over to you, Kirk.
00:40:48
Well, I you had all your reporters in there. Probably six of them. Mhm. I
00:40:54
could have done Tom Broka, too. Here we are at Mount For what's it called? Mount Fordo. What? Foro?
00:41:01
I don't know. Here we are in Iran where a mountain was blown to pieces by a
00:41:07
bunker buster bomb. I'm I'm broke in.
00:41:13
I had a bunker buster at Dairy Queen. Uh bunker buster last night and you're
00:41:19
sitting on the toilet. I see. Thank you. You can get there. You're just as bad as me, you know.
00:41:24
Ah, yeah. I like the scaff. Okay. Should we do one more before we close out?
00:41:30
Everyone's very informative. Everyone's learned. Okay, that's it for today, you guys.
00:41:36
Thank you so much. Um, we are wrapping. I hope you had a good Fourth of July
00:41:42
and um Yeah. Yeah. I I hope it was uh
00:41:48
forthtastic. I hope it was. I I hope you saw all the
00:41:54
pistol pets or what are they called? Pete's what? Cones Pete.
00:42:00
I hope you had a great firecracker weekend. May the July 4th be with you.
00:42:07
Now, you tweeted on Monday after the Fourth of July weekend, your words, not
00:42:14
mine, that David Spade tweeted out,
00:42:19
"This Fourth of July weekend, quote, sucked." Your words, not mine. David,
00:42:26
his [ __ ] eyes. That's like ending with a home run. That
00:42:32
That guy is always home run. We gota if we can get John Senator John Kennedy on our show. He's always invited.
00:42:38
Oh, maybe we should. Well, let's ask him for next week because he would come on and read a few. It's Vegas Dallas. He has so many and
00:42:45
he's he's loaded up sometimes. He's got them ready to go and they're funny. Oh, man. Him with P. Diddy would have
00:42:50
been incredible. Now, you had 1,000
00:42:56
bottles of baby oil in your house. Is that correct? How many can you go through in one day?
00:43:01
I go through one in a decade. What was the purpose of a thousand
00:43:09
bottles of baby oil? You don't know. You just sort of had them. Is that your is
00:43:14
that your answer? Are you Is that story going to stick to it?
00:43:19
Uh, okay. That was great. Thank you, Dana. I'll let you get back to your banana situation and u thanks for
00:43:26
joining me on the show. Uh, thank you. This has been the Dana Carvey podcast. My guest today has been
00:43:32
David Spade from Joe Dirt and the Wrong
00:43:37
Missy. All right. Okay. See you next week.
00:43:44
Hey guys, if you're loving this podcast, which you are, be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app. Give us a
00:43:50
review, fivestar rating, and maybe even share an episode that you've loved with a friend. If you're watching this
00:43:56
episode on YouTube, please subscribe. We're on video now. Fly on the Wall is presented by Odyssey,
00:44:02
an executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman, Mattie Sprung Kaiser, and Leah
00:44:10
Reese Dennis of Odyssey. Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman and the show is produced and edited by Phil Sweet
00:44:16
Tech. Booking by Cultivated Entertainment. Special thanks to Patrick Fogerty, Evan Cox, Mora Curran, Melissa
00:44:25
Wester, Hillary Schuff, Eric Donnelly, Colin Gainner, Sean Cherry, Kurt
00:44:32
Courtourtney, and Lauren Vieiraa. Reach out with us any questions be asked and answered on the show. You can email us
00:44:38
at fly onthewallsey.com. That's audacy.com.
