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hey guys it's David Spade here applause applause Standing Ovation um it's uh everyone has been asking me
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where I go on tour literally every single person in the world so I'm playing the Venetian in Las Vegas
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with Nikki Glaser coming up in April and then we do it three more times check davidspade.com that's not a plug it
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sounds like one it's not anyway have fun here we go
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Christ sakes at the Mark Twain Prize that's a very moniker I had 50 million
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in the svb bank I got 50 greatest mind of his generation with a Cracker Jack
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Motif okay went away with [ __ ] Super Ball I said
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this is Liam Neeson what the [ __ ] does Adam Sandler have to do with Mark Twain
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if you don't tell me I will kill you and I have Dan and I are doing Adam Sandler's Mark's fan we'll just tell the
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audience we will have just done Adam's Mark Twain award yes and we're coming up and we're sure we have to do stuff fly
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out there and do stuff for them and we yeah Dana's gotta sing a song
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you could probably do it and uh and then we're gonna introduce Jay Leno
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this was just a refrain and Jay was great Twain
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Mark Twain man [Music]
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that's a catchphrase don't give it all away probably bombed at the place we're
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going no we gotta fly across country don't be scared
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scared of wealth and money I want to make everybody happy [Music] she's nice
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[Music] you can do it on guitar too yeah Paradise
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and the feeling so nice yeah [Music]
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there's a lady I know she ordered Amazon you have to update it
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she ordered Amazon and they delivered a broccoli from hellofresh
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and even though it's 20 40 she jumping broccoli she's old school
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people still have to take a sharpened object and chop the damage yeah that's
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not from the 80s [Music] Jay Leno is a great uh influence on
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Comics we grew up no I thought it was Grover it's great we got all the chopping broccoli
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anyway Jay came all the way in he sat down right there Jay Leno two broken
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ribs and a broken collarbone he was not a complainer he's old school he's the ultimate not complainer he's just super
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cool came in like a trooper and he's a great Storyteller we had some great Rodney Dangerfield stuff the time he
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opened for Bill Cosby at the eras yeah that was a great that was very interesting and and how Cosby was
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perceived at The Tonight Show but you know we all grew up and he was one of the great comics and uh he knows all the
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SNL guys he's on the show and he's just so tied into everything
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and we just wanted and we've seen him out we said come on and talk to us and it's good to those shows that are just
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comedy he laughs he yeah he says funny things the connection really to SNL is so many of us were stand-ups that got
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SNL Sandler you and me on and on and Jay loves stand up so does Jerry Seinfeld so
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we do talk a lot about stand-up for anyone listening that might want to think about doing stand up Jay is a
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master class and the technique and the attitude you need to become a successful stand-up and Dana doesn't impression
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them to him
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why do people think this and then he goes on there and I told him that he had those two gears it's not just the high
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gear yeah it's the base guy too and the bass guy goes what's going on his Japanese cars yeah and Japanese guns
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well he's got two cylinders on it it tops out about 30 miles an hour I guess I could I get one of those yeah the
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engines [Music] but he was uh just the guy when we were
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coming up as a pure stand-up he rode a motorcycle to the club he had weird eyes
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giant hair piled up and he was a big big president low maintenance guy yeah came
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over here knocked it out everything's fine face was still on fire which I thought they would have put it out by now
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it was smolder but he looked incredible he looks really good by the way he's the only one in Show Business who doesn't
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have a writer that's very Jaylen a writer means you the people are booking you you need a Diet Coke or you need
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some carrot sticks Jay has another Rider his diet coke carrot stick Slinky
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Cheez-Its and crack cocaine and a link to You Porn and a woman named Susie with
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a yoga mat and a gift certificate to the purple
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nurple that's your joke this voice is just funny for you it doesn't have to be Johnny Carson it's just a funny Vice
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hello chimney Cricket oh I I've read for Jimmy Cricket you did yeah
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hey come on I'm Dreaming to Crooked yeah I had it I had it perfect for an afternoon no sorry I'm an 11 to me 93. remember he
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used to sing that yeah yeah yeah he had a couple Tunes I love Jimmy Cricket all right here's Jay Leonard you guys here's
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Jay Leno one of the all times [Music]
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great to see you love Jay good to see you bye guys
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I know that's right but now I know I know now we're going to see how hard it is you guys are good on the after show
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oh you saw that yeah I thought it was good oh the Netflix where's this gonna go it was a nightmare it was a little Oh
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I thought I mean it was awkward it didn't look awkward I mean I mean it was
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you were the two white Comics yeah what do you mean and you addressed that in a funny way right and you let them do the
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talking no yeah no I thought I mean it wasn't a matter of you know overpowering
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or no you know a lot of times when they put five comedians in a room with two one is funny five will be hilarious
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no it doesn't work but right that was funny everybody had something interesting to say oh yeah right thank
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you we had uh you know that was Rock's idea he said it would be sort of fun to have this
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you know because they want to make the first live event a bigger event they said well you know it could be like a fight you know people talking before
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people talking after I couldn't really picture that but they explain it more and I go yeah we could just discuss it you know like what jokes worked I
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thought he was great and he was great and I was stunned it to the reviews yeah like you know old man Rock yelling
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get off my lawn and people have no idea how long it takes to put an act together yeah I know
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it's it's so difficult when he landed I mean they just think oh they're yeah they're old-fashioned jokes but they're
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great jokes well I'm just kind of Netflix specials hey Baltimore yeah Baltimore Denver and in the watching the
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clock they know okay I got 58 more minutes I gotta fill he had jokes every step of the way oh yeah he worked his
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ass that's what I liked about it I liked it he went where no man one of my jokes is I like that Chris went where Nook
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comedian is brave enough to go Baltimore yeah it was funny because when we did
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after show they wanted a nice mix and what you just said I wanted to jump back to is they said it's you and Dana and we
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thought there would be no prep we just said oh we'll just talk about after in our our initial reactions and they said oh and we'll have other Comics join you
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and I said okay I think our first thing was don't get it too crazy it's not like the Super Bowl halftime show right they
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said we could have like six other Comics like oh no no no that's yeah because No One's Gonna Get to talk and they want a
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nice mix and uh you know Kareem is has talked about rock situation before very
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interesting guy you don't see a lot I said oh that's great he wants to come and uh JB's move we got to get him out
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of his shell right and then if we can just prod him we needed him because it was like we're watching Chris and he's
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just really hammering that last 15 minutes don't ever fight in front of white people mic drop energy and I just
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saw you know then it's like hi everybody you know it's just funny really well we had to acknowledge something JB's move
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came they brought the energy I thought it was very good it was a nice transition I said what is this going to be okay but no it wasn't it wasn't what
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do you think I don't know everybody had something would you mind if I
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this is like when you would come back before The Tonight Show and we'd kind of do with all your guests now now that's
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part of the show right so this is us better and you can take out anything you want no um
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too no that's fine there we go he knows his way around you microphone okay by
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the way I did like when you would come back at The Tonight Show and say hi because some people don't and I
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understand both ways but I thought it was fun that you did yeah I always liked it because I I mean
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that's how you get him to come back you know yeah they have they have a nice experience yeah people go oh okay you're not gonna bring in my cocaine bus no I
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gotta ask you about it I'll just ask you and you answer me okay say whatever answer you want yeah yeah I gotta ask
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you yeah so Jay you look great I mean thank you thank you but I'm just saying
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blink if someone told me you didn't your face didn't catch on fire
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oh this I don't see anything they saw all new face yeah that's good in eight
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days I missed I missed two shows see I love that about you and I knew when that happened when your eyes opened
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from whatever they did to you'd be like can I go now I got it I got a I got a broken collarbone I got two busted ribs
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and I got two cracked kneecaps because I got clothes lined on my motorcycle no we heard about the scariest situation yeah
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was it at night or just you went around a corner and there was a while I was I was riding okay your 72 year old guy and
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an 83 year old motorcycle oh it's stripping gas I don't want to
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catch fire 155 how do I catch fire again let me turn around I turn around in a parking lot and the guy had a wire
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across the parking lot with no flag you know and the sun was right here and boom
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Oh my God yeah yeah and then you went well it it
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cut my face again so I called my face guy I go listen you know the face you gave me that new face I gotta get it
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fixing what'd you do I told him as I drove up there and he fixed it again so it's a goddamn this is a brand new ear
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that guy's well one meter brand new here I mean it when you when you get graphene
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when you get burned in a fire ears are like paper there's nothing it just it just goes up so that's just boom
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and they grafted it from someplace else yeah well I got a buddy of mine who's a Moyle he gave me a bag of grass and they
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worked out great so you can't even you look good I'm telling you Dana just said it and I was like oh wait you did
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do that thing and and you [ __ ] have all your hair which is infuriating yeah that's what I was thinking about today I
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was thinking about Young Jay coming on stage you always had the motorcycle
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the motorcycle boots right yeah incredibly thick High black hair you're
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kind of like hulking you're like six three your eyes are yeah I've only been six foot that I must have grown
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super pale blue eyes then you'd come up and people when they do impressions of you they'll sort of go to this Branch yeah
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right but most of the time you were this guy well you know it's really bothering me today it was very potent and you only
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did that to break up that tenor to kind of talk to the crowd right I don't understand and then you bring the guy in
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while they said the Henderson boys okay yeah so anyway that was my thing I was thinking today I wanted to tell you
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about oh well thank you I appreciate it but you I saw you at the Ice House uh I don't know what your mid 80s
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I'd never seen anyone kill at heart that was the first time I'd actually seen you fully dismantle the room no I'd seen you
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at the one in California I think at a theater well Jeremy you and I flew to New York for your audition I got that on
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my notes for what SNL yeah for SNL well I by that point I pretty much had it I think yeah and I was going to do it and
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then we sat together yeah yeah and you I remember you saying are you sure you can do this I don't think it's a good fit I
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just made that up what did we talk about what were you going to do Letterman I think so yeah yeah were you prepared
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yeah that was my favorite you know Letterman was the first show where I could be myself because yeah I grew up
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in New England and I would always go thank you Mr Carson call me Johnny what I I didn't grow up
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right you know like you come to California okay this is my parents uh Bob and Agnes how are you Mr manicelli I
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can't call you Bob and Agnes you're my friends but you know what I mean yeah yeah and then with Letterman I could go and Dave nice tie or just you know it's
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just trash this because you knew him for years yeah yeah which you couldn't do with Johnny so that's why it was a great
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breakthrough well that's why I would sometimes I don't really know why wear a t-shirt or this jacket
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um and you'd be in a tie but then when when you retired whatever every host was younger than me we had a tie on yeah
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then I started wearing a tie yeah yeah I'm too young to cut out you know but
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yeah I saw Jay when he was on um when I was just a little I wasn't a stand-up and I was watching Johnny Carson and you
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know there was seinfelders of you and I think everyone at that age just loves comedy and so I wasn't thinking of being
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a comedian but do you remember anything I'm going to mangle this it was after the Exxon Valdez oil spill and you said
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and you know they were trying to save electricity in America and I think you said uh you know they spill six million
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gallons of oil and then they want us to save three cents a year by going to the bathroom in the dark and I started
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laughing sorry it was something like that and uh I do kind of remember that and that's when I was like I mean you
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have a million sets you've done but I thought God damn it and you you've always had such economical smart jokes
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that are just and you're just about the mechanics and putting them together and I think well it is the economy Awards
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comedy is that of course the shorter it takes two months yeah it's done that's what I liked about Chris special it's
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just joke I just I'm just tired of these specials where people have done two already
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they're committed to a third or a fourth and they just got it what's up how y'all doing yeah
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yeah yeah what else is up yeah you and Jerry are locked up on that because when I did the coffee show with them and cars
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he goes you don't hear because you're special because you came out and just went right into the jokes so you and he
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have such a well I remember a comic I had on The Tonight Show I won't see who it is but uh he he he had just done a a
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special for one of them uh so what are you I'm going on the road you know it's special I said why you got a new owl
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already he goes no no I'm no I do you know I do what I did in the special I go okay you know this is not it's not
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the Eagles play Hotel California again I mean if they just saw you they will watch you the night before they go see
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you and the next day if you repeat even one way he goes no I don't think so like all right next time he's on the show
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he's like oh man I just learned this day and I just did a special I haven't done very many I had
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an HBO special back in during just shoot me in SNL days right didn't know how rare it was because HBO didn't do that
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many right and it wasn't a Netflix one every week and that it took me a while to rotate that
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material out you know I was doing other stuff it's hard to where it wasn't my number one job at that point and then getting back into it
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it took me a while to say okay if I do a special by the time it gets out you better be ready and that's that's very hard
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because it came out in two months so I've rotated stuff and I'm probably
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about 80 percent new but that 20 some love to hear it and some have a problem
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with it right yeah because they they watch it again you know that's why I've never done one of those I did one back in the 80s I owned it I put it on and
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then I burned it and I said that wasn't comedy surprise part of it yeah so if you've seen Master's gone nobody can run
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it again what about the McDonald's trainee [ __ ] I said because that was the one what was that one I don't know
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you're doing a McDonald's riff this is you at the Ice House levitating the room which I call complete destruction yeah
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some of my other guys a trainee and like he doesn't want to make a milkshake or something but it was just it's just I
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know that's not it but you didn't just do drugs you would bring jokes together and you do you did
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act outs too you know I mean that character talking and so you had a lot of different tools but you always great
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at jokes also someone like Jay doesn't need a special because I I'm on your side on that one for you because
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you always sell out you always do well and that's sort of the point of a special is to get people out and well you know I had the advantage of The
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Tonight Show you're doing a monologue every night and you never repeat that material because it just that's too bad
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hey how about Reagan's trip to Pittsburgh you can't be on the road you know yeah Dick Cheney what's that all I
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know you stumble into some good jokes and monologues and that's a bummer because you're like oh this would I know this would be great sometimes you get
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some good with you go ahead I'm sorry you know by where were we go ahead oh just do you ever get people yelling out
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for old bits like because they were kind of hit so hard maybe it was so but not so much anymore no no I don't know so
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you have essentially the same your core Act is still the same and you just add little things basically you add subtract
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I mean because people think well I saw you last year you got all new material no I don't yeah you just have a bad
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memory yeah you know they don't if they watch it three times on like I remember getting the uh a bob and Ray album
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Remember that oh yeah Bob and Ray with the um Komodo dragon must have played
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that a hundred times it's just made me laugh every time then this time of person oh it's the same it's the same
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thing you know sometimes when I go to The Comedy Store and I'm with people and I see Sebastian I see someone I say oh I
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hope he does these ones that I have heard once and I think they'll think they're funny so they're that's sort of
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I I feel a little bit of that and it's odd that it's different than the bands because you've heard those songs but
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you'd love to hear them so right it's a different uh different genre I understand I think you did one uh oh
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yeah did you say here's an old joke I don't know why I'm just bringing up old jokes but when he says you say you go
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stay at your parents house and at Thanksgiving and you see Matlock you watch Matlock with him and then you come
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back here later and see the only rerun of the only Matlock you've ever seen in your life
00:19:07
thing the next time you go was it Matlock for a long time just a funny story that was a great funny reference
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you're watching Matlock I'm so mad it's gone manx was good Matlock Matlock instant instant laughs you know um
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comedy words what was I gonna say about that you know Mannix that guy Mike Connors
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yeah he was a great guy you know he came to the show a couple of times I remember he was the first show remember his
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secretary Peggy was African-American okay and CBS came to him and said you
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got to get rid of the African-American girl Southern Affiliates uh not happy they don't want to have a black person
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on TV and he refused he said well I went through the show you know I always thought that was and this was in this
00:19:52
mid 60s when well of course you fire right now you know and he didn't he's
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cool you know so he was uh yeah he was quite a guy he was a great guy he used to have that he used to have a tornado
00:20:03
with the roof cut off it was painted gold you know it looked like one of those superhero cars and when he follows
00:20:09
somebody he'd get below the seat like you know like is this gold projectile man he's trying to be Incognito what
00:20:18
about Canon oh is this going way too bad Canon yeah I remember Canada was the funniest he was a sort of
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well the thing with Canon was the criminals run down the alley and he'd
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always run on the driver's side so Canon could open the door
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did you ever have like uh movie stars come on from your youth when you're hosting tonight show that was sort of
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special in a way I got to do a sketch with Robert Mitchum once and it was kind of a surreal trip you know yeah it was I
00:20:52
remember I had uh what's his name um Charlton Heston no no he played uh he did the bond um not uh Roger Roger Moore
00:21:00
yeah you know so he can watch that hello so it was so I understand you like to
00:21:06
travel yes oh where do you go on vacation to India oh anyway well that's quite a trip no
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not really well how do you get there we try
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you you drive to India yes yes it's a very pleasant no sir
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from where and now he's getting another well for my homework
00:21:29
and look at Debbie she's gone I don't know I I said well how do you drive to
00:21:36
India it was about two hours two hours to India I suppose he says yes
00:21:44
and then I realized he was saying Indio California the whole time the whole time but did he
00:21:50
pronounce it India you know I don't think oh well it's a beautiful country and he's got well yeah I don't know it's
00:21:56
the country but it's very hot yeah yeah he should come see me in Morongo
00:22:04
[Music] let's talk about his cars I like your cars I don't know if Dana
00:22:11
let's go back to the beginning when when did you realize like I don't know why they had this race one of my sons he
00:22:18
thinks he's as into cards as you are then people would call them car nuts I don't know why right but when did you
00:22:24
realize cars because my son when I he was two and had little cars it was over would you can you remember the first
00:22:31
time you became fascinated was it anything that rolls explodes and makes noise was you know
00:22:37
that's it anything that rolls it's different now because you know when I was a kid it was your only Escape I mean
00:22:44
now you know kids are in the room you call a girlfriend hey send me a naked
00:22:50
picture okay great you know in my day I had to you first had to get to the girl's house make sure her parents
00:22:56
weren't home right sneaking in the window to take her clothes off get the point get the picture and then go to a
00:23:01
drugstore three towns away where the youngest didn't know your parents to get the pictures developed it sounds like
00:23:07
enough sense yeah pictures back to be black Parts over all the good stuff yeah so you could yeah yeah that's where it
00:23:14
used to be when I was a kid oh yeah yeah you mix in a few skateboarding ones yeah yeah that's right did you have toy cars
00:23:21
before you got real ones I suppose yes I had that SSP where you spoke yeah yeah
00:23:28
I had those I had those but I grew up in a rural area when I was 12 there was a
00:23:33
car left by the side of the road we took it back and got it running and I would drive it around my backyard my mom would
00:23:39
stand at the kitchen window and watch us driving around our and how old were you 12 12 you know yeah now of course the
00:23:46
child services your parents yeah oh my mom would have been in jail yeah yeah because every
00:23:52
just because she let us walk to 7-Eleven yeah yeah and uh it's funny as you were
00:23:57
saying because I want Mannix when I was when I moved to LA it was uh I'm jumping
00:24:03
around but it was very odd to see a superstar from a movie
00:24:08
out of the show I summoned 7-Eleven or something or you see like a guy from chips and you're like wait are you a
00:24:14
real person even though I'm older I should know this right I don't really get what they're doing in real life and I don't like you couldn't stop looking I
00:24:21
saw Michael Landon when I was 10 in a restaurant it's just like surreal why
00:24:26
isn't Boston airport and I saw um Art Garfunkel and I saw and I hid behind a
00:24:31
pole I don't know why I saw I stick my head out like if he saw
00:24:37
me out when I duck back and go why am I doing this it's hard to imagine you like that you've been famous for some
00:24:43
assassin you know but another one of the teenager is like oh that's a famous I mean when I first came to town
00:24:49
I I landed in LA and I took a cab until the money ran out he dropped me
00:24:55
off at Sunset and Western and I was trying to get to the comedy Stone I walked all the way back oh that's a hike
00:25:00
and I was going through uh not quite unless up near where the um
00:25:07
Hollywood Sign no you know that Scientology places out there oh yeah what they call that area the celebrity
00:25:13
theater that's Beachwood candy a Beachwood Canyon and I saw uh the guy
00:25:18
from uh McHale's Navy Ernie Borgnine no not bro oh Tim Conway
00:25:24
no no the other one that used to do the bad magic act what was his name do you know who I mean Larry Storch no no not
00:25:30
Larry storage but he was having a garage sale that's the guy from McHale's Navy I'm
00:25:38
like oh wow how am I gonna make it he's on TV and he's selling his crap a garage sale
00:25:45
this is how old were you when you came to La uh I cut 21 I guess and you'd
00:25:51
already graduated college couch no I came while I was still in college and you studied speech right do you think
00:25:56
that helped you yeah speech because but you had to get up in front of the class and give speeches no
00:26:02
I took it because the syllabus I think I said at the end of
00:26:07
the uh semester each student required to give a 20-minute talk that's why I can do that but other guys oh 20 minutes oh
00:26:14
man I'm not taking that I said we just kind of talked for 20 minutes how hard is that so that that's what I did I I
00:26:19
took I had no interest and did you get laughs you probably got laughs got a few laughs you know what I did I remember
00:26:24
memorizing a George Carlin routine and then I never said his material on stage
00:26:31
but I said it in my mind and and then when I got on stage I put my own stories in uh and when I was in school you know
00:26:38
I remember going okay Carlin did the class clown and then I went I I kind of
00:26:43
timed it you know I was all stayed so anyway when I was at school and then I just put my own story and that kind of
00:26:50
worked a little bit yeah yeah did you get messages earlier than that like when you're in fourth grade fifth grade that
00:26:55
you were a Class Clown funny yeah but maybe I should do this there were two jokes I remember my first joke
00:27:03
was in the fourth grade Mrs Allen now where she said Mrs toit oh yeah she was
00:27:08
talking about um Robin Hood and how cruel the Sheriff of Nottingham was and when he captured
00:27:13
Robinson he'd boil them in oil well I remember put my hand up and I said you know why he did that to tuck and she
00:27:21
said no why because he was a friar you call him chocolate shelves too yeah
00:27:27
so it gets kind of a laugh you know and she goes all right all right settle up but I could see she was like smiling while she was admonishing and then later
00:27:34
after class I'm walking the hall and I see one of the male teachers come out of the mail lunch come here what would you
00:27:40
say about the Robin Hood I said oh oh fryer he's a friar oh that's what all they have I went oh she repeated wow oh
00:27:47
that is cool and then I learned not to be a prop comic I met my friend Joel and I we had to do a skit and I wrapped him
00:27:55
in bandages and I wheeled them in on a hand cart like he was a mummy yeah and it said
00:28:02
like 2000 BC on his chest yeah and well one of the Stooges there goes
00:28:08
what's that number on the chest all right so that's a license plate attracted him yeah I gotta laugh but we
00:28:13
have no more material and that's it you know my friend is wrapped in bandages and well okay thank you I had a box of
00:28:21
trump of props because Robin had them so for a while and it was a pain in the ass oh yeah oh yeah I got because I couldn't
00:28:27
write any jokes so I had props I remember I used to do a bit with sunglasses and one time I went on stage I didn't have the glass cycle okay
00:28:33
that's it I'm not right yeah dependent on props and yeah I had a Gumby doll and
00:28:39
I'd hold it up and I ladies and gentlemen Gumby this is how bad my material was and I would pull the legs apart and go
00:28:45
got a big laugh I saw Carrot Top went sweating it out at the luggage just
00:28:51
staring and I'm like if his stuff doesn't [ __ ] come down he doesn't go on tonight I know I know that yeah
00:28:56
I love the idea of you fly there you land at 7 45 it's six minutes to the
00:29:03
theater you got and you get four minutes you go I gotta kill four minutes before I go on for me you know I mean that's
00:29:09
just the mic stand and then you walked yeah that's it no rehearsal no soundtrack they can't believe it Canada
00:29:18
so people understand that that is your Mantra well one time I did a gig in
00:29:23
Maine and a guy had he had taken to church and converted into a nightclub
00:29:28
and he said I didn't get your writer I said you know I'm not a writer guy I don't want to be one of those red Eminem
00:29:35
guys I said I don't need anything you don't need anything I'm fine okay I get there uh
00:29:41
okay where's my okay well you said you didn't need anything I need a mic
00:29:48
you said you need anything I said well I mean you don't have a house sound system because no we bring it in for each Act
00:29:55
well so I got how y'all doing oh my God I just had to shout I just shouted okay
00:30:02
from now I want adequate sound system that's my ride adequate yeah Mr microphone yeah the club if you saw my
00:30:09
uh Rider you'd you'd beat me up in the Park oh yeah but it's just it's the agents and stuff that make the writer so
00:30:16
in case they show up every two years they have roast beef sandwiches exactly but you always pay I always love accent
00:30:22
I have no idea they're paying for that vegetable plate yeah you know they have the but I didn't really eat it yeah he
00:30:27
paid for it what are you talking about that was 48 what are you talking about it's just a couple pieces of salami no
00:30:32
no that's 28 yeah they always come in sad they go this weekend they're like Mr Spade sorry the tortilla chips weren't
00:30:39
blue I go well I mean I'll eat them but I'm not happy I've had college kids rushing we only have three towels oh
00:30:46
yeah towels my rider says four towels I never said I knew that how many Comics are drenched in sweat I know we only
00:30:52
have three towels that's my whole thing trying not to be a pain in the ass and I'll have your back you know by the way
00:30:58
that that uh comedy magic club I know you you just still do it and I think you still do it and uh yeah 78 such a great club and I I swear I
00:31:07
just do not want that club to ever go away because it's so so many memories and such a great place great crowds
00:31:13
great backstage well the nice thing is it has a an Unwritten rule say whatever you want
00:31:20
but you know don't it's not you know sometimes I go in The Comedy Store and you have to be a gynecologist to follow
00:31:26
them well where is that on the girl I don't know where that is squirting and things yes but I mean it's
00:31:33
just so and then what happens is you wind up losing a portion of the audience has sort of been tainted are they kind
00:31:39
of magical because it's it's just regular people from around the country sometimes they're at LAX oh I heard
00:31:45
about this Comedy Club so they're from all around the country but they have a normal sense of what is appropriate you
00:31:50
even do R when it gets like triple X it's like okay because you have a comedian then you have a magician and
00:31:57
then you follow the magician do you have any funny stories following a magician because I have a couple no no tell me
00:32:03
well it was just great Scott I think it was his name yeah and he had the birds in his jacket you see him getting ready
00:32:09
and he's pretty I don't want to know how his jacket is stuffed well one night you're bringing them out and then they
00:32:14
fly to the cage and went like that and it was either suffocated or not I just laid there the other thing is you're
00:32:21
about to go on he's saying good night and he puts the birds they fly and they go in the cage and then they lower it
00:32:26
down he takes the thing off hey they've disappeared they're all squished in the bottom they're alive but there's birds
00:32:32
and then you've got ladies and gentlemen yeah I remember working with I remember this magician was out in front of me and
00:32:40
his first five minutes was awful and I said you know your last couple of jokes are pretty funny I want you with
00:32:46
those in the front oh no no because because I know nobody listens when you first got on stage so I do my worst material up front
00:32:53
well that doesn't get them to listen and he never went anywhere yeah a lot of
00:33:00
guys telling you things you kind of go and then just a comedy teacher but I just know so many Comics that rock it to
00:33:06
the middle because the ACT is so filthy you know and they kill right and then they go how why am I headlining or crowd
00:33:14
work they get dependent on crowd work yeah and then one night there's not a very good crowd to have fun with and
00:33:19
there's NBC's there and it goes up yeah I mean you there to work right joke tell joke get checked right joke this is for
00:33:25
the kids listening right now it gets into the simplest thing because you can
00:33:30
really trick yourself out I've seen a lot of self-destruction a lot of yeah not like comedians do anything to get
00:33:37
out of writing a joke yeah I'm doing a special one I just I interview people about the news and talk about their
00:33:42
problem yeah but you're a comedian you know they don't yeah the comedy special
00:33:47
now is a wider net it's not just tell jokes it's obviously turned into authenticity I will do this I will do
00:33:54
this and if there's no jokes the Applause you know they're more revered yeah by the critics because they're like
00:34:00
oh this guy didn't tell one joke this was unbelievable I guess so I mean I don't love it
00:34:06
you know what I mean it's like I see a lot of comics and if they're talking about their inner this or something I go
00:34:12
they're enter this yeah yeah you know this is not going to work at the Sand and Gravel convention
00:34:19
okay you're talking about you know I'm really
00:34:24
seeing myself tell a joke yeah that's why I always love Rodney you know I knew Rodney 40 years I have no idea who he
00:34:30
voted for I don't know if he's a republican Democrat it was just jokes walk out Crush but it was so many jokes
00:34:36
around the motif of the saddest life ever yeah I mean he made I'll watch him on YouTube sometimes just just at night
00:34:43
I'm like makes me laugh harder now because the just the idea of him yeah and his delivery and the amount of great
00:34:50
jokes and they just my favorite Rodney joke is just that he says uh
00:35:00
[Laughter]
00:35:05
she was coming home I mean he had so many of those and to memorize them all and move that quickly
00:35:12
I'll tell you around I had him on The Tonight Show in 2004. and one he goes out he's in his 80s
00:35:19
I'm okay today but last week you know and I noticed he's sweating more than normal
00:35:24
yeah and I said to Debbie I said uh our producer I said I think Rodney's having a stroke call it paramedics she goes I
00:35:31
don't think so I don't know he he was off enough that I wouldn't I you know the hand wouldn't come all the way up to
00:35:37
the tie to the tie you just got to get close we used to go oh I tell you yeah and I thought he just seemed a little up
00:35:43
so then he came over and panel he sat down and really sweaty and okay then the
00:35:49
show ends fine like and by that time the paramedics
00:35:54
show up you know and I go running can a pyramids take a look at it I think maybe he had a stroke he goes no I'm fine well
00:35:59
he did have a stroke whoa and they took him out in a Stretcher okay then a couple weeks later I get a call from
00:36:06
Joan and she says so Jay Rodney's in the coma you got to come out to the hospital oh all right so I got to gospel and
00:36:12
Randy's lying there with his eyes open and Jones has uh listen he can hear us the dog says you can hear us but he
00:36:19
can't respond so I'm telling him how much we love him and you know how great he was to all his comics and letting us work this club and all this kind of
00:36:25
stuff so then Jones says to me Jake put your finger in Rodney's hand she goes Rodney if you know it's Jay
00:36:32
try and squeeze his finger so feel just a hint of a squeeze and I went Rodney
00:36:37
that's not my finger so then so so Rodney's shoulders go like
00:36:43
this we all started laughing oh it's funny his shoulders went up he died right
00:36:51
after that but it was I mean just to get a laugh from Rodney just to get a reaction from him was uh yeah it was
00:36:57
pretty so he's so sweet I met him in New York I was nobody I hadn't even done the Mickey Rooney show hey you're having fun
00:37:03
are you having fun you having fun you know you'll see you get to the mid 50s you're like you got to have some fun at
00:37:09
this you can't just be tortured the whole time I remember my wife and I lived in the store room
00:37:14
at dangerfields well all the cans of what you lived in the store well for two
00:37:19
I was I was there for two weeks so we that's where we stayed because we couldn't afford a hotel stay here yeah
00:37:24
yeah literally here I like he's the only guy like started wearing a robe at 49 and just never went
00:37:31
back to close oh yeah yeah everyone visits him he's like he's wearing a robe I know and it's always open right yeah
00:37:38
hey he called me he wanted to do the church lady oh come on you know he's I think it was ladybug or some movie he
00:37:44
was doing oh ladybug oh come on you you give me a lot of stuff I'll come back at you anyways I want you to come out and
00:37:49
do the church lay in the movie no no on SNL no he was the only guy to fire
00:37:54
comedian from his special because they weren't dirty enough
00:38:04
he had the old specials for people listening that uh were very big and they'd have big they'd have comics on
00:38:10
their up and coming right yeah yeah Kennison yeah yeah a lot of people and then they all a lot of them blew up from
00:38:17
that yeah because that was the only game in town Kennison was a pretty remarkable
00:38:23
you know to arrive on great comic truly and original oh yeah hard to do one of
00:38:29
the meanest guys around I mean really pretty nasty to if you got along with
00:38:35
them it was okay if you're an enemy boy it was uh yeah I would just hear stories and you know you know
00:38:42
and he would come to The Comedy Store with Coke and a gun and I remember being Backstage on going you know I don't want
00:38:48
to be here when the cops come I'm a comic I'm white I don't want to get arrested you know so I just stopped going to The Comedy Store because he was
00:38:55
a bit like that what what is that animal that the horns grow when they curve and they grow into your own head and they
00:39:00
drive you crazy you know because he was I mean one show he had the hilarious bit on necrophilia but after you do that
00:39:07
where do you go you know yeah I mean he was generally really funny and and that
00:39:13
Primal scream he would give out like the wicked witch or something yeah but it
00:39:20
really came from a frightening play because I mean if you do it it's a funny screen this is like oh my God it was
00:39:27
almost no and then he would follow with the cackle yeah yeah you know why there's no God and you take
00:39:33
off his Beret and he's bald he's screaming and putting it into the right he was preacher he was a preacher
00:39:39
but he was he was really funny but really dark burned out quickly yeah I
00:39:46
would like your opinion on speaking of great Comics was Rickles in a way the
00:39:51
funniest guest to have on The Tonight Show is he funny with you Don Rickles
00:39:57
Rickles was obviously but the trouble near the end was well near the end we
00:40:02
had the Ed well not the last couple we had to edit it because he would come out and he'd look at the man and go and Kevin's stealing the hubcaps you know
00:40:08
and I hope she's still doing that yeah and the band was mostly black you know and they would just go I mean Kevin
00:40:17
didn't go along with this at all and he was just like yeah so we have to kind of edit it yeah so there was a lot of that
00:40:23
you know and a black guy and a white guy in him in his act I I just liked his stuff that was no real joke Ed does
00:40:29
another showstop I'd give him a cookie and put him in the corner right right give him a cookie put them in the corner right like what where is this joke well
00:40:35
to me the funny part was funny that was something I learned you can't swear on TV so come up with something that's
00:40:42
funnier than swear word yeah like I remember in Letterman I would say uh David go to the remember doing a thing
00:40:48
about going to the carnival and there'd be some sort of shirtless syphilitic Druid running and they would go shirtless the footage Druid that's right
00:40:55
David and The Druids on the inside Oh yeah and when we go off on a tangent and we'd
00:41:01
have a lot of funny material but it rather just calling somebody an [ __ ] come up with a funnier word I was never
00:41:08
offended by obscenity in comics I'm just do you have something more creative I
00:41:13
mean get something else I mean it's what it's not a punch line but a lot of people just use it as well I tell I see
00:41:19
young Comedians and they're using because we're PG-13 they're using [ __ ] a lot not even as a punchline and and I
00:41:27
said and then they get to a joke and that is the punchline so you've already used up all the fox you can't you've got
00:41:32
to save them at least in order to follow new heart came in to uh see somebody at a comedy store another up-and-coming
00:41:38
person who became quite famous and I'm I'm sitting there with them you
00:41:43
know and the guy goes out this guy oh huge Applause comes on stage he goes where are you from guy goes Denver [ __ ]
00:41:50
Denver huge laugh and Bob knew how it looks to be straight face I don't get it
00:41:56
where you from Boston [ __ ] Boston people laughing I I don't I don't get it
00:42:03
you know well it's only funny that it's so bad it's like that's his act he was the funniest to me I remember one
00:42:10
of my favorite lines when I was a kid he had a bit about um the first astronaut to make uh
00:42:18
extraterrestrial contact in space with a nailing yeah you know so he says the
00:42:25
whole thing about the astronaut Lane there's a press conference someone says halting delivery yeah yeah someone says
00:42:31
how far out of it how far ahead of us are these aliens and what goes um about six weeks and you
00:42:39
realize it's the perfect because two weeks you can catch up to six months will never get here but six weeks is
00:42:47
never quite a temperature but you know you're just it just it was just so subtle it's just like a slider it's just
00:42:53
a slider how far ahead of us about six weeks and I think Alan was the really
00:42:58
influenced by that when she's she had to talk to God yeah a bit that was brilliant and like five minutes long and
00:43:04
a new heart would get on the phone and do the King Kong he's a rather large monkey whatever right right it's just
00:43:10
and no one had sort of wrist stammer too she would yeah yeah so it feels like
00:43:15
it's spontaneous I remember bringing Johnny in to see Ellen because I had told her about him he said
00:43:21
I'll come down so he came down down to the Improv and watched her and like yeah Johnny came down yeah yeah I saw here it
00:43:27
says Johnny more mysterious like this idea Johnny out in public because he was yeah Johnny Carson I read this said
00:43:33
Steve Martin was the first one to introduce Johnny to Jay at one of your gigs so I couldn't believe a Steve
00:43:38
Martin's involved and Johnny came to the clubs I didn't even think of that oh he did yeah I remember Altman used to do
00:43:44
Carson oh Jeff Altman yeah and right so Johnny came down to Comedy so I snuck around
00:43:49
back while almost on stage he went on stage and tapped him on the shoulder and Altman turned around I mean he was like
00:43:56
oh my am I gonna get fired well I never get to show I mean he looks like frightened to death sure it was hilarious it was hilarious yeah no
00:44:03
Johnny Johnny Like Comics he really liked Comics a lot you know I didn't
00:44:10
like Bob Hope he was rail on bus because Bob Hope never accepted the that Johnny
00:44:16
had the throne at some point like no it wasn't that it was the fact that Johnny hate the fact every joke Bob Hope had
00:44:22
was written right that he never ad-libbed anything I'll tell you a funny Bob Hope story I had him on the show he
00:44:28
was close to a hundred and he wouldn't wear his hearing aids he wouldn't wear glasses yeah okay so
00:44:35
they he goes I got 10 jokes Jay uh you just asked me and I'll give you the answer okay he said but he couldn't hear
00:44:44
him he just had the punchline memorized program they had Bob Hawkins Hey Bob what do you think it sounds though blah
00:44:49
blah big laugh go to the sound this is working hey Bob how about salsa blah
00:44:55
blah blah blah I get to the third one like and I went oh man that was funny
00:45:00
blah blah
00:45:14
I remember once uh being in the hall at NBC and I see these guys walk by with a
00:45:21
cue card literally the size of your backdrop with hello written on it and because Bob Hope couldn't see but what
00:45:29
happened was they would drop the cue cards right in front of Bob and his hair would go
00:45:36
so every time he told the joke you see his hair move because the cue card came down and the wind would go because the
00:45:42
car was like a giant fan it was so huge yeah yeah it's really funny when you hosted SNL you probably could
00:45:50
have done any time but it says he did an 86. was it a fun experience or just something to do right
00:45:55
I liked it I was amazed how unsupportive other writers were
00:46:02
like I remember being in rehearsal and I said to somebody I think everybody laughs the writers
00:46:09
don't laugh the other guy's stuff I go really that just seemed it seemed
00:46:15
really competitive yeah I mean to the point of pitting one I mean I learned that when I when I hired writers on my
00:46:21
show I just said look you're hired for a year don't worry about 13. we just just write whatever you want okay and give it
00:46:28
to me and I'll try to make a joke out of it we'll figure out you know so yeah you have five guys right essentially the
00:46:35
same joke and each one thought they did the punch line you know yeah and well it
00:46:40
just made more comfortable everybody wasn't on pins and needles I just remember being in that it seemed like such a pressure cooker that well you did
00:46:46
it you know I did it Dana 86 were you there or you came right after you were I came fall of 86 you went on in February
00:46:53
86. so you were the the cast the year before with Randy Quaid and this and that was kind of a yeah I guess
00:46:59
difficult here but yeah it's a Game of Thrones thing if you're all around a table if it's in comedy stand up you're
00:47:06
gonna get your set your friend gets his set but sometimes your friends skit goes on then they have no room for yours it's
00:47:12
inherently a very bizarre situation right right but the idea that I wouldn't laugh it your joke because it's you know
00:47:18
it's like I see that now it's why I took politics out of my act because you do a Biden joke and they wait for the punch
00:47:25
is this Pro or again or it's against Biden uh okay they wait to hear which way the
00:47:30
joke is going this is tricky so now I just try to make it so silly that
00:47:35
there's no point right exactly the pirate Pirates of Caribbean yeah but
00:47:42
I think now they just either take attack against Trump and it's a little easier to go
00:47:47
because Trump was getting laughs just while he's running well Trump supporters know he's funny yeah and a little
00:47:53
unhinged he's I mean and he's just funny you used to be able to say you hear Trump today and they start laughing so
00:47:59
once that got hooked in some just gave up on the other side just said if I can just make fun of this guy
00:48:05
it's just always gonna get laughs and then they don't play it as equal as you used
00:48:10
to do or even Johnny you know it was it was so funny we used to get there's no Venom we used to get kudos because you
00:48:15
made fun of both sides yeah that's right now you get attacked because uh hey pick a side you know well no that's not my
00:48:23
job here let me do it that my trump I do now for you because it'll be like going back in time this would be the bit it
00:48:28
would be on your card right so trying to ride the middle Trump always sounds like he's uh pitching a family vacation we're
00:48:35
going to be doing a lot of things let me tell you we're going to be going a lot of places you're going to like it you're gonna love it many people don't want to
00:48:41
go but we're going to go anyway because we don't know how to go and we can do it all the time and so that would be an
00:48:47
example of just anyone who likes Trump or hates Trump would just knows that's just sounds like him because he he never
00:48:53
runs he doesn't have a subject matter it's all just he can just keep going yeah I I do the same thing like I said
00:48:59
it is the thing I saw this political science Professor on the news he said he'd analyze all of Donald Trump's
00:49:05
speeches and he said Donald Trump talked at a fifth grade level or below and when
00:49:10
they told Trump this he called the professor a duty head and it's such a silly stupid joke I
00:49:17
think it's a little easier my observation conservatives maybe not are
00:49:22
as serious and people my conservatives are very I will laugh at themselves more
00:49:27
than Democrats it's all very hey wait a minute you know you why are you making fun of him he said no I'm on your side
00:49:34
don't worry about it just I would do George W bush in Texas and they would be laughing their asses yeah you know
00:49:40
um but it's fun to try to make the Liberals laugh yeah when they can't not laugh right right you know I wanted to
00:49:46
ask Jay about the uh not to interpreting the uh we were talking about panel a second ago because you were saying
00:49:51
that's a bit I think people at home don't know what a how hard it is to go on a talk show it's called panel when
00:49:57
you sit and talk to the host or how it's a little bit constructed and they think everyone just walks out and just starts
00:50:04
talking I know and it's supposed to look like that and that's I think everyone is still bluffed that it is like that you
00:50:10
should have my uncle on he's really funny what does he do he's really just have them on yeah put your uncle on what
00:50:16
does he do no it's really good and they never do they never tell you what because don't you run into problems with
00:50:22
probably bigger stars that just say hey I'm thinking of a few names I won't say
00:50:27
but they don't do a pre-interview but they're going to be great right it's always tough right yeah they never are
00:50:32
yeah just never know what you're getting and I think people at home go oh this
00:50:37
guy's a superstar but to extract and it's always unfortunately leans toward comedy like they they like a funny story
00:50:45
of course they like it lighter and this and that usually they plug a movie they have to talk about the movie and that
00:50:50
sort of Flatline I always like it when they write it out first and then
00:50:55
memorize it and you can tell it's written so I exclaimed okay now first of all you don't exclaim no one nobody yeah
00:51:04
no but I mean they write it out and then they they memorize it you know you remember the time I think it was Joaquin
00:51:10
Phoenix by love I think was he telling you a story about his motorcycle broke down or was it
00:51:16
Keanu or somebody and Keanu I think yeah and then he goes I broke down and this and you go did you ever go back and get
00:51:22
it and he goes I don't know Jane you go did this happen to you and he goes no it's my friend's
00:51:27
story he told me he tried to act like it was a story but he goes I didn't know what to talk about here and but that
00:51:33
sort of let people in on oh I had Joaquin Phoenix on the show it was pain in the ass
00:51:39
um he was into that cool performance all he's doing I think back then yeah yeah and I at the end of the show I said well
00:51:46
listen the uh good seeing you hope he can come back sometime and do it in person you know
00:51:51
you know so his his manager or somebody he is a genius to understand it's a joke
00:51:58
okay I said well don't come back I don't care he was terrible he didn't try he was too cool for the room you always get
00:52:04
that that's my favorite guess the goal is and I have to leave after my
00:52:10
and then I come off and they're still backstage talking in the hall I said you know you could have been out there
00:52:15
interacting with the other guests what my manager said it's better if it looks people think you have somewhere to go
00:52:21
all right I just felt it was rude to go on and not be prepared I I know yeah and
00:52:27
you would always thank me and I maybe think well isn't everyone doing this you go yeah thanks for preparing yeah
00:52:33
everything matters Steve Martin said I used to watch Steve Martin and say works on Martin Short works on it just you
00:52:39
just go everything's an audition some people might have seen me for the very first time I go on your show yeah and if
00:52:45
you don't bring something if you're sort of riding on your last movie there this guy's not funny yeah that's what I
00:52:50
always a lot of times I'll go to Flappers and I'll talk to comics and they'll go I've never done the same set
00:52:56
twice I pride myself geez well that's why it's not really that funny it's not working it's a matter of just paring it
00:53:02
down it it's Groundhog Day you keep getting the best version of it that you can make it Tighter and Tighter do you
00:53:09
have bits for that live for a while and then all of a sudden you think of two more tags and then you do the bit to me
00:53:16
it becomes very new if you just add something right it's like oh they expand it feels brand new exactly you know I
00:53:23
tell more stories because there's in my case uh I'm not the most Innovative comedian oh
00:53:30
yes you are um that when you do stories about your life yourself it's less e it's it's
00:53:38
harder to sound like someone else so yeah nobody else can steal it yeah and you're just doing like this is my interpretation of but even if I did
00:53:45
Dennis Miller did a 7-Eleven joke and when I started they're like don't do jokes about Jeopardy or 7-Eleven
00:53:50
McDonald's and I go well if you're doing the same joke don't but like Dennis has his angle on it and it's funny and then
00:53:57
if you put your spin it seems to be it still works to me because they're common denominators
00:54:02
that's the people forget that's why they do those jokes I did a Jeopardy bit and when I used to do props like uh this
00:54:08
this hack over here Dana um you're a big problem Oh I had a trunk I had a I had a suitcase and so I had a
00:54:15
mini xylophone right like a kid's one right carded that [ __ ] thing through
00:54:20
JFK just to go with a little stick Jeopardy hey and answer the question then I go
00:54:30
okay pins down could you just do it with your mouth then eventually I eventually I just said that well you know that's
00:54:36
why I travel alone because that's why funny stuff comes you know because you're forced to yeah I mean I was in
00:54:43
Hamilton have you played up there in Canada yeah
00:54:49
I'm in a hotel that's on the highway this we don't know I don't have a rental car and across the street is like a
00:54:56
little mini mall it's like I'll walk over the mini mall and it's not a dollar store gather jokes yeah so I'm sitting
00:55:03
there so I go in this cafeteria place and I'm on the hamburger and I see this guy looking at me you know guy about 26 27.
00:55:11
he goes hey you that's a gene you know yeah yeah yeah I
00:55:16
hey can I talk to you uh yeah yeah come on sit down yeah stop talking to him he says uh and he's
00:55:22
him and I know he wants to ask me something like oh oh what did he want he goes hey uh you know when you watch uh
00:55:28
those Pro commercials they're on TV you know you see those commercials with girls taking a shower I said yeah
00:55:33
he goes uh do they have any clothes on those commercials and I said so I said
00:55:39
uh well you know my friend that's what he does he shoots those commercials and no legally you can't say you're taking a
00:55:46
shower and have clothes on because they could sue you so they have to be naked when they do the commercials he goes oh
00:55:51
oh really yes all right he's this guy getting all worked up over these Pro commercials you know I said oh yeah yeah
00:55:57
in fact my friend must he probably auditions 10 15 girls a day and he has to watch him take a shower and he's
00:56:03
going oh wait I want to be quite a job yeah yeah but I mean he takes these there's no fooling
00:56:09
around no he goes no I wouldn't I would be very serious but that was his Show Business question
00:56:17
of all things not even a good shampoo it's not even
00:56:23
like an upper I was into Pearl gig that involves Canada so I'm flying to Seattle to play Comedy Underground they meet me
00:56:30
at the airport and I go oh you're not playing Comedy Underground tonight you're playing playing Kelowna Canada and I had like three hops to Kelowna so
00:56:37
then I'm playing a disco right and they're all dancing the lights and everything then they throw me on the Disco floor just death horrified dead
00:56:45
silence you remember when you and I did the wedding oh God that was oh let's talk about that next yeah anyway when I
00:56:51
got out a guy felt sorry for this Canadian guy says Hey next thing you're here you know do a bad one guys come in
00:56:57
at the bathroom the wet stains on their trousers that always gets them that was his advice
00:57:04
[Music] so anyway Jay and I played a Millionaire's wedding yeah with Rod
00:57:10
Stewart who got a million to close at least if I got that right something like that but it was uh well how would you
00:57:17
describe it well first of all it's just people eating it's a wedding everybody's
00:57:22
talking uh I go on bomb I've never seen the audience is like a hundred feet away
00:57:28
yeah but they're not even it's all looking it's a lot of this
00:57:48
they never even looked up they never applauded oh I walked in I think it was
00:57:53
David Crosby with a guitar and the foyer singing at crosfields and Nash hits and people were walking in front just
00:57:59
ignoring him talk to my old man back to him having a drink who's that guy yeah well corporate gigs are the funniest
00:58:05
because you're getting paid to bomb basically right and they try they try their best they sometimes they say but I
00:58:12
think there's these people that make ton of money then they're the CEO and then they look around and they say Leno or
00:58:18
Carvey is my favorite comic I'm the boss now I can have them just come to our show and that's such a power move I
00:58:25
think it's fun for them and they get to meet you and sometimes they're actually really good I
00:58:32
you might find this funny Jay it must have happened to you but sometimes they they want the entrance to be exciting in
00:58:37
a corporate and I always tell them only buys me seven seconds right so it's a car thing we're gonna put you in the
00:58:43
go-kart yeah you're gonna drive them on stage or they're gonna drop you in with a harness so if you had any of those I
00:58:49
just died I like them when they think they know you go out you tell like two
00:58:54
jokes and then you talk about the company for a little bit and explain what we do and then you know go back and
00:59:00
do it I go oh no let me just do the joke oh no no no guys it's a deal breaker okay you know correlation please welcome
00:59:07
Frank Sinatra and then he talks they don't want to hear him sing yeah that's what it is you know you can't do that I
00:59:14
I just get a lot of those yeah yeah it's hard to incorporate they think it's easy if you could do about 10 or 15 just
00:59:19
about our company like 10 or 15 minutes about your boring company right exactly I don't know
00:59:25
anyone here I don't know how it works I don't know I'll tell you a great story I had a guy in the show he was the first blind person to climb
00:59:34
Mount Everest this guy was incredible shape but he's he's blind and he you know okay sounds like a joke no no it's
00:59:41
a real thing so he comes out and he does and he's very good you know so he says are you doing a lot of motivational
00:59:46
speaking is that he goes yeah yeah I go well that's pretty good money and
00:59:51
he goes yeah but I tell you I I hate to go away because because he goes to these
00:59:58
things you know and he does the whole thing about clang on like and clinging on him he's only gone to an icy Rock he
01:00:04
doesn't know if it's day or night sleet is hitting him it takes him like three months to go step by step and he says
01:00:11
inevitably when he does the meet and greet people come up and they shake his hand they go you know I was going to
01:00:16
climb Everest last summer but you know the kids got soccer and the wife's got things to do but yeah I'm gonna do it
01:00:22
one of these days and he's like [ __ ] he's just sieving with rage he's
01:00:27
clinging out of this mountains and then people just take it for granted
01:00:34
oh yeah yeah yeah you know I was going to do Everest but uh we always get that two people go you know I was going to do
01:00:40
comedy for a while but then I decided I want to get into a vacuum sales you know okay how do you come up with that that uh
01:00:47
that Saturday Night Live stuff that must be a kick right you know all these vague questions yeah yeah what's that like
01:00:53
yeah so what's the funniest thing you've ever said right that's the funniest thing oh no okay right away You're Dead
01:01:00
there's nothing nothing's gonna be fine or this one I don't know if you can use this it's like it's like a nine minute wind up to a joke yeah and it's like a a
01:01:07
hugely racist yeah all right do you yeah I bet you hate when people come and talk to you I'm
01:01:14
like well I'm not going to tell you that but I'll tell the next person yeah yeah Bert Lancaster tried to give me a joke
01:01:20
once
01:01:31
and they're going to give them a test so the reason was I'll give you a test see if you're smart enough to play football
01:01:36
uh this is three plus two and then the dumb guy says five and the coach goes give them another try
01:01:44
does it make sense the coach is dumber than the player yeah the coach is dumb and they're playing sorry I I lost bird
01:01:50
at the end give him another try we have their older demo does that work
01:01:55
in your act uh no Kirk Douglas stole it Jay how many times a day do you post a tick tock I
01:02:02
don't I don't post anything you know some I don't post that answer I didn't even do Twitter I told one joke on
01:02:07
Twitter somebody thought it was funny the joke was uh when I had my motorcycle accident
01:02:13
you know yeah I said what happened I was riding my bike I came around the corner and I slammed into Jeremy running a
01:02:18
snowman snowmobile yeah yeah and it got a big laughing and then I I you know you
01:02:25
know when you when you Google you whenever you're mentioned yeah and I see Leno makes fun of Rena's accident Leno
01:02:33
laughs at the pain no I didn't no I never even my I said I I I crashed into
01:02:38
a snowmobile you know yeah and it just and then I'm it's a tough world out there Leno should apologize shut up
01:02:44
Jesus did you see any jokes about your accident that you thought were funny
01:02:57
I actually I barely know Jeremy Renner so I said I hope you know descending it
01:03:03
was it was terrible right when it happened you're like holy [ __ ] I hope he pulls out of this he wouldn't wish that
01:03:08
anybody and then about and then when he said he's doing okay and it'll be all right you know probably under play the
01:03:15
severity but I think I knew him barely enough that I had a picture of a snow cone at dinner and I was buzzed and I said hey can you
01:03:22
get this thing out of this I don't know it was something about a snowflake yeah I had a snow cone and they brought me a
01:03:28
dessert and then I did some joke and sent it to him anyway it went over so we got he's in the hospital but he gets a
01:03:33
picture of a snow cone from David Spade and the byline is and I dm'd him it and what was the joke I said I can you uh
01:03:41
can you uh get rid of this for me or something about a snow something anyway
01:03:46
it was really well written and tight and then um yeah and then we have Gia we have Jeremy Renner on the line he
01:03:53
offended I said I heard what Jay said that was shitty dude I switched it back to Jay real quick people are shooting
01:03:58
sounds but now no he was very cool about it just just the long stories I can't write a joke and uh let's move on
01:04:06
social media so I get these new agents I go into the inner sanctum like Ned Beatty and network right
01:04:12
he says it's all social media it's all direct to Consumer and there's comedians Outside the Lines there's no NBC sitcom
01:04:18
there's no Tonight Show there's nothing they're creating their own ecosystem they're making doing giant specials and
01:04:24
they're playing all over the world so that's this new new thing you don't need it because you're Jay Leno yeah you
01:04:31
don't need eggs I like well right joke tell joke get check it's real simple and I said to myself
01:04:37
you know they they offer you the specials I could go okay I could work 10
01:04:43
gigs 20 gigs and make the same money and still own the material because once you
01:04:48
put it out there it's it's gone yeah and when you show clips of it on video that's the under 40 crowd is that that's
01:04:55
all they pass around and people send me little clubs 20 25 second Clips so you
01:05:00
go to the ice house you have to get a camera you do your set then you just get Clips out right and a lot of Instagram
01:05:06
people a lot of people are doing stand up as a fetish as a part of their brand so the Dual will stand up they'll do the
01:05:13
20 second Clips can almost anyone can kill for 20 seconds yeah and then so it's it's not grumpy old man stuff it's
01:05:18
just this is what's the technology has and you also burn material so now a new thing is they do crowd work which
01:05:24
doesn't help you when you go to real show because you don't want interaction usually most Comics won't do their
01:05:30
acting when they're sort of make it okay to do crowd work because that's something that just happened when they
01:05:35
film an hour set they go in the ground if they get one thing that works they post it but then when people come see
01:05:40
them they start interrupting them and that's tough because you don't want to burn a real joke so you happen to come
01:05:47
up with something with the crowd and then post I don't have jokes I don't have here guys I can do fouchy and just
01:05:52
sort of go for 10
01:05:59
I had one I did one when I was 27 I go hi everybody I'm 27 but I read at a 29
01:06:04
year old level right killed okay I met my wife at 19 I raised her as one of my
01:06:09
own okay that's about all I got you those are jokes yeah but I I admire joke joke
01:06:15
writers that can come up with that their brain Dennis Miller it's funny when you write it I mean here's a joke that I've
01:06:22
been doing I love this joke I said go to Best Buy looking for washer and dryer right the guy goes let me show you a new
01:06:29
line of smart washers and dryers what makes them smarter because I got Wi-Fi
01:06:34
I said you know I don't need Wi-Fi I'm in Washington and dryer okay because it's value added it's included in the price when you buy the top of the line
01:06:40
model you get the Wi-Fi for free I said I'm fine so by the wash and dryer the Wi-Fi for the last two weeks I'll walk
01:06:47
around with damp underwear because I forgot my password and that gets it you know yeah and it's
01:06:53
a joke that works across every age group yeah because young people you know if
01:06:58
you're under 40 you get it you get the connection with your computer and you gotta go you know I mean yeah it's just
01:07:04
it just works it's just yeah it's fun when you have a joke that works across the board yeah and works every time yeah
01:07:09
yeah and it's clean yeah exactly you can do it anywhere yeah yeah because it's amazing the two Americas always amazes
01:07:17
me yeah because I go to places and I meet people I go boy this is a trump crowd but I like these people
01:07:23
you know the blue collar you know they they work hard they got families they're
01:07:28
happily married and I I mean I like you know I don't drink I don't smoke I don't gamble I'm pretty conservative that way
01:07:34
so I identify with that part of it I might not identify with the political part of even the religious part but so I
01:07:42
just keep it down the middle and this way you make money from both sides yeah yeah I feel like I can play to any Crowd
01:07:48
Oh you can't play you play any you and I pass each other constantly on the road yeah either you were just there yeah or
01:07:55
you're just coming here yeah one of this backstage person said to me uh well I don't know right before the she
01:08:02
talked about you specifically how relaxed you were and she said he's one of the most confident people I've ever
01:08:08
met no I think because you're so in shape you're never not in shape as a performer because I remember even as a
01:08:15
young performer and I would open for you and you'd just be in a chair by the stage and a lot of in those days you had
01:08:21
a pipe oh yeah you know and you're just like so relaxed because you've been on stage been doing your act you know and
01:08:28
then I come off stage and you just said to me and you were right you said you're gonna need some more jokes because I
01:08:35
didn't have any jokes I was more of a sketch player organically um then I got on Saturday Night Live and
01:08:41
I the rest is history yeah do you use a set list you never do do you no I know
01:08:47
baby I'm dyslexic so I don't have anything written down Jesus it's hard to remember a whole hour
01:08:52
well I don't I if something gets a laugh I just remember it and it yeah it just Bill
01:08:59
Burr doesn't write anything down he said he just he goes out every night and he's hitting three stages yeah but that's
01:09:04
what I mean to me because the stage is not a normal place to be okay and if you're not on stage for two weeks it's
01:09:11
like it's true well this is what you you you're tripping over your work I mean it should be second nature I mean what I
01:09:18
used to do and I still do it sometime I'll try to write a letter with my hand while I'm
01:09:23
doing my acts not in front of an audience but to see if I can compartmentalize and so that way I can
01:09:31
I can be thinking of what I'm going to say to the you know the guy that's heckling me while I'm doing my act because you know it's like doing the
01:09:37
pleasure I pledge at least the United States of America and you can do something while you're saying that because it's a part you know it so well
01:09:43
yeah yeah and the same thing with with comedy so if I can write a letter with this hand while I'm doing my ACT it's
01:09:49
just a good way to practice yeah you're right you do have to desensitize to the whole concept here he is and be funny
01:09:55
now and everyone's looking at you this is kind of out of nowhere but did you ever meet like early as snow people like
01:10:00
Belushi or Gilda yeah I picked Belushi up at the airport he had been on
01:10:06
Saturday Night Live I went with Bud Friedman he was coming to The Improv well I didn't know him that well I just
01:10:12
you know he was like a crazy you know just you know drugs I just wasn't that
01:10:18
guy you know but I mean I certainly liked him and admired him yeah yeah it must have been huge at that point oh
01:10:23
yeah yeah you got big fast that was the first year yeah and you played all the club in La for our fans out there it was
01:10:30
The Comedy Store it's Coke and Pepsi in a way and then it was The Improv Laugh Factory came in later yeah and you
01:10:37
played everywhere of course yeah we did all I painted the roof of the Improv but bought the building whose store you
01:10:43
lived in a storage room and you painted a roof you were busy Yeah Yeah well yeah I always tell the story I've been
01:10:49
telling lately about when I first came to La I would live in open houses I'd go on an open house you'd see like
01:10:56
open house 12 to four so I go at 3 30 I walk through the house I go thank you
01:11:02
goodbye I'd slam the front door then I duck in the closet you know and then the realtor would stick around for another
01:11:08
20 minutes lock up and leave this is before cars houses had a long time so and I would just live in the house for
01:11:14
two or three days and one day I was I mean I was one of the house was clever you want the houses that belonged to one
01:11:20
of the Beach Boys it was on Coldwater I can't I'm sleeping here and I hear the realtor now this is the bedroom but I
01:11:27
was sleeping in the bed and this woman screams you know mommy there's a kid get the children out of here what are you
01:11:33
doing here I'm sorry I cannot count that's the only time I got caught but I lived at houses on Outpost in Bel Air I
01:11:39
don't try and find and I never stole anything of damage anything I was made to bed I just didn't have any place to
01:11:45
live so I did I come in Full Circle I like Chris rocks lying you know I go I make millions but I identify as poor
01:11:50
right yeah and you it seems like I mean when was do you remember the first time time he made a million dollars because I
01:11:57
remember you started to explode as a stand-up yeah in the mid 80s or
01:12:03
something from from your Letterman shots probably yeah yeah and so you were doing you were really doing well we don't have
01:12:08
to give the numbers but you started to really go well it was at that point it's doing good yeah first million is a big
01:12:14
big deal it is a big deal feels like you're doing something feels like okay I can do this job you are doing something
01:12:20
yes exactly yeah yeah it didn't come easy no when I stand up when I think
01:12:25
about unless you're a savant maybe like Eddie Murphy for the rest of us and even Louis CK it took 20 years really to
01:12:31
become Louis CK yeah but you know something you had a good time all the way so it never oh yeah well once you're
01:12:37
in Show Business once I didn't have to be a waiter and this is my job right right I was the most exciting thing ever
01:12:44
that's right I never thought you know I just had a series of little breaks as opposed to some huge people what was
01:12:50
your big break well it wasn't I you know before I did car person I did weight on flowers and Madam
01:12:58
remember the dinosaur I don't know why I thought this was so funny
01:13:03
welcome to the show thank you very much thank you Dana how you doing talking about she says tell about your family
01:13:09
hello and I have a brother who's 10 years older okay and I was like 23 24
01:13:15
this time okay and I said you have any old assist hi
01:13:21
everyone's sister she's 85. holy [ __ ] I've never met anybody with a
01:13:26
sister I didn't have any friends
01:13:32
she said wow that's so funny yeah
01:13:38
I don't know why I thought that was a solar because you always think of it you're 16 your brother's 19 25. the fact
01:13:45
that and of course dinosaurs and all those people maybe she's 60 maybe she's four I don't know how old she was makeup
01:13:52
you know and just the fact that I'm this young and you have an 85 year old I just
01:13:57
it just I couldn't by the way you probably didn't know how old she was at all like I don't know anyone on TV how
01:14:02
old they were I never even thought of them they're just a person on TV yeah right and then your age you go holy [ __ ] they were all old when you're growing up
01:14:09
because they were coming from radio and movies it was Jack Benny right he made jokes about Bob hope I didn't know he
01:14:15
was like I never met I would have loved to met Benny uh he yeah he was my all-time favorite just just the best I I
01:14:22
knew hope a little bit and I did some things with him and he was very nice but he wasn't a comedian he's a funny guy
01:14:27
and he could sing and dance and you know he could do it all and you know kept all the writers on staff but not an ad Libra
01:14:34
guy like no like new heart nobody funny no and I I don't know if this is true but you always wander behind the scenes
01:14:40
i i people told me that Jack Benny was just the most generous comedian yeah
01:14:45
like he would be in the wings and really laughing isn't he great you know just that type of person yeah it's nice to
01:14:52
hear you know Crosby used to be that way you know I I remember I was saying huh
01:14:58
no Bill Cosby oh Bill Bill oh yeah I
01:15:03
remember got sick so they're bringing Bill Cosby
01:15:10
in I said oh well I guess because no no have Leno open that'll be fun and oh my
01:15:16
name was as big as his on the Marquee I mean all these things he didn't have to do he's very nice yeah you know and you
01:15:23
know he had two girls with him which that sounds like none of them
01:15:29
appetizers yeah Chris Rock wanted to see him one time or Adam and we all flew out
01:15:34
to Vegas and uh I think this is before the [ __ ] show but we all went out there probably Kevin
01:15:40
James Rock Sandler Maybe two others and then we watched him he did about two hours right and went back
01:15:45
and talked to him it was probably the end of the era of like the old exciting scene Cosby talking to he's talking now
01:15:52
he's uh younger comics and giving us time which you used to do to I worked at Vegas once and uh you let me come down
01:16:00
from the Riviera I was probably opening for Jackie Vernon
01:16:07
but someone you invited down and he said is it okay if this other comic comes he said sure and we went to Caesar or
01:16:13
something and you bought us all breakfast at midnight oh that's funny Jay was good about that oh he's letting
01:16:19
the comics come one thing about the you know competition thing that never ends and it just made me laugh so hard I was
01:16:25
doing Washington State and play the field house so it's kind of Mom and Dad day or something so you're gonna get a
01:16:32
lot of people right but Cosby had played their the year before and I guess he did ten thousand so the promoter said that
01:16:38
Cosby had called and wanted to know what numbers I got he said don't tell me you got more than about six thousand you
01:16:45
know it was really into Phoenix well you know what's funny I remember I had Joey Bishop of the tonight showings
01:16:51
now competitive yeah with Regis but that's another story well hey here you go here you go this is certainly he
01:16:57
comes out and he do his vision he's funny on the panel so I say well Joey
01:17:03
good seeing you okay my next guest very funny comedian uh please welcome Louie Anderson so Louie's doing stand up he's
01:17:09
getting big laughs you know and I feel this tug hey hey you think that's funny
01:17:14
or what I did I go one well you think that's funny what I do I go no I said you're a
01:17:20
natural comic he's doing an act you know I'm just trying to get him to shut up because to be honest like what's going
01:17:25
on you know I can see Louie distract you know something he goes
01:17:31
and then they you think you think that [ __ ] is good you think it's good that [ __ ] yeah I'm gone um and this is post
01:17:36
rap pack all well yeah I mean yeah yeah he didn't well he was very weird like one time
01:17:43
Sinatra called and then asked him to uh to there was some kind of benefits
01:17:50
Sinatra was going to do and he couldn't do it Joey could just step in and he tells cilantro yeah buddy I gotta
01:17:56
get 50 Grand and tonight well you know
01:18:02
um but just do the king not you know I don't mean to put your feet to the fire
01:18:07
but I gotta get 50. and it was like well that was the end of it after that it was like what's he doing talk about taking
01:18:14
the TC yeah I mean Sinatra Ashley I work with him I work with Sinatra we
01:18:20
went we did Duke University right so this is like the heart of the Bible Bill College gigs yeah so I go in and I do my
01:18:26
because it was a Perry Como Invitational got sick so Sinatra said he'd fill in
01:18:31
wow so Sinatra comes down he walks out Fly Me to the Moon and whoa The Crowd
01:18:37
Goes Crazy you know and then he goes uh hey it's a nice town but where do you get a drink around here
01:18:43
nothing and you see him literally go tap the mic like maybe they didn't hear
01:18:49
me strangers and they're like oh they go crazy strangers then he does the old
01:18:55
joke about you know the I got to my hotel there was no girl in the room so they sent one up
01:19:03
and you can see the flop sweat he was like what and this was like the Christian thing yeah
01:19:10
they wanted to hear the music didn't want their stories don't want to hear about liquor I don't know anything about eating fried eggs off of hooker's
01:19:17
stomach thank you just keep keep moving yeah by the way there's a lot a lot of singers I see now
01:19:24
uh and they do patter you know they do more and more they do similar stand up
01:19:29
you know they do a song but I think they're bored with it and then they do a joke and the crowd likes it you know
01:19:34
they give them a break and then there's more of that more than between every song at a certain point like just get to
01:19:39
the you know of course I don't want to be mean but and some of the jokes work I saw Lionel Richie he's like naturally like a likable funny guy right who's
01:19:46
doing a lot of stuff and he's done stuff that's tried and true that just work you know works every night and it's great that makes it fun for him McCartney did
01:19:53
some stuff you know a little bit you know I got a few things
01:20:02
yeah Adele does it and she's funny I mean I was watching going she's a great singer I think you're 90 there yeah
01:20:10
Everyone likes you already you do a joke it's fun we have good joke writers writing yeah
01:20:17
I did a benefit with it I didn't work with them I hung out with him but not so I made the big mistake of ordering a
01:20:23
pepperoni pizza so what I got the box I'm thinking maybe the band okay you guys want to slice oh
01:20:31
we love gov but the bosses if you smell the meat on our breath we can't take it like I said why not should probably go
01:20:38
he's coming he's coming can you get that thing out of it I had to hide the pizza I'm like come on yeah I'm putting like
01:20:43
towels under the door to keep the smell of the pepperoni oh that's not pepperoni yeah I'm smelling something where are my
01:20:50
three backstage towels yeah yeah so when you because you didn't finish that were you open for Cosby was he generous with
01:20:57
you was that what you're after very nice yes very nice and he had these two girls with them like Thumper and Bam Bam you
01:21:03
know they it's just just kind of weird yeah yeah and my wife and I and he and
01:21:10
the two girls and we go out to dinner and oh I forgot is he sleeping with this like oh I guess so I don't know but they
01:21:15
were adults it's not like they were you know so to me what do I know I don't know what your situation is at home and
01:21:22
the four of us will go and do stuff and he was very nice but it just got stranger and stranger
01:21:27
eventually on The Tonight Show all the female uh Talent coordinators
01:21:32
refused to work with them because you know he'd be sitting in his box of shorts and they'd be open and they'd be
01:21:38
like oh this is not good you know it we it was very very weird yes very strong
01:21:44
very eccentric I played this casino in Central Oregon and they said Cosby would always come in two days early on a G5
01:21:51
right he couldn't be making that much in the room yeah you get a rotary old-fashioned phone in the room so you
01:21:57
could call his friends they'd have the chefs come up because he'd bring Philadelphia hot dogs in in a freezer and and explain how to cook it right and
01:22:04
a corporate dates he'd get 20 cookies on a tray and leave them outside his dressing room he'd go to a set and then
01:22:11
he would come back and count the cookies who one was missing it was not a good evening
01:22:24
they're just suddenly out there and then with some were missing it was an entrapment I don't know if this is made
01:22:30
up if Bill is listening but I like when you get crazier and more famous and so crazy you start going I need this I need
01:22:37
this [ __ ] and yeah yeah the stories I hear about people on the road and like like you said they're apologizing because they don't have my blue chips
01:22:44
and then you go what went so wrong that you're this scared and they're like we had JLo
01:22:50
whoever you know JLo not Jalen no not Jay Leno you're you're not J-Lo are you
01:22:56
you're the most low maintenance Entertainer for what I understand well I try to keep you want popcorn
01:23:03
maybe or no PopCorners right joke tell jokes dude is that your merch sells I
01:23:10
like that do you have water on stage exclusive or sometimes you have a Coca-Cola or not just water
01:23:15
you drink do I drink no don't
01:23:20
[Music] I got a question all right we got like wait before I got a lot more before I
01:23:26
let you go I want to ask one of those cars what is the most I know you don't like talk money but what is the what are your top cars you have with
01:23:33
that juicy garage well up top meaning what you mean probably expensive you
01:23:38
love the most first well I like them all I want the favorite I mean I guess the F1 McLaren would be
01:23:44
the one okay I mean I bought it 98 for 800 000 people you're out of your mind as well this one's thing I wanted and
01:23:51
the last offer I got was 20 mils I mean goddamn those videos Jackson I go to Bear Jackson every year wow those are a
01:23:58
little tricky because they do get you on the way in and way out right if you sell one there's a little Vig you got to give
01:24:03
them a little wet the beak a little bit so but it is fun to go there and and like you like people like that uh have
01:24:10
an interest I would take so many and I I'm jealous you have this place you keep
01:24:16
me because I have my dumpy garage and I live on a hill and it just it's just not the same as these Car Guys in Nebraska
01:24:21
it's flat gorgeous it's a gorgeous place it's so fun I have a duster I have an old Cherokee I've I just have cars I see
01:24:29
I think they're cool you have the Hemi uh the Hemi uh that's right the I mean uh Daytona yeah yeah I sold it and then
01:24:36
people said it was crazy they just sold it for more right I sold it to another guy and then it just over time they just
01:24:41
go up they can't help it right right and people don't realize that they were at the last bear Jackson going up so much
01:24:46
higher than I would guess it was a noticeable jump like crazy where you go this is I don't know how they're you know but
01:24:53
it'll go up it'll take longer but they'll go up well it's a good way to launder money too is that what they do
01:24:58
I'm a cartel guy I buy a car for 300 000. I sell it to another cartel guy for
01:25:04
eight hundred thousand he now has profit he can declare as income wow
01:25:09
and then the next guy sells it a loss for 200 oh I took a loss oh so I mean
01:25:15
it's a good way to hide money I don't do that but you told me once I just
01:25:20
casually that it's uh uh about the story yeah it's got a good story yeah because
01:25:26
I have a friend who collects antique bottles and digs them out of the Sierra Nevadas and right he's completely
01:25:31
connected to that prospector or those people so you get Studebaker or somewhere family car it's emotional
01:25:38
right because you're connecting to the family that took that trip oh yeah yeah that makes sense or who owned it I mean
01:25:44
sometimes yeah or it has a story sometimes I mean my favorite I you know I I had a Hudson Hornet of 53. so this
01:25:52
woman calls me 94 years old she's got a 51 Hudson horn and her husband and I bought it new in New Jersey they drove
01:25:58
out to California with their kids it's the only car they ever had he died in 96. this is back in 2005 and it's been
01:26:06
sitting from 96 to 2005. when I when I buy it I go I don't really want people
01:26:11
to come psycho out and it's not bad it's got four flat tires and you know it's it's just been sitting great so I said
01:26:19
I'll give you what do you want she goes five sorry all right I'll give you five thousand so I buy five thousand dollars take it back to the garage it takes
01:26:26
about a year and a half I get it all started I said let me call her up see she's now she's 96. okay
01:26:31
so I said I got the card I'm gonna go for a ride oh I'd love to go I gotta get my hair done this one was 96 no hearing
01:26:37
and no glasses I said okay I'm coming she goes can the kids come I said uh yeah well the kids are 72 and 74.
01:26:45
so I drive out to the place in the car and they've got her blindfolded in the driveway waiting for me you know and
01:26:51
she's like the elephant and the blind man touching the car and I take the blindfold oh it's beautiful girlfriend I'll give the kids get in the back okay
01:26:57
kids get in the back so the kids get in the back and we're driving we're talking you know meanwhile the 72 year old same
01:27:03
people stop start poking each other like this you know and the mother goes hey hey I told you and turn around starts
01:27:09
whacking the crap at him just smashing them in the face with I told you because Miss London was nice and the three of
01:27:15
them are just laughing having the time in their life she died at 106. yeah and it was just a great story I
01:27:21
mean every time I drive that car I think of those that 72 year old and say four-year-old poking each other like this you know in the back seat and she's
01:27:28
turning around just just whacking nice and that oh and then then the the two kids told me that when they were in high
01:27:35
school they were so ashamed their dad had this old car that they would have them drop them off like three blocks
01:27:40
from school and they'd walk the rest of the way because I didn't want to be seen in this old car and of course now it's a
01:27:45
classic in all that kind of stuff yeah I mean that makes for a great stuff sure some of those and and the movie Cars go
01:27:50
for a lot that Steve Martin I mean uh Steve McQueen bullet uh Mustang I think that went for five million and that was
01:27:56
like no that went for uh 3.7 yeah yeah I drove that car it was it was the most
01:28:03
beat to crap almost Mustang and being a stunt car it had holes cutting the floor you know for cameras and all that kind
01:28:09
of stuff it really wasn't worth a whole lot I mean that's a car that is worth a lot because
01:28:16
it would have gone for five million if they'd sold it a year earlier on the 50th anniversary of the movie
01:28:22
because anybody who can afford that car is probably going to be in their late 60s early 70s and now they're going to
01:28:29
be 80. okay okay now that now kids don't even know the movie anymore yeah you know so it's a whole different thing
01:28:35
there are certain things that fit in certain time you know and if they can prove it have to prove that it is what
01:28:41
it's supposed to be oh that was the real one yeah that was the real one it's like Deloreans terrible car but because of
01:28:47
the movie Back to the Future you know and you have motorcycle so do you have a favorite between the cars motorcycles
01:28:55
I mean something really hurts when you're falling off a motorcycle yeah I was like Jesus how how are these other
01:29:01
injuries right now for you I mean well I still have the broken collarbone and two broken ribs or is it just set all the
01:29:07
time or what do you mean yeah it's like as long as I don't sneeze or cough I'm funny
01:29:13
I hope so it's only been three four weeks well it's been a month since the
01:29:18
moment how do you sleep then just on your back yeah you just sleep on your back it just kind of stare at the ceiling and it's a yeah that's kind of
01:29:25
tricky I sleep for like two hours and I get up for two hours and then I'll read until I get so tired to fall asleep and
01:29:31
that's pretty sound for a couple hours never mind yeah kneecaps how are they I mean because
01:29:37
you're gonna stand on stage for standing is easy okay you know that's fine you
01:29:42
know I was doing 290s back to back the last couple of weeks and it was okay except later when you and then when you
01:29:51
need to sit down two 90s shows you know I got it I don't think people at home
01:29:57
understand it and so are you a lefty or you keep the mic in the stand mostly or no I'm left so then you just use that
01:30:04
yeah yeah well and I still use it's okay it's not not bad it's not too bad does that scary like at certain point I think
01:30:10
you could always use a stool I could use a stool I mean you can do stand-up for pretty much longer than any other job
01:30:17
yeah I don't use a stool and I don't do old jokes only because and now you've put it in
01:30:24
the audience's mind that you're old yeah you know so I just try to avoid the you know can't pee jokes and all this kind
01:30:30
of stuff so you just try to keep it yeah I don't I don't talk about young things either yeah I mean I always used to love
01:30:36
you know shamling always you make me laughing I'm seeing this chick now oh and Gary how old are you I know how old
01:30:42
is this girl you know yeah there's a certain point they don't
01:30:48
want to hear sex jokes from you know when you're when you're 26 and
01:30:53
you use the word [ __ ] oh we said it was oh okay when you're 40. oh that old guy
01:30:59
said you know yeah anything else for Jay what do you got Dana because I feel like
01:31:04
uh they can't watch him wince in pain anymore I'm all right now you're pretty good you didn't cancel it's very nice no
01:31:10
I don't care it's because even uh you know that's a big thing about Comics I go to The Comedy Store oh you want to go
01:31:15
up next these two canceled and every night I go who's canceling like show up for your goddamn game I know what else
01:31:22
do you hate canceling any what else do you have to do well you know if one person came down to see you like it's
01:31:27
like when I do the road I got sick on the road and my voice is going out and I go
01:31:32
I'll try it I told the crowd I go hey I didn't want to cancel you're all here it's packed and yeah and and I said if
01:31:40
everyone just we crank up the mic a bit and nobody laughs for an hour we can get through this yeah
01:31:45
that's my bet it only lasts for an hour do you get that part that's funny no one lasts for an hour yeah right yeah but I
01:31:54
always tell Comics somebody's always seen you for the first time yeah I remember once I had an audition for Harris at The Comedy Store yeah I love
01:32:01
it yeah oh yeah thank you to see me and I didn't get it I go why I was clean
01:32:07
well you can't work a club with jeans I go with jeans well I just I just I can
01:32:13
put on because well we came to see you do what you do at our club whoa you know I said okay come can you come back yeah
01:32:20
we'll come so I put a suit on I went back and I got the job so when you got dinged uh whatever like things didn't
01:32:26
work and or bombing at clubs or it seems to me you'd have a lot of resilience or things you'd say to yourself or was it I
01:32:34
mean because I got hurt when I bombed auditioning for SNL I followed Kennison in 83 at The Comedy Store all right
01:32:41
horrible bomb and I got ah that was my shot so I was kind of I mean I was functional but I was down for a couple
01:32:47
months I'm a huge believer in low self-esteem no it's it's a cute line I know it is
01:32:53
it's a key to success because you don't think you're the smartest person there you're always trying oh yeah that's something if I see some I mean I know so
01:33:00
many comics they did it the bit worked in Denver two years ago and they've been doing it ever
01:33:06
since and then they'll go no I did this in Denver I know it only worked once I've seen you do it five it doesn't work
01:33:12
anymore get rid of it they cannot get rid of material get thrown everything is not funny you know that's why I followed
01:33:19
prior every night and when when Richie was I mean we called him Richie prior tonight how crazy Richard Pryor yeah and
01:33:27
and he was great I mean he was the best no really and I said to Mitzi can I go
01:33:33
on after prior every night and she said yeah because nobody wanted the spot and I realized I didn't have 45 minutes I
01:33:39
had 18 minutes but I it was the tightest 18 minutes because this audience had been listening to Prior and there's just
01:33:45
boob so I just did the funniest stuff I had and I threw everything else away and you just have to have that discipline to
01:33:52
do that I mean so many guys go up and they just screw around you're there to work you have 20 minutes work come up
01:33:59
with stuff try new material you know make get tighter throw out every word that's not funny and just tighten it
01:34:05
okay I have an idea for you yeah we one of our sponsors yeah is Master Class
01:34:11
oh he should teach you master's class and and Steve Martin's on one people done one but you have a very specific
01:34:16
point of view that's really really uh would be would help people have
01:34:21
talent and discipline well yeah I mean to me Seinfeld and I have this discussion all the time uh
01:34:28
it's an art form you need to be a specific tight you're not up to the
01:34:33
score I know somebody they just get up and they screw around and they think that that's funny I Gotta Laugh yeah but
01:34:39
you had this two minute every six to nine seconds you should get a laugh I love that that's about right wouldn't
01:34:46
you say I would say yeah you should yeah like six laps a minute or more but
01:34:51
you're getting a laugh every six to nine seconds because maybe it's not a joke but it's a funny impression or it's a
01:34:56
funny manner I wanted to roll I came from watching Ron Williams yeah and he was the one like would do his thing and
01:35:03
come back to San Francisco I thought I have work to do right yeah it's like I'm going if that is the standard I have a
01:35:09
lot more work right exactly yeah that's all yeah amazing how lazy people are when I started in Arizona
01:35:15
there was uh as I said to Colin Quinn I go I started and there's no comedy scene he goes is there one now I go oh I guess
01:35:23
not really but in Arizona you know no one is doing stand-up when I started yeah so you had to really want to do it
01:35:28
because I think now it's kind of cooler it's a bigger deal you see people playing theaters Arenas so more people
01:35:35
gravitate to that and they just do whatever I always remember a comic said to me he said well you and Seinfeld you
01:35:41
guys are lucky you started during the Golden Age of Comedy when everything was funny now now there's no golden age of
01:35:48
Comedy shut up idiot yeah as if anybody has a free pass you and Seinfeld rose up
01:35:56
because you were killing it had to be good and influence you know the comics well you tried to keep it tight you know you just yeah I I don't the people that
01:36:03
don't really work at it I don't I don't why are you in this you know it's the most important thing it's the only thing
01:36:09
you do all day yeah there's something very painful I think about getting with your notes it's not painful for Jerry
01:36:15
but get in with your notes and doing the icky part the college essay part of a bit that you like it's not working
01:36:22
you know Jerry's has he's like you he's like if a joke stops working check the
01:36:28
setup right because sometimes you lose the threat of it one word's off and the whole thing unravels so there is a lot
01:36:34
it's not a part-time job if that's your job you think about it in the day you think what you observe things try to
01:36:39
scroll things down you that's a you get into it I was obsessed with it yeah I always say if I have any problems
01:36:46
I take care of them before I go on stage even if I'm right I apologize to the other person I'm angry with because I
01:36:52
don't need that in my head because I'm working you know you just want you just want to be able to yeah there's nothing
01:36:57
else more and be in a good mood yeah the last thing I say to myself before I
01:37:03
go out there is remember to have fun right you know just remember this should be fun and that that'll help the
01:37:08
audience yeah I agree sometimes I'm out there and go why am I not having fun forgot I forgot to have fun think of it
01:37:14
like torture all right well we're going to take a 20 minute break
01:37:21
this is where we say nice things yeah there's only been a few people that have uh done a talk show for that number of
01:37:28
years and done it at a high level um I guess you did a total of quarter Century 22 years 22 years uh 40 50 years
01:37:36
of a stand-up and you're still out there and you're vibrant and I was always a stand-up TV was always a joke I know
01:37:42
that was great a thing about it this you just you say I mean I can't imagine like
01:37:47
people come out here they got on a sitcom for 13 weeks this this has come
01:37:53
and canceled and then you're back to being a waiter again oh my God I can't you know at least at stand up you could
01:37:59
always hustle a buck somewhere it's its own lane yeah I mean when I was in Boston I would go into bars and they
01:38:06
didn't do comedy it was so it was like stop you war machine man was that was kind of you know yeah and I would put 50
01:38:12
bucks on the bar and I'd say the bartender let me go and tell jokes if I get a laugh give me the 50 back if I
01:38:18
don't get any left you keep the 50. and that cost me about 450. it did it did that's why you lived
01:38:25
in the storage room yeah but eventually eventually they were going that's okay you you that's okay here here's your
01:38:31
money back you know and then okay now I got I got comedy in there okay yeah thank you yeah and then you go back and
01:38:37
you emcee before you introduce the the I play delicatessens yeah I had all chips
01:38:42
around me in Arizona you do those one night it's 20 bucks if they gave you anything you go you do a set and then
01:38:50
Thursdays are the NFL Club Seeker there's Chuckles you know I did a
01:38:55
corporate as uh Bob Johnson director of sales this is so stupid this guy invented this product
01:39:02
called freshen they were called Soft moist towelettes you use after
01:39:07
defecating to avoid embarrassing rectal odor it was a big whoa it was a a wet
01:39:13
roll of toilet paper that you stuck on the wall next to toilet paper they just swipe your ass
01:39:19
with you so he brings me and he sees me he goes listen I want you you'll be Bob Johnson my director of sales I got like
01:39:26
50 ligate Rexall Distributors so I'm going to talk about the product I'll bring you on okay so I go up there and I
01:39:33
this guy's selling the he's talking about the product you know and you see that the Rexel deals are like
01:39:39
ah they're all squirm and then he goes they take take some home try it on your own family
01:39:46
nobody nobody's volunteering to take you know so they go well but first wait
01:39:51
before you make your mind let me bring on Bob my director of sales Bob come out of here so I go up there and I I do my
01:39:57
I'm getting nothing just nothing you know and then I end and he goes that was not Bob Johnson of course but Jay Leno a
01:40:04
professional comedian to hear the audience go professional Community they're all really angry right so so now
01:40:12
people are starting to go it's only please take the sample home please try it and then he starts crying and then he
01:40:17
goes look I I got like 50 Grand invested and just try it just try and take it and
01:40:23
nobody's taking it you know so I'm right and I said can I get paid you want to get paid here thanks so I
01:40:30
left with like 10 refreshing things and the guy's crying and the guy's crying yeah because yeah he lost his shirt out
01:40:37
of this deal but I just remember the guy that was not of course Bob Johnson but Jay lemon is a professional let someone
01:40:43
know that's Show Business the young funny guy you just saw yeah yeah oh oh god well thank you thank you thank you
01:40:50
gentlemen [Music] this has been a podcast presentation of
01:40:56
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01:41:01
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01:41:07
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01:41:13
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