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July 2009 I was living in a suburb um
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not far from where we are now called uh
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westm which is like one suburb over from
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point shev so when this came on the news
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it sort of captivated me and I'd never
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ever heard uh before that moment of the
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phrase suicide by cop had never heard it
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before yeah and that was that was you on
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the news so talk us through that day so
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I had a very public mental and spiritual
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breakdown um I'd broken up from a
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relationship it was unhealthy and um and
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I I helped destroy that even more and it
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blew up and I thought
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um I'll get i'll get even clearer I to
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get out of this crazy relationship I did
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something even more crazier and stupid
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and I went and sleep with somebody else
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to make sure it really exploded
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self-destruct self-destruct I wanted it
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to really explode and um I called the
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police on myself I called the police on
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myself cuz I thought I was was the
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biggest pile of crap in the world none
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one will ever forgive me for all the
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things that i' compiled I built a case
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against
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myself and all the flood gates from the
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past just burst open so it's like the
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past present future is all converging
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all at once and you're hurt scared angry
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confused and I thought I don't want to
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be alive and I thought I know I've seen
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police shoot Mary on the news right or
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wrong I'm a m that should be easy and I
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thought I deserved a violent death so I
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called the police up
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called them on myself and um ended up
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being shot in the chest at close range
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by provoking the police to shoot me
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dead I mean the the whole thing is just
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awful and there's so much to unpack here
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um you yeah I've heard the 111 I'm sorry
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for laugh I've heard the 111 call you've
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got you're wearing a t-shirt now that
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says shot bro for anyone that wants to
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watch your play or play documentary what
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documentary yeah it's on YouTube you can
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just look up shop bro you'll find it
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it's starts with the 111 call and then
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the video footage it's it's very
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difficult to watch but you hear the call
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you you call yourself and you describe
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yourself and you're wearing um like
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costume camouflage Gear Well I'm wearing
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World War II trousers from a theater
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show that I co-wrote and co- acted in
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and I'm wearing a Air Force Army trench
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coat which a good friend of mine gave to
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me as a present so I'm looking like
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somebody's having a massive mental
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breakdown who looks pretty crazy dressed
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military regalia so I was pretty much
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dressing the part and freaking the
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police out yeah so so you had a knife in
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one hand and in the other hand you had
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like a ladle covered with a teail teail
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so they think that was a gun yeah so I
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had a yeah it was a meat cleaver and a
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soup ladle wrapped in a teail and I went
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out there wanting to be just I just
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wanted it to end and I wanted this hurt
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to stop in my mind and you know the the
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police officer did say don't take
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another step and I took that step and
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guess what happens when you take that
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step when they say don't take another
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step so I got that 9 mm bullet into me
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ripped through my internal organs
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dropped me and I realized I made a
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terrible mistake yeah and you can hear
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that in the the in the the footage cuz
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there were camera cruise that made it
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there in time you you're you're yelling
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out over and over again I'm so sorry I'm
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so sorry yeah yeah and I've had quite a
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few people ask me who are you sorry to
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Rob and I had to think about it and I
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was like I think I was sorry to the
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policeman I was freaking out I was sorry
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to everybody I may have heard in my life
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growing up was just all these sories
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compounded from
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childhood so so just going back a little
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bit so that the police turn up then how
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long is is that whole
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interaction I don't know time time is
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just is blued right so so you hear this
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you're in the house you hear the sirens
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that you called on yourself and then you
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come out on the street so I called the
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police and I was wondering on myself uh
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and I was wondering why no one has come
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into the house in my mind they're going
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to burst and blow me away and that's the
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end of Rob yeah but no one was coming in
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the house and I was getting frustrated
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so I went outside onto the street and um
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yeah that's where they're outside cuz I
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did call them and they're half far away
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from you so you're on the street one's
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hiding behind a tree one's hiding behind
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the police car like 20 M 15 M yeah it's
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yeah around about 15 M and they're not
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that far away brothers and and so and do
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they do do they TR negotiate with you
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yes yeah yeah yeah this this police
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officer trying to reach out to me and
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ask me what my name is and trying to
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reach out but I'm in this full storm I
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call it the storm of suicide audiation
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where I was like don't try and reach out
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to me and I actually I think I may have
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said my name I did say my name actually
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and so I could said my name who what's
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your name I said my name and like and
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it's got my other inner voice which is
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all in shop representation and my inner
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voice going my inner critic or my in a
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tany far saying why the hell did you
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tell them your name and basically I was
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kind of like I was trying to reach out
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through the through the storm myself but
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he did warn me they said what's in the
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Tito I said you know what's in the Tito
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they said don't take another step I took
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that step and bang shot in the chest at
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close range um
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yeah and but it miss your vital organs
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no it cut through my organs right and it
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was stuck inside of me so they couldn't
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find it how how how are you not how did
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you not die that's a great question
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that's great there must be like a
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purpose right there's got to be a reason
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absolutely and so my grandmother she's
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from the hook young so very much a hook
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younger Catholic she said you know I
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gave you the Archangel Michael medal and
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um it's because of I gave you this medal
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you're alive and whatever the reasons
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are it's it's to give me a second chance
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and with that second chance I'm no going
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I'm going around austral Asia to
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communities and organizations to
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normalize this convers ation using humor
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and lived experience to open up those
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very heavy crunchy doors we
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uncomfortable about addressing yeah bro
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and the the work you've done since this
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happened the darkest day of your life um
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it's incredible it's inspirational and
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it's phenomenal and I guess I wonder if
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that's the purpose that you survived I I
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feel it is I definitely feel it is uh I
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was at a mental health Grassroots
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conference in Hastings and I was I
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presented and one of the other
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presenters came up to me he literally
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rolled up to me in a wheel here his name
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is Wayne Forest he's a really good man
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and he wrote up to me after listening to
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me and he said he looked up at me and he
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said you know that happened to you for a
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reason and part of that reason is for
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you to send this message out to people
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yeah and I didn't know his story I
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looked at this man in a wheelchair and I
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was thinking what happened to him and
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then I get to his hear his story about a
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rugby playing farmer who went into a
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tackle rugby tackle and never came out
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of it so everyone's got a story it's
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just I suppose the key thing I'm meeting
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from people who have gone through trauma
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is From the Ashes hope rises and it's
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creating hope in different communities
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yeah absolutely okay so so so you you so
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you get shot so you're lying on the
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ground repeatedly shouting out I'm so
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sorry I'm so sorry um then what happens
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do you black out you pass out no I'm
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still right cuz the bullet is searing my
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internal organs it's on fire yeah
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because I would say you're you're you're
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the only person I'll ever have the
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privilege of speaking to that's been
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shot in the chest and survive so yeah
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describe that pain uh yeah once again
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quite a few people have asked that
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question what does it feel like it's
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like having a hot iron poker in the fire
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and then someone stabs it inside of you
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and it doesn't stop burning so it's like
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sizzling your internal organs so the the
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the the suicidal storm that's going in
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my mind is now overridden by the burning
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internal organs so now I was like oh
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that's not a problem the problem's down
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here now brother and I am just like like
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I am just in a whole world of pain in a
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different way and from that from the
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healing process I've met a lot of people
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and I realize meeting lots of different
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people around austral Asia is that
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people don't want to kill themselves
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they just want the hurt to stop up here
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100% absolutely and I uh yeah I'm one of
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those people who survived that and a lot
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of people don't so I'm very blessed to
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get a second chance at life m
