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How Rob Mokaraka Survived ‘Suicide-by-Cop’ and Lived To Tell The Story

October 15, 2023 / 01:15:20

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Rob madaka good day mate hey brother did

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I get the pronun I get nervous you're

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good bro you're good oh good hey thank

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you so much for coming over and joining

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me on my podcast bro thanks for inviting

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me in appreciate it bro oh you've got a

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you've got a hell of a story um I

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actually don't have any questions for

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this for this podcast but I thought I

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thought we just working um I mean it's

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just such um such a unique and

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terrifying story I feel like if we just

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go in chapters I'll just follow my nose

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um I thought we we could start on the

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day which is July 2009 um then we'll go

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to the the leadup um you know growing up

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the moments that led to that moment um

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the recovery and court case and then um

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rebuilding Rob yeah and where you're at

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now yeah great four chapters okay so

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first of all can I say um July 2009 I

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was living in a suburb um not far from

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where we are now called uh West which is

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like one suburb over from point shev so

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when this came on the news it sort of

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captivated me and I'd never ever heard

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uh before that moment of the phrase

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suicide by cop had never heard it before

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yeah and that was that was you on the

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news so talk us through that day so I

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had a very public mental and spiritual

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breakdown um I'd broken up from a

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relationship it was unhealthy and um and

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I I helped destroy that even more and it

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blew up and I thought

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um I'll get i'll get even clearer I to

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get out of this crazy relationship I did

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something even more crazier and stupid

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and I went and sleep with somebody else

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to make sure it it really exploded

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self-destruct self-destruct I wanted it

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to really explode and um I called the

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police on myself I called the police on

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myself cuz I thought I was the biggest

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pile of crap in the world no one will

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ever forgive me for all the things that

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i' compiled I built a case against

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myself and all the floodgates from the

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past just burst open so it's like like

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the past present future is all

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converging all at once and you're hurt

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scared angry confused and I thought I

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don't want to be alive and I thought I

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know I've seen police shoot M on the

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news right or wrong I'm a Mali that

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should be easy and I thought I deserved

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a violent death so I called the police

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up brother called them on myself and um

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ended up being shot in the chest at

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close range by provoking the police to

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shoot me

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dead the I mean the the whole thing is

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just awful and there's so much to unpack

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here um you yeah I've heard the 111 I'm

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sorry for laugh I've heard the 111 call

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you've got you're wearing a t-shirt now

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that says shop bro for anyone that wants

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to watch your play or play documentary

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documentary yeah it's on YouTube you can

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just look up shop bro you'll find it it

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starts with the 111 call and then the

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video footage it's it's very difficult

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to watch but you hear the call you you

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call yourself and you describe yourself

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and you're wearing um like cost cume

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camouflage Gear Well I'm wearing World

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War II trousers from a theater show that

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I co-wrote and co- acted in and I'm

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wearing a Air Force Army trench coat

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which a good friend of mine gave to me

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as a present so I'm looking like

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somebody's having a massive mental

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breakdown who looks pretty crazy dressed

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in military regalia so I was pretty much

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dressing the part and freaking the

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police out yeah so so you had a knife in

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one hand and on the other hand you had

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like a ladle covered with a teil teail

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so that think that was a gun yes I had a

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yeah it was a meat cleaver and a soup

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lad wrapped in a teail and I went out

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there wanting to be just I just wanted

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it to end and I wanted this hurt to stop

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in my mind and you know the the police

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officer did say don't take another step

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and I took that step and guess what

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happens when you take that step when

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they say don't take another step so I

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got that 9 mm bullet into me ripped

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through my internal organs dropped me

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and I realized I made a terrible mistake

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yeah and you can hear that in the the in

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the the footage cuz there were camera

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cruise that made it there in time you

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you you yelling out over and over again

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I'm so sorry I'm so sorry yeah yeah and

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I've had quite a few people ask me who

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are you sorry to Rob and I had to think

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about and I was like I think I was sorry

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to the policeman I was freaking out I

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was sorry to everybody I may have heard

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in my life growing up was just all these

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sories compounded from

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childhood so so just back a little bit

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so that the police turn up then how long

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is is that whole

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interaction I don't know time time is

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just is blued right so so you hear this

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you're in the house you hear the sirens

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that you called on yourself and then you

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come out on the street so I called the

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police and I was wondering on

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myself uh and I was wondering why no one

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has come into the house in my mind

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they're going to burst and blow me away

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and that's the end of Rob yeah but no

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one was coming in the house and I was

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getting frustrated so I went outside

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onto the street

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and um yeah that's where they're outside

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cuz I did call them M and they're half

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hour away from you so you're on the

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street one's hiding behind a tree Once

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hiding behind the police car like 20 M

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15 M oh it's yeah around about 15 M and

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they're not that far away brothers and

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and so and do they do do they try and

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negotiate with you yeah yeah yeah this

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this police officer trying to reach out

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to me and ask me what my name is and

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trying to reach out but I'm in this full

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storm I call it the storm of suicide

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audiation where I was like don't try and

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reach out to me and I actually I think I

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may have said my name I did say my name

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actually and so I said my name who what

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your name I said my name and like and

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it's got my other inner voice which is

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all in shop representation and my inner

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voice going my inner critic or my inner

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tany saying why the hell did you tell

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him your name and basically I was kind

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of like I was trying to reach out

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through the through the storm myself but

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he did warn me that they said what's in

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the te Toto I said you know what's in

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the te Toto they said don't take another

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step I took that step and bang shot in

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the chest at close range um

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yeah and but it missed your vital organs

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no it cut through my organs right and it

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was stuck inside of me so they couldn't

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find it how how are you not how did you

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not die that's a great question that's

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great there must be like a purpose right

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there's got to be a absolutely and so my

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grandmother she's from the Hooka so very

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much a hooka Catholic she said you know

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gave you the Archangel Michael medal and

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um it's because of I gave you this medal

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you're alive and whatever the reasons

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are it's it's to give me a second chance

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and with that second chance I'm know go

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I'm going around austral Asia to

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communities and organizations to

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normalize this conversation using humor

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and lived experience to open up those

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very heavy crunchy doors we

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uncomfortable about addressing yeah bro

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and the the work you've done since this

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happened The Darkest Day of your life um

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it's incredible it's inspirational and

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it's phenomenal and I guess I wonder if

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that's the purpose that you survived I I

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feel it is I definitely feel it is uh I

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was at a mental health Grassroots

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conference in Hastings and I was I

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presented and one of the other

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presenters came up to me he literally

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rolled up to me in a wheelchair his name

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is Wayne Forest he's a really good man

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and he rolled up to me after listening

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to me and he said he looked up at me and

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he said you know that happened to you

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for a reason and part of that reason is

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for you to send this message out to

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people yeah and I didn't know his story

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I looked at this man in a wheelchair and

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I was thinking what happened to him and

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then I get to his hear his story about a

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rugby playing farmer who went into a

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tackle rugby tackle and never came out

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of it so everyone's got a story it's

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just I suppose the key thing I'm meeting

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from people who have gone through trauma

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is From the Ashes hope rises and it's

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creating hope in different communities

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yeah absolutely okay so so so you you so

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you get shot so you're lying on the the

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ground repeatedly shouting out I'm so

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sorry I'm so sorry um then what happens

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do you black out you pass out no I'm

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still aw cuz the bullet is searing my

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internal organs it's on fire yeah

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because I would say you're you're you're

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the only person I'll ever have the

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privilege of speaking to that's been

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shot in the chest and survive so yeah

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describe that pain uh yeah once again

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quite a few people have asked that

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question what does it feel like it's

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like having a hot iron poker in the fire

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and then someone stabs in inside of you

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and it doesn't stop burning so it's like

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sizzling your internal organs so the the

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the the suicidal storm that's going in

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my mind is now overridden by the burning

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interal organs so now I was like oh

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that's not a problem the problem's down

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here now brother and I am just like I am

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just in a whole world of pain in a

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different way and from that from the

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healing process I've met a lot of people

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and I realize meeting lots of different

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people around austral Asia is that

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people don't want to kill themselves

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they just want the hurt to stop up here

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100% absolutely and I uh yeah I'm one of

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those people who survived that and a lot

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of people don't so I'm very blessed to

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get a second chance at life so so so

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when you you're down on the road saying

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I'm so sorry over and over again searing

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pain in your chest do the cops come up

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and check check on you or do they keep

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yeah the cops come up and one officer

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compresses my w I'm in so much pain that

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bullet is like so it's like burning it's

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on I don't know what the angle of the

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bullet and it's so intensely painful and

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I remember a police officer come down

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and compress the wound he compressed the

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wound and it just eased the the burning

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for just a little bit just enough for me

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to breathe and I ended up meeting that

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policeman so that wasn't the one that

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shot you that was his no this is another

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guy yeah um there's another story to

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this so that that police officer who

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compressed my wound we invited him to

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shot bro years later cuz he contacted my

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agent just wanted to say hey look I saw

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a I saw a short interview with you and I

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just want to commend you for how far

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you've come I went oh who's this again

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well I'm the officer who compressed your

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wound and I was like wow so yeah his job

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I just a lot of people don't know this

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he told me once he watched sh BR i

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wasani m uh at the school and he came

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and watched and he watched BR and he was

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blown away just by he didn't know what

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the background story was and he said

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well I'm glad you didn't point that tto

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at me and I said why is that cuz I was

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hiding in the bushes with an assault

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rifle if you that officer missed my job

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was to finish you off so everything

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happened in the right form in the right

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way for a reason for a reason for me to

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still be alive and to meet that officer

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and give him an apology letter from me

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to the officer who pulled the trigger

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who I provoked and it's an apology

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letter handwritten with all my contact

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details cuz he said look if you really

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want to get in contact with him give me

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give me that letter because I went

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through official channels to try and

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apologize nothing but anyway for this

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officer this um that policeman who I

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provoked to shoot me has gotten my full

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apology but he as far as you know then

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he hasn't sort of accepted it I don't

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know the main thing is I know he's got

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it yeah and I I I met F I've got friends

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who in the police I've got cousins and

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they said well that dude will be pretty

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messed up and um can you can you imagine

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I'm I'm I don't want to dwell on this

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cuz I I know you feel like [ __ ] about

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this um but yeah like can you imagine

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just the hell it would created for his

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life had he killed you well yep and look

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at it this way we had a

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atani uh presentation of shopo and he

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said everybody was doing their job on

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the day you were doing your job that

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policeman was doing his job the

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policeman who compressed your wound he

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was doing his job so if you take the

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emotion out everybody was doing doing

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their job and it's a crazy job and

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um thankfully I'm alive to be a to

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apologize to that police officer and the

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other officer who compressed my wound

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yeah yeah it's good so um so you don't

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do you pass it at all before the

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ambulance no I'm are you coherent the

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whole time I'm like burning I'm I'm a

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sausage sizzor lying down on the

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ground I'm like I'm like at my own

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barbecue and it's an internal barbecue

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um and [ __ ] see you remember everything

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how did you not pass out well I was

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think I was in now just going ah I think

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I was yelling at where's the ambulance

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and it seemed to take an eternity while

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you're sizzling on the ground um and

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then and it finally turns up and they

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Chuck me on the gurnie they P me and

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then I remember yelling out for to put

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me some drugs in me but they weren't

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sure how much they should put in or

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anyway just it was just I was in a world

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of chaos so I passed out in the

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ambulance then awoke re awoke as we

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arrived at the uh Hospital so so so at

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that point in the in the ambulance when

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you're lying on the road you you must be

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thinking I'm going to I'm going to die I

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wanted to die yeah because so I'm

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disappointed that I'm still alive yeah

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and I'm actually yelling at the police

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to shoot me in the head uh but it's

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finish you off yeah finish me off

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because the pain is so extreme that I

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don't think I can actually the the mind

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can't process the extremity of the

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bullet burning my internal organs so I'm

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actually yelling out but it's a

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beautiful afternoon in Sunny Point of O

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and people are looking out their Windows

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going who is this crazy maniac the

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police had to shoot so you know living

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off all of that to go when I see

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shootings now if I hear anything about

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people jumping off I go what's the real

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story behind the article that's that's

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how I look at the news what's the real

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story cuz that's just the headline yeah

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so then you're taken to hospital what

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does the what does the recovery look

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like do they put you on a coma they they

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put you on enough morphing to knock you

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out for

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how many days I remember no not many

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days I remember the the I remember them

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cutting my clothes off and putting some

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drugs in me and that's I passed out just

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in okay and then I woke up in the

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hospital room and it was like big shock

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it's like now I'm in a new world and the

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new world is I've got my guts cut wide

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open and it is extremely painful and the

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first thing I think about in hospital

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was I hope my dad doesn't know

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so that's the first person I thought of

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was my dad why cuz it the uh like

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embarrassment or shame or yes absolutely

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I've brought all this embarrassment and

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shame all upon the family and now

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everyone's going to know that I'm an

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effing loser I'm an effing piece of this

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and that and blah blah blah so which

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sort of reinforces the story you'd been

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telling yourself yes I'd been telling

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myself for that for a while even though

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I was the smiley guy making people laugh

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making them feel good and behind closed

00:14:59

doors i' just be

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exhausted but isn't it funny that that

00:15:04

was your first your first thought you

00:15:06

think your first thought would be oh

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[ __ ] I failed I'm still here or oh my

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God I survived this is amazing this is

00:15:14

my second chance but no that was not no

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how much time had passed like between

00:15:19

being taken to hospital and you coming

00:15:21

out of sedation oh you know like a day

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two days a day a day I think it was the

00:15:25

next day and and then then what happened

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oh I've got police in my room now

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watching oh like police guard yeah

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police guard just in case I miraculously

00:15:34

get out of bed which I can't move um so

00:15:37

the police are guarding um somebody who

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can't move um who's got his guts card

00:15:41

wide open and um I suppose they just

00:15:43

following procedure um and I'm messed up

00:15:46

and I meet Obi-Wan Kenobi AKA my new

00:15:51

lawyer and he comes from upstairs out of

00:15:53

the blue silverhead Vox and he

00:15:56

introduces himself he's a QC

00:15:59

and I thought I don't trust any lawyers

00:16:00

why would I trust the lawyers but he's

00:16:02

actually a really good man and he

00:16:05

informs me there's a whole bunch of

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people downstairs in the hospital

00:16:08

waiting room who care about me and I

00:16:10

didn't know that cuz in my mind no one

00:16:12

cares about me in my mind I'm not worth

00:16:14

anything so you thought everyone else

00:16:17

would be better off without you ABS gone

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absolutely and that's the usual that I

00:16:21

I'm meeting people around austral Asia

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and I've seen interviews on on

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documentaries about this is like people

00:16:27

feel like they're doing somebody they

00:16:29

doing people a favor yeah they think

00:16:31

they're a burden absolutely 100% And it

00:16:33

it goes back to what you were saying

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before about no no one actually wants to

00:16:37

die they just want the hurt to stop yes

00:16:39

and they want to stop being an

00:16:41

embarrassment or a burden to others yeah

00:16:43

so what then so then what's the what's

00:16:45

the recovery like what's what's that

00:16:47

process or procedure like like weeks

00:16:49

months um so I'm seven weeks in Oran

00:16:53

hospital with my guts cut what open so

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so the emergency sudu are had the bullet

00:16:59

was still stuck inside me so was still

00:17:00

making me sick so I was

00:17:03

just yeah spewing up green B cuz there

00:17:07

bullet is and they can't see or find the

00:17:09

bullet on CT scans or x-rays it's

00:17:12

actually hidden behind my lung but there

00:17:14

was some unrelated problem on my back

00:17:17

cuz I'm lying on my back and I had get

00:17:19

the doctor one of the prettiest doctors

00:17:21

I've ever seen it well seemed pretty

00:17:23

amazing at the time maybe it was the

00:17:24

morphing may it could have been the

00:17:26

morphing but she said hey did they find

00:17:28

that bullet and I went no and she went

00:17:30

okay so she starts digging into my back

00:17:32

they give me lots more morphine and pl

00:17:34

digging around and she pulls out some

00:17:36

rib cuz they had to crack my ribs to try

00:17:38

and find the bullet so they cut me open

00:17:40

and crack the ribs they can't find the

00:17:42

bullet it's so she digs in the back and

00:17:44

she pulls out a little piece of rib and

00:17:46

she keeps digging and um she pulls out

00:17:48

the bullet and she goes I found it and I

00:17:51

was like can have a look at it I was

00:17:52

like you little bastard but I was it's

00:17:55

only a tiny little thing yeah Glock 9 mm

00:17:57

bullet right yeah yeah it's not it's not

00:17:59

a rifle bullet yeah just a pistol bullet

00:18:03

amazing so she pull is there much of a

00:18:05

scar or is it just like a tiny little

00:18:06

well not anymore but it's the actual Sur

00:18:09

The Cutting open multiple times so I had

00:18:11

to have emergency second surgery and

00:18:13

then in that second surgery they had to

00:18:15

cuz my my bows was were cut by the

00:18:18

bullet and my spleen so they had to give

00:18:20

me uh colostomy bag so now I had I was

00:18:24

basically [ __ ] out my guts from then

00:18:26

on in for 4 months until I had a veral

00:18:28

operation so I'm in pain 7 days a week

00:18:31

24 hours and this time I can't hide cuz

00:18:34

a lot of things we can do we can

00:18:35

distract ourselves more mental ises

00:18:37

there's no hiding anymore it's quite a

00:18:40

freaky movie that everything is loud

00:18:43

bright and clear the pain the people in

00:18:45

the room me I'm present for the first

00:18:48

time fully present and it

00:18:51

sucks yeah actually yeah did it suck or

00:18:54

was it was it like I don't know like a

00:18:57

weight off your shoulders in a way cuz

00:18:58

it's like now I've finally got to face

00:19:00

the tany or whatever no no I wasn't I

00:19:02

was nowhere near there okay I was still

00:19:04

in I was still in the multiple concrete

00:19:06

barriers that that helped me hide all

00:19:09

this pain so I was just like man I'm in

00:19:11

pain I was said when this shit's going

00:19:12

to ever end so I'm still having police

00:19:15

in there my lawyer ended up having we

00:19:17

had a court case in my room uh the

00:19:20

lawyer was present um actually told the

00:19:22

police offer trying to rush the the the

00:19:25

court case without them present and then

00:19:27

we at court case to get the police out

00:19:29

of the room cuz my lawyer said I can see

00:19:31

they're not conducive to your priests

00:19:33

and healing having them in the room

00:19:34

stressing me out and so from that day on

00:19:37

I didn't have police monitoring me and I

00:19:40

was a very much more

00:19:42

peaceful well semi- peaceful healing

00:19:44

process um my just physical pain bro you

00:19:48

when you're in physical pain you're

00:19:49

burning your internal organs you're cut

00:19:51

open C multiple times it's hard to rest

00:19:54

how when when does the physical pain

00:19:55

stop you're not in any pain now no no no

00:19:59

no but it I have to so 9 weeks all up in

00:20:03

in hospitals and I have to learn how to

00:20:05

change my own wounds I have to learn how

00:20:07

to change my own [ __ ] bags my

00:20:09

colostomies so basically I'm dealing

00:20:11

with my own [ __ ] every day no [ __ ] no

00:20:14

[ __ ] real [ __ ] literally my own [ __ ] and

00:20:17

I thought this is crazy I'm having to

00:20:19

deal with this [ __ ] which is burning my

00:20:21

my guts with they had to do emergency

00:20:24

operation I've got my own wounds that I

00:20:26

have to tend to it's a nurse helped me

00:20:28

so I'm having to look at this and having

00:20:30

to deal with and trying to find out how

00:20:32

I got there m and my family I'm I'm I'm

00:20:35

recovering after I got out of family out

00:20:37

of hospital at my family's Homestead up

00:20:39

in funger day so it's freak them out

00:20:41

because they're bombarded by media as

00:20:43

well and no one's no one's trained in

00:20:45

media

00:20:46

negotiations yeah they're just trying to

00:20:49

help crazy rob their son their nephew

00:20:52

their

00:20:54

grandson

00:20:56

man all right well let's let's let's go

00:20:58

backwards and then we'll go we'll go

00:21:00

forward to the recovery and the court

00:21:01

case and stuff so

00:21:04

um you you've dealt with the call it

00:21:06

what you want the tanif the black dog

00:21:08

depression whatever you you this had

00:21:10

been like a recurring thing all the way

00:21:12

through your your adult life like I I

00:21:14

read you got um admitted to a psych ward

00:21:16

when you were like 21 22 yes absolutely

00:21:18

21 yeah yeah yeah yeah another mental

00:21:21

breakdown uh psychiatric unit King seat

00:21:24

and uh put what that like well that was

00:21:26

like a crazy one for the who's nest if

00:21:29

you've ever seen

00:21:30

that and the chief so that's right I

00:21:32

thought it was Jack Nicholson I thought

00:21:33

I was the sest person there um you're

00:21:36

going to nurse ratchet I don't belong

00:21:38

here I'm not like them well that's what

00:21:39

it felt like that's what it felt like is

00:21:41

that the right place to send um you know

00:21:43

a dude in his early 20s that's just

00:21:45

having well you look my parents signed

00:21:46

the papers and my parents were divorced

00:21:49

and they were like we don't know what to

00:21:50

do with Rob this is freaking us out yeah

00:21:53

cuz I'd actually um had an incident with

00:21:56

the police again so was that well I was

00:22:00

um I went to the farm to my dad's farm

00:22:03

when I was 21 to go and blow my head off

00:22:05

with the

00:22:06

22 so the police got involved and I had

00:22:10

to go to um [ __ ] man there was multiple

00:22:13

times multiple things yeah I read there

00:22:15

was there was one day somewhere in your

00:22:17

20s where you like three times day so I

00:22:20

tried to guess myself drown myself and

00:22:22

then the third one was to try and blow

00:22:24

my head off so there's one little angel

00:22:25

saying on my on my shoulder saying

00:22:28

what if it could be better and the other

00:22:30

one's saying you know what to do let's

00:22:33

clock out let's get out of here but then

00:22:36

so that's in your early 20s um then

00:22:39

between that and July 2009 when the the

00:22:42

police shot you so much good stuff

00:22:44

happened in your life so much good stuff

00:22:46

happed so there was 2007 you won some

00:22:48

big award for a play that you did uh

00:22:51

2009 like just before the shooting

00:22:53

you're over in London with with some

00:22:55

play like from an Outsiders perspective

00:22:57

everything everything was going good in

00:22:58

your life you were humming yeah that's

00:23:01

right you had a four-year-old daughter

00:23:02

as well at the same time yes who's now

00:23:04

19 and we'll get to that later yeah and

00:23:07

um and I say this on the outside looked

00:23:11

like I was living the dream but my whole

00:23:13

life was falling apart and all the shame

00:23:16

guilt and failure stopped me from

00:23:18

telling my friend who's just as far away

00:23:20

as you are actually I just had lunch

00:23:22

with them before I arrived so it was

00:23:25

like all the shame guilt and failure was

00:23:27

joing me to not say a word to tell to

00:23:30

say hey man I'm in deep distress I'm

00:23:32

freaking out I actually didn't know I

00:23:34

didn't have the words yeah and yeah what

00:23:36

was um what was the um I don't know if

00:23:38

you want to get into this or not but

00:23:40

what was the cause of the um shame guilt

00:23:42

and failure cuz like from from an

00:23:43

outside's perspective you you definitely

00:23:45

weren't a [ __ ] failure you were doing

00:23:47

like professionally at least you were

00:23:48

doing very well yes I was but I I

00:23:51

suppose because I had unresolved trauma

00:23:53

which I didn't know I had all what I'll

00:23:55

get into it's like so there's there's

00:23:58

there's a trail so every stuff that

00:24:01

happens to us on the surface if you're

00:24:03

brave enough you follow the rabbit

00:24:05

Warren down you'll find the core like

00:24:08

pulling on a thread of a t-shirt or

00:24:09

something yes absolutely and it's one of

00:24:11

the most scariest Journeys that people

00:24:13

don't want to go on that's why they have

00:24:14

multiple therapies or or they're just on

00:24:17

the paking drugs to help num and i' I've

00:24:19

played that game I've played that game

00:24:21

TR and drink drink my way out of the

00:24:24

hurt so unresolved trauma and part of

00:24:27

that was was

00:24:29

um uh I had when I was a young man I had

00:24:32

three abortions with two girlfriends and

00:24:35

I was just all the shame that how I was

00:24:37

too young to and they were too young and

00:24:40

the parents were no they' got a future

00:24:41

why are we going to have you've just

00:24:42

messed up these people's lives so I'm

00:24:45

holding on to those same gu but did you

00:24:47

Did you sort of like pressure them into

00:24:49

it or was it a mutual you just felt prad

00:24:51

because no I was young I was like

00:24:52

literally like 6 15 18 and then 25 why

00:24:58

did you hold Shame about that because

00:25:01

because that's a great because I've done

00:25:04

something wrong so if I sh if I use

00:25:06

these words right and I'll sh I'll steal

00:25:08

them from bernee Brown how good is bne

00:25:10

brown she's not I'm a big fan I feel

00:25:12

like she she's my auntie um but so she

00:25:15

said um guilt is I did something wrong

00:25:19

shame is I am something wrong and I felt

00:25:22

both of those things I did something

00:25:23

wrong I am something wrong and then when

00:25:25

I so I'm I'm going to move forward so as

00:25:27

moved forward doing shop bro in the

00:25:28

first year I had to go see a shrink

00:25:30

again thanks to Mike King he shouted me

00:25:32

a shrink cuz i' hadn't seen one for a

00:25:34

while and I had all the stuff started

00:25:37

come out being sexually molested and I

00:25:39

thought I was holding mes memories for

00:25:41

somebody else that's how my mind was

00:25:43

dealing with this oh you're holding like

00:25:45

a memory stick someone gave me a memory

00:25:47

stick oh these aren't my memories I must

00:25:49

be holding this for somebody else and I

00:25:51

didn't realize that those memories were

00:25:53

my memories of me that I'd suppressed so

00:25:55

I've got all the stuff suppressed

00:25:57

brother that that's and when I meet

00:25:59

people been through trauma even worse

00:26:01

way worse than I've been we

00:26:02

compartmentalize it to survive so we

00:26:05

pack it away to try and move on but you

00:26:07

don't realize throughout your life your

00:26:08

fight flight or freeze yeah and your

00:26:11

interactions you don't even know that

00:26:14

are Guided by those three

00:26:16

pillars and so you when you don't know

00:26:18

what's wrong with you you'll just keep

00:26:20

continuing this this way of Behaving and

00:26:23

when I meet other people like me male

00:26:25

and female who've been on the journey

00:26:28

uh we've got so many similar

00:26:30

traits yeah well I've been doing this

00:26:32

podcast for about a year and a half now

00:26:34

and I've interviewed maybe 70 or 80

00:26:36

people and one thing you realize is

00:26:38

everyone is carrying around a bag of

00:26:39

[ __ ] it's just how big that bag of [ __ ]

00:26:41

is i' I've actually found this quite

00:26:42

cathartic it's like the absolutely yeah

00:26:45

I totally get it I I find what I do in

00:26:47

my presentations to be quite cathartic

00:26:50

and like a physical mental spiritual

00:26:53

Outlet to help others show them like hey

00:26:56

man you're not crazy you're hurting cuz

00:26:59

I was told I was crazy and then other

00:27:01

that I was dismissed yeah who who told

00:27:03

you you were crazy people were telling

00:27:05

me crazy right and you know and think

00:27:07

about families families don't want to

00:27:09

deal with your mental illness which is

00:27:12

I'm not blaming families I'm just saying

00:27:14

they don't have the tools to deal with

00:27:15

it and our parents generation and our

00:27:17

grandparents generation this was this

00:27:20

was one of the ultimate shames to have

00:27:21

if somebody with mental having a mental

00:27:23

breakdown so all of that stuff is buried

00:27:26

and you're dismissed you're either

00:27:28

dismissed and dissolved or told to just

00:27:32

shut your mouth yeah cuz how how old are

00:27:34

you what are you now I just turned 50 50

00:27:37

so you're exactly the same age as me see

00:27:38

I've heard you do some speeches and

00:27:39

stuff and uh you've talked about how

00:27:41

it's um it's a moldy thing or a thing

00:27:43

that happens in fos but I'm exactly the

00:27:45

same age as you my family was the same

00:27:47

and I I went to old boy school and it's

00:27:49

like you'd never show the BR brown stuff

00:27:51

that you're talking about you never show

00:27:53

any sort of vulnerability You Never Cry

00:27:56

Like it was um it you know it was it was

00:27:58

a whole it was how we were raised it was

00:28:00

the waters we were swimming absolutely

00:28:01

brother ABS trying to sort of unpack all

00:28:04

that and uh absolutely and then I've got

00:28:06

a father who was in the Army so he

00:28:08

definitely father also in Vietnam War so

00:28:12

he was dealing with his own trauma he's

00:28:14

dealing with own stuff but you don't

00:28:15

know that cuz you're a kid right and um

00:28:17

you're a kid and you don't know that

00:28:19

your your mom and dad are going through

00:28:20

stuff you just and sometimes you think

00:28:22

it's your fault and what the arguments

00:28:25

are but they're dealing with real human

00:28:26

issues human issues pay the mortgage the

00:28:30

job the kids the food the schooling you

00:28:33

know all of that and you don't realize

00:28:35

that and so I've got way more more UT

00:28:38

half for my parents realizing [ __ ]

00:28:40

they're pretty young trying to work [ __ ]

00:28:41

out and Society his society's got this

00:28:45

Unwritten rule that you get to a certain

00:28:46

age you're supposed to have your [ __ ]

00:28:48

together oh mate I had Duncan Garner on

00:28:51

the podcast recently and we were

00:28:53

discussing this cuz he's the same age as

00:28:54

us it's like you know when I when I was

00:28:56

like 20 I'd see 50y olds I think that

00:28:59

that motherfucker's got it all figured

00:29:00

out and then you get there and you're

00:29:02

like oh no everyone's just figuring it

00:29:04

out as they go along yes the older I get

00:29:07

the realize the less I actually know

00:29:09

yeah and I brother you know it's like

00:29:12

releasing all of that we're holding a

00:29:13

lot of guilt and we're all these

00:29:15

expectations from people who don't give

00:29:17

a [ __ ] about us and and I I heard this

00:29:19

great thing is like the best weight you

00:29:21

can lose is the weight of other people's

00:29:23

expectations of you because that will

00:29:26

bog you down what think of you but um so

00:29:30

before 2009 there were some um how often

00:29:33

did you have like um like an episode

00:29:35

where things started swirling there must

00:29:37

have been some happy periods or calm

00:29:39

periods I mean there was amazing periods

00:29:41

like there was either way up there all

00:29:43

was way down here yeah have you been

00:29:45

diagnosed with like bipolar or anything

00:29:47

like oh my my former therapist said I

00:29:49

had bipolar traits which I thought was

00:29:50

really lovely but um if I look at but if

00:29:53

I look at Humanity man we're all bipolar

00:29:56

it's just we're all little we don't know

00:29:57

no one wants to be diagnosed with

00:29:58

anything but I don't get caught up in

00:30:00

the diagnosis anyway because you can be

00:30:02

caught up in that doctors are go out

00:30:04

you're this you're bipolar you're an

00:30:05

alcoholic I'm not saying me but you know

00:30:07

you start handing out these labels

00:30:09

people start to think that's all they

00:30:10

are you know I I just boil it down to

00:30:14

your hurt okay let's look at that what

00:30:16

do you need your

00:30:17

hurt or we get stuck in this [ __ ] uh

00:30:21

treadmill that just goes around and

00:30:23

around in circles I I just can't um

00:30:28

I don't know like this this is the first

00:30:29

time we've met today but I've been

00:30:31

following your work closely since um

00:30:33

since after the 2009 incident and you

00:30:35

you've done some great work in the

00:30:36

mental health field since then but I

00:30:40

just can't imagine that you were not a

00:30:43

great communicator you you know what I

00:30:45

mean like you were you were a playright

00:30:46

a very successful playright so you're

00:30:48

good at communicating to an audience why

00:30:51

are we not good at um speaking about

00:30:53

your own [ __ ] that's right that's why do

00:30:54

you think actors take up acting so they

00:30:57

can be someone else that's

00:30:59

right why do you think artists want to

00:31:02

why do you think artists want to be

00:31:03

doing the Arts so they can express stuff

00:31:05

that's not directly about them but it's

00:31:07

about this thing okay dumb question no

00:31:10

but no it's not a dumb question because

00:31:12

even artists sometimes forget um and uh

00:31:16

and you know I've got a lot of good

00:31:17

friends in the art still and uh I know

00:31:20

they're challenged by this because the

00:31:22

art form is also like sometimes like

00:31:24

religion it can be a barrier to your

00:31:26

real healing you can hide behind it it's

00:31:28

a great barrier to hide within uh and it

00:31:32

can save you too but it's also a

00:31:34

hindrance because you've got one thing

00:31:36

in front of you that you're constantly

00:31:38

using to keep in front of the hurt sorry

00:31:41

I'm putting this in the front of the mic

00:31:42

but yeah that's good yeah yeah um okay

00:31:46

let's go to the um recovery so you're in

00:31:48

hospital seven weeks did you say nine

00:31:50

weeks or nine weeks nine weeks did you

00:31:52

um did they have therapists that came in

00:31:54

to see you or did you have a therapist

00:31:56

on I tell you what I had the best I had

00:31:59

the uh Hospital psychiatrist and she

00:32:01

turned up this 1980 suit with these big

00:32:04

these big and was like I don't know s

00:32:07

like a this Blue Block color and she

00:32:10

came in there she came with an assistant

00:32:12

and she went High Rob I'm the hospital

00:32:14

psychiatrist I just want to sit down

00:32:15

with you and and she started to ask me

00:32:18

some questions and then she said you

00:32:19

know what's happened to you is normal

00:32:22

for somebody with depression I was like

00:32:24

depression oh that's like that John Coan

00:32:25

thing that I saw on the heads oh he was

00:32:28

riding hope into the sand um yeah all of

00:32:31

that but can I just share a little on

00:32:33

her side yeah that when she said about

00:32:34

the John Coan head when John Coan would

00:32:37

speak about his problems on the TV and

00:32:39

no one was around I'd be telling John to

00:32:41

shut up because him talking was

00:32:44

irritating my demons and so as I go

00:32:46

around australasia sometimes me talking

00:32:50

irritates other people's demons cuz they

00:32:52

don't want to hear it they've they've

00:32:54

drunk enough done enough drugs or done

00:32:56

enough whatever they have to squash it

00:32:59

down and when someone else is speaking

00:33:01

as freely as you and I are on the couch

00:33:04

over there could be somebody going what

00:33:06

those two would shut the f up because

00:33:08

man that's freaking me out and so I

00:33:10

understand that now before I used to

00:33:12

think I was I was the problem by for for

00:33:15

talking about I used to I've been made

00:33:17

to think that I was crazy cuz I was

00:33:19

speaking out aloud what I realize that

00:33:21

you're crazy if you don't address

00:33:23

this yeah John kwin um I I had a John

00:33:27

kin on the podcast last year and I I

00:33:28

gave him um flowers for what he's what

00:33:30

he's done like he he he like he he was

00:33:33

the Trailblazer in this mental like he

00:33:37

put everything on the line I remember

00:33:38

listening to TalkBack radio and when um

00:33:41

you know that that that there was one

00:33:43

TalkBack host that talked about had a

00:33:45

phrase he goes oh oh someone's got the

00:33:46

Coolin like it talked about depression

00:33:49

flippantly and uh almost made a joke

00:33:52

about John Kuan in a way John Kuan put

00:33:54

everything on the line absolutely and

00:33:56

he's a big part of the reason that Mike

00:33:58

King and you and everyone else that has

00:34:00

come since feels a little bit Freer to

00:34:02

talk about these things yeah these

00:34:04

people were Trailblazers for me%

00:34:06

especially as a male as a male I was

00:34:09

talk specifically for me as a male and

00:34:11

so you know you talk about s Sir John K

00:34:14

and Mike King Mike King helped me on my

00:34:16

journey and um did you did you know Mike

00:34:18

before 2009 was no I mean of course I

00:34:20

knew who he was but I didn't know him at

00:34:22

all so my mental breakdown I ended up on

00:34:25

the nuts club which was uh the

00:34:27

which is still going uh it's a great

00:34:29

show um talking about mental health

00:34:31

openly and I'd never met so I met Mike

00:34:34

King and and his right one of his

00:34:36

right-hand men uh Boris srov and I'd

00:34:39

never heard two males ever speak so

00:34:41

openly and vulnerably and normally about

00:34:44

mental health and it freaked me out I

00:34:46

thought this must be an alien planet

00:34:48

I've never heard men speak like this

00:34:49

before and it helped change the game for

00:34:52

me not then cuz it freaked me out but

00:34:54

much later down the track when I started

00:34:56

the shot br journey I realized where the

00:34:58

doorway was cuz two Brave males showed

00:35:01

me what it's like to talk normally about

00:35:02

your mental health yeah and I suppose um

00:35:05

in a way like the nuts club and that

00:35:07

platform that they gave you that's um

00:35:09

it's kind of like the brne brown thing

00:35:10

it's like you show vulnerability and

00:35:12

like you put your cards on the table and

00:35:14

then lets the other person know that

00:35:15

it's a safe space and they can put their

00:35:17

cards on the table too but I I heard

00:35:18

another podcast that you did and you

00:35:19

talked about how this is way before 2009

00:35:22

in the shooting incident where you got

00:35:25

hooked up with a priest or something and

00:35:26

the priest tried to like get through to

00:35:28

you by sharing some of his

00:35:31

vulnerabilities and then you responded

00:35:33

by just saying like nah I'm all good or

00:35:35

oh it wasn't a priest it wasn't a priest

00:35:36

it was um but I understand where they

00:35:38

coming from it was actually out Victoria

00:35:41

Park Market in the park mhm just next

00:35:44

door just in the park just next door so

00:35:45

somebody had seen something was wrong

00:35:47

with Rob and um and this Mary sort of

00:35:51

gentleman not sort of mildy gentleman a

00:35:53

brother sort of like an uncle someone

00:35:55

said maybe you should talked to Rob and

00:35:57

he said hey meet you up for a meet up

00:35:59

for a check oh y yeah yeah cuz we're

00:36:01

planting trees together anyway he starts

00:36:03

sharing stuff about his personal

00:36:05

upbringing and uh it was about child

00:36:08

being abused as young men and what I

00:36:11

realized what he was trying to do is

00:36:12

what I'm doing and what Mike's done and

00:36:14

what John kin has done is that he was

00:36:16

doing the re I call it the reveal to

00:36:18

heal so he's revealing some

00:36:19

vulnerability to open the door for me to

00:36:22

know that it's safe to talk about

00:36:23

something vulnerable but I was in such

00:36:26

deep Den

00:36:27

I was going what is this guy telling me

00:36:28

this crap for there's nothing wrong with

00:36:30

me there's nothing wrong with me I keep

00:36:33

repeating that and in my mind cuz that's

00:36:35

how scared I was but I thought later on

00:36:38

much later down the track after being

00:36:39

shot after recovering I what an awesome

00:36:42

man to be that brave enough be that

00:36:45

brave to come and talk to me and open up

00:36:48

just a little bit about what happened to

00:36:49

him so he could reach out to me I

00:36:51

understand it now I didn't understand it

00:36:52

then yeah God there's um there's a lot

00:36:55

of I mean there's a lot of parallels

00:36:57

with with you and me and our junor

00:36:59

thankfully thankfully for me my rock

00:37:01

bottom hasn't been as deep as what yours

00:37:02

is um but there's a lot of parallels

00:37:06

were you always a all good person yeah

00:37:08

all good oh totally bro yes well you

00:37:12

know it you know it when you know it you

00:37:14

know yeah I was totally and then I'll

00:37:16

make you feel good about you too and

00:37:19

then oh you'll leave and I'll be tired

00:37:20

like oh thank God I'll just have to put

00:37:22

on my real face now cuz I'm just tired

00:37:25

but I wasn't always constantly mask I I

00:37:27

suppose not constantly I suppose it's

00:37:29

just confusing why my thoughts are

00:37:32

swirling and what I'm going a massive

00:37:34

motional ups and downs and then you add

00:37:37

alcohol on top of that you know to try

00:37:39

and drown it and have good times I'm

00:37:41

going to have good times obviously what

00:37:43

goes up must come down oh no now I'm

00:37:45

hung over and this shit's 20 times worse

00:37:47

oh and so yeah it's a depressant it's

00:37:50

not good it's not good and know it's I

00:37:52

used to use it quite a lot yeah so um so

00:37:57

yeah the so the recovery so you're in

00:37:58

hospital for a long time then when does

00:38:01

the re the Stark reality of your

00:38:02

situation kick in like the fact that

00:38:04

you're in a a whole whole lot of [ __ ]

00:38:06

right now just when I woke up that's

00:38:09

when I woke up in the hospital room and

00:38:11

I was like oh and my body's on fire yeah

00:38:15

no no but I mean like once you get past

00:38:18

once you realize you know that's good

00:38:20

once you realize okay I'm I'm going to

00:38:21

live like I literally I dodged a bullet

00:38:24

and and then then you realize the leg

00:38:26

implications of what you've done and

00:38:28

your the consequences for your actions

00:38:30

like what are you what does your lawyer

00:38:31

tell you what are you looking at you

00:38:33

think it's going to be a two it was it

00:38:35

was jail time yeah but what those

00:38:37

charges were for for people who done if

00:38:42

has has a criminal history like probably

00:38:44

a long criminal history so it was quite

00:38:46

the charges were quite extreme so that

00:38:48

the lawyer was just giving it to me

00:38:50

pretty plain plainly he said like you've

00:38:52

got two charges which was each uh 5

00:38:55

years in jail and another two judges

00:38:57

which is 5 years in jail look what if I

00:38:59

can get it down to one year Rob and I

00:39:01

said I'll be dead meaning I'll take my

00:39:03

life I was so mentally physically

00:39:05

spiritually fragile I was ready to go um

00:39:09

I was I didn't realize also I had

00:39:11

survivor's guilt then oh why am I still

00:39:13

alive why am I when other people have

00:39:16

died why am I still alive so survivor's

00:39:18

guilt on top of all of that survivor's

00:39:20

guilt about about who about me still

00:39:22

beinging alive right why am I still

00:39:23

alive I should be dead yeah but normally

00:39:26

I don't know when I I don't know much

00:39:28

about Survivor scope but I'd think of it

00:39:29

in a like say a car crash situation if

00:39:31

there's you you and three other people

00:39:33

and the other three people die and you

00:39:35

survive but yeah what do you mean

00:39:37

survivors go with the shooting incident

00:39:39

yeah meaning I should be dead other

00:39:41

people were successful yeah and but also

00:39:44

let me just add to this like the

00:39:46

hospital room next to

00:39:48

me um this young M girl was fighting for

00:39:52

her life she had cancer she

00:39:54

died and then I'm I'm next door going

00:39:58

I'm messed up and this girl's fighting

00:40:01

for her life and then on the I said of 7

00:40:05

weeks in particular in that hospital a

00:40:08

Chinese gentleman died in that same

00:40:11

room and so I'm like going these people

00:40:14

are fighting for their lives and this

00:40:16

a-hole this a-hole over here was trying

00:40:19

to exed the planet so all of that guilt

00:40:22

on top of being alive and these two

00:40:24

souls in the room right next thought of

00:40:26

me had passed away over a period of

00:40:28

weeks in between each other did that

00:40:31

sort of

00:40:32

um I don't know sort of firm up your

00:40:34

resolve to live and get better in a way

00:40:36

no no no no I was just oh no more guilt

00:40:39

more guilt oh just Let's us wear how

00:40:42

many how many layers of guilt can I wear

00:40:45

just to emphasize how much of a piece of

00:40:47

crap I am but what was quite surreal was

00:40:50

people just giving their love to me

00:40:51

turning up friends family turning up to

00:40:54

my hospital room just going with love

00:40:56

browing me like just confused I was

00:40:58

confused I didn't I didn't believe I

00:41:01

deserved any of this and and what do you

00:41:03

like with the outpouring of love from uh

00:41:05

friends and family maybe even people you

00:41:07

haven't seen for years like do you you

00:41:09

burst into tears when you see each and

00:41:10

every one of them um sometimes I get

00:41:12

pretty emotional like I just saw two

00:41:14

close Brothers of mine uh from the film

00:41:17

world and I just had lunch with them and

00:41:19

it's just it's emotional because

00:41:21

multiple reason I'm getting emotional

00:41:22

now is that these two brothers St stood

00:41:25

by me before before during and after and

00:41:29

where some people took off some people I

00:41:32

thought we were mates I chatted to Mike

00:41:33

King about this and he yes come on

00:41:35

brother have a look back think back to

00:41:37

the time same thing happened to me bro

00:41:39

these people were my friends and they

00:41:40

took off were you are you really

00:41:42

surprised and I was still and then a

00:41:44

couple of minutes later I came down

00:41:45

actually you're right I perpetuated this

00:41:48

circle so I could get into this party

00:41:50

mode to hide I'm not saying they're bad

00:41:53

anyone's a bad person it's just that I

00:41:55

knew where to go to to if I want to

00:41:57

drown and hide there's a drowning and

00:41:58

hiding circle called a party over here

00:42:01

yeah and if you're no longer yeah yeah

00:42:03

yeah I get that anyone that's had like

00:42:04

drug or alcohol problems it's like um

00:42:06

yeah you need to get rid of those

00:42:08

friends I guess good time friends or

00:42:10

whatever yeah yeah and I didn't know

00:42:12

that you know and I but it's good in a

00:42:14

way it's like it's like a purge isn't

00:42:15

it's like shaking an apple tree and you

00:42:17

the what the apples that stay on the

00:42:19

tree they they're your life is yeah and

00:42:21

and that's who we were then you know

00:42:22

they're different now I'm different now

00:42:24

but my mates who still St stood behind

00:42:27

me from that day and I see them man I

00:42:28

get emotional I get emotional cuz I go I

00:42:32

just got to tell them that I love them

00:42:34

oh yeah I love you too bro okay

00:42:36

yeah are they b b with it now knowing

00:42:40

what you've been through are they still

00:42:41

a bit awkward about it they are but you

00:42:43

know it's like a couple of times oh yep

00:42:46

yep but um but that's still good because

00:42:50

that's just how they are that must be

00:42:52

how they are in their whole life not

00:42:53

just towards me yeah but the cool thing

00:42:55

is I am I I've got the courage to say it

00:42:58

to their face because I mean it but

00:43:00

being a being a theater guy have you

00:43:01

always been a I find people I know that

00:43:03

are in theater this is a sweeping

00:43:04

generalization that they're quite

00:43:06

they're quite Huggy touchy people have

00:43:07

you always been a Huggy a Huggy person

00:43:09

or no were you like kind of a just a hey

00:43:12

I think I'm not sure I'm I'm not really

00:43:15

sure I think with the Bros you're always

00:43:16

trying to be like the Bros so whatever

00:43:19

the Bros the Bro Cod is you just follow

00:43:21

that whatever the handshake of the week

00:43:22

is yeah one the handshake of the week is

00:43:24

it just the fist bump is it whatever

00:43:26

like the chair BR and you just follow

00:43:28

that you follow that yeah but said of

00:43:30

people are Huggy people and I've turned

00:43:32

into one of those Huggers especially I

00:43:34

want to meet genuine human beings bro I

00:43:37

think that's I yeah I think it's good

00:43:38

I've definitely become more of a Huggy

00:43:40

person as I've got older and more I

00:43:42

don't know in touch with my true

00:43:43

emotions and stuff and more able to say

00:43:45

what I'm actually thinking which I

00:43:47

think's a it's really cool I like it I

00:43:49

like the genie I'm on same you proud of

00:43:51

the person you are today I am I am and I

00:43:54

got to sometimes stop giving them a hard

00:43:55

time

00:43:56

cuz he's traveled a far a long way to

00:43:58

get here and I

00:44:00

um what I found out is I'm doing shop

00:44:03

not found out some people reflected back

00:44:04

to me it's like oh that young character

00:44:07

you play with is your younger self it's

00:44:08

like your younger self was searching for

00:44:10

your older self to save you your hurt

00:44:13

little

00:44:14

boy was trying got you through this

00:44:16

crazy Journey with the man of tools that

00:44:18

hurt little boy and a man's body head

00:44:21

and now this older Rob gets to look

00:44:23

after that younger hurt little child

00:44:25

that was stuck in

00:44:28

time

00:44:29

yeah that's a hell hell of a journey to

00:44:32

get to where you are now though not a

00:44:34

journey you'd worship on anyone no I

00:44:36

wouldn't worship on anyone and I thought

00:44:38

I hated people until I got shot and when

00:44:40

I hear people say oh that bastard needs

00:44:42

a bullet I was like well actually have

00:44:44

have a good have a good thing about that

00:44:47

you obviously you haven't had a bullet

00:44:49

in you once you feel it you'll realize

00:44:51

who you don't really hate people that

00:44:53

much well I don't anyway I'll just talk

00:44:54

about me yeah I've noticed there's been

00:44:56

a few occasions in this last what 45

00:44:58

minutes that you've um referred to

00:45:00

yourself in the the third person as Rob

00:45:02

is that um is that something is that

00:45:05

something you do intentionally like uh

00:45:07

you know yeah I suppose sometimes I do

00:45:09

cuz I'm like I know it's me but it's

00:45:12

like there's versions of me throughout

00:45:15

the timeline and there's different

00:45:17

versions of Rob of me Rob more so some

00:45:19

versions of you you feel like you're

00:45:20

talking about a different person yeah

00:45:22

that's right that's all yes yes it feels

00:45:24

like I'm that's interesting but I know

00:45:26

it's me yeah but I go oh that version Oh

00:45:29

the two the 2.1 which was really messed

00:45:32

up and then I had to get to 5 what

00:45:34

version we at now I don't know man 50

00:45:37

point I don't know how good how good

00:45:40

okay so um then uh the court case com so

00:45:43

so you're back at home you're out of

00:45:44

Hospital you're back at home so multiple

00:45:46

surgeries multiple court cases and now

00:45:49

that the body's slowly starting to heal

00:45:52

I I start seeing a therapist yeah so

00:45:54

okay so physically you're feeling good

00:45:56

good mentally you're still [ __ ] up oh

00:45:58

mentally I'm a mess and physically I'm a

00:46:00

mess yeah so both but you're alive I'm

00:46:03

alive but uh and I've got the love of my

00:46:05

family around me who are freaking out

00:46:07

cuz it's not every day your son calls

00:46:10

the police on them and in the news that

00:46:12

wanted to be dead yeah so did you have

00:46:14

like like um Pho like re rally around so

00:46:17

there was almost someone so you're

00:46:18

almost like on suicide watch I guess in

00:46:20

way or not that intense I didn't feel

00:46:23

like it was maybe they maybe they felt

00:46:24

like I've never had that

00:46:26

but the M thing is I mean I was staying

00:46:28

down the other end of the house and my

00:46:30

dad and my stepmom and that

00:46:32

was they had my own space so couldn't

00:46:35

have been too concerned I mean they were

00:46:37

concerned but you know I suppose there's

00:46:39

only so much you can do rather rather

00:46:40

than I was a mess already I was a Miss

00:46:42

already yeah and you I mean you can't

00:46:44

you can't keep someone in a padded room

00:46:46

like someone's going to do what they're

00:46:47

going to do ultimately I think and yep

00:46:50

andless should tie them

00:46:53

up so so when do the cour case so July

00:46:56

2009 was the shooting so cuz I can't

00:46:59

actually physically attend a court case

00:47:01

so we had the first court case in the in

00:47:03

my hospital room yeah uh so to clear the

00:47:05

police out of there so I can actually

00:47:07

have a healing space and then I think

00:47:10

2010 is when I am able to walk into a

00:47:14

courtroom um with my guts cut wide open

00:47:17

but just stitched up yeah so had they

00:47:20

had they given you like um a sentencing

00:47:22

indication or a sentencing range like or

00:47:24

did you still think you in jail uh that

00:47:27

that the crown versus Rob M and the

00:47:29

police they were trying to put Rob away

00:47:30

from jail but the extreme you're talking

00:47:33

about him as Rob no no no no it's just

00:47:35

an interesting observation sorry no

00:47:37

thanks for pointing that out I don't I

00:47:38

don't realize cuz I'm doing it in shop

00:47:40

bro when I'm talking about the multiple

00:47:42

versions of me so thanks for putting

00:47:44

that out brother no it's not a it's not

00:47:46

a fault or anything though it's not

00:47:47

something you should change it's just

00:47:48

interesting that the the person that's

00:47:50

sitting in front of me now almost

00:47:53

disassociates disassociates from that

00:47:55

that person then well I can see it

00:47:57

clearly what I was going through so yeah

00:48:01

he he said like we had to go through

00:48:04

multiple court

00:48:05

cases and this lawyer was very savvy so

00:48:08

we had to navigate these judges he knew

00:48:10

were and I'll say this very openly he

00:48:12

said their box tickers for the police

00:48:14

they'll just I am sweers next tick and

00:48:17

just on the conveyor belt you're on the

00:48:19

conveyor Bel to prison and especially as

00:48:21

a mildy male you're on the conveyor Bel

00:48:23

big time so I had a very savy awesome QC

00:48:28

lawyer who cared who cared about me when

00:48:30

actually this and he he knew some people

00:48:34

um up in the in the law in the legal

00:48:36

realm who actually knew me and found out

00:48:38

actually he's not a crazy psychopath

00:48:42

what I've heard is that he's actually uh

00:48:44

he's a decent human being who spun out

00:48:47

so I suppose I got I've got a lot to

00:48:49

thank him I have thanked him I send him

00:48:51

my documentary once I reconnected and I

00:48:53

think he just went oh okay well at least

00:48:55

you're not doing anything bad you're

00:48:56

using your superpowers for good and I

00:48:58

don't don't need my surfaces again oh

00:49:00

yeah mean you've got a second chance at

00:49:02

life oh I mean if you count up the other

00:49:03

attempts I don't know what what number

00:49:05

of life we're up to now but it's like

00:49:07

you're definitely not squandering it no

00:49:08

I'm not and now I get to meet you know I

00:49:10

meet people like you Don we've never met

00:49:12

so what I really cherish is many

00:49:16

like-minded Souls who are happy to talk

00:49:20

about these very crunchy things so other

00:49:22

people out there in the world who don't

00:49:23

have the words or the courage yet

00:49:26

can breathe a sigh of relief and go okay

00:49:30

maybe I can get to that stage I'm just

00:49:32

right down here at the moment struggling

00:49:34

yeah so I appreciate you brother that's

00:49:35

what I'm trying to say I I appreciate

00:49:37

you too as I was saying before from

00:49:38

doing this podcast you realize that

00:49:40

everyone's carrying a bag of [ __ ] it's

00:49:41

just how big that bagg of [ __ ] is and um

00:49:44

and I'd like to think people can go can

00:49:46

can hear your story and go okay well he

00:49:48

got through that I can get through this

00:49:52

relationship breakup job loss you know

00:49:54

this guilt that I've got for whatever it

00:49:57

happens to be absolutely and and if I

00:50:00

could just give I just try and drop real

00:50:01

simple gems for people I was like you

00:50:03

didn't choose the hurt but you can

00:50:05

choose the heal cuz we get stuck in here

00:50:08

yeah oh well that's it can't change

00:50:10

anything well I was like well you're not

00:50:11

a tree bro you can move so um I was like

00:50:14

oh I can move too I can move to help but

00:50:17

it's just trying to it's easier said

00:50:19

than done when you're when you're in

00:50:20

that fight or flight all the time and

00:50:22

you're it's like you're literally

00:50:23

walking through a storm that no one can

00:50:24

see yeah yeah yeah yeah so uh what

00:50:28

happens in court oh mult so the so the

00:50:31

lawyer is amazing lawyer is

00:50:33

amazing um what do you get like

00:50:36

Community some community service so the

00:50:38

lawyer got me out of the prison sentence

00:50:41

I mean look like it makes sense right

00:50:43

like

00:50:44

prison why would why would they send you

00:50:46

to prison well because this is another I

00:50:48

I know you like you [ __ ] up

00:50:50

monumentally but like prison's not a

00:50:52

place to S someone that's just mentally

00:50:54

mentally unwell and running in their

00:50:55

life yeah so this is how the lawyer told

00:50:58

it to me he said look Rob because you

00:51:00

were filmed on the street by the news

00:51:04

and the public saw you they they need

00:51:07

the police to and the crown to to see

00:51:10

you publicly get your ass kicked mhm so

00:51:14

he's basically said make an example of

00:51:15

yeah yeah he basically said it's a gray

00:51:17

area and I and as M up as the system is

00:51:20

I actually created that event so I can't

00:51:22

blame anybody for that event other than

00:51:25

myself

00:51:26

so I created this event which took a

00:51:27

long time for me to get my head around

00:51:29

by the way I was blaming everybody in

00:51:30

the world but me you did how long how

00:51:33

long did it take you for the um

00:51:35

acceptance or ownership couple years

00:51:37

years I'd say a couple of years right

00:51:39

who were you who were you who were you

00:51:40

pointing the finger at oh everybody it's

00:51:43

everybody's fault the police's fault

00:51:44

it's the police fault it's people who

00:51:47

the police should have had tasers

00:51:48

instead of the gun yeah and the police

00:51:50

uh or everybody in my life it was their

00:51:53

fault and I was actually had my cousin

00:51:55

and his wife who love me and they said

00:51:58

hey um you know if you didn't call the

00:52:01

police on

00:52:03

yourself and they knew I was mentally

00:52:05

fragile and I didn't like hearing that

00:52:07

bro I didn't like hearing it cuz when

00:52:10

you're hurting you need someone to blame

00:52:12

you called them on yourself so actually

00:52:16

it's you it sounds like they told you in

00:52:18

a really uh nice gentle way though like

00:52:21

not not giving you a boot up the ass

00:52:23

just bro I was like they could tell was

00:52:25

like mentally un I was unstable fragile

00:52:29

physically fragile mentally spiritually

00:52:31

all of that they saw that but I really

00:52:32

love them for that cuz I hated hearing

00:52:35

it well it's a bit of bit of pill to

00:52:37

swallow isn't it no one wants to yeah no

00:52:40

one wants to hear that so you get

00:52:42

through the court case um

00:52:45

and excuse the pun but did it feel like

00:52:47

you dodged a

00:52:48

bullet sorry no no I'll edit that out

00:52:51

that was terrible you can keep it in

00:52:53

there bro if you want uh I did feel like

00:52:55

do because I thought if they did go to

00:52:57

prison I literally was going to take my

00:52:59

own life cuz I waso I was paper thin

00:53:02

mentally fragile my whole guts were

00:53:04

still cut wide open um everything

00:53:06

mentally spiritually messed up but so I

00:53:09

did feel like I dodged a bullets um and

00:53:12

I was very grateful it's okay for you to

00:53:13

say it but I feel like I can't say it

00:53:15

it's not my joke that's right I pinched

00:53:17

it off you um shot bro and um see and us

00:53:21

normalizing the thing about to talk

00:53:23

about mental health and and mental break

00:53:25

got to put light on the humor is helping

00:53:27

to relieve the the heaviness of what

00:53:29

you're talking about so I totally get it

00:53:31

um and I was very grateful cuz oh cool I

00:53:33

don't have to take my life now where I

00:53:35

was going to do that before so was that

00:53:37

does that sort of feel like so when when

00:53:39

um the sentencing happened so you've got

00:53:41

that

00:53:42

big this this big sort of hurdle or you

00:53:45

obstacle or whatever you want to call it

00:53:46

in your life over and done with was that

00:53:48

the point where you feel like you could

00:53:50

take a deep breath and start

00:53:52

rebuilding uh yeah kind of just that

00:53:55

that was just one step out I had to

00:53:57

rebuild like I was still mentally

00:53:59

physically walking wreck and so

00:54:02

navigating all of that having to change

00:54:03

my own wounds was a good lesson of like

00:54:05

you have to deal with your own [ __ ] Rob

00:54:07

literally and you have to what's

00:54:09

involved with changing your changing

00:54:10

your dressing uh so your cluster me bag

00:54:13

okay so they so stop going to the toilet

00:54:17

through your bells and now you're out

00:54:18

your stomach and they put you lower or

00:54:21

large intestine and they poke it out and

00:54:23

so because it was emergency operation

00:54:24

it's burning your feces my feces was

00:54:28

burning the [ __ ] out of my skin so

00:54:30

basically I'm trying to clean the wound

00:54:32

and get a clean FR and you're literally

00:54:34

trying to hang have a social trying to

00:54:36

be normal human go to a supermarket or a

00:54:39

cafe with a friend and you shirt

00:54:41

yourself all have your T-shirt and I'm

00:54:43

sprinting out of that Cafe as fast as I

00:54:45

can so learning how to navigate that uh

00:54:48

it's a lot and seeping my guts are still

00:54:50

seeping out uh so I had to keep changing

00:54:54

cleaning my wounds cuz they to cut me

00:54:56

open from the belly button to lower

00:54:58

chest so I'm never getting that as well

00:55:02

as as just trying to be normal find out

00:55:04

what normal was that's right was trying

00:55:06

to what is normal is there any normal

00:55:09

yeah so there's a couple of people had

00:55:10

on the P podcast I've had this um former

00:55:12

wakeboarder called Brad Smiler who's now

00:55:14

a quadriplegic and he's got a permanent

00:55:16

colostomy bag and I had di Henwood on

00:55:19

who's had Bale cancer and he had um a

00:55:20

colostomy bag for for a while and I

00:55:24

suppose I don't I suppose in their

00:55:26

position because they didn't really

00:55:29

bring it on themsel you could have like

00:55:31

an element of self- petty did you did

00:55:32

you have sort of self Petty oh I had

00:55:34

tons of it did you I was writing about

00:55:37

I'm a writer I was writing I was trying

00:55:38

to write it all out trying to write it

00:55:40

out of me to get I don't know I was

00:55:43

because it was burning my my skin I was

00:55:46

basically writing about that and I was

00:55:48

moaning about it until I was at my

00:55:49

friend's barbecue and my my mate's dead

00:55:52

he goes oh you got one of those too and

00:55:53

he pulls the shoot up and I said said

00:55:55

how long's yours on for when you went

00:55:56

life and I just shut my mouth I stopped

00:56:00

it cuz cuz you knew yours was only

00:56:01

temporary yeah cuz mine was 4 months and

00:56:05

I thought what are you moaning about Rob

00:56:07

so you know every you know your pain

00:56:09

everyone's pain and hurt is valid is

00:56:11

just get a perspective when you meet

00:56:13

somebody who's going through something

00:56:14

even bigger for Life yeah there's there

00:56:17

there's um a saying I've seen on um

00:56:19

Instagram that comparison is the theft

00:56:20

of joy and it's true it's a good one but

00:56:22

you can always compare down and there is

00:56:24

always someone worse off than what you

00:56:26

are absolutely and but also people get

00:56:28

caught in the Pain Olympics like my pain

00:56:31

is worse than anybody's in the world and

00:56:32

no one's ever going to understand and

00:56:34

then on the podium you got the bronze

00:56:35

medalist going oh my pain is hurting me

00:56:37

every day but it's not as bad as that

00:56:39

person's cuz they're telling me but pain

00:56:41

is pain brother hurt is hurt it's just

00:56:43

getting a perspective no winner and

00:56:45

there's no winner yeah there's no winner

00:56:47

okay so um the court case is over with

00:56:49

we're rebuilding Rob when do you start

00:56:52

to come right how long is it so July

00:56:53

2009 yesterday yeah oh I'm sorry I I

00:56:57

understand you're still a work in

00:56:58

progress if you're if you're um suffer

00:57:01

from mental illness it's it's never

00:57:02

going to fully go away and it's a

00:57:03

constant work on um but when did you

00:57:05

start to feel like your your old self

00:57:07

again or your new self again well it's

00:57:09

interesting because you as you're

00:57:11

healing you have to change your ways

00:57:13

because can't physically do this can't

00:57:15

physically do that mentally it's hard

00:57:18

because your body's not working you have

00:57:20

to evolve and now as I got better

00:57:22

physically I started to go back to my

00:57:25

old dumb ways like let's have some beers

00:57:27

let's get on it and I mentally started

00:57:30

to fall down again I went what's wrong

00:57:31

I'm back I'm like I'm feeling fit again

00:57:33

what's wrong with me it's like are you

00:57:35

idiot you can't go back to the old ways

00:57:38

now in my Evolution and anyone's healing

00:57:41

Evolution you have to keep moving

00:57:44

forward if you try to go backwards

00:57:46

you're going to sink back down to where

00:57:48

you were yeah and that's that happened

00:57:49

to me a few times that's okay I mean I

00:57:52

was I was with with good people but when

00:57:54

I realiz realized that I was like oh

00:57:55

[ __ ] this is not good for my mental

00:57:57

health yeah and um what about medication

00:58:00

you on medication now no my new

00:58:02

medication is BJJ BJJ Brazilian

00:58:04

jiu-jitsu oh oh is it really I just

00:58:07

taken it up I'm like I'm pretty new but

00:58:09

I have a lot of friends who uh have done

00:58:11

this yeah a lot of people swear by it I

00:58:13

a lot of podcast absolutely and but the

00:58:15

key thing I made of Mind said say it's

00:58:18

mental and spiritual health because

00:58:20

you're physically in your body you know

00:58:21

and oh go you know you tried a couple of

00:58:23

free classes I tried a couple of free

00:58:25

classes I was hooked and now it's it's

00:58:27

one of the many tools that I have on my

00:58:29

healing tool belt yeah so it's a

00:58:31

physical

00:58:32

Outlet uh cuz you're very present cuz if

00:58:35

you're not you got somebody about to

00:58:36

choke you out are you so you're very

00:58:38

much not thinking about what's happening

00:58:40

in 10 20 minutes time or 20 minutes ago

00:58:43

you're like I'm very present um and I

00:58:46

really enjoy it and I enjoy that

00:58:48

comaraderie amongst the club and team

00:58:50

and it it's just it's just bloody good

00:58:52

for my wellbeing yeah what what else

00:58:54

have you got your talk about cuz I don't

00:58:55

think there's um when it comes to like a

00:58:57

mental health plan or resilience plan or

00:58:59

whatever you want to call it I don't

00:59:00

think there's a one siiz fits all you

00:59:02

got to you got to do the work yourself

00:59:03

and find out what's right for you but

00:59:05

what else you got do you do journaling

00:59:07

you do any ice baths or cold water

00:59:09

therapy well look I go to the ocean when

00:59:11

it's cold I go ocean when it's a hot day

00:59:13

rainy day sunny day I'll go to a river a

00:59:15

lake cold water is the best cold water

00:59:18

is good for me and uh and I I do

00:59:20

purification meaning like I go in there

00:59:22

doing cut here for myself to wash off

00:59:24

what I don't need hanging around me

00:59:26

especially after I finish shot BR

00:59:28

presentations uh midi midy Romy Rommy

00:59:30

which are mildy forms of massage which

00:59:33

are physical and spiritual or if I can't

00:59:34

find a mighty massuse I'll go to Tai cuz

00:59:37

Ty you can crunch the crap out of me um

00:59:40

and fold me upside down and I really

00:59:42

enjoy that physical like loosening up

00:59:45

the limbs and so I've got multiple and I

00:59:49

share this with everybody I've got a

00:59:51

tight three three people that I trust

00:59:53

with my life I can text or call anytime

00:59:56

night or day and I encourage other

00:59:58

people to get a tight three because it's

01:00:00

too much for one person to hold and the

01:00:02

good thing about my tight thre it's grow

01:00:04

to five people that I trust in my life

01:00:07

um is that if you're swirling that

01:00:11

person's there to help you and if you're

01:00:12

the person helping the one swirling and

01:00:14

it's too much for you you call in the

01:00:16

other people so you're you're putting a

01:00:18

circle of utle heart and hope around

01:00:20

that one person and the three of you or

01:00:23

five of you can navigate it better than

01:00:24

one so it's basically to even the load I

01:00:27

think that's a good idea as a formal

01:00:29

sort of I mean you hear about people

01:00:30

that go to Alcoholics Anonymous and they

01:00:32

have a sponsor you know someone that

01:00:33

they can call anytime day or night but

01:00:34

we don't do that for mental health do we

01:00:36

and um and but everyone says everyone

01:00:39

says like a if you're of a feeling down

01:00:41

you give me a call day or night but it's

01:00:43

feels like it's just lip service yeah

01:00:45

and that's why I've taken I took it that

01:00:48

step to go I'm going to nominate these

01:00:49

people and formalize it and formalize it

01:00:51

and you know it's okay if they go oh

01:00:53

actually it's it's a bit too much for me

01:00:54

bro go okay thanks now I know uh this

01:00:57

person over here this another person so

01:00:59

you just build and I've heard people say

01:01:01

I don't have a tight I don't have a

01:01:02

tight one in my circle and I've actually

01:01:04

said to them sounds like your circle is

01:01:06

crap um if you can't ask one person in

01:01:09

your circle to be you know a a guardian

01:01:12

a kitaki you better change a circle bro

01:01:15

cuz that means you it's not a safe place

01:01:17

to be I like that so when did the when

01:01:22

did the decision come to tour do shop

01:01:24

bro as I said at the beginning I I

01:01:26

watched this on YouTube last night and

01:01:28

anyone can watch it um it's it's a hard

01:01:31

watch and after watching it last night I

01:01:33

thought

01:01:34

a you know it must be exhausting for you

01:01:37

to even come over here today and like

01:01:38

chat about this for an hour no no no

01:01:41

this is my everyday because it's not

01:01:43

heavy for me it's not it's not heavy for

01:01:46

me it was heavy for me it's light for me

01:01:49

do I still have shed some tears about it

01:01:52

sometimes yeah but it's no way near as

01:01:54

heavy as it's ever been for me I'm at

01:01:56

probably the best shape mentally

01:01:58

physically spiritually that I've ever

01:02:00

been at but I know that I got to keep

01:02:02

working on it I can't can't just stop

01:02:04

like go on cruise mode because I'll

01:02:06

start to slip backwards I've actually

01:02:09

the thing about prevention is you've got

01:02:10

to be actually putting into action you

01:02:13

got to be actioning it's great to have

01:02:15

all these tools but if you're not

01:02:16

practicing any of these tools daily then

01:02:19

it's just great thoughts and ideas oh

01:02:21

yeah and then when when the [ __ ] hits

01:02:22

the fan and you go and grab the tool

01:02:24

youen actually used it before you're

01:02:26

like oh well I dropped it oh oh grab the

01:02:29

other one oh dropped it too oh God and

01:02:32

all of a sudden you've got had a great

01:02:34

you think you've got these great tools

01:02:36

which you've never practiced using and I

01:02:38

had to figure out that the hard way bro

01:02:39

that happened to me so many times yeah

01:02:42

yeah that's great that's a great one

01:02:43

that's a great one and then when the

01:02:44

[ __ ] the fan they'd all fall out on the

01:02:45

floor and I got I was lost again yeah

01:02:48

but that's the thing I mean the easiest

01:02:49

time to do the work is when you don't

01:02:51

need it eh but it's like I mean who does

01:02:53

that

01:02:54

you know what I mean it's like I don't

01:02:56

need it I'm all good totally until

01:02:58

you're not and that's what I I used to

01:02:59

do that all the time but now I've had to

01:03:02

use these tools and I encourage other

01:03:04

people to use whatever tools you need

01:03:05

cuz we're all same same but different

01:03:08

and you might need a little different

01:03:09

variation of this so figure out what you

01:03:12

need and when you're swirling in that

01:03:14

storm of s a suicide audiation and

01:03:17

you're brave enough to go bro I'm

01:03:18

spinning out I need help right now the

01:03:21

best advice I've ever got and it's from

01:03:22

my first cousin Clint Edmunds he said to

01:03:24

me on the phone what do you need cousin

01:03:27

cuz you could hear that I was distressed

01:03:28

and I'd never everybody have ever heard

01:03:31

anyone ask me what I need and I realized

01:03:33

why cuz I never told anybody I've been

01:03:35

suicidal so to have somebody actually

01:03:38

listen without judgment not go oh man we

01:03:40

we better medicate you or jeez we better

01:03:42

call the cops or call the ambulance it's

01:03:44

like there's no Panic the person who I

01:03:46

trust in my life number one on my daring

01:03:47

list is my cousin just asking me what I

01:03:49

need and what I really like about that

01:03:51

is it puts the ball back in that

01:03:53

person's Court to figure out what do I

01:03:55

need because no one's ever asked me do I

01:03:58

need to cry do I need to go to the gym

01:04:00

do I need to hit the punching bag go to

01:04:02

the ocean I don't know but at least now

01:04:04

someone's put it in your court to ask

01:04:07

what you need so it's actually having to

01:04:09

build the capacity getting the person to

01:04:11

build it for themselves by giving them a

01:04:13

platform to to work off and did I um did

01:04:17

I did I hear this on a podcast or did I

01:04:19

hear this somewhere um after one of your

01:04:21

shows of shop BR um you got bash someone

01:04:25

oh yes my cousin one my own yeah my own

01:04:27

cousin really my own cousin so we don't

01:04:31

have alcohol around shoper anymore okay

01:04:34

um was just the Catalyst oh yes so so

01:04:37

when we so occasionally we'd been to I'd

01:04:39

like say International theater festivals

01:04:41

you know Everyone likes to grab a wine

01:04:42

we'll grab a beer we'll grab a champagne

01:04:44

and we'll watch this thing about suicide

01:04:46

for some weird reason they want to drink

01:04:48

so we're at this Art Gallery it's an art

01:04:50

gallery in in the small community of

01:04:52

tanata and um

01:04:55

Tam it is our host he's an awesome host

01:04:57

oh cool yeah he's an awesome host I me

01:04:58

my new cousin i' never met before what I

01:05:00

didn't realize was he's had his own

01:05:03

issues and um Everybody not everybody I

01:05:06

always say

01:05:07

actually most people were drinking

01:05:09

alcohol before I was even presenting

01:05:12

getting some PR and no getting yeah

01:05:14

that's it pre drinks and and um this

01:05:18

cousin i s of listened to my instinct he

01:05:20

said yeah I'm feeling real nervous about

01:05:23

what you're about to do and I'm thinking

01:05:24

oh I because I didn't know I was like

01:05:26

we're related how cool I've got a new

01:05:28

cousin this is awesome that's what I'm

01:05:31

thinking and he I feel uncomfortable

01:05:32

about what you're doing I was like why I

01:05:34

haven't even started oh it's going to be

01:05:35

sweet is so he keeps getting on the piss

01:05:38

people are drinking and laughing he's

01:05:40

ring on the piss he in the first five

01:05:42

minutes he's just brooding he's brooding

01:05:44

he he he does he goes to the I Shar this

01:05:47

in shop bro so stuff that happens to me

01:05:49

on my life Journey gets put into side

01:05:51

shop bro that presentation oh so the

01:05:53

play just keeps getting longer and

01:05:54

longer well well I edit something but

01:05:58

the thing is it just it highlights that

01:06:02

if somebody is swirling already and they

01:06:04

got this mask on that they're this

01:06:07

person in society and you at alcohol and

01:06:10

drugs it amplifies that by a thousand so

01:06:15

what people are drinking I had a couple

01:06:16

of beers that night and I was like okay

01:06:17

I feel good I'm getting so much love

01:06:19

from the community I didn't realize that

01:06:21

cousin was still drinking and sizing me

01:06:23

up yeah he was waiting to he waiting for

01:06:25

the last person to leave to smash me

01:06:27

over I didn't realize that so what

01:06:29

happened took me by surprise and I

01:06:31

didn't take it too seriously because I

01:06:32

better talk my way we'll just get this

01:06:34

calm down but I didn't realize how drunk

01:06:36

he was and what in a he was in a fury

01:06:39

bro so Tomy it ended up saving my life

01:06:42

cuz this dude knocked me to the ground

01:06:43

he was quite a big boy and I was like oh

01:06:46

[ __ ] I'm in big trouble I Mis read this

01:06:48

whole situation with with my rose tinted

01:06:51

glasses going oh oh man he's going to oh

01:06:53

this C looking at me cuz he loves me no

01:06:55

this cousin wants to smash the [ __ ] out

01:06:57

of me cuz he's hiding from his own stuff

01:07:00

and drinking up a storm so from that t

01:07:04

saved my life very grateful very

01:07:05

grateful to him we make sure there's no

01:07:08

alcohol around shop bro because it goes

01:07:11

into those crunchy P parts that you're

01:07:13

hiding and I say this to everybody

01:07:15

alcohol and drugs amplify your internal

01:07:18

tanif or mental distress times a

01:07:20

thousand and um and at one International

01:07:24

Arts Festival I forgot to tell the

01:07:26

festival not to open the bar and they

01:07:28

add had a mini panic teack and was like

01:07:31

yeah we're in wies and I said can you

01:07:32

shut the bar why this is how we make

01:07:34

money cuz and I was oh this happened and

01:07:37

blah BL blah oh [ __ ] you didn't tell us

01:07:39

I know anyway I explain why I feeling

01:07:42

nervous about everybody drinking and

01:07:44

this lady came up to me afterwards

01:07:45

really well to do lady and she went you

01:07:47

know what Rob why are we drinking coming

01:07:50

to a suicide prevention play you made me

01:07:52

question why we're all drinking well we

01:07:55

should actually be having a cup of tea

01:07:56

or water to actually OBS process and I

01:07:59

thought at least one person got it the

01:08:01

other people like well it's sh the bar

01:08:03

for man I'm going to get on it this

01:08:05

guy's crazy this is Netflix on steroids

01:08:08

and um I totally understand it we we're

01:08:10

in a drinking culture which normalizes

01:08:12

certain things and if you don't question

01:08:13

it we'll just continue these habits I'm

01:08:16

not saying it's a bad thing but we're

01:08:18

around mental health and mental distress

01:08:20

no drinking bro yeah I I feel like there

01:08:22

is um there's like a turning of the tide

01:08:24

when it comes to alcohol like uh you

01:08:27

know I feel like if you if you go out

01:08:28

there and you say I'm not going to drink

01:08:31

you're not going to get the same sort of

01:08:32

judgment you would have got even like

01:08:33

five or 10 years ago I don't know maybe

01:08:35

I'm wrong about that no everyone's bit

01:08:36

more bit more chilled out depends what

01:08:38

circles you are suppose yeah you know

01:08:41

the more the manlier manlier ones come

01:08:43

on bro what you want a bloody lemonade

01:08:46

or something 0.0 why are you bothering

01:08:49

yeah why are you just go home um but

01:08:51

that's okay that's cool man I'm down

01:08:53

with that I laugh at that that doesn't

01:08:55

mean you know I don't take it personally

01:08:57

yeah and um when you get out of bed in

01:08:59

the morning now and you look in the

01:09:00

mirror you do you like the Rob that you

01:09:02

saying yeah I I I take my mental health

01:09:05

very daily I do like uh the T tapaa

01:09:08

which is the four walls four pillars uh

01:09:10

mental physical spiritual and family and

01:09:13

environment just the fifth one and I

01:09:15

check in on those every day inside

01:09:17

myself how am I mentally how am I

01:09:19

physically how am I spiritually how is

01:09:22

my father manying my two daughters in

01:09:24

particular and uh my partner and my

01:09:28

environment and I go cool my environment

01:09:30

is safe so I'm all about safe places

01:09:32

brother so daily I'm checking on my

01:09:34

mental health every morning yeah I wake

01:09:36

up like that okay got a sore knee okay

01:09:39

getting old BJJ you're an old man okay

01:09:41

ouch ow s back and knee okay but I'm

01:09:46

okay but how's but how's the mind I'm

01:09:47

okay with the body yeah you're welcome

01:09:49

to the 50s and but it's cool bro and

01:09:52

I've got a that's how my diagnostic my

01:09:53

daily diagnostic I forgot to um bring up

01:09:57

and ask you some questions about your

01:09:58

your daughter so she was 4 years old at

01:10:00

the time so

01:10:01

when like when did she find out about

01:10:03

things or how did she find out about

01:10:04

things well she was in the hospital

01:10:06

coming to visit me we didn't tell her

01:10:09

yeah at four I suppose she doesn't need

01:10:10

to know doesn't need to know she just

01:10:12

needs to know Dad's sick and needs love

01:10:14

and she would turn up with my ex partner

01:10:16

I'm really good friends with and um and

01:10:20

just hold my hand and walk me around the

01:10:21

ward like she was the adult and I was

01:10:23

the

01:10:24

because I had to relearn how to walk

01:10:26

again so my 19-year-old now still

01:10:31

doesn't want to see sh bro but my

01:10:32

12-year-old daughter has seen sh bro

01:10:34

about five times throughout with her mom

01:10:36

and her aunties and her cousins and and

01:10:38

her big thing for me is like Dad that's

01:10:41

not going to happen again is it and I

01:10:43

was like well actually thanks for asking

01:10:45

but no because Dad was hurt angry scared

01:10:47

confused and dad's got more tools now

01:10:50

dad knows he needs to talk about his

01:10:51

emotions so um we're allowed to talk F

01:10:54

and also I'm making sure she knows that

01:10:55

she's got promotion to talk about her

01:10:57

Emotions Don't bottle that [ __ ] up man

01:10:59

that

01:11:00

explodes yeah that's it doesn't go

01:11:02

anywhere does it it needs to be

01:11:04

addressed sooner or later and uh if you

01:11:06

address these things as they come along

01:11:07

it saves that pile of dirty laundry from

01:11:10

getting bigger and bigger absolutely why

01:11:12

why does the um so the the the she was

01:11:14

four at the time she's 19 now why does

01:11:17

she not want to say it too hard yes it

01:11:19

makes her too emotional she knows what

01:11:20

happened to Dad she knows what happened

01:11:22

to me it's just that like I don't want

01:11:24

to see it and feel it just she gets sad

01:11:26

you know it's like Dad I don't want to

01:11:27

see you looking hurt I don't want to see

01:11:28

you even though we just hang out on the

01:11:30

weekend having a great time watching

01:11:32

Netflix eating movie I mean not eating

01:11:34

movies eating popcorn and ice cream

01:11:36

still it's okay that's where she's at

01:11:38

emotionally and mentally like I don't

01:11:40

want to see Dad in that space yeah well

01:11:43

imagine like how how how different her

01:11:45

life would have been like had you been

01:11:48

successful absolutely absolutely um and

01:11:51

I and I've had a lot that's a that's a

01:11:53

lot for a kid to carry around absolutely

01:11:55

so I had a friend of mine so when I

01:11:57

survived this as I'm on the healing

01:11:59

process of hospitals I had a friend of

01:12:01

me friend of mine said female said to me

01:12:05

I'm really grateful to see you alive and

01:12:07

doing well I didn't tell you this but my

01:12:10

dad took his life and I was like what

01:12:13

I've known this lady for quite a few

01:12:15

years and I never knew that and she say

01:12:18

I'm I'm the I'm the Survivor of a of a

01:12:21

parent who took his life yeah and I was

01:12:23

like I didn't I felt instant UT half for

01:12:26

her I mean she's a good person already

01:12:28

but but that really Amplified my

01:12:31

survival yeah for my especially for both

01:12:34

daughters but for my eldest in

01:12:37

particular yeah that's really powerful

01:12:39

stuff um this is probably a great place

01:12:42

to end it but um I I know you've uh

01:12:45

given the the police officer involved um

01:12:47

a letter but you don't know what the

01:12:48

response was it's very unlikely but say

01:12:51

he was to ever view or listen to this

01:12:53

podcast what what would you what would

01:12:55

you want him to hear just what I wrote

01:12:57

in the letter I am truly sorry I created

01:13:00

that event and put you in that situation

01:13:03

I wasn't myself I was somebody who was

01:13:06

swirling in unresolved trauma spinning

01:13:08

out of control so my idol heart to you

01:13:11

and your family and I hope that you're

01:13:13

safe and healing and please um know

01:13:17

that if I could meet you with my good

01:13:20

friend Lance budet former police

01:13:22

negotiator over coffee sometime uh that

01:13:25

would be amazing Lance B actually said

01:13:27

to me Rob I'm a policeman who had a

01:13:29

mental breakdown on the police force i'

01:13:31

be i' be happy to facilitate so if that

01:13:34

person is out there just want to send my

01:13:36

utoh heart my respect and just say I'm

01:13:39

sorry I'm really truly sorry and I'm

01:13:41

using this now to help people and also

01:13:43

I'm trying to get into the police

01:13:45

because I get invited into military

01:13:47

bases by the way uh and so the police

01:13:49

have been cting me cuz I'd be able to

01:13:51

help them of how to deal with somebody

01:13:53

mental distress and help police look at

01:13:55

their own internal systems how to look

01:13:56

after themselves yeah so that's a

01:13:59

process that comes in and out of the

01:14:00

light by with occasional emails yeah and

01:14:04

I mean whether or not that um police

01:14:06

officer involved I suppose he's a victim

01:14:07

in this thing as well yes absolutely

01:14:10

whether or not he's forgiven you I

01:14:11

that's that's out of your hands but have

01:14:13

you forgiven yourself uh yes I have I

01:14:16

have now that I've unpacked where it all

01:14:18

came from I understand how that happened

01:14:22

and and I explained that in the

01:14:23

documentary and I explained this in shop

01:14:26

bro uh forums after shop bro

01:14:28

presentations it's kind of like my

01:14:30

friend said well I see what you've done

01:14:31

Rob you've synthesized she I was what

01:14:34

she you've synthesized therapy theater

01:14:38

and multiculture to create our healing

01:14:40

package I went have I okay I'm going to

01:14:42

pinch that but I want to share this a

01:14:45

lot of people helped me get here brother

01:14:48

I didn't when I didn't believe in myself

01:14:49

when I didn't think I was worthy enough

01:14:51

along this journey so I've a lot of Faro

01:14:54

and friends and new friends who've

01:14:56

helped me on this journey to be here

01:14:59

today I feel like that's a great place

01:15:01

to end it yeah keep doing your great

01:15:02

work you too brother yeah there's a

01:15:04

reason you survived and you're

01:15:05

definitely not squandering ad I

01:15:07

appreciate that thank you brother thanks

01:15:08

for this

01:15:09

[Music]

01:15:18

podcast

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