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mey K welcome to my podcast Dom thanks
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for having me good to be here mate we've
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been trying to I I went back through my
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DMs on Instagram we've been bouncing
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backwards and forwards for the best part
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of a year trying to figure figure out
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how to do this and I know it's been it's
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been a it's been a bit of a mission to
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get this this podcast going but finally
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finally in the Mount of all places it's
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wonderful so you're here for a training
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camp at the moment with the New Zealand
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team yeah right yeah here here till
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Tuesday Tuesday night and um yeah we go
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to South Africa soon so training C with
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everyone which be which has been nice
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you are all over the place I I was in
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the UK last month I did a podcast there
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with uh your friend Susie Bates who you
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told me just off mic before is maybe the
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best New Zealand cricketer of all time
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yeah she goes down as probably the goat
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um in New Zealand women's Cricket so
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yeah her records out standing and she's
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she's seen in New Zealand as um one of
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the best cricketers we've ever had
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amazing so I've got Susie Bates now I've
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got you merely cure I know what a
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downgrade I wouldn't say that I wouldn't
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say that at all and there's um there's
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so much to um discuss with you CU you're
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such an intriguing person there's the
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cricket and then there's the the whole
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other stuff as well um because you've
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just been very open and vulnerable and
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transparent about your mental health
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struggles so first of all um how are you
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today you're good your badge and neutral
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yeah I'm good actually um going good you
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know it comes in waves and and whatnot
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and I think you know it's been awesome
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to kind of create that tring water
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series and speak about my story and
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share other people's stories um I kind
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of thought like after that you've spoken
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about I guess your worst times and then
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people assume you're all good but I just
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wanted to be honest and open about how I
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was feeling um and it's not that I'm all
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good now well I'm in a great place now
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but you you know there's still bad days
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there's still times where I kind of do
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struggle um but I guess that's human and
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and that's kind of part of it like
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depression doesn't necessarily just go
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away you kind of learn strategies and
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coping mechanism Co coping mechanisms
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and um yeah but I think since my
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experiences I've just appreciate life so
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much more I have a better understanding
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of myself so not that I ever want to
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feel that way again I'm grateful um that
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I have been through what I've been
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through and had that support network
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around me yeah we'll get into that later
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on in the podcast in um and as much or
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as little detail as as what you want um
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but yeah I I I can relate to a lot of it
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and I was thinking about on the drive
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down today and actually this is
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something I got from um the podcast I
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did with um another good friend of yours
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uh Sophie Divine um with my own mental
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health struggles like I think it's given
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me so much like it's made me a more
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empathetic person um it's made me more
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understanding of other people so even
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though it's it's [ __ ] [ __ ] to go
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through that stuff um there are like
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pluses that you can see from it right
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yeah definitely like it's crawl like
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depression's crawl um but it does give
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you perspective when you kind of come
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out the other side and you do learn a
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lot I've always been a real empath
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empath so uh ever since I was young so
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I've always kind of Taken on or F other
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people's emotions and being quite
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sensitive growing up but yeah it
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definitely it definitely does it does
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help you it's kind of what they say you
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know it makes you stronger I guess um
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it's like any setback it's you know how
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you can move forward from that yeah it's
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funny though way like how how it just
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doesn't discriminate like your your
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sister who you're very close with and
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she's in the mount [ __ ] with you at the
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moment so she had um a condition called
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Bell's posy when she was young she's got
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diagnosed with diabetes as well so on
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paper you'd think she's the one that
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should have you know mental health
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issues yeah it's just not how it works
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no it's not how it works and it's crazy
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how powerful your brain is um it's
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ridiculous and it doesn't discriminate
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and I think that's the thing like I say
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just be kind to people because people
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have stories and you have no idea what's
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going on in their life or in their head
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and you know if you can just be kind
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because you don't know what could set
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someone off yeah yeah 10 10 years ago if
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um if someone said to me what do you
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want to be uh or if someone told me I
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was kind i' I'd like bristle at the word
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I [ __ ] hated it I didn't didn't I
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didn't want to be seen as being like
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kind I just wanted to be like a savage
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or funny or something um now I'd take it
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as the the biggest compliment CU I I
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agree you never know what what like what
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what path of PE people are on or what
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Journey people are going through so I
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think a little kindness goes a long way
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eh yeah it's always time for the the
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Savage joke if your close mates isn't
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there 100% kind you know if you're kind
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you can give that joke to your mates
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yeah for sure okay we'll we'll um we'll
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park that to one side for a second and
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we'll get back to some we'll do some fun
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stuff and then we'll get back to that
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later on so first of all um go back to
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um a very very young melee cure what
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what are your what are your earliest
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memories yeah um my childhood I it's
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funny I think I had like I love my
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childhood it was just were outside all
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the time playing sport big family um so
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kind of like my cousins some of my
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cousins live with with us growing up my
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uncle and auntie and so there's always a
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full house um and yeah just really
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active and lots of friends lots of
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family so love growing up
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I yeah I was always quite a chilled out
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kid as well and always looked out for
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other people as well and I think a lot
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of that I can stem from when I was young
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my mom had breast cancer and I used to
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go every day um to the hospital with her
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when she was going through chemo so how
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old were you like three three yes about
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three um what do you can you remember
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much about that that's very young did
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you know what was going on or you just
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traing around with your mom no idea
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really um what was going on but I think
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speaking to people and from things there
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probably like I think that's where my
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empathy came from as well seeing my mom
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my mom wrote letters I guess throughout
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that time and um she always apparently I
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always said um when I started school
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even at five or yeah five years old I
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said oh my mom's still sick cuz she's
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got short hair so I just assume short
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hair means you're sick um that's so cute
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and then like yeah Jess growing up Jess
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was quite independent like so what's the
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age get with you two two three years
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almost three years okay um but yeah like
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I remember J's first day of school she
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was sweet as like get me in there I
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remember my first day of school I'm
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looking out the windows my mom's leaving
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like crying just and I think I just
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didn't want to leave my mom's side and I
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think part of that too is because like a
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nurturing
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thing yeah every day I kind of saw her
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sick growing up and um but yeah I love
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my childhood um but I was always really
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sensitive and aware of struggles around
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around us um what like I think just
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everyday type of struggles but
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um I guess Jess growing up it was like
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she did running and she was so
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passionate about it and and really good
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at it but you know she had bows posy
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when she was young um yes so what does
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what does that mean exactly so half her
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face was paralyzed um so it's basically
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like a mini stroke in her face and you
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know she couldn't drink out of a cup she
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needed a straw she like couldn't close
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her eye um for a while she sleep in a
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little eye patch and um yeah so she had
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that and then she had type 1 diabetes um
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you know my mom had cancer and then it
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came back again when I was about 18 and
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then my dad lost his parents um within
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about 6 months of each other um then my
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auntie my auntie got quite sick um um
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and with mental health problems and was
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an alcoholic um
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so um yeah there was all of that
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happening and I was young but I seemed
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to observe a lot and and notice notice
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those things
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um and you know I just carried on doing
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what I love playing Sport with my
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friends but I was always quite hyper
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aware um and then I went kind of went to
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college and suicide seemed to be a
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common common theme around me like my my
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boyfriend at College his dad had
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committed suicide not while we were
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together but um I was kind of one of the
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first P people he opened up to about
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that and he actually only found out at a
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young age and then I had a boy in my
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class um who were in the same class for
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5 years wasn't my best mate or anything
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but um he had committed suicide as well
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in year 13 and
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that it was just it felt like it became
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a normal word in my world and then um in
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2020 my best one of my best mates Dan FY
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who was on trading water um which was
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extremely Brave of him to want to be a
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part of it his younger brother had
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committed suicide and yeah it just
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became normal and I think because I'm
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such a deep thinker and I'm an empath it
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just
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I just wasn't I just was in this world
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and I just think I saw a lot happening
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around me it's funny yeah cuz I suppose
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you could there's two ways of sort of
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looking at it when you're exposed to I
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suppose that much um suicide like on on
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on the one perspective you could go okay
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well you know this this is a it's it's a
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way out and it's a it's it's an option
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that we've all got open to us that we
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can explore if things get really bad but
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then on the flip side of that you can go
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um
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like you realize um for the for the
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person that's taking their own life
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their pain stops but but it doesn't go
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away it gets transferred to everyone
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around them the the ripple effect of
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anyone you know people that obviously
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feel there the world's going to beit
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better off place without them but the
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the impact it leaves and the hole it
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leaves it's just the magnitude is
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massive yeah it's even the whole
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Community like it's even the people that
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don't know the person it just affects a
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community um and yeah it's it's so sad
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like it oh it is it's it's one of the
00:11:02
saddest things imaginable yeah so that's
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um so that's young Amelia K and then um
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so cricket was cricket was always part
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of your life so your parents were both
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pretty good Cricket yeah so both my
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parents played for Wellington dad played
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Indoor Cricket for New Zealand he kept
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in them and then my papa played for the
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black caps um and that's right on on
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your mom's side yeah yeah yeah so mom's
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my mom's side's big big like all the
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cousins are close and we just grew up in
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the backyard I played with uh my cousins
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and and then mates so I played boys
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Cricket growing up till I was 18 um so
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yeah all like in boys teams yeah yeah
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and loved it yeah as I I mean she she's
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um quite a bit older than you but um
00:11:49
another girl from Tower Sophie Divine
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had her on the podcast and she had the
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same sort of experience did you um yeah
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what sort of negativity or backlash can
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you recall from that like playing boys
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teams like was there anything like uh I
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had um I had none I think because IID
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played boys Cricket since I was 5 years
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old through to 18 you kind of played the
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same guys throughout so it's almost just
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like you were you were one of them um
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you know I captained uh the boys teams I
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played in when we got older as well so
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yeah it was just normal it was it was my
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normal and it was actually the normal as
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well it was more when we like went up
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North to Hastings Cricket camp and you'd
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play teams boys teams had never played
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against a girl and they're like this is
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weird and trashly and whatnot what age
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about
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12 you can you recall of seding they're
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coming out with at 12 it's not good
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seding I might grow
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up so you just are you're hopeless but
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no it was it was good fun so yeah big
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family big group of family friends
00:13:02
really close still close with them all
00:13:04
today yeah um yeah active active
00:13:07
lifestyle and then is did you show like
00:13:10
sort of promise or Talent as a young
00:13:12
player
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or I think so yeah I yeah I so I play I
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played a lot of sports growing up um
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Cricket football Athletics and cross
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country and then like intermediate
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played a little bit of basketball and
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rugby sevens and and whatnot but cricket
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it was kind of always the passion and
00:13:31
what I wanted to do but it wasn't until
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IID watched white FS play on TV and I
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was like that's what I want to be and
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that was about at 9 years old and then I
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remember um I wasn't scoring heaps of
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runs on Saturdays and I'm I'm a
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perfectionist and I I yeah so that's
00:13:53
also a little bit of probably like
00:13:55
mental health stuff is I had to be a
00:13:57
certain way for every everyone else I
00:13:59
had to be perfect everything I had to do
00:14:01
do had to be perfect for everyone around
00:14:03
me everyone expected me to be this
00:14:06
certain way but to a degree it has
00:14:09
helped my
00:14:10
training um like I'm I'm the same it's
00:14:13
[ __ ] exhausting hey it's annoy can't
00:14:15
get tiring but yeah in some ways I think
00:14:17
well it's it's a superpower in a way
00:14:20
yeah it can help you but it's exhausting
00:14:22
yeah and are you like that with
00:14:24
everything or is it like can you I know
00:14:27
you've got into you we into your
00:14:29
resilience plan and your mental health
00:14:30
strategy but I've read you're into
00:14:32
photography now and playing the guitar
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can you do things just for fun and not
00:14:36
have to be good at them I can do things
00:14:38
for fun and and not have to be good at
00:14:42
them but if I'm like if I'm going to do
00:14:45
something I want to do it
00:14:46
well so but I know I'm not going to be
00:14:50
I'm not going to be the best at
00:14:51
everything but like if we're doing
00:14:53
something and it's a challenge I want to
00:14:55
win so so you're a punish so this this
00:15:00
there's somewhat there's somewhat of I
00:15:02
can't just go out and enjoy myself but I
00:15:04
do like doing things well um but yeah I
00:15:08
remember when I was young I wasn't
00:15:09
scoring runs um on on a Saturday and I
00:15:13
was like to my dad why why am I not
00:15:16
scoring runs I'm not that good and then
00:15:19
I kind I think it came from my parents
00:15:21
so they both work really hard and I
00:15:23
thought if you want to be good at
00:15:24
anything in life you have to work hard
00:15:26
for it so then I saw that game when I
00:15:29
was nine watching the white ferns I was
00:15:30
like all right I need to go to the Nets
00:15:33
before school and team trainings aren't
00:15:36
enough so at about 9 or 10 dad and I
00:15:40
would go to the local Nets uh before
00:15:42
primary school started and I'd bet with
00:15:45
him and pretend I was a white F betting
00:15:48
with Sophie and suie and then I'd Bowl
00:15:50
pretending I was bowling it you know the
00:15:52
aie woman's team that I play against now
00:15:54
I've got goosebumps hearing the story
00:15:56
like your your friends and teammates
00:15:58
with them now
00:16:00
they that age and they're still playing
00:16:02
and they had an impact on you as a
00:16:03
9-year-old girl it's boners it is and
00:16:05
it's funny like I remember um with Dad
00:16:10
would like do a scenario and play play
00:16:12
like it was a game and I'd get him to
00:16:14
commentate and then like if I got a 50
00:16:17
I'd raise my bat but as soon as cars
00:16:19
drove past or if there was someone out
00:16:21
someone else in the Nets I'd walk up to
00:16:23
Dan and be like don't commentate
00:16:27
to your boy dead I know I was like we
00:16:30
got to be quiet while there other people
00:16:32
here not racing my bet today but I just
00:16:34
visualized like I was betting in front
00:16:36
of a full crowd you
00:16:39
know that was funny man well how um I'm
00:16:43
I'm just curious so so you're 22 now
00:16:45
yeah so so it was 13 years ago that you
00:16:49
were nine and you were watching the
00:16:50
white how how were you watching the
00:16:52
white F on TV was it even televised it
00:16:54
was like there was one game that was
00:16:56
televised that I watched um I'd been to
00:16:58
a couple home matches so I'd seen a
00:17:01
handful of games but I knew the players
00:17:04
um cuz I'd watch the Wellington Blazers
00:17:06
play as well so they' played like you
00:17:09
know I'd see Sophie play and then they
00:17:10
play otago see Suzie play but yeah
00:17:13
that's I guess how I knew but it was
00:17:15
there was one game on TV that I remember
00:17:17
vividly it's so cool that you've um
00:17:19
you've got these memories and these role
00:17:22
models that are that are now your
00:17:23
friends cuz it's I mean it would have
00:17:26
been just as easy or even it was easier
00:17:29
for Your Role Models to be like I don't
00:17:31
know like Martin gaple or Kane
00:17:33
Williamson or you know whoever was big
00:17:35
in the men's game at the time yeah there
00:17:37
was definitely men's players too I
00:17:39
looked up to but yeah I was fortunate
00:17:42
that I got those one two games I watched
00:17:45
on TV to have those Role Models um which
00:17:49
now you know it's televised more so you
00:17:52
can have those Role Models but I
00:17:53
probably only got to watch because I
00:17:55
come from a cricketing family and my dad
00:17:57
would have known that they were playing
00:17:58
on TV otherwise yeah you know you'd have
00:18:01
no idea yeah so if I mean if you're
00:18:03
around long enough there's every
00:18:05
likelihood that there's going to be some
00:18:06
9-year-old kid now that's at the Nets
00:18:09
with her dad dad commentating maybe
00:18:11
maybe being you yeah and that's the cool
00:18:15
thing and I think that's now like when
00:18:16
you're signing kids stuff after games
00:18:19
and whatnot it's taking the time um but
00:18:22
also when you chat to them and they tell
00:18:25
you they love cricket and whatnot you
00:18:27
say I whole be playing with you in 5 10
00:18:30
years time and their face just like
00:18:31
lights up but that's you know that I was
00:18:35
at the Nets and saw Sophie and suie and
00:18:38
they said that that's what happened to
00:18:39
me as a dream come
00:18:41
true that's amazing and then and then
00:18:43
you um you play rep Cricket for
00:18:45
Wellington when you're what like 13 14
00:18:47
yeah 14 14 that's crazy yeah I looked
00:18:51
pretty small then that is that is nuts
00:18:54
so so it's what was the average age of
00:18:56
the team they all women yeah yeah I was
00:18:59
the youngest by a we while um yeah
00:19:02
probably ranged from 14 to 30 odd right
00:19:06
who so who do you talk to on the team or
00:19:08
do they do they all feel like aunties or
00:19:11
um I was so shy so nervous not nervous
00:19:16
to play but nervous to be
00:19:19
around people that what am I going to
00:19:22
talk to them about so I well I think I
00:19:25
think that's a very reasonable fear as
00:19:27
well what have you got in common
00:19:28
absolutely nothing yeah apart from
00:19:30
cricket yeah so I actually found
00:19:32
probably that first year quite hard I
00:19:35
love the onfield stuff um the onfield
00:19:38
stuff was awesome CU I just wanted to
00:19:40
play cricket and and loved it but yeah
00:19:42
it was hard cuz I just felt like I was
00:19:46
nervous and shy I had a really nice
00:19:50
roommate um Alex Evans who doesn't play
00:19:53
anymore but she was older um an older
00:19:57
one in the team and and she just took
00:20:00
like took me in looked after me like I
00:20:02
was a kid so how old was she at the time
00:20:06
well she would have been like 20s yeah
00:20:08
mid late 20s so and she just took me in
00:20:10
and looked after me and yeah I always
00:20:14
remembered that as I kind of thought
00:20:17
that's what I want to be like when I'm
00:20:20
older and young there's a young girl
00:20:21
coming into the team cuz it's scary yeah
00:20:25
but you weren't you weren't scared or
00:20:26
anxious or nervous about the onfield
00:20:28
stuff you were fine with that yeah fine
00:20:30
with that I isn't that funny yeah I am
00:20:33
there's there's a saying that um youth
00:20:35
is wasted on the young yeah it's like
00:20:36
you just have no sort of fear do you no
00:20:38
fear but I think even now I don't really
00:20:41
get nervous at all playing Cricket um
00:20:44
you know there moments where you get a
00:20:45
little bit nervous but I've always been
00:20:48
very calm and I just love it so much and
00:20:51
I think because I love it that you know
00:20:54
there's nothing else i' of RA be doing
00:20:57
so I'm just playing the game my love and
00:20:59
if I prepare well I trust that so I've
00:21:03
never really gotten nervous and it's
00:21:04
just about going out and enjoying
00:21:06
myself but yeah there's definitely
00:21:08
moments that you do get nervous too and
00:21:11
and so that age when you're when you're
00:21:13
14 and you playing in the uh the
00:21:14
Wellington rep team if you have a like a
00:21:17
bad Innings and I don't know if you ever
00:21:18
got a duck or anything but how did you
00:21:21
cope with that emotionally you sort of
00:21:24
Susie B told me a story like she she'd
00:21:26
go to the toilets and have a little cry
00:21:28
she still does
00:21:29
that do she on a bad bad day it's very
00:21:32
rare now it's very rare she won't let me
00:21:35
say that um I have been very lucky with
00:21:40
the family I've grown up up in and like
00:21:42
sport is amazing it teaches you so many
00:21:45
lessons I think um but I think I've
00:21:47
learned a lot of that through my family
00:21:49
and I remember when I was young my dad
00:21:51
said to me if I turn up to the ground
00:21:54
and you're walking off the field and I
00:21:56
haven't watched a single ball I don't
00:21:58
want to know if you've got a duck or a
00:21:59
100 so that's kind of been my thing like
00:22:03
if I get out yes I wish I'm still
00:22:06
betting and whatnot but I can't change
00:22:07
it so that's kind of my thing like if I
00:22:11
can keep my body body language good go
00:22:13
spec sit back with the team and then Pro
00:22:16
I'll process it later um and whatnot but
00:22:19
yeah I think that was a great message
00:22:21
from my dad that it was like yeah duck
00:22:24
or 100 I don't want to know and I think
00:22:27
with Cricket being such a Fickle game
00:22:29
like if you get too high on the good
00:22:30
stuff and too low on the bad stuff it's
00:22:32
going to be a bloody tough sport because
00:22:34
yeah you know there's so many variables
00:22:37
yeah and you're going to ride the highs
00:22:38
and lows aren't you yeah I think like
00:22:41
through my career I've been quite lucky
00:22:45
and that I think that messaging but I've
00:22:47
been very level throughout my cricketing
00:22:49
career and it's a little bit like
00:22:52
perspective I think like at the end of
00:22:54
the day it is just a game but I get you
00:22:57
put so much work work into it like when
00:22:59
it when it doesn't come off it it's
00:23:01
tough when the team loses it's tough but
00:23:04
it is trying to be as level as possible
00:23:06
and um but yeah I think there's tough
00:23:09
moments and you know World Cups have
00:23:11
been tough I think for our group and
00:23:13
that's probably where the lows hit uh
00:23:16
most of the time is we have
00:23:18
underperformed and as a team and that's
00:23:20
that's been tough but yeah I think
00:23:22
staying level and
00:23:23
Sport but like the um where things are
00:23:26
at now especially with these like sort
00:23:28
of short short stint competitions that
00:23:31
you do like you've just recently been in
00:23:32
the UK for this what's it called the 100
00:23:35
yeah it's 100 Balls yeah 100 Balls so
00:23:38
you get paid a lot of money to be part
00:23:39
of this franchise for a very short
00:23:41
tournament um do you feel guilty if you
00:23:44
don't play well it's a good question
00:23:47
yeah I guess that's like some somewhat
00:23:50
and the you do want to play well it's
00:23:53
like they have picked me and they're
00:23:56
paying me to perform so but I guess also
00:23:59
it's like it's the sport though is it
00:24:01
it's the sport and it's a job like you
00:24:04
know if you're bad at your job you could
00:24:06
get fired and it's the same for us um
00:24:09
the only thing is with sport like the
00:24:11
margins and the you can see it right in
00:24:15
front of you the numbers are right there
00:24:17
so you know when you've had a bad day
00:24:18
you know when you've had a good day but
00:24:21
yeah there's no hiding is there there's
00:24:23
yeah there's no hiding but I guess like
00:24:25
for me every time I play batting bowling
00:24:28
Fielding I just want to contribute I
00:24:30
want to do the best I can in all three
00:24:32
and that's that's a thing and I think
00:24:34
I'm lucky too as an
00:24:36
allrounder um that you know if I fail
00:24:39
betting I can still make a difference
00:24:40
for the team with my bowling or in the
00:24:43
or in the field um and then the things
00:24:46
that people don't see is the impact you
00:24:48
can have off the field um which in those
00:24:51
leagues I think it's extremely valuable
00:24:53
when you're bringing people in when
00:24:55
you're bringing leaders in from around
00:24:57
the world you can have a real impact on
00:24:59
the group also yeah and as so you make
00:25:02
the New Zealand team when you were 16
00:25:05
yeah [ __ ] can you remember that were you
00:25:08
in was it a surprise or were you sort of
00:25:11
on the was there like quite a bit of
00:25:12
heat around you at the time were you on
00:25:14
the selector you know like radar or
00:25:17
frame of reference yeah I think it was
00:25:21
was a real surprise to me um I had Aron
00:25:26
a year before that so there was a World
00:25:28
Cup I made my debut in 2016 and then
00:25:30
there was a 50 over World Cup in England
00:25:33
in 2017 and about the year before I made
00:25:36
the white ferns I had a I didn't have a
00:25:40
coffee but I had a coffee with my dad
00:25:42
and um we spoke about the white Ferns
00:25:45
and about that World Cup and I was like
00:25:47
that would be cool to play in that and D
00:25:50
was like you probably won't make it so
00:25:52
you were 15 at yeah 15 he's like it' be
00:25:55
very unlikely for you to make it but you
00:25:59
might get picked like he was like but
00:26:01
you could if you go really well you
00:26:03
could get picked as a 15th player and
00:26:05
they take you for like I just to sort of
00:26:07
bleed you for future tournament for the
00:26:08
future yeah and then I made my debut for
00:26:12
the white fins in 2016 which did not
00:26:15
think at all that was going to happen uh
00:26:18
played in played in that Series against
00:26:20
Pakistan at home and then went to Aussie
00:26:24
we played Aussie and then we played
00:26:25
Aussie at home and arose bow and I
00:26:28
played all those games um and then they
00:26:31
had to pick the World Cup team got in
00:26:34
that went to England and ended up
00:26:37
playing every single game over there so
00:26:39
it's amazing how like two years before
00:26:41
that it was kind of like H there's a 10%
00:26:45
chance you'll get picked as that 15th
00:26:48
member in the squad to going to playing
00:26:50
every game and I just yeah I just I got
00:26:53
that opportunity when I was 16 and yeah
00:26:57
I think
00:26:58
again I had people that backed me and
00:27:01
that always helps like who I guess well
00:27:04
my family but the coach to pick me at 16
00:27:09
and play me and the people in the team
00:27:12
as well like I felt like they weren't
00:27:15
like oh you shouldn't be
00:27:17
here piss off kid like they weren't like
00:27:20
who's your daughter on yeah we're not
00:27:25
babysitting so take your Tech off
00:27:28
somewhere else yeah I just felt you know
00:27:32
when you um might enter a job or an
00:27:35
environment and you feel like you have
00:27:37
to prove yourself first and I definitely
00:27:41
have felt that in my career but I I I
00:27:44
feel like anyone anyone in the sort of
00:27:45
Team environment high performance team
00:27:47
environments probably has to do that
00:27:49
every step of the way right yeah you
00:27:50
feel like Pro yeah but yeah sometimes
00:27:54
you can put too much pressure on
00:27:55
yourself and it doesn't get the best out
00:27:57
of you some people it gets the best out
00:27:59
of them but yeah yeah I just I was
00:28:01
really backed and Susie was a captain at
00:28:03
the time and she just she trusted me cuz
00:28:06
I for a young Cricket I thought about
00:28:08
the game I loved it I technically
00:28:11
thought about the game um so I was quite
00:28:14
confident and knowing what I wanted to
00:28:16
do and what type of player I was at that
00:28:19
time um and yeah she just trusted me and
00:28:23
I loved training so I competed hard and
00:28:26
when I was in Nets to with the white FS
00:28:29
like for me I wanted to play so I was
00:28:31
like got to give everything and training
00:28:34
like you got to be again the best you
00:28:37
can be to make sure you get on that Park
00:28:41
um and I was kind of like yeah just the
00:28:44
mentality I had probably from a young
00:28:45
age to just not much phas me with not
00:28:49
getting nervous and whatnot and I just
00:28:51
wanted to be out there I I wanted to be
00:28:53
that person in those moments was like me
00:28:57
at the the Nets with my dad commentating
00:28:59
and I'd go to school and we do creative
00:29:01
writing and I'd talk about heading the
00:29:02
winning runs in a World Cup final and
00:29:05
and all of that it was just like I D it
00:29:08
yeah it's almost like visualizing it or
00:29:09
manifesting it or something it is kind
00:29:11
of like manifesting and yeah this yeah
00:29:16
and Vis Vis Vis I can't speak
00:29:19
visualization yes that's the word um
00:29:21
that's crazy and so and it was around
00:29:23
this time so I think when you were 17
00:29:25
you were playing um Ireland and you got
00:29:28
232 232 runs not out which is [ __ ]
00:29:31
insane but I've seen video footage of
00:29:34
that it looks like it's on like a school
00:29:35
field or something it was on a club
00:29:37
ground right there's houses in the back
00:29:40
hous in just that old Irish Irish kind
00:29:43
of kind of ground it was a cool little
00:29:45
ground but yeah it's amazing now where
00:29:47
we're playing from where where it's come
00:29:49
but yeah yeah it is it's it's remarkable
00:29:52
yeah it like so that's like five years
00:29:55
ago and um so it's such a short passage
00:29:58
of time but so much has changed yeah
00:30:00
ridiculous amounts yeah like the footage
00:30:02
I've seen looks like it's recorded on
00:30:03
someone's handicam or phone I think it
00:30:07
was so what what are your Recollections
00:30:09
of that was it just a just a day or a
00:30:11
game where just everything went right
00:30:14
you're in that flow State what happened
00:30:16
I think so so I wasn't it's like people
00:30:19
like what are you thinking about well I
00:30:20
wasn't thinking and I think that
00:30:23
sometimes when you're in your best form
00:30:26
as a batter and and Cricket you just are
00:30:29
so your mind's so clear um but yeah I
00:30:33
started my career as a bowler but I
00:30:36
always bed growing up and always have
00:30:38
been pretty technically technically good
00:30:41
and it was kind of a strength thing with
00:30:42
betting and um yeah I got the
00:30:45
opportunity to open the betting that
00:30:47
game and I didn't bet much for New
00:30:49
Zealand um so I just wanted to kind of
00:30:51
make the most of it and I've been
00:30:53
working really hard on my betting and
00:30:56
yeah just you know had a bit of luck
00:30:59
along the way but things just kind of
00:31:02
fell into place and it was just playing
00:31:04
I guess a strength strength based
00:31:06
approach playing my game but not
00:31:08
premeditating not overthinking and yeah
00:31:12
it's everyone asked about it and I don't
00:31:14
really know what to say ever but I think
00:31:18
it was just I loved betting and I wasn't
00:31:21
a better at that point in my career um
00:31:23
and I wasn't after that either but I
00:31:26
just wanted to make most of that
00:31:27
opportunity yeah 232 not out it's insane
00:31:31
it's crazy he yeah I mean you you look
00:31:33
back now he still in the in the early
00:31:36
stages of your career but you're an
00:31:37
established player like you you look
00:31:39
back now and what do you think like
00:31:41
you're a you're a kid basically he yeah
00:31:43
I mean I haven't thought about it too
00:31:45
much but yeah when you think when as you
00:31:47
get older and you think about it I was
00:31:50
17 still in school
00:31:53
and yeah I but it was yeah crazy day
00:31:56
really and and and you oh and so the
00:31:59
team went out to celebrate afterwards
00:32:00
and you you couldn't even go to the go
00:32:02
to the so they all had a drinking we all
00:32:04
we all had a drink in the bar afterwards
00:32:07
um what do you have like like a
00:32:08
raspberry and lemonade yeah the classic
00:32:10
raspberry and Coke um but yeah so the we
00:32:14
had a team drink in the bar I was
00:32:15
allowed in the bar because someone could
00:32:17
just say they're my parents um so yeah
00:32:21
it was nice like the team celebrated it
00:32:23
they had a drink for me and then you
00:32:25
know love Island was on so
00:32:27
had to get back for that because that
00:32:29
was the show everyone was watching oh
00:32:30
was was that the season with um Tommy
00:32:32
and Molly yeah it probably was actually
00:32:34
still going wow and then did life change
00:32:37
much after that I mean that's when you
00:32:39
first came onto my radar cuz I I read
00:32:41
about it but in reflection now I mean it
00:32:45
it would have been a 30 second piece on
00:32:46
the news not the lead story yeah like if
00:32:49
if Bowden Barrett had a hamstring injury
00:32:51
it would have been ahead of that in the
00:32:53
sports news that night probably yeah and
00:32:55
lots again a lots Chang
00:32:58
since then but yeah did much change for
00:32:59
you I guess yeah well nothing
00:33:04
changed but you know there was media
00:33:08
interviews I was annoyed because the
00:33:10
like the next day cuz I was a teenager
00:33:13
while sleeping in and tired after that
00:33:16
day and then the media manager like so
00:33:18
breakfast TV want to talk to you can you
00:33:20
get up at 6: a.m. and
00:33:23
I
00:33:25
sheez so yeah there was there was more I
00:33:29
guess media around it um even today
00:33:34
every now and then you still get asked
00:33:35
about it so it definitely you just get
00:33:38
asked about it and there was a lot of
00:33:39
media at the time but I didn't really
00:33:43
see it or anything cuz I was over in
00:33:45
Ireland um which I think was good just
00:33:47
to not be there to you know to hear that
00:33:52
hear that stuff um and I don't go on
00:33:54
social media too much ever and look at
00:33:58
um not getting a high on your own Supply
00:34:00
yeah yeah yeah well yeah I mean because
00:34:03
yeah it's a it's a double- eded sword
00:34:04
isn't it so if you if you if you're
00:34:05
going to do that
00:34:07
and yeah 100% you're got to take the
00:34:09
good with the bad yeah but no it it
00:34:11
didn't change anything but I guess you
00:34:14
know to a degree it gave me somewhat a
00:34:17
little bit of confidence that I have a
00:34:19
method that I can score runs but at that
00:34:22
time you know Ireland were a weaker
00:34:24
weaker team in the world and I wanted to
00:34:26
be able to do I wanted to be able to
00:34:28
score runs against the big Nations and
00:34:31
and and the big countries and um so then
00:34:35
almost after that it became quite tough
00:34:37
because I wasn't an established batter
00:34:39
at all I had one good Innings or one or
00:34:42
two good Innings and then I kind of got
00:34:45
moved around the order um you know I'd
00:34:48
bet six and then I'd fail and I'd be
00:34:50
back down at 9: and then three games
00:34:53
later I'd be up at 6 again and I was
00:34:55
just like I need to score score runs
00:34:58
every time I bet to stti to keep my spot
00:35:01
there so I was getting picked as a
00:35:02
bowler regardless but for me I wanted to
00:35:04
be picked as an allrounder and so then I
00:35:07
was like no one thinks I'm good enough
00:35:10
but I want to bet so badly and it wasn't
00:35:13
until I probably trusted my game and had
00:35:18
um well Bob Carter was amazing for my
00:35:20
betting and who's he he was the uh last
00:35:23
white F's coach and he came in and he
00:35:25
betted me three
00:35:27
and that's probably where I had like a
00:35:29
breakout um Series against India and
00:35:35
that just gave me a lot of confidence
00:35:36
that I'm good enough to be in this
00:35:38
position and I'm good enough to be in
00:35:39
this role and he gave me a lot of
00:35:42
confidence that you know he backed me he
00:35:44
was like you're good enough to be here
00:35:46
so I think that really helped um so I
00:35:50
was almost like I had that score but
00:35:52
then I still felt like I had to keep
00:35:55
proving myself every time I
00:35:57
beted yeah it's funny though day that's
00:36:00
how it is it's not like yeah I'm done
00:36:01
now this is that I'm set yeah every I
00:36:03
suppose every time you go out there you
00:36:05
got to keep proving something you got
00:36:06
something to prove every [ __ ] time
00:36:08
yeah it's exhausting yeah can get ex but
00:36:11
how good I yeah you you didn't I'll
00:36:14
bring it up since you haven't in that
00:36:15
game you got five wickets as well so 232
00:36:18
runs not out in five wickets I don't
00:36:20
care how week you say the Irish team is
00:36:22
it's still a phenomenal game yeah I mean
00:36:24
it's never going to happen for me again
00:36:26
and my career um but yeah I was
00:36:29
absolutely naked after the betting
00:36:31
Innings uh I'm not I don't hit Sixers
00:36:34
like Sophie um so there's a bit more
00:36:36
running going on in my Innings so i'
00:36:39
done a fair few KS and uh had a was
00:36:42
sleep between
00:36:44
Innings and then fed that first slip and
00:36:47
got through the power play and Susie
00:36:49
goes merely warm up and my body I'm
00:36:53
knacked and then I warm had to bowl I
00:36:57
was like Susie really and then yeah got
00:37:01
five wickets um amazing just tried to
00:37:05
hit the stumps but yeah it's just and go
00:37:08
going back to school after that what was
00:37:09
that like you have to have to make a
00:37:11
speech at the school assembly or
00:37:12
anything did did no one really care or
00:37:14
did yeah was it a big deal I think my my
00:37:17
principal loves sports so um but yeah my
00:37:21
friends at my school friends that
00:37:23
weren't in sport knew nothing about
00:37:25
Cricket so quite nice so you'd come home
00:37:28
and they have no idea or like they' see
00:37:31
and they be like that's cool yeah
00:37:34
Cricket yeah it's quite a polarizing
00:37:35
sport a I really love Cricket but I I
00:37:38
can't think of many of my girl mates
00:37:39
that have any interest at all yeah so it
00:37:43
was quite nice for me like I just went
00:37:45
back to school and was a teenager again
00:37:47
like I was just a kid
00:37:49
and yeah I didn't like being asked about
00:37:53
cricket from my school friends as well I
00:37:55
just wanted to be a kid um and that was
00:37:59
important you know like you get mention
00:38:01
in school assemblies and stuff and and
00:38:05
all of that but I had the thing growing
00:38:06
up too which just funny it's I think
00:38:08
it's a little bit like that New Zealand
00:38:10
tall poppy syndrome but you know I'd get
00:38:14
a principal's award or go up for
00:38:16
something at prize giving and I just
00:38:18
would go up straight face and look real
00:38:21
like sad or angry because I thought if
00:38:23
you smiled you looked arrogant
00:38:27
so so you'd get like an award and shake
00:38:29
the hand and you just be
00:38:31
like nothing it's almost like the thing
00:38:34
your dad told you like I don't want to
00:38:36
know if you won an award or lost an
00:38:37
award not just like dead pan but it's
00:38:41
almost looks like I'm annoyed to get you
00:38:44
know so but it's funny that I just
00:38:47
thought you know like if you smile or
00:38:50
what not it then you look happy to
00:38:52
receive it and then you're arrogant
00:38:55
right which is actually not the case but
00:38:58
when I was about 12 that's what I
00:39:00
thought yeah that's so cute fun and then
00:39:04
when when did your sister make um the
00:39:06
team she's older than you but she's
00:39:08
she's not I get the feeling she's not as
00:39:10
passionate about Cricket as what you are
00:39:11
she she was like a 3,000 M runner for a
00:39:13
while yeah yeah awful distance to run I
00:39:16
love running it's a terrible distance
00:39:18
yeah she did that in uh 1500 met um but
00:39:22
yeah so she loved her running and then
00:39:24
she's had injuries with her CS
00:39:27
uh she played Cricket growing up took a
00:39:28
break um from it didn't really like
00:39:30
Cricket
00:39:32
um yeah got bored as most people that's
00:39:36
why they give up you got if if you're
00:39:38
going to play cricket you've got to love
00:39:40
Fielding that's the key but yeah so she
00:39:43
then started playing for Wellington
00:39:45
again or got in the Wellington Squad
00:39:47
when she was about 17 18 but she always
00:39:51
stayed in the game through playing
00:39:52
Indoor Cricket and and she had a couple
00:39:55
really good years with Wellington and
00:39:58
2020 made her white F's debut so she
00:40:01
would have been about 23 right just
00:40:03
turned 23 I think um she's been amazing
00:40:07
for this group like is she how I um she
00:40:10
just has a point of difference and
00:40:13
woman's cricket and swing bowling's been
00:40:15
so effective and we haven't had an ins
00:40:18
swinger for a while and she's just come
00:40:20
in and done really well with the new
00:40:22
ball and um I think she doesn't quite
00:40:27
know how good she is actually um but
00:40:31
yeah it's awesome to see Jess loving it
00:40:34
and and playing sport again because you
00:40:37
know it's tough for her not being able
00:40:39
to run um and it's great having family
00:40:43
on tour we like best mates her and I so
00:40:47
yeah did she was she really good at the
00:40:48
running was she did she really love it
00:40:50
she loved it do you know what do you
00:40:51
know I you you know how these people
00:40:53
that don't know anything about Cricket I
00:40:55
don't know if you know this but what was
00:40:56
her time what was her time for like 1500
00:40:59
1500 this think she about 12 she did a
00:41:03
454 456 w wow and I'm pretty sure she
00:41:07
had a Wellington record for her 3K for
00:41:09
like school um like Wellington region
00:41:13
she did like a 10 something no way [ __ ]
00:41:17
that's insane she was moving at like 12
00:41:20
uh 3K she would have been a bit older
00:41:22
right wow and it's such an uncomfortable
00:41:25
distance to run like just your lungs are
00:41:27
burning from lap number one yeah so
00:41:29
awful she's in a much better place now I
00:41:32
know with everyone you don't need to go
00:41:36
blow your lungs every day and um so the
00:41:40
the IPL you played um in um India this
00:41:43
year for the the Mumbai Indians um how
00:41:47
do you feel about that the money side of
00:41:49
things with everyone knowing you know
00:41:50
you [ __ ] yeah I mean it's a whole
00:41:53
another world over there um cuz you got
00:41:56
you got sold for
00:41:57
192,000 yeah 190 I think do you if you
00:42:01
don't want to talk about any the money
00:42:02
side of things because it can can be
00:42:03
about Crest that's totally cool but I i'
00:42:06
I'd be curious like how like how much of
00:42:08
that money do you actually see yeah
00:42:10
that's like because all all now with
00:42:12
these contracts your money is comes out
00:42:15
and it's in a thing I think for me like
00:42:19
I leading into that auction I was
00:42:23
thinking it's could be tough if you get
00:42:25
sold for a lot of money
00:42:28
because everyone's going to see it and I
00:42:30
just think for me as like a 22y old I
00:42:34
grew up in Tower and went to Tower
00:42:37
College was quite a diverse school um
00:42:41
and you've got mates as well it's like I
00:42:43
kind of you almost like feel guilty in a
00:42:46
way yeah like success success guilt in a
00:42:49
way yeah which is and like this maybe
00:42:52
part of that steems from and I mean this
00:42:54
is all internally from your side but but
00:42:56
it's maybe it's tied up with that tall
00:42:58
poppy thing a bit as well yeah and
00:43:00
there's like players that have played
00:43:01
before you that don't play for much but
00:43:04
I mean you got to look at it is an it's
00:43:06
an amazing opportunity now for women's
00:43:08
Cricket young girls
00:43:09
seeing um seeing that like you can make
00:43:12
a real career out of this and you know
00:43:14
if you're that's incredible it's not
00:43:16
something to be embarrassed about it's
00:43:17
[ __ ] awesome yeah so like obviously
00:43:19
you'd rather it not be showing to the
00:43:21
media um but but still kind of badass in
00:43:24
a way it's amazing yeah but people see
00:43:27
that and they're like [ __ ] she's getting
00:43:30
190k but you lose about 40% of it so
00:43:33
yeah so 40% to say tax tax and then you
00:43:36
got an agent to pay or like someone get
00:43:40
15% 20% or yeah for I don't have a agent
00:43:44
that takes my Cricket contracts they'll
00:43:47
take money
00:43:48
from Deals they get me oh okay um oh how
00:43:53
good okay so after text you're still
00:43:55
looking at like k or something yeah yeah
00:43:57
[ __ ] that's amazing well it's still
00:43:58
great isn't it it's incredible are your
00:44:00
parents still uh teachers um no so all
00:44:05
my aunties and uncles are um my mom is
00:44:10
actually with the New Zealand Players
00:44:13
Association so she works on basically
00:44:16
life outside of cricket with some of the
00:44:19
men's domestic teams uh wellbeing like P
00:44:23
PD type of stuff um and my dad
00:44:27
he he's he was the director of cricket
00:44:31
Wellington uh when I was about 10 my
00:44:34
parents actually bought Kelly Sports to
00:44:36
New Zealand which was like sport for
00:44:38
young kids what is that I've never heard
00:44:40
of it um this was ages ago but uh
00:44:43
basically just they run holiday programs
00:44:46
after school care and they would go into
00:44:50
primary schools and basically take PE
00:44:52
lessons right for schools cuz I think
00:44:55
when my sister started school mom and
00:44:57
dad were shocked at like how the basic
00:45:01
skills of catching a ball and whatnot
00:45:03
were just not there and there's a sing
00:45:06
and Aussie so they bought it to New
00:45:07
Zealand um you you and your sister never
00:45:10
had a chance with the you yeah didn't
00:45:13
know funny because when J was young she
00:45:17
like soon as she was walking she had a
00:45:19
bowl in her hair and like love Sport and
00:45:21
I was just a real Chiller like I was
00:45:24
just sit there like line up cars in a
00:45:26
perfect order like a little bit OCD and
00:45:29
just had no interest and my parents like
00:45:32
oh yeah M had no interest she got into a
00:45:34
sport quite late I was like 5 years
00:45:36
old she got into it
00:45:39
late probably a normal age yeah so um so
00:45:44
so like the Indian money what have you
00:45:45
done with that have you bought a house
00:45:46
or anything or yeah you have yeah yeah
00:45:49
[ __ ] that is so cool so so you bought
00:45:52
your first house at 22 Yeah insane yeah
00:45:55
so no it's pretty cool and I'm lucky
00:45:58
again family um my dad's pretty pretty
00:46:02
wise pretty smart so um yeah he's helped
00:46:05
me a lot I think I had my first whitein
00:46:07
contract at 16 and that just got paid
00:46:11
into my dad's account so and and just
00:46:14
saved really um lucky I trust my dad cuz
00:46:17
he could have just run away with it
00:46:20
all could yeah maybe it's your career
00:46:24
you be like where's all the money G one
00:46:26
of those but yeah no it's um it's cool
00:46:30
and I guess it allows you one to I guess
00:46:35
do the things you love um and and live a
00:46:38
good lifestyle but also be able to give
00:46:40
back as well to people that have helped
00:46:43
you along the way and and do projects
00:46:46
that you're passionate about as well
00:46:47
yeah for sure um like the water water so
00:46:50
it's it's cool and I think with it it's
00:46:54
like it obviously allows you to do what
00:46:56
you love it allows me to do my job
00:46:58
fulltime um and and that's going to help
00:47:01
me get the best out of myself yeah and I
00:47:04
feel like by the time you get to the end
00:47:05
of your cricketing career you'll be so
00:47:07
um set up and financially secure that
00:47:10
you won't be driven by money anymore so
00:47:12
if you want to go back and be a
00:47:14
teacher's aid where you you're you know
00:47:16
you're dealing with kids with behavioral
00:47:17
issues or some which is something you've
00:47:19
done before you better do that and it
00:47:20
won't even be about the money it'll just
00:47:22
be about you know doing what sparks joy
00:47:24
for you yeah cool that's what you want
00:47:27
to do like you want to love the work you
00:47:29
do and you want to be passionate about
00:47:31
it so if I can do that in the future
00:47:33
whatever that is that's that's that's
00:47:35
what you want to do and you know money's
00:47:37
never been a driver for me um but it's
00:47:40
just about give me some of
00:47:43
a it's a driver for me I'll take some of
00:47:45
you so um what's I've never been to IND
00:47:48
what's it like is it [ __ ] insane yeah
00:47:50
very very different to that game we were
00:47:52
talking about before where you you know
00:47:53
you're playing Ireland and there's no
00:47:54
one watching no one there full stadiums
00:47:57
50 to 80,000 people um and they love
00:48:01
Cricket so yeah day it's a religion is
00:48:05
your um I I checked I did some research
00:48:09
on Instagram your sister's got about say
00:48:10
15,000 followers you're on like quarter
00:48:12
of a million did did that just explode
00:48:14
this year with the IPL thing mainly IND
00:48:17
definitely did um when I went over to
00:48:20
India and like a exhibition match
00:48:22
matches for the IPL in 2019 so that's
00:48:26
kind of when it went up because
00:48:28
previously to then I had been private as
00:48:31
well like because I was like I'm still a
00:48:33
kid I just want like my Instagram to be
00:48:38
nothing about Cricket because I'm me I'm
00:48:41
not a cricketer um and then yeah went to
00:48:43
India and it and it went up
00:48:46
and they just love Cricket but I guess
00:48:49
now too there's more profile in New
00:48:51
Zealand it's becoming bigger in New
00:48:53
Zealand and in Australia I think I've
00:48:55
been playing for Brisbane since 2019 and
00:48:58
like Aussie as well and and there so it
00:49:01
goes up be India is next level
00:49:05
just yeah they have they hire people to
00:49:09
throw you balls at the Nets like they're
00:49:10
not even the coaches they just hire them
00:49:12
to come through balls wow so it's just
00:49:16
yeah next next level that's crazy yeah
00:49:20
went to the emban house who basically
00:49:24
sponsor our own our team 24 story house
00:49:28
didn't see it all 24 story house yeah 24
00:49:33
stories they got they got Creed 3 for us
00:49:36
before it was out and we watched it in
00:49:37
the movie
00:49:39
cinema what floor was that on the house
00:49:42
second floor now had a popcorn machine
00:49:45
like they were just yeah they were
00:49:47
actually very nice and and down to earth
00:49:49
and um they give a lot back they
00:49:53
obviously have too much money but they
00:49:55
do a lot of good with it which is cool
00:49:57
but yeah next level but it's quite like
00:50:01
the contrast over there you know you've
00:50:03
got these mentions there and then you've
00:50:05
got the slums there yeah it's it's crazy
00:50:07
isn't it the Jos between the the hes and
00:50:10
the have not yeah it's crazy ridiculous
00:50:12
um so as your as your um DM's just full
00:50:16
of like Indian Indian D Indian F I
00:50:19
haven't really looked at them but I
00:50:20
think you get a few like marriage
00:50:22
proposals and whatnot so
00:50:26
um I haven't said yes to any
00:50:28
yet oh there's always time there's
00:50:31
always time you know you never know um
00:50:33
and what about um do are you
00:50:35
superstitious or you have any like
00:50:36
pregame routines or any any like must do
00:50:39
or like processes yeah I used to be
00:50:42
really superstitious when I was a kid
00:50:45
I've chilled out a little bit now um I
00:50:47
always put my LIF pad on First and my li
00:50:49
lift glove I have the same like routine
00:50:52
like betting routine like two Taps and
00:50:54
whatnot um but that's about it really
00:50:58
yeah that's so you're not an
00:51:01
overthinker no I'm not an overthinker of
00:51:04
sport I'm an overthinker of Life yeah
00:51:07
actually that's Proby good transition
00:51:08
time we'll get into that now so um yeah
00:51:10
July July 2020 that's when can you I
00:51:15
don't know if you want how like we can
00:51:16
get into this and as as much or as
00:51:18
little information as you want cuz I
00:51:20
mean dragging the [ __ ] back up I know
00:51:22
it's never never nice and never easy but
00:51:24
what was what was going on then Ju 2020
00:51:26
yeah 2020
00:51:29
um was when was
00:51:32
it so that's kind of when Co start
00:51:35
started didn't it pandemic time yeah
00:51:37
yeah um so that's when my friend's
00:51:41
brother committed suicide that year um
00:51:46
and then obviously like the lot I loved
00:51:50
lockdown cuz I felt like the world
00:51:52
stopped around me and I felt like we
00:51:55
were like at peace and I know it was
00:51:58
horrible for some people and I had a
00:51:59
good household but
00:52:03
um I guess I keep busy and whatnot but I
00:52:06
just felt like the world stopped and I
00:52:08
could be I just felt safe like I felt in
00:52:10
a safe place um and I was still able to
00:52:14
do everything I love like an exercise i'
00:52:17
hit balls with my dad outside and
00:52:20
whatnot um and then we went over to
00:52:27
Australia so we played Australia in a
00:52:29
series over there and we were in full
00:52:32
lockdown mode so 2 weeks like isolate
00:52:35
isolation there but we could hang out in
00:52:37
the as a team in the hotel and we could
00:52:39
go out once a day for training um to
00:52:43
start and otherwise we were inside the
00:52:46
hotel and then after that I then went to
00:52:51
Big Bash and all eight teams were in a
00:52:54
hub so like far out it was overwhelming
00:52:58
so many people and I'm like I love
00:53:00
people I'm a people person but I also
00:53:03
like need my own time to um and so
00:53:08
basically I was in a bubble for 3 months
00:53:12
and I just um really really struggled
00:53:17
over there um being away in this like
00:53:20
cuz Cricket's never
00:53:22
been for me like how Define myself and
00:53:26
it's always been I've always had
00:53:28
interests outside of cricket and I like
00:53:31
like I love cricket and when I'm there
00:53:32
I'm there but when I'm away from it I'm
00:53:35
away from it and then I was living in
00:53:37
this bubble with eight team squadra what
00:53:42
15 17 all in this one place playing
00:53:45
Cricket it was like you couldn't escape
00:53:48
and um that was really tough and I know
00:53:51
a lot of people found it tough there and
00:53:54
I think I had been struggling a lot
00:53:56
before that as well just with I
00:54:01
guess I around I think my values and
00:54:05
what I felt like I had to be and I had
00:54:08
to be like that perfect person I had to
00:54:10
be there for everyone around me who was
00:54:12
struggling um I couldn't take the time
00:54:16
to look after myself because everyone's
00:54:18
else's needs were more important than
00:54:20
mine and then I came home from Australia
00:54:24
and kind of just shifted what was like
00:54:28
important to me I got into gratitude and
00:54:34
and read a lot and journaled a lot and
00:54:36
then was really good over summer um when
00:54:40
I when I came home from that and then in
00:54:44
2021 I kind of had a relapse relapse but
00:54:50
in 2020 I remember going what I went
00:54:51
through and I said I'm so glad I went
00:54:54
through what I went through so so you
00:54:56
went through sorry for interrupting you
00:54:58
you went through that and you didn't
00:54:59
sort of tell anyone or talk to anyone
00:55:00
about that no I I was I was seeing a
00:55:04
psychologist in 2020 from about June
00:55:06
okay and that's right you didn't even
00:55:09
tell your sister and she you tell on the
00:55:11
road with didn't tell my mom or dad I
00:55:14
didn't want anyone to know right but
00:55:16
even not not even did do do you think in
00:55:18
hindsight you wore a really good
00:55:20
mask I think I did I learned how to I
00:55:23
learned how to do that and I
00:55:25
because my thing was what I feel doesn't
00:55:30
matter it's about me making sure
00:55:32
everyone else around me is okay and then
00:55:35
you know I I can see parallels like I'm
00:55:38
I'm exactly the same I I I think I I get
00:55:41
some validation out of being the the the
00:55:43
person that's got the answers or yeah
00:55:45
the person that can solve the problem
00:55:47
yeah I just like it's mental though like
00:55:49
it's dumb yeah it was like completely
00:55:51
dumb yeah and it was always like I don't
00:55:53
want to be like as in seen as ungrateful
00:55:57
I have an amazing family and I do what I
00:55:59
love and that's like all you can really
00:56:01
ask for in life and so for me to be sad
00:56:04
and feel the way I did I was like that's
00:56:07
so ungrateful people have it so much
00:56:09
worse was it like an element of guilt in
00:56:10
a way yeah yeah and so I but why didn't
00:56:14
you tell tell your sister I'm I'm I'm
00:56:16
curious cuz I and it's there's no
00:56:18
judgment involved CU I'd be exactly the
00:56:20
same if I was on in a team with my
00:56:21
brother I probably wouldn't have told
00:56:23
him when I was going through [ __ ] as
00:56:24
well but but why not I think I just
00:56:27
thought I didn't want
00:56:30
anyone I didn't want anyone in my family
00:56:32
to help me because I don't want to bring
00:56:35
them into it and I didn't want them to
00:56:36
worry and I didn't want of protecting
00:56:38
them in a way yeah I don't want them to
00:56:39
feel sad I I was like this is me it's
00:56:42
not you guys so you don't need to know
00:56:44
about it and then I think I remember
00:56:48
this was like just before going to
00:56:49
Australia I was around at um Mom and
00:56:53
Dad's for dinner and mom was talking to
00:56:55
me about something and I I think she was
00:56:58
like probably annoyed at me um me and my
00:57:01
my my mom get a long while but I've
00:57:03
probably done something like I just not
00:57:06
been myself and she was trying to check
00:57:08
in on me yeah actually I um I read
00:57:10
somewhere on online uh apparently you
00:57:12
changed how you were acting around home
00:57:14
and you were even started avoiding home
00:57:16
avoiding going back home is that around
00:57:18
this time yes yeah around that time 2020
00:57:21
so so people so so your family sort of
00:57:23
started to picked up on things like I
00:57:26
what what were you just more you just
00:57:28
weren't your usual J your self or yeah I
00:57:32
was pretty quiet um I would get up early
00:57:37
train be out all day training then you
00:57:40
know I'd get
00:57:41
home didn't want to be home cuz I didn't
00:57:44
want them I didn't want to have to fake
00:57:46
how I was feeling for too long in front
00:57:48
of my family because faking is hard
00:57:50
that's tiring it's tiring hiding hiding
00:57:53
your emotions so then I'd go to the pool
00:57:55
I'd go to the sauna um and was also like
00:57:59
I'm recovering as well and then I'd come
00:58:01
home have dinner go to bed repeat and
00:58:03
just do that on repeat all day and I
00:58:07
guess in a way my parents probably
00:58:08
thought Millie's always trained hard she
00:58:10
was always she's just training really
00:58:13
hard rather than avoiding home but I
00:58:16
think they started to see a change like
00:58:18
you could also probably see a change
00:58:20
physically um as well you can see it in
00:58:23
people's faces sometimes and yeah Mom
00:58:26
tried to bring it up with me and I just
00:58:29
broke down and like had a panic attack
00:58:32
and was kind of I even no idea how I'm
00:58:34
feeling right now yeah what what does
00:58:36
what do you mean a panic attack what
00:58:37
does that look like just like the
00:58:39
breathing the hyperventilating like you
00:58:42
can't control yourself like your whole
00:58:44
body feels paralyzed and that's what I
00:58:47
experienced a lot of over in Australia
00:58:50
when I was there for those 3 months like
00:58:52
sleeping was hard couldn't really sleep
00:58:54
and and then yeah the panic attacks and
00:58:56
the anxiety would just set me off some
00:58:59
lyrics songs music set me off and I
00:59:03
would just yeah like we had to go
00:59:07
through this like custom like the back
00:59:10
of the workers's lift and you could have
00:59:13
like three people in the lift at a time
00:59:15
for the whole team took forever and you
00:59:17
just be waiting in this place and just
00:59:20
the anxiety too like it was depression
00:59:22
and anxiety all at once and it just
00:59:24
would
00:59:25
overwhelm you and you have no idea why
00:59:28
and I think that's the harsh thing when
00:59:29
you have no idea why what's happening
00:59:31
especially if you're doing all the right
00:59:32
things like you know you're keeping
00:59:34
yourself physically fit you're getting
00:59:35
up in in the morning you're cracking on
00:59:37
with the day you you're you know
00:59:40
practicing gratitude you're doing all
00:59:42
the things that should you know elevate
00:59:44
your mental yeah I remember writing once
00:59:46
like um you know all the mental health
00:59:48
guides and all that stuff it's like I
00:59:50
see all of that and I'm doing all of
00:59:52
that but it will never be good enough
00:59:54
like what I do will never be good enough
00:59:56
and it was kind of like cuz I was trying
00:59:58
I was doing everything in my mindset was
01:00:00
like what I do is just never good
01:00:02
enough um so that was kind of 2020 I
01:00:05
guess yeah so then
01:00:08
um so so so you went through that um
01:00:11
then you sort of came right again how
01:00:12
can you remember how you came right or
01:00:14
did it just um I was talking to like a
01:00:18
psychologist weekly and and weekly well
01:00:20
I was overseas as well
01:00:22
and um I shifted a little bit of that
01:00:27
perspective of the not good enough the
01:00:30
perfectionism I don't have to do
01:00:33
everything at my best standard or I
01:00:36
don't have to be perfect
01:00:38
like I don't expect my friends to like
01:00:42
what I expected from myself I don't
01:00:45
expect that from anyone else so I was
01:00:47
trying to shift that how I talk to
01:00:49
others is the old like I need to talk to
01:00:52
myself a little bit more like that your
01:00:54
a voice are you quite hard on yourself
01:00:57
yes yeah yeah oh my God I'm exactly the
01:01:01
same it's terrible like the in a Critic
01:01:04
it's terrible it's like um I I say to
01:01:07
people like I I would never the way I
01:01:10
speak to myself sometimes I would never
01:01:12
accept that from another human being
01:01:14
family member or otherwise it's like I I
01:01:16
I can be a bully to myself yeah actual
01:01:18
bully and it's gotten so much better I
01:01:21
during that time I found running for me
01:01:24
or so L cuz I wouldn't sleep at night
01:01:27
and I just couldn't sleep could sleep
01:01:28
and I would go for a run and I liked
01:01:30
running at night cuz I felt faster you
01:01:33
know it when you run F you do you're not
01:01:36
the G doesn't lie yeah still the same
01:01:38
when it C but
01:01:40
yeah so I'll just run but I'll just get
01:01:43
in this like I think two for a while
01:01:47
like what I felt was either so much pain
01:01:50
or I'd feel numb and so I found
01:01:55
that with running at night and and
01:01:57
whatnot going for runs is like I was
01:01:59
feeling so much pain that the pain of
01:02:02
running felt good as and I could just
01:02:05
cope with so much pain and but then if I
01:02:08
felt numb it was like the pain of making
01:02:12
myself go run at this time was like at
01:02:16
least I felt something it's almost like
01:02:17
a a a healthy form of um you know you
01:02:20
know there people that self harm yeah
01:02:22
just so they feel something it's almost
01:02:24
like like version of that yeah kind of
01:02:27
like running doing running for me was
01:02:30
like that version for me but also my one
01:02:32
of my first warning signs is eating if I
01:02:36
feel guilty after eating I know I'm
01:02:39
probably going into a little bit of a
01:02:42
bad phase need a check in on myself look
01:02:45
after my mental health and those are
01:02:47
probably where my two my two warning
01:02:49
signs are probably going for runs at
01:02:51
night and and and eating
01:02:55
okay all right good to know so if anyone
01:02:57
ever sees melee running at
01:02:59
night eating while running yeah there
01:03:03
you go um and then um so was it 2021
01:03:06
that you had um so like the the the
01:03:08
relapse or incident whatever you want to
01:03:10
call it this was even this was the real
01:03:12
rock bottom right yeah Rock Bott got got
01:03:14
even worse what what bought that on what
01:03:17
was the Catalyst of yeah I again
01:03:20
like I've done a lot of writing that
01:03:23
kind of explains a lot into how I was
01:03:27
feeling um and yeah
01:03:31
2021 I got and I wasn't good again and I
01:03:33
think it was still things from the past
01:03:35
and I think it was actually things
01:03:39
from basically when I was 18 through to
01:03:43
21 that I'd never dealt with as well
01:03:46
like what I think I'd never process
01:03:48
anything and when I was a kid um
01:03:54
all those things I Reon that shaped part
01:03:56
of my identity and just seeing other
01:03:58
people struggle as a kid and the suicide
01:04:03
happening around me and
01:04:06
um I guess I had a different life as
01:04:09
well to a normal teenager as well and I
01:04:12
had to grow up terms of the crck yeah to
01:04:14
grow up I had to grow up quickly um but
01:04:18
yeah in 2021
01:04:20
I then used Cricket as my
01:04:24
only place in the world where my mind
01:04:26
stopped so like cricket was meditation
01:04:29
going a train was meditation because my
01:04:32
head finally stopped spinning like the
01:04:34
voice in my head finally stopped and
01:04:38
then broke my
01:04:40
finger and so that like place of safety
01:04:44
for me had gone
01:04:48
um I'd still running gym so I had that
01:04:51
kind of Escape for me um but yeah
01:04:55
I lost my safety and I was also that
01:04:58
perfectionism again it was like I want
01:05:01
to be the best I can be and if I'm
01:05:04
injured I can't be the best I can be I'm
01:05:06
not going to get any better I'm going to
01:05:08
fall behind all of that um someone else
01:05:11
is going to take my sport yeah it's like
01:05:13
all those feelings of um of that but
01:05:18
then I I was really in a really bad
01:05:21
place struggling and um
01:05:24
again didn't tell my family it's funny
01:05:27
because you know throughout that time in
01:05:30
2020 once my family knew they helped me
01:05:32
so much but then again started seeing my
01:05:36
psychologist again and didn't tell my
01:05:38
family so kind of went back into old
01:05:41
habits of I've got to hide this I can't
01:05:44
show anyone how I'm
01:05:46
feeling
01:05:48
um would you if it if it happens again
01:05:51
and let's hope it doesn't would you
01:05:53
would you would would you be more
01:05:54
comfortable speaking out do you think if
01:05:56
it happened again or do you think you
01:05:57
this is your default setting where
01:05:58
you're just going to you know you find
01:06:00
it hard to speak until it's really
01:06:03
[ __ ] bad I'd like to say I would um
01:06:06
speak early I actually I really
01:06:09
struggled in May this year and
01:06:14
um
01:06:16
I didn't tell anyone again but I did
01:06:20
after two weeks of really struggling you
01:06:23
I saw a psychologist a different one cuz
01:06:25
my one moved back to England which I was
01:06:28
very sad about um and I was like oh I've
01:06:33
been feeling like this for the last two
01:06:36
is 3 weeks and didn't kind of seek help
01:06:40
or get help till then and I just kind of
01:06:42
thought well before that how I was
01:06:45
feeling I was feeling like that for so
01:06:47
long and I thought you know I'm just
01:06:49
feeling bad at this time it's going to
01:06:51
pass but actually feeling like how I was
01:06:53
feeling feeling for 2 weeks that's
01:06:55
that's not normal yeah it's a long time
01:06:59
but I guess from my tolerance or from
01:07:02
how I felt in the past it was like
01:07:05
months or you know
01:07:07
so yeah it takes me a while I try
01:07:11
process it myself I try help myself
01:07:14
before telling anyone um but at the end
01:07:17
of the day like I'm advocating for
01:07:20
people to speak up I want people to be
01:07:22
able to tell people and speak up but
01:07:25
sometimes um you got to tell yourself
01:07:28
that yeah yeah yeah yeah you feel like a
01:07:30
hypocrite in a way yeah you know the
01:07:33
right things to do but you still don't
01:07:34
want to do it yeah but there's so much
01:07:37
power in being vulnerable and I think
01:07:39
I've found that too even now just with
01:07:42
relationships with people in the team
01:07:45
like my friends it's just
01:07:48
like every conversation's more open
01:07:50
everything's more honest you have a
01:07:52
deeper level of I guess understanding
01:07:55
you like you truly truly understand and
01:07:58
care for them on this level and you're
01:08:01
just checking on your mates and I think
01:08:03
that's been the most powerful thing for
01:08:05
me and my family and friend group is
01:08:08
we're more hyperaware and
01:08:10
we understand it more
01:08:14
um but yeah it's like I don't need to
01:08:18
feel bad for 2 weeks before I get help I
01:08:20
can do it after a few days that's cool
01:08:23
you're the vulnerable L thing's
01:08:24
interesting I've um I would up until a
01:08:26
few years ago have described myself as
01:08:28
completely um invulnerable if that's if
01:08:31
that's a word but I'm like I'm older
01:08:33
than you like I went into an old boys
01:08:34
school in the 1980s it was a different
01:08:36
Generation Um so it's [ __ ] hard for
01:08:38
me but it's the best thing ever it's so
01:08:41
empowering yeah it just it opens people
01:08:45
up because actually everyone's got [ __ ]
01:08:48
going on in their life everyone has
01:08:50
stuff going on upstairs you know oh
01:08:53
that's one one I I I stopped seeing a
01:08:55
therapist around about the same time I
01:08:56
started this podcast and um I I've
01:08:58
actually found doing this podcast quite
01:09:00
cathartic CU you realize that everyone's
01:09:01
caring [ __ ] yeah absolutely everyone
01:09:04
people that even people that you
01:09:05
wouldn't even expect no um it's um IND
01:09:08
indiscriminant you know everyone's going
01:09:10
to go through stuff so did um so when
01:09:13
was it that your your family staged like
01:09:15
an intervention of sorts when was that
01:09:17
2021 2021
01:09:19
so yeah I was just in the worst possible
01:09:22
place again and um was this the broken
01:09:24
finger yeah and I think again just like
01:09:28
all those thoughts in my head as well
01:09:30
from things that have happened the past
01:09:32
as well that I felt like what could have
01:09:34
I done better
01:09:36
um in certain situations and and what
01:09:40
not and in ter in terms of um the
01:09:42
suicides around
01:09:43
you not so much that but just like
01:09:49
why why I'm trying to understand
01:09:52
and and just other things like yeah try
01:09:57
yeah I just I don't really know in a way
01:10:01
um but yeah I guess I was in a horrible
01:10:06
place and I wasn't sleeping at all um I
01:10:12
was probably not eating enough and
01:10:14
exercising too much
01:10:17
and I yeah just panic attacks just I
01:10:22
just couldn't F I was like a shell of
01:10:25
myself like I didn't even look like me I
01:10:28
had nothing to me and I just got tired
01:10:31
of pretending I guess and putting on a
01:10:34
brave face
01:10:36
um and I
01:10:39
had had like a few moments where it just
01:10:44
because it was so continuous I never got
01:10:45
a break like there was never any good
01:10:47
moments I never had a good moment I'd
01:10:50
cry every morning when I woke up because
01:10:53
the day was scary I didn't want
01:10:55
to face the day and then I'd cry every
01:10:58
night because I didn't want to repeat
01:11:01
the same process and I was scared of
01:11:02
going to sleep because of
01:11:06
like things like I just couldn't sleep
01:11:09
like I closed my eyes and just terrible
01:11:11
like it's almost like hallucinations and
01:11:15
and whatnot so I was just constantly in
01:11:18
this cycle and I couldn't get out of it
01:11:20
for how long um I'd say like that for
01:11:25
about two months maybe oh my god um just
01:11:30
running off no sleep and then I went to
01:11:34
M green who's in the white THS and I
01:11:38
would just go I I was I wouldn't even
01:11:41
tell her but I just went around drove
01:11:43
around knocked on her front door at
01:11:46
about you know late at night and she
01:11:49
just knew that I was
01:11:51
like I was like T up and crying I'd
01:11:55
actually come from sitting at a lookout
01:11:58
just contemplating I guess life why
01:12:01
should I be here and
01:12:04
then I did you did you did you
01:12:06
contemplate taking your own life yeah I
01:12:09
think throughout that two Monon process
01:12:11
so it's a long time to be exhausted eh
01:12:15
it's a long time those two month so
01:12:18
suicide was on my mind every single day
01:12:22
um there was one once where there once
01:12:25
where I was in my
01:12:27
car and
01:12:30
I
01:12:31
had I had all these pills for like a
01:12:34
injured
01:12:35
wrist and I was in my car I just wanted
01:12:38
to take them all I wanted
01:12:40
to I just wanted the pain to go away in
01:12:43
that moment yeah 100% that's that's what
01:12:45
it is you just want the pain to stop I
01:12:47
wanted it to stop and I was like if
01:12:49
people know what I'm going through like
01:12:50
I'm bringing my family's life down How
01:12:53
can I
01:12:54
do this and
01:12:56
so I yeah and my car like panic attack
01:13:01
cuz it was like [ __ ] this is what I
01:13:04
want to do but you know it's obviously a
01:13:07
scary decision to make and I obviously
01:13:11
didn't and then I a few weeks later or
01:13:15
whatever was at this Lookout and then
01:13:18
just sat there because like it was a
01:13:20
beautiful night and I just found
01:13:22
something so like peaceful in that but
01:13:24
it also made me sad because it was like
01:13:26
I saw Beauty in that but there was no
01:13:29
like Beauty in my life for how I was
01:13:32
feeling and then I was like got in my
01:13:35
car again drove to madd's house and I
01:13:39
think I actually went to call my dad and
01:13:42
he didn't answer but I heard his voice
01:13:44
message and that just broke me I was
01:13:46
like I love my
01:13:48
dad and so I went to but he can't know
01:13:50
how I'm feeling I went to M's and stayed
01:13:54
with Maddie that night and that ended up
01:13:56
being a common theme that I was at her
01:13:58
house most nights and she just she never
01:14:02
necessarily talk to me I she just there
01:14:05
I sat at like her table with her when I
01:14:08
came in that night and she was there and
01:14:10
I was here and I was just like
01:14:12
this like like almost like a katonic
01:14:16
stage just couldn't talk yeah could not
01:14:18
talk and she knew like she knew from how
01:14:21
I was but I just I couldn't tell her
01:14:23
anything and I didn't want to tell her
01:14:25
the thoughts I was having because I
01:14:26
don't want to scare
01:14:28
her and then people would ask me m would
01:14:31
and PDM would ask me because you do have
01:14:34
to ask at times are you suicidal and I'd
01:14:37
say I think about it a lot but I will
01:14:42
never do it which was a lie cuz I had
01:14:46
thought about it and then I was no good
01:14:49
and I just thought I needed to get away
01:14:52
cuz Wellington I was Finding
01:14:54
obviously like my routine there was
01:14:56
horrible because every day was hard and
01:14:59
we had a training camp in Christ Church
01:15:01
and I was like I just need to get to
01:15:02
that training camp because I'll be at
01:15:06
Cricket I'll be in my happy place and I
01:15:09
just need to make it there
01:15:12
um and
01:15:14
I
01:15:16
guess that was my mindset I'm getting to
01:15:21
Christ Church so got on the plane
01:15:24
and at that point in time Maddie had I
01:15:27
was on anti topr and everything and
01:15:30
Maddie had taken all my pills with me um
01:15:34
so she had all of that and I was just
01:15:36
going to have one each day from her and
01:15:39
I was sitting on the window seat and I
01:15:41
looked out the window on the plane and
01:15:43
it was the most beautiful night I love
01:15:46
Wellington I beautiful city you can't
01:15:48
beat it on a good day you can't beat it
01:15:50
on a good day and I just looked down and
01:15:53
I was like
01:15:55
wow this is beautiful like this place is
01:15:58
beautiful and this is and it just hit me
01:16:01
in that moment this is the last time I
01:16:04
ever going to see this
01:16:05
city and I started crying on the plane
01:16:08
what what did you
01:16:10
mean is I'm going to Christ Church away
01:16:13
from my
01:16:15
family um and I'm not going to see
01:16:17
Wellington again because I want this
01:16:21
pain to end and if I end it in Christ
01:16:24
Church my family aren't going to have
01:16:26
the pain of Finding
01:16:29
Me me this is heartbreaking and yeah
01:16:35
[ __ ] it was yeah we got to Christ Church
01:16:39
we went to the
01:16:41
supermarket um like got stuff I went and
01:16:46
bought as many pills as I
01:16:50
could
01:16:51
um and
01:16:54
I just couldn't like the only pain I
01:16:57
ever felt it was that's the only thing I
01:17:00
felt was like my head was sore my head
01:17:03
was screaming like my body was tired I
01:17:06
was
01:17:08
like I was treading
01:17:10
water
01:17:12
and yeah I then went out that night in
01:17:19
Lincoln and I just I went for a walk and
01:17:23
out of the room and I had all these
01:17:24
pills in my pocket and whatnot and I
01:17:28
wrote a note actually in my room for Mom
01:17:31
Dad and
01:17:32
Jess and I just remember walking and I
01:17:38
there's a security guard on
01:17:40
campus and I was so like this is what
01:17:42
I'm doing in my own head and the
01:17:44
security guard on campus came and spoke
01:17:47
to me and he was like hey are you
01:17:51
okay and it's like it bought brought me
01:17:53
back to reality cuz I was not in like I
01:17:57
was not in
01:17:59
my I was in this world that only I was
01:18:03
thinking about and and like my pain and
01:18:06
he
01:18:08
just random guy said are you okay
01:18:10
amazing but he's got an idea of the
01:18:12
impact that he had yeah and I what did
01:18:14
you just say yeah sweet I said yeah I'm
01:18:15
good thanks just going for a walk but it
01:18:18
just it just brought me back to life in
01:18:21
a way um can you remember that the uh
01:18:24
the note you wrote did you did you keep
01:18:27
it or I have it I can read it actually I
01:18:30
yeah would you yeah only if it's yeah
01:18:34
only if you want I
01:18:36
um so then I medy found
01:18:41
me and
01:18:44
I they had to let the psychologist know
01:18:47
and I
01:18:48
got um yeah sent home the next day and
01:18:53
I just didn't want to go home because I
01:18:56
had to face the people that I love the
01:18:58
most in the
01:18:59
world yeah and that's tough
01:19:02
because I just love my family so much
01:19:05
and I knew what I was feeling I wouldn't
01:19:06
wish it upon
01:19:09
anyone the brains are it's a [ __ ] up
01:19:12
part of the body brain is horrible it
01:19:14
makes no sense at all yeah um M flew
01:19:18
home with me yeah
01:19:21
and I said to m
01:19:23
cuz Jess wasn't at Camp she was sick or
01:19:26
something and I flew home from that camp
01:19:29
and was like M was like you have to tell
01:19:32
someone like someone's got to stay with
01:19:33
you tonight so I said okay Jess and Zack
01:19:38
who's her boyfriend can come over and
01:19:40
they can stay with me but Mom and Dad
01:19:42
can't know they can't know anything um
01:19:46
so I got home Jas and Zack were there
01:19:50
and then Mom and Dad cuz I was in in a
01:19:53
flat and mom and dad came over and I
01:19:56
could tell they look sad like they'd
01:19:57
been crying and then I'd gone to my room
01:20:01
to go get some space and my uncle and
01:20:03
auntie walk in and I just broke down
01:20:06
like my grandparents came in and there
01:20:09
are some really powerful things said
01:20:11
that night like my Dad read a speech out
01:20:14
that he read some of it on his like
01:20:16
trading water monologue yeah it's
01:20:18
incredible by the way yeah it was
01:20:21
powerful man and yeah it's like a
01:20:22
2-minute speech but took he was so um
01:20:25
emotional it took him like 10 minutes to
01:20:26
get through it and I'd only seen him cry
01:20:28
once before at his mom's funeral and
01:20:32
then he has he got better at um crying
01:20:35
and showing emotion through yeah yeah so
01:20:37
after that speech he cried every day for
01:20:40
a
01:20:41
month um just because of your pain yeah
01:20:44
oh my God and
01:20:47
then I guess yeah I think the my Grandma
01:20:54
spoke and she said I don't know how many
01:20:56
years POA and I have left but without
01:20:59
you we have no good years left and then
01:21:03
my sister Jess powerful was
01:21:07
said I remember growing up cuz family's
01:21:10
been our thing like I remember growing
01:21:12
up we talked about we were gutted mom
01:21:15
and dad didn't have more kids and they
01:21:16
wanted more kids actually they wanted
01:21:19
more kids but Mom's cancer didn't allow
01:21:21
that um and we like men just didn't know
01:21:24
that so when we're young like we wish we
01:21:26
had more brothers and sisters because we
01:21:29
wanted we want our kids to have what we
01:21:33
had growing up with all the cousins and
01:21:35
J was like and we've talked about that
01:21:38
and how like we want our kids to be like
01:21:40
best mates and she was like if I don't
01:21:43
if you're not here my kids don't get
01:21:45
that like I don't get to be an Auntie
01:21:47
and Uncle
01:21:49
to to your kids and that like everything
01:21:52
everything broke me like it's
01:21:54
heartbreaking there was not a dry
01:21:57
eye in in that
01:22:00
room and then the next day I went to Mom
01:22:04
and Dad took me to the crisis team to
01:22:07
hospital and I was there about 8 n hours
01:22:09
and I was then and a waiting time
01:22:13
waiting time to get seen by someone oh
01:22:17
okay wow and then I spoke to a
01:22:20
psychiatrist in two
01:22:24
um I guess people that work in the
01:22:25
mental health unit there I was in the
01:22:27
room for them with 90 minutes talking
01:22:30
about stuff and fell like
01:22:32
30
01:22:34
and then they took Mom and Dad in spoke
01:22:36
to them about a plan um started seeing a
01:22:40
psychiatrist as well as a psychologist
01:22:42
weekly got on more
01:22:44
medication um and then yeah basically
01:22:48
from there they told Mom and Dad what to
01:22:50
do I didn't have a I wasn't allowed to
01:22:52
be alone so for about maybe six weeks I
01:22:55
had to sleep next to Mom or Dad yeah
01:22:57
yeah I think I read this and you weren't
01:22:58
allowed to drive a car not allow to
01:23:00
drive a car was like um like suicide
01:23:03
watch in a way in a way yeah
01:23:06
um yeah so my family wrapped around me
01:23:10
and how did you feel at the time were
01:23:12
you annoyed by that or were you
01:23:14
appreciative of it I think at that time
01:23:16
I just needed that and after seeing my
01:23:19
family that intervention it was like yes
01:23:21
I've still fa the ex back same but I've
01:23:24
seen my family and I've seen that and I
01:23:27
was like at that time it was I'm going
01:23:30
to get better for my family because they
01:23:33
need me here did it feel like a relief
01:23:35
though like this huge secret that you'd
01:23:36
got it was it was it was like it felt
01:23:40
like I was finally going to get the help
01:23:41
I
01:23:42
needed and well you didn't yeah you
01:23:45
didn't you didn't have to hide or keep
01:23:47
it to yourself anymore it must have been
01:23:49
sotic there's almost like that point in
01:23:52
time where where it's like sometimes you
01:23:53
have to break down to break through and
01:23:55
I reach my absolute absolute
01:23:58
lowest [ __ ] it's a long it's it's a long
01:24:01
hard road back though when you're at
01:24:03
that Rock Bottom yeah
01:24:05
and yeah and then we went into um but I
01:24:09
in that 8 hours I wrote down everything
01:24:12
I'd been
01:24:13
feeling
01:24:15
um everything I'd been feeling and then
01:24:19
I read that out about 3 weeks later to
01:24:21
all my
01:24:23
family and I think for me like for so
01:24:26
long it's probably like only recent not
01:24:30
in the last few few months or six months
01:24:33
where I used to write how I
01:24:36
felt and then almost that's how I
01:24:38
express my emotion so I'd write it and
01:24:40
give it to Mom or Dad that's how I
01:24:43
communicated because talking was too
01:24:44
hard I couldn't talk like this podcast
01:24:47
you tell me to do that I don't know 8
01:24:50
months ago like talking was too hard
01:24:53
but writing was my coping mechanism and
01:24:55
I wrote down everything because I saw
01:24:57
the V vulnerability my family showed to
01:24:59
me in that moment and I wanted them to
01:25:02
understand it
01:25:03
all um so I wrote down and I've kept it
01:25:07
all like writing is a great way to
01:25:09
process your thoughts H get them down on
01:25:11
the page yeah just like for me it was
01:25:14
became I wrote down everything and that
01:25:16
was off my chest yeah and then I got
01:25:19
from writing to reading my writing out
01:25:21
and I was got
01:25:23
another weight off my chest
01:25:28
um
01:25:29
but and that in the hospital is when I
01:25:33
wrote the training water my like I've
01:25:35
been training water for too long because
01:25:37
that's ex cuz my mom asked me how are
01:25:39
you feeling and I just thought for
01:25:41
someone that hasn't felt this pain or
01:25:43
gone through this before it's hard to
01:25:46
explain so how can I visually explain it
01:25:49
so that's the analogy you came up with
01:25:50
that's yeah what I wrote to mom and dad
01:25:54
that that day um I like it it's a great
01:25:57
analogy and uh I if you want to take the
01:26:00
analogy even further I guess um like
01:26:02
when you're down south and you're
01:26:04
absolute Rock Bottom it's like you're
01:26:06
treading water but the waves are coming
01:26:07
over at the same time yeah just not
01:26:10
catching a break not yeah just
01:26:13
constantly constantly and that gets too
01:26:15
tiring if you don't for too long you
01:26:17
can't survive doing it for too long and
01:26:20
I guess that's the position was in
01:26:25
um but yeah I'd like wrote a bit to um
01:26:31
my
01:26:32
mom as well
01:26:35
and I just said I I had said to her like
01:26:38
I just feel every emotion so deeply and
01:26:40
I've always been sensitive and worried
01:26:42
about things but through it all my
01:26:44
family is what I live for because I
01:26:46
don't want to be without you and that's
01:26:48
why I huged you for so long
01:26:50
yesterday sometimes it feels like I want
01:26:52
everything to stop I thought maybe it
01:26:55
would be easier for me and everyone
01:26:57
asked not to be here because I would
01:26:58
bring every everyone down with me but I
01:27:01
know how much you care and how much you
01:27:03
love me that's why I find it hard to
01:27:05
talk to you about it sometimes because
01:27:08
because I don't want to make you sad or
01:27:10
hurt when you have done nothing wrong
01:27:13
sometimes it's hard telling the people
01:27:14
you're close to things because I want to
01:27:16
protect you
01:27:17
all
01:27:20
um and I
01:27:23
jeez had
01:27:27
um this like from the from
01:27:32
[Music]
01:27:34
today till however long till today it
01:27:36
has been the hardest period of my life I
01:27:39
don't think I've slept for over over
01:27:41
weeks I think every night the thought of
01:27:43
suicide crossed my mind and it scared me
01:27:45
so much I had gone for a 5K run on
01:27:48
Monday night and then for a drive tour
01:27:50
Lookout I was in my car her cry and
01:27:52
contemplating life I had Googled ways to
01:27:55
commit suicide but I knew deep down that
01:27:58
it wasn't what I wanted to do it felt
01:28:00
like it was my it was my brain telling
01:28:02
me I had to do it luckily I decided to
01:28:05
go to Maddy's the first person I felt
01:28:07
comfortable to talk about all these
01:28:10
thoughts with she called me and I
01:28:12
answered the phone and went to her place
01:28:15
I felt Den inside MADD stayed with me
01:28:18
that night and since then she's been my
01:28:20
constant support MADD you helped keep me
01:28:23
alive I'm so sorry I put so much on you
01:28:26
and that for a while you're my only
01:28:27
person to talk to you provided me of
01:28:30
safety and with your love and support
01:28:32
you've enabled me to still be here
01:28:33
standing today asking for more help
01:28:37
alongside Jess I couldn't asked for a
01:28:39
bit big
01:28:41
sister um oh my God and then yeah there
01:28:46
a lot of writing on here I don't even
01:28:47
know these people that you're talking
01:28:48
about but I'm feeling emotional yeah
01:28:50
this is a lot wow um how do you feel
01:28:54
reading that back
01:28:55
now does it still make you emotional or
01:28:57
are you it makes me emotional um but
01:29:01
I've read
01:29:02
it almost so many times now but it does
01:29:06
make me feel emotional and I think like
01:29:09
I haven't shown many people this stuff
01:29:11
uh my family and a couple of my closest
01:29:13
friends I mean there's a lot in here
01:29:16
that some of it I'll probably never ever
01:29:18
share yeah um to the world
01:29:22
but there's stuff in it
01:29:25
that I just it helped me so much this
01:29:28
writing M um reading it to my family
01:29:32
helped them as well um it sounds like
01:29:35
your family was were close anyway but is
01:29:38
it is your family closer now do you
01:29:39
think so close but so much closer now
01:29:44
um so much closer and have you got have
01:29:48
you got a plan now like what if you you
01:29:50
know what if something happens and you
01:29:51
end up spiraling again like have you got
01:29:53
a resilience plan now or what do you
01:29:55
seems see this is the thing it feels
01:29:56
like you're doing everything right
01:29:58
anyway yeah I think for me it's just
01:30:00
being really aware of
01:30:03
my
01:30:04
emotions um that's probably the main
01:30:07
thing and I guess just trying to keep in
01:30:12
good habits like
01:30:16
sometimes I just got to find the balance
01:30:18
right I think in my life as well like
01:30:20
with the over
01:30:23
can be too busy at at times but I think
01:30:25
for me I know what makes me happy and if
01:30:28
I can do that as much as possible um and
01:30:33
I'm more open now I'm kinder to myself I
01:30:37
will tell my family I have an amazing
01:30:39
partner who just gets me and supports me
01:30:44
and I know I can tell him how I feel
01:30:47
which before that I wouldn't have never
01:30:49
done with any other partner m I love
01:30:52
that has he has he experienced any
01:30:54
mental health issues himself or no no he
01:30:56
hasn't um my um when I was married my
01:31:01
wife JJ she this is like five six years
01:31:04
ago now she had um some terrible mental
01:31:06
health episodes like what you sort of
01:31:08
Imagine like um where she just couldn't
01:31:10
get out of bed and I I look back now and
01:31:13
I handled it completely the wrong way
01:31:14
like and it came from a well meaning
01:31:16
place but I'd come home from work and
01:31:17
I'd be like come on let's uh let's open
01:31:19
the curtains we'll get out there get
01:31:21
some vitamin and you know and I look
01:31:23
back now it's like [ __ ] man you're an
01:31:25
idiot so it's really cool that you've
01:31:26
got a partner who's same age as you uh
01:31:29
he's a bit older 25 right yeah but still
01:31:32
very very young and his 20 that he's got
01:31:34
that sort of empathy and understanding I
01:31:35
think that's really cool I think like a
01:31:38
big sign for me was I
01:31:39
didn't really speak to people that I
01:31:43
just met about my mental health stuff
01:31:46
and I'd met him and like we' kind of had
01:31:49
a friendship before and and then when we
01:31:51
were together I told him really early on
01:31:54
and read out like all my stuff I'd wrote
01:31:57
before and I first dat yeah first dat
01:32:02
[ __ ] he's probably like get it all out
01:32:04
on the table yeah he's probably like
01:32:06
[ __ ] I'm going to run
01:32:07
now no it wasn't quite first date
01:32:11
otherwise we probably won't be would be
01:32:12
together um but yeah I just felt
01:32:15
comfortable enough to tell him that and
01:32:18
yeah he he hasn't had any struggles well
01:32:22
he said struggles obviously everyone has
01:32:23
struggles but not to the like mental
01:32:27
illness I guess um but yeah even today
01:32:30
like every time I read something out or
01:32:33
talk
01:32:34
about experience he just
01:32:37
ches but yeah well that's cool oh he
01:32:40
sounds like a good dude yeah he's a good
01:32:43
guy yeah um yeah one thing like from
01:32:45
doing this podcast you realize that
01:32:46
everyone um if you haven't had any
01:32:48
struggles yet you count yourself lucky
01:32:50
but you are at some point in
01:32:52
Edam perori do do are you famili I know
01:32:55
Cricket Wicket keeper from probably
01:32:57
before you were born um but he was like
01:33:00
cocky and Brash and a very very good
01:33:02
very good cricketer um massive massive
01:33:05
ego yeah you know at the peak of his
01:33:07
career sort of thought he was like kind
01:33:08
of a toall I guess um and he he he got
01:33:12
through life just fine then had a
01:33:13
relationship break up in his late 40s
01:33:15
and was like couldn't leave the couldn't
01:33:16
leave the house and was having panic
01:33:18
attacks and stuff so you never know when
01:33:20
it's going to get going to happen yeah
01:33:21
yeah yeah happened to different people
01:33:24
at different times yeah but the um so so
01:33:27
um with that that big incident in 2021
01:33:30
that's when you tapped out of cricket
01:33:31
for a while and um they they could have
01:33:34
it could have just been said that you
01:33:35
were unavailable for selection but um
01:33:37
you were very very firm in your um
01:33:40
messaging and that you wanted people to
01:33:41
know that it was a like a mental health
01:33:43
thing yeah um which I think that was
01:33:45
really cool were you nervous about doing
01:33:47
that yeah [ __ ] yourself yeah I was
01:33:50
really nervous
01:33:52
um yeah I you know I could have said I'd
01:33:56
broke my finger and I I I could not
01:33:59
available for not available I could have
01:34:01
said anything but I thought this is
01:34:04
actually something I'm passionate about
01:34:06
mental health and I've seen other people
01:34:09
close to me struggle so if I hide away
01:34:13
from it then like I can't expect the
01:34:17
stigma to change so yeah I wanted to be
01:34:21
open because that was the reason why I
01:34:24
wasn't going on tour because I needed to
01:34:26
be home I needed to be you know need to
01:34:28
heal yeah I needed to heal just like
01:34:32
people need to heal from injuries I
01:34:33
needed to heal from what I was going
01:34:35
through um so yeah if I couldn't I can't
01:34:39
you can't expect change I couldn't
01:34:43
expect change in our mental health
01:34:45
system or
01:34:47
anything and I didn't want to be a
01:34:49
hypocrite in that way so so I wanted to
01:34:51
be honest and I thought you know if
01:34:54
someone else sees that and sees me being
01:34:56
honest maybe it can encourage them to
01:34:58
speak up yeah and is that sort of the
01:35:01
idea of um treading water is that sort
01:35:03
of how that came about yeah around that
01:35:05
time yeah yeah so Treading Water by the
01:35:07
way it's bloody great it's fantastic um
01:35:10
yeah out of the rough. inz is the
01:35:12
website and treading water is the name
01:35:14
of the name of the series yeah yeah it's
01:35:16
brilliant yeah so I obviously then
01:35:20
started well got back into playing well
01:35:22
I was still training and everything once
01:35:24
I could and um then played that home
01:35:27
World Cup and started
01:35:29
2022 and we then had we went on our
01:35:34
leave period after that but throughout
01:35:36
that World Cup I thought what am I going
01:35:37
to do and leave um what's something I
01:35:41
can do while I'm at home loves a project
01:35:44
so I thought about this idea and it kind
01:35:47
of just came to me I rote up a little
01:35:49
plan whatnot um I got in touch with a
01:35:53
psychologist who knew Mike King gave him
01:35:56
a call and said this is what I want to
01:35:59
do I want to interview these people I
01:36:02
want to do high profile not so high
01:36:04
profile because it fixs us all um and
01:36:07
everyone's story is so different and
01:36:10
like the my dad's perspective I wanted
01:36:12
it from a parents perspective and how to
01:36:14
help so called him kind of said I want
01:36:17
to interview the people and I know
01:36:19
someone who very good um film
01:36:23
photographer
01:36:24
freelancer and I know him and we work
01:36:27
well together and he was like I love the
01:36:31
idea and then for a while I was thinking
01:36:34
like me and heus who filmed it were like
01:36:36
how are we going to raise money for this
01:36:37
project cuz film's obviously expensive
01:36:40
and then you like I'll just get into
01:36:41
here for a couple of months leave with
01:36:43
me at that point there's no
01:36:45
one how did you lose the money well I
01:36:49
it's why I'm hope have been so
01:36:52
so we're like thinking about it and Mike
01:36:54
was like oh it's pretty pretty
01:36:57
um cheap for what you're doing like the
01:37:00
work you're putting in and for you know
01:37:03
it's amazing what of um the support I'm
01:37:07
hope of showing us hey M through this
01:37:10
project and that mik kind of gave us
01:37:12
full trust and and let us let us do this
01:37:16
and it's
01:37:17
been to this day it's like the best
01:37:19
thing I'm most proud of in my life I'm
01:37:22
more proud of that um kind of scoring
01:37:26
232 against Ireland come
01:37:28
on no no I agree like sports one thing
01:37:32
but um yeah Sports the thing I love and
01:37:34
what I work really hard for and
01:37:36
everything but this is what I've turned
01:37:39
a horrible experience into and to
01:37:42
hopefully help other people that for me
01:37:45
that is today the greatest thing I've
01:37:47
ever done yeah you're proud of yourself
01:37:51
I am proud of tring water and I am I am
01:37:57
proud of who I am today from where I've
01:38:00
come from yeah and I want to
01:38:04
keep being better every day but I'm
01:38:08
proud of the journey I am on and and
01:38:10
where I'm at where I'm at
01:38:13
today and I'm yeah yeah that keep keep
01:38:16
getting B thing it comes back to that
01:38:18
perfectionism thing we talked about
01:38:19
before it's a good good thing not always
01:38:22
a good thing yeah yeah I you got some
01:38:24
tattoos as well you got a this tou Show
01:38:26
Pass yeah this tou Show Pass that's what
01:38:28
my Papa said to me um I think it's it's
01:38:31
an Abraham Lincoln quote I think old US
01:38:34
president but it's it's a great one eh
01:38:35
yeah it's fantastic yeah it is a good
01:38:38
one so he said that to me at that family
01:38:41
intervention and he's yeah great man
01:38:46
yeah well that's I thanks for being so
01:38:47
open about all this stuff no is is it
01:38:49
hard for you to talk about or does it
01:38:51
get any
01:38:52
easier um it gets easier but how will
01:38:56
you feel when I when I leave here in a
01:38:58
few minutes how will you feel is it is
01:38:59
it exhausting talking about
01:39:01
it um I feel like I've gone a lot better
01:39:04
it used to be bloody tiring talking
01:39:05
about it um the scariest part is when it
01:39:10
comes out
01:39:11
online because when you talk you're
01:39:13
talking about it the scariest part is
01:39:15
listening yeah yeah yeah and or people
01:39:18
messaging you cuz theyve heard it all
01:39:19
the scariest part is knowing
01:39:22
people are going to hear this yeah
01:39:24
that's the scary part but it's um but
01:39:27
it's worth it it's powerful it's
01:39:28
impactful you're doing it to help others
01:39:29
and you got to bring it back to your why
01:39:31
but that's the scariest part for me
01:39:34
absolutely and and people have to listen
01:39:36
to like an hour of us talking about
01:39:37
Cricket before they get to the stuff
01:39:39
they might give
01:39:41
up um all right well end with some
01:39:44
light-hearted ones um thanks for being
01:39:45
so open about about that um I just
01:39:48
realized the other day so um the
01:39:49
Olympics are on in Brisbane in 2032 2032
01:39:53
so you that's um what 9 years from now
01:39:56
yeah 9 years from now so you'll be 31
01:39:59
yeah so you probably don't want to get
01:40:01
that far ahead of yourself but it's
01:40:02
entirely possible that um that Cricket
01:40:05
will be a sport at those games and so
01:40:07
you could go to the Olympic yes that is
01:40:09
cool and I love Brisbane I have like a
01:40:11
little bit of a connection now being
01:40:13
with the Brisbane heat so great City and
01:40:16
yeah growing up you watch the Olympics
01:40:18
and you think that's that's the that's
01:40:21
what you want to be that's a pinnacle
01:40:22
really amazing yeah because you didn't
01:40:24
see Women's World Cups on TV but you saw
01:40:27
the Olympics yeah yeah so that's a
01:40:29
childhood
01:40:30
dream [ __ ] how good and entirely
01:40:33
possible yeah entirely possible what
01:40:35
have you thought about what you want to
01:40:36
do Beyond Cricket or no um I do think
01:40:39
about it I you still studying you're
01:40:41
doing no I'm not studying at the moment
01:40:43
um no good call thank you it's yeah I'm
01:40:47
enjoying not
01:40:49
studying good go yourself calm the [ __ ]
01:40:52
down it is nice it is nice not having a
01:40:56
deadline um but I guess this I hope
01:41:00
stuff and the tring water has been a
01:41:01
real passion project and that keeps me
01:41:04
busy away from crooked and I love that
01:41:07
what I I know what I want to do is help
01:41:10
people so I don't know in what capacity
01:41:13
that will be but it's along those lines
01:41:16
and I
01:41:17
think yeah help people I want to bring
01:41:20
people together and I quite like the
01:41:23
idea of therapy through Sport and music
01:41:26
I guess that's two things that have have
01:41:29
helped me help you yeah that's cool well
01:41:33
I mean um we've uh touched upon the
01:41:36
perfectionism thing so whatever you do
01:41:37
I'm sure you're going to do do it very
01:41:39
very well and challenge yourself and be
01:41:42
hard on yourself and you you mentioned
01:41:44
you want to your your sister and her
01:41:46
speech talking about having kids and you
01:41:48
want your kids to play together you you
01:41:49
do want a family yeah yes
01:41:52
how this is the hard thing I touched on
01:41:54
this with Susie Bates how like it's
01:41:56
problematic isn't it how do you fit it
01:41:58
in yeah well I think you take a year off
01:42:01
maybe at some point yeah take a year off
01:42:02
it's been awesome seeing other female
01:42:04
athletes do it like Amy sa wake did it
01:42:07
for the white fans and came back and
01:42:11
I've seen other people do do it you know
01:42:13
there Aussie wom's footballer I know I
01:42:15
think she came back after after giving
01:42:19
birth so it's possible and I I think
01:42:21
that's the great thing that it's that
01:42:22
it's possible but I for me like I talk
01:42:25
about I knew I wanted to be a white FM
01:42:26
when I was about nine I think something
01:42:29
I've always known is that I want my own
01:42:30
family and that's cuz family to me is
01:42:34
everything because of the family I've
01:42:35
grown up in and so yeah I don't know I
01:42:38
would definitely I would put I'll put my
01:42:41
family first before Cricket so whether
01:42:43
that means retiring earlier or taking a
01:42:46
break I know for me you know Cricket's
01:42:48
this short period of time but family's
01:42:50
forever M well when you see like your um
01:42:53
your friends SL Idols like um Susie and
01:42:56
Sophie who are in their mid to late 30s
01:42:58
and they still [ __ ] kicking ass you
01:43:00
must think well I'm only 22 I could take
01:43:02
a year off two years off and still got
01:43:04
ages to go yeah I mean I want to play
01:43:07
cricket for as long as I can as much as
01:43:09
I enjoy it and I think you know I love
01:43:11
being competitive I love getting better
01:43:13
each day and that's what professional
01:43:14
sport allows you to do um but yeah
01:43:18
people have taken breaks and come back
01:43:19
and come back strong
01:43:21
so yeah I mean who knows what will
01:43:24
happen in the future but yeah I
01:43:26
definitely definitely want to have a
01:43:28
family of my own one day but no time
01:43:30
soon I'm too young for
01:43:31
that and um so you partner you've been
01:43:34
together like a year and a year and a
01:43:36
bit yeah yeah um yeah how do like that
01:43:41
must be hard to make that work like
01:43:43
you're we're meeting in um Mount mongui
01:43:46
today and you're off to the UK where are
01:43:48
you going next South Africa South Africa
01:43:50
like how many how many weeks a year are
01:43:52
you at home yeah I I mean it it changes
01:43:55
each year but um now he's a cricketer
01:43:58
himself South and with the Wellington
01:44:01
Firebird so he gets it and um I think
01:44:04
that's the the main thing and
01:44:06
communicating well as well I guess is
01:44:08
important because when you're away
01:44:10
that's the you know that's the only way
01:44:12
you can talk to each other so you have
01:44:14
to communicate um but yeah it's just
01:44:17
valuing the time you have with each
01:44:19
other as well and understanding it like
01:44:22
we're both young you want to go both do
01:44:26
do what you love and and have someone
01:44:28
that supports that and I think for us
01:44:31
we're both lucky that we get it um but
01:44:35
yeah I mean it's definitely going to be
01:44:38
be it'll probably just get harder cuz he
01:44:40
going to be more Cricket but I guess you
01:44:42
know if you want it to work you find a
01:44:44
way and you make it work yeah absolutely
01:44:46
if it's meant to be it'll it'll figure
01:44:48
its way out but yeah it does make it
01:44:50
tough yeah definitely yeah without a
01:44:52
doubt yeah yes Susie had um some sort of
01:44:55
um Theory which i' never sort of thought
01:44:57
of she said there's a lot of like same
01:44:58
sex relationships in women's cricket and
01:45:00
she she puts that down to the fact that
01:45:02
um you're away so much just a
01:45:05
convenience sort of thing in a way which
01:45:06
is an interesting and it's it's accepted
01:45:09
as well and in that environment and yeah
01:45:13
you spend a lot of time with those
01:45:15
people so but yeah I
01:45:18
mean yeah you find a way to make work
01:45:21
and and hopefully your travel can you
01:45:24
know if you're playing Cricket in the
01:45:26
same country at the same time it can
01:45:28
work and and whatnot so yeah yeah oh how
01:45:31
good hey well that's probably a good
01:45:33
place to wrap it up unless there's
01:45:34
anything that um I haven't bought bought
01:45:36
bought up or touched upon that you want
01:45:37
to no happy happy thank you well thank
01:45:40
you um for being so generous with your
01:45:42
time we've been going for almost 2 hours
01:45:44
and I I can't thank you enough your your
01:45:46
poor um teammates who you're rooming
01:45:49
kick them out we may for the last 2
01:45:51
hours someone else is very well yeah
01:45:54
maybe I have to buy them dinner or
01:45:55
something yeah oh that's great Milly C
01:45:57
thank you so much for your time you're a
01:45:59
great New Zealander and um yeah yeah I'm
01:46:03
just I'm actually humbled to be in your
01:46:04
in your presence like the stuff that
01:46:05
you're doing outside of cricket is just
01:46:07
phenomenal and it's um changing lives
01:46:09
and saving lives thank you D no I
01:46:12
appreciate and appreciate all you do I
01:46:14
like your podcast channel is amazing and
01:46:16
um you've allowed people to open up with
01:46:20
you and that's that's a credit to you
01:46:22
when you get people to open up so it's
01:46:25
it's been great to chat and to finally
01:46:27
meet you in person
01:46:30
finally I appreciate it you're the
01:46:32
[Music]
01:46:41
be
