00:00:00
Welcome to the podcast, Dana. Yes. Uh we're going to
00:00:06
do a hot take in a few minutes about what is the current best live streaming
00:00:12
show to watch. We may have a bit of a disagreement, but stay tuned for that. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Um that I would not
00:00:19
change that dial. Don't touch that channel. Just just hang with us for a minute. We just want to kind of warm up to you, our
00:00:27
listeners. First thing I have to mention from this week is that I know you're worried about me
00:00:33
and Eddie Murphy hammering everything out, but that did kind of blow up. Eddie Murphy
00:00:39
has a documentary. Go ahead, tell the story. It's It's just the story that won't die. Yeah, he has a documentary. I didn't see
00:00:46
the documentary, but I do uh love Eddie Murphy. And um we had some bumps in the
00:00:51
road along the way. uh early on. It was weird going from being a super fan to
00:00:58
having him hate me overnight and to try to win him back for the last
00:01:04
in 10 seconds explain the exact thing that happened. Oh, I was on Weekend Update on SNL new
00:01:10
to the show making fun of all the celebrities and I made fun of him and it didn't go well and he uh called
00:01:17
me and we had it out. Actually, he had it. I didn't fight back really. And then uh because I did feel a
00:01:23
little guilty about it and he did make some sense uh I just didn't like that uh
00:01:29
because you know he was a hero. So we've got to the point I saw him I've seen him once or twice then I saw him at the 50th
00:01:36
and we talked a little bit and everything's fine and then he admitted on the show not admitted they just asked
00:01:42
him about it and he said yeah we're all good. So it's we're all good. We kind of mentioned that with Mike
00:01:49
Myers and his brother our last podcast. Uh just things that seem so important at
00:01:55
one, this is a wisdom alert for our younger listeners, things that seem so important. Time heals all wounds. And
00:02:03
later on you go, "Well, really, what was I so upset about, you know, and so this
00:02:10
what happened? He just totally let it go." I mean, I I made Johnny Carson
00:02:15
angry. He was kind of like It's in our time. Johnny Carson, the Tonight Show
00:02:22
was just gigantic. And I did him a few times. He liked it. Then he was sort of upset about one of the episodes, long
00:02:28
story short, and then I was never on the show again. And um but he didn't go public with it
00:02:36
that he was mad. I mean, listen, I when I left SNL, I think they had a sketch, someone playing
00:02:42
me like three weeks later. I'm like, "Let the body get cold. Let me get out
00:02:47
of the building all the way." Yeah. Before you come at me and you know it's hard because you want to do jokes about
00:02:54
everyone and comedians can get a little attention because you go after anyone and then you get to go it's comedy. What
00:03:00
are you mad about? But obviously people get mad. I mean it's human nature if someone goes a little too rough on you.
00:03:06
Yeah. I just lately I was I don't do this often but I was on Twitter just
00:03:12
going down you know and I thought man I'm first of all I'm addicted to everything and everything is either
00:03:19
conspiratorial anger rage criticism super hard um takes on people trying to
00:03:28
take things down and I and I had to I threw the phone out of my hand and I and I took a cold shower. I just immediately
00:03:36
with my clothes on just got like just freezing water on my head. Yeah. Just when I like that I just stop everything
00:03:43
and masturbate. The way this is what my doctor said. You've got to know when to stop. And
00:03:48
you always told me masturbate first before you went online. I do it first just to clear my head and then I look at about three tweets
00:03:56
and no matter what they're about, I do it again. No, my my Twitter is such it's but it's
00:04:03
all the thing is it's based in reality. So it's not just hey get mad about this. It's like they show you something that
00:04:09
you go oh this is real. Most of it's real because it's videos you see and some of it's most of it's hearings or
00:04:16
things or laws and you go this. So you start to get worked up but that's the part you can't get can't let it ruin
00:04:22
your day. And it's kind it's very interesting how really in except for
00:04:27
Trump, we can talk about him later as far as someone who can take punishment and just somehow treats life like it's a
00:04:34
video game. But Kate McInn was on our our friend Amy Polar's podcast and just
00:04:41
said her big mistake was reading the comments about her performance. Now she's considered one of the all-time
00:04:46
greats, right? Kate McInnon on SNL. But it really got in her head because even
00:04:52
though it was like people just attacking for no reason, she felt there was a kernel of truth in it that just really
00:04:57
got in her head. So some is if you read comments and that and that there's a common theme
00:05:03
that's negative like you always do this. You always it is something that you think about and go okay well maybe they have a point. I
00:05:09
mean it's not all just hate. Sometimes people go I think you're great but I wish you wouldn't. And if you hear that
00:05:14
enough you go maybe I should tweak something but could be constructive,
00:05:20
right? Mostly just believe the good ones. I think that's the rule. I was scrolling down last week and I'm
00:05:27
not again I'm not a big online guy, but I saw something I said it was about our podcast. Mhm.
00:05:32
I hate when Dana Carvey always and then I just press I got out. Get out. Get out.
00:05:39
Because like I know Conan I don't think this is a secret. I don't think he's ever listened to or seen his podcasts.
00:05:45
Yeah. just because of the self-consciousness may outstrip whatever constructive criticism there is.
00:05:52
I will uh now you're on uh Kay McKennon and uh I think we're going to have Sarah Sherman jump on next week, but uh I
00:05:59
wanted to say that Marcelo uh on SNL was very funny this weekend
00:06:04
and when he played Sebastian, I cracked up. I cracked up within five seconds. I was like, "Oh, this is
00:06:10
funny." I didn't even see the whole thing. I got about 20 seconds in, I was like, "This is great.
00:06:15
Well, Sebastian was on our podcast. He's a friend of the podcast and show
00:06:22
I had just tried to figure out a way to encapsulate his style because he is singular in his own way. Uh and I said
00:06:30
it's it's um musicality and physicality. Yeah. But that my thing was when he had a bit
00:06:37
about being by the pool and a guy was clipping his toenails.
00:06:42
was sitting on the pool deck. He's clipping his to nails over here. But
00:06:49
here's my takeaway from Marello's fantastic impression. He did every
00:06:55
single physical move. Yeah. And it takes a guy in his 20s
00:07:02
to be able to do what Sebastian did in his 40s. the physicality. I mean, it's
00:07:08
just because it's really tight sudden moves and then when he jumped over the guy Marcelo, that was a he really got
00:07:16
his knees up and you think, man, if somehow he clipped that would have been
00:07:21
but he he had real good clearance as well. But you know, also the voice, the whole look, he had a funny suit on, funny, and
00:07:28
he's like going and this guy had every single hook. Every hook also
00:07:35
I like when when Sebastian says, "Huh? Huh? Can I put this in years?" Huh? What do
00:07:43
you want to do? That's always funny. His character on stage is so defined.
00:07:49
Yeah. They just go, "So, I went to my friend's house. You know,
00:07:54
I got to take my shoes off." Everything's normal. Normal. Everything's kind of normal. And, you
00:08:00
know, he's about to wind up, but he's holding it back. You know, my my wife says, "Take your shoes off."
00:08:06
Huh? Huh? Huh? I gota take my shoes off in the place.
00:08:14
I think Marcelo not seeing dice that we grew up on. I sometimes do Sebastian and
00:08:21
I go into dice, but without having that in his head, Marcelo just gets to focus
00:08:27
on on Sebastian. There's some some dice influence there, but you know, Sebastian
00:08:34
just different. Yeah. He made it completely new. Uh I you know, you always wonder when
00:08:40
you do stuff where does it where does it come from? Like I don't know where the church lady came from honestly. I don't
00:08:45
know because it's not ma frickard you know of men in drag. It's not Milton Burl. So I'm not really sure where it
00:08:51
came from except from my childhood I suppose. And I think Sebastian's got
00:08:56
kind of the hook of Italian dad, tough dad, tough neighborhood, grew up tough.
00:09:02
And then he was talking yesterday about when he his dad ms the lawn drenched in sweat
00:09:07
and comes in with grass all over him and sweat and sits at the dinner table. He goes, "I don't know if dads still eat at
00:09:15
dinner with their shirts off." Um, does that happen anymore? Happen. I don't remember my dad eating dinner
00:09:21
with his shirt off. It's a funny idea though. My dad did. He just walk in and sit down if he was ever around.
00:09:29
But um he left when I was four. But um thanks for bringing that up, Dana. I once said, "Well, why are you eating
00:09:34
dinner with your shirt off?" And he had a big glass of water and he threw it at my face and he said, "Why are you wet?"
00:09:41
Why, Dana, what are you doing, Dana? True story. Oh, Jesus Christ. Why are
00:09:47
you wet? I can't talk politics with you because you don't know [ __ ]
00:09:54
It's exact quote. Exact quote in the exact voice of my All right. Tell me anything else that
00:10:00
happened and we'll get to some news stories because I'm out of stories. You're out of stories. I don't have much.
00:10:06
In the day of Onlord, when did everything 2025, Dave Phineas
00:10:13
Spade, comedian and sometimes actor, officially was out of quips.
00:10:20
Drain, I'm running on low fumes. No, I I just had a sort of it's been pouring rain in LA and that's a story. It's not
00:10:28
an interesting story, but that's all anyone in LA talks about and there's nothing funny to say about it. It's just
00:10:34
Well, nothing funny. Well, how did you respond to it? Fear. Fear and um realizing that everything's
00:10:43
different when it rains because you're so used to it not raining. So, when you go anyway, you got to walk 10 feet. You got to go, you have to have an umbrella.
00:10:50
My umbrella was the little shitty kind I used to get in New York that are five bucks the wind comes up
00:10:55
and then they're like they barely cover your head but it wouldn't it kept coming
00:11:00
down so I had to hold it all the way up to the top the whole time I'm walking and hold it tight so it doesn't cave in
00:11:06
on me. Oh dana that's New York. If you don't plan ahead, you don't have an umbrella. All of a sudden it's [ __ ] raining and you
00:11:12
have to duck in. What do you want? Do you guys have any umbrellas? They just pop out umbrella salesman with
00:11:18
like 80 umbrellas. You're like, "Give me, give me, but it's like a Kmart umbrella." And they go, "That'll be uh $99." Not f What
00:11:26
the [ __ ] You need it. But you got to buy it. You got to I like the rain cuz where I live, the
00:11:33
plants are desperate for rain. Everything is yellow and sad and droopy.
00:11:40
And then the gusher of this scent from heaven, gushing gorgeous
00:11:46
water comes on the plants. This would be something you would do. And the plant's kind of like when will it rain? And
00:11:57
[Music] yeah, they're parched. How would you How would you act that out? You'd have a sound effect for the
00:12:03
plant, right? Like the plant's like this. They're dying and they go, "Heard about there's there's a cloud. They're like
00:12:09
just chemtrails." And then it does rain a few drops like this.
00:12:16
They just go, "I just need a little something something." And then it pours and they go, "That's enough." And then
00:12:21
it's like pour and they're like, "Okay." Then the third day of pouring. Sometimes the plants are under the
00:12:27
ground and then it rains and then one hand go.
00:12:34
It's like It's like they're being born. Yeah.
00:12:39
They're like so much rain they don't realize they're not getting any [ __ ] more for six months. You said there was no shtick about rain.
00:12:45
Look at this. I know we're sticking out. You could do an album with this. Okay. So, Purdana is is a sponsor where
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it's a fragrance. So, they're sort of reimagining this. So, it's a brand defining how people scent
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they can have it for their house, their car. You do it from your app, of course. It's obviously all the futuristic technology
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and uh it has a it has a power. You know, when you smell something, it reminds you of something.
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It's sort of like a fingerprint on your house, your car. So it's like if you want to go to sleep and you have the a noise of rain coming
00:13:46
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pura.com. That's right. Okay, let's name because we said we
00:14:48
would. Let's name the best live streaming show you can watch right now.
00:14:55
Is there one you're thinking? Well, you mean like on like on Netflix or something
00:15:00
or Apple? Oh, there's live streaming which is like Bieber has a new live
00:15:06
stream show where it's on all like it's on for hours. That's Yeah, that's and uh and Aiden Ross. There's there's
00:15:14
there's two. I might go I might go on some of these and just see what it's all about. But you're talking about like stream
00:15:20
shows like Netflix or Apple. Yeah. Okay. So, which ones are good? There's one I like Nordic Noir. It is an
00:15:26
actual category because I'm Swedish and Norwegian.
00:15:32
I'm Swedish and Norwegian and a we bit Scottish and of course Irish.
00:15:39
Plurabus unumabus. Plurabus. Yeah, I haven't seen it but
00:15:45
I've heard about it. I'll watch that. Heard is kind of cool. There's a show called R A R E and it's
00:15:51
it's a murder mystery filmic film. Uh, Nordic norwir. Now, let me ask you a
00:15:57
question. Can you handle subtitles? Uh, yeah, because I I get some even if
00:16:04
it's English, there's subtitles on there. Yeah. And I wind up reading them. People mumble. Have you not? I thought maybe it's my age, but people are just
00:16:10
mumbling. Get the any accent. I'm [ __ ] I'm done. I can't do it. I was watching Task, which
00:16:17
I really liked. And T was great. Is uh I don't know. Is it Austria? I
00:16:23
can't remember anymore. No, it's American. Mark Ruffalo. That's a really task is up there. I' I'd recommend that.
00:16:29
Oh, it's uh it's not Boston. It's Philadelphia.
00:16:35
[ __ ] Hogy. I can understand it. But if it's Irish or English and they talk fast, I cannot.
00:16:40
Yes. But when I did my special, they put This is what happens when I see clips online
00:16:46
of comics. They put it at the bottom. But the joke on the bottom is a hair ahead of how they talk. And I don't want
00:16:52
to know the joke before they say it. Well, sometimes I think it would be like an acting class for people when you
00:16:58
you're watching the subtitle writers and you're getting it right before they say it. So you kind of go, "Oh, that's how
00:17:04
they're saying it, you know?" Yeah. Always ahead. They put the jokes and you
00:17:09
read them and then they like I want to see I just want to hear it and one or the other. Yeah. But uh I
00:17:15
I don't watch comedy much. What do they write on every coin minted since 1941? E pluribus unum.
00:17:21
Nope. E pluribus unum. Nope. No. What? You know what they write
00:17:27
on every coin? This is a coin. If you look at really small, this is a coin is
00:17:34
on the back. When I'm with love and I always drive him crazy because I go,
00:17:39
"Guess where I went? No, guess what I had for dinner last night." And he goes, "Steak and fries." I go, "Nope, steak
00:17:46
and fries." and he goes, "That's what I said, but I'm already ramped up, so I have to say it anyway." But he gets it
00:17:52
right and then I do it all the time to him and he goes, "But it's a good bit to do on people."
00:17:58
I have a game with Mark Pitta just were texting and you do a random thank you when it makes no sense.
00:18:06
So, hey, the 49ers won yesterday. Thank you. That's kind of funny.
00:18:12
Yeah, we do it a lot. And it it sometimes it'll go months before you just land a perfect thank you
00:18:18
where that does not belong. Try that with your friends. I do. I said uh I drove by a pickle ball
00:18:25
court today. You're welcome. I do the Yeah. There you go. That's You're welcome's funny, too.
00:18:31
Yeah. Yeah. Take credit for things you don't I go I thought you did a little long last night when I watched you do
00:18:36
standup. You're welcome. It's a criticism they don't want. And
00:18:42
then you say you're welcome. Who critiques standups anymore? I did. I sat last night. It was at the
00:18:48
store. It was pretty I heard I heard about it. You did? Oh, yeah. It wasn't pretty. I don't
00:18:54
think. Let me read some of the comments. They have good lineups. It was It was Eliza Sleser, me, Nick Croll.
00:19:00
Mhm. I think I can't think of the rest. Well, did you crush you?
00:19:08
Um, did you crush? It was a good crowd last night. They bring them in pretty good. That means you crushed
00:19:14
because it's pouring. So they're like, "We're hostages now." Do you ever do that with people? Like
00:19:20
you totally destroy and they go, "Good set." You kind of, "Well, you know, it was a hot audience." Or do you just go,
00:19:26
"Thanks." No, I go. And then afterwards, if they say they
00:19:31
were t they were, you didn't do good, I go, "Yeah, the crowd." I blame the crowd. I blame anything
00:19:37
else. All right, let's get to some big I put you in the top hundred standups. Thank you. There we go. Pastor who farts
00:19:44
in the faces of his congregation to heal them and cure them is going viral
00:19:50
with God's power. Look at how casually he is. Well, um let's this though. Even if
00:19:59
you're I think sometimes in religions, no matter which one, they they they do
00:20:04
stuff that from the outside you got to know. But I think this one I would think was a bit peculiar.
00:20:09
Uh this is this is my hot take on this. Hey Brian. Uh what Steve? I try to think
00:20:16
of something that would really trend. Maybe get on Fly on the Wall. Oh [ __ ] How about a a pastor who farts in
00:20:25
people's faces to heal them? By the way, I don't know how many people get healed. I I'm sure it's hovering
00:20:31
around 90 to 100%. But it seems like when people fart on people, it's not doing that much good in
00:20:38
my I don't know where the healing mechanism comes in. Is it's God's hand on
00:20:45
it's science mostly I feel. But yeah, there was this guru show this
00:20:50
guy in Oregon and he farted a lot and drank and had sex with people and drove a Cadillac or a Rolls-Royce and because
00:20:58
it was so wrong people believed in it. Well, that's how he's like a he's a good I know. Sometimes they get crazy with
00:21:05
they they go the other way and brag about how much they have. Yeah. He'll eat a Mars candy bar. Just
00:21:12
proves that he's just a a guru. God damn, there's some money flying around.
00:21:18
All right, so this is buzzing around. This is the uh sponsored by Five Energy's new cranberry lime flavor. The
00:21:25
perfect way to cut through your holiday food induced coma. Mhm. Head to your local retailer or www.5hour
00:21:33
energy.com. That's on letter five. I couldn't agree more with what you just
00:21:38
said. Okay. So, I'm going to give you more names and you're going to make a scenario and do and be funny.
00:21:44
Okay. Ready? Um, ready? Here's your scenario. I don't know if it's going to be funny. You can It cannot be You can do it not
00:21:51
funny. You used to be driving. Now you're on a spaceship. That's all you get. My
00:21:58
Maybe Trump, maybe Elon,
00:22:03
maybe. [Music] And uh either Travol say Matthew Mccane.
00:22:10
Yeah, if you have one Elon. Okay. You know, yeah.
00:22:15
On a spaceship. Yeah. That's funny already. Then
00:22:20
doesn't have two in there. Uh, this is the read starship red one over.
00:22:27
This is Lieutenant Commander Trump. Lieutenant Commander, uh, excuse me, sorry, my headphone came
00:22:35
out. Keep going. Uh, excuse me. This is Houston, aren't you? Uh, President Trump, or is that you, President?
00:22:40
I'm President Trump. I'm also Lieutenant Commander and I can fly a ship like you wouldn't believe. You can fly. I can fly
00:22:47
it high and fast. We're going to Mars. We're going to Mars. We are here with Elon Musk. Elon uh we're uh going to
00:22:54
Mars. Going to Mars. We have to go to Mars. We have to go to Mars. We have to terform Mars.
00:23:02
We're going to go to Mars and we're going to terraform it. You heard it. We're going to terraform it. What?
00:23:07
Where's McCut
00:23:13
Matthew? What do you think? All right. Right. Right. Right. And Al Gore is here. He came along. He's
00:23:20
a great friend of mine. We've got to go to Mars cuz Earth is running out of air.
00:23:28
It is. I heard him say that. And of course, we brought Arnold. You
00:23:33
got to bring Arnold on these things. He's a tremendous guy, right? We're going to Mars. We're going to find a
00:23:39
little little stick figure. Girly girly Martians. And then we'll bubble them
00:23:45
into dust and say, "Run away little girly Martians. This is a plan. Now,
00:23:52
you can break them with a little snap. Just because they're Martians, they're
00:23:58
still giries. You snap their little brains. They got big heads. They got no doubts. They got no abs in a word.
00:24:06
They're nothing, right, Lieutenant Commander Trump? Yes.
00:24:11
What about when they turn them over and you rub their head on the ground and light them like a match?
00:24:17
Well, When we get to Mars, we're going to have a bonfire and we're going to
00:24:23
roast Martians and eat them marshmallows. Right, Elon? Uh, we we kind
00:24:32
What he said? What he said? He's a smart cookie. He's a tough cookie. He's a cookie monster. This one.
00:24:39
Who's running it? Is Trump the captain? This is Lieutenant Commander Trump. But
00:24:45
you're the president. I'm the president, but right now I'm lieutenant commander and many people are saying that I can do
00:24:51
it. I can fly a ship like you wouldn't believe and I know how to do it and I can still do my accordion hands.
00:24:59
That was that was good. That was buzzing. All right. Yeah, that was buzzing around.
00:25:04
Cut it together. We're not cutting anything out of that. Sponsored by five energy's new cranberry
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00:25:28
Not for All right, next story. We'll get right back into the hot news takes. Let's get these hot takes going.
00:25:34
We're like the news. This is the project. Oh, this is an idea of what's going on. Wait, I want to get
00:25:39
this guy on. Jeremy Corbel. Hold on. Go ahead. This is when all the aliens are coming and they keep mentioning the
00:25:45
ships are coming. This is one of the possible plans. Show is coming. The space show is coming and this is the
00:25:52
last ditch effort. If the electricity goes out, your internet's out. You go outside, you look up at the stars and then you see this
00:25:58
thing, Project Blue Beam. Everything goes just as planned. The big fake space show involving sounds
00:26:04
and extremely realistic holograms in the sky. Using this technology has been kept
00:26:09
secret from the public, but we know enough about it. Project Blue Beam's artisans will create a worldwide
00:26:15
celestial show that mimics second coming of Christ. This is the other part of
00:26:20
Project Blue Beam. A lot of people haven't really known about considered that the appearance other religious
00:26:26
figures depending on the country in which they're displayed different will show and be played in various
00:26:33
Buddha pops up. So they're saying whoever you believe in in that country
00:26:38
pops up. But I have heard okay that there's an idea that you know first
00:26:44
of all Steven Greer true or not right was the idea what you know all these
00:26:50
places already have the spaceships they reverse engineer these tic tacs these are all ours 90% are ours but some are
00:26:56
real but some are ours. That's the idea. Now they're saying they're going to fake us out with some alien invasion to scare
00:27:03
everyone. stay in your homes. For what reason? Who's doing this beaming Jesus in the
00:27:08
sky? I can't tell you. Are they saying it's aliens or it's some company that's doing?
00:27:14
No, they're saying it would we have enough of that. Uh we we can recreate what some
00:27:22
of those spaceships could do. So, it's us tricking everyone so they can say so. There's some sort of
00:27:27
control aspect is the idea. But this guy Jeremy Corbel was saying that about a
00:27:33
year ago there's going to they're going to say there's a spaceship coming soon. It's a false flag. And then they did say
00:27:39
there's a spaceship 6 months later. They go there's this new Atlas, whatever that means. What if the aliens see these beaming
00:27:46
things and go, "Hey Brian, let's go to Earth now. I think we can copy that. We
00:27:52
can believe in the sky." It's very scary if they were if we don't know that we
00:28:00
already have this technology and then they use it we would be like those are obviously aliens. It's like, you know
00:28:06
what it's like, Don. My dad, when I was four, before he ran off, he said, this
00:28:12
is how easily tricked people are. This is a good analogy. He said, we said, "Let's play monster
00:28:18
with the three boys, me, Brian, and Andy." And he said, "Okay, but you Davey
00:28:23
always gets scared." This is me. You being Davey. Davey. So, he's in the living room. I'm
00:28:31
four or five. And he goes, "Okay, if I play monster, I'm going to pretend I'm a monster, grab you, and
00:28:37
just wrestle and tickle you, but I'll be on my knees in the living room." And I'm like, "Sounds like a blast."
00:28:42
Yeah. He goes, I go, "Yeah, it's fun." And he's like, "I know, but you don't quite get it. I'm a fake monster, but
00:28:48
I'm your dad." I'm like, "Okay, all right." I go, "Got it. Go, go, go, go. Let's go. I want to play monster."
00:28:54
I'm like, "This is boring what you're saying." He's like, "Okay, I'm gonna go fake monster. 3 2 1. Hey guys, I'm a
00:28:59
monster." And I go, "Oh my god, he's a monster." And he went to grab me and I barely got away. And I ran to my mom and
00:29:05
I said, "There's a monster in the living room." And she's cutting carrots. I take the knife. I run back and I stab him in
00:29:10
the leg. And how old are you? Five, maybe. So you didn't understand? Well, when he
00:29:18
said fake monster and then you you were five, but you thought he was a real monster that needed to be. Once he switched, I was immediately
00:29:25
tricked. Even hypnotize. Yeah. I go, I get it. I get He goes, "Oh, a monster." I'm like, "Wait, what?"
00:29:31
And then so I stabbed him and then he kept the shorts, Bermuda shorts for years that had blood on him.
00:29:38
Well, what kind of knife and how deep did it go? I have to ask. I don't want to go. It went about 12 in in
00:29:43
12 out the other side. It was like No, it was like that long. And I went just enough to bear him go,
00:29:50
"Hey." And then monster time was over and it was spanking time.
00:29:57
Well, we would Yeah. To me, that sounds like a blast. In our family, my dad would get like a 10day growth, like
00:30:03
really heavy, sharp whiskers, which I think I mentioned, and he'd look at me that, you know, I had three older brothers.
00:30:10
Oh, Dan, you love the whiskers. You love the whiskers. And I'm like, oh, here we
00:30:15
go. [ __ ] So, he just throw you down, get on top, you rub his whiskers into
00:30:22
your prepubescent soft pink skinned four-year-old face. Oh, Jesus Christ.
00:30:28
Oh, and you're like drowning in whiskerdom. And then I would take I'd reach out and he had a dumbbell cuz he
00:30:34
used to just sit. No. Dana hit his head really hard. Blood
00:30:40
was Oh,
00:30:45
grab 12bound kettle bell.
00:30:50
Welcome to our new segment called Childhood Fun. Oh my god. What? You ever get this
00:30:55
number? Go pick the belt you'd like. Yeah. To get smacked with.
00:31:01
Well, yeah. We There was one belt, but you had multiple belts to pick from. Yeah. Pick it. He's like, "Anyone. I'll
00:31:08
let you pick." And I'm like in my closet going which which one would obviously
00:31:13
wouldn't hurt the most, but Well, maybe a cloth one or something. Try to get one with no big belt buckle,
00:31:19
but when you're getting spanked on the butt, like it all hurts. But wouldn't he would he he would fold
00:31:24
it and snap it. snap it a few times to Yeah. Like and the other brothers were like, "Oh
00:31:30
boy." Siblings would gather around and you had to grab your ankles and he'd go, "Okay, how many?" You know, and they were
00:31:36
looking down at their suggesting one. I know it'll fall on deaf ears, but I
00:31:42
maybe I learned my lesson and we go with zero. Yeah. It wasn't that often time
00:31:49
different time, you know, it was more it was more of a physical relationship with your parents. All right, new new story.
00:31:58
Give us a story. This is Show me your completely useless
00:32:05
secret talent. Okay, this is I guess five people doing it. I'll I'll rank them. Okay,
00:32:11
completely useless secret talent. Oh,
00:32:16
show your completely useless secret talent. Oh, that's good. Wow, that is high
00:32:22
pitch. God, I used to be able to do that. Useless secret talent.
00:32:27
That's pretty good. She can laugh without opening her mouth. Is that real? Show me your completely useless talent.
00:32:38
Disgusting. Is that it?
00:32:43
Oh, and now now it's Oh. Oh, she puts her hand backwards.
00:32:49
Show me your complete double joint. I'll go first.
00:32:55
Oh, that's a great one. God, is these real? That's incredible, dude. These are
00:33:01
like stupid human tricks. I love that [ __ ] God, she could double jointed was cool. She goes like this to pick something up,
00:33:07
then she goes that way. Laughing without moving her face at all.
00:33:14
Here, I can watch. Hey, Dana. Watch. Watch me laugh without moving my
00:33:20
face. Horrible one. Hey, watch it.
00:33:28
Can you uh triple whistle? I used to be able to do that.
00:33:34
I could triple whistle, but you needed saliva. No,
00:33:39
the birds in the morning. I used to be able to do That's good. Real quiet birds.
00:33:45
No, they're flying away. I used to do the oldfashioned telephone.
00:33:56
That's hard with the tongue. That's a really good one. Can I do it? I can't. No, you can't. I cheat. I go
00:34:02
and then you do the one. You could try to guess phone numbers by
00:34:09
how far it went. Like that's a nine. Yeah. Operator, give me Lo 447.
00:34:17
I'm not old enough for that [ __ ] My mom had that. Well, it was old timey stuff. Operator.
00:34:23
Okay, next one. Let's see. Stupid human trips are funny. Blow my mind in this next one. I like
00:34:30
that was incredible. The tone of that. Yeah. Mhm. NASA activated its planetary defense
00:34:35
protocol. Oh, this is 31 Atlas again. We don't have to talk about it too much, but it
00:34:41
says, oh, the funny thing is they said when this comet is coming to Earth,
00:34:46
which is real, half the scientists think it's a spaceship because it goes in different directions and whatever, but
00:34:54
they said when it gets to the sun and goes around it, we'll know more and it might cause blackouts.
00:35:00
And I remember that day came and they go, it didn't. And I go, of course it didn't. It's not that close. It's like
00:35:07
when you say to someone, I'm pulling up. Well, the sun they were they were at the sun or they were at Mars. Yeah. They
00:35:14
were going around Mars, this comet. And I'm like, that's still kind of far.
00:35:19
Yeah. They always say a comet is going to be a close flyby to the Earth next
00:35:24
month. Coming within 200 million miles, Yeah. of our beloved planet.
00:35:30
It's going to pop by a few galaxies first. Do you know the odds that the Earth exists?
00:35:37
It doesn't even exist. No, that it exists. That the Earth exists with us little sick little
00:35:43
monkeys on the planet. Yeah. Two trillion to one. So, we aren't even here.
00:35:50
Well, the odds that it was a rock and then a little smaller rock hit it and
00:35:55
spun around and made the moon. So without the moon being the exact size it is, the ex exact distance it is, we
00:36:02
don't exist because there'll be no tides. And then little bits of bacteria became little squitty things and little
00:36:09
fish and then alligators came out and then we had, you know, bronosauruses or
00:36:14
hippos and horses and then we had Richard Nixon. I mean, evolution is so
00:36:19
like I like when they find one bone and within three minutes they go, "This is 41 million years old." I'm like, "Shut
00:36:26
up, 41. Why Why do they think it's so exact? You don't know shit."
00:36:32
If we didn't have Jupiter where it is way out there, a big old fat Jupiter
00:36:37
blocking stuff, hitting us, we Jupiter's killing it. Jupiter's our bodyguard. I look at hieroglyphics and I
00:36:44
look at things where they look like aliens and stuff when they years and million years ago. You go, "What is going on with these pyramids and how
00:36:51
deep they go?" I love all that [ __ ] It's so nuts. I do too. remember anything. We're
00:36:56
aliens. You are. You're a bacterium. You're a Thank you.
00:37:02
I remember I met you. You're just a bacteria. Then you just bacteria. But it's two trillion to one that planet Earth exists. So some
00:37:09
scientists now are looking at seeding. So in other words, some alien race or
00:37:15
god or whatever you want to call it came here and sort of created this scenario
00:37:21
where they could then seed humans. What if they were like they just pooped on Earth on when they did a flyby and then
00:37:27
we grew out like maggots? That would be a horrible You mean my dream scenario?
00:37:35
What if we allund and then age 100 we started to metamorphosize into maggots?
00:37:43
Grandma, you go backwards. You go back into the poop. Why?
00:37:48
All right. Maybe we have a new story. This one's getting a little spun out. It's getting a little spongy.
00:37:56
Okay. Okay. Wait, Dana. Wait. So, the Olsson twins are in a new Louis Vuitton
00:38:01
ad. Okay. Well, let's hope these are true. I Okay, cuz Miley Cyrus one was true.
00:38:08
When was the last time you saw the Olsson twins? I like the scary Kate and Ashley.
00:38:13
Why do I ask? Because they're now featured in a Louis Vuitton ad and they
00:38:18
are unnable, leaving their fans. They always waste too much time asking the question,
00:38:24
what happened to the Olsson twins? If you haven't seen the ad, take a look at this.
00:38:30
Well, that looks like the Olsson twins featured in a Louis Vuitton ad. Does
00:38:35
that look like the Olsson twins to you? Here are a few more images from the
00:38:40
Louis Vuitton. That one looks like they bug their eyes out. I can't get past the guys in the front.
00:38:46
I'm not even thinking about the Olsson twins, Mary Kate and Ashley. if they didn't see their names listed on the ad.
00:38:54
Take a look below. I don't believe anything when someone speaks to me like that. Well, that guy's too close to camera.
00:38:59
Too scary music. And he also What did he look like? A bird.
00:39:05
No, I know. It's dramatic. I thought I saw the Gucci ad with Miley and this is kind of the same thing. If that's a look
00:39:11
they're all running with. I mean, well, so it's photoshopped, right? Well, that looks crazy bugged. I I don't
00:39:18
know if that's makeup or, you know, I don't know if their eyes are like that. That's they look like the twins from The
00:39:23
Shining. Okay, that's what I think they're going for there. Maybe. But maybe the two psych psychotic twins in
00:39:29
the movie The Shining, Jack Nicholson, Stanley Kubrick. Yeah, possibly. And also the world of modeling, they're
00:39:35
not always trying to be pretty. They're like trying to make people just shocking or something to talk about.
00:39:42
So I that one I don't think is real. The first one is doesn't really shock me. There were rumors that Jamie Jamie Fox
00:39:49
had been kind of transformed or a different person or cloned or something, right?
00:39:55
Wasn't it Cat or Cat Williams who said that?
00:40:00
Britney is Britney cloned. Cat Cat Williams did a thing that Yeah.
00:40:06
That somehow he goes that's not Jamie Fox, right? That's not
00:40:12
also Britney. They think possibly Um, okay. I'll give you one more story,
00:40:20
Dana, and then I got to get rid of you. Look at my It's that Superman back there. Okay. I have to go close my sunroof. It's
00:40:26
pouring again. Thanks. All right. Hardcore dad does fit
00:40:32
checks with his kids every morning. Okay. Fit checks means Oh, outfit checks. Fit Oh, fit outfits. Okay,
00:40:42
they look cool. I'm sure they do a whole spin.
00:40:49
It is fun. I guarantee you people follow that.
00:40:54
Oh, casual. Kids shorts are kind of nailing it.
00:41:02
I wonder if they get beat up for this. I don't know. Is this
00:41:07
She's got a nice new laboom. It's cute. It's cute. Is this is this lighting up
00:41:13
the global web or was it I they always say things are trending but it means
00:41:18
someone goes I like when people announce their last video went viral. My last one went really viral. I'm like well you had
00:41:25
25 followers and you got 90 views. That's viral for you but it didn't
00:41:31
really break the intranet. I don't I don't I don't think we can pull up a
00:41:36
picture of it. But I don't know how it's not demoralizing for today's youth when a guy probably nice guy in the world. We
00:41:43
should get him on the podcast has jeans that are like 12 feet long and he's got
00:41:49
a huge following globally and the only thing he does is had these jeans made that are like go way past his body and
00:41:55
he is that a real guy or is that something? It's a real guy. It's a real article. If you can find that picture, Greg, throw it up cuz Greg David officially doesn't
00:42:03
believe me for the first time on the podcast. No, I don't believe anything. He's called Jean Guy and he's got
00:42:09
millions of followers. He's probably monetizing it. It's called Jean Jean the Dancing Machine from the Gong Show.
00:42:15
It's in the New York Times. Got to be true. Wake up, Spade.
00:42:21
Yeah. Okay. Let me see if this is worth doing. What does it say? It's something gross. What is it? Uh,
00:42:29
the information is false. White thick lead. How to Oh, it's about lead paint. You
00:42:36
know anything about lead paint? Well, I I think it can be toxic in certain ways. You don't want to put it
00:42:41
on your All right, let's see what this [ __ ] is. Have you been down the lead paint rabbit
00:42:47
hole? Because it may have been banned for a completely different reason than many think. Huh? Did they really ban lead paint because
00:42:54
it was toxic or because it blocked their signals? Oh, think about it.
00:43:00
Every home was paint. Thick, durable, insulating.
00:43:05
Farley. Suddenly, governments worldwide decided it was dangerous. But here's what they don't tell you.
00:43:11
Lead is a natural shield against radiation and electromagnetic frequencies.
00:43:16
In other words, radio waves can't penetrate. Alien intervention. Before the ban, your walls literally acted like armor. No TV.
00:43:25
Yeah, you couldn't use your phone. Wireless anything could pass through. Oh, I see. And then, right, as wireless communication,
00:43:30
that kind of makes sense. Radio television. I'm sure lead isn't great for you,
00:43:35
though. But it What's the takeway? Take it. It wasn't toxic.
00:43:43
Oh, it wasn't. No, they're saying they did it so they could get all these things into your house.
00:43:49
Okay. So, it wasn't a problem and the government came in and said, "But I'd say I'd rather have my cell phone on
00:43:56
than lead [ __ ] walls." Absolutely. If I didn't have my cell phone,
00:44:01
you'd be like this. I don't Here's you if you don't text for 5 seconds. Quick impression of you. If you can't
00:44:08
find your phone, I don't know where it is. What do I do? I must have left it in my car. Heather.
00:44:14
Heather. Here's me when I accidentally leave my phone in the refrigerator. Where is it? Call it.
00:44:23
I do leave it in the fridge a lot. Here's you driving to a restaurant in West Hollywood.
00:44:28
I don't know. I I don't know where it is. I don't know where to go. Heather,
00:44:33
I couldn't eat my whole dinner if I don't have my phone. Especially if other people are talking to me. Driving some kind of giant
00:44:40
an 18wheeler. [Music] M
00:44:45
I I ought to pound you. [Music]
00:44:50
That's a bus. Mhm. Then you open a bus, [Laughter] it breaks.
00:44:56
Why don't you sell those sound effects? They get me nothing. They get me no value.
00:45:02
I know someone there. They make these little buttons in China. You buy them for like a dollar. They're like this. They're they're refrigerator magnets.
00:45:08
You press on them and it'll give you a recording of something. Like you could sorry this
00:45:14
this is broken. You're [ __ ] You could have something like, "Hey buddy," or whatever and sell them.
00:45:22
Here's my here's my tone. Hey buddy, pick it up buddy.
00:45:28
Hey boss, pick it up boss. Your phone's ringing, boss. In the day of answering machines, I
00:45:34
guess you still have outgoing messages. You could tell when someone didn't have a lot going in on in the comedy world
00:45:40
when their outgoing message was better than their comedy act. I mean, I had a guy once, he's like, "Oh, you know,
00:45:47
leave a beep kind of thing. Old man beep. He is coming. Old man beep. He
00:45:57
coming." And then it would beep. And you knew that guy had nothing going on. They used to do a whole album on KTLE of
00:46:04
of messages you could leave. By the way, mine is I'll tell you right after I plug the tour of davidpay.com coming to your
00:46:10
city. Probably not. And um here's my here's my message.
00:46:15
Ready? Here's my answering machine. You've heard it. Okay. Hey, it's DS. Leave me a clean up.
00:46:24
Okay, there you go. Well, here's my question. How long did it take you to think of that?
00:46:29
I actually stole that one, but it's still pretty funny, is it? Um All right, Dana, I'm going to leave and then you stay on for like an hour.
00:46:35
Okay. I'm going to do another solo podcast right now. Oh, you have another one? A spin-off?
00:46:41
Yeah. Called Fly on the Wall. No guest, no co-host. It's called Dana. Don't need no friends.
00:46:49
It's called Dana Land. Okay, good. All right. I'll see you next time, guys.
00:46:54
See you next time. We're on 50.
00:47:02
Hey guys, if you're loving this podcast, which you are, be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app. Give us a
00:47:09
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00:47:14
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00:47:21
produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman, Mattie Sprung Kaiser, and Leah
00:47:28
Reese Dennis of Odyssey. Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman. And the show is produced and edited by Phil Sweet
00:47:35
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00:47:44
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00:47:50
Kourtney, and Lauren Vieiraa. Reach out with us any questions to be asked and answered on the show. You can email us
00:47:56
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