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Christchurch Mosque Attack Survivor: “I Was Shot 9 Times… I Shouldn’t Be Here!”

March 12, 2025 / 02:02:27

This episode features Tim discussing his experience as a survivor of the Christchurch mosque shooting on March 15, 2019. He shares details about the attack, his injuries, and the ongoing emotional impact.

Tim recounts being shot nine times during the attack, including bullets to his mouth, legs, and arms. He describes the chaos inside the mosque, the panic of the moment, and the traumatic memories that resurface each year around the anniversary of the shooting.

He reflects on the emotional toll of surviving, including the challenges of PTSD and survivor's guilt. Tim also discusses the importance of raising awareness about hate and violence, emphasizing the need for unity and safety in New Zealand.

Throughout the conversation, Tim expresses gratitude for the support he has received from the community and shares his mission to honor the victims and educate others about the impact of such tragedies.

This episode serves as a powerful reminder of resilience and the ongoing struggle for peace and understanding in a diverse society.

TL;DR

Tim shares his harrowing experience as a survivor of the Christchurch mosque shooting and discusses the ongoing emotional impact and need for community support.

Video

00:00:05

timl welcome to my podcast thank you

00:00:09

thanks for inviting me yeah I I sent you

00:00:12

an invite um you replied to me um I

00:00:14

organized some flights packed up from

00:00:16

the airport but the way how was my

00:00:17

driving everyone criticizes my driving

00:00:20

it was good yeah yeah very safe thank

00:00:23

you so um this is um a crazy story that

00:00:28

you've got you were um one of the

00:00:31

victims with the uh Crush mosque

00:00:33

shooting on um March 15 2019 yes I'm the

00:00:39

Survivor yeah how are you thank you very

00:00:42

much about six years later still you

00:00:45

know I can say it's same old same old

00:00:48

like day

00:00:50

one yeah so you got a shot nine you you

00:00:53

got a shot more than anyone else you got

00:00:54

shot nine times yeah I have a record

00:00:57

so a record that nobody else want

00:01:00

yeah next persons only have five bullets

00:01:03

you know so you can imagine and

00:01:05

comparing so it is it is some sort of a

00:01:07

miracle that you

00:01:08

hear yes miracles in Miracles yeah M so

00:01:12

you got a shot shot number one in the

00:01:15

yeah the first bullet is entered to the

00:01:18

my

00:01:19

uh mouth from this angle and then uh

00:01:24

Turkish

00:01:26

Maiden te Bridge te is a metal based and

00:01:31

ceramic cover so that's the slow d and

00:01:34

or pretty much B uh stop it the bullets

00:01:38

forcing into my brain and then sliding

00:01:41

on the side back jaw and then going down

00:01:45

to the bottom jaw and broken my bottom

00:01:48

jaw with bullets so I have two

00:01:51

Platinum yeah it was very scary I was

00:01:54

thinking I died on first bullet M and

00:01:59

then where did the other eight go to

00:02:02

yeah I have five bullets on my legs one

00:02:05

each knees and on my left Cal two

00:02:09

bullets and and also upper thigh on my

00:02:12

left legs is have one bullets and then

00:02:16

three bullets on my arms yeah there's

00:02:19

some there's a lot of scaring on your

00:02:20

left arm right yeah you can see the all

00:02:22

the way to from my chest to middle of my

00:02:25

hands to the big scar that's maybe meter

00:02:28

probably long m yeah so um flying here

00:02:33

from Christ Church to Oakland today

00:02:34

how's how's like the Aviation Security

00:02:36

like do you do you go off in the

00:02:38

scanners yeah yeah they are very funny

00:02:41

because I'm beeping very quickly so they

00:02:44

stopping me and they put me the 3D scan

00:02:46

so and then afterwards they still not

00:02:49

sure oh he's free to go or something

00:02:52

like this especially this morning he

00:02:54

looked at me eyes and then I didn't do

00:02:57

any reaction said okay you're free to go

00:02:59

and then a past but when they do

00:03:02

sensitive you know I'm beeping and then

00:03:05

they panicking and they stopping me cuz

00:03:08

you've got fragments everywhere yes yes

00:03:10

this is a I showed you some the exray so

00:03:14

you can see I'm light lighting like a a

00:03:17

Christmas tree in the X-ray you can see

00:03:20

that yes white spots everywhere yeah now

00:03:23

we just to time stamp this conversation

00:03:25

we're recording this around the time of

00:03:27

the 6th anniversary um March 15 how does

00:03:31

it look for you each year

00:03:33

now yeah every time every year

00:03:36

especially in beginning the March I

00:03:39

start the stress because of uh I know

00:03:42

the March 15 is the day the massacr

00:03:46

happen and then I witnessed really bad

00:03:50

way to the you know hours in the and

00:03:53

then it's not easy the flashbacks is

00:03:56

coming back because I live with that

00:03:59

every day anyway but at the beginning of

00:04:02

March this two weeks is very stressful

00:04:05

for me because of very emotional and

00:04:08

then it is still very fresh and raw for

00:04:11

me to and I live it like yesterday when

00:04:15

it's March 15 happened and this year is

00:04:19

the 14th of March is the

00:04:21

Friday and I will go Friday pray in the

00:04:25

elor mosque and I will

00:04:28

remember with we lost 51

00:04:31

shuhada and then of course we'll see the

00:04:34

catch up with the

00:04:36

other uh blood wanded and uh injured

00:04:40

people and

00:04:42

survivors so it is really really uh

00:04:45

emotional for me so something like this

00:04:49

podcast today how is this for you is

00:04:52

this difficult you're still feeling you

00:04:55

know uh

00:04:57

nervous or uh uh stressed but you know

00:05:02

this is the my mission I feel because of

00:05:05

the I

00:05:06

survived after all that bullet injuries

00:05:10

I may die on the first bullet but this

00:05:13

is the miracle and I Ser white and then

00:05:18

it should be some reason from Allah to

00:05:23

why I'm survived and then I decided be

00:05:27

openly and explained and talk about it

00:05:31

and inform the people what was happened

00:05:34

on that day and how we affected and what

00:05:38

we are struggled still in current day

00:05:43

what are

00:05:44

triggered so I do this for mission for

00:05:48

awareness and inform the people and also

00:05:52

I try to

00:05:55

uh uh make example to Authority people

00:06:00

and understand and makes this uh New

00:06:02

Zealand safe again like before the March

00:06:06

15 and we should get lesson from it yeah

00:06:10

well I appreciate you being here today

00:06:12

so um yeah so after this in a few hours

00:06:15

time when you're on the plane going back

00:06:16

to Christ Church like do you feel

00:06:18

drained is it exhausting of course it's

00:06:20

not easy for me because of uh every

00:06:23

single seconds when we are talking here

00:06:27

I am living in it m so when I'm talking

00:06:30

with you I see same time when everything

00:06:35

I explain what I see is coming you know

00:06:39

like a film is going in front of my eyes

00:06:44

and then I'm explain to you and I'm

00:06:47

talking about that because I'm seeing

00:06:50

now yeah cu the reason I asked that it

00:06:52

probably seems like a silly silly

00:06:53

question to ask but we we've just been

00:06:55

um sitting out in the office area for

00:06:57

the past hour or so and um you you

00:07:00

grabbed a piece of paper and drew a

00:07:01

diagram and were explaining to us in the

00:07:04

office what what happened that day um

00:07:06

and where you were in relation to the

00:07:08

the terrorist and um where everyone else

00:07:11

was and um you just talk about it almost

00:07:13

like mechanically yeah almost like

00:07:15

robotically yeah JJ was in in tears like

00:07:19

she was streaming in tears but you were

00:07:21

sort of methodically just running

00:07:22

through how things happened do you just

00:07:23

s of are you able to tell the story and

00:07:25

go on sort of autopilot a bit yeah it is

00:07:27

autopilot at the moment because of if I

00:07:30

don't do that you know I can't talk and

00:07:35

I can't inform you and other peoples who

00:07:38

lived in New Zealand all around the

00:07:42

world and I have to be strong enough for

00:07:45

to do that and also I think this is the

00:07:48

come from my character and Turkish

00:07:50

nationalities Turkish peoples is

00:07:52

stubborn so I am one of that I'm

00:07:54

stubborn Turkish man so because of I er

00:07:59

uh tell myself this is my mission and

00:08:02

I'm focused for it and I want to uh New

00:08:06

Zealand safe

00:08:08

again and it's not forgotten till March

00:08:11

15 we should get lesson and then we have

00:08:15

to save this country for our future

00:08:19

Generations yeah your sons your

00:08:21

grandkids my sons my grandkids your

00:08:24

daughters and everybody's children's has

00:08:27

to be feel safe again in New

00:08:30

Zealand by the way I was born in New

00:08:33

Zealand but um I think I might be

00:08:35

Turkish I'm very stubborn yeah yes

00:08:38

welcome to my we should we should go

00:08:40

travel turkey together yeah I don't know

00:08:44

I think two two stubborn people

00:08:45

traveling together is a bad idea we can

00:08:48

be good company yeah so um the reason

00:08:51

the reason this all happened is because

00:08:53

you're a Muslim that's the only reason

00:08:54

this this happen I was a worshipper in

00:08:57

the mosque on that day yeah so so um

00:08:59

what does it mean exactly what does it

00:09:01

mean to be a Muslim it's only the faith

00:09:04

you know and and also you believing and

00:09:07

this is how I grew up it's not my uh

00:09:12

fault to be born in the Muslim country

00:09:17

in turkey and is Muslim

00:09:20

family I born and I am like this and is

00:09:23

I feel no different than you you know

00:09:26

you feel how you feel here you born in

00:09:30

New Zealand I feel exactly the same when

00:09:33

I was born in turkey and how I grow up

00:09:36

it is normal life you know I never feel

00:09:40

you like coffee I like coffee you like

00:09:42

dance I like crazy dance too you know I

00:09:45

like to go nightclub you like to go

00:09:47

nightclubs too so we are no different as

00:09:51

a human and I didn't feel different so

00:09:55

this is I learned from my childhood my

00:10:00

mother is praying five times reading

00:10:03

Quran but my father wasn't do that my

00:10:06

brother's not do that my older sisters

00:10:08

do that but my youngest sisters not do

00:10:11

that you know we don't do five time

00:10:14

practicing or fasting or you know

00:10:17

because of this is uh personal choice

00:10:21

and personal problem if it is the

00:10:23

problem you know between Allah God or

00:10:27

yourself this is no third parties

00:10:31

problem so I don't understand uh this uh

00:10:37

hatred come from and uh the March 15

00:10:42

2019 Terror attacks happened from one of

00:10:45

the racist extremist and did Massacre

00:10:50

because of hate Muslim

00:10:54

people if you ask how many time you've

00:10:57

been in the Muslim country

00:10:59

probably he will say

00:11:01

none or you know what who is the Muslim

00:11:05

persons harmed you you know they can't

00:11:08

he can't answer it but this is

00:11:11

radicalizing you know in the dark web

00:11:14

and then they play the video games like

00:11:16

shooting something like this and then

00:11:19

probably didn't do anything like what I

00:11:22

did because I was very active I like

00:11:24

football I like swimming I like to do

00:11:27

gym I like to do running

00:11:29

and I like to do tracking I was very

00:11:32

love to play the golf with my friends

00:11:36

you know I was interested one day to

00:11:38

learn the tennis too you know and I play

00:11:40

table

00:11:41

tennis you know

00:11:44

um uh you know activities I like to do

00:11:48

it lots

00:11:49

too and probably this person you know

00:11:53

this terrorist didn't do anything like

00:11:55

what I

00:11:56

did and then l most of my friends in New

00:12:00

Zealand is New Zealander or English

00:12:03

nationalities or Dutch or you know do

00:12:06

you understand what I mean you know no

00:12:09

one is judge me because of I'm Muslim

00:12:11

because they seeing me I am one of them

00:12:13

and my U ex-wife she's non-believer too

00:12:18

aist but I married with her and I raised

00:12:20

two

00:12:21

kids she never judge me because I'm

00:12:24

Muslim I never judge her because she's

00:12:26

atheist because we care about each

00:12:29

others because of we are

00:12:31

human and this is my ideology love the

00:12:35

Creator created because of the

00:12:38

Creator that's how I look to the people

00:12:41

so if I can do that two opposite

00:12:45

Believers can become together and then

00:12:50

walk together the same road is easy but

00:12:54

I don't understand why this kind of

00:12:56

peoples are choosing

00:12:59

harming the innocent peoples or

00:13:01

worshippers in the

00:13:03

mosque you you sort of gave us um an

00:13:06

insight there into who you were before

00:13:09

March 15 2019 in terms of all the

00:13:12

activity and all the physical stuff you

00:13:13

did um let's drill down on that a little

00:13:16

bit and you p a pature of who you were

00:13:18

so you're from Turkey yes um shall we

00:13:21

say turkey not turkey turkey because of

00:13:25

United Nations is confirmed we are not

00:13:28

turkey

00:13:29

[Laughter]

00:13:31

we are Turkish and we are from Turkey

00:13:34

right yes so um I I'm a I'm a New

00:13:36

Zealander that's um that's been to

00:13:38

Turkey yeah yes um it's a good

00:13:40

opportunity for me to inform

00:13:43

people than for that UC so being in New

00:13:46

Zealand I've been you probably can guess

00:13:48

where I've been I went to gpol I went to

00:13:50

um IST and capid doia as all that very

00:13:55

nice places to go especially New Zealand

00:13:58

or should go to

00:13:59

because we have the same history over

00:14:02

there and you know 100 years ago our

00:14:06

grandparents grandfathers is fight over

00:14:10

there and I call that last gentleman war

00:14:14

in gpol with new zealanders and Turkish

00:14:17

armies there fighting each others as a

00:14:20

gentleman they killed each others but

00:14:22

later on they become friends and 100

00:14:25

years later de's grandkids is married

00:14:30

and make love and then have two

00:14:32

childrens and raise the childrens and

00:14:34

many many new zealanders like this

00:14:36

married with Turkish people like that

00:14:38

too and they have peaceful life together

00:14:43

yeah that's the important part you know

00:14:46

we can do it together yeah for sure so

00:14:50

where are you from you're from

00:14:51

whereabouts in Turkey down the down the

00:14:53

B South South Coast it's called fettia

00:14:56

My Hometown is very popular uh holiday

00:14:59

spot for the tourism and tourist is lots

00:15:02

of uh tourist is coming there to for

00:15:05

having holiday yeah and I I believe um

00:15:08

from my research you were you were a

00:15:09

naughty boy you're you're a bad a bad

00:15:12

boy you you you lived in um like a few

00:15:14

stories up and you used to like go on

00:15:16

your balcony and pee pee on the street

00:15:19

did you see that

00:15:20

documentary yeah yeah where I where I

00:15:22

was growing up it was like apartment

00:15:25

houses and we are on the fourth floor

00:15:27

and then it's summertime is very hot you

00:15:30

know and then I sleep in the

00:15:33

balcony of course when I need to go to

00:15:35

the toilet I have to pass many other

00:15:38

brothers and sisters and fathers all the

00:15:40

way you know so I can't do that and then

00:15:42

all right okay I have to do pain down to

00:15:46

from sometimes I was very naughty when I

00:15:50

see the peoples walking you

00:15:53

know but probably four five years old

00:15:56

you know that time so you can't

00:15:59

against you um and yeah so so who were

00:16:02

you so you loved your football

00:16:04

um your your dad died very young your

00:16:06

dad died when you were Liv you lost your

00:16:08

dead when you were Liv yes uh that's to

00:16:10

give me big trauma also too because I

00:16:12

lost my father's very young he died from

00:16:15

the L ccer he was a very heavy smoker

00:16:19

and of course his very stressed life for

00:16:21

looking after the big

00:16:23

families and then um and also pay the

00:16:26

bills same time so he died uh very slow

00:16:32

actually on that days is you know

00:16:34

technology is not as like today mhm so 8

00:16:37

months stayed in hospital and when I was

00:16:40

visit him in last time before he died a

00:16:44

week before I saw him in the hospital

00:16:46

room and I always remember him as like

00:16:50

that you know I can never forget that

00:16:52

image and then week later after I

00:16:55

visited I find he died and then they

00:16:58

bring the his body and uh his big part

00:17:02

is I lost in my heart and in my soul big

00:17:08

part missing and then so I still missing

00:17:12

lots I'm 50 so pretty much 39 years ago

00:17:17

I lost and then when as March 15

00:17:20

happened I was very close to die on that

00:17:24

day and I didn't think anyone else not

00:17:28

not my mother or brothers or sisters or

00:17:31

niece and nephews I was only thinking my

00:17:34

two

00:17:36

son I always scared they shared like my

00:17:41

past you know um they lost me when they

00:17:44

are little young and then they grow up

00:17:47

with our father without father

00:17:51

so I was really crying and praying to uh

00:17:57

spare my life from from from the in the

00:18:01

MOs so so you know I I was very lucky to

00:18:07

survived and then I'm here in New

00:18:10

Zealand for my kids they are 18 and 20

00:18:14

now and yeah I have a little bit issue

00:18:17

with younger son but I want uh he knows

00:18:22

I'm here and I will be always next to

00:18:24

him when he needs me and uh I catch up

00:18:28

with my older son he's 20 we pretty much

00:18:31

seeing each other's every second or

00:18:34

third week and he's catch up with me and

00:18:36

we're having good time together yeah cuz

00:18:39

you just I mean just talking about it

00:18:41

you can see the impact that losing your

00:18:43

father at a young age had on you so you

00:18:45

were 11 when your dad died um your

00:18:48

younger son was 12 when the mosque

00:18:50

shooting happened yeah pretty yeah so he

00:18:53

he almost lost his dad at the same you

00:18:55

lost your dad um and yeah and also uh in

00:18:59

March 15 on the first day is something

00:19:02

is happened in the system and they lost

00:19:04

me and nobody can find

00:19:06

me and then about 10 hours 12 hours

00:19:10

later they find me and then the person

00:19:13

is the identify me is my older son and I

00:19:19

can imagine how hard for him to see me

00:19:23

in that position because they were

00:19:25

thinking they can't find me in hospital

00:19:29

and then they said police or nurses said

00:19:32

them please prepare him maybe still in

00:19:36

the Mosk maybe expect he

00:19:40

died and can you imagine the feeling of

00:19:43

my older Sons how he traumatized his dad

00:19:46

is stinking his dad is

00:19:50

died and no one can have any information

00:19:53

about me and then they find me in middle

00:19:56

of the night midnight in in of cares and

00:19:59

then he identified me his I'm his father

00:20:03

and he was 14 at the time yeah so for

00:20:05

that whole afternoon evening he he was

00:20:07

hoping for the best but preparing for

00:20:09

the worst yeah it was the story yeah so

00:20:13

imagine there's

00:20:16

uh feelings and traumatizing you know

00:20:20

are they the the boys have they have

00:20:22

they had therapy are they having therapy

00:20:25

yeah we had some short time they had but

00:20:27

you know ACC in limited uh uh giving uh

00:20:31

session for the that time children's but

00:20:36

of course uh I can I can see that they

00:20:39

traumatize a

00:20:41

lot are not surprising

00:20:44

either yeah okay so so so your dad dies

00:20:47

when you're 11 you you start working

00:20:49

when you're 12 are you still at school

00:20:50

yeah I was 12 yeah yeah yeah so you so

00:20:54

you go to school during the day yes and

00:20:56

then and then you you're working family

00:20:59

with my cousin I went to fishing in the

00:21:02

FTI Harbor on that uh time they have a

00:21:07

dingy and fishing nets and then I was

00:21:10

rowing to the dingy and he was losing

00:21:13

the the uh fishing nets we are going to

00:21:16

same class during the day same school

00:21:19

same class and then we going work

00:21:21

together nighttime and then wake up get

00:21:24

up early in the morning go take the fish

00:21:27

nets out and clean it come home and then

00:21:32

change and go to school his fathers come

00:21:35

and pick up to the uh shrimps and PRS we

00:21:39

catch it in the

00:21:41

harbor and then yeah we made it money

00:21:43

and then he's pay me money on the end of

00:21:47

the week so the money is just so you can

00:21:49

like help pay you know help the

00:21:51

household or provide for family I helped

00:21:53

my mother because uh she was Widow when

00:21:56

she's 39 and then look after six

00:22:00

kids how how are you not falling asleep

00:22:02

in

00:22:03

class

00:22:05

difficult difficult but I was as I said

00:22:08

to you I'm stubborn man

00:22:11

so yeah wow on that time I was very

00:22:14

stubborn too yeah yeah and and you moved

00:22:16

um to New Zealand in 2009 with your your

00:22:19

New Zealand born wife yeah um so is she

00:22:24

from Christ Church originally she is

00:22:26

born tomorrow yeah but uh they came to

00:22:30

Christ Church when she start

00:22:32

University so they liveed uh in Christ

00:22:37

Church since uh she's 20 right so or 18

00:22:41

something yeah so you met you met her in

00:22:43

turkey and you fall in you fall in love

00:22:44

over there yeah we did yeah she was

00:22:46

living in London she was working in

00:22:49

London as a teacher and then she did

00:22:53

travel to turkey

00:22:55

turkey and

00:22:59

I'm sometimes you said that but I change

00:23:02

it yeah yeah yeah okay and uh she was

00:23:06

the packing and trip like Istanbul

00:23:09

galipoli kadakia oos kind of like this

00:23:12

and then they come to early Denis F here

00:23:14

some holiday spot in FTI here and I was

00:23:17

working in the boat like a second

00:23:20

captain charge hands off to the old Bots

00:23:24

pretty much managing everything's in the

00:23:25

BS too and also entertainment I was

00:23:28

doing I think I attracted her she

00:23:32

attracted me and then both side and then

00:23:34

having chat lots of times and then she

00:23:38

asked me where she can go at night time

00:23:40

to the bar for fun and then I give it to

00:23:45

the one of my friends bar name always I

00:23:47

go oh you can go this place

00:23:51

it's and then I went to the that night

00:23:54

is watching the football game first F

00:23:57

bikash derby match I was fanatic of the

00:23:59

bik dash fan and then I watch and then

00:24:02

afterwards I go to the bar oh someone

00:24:05

just waving me oh

00:24:08

hello and then I have my drink I was

00:24:11

drinking that time my beer and then she

00:24:14

was already starting drinking with her

00:24:16

friends and then oh hello how are you

00:24:18

and then we start nice yeah holiday

00:24:22

romance yeah and then yeah I went to

00:24:25

England one year later we married and

00:24:28

then uh I went to England with her and

00:24:32

then come back to Turkey 2002 and we

00:24:36

lived until 2009 she was working in

00:24:39

Ankara as a teacher in the embassy group

00:24:42

and then uh our sons born in

00:24:47

Ankara and then when they were three and

00:24:50

five years old we came to New

00:24:54

Zealand I traveled to New Zealand since

00:24:57

2001 so every year as a tourist also too

00:25:01

before 2009 so I was very familiar New

00:25:05

Zealand life and New Zealand people and

00:25:09

then I was thinking new zealanders very

00:25:11

friendly very welcoming and happy face

00:25:16

looking smiling every time say hello and

00:25:19

very relaxed

00:25:21

lifestyle and then beautiful scenics and

00:25:25

lots of nice uh beach around you know

00:25:28

know when Kary I was fall in love with

00:25:32

Kary beach in the

00:25:34

2002 and when we were in Nelson so when

00:25:39

my wife is asking to move to New Zealand

00:25:42

in 2009 I couldn't say

00:25:45

no one of the big reason is safe

00:25:49

country to we choose to settle life for

00:25:52

our kids and our grandkids because first

00:25:56

reason was safe country second reason

00:25:59

was uh good

00:26:01

educations and also you know good

00:26:03

lifestyle and uh good opportunities for

00:26:07

uh me for my kids outdoor sports and the

00:26:12

lots of sports opportunities to because

00:26:14

new zealanders I saw that time they are

00:26:17

very supportive country and then they

00:26:19

have lots of

00:26:20

successful uh in Olympics I was keep eye

00:26:24

and watch them you know they did better

00:26:26

than you know 5 million pop is better

00:26:29

than 85 million population of Turkey to

00:26:32

what success in the Olympic so I was

00:26:35

always you know uh thinking you know

00:26:37

it's good opportunity for the sports for

00:26:40

the kids too how how um just going back

00:26:42

to um those first trips to New Zealand

00:26:45

like in the in the early 2000s um how

00:26:47

was that traveling as a Muslim at that

00:26:49

time CU that's around the time of the um

00:26:52

the 91 tourist attacks terrorist attacks

00:26:55

in the US and I feel like um every every

00:26:59

Muslim was sort of put under a

00:27:00

microscope at that point because of the

00:27:02

Bush government yes yes I did a really

00:27:04

hard time yeah when I get first uh visa

00:27:08

to go new uh England MH they refuseed me

00:27:11

twice and third time they give me and I

00:27:14

get already refused to go to Australia

00:27:17

too my brother's living there but I

00:27:20

can't visit him because of you know pre

00:27:22

judging to Muslim country or

00:27:26

turkey they did prejudging pretty much

00:27:29

they don't believe it you know I have a

00:27:31

money I have a business I have a house

00:27:33

everything I have but I'm I can't go as

00:27:36

a tourist anyway um the New Zealand is

00:27:40

pretty much is was easy because of they

00:27:43

seeing

00:27:44

us uh we married I've been in England

00:27:49

and then we live together in turkey and

00:27:51

we have some money in the account and

00:27:54

then uh I am coming to New Zealand with

00:27:57

my wife to meet with the her parents and

00:28:01

family members and it was uh all

00:28:05

paperworks completed and then we get it

00:28:08

but we of course we waiting few months

00:28:11

to the for respond you know for

00:28:14

result yeah after that you know easier

00:28:17

and easier because we did Regular easy

00:28:19

every year in around Christmas time and

00:28:23

New Year time so that was make every

00:28:26

year easier and easier and and quicker

00:28:28

and quicker yeah so immigrations like oh

00:28:31

yeah we we can trust this guy now yeah

00:28:34

yeah pretty much yeah pretty much um in

00:28:36

terms of of um like racism or any like

00:28:39

anti-muslim stuff in New Zealand um pre

00:28:42

2019 did you experience anything um yeah

00:28:46

pretty much you know when the people

00:28:48

seeing you and they looking when you are

00:28:51

brown skin or olive skin you know they

00:28:55

looking something very strange you know

00:28:58

where you from and when they find out

00:29:01

I'm Turkish you know for example when I

00:29:03

was uh working in painting company one

00:29:06

of the uh colleague he new

00:29:11

zealanders and he's he knows I'm from

00:29:14

turkey and he knows I'm Muslim on that

00:29:17

time you know

00:29:19

also uh all around the world they

00:29:22

experienced with the 9/11 also you know

00:29:25

the uh Syria war and is happening you

00:29:29

know and then he's joking like oh

00:29:33

allahar boom you know kind of like this

00:29:36

he was thinking he is funny and he's

00:29:38

joking to me but he's uh I feel very

00:29:42

offensive offensive so I wasn't like

00:29:45

even that you know I inform him he

00:29:48

doesn't I don't like it but he's keep

00:29:50

doing on the end you know look why I

00:29:53

kill myself you know I'm not stupid like

00:29:56

that persons or people

00:29:58

I'm not a terrorist if I want to kill

00:30:01

you I'm not kill myself I kill you you

00:30:04

know I'm killing myself you know please

00:30:07

stop that stupid joke you know I don't

00:30:09

like it you know and then oh okay you

00:30:12

know he understand you know why I'm

00:30:15

killing myself I kill you and then

00:30:17

problem solved isn't it because your

00:30:20

your perspective you know if there you

00:30:23

know someone's died why I'm died you

00:30:26

died you know do it make sense I oh okay

00:30:30

yes and then he stop it afterwards yeah

00:30:32

oh that's good yeah yeah but we come

00:30:34

become a good friends later on we

00:30:37

drink after works every get through that

00:30:41

um yeah he probably meant it just as

00:30:43

what we call a new like b or just having

00:30:45

having a laugh he's thinking it's funny

00:30:48

but of course he's understand after we

00:30:50

little argue but he understand it and he

00:30:52

show respect yeah geez you um oh it just

00:30:57

occurred to me that the time you timed

00:30:58

it badly so you you moved to New Zealand

00:31:00

in 2009 and then the earthquakes are oh

00:31:02

yeah that's another bad experience in

00:31:05

New Zealand were you like saying to your

00:31:07

wife let's move back to

00:31:10

TOA let's get out of here yeah but my

00:31:12

country also the earthquake places too

00:31:14

you know and then uh that's the mother

00:31:18

uh Nature's made it yes yeah so you can

00:31:22

handle it easy when it's become natural

00:31:24

disaster isn't it so you can

00:31:28

uh become very quickly back to normal

00:31:31

life yes it was very difficult very

00:31:33

scary worrying about the children's life

00:31:36

Etc you know I can't imagine how it was

00:31:39

scary but um it's not personal though

00:31:42

not personal not man-made so that's the

00:31:45

different trauma and

00:31:47

different uh yeah I'm so feel sorry for

00:31:51

the you know parents to lost their

00:31:55

children in the CCTV buildings you know

00:31:59

the students and I watch you know

00:32:01

Tina the mother new movies is coming mhm

00:32:06

uh it's about to the earthquake ER in

00:32:09

Christ Church the mother lost daughters

00:32:12

and then afterwards is this the samon

00:32:16

mother and then she's the I think is the

00:32:21

uh music teacher oh okay that's really

00:32:24

good movie I should recommend everyone

00:32:26

to watch that and showing today how was

00:32:29

the uh earthquake happen and traumatize

00:32:32

the people and afterwards how they you

00:32:35

know become okay what's it called Tina

00:32:37

Tina okay t i n a yeah okay yeah so that

00:32:42

um she your boys have been through a lot

00:32:45

so they would have been five and three

00:32:47

during the earthquakes I think it's

00:32:49

turned four and six yeah how was that

00:32:52

for them being a oh it was very scary

00:32:54

for them and then uh they were every

00:32:57

every time when it's earthquake happened

00:33:00

they scared and start tears and crying

00:33:04

and then especially young one Sam is

00:33:07

very affected from it you know and

00:33:09

scared lots and uh in they learned uh in

00:33:16

kindergartens you know uh drop hide hold

00:33:21

you know he's practicing all the time

00:33:23

and when earthquake happen he's very

00:33:25

quickly get under the table hold to the

00:33:29

table's legs and then calling Mom Dad

00:33:33

come down it's it's it's terrible to to

00:33:36

look back and think that for for a lot

00:33:37

of kids that was that became their new

00:33:39

normal you know stop drop and roll or

00:33:41

whatever so yeah so you you so you're

00:33:43

working as a painter in Christ church

00:33:45

and then um you helped with the the

00:33:46

rebuild after the earthquakes and then

00:33:48

um in 2018 you open a kebab shop in the

00:33:51

in the hoists city center yes next to

00:33:53

the bus Exchange building yeah it is

00:33:56

right in the center

00:33:58

yeah and then uh it was new building and

00:34:02

top floor is Cinema entertainment HS

00:34:06

buildings and then first ground floor is

00:34:10

the foot Court built and we were one of

00:34:13

that uh uh restaurants because they do

00:34:18

pretty much is a different nationalities

00:34:21

different cultures Foods so we were one

00:34:25

of them so that's you and your business

00:34:27

partner km kasum kasum yeah yeah yeah

00:34:30

yeah and um yeah so March Friday March

00:34:34

15

00:34:35

2019 he was working and you weren't

00:34:37

working that day yeah Friday it was uh

00:34:41

my day off and because I do day of

00:34:44

Friday and Saturday Friday for do my

00:34:48

worshiping and Friday praying Saturday

00:34:52

for football M and

00:34:55

rest and then of course is um uh he was

00:35:00

working five days I was working five

00:35:03

days but we choose different days of the

00:35:07

uh day off of works so we always be on

00:35:14

the uh job to because I the one of the

00:35:18

main main to managing the business so

00:35:22

pretty much always we need to be run to

00:35:26

Kitchen also same time yes to prepare

00:35:28

the old

00:35:30

kebabs and ready for the day and next

00:35:34

day so

00:35:36

Friday uh was my uh main day off for

00:35:42

worshipping yes so yeah let's R run

00:35:45

through that day so yeah the morning of

00:35:48

um yeah Friday March 15 2019 yeah what

00:35:51

happened you you wake up you wake up

00:35:54

when yeah

00:35:56

I I get up like

00:36:00

10:00 because Thursday night I went to

00:36:03

bed late like 2:00

00:36:05

3:00 and

00:36:07

then on that day

00:36:10

Elish I had

00:36:13

a acupuncture session because of two

00:36:18

years before that uh uh 200 19 March 15

00:36:23

I had ACL liament replacement surgery so

00:36:27

the venturous fixing my scars

00:36:30

in uh Pains of my

00:36:34

knees

00:36:36

and I went to the my acupuncture session

00:36:41

it was the last

00:36:42

session and it's beautiful very sunny

00:36:46

day and I was wake up very happy and

00:36:50

very rest rested normally you

00:36:53

know you I get up tired but on that day

00:36:57

I was was very feel

00:36:59

rest and then I went to do my

00:37:03

acupuncturist beautiful nice oh I said

00:37:06

oh very nice very warm day for day off

00:37:09

and then because I was thinking also

00:37:13

after the

00:37:14

mosque uh praying go to do my banking

00:37:18

cash uh you know the put in the cash the

00:37:22

bank and then go to the beach to walk

00:37:26

because beautiful dat for a walk and

00:37:30

then after sessions happen about

00:37:35

uh I think it's 521 I start driving to

00:37:39

the mosque from Columbus Street today

00:37:43

and then I arrived to the mosque

00:37:46

115 and I went to uh obligation W place

00:37:51

to take

00:37:52

obligation prepare myself that means

00:37:55

you're cleaning yourself before the pray

00:37:58

okay I did that and then I went to the

00:38:02

main

00:38:02

hall and then I did my uh uh I hear the

00:38:09

prayer call same time this happened and

00:38:12

then I did first part of my uh

00:38:14

worshiping praying and waiting the

00:38:19

uh Imam to coming for the his Friday

00:38:24

speech so yeah this is the um the elor

00:38:27

and rickon how how many times do you

00:38:29

think you'd been there before March 15

00:38:32

2019 like 100 times yeah yeah few

00:38:36

hundred times bro every Friday you know

00:38:38

many years I go there so how many people

00:38:41

normally go there on a Friday or when

00:38:44

it's packed is like 500 600 people can

00:38:47

be easy M

00:38:51

mhm and how how many people were there

00:38:53

at that time sort of you know 1:30ish on

00:38:56

the Friday oh

00:38:58

half full maybe few hundred P few

00:39:01

hundred peoples 300s yeah and then um

00:39:06

it's yeah 1:40 p.m. is when um

00:39:09

everything breaks you know Hell Breaks

00:39:11

Loose basically

00:39:13

um yeah yeah what are your Recollections

00:39:16

of of that when it begins what are you

00:39:18

thinking when it

00:39:20

starts yeah I I was very uh happy and

00:39:23

peaceful I said you know for the day I

00:39:26

never think thinking something can go

00:39:29

wrong and when I look at the time it was

00:39:34

1:37 the imam's coming and go up the

00:39:37

mimba to make

00:39:39

speech and I look at time and I see

00:39:42

the uh little boy is having good time

00:39:47

with his father's cuddling and kissing

00:39:50

and I looking everyone's preparing the

00:39:53

for self the listening the speech Friday

00:39:56

speech and then

00:39:59

beginning uh the Imam start the speech

00:40:02

to be and then beginning of the his

00:40:04

speech is Big Bang sound is come it was

00:40:08

you know

00:40:10

140 and you know

00:40:13

outside and I was thinking like a car

00:40:17

racing boys is driving and then

00:40:23

exhaust backfire yeah us to call

00:40:25

backfire happening and and when is

00:40:27

happened second time I said oh all right

00:40:29

a few cars passing and third one is

00:40:31

happen and then when this sound is

00:40:34

closer I was thinking oh that's very

00:40:36

loud I think maybe not the car maybe the

00:40:39

uh

00:40:41

electricity nearby the mosque is

00:40:44

exploding and

00:40:46

then another shoots happening when I was

00:40:50

turning the I see this black wearing

00:40:54

helmets and uh black with you know

00:40:59

jackets and black drw like army military

00:41:03

type of the wearing and see the persons

00:41:06

he killed front of

00:41:09

the uh entry side and then he prepared

00:41:13

his gun

00:41:15

semi-automatic and then I was thinking

00:41:18

oh what's this policeman's doing here I

00:41:20

was still thinking why he's you know

00:41:23

preparing his oh maybe someone's

00:41:26

attacking the mosque he's maybe there

00:41:28

for saving us but when he's Target

00:41:31

inside the mosque then I understand

00:41:35

it's problem here big

00:41:38

problem and then I see the smoke and

00:41:41

then I feel the first bullet in my mouth

00:41:43

and then he was serial shooting so I see

00:41:46

the many people who around me in front

00:41:49

of me is also killed same time

00:41:53

too so you sort of made eye contact I

00:41:56

saw him you know his face before he's

00:41:59

shooting he looked at inside first when

00:42:01

he's lift up I see his eyes and face

00:42:06

straight I'm sure he's seeing me too M

00:42:09

but I I see his eyes and he's looking

00:42:12

inside before he's shooting mhm and and

00:42:17

and before you not you get shot in the

00:42:18

in the mouth yeah yeah um is it is it

00:42:23

painful or are you just in shocked are

00:42:25

you just bewildered I didn't feel any

00:42:28

pain just something is very strange

00:42:31

feeling entered in your mouth but I know

00:42:34

it's

00:42:35

bullet but it's didn't hurt but I was

00:42:39

shocked of course because I'm hit

00:42:41

already and it's put me in

00:42:43

shock when I was standing up he start

00:42:47

he's carry on to this serial shooting so

00:42:51

I see the uh two more bullets entered

00:42:54

the one of my each knees

00:42:57

and then I was thinking oh that's the

00:43:00

bullet of the entering the body and oh

00:43:03

that's not

00:43:04

hurting that's my thought you know

00:43:07

because of shock and I see they all

00:43:11

still The People's Front of Me on me is

00:43:13

falling down to

00:43:15

ground after they get shot and

00:43:19

then on that moment you know I see all

00:43:24

the bodies who die is come the sprit out

00:43:30

and go in the roof of the mosque where I

00:43:34

was in the main hole is uh how do you

00:43:38

mean you know I feel I see the you know

00:43:41

like a third eye is opened and you see

00:43:44

the

00:43:45

bodies spir spirits come out and I see

00:43:50

myself around the big bubble and then

00:43:53

very speech R and then I was thinking

00:43:56

I'm

00:43:57

saved something you know it's Miracle

00:44:00

you know I'm

00:44:02

saved like with Angel you know Angels

00:44:05

around me and they are saving me from

00:44:07

the bullets and I don't have any bullets

00:44:10

in my body straight on that serial

00:44:14

shooting but I see the many people just

00:44:17

dying around me but I'm still standing

00:44:21

and looking at them and I see that their

00:44:23

sprits come out and then like lightning

00:44:26

is going out so that was so different

00:44:30

experience for me I never forget that

00:44:32

what I see and then in Islam we

00:44:35

believe the

00:44:37

angel and also you know AEL will call

00:44:41

the Angels taking the

00:44:44

life it was there but it's

00:44:47

different uh object it's not I see him

00:44:52

but different way I see is as a like a

00:44:55

light like traffic light I see

00:44:58

triangles uh red uh green and blue all

00:45:03

spirit is going up that light and then

00:45:05

travel to the Heaven by

00:45:08

lightning but you know and then of

00:45:11

course it is all this happened in few

00:45:13

seconds you know it sounds like a long

00:45:16

time but this is all happened in the few

00:45:18

seconds and then I see the next uh to me

00:45:22

the person I didn't see I see as a

00:45:25

shadow run into the terrorist because

00:45:28

he's already come next to the main

00:45:31

room's

00:45:33

door and he's jump over the terrorist

00:45:36

and then I was coming myself out of the

00:45:40

shock and then run away to to run to the

00:45:44

exit

00:45:45

door but of course the terrorist is

00:45:50

killed

00:45:51

that's uh hero I call uh because of he

00:45:56

died for for saving our

00:45:58

life and then yeah I managed to run

00:46:03

otherwise if I still maybe stood stood

00:46:06

there you know standing he's come and

00:46:09

I'm easy target for him still if I

00:46:11

standing also so you were still standing

00:46:14

so you'd been you've been shot in the

00:46:16

mouth and shot in the legs and you're

00:46:18

still standing yeah yeah I was standing

00:46:21

until you know that uh person's jump to

00:46:26

Terror terorist tried stopping him but

00:46:30

this this all happened like a you know

00:46:32

few seconds few seconds like this you

00:46:34

know it's very quickly happened and then

00:46:37

I ran my way to the emergency exit

00:46:41

part door and it is like 105 of us there

00:46:46

pushing the door to try to be exit but

00:46:49

door is jammed and no one's managed to

00:46:51

get out and big Bank sounds is coming

00:46:55

and then terrorist coming and start

00:46:58

shooting to our

00:47:00

area and every once is dropped down and

00:47:04

I was lying

00:47:06

down and someone's already injured lying

00:47:09

down there and then I was listening he's

00:47:13

dying because I was lying on front of

00:47:16

him and then one of the old men

00:47:21

is get shot I don't know because he's

00:47:24

shooting cereal and I don't know how

00:47:27

many he gets shot but he's doesn't move

00:47:30

and then I manage to pull him a little

00:47:33

bit up of above my

00:47:35

head you know with my right hands

00:47:38

because of uh I don't know how but I

00:47:41

pull up and then hided my head under him

00:47:45

so like a shield yeah yeah yeah but he

00:47:48

doesn't move you know on that time and

00:47:53

then of course everyone's top of each

00:47:54

other's you know lying like a

00:47:57

you know I don't know fish or pillows

00:48:00

you know you put it on 10 15 pillows top

00:48:03

of each others like that we the whole

00:48:06

pile of people lying down

00:48:08

there

00:48:11

and yeah I I just can't imagine the um

00:48:14

like the chaos and the pandemonium so

00:48:16

you've got the you you've got the um the

00:48:19

sound of the gun going off um yeah um

00:48:22

and is are people screaming are they

00:48:24

praying what a BS you know people

00:48:27

because of

00:48:29

scream and

00:48:31

praying and you know the Imam was doing

00:48:35

his speech and then speaker was

00:48:38

on and it wasn't turned off on that time

00:48:41

and speaker is on the

00:48:43

ground every time he's shooting is

00:48:46

louder and louder and louder you know

00:48:48

because every

00:48:49

speaker working on that time when he's

00:48:52

shooting

00:48:54

is much more loud than normal shooting

00:48:59

so I can never forget that yeah I can

00:49:02

never forget that sound in everywhere is

00:49:05

you know gun powder smokes too and

00:49:11

people's is uh slowly slowly

00:49:15

coming you know lifeless and because

00:49:18

it's getting quieter and quieter above

00:49:21

me to people's to dying and his second

00:49:24

turn is come back again

00:49:27

he's

00:49:28

loading his magazines

00:49:31

and uh the guns and he's starting again

00:49:36

his second turns

00:49:38

come uh I

00:49:40

get four more bullets in the first time

00:49:44

I have five

00:49:46

bullets and then uh second turn I get uh

00:49:50

four bullets which is

00:49:52

on uh

00:49:54

up uh tie

00:49:57

and three more arms so yeah and and he

00:50:01

was very close to shooting is the I see

00:50:05

the footage you know GoPro footage and

00:50:08

CCTV he was maybe half half a meters

00:50:12

away he was just stand top of me to

00:50:14

shooting

00:50:15

me serial shooting and then he's Target

00:50:19

everybody's you

00:50:21

know uh pet shooting to he wants to be

00:50:24

sure everyone's died you know when he's

00:50:28

shooting this is when like you're on the

00:50:31

on the ground as part as part of like a

00:50:32

mountain of of bodies yeah so he's he's

00:50:35

shooting people in the head at at close

00:50:36

range yeah yeah pretty much because he

00:50:39

wants to make sure much as people's

00:50:42

killed you know he targeted more you

00:50:46

know people you know if you are injured

00:50:49

and you are moving he's coming and

00:50:50

killed you that's horrific like yeah M

00:50:54

and and I was waiting my turn to die

00:50:56

died but my life is spared so I was

00:51:00

praying a lot as I said you know I was

00:51:04

only thinking my children's nothing else

00:51:07

on that time yeah what what yeah again

00:51:11

you said before it happened like very

00:51:13

very very quickly but in in the moments

00:51:16

where you had time to pause and think

00:51:18

about what was going on what was going

00:51:20

through your mind was it just your

00:51:21

children or were you praying to Allah

00:51:23

but you know I was praying if I'm dying

00:51:26

here please forgive to my past and

00:51:29

please accept me in your heaven but if I

00:51:33

am spared my life you know save my life

00:51:37

and spare my life for my childrens

00:51:40

because I don't want they grow up

00:51:42

without father as like I

00:51:46

did that was my pray

00:51:49

MH but I was on the edge you know I was

00:51:54

very clo you know m

00:51:57

1% chance to live I made

00:52:02

it you here for a reason I

00:52:05

[Music]

00:52:06

yes so so that that last lot of shots

00:52:09

where where you're getting shot in the

00:52:10

arms like are you sort of are you sort

00:52:12

of pretending to be dead at this point

00:52:14

of course you know when you lie down you

00:52:17

don't move when you move you die because

00:52:20

he shooting every person who

00:52:22

moved because I think he was strategy in

00:52:26

injured as much as you can and then come

00:52:30

back second shoot and then kill them One

00:52:32

By One MH and then I was pretending you

00:52:37

know lie down like a

00:52:40

dead but of course

00:52:44

he's you

00:52:45

know his hate is you know he's vted his

00:52:50

hate everywhere so so you're not making

00:52:53

any noise you're just you're just lying

00:52:55

there as silently you can yeah yeah when

00:52:58

he's shoot me uh I didn't even move can

00:53:01

you imagine four bullets entering your

00:53:03

body in one time because he did serly

00:53:07

shooting and then I didn't

00:53:10

move just in survival mode yeah

00:53:13

[Music]

00:53:17

mhm I know this is not easy to hear that

00:53:21

but you never wish today you you you are

00:53:26

struggling to hear this but I saw all

00:53:29

that and imagine my

00:53:33

circumstances well I can't imagine that

00:53:35

I know you will be probably traumatized

00:53:37

soon now but imagine

00:53:40

us we are firsthand uh

00:53:43

witnessed yeah cuz hearing hearing you

00:53:46

you describe your first person account

00:53:48

as one thing but actually being there

00:53:49

and seeing it with your own eyes is a

00:53:51

different thing together and you can

00:53:54

understand in the wars for example in

00:53:56

daaz can you imagine how many peop how

00:54:00

many peoples millions of millions

00:54:02

traumatized here can you imagine the

00:54:04

little childrens can you imagine the

00:54:07

Syria or Iraq

00:54:10

Afghanistan why all happened in Islamic

00:54:13

countries like these disasters you know

00:54:16

manmade where is this hate is come from

00:54:18

[Music]

00:54:21

MH and you know sorry it's going to be

00:54:23

politics but Trump wants the by the Gaza

00:54:27

to make a

00:54:29

holiday he wants to build the happiness

00:54:32

on the blood in

00:54:34

Gaza it's not

00:54:41

fair so um where you were you were

00:54:45

explaining this to me before we went to

00:54:47

the studio so it was mainly men cuz the

00:54:49

the women had a separate area in the

00:54:51

mosque yes yes is on the they have a

00:54:54

special room some some um

00:54:57

this is this was genius by so most of

00:54:59

most of the women got out okay yeah yeah

00:55:02

but uh some of them killed because of

00:55:06

they are out of the room to helping the

00:55:09

injured people mainly on the second turn

00:55:11

he did Kill the woman to who they come

00:55:14

from the room to help the injured people

00:55:18

yeah so yes so so when the women became

00:55:21

aware of um what was going on and they

00:55:23

heard the gunshots they had the the

00:55:25

sense to barricade themselves in the

00:55:27

area yeah this is he's tried to be

00:55:30

pushing the

00:55:31

door but uh they luckily managed to

00:55:36

do uh something put behind the door and

00:55:40

holding somebody's and

00:55:42

then he couldn't get in and he didn't

00:55:44

want to waste his time so he sced to the

00:55:47

other rooms

00:55:48

M thanks God you know the woman's is

00:55:51

very brave to the holding the door

00:55:53

behind yeah M he she saved loss of life

00:55:57

there too I don't know who did it I hear

00:56:00

the

00:56:01

story but I don't know who did it but

00:56:03

she's very she's also hero too didn't

00:56:06

let the terrorist get

00:56:09

in I think there's so many Heroes that

00:56:11

day yeah so so so you're lying down on

00:56:15

the ground um

00:56:17

we I I'm I'm guessing eventually the The

00:56:20

Gunshot stops and then when when do you

00:56:22

realize it's you're going to be okay to

00:56:24

move and to oh was uh waiting I don't

00:56:27

know it was that time is like Infinity

00:56:31

time but I waiting too long because I

00:56:36

wasn't sure he's still there or gone

00:56:38

because I was thinking first time when

00:56:42

the gunshots slowly slowly is going away

00:56:45

from you I was thinking he finished and

00:56:48

he's gone but when you hear it he's come

00:56:50

back I said no not again you know and

00:56:53

after he's gone again I wasn't sure

00:56:56

maybe he's doing his you know second

00:56:58

turn turn to come back and I was decided

00:57:01

to stay a little bit longer as much I

00:57:04

can and then when I start hearing the

00:57:07

the peoples coming and then

00:57:09

helping I said okay I'm probably time to

00:57:14

get out too ask help and then while I

00:57:17

was

00:57:18

waiting you know P coming and helping

00:57:22

the the injured PES but I was asking the

00:57:24

help same time too you when when The

00:57:27

Gunshot stop what what what noise can

00:57:30

you hear your ears must be ringing from

00:57:33

uh yeah it's very loud you know and then

00:57:37

boom very

00:57:39

quiet just people moaning or no it's

00:57:43

like you know you only hear in the sound

00:57:47

of people's dying actually first because

00:57:51

of everyone's away

00:57:54

hiding few minutes is you know very

00:57:57

quiet only you hear the the people's

00:57:59

begging help MH or praying in preparing

00:58:04

this last

00:58:06

pray to before foro you hear only

00:58:10

that you know few minutes is like a

00:58:13

moment Silence of

00:58:15

death You Know M do it make sense you

00:58:19

understand what I mean yeah yeah 100% uh

00:58:22

you know because of uh the words is not

00:58:25

enough to explain

00:58:26

the

00:58:27

moment I can't describe in words

00:58:33

yeah who are the first people on the

00:58:36

scene to come and come and yeah rescue

00:58:38

the survivors as a

00:58:40

placee

00:58:42

um the people is come who's uh who did

00:58:45

hide it and run away first get into the

00:58:47

mosque okay other Muslims yes other

00:58:49

Muslim brothers and sisters and then I

00:58:53

hear that the police coming m they're

00:58:56

calling like a checked safe checked safe

00:59:00

you know and then I was asking help

00:59:04

sometimes uh as I said to you before too

00:59:07

you know I was thinking two people's

00:59:09

help me first but when I look at on the

00:59:13

GoPro CCTV footage actually I was myself

00:59:18

stand up

00:59:20

walk and then walk all the way to the

00:59:23

corridors about around to the that body

00:59:26

is and then asking and begging the help

00:59:30

actually it is quite another miracle if

00:59:33

I stayed because of the after

00:59:37

police checked all around they stop

00:59:40

about seven or 8

00:59:42

minutes anybody's getting and get out M

00:59:46

so if I didn't get out uh and if I stay

00:59:50

if I make decision to stay in the mosque

00:59:53

probably I'm the 52nd person to

00:59:56

because of loss of

00:59:59

Bloods uh you know losing the loss of

01:00:02

Bloods on that time

01:00:06

too yes so so when you when you get up

01:00:09

from after playing dead and you're

01:00:11

you're walking back through the m to the

01:00:14

exit are are you like are you shocked by

01:00:18

what you see or are you just in selfs

01:00:19

survival self-preservation mode just

01:00:22

thinking about you don't hear noce from

01:00:24

outside

01:00:26

because of the bullet entrance is very

01:00:30

small you know when I said people I get

01:00:34

injured from my mouths they don't

01:00:37

realize how the bullet entry is small

01:00:40

here next to my lips they couldn't

01:00:43

believe it MH I get shot in my mouth but

01:00:47

they seeing in x-ray you know doctors m

01:00:51

not in first day second day they see so

01:00:56

when I uh get the bullets on my

01:00:59

legs yes you can see the hole but you

01:01:02

can't see the because of I have a long

01:01:05

sleeves jacket and then and then jeans

01:01:09

you know you can see the hole but you

01:01:12

don't see the uh

01:01:14

damage because of the materials covered

01:01:18

above your skin so people's thinking

01:01:21

you're not injured or badly injured kind

01:01:24

of like this too yeah yeah because until

01:01:26

you saw a mirror I guess you thought

01:01:28

your your face had been like severely

01:01:31

damaged yeah because um in Turkey when

01:01:35

you are 20 years old man you go to Army

01:01:40

because compulsory and you have the

01:01:43

service for your country and I did 18

01:01:47

months and I had ex um I learned how the

01:01:51

bullets damaged the body and our

01:01:56

uh I know the bullets entered very small

01:01:59

but when they are get out exit the body

01:02:03

they are exploding M so they damage when

01:02:07

they get out not entering when they get

01:02:10

out the body they damage to your body

01:02:12

and I was

01:02:14

thinking oh God I lost my half of the

01:02:17

face M that's what I was thinking yeah

01:02:22

when I feel the bullets in my mind

01:02:27

when did you when did you realize You'

01:02:28

survived was it when you walked out of

01:02:30

the mosque and saw yeah the emergency

01:02:32

services or did you still think that you

01:02:35

might slip away at that

01:02:38

point

01:02:42

um you remember I said you know the uh

01:02:47

few minutes was dead silence

01:02:51

M I was confused on that time am I

01:02:54

survived or

01:02:57

died and waiting and waiting like that

01:03:01

time is

01:03:03

infinity and then I feel you

01:03:07

know and then no I am not died I'm still

01:03:14

alive I need to move you know I

01:03:17

understand on that time when I try to

01:03:18

get out to

01:03:20

the uh people who are above

01:03:23

me and then when I was

01:03:27

sitting I confused again because when I

01:03:32

looking all myself what's

01:03:36

happened I feel yes I survived I

01:03:40

understand I am survived but when I sit

01:03:42

when I see the peoples above me you know

01:03:45

because they are next to me MH and I see

01:03:48

the all around everywhere is his dead

01:03:51

body and then I get in the shock again

01:03:56

very quickly and then oh my God what's

01:03:58

happened to me that was the question I

01:04:01

[Music]

01:04:03

remember and while you on the ground

01:04:05

were you were you holding another

01:04:06

another worshipper

01:04:07

hand no but it's is you know uh I was

01:04:11

you know s side line and then

01:04:13

positioning like this keep my hands like

01:04:16

that but I was front of the other person

01:04:19

who was behind me he sad is not healthy

01:04:24

so he was dying M you know so and so I

01:04:29

don't want to be show The Sounds here

01:04:31

you know I don't want to be copied the

01:04:33

sounds but it's terrible to sounds to

01:04:35

listen it oh like blood in the lungs or

01:04:38

something yeah horror sounds you know

01:04:43

yeah not easy you can never yeah no I'm

01:04:46

so sorry man yeah I can't forget that

01:04:48

moments you know and

01:04:51

smells you

01:04:53

know oh

01:04:57

maybe P doesn't like to hear that but

01:05:01

feeling all that body's Bloods and

01:05:03

brains all over your covered because few

01:05:08

people's you know above me is they shot

01:05:12

with this head and then all this part is

01:05:16

licking all people's

01:05:19

under them you know it's not easy I can

01:05:23

never forget that smell of Bloods dead

01:05:28

bodies that gun powder smell you

01:05:32

know it's not

01:05:37

easy um you mentioned

01:05:40

before 137 while you were waiting um

01:05:44

before the government arrived you you

01:05:45

mentioned um a dad like playing with his

01:05:48

child yeah three years old boy who

01:05:51

killed on that day too

01:05:55

can you imagine that 5 minutes ago

01:05:59

little boy is very

01:06:01

live loving his fathers and giving hug

01:06:04

and

01:06:07

kissing it's not

01:06:10

easy and I saw him on the next to me

01:06:13

when I was

01:06:15

waiting and on his father's lap you know

01:06:18

he died and his eyes open and I forget

01:06:21

my own

01:06:23

pain how can someone do

01:06:26

that yeah it's a monster isn't

01:06:29

he he's only 3 years

01:06:36

old yeah never

01:06:38

foret I mean if he was around that'd

01:06:41

still only be

01:06:44

nine oh man

01:06:55

that's why I'm going next week Friday to

01:06:58

pray for

01:07:07

it can we stop please yeah of

01:07:11

course of course

01:07:26

this my kids you know M I can't

01:07:33

imagine I saw the other teenagers

01:07:38

too it's very bad m

01:07:59

I'm so sorry

01:08:03

mate it's going to hunt me all my

01:08:13

life I think given it's only six years I

01:08:15

think you're doing remarkably well

01:08:18

everything you've experienced personally

01:08:21

and also the things you

01:08:22

saw yeah I think you should be really

01:08:25

proud of your yourself you've obviously

01:08:27

done a lot of work between then and

01:08:29

now yeah

01:08:31

yeah yeah and I know it's going to be

01:08:33

ongoing for a long time as

01:08:37

well yeah

01:08:40

yeah but I know that little boy in

01:08:43

heaven and he's happy

01:08:44

[Music]

01:08:47

now how could How could a human do that

01:08:50

to another human it's just

01:08:53

unbelievable yeah M we can carry on okay

01:08:59

you're right yeah yeah sorry for being

01:09:02

emotional but you know not at all it's

01:09:05

so difficult for me let's see uh at the

01:09:08

completion of the podcast let's see

01:09:10

who's got the bigger the bigger amount

01:09:12

of tissues on the side of the desk yeah

01:09:15

because you've been um yeah we've been

01:09:16

hanging out all day today I picked you

01:09:17

up from the airport and we were talking

01:09:18

in the office and uh you were going

01:09:21

through some of this stuff quite sort of

01:09:23

mechanically and I suppose you've told

01:09:24

the story so many times it does get less

01:09:27

and less emotional but when you talk

01:09:28

about it in details I suppose it just

01:09:30

takes you back there um so thanks for

01:09:33

that I I I appreciate it because it's

01:09:35

been um it's been eye opening uh for me

01:09:38

today I I'd like to think I'm I'm you

01:09:41

well across current affairs and things

01:09:42

and I read a lot about what went on but

01:09:44

um a lot of the details been shocking

01:09:46

for me and I now it's going to be um you

01:09:49

know shocking uh for a lot of people

01:09:51

listening to this or watching this as

01:09:52

well but it's

01:09:53

um I think it's powerful for us new

01:09:56

zealanders to know what's going on yeah

01:09:58

we should get lesson from it and then

01:10:00

100% yeah

01:10:02

yeah okay so so you make it outside the

01:10:05

mosque um but by this stage the area is

01:10:07

contained with emergency service the

01:10:10

police are there policeman is uh blocked

01:10:13

to the old b side to the entry the you

01:10:16

know Dean have and they don't let any

01:10:19

car passing because of safety issue and

01:10:22

then yeah many cars is also there too

01:10:25

but

01:10:26

who hear to the news you know everyone's

01:10:30

run to the mosque because of the the

01:10:34

rest of the families of the worshippers

01:10:36

you know they all ran to the and and

01:10:39

lots of neighborhoods is coming to to

01:10:41

helping to Big crowds and ambulances uh

01:10:46

long distance to stop the way

01:10:50

goes and and then um when I get out to

01:10:55

the mosque uh some group of people try

01:11:00

to help

01:11:01

me and then they try to tunicate to my

01:11:04

arm to stopping the

01:11:07

blood they couldn't successful when I

01:11:09

asked them you know I want to go to

01:11:11

ambulance M and then uh they checking me

01:11:17

am I right to walk I said yeah I can

01:11:19

walk and then I just want to go

01:11:21

ambulance and then I walk to the

01:11:24

ambulance but you know

01:11:26

as I said you know they put me sit next

01:11:29

to ambulance and

01:11:32

then that little boy is coming with his

01:11:34

father's on his lap you know they make

01:11:37

sit and then paramedics say his dad you

01:11:41

know and then afterwards you know

01:11:44

paramedics when I feel starting pain and

01:11:48

then I was trying to be wake up to you

01:11:51

know not conscious unconscious and and

01:11:56

then I walk in the ambulance

01:12:00

myself people still thinking you know

01:12:03

I'm not bad injured you know because I

01:12:05

can walk and I can talk and I L in the

01:12:09

ambulance bed

01:12:11

myself and then I begging you look look

01:12:14

I'm getting worse and worse I don't feel

01:12:16

very well please take me to hospital I'm

01:12:21

going to be faint you know and then

01:12:25

you know from that uh place to public

01:12:29

hospital is only normal day less than 2

01:12:32

minutes to

01:12:34

driving but that time is like Infinity

01:12:37

for me and I keep trying to be awake and

01:12:40

then I was thinking you know I'm

01:12:43

dying because I'm losing my energy you

01:12:47

know because of losing the

01:12:50

Bloods anyway managed to the first uh

01:12:54

emergency room

01:12:56

and they took me into the very quickly

01:12:58

in the emergency

01:13:00

room and they running and I don't know

01:13:04

this is big numbers of the nurse and

01:13:06

doctors around me they talking one is to

01:13:09

be opening the

01:13:11

blood uh wa for you

01:13:15

know uh drips or medicines or I don't

01:13:19

know what they injecting me to my body

01:13:22

blood vessels opening so were you one of

01:13:25

the the first people to a hospital um no

01:13:28

I don't know actually I don't know

01:13:30

because many people's also drive with

01:13:32

their private you know to somebody's car

01:13:34

okay I'm not sure maybe one of the you

01:13:37

know probably I am the one of the be you

01:13:39

know first ambulance for people too yeah

01:13:44

and then uh I can hear that the big

01:13:47

crowds out there like a news you

01:13:51

know and then and but I was inside and

01:13:55

they checking my name and surname I told

01:13:57

them but I think they didn't understand

01:14:01

very well because of the I can't talk

01:14:03

properly and foreign names too you know

01:14:06

not easy topping or

01:14:09

telling and then they cut off the all my

01:14:13

clots

01:14:15

off and

01:14:18

then they are talking with me same time

01:14:22

they going to open the drainage on my LS

01:14:25

because of internal

01:14:27

bleeding they giving to this some I

01:14:29

don't know trips or whatever you know

01:14:31

they giving me information same times

01:14:33

and they try to get information from me

01:14:36

same times where I get shot where is the

01:14:38

bullets blah blah blah and then I try to

01:14:41

be answer it and give

01:14:44

information and then of course same

01:14:46

sometimes my uh emotion is going worse

01:14:49

and worse realize what's going on and

01:14:53

clearing and remembering and flesh

01:14:55

backing M the times again it's not long

01:14:58

time ago happened but it's like a

01:15:01

repeating again repeating again in my

01:15:03

brain and then I begging you know put me

01:15:06

in sleep I'm in

01:15:09

pain and then when they are shifting my

01:15:13

arms I see same sometimes my old Bloods

01:15:17

coming from my shoulders I show you the

01:15:19

pictures it's a big hole it's like a

01:15:23

waterfall and then they said they going

01:15:25

to give me katamine or something

01:15:29

medicinein ketamine yeah and then they

01:15:32

it's going to be put me in sleep and

01:15:34

then I will see different pattern and

01:15:38

then maybe see some animals you know and

01:15:42

then they injected me I starting to

01:15:44

seeing the very funny shapes and then

01:15:48

feel happy and then feel

01:15:52

painless and then

01:15:55

I said oh is this heaven I'm really

01:15:57

enjoyed I'm happy to come here you know

01:16:01

I feel very happy you told us before

01:16:04

they were like dancing smiling monkeys

01:16:06

on the roof laughing monkey yeah and

01:16:08

then I see you know they said you can

01:16:10

see some animals so I see the animals

01:16:12

yes and monkey and they are laughing at

01:16:16

me so it was

01:16:18

very happy I remember that time to the

01:16:22

sleep you know how how long you you may

01:16:24

not have an answer for this but how long

01:16:26

so the shooting was sort of 140ish to

01:16:29

say 145 when when did you finally get um

01:16:32

some pain relief drugs so like an hour

01:16:34

later no probably not that late but

01:16:38

maybe I can say 20 minutes something

01:16:40

like this because I lost time because I

01:16:44

can't uh uh what do you call uh suspect

01:16:49

what's the time M I can't understand

01:16:52

time you know I lost my time issues you

01:16:55

know but I think it's is take 20 minutes

01:16:59

something like this I don't know but I I

01:17:02

should have actually check and never

01:17:04

interested to learn I don't know what

01:17:06

time I entered it because they recorded

01:17:08

So they should know but yeah but so yes

01:17:12

so it's just at least 20 minutes 25

01:17:14

minutes I can say that yes that really

01:17:17

fast yeah probably 2:00 something like

01:17:19

this it's for 44 45 happened probably I

01:17:23

am in 2:00 m in emergency room yeah

01:17:27

and I I can't imagine how chaotic it was

01:17:31

in the hospital like that afternoon and

01:17:33

never experienced like this in history

01:17:36

yeah yeah hopefully never again um but

01:17:39

you are you are you able to like talk to

01:17:43

the staff and say you know you need to I

01:17:45

need to get hold of my boys or are you

01:17:47

not thinking

01:17:48

about are you just thinking about selfs

01:17:50

survival self-preservation at that point

01:17:52

or yeah I think it's much pretty much

01:17:54

because of I later on I find out lots of

01:17:57

people is recording himself and they

01:18:00

recording their last word if they die M

01:18:04

I never did like this I never everyone's

01:18:06

calling this families this I didn't do

01:18:08

that I don't know

01:18:10

why probably I was thinking only myself

01:18:13

mhm to go ambulance and go emergency

01:18:16

room yes first things first well you

01:18:18

can't make a call to say I'm okay until

01:18:20

you know you're okay yeah yeah so uh you

01:18:24

know I didn't record it you know but I

01:18:26

see the people's recording in the mosque

01:18:28

you

01:18:31

know so so when you get to hospital and

01:18:34

you start getting help are you do you

01:18:35

sort of like breathe a bit of a s relief

01:18:38

cuz at that point you think you think

01:18:40

I'm going to survive yeah yeah I was

01:18:42

because of um I was very worried I will

01:18:45

be I will die on the way in ambulance

01:18:49

through through blood loss yeah yeah

01:18:51

yeah but when I arrived there you know

01:18:55

um as I said to you my kids is

01:18:58

identified me at

01:19:00

midnight and then of

01:19:04

course um when I was in intensive carees

01:19:08

his nurse wake me up I was of course

01:19:10

sleep when he's identified but late

01:19:12

night I think they should wake me up to

01:19:15

check me and nurse is wake me

01:19:19

up I didn't know she's nurse you know on

01:19:23

that time but somebody is saying

01:19:26

beautiful voice said wake up wake up you

01:19:31

are safe you are safe you know I was

01:19:35

thinking that sounds you know I couldn't

01:19:37

open my eyes but it said like I was

01:19:40

thinking that sounds is come from Angel

01:19:43

so beautiful very soft sounds wake me up

01:19:47

and I find out that's the later on you

01:19:49

know when I come myself is Nurse mhm and

01:19:53

then I looked at myself you see on the

01:19:56

pictures you know I'm covered with the

01:19:58

metal things something full of covers

01:20:01

lots of cords cables all around me you

01:20:04

know and then what's happened to me

01:20:09

questioning and looking I try to be find

01:20:11

out what's

01:20:12

happened you know um because of the

01:20:15

medication I think is U just waking up

01:20:19

and find out and realize what's going on

01:20:21

around me m and then I remember and

01:20:25

flashbacks very quickly starting

01:20:28

happening and then I start

01:20:32

cry why this has happened to me why this

01:20:35

has happened to us MH what did I do that

01:20:39

person and harm me like this and put me

01:20:43

in this condition and I start

01:20:46

crying and

01:20:48

then nurses I think is because of I'm in

01:20:51

the what do you call um panicked you

01:20:55

know and refresh you

01:20:58

know living again the same time I think

01:21:02

and she put me sleep

01:21:04

again and then I don't know wake up

01:21:09

sometimes after but every time when they

01:21:13

wake me up you know I use Morphin quite

01:21:16

a lot so they put me sleep I think one

01:21:19

of the nurse said 10 days pretty much

01:21:22

they keep make me sleep m because I'm

01:21:25

using lots of morphins because of the

01:21:28

pain M so pretty much 10 days they use

01:21:31

the sleeping you know in hospital mainly

01:21:35

they were put me in sleep yeah yeah and

01:21:37

and when did you first see your your two

01:21:39

sons

01:21:41

again

01:21:42

on yeah second day second day they came

01:21:46

to intensive care I was so happy because

01:21:50

of uh after the separations you know we

01:21:54

had a little issue

01:21:56

about custody You Know M and then I

01:22:00

didn't see the my kids almost one year

01:22:04

plus

01:22:05

M and then when I open my eyes and then

01:22:11

I saw them next to

01:22:13

me and then I did joke if I knew you

01:22:17

guys coming I get shot before I as

01:22:20

somebody shoot me before you

01:22:23

know yeah that was the

01:22:26

joke I did how did how did that go down

01:22:30

did they appreciate it that's a good

01:22:32

sense of

01:22:33

humor only you can make that joke no

01:22:36

else can you imagine in you are in that

01:22:39

pain and circumstan is full of drugs and

01:22:42

you're thinking that joke

01:22:45

yeah yeah um

01:22:48

yeah yeah how long was it um like after

01:22:52

the shooting before you you smiled

01:22:54

laughed again uh like you made that joke

01:22:57

to your kids um but I suppose that was

01:23:00

through gritted teeth cuz you're in a

01:23:01

lot of lot of pain but yeah is there is

01:23:03

there a moment you can remember where

01:23:05

you you sort of smiled and laughed again

01:23:06

for the first time when I saw them yeah

01:23:08

when I saw them straight I make it laugh

01:23:10

yeah smile they make me happy as much

01:23:14

you know yeah I never remember how they

01:23:18

make me happy to come see me yeah you

01:23:21

were in the hospital for a long time I

01:23:23

like a month yeah a month what did that

01:23:25

month look like so you just recovering

01:23:27

for the first few days then just surgery

01:23:29

after surgery yeah yeah that's

01:23:32

uh the one of the my surgeons said to me

01:23:35

in first day I had already 10 surgery

01:23:40

so and then they put me another four or

01:23:43

five surgeries in second days another

01:23:45

four five you know it's pretty much is

01:23:47

uh in first week I think it say 20

01:23:52

something like this surgery happened

01:23:54

yeah so that first week you just you're

01:23:57

sleeping um you you're having surgery

01:24:00

yeah I suppose you're being um like drip

01:24:03

fed bits of information so you're sort

01:24:05

of piecing together you what what

01:24:08

happened in the mosque and you're

01:24:09

becoming aware of the gravity of of the

01:24:11

situation when day wake me up pretty

01:24:14

much is you know

01:24:16

uh I was thinking everyone is coming and

01:24:19

killing me Etc so pretty much you know I

01:24:22

can't handle with nures or people

01:24:24

visiting or something like this they

01:24:26

mainly put me in sleep because of my

01:24:29

circum tensions and then mostly you know

01:24:32

they wake me up before the surgeries

01:24:35

they giving information and then they

01:24:37

put me sleep again and then I go and

01:24:40

sleep you know mostly and then they put

01:24:42

me in surgeries you know cuz they have

01:24:45

to do that otherwise you know I I can't

01:24:47

survive so they pretty talk about they

01:24:52

may chop my you know amputate your arm

01:24:55

amputate my yeah amputate my

01:24:57

arm on second day you're learning and

01:25:01

then you know tomorrow we're going to

01:25:03

put you in the surgery but big risk

01:25:06

about you know if we don't want to take

01:25:09

risk if something is going wrong we will

01:25:11

amputate your arm and I said from where

01:25:15

from my wrist say no from my elbow no is

01:25:20

it going to be from my shoulder said we

01:25:22

have to because we can't save you

01:25:25

otherwise and

01:25:27

then um on third days the one of my

01:25:31

friends

01:25:32

brother-in-law he's the plastic surgeon

01:25:35

so he's coming early in the morning

01:25:37

before I get surgery and he's checked

01:25:40

too said don't worry we can save your

01:25:42

arm and then he did M yeah um yeah you

01:25:47

were telling me on the the car right

01:25:48

here so you've got 52% disability yeah

01:25:52

confirmed yeah from the health

01:25:54

my left arms is have a big nerve damage

01:26:00

and muscles damage and Bones damage and

01:26:03

blood vessels you know they have to make

01:26:05

Eclipse you know uh in time so yeah from

01:26:10

from my you know from the shoulder my

01:26:14

left

01:26:15

arm uh permanent uh pain m in pain and I

01:26:20

use permanent pain

01:26:22

reliefs and then of course is in time

01:26:26

you know the arthritis happen to the

01:26:29

because of using one is either side you

01:26:32

know because they do bonecraft on my

01:26:35

hips and you know surgeries all kind of

01:26:39

like this and then your Healthy part is

01:26:42

getting worse too yeah when you're using

01:26:44

over you

01:26:46

know yeah so it was three weeks after

01:26:49

the shooting that the the terrorist had

01:26:51

his first court appearance and um you

01:26:54

you went to court you were taken there

01:26:55

in a wheelchair yes why um yeah why was

01:26:59

that important for

01:27:01

you because I want to

01:27:04

show uh that

01:27:06

monster

01:27:09

to uh how we are strong and we are

01:27:13

united and we are unity even we are

01:27:16

badly

01:27:17

injured I can be

01:27:20

face that to him you know

01:27:24

so I want to make show him you

01:27:30

know was yeah we like like were you

01:27:33

scared were you

01:27:36

nervous no I wasn't scared I wasn't but

01:27:39

I was uh Angry on that time too because

01:27:45

of what he did I was very

01:27:50

angry you because he is not brave man to

01:27:53

be faced m one to one no he's a coward

01:27:57

yeah he's coward yeah he must have

01:27:59

looked feble on the sand like wak and

01:28:01

pathetic M yeah so that's why you know I

01:28:05

went doesn't matter you know and uh

01:28:10

afterwards you know I had a really very

01:28:12

high blood pressures from the

01:28:15

transferring hospital to court case you

01:28:17

know court house and then back to work

01:28:20

back to hospital you know it wasn't easy

01:28:23

m uh traveling for me so yeah so that

01:28:27

was yeah that was the first court

01:28:28

appearance 3 weeks after the the

01:28:29

shooting and then you back to hospital

01:28:31

then um during the the the trial proper

01:28:34

you were there every damn day yeah yeah

01:28:38

yeah I did and then uh and

01:28:42

then uh in court case I readed my Victim

01:28:47

impet statement M with my sons and my

01:28:51

brother come from Turkey

01:28:54

was that

01:28:55

hard it was yes yes because it's

01:28:59

emotional time

01:29:01

too same time anger you know

01:29:05

angry but emotional mostly is emotional

01:29:08

but yeah I want to show him and he's

01:29:11

writing all in Manifesto and uh also

01:29:14

magazines is about how he hat the

01:29:17

Turkish people Ottoman Empire blah blah

01:29:19

blah and I want to show him yes I'm

01:29:24

stand front of you I am a Turkish and

01:29:26

you shot me nine times you're not bloody

01:29:29

successful to kill me and I stand up

01:29:32

front of

01:29:33

you you're are

01:29:35

covered but I am a brave to stand up

01:29:38

front of you and tell you how you are

01:29:41

covered M yeah was was he there or was

01:29:44

that video link no no he was on the

01:29:47

behind the uh glass glass yeah yeah so

01:29:51

you got to you got to eyeball him yeah

01:29:53

yes is only few few M away from him yeah

01:29:57

he was very surprised he shoot me nine

01:30:00

times how how do you

01:30:02

me when he is here you know oh you shot

01:30:06

me nine times but you didn't sucess to

01:30:08

kill me you know I see that his face

01:30:11

changed yeah was that satisfying yeah

01:30:15

his his face changed when he hear I am

01:30:18

Turkish too you

01:30:20

yeah um yeah yes that's six years your

01:30:24

life yeah I mean it's it's a rough road

01:30:28

to recovery like sitting in front of me

01:30:29

today like you look yeah if I was

01:30:31

sitting next to you on the plane today

01:30:32

for example I wouldn't would have no

01:30:34

idea of what you've been through but the

01:30:35

um yeah there's the the I suppose the

01:30:38

physical damage from the neck down which

01:30:40

is ongoing um but then there's the

01:30:42

mental damage as well from the neck up

01:30:44

which is um I pdst so I am using

01:30:48

anti-depressants every day and sleeping

01:30:51

tablets every night because I can't

01:30:53

sleep without slepping tablets because

01:30:55

of nightmares and

01:30:57

flashbacks and then of course I have a

01:31:00

Nerf damage so I need to use uh uh you

01:31:04

know pain killers for Nerf damage so

01:31:08

help me to sleep during the

01:31:10

night yeah how's it how do it change you

01:31:12

as a

01:31:14

person yeah I'm uh different then March

01:31:19

15 physically you know I was very active

01:31:23

M and emotionally I was very friendly

01:31:27

and outgoing and have fun with the

01:31:29

friends and entertainments I like to go

01:31:32

out and you know but today is you know

01:31:36

pretty much is uh I do limited myself to

01:31:41

you know pretty much

01:31:43

isolated and then

01:31:47

hiding you know most of time stay at

01:31:51

home pretty much you know because

01:31:54

of

01:31:56

um sometimes you know I don't know but I

01:31:59

think it's you know I don't feel

01:32:02

sometimes secured you

01:32:04

know understandable yeah because of you

01:32:07

know uh I'm living in the city centers

01:32:10

is every time my trauma is you know

01:32:13

triggered by ambulance sirens

01:32:16

or uh police or fire engine siren so and

01:32:20

you hear that every day maybe few times

01:32:24

a day you know so it's not

01:32:26

easy sometimes I'm thinking I should go

01:32:29

somewhere like middle of bush and no one

01:32:33

or no vehicles around you and then just

01:32:36

isolate it or sometimes thinking uh

01:32:40

should have Financial Security and then

01:32:42

get some sailing boats and stay in the

01:32:45

boat and then

01:32:47

sailing and catch fish and feel the Sea

01:32:51

Breeze M and sun

01:32:54

shine on my skin and

01:32:58

yeah that's my dream yeah would would

01:33:01

that bring you a sense of

01:33:03

Peace sorry would that bring you a sense

01:33:05

of

01:33:06

Peace yeah you know because of I'm

01:33:09

motivated myself like that you know

01:33:11

thinking and then I like to go next to

01:33:14

the beach and for relax and walking

01:33:18

listening the wave and SE gos you know

01:33:23

yeah

01:33:24

um I saw a um an interview you did um on

01:33:28

CNN um and there was a line you had you

01:33:31

said death would have been more

01:33:33

merciful yeah what what does that do do

01:33:36

you still think that

01:33:39

now yeah sometimes

01:33:41

yeah sometimes yeah actually mhm it's

01:33:46

difficult you

01:33:48

know

01:33:49

sometimes very judging what I spared my

01:33:52

life you know

01:33:55

to and sometimes

01:33:57

said you know yes this is the reason but

01:34:01

why I'm still in this circumstances why

01:34:03

I'm still in pain M you

01:34:06

know sometimes if I died on that day

01:34:09

everything's be over for me

01:34:11

finished and then one year later whoever

01:34:15

left behind you know they will get used

01:34:18

to and they will carry on the days

01:34:22

life and L pain maybe for

01:34:25

them that's not true though like look at

01:34:27

the we talked before about your dad

01:34:29

losing your dad at

01:34:30

11 you know sometimes you know I can't

01:34:33

control that but you know but of course

01:34:35

is you know when you bring in good point

01:34:39

you know when you're thinking that you

01:34:41

know yeah and I'm thankful to Allah to

01:34:44

you know spare my life for my kids yeah

01:34:47

do you um do you think you leave better

01:34:50

you know be your old self again sorry do

01:34:53

you think you leave be able to get to

01:34:54

the point where you're your old self

01:34:56

again like you were

01:34:57

pre9 I I don't think I don't think so

01:35:02

this is my new normal so I'm trying to

01:35:04

get used to my new normal now yeah CU

01:35:08

you mentioned um to me on the car ride

01:35:09

here that you've got like a short temper

01:35:11

now and you get angry and you can't

01:35:13

concentrate

01:35:14

and patient yeah things that were simple

01:35:17

before like doing admin and stuff is

01:35:19

just too difficult now but um like the

01:35:21

man that I've been hanging out with

01:35:23

today he's he's he's a top

01:35:25

BL yeah yeah you are you good at like

01:35:29

putting a mask on or being on your best

01:35:30

behavior

01:35:31

for his uh image is you know uh looking

01:35:36

good but behind that image is you know

01:35:39

oh man is the

01:35:42

difficulties

01:35:43

um I like the smiling face you know but

01:35:49

that's all need the image yeah you know

01:35:51

that's all but behind that you know

01:35:54

yeah is a big

01:35:56

[Music]

01:35:58

Stone what about survivors guilt have

01:36:00

you heard of the phrase survivors guilt

01:36:03

yeah that's the issue yeah that's the

01:36:06

big issue survival guilt you know and

01:36:08

I'm still six years later still feel

01:36:11

that you know survival guilt you

01:36:14

know at least every day M thinking one

01:36:18

or twice that guil is come M I can't

01:36:21

control it yeah

01:36:27

how how do you process the

01:36:30

anger eliminate and minimize the

01:36:33

socializing M and you know

01:36:38

or keep in touch with people M pretty

01:36:42

much you know try the controlling with

01:36:45

that or you

01:36:48

know uh less contact with people less

01:36:51

problem M that's what I said you know

01:36:54

these days at the moment yeah yeah but

01:36:56

that's sort of isolating yourself and

01:36:58

it's not not helping me great yeah not

01:37:01

helping me yeah but unfortunately you

01:37:04

know I don't know my brain is do that to

01:37:08

me mhm you

01:37:09

know and then I see I was seeing the my

01:37:15

psychologist and then we were doing EMDR

01:37:19

but it is really difficult processing

01:37:23

and

01:37:25

refreshing uh actually is helping the

01:37:28

facing the my fear but also tiring me

01:37:32

quite a lot so I didn't see my

01:37:36

psychologist last few months too since I

01:37:39

come back turkey yeah I don't know but

01:37:43

I'm tired mhm I feel like 100 years old

01:37:48

now um you know double-edged

01:37:52

feeling yeah and I lost my dog previous

01:37:56

year and then relationships break up

01:38:00

something like this you know all add on

01:38:02

add on yeah and then depressions and

01:38:05

March 15th nearby you know closing time

01:38:09

is put me in stress stress and

01:38:11

depression too so M yeah time by

01:38:16

time yeah do do you believe in that

01:38:18

there that saying that time heals all

01:38:20

wounds do do you believe that

01:38:24

do you think it gets easier so say

01:38:26

inshah yeah what what about um is is

01:38:30

forgiveness part of like being a Muslim

01:38:33

mhm

01:38:35

yeah are you ever able to like forgive

01:38:37

the

01:38:45

terrorist I never think

01:38:48

that I'm very angry what he's put what

01:38:52

he did

01:38:55

I want to forgive

01:38:57

him but I

01:38:59

[Music]

01:39:02

can't many many other brothers and

01:39:05

sisters did because they lost their

01:39:09

son or husbands or brothers or sisters

01:39:13

kind of like

01:39:16

this I can say yes but I can say no M

01:39:22

like I like this word in New Zealand

01:39:24

yeah

01:39:27

no you yeah well yeah I mean yeah yeah

01:39:33

he doesn't deserve anyone's I Tred to be

01:39:35

kaha stay strong

01:39:40

[Music]

01:39:46

yes

01:39:48

um do you need a break to stand I just

01:39:50

saw your watch it says time to stand you

01:39:52

you were telling me um when I picked you

01:39:54

up from the airport that uh you have to

01:39:56

like sit for an hour and then your knees

01:39:58

lock up yeah yeah okay

01:40:00

yeah

01:40:03

stretching M micro movements you know so

01:40:07

micro movements we talked about your

01:40:09

your flight when you went back to T Tura

01:40:13

yeah turke Tura you had to like get get

01:40:15

up out of your plane SE and walk around

01:40:17

the aisles every hour or so cuz your

01:40:18

knes lock up it's long hour to flight to

01:40:21

to so

01:40:24

I can't stand or stay too long so I need

01:40:27

to move when I do traveling in the car

01:40:30

too for example if I go Nelson from here

01:40:33

m i stop pretty much every hour M stop

01:40:36

for 5 minutes walking and stretching or

01:40:40

if I stop nearby coffee shop or

01:40:42

something like this buy coffee and break

01:40:45

and then walking kind of like this at

01:40:48

least four times five times stopping

01:40:51

between from here to Nelson for example

01:40:53

yeah

01:40:56

yeah Al so

01:40:58

um yeah what what's your relationship

01:41:01

with um jindra adun who was the Prime

01:41:03

Minister at the time she you showed me a

01:41:05

photo on your phone she she came to see

01:41:07

you was it the day after or two days

01:41:09

after a week one week yeah one week

01:41:11

after and she she had the head covering

01:41:13

on hij yeah yeah and also Sunny Bill

01:41:15

Williams also come to same day he's a

01:41:17

Muslim as well dev has been for years

01:41:19

he's a good fellow yeah and just just

01:41:23

Cinda is like

01:41:25

a sister for us or mother for us you

01:41:30

know yeah was it re reassuring that the

01:41:34

yeah the job she did at the time she did

01:41:35

great you know especially how she's

01:41:39

managed you know with uh her calmness

01:41:44

you know is amazing and then uh she did

01:41:48

it uh

01:41:51

like have a big wing

01:41:54

wings and then cover everybody under the

01:41:57

her wings so she's Angel M she's really

01:42:01

good persons

01:42:03

and when she's learned uh my name in

01:42:09

first visit two weeks later she saw me

01:42:12

in K Stevens uh uh youf Islam came to

01:42:17

the little concert that's right the

01:42:19

charity concert the benef you remember

01:42:21

that I went there too

01:42:23

and then just in the see me and oh taml

01:42:28

how are you you know call with my name

01:42:30

you know she's very busy

01:42:32

woman and lots of things lots of

01:42:35

problems around her to solve it but she

01:42:38

remember my name and she remembered

01:42:41

everybody's name over there she's very

01:42:43

intelligent and she's very respect uh

01:42:46

full woman and you know I respect her

01:42:52

too

01:42:53

because of uh she's feeling our pain and

01:42:57

she said our Prophet Muhammad's

01:43:01

words if you have

01:43:03

feeling little pain on your fingers

01:43:07

allbody is feeling that hurt so she said

01:43:11

that we are one and we are feeling and

01:43:14

this is our you

01:43:16

know uh problem not only yours this is

01:43:20

all nationwide's you know

01:43:24

uh disaster so she she did great you

01:43:27

know I really respect her I wish she's

01:43:30

carry on but of course uh lots of things

01:43:34

going around her too yeah that's

01:43:36

interesting cuz I yeah the cnic in me

01:43:39

thinks um you know like jusun and sunny

01:43:42

Bell Williams and Prince William as well

01:43:44

did he come part of me thinks oh so he

01:43:48

should be king really how you like him

01:43:51

was that in hospital he came you no he's

01:43:54

in the mosque he's came to yeah he's

01:43:56

came to the mosque and he's very patient

01:43:59

person too he's listen everybody's story

01:44:03

when he find out my story too and she's

01:44:07

very he's very interested and then he

01:44:09

listened to me maybe we did five minutes

01:44:14

conversation and he's very into

01:44:17

listening yeah so so happy to meet with

01:44:21

him I'm very hon not meet with him M

01:44:25

MH he has a big heart too yeah

01:44:29

yeah P part of me thinks oh you should

01:44:33

just let these let these people recover

01:44:35

and you know you think maybe they're

01:44:36

just there for the photo opportunity or

01:44:37

whatever so to hear this perspective

01:44:39

from a Survivor is um really cool yeah

01:44:43

yeah

01:44:44

yeah now how so you're you've been

01:44:47

unable to work so you're on um ACC yes I

01:44:51

am on acc because of my circumstances

01:44:54

yeah how's how's that do you think you

01:44:55

leave a be to get back to work

01:44:59

again you know when you're thinking when

01:45:03

you put yourself in my shoes you know

01:45:06

you will see my pain and then I told you

01:45:11

that you know I have a very quickly

01:45:14

irritated lose my temper very quickly my

01:45:18

anxieties and then my physical

01:45:21

disabilities you know I was pained

01:45:25

plasterer and I can't do you know cuz

01:45:29

I'm only one man hand one hand man

01:45:33

so and pretty much limited limited me to

01:45:37

work physically M and a doctor

01:45:40

assessment by ACC every two years they

01:45:44

can see that you know I'm not fit lots

01:45:48

of jobs M and then

01:45:54

ACC asked me you know they want to put

01:45:56

me back work programs I said okay tell

01:45:59

me what I can do then you know look at

01:46:01

the reports mhm and I can do this job

01:46:04

you I can be Courier I can

01:46:07

driving I don't know you know all you

01:46:09

know truck driving or anything you know

01:46:12

Plastering painting building handyman's

01:46:15

job nothing I can do physically so yeah

01:46:19

I said you know if you get shot nine

01:46:22

times do you think you can go back

01:46:25

work did what about um compensation did

01:46:27

you did you there was a lot of

01:46:29

fundraisers done at the time I think

01:46:30

there was some Red Cross fundraisers oh

01:46:32

that's donation you donations did you

01:46:34

did you get some yeah yeah because of

01:46:37

that was the big issue to in times but

01:46:39

Assa but that's the donation we didn't

01:46:43

get any compensation yeah are you going

01:46:45

to uh it is going to be deadline on the

01:46:49

March 14 M uh because of six years years

01:46:54

if you not open low suits against the

01:46:57

you know who have the uh failing in the

01:47:02

system and then you will lose your

01:47:06

chance to compensation against the you

01:47:10

know for example police departments

01:47:12

because of the you know gun license

01:47:17

terrorist get two weeks after he's

01:47:19

arrived to the New

01:47:21

Zealand after after I two weeks arrive

01:47:24

to the New Zealand if I go to the gun

01:47:28

license I wonder the police departments

01:47:31

G me dead license oh I know you would

01:47:33

have been deported isn't it yeah 100%

01:47:36

yeah um something you were telling me um

01:47:39

yeah just before we recorded which um I

01:47:42

found quite alarming so with ACC um they

01:47:45

require you to get like regular or

01:47:48

semi-regular sort of therapy just to

01:47:50

make sure you're still unfit to work

01:47:51

yeah so you basically have to

01:47:54

continuously prove you should still be

01:47:56

on on the benefit I'm I'm thinking for

01:47:59

[ __ ] sake leave the poor guy alone

01:48:01

yeah I have to get my Supply to Medical

01:48:04

certificate from GP every 3 months I'm

01:48:08

onfit to work and every two years they

01:48:11

do Health assessment by doctor and by

01:48:15

psychiatrics and then uh they seeing me

01:48:18

you know they uh the soltion onfit most

01:48:23

you know and then they see my

01:48:26

circumstances and they understand me but

01:48:29

ACC because of they only thinking you

01:48:31

know

01:48:32

MoneyWise and they don't care I think

01:48:35

you're you know they're only thinking

01:48:38

the budget M and then uh yeah but um

01:48:44

when you thinking to the Australia we

01:48:48

are very similar laws Australia give you

01:48:52

permanent

01:48:53

uh medical certificate and they pay your

01:48:56

conversation compensation M you know

01:48:59

without any problem or without any

01:49:02

supplying the every 3 months medical

01:49:05

certificate but it was the uh one of the

01:49:08

the comments when I was meeting with ACC

01:49:12

M uh case managers and case manager

01:49:17

supervisors she said where she's come

01:49:21

from uh she's from from England and you

01:49:24

can't see weekly compensation you can't

01:49:28

have weekly compensation in England but

01:49:31

you are very

01:49:33

lucky I was very irritated and angry how

01:49:37

I'm lucky I get shot nine times I was

01:49:40

nearly dying I'm disabilities I'm

01:49:43

challenging mental health and you call

01:49:45

me I'm lucky I have weekly

01:49:48

compensation I give you all that money

01:49:50

back

01:49:52

can you give my heal back no I shot you

01:49:56

nine times do you think you will be

01:49:58

healthy back to work

01:50:00

again oh not like this oh no you know so

01:50:04

how I can be

01:50:06

lucky yeah I don't I don't think very

01:50:09

disrespectful comment from the ACC

01:50:12

supervisor lady you know yeah that's Le

01:50:16

all empathy yeah and I I I don't think

01:50:19

there'd be one single person uh watching

01:50:22

the or listening to this that would want

01:50:23

to trade places with you or would call

01:50:25

you lucky no nobody nobody would want to

01:50:28

experience want to be you know someone's

01:50:31

coming and shot you you're are innocent

01:50:34

persons M yeah

01:50:39

yeah and can you remember um gez there's

01:50:42

so much to talk about with you um we

01:50:45

might have to get you back another time

01:50:47

um I haven't even talked about the peace

01:50:48

walk yet oh yeah this is another big

01:50:51

Journey for me yeah this is this is mive

01:50:53

so was this part of um yeah so the peace

01:50:55

walk you did that you you um sort of

01:50:58

retraced the road trip of the the

01:51:00

terrorist which was from denan to Christ

01:51:02

Church um so you did that walk over

01:51:05

which is how far 3 58 km 358 km so you

01:51:09

did that over a couple of weeks um

01:51:11

ending on March 15 yeah at um the Alor

01:51:16

mosque

01:51:17

yeah why was that why was that important

01:51:20

for

01:51:21

you um

01:51:23

in the third third year of March

01:51:28

15th uh you know the Cross Church

01:51:31

invitations happened in the Christ

01:51:33

Church mhm and in the Christ Church Hall

01:51:36

City Hall is uh some uh performance

01:51:43

maen from the six years and then they

01:51:49

explained how they feeling in two of

01:51:52

them they lost their fathers you

01:51:55

know in the mosque too and they

01:51:58

explained how they feel too and then I

01:52:01

put myself to and I lost my father when

01:52:05

I was young too and then I think also my

01:52:10

children's two boys and also I remember

01:52:16

while I watching all that three years

01:52:19

old little boy who died

01:52:23

and then the reason was safe country to

01:52:26

come here to raise my kids and everybody

01:52:29

did it like this to to come here to New

01:52:34

Zealand's made it

01:52:37

[Music]

01:52:38

home and

01:52:41

then I decided I should do

01:52:45

something make awareness and safe

01:52:50

country again New Zealand made safe

01:52:53

again and

01:52:55

clean this hatress on this land and he

01:52:59

drived from donen he plant there and he

01:53:03

drive from donen to Christ Church all

01:53:06

that way would buy his

01:53:09

car and then I said every single

01:53:14

centimeter on this land I will

01:53:17

walk and clean this hatress from this

01:53:22

land

01:53:23

and I did organize

01:53:25

this uh walk with my ex partner M and

01:53:30

then this was my idea and then she

01:53:33

helped me lots and

01:53:35

then uh we did walk and we decided to

01:53:40

also raise the money and then the

01:53:44

children is my you know my soft part M

01:53:49

and then cancer kids safety children

01:53:52

in gambut Friday I am H for because of I

01:53:57

was challenging pdsd and mental health

01:54:00

too and children's uh and youth's mental

01:54:03

health was important for me too after

01:54:06

this March 15 happened because of uh

01:54:11

many many also youths watch this online

01:54:15

when the GoPro footage happened by

01:54:18

terrorist so they are traumatized and I

01:54:21

was thinking I can help who need this

01:54:24

support and then media helped me quite a

01:54:28

lot to advertising this work also same

01:54:31

time and then give a little or and then

01:54:36

we open the uh Facebook page and then we

01:54:39

inform day by day to the everybody's

01:54:42

who's following and donating I'm

01:54:45

appreciated New Zealand is support a lot

01:54:48

on that time and then we raise about I

01:54:52

think 90 something like this ,000 yeah

01:54:56

and then divided between the three

01:54:59

Charities to help the childrens and

01:55:01

youths yeah yeah it was

01:55:05

very different way the experience for me

01:55:08

too and I see I was very worrying

01:55:13

beginning to you know the walking uh

01:55:17

someone can be protest me or harm me on

01:55:21

the way walking or you know I don't know

01:55:23

something can be bad you know I was very

01:55:26

worrying but I see that is you know in

01:55:29

the first day I see many peop behind me

01:55:33

walk and support me and then

01:55:36

walk in first day many peoples and

01:55:39

second day Third Day fourth day all the

01:55:42

way is people stopping give me hugs give

01:55:45

me handshakes and then talking lots of

01:55:48

nice supportive you know and also one of

01:55:51

the old men is

01:55:52

coming and bring us to the foods and

01:55:55

cold drinks and giving some pocket money

01:55:58

to buy some drinks and something like

01:56:00

this you know helping the Charities

01:56:01

think something and yeah lots of big

01:56:05

hugs lots of um one of the in I think is

01:56:09

a omaru or somewhere you know little

01:56:13

children's I play with you know and then

01:56:17

it's very uh friendly and I play game

01:56:20

with them and 90 years old lady on the

01:56:23

way she was one of the my fan waiting to

01:56:27

celebrate her birthdays with me and

01:56:28

share the birthday cakes with me yeah

01:56:31

yeah it's amazing peoples and I see the

01:56:34

lots of good peoples out there you know

01:56:36

and then I said and I proud of

01:56:40

myself I did good job and make good

01:56:43

awareness and we clear the hatreds from

01:56:45

this land yeah it was amazing time for

01:56:49

me yeah and you ended that walk at the

01:56:52

um at the elor mosque um very emotional

01:56:55

yeah you you you've been you've been

01:56:57

there many you still go there on a

01:56:59

regular basis to to elor not really

01:57:03

because of it triggered my trauma all

01:57:05

the time yeah I was going to ask that if

01:57:08

if it could ever be like a place of um

01:57:10

Peace again for you or

01:57:12

MH because you know um you know I go

01:57:16

turkey M uh try to go every year and

01:57:23

couple months I stay when I save my all

01:57:25

energy when I come back as drain my

01:57:28

energy very quickly especially when I go

01:57:31

to mosque you know and uh so I decided

01:57:36

maybe I should stop the going to do this

01:57:39

Mosk because of uh ret traumatizing me

01:57:43

and then but when I go in Turkey to

01:57:47

mosque I don't have any problems like

01:57:49

that but only only when I go to the D

01:57:53

elor mosque is uh triggering my trauma

01:57:56

that's so

01:58:01

understandable so on what occasions now

01:58:05

is your mind peaceful so you when you're

01:58:08

when you're on medication to help you

01:58:09

sleep um what else like is there any

01:58:12

activity you can do where you're in a

01:58:14

state of mindfulness and you know you're

01:58:15

not thinking about the horrible things

01:58:17

I'm patient with football so I love play

01:58:21

football or watch football of course I

01:58:23

can't play any more normal running

01:58:25

football because of my uh niece's

01:58:29

problem uh but I find last couple years

01:58:33

I do walking football in hille domain in

01:58:36

Christ church and then last year I went

01:58:39

to Nelson for the tournaments who came

01:58:42

from Australia and Nelson team and

01:58:44

Christ Church team so we were going

01:58:47

again to the 21st March to the Nelson

01:58:51

for a few days the tournament but every

01:58:54

week Wednesday night I play Walking

01:58:56

football in hoswell domain with

01:58:58

socializing and playing MH so that's a

01:59:03

mindset is you know with football I only

01:59:06

forget the time and thinking on that

01:59:09

time you know one hour I do break from

01:59:14

everything you're in the moment yeah

01:59:16

yeah I only only my brain stop on that

01:59:19

time MH only only the football time it's

01:59:22

not much of a rest is it no no because

01:59:25

it's every time tick tick tick tick tick

01:59:28

you

01:59:28

know have you found as time passes so

01:59:31

it's six years now is it getting bter

01:59:34

and bter or not noticeably not

01:59:36

noticeably I can say

01:59:38

that uh as I said to you you know when I

01:59:41

go to Turkey Turkey to having time with

01:59:45

my mother with my brothers and siblings

01:59:48

and because I grow up in the big

01:59:50

family and then that's uh I have lots of

01:59:54

supports there my childhood friends my

01:59:56

cousins we are really big you know

01:59:58

community in Turkey F here and then when

02:00:02

you're looking up here I'm pretty much

02:00:05

myself because my son's teenagers you

02:00:08

know the teenagers behaviors they don't

02:00:10

want to spend time with the parents you

02:00:12

know we know nothing next to them and

02:00:15

then they want their own lifestyle so

02:00:18

they don't want to see you often pretty

02:00:20

much I am lonely here mhm and then I

02:00:23

don't have a relationship I'm single

02:00:26

person and then my niece is coming here

02:00:28

for support she's living with me but

02:00:31

she's also you know going to study

02:00:35

school because I needed time off from

02:00:37

her sometimes you know I can't handle

02:00:40

the with you know at the moment these

02:00:43

days so

02:00:46

yeah oh man I hope things get better

02:00:49

sorry lots of dramas in my life no no

02:00:52

I'm not accepting your apology uh I

02:00:55

think I think you should be yeah you

02:00:56

should be proud of yourself it's a lot

02:00:58

that you've you've be it's so much

02:01:00

adversity thank you you're still and

02:01:02

you're doing well yeah thank you um

02:01:05

yeah as as the man who was trying to

02:01:07

sell me a rug in estan said to me he he

02:01:09

said sometimes I try and make business

02:01:11

sometimes I try and make friend today I

02:01:13

try and make friend and um that's that's

02:01:15

how I feel about this the podcast is

02:01:17

business but um um yeah you're a mate

02:01:20

and uh when I'm in chist church I'm

02:01:23

going to take that offer and catch up

02:01:24

with you and have some Turkish too yeah

02:01:26

I visit you here now so your turn to

02:01:27

visit me in chch 100% um is there any

02:01:31

any any final words you'd like to you'd

02:01:33

like to leave with any messages that

02:01:34

you'd like uh new zealanders to know or

02:01:37

anything you want to part

02:01:38

on I would like to say thank you again

02:01:41

to all New Zealand to supporting us all

02:01:46

that

02:01:46

time and let's come together and we are

02:01:50

one and and let's do it New Zealand safe

02:01:53

again for our future

02:01:56

generations and I love you

02:01:59

all great place to end it I my

02:02:05

friend Tam thank you so much for coming

02:02:07

on the podcast you're welcome thank you

02:02:09

very much

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Episode Highlights

Survivor's Story
A survivor of the Christchurch mosque shooting shares his harrowing experience and ongoing trauma.
“I may die on the first bullet but this is the miracle.”
@ 05m 13s
March 12, 2025
Mission for Awareness
The survivor discusses his mission to inform others about the tragedy and its impact.
“I have to be strong enough to do that.”
@ 07m 45s
March 12, 2025
A New Beginning in New Zealand
The speaker reflects on the reasons for choosing New Zealand, highlighting safety and opportunities for their children.
“New Zealand is a supportive country with lots of sports opportunities.”
@ 26m 17s
March 12, 2025
The Christchurch Attack
On March 15, 2019, the speaker recounts the horrific events of the mosque shooting.
“Hell breaks loose basically.”
@ 39m 09s
March 12, 2025
A Prayer for Life
In the face of death, the speaker prays for forgiveness and for their children's future.
“I don't want them to grow up without a father.”
@ 51m 40s
March 12, 2025
A Heroic Act
A woman barricaded herself and others to save lives during the attack.
“She’s very brave to be holding the door behind.”
@ 55m 51s
March 12, 2025
The Pain of Loss
He recounts witnessing a child who was killed, reflecting on the tragedy of innocence lost.
“Can you imagine that? Five minutes ago, a little boy is very alive.”
@ 01h 05m 51s
March 12, 2025
A Beautiful Awakening
After a traumatic experience, a nurse's gentle voice brings the speaker back to consciousness.
“Wake up, wake up, you are safe!”
@ 01h 19m 26s
March 12, 2025
Facing the Attacker
In a powerful moment, the speaker confronts their shooter in court, declaring their survival.
“You shot me nine times, but you didn’t succeed in killing me!”
@ 01h 30m 02s
March 12, 2025
Finding Purpose
Reflecting on survival, the speaker expresses gratitude for their life and their children.
“I’m thankful to Allah for sparing my life for my kids.”
@ 01h 34m 44s
March 12, 2025
The Peace Walk
A journey retracing the path of the terrorist to raise awareness and promote peace.
“I will walk and clean this hatreds from this land.”
@ 01h 53m 17s
March 12, 2025
Finding Support
During the walk, the speaker experienced overwhelming support from the community.
“I see lots of good peoples out there.”
@ 01h 56m 34s
March 12, 2025

Episode Quotes

Key Moments

Safe Country25:45
Sports Opportunities26:07
Prayer for Children51:40
Bravery in Crisis55:51
Tragic Innocence1:05:51
Waking Up1:19:26
Irritated Reflection1:49:33
Call for Unity2:01:50

Words per Minute Over Time

Vibes Breakdown

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October 20, 2023

08:26

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December 14, 2025

01:24:41

Inside The Auckland CBD Siege - With A Cop Who Was Shot

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00:30

The Scariest Moment Of His Life

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01:17:00

A Helmet Saved His Life - Sam Clarke was Shot in the Head During 2023 Auckland Shooting