00:00:00
I was in Washington with kalila and
00:00:01
we're at a restaurant and the lady next
00:00:06
says dies shut up she started choking no
00:00:09
she just collapsed you know I mean and
00:00:12
kalila gets up and she's now cuz clouds
00:00:16
and arose so she's doing like
00:00:17
compressions on the chest yeah and
00:00:19
everyone's calling 911 it's chaos and
00:00:22
kalila looks up and I have my iPad with
00:00:24
me and I'm playing candy crush you ready
00:00:30
to start if we already started what are
00:00:31
you wearing
00:00:32
oh you're doing jokes you're doing a
00:00:38
[ __ ] welcome back to bad friends
00:00:43
you're doing a joke no I'm trying to
00:00:45
stay protected it's so done what you're
00:00:46
doing right now I have no idea what's
00:00:48
gonna happen Bob but you're but you but
00:00:53
you're saying that I'm Chinese I didn't
00:00:56
say you're Chinese then why I don't
00:00:59
where's my suit
00:01:00
you don't what if I get sick from who
00:01:04
from you yeah but you're you're closer
00:01:07
to the [ __ ] racist that's not racist
00:01:11
yeah it's like one that one politician
00:01:13
was saying it's the China coronavirus
00:01:15
first of all I'm not Chinese but your
00:01:17
clutch clothes it's that close at all
00:01:19
because I'm an American I've never even
00:01:20
been there you've been to Korea yeah
00:01:23
like ten years ago to do a music video
00:01:25
who knows if it started ten years ago
00:01:26
and it just latched on to you and held
00:01:28
on for a long time oh you [ __ ] idiot
00:01:29
we do have a we can we have can we get
00:01:31
his suit please yeah I don't want one I
00:01:33
don't need one you just said we won't
00:01:34
even give me one don't even give me one
00:01:36
because the thing is it's a bit you know
00:01:39
he's guys doing some sort of this how
00:01:40
this isn't a bit you can do some sort of
00:01:43
like scientist character now about oh
00:01:44
I'm just not you the who guy now I'm
00:01:46
just trying to stay safe do you like
00:01:48
some of the new art that got put up look
00:01:49
behind you beautiful darling you're pure
00:01:52
gold honestly dude you know you guys
00:01:56
stop shopping at IKEA no no this short
00:01:58
yeah I said let's get first let's go to
00:02:01
Ikea I said the Georgia meatball I said
00:02:03
George get some great stuff and he got
00:02:05
some great stuff here can we show give
00:02:06
me scissors do you have scissors
00:02:08
whoa Idol Bob I spent so long special
00:02:11
that time putting that up
00:02:13
I was a target for like an hour and a
00:02:15
half yesterday choosing all this stuff
00:02:16
target yeah yeah he picked up some great
00:02:19
snow like one of the like top 300
00:02:22
podcasts in the world you're gonna
00:02:23
[ __ ] put good at Target let's see
00:02:27
what I mean you do set up all this for
00:02:29
one laughs see what happens and now
00:02:33
you're embarrassed you're like ah see I
00:02:35
take this suit off or not no I'm gonna
00:02:37
leave the chute on but I want to show
00:02:38
you some of the other cooler the roses
00:02:39
look at the roses look at that that's a
00:02:42
tapestry does that remind you of home
00:02:43
there you go thank you Bob Bob Oh God
00:02:47
look at this look at how cute that is a
00:02:49
little wreath look at his flower it's
00:02:51
just like that we're in that movie
00:02:52
[ __ ] summer summer what's that movie
00:02:54
with the horror movie summer summer yeah
00:02:56
oh my god oh oh that's right look at
00:03:00
nose look it knows what does it knows it
00:03:05
knows what it knows it's nothing knows
00:03:08
nothing here's another thing dude what
00:03:11
last night what get out of here yell at
00:03:15
him or yell at him or give me scissors
00:03:18
so I can cut this down right there give
00:03:22
me those scissors so he's got I'm gonna
00:03:24
cut it down because I want you to be
00:03:25
honest now look it's a I just want to
00:03:27
stay stay stay stay stay stay stay stay
00:03:34
last night I'm at the Comedy Store and
00:03:37
so I'm bringing up Chris D'Elia on stage
00:03:39
yeah yeah we do a little banter and he
00:03:43
you know so he he makes a scene like
00:03:45
from from the audience cuz we're friends
00:03:47
so he makes you know a little banter and
00:03:49
like I put a phone call we had or
00:03:51
whatever yeah and then afterwards these
00:03:55
these two frat jockey dudes I walk up to
00:03:57
me after the show
00:03:58
hey what's up bro no they gotta love you
00:04:01
Bob yeah no they don't do that to go you
00:04:03
know Chris D'Elia mm-hmm
00:04:06
because you'd like to the banter with
00:04:08
them I go [ __ ] [ __ ] he knows me ooh
00:04:12
little pitchy [ __ ]
00:04:14
you didn't like it that they didn't know
00:04:15
who you were is that what it was it's
00:04:16
bad day and they go can we meet him yeah
00:04:19
I'm sort of like now his agent or his
00:04:22
like publicist or something well could
00:04:23
you make it happen I did okay I didn't
00:04:26
mean great yeah and then then that and
00:04:30
then Bob Saget every time I see Bob
00:04:33
Saget now for the last 15 years he
00:04:37
doesn't say hey Bobby he didn't say you
00:04:41
know hey how's life this is what he says
00:04:45
he always says um what is his opening
00:04:47
line he says um I almost didn't
00:04:50
recognize you with clothes on ah well
00:04:53
[ __ ] [ __ ] Bob Saget pop not a nudist
00:04:57
[ __ ] [ __ ] hey [ __ ] wears clothes all
00:05:02
the time
00:05:03
do you realize I got naked on something
00:05:05
that he saw me on you're an
00:05:06
exhibitionist for sure you do get naked
00:05:07
a lot not as an older man
00:05:10
[ __ ] [ __ ] don't get mad I'm not Bob
00:05:12
Saget oh that's right sorry my bad don't
00:05:14
get mad at me here I'll be Bob Saget
00:05:15
ready yeah hey Bob
00:05:18
one time I [ __ ] Michelle on set uh he
00:05:22
does that on Stein oh he talked about
00:05:23
[ __ ] the kids from Full House on
00:05:25
stage I know and it's funny though it's
00:05:27
not it's gross yeah it's disgusting
00:05:28
those were crazies he did the show with
00:05:30
kids it's creepy stuff I don't like it
00:05:33
at all I don't like it I don't like it
00:05:34
he literally goes like and went down
00:05:36
Michelle is look at my butt yeah I don't
00:05:39
know who the Michelle is is that a good
00:05:40
one that's a little girl it's a little
00:05:41
tiny baby
00:05:42
all those wife in the show shows a
00:05:45
little water didn't ever what he was gay
00:05:47
on the show oh he was wasn't he gay on
00:05:49
the shows a little one Michelle's the
00:05:50
baby dude he used to make jokes about I
00:05:55
some dude with the factory a long time
00:05:56
ago I don't know if he still does that
00:05:57
stuff he was gay on that show though
00:05:59
wasn't he was he it was he now is he gay
00:06:02
now I don't think so he seems no but I
00:06:05
think I'm sure he's a nice guy though I
00:06:07
don't know I love it he just oh you
00:06:09
don't know I don't know him you know I
00:06:11
love all those old we don't know each
00:06:12
other I like him I like Howie Mandel a
00:06:15
lot I don't know him either
00:06:16
you don't know
00:06:19
he likes what I like Lulu B Andrey Louie
00:06:24
Anderson yeah he's a very interesting
00:06:29
man why are you upset right now
00:06:31
did you have a bad night last night you
00:06:35
[ __ ] tell me what happened hey [ __ ]
00:06:37
[ __ ] did you have a long night last
00:06:39
night no I'm gonna tell you something
00:06:40
right now what I say to you privately I
00:06:42
don't you don't have to talk about it
00:06:43
come in here yeah is it necessarily
00:06:46
stuff and I only told you I already told
00:06:48
you that I didn't even want to talk
00:06:49
about nothing we're not gonna talk about
00:06:51
it okay
00:06:52
but you know you were up all night I was
00:06:54
up all you got no sleep that's all you
00:06:56
have to say I had no sleep last night so
00:06:57
you're bummed I'm sorry yeah
00:06:59
and do you think it's depleting your
00:07:01
immune system and you might get Corona
00:07:04
hey man huh are you gonna keep with this
00:07:07
coronavirus stuff it's what's happening
00:07:10
with five people haven't five people
00:07:13
have it in LA maybe thousands of people
00:07:17
have it in a planet Earth you know how
00:07:19
many people live on planet Earth how
00:07:21
many at least 500,000 there's no way
00:07:26
it's a million billions of people that
00:07:27
live on earth there's a billions of
00:07:29
people that live on planet earth and
00:07:30
it's like um
00:07:31
you know if I vote like in in whoo-ha
00:07:34
whoo-ha wherever that place want you
00:07:37
know I mean want you know the [ __ ]
00:07:40
on it you know the [ __ ] they live
00:07:41
there I'm sorry no the Chinese beautiful
00:07:48
Chinese people that live there
00:07:49
mm-hmm there's a billion people that
00:07:51
live there if I brought you to a beach
00:07:53
right if I brought you a so oh my how
00:07:56
many people died from it three three
00:07:57
thousand maybe how many people have died
00:07:59
so far in China a lot 3,000 I think
00:08:02
upwards of five or six thousand if let's
00:08:05
suppose that's the case that's a lot
00:08:07
okay go ahead let's close it but there's
00:08:08
a billion people that live there that's
00:08:11
like if I said a on this beach one grain
00:08:14
of sand on this Beach has the
00:08:17
coronavirus so don't put your foot on it
00:08:20
you would be you would you'd be making
00:08:22
sand castles running around the beach
00:08:24
you wouldn't give a [ __ ] bro 125,000
00:08:28
cases for 4500 deaths on
00:08:32
yeah you know how many people die from
00:08:34
the flu give how many people die from
00:08:37
HIV I don't know a year in fact today
00:08:40
did you hear what happened no the second
00:08:42
case ever of HIV got cured in London Oh
00:08:45
in the history of HIV the second guy on
00:08:48
earth
00:08:48
yeah cured oh so we can we sure we can
00:08:51
cure the hip now oh we could free ball
00:08:53
that now we can free ball oh [ __ ]
00:08:56
don't use condoms god dude how crazy is
00:09:01
that the second guy on earth it's so
00:09:02
funny because it's like all these little
00:09:04
cure things happen when I you know so
00:09:07
for instance you know I got in a
00:09:10
long-term relationship so no I it
00:09:12
doesn't even matter to me what the hip
00:09:14
yeah because I can't free ball up with
00:09:16
random women because I'm in a
00:09:18
relationship and it's the same thing I
00:09:19
got sober and then they legalize
00:09:21
marijuana yeah you want to come back no
00:09:24
I can't do any of those anymore
00:09:25
that's good thing though right look this
00:09:27
is still a climbing number this is still
00:09:29
gonna keep going you know some of the
00:09:31
fans have sent in video saying that
00:09:32
they're fighting Corona and they want to
00:09:34
show you how they're fighting Corona can
00:09:36
I show you how some of them this is this
00:09:37
is Tevin frame he's fighting Corona his
00:09:40
own way yeah here's Tevin let's see what
00:09:42
he has to say okay mmm-hmm what's up bad
00:09:46
friends I heard you guys were looking
00:09:48
for a video about how I'm fighting
00:09:50
against the corona virus so here it is
00:09:52
right now I'm following a strict regimen
00:09:55
of supplements that I take three times a
00:10:00
day these supplements include elderberry
00:10:03
syrup vitamin C and locally sourced
00:10:05
honey now I know what you're thinking is
00:10:08
good how did these products help me
00:10:10
fight against the corona virus in a 24
00:10:12
movie Oh cute dude wipe it I drew this I
00:10:19
don't know but I haven't gotten a corona
00:10:22
virus yet maybe I have some natural
00:10:25
ability to understand it tell me what
00:10:27
you guys think
00:10:28
what a cute young man he's a cute guy
00:10:30
what do you think do you think he's
00:10:31
doing all the right things it looked
00:10:32
like it this one this is from Keira grey
00:10:36
sounds like a porn star but it's not
00:10:38
which looks Russian Russia she says I'm
00:10:40
fighting good on the bonus I've like 15
00:10:42
knives in her pocket
00:10:43
I sell I sell bootleg DVD of bad boys
00:10:47
hey guys my name is Kara and I am
00:10:50
dealing with the Kona virus that hang
00:10:52
out with all the dogs that might work
00:10:54
like beautiful princess and yeah
00:11:04
but also I like girls that look like
00:11:05
that but also is skin plus a white is
00:11:08
this dog blind she's Chinese does that
00:11:11
dog have no eyes oh my God look at that
00:11:14
[ __ ] dog doesn't have no eyes yeah I
00:11:17
don't get it look this look oh maybe it
00:11:19
was a China miss hi Chinese this is a
00:11:22
who hand dog it's a who hand dog this is
00:11:24
a Wuhan dog oh well yeah you're done
00:11:27
but woman dogs when they're alive that's
00:11:29
a good thing that is a good thing this
00:11:33
is a Jeremy what does that say LaNasa
00:11:36
this guy is in Texas drunk he sent me
00:11:39
this drunk in Texas look what he's doing
00:11:41
ready yeah even as his wife or
00:11:47
girlfriend said you're disgusting it
00:11:48
cuts it off a look he's looking this
00:11:49
table this park bench oh no thanks oh
00:11:53
thank
00:11:54
no thank you definitely and this last
00:11:56
one is a great song this was sent in by
00:11:59
[Laughter]
00:12:01
Griffin
00:12:04
this is sent in from Craig Li Shimin a
00:12:08
look at this oh how good is that song
00:12:18
it's wrote it we don't know but we have
00:12:21
a translator on today's can translate
00:12:23
what is he saying right there some of
00:12:24
that stuff it's saying take care
00:12:27
coronaviruses around take care
00:12:30
coronavirus around listen the rest of
00:12:31
he'll keep trends are you ready yeah
00:12:33
[Music]
00:12:37
what does that say rapido perfect let's
00:12:42
put it up rapido coronavirus is
00:12:44
coronavirus in spanish koruna viedos
00:12:46
except oh he's just saying corona corona
00:12:48
corona corona virus okay
00:12:52
let's hear the rest ready what is he
00:12:59
saying it's same I have a headache
00:13:01
my knees hurt I put my mask on I take my
00:13:04
pills
00:13:04
oh no you cut your nuts pop I did man
00:13:14
because I used a [ __ ] razor from
00:13:16
prison Wow don't do that now you can use
00:13:19
manscape because manscaped has the
00:13:21
lawnmower 3.0 and they're
00:13:22
third-generation trimmer it has advanced
00:13:24
skin safe technology so you ain't gonna
00:13:26
cut you nuts
00:13:27
oh the manscaped engineering team spent
00:13:30
18 months perfecting the greatest bald
00:13:32
hair trimmer ever created and just
00:13:34
released the new and improved lawn mower
00:13:36
3.0 you know I'm not kidding one time I
00:13:39
was in the shower and I was shaving with
00:13:40
my old buzzer and I cut the underside of
00:13:42
my nuts and I didn't notice that I cut
00:13:44
it and I was showering yeah
00:13:45
and it looked like like a like a horror
00:13:47
movie I was looking down and there's
00:13:49
blood dripping down my leg I thought I
00:13:50
was I thought I had I thought I had
00:13:52
hemorrhoids yeah I used to just pluck
00:13:53
them just pluck hairs out he was so
00:13:56
painful yeah but now I literally use
00:13:59
this [ __ ] man's me too
00:14:00
yeah yeah I use I actually use one on my
00:14:02
face and one of my nuts just cuz it's
00:14:03
soft on your face and let's not forget
00:14:05
about the charging stand oh yeah you can
00:14:07
you have a charging stand yeah it's
00:14:08
really nice
00:14:09
look you can you can you can shave your
00:14:12
nuts with a million different things but
00:14:13
the manscape tools are the right tool
00:14:14
for your tool try it out and get 20% off
00:14:16
plus free shipping when you use the bad
00:14:18
codes bad friend at manscape calm once
00:14:21
again get 20% off free shipping with the
00:14:23
code bad friend and manscaped calm your
00:14:25
partner your pee-pee and your balls are
00:14:27
gonna thank you thank you so much for
00:14:30
the translation no really I appreciate
00:14:32
it that was some great fancy middle
00:14:34
thank you guys for telling us how are
00:14:36
you guys are fighting coronavirus I
00:14:37
appreciate it very much
00:14:38
yeah but I called my I was gonna try to
00:14:40
think I was thinking I have to go to
00:14:41
Denver right now are you canceling shows
00:14:43
well I was call I called my people I go
00:14:46
are people canceling or that they're not
00:14:48
yet buddy dude like Nikki Glaser just
00:14:51
texted me this morning literally on the
00:14:52
way here and was like hey are you around
00:14:54
I'm in LA I'm Kate I've canceled Seattle
00:14:57
so and I was like I just I'm about to
00:15:00
sell out Seattle for next month and I
00:15:02
think it's all gonna get canceled all
00:15:03
that stuff
00:15:04
I think I'm already gonna cancel Houston
00:15:06
maybe Ontario I don't know now here's no
00:15:09
on Terry's right here I'll just drive
00:15:11
there that's close wait a minute Houston
00:15:16
you're gonna cancel all that stuff I'm
00:15:17
scared of what I'm gonna cancel I'm
00:15:18
supposed to go to bought I'm just gonna
00:15:20
Connecticut next week
00:15:21
yeah I'm but I was calling about Devon
00:15:23
they're like well you know no one else
00:15:25
is doing well I mean we cancelled
00:15:27
Coachella and all these gigantic
00:15:30
festival I don't see the difference
00:15:32
between they go but clubs are fine but
00:15:34
but it's still people congregating in an
00:15:36
area it's all the same are you scared
00:15:39
be honest be honest I think that if I
00:15:41
get it I'm the type of guy that's gonna
00:15:43
die from it why because it might have
00:15:45
weak lungs cuz you smoke it's cuz I
00:15:47
smoke but you're still healthy well I
00:15:50
don't have like any physical I don't
00:15:52
have died about Oh
00:15:53
diabetes I notice diabetes and I don't
00:15:56
have um Bobby got burnished I don't have
00:15:59
any of those things but I um I think I'm
00:16:01
always on the fence you know like once
00:16:03
my doctor always I was always it was
00:16:05
always like yeah you're you're on the
00:16:07
fence a but on a lot of things really
00:16:09
yeah I don't think so
00:16:10
you're not a [ __ ] doctor race I am
00:16:12
yes I am give me your Pole give me a
00:16:15
wrist I'm gonna read your pulse come
00:16:16
here
00:16:17
one two three four five six nine twelve
00:16:23
okay you're fine I I know it works no
00:16:28
but I'm saying I I did the math you're
00:16:29
fine you're good are you being real open
00:16:31
your mouth let me see open your mouth
00:16:32
open your wide open your wide make a
00:16:34
noise go ah perfect
00:16:39
no look at you no training yes I do
00:16:42
I took CPR you know I was CPR certified
00:16:47
because I was a lifeguard and used have
00:16:48
to go up one and two and three and blow
00:16:50
one and two and three and blow and now
00:16:53
they don't want you to touch their mouth
00:16:54
you're supposed to just punch him as
00:16:56
hard as you can in the chest until they
00:16:57
wake up yeah I'm the type of guy that
00:16:59
wouldn't do that like if I'm at a
00:17:01
restaurant if I was if you me you would
00:17:04
you'd you'd punt you would push my chest
00:17:05
you would compress my chance there's no
00:17:06
way you hadn't try to save your [ __ ]
00:17:08
life
00:17:09
I play candy crush or something while
00:17:10
I'm dying yeah cuz this actually
00:17:13
happened I was in remember I was in
00:17:14
Washington I was in Washington with
00:17:16
kalila
00:17:18
we're at a restaurant and the lady next
00:17:21
says dies shut up she started choking no
00:17:25
she just collapsed you know I mean and
00:17:27
kalila gets up and she's now cuz clouds
00:17:31
a nurse so she's doing like compressions
00:17:34
on the chest yeah and everyone's calling
00:17:35
9-1-1 it's chaos and Claire looks up and
00:17:39
I have my iPad with me and I'm playing
00:17:41
candy crush I'll tell you why I'm not
00:17:45
doing because I'm evil no but really
00:17:48
because because it was just so gnarly
00:17:50
yeah yeah I had to just like do
00:17:53
something else yeah no I get it
00:17:55
and I have another thing that I do I
00:17:57
don't really talk about but if I'm on an
00:17:59
elevator and anyone over the age of 60
00:18:03
walks onto the elevator I'll hold your
00:18:05
breath no I'll get off the elevator
00:18:08
pure anytime every time why because
00:18:11
especially if I'm alone in the elevator
00:18:13
because if this person dies I'll
00:18:16
probably just leave yeah you're mean and
00:18:18
because I don't want to I don't know how
00:18:20
to call and I don't know what who to
00:18:22
call I don't know what papers to sign
00:18:24
I don't know who to interview I got [ __ ]
00:18:27
to do you don't have you don't have to
00:18:28
do almost any of that if you died in an
00:18:30
elevator and you're just by yourself you
00:18:33
have you can't just leave you would just
00:18:35
go somebody died in there and then
00:18:36
they'd show up and then the paramedics
00:18:38
help them okay so let's get this let's
00:18:40
play this out okay all right I'm in an
00:18:43
elevator
00:18:43
yeah old man walks in old man walks in
00:18:47
and he goes hello young man I was in the
00:18:51
Korean War
00:18:52
oh people always say something like that
00:18:54
or they always say you know I love that
00:18:57
Chinese restaurant down the street and
00:18:59
I'll be like okay cool dad right
00:19:08
elevator open I call is this the
00:19:16
hospital I don't know the call is this
00:19:18
hospital well you have to call 911 oh
00:19:21
[ __ ] that nine one one nine one yes
00:19:26
no man died what's the
00:19:29
address I gotta run outside I gotta look
00:19:34
at the address it's 5 5 4 4 3 what sure
00:19:40
what street are we on did a tamper lift
00:19:43
amberlynn what's de California it's
00:19:47
California
00:19:48
oh [ __ ] out for you cam Berlin 9 9 5 5 4
00:19:51
3 California can Berlin ok well then um
00:19:54
and listen we'll be there as soon as
00:19:56
possible
00:19:57
can I leave no you have to go back in
00:20:00
with the man going right now oh [ __ ] is
00:20:02
that run back end ok I gotta do
00:20:09
something I gotta put my mouth in his
00:20:11
mouth I'm leaving the elevator to go
00:20:27
back outside I'll probably have a
00:20:28
cigarette
00:20:29
it's now by this time though sir yeah
00:20:37
you the man they call the police
00:20:38
ok what happened the man where is he get
00:20:46
with me right now come on let's go Ching
00:20:49
is that him right there there's another
00:20:52
guy around the block I don't need your
00:20:54
attitude I'm just trying to find out how
00:20:55
this man died when he died did you make
00:20:57
him [ __ ] or poop you caused this man to
00:21:02
throw up and have diarrhea inside this
00:21:03
elevator you're under arrest
00:21:06
turn around you're under arrest what the
00:21:07
[ __ ] that's it that's what happened
00:21:12
that's why I don't want to be in the
00:21:13
elevator well that makes perfect sense
00:21:15
that makes perfect sense
00:21:17
no look at me Bob I'm being serious I
00:21:19
I'm gonna get out of an elevator the
00:21:20
next time I see an old man yeah 65 is a
00:21:22
little young though 70 makes 70 you know
00:21:25
what play it safe you know me and it's
00:21:27
like I hold my breath that's what I
00:21:28
thought you're gonna say that yeah I
00:21:30
don't like the way people smell I don't
00:21:32
like strong smells in a tight space yeah
00:21:34
so when I get an elevator people to
00:21:35
hotel I go and you hold your breath yep
00:21:39
until I get to my floor Wow I just don't
00:21:41
like people smell
00:21:42
I don't like to and you know when you
00:21:43
get an elevator and you can smell them
00:21:46
you'd smell them yeah yes I do it with a
00:21:49
certain ethnic group I don't want to get
00:21:51
into the yeah we should let's get right
00:21:52
into it I don't wanna which ones do you
00:21:54
not want to get into it because I don't
00:21:56
get in trouble
00:21:57
let me get can I guess if I guess I
00:22:00
guess we can play that come with this if
00:22:01
I guess it right you just touch the
00:22:02
table once okay black people okay
00:22:18
Mexicans okay anybody from Middle East
00:22:34
what about whites only people you don't
00:22:39
agents so it's only white people the
00:22:44
only people that you know I don't know
00:22:45
why it's maybe I'm like reverse racism
00:22:47
in my mind well uh white smell I'll
00:22:50
never forget the line that I'm kidding
00:22:51
you know that oh no no no it's like I
00:22:55
don't want people to go crazy what what
00:22:56
Shawn Wayans had a great line in don't
00:22:58
be a menace I think it was they were
00:23:00
like some I don't know how the scene got
00:23:02
to it but he goes why people all look
00:23:04
alike and they smell like Bologna and I
00:23:05
thought that was such a funny de smet
00:23:07
and or they all smell like Bologna yeah
00:23:09
and I was like do we smell like do we
00:23:10
smell like Bologna to me you guys smell
00:23:12
like I remember like um what do I smell
00:23:14
like to you you because I think you're
00:23:17
visual always affects the way you smell
00:23:20
alright just like food yeah it smells
00:23:22
like what you think um to me you're so
00:23:25
Americana to me so when I look at you I
00:23:27
smell a baseball glove like the leather
00:23:30
of the baseball glove love that yeah and
00:23:33
then mixed in with apple apple pie a
00:23:36
little bit and my first attempt I like
00:23:38
coffee like a Folgers coffee love candy
00:23:41
yeah yeah and then I also smelled a
00:23:44
little hint of the news of a news of a
00:23:49
news from hanging yeah from hanging
00:23:51
because I like hanging out hey because I
00:23:54
like hanging out
00:23:56
three whose you guys white people do do
00:23:59
you think I have do you think anybody in
00:24:01
my family owned slaves honestly yeah you
00:24:05
do
00:24:05
maybe I'm Irish and Italian you think
00:24:08
any of these these people own slaves
00:24:10
I'm not rich from the South I'm not like
00:24:12
a rich white guy from the south
00:24:14
I think if you go back maybe a little
00:24:16
bit maybe there you have one funky uncle
00:24:18
that like you know I mean did some funky
00:24:20
[ __ ] with some funky black people I
00:24:22
don't know we do have funky Frankie ah
00:24:24
yeah yeah maybe he did yeah I mean we I
00:24:27
guess you know if you there's literally
00:24:28
no history right there's probably some
00:24:31
you probably owned slaves your family
00:24:33
probably owned slaves in Korea
00:24:34
what door yeah yeah we in Slate yeah
00:24:37
they'll know the first of all for sixty
00:24:39
years Japan occupied Korea that's right
00:24:42
we were you guys had slaves Oh Koreans
00:24:44
had slaves like who Taiwanese no no we
00:24:50
never did we never occupied nobody you
00:24:52
never occupied anybody you know we were
00:24:53
oppressed you know we were we're always
00:24:55
that's why Koreans are so strong because
00:24:58
you're a survivor and we are resilient
00:25:02
people the koreans ever have slaves I
00:25:04
want to know that's insane that you what
00:25:06
would you even Google that the Google's
00:25:08
I could even know that slavery in Korea
00:25:12
slavery in Korea existed since antiquity
00:25:15
the practice of slavery in South Korea
00:25:16
is illegal the forms of modern slavery
00:25:18
such as human trafficking still exists
00:25:20
North Korea slavery is practiced by the
00:25:22
country's regime yeah in North Korea
00:25:24
yeah yeah well South Korea and media
00:25:27
reports the abuse and exploitation of
00:25:28
people with disabilities on rural
00:25:30
islands on rural islands they use yes so
00:25:39
you guys exploited disabled people on
00:25:41
rural Island salt farms in sinan County
00:25:43
and described as slavery [ __ ] you you
00:25:48
guys handy look at this you guys
00:25:50
exploited disabled people in salt farms
00:25:53
in sinan County and that's in 2015
00:25:56
five years ago so yeah you had slaves
00:25:59
you got him still
00:26:00
you take you mentally challenged people
00:26:02
and you make them work in the salt farms
00:26:04
what else is gonna do we do it here at
00:26:06
McDonald's
00:26:08
right here at McDonald's with the fry
00:26:11
guy
00:26:12
that's not slavery they pay him oh they
00:26:14
do yes they pay the [ __ ] by the way do
00:26:19
you even know what salt farms are I've
00:26:21
never heard of a salt farm in sinan
00:26:23
County oh it's literally just salt mine
00:26:24
look at how beautiful that facility is
00:26:26
oh yeah it looks nice to work everyone
00:26:27
so know what there's a little spa in
00:26:29
there this looks nice this looks like a
00:26:31
safe nice place to work yeah that looks
00:26:33
nice that's a beautiful salt for salt
00:26:35
form in Sinan County's been hewn disco
00:26:39
ride dude I didn't know that about her I
00:26:41
apologize on behalf of my people all
00:26:43
right we're sinan county by the way oh
00:26:46
it's the south south part of South Korea
00:26:47
the most southern south part of South
00:26:49
Korea yeah Bobby beaver sold stuff
00:26:52
online
00:26:53
all the time yeah we're selling online
00:26:57
getting your orders can be a real pain
00:26:59
can it not pain in the tush that's right
00:27:01
they can that's why you need shipstation
00:27:02
calm it's the fastest easiest and most
00:27:04
affordable way to manage and ship your
00:27:05
orders ship station helps you get orders
00:27:09
out quickly you save money on shipping
00:27:11
costs and keep your customers happy
00:27:12
everyone wants to be happy you don't
00:27:14
want negative reviews no matter what
00:27:15
you're selling on Amazon Etsy or your
00:27:17
own personal website ship station brings
00:27:18
all your orders into one simple
00:27:20
interface and it really does actually if
00:27:21
you've ever gone on there and looked
00:27:22
it's incredible it's very simple and
00:27:24
easy to use and they use all the major
00:27:26
carriers like you USPS FedEx UPS and
00:27:29
Amazon Fulfillment man that's right you
00:27:31
can compare and choose the best shipping
00:27:32
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00:27:34
huge discounts when you're shipping in
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massive bulk so do that if you're a
00:27:37
business and you need help shipping
00:27:39
stuff like shirts or cards whatever
00:27:41
personally here we use it here so please
00:27:43
use it it's well worth it because you
00:27:45
get a better deal when you ship out more
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there's no risk start your free trial
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whenever entering your card info go to
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00:28:06
microphone at the top at home paid and
00:28:08
type in that friends make ship happen
00:28:11
one dimension about all because we're
00:28:15
talking about older white people yeah I
00:28:17
always get you know I always get like
00:28:20
reformed why old white
00:28:22
like really old pie people try to talk
00:28:24
to me yeah like maybe like 40 or 50
00:28:27
years ago they were on the road like
00:28:29
yeah so I was at a Barnes & Noble like I
00:28:31
was in Idaho or something yeah to the
00:28:33
last the last one I guess yeah and this
00:28:35
old lady came up to me and she goes I
00:28:37
was reading him that wasn't reading a
00:28:39
book I was like reading a magazine
00:28:40
mm-hmm
00:28:42
hello young man and I go oh hi good
00:28:46
afternoon
00:28:49
what's your reading young man I just you
00:28:53
know my videogame magazine you like
00:28:56
watchin ya video game magazines yeah and
00:28:58
like whatever the next RPG is coming out
00:29:00
or whatever she gone oh you know my son
00:29:05
served in Vietnam very nice and my you
00:29:08
know my older brother you know served in
00:29:12
the Korean War and we just loved the
00:29:14
food and they just bring up all this
00:29:17
[ __ ] like relationship yeah and you
00:29:20
know I love the Hello Kitty's that help
00:29:24
you guys these are all complement it's
00:29:30
like hey lady back up all right you
00:29:34
don't want her compliments she loves
00:29:35
Hello they're not that I it's like I'm
00:29:37
just talked to me normal bra
00:29:40
what would normal be that's all she
00:29:42
knows no she she could just say you know
00:29:44
oh that's nice golden goose shoes you're
00:29:47
wearing she doesn't know if she and I'll
00:29:50
be like oh yeah they're 850 bucks thank
00:29:52
you I got him Beverly Hills Beverly here
00:29:57
yeah she's okay hello nice little asian
00:30:01
boy I like the shape of your body you
00:30:06
know my brother fought in the war and so
00:30:09
did my father yeah and I've got to tell
00:30:12
you they hate you slants but I love you
00:30:15
people
00:30:16
I think that's baby hidden behind she
00:30:21
what she's trying to say is I'm not
00:30:23
racist but she's trying to say like my
00:30:26
history is racist yeah but I'm trying to
00:30:28
not be yeah it's nice she's trying she's
00:30:32
an idiot but she's trying yeah and
00:30:34
that's why I don't like I don't
00:30:36
them off I'm always like very kind well
00:30:40
in those situations because you know I
00:30:41
am you know a living human being living
00:30:45
amongst in a society and I am NOT a
00:30:47
crazy person because what are you gonna
00:30:49
do you can't teach her you can't be like
00:30:50
you can't like oh hey lady that's stupid
00:30:53
and racist cuz she'll go what I know I
00:30:56
can't say like hey lady you know I just
00:30:58
be real
00:30:59
I've had like 20,000 white chicks like
00:31:01
it just nothing inside them yeah yeah so
00:31:04
it's like you know that's a mindset is
00:31:06
that like a thing to tell her that
00:31:08
you're like I I know that's a deep down
00:31:11
inside I wanted to say that I'm not like
00:31:13
a ching chong 'hey you know me asian guy
00:31:16
that you're just like everyone else
00:31:19
yeah yeah okay well look I just think
00:31:22
she's trying she's I mean she trucks
00:31:26
she's trying right don't you think don't
00:31:28
you give her a little credits why I'm
00:31:29
always nice I mean she made the effort
00:31:31
right I remember also she went to her
00:31:34
car and then she tried to come to me
00:31:37
because she saw me sitting on the curb
00:31:39
outside this Barnes & Noble uh-huh but I
00:31:42
could see her like turn around look at
00:31:44
me and like do the thinking like I
00:31:46
should tell me what this little change
00:31:49
oh yeah and then she turned around
00:31:55
taking forever to get to me right
00:31:57
because she was gonna walk in my head
00:31:59
sitting there yeah it's going freaking
00:32:04
out yes do you do you find that old peep
00:32:08
are people in general I have a very go
00:32:11
ahead and ask me face for some reason
00:32:13
dude anyone any anywhere I am in the
00:32:16
country in the world people will ask me
00:32:18
for directions or they'll ask me a
00:32:20
question about do you know where
00:32:21
so-and-so is and they ask me every time
00:32:24
yeah I've never gotten that why do you
00:32:27
think why do people I just look
00:32:28
untrustworthy and I look confused
00:32:30
okay but if you saw me on the street why
00:32:31
do you think you'd ask me where a thing
00:32:33
was yeah because you look like a um oh
00:32:35
no I'm just saying I'm being real I know
00:32:37
I'm mister you look like at 1940s
00:32:40
captain of some sort of like ship like a
00:32:43
British ship right where are you you
00:32:47
just have your face it's like you have
00:32:50
the kind of face like if I was at a
00:32:51
hotel like I'm really old hotel like the
00:32:53
shining and I would look at and I would
00:32:55
I'm like you have the type of face like
00:32:57
I'd look at an old photo and go and the
00:33:01
underneath it says 1929 right right like
00:33:04
you could yeah I've been around for a
00:33:06
long time
00:33:06
it seems immortal like yo do you think
00:33:10
maybe I'm you think I've lived and died
00:33:11
so maybe you're like a Highlander Sean
00:33:13
Connery vibe you have that kind of odd
00:33:14
yeah yeah how old do you think how old
00:33:17
do you think what do I look like that do
00:33:18
I look like because I just gave you a
00:33:20
couple of compliment kind of yes I would
00:33:22
like to maybe you know you look like um
00:33:25
if I saw you on the street and I had no
00:33:27
idea who you were and I saw your cute
00:33:29
little smiley face
00:33:30
give me smile there it is yeah if I saw
00:33:34
you on the street doing that I'd go that
00:33:36
looks like a jolly fun man a fun guy who
00:33:39
also who also looks a little lost you
00:33:42
always kind of look lost because you do
00:33:45
this a lot you turn you walk away and
00:33:46
then you turn and then you walk another
00:33:48
way I don't think you ever really know
00:33:50
where you're going have no idea which is
00:33:51
really nice yeah so I would never ask
00:33:53
you for directions yeah but I'd also go
00:33:55
I bet you that guy's great on an
00:33:56
adventure okay I would never follow you
00:33:58
into the woods because I think we'd get
00:34:01
lost but not nothing else well I think
00:34:05
we'd have good sex but we could do that
00:34:06
otherwise
00:34:07
oh no no no no no no oh yeah I don't
00:34:10
think you would want me in the woods I
00:34:11
don't think that you would want me
00:34:12
survival wise no I you wouldn't want me
00:34:15
like on a deserted I like you and I
00:34:17
let's say you and I are playing a plane
00:34:19
crash were the only survivors we you and
00:34:21
I end up on a deserted island okay
00:34:22
you wouldn't want I would be the last
00:34:24
person you'd want there why because I
00:34:26
would have to say you know tribal real
00:34:27
quick you try to kill me yeah it like as
00:34:30
soon as we got on the beach you'd look
00:34:33
up I'd be completely naked with a spear
00:34:34
trying to I'd have like like some sort
00:34:36
of like makeup on my face and I speak
00:34:40
the language immediately yeah
00:34:41
immediately yeah Wow I'd be all ready
00:34:43
like you know like in Return of the Jedi
00:34:46
when they took a han Solo and they were
00:34:50
in the rotisserie the Ewoks oh yeah yeah
00:34:52
you've been already in that yeah I mean
00:34:53
so you would kill me you think you'd
00:34:55
kill me my whole thing is I think see my
00:34:58
scenarios we crash on an island I'm I
00:35:00
have
00:35:01
gather and collect everything because
00:35:02
you're laying down your you're finding a
00:35:06
way to play candy crush on the sand yes
00:35:08
and no I would need to probably rest
00:35:11
because I would honestly like honestly I
00:35:14
would be like on the beach like this and
00:35:16
I'd be the first probably sunburn as
00:35:18
[ __ ] see I would I would and then I'd be
00:35:20
looking up and you're like chopping
00:35:21
things down I'd be climbing a tree get
00:35:23
my coconuts right and I just be Liz
00:35:25
Lange and I would probably comfortably
00:35:26
in my life like see after two days of no
00:35:32
water and you not doing anything to try
00:35:33
to get food for us yeah I would have one
00:35:35
of those nightmares in the middle of the
00:35:36
night where I grab a coconut and I smash
00:35:38
it over your head because I think he's
00:35:40
got protein I can eat him without a
00:35:43
doubt yeah you know I would see you and
00:35:45
I go cuz I'd lose a lot of weight really
00:35:46
fast because I knew that I would know
00:35:48
that about you said you I had already
00:35:50
three yeah yeah I'd already have the
00:35:52
spear ready to go really right over at
00:35:54
the moment I died are you gonna try to
00:35:56
eat me I'd probably [ __ ] you first [ __ ]
00:35:59
me in any way when the body is warm yeah
00:36:01
yeah me it's still warm so you'd [ __ ] me
00:36:03
because I probably won't have a wormhole
00:36:05
for a very long time I can promise you
00:36:07
that when I kill you I won't eat you I
00:36:08
won't [ __ ] you yeah oh really I wouldn't
00:36:10
[ __ ] you would it be funny if I thought
00:36:12
you ate you and then walked across to
00:36:14
the island as a resort just in Maui yeah
00:36:22
I'm in Maui and they're like why is that
00:36:24
naked guy with the spear with the big
00:36:25
blood dripping and just like yeah guys
00:36:28
have red hairs in his teeth and his dick
00:36:33
is out yeah what I would probably do
00:36:35
then in that case I would be like I
00:36:37
probably I would say I do plane crash I
00:36:42
was on the beach alone and they'd go but
00:36:45
you didn't see the lights from the
00:36:46
resort right over the hill yeah but up
00:36:48
there like with is there any other
00:36:49
survivors I think no there's no other
00:36:51
survivors no no no no I was blood all
00:36:53
over you did you my own blood let me see
00:36:55
you don't have any cuts on you at all
00:36:56
internal bleeding it's coming out
00:36:59
internal blood is coming out
00:37:00
okay well take it to a hospital yeah
00:37:02
they're like why is your dick with [ __ ]
00:37:05
on it why is your dick at poop all eyes
00:37:08
I have reverse groans oh it comes out
00:37:11
like makeup of disease reverse reverse
00:37:14
right and they and the doctors of course
00:37:16
would go right we've heard of reverse
00:37:17
price
00:37:18
that's when poop comes out of your
00:37:19
pee-pee okay so real quick Bob I want to
00:37:22
do a little fun segment this is your
00:37:25
bits today I love it I really do like
00:37:27
the bits I love your little bits weight
00:37:29
but here but this is not really me it's
00:37:30
more this is for you to read don't read
00:37:33
it yet don't read it yet this is uh this
00:37:36
is for you guys so you know Andres is
00:37:38
the new is our newbie you know that's
00:37:41
with us and he I feel like he's perfect
00:37:44
to read us some of the news headlines of
00:37:46
the day and he wrote these jokes
00:37:48
Andres wrote all these jokes himself he
00:37:50
wrote jokes he wrote all these jokes but
00:37:52
he's not a joke right yeah yes he is
00:37:54
let's listen to some of this stuff so
00:37:55
understand I got it now yeah look at it
00:37:57
but don't read it let him read these you
00:37:58
can just see what the topics are in case
00:37:59
you can't make out what he's saying
00:38:00
because he's you know okay Andres go
00:38:04
ahead okay okay guys welcome back to
00:38:07
this edition of malice amigos news I'm
00:38:10
and arrow Cindy and here are some top
00:38:12
stories in broken English way old on
00:38:15
yeah you got to say it you got a project
00:38:18
let's make that this is a segment under
00:38:20
a so you got to go
00:38:21
welcome back to this edition of malice
00:38:23
amigos news I'm Andres result and heroes
00:38:26
yeah you're a news person news person
00:38:28
imagine this is live yeah we're hiring
00:38:31
you yeah we're hiring you man so they so
00:38:33
if you want a job let's go alright here
00:38:35
we go let's let's be camera but let's
00:38:36
pretend a world show alright guys get
00:38:38
the cameras go are the sound every wound
00:38:40
up and so and five four three two dress
00:38:49
welcome back to this edition of malice
00:38:52
amigas nurse I'm a better person then
00:38:54
here are some top stories in broken
00:38:56
English Harvey once then fell and hit
00:38:58
his head in jail while trying to walk
00:39:01
rather than use his wheelchair but at
00:39:03
least now his head will be throbbing and
00:39:06
not his bath butthole really so Harvey
00:39:12
Weinstein hit his head and fell in jail
00:39:13
did you know that no that's a real thing
00:39:15
and they gave him 26 years today in
00:39:17
prison oh he's done he's done yeah yeah
00:39:20
he's did lawyer said he's not gonna last
00:39:21
five years they go he'll never last five
00:39:23
years and the judge was like too bad 26
00:39:25
and he's in Rikers Island bro Rikers
00:39:28
Island oh my I met dude imagine he's
00:39:31
done I mean but it's them that like it's
00:39:34
like imagine owning Miramax yeah you're
00:39:37
the top guy like Brad Pitt everybody
00:39:40
wants to be around you every celebrity
00:39:42
ever worked with you you're the king
00:39:44
George Clooney Ben Affleck Matt Damon
00:39:46
all the everybody everybody and you just
00:39:49
he just you know why would you rape wise
00:39:52
rape in your head isn't that weird all
00:39:55
that power and he had to write I would
00:39:56
[ __ ] just wouldn't you just get hookers
00:39:58
with all that money I would just define
00:40:00
the hottest girl on planet earth I mean
00:40:03
you could get uh-huh right and just go
00:40:05
that's it yeah I'm a billionaire I'm a
00:40:08
billionaire Hey and then you can maybe
00:40:10
cheat on the side and have mistresses
00:40:12
even if look at it like this even if the
00:40:15
hottest girl was like I still don't to
00:40:16
have sex with you and you're that rich
00:40:17
just by prostitutes I would buy them for
00:40:21
the rest of my life that you could buy
00:40:22
the hottest girls in the war planet and
00:40:25
you could pay them just to hang out I
00:40:26
know I don't get it all right let's go
00:40:28
to the next Joe come on overhead loud
00:40:30
and go projected low energy energy
00:40:32
you're not loud enough energy yeah
00:40:34
conspiracy theorists go go ahead
00:40:36
conspiracy theories Alex Jones got a DUI
00:40:40
in Texas and even though he blew under
00:40:43
the legal limit he called the cops Gail
00:40:46
is her so they had to book him they know
00:40:49
it's book him Danno
00:40:52
book him Danno book him Danno was from
00:40:55
the movie no it's from Hawaii five-o
00:40:59
y500 welcome Dan ow yeah Alex Jones got
00:41:03
a DUI in Texas he blew under the legal
00:41:05
limit do you know that he's gonna get
00:41:06
out he's trying to get out of it cuz
00:41:07
he's saying it's a point oh wait he blew
00:41:09
a point oh seven nine yeah
00:41:10
and he's saying they booked him because
00:41:12
he's a conspiracy theorist that you know
00:41:13
the sandy the only reason why the guy is
00:41:14
famous is because we taught people talk
00:41:16
about him yeah but he says crazy things
00:41:18
he does he's that he you know what once
00:41:20
he said that like what's it that's cool
00:41:24
sandy sandy hook was a hoax I know he
00:41:27
said as soon as that jumps the he they
00:41:30
should just shut everything off every
00:41:32
Mike should been taken away from him he
00:41:34
has no more credibility crazy
00:41:36
it's insane hey Bobby Bobby you son of a
00:41:38
[ __ ]
00:41:38
talk me about that of Sandy Hook is a
00:41:40
real thing Bob Hope you like yeah well
00:41:42
you know then what happened to the
00:41:44
[ __ ] kids those are all actors
00:41:46
they're all actors everything yeah
00:41:47
they're all actors you don't know
00:41:49
because you're part of the lizard
00:41:50
community here in Hollister all right
00:41:52
let's hear the next one okay so Andrew
00:41:55
Yan officially endorsed Joe Biden this
00:41:58
is sad it's just another young nation
00:42:00
boy being manipulated but I'm not an old
00:42:02
rich white man giving up on the jokes
00:42:06
say again nice and clear nice and
00:42:09
smoother try it again come on here we go
00:42:10
cambro andrew yang go ahead and Rihanna
00:42:14
fishel endorses Joe Biden this is sad is
00:42:16
this another young nation boy be
00:42:18
manipulated by an old rich white man
00:42:20
Andrew yang it's that's ridiculous
00:42:22
that's a good joke it's just another
00:42:24
young asian boy being manipulated by an
00:42:26
old rich white man that's a funny joke
00:42:27
Andres that's very good who wrote he
00:42:30
wrote all these jokes it's all my you
00:42:33
wrote he wrote all of these job really
00:42:35
well-crafted mm-hm yeah it's the point
00:42:39
of view are you anxious that's a good
00:42:41
job it is pretty good job that's a great
00:42:42
joke but the thing but the truth of the
00:42:44
matter is is that it's like it's just
00:42:45
another Asian boy being manipulated by
00:42:47
the old rich white man honestly Andrew
00:42:49
Yang endorsing Joe Biden made a lot of
00:42:50
people upset for some reason whatever
00:42:53
they're gonna who cares oh well if you
00:42:57
want to get some food in your belly easy
00:42:59
convenient to your door why don't you
00:43:01
use door - I used door - all the time my
00:43:05
friend yeah it's incredible delivery is
00:43:06
more than just beats do you yeah I get
00:43:08
like this Mexican restaurant by my house
00:43:11
I love that I love it so much yeah
00:43:13
you've got big plans for 2020 and if you
00:43:15
can't find time to do it you should
00:43:17
download get some door - day is
00:43:21
approaching and if you don't make
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sometimes you forget to make
00:43:24
reservations now so don't settle for the
00:43:26
last table available treat your date to
00:43:28
delivery with door - at home that's what
00:43:30
I do Valentine's Day already past in the
00:43:35
next Valentine's Day because they have
00:43:37
them every year no oh they do yeah yeah
00:43:40
Valentine's Day every year huh well
00:43:41
that's the next one just prepare and
00:43:43
just okay - well look door - brings all
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of America's flavors to your front door
00:43:47
ordering is very simple open up the app
00:43:48
choose what you want your food gonna
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come to you you don't
00:43:52
move sit on the couch get fat get lazy
00:43:55
USA's Puerto Rico Canada Australia you
00:43:59
can order all over the world you mean
00:44:01
like restaurants like Chipotle Wendy's
00:44:02
chick-fil-a and the Cheesecake Factory
00:44:04
Cheesecake Factory has so much to eat by
00:44:06
the way how could you not find something
00:44:08
that you want on there with door - you
00:44:10
never have to worry about where your
00:44:11
next meal is coming from
00:44:11
you don't have to hunt like Bobby luck
00:44:13
doesn't like you can do yourself a
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favorite download door - so right now
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our listeners I get five dollars off
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enter the code bad friend get it you
00:44:33
know I'm I prefer Bernie over Biden
00:44:36
right I do I just yeah that's fine yeah
00:44:39
all right you do lean in a weird way but
00:44:42
um I don't like this before
00:44:44
I like none of these people I know I
00:44:46
don't I don't either you're all just
00:44:49
[ __ ] puppets yeah I don't like him
00:44:50
right there's a guy behind the guy I
00:44:52
think Joe Biden is a hack and I think
00:44:53
Bernie's a psychopath I think all of
00:44:54
them are what don't say that off their
00:44:56
rocker yeah don't say I gotta make
00:44:57
school for free they're all crazy anyway
00:45:02
go ahead now Ellen dress if this is not
00:45:05
clear and [ __ ] you know mean and you
00:45:08
don't sell the jokey part of it you
00:45:10
gotta sell it - I'm gonna fire you okay
00:45:12
all right so louder louder clearer and
00:45:15
more angst no ganks gusto oomph oomph
00:45:19
yeah what's Guster what's gusto in
00:45:22
Spanish how do you say gusto
00:45:23
what's bravado bravado Roboto Roboto
00:45:27
okay here we go don't blush you they
00:45:30
don't blush we're not we're not angry
00:45:31
okay let's go commercial airline sighs
00:45:35
all right stop stop I'm sorry dude up to
00:45:42
your you're really pissing off the boss
00:45:43
here pal I'm just letting you know bad
00:45:45
idea and race ondrea's hmm I saw you a
00:45:49
couple days ago I was really nice to you
00:45:51
yeah he was was I not we hugged you get
00:45:53
that sweater on we did a couple like you
00:45:56
know me pumps or whatever mm-hmm and I
00:45:58
don't do that with everyone you know I
00:46:00
there's something about you that I
00:46:01
really like right but if you're not your
00:46:04
make you're taking
00:46:05
way yeah you know I mean and you're
00:46:07
putting hate in there he's diminishing
00:46:09
this you're diminishing it so just
00:46:11
really vocalize and commit come in okay
00:46:15
go ahead
00:46:15
come on in come on add action commercial
00:46:18
airlines are seeing a massive dip in
00:46:20
travel and subsequently the private jet
00:46:22
business is booming also subsequently
00:46:24
private jet is the nickname I use for my
00:46:27
penis and let me tell you business is
00:46:30
booming
00:46:34
that's a good job that's a really good
00:46:39
job yeah it's a very by the way did you
00:46:42
say penis it says pen name what is pen a
00:46:44
penis in Spanish it is oh that's funny
00:46:46
that's really funny and let me tell you
00:46:48
what I'm saying once you if you would
00:46:49
have said that with low energy you're a
00:46:51
good coach because that worked yeah it
00:46:53
would in a world god that's really funny
00:46:55
yeah so commercial trust me from now on
00:46:57
I do okay thank you
00:46:58
commercial airlines are having a dead
00:47:00
understand a word he says yeah private
00:47:03
jets are going up we should take only
00:47:04
private jets you want to take a private
00:47:05
jet with me somewhere no because that's
00:47:07
how Buddy Holly died we and Otis Redding
00:47:10
and Big Dipper yeah yeah god that's so
00:47:14
sad all those people yeah but they died
00:47:15
back when it was like the pilots were
00:47:17
drunk they flew in the fog they don't do
00:47:19
that stuff anymore would you rather take
00:47:21
a helicopter or a private jet you
00:47:25
private jet yeah after that whole thing
00:47:27
put up my dad said buzzing do you hear
00:47:30
that there's a buzzing yeah yeah oh
00:47:31
there it is it's gone now yeah if that's
00:47:33
the thing it's like I would I would take
00:47:35
a private jet over a helicopter
00:47:36
helicopters scare the [ __ ] they scared
00:47:37
me before Kobe died I think I think that
00:47:39
they're both of those though like I
00:47:42
think helicopters are more dangerous and
00:47:43
I mean they are literally don't know the
00:47:46
facts I did I looked it up after Kobe
00:47:48
died isn't Hawaii like before Kobe died
00:47:49
in Hawaii a whole family died
00:47:52
you know I mean from a helicopter crash
00:47:54
yeah I think it happens more often than
00:47:58
we know how many helicopter crashes are
00:48:00
there here look at this in the last
00:48:02
decade more than 380 people have died in
00:48:05
helicopter accidents meanwhile there are
00:48:06
over 47,000 xnc reasons and involving
00:48:08
airplanes in the US airspace so I guess
00:48:11
it's more common to die in an airplane
00:48:14
accidents but that's only because
00:48:16
there's way more airplane flights than
00:48:18
helicopter I don't
00:48:19
this isn't even you know I mean right I
00:48:21
hear that buzzing again by the way I
00:48:22
don't know why that's got to be a cord
00:48:24
or something well why do you get so
00:48:25
angry just let it buzz or not you know I
00:48:27
mean I just don't like the but it's like
00:48:28
can you not you know but there's a way
00:48:30
to say okay here let me can I say it
00:48:31
again yeah hey guys there's a little bit
00:48:33
buzzing in the headphones could we check
00:48:34
that out and make sure that it's not
00:48:35
buzzing anymore was that a little bit
00:48:36
better or no that's better thank you
00:48:37
yeah
00:48:38
okay so let's move on to the next one I
00:48:39
want to go I want to go to the next one
00:48:41
Amadeus go to the next one um
00:48:44
that joke was really good by the way he
00:48:46
calls his penis up ride the private jet
00:48:48
what we should do that's very finding
00:48:49
next week when I should get together in
00:48:51
a coffee shop yeah and write a stand-up
00:48:54
act for Andre Andre I know and have
00:48:57
Andria's do a stand-up act with jokes
00:49:00
that we wrote for us yeah and just do a
00:49:02
little show for us with the accent he
00:49:04
can't read it off the thing he has to
00:49:05
memorize there no he's never gonna be
00:49:07
able to do that he's gonna do it he can
00:49:09
barely read it off the thing now all
00:49:10
right maybe you wrote these jokes oh
00:49:12
yeah yeah that's crazy okay so you can
00:49:14
have a cheat sheet but like you gotta
00:49:16
get whatever give him cue cards you and
00:49:17
I can give him cue cards that's right
00:49:20
okay well give it will give you cue
00:49:21
cards that sound good yes all right so
00:49:23
Andres let's hear the next one what is
00:49:25
it energy energy energy President Donald
00:49:29
Trump is refusing to get tested for
00:49:31
coronavirus even though he was exposed
00:49:33
to it recently when asked why he won't
00:49:36
get tested for the virus reply only
00:49:38
[ __ ] blacks gays and Jews are going
00:49:40
to get it I'm gonna be fine that's a
00:49:46
pretty edgy joke that's a little the
00:49:50
accent was really good came to the Trump
00:49:51
thing it's true just a plain white mr.
00:49:54
president as a president why aren't you
00:49:55
gonna get tested for the virus loud
00:49:56
let's hear what he said and go with
00:49:58
vigor go ahead why are you gonna test it
00:49:59
sir only be nerds and blacks and gays
00:50:02
and Jews are gonna get it I'm gonna be
00:50:04
fine that's a better I can't do better
00:50:06
that's a really good tries a really good
00:50:08
Spanish Trump I like that that's a
00:50:10
really good stump Trump all right do
00:50:11
what actually say that though did he
00:50:13
Trump he did Trump did he get on CNN he
00:50:18
goes only [ __ ] blacks gays and Jews
00:50:20
are gonna get it what's the next one um
00:50:24
energy energy energy energy okay
00:50:27
rare white dragon odd yeah again can't
00:50:31
stumble
00:50:31
yeah stumble
00:50:32
okay rare why giraffes were killed by
00:50:36
poachers in Kenya the Wildlife
00:50:38
Foundation is this is disgusted with the
00:50:40
act but I for one I see the justice it's
00:50:44
time for the giraffe gentrification to
00:50:45
stop keep the white giraffes out of our
00:50:47
neighborhoods that's good it's really
00:50:53
good it's really good really good let's
00:50:55
hear the next one that's by the way the
00:50:56
white giraffe do you know that they
00:50:57
that's a true story - white drafts were
00:50:59
found killed by poachers and they're
00:51:00
like there's only so many left yes
00:51:03
Dustin I think there's a dry no to that
00:51:05
what was the white rhino that's like
00:51:07
that no longer exists oh that yak kid I
00:51:09
got killed off yeah but I mean I think
00:51:11
there's no that's not because you know
00:51:12
drafts it's not like poachers are like
00:51:15
let's kill that white drought because we
00:51:18
hate white giraffes it's because I think
00:51:20
wife giraffes and like white rhinos are
00:51:22
more coveted right and more expensive
00:51:26
probably yeah I guess maybe I don't know
00:51:29
but the to kill them it said it said
00:51:31
that they found them and they had that
00:51:32
that it indicated that they killed them
00:51:34
weeks before yeah so they killed them
00:51:36
left them there for weeks yeah that's it
00:51:38
I mean let me ask you about just a side
00:51:39
note because I know you you hang out
00:51:41
with buff eyes and because buff ives
00:51:43
likes to hunt buffaloes to hunt yeah
00:51:46
yeah yeah so tell people who buff eyes
00:51:48
this no we'll just go by that's fine and
00:51:50
buff eyes um so how do you feel about
00:51:53
hunting what do you mean how do I feel
00:51:55
about it is he enjoys it and yeah he has
00:51:57
you know he is I don't want to feel I
00:51:58
don't do it would you ever hunt anything
00:52:00
um yeah if I was gonna eat it 100%
00:52:03
yeah but my point is is that you just go
00:52:05
to the restaurant no no people hunted
00:52:08
Morton's people hunt cuz it's a fun
00:52:10
sport and then if you eat it and you
00:52:11
purpose it as something then then it
00:52:13
seems but you totally find a sport part
00:52:15
you know I mean to me it's like are you
00:52:18
doing it as survival cuz you want to eat
00:52:21
no it's not because you get excited to
00:52:24
kill something that was once they came
00:52:26
out with his family out on the [ __ ]
00:52:28
grazing that's why most hunters like
00:52:29
hunting
00:52:30
I don't really hunt but I don't care
00:52:32
that people do as long as you eat it and
00:52:34
purposes cuz I always think that like
00:52:35
you know because I know that like I
00:52:37
could have time to hunt where am I gonna
00:52:38
hunt them in Los Angeles I don't know if
00:52:42
one day they said all right
00:52:43
there's no more meat you got to hunt you
00:52:45
for your own meat I would probably take
00:52:46
an oven mitt a Swiss Army knife out into
00:52:50
the pasture and just jab a cow in its
00:52:54
ass I don't know what to do that's right
00:52:55
you have a count its ass yeah yeah
00:52:56
that's it
00:52:57
all right go ahead go ahead all right
00:53:00
well hey Bob coaching coach oh go new
00:53:04
Chlamydia species were discovered deep
00:53:06
under the Artic ocean which can only
00:53:08
mean one thing
00:53:09
that Jamaican crab Sebastian is at it
00:53:12
again read that one slower yeah that's
00:53:16
really good they'll read that one that's
00:53:18
a good job yeah yeah the whole thing no
00:53:23
no chlamydia species were discovered
00:53:25
deep under the ocean or download our new
00:53:27
chlamydia species was nice and slow
00:53:30
louder that's cuz they speak so fast in
00:53:32
there like just nice and slow a Spaniard
00:53:37
here we go
00:53:38
new chlamydia species were discovered
00:53:40
deep under the Arctic Ocean same goes
00:53:43
for same he goes fast new chlamydia
00:53:45
sisters will discover deep on the Arctic
00:53:46
Ocean go ahead which can only mean one
00:53:48
thing that Jamaican bastard crab
00:53:51
Sebastian is at it again alright let's
00:53:58
hear the next two we only got two more
00:53:59
left on dress.you really you're
00:54:00
murdering it yeah how long did it take
00:54:02
you to write these be honest a lot like
00:54:03
two days two days that's pretty good
00:54:05
though yeah how many go one two three
00:54:07
four five six seven eight nine or items
00:54:09
ten [ __ ] up like ten jokes in two days
00:54:11
is really good you're not gonna write
00:54:12
them off [ __ ] up job I know okay let's
00:54:14
go what's the next one a nice and slow
00:54:16
but okay the NHL made history when they
00:54:23
use an all-female crew to broadcast the
00:54:26
game on International Women's Day these
00:54:28
are a strong women
00:54:29
they made it through three brutally
00:54:32
bloody periods a dress that's very good
00:54:40
very good all right the joke that you
00:54:45
wrote explain me the joke why it's funny
00:54:47
explain that any joked about yeah well
00:54:50
because it's a it's a game that is
00:54:53
bloody but also a period means also like
00:54:57
you know that time of the month when I
00:54:59
got one bear we go that very good see
00:55:01
here he did write it yeah I know he what
00:55:03
do you mean he didn't know I'm just
00:55:04
questioning cuz it to me I seem like
00:55:06
something that he would write well he
00:55:08
what does he know about the energy
00:55:09
here's here's what here's what George
00:55:11
said I said how are these jokes and
00:55:12
George goes here's the thing he he knows
00:55:14
how to write English better than to say
00:55:16
it so he can write English obviously
00:55:20
obviously okay but honestly speaking it
00:55:23
is this is not Charter right all right
00:55:26
let's you're the last one that's your
00:55:27
last dinger
00:55:28
okay ready for the last one yeah but but
00:55:31
Bob yeah okay there's another guy that
00:55:43
there's two guys that we found so guys
00:55:46
we got on we got on LinkedIn so this is
00:55:48
your last shot so really celebrate five
00:55:50
four three police capture a yellow labs
00:55:54
that beat and kill a Dutch Han and fight
00:55:58
and beat five people when asked to
00:56:00
comment the dog said hey it's a dog by
00:56:03
dog world can I read it as you yes
00:56:11
please
00:56:12
ready police capture a yellow lab
00:56:16
they're beat and kill a duck hunt and
00:56:18
beat five people when I stopped coming
00:56:21
the dog said hey it's a dog by dog world
00:56:26
he's a really good joke let's give it a
00:56:28
friend so good you're so [ __ ] good
00:56:33
these are really really good that's that
00:56:36
is a good look I think the next thing
00:56:37
we're gonna do is we're gonna write a
00:56:38
bunch of stand-up bits for him down here
00:56:42
on the show yeah we should do also
00:56:44
different styles we should do like you
00:56:46
know a tail like switches and stuff
00:56:49
she's saying it's right different sounds
00:56:50
for him each week no no we'll just in
00:56:52
the act will do like he has to do
00:56:54
impressions oh yeah yeah yeah yeah right
00:56:57
some observation humor can you do
00:57:00
impressions I don't think so but sure
00:57:03
okay well how about what what's an
00:57:05
impression that we think he could do
00:57:06
though that's the problem can you do
00:57:09
Christopher Walken
00:57:10
yeah he's a stansson standard easy one
00:57:12
that's like an entry level how about
00:57:14
Robert De Niro are you talking to me
00:57:17
[Laughter]
00:57:20
everything's gonna sound like Pablo
00:57:22
Escobar yeah can you do Pablo Escobar do
00:57:25
him uh uh yeah I don't have to make an
00:57:29
accent I think yes there is go get the
00:57:32
cocaine lot o Plomo bla bla mo what is
00:57:36
that what does that mean that's like
00:57:38
either you take the money or it's let or
00:57:42
money let or money Oh boom boom pow
00:57:45
how about Joan Rivers go oh yeah that
00:57:47
one's easy for easy come on yeah
00:57:49
I I don't think I talk can we talk dude
00:57:57
it's so good it's it's literally and
00:57:58
anybody and everybody at the same time
00:58:00
can you do can you do can you impression
00:58:02
of me or Bobby do an impression of me do
00:58:05
one of me try one try one of me first go
00:58:08
ahead come on
00:58:11
no dead air baby um Bobby what why you
00:58:16
have to be like that that's good that's
00:58:18
very good now do wanna Bob do one of me
00:58:20
yeah you're an [ __ ] to me that's
00:58:26
really good that's really really good I
00:58:30
just want just one last thing under
00:58:32
there yes I want you to do an Asian
00:58:35
accent just one so I want you to say um
00:58:42
a you touch you by but in it so I'm a
00:58:46
guy I'm walking in a liquor store your
00:58:49
liquor store no right so I'm like you
00:58:51
know me so you see the phrases you break
00:58:53
you buy right yeah you touch you buy
00:58:54
well let's let's give him some reference
00:58:55
for it I'm gonna play that scene of you
00:58:57
break you buy
00:58:58
all right so then you can you you you
00:59:02
break you buy do you understand what
00:59:03
this is in reference to or no I do okay
00:59:06
so you know it's like there's like a
00:59:07
very okay I didn't even know this is in
00:59:09
a movie it's just well don't be a menace
00:59:10
had it so here this is this is a scene
00:59:12
in don't be a menace and they joked
00:59:16
about this this is a common phrase do
00:59:18
you understand you know the background
00:59:19
of this I just watch I think I do okay
00:59:28
[Music]
00:59:30
turn it up a little bit this is a great
00:59:40
scene then walking into a Korean
00:59:43
convenience store and the white guy is
00:59:46
stealing is so good
00:59:58
hurry up and buy there's one hurry up
01:00:03
and buy okay hurry up and buy you got it
01:00:08
I got it the white guy just steals the
01:00:22
money right out of the register hey you
01:00:28
jump something there we go very funny
01:00:31
very funny
01:00:36
that's your well let's say the final
01:00:38
version of it where is it coming Hey all
01:00:45
right what I'm talking you how much for
01:00:47
this candy bar $5
01:00:49
what better give me some sucky sucky
01:00:51
with death flat on it Jesus Christ all
01:00:55
right you heard it you break you buy
01:00:56
hurry up and buy uh-huh so do that best
01:00:58
impression for Bob Bob wants to hear you
01:01:00
do though so go ahead hurry up and buy
01:01:03
with an Asian accent nine yours go ahead
01:01:05
that was my son
01:01:07
Hayati really work for you really good
01:01:09
really good really work for it you
01:01:12
taught to you by you gotta get smaller
01:01:17
you did it really you went like this you
01:01:18
want by watching that [ __ ] with that
01:01:20
clip yeah from don't be a man escape
01:01:21
imagine when I came to LA yeah those are
01:01:26
the only parts available yeah that's
01:01:28
that's what that is it crazy to think
01:01:30
that like back in the day Ali Wong all
01:01:33
these like you know these whoa
01:01:35
new Asians you know aquafina right that
01:01:38
they would have to wait in line to do
01:01:40
hurry up hurry up and buy Wow was the
01:01:42
only available thing
01:01:44
yeah that's Chi mean that's very easy to
01:01:46
think what was what was um what was the
01:01:49
name of but that is I mean but to be
01:01:52
fair didn't you play some of those
01:01:54
characters on MADtv you would do [ __ ]
01:01:58
like that right so it's a but I would
01:02:00
yeah but I would do it to the point
01:02:02
where like you ever see Johnny GaN yeah
01:02:05
to go to YouTube you've seen Johnny GaN
01:02:07
hold on let me see don't be a menace I
01:02:09
just want to see the name of this poor
01:02:11
woman that did that hurry up and buy
01:02:12
scene yeah and I want to see if perhaps
01:02:14
maybe she worked other so miss Johnson
01:02:17
no that's obviously not it but I want to
01:02:20
be problem what she's probably not even
01:02:21
the credits that's how [ __ ] low you
01:02:22
think they put her out of the credits
01:02:23
maybe but look ok whatever the case may
01:02:25
be I don't think you're gonna find the
01:02:26
the store owner for some reason in here
01:02:29
look she's not even credited I know
01:02:31
that's how [ __ ] sad it was then now
01:02:33
look at go to youtube mm-hmm and go
01:02:35
Johnny GaN is a character you ever seen
01:02:38
my Johnny GaN no it's the it's the I
01:02:42
went to the extreme with it Johnny GaN
01:02:45
Jo Jo how do you spell it Johnny
01:02:47
jo nny yeah gone right gionee just go
01:02:51
MADtv Johnny GaN ok MADtv
01:02:55
Johnny gon gon e I don't know there we
01:03:01
go there Johnny GaN T oh yeah it's so
01:03:03
racist because I put
01:03:06
what say it it's so racist cuz what I
01:03:08
just wanted to do a character that was
01:03:10
so racist that it became almost like not
01:03:13
race okay let's see
01:03:15
[Music]
01:03:30
oh hello people before time when it get
01:03:40
cold in the woman's nipple stick out and
01:03:42
Johnny go and make the Oscar guesses on
01:03:45
the journey guns
01:03:46
movie guesses for the Oscar Awards oh my
01:03:49
god baby this is literally setting back
01:03:57
this setting this sets everyone back
01:04:00
about a thousand years no it doesn't
01:04:01
know it's hilarious yeah yeah because
01:04:03
it's hilarious because I just wanted to
01:04:07
do something that was just so so over
01:04:09
the top in internment yeah but people
01:04:12
didn't like it
01:04:13
no really do you get a lot of criticism
01:04:14
for yeah really people don't like it but
01:04:17
you know what do I mean I just I don't
01:04:19
know why look it's that was when it's so
01:04:22
funny because in the beginning of MADtv
01:04:24
they wouldn't give me anything right and
01:04:25
then by the fourth year I became people
01:04:28
started liking me what do you mean by
01:04:30
the fourth year of being on the show you
01:04:32
I you know you could tell that like you
01:04:34
know when I when in front of the live
01:04:35
audience and people knew my knew who I
01:04:37
was in the beginning like it was you
01:04:39
know everyone liked Mike McDonald all
01:04:41
these happy people yeah I love Mike but
01:04:42
I love him too he's a very good friend
01:04:44
but but the fourth and fifth year is
01:04:47
when um you could tell that you know the
01:04:50
fans started to like me so that I could
01:04:51
go yeah I wanted to Johnny GaN and they
01:04:54
were just like yes all right yeah I mean
01:04:57
I go but can you you know I mean not do
01:05:01
the teeth thing you put all that stuff
01:05:04
in there you said I wanted to have the
01:05:05
comb-over and everything it was all you
01:05:07
I would spent like six hours before I'm
01:05:09
getting the big head yeah yeah it looks
01:05:12
good though but I like that was that was
01:05:14
fun
01:05:15
should we do something like that now
01:05:16
what do you mean should we like
01:05:18
recreated like characters like that now
01:05:20
yeah like you do an absurd yeah well I
01:05:23
do what every redheaded guy was forever
01:05:25
and still is is like the makeup and the
01:05:28
and I'm saying I want to do that yeah
01:05:30
yeah let's do it yeah that'll be like I
01:05:31
want to come up with a new character I
01:05:33
would love that let's do a movie of us
01:05:35
me and you doing character yeah yeah not
01:05:37
a movie let's do it next bad friends
01:05:39
done but we will get the costume so
01:05:42
we're gonna do our characters for the
01:05:43
next show
01:05:44
and then we'll also have stand-up
01:05:45
feature by an Venice undressed it's
01:05:47
gonna be a great show Andre so it's
01:05:49
gonna be a great show this is this was
01:05:51
already a fun show thanks for everybody
01:05:52
sending in all those coronavirus
01:05:54
fighters doubly done no we don't have to
01:05:57
be but yeah let's go but we bought but I
01:05:59
need to catch a plane to go to Chicago
01:06:00
do we had time should I be scared
01:06:03
should I be scared you know I'm gonna go
01:06:05
to Denver so don't get it when I'm gonna
01:06:08
go to Chicago you don't get it we vote
01:06:10
this weekend we won't get it okay do
01:06:13
everything you can't why you look at
01:06:14
this nose look what he's doing
01:06:15
are you blowing your nose on today's
01:06:17
what's in your pocket what's in your
01:06:20
pocket you put take it out what are you
01:06:21
what did you put in your pocket put in
01:06:23
your butt what did you take out he just
01:06:25
[ __ ] wiped his boogers came back just
01:06:27
by you're sick right now Andre Assange I
01:06:28
see you sick he's sick no I honestly
01:06:31
what are you sick we have allergies
01:06:33
that's it it's the last episode of bad
01:06:35
friends yeah all right look in the
01:06:38
camera would say it thank you for
01:06:40
watching our that works
01:06:44
[Music]
01:06:57
you
