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hey my friends I know you're not gonna believe me but I have a huge update for all of you the bad Friends tour is
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finally here we locked our dates we're gonna be around the country 30 cities between April and June and we can wait
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to go uh and meet you all in person you can get tickets tomorrow at 12 p.m on livenation.com or clicking on the link uh in the description below it's
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gonna be awesome and we can wait to to be on the road with all of you and for those of you who have been
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asking me constantly about the course the podcasting course that we're doing in in La I know I know I I'm not
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responding it's too overwhelming sometimes uh but we're doing it again I know the first one sold out super uh fast and we wanted to give that experience to as many people as as
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possible so we're doing it again in April and we'll do a longer one a lab in the summer if you are curious about it
00:00:57
and wanna uh learn how to be a producer uh go to 7x.net and check us out also happy Monday enjoy the show I'm not gonna be here uh today but you guys will
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have Carlos and you'll learn a lot of things about Carlos away until the end and you'll find me later again enjoy the
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show you two are bad friends who are these two idiots [Music] or something we're bad friends the episode is off to a hot start a lot
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better than the last episode with all the students thanks a lot fancy B you're fired fancy B is of course gone because
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he brought in 37 people into our studio that's about 200 square feet so George is back in attack George thanks for
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coming here I um biased and he's he's backed by his trustee uh Mexican Steed uh Carlos Carlos so I woke up this morning and I knew that we had to pod and I I'm super sick and I don't know
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what I have we have a kova test going but I had to come because Andrew's a Hollywood star and I forget you know
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we're clear here's the deal here's the deal man the real dealio is this right I mean let's let's get real California
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hospital still stressed as flu RSV Cove would remain at its highest exactly and here's the deal dude it's like you know
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sometimes you know you start a podcast with somebody and they're at your level and all of a sudden you know you plant
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the seed and it turns into a star right and that's what we got here baby and let's give Andrew Santino a round of
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applause because he's gonna work non-stop from here on right with his [ __ ] what are you doing I just want
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to put some of that in the sky because we're talking this way yeah I'll suck this way right yeah and I real it's not
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why do you do that you think it's a resentment I was gonna say something similar what you think it's hostility
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coming out of mind like I'm so sorry I love them no let's be real real for a second as a family thank you yeah yeah well let's be real
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all right good news is you do not have covet thank you so much it must be real wait wait wait you have herpes this is I got a dual test I've had it
00:03:05
yeah no I know it just I don't have a reminder listen who had to cover it up I just had to go back on it anyway um
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congratulations I think you're faking for attention because Andrew's getting a lot of attention right now
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love juicy so much she's on to something yeah I get it I hope you are because I hate to see you sick it's good I understand everything love
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the juice did I not give you a raise today I love you so much Bobby it's interesting your boss gives you a
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raise and you slam about that that's why you hired me you like it yeah that's right we do actually like it I like it a
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lot I gave you the race by the way not him no he did it makes me so angry you were gone when I gave her the phrase she asked me she goes do you think it's okay if I asked Bobby about the raise I said of course and she goes I want to make
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him feel like when it comes to any good things with our employees and stuff I'm the guy that does it you wreak Havish
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zero you you spend zero amount of time on anybody but yourself and that's a fact you've never done anything for
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these guys never he did another thing huge for me though what I have my first big audition coming
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up can I talk about that I want you to get it so bad could you send me every once in a while when he just said that I just did it oh thank you this piece of [ __ ] you know what I mean
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idiot it's so when you say things it's so it makes me so angry and I'm so sick I can't defend myself you couldn't if
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you weren't oh my God what is wrong with you today dude we are bad friends today yeah we
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are I see you go ahead oh my God go ahead I love you yeah juicy last night did a
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taping for don't tell comedy that should be out soon with a bunch of our friends yeah I met Chris O'Connor for the first
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time and Joey Avery I love Chris yeah I heard you did very good oh good I I kind
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of blacked out I've never done a taping before and all I could think about on stages I uh all the cameras well I heard I heard that you said you blacked out
00:05:17
Connie told me that you said you felt like you bought or Joey said you felt like you blacked out during the set but you heard you did very well Santa
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Barbara no less a very astute place to do comedy yeah very old it was a little stuffy though huh it was outside a cold
00:05:30
yeah a little stuff I've never played it you've never been to Santa Barbara to do shows I've been there I've just never
00:05:35
done shows there I did a show back in the day with uh Theo methio and somebody else years and years and years ago it
00:05:42
was like a bar room a guy used to have a bar show up there and it was great because it was UCSB kids
00:05:47
but I've heard horror stories have gone up there because it's you know Santa Barbara's like Rich really it's like
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it's like Beverly Hills plus yeah they laugh like this oh they do yeah they left Japanese oh put their pinkies out
00:06:05
I love when the Japanese do that and then they cover their you know it's so funny it's so funny can I say about the Japanese please or Asians love Japanese they used to laugh with their
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hands over their face they had they've had covered the whole time oh is that why they do that think about it right right they had covered the whole time
00:06:29
wow yeah that's right and you know how covet spread one girl forgot to do it wow it's incredible I got taught about something a good fact uh a good fact I
00:06:43
learned Google this is pretty insane what is that can jealousy physically make you ill according to Jonathan DeVos neuroscientists
00:06:50
Carlos Carlos the sympathetic nervous system buckles under the stress of jealousy quickening the heart and spiking Carlos blood pressure pretty
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wild oh can I say something I know that symptoms can be mimicked okay you know what dude I swear to [ __ ] God right
00:07:02
now dude we're on the uh we're on the wrong foot I got it I got you back uh Copenhagen he did yeah you did and I gave you a hundred dollars for it I try to give you the 100 I know but I get to keep it so my point is is this okay
00:07:15
stop this okay and you know what I'm gonna address it now I'm just trying to I'm gonna address it now got it what are
00:07:22
the 10 tips to overcome it click on the link don't cough this way cough this way cough this way anyway off this way listen I was jealous of you why
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let me just get this off my chest we don't go off for the same stuff what are you laughing I'm just can you
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not defend yourself and let me express myself that'd be cool okay I'll wait till you're done attacking me then I'll
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[ __ ] I'm not attacking this is a pure apology okay go ahead okay I was I did call my agents the other day
00:07:56
and I go hey man what's going on Andrew's booking all these things right and they're like calm down and I go I'm calm and then I um called my sponsor and
00:08:08
my a sponsor and he goes do you love Andrew like I do and he goes are you happy for him I got you know what I'm
00:08:13
genuinely am happy for him I think you're so talented um when I see you on stage performing
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and dude I saw half of cheeseburger so good thanks no I'm being real okay not well
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too I've rejected that I wanted to direct mine maybe shut up now being real I directed it that's great you did that
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I did it that's incredible can you drag my special come on be real I'm being serious honestly dude I'm sick right now
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and you know so you can stop this I genuinely I'm so happy for you I love you and I I
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like it and it couldn't happen to a better guy okay don't don't go away no I'm not going over the top this is the
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last thing I'm gonna say okay and we don't have to talk about it again right I'm gonna kill myself
00:08:59
I knew it I knew it I knew it just couldn't go yeah yeah I shoot myself with a faceless shotgun so one no I'm really happy for you but if you do
00:09:12
kill yourself can I have your house yes all right you know how I feel terrible you're going to
00:09:18
Hawaii soon hey I was trying to be nice yeah the guy's going to hold a guy goes to Hawaii like nine times a year I get one [ __ ] movie he's like
00:09:32
wait you're such a [ __ ] brat you live in Hawaii half of the [ __ ] year I I thought you know what I mean I go one little thing what if Andrew becomes like the next Brad Pitt and then he puts
00:09:43
you in all his movies hell yeah I don't think Brad Pitt puts anybody in any movies by the way well you mean you mean
00:09:49
uh Sandler sand dog yeah I like sandbox yeah is it every time I'm not at the store Tarantino's there yeah last night he was
00:10:01
there again I saw that on Instagram yeah I've never been there when he's there yeah yeah every time I'm there not there
00:10:07
no yeah but every time I'm not there and he's always hanging out when you were there Ron Jeremy was there every time
00:10:13
passed out in the back every time yeah yeah you know he's in prison for the rest of us I know he looks terrible yeah have you seen remember he used to snore
00:10:19
in the back 100 he would fall asleep in the room he would fall asleep in the bucket seats yeah he like was he drunk
00:10:26
or high I don't remember holy [ __ ] that's what he looks like terrible yeah yeah yeah he looks terrible yeah look at
00:10:32
him all right well can I be honest yeah I think this is a this is [ __ ] he looks like a Morton
00:10:38
no I think that's him but I think no I think it's it's not the Illuminati no I do think that's him I'm just saying I
00:10:43
think he quickly let himself go once he found out he was definitely getting busted for all of his crime so he's trying to use you know Harvey Weinstein
00:10:49
it's like they use their like I'm just old I might die don't put me away in the bad place it's like you did so much bad
00:10:55
stuff they got you dude yeah like look at this thing like this whole [ __ ] like he was walking like a
00:11:01
lot right it's it's it's it's great because you know sometimes I use the um the bathrooms the public bathrooms with
00:11:06
the you know with the handicap thing yeah and then I take a [ __ ] in there and then when I walk out there's a handicap person you know what I mean waiting for
00:11:12
it and then I do a walk you do a little walk oh yeah I have to do a walk because you have to feel you can't I don't want
00:11:18
to get a confrontation with a guy what would he okay listen I'm in a wheelchair yeah yeah you walk out normal for E
00:11:25
right I see you right whoa whoa whoa I'm doing a wheelie to stop you whoa whoa oh oh my God I'm so sorry I'm sorry bye and I leave but then I wheel in yeah
00:11:38
yeah I look in the toilet bowl and I see well it's not a handicapped guy [ __ ] and I wheeled back wait you can't yell by
00:11:45
poo oh yeah can you tell my poo I think that's how they find out when they're young oh you know what dude you can
00:11:50
check their pool you can taste it and you can tell you know I would put hard like oh boy
00:11:55
what do you mean what do you mean you can poop tired like sure yeah yeah sure man look I want you to look something up that I learned that was wild there was a
00:12:06
guy Bobby that bought Hitler's bed and he sleeps in it every day Google this guy this is a real man man who sleeps in Hitler's bed it's Kanye yeah
00:12:17
this dude bought Hitler's actual bed and he sleeps in it what every day of his life has it just just a little just
00:12:24
snoozing on Hitler's bed and he's like a biggest collector of Hitler memorabilia this dude
00:12:29
and he sleeps in Hitler's bed is he um can you imagine is he racist no he just likes Hitler oh I get it he also has this wax figure look at he has a wax for
00:12:43
your healer in his crib wow yo coming imagine dining room imagine you go to like a cute little
00:12:48
Airbnb you walk in it's this [ __ ] guy oh I did this guy's like he's on a dating site and he just loves he brings a Jewish girl over for dinner it's insane
00:12:59
yeah like Sarah Silverman there's Hitler's bed right there where right there yes yeah that's his bed there it is oh
00:13:09
queen size or is that a full it looks like a full I think a full is a queen eh what's the difference that was smaller
00:13:14
what's it what's the difference oh so it goes single okay we should be asking her yeah tell us how the beds go single full
00:13:22
queen king right California King Texas King well there's a Texas King oh there's a bunch of Kings Kings range in different ways but I have a California I have a California what is Texas King
00:13:34
bigger I think Texas King is the biggest It's gotta be I won a Texas King is there a difference I can't tell a
00:13:41
California king is just wider than it is long Texas is 14 inches wider whoa even wider and eight inches longer whoa we
00:13:48
gotta get a test we need a Texas kid can I tell you the problem though not enough places make uh Fabrics to fit that yeah
00:13:54
that's true you can't get it oh right you can't go to um where do you get your Fabrics
00:13:59
I go down to I go down to downtown L.A to the fabric fabric uh District and I have and I have them hand Stitch it for me so I go to bed bath beyond that's not a good place all right well I'm going to the Beyond part downtown
00:14:12
LA's you're just going to bed and bath I'm actually going to the Beyond oh the Beyond part and it's just a little tiny
00:14:17
girl she has one eye and uh she's kind of cycloptic I don't even know what language she speaks but she just kind of clicks at me and Bishop the Netflix are probably her horse feet
00:14:30
oh when she's walking towards you yeah yeah oh yeah yeah and I just tell her what I want and she makes it it's
00:14:35
unbelievable that's exactly what she sounds like but she's talking backwards what you have to
00:14:41
do is I've met people like that yeah we have to do is you have to record them slow go home and then reverse it [ __ ]
00:14:47
yeah yeah you don't want to do it in front of them you can't do it in front of them you think it's rude it's a Google translating
00:14:54
no come on juice that was easy yeah go ahead I'm very jealous of Andrew she brings it back the kid is full circle when it comes to writing jokes there's no doubt about that
00:15:05
I'm practicing my memory sorry it's okay Alzheimer's runs in her family she wants to make sure she's ahead yeah enjoy
00:15:13
you're you're at the bad friend Studio sometimes you just have to tell her because she'll forget where she is when
00:15:18
does the don't tell comedy set come out probably a couple months and I think I'll just take some clips
00:15:25
in the clubs what's happening is I get into a club and then let's find anything online to post of me and then people I'm
00:15:30
reaching an audience not like the bad friends family everyone's like really awesome even the people who don't like
00:15:36
me and the fan base are like he doesn't like you in the fan base well they're even nice they'll be like I don't really find her funny but she's
00:15:42
very nice like that's the kind of hate coming don't read it I know what are you reading that [ __ ] for I'm gonna stop
00:15:48
because now I'm reaching like strangers like people that I've that don't know anything about me and the comments are like die I hope you die
00:15:56
um I hate your guts yeah yeah please die yeah don't read it kill yourself like I
00:16:01
get a lot of really here's what's wild about speak of it who's just wild about all those comments that say die you will so it's like just wait oh yeah
00:16:08
yeah you know I always say wait just chill out yeah I'm gonna will you [ __ ] cool it stop telling me what I'm
00:16:14
gonna do yeah yeah and also it's like my life has been so much happier not reading any of that no dude I don't I couldn't care less I couldn't why care that's why I don't
00:16:26
want reread it yeah I don't care I think it's [ __ ] nonsensical yeah but then you get good messages too like Cameo
00:16:32
reached out to me oh you can do some cams they said they sent me an email saying they work with
00:16:38
you and how to have a great success I'm sorry it just wasn't a slam to you about I don't do Cameo no I know and I didn't
00:16:44
think yeah I could I could read you the conversation I've had they've reached out to me every week for the last five
00:16:49
years and I say no you know what's so weird is they view someone else has said that to me I don't I don't do Cameo I
00:16:56
got I've ordered a cameo from you yeah I've never done it I I I I don't do Cameo and they say that
00:17:03
I do and I was like I don't do it um and they're Chicago people that started it and in years ago when they
00:17:09
first started the person that started it like signed me up for it and was like you got to do
00:17:15
one and I got all these requests and I think I might have done one and then immediately when I did it I quit I was like no thank you and I never even got paid because the money had to
00:17:26
go through like Zell at the time or something and I didn't have one and I was like I'm not I don't know what that is it was brand new so I immediately was
00:17:33
like no thank you and since then they've never stopped being like why would you come back I'm back and I'm like I don't I just I don't I can't we should probably cut this out but they said that
00:17:44
you make up to like a hundred thousand a year me wow in case I don't know if I'm
00:17:49
misclothing the email but what's crazy is you can look I'm not on it I think someone is doing it for me I mean
00:17:55
they're making I'm not on it Floyd Mayweather 15 grand 15 000. that's what I'll do then I'll never have to make one it's actually kind of tight I'm sure somebody's done bought it from them before though
00:18:09
you know yeah somebody [ __ ] Grand yeah some guy from Dubai some prince of Dubai those guys have so much money I
00:18:15
daydream in the shower but one of them buying me as a human I swear to God I have Daydreams in the shower where like some Dubai Prince is
00:18:22
like I will buy you I can buy you and I'm like yeah do it he's like you would be my slave I will buy you you do what I
00:18:28
want and I was like do it and he gives me money and then I have to fly to Dubai and do whatever he wants
00:18:33
whenever like in the middle of the day he'll be like dance for us for hours and I will yeah
00:18:40
right and I'll do it yeah I gotta be there with you you're coming you don't first of all you don't have a choice the
00:18:46
moment I get paid I'm calling and I'm going buddy we got bought by Dubai I'm gonna go woohoo right and we're gonna go
00:18:52
to Dubai you and I your first class I'm in the overhead compartment no no you're sitting on my lap no overhead
00:18:58
compartment overhead how about this we'll trade I'll sit on your laptop all right we go all right and then all of a
00:19:04
sudden I got the coins do I bring coins why would we bring coins I don't know what they we use there money they do
00:19:11
they have money like you about Pebbles they use Pebbles too yeah rubies don't don't you have to Google you don't
00:19:17
have to Google it one you have to Google it it ruins the comedy right right so anyway no but by the way did you see that what what is it called there the Durham yeah so I bring their door home
00:19:28
look at how much money we could make there incredible United States one Durham is
00:19:33
only worth a quarter of our money so then we'd get four times our money would you tell them beforehand that you're
00:19:39
bringing me or when we get there you're gonna say I brought him they'll just know they'll just assume oh so it's
00:19:45
we're a package deal we are a package they already know that we are a package do I get my own room
00:19:56
yeah yeah I gotta wear one of those what other garments they were I like the head pieces
00:20:03
would you share a bed with me if we had to travel like that I would be too if you and I were like in Auschwitz I would what why would we be
00:20:11
there no but back in the day I've thought about that in the 44 Jews I would share a bed with you thank you
00:20:16
it'll keep each other warm what's so funny in a holocaust is the only yeah you know you know like
00:20:24
almost done oh I'm excited you and I yeah but you know why because I because they're gonna throw us off before I know I know it they would throw us overboard right and I would need to be
00:20:36
with you can you imagine you and I on a boat they would kill us so fast what do you mean if it was like a boat of
00:20:42
pirates and they captured us and they were trying to like use us as Ransom within an hour they would be sick of our [ __ ] they would throw you and I
00:20:48
overboard immediately would you rather have been tied or would you rather be loose what do you mean and thrown into the
00:20:54
ocean yeah I don't want to be tied into the ocean because I mean but I want to give me a shot I would get into an
00:20:59
argument with a guy with a gun just to shoot me I'd be like just shoot me I don't want to drown I'd much dude drowning is my actual nightmare wow
00:21:06
there was a video that I saw online uh this guy that these guys that swim they put a hole in the water and they swim
00:21:12
under up to another hole you know what I'm talking about George these people they like they do swimming in Frozen
00:21:18
[ __ ] Lakes swimming under ice yeah and they will swim under the Ice Dude it is my anxiety Nightmare and then one
00:21:24
dude couldn't find his way out and they were trying to break the ice and they couldn't get through and he almost didn't [ __ ] make it look at this
00:21:30
though they'll literally punch one hole and punch another hole and they'll swim down through the ice and what do they
00:21:35
always look like Adam DeVine [Laughter] like froze over or something so he couldn't even see what like halfway through his eyeball like because corny
00:21:51
or something froze over he couldn't see it he almost like he got lost your eyeball free can freeze and you yes
00:21:58
and you can drown so what they do is they have a rope and it's a safety rope and you have to follow the Rope because they can't see anything really so if
00:22:05
they can't find the Rope though you die you absolutely die and tons of people do this this is like for sport and it's
00:22:12
batshit crazy no it's not true not tons of people tons of white people do it well yeah I mean we're the best at
00:22:18
Wackadoo stuff how many black people have gone skydiving since its Inception six [Laughter]
00:22:25
really funny think about it I've never seen a Korean Skydive I've never seen anybody but white Skydive my whole
00:22:30
everything really yeah yeah type in skydivers and watch how many photos we'll put it'll be all white dudes
00:22:37
crazy [ __ ] whites oh look at the first photo the guy's hair yeah yeah look at that guy yeah dude four photos in go to four hey yeah yeah that guy
00:22:44
that's the guy that skydives with that girl they look like Harry Styles the skydivers I just it's just it's such a
00:22:49
white thing to jump out of an airplane yeah have you ever done this juice would you do it no if we do bad friend
00:22:54
skydiving would you do it Heights is my drowning Heights is your drowning yeah oh but if he does the ice thing would
00:23:01
you do the thing you've got to conquer the ice thing we got to do the Ice thing with you wait
00:23:06
what yeah I don't have fear so like you know what I mean I don't have to do you have so
00:23:12
many feet I have no fears asking me a question ask me a few questions ask me ask ask away I am yeah go ahead look at me are you afraid of being alone
00:23:26
you got me die [ __ ] first question no I'm not yeah you are I'm not no look at me
00:23:32
no oh no that's a fear that's a real fear and that's a physical fear because it physically manifests being alone can
00:23:46
[ __ ] kill you yeah yeah this episode is sponsored by better help better help I gotta tell you has been with us for a long time because Bobby and I believe in therapy we've talked pretty openly on
00:23:58
this show about mental health and mental health awareness and getting help with your mental health and I do think talking to someone is an extremely good
00:24:04
alternative to just sitting in your house by yourself thinking about too much stuff and not getting it out when
00:24:10
you're at your best you can do great things am I not right I agree you do the best stuff when you're at your best exactly but sometimes life gets you
00:24:16
bogged down sometimes your eyes get sad that's right and you may feel overwhelmed or like you're you're not showing up in the way that you want to
00:24:23
working with a therapist can help you get closer to the best version of you because when you feel empowered you're
00:24:29
more prepared to take on everything life throws at you I totally agree man if you're thinking about giving therapy a
00:24:34
try better help is a great option convenient flexible affordable entirely done on the internet you got to fill out a brief questionnaire get matched with
00:24:40
the licensed therapist and switch therapists at any time for no additional charge if you are looking to talk to someone this is a great way to try from
00:24:46
the comfort of your own home it's not scary it's easy to do and you can switch therapists at any time if you want to live a more empowered life therapy can
00:24:52
get you air visit betterhelp.com bad friends today to get 10 off your first month that's better help help.com bad
00:25:00
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00:25:06
straight to you what happened you bought a car didn't you I did and you know during the summer I went to a bunch of
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negotiate the price of a car so no you know you're getting a good deal you got a full week or 250 miles whichever comes
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first to make sure your new ride is right for you Bobby had to drive his car around and guess what he loved it because he knew what he wanted and room
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when you buy a new one or you can even just sell your card of room when you sell your car in vroom you get a price instantly Bobby you can buy a car from
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vroom entirely online so next time you need to buy a car just grab your phone go to room.com and check out thousands
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of cars that's right go to room.com and check out thousands of cars today look at the people that go out to the woods
00:26:12
that live out in the woods in the middle of nowhere they go crazy and then they die you need human touch you need human
00:26:18
contact you need conversion you have a conversation I have a fear of this is going to sound crazy what but you know I
00:26:25
saw a documentary with Indians in it Indian people from India India's from India and they had some guy
00:26:30
had dry skin on his elbows right hear me out and I feel like there's Flakes and I
00:26:36
have a fear of those flakes coming on my face on your face yeah like a powder of Indian flakes on the show
00:26:43
funny I'm trying to follow juicy this is an extremely legitimate fear there's a fear that many people have face I'm so
00:26:50
sick right now I have no idea why I'm here what's the name look I'm so tired I'm sorry I might not make it this episode is that terrible yeah no it's
00:26:56
fun no honestly yeah if I leave just relax will ya look up look up um look up the fear of dead skin because
00:27:07
I guarantee you there's a phobia attached to dead skin fear of dead skin what's it called there it is necrophobia specific phobia that involves a fear of
00:27:14
dead things things that are associated with death what about skin fear of skin do fear of
00:27:20
skin what is that one oh my God that's Bobby that's Bobby wait stay there that is Bobby zoom in I don't even know how to say this this is Bobby Lee f is agrophobia ather
00:27:33
xagophobia is the fear of forgetting someone or someone as fear or the fear of being forgotten you don't want to be
00:27:38
forgotten at the zagara you're an atheros Agra for sure you really are don't forget Linda what is this linophobia is the fear of string you
00:27:49
have an extreme reaction when just thinking of string wow like a [ __ ] shoelace you just
00:27:56
have velcro shoes it's like every cat and they all have that that's crazy right just yeah take it away yeah you're a cat I knew you were a cat you tell
00:28:09
them you have no fears Bob no fear dude you bungee jump no I won't do it well there you go with this there it is yeah you're right try
00:28:21
phobia I mean all of it I'm afraid of try Trypophobia is an excessive reaction to
00:28:27
things that resemble serious skin diseases that's what you have Bobby trypophobia are you trypophobic yeah
00:28:34
poor Bobby poor Bobby what do you have the fear of juice what are you afraid of um well for the heights thing I know I'm
00:28:49
afraid of other stuff like what are you afraid of Carlos think about it juice I'm afraid of loneliness you are afraid
00:29:00
of being alone like yeah so the thing you asked Bobby about I was really you're gonna die alone for sure I 100
00:29:05
for sure why would you say that dude I'm gonna tell you something right now dude you're just mad because I'm not mad I'm
00:29:10
not mad I'm gonna be honest with you I pulled up I was sick I was sick for a second but it just once you said that made me so angry oh you can't hurt him
00:29:17
with those shades on yeah yeah with those shades on you definitely have that thing where you're never gonna meet
00:29:23
anybody that's insane I've been you've never been in a relationship I've never been married yeah he got married
00:29:28
divorced how long couple years yeah and that could have ended day one no no no they really loved each other I never met her how were we friends I never met her you're always busy or you were with
00:29:42
kalila in that new glow with her there you go yeah meanwhile I met her I went to their house up in the hills yeah
00:29:47
really yeah what was she like shoot I mean do you want me to speak speak about yeah you guys are still
00:29:52
friends yeah she's cool she was a very sweet person um she was a little unusual to look at she had had a tragic
00:30:03
accident when she was young and about three quarters of her her head was impaled it was sunken in why are you laughing that's why I'm wearing these I'm trying not to cry when
00:30:14
I think about it she had an impaled head and one of her legs the foot faced the wrong way it was nuts do you think I'm gonna buy that it was uneven one foot was do you know how come her name was
00:30:26
uneven uneven uneven and even Herrera and even Herrera I can't believe it because you know how complex is [ __ ] you know what I mean this guy his Pilot yeah dude any
00:30:40
imperfection like I'll show him a photo of a girl with a freckle he's like nah swipe left you guys do that's who you
00:30:46
are swipe left dude your Mr swipe left dude right you need Perfection dude you don't have Indonesian woman you don't have a woman with a [ __ ] head thing because I never had been with I told you this in secrecy and you'd
00:30:58
call me racism you've never been with a wife with an Asian I know but that doesn't mean I'm racist I know but I but
00:31:04
that but you would never go out with indentation lady yes you would no you wouldn't yes you would and you wouldn't neither yes I would are you out of your
00:31:11
mind you're complex dude you have a palette let me tell you something yeah you guys go to museums you know what the good art is
00:31:19
when you go to the museums do you know what the good art is yeah right you go that's good right yeah right you look at a van Gogh that's good right but the van
00:31:25
Gogh can't talk so if I met a woman with an indentation in her head but she's but I loved her personality right maybe I would fall in love Yeah Carlos was
00:31:31
dating a Picasso that's right yeah and I'm dating a van Gogh I'm married to a van Gogh that's the one I meant and
00:31:37
you're with a Degas that's not what I meant what I meant is this you know what good what good
00:31:42
artists and bad art you see when you I'm about this avocado avocado I love avocado right but you
00:31:48
know what a bad avocado looks like right like cars squeeze right it's like Carlos yes my point though is this okay you
00:31:56
don't have a lady with the thing head thing all right he lie right I'm going back to it right I want to look at a
00:32:03
photo of your wife I've never met her before ex-wife it's not his wife anymore you keep saying that he's not married or whatever whatever he's gonna die alone
00:32:09
and I hate to be rude I hate to be rude why do you think yeah we all do Die Alone by this world same way we go no I
00:32:16
mean literally alone you think at the end of this is that guy No One's Gonna be around why why look at him he's a
00:32:22
beautiful his behavior what's wrong with him dude he's always alone every time I
00:32:27
see him on the street walking down Ventura he's by himself holding a bag always what's in the back plastic bag full of [ __ ] broccoli and other items
00:32:36
I don't know what he eats from Trader Joe's I need to go yeah my point is that you're a lonely lonely [ __ ] right why
00:32:41
are you doing that I'm sorry hey you're a Mexican dude which makes it even worse I'm sorry you're done it's cracker me up
00:32:49
you're done with dude okay how about this let's bring it back to square one yeah misery is your future is Juicy
00:32:55
gonna die alone no no am I no are you no okay so Carlos yes all right you're done
00:33:00
what he's sat he's set in stone lonely tears for you dude in the desert and you know why he's doing this because you
00:33:06
admitted out loud stupidly into the microphone that you're afraid of dying alone you shouldn't have done that yeah yeah you gave him more you gave him a
00:33:12
bullet you're like honestly out of all the people that I can imagine that this is the honest truth of all the people
00:33:17
thousands of people in my lifetime right and I'm thinking about the loneliest [ __ ] in that [ __ ] group yeah yeah
00:33:23
Carlos you know what I do don't exist you shouldn't exist right now what do you gotta say I'm so sick I'm so sorry thanks for the medicine you got
00:33:34
this Lucy this mess is kicking it I love it Carlos bought you 70 worth of medicine chug it blue tongue
00:33:44
but George proved me wrong I literally thought no one could quite possibly [ __ ] this man it's impossible I literally thought it was a scientific fact yeah I've got hidden game
00:33:57
he's got hidden game God I wish I shouldn't have said that you know what not only not only did somebody pump him yeah this guy made humans you proved me
00:34:09
wrong and you know what Carlos I've had two abortions good for look at that look
00:34:14
at that so no no I got them pregnant so he did Carlos three actually Carlos Carlos George loves it the question isn't can you get laid well you 100 can
00:34:27
get laid thank you what I'm saying is that you're never going to live with anybody
00:34:32
or marry anybody or be in a relationship with anybody or be intimate with anybody or like [ __ ] feelings and ideas with
00:34:38
anybody that's insane that's not insane look at you look in the mirror open your mouth projection because kalila just
00:34:44
moved out that's a tough hit I mean that might have been you something that's a sucker blow that's the bottom of everything you said that is
00:34:58
sucker blow dude look at my heart dude you're like wailing on him and he did one little one thing yeah he just turned over didn't even hit you sucker blown me dude and I'm kind of
00:35:10
as I'm so so sick right now dude can you say Sucker Punch that's not blow is not a part of it yeah
00:35:16
her blow is when I when I convince you when I suck your dick and you didn't know it was coming that's a sucker block yeah when you're
00:35:23
looking up at the sky about I go Bobby look how beautiful the sunset is and then I start blowing you that's a sucker blow you know what I'm gonna keep
00:35:29
calling it sucker blow that's what it feels like okay I'm gonna say something to you right now man you know what game
00:35:35
on oh [ __ ] you won a war [ __ ] I'll begin you started the war and then I just made
00:35:41
like no no here's the deal dude I'm calling it I feel bad for you oh no when I saw you in [ __ ] Mexico I I was in Hawaii with you now I'm actually at Hawaii I mean yeah I mean
00:35:53
that see that's the different that's what I'm saying you could be anywhere alone right in my mind you're in
00:35:59
Afghanistan alone you're in Australia alone you're on the island alone yeah yeah I mean you're in the big city alone
00:36:05
walking down with a bag yep yeah I mean full of [ __ ] broccoli or whatever right yeah I think it's better to be
00:36:11
alone than in like a shitty relationship though are you saying that I'm in one no I'm just saying that that's why I'm
00:36:18
alone a lot because I'd rather like no I think you're addicted to um the pee oh yeah yeah and I think you're strongly addicted to it and I'm gonna tell you something right there's an intervention
00:36:29
to you right it's not gonna fix you the P PCP not a PCP what's he addicted let's see oh like [ __ ] a lot it's like I'll go on first dates but I don't like
00:36:41
I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or anything that's not what I heard what about your feelings I'm looking to like meet someone and
00:36:48
wait what did you hear Bobby that's not what I heard my friend oh no well what did you hear and it makes me mad what I heard what did you hear he has a beautiful penis oh yeah
00:37:02
that's where it's all coming from and that bummed you out yeah and that's why I attacked him that's my bad dude oh
00:37:07
it's like it's you know it's my bad dead I love it I mean I'm in the wrong and I'll admit it okay you have a beautiful
00:37:14
penis yeah yeah he is kind of the Pete Davidson the bad friends isn't he and and uh I attacked you and that was wrong of me Pete Davidson
00:37:25
dude you're the Pete Davidson your RP Davidson who's next who are you gonna date next whatever what famous
00:37:31
person you're gonna get a tattoo removed of next Nikki Nikki Glacier oh she's oh really she'll
00:37:40
never know she's with that guy no no Nikki glasses oh yeah yeah he's like he looks like a soccer coach
00:37:47
he's my favorite you like soccer coaches don't you I do what is that they look they're wholesome they look
00:37:53
pure pure to me and he especially I've got his name but I like him a lot the next person that you date Bob how about
00:38:01
this let's let's target somebody to date for you what do you mean well I feel like you're kind of out in the abyss you're just dating what's coming through so how about let's party it's so funny
00:38:13
it's so funny because I've you've now been around some of the dates I've been on yeah and I can see your face I'm not
00:38:19
judging it's not that you're judging it's not that you're judging yeah there's a fee go keep talking there's a
00:38:25
feeling there's a feeling of disapproval in your eyes in what way when I walked into the Improv I said hello to everyone
00:38:31
it was so nice I know life so well what did I do subtext what did I what were you thinking what
00:38:38
did you think I was thinking when I saw you with the with the girls in the room what did you think I thought when I walked in you're trying to figure out
00:38:44
the situation first correct I wanted to know if they were comedians or they were strangers or who the [ __ ] those are the ones I know but I can look at your eyes
00:38:49
and I can go okay now he's getting understanding what the situation is and there's a quick thing in your eyes that
00:38:56
you go I don't approve that's not true you know what I thought when I looked under that bar and saw you in the room
00:39:01
with those girls you know my first thought was there's no room for me on that couch I was like oh that couch is [ __ ] full
00:39:08
I'm sorry that sucks no I was just like I can't sit down I have to go in the other room yeah and that you've also
00:39:14
expressed things about girls that you've met that I've been dating of your disapproval that's not true yeah yeah
00:39:20
yeah you have I swear to god let's admit that for a second I never said anything negative about them I just said I think
00:39:25
you can do better right no no that's a nice thing isn't that a nice that's what he said you said I don't like them you
00:39:31
said that first of all time out first of all I only said I didn't like one of them two or two of them two of them yeah but one of them you didn't one of them
00:39:37
you agreed and the other one you didn't understand but you did it eventually but one of them we said together I said do
00:39:44
not like and you go I don't either okay in the elevator we decided I know but my point is is that you have had strong
00:39:50
opinions about it well you're my best friend what do you want me to do just [ __ ] let you go out there [ __ ] I know
00:39:57
I'm trying to protect my little boy you know what I'm afraid of you want to know what I'm afraid of I'm trying to
00:40:03
find the one I'm afraid of you getting taken advantage of how about that they're all taking advantage of me baby
00:40:08
by the way you're welcome I texted you last night at the restaurant that you should go to the Italian joint it looks great it's [ __ ] really good no one's
00:40:15
taking advantage of you you better not let people take advantage of you yeah I've had some strange things like
00:40:20
what I don't want to get into it I don't want all this stuff tacos I don't even feel like sometimes all right all right dark [ __ ] no because it's like because
00:40:28
people here you know we have to talk about it can I can I tell you something that's going to make you mad Maybe
00:40:34
might as well double down on the sucker blows [Applause] you blow me again something uh
00:40:46
Jesse Jesse yes you know you've seen me bring a couple of my dates to The Comedy Store how have you felt about them um I actually at First was like dang he's
00:40:58
seen a lot of different people but then I thought good for him yeah because you've been in a long-term relationship
00:41:04
for so long and I think it's kind of cool that you're not afraid about your dating like you're not keeping in a big
00:41:10
secret like you're you know and your talk about it so the girls that see you have to know that you're seeing other
00:41:16
girls and I think that's mature and cool and I think you should be able to date and experience that but could the truth
00:41:23
be told if I may you may if I may express myself in the truth truth in the truest form exactly what I was going to say say it then and I'm
00:41:35
just kind of groggy I know babe um is the truth be told is is that I'm really looking for my one
00:41:43
the one yeah I want to see one person close your eyes what does she look like oh my Lord here we go Morgan and Morgan Morgan and Morgan I
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many are available within 24 hours that's zocdoc.com zoc doc slash bad friends talkdoc.com bad friends I think that if you were the leader you
00:44:40
want to be able to eat a laundry Jesse don't you think it'd be a great place what if Jesse was a leader of a country
00:44:48
she wouldn't want to see she's why why I think I'd get taken advantage of uh hey hey you're excellent Excellency
00:44:56
Master oh call me tooth whoa whoa okay uh sorry you're actually that's kind of not our thing yeah yeah so uh what are the policies that you wanted to enact for juice Island um I just I want everyone to have a good
00:45:09
time and good call yeah no we agree yeah but taxes we also yeah we're coming to you
00:45:15
about finances because yeah so we're deeply in debt yo we need taxes yeah okay how much should we charge people I
00:45:22
don't have enough money no we're actually in debt about 400 we're in debt it's not your money it's juices Island's
00:45:28
money right okay and um so how much can we income tax if we have to but not a lot I don't know how much maybe like a penny for every
00:45:40
dollar you want people to pay a penny for every dollar one cent to their dollar yeah
00:45:46
okay juice is that a lot let me ask you something um you just had a finance wait because
00:45:52
Carlos island is next tour yeah and they're ready to attack they have like [ __ ] they want to go to work they
00:45:58
want to go to war well let me talk today okay well good luck the ring ring we got it Carlos hello
00:46:05
hey I heard you want to go to war yeah you're like no one respects your Island because you have 0.01 taxes in
00:46:13
America it's 0.08 hey why don't we just smoke a blunt chill out I don't think we
00:46:18
need to be fighting I'm already smoking one but you're more than welcome to come over okay so we're good no
00:46:24
and then but you know they she did get close she almost solved that war that I did feel like at some point you were
00:46:30
gonna flip and already in that conversation you and I look at each other I'm like we gotta go together no there's a coup oh there's a
00:46:37
coup we're taking it over we have to overthrow her this is [ __ ] dumb so we'd kill you immediately yeah yeah you're dead I mean you don't even have
00:46:44
to kill me you guys can just take over no we gotta kill you it's like a part of the thing yeah and you know what I'll
00:46:50
name it Santino Island just give me a province Bobby Province oh I want my own Province
00:46:56
lead Province yeah and I want to gated no one's allowed to go there except for my people now who's your people people that capture you okay so it's like the Vatican you
00:47:08
have your own rules and laws yes and I can't enforce it's like like a Indian Reservation where I have my own taxes
00:47:13
your own cops my own cops my own hospitals everything I have my own Province if you give it to me if I had
00:47:19
my own Province yeah I would have one guy doing Security in me Jamar neighbors and I just yeah I'd pay him whatever he
00:47:25
wants dude that's who I was going to pick and I'd have no rules no rule I'd be like whatever you want to do man it's on you Eric Andre and Jamar neighbor
00:47:31
that's awesome security right and they're wearing ATC they're driving atcs ATV Mohawk Mohawks right
00:47:39
yeah completely naked right does anybody wear clothes at the Lee Province no there's no clothing store so you'd have to leave Lee Province you can't leave you cannot it's like North
00:47:49
Korea exactly no is no well let me ask you something in North Korea right is fentanyl free it's it well if yes it can be right how about why you sticks it
00:48:00
that's not free right everyone eats wagyu steaks where are you getting all this money from in Lee province
00:48:06
your taxes man we're part of your thing no I know but dude because dude you're gonna call me and I'm gonna go hey dude
00:48:13
this is how corrupt government starts this is literally it a friend of a friend goes come on man it's my
00:48:19
constituents yeah just give me a little bit more money than the other guys and then they go well we did grow up together and I'll give you type e TP
00:48:25
Taipei no TP what's CP I don't want to tell you what it is but you know what it is toilet paper
00:48:33
I know what it is you know what it is so I'll give you some TP oh okay I understand but
00:48:39
[Laughter] that means you you go yeah but that's what happened you're getting the steak yes because I'm gonna get you the steak but see that's so great this is it
00:48:55
always works though this is the problem this is the problem this is how government goes to collapse
00:49:01
I know but still we'll run for five minutes I'm second in command at Carlos Island yeah I'll take some TP I'll give
00:49:06
you wagyu steaks yeah oh yeah if he doesn't give it to me see this is how Putin started this is what happened the homie all the homies got some yeah and
00:49:13
then pootie was out but he was doing his thing he's dead by the way I think he's dead they're holograming him all over the country and the world yeah anyway um can you just give me a province I'll
00:49:25
give you a proudly Province right but we do have to think of what we're gonna do with our captured prisoner there oh she's not dead no I didn't want to kill
00:49:32
her I feel so bad all right well we can you know what I know we do we every every 10 days out of the year right this
00:49:41
is what we're talking right yeah we do Shame Shame day shamed and we gotta shame her oh we do publicly yeah publicly okay I like throughout the whole island for not taxing enough
00:49:52
that's right yeah well because you were weak you just been doing so weak right so what we do what to shame her yeah uh
00:49:58
get burnt chocolate we have to dip her in chocolate we have to debut chocolates after comparison chocolate and then we
00:50:04
throw we have to throw goose feathers on you you have to get goose feathers on your body right yeah not Tartan feather you get chocolate and feathered and she
00:50:11
has to have to be in pain and somehow but we gotta get some pain do you know they say the worst part about getting tart and feather was the tar because it
00:50:17
was burning your skin no not the feathers not the feathers that's so funny was it the fact I always said there was the feather I would assume it was the feather yeah yeah because the embarrassment would overthrow the pain
00:50:30
wait so when they did Tara feathers it was Hot Tar burning Tara would brushing your skin they never did coal tar
00:50:37
I don't think you can koltar is hard tar oh that's right right he's throwing a hard rock how about lukewarmtar there
00:50:44
was a couple places that did lukewarm targets didn't catch on I did a good job that sucks tarring and Feathering to me
00:50:50
I'm not kidding I think we should bring it back it's so funny but but because the tar Burns their skin because I don't
00:50:56
want to inflict like real pain this is an embarrassment thing like if you have a petty crime right you steal something I think we just do super glue and
00:51:03
feathers and you have to be a chicken for a couple of days well that's why I said chocolate you have a chocolate melter it comes right
00:51:09
off your skin is super glue's gonna you have something that has you have to have something that sticks to your skin and the thing that it sticks to will stick to you that's gonna stay on forever dude
00:51:16
super glue no it doesn't with feathers I mean you'll there's a spot like 10 years ago later you're gonna be like oh [ __ ]
00:51:23
right but I bet you don't steal again that's exactly thank you but it has to be embarrassing that's all it should be
00:51:29
something stupid you know like you wear like your um your like the clothes that you wear when
00:51:36
you do something Petty that you have nipple holes and a genital hole so everyone has to see your nipples and your little penis all day long and you
00:51:42
can't cover it up you have to walk around like that with your little penis out and your nipples out and your butthole out you have to walk around
00:51:47
like that hmm interesting you steal something you get a little a little bit of embarrassment yeah I wouldn't be
00:51:53
embarrassed though you have to or you have to talk you have to do the man China and you have to walk like that honestly there is nothing when it comes
00:52:00
to nudity that I'll be embarrassed yeah but many people do feel fear of nudity I know I don't know why that is because
00:52:06
because we've been taught that it's like bad to be naked so we think it's naughty and wrong so if you own up to what you
00:52:11
have I have that what like I don't I like make sure no doors are open or windows are open oh so you have a fear
00:52:18
of nudity not like I don't know if it's so far as a fear of not like a never nude but like I I do I do like I don't
00:52:25
want anyone to see me naked even okay so so this is very interesting your partner like when you're dating somebody do you
00:52:32
not want them to see you naked unless you are going to be hooking up like if you're just like getting it out of the shower they don't you can't you don't
00:52:37
want them to see you correct right okay that's insane like I will be negative with my partner but I don't like
00:52:43
casually only when it's uh leading to something sexual yeah that's absolutely insane to me no that's not that's her
00:52:49
[ __ ] that's her feeling about her butt that's crazy time I wish I didn't have it I I agree with Bobby like I don't think that's how I I I I that's
00:52:55
and I've never even met anyone like that I don't think it's that crazy it's not that bad I couldn't date I couldn't date anyone like that well good thing you
00:53:01
guys aren't gonna think that's insane to me okay so look like even the girls I I I I've seen a couple dead girls now you
00:53:08
know I mean they they walk around the house naked so did I so do I I know yeah that's I
00:53:14
don't think I'm gonna move in with Bobby what's the problem I mean I I see we don't get naked in my house we I sleep in jeans I've never taken these jeans off so honestly how do you and your wife sleep
00:53:26
what do you mean how do we sleep completely naked yeah head to foot you wear boxes we have a single your boxers
00:53:33
no completely naked I sleep naked yeah did your wife something was a big shirt probably
00:53:39
sometimes she wears like a big comfy shirt yeah yeah or like it depends if it's cold out yeah she wears like a like
00:53:44
a something called but yeah I always sleep next I've always slept naked I love sleeping naked I refuse to have clothes on my bed insane that's great
00:53:50
why am I yeah well I love it I don't close mean nothing to me I get scared sleeping naked like I wake up like what
00:53:55
if I had to get out of the house really fast you throw something on you keep something near the bed to throw on right but what if you can't find it or a fire
00:54:01
burns them up so then you [ __ ] run out you're outside naked and then you're outside naked good fine I I did this
00:54:08
very joke on Conan go watch my Conan said I got locked out of a hotel room naked
00:54:13
go on yes go on well no because you know um I get room service right and after I'm done with it right I was eating naked
00:54:24
put it out and I put it outside and I hear a clunk and I turn around I go oh [ __ ] man
00:54:31
this sucks so I cup you know because I don't want to get in trouble do you use the lid to the room service no I walked up that is so smart I walk down the hallway and luckily they had one of
00:54:43
those phones by the elevators yeah so I called the phone guy by the way that is four naked guys that get locked out that
00:54:49
phone by the elevator the only use of that is for like hey I'm naked got locked out can't come down I'm on the 12th floor thank you that's why they
00:54:56
made that phone yeah so I picked it up I did a laugh first you have a ways to do a laugh you're not gonna believe this hi front
00:55:03
desk how can I help you yeah oh it's crazy you're not gonna believe this sure we have a lot of customers how
00:55:09
can I help you yeah I'm naked I you know I was definitely I had room service I put in the food outside the door locked
00:55:15
and then I need a key all right come on down and get a new key you can't bring it up we can't we were
00:55:20
short staffed so are you so I hear so come on down okay I will go down there but that's what they did
00:55:26
what did it they brought a guy up and they you know what I mean and and hear me here's the guy oh
00:55:34
oh here you go yeah thank you he wasn't shocked can I come in no that'd be weird please no no please no please you've never done that anything like that no I had I had a this is the
00:55:45
weirdest thing I had happen [ __ ] when I was in New York this last time I was in New York knock knock no thank you
00:55:52
knock knock knock [ __ ] I step out of the bed I'm naked getting in the shower no thank you no thank you so loud so loud
00:56:01
nothing shower shower shower everything is good dry off throw the towel down brushing my teeth naked ink ingwax oh oh hi I go no no no
00:56:14
no no out out out please no butt naked toothbrush no no no no no she stands there okay I've come back okay wow go go go go go please yeah yeah but
00:56:26
then at some point she stood a little bit too long and I was like sucks no but she stood there for a weird amount of time I was almost like I thought she was gonna go oh sorry she didn't she was like oh that come back I
00:56:39
was like yeah yeah man my cock's out please come back later yeah it's crazy but from what you're saying I should be
00:56:45
more comfortable with my [ __ ] out while I'm brushing my teeth and the cleaning lady walks in yeah I have a problem with cleaning ladies
00:56:51
but you know also have a problem with what the emerge the people that call the 911 what do you call it dispatch people dispatch people I [ __ ] hate that man the people that like help save people's
00:57:03
lives now if you watch any like podcasts about murders and stuff and you hear dispatchers yeah it's like they don't
00:57:09
they're like the most insane people on Earth it's like um my husband was just stabbed to death he's still in the house right I'm in the closet um calm down yeah calm down [ __ ]
00:57:23
my husband's dead like you know I mean I can't hear speak clearly yeah you know I
00:57:28
mean but they're they're trained to try to calm you down they're trying to no no no no I don't want them to freak out no
00:57:34
I don't want the freak out it's like or you call me and you're panicking go okay all right I'm the dispatcher guy
00:57:40
okay all right call me yes my wife my wife just stabbed everyone in our neighborhood she's coming to kill me please help help I already got the cops coming
00:57:52
it's simple as that that's good the cops are coming but you need to stay on the phone no no what am I gonna do you need
00:57:59
to gather information no I want her to knock me if you're hiding she 'll get on the phone [ __ ] all right you call me then here we go I'll be the 9 11
00:58:05
9 11. you'd be 9 11. that was my holiday all right ring ring it always takes a minute all right ring ring
00:58:18
ring ring uh 911 dispatch I can help you my whole family's Dead [Music] who did it
00:58:33
are you okay are you hurt still in the house my two kids are slaughtered oh is he close to where your kids are indeed they're dead oh they're
00:58:45
all dead well that's okay cops are near me okay well then you should quiet down a little bit huh that's how they are yeah they are like that I don't like it well
00:58:56
I think it's it's she's busy man she's heard this hook all day all day she gets these calls she's sick of this we'll get
00:59:03
get somebody else on there all right this is what you'd rather prefer ready go ahead call Bling
00:59:08
9-1-1 dispatch yeah um somebody's in the house oh my God they're how do they get in the [ __ ]
00:59:14
house holy [ __ ] how do they get in the [ __ ] house what the [ __ ] what did you do what
00:59:21
did you do [Laughter] how do you want them to react you want them to what I said what I've just said is cops are on the way yeah they should
00:59:32
have a mechanism right when you call for my landline right yeah it should just pop up wet the [ __ ]
00:59:40
house is and then press a [ __ ] red button where the cops and the ambulance go there okay well I think this is a
00:59:47
good idea yeah I thought they do that they don't do that stay on the phone to make sure your car no no you should
00:59:53
listen to some of the I I'll record them I've seen so many of them let's have Bobby just start calling 9-1-1 to just get tapes out no I just hate it that's
01:00:06
all did you ever prank 911 when you were a kid oh yeah no never you did Carlos speak up the cops showed up bad boy I
01:00:13
hate pranks I got really nervous we used to call we used to call restaurants all the time we used to call anybody we called [ __ ]
01:00:19
it for no reason it was so dumb you know we do we call a restaurant we make a [ __ ] huge reservation for that night we thought that was funny why is that
01:00:25
funny like 40 people are coming and they're like whoa okay we'll put a bunch of tables together so dumb we were
01:00:32
[ __ ] kids we were like 12. we thought that was insane we're like we're gonna [ __ ] up their whole business you know what you [ __ ] pranksters man
01:00:39
little boy Bad Boys yeah I don't like it we usually do you know what we would do we would just call random numbers me and my friend Sean would just call we'd pick
01:00:45
a number pick your local area code just hit a random number just start talking to somebody what about those kids that threw the Rocks they would go to a
01:00:52
bridge these six kids hit a guy killed a guy yeah and they took the Rock and threw over the bridge hit a car killed
01:00:58
the guy and those six kids now but not all of the kids picked up the rock what do you do in that situation well if there was somebody there that wasn't a part of it yeah though they're like like
01:01:10
we'll take turns is that me and Carlos will do the first one fine nothing hits and then now it's Jules and Anders turn you guys hit a car kill somebody do me
01:01:21
and Carlos go to prison [ __ ] yes all of us go together yeah we all go down together we didn't do that we we aimed
01:01:26
correctly you were there my dog yeah we didn't even want to throw the rock you guys made us do it yeah already see
01:01:32
you're a [ __ ] someone else turd some would argue we threw it correctly you guys missed we get a lesser sentence
01:01:39
though I think you do yeah well yes your fingerprints on it yeah but we would her
01:01:44
and I would tell the judge that you guys were with us doing it as well why would you rat us out you're here baby you're
01:01:50
going down with us you're going down with the ship dog would we if we we rat them out no no we wouldn't rat you out
01:01:56
what if you killed the [ __ ] you would and I see it in your eyes no what like like you're the cops go
01:02:03
ahead ask us what happened today Carlos uh we [ __ ] up man we we do this as a prank we really didn't mean to hit what about jet ski and Santino what do they got to do with this who yeah the redheaded guy and
01:02:16
the girl with the glass tell them they were standing right here with you we booked them with you they were just walking by you guys were not going to hide they got nothing to do with it no
01:02:22
well they told me well that's interesting they told us that they showed up with you guys well I mean they're Liars oh now foreign
01:02:30
dude welcome to police investigations they do that all the time oh they do they told us that you guys showed up together no they well they're lying I
01:02:42
don't know what the problem I literally don't know them hmm yeah they also said that uh they were the ones that threw
01:02:49
the rock not you guys no we did we did it you threw the Rock and killed that man yep they said they did it Andrew
01:02:55
well I mean they're crazy I don't know hmm yeah so you're taking the fall yeah it's three life sentences for each of you because there were three people in the car can we go with three life sentences oh yeah with no chance of
01:03:08
parole no chance of parole yeah nothing I won't die alone [Laughter] they're going to send it to different prisons no sometimes you can go together I think we can't add requested yeah you
01:03:26
can't go hey can we your honor can we get locked up at the same place yeah you can request anything yeah you can press anything that's not that's what they're gonna give it to you
01:03:36
yeah yeah you can request an espresso machine too but they're not gonna give it to you all right yeah
01:03:42
so who threw the rock we all did it yeah you're right you know what I would have done what you ask me um so who wrote through the rock George
01:03:52
Campbell no no no no see listen how he's getting defensive already with the [ __ ] voice
01:03:58
right no no no no no no immediately cops like yeah he did it listen to him yeah crazy [ __ ]
01:04:04
but those kids deserve not life though yeah sure you took a life why not you take a life you get life yeah but it's in the same um feeling of pranks right that you did
01:04:15
with the phones yeah but the phones wasn't gonna maybe kill someone on accident I think you know you're old enough to know that when you hook a rock
01:04:21
over a bridge if you try to if you hit a car something really bad is gonna happen that is true I did though in Houston
01:04:26
what what I threw not off a bridge I threw like a couple bricks with my friend Gabe off a parking garage do you
01:04:33
want this on film yeah but I mean no one died so it's okay okay all right yeah what was the pleasure of that it was it
01:04:39
wasn't a prank though that's what I'm getting at it's like you think it's like a prank this was more just like boredom in the city you were bored so you tried
01:04:45
to hit somebody with a brick I was just trying to see what it is the mentality of a serial killer I know
01:04:52
I was a kid that's when it starts we've never did that yeah I was kids too I never threw bricks at people never took
01:04:58
bricks it's not New York City I was just throwing it onto a street it was like five or six I thought you said you were
01:05:03
aiming at somebody no no no I was just like tossing it to see what would happen it was a cars there were cars yeah no
01:05:09
one got hurt though I know but my point is he knows in your mind though could you think that maybe somebody and you
01:05:15
wouldn't care no I would have cared why would you do it the Assumption was that nobody would get hit he's just moving
01:05:21
he's moving with the Assumption yeah it's crazy that's a crazy crazy behavior and by the way yeah you are getting life now now I take it
01:05:28
all back Bobby you're free to go yeah you're going alone yeah what else did you do if you did that what else did
01:05:33
you growing up in in Texas because he grew up wealthy let's get that straight and Wealthy kids get bored and they do creepy [ __ ] right they go to the forest they go out to the forest they collect animals go to the shed they
01:05:44
touch them yeah I think weirdos sexually touching them yeah you do I would run from the cops that's fine that's fine that's fine so what else did you do weird weird yeah
01:05:57
I almost went to a glory hole in Houston once I actually did it in LA but in Houston that was like scarier now did
01:06:04
you were you the glory or were you the whole I was the glory so wait you were gonna get pumped
01:06:11
yeah I was no you were pumpy you were pumper yeah I was so you there's a glory hole place in La you sign up you just go
01:06:17
hey here for the glory hole and you walk in and you do this on Craigslist whoa and it was like the middle of the night
01:06:22
this I like this go go ahead and I go to this uh apartment complex in Silver Lake
01:06:27
and they're like go to the laundry room so I go to the laundry room and I close the door behind me and there's like a
01:06:34
sheet with a hole stop stop this is good let him go what are you doing this is so insane stop it
01:06:40
and next to it is like a Dell laptop oh it's always a dell and it's like playing
01:06:46
porn it's like very generic porn it's not like anything cool or anything like that got it and uh I put my dick in in
01:06:53
the laptop no no in the hole right yeah obviously and uh I felt like a little stubble and I went I gotta get out of here
01:07:03
did you think it was slow down slow down slow down did you think it was Kate Moss behind there
01:07:09
or some [ __ ] dude well here's the thing it's like it was news how many sucks how many licks did it take to get the center of your of your sensitive side ten ten yeah ten sucks then I had to get
01:07:23
in like I had to like register the stubble all right yeah it's it was neither a guy
01:07:28
or an Armenian you thought a girl was posting on Craigslist I'm gonna I want to suck I was I was like 23 I didn't
01:07:34
know that it was like a gay thing I thought yeah had you ever talked yeah you did yeah you did have you talked to
01:07:40
any of your friends about it at the time not at the time but I've told friends since for the last so you put it through
01:07:45
the hole it felt good what made you the stumble made you stop would you not have stopped if he was
01:07:51
clean shaven I think I wouldn't have right exactly right yeah what type of porn was playing what type of porn straight straight okay yeah they I think is the appeal is that
01:08:04
it's a straight guy right right and you were the bad you're a bad boy I mean it's not all on your definition do you want to change the story now or do you want to stick with your story do
01:08:15
you want to tell us the truth that you finished or no I didn't finish I promise that I've gone this far into
01:08:21
the eyes he didn't finish in the room how do you take that home did you jerk off later no it sounds so like confused
01:08:28
it was like what was the confusion the stubble I was like I think I went into unparded territory but I mean it was
01:08:33
what's confusing a guy sucked your [ __ ] that's that's what happened to you it was like the first time so I was like there's no way right
01:08:41
that you didn't finish that's what I said not only didn't finish there's no way that you didn't know it was a dude
01:08:47
behind there I really didn't know there's no way that's that's ready he walks in the room yeah
01:08:53
hello oh you like to do you like the porn oh you have a really deep voice yeah oh yeah I'm sick go ahead and pull your [ __ ] through the
01:09:06
hole Yeah I think they don't talk on purpose yeah yeah that's insane the idea that like
01:09:12
you couldn't just I bet you by the way the sheet was just like hung cat like you could just see the guy when you walked in yeah don't walk away
01:09:19
my time oh night time yeah it was Pitch Black in there you're like walking around what's going on yeah except for the the Hue from the light of them yeah from the right and and so it was a sheet
01:09:31
right with a whole a black sheet now yeah oh now it's black did you say it was black before it was right before
01:09:38
yeah George heard away it was white boy yeah yeah honestly by the way by the way it was a hole for the mouth and there was two eye holes
01:09:50
oh [Applause] all right so so 10 10 10 10 and you were done yeah did you ever go back to another glory hole since you said you went to another one I thought yeah I went to one in Santa Monica years later
01:10:09
okay what is the lesson wasn't learned oh no what did you do in the second oh the lesson was definitely not learned I
01:10:15
was like maybe this time what happened in Santa Monica I went to this hotel off Pico Pico and Lincoln yeah not a great area I was
01:10:26
gonna say what's going on over there exactly so I go in the hotel I get directions like when you go in the
01:10:32
situation is by the closet is this Craigslist as well I think this was like a legit like
01:10:39
escort oh this was an escort this isn't like a person this was like a low end escort website it wasn't like you know
01:10:45
what it was called what was it called I think it was back page at the time yeah he knows what the [ __ ] it is I like how he pretends like he didn't know what it
01:10:51
was his Backpage is gone I saw Carla Carlos look at me right now all right I'm gonna say one thing to your I'm telling you I don't want to say one
01:10:57
thing dude this is why you're gonna die no no no no no don't do that no he's adventurous dude yeah I'm brave finish the story
01:11:11
so you go Santa Monica what yeah I go to the closet and I you go back in the closet so literal also imagine how
01:11:24
yeah you're addicted to the thrill of it I get I get what you're doing I get what it is I mean I think I would get murdered that sounds like I'm gonna get
01:11:30
murdered yeah this guy's nuts go ahead for so afraid someone's gonna just like me so okay so in the directions it says
01:11:36
hey come to this hotel yeah I'm in this room like the door will be unlocked already okay and walk up to the closet
01:11:43
and there'll be another there'll be a sheet it was another big sheep stuff it's the same guy same guy
01:11:53
it's the same guy same guy hey good to see you again [Laughter] so I put my dick in this time I finished
01:12:14
and I was like on the way home I was like that was probably a guy it was yeah and then I was like okay got that over with I guess you knocked it out yeah but no no
01:12:27
payment was needed no but I'm also like chill about gay [ __ ] like I had a guy like come on to me in an Uber he likes he like kissed me and I like kiss back
01:12:37
for like the fun of it wait what do you mean in an Uber you're just in sharing an Uber I was in an Uber with a co-worker and I kissed back because I
01:12:44
didn't want him to feel like I was homophobic or something George who did what co-worker no it wasn't it fancy it
01:12:50
was that Vanderpump dogs at the dog rescue and there's like this you guys were taking an Uber were you drinking
01:12:55
was he drinking he was drinking and he just turned you and started kissing drinking too you were yeah and he just
01:13:00
turned and kissed you yeah like tongue everything it was crazy and like I didn't want to be like oh gay and like
01:13:06
push them off like I didn't want to do that so I went into like acting mode and you acted like you liked it yeah I was like Kate Winslet or something or
01:13:18
like like MTV best it's an interesting yeah Kate Winslet why Kate Winslet well he goes I mean because I wanted to give a good performance
01:13:29
that's why I was thinking of a good actor right so so Daniel Day Lewis all right Justin okay no no he's Kate
01:13:35
Winslow okay so you got into character Kate yeah and it at any point did Art imitate life did her life imitate art
01:13:41
did you start to go maybe that was okay I like that no I didn't get hard and then I
01:13:47
um I believe I no I texted my friend Elizabeth and I was like this guy at work just like made out with me in a car
01:13:54
but I kissed back it's all weird and like weird as in I'm curious about my feelings it was just weird like I it was like me too like a me too situation
01:14:06
almost you felt threatened you felt like you were powerless you felt this person took advantage of you yeah definitely but you just said you kissed back though
01:14:12
too did you like it you didn't like it I didn't like it I didn't like the survival skill right like when I was in bed with the casting director on Molly I
01:14:19
was just like survival skill trying to get out of it wait wait stop you were outside a party oh wait wait you were with a casting director a big
01:14:31
one and you did it for what so you can get an acting part no I was at a party that he was also at
01:14:37
oh is it he yeah it was a male casting can I ask you something Carlos yeah no Carlos I promise I'm not gay it's fine hey we don't we support you are you
01:14:49
bisexual are you bisexual I feel I'm I don't think I am but I think if sexuality is on a spectrum I'm probably
01:14:56
like more how did you end up in bed with the casting director I took drugs and then I've taken a lot of drugs I've never been in bed with a guest it was my first time taking ecstasy right it is
01:15:07
fun yeah and like I was in that moment with the Ecstasy where it was like very overpowering and I I couldn't leave the bed and this guy like got in bed and was like come on baby like like please
01:15:20
please or whatever and he's like kissing me and I felt very taken advantage of right so what'd you do
01:15:27
I was just kind of like pushing him away and then after that part though yeah we didn't hook up no let's be real dude no
01:15:32
I prom I promise we didn't nothing happened you didn't go but the pushing Felt So Good get back over here come back wait come
01:15:49
back I feel like that's how I know though right don't get hard with men right yeah that's one of the way I guess that's one of the ways yeah that's insane that's great you know what I've
01:16:01
learned a lot about you and now after all this given knowledge yeah will he die alone yes all right
01:16:07
what do you think no I think he's gonna find I think he's gonna fall in love I think he might meet someone that's uh
01:16:13
you know maybe someone trans maybe maybe fall in love with someone trans and you get Best
01:16:18
of Both Worlds I'll tell you why on like dating apps I always accidentally swipe right on trans
01:16:24
accidentally eh and then but no no wait what do you mean accidentally because I'm like oh hot girl a nice swipe right
01:16:30
and I'm like wait a second I saw tra let me go back and see if it really you know he you know he tells himself whoops just
01:16:36
so he goes oh whoops he says it knowing right I was an accident it makes him feel better I love you dude oh whoops well I'm glad you're I'm glad you have Clarity very interesting well
01:16:47
um I want to say this I do hope we get one more [ __ ] Story by season by the end of this
01:16:54
season of this year so maybe enact it okay I'd love to hear one more [ __ ] story out of you I can I'm sure I could
01:17:01
find it do you think you have a sexual addiction or just an addiction to the excitement
01:17:07
something about like yeah I mean I I I feel the same way I understand that excitement it's almost as if like the
01:17:15
excitement is you know building up to the mystery of what's going to happen is better than the actual event oh always
01:17:20
right it's always about right so I understand that like when I'm on dates and stuff like that's like what's gonna happen I I get that yeah but to me it's
01:17:27
like there's a limit right if I feel like you're taking it to the next level yeah I mean it's not like you know
01:17:33
yesterday I was doing this but I've definitely had times in my 20s because you've had struggles with drug addiction
01:17:38
and alcoholism I think you and I have the same kind of like you know problems not problems but yeah
01:17:45
yeah problems I would say you know and I just say um do you think that you need help in any kind of way or you're fine I
01:17:51
don't think I need help okay yeah let's move on good okay good we love you a part of the show please stay part of the show because um you're [ __ ] crazy as [ __ ] I love you I love you too
01:18:02
I feel like I just admitted to like a drug addiction you did it's okay we'll get great yeah you work
01:18:09
hard enough we'll get I'm so glad that the episode turned this way yeah it really got good juicy sign us out thank
01:18:14
you for being a bad friend foreign [Music]