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Hi, America! | Ep 6 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee

March 23, 2020 / 01:42:09

This episode features discussions on the coronavirus, grocery shopping habits, and the hosts' experiences with pets. Bobby Lee and Andrew Santino share humorous anecdotes about their lives during quarantine.

Bobby talks about his experience with a Korean meal while on a mission and how his girlfriend, Kalila, has been keeping him indoors. He humorously compares her behavior to that of someone living in a war zone.

The hosts also discuss their grocery shopping experiences, highlighting the differences in their snack choices, with Bobby expressing his desire for junk food while Kalila opts for healthier options.

They touch on the topic of pets, with Bobby sharing his newfound love for cats and the bond he has developed with his girlfriend's cat, Ming. He reflects on how his perspective on animals has changed.

The episode concludes with a light-hearted discussion about the challenges of performing stand-up during the pandemic and the impact of the virus on their careers.

TL;DR

Bobby Lee and Andrew Santino humorously discuss quarantine life, grocery shopping, and their experiences with pets and stand-up comedy during the pandemic.

Episode

1:42:09

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when I was there fighting him [ __ ]

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Koreans yeah I got to tell you I came

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down from a tough chopper mission yeah

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one of them little nice Korean birds she

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fed fed me some some what she called was

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techo she said tuck Oh

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yeah well yeah you whole goody starving

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what is that DC is a meat loaf

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oh I love me some [ __ ] meat level oh

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thank you so much what's your name young

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oh nice to meet you gone

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[Music]

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[Laughter]

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[Music]

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I feel we're back we're back we're back

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we're back oh thank God thank God we're

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back because um I haven't left the house

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in five [ __ ] days rah kalila kept you

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in jail she acts like it's 1939 Poland

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don't go outside they'll see you hide

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under the floorboards

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the Germans are here though yeah it's

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it's it's she's act I know George is a

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Nazi with 100%

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should we she's sexy recorder it's like

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shotgun you know I mean and like the

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blue apron guy comes up to the driveway

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right leave it up that's what she's

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doing that's what she's doing it's just

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it's out of control and you're freaking

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out she's acting Craig are you getting

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any sleep no sleep yeah it's like it

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it's she's acting out like it's the end

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of the world look at your gloves by the

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way lift up let's just show the camera

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why yeah look at how dirty that is yeah

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it's all corona it's all corona and then

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you see did you see the girl licking the

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toilet seat air on the airplane hope she

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dies did you watch it yeah it's dumb

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it's fun [ __ ] real it's unreal and I

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mean it I have to say this too and I

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hope I don't get in trouble you don't

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have to say something that's gonna get

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me in very big trouble is so I had a

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conversation with our dear friend Eric

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Griffin which is a dear friend of mine

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he's like one of my best friends if like

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you know he's like a brother

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yeah is he not yeah so we're talking

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today on the phone is I I'm like yeah

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I'm worried because I smoke I'm getting

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older in 40 a he's like and I go I once

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the corona virus hits me I think I'm

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gonna be one of those casualties he goes

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yeah that definitely dude you for sure

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he's like me I've been taking vitamins

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and I'm you know I mean I know

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mac and cheese are vitamins you know

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because me I'm fine taking my hormone

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pills my vitamins I go if I die Eric

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you're gonna die all right

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as soon as Crona fire hits your body

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gone love's gonna squirt out of your

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black Kitty's Chocolat chaud chocolate

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let's get a squirt off

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he's just gonna his eyes gonna roll back

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he's gonna go into convulsions he's

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gonna die and he nicely

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Eric Griffith I love you bro but don't

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tell me that you're [ __ ] Carl Lewis

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because you're not alright if he if you

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die he dies land oh by the way that's

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why I did this you can see my facial

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hair this is in this is uh this is

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because Eric shaved his did you see Eric

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with this did you see this yes let's

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show that let's show our viewer I know

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Eric Griffin shaved his mustache for

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those that haven't seen it okay first of

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all this has been Eric since I've known

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him yeah he's had a mustache since I've

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since 1932 I said that 32 he's a

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mustache and now yeah I think it's got

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to be maybe on his on his Instagram he

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shaved his mustache and I look at this

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[ __ ] oh my god no upper lip look

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at that's thinner than mine yeah you

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know why he forgot the reason why he

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grew it in the first place is to hide

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the ugly right when you through grow a

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[ __ ] thick mustache like that is to

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hide something well you have to yeah

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okay look at that Brad Williams what did

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your coronavirus do here must have no he

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knows we love them together I just can't

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believe look at those look it's a

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cartoon nose so look at those look at

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those nose hairs are really trying to

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poke out on ya like Disney animation

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made that nose folks right that's like

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from somebody's imagination yeah it's

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bad what did you what did you you could

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do you guys go did you do grocery

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shopping or nothing

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we're getting everything livered Amazon

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you know to delivery yeah you know and

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then um so that I'd the other day I go I

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want chips just get me whatever kind of

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chips right yeah she [ __ ] orders

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these [ __ ] hemp kale seed chips [ __ ]

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I'm a Doritos I want to read o's that's

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the new app I want doritos that what

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nacho cheese [ __ ] is that what you get

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now hey whatever man it's like she's

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getting all the stuff that she would eat

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you know right like [ __ ] that she's like

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healthy you know I mean if we're gonna

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if miss apocalypse if we're gonna die

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give me Twinkies yeah let me eat let me

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do we did that I went shot

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I bought the [ __ ] I never there's six

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things a mac and cheese in my fridge

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there's the Kraft oh my god don't [ __ ]

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with it there's four there's four

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there's four whatever let's move on no

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no but why can't I think I have no idea

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because you're making it up let's know

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we went to grocery shopping yesterday we

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bought we bought mac and cheese

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I thought big bags of beef jerky I

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really liked before yeah yeah that's

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what I thought that's what was ruffles I

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was trying to think of the name of the

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brand ruffles oh but I bought sour cream

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and cheddar which are her favorite yeah

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my old bags favorite I bought all

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dressed which is Canadian do you know

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all dressed you don't you don't know all

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dressed holy [ __ ] do you guys know all

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dressed all dressed is the most popular

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brand in Canada it's salt sea salt and

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vinegar barbecue sauce yeah it's like

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combining both of those chips it just

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seems like something that white people

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would like it is that's what we invented

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almost everything so I'm gonna pass on

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it you're gonna what kind of you want

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fish sauce no and the one you said

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earlier before the cameras were on I

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said we're hunkering down we're making

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stuff and you just said out of the blue

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you said dog why would you say that cuz

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you said we're making we're making stuff

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at the out of the blue I just said dog

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I know but no not as a term of

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endearment like my dog no you're my

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buddy I don't think that that what is I

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did see that I think you did I did see a

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video this morning a girl sent me of

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them cooking a live dog in China

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oh this video circulating now all the

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[ __ ] up [ __ ] they're doing you know

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what it's like you know you've heard of

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the Yulin dog eating festival yeah what

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the [ __ ] what did you place when you

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were over it what did you place were you

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first or second or third they took the

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bronze yeah yeah because I wouldn't eat

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that pitbull yeah you wouldn't know just

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too angry much yeah you know what I mean

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of energy yeah I like I like Yorkshire

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Terriers oh they good so tender what's

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the what's the softest now let me say

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something right now Yorkshire Terrier

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puppy yeah it's like sashimi is if you

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if you if you kill a newborn Yorkshire

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Terrier right yeah you just slice

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when it's alive preferably you will you

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can't kill him first because if you kill

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him the muscles get to lie so you got

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you just have to like while they're

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alive right you slice open the belly

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they make it they make a sound what is

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this and you just slice open like the

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belly meat oh my god that's right you

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drink the blood yes I do of course I do

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because you know I'm a warrior but my

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point is is this is that we don't do

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that I have three dogs at home and I

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love them more than other humans so that

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pit bit we just did was a job was a joke

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you know dogs aren't dogs can't get it

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good they confirmed dogs can't get

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Corona various huh cats I don't really

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care about cats even a little bit they

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can get it in fact I hope every cat gets

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it okay I want to say this right now I

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hope every last me gets Corona you have

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no you know what it is you you cats like

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Asians it's the same [ __ ] impression

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no no no I want to see videos of cats

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online with Corona yeah yeah just a

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little leg and they're coughing here's

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the thing you don't know about cat song

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go ahead do you ever live with one no

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okay I would never but that's how I do

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so when I here's the deal no when I make

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kalila I was the type of guy that if I

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saw any animal I mean I would speed up

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to hit to hit it I didn't give a [ __ ] a

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dog I don't go [ __ ] right you want to

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kill the animal because I never know sup

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that that is this I'd never knew the

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bond that you could have with an animal

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that's right when you're not raised with

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it necessarily you're not gonna really

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care right so what what happened was I

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met kalila my girlfriend on the Tinder's

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and she I spent the night at her house

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one night and we had a she had a cat

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named Ming but it was a kitten it was

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about this small and and I slept on her

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bed and Ming would sleep on my shoulder

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and I just wanted to

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grab it and just squeeze the life out of

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ya what I don't know I just didn't like

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him okay right but then one day

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kalila went out of town and I was living

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it on beechwood yeah and she goes um can

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you take care of Ming for a week and I

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don't know what happened but being one

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day I came home and she was just sitting

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there and she goes like welcome home and

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I [ __ ] fell in love with this thing

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man

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she's like I love being more than most

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of my cousin's like if my cousin Annie I

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don't I mean yeah if my cousin Andy died

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yesin to me man yeah I am this is call

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me call you're my other cousin Carlton

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tell me if Andy died call me hello hey

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Bob what's up dude why you so sad

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oh man you wanna buried it right yeah

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Andy died all right okay well I'll talk

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to you later okay okay hang up yep

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PlayStation no I will probably have

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tears but I would still play like think

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about them you know yeah I'm not gonna

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stop the game but if being died it's it

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would I would be devastated for years so

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Ming is gonna die and I'll be devastated

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if any of my cats have three cats if any

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of them die I love them love them so

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much in that that the thing is is that

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you just don't know no I know cats you

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don't know I don't like him I don't

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trust him they don't greet you the same

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when you come home my dog is at the door

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wagging wagging her tail she's so

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excited to see me when the owner is

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waiting for me my one of my middle cat

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is waiting for me at the door and where

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are the other two the other two are

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hiding

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they're not hiding but the relaxing bro

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they're two different [ __ ] things

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they do all that all they do all day is

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relax

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can you play fetch with a cat oh no you

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can play other things what you can do

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the [ __ ] the laser okay

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that's fun as well friend cats are

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always it's always a fat guys best

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friend

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you can laser from your fat couch no and

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okay you can do one of the dangly things

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it hits no also can't you [ __ ] you

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don't know nothing about cats here you

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don't have to take it for a walk did you

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know this - it's like it catches a

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thinking man sanim and it poops inside

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did you know that people men who love

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cats are more college-educated and

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smarter than the them where did that

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statistic the stats look at the stats

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but look at Marlon Brando Marlon Brando

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bro a lot about us right yeah

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Sir Patrick Stewart's Durer Picard

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nothing Picard he loves cats a bra okay

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yeah all great ooh there's plenty of

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smart guys that love dogs yeah but it

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just statistically smarter people I'm

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not buying into this google it you

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you're so fast at [ __ ] googling [ __ ]

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google it [ __ ] how could you have what

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would I search tell me what would I

00:12:48

search George was easy sir what could I

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even search what intelligence versus

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processed owner versus dog owners versus

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dog yes this is gonna be some [ __ ]

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the research revealed that the owners

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are the two animals have to have

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different personalities cat lovers being

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more sensitive and open-minded and then

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dog loggers who are largely energetic

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that's right Carol University in

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Wisconsin cat owner scored highly on

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intelligent than dog owners there we go

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but all shall we go but also more

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sensitive and what open-minded you're

00:13:31

that's what I told you about Bill

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O'Reilly earlier dude you're a

00:13:34

closed-off angry man act fact oh look at

00:13:39

this a study by Carroll University also

00:13:42

found that people who like cats in

00:13:44

general tend to be total [ __ ] losers

00:13:48

that says it right in the study if

00:13:53

you're more introverted and sensitive

00:13:54

maybe you're more at home reading a book

00:13:56

and your cat doesn't wanna go outside

00:13:57

for a walk and I just want to read a

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book and not go walk no I would get

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outside you fat lazy piece of [ __ ] yeah

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get outside yeah go outside take a walk

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you know what you are doing

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yeah in the movie

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look at me right now stop [ __ ] put

00:14:12

your fingers on that [ __ ] thing you

00:14:13

know what you are bro yeah you ever see

00:14:15

the movie War of the Worlds mm-hmm

00:14:16

you're the kind of guy that as soon as

00:14:19

that thing [ __ ] hit right that you're

00:14:20

gonna go investigate the crater and then

00:14:23

the machine comes out of Earth and

00:14:24

you're gonna get it you need guys like

00:14:26

me dude yeah we're in the house heading

00:14:28

our [ __ ] little [ __ ] you know

00:14:29

kitten Yeah right and we're alive no

00:14:32

yeah you're angry

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yeah you need anger management there let

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me see how many people that fight in the

00:14:37

armed services are cat people versus dog

00:14:39

people the people that defend this

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[ __ ] country yeah that's what I see

00:14:42

how many of them you're grunt are cat

00:14:44

people that's fine

00:14:45

none you why because they're grunting

00:14:47

somebody should be on the front line

00:14:49

doing the aggressive let's get outside

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let's attack the day instead of just

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pipe yeah smoking jacket fire right on

00:15:05

my [ __ ] thing right that's what I am

00:15:09

from you [ __ ] idiot you guys are

00:15:13

[ __ ] animals bro that's why you like

00:15:15

dogs I like dogs those are best no the

00:15:18

bad they're not that the best yeah

00:15:18

they're the best but actually but could

00:15:20

I say that 93 dogs and three cats right

00:15:23

yeah I love both because I am both

00:15:27

you're just one-dimensional I'm just a

00:15:30

dog yeah and you're I have a divinations

00:15:33

right right I have all I'm very more

00:15:36

you're more well-rounded you're more

00:15:42

well-rounded than I ended you're much

00:15:45

more well-rounded than I because I'm fat

00:15:46

what because I'm circular in shape

00:15:48

that's not what I said okay

00:15:50

anyway um I look like hands look iiiii

00:15:55

don't hate cats this has all been a bit

00:15:56

I don't I don't want any inside of my

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house I don't like hair I don't like

00:16:00

hair and I don't like that they poop

00:16:01

inside the another box but that's fun

00:16:03

disgusting it's inside your house all

00:16:04

right it's what we do anyway what do you

00:16:07

do wrong for me you clean it yeah of

00:16:09

course I clean that you [ __ ] it idiot

00:16:11

okay so why not just do it outside what

00:16:14

I did was I created a [ __ ] cat door

00:16:17

and I have an AK extra compartment

00:16:20

outside that's enclosed that they pee

00:16:23

and poo you can

00:16:24

smell it so they go outside in a you

00:16:27

know like a shack that I had built okay

00:16:29

dad I'm cool with ya and that's what I

00:16:31

did I love that you have to I think if

00:16:33

you don't have thumbs you have to poop

00:16:34

outside that's my rule oh really

00:16:35

you're so if you don't have thumbs you

00:16:37

have to poop outside that's my rule

00:16:39

anyhoo my buddy mark has no thumbs

00:16:41

I can't believe make him poop outside in

00:16:43

the yard anywho anywho last Thursday

00:16:49

yeah it was crazy because so I called my

00:16:53

agents Wednesday you know and I go

00:16:55

because I wouldn't Denver and I go I

00:16:58

don't think I should go and you know

00:17:01

your agents you should go Bobby no one

00:17:03

else's can't want to make money

00:17:04

no one's canceling go you have to go and

00:17:07

I go because you sold out the rooms you

00:17:11

know six shows yeah I should do the

00:17:13

shows and you got to do it and I'm like

00:17:15

thinking you know I don't know if this

00:17:16

could get crazy I should make the money

00:17:18

right so I fly over there and it's

00:17:21

really one of the best comedy clubs ever

00:17:24

yeah the Denver comedy I can't talk good

00:17:26

and I can't talk anymore good about it

00:17:27

it oh really either it's one of the past

00:17:29

it's just structurally the staff

00:17:31

everything the owner everything about it

00:17:33

is perfect yeah but so I do the first

00:17:37

show but you know how its set up but

00:17:38

you're on the stage and the audience is

00:17:41

around on the stage they're on the stage

00:17:43

with you much so it's like it's not as

00:17:46

if you're like levitated above them and

00:17:48

there's a gap you're like amongst them

00:17:51

so as soon as I walked out there I was

00:17:54

like this it didn't feel right you get

00:17:56

nervous not just nervous it was just

00:17:58

like what the [ __ ] am i doing and then

00:18:00

in between shows Kevin Kristy and I am

00:18:02

eye-opener by the way our emcee there

00:18:05

Georgia was amazing but anyway Georgia I

00:18:08

forgot her last rook's I know she's

00:18:10

great is she a local in Denver yeah okay

00:18:12

I don't know yeah and I turned to Kevin

00:18:15

I go we gotta get out of here and

00:18:18

especially this is is that they were

00:18:21

refunding tickets understandably yeah

00:18:24

but then I'm like if you're refunding

00:18:27

the tickets then I'm not gonna make any

00:18:29

money you're gonna lose money yeah a lot

00:18:32

of it right so then I just kind of went

00:18:34

I'm [ __ ] out here but it's crazy the

00:18:36

fact that I even went out there in the

00:18:37

[ __ ]

00:18:38

first one sued I'll give you that so I

00:18:39

just got back from Chicago I canceled my

00:18:42

show this is the craziest part the

00:18:44

governor Pritzker or the mayor or

00:18:47

whatever of Chicago Pritzker said venues

00:18:51

with 250 or more they highly suggest

00:18:53

this was then highly suggested not doing

00:18:56

a show I got a call from my agent

00:18:57

they're like Live Nation says they're

00:18:59

okay with you doing it it's up to you so

00:19:00

he put it on my shoulders oh you to do

00:19:03

the show oh yeah

00:19:04

Natalya Hall is like 600 something like

00:19:06

that just around 6:00 and I said okay so

00:19:09

I'm doubling the rule already get sold

00:19:12

out yeah and I was like I'm doubling it

00:19:17

was it was actually sold out way earlier

00:19:18

and I should have done two shows but but

00:19:23

i but they put it on me and I was really

00:19:25

upset genuinely I'm not joking around I

00:19:26

was like actually mad pacing in my mom's

00:19:28

living room because I was like well this

00:19:31

is gonna be my fault if I do the show

00:19:32

and something bad happens if a few

00:19:34

people come and get sick they're gonna

00:19:36

write in the [ __ ] in the tribute

00:19:37

Andrew Santino decides to put on a show

00:19:39

despite what's going on right in the

00:19:41

city of Chicago why because all the

00:19:43

other theaters are closed down the bars

00:19:44

and clubs were already starting to close

00:19:45

down so then I was like well it's on me

00:19:47

so then I cancelled I put out a [ __ ]

00:19:49

thing on Facebook being like hey I'm

00:19:50

sorry

00:19:51

I can't do this like I just can't and

00:19:55

most people are supportive cuz they get

00:19:58

it it's so funny that some people are

00:19:59

like oh way to succumb to the [ __ ]

00:20:01

media yeah you're like what are you out

00:20:04

of your [ __ ] mind I know you watch

00:20:08

what you're saying now at this point

00:20:09

forward huh

00:20:10

because you're gonna because there are

00:20:12

people out there yeah that believe that

00:20:14

this is fake a liberal agenda and that

00:20:18

the fake news which is you know CNN and

00:20:21

SM they're [ __ ] morons don't what I

00:20:24

said watch what you're saying if you

00:20:26

think this is fail yeah you're a [ __ ]

00:20:27

[ __ ] this is reai know but just ease it

00:20:31

because some people have certain okay

00:20:32

you know if you think this is fake no no

00:20:36

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that better help calm slash bad friends

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people people are mistaking the fact

00:24:29

that we didn't cancel shows because we

00:24:33

wanted to cancel the shows we cancelled

00:24:36

shows because you feel like you might be

00:24:37

putting other people in danger or in

00:24:39

harm's way and I don't want to be

00:24:41

responsible for other people being put

00:24:42

in harm's way yeah so that's why I did

00:24:45

it

00:24:47

Mumbai the way if you think we want to

00:24:49

cancel shows and lose money

00:24:51

what the [ __ ] or hope three months of

00:24:53

both of our tours are done that's our

00:24:54

livelihood so it's not like I'm like

00:24:56

yeah [ __ ] them I don't care I'd rather

00:24:58

just chill do the I want to do the

00:25:00

opposite I want to be in Boston right

00:25:01

now yeah I want to be [ __ ] in

00:25:03

Cincinnati next weekend that's not that

00:25:06

that's my

00:25:07

biggest problem is people online saying

00:25:10

[ __ ]

00:25:10

making it up that it's not really that

00:25:12

is is that people don't realize is that

00:25:15

you know I'm not D'Elia

00:25:18

I'm not Chris D'Elia or Whitney Cummings

00:25:21

I don't have that kind of money right so

00:25:24

I rely on going on the road and making

00:25:26

money I need to do it yeah right yeah

00:25:29

you know and so I mean I'm so happy for

00:25:32

the two I just mentioned and they're

00:25:33

very good people and you know they

00:25:35

deserve you know I mean but I don't like

00:25:37

either I know but I need to go out there

00:25:39

and I rely on road money yeah to survive

00:25:43

and so it's not an easy decision not to

00:25:46

go I'm gonna go home yeah yeah yeah but

00:25:50

um I think in light of what's happening

00:25:52

listen this thing probably isn't gonna

00:25:55

kill anyone in this room but mmm studies

00:25:59

say that I hope that doesn't I mean why

00:26:02

did you say that because now they're

00:26:04

gonna use this loop at our funeral is

00:26:06

probably isn't gonna kill someone in

00:26:08

this room and then it's off music kicks

00:26:10

in what's the space though it's the

00:26:12

fancy bean or that's gonna die if I get

00:26:18

canceled for that say that no you said

00:26:20

fancy in front of it cuz Spanish Spanish

00:26:22

people are fancy [ __ ] yeah vanish

00:26:26

people they don't do coffee they drink

00:26:27

the ones with a little bit espresso the

00:26:29

expresso yeah and he goes I am drinking

00:26:32

espresso when I came in he was he was

00:26:35

whittling his own shoes that's how he's

00:26:38

they're really talented those guys but

00:26:40

they say that like young people that get

00:26:43

coronavirus they lose 20% of their lung

00:26:47

function told me now but I'm only

00:26:48

functioning on 20% lung functions as it

00:26:51

is so if I get it I'll have a zero lung

00:26:53

function yeah

00:26:54

I'll die immediately in both lungs or is

00:26:57

it just in one long I don't know but

00:26:58

like a Belgian doctor was analyzing

00:27:01

young patients that had the corona virus

00:27:05

and he said the results are [ __ ]

00:27:07

terrifying I know I saw some of the

00:27:09

x-rays online you can look up some of

00:27:10

the x-rays online of people that are

00:27:11

getting it it's creepy as [ __ ] yeah

00:27:13

and they show what it looks like in your

00:27:15

lungs kind of like how pneumonia looks

00:27:17

kind of creepy in your lungs it is and

00:27:19

the reason why we're

00:27:20

acting accordingly is because it's not

00:27:23

because I believe that I'm gonna die

00:27:26

from it I just don't want to pass it on

00:27:28

to another person I don't mean it's like

00:27:30

you don't want to be carrying this thing

00:27:32

now just like making other people sick

00:27:35

Ryan

00:27:36

so let's you know do our due diligence

00:27:39

right and just kind of be you know the

00:27:43

the fancy african-american actor from

00:27:46

England got it let's let's try to get

00:27:48

there together yeah yeah yeah his first

00:27:52

name rhymes with me Jai Abu Childress

00:27:57

sounds like children I don't know I

00:27:58

Idris Idris hmm

00:28:01

what's the last name sounds like Felber

00:28:04

Idris Elba sounds Idris Elba BAM that's

00:28:09

an e drous Elba yourself I got the fancy

00:28:11

English african-american him actor got

00:28:16

it who else got it he's first of all

00:28:17

he's an American first he's American

00:28:19

American he's not an African American

00:28:20

he's an American but he's from England

00:28:22

yeah so he's actually an English African

00:28:25

American yeah okay my passion American

00:28:27

African my back my back my better I

00:28:29

don't know much about him great after

00:28:31

that Tom Hanks loved among cats

00:28:33

Tom Hanks and his wife cats won the best

00:28:35

movie of the year I'm gonna I bought it

00:28:37

I'm gonna watch it tonight it's so good

00:28:39

yeah I'm not kidding it's one of the

00:28:40

best movies I've ever seen a wait to

00:28:41

watch it

00:28:42

cats is amazing okay maybe now I like

00:28:45

cats

00:28:45

okay I take it okay yeah Tom Hanks and

00:28:48

Rita Wilson his wife yeah these are all

00:28:50

the famous people that got it oh here's

00:28:51

a guy that you don't even know but it it

00:28:54

hit my brother and I hard Miguel Arteta

00:28:57

who's Miguel Arteta the killer today so

00:29:00

I don't know if you guys know this but I

00:29:02

I love soccer

00:29:04

oh and I've all my life I miss Carol I

00:29:08

don't even how to spell that mikl Arteta

00:29:12

he got he has it yeah poor Miguel Arteta

00:29:16

sorry keep going

00:29:17

there is Miguel Arteta right there and

00:29:19

Miguel Arteta was a midfielder for

00:29:21

Arsenal Arsenal's my favorite team of

00:29:23

all God he's good luck in yeah and

00:29:25

Mikkel Arteta is now the manager of

00:29:27

Arsenal FC

00:29:28

right and he has it and he is the coach

00:29:32

how come it doesn't say that he has

00:29:35

good put Miguel Arteta coronavirus I

00:29:37

think it would pop up if he had it just

00:29:39

[ __ ] say coronavirus I don't know man

00:29:41

I feel like that would be the first

00:29:42

thing that would come up don't you think

00:29:48

Corona voice upstate as Arsenal boss

00:29:50

sends he's doing better he's in recovery

00:29:53

he's in recovery god damn he's [ __ ]

00:29:56

good looking very good I'd suck a fart

00:29:59

out of his ass he played for Everton but

00:30:01

now we eat then he went to Arsenal now

00:30:02

he's the man he's very down do you think

00:30:04

so many soccer players are so much

00:30:05

better-looking than other athletes cuz

00:30:07

they'd have to use only their feet that

00:30:09

doesn't matter though yeah because in

00:30:11

football you have to use your head okay

00:30:13

what about basketball how come they

00:30:14

don't have to use much you know what I

00:30:16

think it's because these cannot are

00:30:17

proportionally sized that's not what it

00:30:19

is these guys aren't big guys would you

00:30:21

do clingy and the bigger you get the

00:30:23

more we're doing all right you have to

00:30:30

understand it in yours what I really

00:30:31

think about the whole thing but I think

00:30:32

I [ __ ] go ahead I need a drink you

00:30:39

have to understand that in in Europe

00:30:41

right in America if you're an athlete

00:30:43

you're young man right you dream of

00:30:46

being either in basketball baseball

00:30:49

football there's so many options for you

00:30:52

all right but in Europe the number one

00:30:55

sport is soccer so the whole world split

00:30:59

in Europe too

00:31:00

so you have to understand that most

00:31:02

people kids growing up the athletic they

00:31:05

all go into soccer right so they're

00:31:08

getting not only the best athletic

00:31:10

people in soccer but then you're getting

00:31:12

also good looking why would that

00:31:13

correlate to that's amazing just because

00:31:17

you're the best athlete I'm still you're

00:31:18

still not proving my point you're still

00:31:19

not proving the point why would they be

00:31:21

the best looking just because of the

00:31:22

best athletes there is no direct

00:31:25

correlation between the best athletes

00:31:26

but it just so happens that many people

00:31:28

in soccer you want my you want my guess

00:31:30

and I bet you old old fancy B over there

00:31:32

can tell us see it because I said it I

00:31:34

want you to get cancelled - no cuz I'm

00:31:36

white alright you can do it fancy B

00:31:39

we'll call you that fancy B knows that

00:31:42

like spanning a lot of the Spanish that

00:31:44

get you know that yeah there could there

00:31:46

a lot of money right a lot of money

00:31:48

you know money and looks money money and

00:31:50

looks have this thing that come together

00:31:51

hmm

00:31:52

that's right now there you and I are

00:31:53

that good looking we didn't our parents

00:31:54

don't have a lot of money people that

00:31:56

are rich usually are good-looking and

00:31:57

they have good-looking kids because they

00:31:58

[ __ ] people they're all so good-looking

00:32:00

Yeah right if you are of this small ilk

00:32:03

of people that are rich and good-looking

00:32:04

and have athletic genes cuz usually

00:32:06

that's what comes along with good looks

00:32:07

then you make Mikkel Arteta

00:32:09

could I tell you somebody bet you his

00:32:11

parents are [ __ ] to look at Freddie

00:32:13

Youngberg Freddie young burger just

00:32:15

gonna be jerking off to soccer yeah yeah

00:32:17

Freddie Youngberg is an Arsenal X

00:32:20

Arsenal player too Freddie o Youngberg

00:32:23

Youngberg this guy even though even bald

00:32:26

he's [ __ ] yeah but look at a young

00:32:28

young no but I'm saying even bald he's

00:32:30

good look at my point he was young

00:32:31

though oh my [ __ ] god

00:32:33

right there yeah yeah yeah go that's all

00:32:37

goodness [ __ ] joy live with dick yeah

00:32:39

suck it his joy line yeah yeah there's

00:32:42

somebody you're right ruin all those

00:32:44

handsome Cristiano Ronaldo isn't

00:32:46

handsome he is gorgeous big difference

00:32:49

he's gorgeous yeah handsome guys are

00:32:52

like Jon Hamm is handsome yeah yeah yeah

00:32:55

Cristiano Ronaldo is [ __ ] stunning

00:32:57

that guy dripped sex yeah I'm not

00:33:00

kidding dude I'm not gay at all anymore

00:33:03

maybe I got rid of it yeah I want to

00:33:06

show you something when I when I not

00:33:08

kidding when i see Ronaldo on TV yeah I

00:33:10

get why some people feel gay sometimes

00:33:14

yeah

00:33:15

he's [ __ ] hot yeah his hair is nice

00:33:18

his smile his eyes are cute imagine what

00:33:21

his butt looks like who were an old aldo

00:33:23

imagine when his naked butt looks like

00:33:25

no cellulite a perfect crest between his

00:33:28

thigh and his tush but I'm gonna I'm

00:33:30

gonna give you you can get it right now

00:33:32

I'm going to say this though soccer

00:33:33

players too right mmm-hmm the extremes

00:33:38

opposite could happen as well yeah

00:33:40

there's no [ __ ] it was there was a guy

00:33:42

that for Everton he was the manager of

00:33:44

Everton but then he managed Manchester

00:33:46

United yeah his name is he also played

00:33:48

even more yeah bring it up but put young

00:33:51

gave it more yes young David Moyes yeah

00:33:54

mo ye Zi mo y es young David Moyes areas

00:33:59

the first guitar the first photo

00:34:03

[ __ ] it's me oh yeah yeah [ __ ] it's me

00:34:08

so that can happen as well right but

00:34:11

that's rare no it's not I can name you

00:34:13

so many ugly is he British though he's

00:34:16

Scottish

00:34:16

same thing same yeah but that's why it

00:34:19

is how I knew he was Scottish this right

00:34:21

here yeah at all the mouth yeah that's a

00:34:28

dare bad with that [ __ ] over there and

00:34:30

I'm not saying they don't do that Brits

00:34:31

and Scots aren't like that anymore by

00:34:32

the way they've advanced [ __ ] but

00:34:34

back then yeah they oh that was old joke

00:34:35

like Brits had bad teeth guess what they

00:34:37

did they had [ __ ] terrible teeth and

00:34:39

look at the skin vampiress good vampire

00:34:41

skin don't sleep but here but you know

00:34:43

like here's that here's my biggest thing

00:34:45

is what the difference of like look at

00:34:49

this like Rudy Rudy Gobert he he's an

00:34:53

NBA player that got it

00:34:54

yeah that got the [ __ ] that got the

00:34:56

stuff you know that got the corona yeah

00:34:58

hey you know like he's not ugly but he's

00:35:01

just a he's fine he's fine

00:35:03

yeah that's fine he's fine it's average

00:35:05

yeah but there's a lot of NBA players

00:35:08

because I didn't let me ask you this the

00:35:09

bigger they get the more goony or you

00:35:11

you naturally look goony you look like

00:35:13

you look on orthodoxson like look at

00:35:15

right there like this is a normal

00:35:16

Donovan Mitchell normal looking good

00:35:19

looking kid good looking you know why

00:35:21

why normal size he's probably like

00:35:23

six-four six-five he's not once these

00:35:25

guys get 610 to like they'd be calling

00:35:28

all y'all Ming yes yes

00:35:30

maybe the ugliest guy to ever play in

00:35:32

the [ __ ] end yeah oh that's a stretch

00:35:33

Yao Ming is by far the ugliest ugliest

00:35:37

player look at this [ __ ] this thing

00:35:39

was made in a lab yeah this guy was made

00:35:42

in a [ __ ] fun-ass Hall do yo Ming's a

00:35:45

good dude he was made in a lab there's

00:35:48

nothing good about that word right there

00:35:49

yeah China handsome giant you're off

00:35:52

your [ __ ] has a kind of handsome not

00:35:55

even a little gay China for China no

00:35:58

there's plenty okay what about judge I

00:36:01

always thought though Jeremy Lin is he

00:36:03

is he Chinese no what is he

00:36:06

Taiwanese you don't even [ __ ] but

00:36:08

neither of you guys know but imagine

00:36:10

yeah what yep yummy if yummy didn't play

00:36:12

[ __ ] basketball what job would we

00:36:14

have in

00:36:15

you think Chuck Jeremy Jeremy Xu Hailin

00:36:17

is an American personal master for the

00:36:19

Beijing ducts of the Chinese Basketball

00:36:20

Association his background in sanity D

00:36:25

is it Taiwanese oh look yeah he's born

00:36:28

in Torrance yeah you're probably right

00:36:29

there's literally no doubt he's the

00:36:32

mayor Christian family yeah he's an

00:36:33

American America just like me [ __ ] look

00:36:35

at his mom he Ming and Shirley

00:36:36

immigrated to Taiwan Yap Taiwanese

00:36:38

bummer let me ask you this he's

00:36:40

good-looking when now when you know it's

00:36:42

been again said it's a Chinese virus oh

00:36:46

my god some reporter they said a White

00:36:48

House staffer called it come on Kong flu

00:36:51

that's the funniest thing I've ever

00:36:52

heard me the gun flu yeah the country's

00:36:57

come over it's taking over cuz that an

00:36:59

argument with uncle eyelid the other

00:37:01

night about you know cuz I go is Chinese

00:37:03

virus bad and then she's like calling it

00:37:06

that because it's you know you're saying

00:37:08

is it bad for you to say no is it bad

00:37:10

for president because people are making

00:37:12

a stink about you know me and Trump

00:37:13

saying and I know a lot of like Asian

00:37:15

actors there are just up in arms because

00:37:18

they don't like Trump to begin with I

00:37:19

mean that's not let's be real that's

00:37:20

yeah but yeah I don't you know I think

00:37:22

Chinese virus isn't as bad as people say

00:37:25

but then because my argument is is they

00:37:27

called it this a fancy B are you

00:37:30

offended they call it the Spanish flu no

00:37:32

because it came from [ __ ] Spain yeah

00:37:35

I mean right so so what we call we call

00:37:40

the Spanish flu because it was from but

00:37:42

but then kalila argument is is that yeah

00:37:44

but when was the Spanish flu it was in

00:37:46

1918 1919 the world wasn't as woke as we

00:37:49

are now I think if the Spanish flu

00:37:51

happened now she was her point is is

00:37:54

that we wouldn't call it the Spanish flu

00:37:57

yeah h1n1 that's that was the and a bird

00:38:01

bird flu and all that stuff that yeah

00:38:03

yeah yeah but I know what I know what

00:38:05

she's saying I think it's because people

00:38:07

are more racially sensitive now it's

00:38:09

kind of why we don't say oriental except

00:38:11

what are they what do they call the rugs

00:38:13

that still because the rugs are from the

00:38:15

Orient region of the of the country but

00:38:19

if you said you can't say oriental food

00:38:20

it depends on where the food is from if

00:38:24

the food is from there oriental region

00:38:26

of by the way the Orient doesn't exist

00:38:27

anymore all right so

00:38:29

the rugs I don't call it that I'm saying

00:38:31

that says oriental rug on a sign I call

00:38:34

it [ __ ] rug ok [ __ ] rug yeah

00:38:39

[ __ ] rug yeah yeah is Chinese food

00:38:42

offensive no man of course not

00:38:44

yeah so Chinese flu isn't either Chinese

00:38:47

food from China eat Chinese because I

00:38:49

think what people are humble arms about

00:38:51

is is that he has a history of being

00:38:54

racist of using rhetoric right to divide

00:38:58

and I think that that if he was like if

00:39:01

it was somebody else saying it yeah it

00:39:03

wouldn't be as I don't think as um

00:39:06

divisive I disagree I think if any

00:39:08

politician called it the Chinese flu

00:39:10

they would get flack for it right now

00:39:11

for sure yeah but look it came from

00:39:14

China I don't think it's racist and

00:39:21

there's also if you called it the ching

00:39:23

chong fluent ya then that would be bad

00:39:25

yeah if you if it was a more slanderous

00:39:26

term but I don't mean easily I don't

00:39:28

want to get cancelled right now but I

00:39:30

want to propose an idea you've said four

00:39:32

things that will get you can't but I've

00:39:36

been locked up for five days I know say

00:39:37

it baby let it fly [ __ ] it yeah but I

00:39:40

just don't eat the bat yeah I mean

00:39:44

there's certain things that like you

00:39:46

know you know as Americans right we eat

00:39:50

Indian food Yeah right we eat you don't

00:39:53

mean the things that you're supposed to

00:39:55

eat I believe well right okay I ain't

00:39:58

gonna eat no [ __ ] giraffe leg yeah

00:40:00

but that but if that's part of your

00:40:01

culture and it's normal then why would

00:40:03

it be abnormal I don't think that it do

00:40:06

you see them eating the live mice yeah

00:40:08

it's crazy

00:40:09

dip dipping it you know the sauce that

00:40:11

they have is the chicken yeah but what

00:40:13

if that's the part of their culture it's

00:40:15

normal just go to the chicken what if

00:40:17

they can't afford it you become vegetto

00:40:20

fool okay you get your protein that way

00:40:23

they have way there

00:40:24

the problem is is embedded into the

00:40:26

culture even the calendar year of the

00:40:28

chicken year of the goat your they love

00:40:30

we love animal yeah they love animals

00:40:32

yep if you ever go to like a Chinese

00:40:34

market in like Beijing or whatever

00:40:36

Beijing but let's go young Fabio never

00:40:38

Hong Kong no never never gonna go you

00:40:40

I'm pretty sure you see things there

00:40:42

that you know and I'll get anything I

00:40:45

mean everything right not bad just like

00:40:48

there's just certain things like you

00:40:50

know the shoulder of a meerkat my point

00:40:57

is who knows yeah I'm be I'm just

00:40:58

playing devil's advocate I understand

00:41:00

why people are mad that they're like

00:41:01

good you know cuz people get a [ __ ]

00:41:03

bat now I don't got a 401k it's like I

00:41:05

look yeah but also this is part of their

00:41:10

culture yeah yeah you're right I mean

00:41:12

maybe there are things that we don't eat

00:41:14

because we just don't know like for

00:41:16

instance I think that we don't eat

00:41:19

certain things because they just

00:41:20

aesthetically look cute any right panda

00:41:23

koala okay dogs and cats seriously we

00:41:26

don't eat them because we really like

00:41:27

them and I'm gonna say this too about

00:41:29

dogs and because I don't I'm now gonna

00:41:31

get cancelled but make sure you get the

00:41:33

sound but if you if you talk to old

00:41:38

Korean Korean War American vets my

00:41:43

grandfather right and they they've eaten

00:41:44

dog because at the time they were fed

00:41:46

dog they were fed dog right and they say

00:41:48

it's the most the most delicious meat

00:41:51

they've ever had that's what they say I

00:41:54

look my grandfather passed away on four

00:41:56

sir I can't ask him but I don't I don't

00:41:58

know that's what they say they say that

00:42:00

it's good meat eh it's tender a really

00:42:02

good meat so when I was are fighting him

00:42:05

[ __ ] Koreans yeah I got to tell you I

00:42:07

came down from a tough chopper mission

00:42:10

yeah one of them little nice Korean

00:42:12

birds she fed fed me some some what she

00:42:14

called was techo she said tuck oh yeah

00:42:18

was that you hole goodie

00:42:19

starving what is that DC is a meat loaf

00:42:22

oh I love me some [ __ ] meat level oh

00:42:25

thank you so much what's your name young

00:42:27

oh nice to meet you gone

00:42:33

[Music]

00:42:43

we're gonna get [ __ ] canceled me and

00:42:46

ease my friends we're never heard of me

00:42:49

underneath before they're on pretty much

00:42:52

every podcast ever but besides that me

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sustainable underwear

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00:43:10

right I have on seafoam green today this

00:43:12

is not one of those phony is he being

00:43:15

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entire underwear drawer filled with me

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undies they are my favorite they have a

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cupping they have a cutout portion for

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your pain in your because I use me

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undies when I perform on stage when I'm

00:43:27

on the road because you a little

00:43:28

underwear a bit at the end and I love me

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it feels very just like it's just it's

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don't get them they don't bunch up

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comm slash that friend that's me on

00:44:24

these comm slash

00:44:25

ad friends can I be serious for a second

00:44:27

no jokes this I'm being very genuine

00:44:30

right now it was a tough weekend for me

00:44:32

in Chicago because I have a family

00:44:34

member that I'm not going to mention

00:44:35

that's not having a good time with life

00:44:38

and and it broke my heart and it gave me

00:44:39

a lot of perspective on the world so if

00:44:41

I can offer any advice to anybody that's

00:44:42

listening that's trying to get through

00:44:43

all this stuff all the jokes that Bob

00:44:45

and I say and all this stuff

00:44:47

be sure to check in with your family and

00:44:49

I think it's I mean it stop it

00:44:52

is it because this facial hair is

00:44:54

[ __ ] no first of all the facial hair

00:44:56

they didn't work

00:44:57

whatever you were trended it looks good

00:44:59

yeah what are you trying to do the pit

00:45:00

that you were trying to do it wasn't a

00:45:01

bit yeah you were you were like before

00:45:03

the show I have to say that before the

00:45:05

show right in the [ __ ] bathroom

00:45:07

I couldn't even say one sentimental

00:45:08

[ __ ] thing but he was through the

00:45:10

bathroom and he's shaving is like I want

00:45:12

to do a bit cuz young Andrews into bits

00:45:14

you know me because he think this is SNL

00:45:16

and he goes what do you say me bit that

00:45:23

we could do on the program I'm like what

00:45:25

the [ __ ] are you doing let's [ __ ]

00:45:26

talk [ __ ] talk you [ __ ] ready to

00:45:29

freak I wanted to do a mustache for

00:45:31

aircraft yeah it didn't work whatever

00:45:33

you're doing it looks good I know but it

00:45:35

was silly silly that's why you spent an

00:45:37

hour in the [ __ ] bathroom doing a bit

00:45:39

that didn't work seven minutes I spent

00:45:41

in there to shave my face well you had

00:45:43

George on the phone with the [ __ ]

00:45:45

Wayans brothers all right so here's I

00:45:47

want to talk about that yeah yeah I want

00:45:49

to talk about that yeah so can I finish

00:45:52

my sentimental thing but I might laugh

00:45:55

you can alright go ahead finish it some

00:45:59

one of my family's not doing well they

00:46:00

might be dying you didn't laugh are you

00:46:06

laughing at a dead family member I might

00:46:11

love your family why not start from the

00:46:15

top let's do this let's do this okay

00:46:17

honestly honestly because I want to know

00:46:20

if you're really sincere I am alright so

00:46:23

if you're gonna do this little [ __ ]

00:46:25

monologue okay right you cannot be

00:46:27

[ __ ] smirking alright I want some

00:46:29

regardless of what I'm doing okay fine

00:46:31

here right so it's like if in it once

00:46:33

you start smirking I'm gonna end it and

00:46:35

you don't get the [ __ ] talent fine

00:46:36

alright so here we go and I'm gonna do

00:46:39

another little setup alright okay ladies

00:46:42

and gentlemen and a message from sir

00:46:47

well don't [ __ ] it up off the jump

00:46:50

ladies and gentlemen a heartfelt message

00:46:53

from Sir Andrew Santino hi America

00:47:02

[ __ ] it

00:47:04

this right we'll try to get try to get

00:47:06

that was the first guy y'all let you go

00:47:07

I'll let ya all right ladies and

00:47:09

gentlemen mm-hmm a heartfelt message

00:47:12

from Sir Andrew it's not penal just keep

00:47:23

the Chinese put us in a bad position

00:47:25

recently call and text you what happened

00:47:30

your family nothing someone's not doing

00:47:32

well [ __ ] just call in text your family

00:47:33

and man what's going on with her

00:47:35

and to the rope I don't know not feeling

00:47:38

good not doing good did you have Corolla

00:47:40

no okay I'm sorry

00:47:42

she's old she's old and it just made me

00:47:44

check-in more mentally I was like oh you

00:47:46

should check and really [ __ ] you the man

00:47:47

do the message without you can smile do

00:47:49

the more with your family if not if we

00:47:52

take nothing from this shitty virus it's

00:47:55

that we should try to care about people

00:47:57

somebody had a great phrase to me

00:47:59

somebody said this is this during the

00:48:01

time of this virus we'll find out who

00:48:02

cares about their backyard as much as

00:48:04

people care about their front yard

00:48:05

that's him I don't really understand

00:48:07

that explain it to me it means are you

00:48:09

gonna are you gonna try to contribute

00:48:11

and care about other humans are you only

00:48:12

gonna care about yourself but what has

00:48:14

it with the backyard your backyard means

00:48:16

because you connect with neighbors like

00:48:17

do you care about those around you and

00:48:18

in your community do you care it's a

00:48:19

metaphor for saying like are you not

00:48:22

it's a metaphor are you gonna use it I

00:48:23

specific backyard yeah you don't have

00:48:25

wants to stop you don't have one it's

00:48:26

fenced okay but about beyond annoyance

00:48:28

there's other people all right so to say

00:48:30

beyond beyond the backyard we're gonna

00:48:33

find out during this virus you don't

00:48:35

even care about people whether you care

00:48:36

about your community you'll never use

00:48:38

that reference again just say what are

00:48:39

you gonna say phrase made perfect didn't

00:48:41

you get the [ __ ] phrase it's a

00:48:42

metaphor saying do you care about your

00:48:44

community or you just care about your

00:48:45

house cleaning my side of the street

00:48:47

when they say that that's an same exact

00:48:49

thing yeah do you only care about

00:48:50

cleaning your side of the street there

00:48:52

we go that this okay I understand that

00:48:54

one cuz you you you do don't you you

00:48:55

only sweep your side of the street

00:48:57

are you [ __ ] out of your minds go

00:48:59

away we're closed

00:49:03

that's [ __ ]

00:49:05

you know what's so funny there's a

00:49:06

there's a bet to see that if we'll if

00:49:08

we'll keep the show going they said

00:49:09

we'll see how long this lasts what these

00:49:11

two [ __ ] go this is are you out of

00:49:13

your [ __ ] mind when you when you're

00:49:14

on lockdown

00:49:16

for three days and I [ __ ] hate this

00:49:18

piece of [ __ ] Thank You or three [ __ ]

00:49:20

days I was like I can't wait for

00:49:21

Wednesday I can't wait for one's me to

00:49:23

see this redhead her free you know I

00:49:25

mean if I could I would kiss him you

00:49:27

know I mean I'd kiss you yeah but I I

00:49:28

would this is what this is my whole life

00:49:31

now yeah

00:49:32

is doing these well it's this in touring

00:49:34

for me is that and so now we can't tour

00:49:36

that's it

00:49:37

do you want do you want to bring a

00:49:38

little bit of light into this episode I

00:49:40

love light okay so last week we had

00:49:44

under this row Sunday do the news which

00:49:47

we loved we loved it a lot of the fans

00:49:49

enjoyed it a lot

00:49:50

I want andreas to do to do a little bit

00:49:54

his stand-up you want to do your

00:49:56

stand-up it andreas is gonna do stand-up

00:50:00

for us I'll get good I love it

00:50:01

are you excited all right we'll be right

00:50:02

back hey everybody hope you're having a

00:50:08

great time I'm Mitch I'm the host of the

00:50:10

show and welcome to the Chuckle [ __ ]

00:50:12

factory here Wisconsin try the chicken

00:50:15

wings yeah you know they're new on the

00:50:17

menu anyway um

00:50:19

man that guy fell off the cliff it was

00:50:22

ooh Sioux Falls there it is like you

00:50:24

know I mean like anyway if it's not

00:50:26

working

00:50:27

Benny when we our next comic he does

00:50:31

clubs and colleges all over the country

00:50:34

he's been on BET's comicview he's also

00:50:38

been on something on Nickelodeon I don't

00:50:41

know but anyway he's really he's from

00:50:43

some Spain

00:50:45

you know you said he's a fancy he's a

00:50:48

fancy P anyway it's the first time

00:50:51

onstage how he's like a funny guy my

00:50:56

name is Mitch by the way how about a

00:50:58

round of applause for Andrea's katashi's

00:51:00

go round of applause for me

00:51:07

Thank You Mitch it's so great to be here

00:51:12

is everybody celebrating anything all

00:51:17

right

00:51:20

well you know Tom Brady announced he

00:51:24

might be playing in Tampa Bay Florida

00:51:26

next season seems like a lateral move to

00:51:30

me since like Florida that's basically

00:51:31

their New England of of the South racism

00:51:35

man Dunkin Donuts thank you

00:51:43

a sex toy company taboo announced a new

00:51:48

line of vibrators with the removable

00:51:49

batteries finally I'm not gonna have

00:51:53

those embarrassing moments at TSA and

00:52:02

you guys know some grocery stores are

00:52:04

offering elderly hours for our elderly

00:52:07

shoppers putting all those girls in one

00:52:11

spot is gonna be like fishing with a gun

00:52:16

in a barrel for me and you know Daniel

00:52:23

Radcliffe a gay Harry Potter admitted he

00:52:27

was drunk during the filming of Harry

00:52:29

Potter and the Deathly Hallows I get it

00:52:31

I will be blackout too if I found

00:52:33

Hermione was gonna going out with a

00:52:36

ginger those are gross

00:52:41

[Laughter]

00:52:44

wrists with a spoon open Lily to Vanity

00:52:47

Fair saying bad things happened to her

00:52:49

as a TT Nina in Hollywood we know we saw

00:52:53

election okay that was a here at home

00:53:01

Nevada is officially closed in every

00:53:04

casino in the Vegas strip this will

00:53:06

[ __ ] the tourism industry and really

00:53:08

hurt professional gamblers like nick

00:53:10

pappagiorgio

00:53:15

Google arts partner with more than 2,500

00:53:19

museums to offer built virtual tours

00:53:21

online you now can go to the Louvre in

00:53:25

Paris dismiss onehans in DC or you can

00:53:28

finally dive into that anime porn you've

00:53:31

been having an eye on during an

00:53:38

interview with The New Yorker singer

00:53:40

Fiona Apple said she quit cocaine after

00:53:43

an excruciating night with Quentin

00:53:45

Tarantino and Paul Thomas Anderson I for

00:53:48

one am shocked Quentin Tarantino does

00:53:50

cocaine Pollan geologists have

00:54:00

discovered the wonder chicken and it's

00:54:02

67 million years old but you know what I

00:54:06

bet it still tastes like chicken for

00:54:12

moral company shut down all on North

00:54:15

American production during this pandemic

00:54:17

well looks like Ferrari won mark marvel

00:54:24

is postponing the release of his new

00:54:26

superhero movie Black Widow

00:54:28

of course I bet if it was White Widow

00:54:31

they would have put it on I never really

00:54:45

got monologues either like when I watch

00:54:47

Carson as a kid like I love when the

00:54:48

guests were there yeah I like what he

00:54:50

failed that was good anyone do a golf so

00:54:53

I get that when I wouldn't go to more

00:54:55

guys were rested and the east side I was

00:54:58

for carrying drugs should have called

00:55:00

him thug drugs yeah yeah I like that

00:55:04

just taking yeah yeah I never understood

00:55:07

it yeah but I think that's just not

00:55:08

that's not the kind of comedy that you

00:55:10

and I loved anyway was late-night stuff

00:55:12

never made me I always loved the

00:55:14

interviews like Letterman I only liked

00:55:16

the interviews I would I would skip the

00:55:19

monologue and just wait till he you know

00:55:21

cuz he was so [ __ ] what like what

00:55:23

what was the first comic where you went

00:55:25

as a kid you went

00:55:26

oh I like this

00:55:29

I think the first comic that made me

00:55:31

laugh hard was Eddie Murphy but like

00:55:33

actually laughs yeah like delirious

00:55:36

laughs it was just so physical like I

00:55:39

had never seen that kind of you know he

00:55:42

also had this like Rock story kind of

00:55:44

thing he was a god yeah it never I'd

00:55:46

never seen anything like it and the

00:55:48

first guy to make me like think think

00:55:49

about comedy yeah was Carlin like when I

00:55:52

heard some his stuff I was like wow you

00:55:54

can be funny and have kind of a point

00:55:57

you know have a point but yeah for me

00:55:59

was Kinison yeah really yeah because Sam

00:56:02

Kinison had a visceral kind of quality

00:56:05

to him yeah I was like emotion and real

00:56:08

pure it just had never seen comedy you

00:56:12

know I didn't ever you know he didn't do

00:56:14

your standard like set up here so far so

00:56:18

to me as I remember watching it that

00:56:21

that first young comedian specials with

00:56:23

Rodney Dangerfield Adam Herrera was on

00:56:25

it at the store right no I don't know if

00:56:27

it was at the Comedy Store but I don't

00:56:29

know at The Improv yeah I think it was

00:56:31

at the end probably it was just to me

00:56:33

just I openin because you get to see

00:56:36

just different styles I'd never seen

00:56:38

right and people swearing and talking

00:56:41

about sex in a way that I didn't think

00:56:44

you could even say yeah it was just

00:56:46

really you know I think I never got to

00:56:48

meet him but although when I who can

00:56:50

send Kinison but because Pauly Shore

00:56:53

toured with Kinison Pauly when I was

00:56:57

young I was maybe twenty four years old

00:56:59

or 25 years old he goes I'm gonna we're

00:57:03

gonna do the same tour that Sam took me

00:57:06

on and so we did the same exact cities

00:57:09

that he did with Sam and then at the end

00:57:11

of the tour

00:57:12

Pauly took me to kinnison's gravesite

00:57:16

and not only that but Carla beau who was

00:57:20

who held Sam kinnison's body while he

00:57:23

was down when he was dying on that

00:57:24

freeway in Nevada

00:57:26

Carla beau became a very good friend of

00:57:28

mine I fixed his teeth because this is

00:57:30

when I was starting to make money and he

00:57:32

had a toothache and I and I took him to

00:57:35

the dentist that's right yeah because

00:57:37

but I only I mean I think in

00:57:40

Joseph Beck I only did that because I

00:57:41

had such a upsetting obsession but he

00:57:45

was just such a big role model for me

00:57:47

and then here's what's greatest the

00:57:49

greatest thing that I ever got from is

00:57:51

there was a Sam Kinison had a couple of

00:57:55

sisters that used to live with him the

00:57:57

way he was a [ __ ] them he was there's

00:57:59

just girls and one of the girls I

00:58:01

wouldn't have thought he was [ __ ] his

00:58:04

sisters no not his own sisters they

00:58:06

there was two sisters that were he's not

00:58:12

[ __ ] sisters but one of them used to

00:58:16

hang out the store a lot and she knew my

00:58:18

obsession with Kinison and she came to

00:58:21

my house to the club and she could she

00:58:23

she had a plastic bag and it was exam

00:58:26

Kinison shirt that he used to wear on

00:58:29

stage that was never washed if you could

00:58:31

smell the salt on it yeah right and I

00:58:34

still have that [ __ ] shirt you need

00:58:36

to frame it but I will frame it yeah

00:58:37

yeah but um that's so incredible yes

00:58:41

I've always had a respect for that's why

00:58:44

I hate disrespect for like the older

00:58:47

generation yeah I have such respect for

00:58:49

the older generation people that did it

00:58:51

before us yeah yeah I've even the ones

00:58:53

that weren't even that good I don't even

00:58:57

well because they just they were they

00:58:58

were like leaders III

00:59:00

this is this is a fun story I'll give

00:59:02

you this I don't think I've ever told

00:59:04

this one this I was in I was writing

00:59:07

like bad sketched jokes my like first

00:59:09

year in LA with with a friend of mine at

00:59:12

the coffee bean I don't even think it's

00:59:14

there anymore across from the mall and

00:59:16

it's late and they're about to close

00:59:18

down and in walks Norma Connell and the

00:59:24

girl says to me who I'm writing with

00:59:25

this girl that I worked with that a

00:59:26

production company she says to me she

00:59:27

goes oh yeah you know that is right and

00:59:31

I go oh [ __ ] holy [ __ ] and she goes

00:59:33

that's the Bob Dole guy I go the Bob

00:59:36

Dole guy I would rip her eyes out I mean

00:59:38

I was like it's [ __ ] nor McDonald and

00:59:40

he's like no I knew I forgot his name I

00:59:42

was like Oh God so we sit there and I'm

00:59:45

kind of fanboying out and I'm on I'm

00:59:47

just kind of you know like not trying to

00:59:49

face him and he's ordering coffee and I

00:59:51

keep kind of looking over just to like

00:59:52

because you just want to get it

00:59:53

because when you're up 22 I just moved

00:59:55

to LA I was like [ __ ] holy [ __ ] Norma

00:59:57

God he he come he he comes in there

01:00:00

where the coffee is he looks over she's

01:00:02

a pretty girl okay

01:00:03

and obviously doesn't see me at all

01:00:05

doesn't know I exist and he's kind of

01:00:07

trying to talk her up a little bit he

01:00:08

said yeah what everybody guys what you

01:00:10

guys doing and she goes aw we're uh

01:00:12

we're writing sketches and he goes oh

01:00:15

yeah I know a thing or two about

01:00:16

sketches and both of us were like ya

01:00:18

know we know like and I started

01:00:20

stumbling like no I you know and he goes

01:00:24

okay I'm gonna uh I'm gonna go next door

01:00:27

I'm gonna get a Steinbeck novel Barnes

01:00:30

and Noble at least to be Barnes nobody

01:00:31

goes how many get Steinbeck novel I'm

01:00:33

laughing thinking he's just making jokes

01:00:34

and he goes I'll be back okay I'll be

01:00:36

back and he walks out and I'm like well

01:00:38

how [ __ ] cool was that hand to God

01:00:40

he comes back in with a Steinbeck novel

01:00:42

and sits down by us and just starts

01:00:45

talking oh my gosh where am I like oh my

01:00:48

was like I started a norm engine and he

01:00:50

just wanted to talk so he just started

01:00:51

talking and talking and talking and

01:00:52

telling stories and I shouldn't tell it

01:00:54

like I don't want to [ __ ] it up but the

01:00:58

best story he told I said what was your

01:01:00

most like secret fun thing that happened

01:01:03

at SNL that like you know like what was

01:01:05

some inside [ __ ]

01:01:06

and he goes uh Smigel and I Robert

01:01:10

Smigel if you don't who Robert Smigel is

01:01:11

he's triumph the insult comic dog he's

01:01:13

the voice in the genius behind that

01:01:14

smuggles a [ __ ] phenomenal genius

01:01:16

writer and comedian he goes smile and

01:01:18

Iowa we used to write sketches for Tracy

01:01:22

is we knew Tracy Morgan we knew Tracy

01:01:24

and I he was bad in table reads he

01:01:26

couldn't read for [ __ ] you know he's a

01:01:28

[ __ ] was stumble through words you

01:01:30

know so we were one time we wrote this

01:01:32

sketch that we knew was gonna tank

01:01:33

Lauren hated it and then we showed it to

01:01:37

Tracy anyway cuz we knew he had trouble

01:01:39

reading yet someone helping him read

01:01:40

yeah bad time with s's so he wrote this

01:01:43

sketch about this guy's I got gay animal

01:01:46

handler named Brian fellows yeah yeah

01:01:50

Brian fellows and he goes if you look

01:01:52

the best part for us was it was Brian

01:01:54

fellows apostrophe s safari plant whose

01:01:58

3 s's in a row is the sketch that we

01:02:00

pitched so in the room even though the

01:02:03

sketch was bad we knew Tracy would go a

01:02:06

brave fellows Justice Breyer

01:02:07

a safari panic we knew we would crush in

01:02:11

there he goes and everybody lost it the

01:02:13

sketch he was like the sketch was

01:02:14

terrible yeah Tracy we're going to drag

01:02:16

fellows this is a fiery pan yeah yeah

01:02:20

and norm was and norm goes in it was a

01:02:22

funniest thing we used to [ __ ] with

01:02:24

Tracy all the time and dude I was like

01:02:26

my heart was filled with comedy warmth

01:02:28

yeah this is the business wild part

01:02:29

again I don't believe that this happened

01:02:31

I'm I to myself I'm going this is a lie

01:02:34

you're making this out right but she's

01:02:36

my proof we walk out when they finally

01:02:39

closed the doors after they're like mr.

01:02:41

McGowen he can stay you know they

01:02:42

[ __ ] the coffee being kids are

01:02:43

sitting just listening we all walk

01:02:45

outside and he starts taking off kind of

01:02:48

headed north on La Cienega and as a joke

01:02:51

my friend goes do you want a ride

01:02:55

are you walking and he goes oh no no I

01:02:59

don't wanna get in the car with you and

01:03:00

we started laughing and he goes ok

01:03:02

shotgun and he comes and runs sits in

01:03:05

the front seat no I swear to God in my

01:03:06

life oh my god her car I'm sitting in

01:03:08

the back seat and he's showing us where

01:03:10

to go and we drop him off at his house

01:03:11

and uh you know at this complex and he

01:03:15

gets out and he kind of opens the door

01:03:16

and we haven't said we didn't say

01:03:18

anything the whole car ride we just

01:03:19

listened to him going out left yeah

01:03:20

right here and he gets out and he turns

01:03:22

and looks in the car and all he said he

01:03:24

just goes good luck or whatever and

01:03:27

closes the door oh yeah that was mine or

01:03:30

McDonald moment in comedy but he because

01:03:32

he was one of those guys that I was like

01:03:33

when he did Weekend Update I thought I

01:03:36

was like that's the funniest guy to read

01:03:37

he was the best at that yeah because I I

01:03:39

don't I don't find it funny he was the

01:03:41

only person that I found funny enough

01:03:43

decision he didn't care the jokes the

01:03:46

jokes were him making a joke about the

01:03:48

about the joyride funny it was yeah and

01:03:51

after I saw him do that I was I thought

01:03:54

that's the guy that can write jokes

01:03:55

better than anybody that I I didn't know

01:03:58

anyone that could write a joke like that

01:03:59

where it's like it's really clever it's

01:04:00

funny but he throws it in the trash you

01:04:02

don't I mean it's like he wrote it he's

01:04:04

like yeah that and throws it away can I

01:04:06

tell you what happened to me were they

01:04:07

[ __ ] with me at MADtv yeah so back in

01:04:10

the day we on a month we would do a

01:04:12

table reads on a Tuesday but on a Monday

01:04:14

night they would they wouldn't sent

01:04:16

their that guide that drive to

01:04:18

everyone's house and drive and drop off

01:04:21

the [ __ ] script oh yeah right jacket

01:04:24

yeah yeah so back in the PA - yeah right

01:04:27

so that he would go to like 15 people's

01:04:28

houses right but so there's a young girl

01:04:32

named Katie Dippold you know Katie right

01:04:35

she wrote Buster's

01:04:36

bridesmaids and rides me yes yeah yeah

01:04:38

but Katie was a writer at MADtv and

01:04:41

right Katie this is the last table read

01:04:43

we did because if the show was cancelled

01:04:45

so she decided to do a trick so she did

01:04:49

was she wrote a sketch with Nicole

01:04:51

Parker and crista Flanagan right mhm and

01:04:54

I think Johnny Sanchez was also in the

01:04:56

sketch and so everyone got theirs it's

01:05:00

only those three but in my packet I was

01:05:04

in the sketch right but no one wants

01:05:09

Elsa's no one knows that I'm in the

01:05:10

sketch right right

01:05:12

but in my packet in the sketch I'm just

01:05:15

I don't know why I'm there my characters

01:05:17

in there but base I'm going between

01:05:19

their dialogue in mine I'm saying I'm

01:05:22

losing it you know and then they would

01:05:25

do a couple of lines I'm snapping right

01:05:28

everyone in this room's gonna die soon

01:05:31

right and at the end of the sketch it's

01:05:34

me going like it's a do bird noises and

01:05:39

then act like a dinosaur it like in the

01:05:42

mists of them doing the dialogue the

01:05:44

network the producers no one knew Katie

01:05:48

did it inside just her kate only katie

01:05:50

knew oh my god

01:05:52

so the sketch is bombing of course right

01:05:55

people are backing up from their seats

01:05:57

right because i'm saying crazy [ __ ]

01:06:00

right everyone's gonna die right right

01:06:01

and you all I could see is Katie her

01:06:05

face red with tears just losing it right

01:06:13

so at the end of the sets sketch the

01:06:16

room is completely silent mm-hmm and I

01:06:18

just kind of a I [ __ ] it up huh

01:06:20

because I knew that that might care I

01:06:23

was like you're not getting laughs right

01:06:24

right right and I should I'm an idiot

01:06:26

that I should have questioned like why

01:06:28

is this guy here yeah what is it yeah

01:06:31

and Katie let 15 seconds pass beautiful

01:06:34

right and then

01:06:35

she goes she stood up and goes Bobby has

01:06:37

a different sketch there and then

01:06:38

everyone starts laughing and they have

01:06:40

it on tape right but it was I was so

01:06:44

furious you were mad at first yeah yeah

01:06:46

but then you really is a good Joe it's

01:06:48

insane that's no fun here's a fun joke

01:06:50

but crazy yeah but when things are

01:06:52

canceled like that you have to kind of

01:06:54

feel you have to kind of let stuff go

01:06:56

cuz you're like well we're [ __ ]

01:06:58

yeah do when when me and uh Griff knew

01:07:02

I'm dying up here was just kind of like

01:07:04

a dead-end thing it was not gonna come

01:07:05

back yeah all we did was [ __ ] around

01:07:07

yeah I mean what can you do I know you

01:07:10

feel it the crew is like you can hear

01:07:13

the crew bein like you know that gaff

01:07:14

and something to bein like ya know this

01:07:16

piece of [ __ ] a comin back now

01:07:18

they don't give a [ __ ] they don't give a

01:07:20

[ __ ] yeah you're a [ __ ] loser actor

01:07:22

they're working men and women you are a

01:07:25

[ __ ] play person

01:07:26

yeah real people with real job so

01:07:28

therefore the first people to go yeah

01:07:30

this thing I [ __ ] could [ __ ] that

01:07:32

we've got another gig in Temecula so but

01:07:35

[ __ ] with Grif was what that was one

01:07:37

of my favorite things to do on that show

01:07:38

yeah and this happened in the [ __ ]

01:07:42

beginning is I told a bunch of people to

01:07:46

like stand by my stand by me because I

01:07:49

told Grif that I got a call from my

01:07:51

agent saying that he's gonna die after

01:07:53

the first season and I had him in a

01:07:56

[ __ ] Shir dude everybody was like I

01:07:58

thought you knew like we thought it was

01:08:00

like no I swear to god you can ask him

01:08:03

so he called his [ __ ] agent all I did

01:08:12

was [ __ ] with Chris we had this was my

01:08:13

favorite thing this was another favorite

01:08:15

thing everybody that knows Griff knows

01:08:16

Griff Griff

01:08:17

you know grips a hungry hungry hippo he

01:08:19

likes to eat and he's my boy I think we

01:08:22

would have meals together all the time

01:08:23

we got a special truck for one of the

01:08:26

photo shoots somebody ordered one of the

01:08:28

production orders like sometimes you get

01:08:30

a special meal truck instead of the

01:08:31

normal catering meal and it's always

01:08:33

like so good and everyone's excited

01:08:34

because it's not the normal [ __ ] that

01:08:36

you're always getting and we're taking

01:08:38

pictures she's like Santino and then Ari

01:08:44

and then Jake grips like he's looking

01:08:46

outside cuz the truck now people are

01:08:48

starting to go eat yeah

01:08:49

and he's like ah wiggle point let me get

01:08:52

my eyes first let me get my knocked away

01:08:54

and the photographer is in on it with me

01:08:57

because I've told that our can go dead

01:08:58

last right yeah and a photographer a sec

01:09:00

okay okay okay and you could tell the

01:09:02

Duke he was nervous because I was like

01:09:03

[ __ ] I don't wanna get in trouble yeah I

01:09:04

go just do what just say you're gonna do

01:09:05

him he goes

01:09:06

okay man yeah but y'all can't switch

01:09:09

with me and everyone's like no I don't

01:09:10

want to switch I want to [ __ ] just do

01:09:12

my photos it and he's getting nervous he

01:09:14

sees two more peed the crew is going up

01:09:15

to the truck now all the actor now well

01:09:16

the background is going up to the truck

01:09:18

yeah people are all Mahoney toggles oh

01:09:20

my god I run up to the truck and I go

01:09:23

hey just just say that you're out of

01:09:25

chicken shrimp and beef so all you have

01:09:28

is vegetarian left yo I have it on video

01:09:35

yeah so Griff takes his picture Griff

01:09:39

takes his pictures he goes up to the

01:09:41

truck and I'm hiding like a [ __ ] I'm

01:09:43

like 15 cars away I'm like in the

01:09:46

parking lot and I'm hiding with my

01:09:47

iPhone yeah and I can you can see him

01:09:49

kind of saunter up to the truck and you

01:09:51

see him and go to the window like this

01:09:52

and he I swear to god he just goes he

01:09:53

goes no and he turns and he goes the

01:09:59

shrimp chicken out the beef - I'm dying

01:10:07

we're all eating tacos dice and then

01:10:09

finally the truck and he walks away mad

01:10:10

he's pissed yeah storms away mad at the

01:10:12

truck guy comes Isaac hey man what are

01:10:14

y'all skiddy we're just kidding we know

01:10:15

we have shrimp for you no wonder he was

01:10:17

on your friend Griffin Zak man Santino I

01:10:22

love it messin with him was the only fun

01:10:25

thing in the loo of what was happening

01:10:26

right we had to have fun I was so

01:10:29

nervous of like this sadness keep piling

01:10:32

up cuz you're done I remember though

01:10:34

when you guys were on that show and yeah

01:10:36

the first of all you were contractually

01:10:39

obligated

01:10:40

right so you couldn't do anything else

01:10:42

yeah you're holding up us like you would

01:10:45

have to do like a small number right now

01:10:48

here we did 10 but that they were up

01:10:50

there hour-long episode so our shoot

01:10:52

schedule took like twice as long as the

01:10:54

normal TV show ride and also ours was a

01:10:57

period show so things had to be dressed

01:10:59

like the 70 so when we would shoot on

01:11:01

location it do

01:11:03

it was forever it would take forever

01:11:04

it's so funny we shut down do we shut

01:11:06

down Fairfax Boulevard from Beverly to

01:11:10

Melrose Wow in the middle of the city

01:11:13

wow it was in it was chaos it was insane

01:11:15

I remember when Eric Griffin and I got a

01:11:17

call saying that Jim Carrey what is

01:11:20

doing showcases it yeah well storia and

01:11:22

I remember I got on the showcase right

01:11:25

and I go is everyone in the room right

01:11:28

so everyone's in the room yeah yeah I

01:11:29

[ __ ] destroy yeah but in my mind I'm

01:11:33

like am I gonna [ __ ] play who's the

01:11:39

first Asian comedian that was famous

01:11:40

back then was there any famous Asian

01:11:42

Johnny you but Johnny Yoon wasn't until

01:11:44

the 80s yeah yeah so not the same yeah

01:11:47

he's not the 70s yeah that's Ohio on but

01:11:50

then I go I know that this bar staff

01:11:52

were all Asian they were I know yes or

01:11:55

black or on the show they're black too

01:11:57

oh they are yeah

01:11:58

I couldn't get at that part no they got

01:12:00

to give it to black guys so there were

01:12:02

no Thai people there was a tie guy in

01:12:05

the kitchen who got that the Thai guy

01:12:08

that works at the store are you being

01:12:11

real hard no seriously that it was it

01:12:19

was it was young black dudes at bar

01:12:21

tenant apparently that was like part of

01:12:23

the rhetoric no because back then I cuz

01:12:25

I know that Mitsy and Pauly had an

01:12:28

obsession with so Kirk it was all the

01:12:31

Thai staff yeah in the 70s yeah so I

01:12:33

guess there was no part for me yeah but

01:12:36

I mean you know can we go back to the

01:12:37

girl though that didn't know normally

01:12:39

what she said so you were the girl yeah

01:12:41

and she was a peachy worked as a PA with

01:12:44

me GPA and she she goes what'd she say

01:12:47

about normal she goes guy from Chino she

01:12:49

said that's that's Bob Dole let's go

01:12:53

from the from S&S bad right yeah yeah I

01:12:57

do you does it annoy you when young

01:13:00

people don't know certain things well it

01:13:02

cheap first of all she's a year older

01:13:04

than me it annoys me when somebody in

01:13:06

the comedy world yeah misses a comedy

01:13:09

thing that I think is obvious yeah cuz

01:13:11

I'm like how do you not know who that is

01:13:12

good that's like a hero of ours I hit a

01:13:14

tinder date once

01:13:15

before kalila yeah and so we're driving

01:13:19

to a restaurant and Space Oddity is

01:13:22

playing on the radio oh yeah what do you

01:13:24

mean oh right David Boies right and she

01:13:26

goes um oh I love the song Major Tom

01:13:30

from Ziggy Stardust and I just I wanted

01:13:33

to pull I wanted to pull over the side

01:13:36

of the road and go okay you can get the

01:13:37

[ __ ] out get out your meal is right here

01:13:39

I don't know why but when people do [ __ ]

01:13:41

like that I start losing my mind because

01:13:44

it make you feel older is that why cuz

01:13:46

you're like I just think that if you

01:13:49

love it if you're gonna say out loud I

01:13:51

love this because you know what the [ __ ]

01:13:56

don't make a grand you know I love that

01:13:59

yeah but it's wrong people do that all

01:14:01

but see I do that for [ __ ] I think

01:14:04

that's funny sometimes I'll do that

01:14:05

sometimes like if it's um if it's like a

01:14:09

Rod Stewart song right sometimes like if

01:14:11

I'm out in public at the if at the bar

01:14:13

if I'm waiting for a drink I'll go

01:14:14

[ __ ] love Paul Simon just to see the

01:14:16

guy next to me go yeah yeah it makes it

01:14:20

I like doing that you know what I do if

01:14:21

like thriller or something's playing on

01:14:24

the radio like in a restaurant or

01:14:26

something I always go and they I like

01:14:31

Big O yet really yeah I've heard it

01:14:33

before who sings it cuz I don't want to

01:14:35

zan yeah I don't I don't have then they

01:14:37

go they go the baseball player yeah yeah

01:14:42

yeah I always do that yeah there was a

01:14:46

there was a friend of a friend who went

01:14:48

on a date with a girl who said and I

01:14:51

don't know if this is a bad joke if she

01:14:52

was kid I was joking around but the

01:14:55

Rolling Stones beast of burden I'll

01:14:57

never be y'all beat up she thought it

01:15:00

said I'll never be your pizza burner no

01:15:03

I swear that's what he's yeah I'll never

01:15:05

be your pizza burner yeah

01:15:06

which if you listen to it I'll never be

01:15:08

your beats a burner kind of sounds like

01:15:11

it

01:15:11

Koreans right when the Beatles were big

01:15:16

that let it be right wait wait let me

01:15:20

guess well they thought the song no dear

01:15:24

I gotta get a big letter be Medici

01:15:27

marriages

01:15:28

Jovie so my mom got would sing if Lenape

01:15:34

was she got mad at you

01:15:36

Mataji it's not what the [ __ ] not why

01:15:40

would they write a song about anchovies

01:15:42

mom because they're good they are very

01:15:44

good they're very good Medici means

01:15:47

anchovy and in Korea Mataji yeah by the

01:15:51

way I saw I saw the Japanese there is a

01:15:53

Japanese sensation of a Beatles cover

01:15:55

band in when I was in Tokyo in Roppongi

01:16:00

in like that was recently right yeah a

01:16:02

couple years ago two years ago in the

01:16:04

red-light district about yourself

01:16:06

no you brought your wife she was with me

01:16:08

and so what you know who was there

01:16:09

Aristotle with her you know Aristotle I

01:16:10

love Aristotle he was in town they were

01:16:13

shooting something and actually one of

01:16:15

the guys this is even more fun of a

01:16:16

story I don't know if I've told this

01:16:17

before but that he was in town I did

01:16:19

tell you this I told you that I don't

01:16:21

know if it was on this show but he but

01:16:23

he this guy was in town this guy his

01:16:25

cameraman and we're [ __ ] shit-faced

01:16:29

at this underground nightclub like four

01:16:30

teenagers were we're like we're the

01:16:32

oldest by a landslide and he had they

01:16:34

have like two days in Japan he's

01:16:36

drinking double-fist and he's chugging

01:16:38

he's kind of a portly Midwest guy and

01:16:40

he's sweating dripping with sweat and

01:16:43

the music is pulled you know and he's

01:16:47

bouncing up and down Hey Aristotle goes

01:16:50

up to him yeah and he looks you dude in

01:16:52

his face his eyes he looked happier than

01:16:54

you've ever seen a human in your entire

01:16:55

life

01:16:56

Aristotle no no this man this guy in

01:16:58

Stata goes uh hey man how you doing like

01:17:02

checking in on him yeah and the guy goes

01:17:04

like this he goes he goes I really miss

01:17:08

my kids blacked out of his [ __ ] my so

01:17:19

funny nobody I went to go see um the

01:17:21

Japanese the famous Japanese beetles

01:17:24

yeah Wow they were uh and I'm not

01:17:27

kidding like the real thing they were

01:17:29

better than you they were better than

01:17:30

the real thing

01:17:30

well you've never seen the real thing

01:17:32

you [ __ ] I don't care I saw them

01:17:33

there in Japan yeah these [ __ ]

01:17:35

were phenomenal yeah and I was thinking

01:17:37

I was gonna get something they were

01:17:38

gonna get like phonetics correct but

01:17:40

someone know that

01:17:43

what the [ __ ] was that you want to ruin

01:17:46

the flow or we're out of your [ __ ]

01:17:48

mind

01:17:48

Jorge yeah do directors do that when

01:17:51

they're shooting why did you do that it

01:17:53

was blocking my face was a block in his

01:17:55

face

01:17:55

yeah what's marking your face sir don't

01:17:57

talk [ __ ] you don't talk [ __ ] all right

01:18:02

what are you talking for get on dresses

01:18:04

riding high off that stand-up set yeah

01:18:05

you know I think Asians are the only

01:18:09

race that when people are allowed cuz

01:18:12

Pauly Shore right every time I'm around

01:18:15

him he sings out loud at the spa we'll

01:18:19

walk into the Korean spa and he'll just

01:18:22

acapella Chinese people are the best

01:18:27

people in the world right and Koreans

01:18:30

are just washing themselves and they're

01:18:34

just washing right keeps going you'll

01:18:36

touch their heads Chinese people and

01:18:39

just go and they'll just do it yeah yeah

01:18:43

they let him do it

01:18:44

yeah but it's time it's time that we say

01:18:47

[ __ ] like that's not stopping [ __ ]

01:18:50

okay yeah well why don't you say

01:18:52

something - Paul you're with him I keep

01:18:54

pulling a massage hey I know this has

01:18:56

been 25 years you've been doing this

01:18:57

every day for 25 years literally yeah 25

01:19:01

years Yeah right every [ __ ] day it's

01:19:03

enough and I go for 25 year you know

01:19:06

that I'm Korean I know buddy Chinese

01:19:09

people and it'll just keep doing it and

01:19:12

it's like I love them and I let him do

01:19:14

it

01:19:14

I do love it he's like a brother to me

01:19:15

you know yeah Holly so much but it's

01:19:18

like it's you know it's time for us as a

01:19:21

people you know I mean it's you know

01:19:23

it's just you know we have to be more

01:19:25

woke yeah so I was doing some times when

01:19:28

I was in doing Harold and Kumar 3 we're

01:19:30

shooting in Michigan really yeah why

01:19:34

Michigan because back then I guess they

01:19:36

had static tax break tax breaks yeah so

01:19:39

remember John his trailer was farther

01:19:42

away cuz he's in the number 1 on the

01:19:44

coffee right so he was shooting more

01:19:46

closer to my trailer so he goes yo do

01:19:50

can I use your bathroom

01:19:51

I go yeah go John so John uses my

01:19:53

bathroom but at the same

01:19:55

I had 10 minutes before that asked for

01:19:57

some Advil because I had a headache

01:19:59

mm-hmm

01:20:00

so the medical guy he didn't know John

01:20:02

was in my trailer and I had I was

01:20:05

smoking you know by the little steps

01:20:07

there sure and he comes around the

01:20:09

corner of the medical guy and in Galli

01:20:11

story he's a white guy he's Dorie

01:20:17

right and John flies out of the [ __ ]

01:20:21

trailer go what the [ __ ] man what's up

01:20:24

with the accent they used to joke you

01:20:27

know I just do it you know for my Asian

01:20:30

friends had a lot of Asian friend you

01:20:31

know how they charging it up yeah you

01:20:33

think if you ever do that accent again

01:20:35

you're not gonna be working in this

01:20:37

movie oh damn and he walks away

01:20:39

he was the medic is that okay no matter

01:20:40

and the medic blushed and I went yeah

01:20:48

but I realize I go it's not okay yeah no

01:20:51

you know but people still feel like we

01:20:55

the reason why is because we don't say

01:20:57

[ __ ] but here's the thing it's only okay

01:21:01

if there's a pre-established

01:21:02

relationship right yeah like I was

01:21:04

talking to someone about this they were

01:21:06

asking me why is it okay an older

01:21:09

gentleman why is it okay for the for

01:21:12

black people to say the n-word and I had

01:21:14

this long-winded conversation I was like

01:21:16

because it's taking away power from a

01:21:18

word that whites used to use to

01:21:20

denigrate black people right he's like

01:21:22

yeah but doesn't that perpetuate the

01:21:24

negativity putting it out there I said

01:21:25

not when you own the word mm-hmm so it's

01:21:30

only okay contextually if you've made it

01:21:33

okay mmm so like if you [ __ ] joke

01:21:35

with me and we make it okay mmm it's but

01:21:38

it has to be a predetermined thing yeah

01:21:40

and there's no rules there's no like

01:21:41

it's just a thing that you must know

01:21:43

yeah it's it's funny black people black

01:21:45

people will call me the n-word sometimes

01:21:47

yeah and I don't even know how to feel

01:21:49

yeah like I'm like I have to go I'm

01:21:52

going with it I can't say it back but I

01:21:56

also like don't I don't know how to

01:21:58

react to it sometimes yeah so I call the

01:22:01

cops on them yeah it's good yeah it's

01:22:05

cool

01:22:06

no you did

01:22:07

I believed you for I know nothing sane

01:22:13

no that's how I know I know but

01:22:14

truthfully I do have black friends that

01:22:16

say it called me the n-word or they'll

01:22:17

say it in conversation yeah yeah and

01:22:19

it's a part of the flow yeah but it's

01:22:23

interesting to see when other people see

01:22:24

them say it to me yeah and they're like

01:22:27

why did he why does he have it it's

01:22:28

funny how sensitive would be coming

01:22:30

because it's like you know I'm on a game

01:22:33

show coming out what is it called game

01:22:35

on it's it's coming on it's on CBS game

01:22:37

on on CBS CBS Tuesday night's 8:00 p.m.

01:22:40

it's featuring Bob Lee it's you know me

01:22:42

Rob Gronkowski Venus Williams oh I saw

01:22:45

the preview yeah did you really I did

01:22:47

yeah there's a preview online it was I

01:22:48

in the preview no no wow Gronk it was a

01:22:54

moat it was a grog thing it was a

01:22:55

growing thing it was just him okay good

01:22:57

but anyway I'm on it yeah I'm on his

01:22:59

team this is me and Gronkowski versus

01:23:01

Ian Karmel and Venus Williams oh they

01:23:03

should show them it showed Ian and

01:23:05

William sister but it's you and then it

01:23:07

just showed Gronk by himself it's fine

01:23:10

I know what you're trying to do in the

01:23:12

ad it literally said Rob Gronkowski

01:23:13

versus Venus and Ian Karmel that that's

01:23:16

fine huh it said one-man-show versus a

01:23:20

two-person so when I was on the show

01:23:25

yeah so they you know what game on yeah

01:23:27

when they hired me they were like you

01:23:28

know we want you to do what you do on

01:23:31

Tiger belly end you're podcasting right

01:23:34

and then I and I go okay oh my god you

01:23:38

know if you can shame me here no I just

01:23:40

want to see that I want to see the

01:23:41

imagery let me just go ahead you they

01:23:43

would they ask you what you want to do

01:23:44

on the no so so weirdly they they they

01:23:47

want you know you know we like your you

01:23:49

know what you do on podcast so I go in

01:23:52

my heart I'm like okay good this is I'm

01:23:56

just gonna do my thing yeah just walk

01:23:57

around so remember we're shooting we do

01:24:00

a panel Keegan's on it and they're doing

01:24:02

a panel and they mentioned you know they

01:24:08

put an athlete on you know on the screen

01:24:10

then they go what are the things that

01:24:13

this person would love to do and one of

01:24:15

them was Renaissance Faire the other one

01:24:17

was barbecues and

01:24:19

it everyone and I was saying it's not

01:24:23

Renaissance Fairs because black people

01:24:25

don't go to Renaissance Fairs mm-hmm

01:24:27

right there ain't no [ __ ] black

01:24:28

hobbits no right something like that

01:24:30

right I remember

01:24:33

and people just producers coming down

01:24:37

surrounding me you can't you can say

01:24:41

that I can't make a joke and I go I just

01:24:43

said that black people don't go to

01:24:44

Renaissance Faire they don't I know by

01:24:46

point though is is that but that's what

01:24:49

we're we're at yeah comedy-wise what was

01:24:51

Keegan there yeah did he laugh no one

01:24:54

laughed

01:24:54

Keegan did me like as if I said the

01:24:56

n-word did you follow it up with the

01:24:58

n-word wait but kee did you say to

01:25:00

Keegan where you elected you were you

01:25:02

offended by that yeah another joke was

01:25:04

at my mustache and Ian goes you look

01:25:08

like Freddie Mercury right I go sick

01:25:12

Freddie Mercury you're mean

01:25:19

so what I'm saying is is that he doesn't

01:25:21

even write about my point is is that

01:25:22

it's fun because on this yeah when we're

01:25:26

on here we I don't know what it is is is

01:25:28

that are we not up to the times or are

01:25:33

we being too sensitive if the world

01:25:36

being too sensitive isn't the question

01:25:38

okay well I'll answer it to the best of

01:25:39

my ability yeah what we do here cuz I

01:25:43

call him fancy [ __ ] and now yeah if I

01:25:45

said that on any TV show garand your

01:25:48

[ __ ] I'm cancelled BAE but here's the

01:25:50

deal this is a comedy podcast the whole

01:25:53

point of this is to have the freedom to

01:25:55

joke around mm-hmm I mean none of this

01:25:58

this is [ __ ] ridiculous hmm

01:26:00

this is [ __ ] the whole thing is

01:26:01

[ __ ] insane mm-hmm so it's like I got

01:26:04

there's an understanding that this is

01:26:07

chaos and stupid and goofy and 99% of

01:26:10

what we say is probably a joke or fake

01:26:12

or just us [ __ ] around yeah this

01:26:15

isn't a sentimental heart-to-heart

01:26:16

doesn't matter that we are to say a show

01:26:19

that our woke no but no no in fact I

01:26:22

think they're probably more woke because

01:26:23

we're breaking down the barriers of how

01:26:25

annoying it is to be so questioning

01:26:28

everything

01:26:28

unless it's detrimental for somebody

01:26:30

right nothing on the show is going to be

01:26:31

detrimental for some

01:26:32

yes it's all for fun this is actually to

01:26:34

break away from how nonsense it is to be

01:26:37

over overparenting what we do and what

01:26:40

we say yeah look there was a guy on

01:26:42

Twitter I posted the other day ariana

01:26:45

know which one is it Vanessa Hudgens put

01:26:48

up a video of her being like she go on

01:26:50

my Twitter she's like yeah it's like the

01:26:52

virus is gonna saw those young people

01:26:54

but like that's inevitable or never tore

01:26:57

whatever its it gonna happen but like I

01:26:59

like I respect the virus but it's like

01:27:03

what he gonna do you know and she's like

01:27:05

flippant about it right right all I did

01:27:06

was retweet it and I wrote Vee Hodge

01:27:09

will lead us into salvation just Joe

01:27:11

this is the voice you know just like

01:27:13

[ __ ] around

01:27:14

by the way I'm not even criticizing her

01:27:16

I don't care I think it's funny but

01:27:18

she's cancelled no she's fine well does

01:27:20

she released a statement last night

01:27:21

saying oh my god I'm so sorry about

01:27:23

being insensitive that's my problem she

01:27:25

can't make a flippant statement without

01:27:27

having to apologize she'd even say

01:27:29

anything bad that bad yeah last week

01:27:31

Andre said that gays Jews blacks are

01:27:34

gonna get the virus and and he won't

01:27:36

remember that he said he said that oh

01:27:38

yeah and he's not he's fine we just know

01:27:42

in this world yeah our fans have an

01:27:45

agreement with us or new viewers that

01:27:47

this is [ __ ] it's a joke this is all

01:27:50

[ __ ] her it's your [ __ ] yeah this

01:27:52

guy says this guy tweets him of all the

01:27:54

people that like the tweet and a lot of

01:27:55

people then take in their like stupid

01:27:57

[ __ ] and it's like well that wasn't my

01:27:58

intention I was just think I thought it

01:27:59

was funny that she was just flippant

01:28:00

about a virus right yeah I didn't call

01:28:03

her any names some guy writes me and

01:28:05

goes way - way to go buddy

01:28:09

mocking mocking someone's doubt at a

01:28:12

moment when all its clickbait all you're

01:28:14

gonna do is gain a couple of followers

01:28:15

from it congratulations and I wrote back

01:28:17

to him hey buddy I'm a comedian

01:28:20

this is Twitter that and gaining some

01:28:23

followers office something I tweet is

01:28:24

exactly what we're doing here what the

01:28:27

[ __ ] do you think we're doing you

01:28:28

twitter is a none of this matters

01:28:30

twitter is fake this isn't CNN this

01:28:33

isn't a news source so that's my point

01:28:34

is like we know bad friends fans know

01:28:37

this is all for fun god we're gonna be

01:28:40

fine

01:28:40

it's all for fun no I the reason why I

01:28:44

do

01:28:45

in this mm-hmm is because I'm tired of

01:28:49

like waiting in line and then saying

01:28:53

things that people tell me to say and

01:28:55

then I'm going conforming to what people

01:28:57

want me to conform to totally originally

01:28:58

I did this just so that I could just say

01:29:01

whatever the [ __ ] I want to we do that's

01:29:02

the [ __ ] that's half and if I know but

01:29:04

my point though is is that there are

01:29:05

times where I lay in bed and I go you

01:29:08

know is it is Andrew and I prehistoric

01:29:11

are we saying things we shouldn't yeah I

01:29:14

don't have we not changed or thinking

01:29:16

where do you want to what do you want to

01:29:17

change well I want to be able to get to

01:29:19

the point where I look at ondrea's I

01:29:22

don't call them fancy [ __ ] but it's so

01:29:24

far so real though he is a fancy [ __ ]

01:29:27

and that's the thing that I can't get my

01:29:30

head okay so I would argue the language

01:29:32

that kind of language yeah and he knows

01:29:34

it's in jest he's our friend he's

01:29:35

laughing he's laughing like love and

01:29:37

fancy being hurt right I think I think

01:29:41

knowing that there is nothing but love

01:29:44

and friendship in this room that the

01:29:45

context is endearing is the only way we

01:29:48

can move forward with language knowing

01:29:51

that none of that is none of that is

01:29:55

intently meant to be mean right yeah the

01:29:59

guy that was a whole mystery mystery

01:30:01

with the cinetic he doesn't have that

01:30:03

relationship with John so he can't do

01:30:05

that [ __ ] right everything is ER did I

01:30:07

but he did but you you could have been

01:30:10

like hey don't say that [ __ ] I don't

01:30:11

like that [ __ ] you're not my friend yeah

01:30:12

and and getting rid of that as a whole

01:30:15

of a white guy going oh if you wanted to

01:30:19

get rid of it as a whole then you should

01:30:21

say I don't want to hear it anymore it's

01:30:22

not fun anymore yeah I don't want that

01:30:23

you know what say yeah you doing Asian

01:30:27

access dude yeah go ahead hurts my

01:30:29

feelings okay and I don't want you to do

01:30:31

it anymore

01:30:33

[Music]

01:30:35

you heard it here fourth that's why it's

01:30:41

funny yeah none of it is none of there's

01:30:43

no negative intent I really meant that

01:30:45

but it's okay yeah there's no negative

01:30:52

intent I think that's them that's the

01:30:53

purpose the problem is yeah it's like I

01:30:55

said it's a [ __ ] vague line why is it

01:30:59

that when we

01:30:59

on each other it's we know it's love and

01:31:01

then when the medic says something like

01:31:05

you know demeaning it's more seriously

01:31:08

there there's an unwritten rule of

01:31:11

friendship and relationships that you

01:31:12

don't that we'll never be able to

01:31:13

explain yeah it's like if I was a medic

01:31:16

and the guy was redheaded

01:31:17

mm-hm and I said here you're ahead fill

01:31:20

in here some lucky charm yeah yeah I

01:31:22

mean like I wouldn't do that if I didn't

01:31:24

know the person but if you know them

01:31:25

it's funny it's funny if I know them but

01:31:28

it's like the medic doesn't know me your

01:31:30

master is crazy about it well but you

01:31:32

like it is it in his in his head it

01:31:35

thinks it's okay because you sometimes

01:31:38

perpetuate it maybe you bring it on or

01:31:41

say it's okay or you encourage it right

01:31:43

okay so if you say be more woke mmm then

01:31:47

you would need to be more vocal about

01:31:48

things you don't like when people do it

01:31:50

yeah I'm not gonna stop with you I don't

01:31:54

want you to stop that's what I'm saying

01:31:56

yeah but I know that that's a thing that

01:31:57

exists yeah

01:31:58

andreas the if he doesn't like you

01:32:01

calling him a fancy B if you didn't like

01:32:03

it and andreas when I call you a fancy B

01:32:07

yeah does that offend you know do you

01:32:10

think it's funny or you think this is

01:32:12

annoying

01:32:12

I think it's funny is it annoying though

01:32:14

no there we go i and here's the thing we

01:32:18

pay him so we can say whatever we want

01:32:20

to him that's he's ours we own him yeah

01:32:22

that's a power play yeah you're our

01:32:24

employee and we own you you understand

01:32:25

yeah say yes you say yes sirs yes it's

01:32:30

so terrible here's a no but if you but

01:32:32

if you were annoyed you'd probably say

01:32:33

something yeah but this is a

01:32:35

relationship of a comedy show that's the

01:32:37

whole point I know what you mean you

01:32:38

want to be more woke no I don't I mean

01:32:41

you said sometimes you lay in bed I and

01:32:43

III I think to myself why is it that I

01:32:47

find certain things humorous that you

01:32:50

know these Millennials wouldn't okay let

01:32:53

me stop you right there right this is

01:32:54

this is - there's two parts to this that

01:32:56

I think what you just said

01:32:57

why do I find it funny why do you find

01:33:00

it funny that making fun of our

01:33:01

differences that when you make fun of my

01:33:03

stupid ugly red face and you make fun of

01:33:05

him and we make fun why is it that we

01:33:07

find that funny because it's comforting

01:33:08

because we know that's the thing we

01:33:10

share it's like I make fun of you you

01:33:12

make fun of me you may

01:33:13

funny George George really we always

01:33:15

just make fun of George he doesn't have

01:33:16

anybody yeah but that's just that's

01:33:18

that's the relationship that exists so

01:33:20

I'm saying you find it funny because

01:33:21

it's inherently funny to tease each

01:33:23

other about think differences I think

01:33:25

that that's differences make us like

01:33:26

that since the dawn of time

01:33:28

no [ __ ] of course right of course yes of

01:33:30

course yeah there is an unhealthy

01:33:32

version and there's a healthy version in

01:33:33

my opinion us [ __ ] around in here

01:33:36

healthy we're in a [ __ ] this is our

01:33:37

this is our vacuum what this is what we

01:33:39

love on the outside if you want to be

01:33:42

more woke yeah that's social awareness

01:33:44

but that's just that's a balance that

01:33:46

we'll learn over time right like you

01:33:49

know how when you see okay when you're

01:33:51

out in public and and when you see a

01:33:54

when you're when you're in the corner

01:33:55

store and a black guy walks into the

01:33:57

corner store yeah you know how you

01:33:58

usually go run and you leave yeah you

01:34:03

can't do that anymore

01:34:04

alright right you know its language is

01:34:08

delicate and it's all contextual that's

01:34:10

what I'll say yeah you know what you

01:34:12

know what I hate to write one time I was

01:34:15

walking down the street I was in

01:34:17

Cleveland I was going to hilarity was or

01:34:20

something okay and I I was going from

01:34:23

the club to you know it's not that far

01:34:25

from the club to the hotel right so I

01:34:28

was walking and I was like do I have my

01:34:30

key right so I always put my key in my

01:34:34

right back pocket do I have my key as

01:34:36

soon as I did this I was walking by a

01:34:38

black person because I'm not gonna steal

01:34:40

your wallet [ __ ] house and that

01:34:44

and I walk back oh I didn't say that out

01:34:49

loud it looks like you were protecting

01:34:51

your wallet it looks like I was no I was

01:34:53

just like at the same time I'm not gonna

01:34:55

you're right yeah he's like am I gonna

01:34:57

steal your [ __ ] right my wallet happened

01:34:59

to be back there but you know another

01:35:05

incident I was in DC what did you put

01:35:07

what did you say back to him nothing I

01:35:08

just let him pass and I was just like

01:35:10

angry that I'm like dude I don't think

01:35:12

that [ __ ] you should have said him he

01:35:16

goes yeah but I don't we also I always

01:35:18

feel like if I get in a confrontation

01:35:19

with somebody it's gonna exceed to a

01:35:22

let's play it out you say to me you say

01:35:24

to me yeah this is how it should have

01:35:26

gone

01:35:27

you say to me I'm not gonna tear while

01:35:28

we're walking the black I am I'm you

01:35:29

ready I'm not gonna steal your wallet

01:35:32

[ __ ] well it's happened before

01:35:34

[Laughter]

01:35:38

another thing is I was in DCEO is that a

01:35:42

hot dog in that place that huh that Bill

01:35:43

Cosby loves a hot dog place indeed Bill

01:35:45

Cosby I hate hot talked about I love B

01:35:47

okay yeah yeah yeah and I was at that

01:35:50

hot dog place and I was walking out of

01:35:51

there and I was like in the way of a

01:35:55

black man and I go and and I excuse me

01:36:00

brother he knew you I said I'm not your

01:36:03

brother

01:36:04

mm-hmm right and Mike yeah I was black

01:36:09

or not that I was just like you know I

01:36:10

know we're not little brothers but

01:36:12

you're a fellow human being like I

01:36:14

didn't say that I just I don't want yeah

01:36:17

you felt like you did you said yeah that

01:36:19

the wrong you my brother is a term of

01:36:20

endearment

01:36:21

right so you know people were so overly

01:36:25

even stranger they're so overly just

01:36:28

sensitive and yeah but it depends on

01:36:30

your approach and depends on their mood

01:36:32

right yeah I shouldn't take it

01:36:34

personally because I don't know their

01:36:37

life experiences I have no idea I've

01:36:39

never walked in their shoes I have no

01:36:41

idea right you know where they're coming

01:36:43

at well you probably have nicer shoes in

01:36:45

them that's the other side of I have

01:36:46

$800 pair of golden goose let's play out

01:36:49

the scene that you said I'm not your

01:36:50

brother let's see how this should have

01:36:51

gone I'm the black guy again

01:36:53

yeah and I'm you ready yeah here we go

01:36:55

all right

01:36:57

oh excuse me brother I didn't mean again

01:36:59

I'm not your brother [ __ ] thank

01:37:03

God my brother successful and smart and

01:37:05

not trash like you that's what you

01:37:07

should have said no but you know what

01:37:11

though by the way you doing the bad

01:37:13

black voice is bad that that's and I

01:37:16

just did that's my point though what if

01:37:19

you want to get you know no [ __ ] you

01:37:20

because [ __ ] you because hey wait a

01:37:23

minute

01:37:23

I'm just saying I know you want to be

01:37:24

more wolf then you have to do his voice

01:37:26

and it can't be like I'm not your

01:37:28

brother [ __ ] I was a little that

01:37:30

was a listen

01:37:33

then I'm impersonating everybody whether

01:37:35

they're black or white so let's do that

01:37:37

you want me to do this so

01:37:38

you you do you be me again okay no you

01:37:41

be you and then I'll be the black guy no

01:37:43

I will show you I'll show you how you

01:37:45

should have said it if you were the

01:37:47

black guy here's how

01:37:47

okay you wanna get the laughs here okay

01:37:50

good yeah here's what the black I should

01:37:54

have sounded like all right so um excuse

01:37:56

me brother I'm not your brother

01:37:58

oh I should have done it like that

01:38:03

yeah just regular voice yeah you were

01:38:05

like I'm not your brother [ __ ]

01:38:07

like it was a 70s [ __ ] do it could we

01:38:10

do one thing that's super racist just

01:38:12

cut it out leave it in no cut it up see

01:38:16

this is how I wanted to say it okay so

01:38:18

I'll do let's do here the black eye I'm

01:38:20

the black guy yeah so I go excuse me

01:38:21

brother I'm not your brother [ __ ]

01:38:29

oh I want my brother just texted me so I

01:38:32

want to promote speaking of real

01:38:34

brothers speaking of real brothers yeah

01:38:36

Stevie we be Bob's brother new album was

01:38:41

a new EP that just came out yeah he's

01:38:43

he's uh it's called ode to my pops ode

01:38:46

to my pops he sent it to me his his

01:38:48

hip-hop name is Guang Wu which is his

01:38:50

Korean name that says that's it so

01:38:52

that's I was gonna say I was like what

01:38:53

is that Kwame you a n G oh you kuang

01:38:57

kuang goo it's called ode to my pops EP

01:39:00

cuz my dad died in August and yeah he

01:39:03

wrote an EP and it's really good I've

01:39:05

listened to it I love it it's on Stevie

01:39:08

we be VanCamp calm yeah we'll put up the

01:39:11

link in the description go to Stevie we

01:39:13

be Bandcamp calm yes my brother been

01:39:15

working hard on it and Eric Griffin

01:39:17

loves it I love it yeah love it and keep

01:39:19

this [ __ ] I think yeah he's a talented

01:39:22

young man can you plug in my phone my

01:39:25

phone dude I just got this text hey you

01:39:27

guys my phone is on Bluetooth I want to

01:39:29

see if I can hear them jacks right here

01:39:31

all right

01:39:32

you knew Michael Rosenbaum is yeah I

01:39:33

love him I don't think you do because uh

01:39:36

why he goes hey gorgeous can you get

01:39:38

Andrew Santino on my pod nobody is doing

01:39:40

[ __ ] he's got time love ya we all have

01:39:45

time we're all dying

01:39:46

so Michael Rossum he texted him and I

01:39:49

already texted about it I just can't get

01:39:50

a schedule down between doing mine and

01:39:52

this one well you have your own

01:39:54

quarantine you have everyday this just

01:39:56

happened Bob you have every day free

01:39:59

don't [ __ ] might with my friend man he's

01:40:01

Lex Luthor bro he he wanted to schedule

01:40:04

this before the quarantine when I was on

01:40:05

the road this you're getting a text

01:40:07

today now that we're in quarantine yeah

01:40:08

I'm gonna I'm gonna call him right

01:40:18

hey Michael

01:40:20

so Andrew Santino I'm next to him right

01:40:21

now and he goes I go

01:40:24

can you do his podcast and Andrew

01:40:26

Santino literally this is a little bit

01:40:27

of [ __ ] that guy yeah that's what I said

01:40:29

so I don't know what that means

01:40:34

Rosi Rosi I actually said I said I said

01:40:37

I don't like anybody that associates

01:40:39

with you Bobby so [ __ ] that guy I don't

01:40:43

like him at all I don't like the way he

01:40:44

looks well he basically said he has all

01:40:46

the time in the world so he'll schedule

01:40:48

okay yeah maybe dad Korean name was and

01:41:01

he said some like son Jeep something and

01:41:03

I go what's my what's my Korean name he

01:41:05

said all right Michael he'll call you

01:41:13

and to reschedule okay suck dick to suck

01:41:15

dick you all right just two seconds this

01:41:20

I want to play this two seconds is your

01:41:21

brother your brother ready so dope like

01:41:36

it that's it I know I do I do like it a

01:41:37

lot he sent it to me and I enjoy I don't

01:41:38

know how much of it we can play without

01:41:40

[ __ ] iTunes or somebody getting I

01:41:42

gotta go back to the quarantine so I

01:41:44

think we should end it

01:41:44

okay mm-hmm all right look into the

01:41:46

camera and end it thank you for being a

01:41:50

bad friend

01:41:52

can we do with an axe

01:41:55

[Music]

01:42:04

you

Badges

This episode stands out for the following:

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Funniest
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Best performance
60
Most unserious (in a good way)

Episode Highlights

Health Concerns and Humor
A light-hearted conversation about health and the pandemic with a friend.
“If I die, Eric, you're gonna die!”
@ 02m 51s
March 23, 2020
Unexpected Love for a Cat
A humorous story about developing affection for a cat after initial dislike.
“I just wanted to grab it and squeeze the life out of ya!”
@ 09m 46s
March 23, 2020
Mental Health Matters
Counseling has been a transformative experience for many, lifting burdens and providing support.
“Counseling really changed my life.”
@ 22m 50s
March 23, 2020
Navigating Public Health Concerns
The decision to cancel shows was made to protect others from potential harm.
“I don't want to be responsible for other people being put in harm's way.”
@ 24m 39s
March 23, 2020
Cultural Eating Habits
Discussing cultural differences in food consumption and what is considered normal.
“If that’s part of your culture and it’s normal, then why would it be abnormal?”
@ 40m 01s
March 23, 2020
A Heartfelt Message
A sincere reminder to check in with family during tough times.
“If you take nothing from this virus, it’s that we should try to care about people.”
@ 47m 55s
March 23, 2020
Sam Kinison's Influence
Reflecting on the impact of Sam Kinison on comedy and personal growth.
“I still have that shirt you need to frame it.”
@ 58m 31s
March 23, 2020
Norm Macdonald Moment
A memorable encounter with Norm Macdonald left a lasting impression of warmth and humor.
“Good luck or whatever!”
@ 01h 03m 24s
March 23, 2020
Katie's Prank at MADtv
Katie Dippold's clever prank during a table read led to unexpected laughter and chaos.
“Bobby has a different sketch there!”
@ 01h 06m 37s
March 23, 2020
The Power of Words
A discussion on the context and ownership of language, especially in comedy.
“It's only okay contextually if you've made it okay.”
@ 01h 21m 33s
March 23, 2020
Comedy and Sensitivity
Exploring the balance between humor and social awareness in today's climate.
“This is a comedy podcast; the whole point is to have the freedom to joke around.”
@ 01h 25m 55s
March 23, 2020
Ode to My Pops
Stevie's new EP, 'Ode to My Pops', is a heartfelt tribute to his late father.
“It's really good, I've listened to it.”
@ 01h 39m 05s
March 23, 2020

Episode Quotes

I just wanted to grab it and squeeze the life out of ya!
Hi, America! | Ep 6 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee
I need to go out there and I rely on road money.
Hi, America! | Ep 6 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee
I just don’t eat the bat, yeah I mean.
Hi, America! | Ep 6 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee
I was like, 'Holy [ __ ]!'.
Hi, America! | Ep 6 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee
It's time for us as a people.
Hi, America! | Ep 6 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee
I’m impersonating everybody whether they’re black or white.
Hi, America! | Ep 6 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee

Key Moments

Pandemic Humor02:51
Cat Love09:46
Counseling Benefits22:50
Family Check-in44:43
Kinison Tribute57:51
Unexpected Humor1:02:31
Context Matters1:21:33
Quarantine Talks1:39:45

Words per Minute Over Time

Vibes Breakdown

Staycation 2020 | Ep 5 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee

March 21, 2020

01:07:01

Staycation 2020 | Ep 5 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee

Bobo’s Magic Calf Cream | Ep 20 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee

June 29, 2020

01:09:24

Bobo’s Magic Calf Cream | Ep 20 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee

Shoot The TV | Ep 3 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino & Bobby Lee

March 02, 2020

01:23:57

Shoot The TV | Ep 3 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino & Bobby Lee

LA Riots 2k20 | Ep 16 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee

June 01, 2020

01:28:55

LA Riots 2k20 | Ep 16 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee

Pumpkins, Andy's Pandy, and Bobocopia ft. Rick Glassman | Ep 35 | Bad Friends

October 12, 2020

01:12:57

Pumpkins, Andy's Pandy, and Bobocopia ft. Rick Glassman | Ep 35 | Bad Friends

Korean Elvis & Andrew Dahmer | Ep 140 | Bad Friends

October 31, 2022

01:07:19

Korean Elvis & Andrew Dahmer | Ep 140 | Bad Friends

Get Out of This World! | Ep 18 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee

June 15, 2020

01:31:10

Get Out of This World! | Ep 18 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee

Alfalfa Sprout & Toco Choco | Ep 100 | Bad Friends

January 24, 2022

01:12:46

Alfalfa Sprout & Toco Choco | Ep 100 | Bad Friends

Bobby Is Going to the White House | Ep 268 | Bad Friends

May 05, 2025

01:02:43

Bobby Is Going to the White House | Ep 268 | Bad Friends

Bye Bye Brits | Ep 21 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee

July 06, 2020

01:08:43

Bye Bye Brits | Ep 21 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee

You Are Always With You | Ep 8 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee

April 06, 2020

01:19:35

You Are Always With You | Ep 8 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee

Andrew & Bobby Hide a Body | Ep 79 | Bad Friends

August 23, 2021

01:25:02

Andrew & Bobby Hide a Body | Ep 79 | Bad Friends