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could you do me a quick favor if you're listening to this please hit the follow or subscribe button it helps more than you know and we invite subscribers in
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every month to watch the show in person i had to achieve i had to be perfect i
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guess ultimately take on the suffering the player of the tournament johnny wilkinson a genuine
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sporting legend how much pressure has this man been under this week for me it was do or die on the field so therefore
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where other people kind of called it quits and threw in the towel i didn't have the choice this will go down in history was
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your mental health better or worse after that moment when i was on the field in the zone i was operating at a level i
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couldn't even understand waking up the next morning you know leaves you in the cold light of day i thought there was going to be joy here i
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was convinced there isn't i spent my life being very fit but not really that healthy
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health is about what fitness can come out of unless you look after health it's dangerous
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people say i wish i'd made more of my life wish i'd enjoyed every moment but that starts with health working on
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someone else really doesn't work for anyone working on yourself tends to work for everyone
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so without further ado i'm stephen bartlett and this is the diary of a ceo i hope nobody's listening
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but if you are then please keep this yourself [Music]
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johnny um you went on to become one of the real greats in rugby and i remember watching
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you in my living room as a very very young kid on the screen in awes not just in that 2003 moment but but long before
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then and when i think about when i sit here with guests that are athletes or successful entrepreneurs or whatever they might be
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they sometimes but not usually can give me a sort of a fairly accurate description of what happened in the
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earlier phases of life that would would mold them to become that champion or that ceo that they later were you're
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someone that is incredibly self-aware so i was very much looking forward to asking you the same question which is when you reflect on the early stages of
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your life what were the like defining um molding experiences for better or for
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worse that you would point at and say that's probably why or at least that led to in part who i
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became later in life um i think
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the best way of answering that would be to say that in my younger days i'm very young
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without any any kind of triggering
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events certainly not that i can um remember or ever ever sort of come into
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contact with i had enormous passion
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and some kind of adeptness
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for bulls skills so if i had a ball in my hand
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things just made sense i could work out i could i could in my sort of head i could have a
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some some sort of target some sort of goal something to do with that ball and i could
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i could work it out that was part of the intelligence i had was just
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i could bring those things about relatively effortlessly and i had a real passion for exploring
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that it still is the case with me i still find myself playing basketball and
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and often so much of this i'll do on my own because it's my relationship with that
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inner capacity i have that interests me not to show what i can
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do but it's that sense of i guess being at home and that's where a huge amount of the
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revelations that i have in life come from from that kind of relationship however there was also another
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relationship which again without the triggering event um
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i grew up with an immense sense of doom and fear about everything so i had
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this incredible sort of passion and inclination towards
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expressing myself with with balls and skills and and in competition as well but the
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competition side was a need that wasn't a desire the the the
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achievement um all that stuff was obsessive um
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but from a negative perspective because i had this sense of doom surrounding everything
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that was my disconnect if you like i saw other people handling situations that seemed so simple to them but for me
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insurmountable and yet when they looked at me with regards to ah you know with a ball in my hand what they thought was
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impossible for me just was relatively straightforward and i think those two sides of my path meant that
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i had this constant uh drive to just
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find myself in a garden with a ball in my hand that's all all hours of the day and night most of the time
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it's all i talk about all i talked about what i spoke about all i did and yet on the other hand i had this ever-present
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fear that i built this if you like defense mechanism coping strategy
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but ultimately identity around how to
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somehow survive that fear and that that for me that mechanism i put in place was
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i had to achieve i had to be perfect and i had to
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i guess ultimately take on the suffering and and live that kind
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of martyr savior stroke warrior archetype and as such i found
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myself really really uncomfortable with when things were seemingly going
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well it just yeah i found that horrendously difficult to handle as a result i would revert to that defense
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mechanism of creating problems if there weren't so i was constantly looking in a state of kind of survival
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for where the next problem was because i was convinced with this ever-present sense of fear that there was a threat
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and it was there and so yeah those two paths essentially
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weaved in and out with each other throughout my entire life but there was no doubt that my ability on the field at times to be in that zone was where i
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felt my genius but at the same time the other strength i had was that for me
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it was do or die on the field so therefore where other people kind of called it quits and threw in the towel
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i didn't have the choice yeah the fear didn't just drop off and let me just sit down for a bit so i
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could go and go and go and go when you talked about your childhood there you said
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despite there being a traumatic event that had created this kind of perspective you had about
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um this sort of fear but also this sense of real peace and homelessness you described it when you have a ball yeah
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um your dad phil was a a rugby player and a football player uh cricket cricket chris
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yeah yeah rugby and cricket yeah it was just two things okay what was his influence on you because it's you know
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when i when i read that he was also a sports player in his own right um that's kind of typically the story you
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expect to hear i sat here with eddie hearn as well his dad worked in the same business i've sat here with ceos their dad worked in the same business and the
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interesting thing i i connected and i'm not making any assumptions here so i'm asking the question is
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in the case of eddie in the case of um uma kamani who was at boohoo
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they describe a very similar thing a real sense of kind of almost innate feeling of pressure to succeed
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and they also at times couldn't necessarily tell you where it comes from what did you either of your parents play
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a role in that in that perceived sense of pressure to succeed no i sort of like i said
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i'm heavily into the introspective side of all this and and part of that kind of
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search now for potential is is where that's moved it used to be grabbing the external and trying to
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expand physically you know what more can i have what more can how can more people know my name or everything that could
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almost expand my reach and and presence on a physical level now no
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really no longer interests me it's it's how to allow my presence you know in that
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non-physical space um and my sort of
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journey of looking into that has meant you know i've i've questioned everything and yeah my my upbringing was
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was you know fantastic in terms of that you know and uh
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i had every opportunity to go and do what i wanted to do um i have my brother there as well
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and my parents all sporty but there was just something in me which had
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latched on yeah and this is something i feel maybe it's something i brought with me into this world from a you know like
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a karmic positioning whereby i was always going to grab things that way i was i was susceptible to
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understanding things a certain way um but for me you know i i
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i sort of pushed my parents hard yeah i can't imagine it was easy my brother too and the way that i was
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i was sort of i challenged them in ways you know i didn't give up and a lot of that like i said was well
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all of the the irrational stuff came from the need for them it was baffling but you know
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they had their lives and i appreciate that as is always the case that
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people are always doing their best and that's what i remember about our family the most is that everyone's always doing
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their best and i look at everyone now and realize that you know people are where they're supposed to be and just
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giving it their all and and what's been so so powerful for me is just being able to
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switch that interest with what giving my best means is more than unlocking and letting go and shedding
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than a what more can i grab and and you know where that path turned around is perhaps
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where you know where i felt the the true understanding of of what
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this journey's been about as opposed to where i was looking to where did it come from what happened here et cetera et cetera it's more of a kind of uh it was
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just about that you said something there which some people might skip over which is you said it might have been something
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you inherited karmically or you know and that reminded me of something i'd heard you say previously about
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being able to sort of inherit generational messages or um whatever that might be do
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you believe in that do you believe that we're passing messages from one generation to another within within
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ourselves and that that is shaping our lives yeah i believe that the
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the role of karma is basically a memory and it's that kind of it's it's the way we've remembered
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things and whilst for me example for example when i'm stuck in that really physical
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identification of this is who i am as in on me i'm johnny and then i do have a start to my story in an end
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but as i've been sort of exploring letting go a bit more of that that kind of physical identity of right
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now i just tend to feel that it opens up a different understanding of memory you
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know if we're a process of that evolution then the cells in our body have a memory
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that goes back a long way yeah and that's impossible to separate you know
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where we come from from parents and where they from their parents from their parents from their parents you know everything is all interconnected
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but we put a stop and a start on it and it seems yeah one of the things i find so so interesting when looking at that
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is that i'm very interested in the science side of it too and looking at
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the desire of science to find you know what it is that we're made of and yet they keep coming up with it's
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nothing and then they go to well what is it we're living in and they keep finding out that it's
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unending and yet who we are we seem to manage to say despite the fact it's made of nothing and it's unending we found a way
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of saying but we're made of this we start here and we stop there it just doesn't make sense to me anymore whereas
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before you know you live in those boundaries what you see inherits those boundaries and i think as
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i've released those you start to not so much question but just allow for different understandings to take
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hold and one of those is that that you know i find it fascinating to
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look at yeah i've got a young child and i find it fascinating to look at children enter and they're all so
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different how are they so different and then you say oh well yeah it's it might be to do with how
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their parents have behaved during the during the the sort of um you know the the months preceding the
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birth and yes but even then why are the parents behaving that way
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goes on and on and it just goes back to the same way that i still believe that we're all doing our best
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but there's a part which we bring with us into this into this space and you know i feel like there is there is
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nature and there's there's that nurture side but that nature yeah but that that nurturing has been going on forever
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and it's and it's important that we have a bias and a stance because without it
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i don't think you can have this physical experience unless there's something holding you in it
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and i think that's the point is to find out what that is and and engage with it embrace it and enjoy it
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and what is holding you within this physical experience what is your stance it's so so interesting that question you know
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at the beginning i'd have said um oh you know this what i'm telling you about my
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fear and then i'm talking about my need to survive and then unlocking that and going beyond it and you think i
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understand it and you get challenged again oh where did that come from i think i understand that now and i feel
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so much challenged again where do these challenges keep coming from and i think that's the
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the part of me understanding what my stance is is an ongoing process an ongoing process of just enjoying
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challenge and embracing it i think i use the kind of
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expression when i talk to some of the guys i i train with and and the when they're they're
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doing their sort of kicking with the the rugby is that it's all about sort of finding
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that absolute piece and an inner environment that allows you to go and
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explore this opportunity you've got ahead of you and every time you find you you can't
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find that state it's because you're holding on to something it's never because you don't know something or because you haven't
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learned something it's because you're holding on to something you don't need and you have sessions right at the end
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of it people are feeling like i feel amazing and you're kind of thinking yeah great just wait till tomorrow
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because this idea is tomorrow i'll still feel amazing but then the next day you're how do you feel i don't
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know i just feel a bit like this why it's because each of those sessions that we're doing it's like a light that
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shines into your your garage where you think you've cleared out all the bags in your garage that you don't need anymore and then you think that's all clear and
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then a slightly brighter light comes in the next day and you're like oh there's loads of stuff over there i didn't see that i better go and clear that now that
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the more you clear the more space you find in there but to think you're going to get to the end of that
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for me to think i'm going to sort of find out why i'm here what i think i'm going to find out is
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it's my choice to be here and that's the beautiful part is the proactive reason for being here
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as we said in the question it was like what's holding you here i think now probably the the way i really see that is is what's my calling what's my
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purpose when that's fulfilled uh that'll be an interesting moment but i don't see that being anytime soon
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it's really interesting reframing of the situation because we you're right we spend our lives looking for some kind of external
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given reason for us are in existence but flipping that and saying well yeah i'm choosing to be here and
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i'm choosing to be here because of the purpose that i've decided on um it's a really powerful thing because you
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know i mean in my dms and messages i get from kids it's this kind of outside external
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search for this easter egg that they were born to find called their passion and their purpose yeah and when they
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can't find the singular easter egg somewhere they fall into such tremendous like frustration and feelings of inadequacy i haven't found my purpose
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that means i'm a piece of [ __ ] and you know that kind of that spiral downwards one of the things you you touched on there was um
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the feeling of peace and you you know and then the um and also just before that um you talked about
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letting go of um something because we're holding on to something and that thing often is identity and expectation something i've
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definitely done in my life is held too much onto a sense of identity and that's really caused me lots of problems as i
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read through your story starting from your very early days in newcastle to later it became apparent that you were
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you're holding more and more onto this expectation and identity which you'd
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earned from your accomplishment and that was having a detrimental impact on your peace yeah so talk to me about identity and
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the journey you've been on there um i think for me perhaps overriding understanding and it
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comes i think from a lot of the way i doubt my sort of immature days of trying to understand that fear and what
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was going to transcend it what was going to help me transcend it and that understanding was
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i'll solve it and when i solve it this fear
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machine will suddenly turn into a joy machine my suffering is going to result in joy
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interestingly enough by feeding that fear with all the reassurance whether it be hours and
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hours and hours upon of kicking or training that's telling me you know giving me the greatest guarantee i could
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possibly hope for which was no guarantee at all never did anything but it never sort of fulfilled itself
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satisfied itself but that was the best i could do to try and reassure the fear of that moment would say look i can do it you
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don't have to worry i can do it but of course as soon as i stop doing it the fear comes back and says can you really do it better do another one and
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so trying to solve it by feeding reassurance to a fear machine the fear machine just becomes a bigger
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fear machine that needs more reassurance to get the same hit trying to get that that same hit just
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meant more and more reassurance so you're building i was building greater habits and needs to keep suffering
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so i could keep solving so you lock yourself into that cycle and that cycle
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when you're locked into it compared to when you're not that's the only difference between why
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you speak about expectation and fear of failure and pressure is just because you're in the cycle it's not a reality
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to life it's the reality to the cycle certainly to my cycle
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and when i'm outside of that when i'm feeling good for example in the middle of the game where you're you're in the zone if you could articulate anything in
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that sort of mind space you know what's the pressure like in
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there what are you talking about how can there be a pressure to now when you're in the now
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there's no consequences to the now because it's now there's no then or
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before or after so you can't have consequences you can't have pressure it's now and so
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deeply understanding that versus the cycle i guess was where i realized what i was
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trying to do with all this identity was answer something was answer a problem the identity was
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creating the problem and the identity was about solving the problem i had to keep the problem to keep the
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identity and i had to keep trying solving it to keep the identity as well and it was never going to go anywhere and i think my big
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issue with all that was i was trying to answer something i was trying to find as we said before in a world made of nothing universe made it nothing that's
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that's ever ongoing i was trying to find that answer and that answer for me was
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from a an identity perspective was about working stuff out logically
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and yet all my peace and my joy came from when my mind was being
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i guess inspired by my heart
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i spent most of my time trying to almost uh i guess
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inform my heart through my head it was what i trying to do i wasn't listening to that one moment where i
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felt beautiful and then learning from that i was learning from the 99 where i was feeling
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so stressed and suffering and i was using that as my guide i was using my head as my guide and i think
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the undoubtedly the the change in me has been to let go of the need to find an answer
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to have that trust in that there is not going to be an answer there is going to be
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um an ev expanding beautiful journey which when you remove the answer it's no longer a journey because it's not going
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anywhere it's an adventure and then that's what the now feels like to me i think you know for me that
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identity was a massive relative existence on a social level
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how did i measure up how did i compare all of that to do with trying to answer that problem basically
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to have this fear i'm somehow not worthy or deserving of having what i want how i
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want it and therefore i've got to manipulate it by looking for what's going to get in
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the way of it and how can i control that to see if i can get some of it anyway instead of that feeling when you're in
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the now which is this universe is working for me
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and we're friends we're not yeah we're not trying to enter into some kind of
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tricky sort of i don't know shady deal where you know we're both trying to con
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each other it's like no no we're we're in this together so mike is there some game where one of you can win and the other one yeah yeah it was yeah for me
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that was always the guess why you could never rest easy because something went well that was the time to be like oh you know
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this is where your life might have lost out because i'm doing well so life's not gonna how's life gonna come back and get me because
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i've just tricked life you know i've gotten something out of it and it's now like i was gonna want repayment for this
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and you're gonna get injured or something you're gonna get injured or you're gonna and i guess in a way when you pride yourself on that perfectionism
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and the achievements and the which achievements basically also comes down to how other people see you feel
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about you what they think of you and when you sort of
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yeah when you enter into to that kind of space it's uh you know
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humiliation is perhaps the biggest fall you know that's the one when you pride
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yourself so much on being perfect the thing that scares the
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the hell out of you i think on from a physical perspective it's living and dying on an identity level it's humiliation
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and yeah that was at the basis of a lot of the training was it would be so humiliating for me and the more
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well-known you become the greater the opportunity of humiliation when you're the unknown it's kind of like it doesn't
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matter too much you know when you're playing down at the park and you miss one no one's watching you kind of like i can handle that but you know 80 000
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people millions on tv when everyone knows you and they're all thinking don't worry he's got this
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yeah that's the moment your your battle with you know fear perfectionism whatever you
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want to call it ultimately led to an obsession on the training ground right because you describe that obsession on
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the training ground is actually a distraction from the fear that like really never worked in terms of filling the void um i i sat here as you were
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saying that i said if johnny at 16 17 18 or before
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had the mindset you have now would he ever become the player he went
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on to become like if a 16 year old who is very similar to johnny is listening to this right now and he takes on all
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the advice that you're giving about being present and you know removing the fear and living without expectation etc
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and living in the now um would that increase or reduce his chances of becoming
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world cup champion yeah it's a it's a good one and
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in some ways i'd have answered that quite simply by saying
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it was when i was at my best that i was already doing this
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so in 1718 when i was on the field in the zone i was operating at a level i couldn't even understand
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and that's because i i was having the mindset that i'm talking about now right so i was already
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having it and it was in those moments that i really shone so it's not like i never had it it's
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just that when i did have it in those years i knew i was onto something
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it's just the relationship i had was that in order to to get in the zone i need to suffer like
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mad and the more i sort of like started succeeding and feeling a bit of the zone the more i said i better suffer some
00:25:10
more the more suffering the more zone but of course you just overload the suffering and you've got no room left
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for anything now and i think working with guys now is the best way to answer this is that
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i'm kind of answering that question by working with people in that younger space
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and one thing that's certainly yeah it's actually very it's impossible
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to do anyway but it's it's also not the right idea is to remove too much of
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someone's suffering because you remove growth so when i say suffering probably challenges is a better word you know
00:25:45
obviously we don't want anyone to suffer but if you remove too much of the challenge you remove the opportunity for growth so in a way
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i was going to have challenge then in whatever form and i needed challenge i needed just
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like saying if you keep winning all the time you just see a plateau in your performance
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and so i didn't want people to agree with me all the time i didn't want to be written about in the paper as being the best all the time as much as asked me
00:26:11
before the game i'd have said please just let me know everything's perfect but actually looking back
00:26:18
those challenges those moments of conflict it's what asks you to step up and go again so i needed the challenge i needed
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all that suffering but it's just where it crosses the line and becomes
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counterintuitive and and counterproductive there needs to be
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an understanding of how to relate to the challenge so that you don't face the same one over and over
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again i think that's what i would i would have been interested to see was you know if you'd have gained some
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ground on that challenge then what other challenge would have come not that would have been it but it would have been a
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different route to see um but it's largely irrelevant it's not something i ever think about because
00:27:01
it's got what i've been through and and what i've experienced in that way
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doesn't make me anything you know the past doesn't make the now the now is the now
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um and i think you know who i am is how i relate to that now and if i'm carrying around this big idea of how i
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got here and what i've understood i'm just separating myself from the now
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and that's so big if i come into the now saying here i'm bringing a past in can i get in the door they're now saying no no
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that key doesn't fit you can't bring the past in here you have to choose you're going to live
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you're going to live sort of disconnected from the now and you can
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have your past or if you're going to allow that and and
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have a different relationship with that then you can have more of me you can have more of the now i think that's uh
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the same goes with the future you know the more you carry your past the more you you're carrying your future at the same time but that same same principle
00:28:01
applies you know if you really want the now it's a case of well you've got to align with it and ask the now you know
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what's the now trying to do nothing what are you trying to do something okay well there's the disconnect and i think
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that's been huge in those moments on i always come back to that moment on the field when i'm in the zone
00:28:19
your identity's gone you you there's no it's me doing this it's me trying to do this there's just
00:28:26
doing as this happened with the 2003 drop goal it's the one moment that i can say
00:28:32
genuinely um it was happening without me involved
00:28:39
i was able to embrace it and enjoy it and experience it but there was no me trying to do it
00:28:44
it happened whilst i was in it but it wasn't me doing it
00:28:50
is that alluding to the fact that you were in a flow state in that moment yeah i mean whatever flow state means to
00:28:57
to anyone it's basically that kind of understanding i guess that there was
00:29:02
for me what felt like a very very immediate
00:29:08
relationship between what i was desiring and intending on the inside and the manifestation of it
00:29:14
was almost instantaneous as opposed to the way people look at it which is like i've got my goals and
00:29:20
and over time you know they're gonna come together to form this it was
00:29:26
it was almost kind of instantaneous in that respect and that's that's where that sense of past and future disappeared because it
00:29:33
was inside outside were you lost their separation
00:29:40
was your mental health um better or worse after that moment
00:29:46
um i think it was a a sort of
00:29:52
catalyst for maybe a a deepening or intensifying or an
00:29:57
acceleration of what was already in place definitely
00:30:06
but it wasn't a brand new thing it was just a bit of a a deeper
00:30:13
i guess experience of it it came for better or for worse for um well i mean guess depending on how you look at the
00:30:19
challenge it was a for example the emptiness was just a bit more severe because
00:30:26
winning the world cup was the main goal so winning the game
00:30:31
and the six the other the grand slam or or getting selected for this or that
00:30:36
were huge goals and the little parts of emptiness afterwards that came
00:30:42
um were was a bit less because one it wasn't the main goal and two also
00:30:49
because it wasn't the main goal the net the main goal was still in place which meant you were therefore still moving towards something
00:30:54
i think because the main goal was so important but also afterwards there wasn't that clarity of where i go
00:31:01
next yeah that was a bit of a deeper drop into that space of what's this all
00:31:07
about and how does that feel in detail that you describe it as a deeper drop just just a a sense of confusion and
00:31:15
sort of bewilderment with the idea that there was a promise here
00:31:21
there was a promise albeit one i've made to myself but it's such a deep such a strong one
00:31:26
and a well-defined one that said it's gonna happen i've worked hard for this i've done all
00:31:32
i was asked i've done all i asked myself to do again i keep sort of you know
00:31:38
i can't abide by the idea that you know that there is this somehow this external i used to use the blame and the
00:31:45
sort of offset that responsibility and hand it over to something on the outside to say oh yeah that's why i'm feeling
00:31:51
this way but now you know it all comes from the inside but even so that promise felt strong it felt real it
00:31:56
felt um and that you feel a bit sort of cheated but also confused because
00:32:04
there is no one to blame there is nothing to grab there's nothing tangible that says the other stood there saying
00:32:09
you know well yeah i got you there tonight it's like where now what now and then there's also
00:32:15
a little bit of that extra confusion to say well what's the point of the next one the promise was that you'd receive
00:32:21
some kind of euphoric joy yeah and fulfillment and yeah it is the hollywood
00:32:26
ending but of course hollywood films have that
00:32:32
privilege of the credits coming up and and leaves you with your imagination and
00:32:37
your imagination it always just it's not in detail but you just think wow how great for them but of course
00:32:44
should that camera carry on for even another hour you get you get stomach in there and
00:32:50
yeah that's all it took after the world cup final you know we went to a private party and you start
00:32:56
thinking oh we'll go there and have a chance to chat that's going to be great when you get there it's oh these people you know that this isn't
00:33:02
private why they're letting you know i can't even get here to see there's no space you know it's already in it's going and
00:33:10
but i think yeah waking up the next morning's a big one that night's sleep
00:33:15
you know leaves you in the cold light of day when it's all you know you're looking
00:33:21
sort of at the the room and the hotel and it's a it's it's just as is
00:33:26
and it's it's not shining you know said this before a few times i've spoken there aren't people waiting outside the
00:33:31
door willing to you know hoist you on their shoulders and carry down to breakfast where you've got your own special table it just
00:33:39
it is but it's so powerfully kind of beautiful in that way in the way that it allows you to
00:33:46
at some point understand that there's also a really great reason for why you feel that way because it's just
00:33:53
it's a it's a pointer to there's a disconnect here it's nothing to do with what's going on
00:33:59
the outside it's just there's a misunderstanding here and an opportunity but that opportunity as
00:34:06
you said how do you move on to the next one it involves some vulnerability because
00:34:13
you can't walk in the shoes of the same identity but head in that other direction the
00:34:18
identity is the direction you're heading in you need you know a new identity a more spacious one a
00:34:25
more open one but that's vulnerability that's you know to to do that you have to
00:34:30
shed those those solid lines you've drawn up which have kept you
00:34:35
safe and given you your your standoutness to others they can see you because
00:34:41
you're drawing yourself in solid lines you can say this is who i am and you talk about yourself in that way and it
00:34:46
feels like that's purpose and that's that's kind of meaning and worth
00:34:51
but it's it's asking you to let that go and that's humiliation as we're talking about it's a humbling journey
00:34:57
and it's vulnerability and i wasn't ready for it at that time definitely not what also didn't help was the the game
00:35:02
after that i first played after that for my club was two weeks later and in that game
00:35:08
i crossed the line on a neck injury it'd been building for a long long time over years and in that game it probably
00:35:15
went and i spent the next couple of months without being able to move my arm and then surgery and all this talk about you may
00:35:20
never come back and of course you've gone from this is what i do this is who i am to i
00:35:25
don't really know what's going on anymore and now i can't even do what i do so i can't even be those solid lines
00:35:31
i can't present anymore now i'm watching other people do it so it's an amazing
00:35:36
coming together of circumstance to really point you and say hey
00:35:42
what do you think should we have a look at something else that's like nah so i was i was on the exercise bike the day after my neck
00:35:48
operation with a neck brace on my brother came in and saw me we were living together saw me and sort of said what are you doing
00:35:56
and it's the need i've got to get back to where i was and this is such a powerful
00:36:01
thought is that we want growth you want progress you want to advance and to explore and find
00:36:08
new things and yet the way i was going to do that was going back that's how i was going to find new stuff
00:36:14
i have to get back to who i was and how i was and yet deep inside me what i wanted was
00:36:20
and what i began my journey was i want to find out what i'm capable of what i was actually saying in this moment was
00:36:26
i want to go back to what i've had to where i've been that was a big big moment i just wasn't
00:36:32
quite ready to listen to it and as soon as you do get back which i did for a little bit before getting injured again and again and again which was the stress
00:36:38
of all that that need and obsession it's enough
00:36:43
because just enough of the old habits and the triggers come in with people around you saying oh you're doing great
00:36:49
so good to have you back in it i'm back but of course
00:36:54
it just it's just enough to hold you off making that that step in the other direction
00:37:00
and uh yeah that came about later on i i resonate so much with that and my my
00:37:06
moment of i guess which is analogous to your moment of being injured and being trying to be back on the bike was when i resigned from my company i kind of
00:37:13
looked at it and fell into the belief that if i spend the rest of my life living out these labels that i've earned
00:37:18
through my accomplishments social media ceo or like entrepreneur or whatever um
00:37:23
i would likely end up abandoning my true self and probably end up in like some kind of mid-life crisis so at that point
00:37:30
as i write about my book my objective became okay if i had no labels who would who would i be and trying to really live
00:37:35
a life free from my confining identity and be free to be the full expression of myself
00:37:41
is the journey i find myself in now is that what you mean when you say um you were trying to get to the point of
00:37:47
understanding um all you can be is that what you're describing there
00:37:53
i i think what comes to mind when you're saying that for me was and it's also another way of
00:37:58
looking at the identity thing i think you're speaking about is that
00:38:04
the more i've released those boundaries of identity the more creative i've become
00:38:09
and there's nothing more creative than being in that zone as i say when those boundaries are gone you're so creative
00:38:15
that you suddenly see things and you put you join dots together in ways that you can't imagine they could ever have been and yet it's so easy it's
00:38:22
so effortless creativity is an is an effortless
00:38:27
kind of capacity that we have it's not one that needs trying to be involved when you're becoming creative you don't
00:38:32
try to be creative that's the whole point of not being creative is you allow and you explore and what comes out
00:38:39
is surely more of what's really who we are and i think the thing for me and
00:38:45
that was that as a child i had that i had that creative ability
00:38:50
and what i did was i embraced and i celebrated my creativity
00:38:55
as i got older what i did was i held on to my creation and that was another way
00:39:01
of saying identity so as i began to attach myself to what it was i was creating instead of
00:39:07
exploring the creativity and the process there i formed the identity because it
00:39:12
was the identity is look at what i create you can't have an identity as a
00:39:18
creator because then it's still look at what i create i'm a creator but to have no identity i think in that respect to
00:39:25
be nothing on the inside as they say is to be everything on the outside allows you to to create and therefore
00:39:32
such a real interesting moniker or marker rather for me is
00:39:37
how creative do i feel right now and to set the
00:39:43
environmental conditions internally for creativity
00:39:48
effortlessness relaxation excitement passion and ultimately
00:39:54
on the spiritual level worthiness and i think that you know when i say
00:40:01
about for me that's been where it's changed because you you can't be fully creative
00:40:08
and insist upon the creation how it's going to turn out
00:40:13
and needing that guarantee that's control i'm going to be so creative as long as it turns out like this
00:40:18
so you're not going to allow it to go anywhere new you're not creating anything you're almost you've got a
00:40:23
blueprint you're you're organizing and i didn't after a while i think i
00:40:29
realized i didn't want to organize and manage my talent i wanted to celebrate it and like you said be all you can be i
00:40:34
want to see where it can go i want to and all i can be means going beyond
00:40:41
identity the best i can be means within my identity the best ever is within a very small
00:40:46
identity you want to be the best ever that's a very small identity and you went through those three phases right you write about
00:40:53
the first phase was you wanted to be the best ever then you wanted to be the second one was your best i can be the best you can be and the third is you
00:40:59
want to be which is where you find yourself now all you can do yeah it just determines the strength of the idea or opinion behind it i want to be the best
00:41:06
ever is a very strong idea this is there are some game right yeah yeah and that's hugely massive comparison massive
00:41:12
competition massive measuring up massive dependence upon other people's views yeah how do you know you're the best
00:41:18
ever because someone says i do right i'm going to work on you i'm not going to work on myself i'm going to work on your
00:41:23
opinion um the second one the best i can be is is an idea still what's my best well i
00:41:29
was good then so it needs to be that but a bit more okay it's still a strong idea you're still limiting yourself all i can
00:41:35
be is looking at the eye not looking at the rugby player
00:41:41
you know because the best i can be is okay i'm gonna be the best father i'm gonna be the best and these are all
00:41:46
great pursuits but they still don't match up to what about just
00:41:52
this being how how how much can i be in terms of how can i
00:41:57
explore my being the best i can be still just shifts over to doing
00:42:03
the best ever is all about doing it's all about physicality best i can be a bit less all i can be drops the
00:42:10
physical and that's where creativity comes in you know being creative physically means moving stuff around
00:42:17
being creative which is effort but being really creative means you can sit
00:42:22
and just be and that's where i think all the all the opportunities quick one as the seasons have begun to
00:42:28
change so has my diet and um right now i'm just going to be completely honest with you i'm starting to think a lot about
00:42:35
slimming down a little bit because over the last couple of probably the last four or five months my diet has been
00:42:40
pretty bad um and it started to show a little bit really over the last two months i go to the gym about 80 percent
00:42:46
of the time so i track it with 10 of my friends in a whatsapp group and this tracker online that we all use together
00:42:51
we call it fitness blockchain and i'm currently at 81 percent um so 81 of the days i've done a workout
00:42:59
in the last 150 days right so i'm going to the gym about six times a week
00:43:05
that's been a little bit impacted by the derivatio live tour but i'm trying to stick to it and so one of the things i'm doing now
00:43:10
to reduce my calorie intake and trying to get back to being nutritionally complete and all i eat is i'm having the
00:43:17
heel protein shake thank you hill for making a product that i actually like the salted caramel is my favorite i've got the banana one here which is the one
00:43:23
my girlfriend likes but for me salted caramel is the one
00:43:29
there'll be people listening to this that are you know they left university they went to school and now they're a
00:43:34
lawyer and they've been a lawyer for 15 years or they might be i don't know a dentist now they've been a dentist for
00:43:40
20 years and a lot of the time when i speak to these people there's this other voice inside them that's been suppressed over time
00:43:46
which is probably all they can be and they've got really consumed in this identity which they're like parents wanted them to adopt of being a doctor
00:43:53
or a lawyer whatever it might be um it when i speak to these people they are
00:43:59
seemingly trapped by something and um that that force that's trapping them
00:44:04
seems to be so much stronger than the other voice which is which they sometimes can even point to as being a more fulfilling life which is i guess
00:44:11
all they can be they want to go and be an artist they speak to me before my show they show me their instagram and they're the most unbelievable artist
00:44:17
i've ever seen in my life and they their face lights up when they talk about that thing but when i ask them what they do they say yeah i work in the city i work
00:44:23
in finance for like kpmg or something and you can see the dread in their face how does someone start the journey and i
00:44:29
think you alluded to vulnerability there but how does someone start the journey of going from that place of you know confinement and identity and
00:44:36
i am this thing that i've earned through my achievements to being all i can be in a practical way what's how does that
00:44:41
change i think that voice that inner calling as you just said is is passion and
00:44:47
excitement versus the duty and the need and the fulfilling the the roles
00:44:54
if you like of society and i think therefore for me the way that works is that
00:45:02
you you add to the passion excitement
00:45:08
constantly and allow that to look after your deepest intention which is always i
00:45:14
want to spend i think all my time fully present which means
00:45:19
doing what i love doing being who i feel like i'm meant to be as much as that will keep evolving and
00:45:24
changing so therefore it comes down to following your highest passion and
00:45:30
excitement in every moment and people might argue straight away well how can i do that if i've got to be
00:45:35
at work at seven in the morning and i've got to do this and i've got to go and traipse across town to get here yes but within
00:45:43
the boundaries of what you have to do what's your highest excitement follow that so you know i've got to drive
00:45:48
across here and it's going to take me two hours and but then when you're in the car
00:45:54
tune in to what's my highest passion excitement i love this podcast okay go that's it i really want to listen i've
00:46:00
got that my hands free i'm going to phone so-and-so because i just thought of them and i really want to chat to them follow that
00:46:06
intuitive instinctive impulsive side that comes from what you want
00:46:12
and when that gains momentum i think
00:46:17
the way it works is that the universe responds by providing more and more opportunities to do more and
00:46:24
more of what you like so that you your highest impassioned excitement the environment allows for you to really
00:46:30
do more and more what you really love doing but you've got to start the ball rolling by saying right within this moment right now
00:46:36
how can i what's my highest passion excitement how can i be
00:46:42
how can i bring more of me into this as opposed to allow this to
00:46:47
take away more of me and i think that is a journey that just
00:46:52
looks after itself you know it's on a physical level it's the do what you the little things you can do set goals and
00:46:59
allow them to you know what you focus on what you can do and allow it to expand and
00:47:04
and grow into the most amazing things it's the same way of just doing that on
00:47:09
an internal level it's just follow your heart and it might be physical it might just be things i love thinking about
00:47:15
it's it even if it comes down to to being you know you're you're stuck in a lift and you're kind of like and it's
00:47:22
a tiny lift and you're going to be there for maybe for a while okay but
00:47:27
people talk about going to a happy place but that's what's my highest passionate excitement oh what i love to be doing
00:47:32
now paint it picture it think of it dream it feel it all those kind of things all these things are amazing things to be doing
00:47:40
and if you're following your highest passion if you're enjoying and embracing this moment i spoke to someone recently
00:47:45
saying that you know to know you're on track for your future manifestations of your dreams
00:47:51
the indicator is often how deeply are you embracing and enjoying this moment
00:47:56
now and once you find yourself loving this moment it's amazing how much things just
00:48:01
fall into place for you and i think that's the key to is to be able to say whatever it is whatever you
00:48:07
can do do it and bring it to this and i think
00:48:12
that voice that says oh i can't do this i can't do that it's not possible i
00:48:17
shouldn't do this or it's not right is another way of saying i i can't be me
00:48:23
it's so interesting because when you were saying that i was thinking about the former version of myself at 18 living in manchester and most side where
00:48:29
you know i i was very very i had nothing and i was shoplifting as i've talked about a million times food to feed myself but in that moment i was although
00:48:37
i was working in call centers at night night shifts i was so unbelievably excited by life because i was also
00:48:44
designing my website in my designing my future business in my lunch time in my breaks of that call center
00:48:49
um and people i've said this for years and i don't think people believed me but i i've said i was as happy then as i am
00:48:56
now that kid was so optimistic and so happy even though he was he had no money
00:49:02
and he was working night shifts in a call center um and i appea and it sounds so privileged like obviously because of
00:49:08
money now whatever but um it resonated with so much of you are saying then i think it's because of what you were saying then was i was still
00:49:14
pursuing my highest passion despite the fact that i was working in this call center i was not occupying all of my time and my thoughts that i could with
00:49:21
that future and that's what i believe manifested me being here because i could have made the decision
00:49:28
um that this was my destination and my forever and i'd probably still be there now now in most side yeah i i definitely
00:49:34
agree the idea about following your highest passion there is a passion i think deep down is
00:49:41
for expressing who you are and there's no doubt for me that rugby for that period of my life
00:49:48
was what i was meant to do that's how i was supposed to play out that was that was what i was supposed to be at
00:49:53
that time um but then your passion changes slightly
00:50:00
and to be able to leave the rugby and follow that passion often i think people say you know it's
00:50:06
really difficult to find my next passion but i think having that
00:50:11
that kind of ability to to leave behind what's been is what allows passion for what can be
00:50:18
and i think like we were saying before about wanting to you finish your rugby and then you think i'll go straight into
00:50:24
coaching because it's close enough and people still know me and i thought but actually to have that period of
00:50:32
not just after an end of a career but daily to have that quiet period every
00:50:38
day where you just sit not with not with ideas i'm going to think about this or i need to plan this or i need to
00:50:43
work out what my passion is but just sit and just disconnect from that pull of the external eyes
00:50:50
closed and just watch but of course away comes in as am i doing this right
00:50:55
what should be happening should i be feeling something i haven't had any ideas it's been two weeks and but just do it
00:51:01
just do it in in the name of moving to your potential because we were so willing to
00:51:08
to give to our limits look at how many years we spend suffering and telling ourselves certain things that have come
00:51:15
from old ideas that no longer serve us we're willing to give all our time to those but people are still alive it's too hard
00:51:21
to find 10 minutes to sit on an evening what am i going to do when actually you know you have that
00:51:26
moment where you're sat watching something on tv and it's not really interesting and you're kind of like
00:51:32
that's time there but once that ball gets rolling when your passion centers
00:51:37
around something and everything comes out of that same passion so it's all aligned it's all kind of focused energy
00:51:45
that's gonna manifest there's no doubt you know like i'm sure at some level there's no way you get to where you are
00:51:51
now without there being that drive now i had that in the rugby
00:51:57
and a lot of it was a sort of conflict and it stressed them
00:52:02
out of me but it was so damn strong that it had to win because i wouldn't let it not win i just
00:52:09
didn't do it in a way that was enjoyable same and now i think when you release the
00:52:14
conflict you get even more flow you get an effortless version of what i've done through efforting
00:52:20
i've efforted heavily yeah i heard that word recently i really like it i much prefer it than tried or given so much
00:52:27
but i've really made it a sort of an effort version of how to get to the
00:52:33
top and what that means is when i look back it's like how was it i never smelt the roses that's what most people say yeah because there's another way to do
00:52:40
it and maybe that's how this has come out for you versus the first i don't know you know like these projects for me the
00:52:46
next things i'm doing seem to just kind of oh yeah there it is that's interesting whereas before it was oh god
00:52:52
get out of there don't you dare whatever it is i think that just comes from at some point just saying well okay this is what
00:52:59
i've got acceptance and then what do i want to do right now what's my
00:53:06
next step responsibility and you can't get to that passion without the acceptance and the acceptance is
00:53:12
this is what i've got this is where i'm meant to be this is how things are and once i come to ease with that then
00:53:18
suddenly there is that well i can start to feel what it is i want to do next yeah but while there's that resistance
00:53:24
to this it shouldn't be this way and should i be doing this or i'm elsewhere future past
00:53:29
passion and excitement are kind of like look whilst you're trying to survive we're not relevant to you you know someone in survival isn't
00:53:35
really interested in passion excitement and i was in survival most of my career hence why i keep saying about my career
00:53:40
you know the passion and excitement died away not because i lost i fell out of love with rugby at all not
00:53:47
at all just purely that i was in survival mode more and more and more and the more i went into it the less relevant
00:53:52
creativity growth love connection with teammates excitement passion joy it's just not relevant to
00:53:59
that you nailed it when you described me as well with that when you said um the drive that i had that was really strong
00:54:05
was actually upon reflection just deep insecurity yeah still a big drive there it's still a big driving drive hard to
00:54:11
shake when you think about winning the world cup and you said that was the goal was that really your your
00:54:17
goal yeah it's in i think having later that insecurity is often for me
00:54:23
just comes down to the opposite of trust it's distrust in yourself or whatever but when there's a different trust about it
00:54:30
that acceptance i'm speaking about is all-encompassing that it
00:54:35
it when you accept now it is a full acceptance of all that's been now is is yeah if you accept this then
00:54:42
everything from a physical perspective that's brought to here also sort of is accepted
00:54:48
and therefore for me it was my goal because deep down my
00:54:54
inner calling was i want to be free i want to be happy and i i want this and so
00:55:01
according to the energy i was in these were the cooperative components when a world cup why so you can see that
00:55:07
that's not quite where you need to be going all right have some injuries why so you
00:55:12
can go through your own learning at the speed that you're choosing you can't go any faster than you're
00:55:18
ready for you can't go any slower it is simply as it is and as you explore i think
00:55:23
it kind of as you start to expand it the expansion takes place i think quicker once you get going i think more
00:55:30
revelations come and it kind of opens up harder or faster but the the point for me being
00:55:35
that that trust is just it may have taken
00:55:41
40 years to get to this point from a but from an experiential level i don't feel 40 years has gone into this
00:55:49
it's been instantaneous because it's just memory it's not 40 years
00:55:54
so i kind of love the idea of people confusing the past with memory
00:56:00
when it's memory and you start to realize its memory and you start to realize that you have a say in the emotional
00:56:06
involvement in that memory you can release it from those memories that you can play with your past
00:56:14
whereas people have a fixed idea of past and yet they want a different future it's like like a railroad track
00:56:20
you know that has a certain piece that's slightly curved and the train is going along and reaches back from the previous
00:56:26
piece and sticks in front because these are my understandings about how life is this is how it's going to be and so you end up just going round and round and
00:56:32
round in circles instead of the classic cycle breaker which is that random different piece and
00:56:38
sometimes it's a big shock or a trauma for people the way you kind of get a piece that's like completely different
00:56:45
direction suddenly you head off into the unknown and people have those amazing experiences but sometimes it's just a
00:56:50
piece which is slightly less curved and that's what those moments were for me you know that different understanding
00:56:56
of like hold on i thought there was going to be joy here i was convinced there isn't and suddenly that cycle
00:57:01
break in your thinking just enough to change the piece a bit and you head here and you widen your circle and eventually
00:57:07
you start to be in control a little bit more of how you're going to see each event so you can start to best you can shape
00:57:13
those pieces to send you into the unknown which is why i didn't want to go before you know that's the
00:57:18
the the unknown was the threat the unknown was the was the potential slip up we're talking about was that kind of
00:57:24
shady space where you're not in control anymore whereas now the unknown is like well if you want potential you want to
00:57:30
see what life is it's unknown and the more unknown you see yourself the more you align with
00:57:36
life less ideas i have the more unknown i am the more i align with life the more that i start to
00:57:42
to get that that's i think that more instantaneous response we're talking about instead of
00:57:47
it taking 40 years you know for me it's kind of over that 40 years it's been
00:57:53
sort of expanding out but over the last 15 it's been quicker over the last five
00:58:00
much quicker and over the last one much much quicker this
00:58:06
the vulnerability is an interesting word because it assumes it makes you feel a certain way but this this truth and this
00:58:11
openness that you speak um which is kind of marks the way you speak
00:58:17
now this kind of i'm willing to tell you all about myself in terms of how i feel and what i'm thinking
00:58:22
and i'm willing again this is an assumption i don't care as much about what you think of me based
00:58:28
on what i'm sharing now whether it's about your mental health or about how you're feeling which again are things that men don't typically do especially
00:58:34
you know leaders in sport right what impact has stepping into your truth and being open and like free from
00:58:42
caring too much about what others might think of you because you're so open about your mental health and other
00:58:48
things what impact has that had on your life i think it's the openness is is
00:58:54
is not um a conscious decision i'm not coming in saying i'm
00:59:00
now going to be so open about it the same way that i might have been unconsciously closed before you know
00:59:06
still kind of not speaking about stuff not because i'm sitting there thinking i'm not talking about this but because
00:59:12
that feeling says this is where i want to stay within the boundaries of this on the conversation
00:59:17
and now the boundaries are wider not because it's not now a narrow boundary of all i ever talk about is how my suffering is
00:59:24
kind of like but you talk about i guess what's relevant to the moment to the conversation
00:59:30
and it's inspired rather than um pre-planned
00:59:36
i like i said to you before i think i used to be a big one for preparation um so coming into this you know i tried to
00:59:42
think what i'd have been like when i was 21 but i'd i'd have been you know out there with with my sort of agent or with
00:59:49
my my dad or my mum or something and i've been waiting to come in and be like yeah and they'd be like it's going to go
00:59:54
fine don't worry it's going to go fine but yeah it is just make sure you i'm going to talk about that and i might talk about that story if you ask me
01:00:00
about that it's planned on the basis of i'm trying to achieve an outcome from this
01:00:07
but when it become which again is that whole kind of like what i create what i actually create
01:00:14
defines who i am so what i'm going to create from this will define who i am so i need to make sure it's how i want it to be
01:00:20
all based on this idea of who i am but without the idea i think
01:00:26
i speak according to the situation not according to my
01:00:31
identity and i listen according to what's maybe more of what's really being meant than what's being said and again
01:00:39
it it's this i guess it's this different more
01:00:45
less solid idea of who you are that just suddenly opens up the understanding of what really listening is and being there is i
01:00:51
mean being there for someone is such a amazing phrase when you really look at it to be there for someone
01:00:58
it means fully being now if you people are saying about how what's the best thing to do if someone's
01:01:04
struggling is like just be there for them okay but you mean like just physically stand there and be loving and but all if all of this
01:01:11
is an effort it's designed to get an outcome but it's to get an outcome for someone
01:01:17
else you must have to know what's right for them and now you're deciding
01:01:22
and limiting them but if you want to be all you can be you you can allow others to be all they can be you can allow a
01:01:28
situation to be all it can be and i think that kind of for me has been you know the the
01:01:34
one of the biggest openings and an example i'd say was i spoke to a young
01:01:40
football player a while back maybe sort of 15 16 years old and someone said would
01:01:46
you mind just having a chat and i said yeah of course i'd love to you know you get that inspirational sort
01:01:53
of feel immediately that yeah this is one of those cooperative manifested moments of there's something
01:02:00
that i've i've called for and this has been offered and i think i'm going to explore
01:02:06
this you know because it feels right that it's in my path and we had a chat and
01:02:12
midway through the chat it came to me in quite a sort of emotionally sort of i guess intense way
01:02:19
i suddenly realized that i wasn't talking to this person
01:02:24
as if i was 40 they were 15. as if they were a young soccer player i
01:02:30
was an ex-rugby player i suddenly realized that i was exchanging on a level here where
01:02:35
it was energy form to energy form not age relevant at all not even
01:02:41
defined simply that i was performing a role of serving and being served at the same time
01:02:48
according to allowing and letting it be whereas before it would have been okay right
01:02:53
before the call you kind of put on your mentor shirt you know going to be a mentor now and um you know
01:03:01
but a talk like this and give it the whole kind of yeah well i guess if you're going to play sport you know all this son of stuff but instead you phone
01:03:06
up and suddenly i realized i'd lost that idea of the difference between people and people talk about it from you know age gender
01:03:14
all these kind of things you know religion race everything and you sort of think we're all trying to do that
01:03:20
by listening to the right thing to do and what people should say and how you should speak but it's all the answers
01:03:26
are in your own journey to releasing all your sort of self-discriminations and
01:03:32
judgments that then it just becomes so easy and obvious but so joyful and such a
01:03:40
a true exchange according to what's really being asked for rather than two people playing a game on the surface of
01:03:47
playing our roles and seeing what we can get from each other it's two people sharing what's really being asked for
01:03:53
and i sort of feel like if you like for me from that perspective that's the first time i've
01:03:59
i've kind of understood what it is to really care for someone is to completely let go of
01:04:05
your own ideas of them and in order to do that you have to let go of yours about you
01:04:11
and i think that's the selfless side of it it's funny that expression you know it's selfless you remove yourself and
01:04:17
you can be selfless and just being able to sit there and listen and be fascinated by someone
01:04:24
has been a really i think a big big moment in that and that that kind of yeah it's been a
01:04:30
that's been a nice change that moment for me was one where i suddenly realized you know that i've been playing a game
01:04:36
for so long according again to that identity what i need from this how it's going to look you know i i'm using people i don't mean
01:04:43
necessarily on on that whole kind of exploitative you know i guess in a way it is but you're kind of using them to get them to
01:04:50
feel a certain way about you you're using them to to say what you need them to say for you
01:04:56
to fill that space and once that goes relationships i think take on a whole new level
01:05:01
interesting you're essentially using them to confirm the the identity to fill the whole yeah makes me feel like i'm
01:05:07
your mentor yeah yeah exactly yeah yeah so you know i need at the end of it i
01:05:13
need you i need that kind of like thanks so much for your time yeah i can't believe you're doing this and i need that backup call that comes when the
01:05:20
person introduced you says oh they're over the moon they're so chuffed you spoke to you've changed your life forever
01:05:25
you need that because that's what i'm yeah because without that am i doing a good job but once that goes is to be like but i'm
01:05:31
doing what i was supposed to be doing when i when i look over your story one of the the threads that goes through it
01:05:37
even up until today because i i read that you were thinking over in the process of starting a mental foundation is the story of mental health something
01:05:44
that has become a greater discussed topic in our generation specifically around because there's a lot of men that
01:05:49
are arriving at the unfortunate decision that the only way out is to to end their lives and it's the now the big biggest
01:05:55
single killer of men under the age of 45 in our country your mental health journey um
01:06:01
twists and turns it seems i remember vividly reading that you you're in your hotel room and you're playing days
01:06:07
looking at the tv and it's basically just lights because your head is overthinking at an unbelievable rate and
01:06:12
it sounds it sounds somewhat and i'm not familiar with the medical definition of a panic attack or anxiety but it sounds somewhat like
01:06:19
that um have you ever experienced depression in your life about a period where
01:06:25
and again i'm i'm not a doctor but where you feel a sustained low
01:06:30
and that would be clinically described as depression yeah but they'll always go together
01:06:37
yeah because for me they do because you have that sense of panic and anxiety
01:06:42
um which for me has always been around sort of finding these
01:06:47
these insurmountable issues throughout my life what seems to be the insurmountable which is basically saying according to how i've
01:06:54
positioned my view of life this is now insurmountable according to my belief system this means this is an
01:07:01
issue and we can't pass each other and
01:07:06
the fear then kicks in the lack of control the the panic kicks in which again that hysterical nature of
01:07:12
it you know it tells me that it's you know it's not rational to the to the moment you know i don't talk about there's no
01:07:18
threat here but if i'm having that threat i know it's it's coming from something deeper but the fact that it's
01:07:23
insurmountable the fact or it appears so and the fact that before i wouldn't have
01:07:30
seen changing your energy otherwise known as changing your identity i guess in a way or removing
01:07:35
your identity i wouldn't have seen that as an opportunity so therefore you're stuck in that insurmountable space
01:07:42
and that's where the depression kicks in what's the point what's the point this is me now
01:07:48
i can't live with i can't live without this i'm stuck the needle is right in
01:07:54
the middle and every time i try and move it one way to get some clarity
01:07:59
once it goes that way i panic it has to come back i don't want it to go that way so i bring it to the middle and then i
01:08:05
try and work it the other way and it's like i don't want it to go that way and it's this classic two voices you mentioned
01:08:12
which is this call for happiness and this call for joy and and freedom
01:08:18
and all that the stuff which just blossoms out over and over again in ways
01:08:23
that beyond belief but another voice that says i don't want that
01:08:29
i want it so much and i don't want it at the same time and the don't want it voices
01:08:34
the ident this is who i am i think i am and i want to save this whilst having that those are the two voices
01:08:41
and when you're locked into that i want to save this
01:08:46
i want that becomes i can never have it this is all i've got and right now
01:08:53
if this is me you know what's the point but understanding for me that those two it's
01:08:59
those two voices that i'm working with not external truths
01:09:05
you know external situations and and they're not this is the way the world is and unfortunately therefore this is ways
01:09:11
that's the voice that comes from old ideas and understanding you're working with old ideas and old ideas represent that
01:09:18
energy state or shape it that when you start to realize well hold on on an energy level if i just trust i keep
01:09:25
working with my energy and i trust as long as it takes i'm gonna work on it that's it without this idea that
01:09:32
you know this idea of how and when it should sort itself out well you know i heard that person talking about getting
01:09:38
some revelations and i haven't had any yet but i should have any some after two weeks oh it hasn't been i'm not getting any i
01:09:44
can't even you know it's like no just leave it open-ended and
01:09:49
you know if people go to the gym sometimes when they don't really want to it's kind of like well
01:09:55
why not just sit quietly for 10 minutes when you don't really want to but just do it anyway
01:10:00
just do it and just say okay i'll see it's a bit like the
01:10:06
they're looking in the mirror when you're going to the gym you know over day after day you don't see it someone else says hi yeah what's happening there
01:10:11
you kind of i've been going to the gym it's like all right i haven't really seen it it's the same as sitting quietly it feels like nothing's happening but
01:10:19
it is quick one as we all know energy independence and living a little greener
01:10:24
has never been more important for a better future it's a journey i've been on over the last couple of years that i've shared with you sporadically ever
01:10:31
since i sold my range rover sport and bought an electric bicycle and there's a lot of people out there that listen to
01:10:37
this podcast that are looking to make that sustainable switch in the things that run their daily life
01:10:43
whether it's their home their car their vehicles whatever it might be so when a good friend of mine at a company called
01:10:48
my energy called jordan told me she was interested in sponsoring this podcast i
01:10:53
jumped at the opportunity so for those of you that don't know my energy are a uk renewable energy brand whose mission
01:11:00
is to increase the usage of green energy helping people like you and i to save time and money when it comes to making
01:11:05
sustainable switches in our lives so if this resonates with you and you're the type of person that's been looking or thinking about going on your own
01:11:12
sustainability journey i highly recommend checking them out at myenergy.com
01:11:18
patrice everest here manchester united football legend left back um
01:11:23
and he said that one of the questions that really changed his life was one day when his girlfriend turned to him and said
01:11:29
patrice are you happy and when he was asked that question and i remember when i was asked that
01:11:34
question because my girlfriend at the time asked me when i was driving home in my car back to my house after work and she
01:11:40
turned to me and said are you happy and it was it made me feel uncomfortable okay and patrice described a similar
01:11:45
thing like he kind of snapped back at her of course i'm happy but then she persisted and this kind of was a really
01:11:51
a real turning point in his life where he eventually admitted to to being molested when he was in school
01:11:56
something he'd never told anybody and he couldn't have never confronted and that set him off on the journey of understanding himself in truth and
01:12:02
finding a way to not be this tough guy anymore and to be compassionate and loving and
01:12:07
to be all he could be right um are you happy
01:12:13
it's a i was just thinking that whilst you were i presumed you were gonna i took the long way around that yeah
01:12:20
i think i think happiness
01:12:26
when you're asked it that way is is a bit of a destination yes or no isn't it it's like a yes or no it's kind of like
01:12:32
you know what i like to see it maybe in terms of
01:12:39
am i grateful to be alive and i think yeah am i full of gratitude
01:12:46
is my way of looking at it am i um am i in touch with that
01:12:53
that sense of of just being yes so
01:13:00
so pleased that i'm i'm having this opportunity of life and yeah definitely
01:13:07
and i wonder sometimes even in my darkest moments if you kind of go you know this is part of that journey
01:13:14
as well and in a way when i look back it's more so much more difficult at the time i mean
01:13:19
almost impossible when i look back am i pleased and grateful for that it's like yes i am because it always turns out
01:13:26
that it's the answer to a deeper connection and i feel like yes am i happy
01:13:33
i'm grateful to be alive and i don't want to change a thing and i think that's kind of for me would
01:13:40
i change anything i don't want and i think that's a sign you know i feel like as was underneath so much of
01:13:47
the the the rugby stuff the achievement stuff the savior stuff the warrior stuff the
01:13:55
mata stuff it was always a case of i'm not enough so i need to earn it from
01:14:01
other people from outcomes from life or whatever and i think that question is
01:14:07
are you happy is like do you realize you know that you're enough do you feel
01:14:13
that you're worthy and deserving of being here and i think that's the connection to
01:14:19
to everything and i think maybe that's the answer all this energy change stuff we're talking about or
01:14:24
or old ideas or it's really comes down to recognizing that
01:14:29
you know are you are you aware of just how well you are that this whole universe is
01:14:36
is answering to you with these experiences you know the whatever's happened
01:14:43
this morning and whatever's happened on my journey here and meeting you it's all been put in my path
01:14:48
for me the same way it is for everyone it's like i miss i heard another expression a while back
01:14:54
saying that um we're so important with that without you the universe couldn't be all
01:15:01
that it could be it would just be some of what it could be and and therefore it couldn't exist
01:15:08
that's how important we all are we're here because we're supposed to be here and what's great is that you know that
01:15:15
finding out your your passion your your your joy and your true minis is not something you need to worry about just
01:15:22
something you need to allow out and know that all these events are pointing you i think pointing us all
01:15:27
towards all we can be if we're willing to listen but when we answer them try and stop them we're
01:15:32
basically saying no no i've found who i'm supposed to be and therefore i don't
01:15:38
need this but when i think we're willing to to look at what we've been given and say
01:15:44
well i must need this and maybe there's something asking for this deeper that knows way more than i do
01:15:51
so you know i'll step out the way for a bit and have a good old listen shelley
01:15:57
your wife yep what role has she played and
01:16:02
just having a partner through this this journey what role is that played in
01:16:08
you discovering and going on the journey of becoming all you can be i think it must be the same i don't know
01:16:14
for for all people i did hear eckhart tolle say that relationships
01:16:21
were the spiritual work for the west you know it's for these i don't know what the case is now but
01:16:26
yeah maybe it used to be sitting on hillsides but people sort of think i can't i can't do that because i've got my
01:16:32
responsibilities but it's like this is the work relationships are massive like that
01:16:38
and you know she's perfect in in every way because she's perfect as she is
01:16:43
um but also because she's she's exactly what i need
01:16:52
and that means when i get challenged i'm kind of like this is what i need and
01:16:57
it's yeah like i said it's it's when someone sort of provides that
01:17:02
opportunity for you to to sort of be more of you
01:17:08
on every level i think that's that's kind of gold dust and therefore i think you know i turn up and i don't
01:17:15
expect or or think she should be or any certain way um i need her to be exactly as she wants
01:17:23
to be and is because it's right for me and hopefully i'm being the same for her but um it's funny how we both
01:17:30
kind of growing in our own ways in our own directions i think because of each other and now
01:17:35
you know we've got someone else on that journey with us in our little world and and exactly the same relationship
01:17:41
i think the best thing is both of us neither of us are trying to
01:17:46
lead a change in the other we're both trying to sort of uncover
01:17:51
more about ourselves and that's doing everything in the working relationship as i said before you know working on
01:17:57
someone else really doesn't work for anyone but working on yourself tends to work for everyone and i know you have a uh
01:18:04
is it's like a kombucha-style drink right it's like uh what do they call those they call them so it's a living
01:18:09
drink feminine yeah it's number one living it's called one
01:18:15
living yeah and uh it's uh yeah it's a kombucha string we've got water kefirs which more fermented drinks we've got
01:18:21
all kinds of stuff on the on the uh on the market around yeah i was curious about that
01:18:27
because i'd seen this shift in your perspective of diet and nutrition throughout your life and i wondered if
01:18:32
there was any advice for for me based on the journey you've been on again this is maybe a bit selfish for me to ask but i know there's
01:18:38
other people who would think it because again when i was a young i guess i still am a young man but i was very much just
01:18:45
smashing well i still am smashing protein shakes trying to build my muscles and i'm really focusing on trying to have like a really good
01:18:51
looking body yeah whereas what you've said is that health is much more important and when i read that that
01:18:56
you'd made this distinction between health and fitness i kind of looked at it and i thought to myself what does he mean because i thought kind of health
01:19:02
and fitness was almost a similar thing yeah i think for start my brother's a fitness
01:19:07
conditioner we played together professionally up in the north and then um you know his his side has always been
01:19:13
the the fitness conditioning side so we have a really close relationship on that and he's exploring loads of this stuff
01:19:19
my wife was trained to become a nutritionist um so she was exploring all kinds of things in the the natural
01:19:25
sort of healing side of nutrition but also in nutrition as a whole and i was looking massively
01:19:31
into the mental emotional side of it so we all kind of crossed paths my wife and i especially on kombucha uh
01:19:38
and different cafes we started making them at home we were putting you know going blackberry picking putting them in a real kind of shift compared to being
01:19:45
in a changing room and unwrapping these kind of foil covered laboratory based
01:19:50
their bars have been constructed and and i think that was the difference for me is that
01:19:56
i spent my life being very fit but not really that healthy
01:20:01
and fitness is an interesting one i think everyone kind of realizes this to a degree is that
01:20:07
when aspirationally you you really push itself down a specific route physically
01:20:13
to adapt to be able to do a certain thing very very sort of fully you
01:20:20
you kind of you distance yourself slightly from the
01:20:26
hole if you it's a bit like sort of a mountain as you climb top more more to the mountain it gets a bit more isolated
01:20:32
up there and i think health is about what fitness can come
01:20:37
out of unless you look after health it's dangerous it's a dangerous balance i think to take you know you have to
01:20:44
look after health and then explore what your fitness can be rather than go after fitness thinking it's going to lead to health
01:20:49
it it doesn't you know the i work on this with my brother as well and in the um
01:20:55
in the stuff we we do with regard to the foundation we we speak about stuff and one of the
01:21:00
the areas we talk about is life fitness which is another way of talking about health which is about that
01:21:07
effortless flowing capacity to be so graceful in what you need to do
01:21:13
every day and not you know talking about the aspirational side you might see look i can bench press this and i can lift
01:21:19
this look at the state of me look i've got no body fat and this but it's kind of like okay let's see you get in and out of your car
01:21:25
you're like okay now what we're talking about here is a life fitness which has some balance in it now don't get me wrong i was one of those
01:21:31
guys that was rugby wise i couldn't bend down the idea that i would sort of have to
01:21:37
look under the sofa for something i'd be like i'm gonna have to live like take me about three minutes to get down and five to get back up
01:21:45
but there's a real grace to that balance
01:21:51
and if and you know you talk about strong men and and maybe a story of the
01:21:57
past but where strong men which told if you carry on like this you know this effort to become the world's
01:22:03
strongest man your life expectancy is probably not going to be much more than 45 and
01:22:08
people yeah okay i'll take that because of the the the the ambition the drive behind
01:22:14
what's behind that which is absolutely up to absolutely everyone but for me having finished rugby i i think i
01:22:20
understood just how far i'd ventured from health and and the living drink side with the
01:22:25
number one living stuff we do is is around the connected nature of yeah we're more bacteria than we are
01:22:30
cells and yet yeah we also live in a world where
01:22:36
there's a great deal of sterility at the moment so bacteria are kind of disappearing we're not getting outside so much digging our hands in the dirt um
01:22:43
on top of that um as antibiotics have found their way into all kinds of
01:22:48
different foods um and so you know we're finding ourselves short of these things and what they're finding out is that bacteria has a role in connecting the
01:22:54
body in ways we don't even know is that incredible and we're made of mostly of
01:23:00
it um and the the balance between all these kind of bacteria and even viruses and all kinds of things that going on us is
01:23:07
imperative to our intelligence and how we operate so that's been effort behind that but also trying to help us shift back
01:23:13
towards health so that we have this kind of genius way of living our life
01:23:20
so that we can involve ourselves fully in every moment rather than have that kind of oh i've got to do that
01:23:26
but it's fine because i'll go into the gym after but you know washing the dishes is a good one i use as a metaphor an idea for i once
01:23:35
got asked by athlete triathlete um about i was speaking to triathlete
01:23:41
and i said you know but you love doing a triathlon but you don't like washing the dishes but what's the deal with when you wash the dishes
01:23:47
what are you trying to do i'm just trying to wash the dishes or what are you trying to do when you're doing
01:23:53
triathlon well i'm sort of i've got a goal and i'm working move my body to get through that
01:23:59
to achieve a certain goal what are you doing when you're washing the dishes well there's a goal and i'm working my body through it to get to a goal it's
01:24:06
the same thing but there's an understanding that this i like and this i don't this i'm willing to do this i'm
01:24:12
unwilling to do this i'm willing to be joyful about and this therefore i've decided already is not
01:24:19
but to bring that kind of whole engagement to every moment is health
01:24:26
when you have certain things which are great and others which aren't that involvement now involvement or lack of
01:24:31
involvement is is for me is what fitness was you know as a rugby player training brilliant brilliant gym matches great
01:24:39
going for walks yeah not bad sitting around sitting quietly no chance
01:24:45
you know getting in and out of the car like i said terrible no way you know all these kind of things
01:24:50
and yet people say i wish i'd made more of my life wish i'd enjoyed every moment but that starts with health health of
01:24:57
physical mental emotional and exploring that and that first of all comes with
01:25:03
you know exploring the body and you know the classic would be
01:25:09
we sit now maybe sometimes for so long that we become very good at sitting
01:25:15
aspirationally we've become great sitters the same way we've become great rugby players or whatever it is so our bodies are
01:25:21
starting to shape towards that and they're forgetting everything we knew before
01:25:27
and now you find sometimes the best feeling you can get is by just stretching your arms back and going oh that feels nice
01:25:33
i've forgotten how nice that was yoga yeah exactly the danger is is that
01:25:38
we end up in a few years where we've lost it and it's to remind yourself that is
01:25:44
health whereas if you're doing one thing the whole time without reminding yourself of everything
01:25:49
you can do um everything you as we speak about identity wise you become so obsessed
01:25:55
with being this kind of person you forget that you're everything yeah but i'm being this something but you've got to
01:26:00
keep reminding yourself that you're everything otherwise you're going to lose your grounding and you're going to get lost in the small
01:26:06
and losing yeah you're going to get lost in the wave and you're going to lose sort of you your your
01:26:12
homeliness in the deep sea where it's all peace and you're you're every wave but as it is you know we're in that
01:26:18
individual thing and health and fitness is part of that movement and health is about
01:26:24
what you eat what you drink how you eat how you drink how you breathe how you move sleep recovery restfulness peace
01:26:31
it's it's an endless journey i think people think that health and what have you is about
01:26:36
not being overweight trying not to perish of anything before your time
01:26:41
um but you know and maybe hang on to being able to do some stuff when you're still reasonably young it's health is an
01:26:49
endless journey of just unending discovery or
01:26:54
if it's related to fitness it's looking good for others and feeling
01:27:00
attractive and and having to eat stuff that you don't like tastes horrible and wishing you could have this
01:27:06
and you know and getting to bed you know after as long as it's not too late after you finish your netflix series or
01:27:11
whatever johnny um a truly remarkable
01:27:18
conversation and it really highlights to me uh i was thinking that this guy should have a podcast and i reminded myself that you've just launched your
01:27:23
podcast which is called i am yeah and i also now understand why it's called i am just from this conversation
01:27:30
you know it's funny because i listened to some of your podcast episodes before you sat down and um you're interviewing
01:27:35
people i don't know why i'm saying this to you but when i was listening to it and i just thought i don't know why i said but i
01:27:41
feel compelled to say this i was i wanted you to talk more yeah because of everything i've
01:27:47
discovered from this conversation today and you're someone that's gone on a very introspective journey who has managed to
01:27:55
pull up those um pieces of the train track and send them in a
01:28:00
uncertain direction which most people haven't and you're discovering a lot on that journey which i think is so unbelievably valuable so when i listen
01:28:06
to your podcast i am i just wanted more of johnny um but it was a it's a really really brilliant podcast for i mean i
01:28:12
didn't need to i don't even need to just explain why having listened to this conversation today um
01:28:18
but yeah i just i've absolutely loved loved this conversation and uh you talk about a lot of the things that
01:28:23
i as a very kind of introspective person talk about people think we're weird right
01:28:28
yeah you do get that sometimes i think the best thing to be seen at the moment with the way that
01:28:35
society leans i think it's quite powerful to be seen as illogical
01:28:41
in your responses because everything's leaning towards stress and and winning and conquering
01:28:46
and achieving and and the reactivity and our stress has become a marker in workplaces you know
01:28:53
the more stressed you are the more important you must be and it's almost like worn as a badge you know kind of like check me out i'm i'm pushing it
01:29:00
you know i i might not be sort of my future life is uncertain because i'm really willing
01:29:07
to to sort of give so much to this whereas to be seen as illogical and a bit irrational in that area
01:29:14
um it's quite a strong place to be right now because of where
01:29:20
we are so you know when you're kind of i've said this before we used to have games rugby games where we'd lose
01:29:26
and i'd be sat there head down in the change room you know trying to run
01:29:32
this kind of thoughts through my head of like oh how you know it was against me it never works out and i've got to come
01:29:37
back stronger and you know what a wasted opportunity i'll never get this back and i'm a you know what a failure etc etc
01:29:43
what's this going to mean for me and then you see someone looking in the mirror putting their tie on he's already had a shower already out there tie on
01:29:50
and they're sort of like where are we off to tonight lads and of course society's voice or the changing room's voice or the team's
01:29:56
voices how dare you how dare you be thinking about how good life can be
01:30:02
how dare you respond according to your dreams and the life you wish to live come and
01:30:07
react according to the life that we want you to live can we react according to the life that you should be living one
01:30:13
way you sit here and show how much you care and how disappointed you are whereas in fact now when i look back i'm kind of i wish i'd been
01:30:19
looking in that mirror with that guy you know i wish i'd been out there earlier saying yeah well you know what i gave everything the learning's taking
01:30:26
place i don't need to sit here and and torture myself with this the learning has taken place because i've got some
01:30:32
gay great contrast i wanted this i got this it's only refined my view immediately of what what i want now even
01:30:39
more and it's given me some understandings of of what's working and what's not the fact that i'm going to
01:30:44
think about them isn't going to change those i've got them the question is as we said how the marker of whether they're on their
01:30:50
way depends upon how much i'm enjoying this moment and what do i want to be doing now i want to be out with the guys
01:30:56
or i want to be at home with my family but instead i'm going to sit in the chamber i'm going to be last to leave
01:31:02
and i'm not even going to go in the shower until the the ground's turning the lights off in the clubhouse i mean i'm going to be
01:31:08
last out to show you guys that i care and i'm hurting the most and it didn't mean a thing you know as
01:31:14
far as i'm concerned you know like i said it was part of a lesson i had to learn but i i think being seen as
01:31:20
irrational in that way as long as it's according to the life you wish to live and it's not about not
01:31:25
caring totally different things you know it's a beautiful space to be in i think
01:31:31
and you know what a what a beautiful place to end i am again this is why i'm so excited that you're now a podcaster
01:31:38
as well and i'm really excited to watch that journey play out and to see where that that journey leads you because it's
01:31:44
you never know with podcasting as i didn't i didn't know i'd be sat here doing this now but for many of the reasons you've described
01:31:49
about that kind of manifestation and just kind of asking myself um to to figure out who who i could become and
01:31:56
all that i am that's what's led me here today and it's you know there's a real serendipity to the fact that we're having this conversation that's led me
01:32:02
to meet you so thank you so much for your time thank you so much for being a um a very open book in all regards
01:32:08
because it's a very healing thing for many people who are yet to go on the journey you've gone on we do have a tradition on this podcast which is that
01:32:14
the last guest asks the next uh let's guest a question okay
01:32:21
um and this is a very interesting one because
01:32:27
i've read about your answer to this previously but i can't say who the guest is but their question for you all right
01:32:33
and they actually wrote a book about this that's what i will tell you their question to you is
01:32:40
what is your biggest regret
01:32:46
um yeah good one i don't it's it's it's a good i used to
01:32:52
spend all my time on these kind of things when i was younger and now i i just can't for the life of
01:32:58
me i can't find a place for regret it's understanding that
01:33:05
um for a start on a physical level if i went back to wherever i was as we've said before about other people
01:33:12
and inhabited that energy i see the world the same straight away i feel the way i do straight away i do
01:33:18
what i think what i think i do what i do i create what i create i can't do anything different it's
01:33:25
inevitable the now which includes everything that's come to the now it's inevitable
01:33:31
and to resist that is to and not accept that
01:33:38
is to continue reacting into the future and i think the continuing of reactivity
01:33:46
is what i'd regret now about my future i don't regret anything that's been but i
01:33:51
think sitting here now i'd be like it'd be a real shame if i just kept reacting for the rest of my life
01:33:57
what i say is but how nice would it be to to let inspiration decide my future
01:34:03
rather than my my regrets and all my old ideas and i think we mentioned about
01:34:09
that train track regret for me as a classic of reaching back and going more of the same place
01:34:15
and just planting your own and you know in that respect i think some people kind of spiritual people do this
01:34:21
they look into people's futures and kind of go let me just see how you are at the moment right if you have that going on i can pretty
01:34:27
much guarantee what you've got coming yeah but that's not what i want i want surprise and i can't have regrets and surprise i
01:34:34
can't have that kind of looking back i can't have such an idea about how it
01:34:40
should have been and then have freedom in the future if i want freedom in the future i've got to
01:34:46
free up the past and therefore you know regret has to has to take a bit of a sideline on the
01:34:52
bench amen thank you [Music]
01:35:03
oh [Music]
01:35:09
[Music]
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you