00:00:00
I don't think they knew the impact it was having but it was destroying me
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inside oh my God sorry I didn't expect for this to happen
00:00:10
um
00:00:16
what is up daddy gang [Music]
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the most listened to female podcasts in the world hundreds of millions of downloads every month why you I do
00:00:29
everything for my audience it's a very [ __ ] up industry to be a part of morally I don't know if I should be
00:00:35
saying this but it just keeps getting bigger the more that we keep saying wild but exploiting my life for four years
00:00:44
there is a cost the last year or so that I had a co-host
00:00:49
I was really struggling it's all her daddy was the biggest show ever and everyone's like these girls are the best
00:00:55
of friends and it was all crumbling behind the scenes why was I like getting people out of bed managing like drugs
00:01:01
and alcohol trying to be the fixer someone's gonna be the victim and someone's gonna be the villain and I was
00:01:07
the villain you can get down a really dark path if you do have a goal it's not
00:01:13
worth losing yourself to get the prize if today were your last day and I slid you a phone and said you're gonna have a
00:01:19
conversation with your former partner would you dial the number I struggled so much wanting to tell the
00:01:25
full story and wanting to tell the truth
00:01:31
before we get into this episode just wanted to say thank you first and foremost for being part of this community
00:01:36
um the team here at the diver Co is now almost 30 people and that's literally because you watch and you subscribe and
00:01:42
you um leave comments and you like the videos that this Show's been able to grow and it's the greatest honor of my
00:01:48
life to sit here with these incredible people and just selfishly ask them questions that I'm pondering over or
00:01:53
worrying about in my life but this is just the beginning for the day of this year we've got big big plans to scale
00:01:58
this show and to every corner of the world and to to diversify Our Guest selection and that's enabled by you by a
00:02:05
simple thing that you guys do which is to watch so if there's one thing you could do to help this show and to help
00:02:10
us continue to do what we do it's just to hit the Subscribe button if you like this show if you like what we do here if
00:02:16
you watch these episodes please just hit that subscribe button means the world let's get on with it
00:02:21
[Music]
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hi what is the earliest thing the earliest
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piece of context that I need to know about you to understand the person that sat in front of me today and all that she's accomplished
00:02:41
oh my gosh Stephen um
00:02:47
oh that's a hard question I would say I think that
00:02:54
the experience I had growing up watching my father
00:02:59
and what he did for a living my dad is a sports television producer
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and I remember when I was younger my mom would take my sister my brother and I
00:03:11
into Philadelphia and we would go to the Philadelphia Flyers games because that's what he
00:03:17
would produce and we would stay in the stands watching hockey for like a period And then after the first period we would
00:03:24
beg my mom like please can we go see Dad can we go see dad and my mom would be like okay like let's go and she's like
00:03:30
you have to be quiet and so she would bring us down to the television Studio and every single time it would like Take
00:03:37
My Breath Away watching my dad because I would walk in and he would be at the dead center at the front of the room
00:03:42
with like 20 people behind him 70 plus cameras in front of him and he
00:03:48
would be producing and directing a live sporting event and that's like my earliest memory of
00:03:54
realizing like holy [ __ ] I want to do this like I want to do what my dad does and
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um I think it was always instilled in me also like my Dad loved what he did so I
00:04:09
know a lot of my friends their dad's like gotta go to work and like I get that that's like a lot of people in the
00:04:14
world but I was so fortunate to watch my dad was the first one in the arena like he was the first one there he had his
00:04:20
notes he was ready to go and then I would watch him like produce this live show of like roll camera a go to the
00:04:25
announcers roll the graphic like hit the color and I just was so enthralled by
00:04:30
that world that from a very young age I was able to quickly locate
00:04:37
that's what I want to do that's what I I want not only just like the actual Act of producing but the way that my father
00:04:44
engaged with his work like it wasn't work my dad never complained about going
00:04:49
he was always so enthusiastic and so to see your your parent and a figure above
00:04:56
you that you respect so much be so in love with what they're doing I always was like I want my passion to become my
00:05:03
purpose to become what I do in life and I do think that kind of then makes sense
00:05:08
as to like where I am now like I love what I do and I really accredit a lot of that to like watching my father be so in
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love with his career and his job what about your mother my mother is a psychologist so it's like
00:05:22
the perfect storm growing up I was like Mom stop being so smart leave me alone why do all of the other kids moms would
00:05:29
be like oh yeah go to the movies sweetie and my mom would be like you're not going to movies you're going to a party tell me what's happening where are you
00:05:35
going I'd be like why do you know these things so it was frustrating I think when I was younger my mom and I had a
00:05:41
really interesting dynamic because I always like to push the boundaries and I was the youngest so I was kind of like the
00:05:47
wild child and I loved that my mom was a psychologist but I hated it because she was like too insightful and too with it
00:05:54
that I wish I could have gotten away with more but I do think as I started to
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come into my own having her have this background in Psychology allowed me to
00:06:06
really put more of an importance on connection connecting to your emotions
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um EQ versus IQ like my parents cared about our grades but they also were more like do you know how to interact in a
00:06:19
room like do you know how to read the room like do you know when your friend is upset are you being
00:06:25
um honest with yourself of how you're feeling so like my household was always like how are you feeling what's going on
00:06:30
and I'm like can we stop talking about our feelings for one [ __ ] second but it really was like the perfect storm of
00:06:35
I now on my show am so interested in just talking and having engaging conversations because I think my mother
00:06:43
it was like a prerequisite in our house of like no no you can't leave the house before I know like how are you doing I'm
00:06:50
like I'm fine but like so I think I really admired her but in my like angsty
00:06:55
teen years I was like [ __ ] off like stop asking me how I'm feeling I want to go drink and have fun with my friends
00:07:01
um but she's amazing and she's been like probably the most instrumental person in my life in terms of like my personal
00:07:09
development as a human being when she asked you how you were feeling
00:07:14
when you were a kid were you always honest with her no oh God no I was really
00:07:22
um I had a hard time with like wanting to make my parents really proud I think they saw a lot in me and I was
00:07:30
very like doing a lot of things I was really good at soccer I was like good at making movies and films and all the
00:07:36
things but I like really struggled in school and so I never wanted to tell my parents that because I felt like
00:07:44
I think I was like embarrassed because like who I was at home was so not who I was at school and so I was almost like
00:07:50
I'm still working through this in therapy so I don't really know the full answer yet but what I do know is I was like embarrassed to explain to my
00:07:58
parents that I was like getting bullied at school or having a hard time because when I got home I then was my actual
00:08:04
real self where I was outgoing and Goofy and happy but then when I would go to school I never wanted to tell them
00:08:10
actually like that I was struggling which is really strange and I am still working on trying to figure out like why
00:08:16
I didn't feel that way because my parents were so loving would have gone to school and like talked to the
00:08:23
teachers or the parents of the little shits that were bullying me but I just had this like internal
00:08:30
way of compartmentalizing School struggles and then like being at
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home and trying to engage in things that I loved and made
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me happy and I just like to like separate the two as you were saying I was trying to like
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figure out why that is sometimes why we and my brain said like we almost don't want to taint our our happy place or our
00:08:54
safe place with the with the unhappy place it's like it almost poisoned that place it bring that energy into the into
00:09:01
that safe place yeah I think that's a good point like I I really struggled with
00:09:08
people being so mean strictly it was just all about my appearance like I was a very awkward kid I think I had a hard
00:09:15
time also coming out and talking about it on caller Daddy because I feel like the Persona that I am putting out into
00:09:22
the world is very like blonde bombshell she's got her life together and people are like you got
00:09:28
bullied and so that dichotomy I think is like hard for people to understand but like I still feel like the girl that was
00:09:34
bullied in middle school elementary school so I I think yeah I think there
00:09:40
was like a pride thing of like they can do that to me at school but when I get home and I'm gonna go in the basement
00:09:45
and I'm gonna make my films like they can't touch that like that's for me and that's what
00:09:51
honestly like saved my life to be honest like creating content was like the one
00:09:57
thing that kept me going and like happy and I was able to find my purpose because school was like just so awful
00:10:03
for me when you say saved my life do you mean that yeah I I actually found like a
00:10:09
journal I'm not crying but my I just will not stop watering or maybe I am um
00:10:14
I found a journal of mine it was so [ __ ] sad to read I was really going
00:10:20
through a hard time in school I think when you go through bullying you feel
00:10:25
so [ __ ] isolated and unfortunately or I hope like I actually
00:10:33
don't think the kids that were bullying me and most of them were boys um I don't think they knew the impact it
00:10:40
was having like it was like a casual mean comment at recess but it was destroying me inside and so I found a
00:10:47
journal that broke my heart because it was basically me saying like oh this is
00:10:54
if I was like if I killed myself maybe then they would realize like how [ __ ]
00:11:01
up all the comments that they were saying to me oh my God sorry I didn't expect for this
00:11:07
to happen um I just like I think I realized like I'm
00:11:14
like [ __ ] like they would then realize like the impact that their comments had on me and I really don't think that like
00:11:21
I'm saying like I don't think those kids actually knew like damn like and so I think almost the way of thinking about
00:11:27
killing myself was like then they would realize the impact and so I had a lot of
00:11:32
dark thoughts that like I I'm like I feel really bad for myself in
00:11:39
that moment because I think a lot of times people are like I wouldn't take it certain things back because like it made
00:11:45
me who I am I would take that back I think what what I felt in those moments
00:11:50
I would absolutely take back because it just like I don't I think I could still be where I am and not have gone through
00:11:55
that type of pain have you had to have a conversation with that that go
00:12:01
the younger version of Alex in therapy and stuff too yeah um it's been weird because our job is so weird where like I
00:12:09
remember do we have a tissue sorry no you're fine I'm like whoa I didn't expect to cry
00:12:16
this dude and I wasn't even expecting to cry um I think why I'm so emotional too is like
00:12:22
I'm kind of like currently working through this in therapy and
00:12:27
I think our job is very strange where I remember when I took the show on my own
00:12:33
um and I was doing like solo episodes and I kept realizing I had like these
00:12:39
people-pleasing Tendencies and I wanted to share it on my show but I'm like I have to give context to the daddy gang
00:12:44
my fans like why I have these Tendencies and so I remember telling my fans in the world that I was
00:12:52
bullied before I even told my therapist and I do sometimes think there's like something beautiful about that of like I
00:12:59
Knew by me saying that I was gonna immediately connect with so many of my fans and like we were going to be able
00:13:05
to have an even deeper connection but I haven't really worked through all of it
00:13:12
so like I think sometimes when you bring up things you went through and you're not
00:13:17
fully healed or whatever like I'm still kind of in the middle of processing all of it but
00:13:22
I have started to think about that younger self but I I think it's still so
00:13:28
raw of like even unpacking like how it's affected me in adulthood that I'm having a hard time like
00:13:35
going through all the layers of it still have you seen sort of imprints that
00:13:42
remain on you as an adult I think about my own experience being I mean talked about this a lot on the show so people know but being the only like black kid
00:13:48
in all white school being the poorest family in the area and that constant feeling of like ongoing shame like yeah
00:13:54
I think back and I've realized in my adult life like I always would say how I am so
00:14:01
comfortable being alone I love my alone time but I think that comes from the initial
00:14:09
Inception was like such pain and hurt and isolation um when I was young I would go into my
00:14:16
room and I would cry but I would make sure my parents couldn't hear me crying again because like I wanted to be like
00:14:22
the cool soccer player creative girl when I'm home and I didn't want them to know what I was going through so I would
00:14:29
be crying or writing in a journal and I realized like I got so
00:14:36
I went through like hating every single thing about myself externally
00:14:41
like I would look up remedies of like how to get rid of my cystic acne like I
00:14:47
would literally Envision taking like a razor and like taking it off my skin like I thought of so many things and I I
00:14:53
just like was constantly trying to change myself because I was getting bullied for like the way that I looked
00:15:00
and I think it's really detrimental when you're at an age where like all you care
00:15:05
about is peer approval all you care about is people liking you and so I think the part of me that like yes hated
00:15:13
myself I did get really comfortable being alone because those were the moments where I allowed myself to have
00:15:20
all of the thoughts like bottling up and not telling anyone that I was going
00:15:26
through this I remember a friend of mine that I've been friends with since like fourth grade she was
00:15:32
like Alex I can't believe you never told me because I was going through
00:15:37
something really similar she has red hair and freckles and she was like I got so bullied and we were in the same
00:15:43
school we were best friends and we didn't even know we were both going through it and I can't even imagine how
00:15:49
much easier my life would have been if I at least like grabbed onto her and we had each other but I think
00:15:54
bullying is very hard to explain unless you've gone through it where like you're
00:16:00
so alone you hate yourself you almost like yeah you hate the
00:16:05
bullies but you almost like some you just internalize it so you hate yourself you don't even hate them as much as you hate yourself you want to change
00:16:11
yourself you want to be able to fit in you want to hide you and so you do certain things where like even my my
00:16:18
mannerisms or my posture was so like defeated and awkward
00:16:23
um and now I look back and it's like my adult life I have ex I am working on
00:16:30
working through extreme people pleasing Tendencies because I just wanted people to like me when I
00:16:36
was younger and so even sometimes I see things on the internet where I'm like oh he's being like too annoying or extra
00:16:42
but it's like I feel like I just want people to like me and sometimes that's
00:16:48
all I'm thinking about that I can imagine that comes off in a way that's maybe not as likable but it's like I
00:16:57
really am just trying to connect um and then I think the The Loner thing
00:17:02
like I've had so many I had a lot of issues in romantic relationships where
00:17:09
I would be like in love with someone but they would be like what I didn't even know you liked me and so I think I would
00:17:17
avoid getting hurt and rejected because I was rejected in those years of feeling
00:17:24
the ultimate rejection of again when you're like all you care about is peer
00:17:30
Dynamics friends like who's and who's top five like boys were like repulsed by me and so I was like I hated myself I
00:17:37
didn't think I was good enough and so when I would get someone I tried to like
00:17:43
have a defense almost against like they can't hurt me because like I'm already setting myself up to know what's going
00:17:49
to be over before they can like reject me you know when I sit here with um people
00:17:55
and I learn about their early years I think there's always and probably I had this assumption before I started doing this that when we reached a moment of
00:18:01
success or whatever when our circumstances change the trauma goes out the door with it and I I've come to
00:18:08
learn from doing this that it stays and I've actually I feel like I've never met a person who has managed to take that
00:18:13
early upbringing the early adverse are bringing to zero I've never met the person yeah
00:18:20
I'm guessing you've made progress on these things yeah I have
00:18:26
I think like when I was so young
00:18:31
being in school I I started to really struggle with my grades because
00:18:37
it would be like I'm getting bullied in school and I would run home and I started to compartmentalize so well that
00:18:44
creating content to me was like literally what kept me going right and
00:18:50
so I would go into my basement and my dad gave me this like big huge clunky Sony
00:18:55
camera and I was obsessed with creating these characters creating these story
00:19:01
lines like I laugh now because I didn't even put it together but I would force all my friends all my soccer friends to
00:19:08
participate in like making videos with me and we remade The Devil Wears Prada and you would think immediately of what
00:19:14
I'm telling you like who would I play I would play Anne Hathaway's character I played Meryl Streep I I was freaking
00:19:21
Miranda Priestly I'm like I'm the farthest thing from that at that point in my life but it was like I loved
00:19:26
playing characters that like it like ignited this confidence in me where I
00:19:32
could feel for a minute like I I am this boss like I am this like strong
00:19:38
Confident Woman um and so creating content for me was
00:19:43
like this outlet that allowed me to almost like become the thing that internally I
00:19:49
always did have this confidence and I knew I had this fun personality in this spark but it was so tainted by the
00:19:57
minute I walked out the doors of my house when I was struggling in school I think I started to realize like I don't want
00:20:04
to do math I don't want to do history like I just want to create content and I think it was really hard for me to focus
00:20:10
in school because I almost was like so focused on the goal of like let me
00:20:17
just keep creating content and I can't explain it but it was like the driving force for me to just keep going and to
00:20:22
keep dealing with a lot of the [ __ ] that I was struggling with
00:20:27
therapy I'm thinking about that alignment you're talking about between being being able to show up as yourself
00:20:35
everywhere you go whether it's in school or whether it's on your show or wherever
00:20:42
also it was quite clear that in school in your earlier years you weren't able to show up as yourself hmm
00:20:48
what role has therapy played in helping you to become Alex when you're on camera off camera in
00:20:54
school in Social settings wherever you go well at first it wasn't changing my life
00:21:01
and my therapist was like had a hard conversation with me I think it was like two months into us working together and
00:21:08
she was like Alex I need to say something to you and I'm like am I in trouble she's like you can't you pay me
00:21:14
like you're not in trouble but I need to be honest with you I can tell you're not
00:21:20
you're not being honest you put on this facade that everything is good everything is okay and like the point is
00:21:26
to come here and be emotional and you can trust me to not
00:21:31
tell anyone judge you and I think I had kept this hard exterior for so long that
00:21:39
it was really foreign to me to open up and talk
00:21:45
about my insecurities and what I'd struggled with because when you're bullied you eventually create this armor
00:21:54
that is like completely sealed shut you
00:22:02
you wear it and you like know the pain but you eventually have to survive and keep going and so I think in therapy my
00:22:09
therapist was like what is why can I not like get in there and I eventually
00:22:17
I didn't I didn't even say anything in that session I was like I don't know like I'm telling you the truth and then weirdly that was when I ended up opening
00:22:24
up on my show about it and then I came back to her and I was like okay here you go and I just spilled everything because
00:22:31
I was at least attuned enough to therapy from my mother of like I know in order to actually have change Within Myself
00:22:38
and for this to work I have to be honest but there was still like I was still embarrassed to tell my therapist
00:22:45
because I knew she would look at me differently and I thought she thought I was like this well put together person
00:22:50
and I just was like holy [ __ ] I've created such a facade that like
00:22:56
everything is perfect exteriorly with me that I'm not going to be able to actually
00:23:01
undo the damage that was done if I don't actually start talking about it and so that was like a really pivotal moment for me where therapy
00:23:07
finally broke down that layer but my therapist had to chip away and now she
00:23:13
jokes about it with me all the time it's like do you remember when you would come in and I'd be like so and eventually she
00:23:18
was like why are we here whose decision was it to go to therapy me
00:23:24
did you go with with a particular Focus or just generally yeah it was a particular focus it was
00:23:30
um about like the last year or so that I had a co-host I was
00:23:36
really struggling um and I was like my mom kept being like I need
00:23:43
to be your mom I can't be your therapist like you you need to talk to someone and that was when I finally so that was
00:23:48
about like 20 25 24 and I finally was like okay I'm
00:23:54
just gonna get a therapist and it was in New York City and I would go in person with her and that it felt very
00:24:01
um at first it felt very like why am I here like I don't need this but then
00:24:07
eventually it like cracked and it was really helpful but it was not easy I will say I think a lot of people think
00:24:13
therapy is like sit down and tell your secrets like it's so awkward at first if you're not even I had a psychologist as
00:24:19
a mother and I'm still like I don't want to do this but I think it's all in your head because once you open the
00:24:24
floodgates they never close you were struggling
00:24:31
yeah are you asking me with what yeah you said you were struggling so
00:24:36
you probably from what you said you were going to your mother and explaining that there was a struggle that struggle is that is that a social struggle with a
00:24:42
friend or is that a psychological struggle or I think in business there was a lot happening
00:24:50
where I was living with someone I was doing business with we were struggling
00:24:55
with business like there were so many things happening and I was
00:25:01
how do I say this I was struggling to take care of myself in an environment
00:25:09
that was really unhealthy and was
00:25:15
like the show was priority but behind the scenes it was a disaster and so I
00:25:22
was like compromising on a lot of things that like morally I didn't agree with or
00:25:28
mentally I wasn't feeling good about and it was at a really weird time because call her daddy was like the biggest show
00:25:34
ever and everyone's like these girls are the best and they're the best of friends and they're the best and like that's
00:25:41
life like you it's almost like how everyone talks about like Instagram we put our best foot forward and it was all
00:25:46
crumbling behind the scenes and it was terrifying to me because I worked my
00:25:52
whole life to like get to a point like this where I'm producing a show and it
00:25:57
just felt very scary to me that I didn't have control of all the aspects going on
00:26:02
and the symptoms were psychological for you psychological I was
00:26:08
basically in a co-dependent relationship like it was so unhealthy um for both of us and uh
00:26:16
I think psychologically yes I even think physically it was taking a toll on me
00:26:24
um and then it was also taking a toll on my other relationships because like the partner I had at the time was like
00:26:30
bearing the weight of me complaining about so much going on in my
00:26:35
life because I couldn't go at the person that I had to get up every morning with and record right like I couldn't be
00:26:41
um I had to keep the show going so it was like very detrimental to yes psychologically
00:26:48
and my like mental health like the show came first before I think both of our personal needs what
00:26:55
was the advice you you needed most of that moment but didn't get or maybe just before that moment
00:27:01
happened because that's kind of like that's when things start falling yeah but if you've got advice maybe a couple
00:27:06
of years earlier it would have prevented you getting into that situation so what is that advice
00:27:12
that and I'm saying this because of there's someone at home now who's you know they want to follow in your footsteps and whatever career or
00:27:17
industry it might be but when you get into business and things start going well you where you just [ __ ] wish that
00:27:24
someone had told you
00:27:29
I mean
00:27:35
maybe that
00:27:40
it's okay to leave it's okay to leave a situation
00:27:47
for both people involved um it's okay to want to hold on to
00:27:54
something because in some aspects it's really working but
00:28:00
if you are compromising your morals and your mental health and
00:28:07
at one point your sanity like it ain't worth it um
00:28:12
but again I think like even if someone had told me that I had to live through
00:28:18
it because I worked my hor my whole life for this like I
00:28:24
finally got the show and I was producing and I was doing what I loved but I then
00:28:31
started to hate it and that to me was when I was like I didn't need anyone to tell me at that
00:28:37
point that I should leave it was like oh I've Loved this my
00:28:43
whole life something's off like if I'm this miserable there's a better way
00:28:50
from that you must have learned the factors that need to be in place professionally for you to love work
00:28:56
because you you got to experience head-on all the factors that make a passion turn into yeah misery
00:29:03
so on the flip side what are the factors that you need and you believe people generally need for them to like love
00:29:09
their work yeah I think that the first thing is like business is so
00:29:16
there's so many different layers it's so so complicated even if it's just you so
00:29:23
then add another person in it's almost impossible and I think like it was so difficult
00:29:30
my partner and I at the time had such different wants such different you know
00:29:35
envisionments for our career in the future and that is so okay but I think the issue is like
00:29:42
if you have the ability to sit down before you begin which we didn't really
00:29:47
have like I remember I came home um
00:29:52
one day or she came home from work one day she was uh the third roommate to me and my best friend from childhood we had
00:29:59
met her like it was like a very random like hey we need a third you want to come live with us we'd live together for like
00:30:05
a couple months if that and I was like do you want to do this podcast with me
00:30:10
I had no idea it was going to be the biggest podcast in the world I had no idea her wants and what truly she was
00:30:17
interested in what she was passionate about we were passionate about such different things so it's like I think in business you do have to actually believe
00:30:26
that this could become the biggest thing you have to put your mind there and one
00:30:32
that's incredible for your self-confidence to be like if you're starting a business
00:30:37
pretend it's about to be apple Envision and and who you're sitting next
00:30:43
to do you want to be there with them or for yourself are you willing to get there and sacrifice certain things in
00:30:49
your personal life to get there like whether it's a duo or a singular person like you actually have to Envision
00:30:55
yourself at the end line and at your goal because you have to mentally start to function
00:31:02
that way because then all of a sudden you could get there and then you're like oh [ __ ] I didn't plan for this and I
00:31:09
think that's kind of what we both felt we were like we don't even really know each other
00:31:15
three episodes in this is the biggest show in the world like we're drinking buddies like what this is not a this is
00:31:23
not supposed to be a business and we are way in over our heads and I think that's okay but I look back and I'm like
00:31:29
I had no idea what we were getting ourselves into but I do think in business it's like
00:31:35
you gotta think big because once you get there you better be prepared and I wasn't
00:31:43
do you know what that's actually the advice that I wish I'd got before I started in business which is imagine the
00:31:48
day when someone comes along and offers you a hundred million how are your contracts
00:31:54
because when you start you'll you'll you'll be tempted by oh my god of fifty thousand pounds to ten five thousand
00:32:01
pounds I here you go everything I'll sign anything and then and you do that often in your desperation and naivety
00:32:07
but then you get five years down the line things are big and you just absolutely [ __ ] wish and Dread that
00:32:13
you didn't think like this um so there's gonna be a lot of people listening that are either starting out in the business Journeys that really
00:32:20
need to get into that difficult mindset the thing is what you said also applies to relationships generally
00:32:26
this idea of like making sure from the jump that your Visions are aligned oh yeah I also love that you said you know we
00:32:33
wish we could have told ourselves but then I'm also in life like no that was supposed to happen because
00:32:39
now when I went and signed my Spotify deal
00:32:45
you best believe I was like who's around me do I own these trademarks do I own
00:32:51
this IP do I own like everything that felt like I had not
00:32:57
focused on in the beginning that I was like kicking myself for the second time
00:33:02
around I was like damn sure that I had like everything locked in and I still even
00:33:07
made like a couple mistakes but like I I think that that's also just life of like
00:33:13
you're gonna have you can try to be as prepared as you can you're never going to be fully prepared
00:33:18
but having some ability to reflect on what
00:33:25
you wish you had done differently or better or the same there
00:33:32
were some things that I was like I'm sticking exactly that course I think you just have to think about it and be
00:33:38
cognizant of those steps and I think sometimes you rush quickly like that's like our world today it's like go go go
00:33:43
like take the new job don't take a minute to pause that's where I think you get screwed over within yourself of not
00:33:50
recognizing like what's going to be different this time you're miserable over there how's it going to be different so I wouldn't take
00:33:57
it back I just think of course there's things I wish I had done differently but then I did them differently for my next
00:34:03
deal and I am exponentially happier with the way that I'm handling business who I'm surrounding myself with how I'm
00:34:10
hiring um you know who touches the product like there's everything now I've formulated
00:34:17
and I think a lot of people think like oh Spotify like just so many people around her
00:34:22
I've two or one people one person in my office every day like I've kept it
00:34:28
pretty small because that's what I always wanted I want to produce I want to edit I want to direct I want to do as
00:34:34
much as I can in a smart way but you just have to know what you want
00:34:40
and then when you get away from it then you really know what you want because they're like wait I want to go that way and that's a great thing
00:34:48
there's an interesting point here though about being a people pleaser when a people pleaser strikes it big it's hard
00:34:54
to like put up those boundaries and start like saying what you want and what you need and having because even the
00:35:00
conversation we had a little bit a while ago about aligning and communicating what you want from the jump so that further down the line you don't mess
00:35:06
things up and regret it requires a difficult conversation at the start yeah I I wasn't even like aware of how
00:35:13
much I was people pleasing until it got to that breaking point where I was like
00:35:20
there were so many things I was doing to appease people around me to keep the show going that was so
00:35:28
unhealthy that now I have in hindsight I'm like what was I doing why was I like
00:35:34
getting people out of bed like why was I like managing like drugs and alcohol and like trying to be this like fixer and
00:35:42
then it's like just trying to put a show on I think I was like a little over my
00:35:47
skis I just said that because I was skiing this weekend so that's the only knowledge I'm like over my head I'm like
00:35:52
over my skis um you can get down a really really dark path if you do have a goal in order to
00:36:00
get there and that is also advice I give people of like
00:36:05
it's not worth losing yourself to get the prize because
00:36:11
what what was hard for me is like public perception so I've talked to you about
00:36:16
how much I care about people liking me now I'm on a world stage and there's comments and there's people
00:36:23
and there was like a public Fallout with a woman so there's like someone's gonna be the victim and someone's gonna be the
00:36:29
villain and I was the villain and I'm like if this happened like to me
00:36:36
I think publicly I struggled so much for a while of like wanting to tell the full
00:36:42
story and wanting to tell the truth and be like I promise like but I'm also then like my character was
00:36:47
like I I don't think anyone needs to know what happened behind closed doors and how dark it got and
00:36:54
but I just know that I was proud of myself that I did I know I'm a good person but when you
00:37:01
see the internet picking sides or doing this like it [ __ ] with you and I imagine for her it
00:37:07
[ __ ] with her like it was really hard I think for two women to go through something so big in a coveted pandemic
00:37:14
um that people just wanted drama but I think my people-pleasing Tendencies of like
00:37:19
wait why are these people thinking something that I'm not that ate me alive
00:37:24
inside and I had to have my boyfriend my mother my father my therapist be like
00:37:30
you both know the real story that's it that's all you need to know and so I
00:37:35
think it took me a while though where I was like I want to clear the air like how many times are we going to go back and forth like you know what I mean but
00:37:41
it can get exhausting trying to make people know your character and who you are
00:37:48
um especially when I've been talking on the internet for almost now five years like people think people have a
00:37:54
perception of me and and that's something I have to live with and be okay with but it's hard
00:38:00
I remember someone wrote in um in the Diary of this year this little book that I have in front of me guess when they leave they write a question for the next
00:38:06
guest someone wrote in this book If today were your last day and you had to have a 60-second
00:38:12
conversation with someone in your life um what would you say to them and why and I was just wondering as you're saying all of this this was clearly a
00:38:18
really tumultuous pivotal moment in your life for better and for worse in many respects are there any words unsaid if today were
00:38:25
your last day and I I slid you a phone and said you're gonna have a conversation with with that person your
00:38:30
former partner would you dial the number would you say anything
00:38:37
no because I think in a weird way like
00:38:43
when there's time I think both sides and I acknowledge both sides have their own story that then just keeps going on like
00:38:49
I'm like what even is the reality anymore we both have such different story lines of everything that happened
00:38:56
if I was like forced to I would just say like I hope you're healthy and you're well but
00:39:02
I think we're both like in a beautiful way I I said this to someone recently I was like it's so much better that we're
00:39:10
both doing our own things like that's the same thing in like romantic relationships like
00:39:16
I think a lot of times you try to keep making something work it shouldn't be that difficult it really shouldn't if
00:39:22
it's meant to work it will be working and I'm in the healthiest relationship of my life right now and I'm like this
00:39:28
feels great this is what it's supposed to feel like so no I I don't think that I would pick up
00:39:34
the phone because I think we see things very differently and that's okay that's life like that's the
00:39:41
world that's politics that's religion that's friendships ending that's marriage is ending like you're just
00:39:48
gonna be like I don't see it like you and that's okay um I think the internet's probably a little bit more invested than even the
00:39:55
two of us are but yeah I think that would be just I hope you're healthy
00:40:01
cool hey Daddy you tell me where the boundaries are here but how big is this show you know
00:40:07
it's difficult it's difficult to get an idea of it because it's kind of a black box the way it operates in Spotify but what can you tell me about the size of
00:40:13
the show because I want to go into what's made it successful so give me the headline I would say that it is
00:40:21
um the most listened to female podcast in the world wow wow um
00:40:26
it's and it's exclusive at Spotify so that is wild to me that the numbers even
00:40:34
being exclusive and you can only find it on one platform that it's as big as it is
00:40:40
um it still doesn't really like register to me because when people say that I'm like podcasting is weird like I don't I
00:40:46
don't like I'm not a singer of seeing everyone in the audience like I just like talk and then I go and eat a
00:40:51
sandwich and play with my dogs and go to sleep like sometimes it doesn't register but the success of this show is wild to
00:40:59
me because when we first released our first three episodes with barcel sports
00:41:06
it went number two right underneath Joe Rogan and I think every podcast if it has like a lot of traction like the
00:41:12
algorithm Works where like if you have immediate engagement of like new followers a lot of people are gonna hit up in the top 10.
00:41:19
but then by week three and then week four and then week 10 and then week 20
00:41:24
it was constantly just sitting right under Rogan and then I remember like I think it was maybe our 10th week or something it went
00:41:33
past Rogue and then we were back to Second and it was like whoa that wasn't that wasn't the plan like of
00:41:40
course the plan is to get big but I just remember um I remember Eric nardini who's the CEO
00:41:47
at barcel came in and was like just so you know like girls your episode
00:41:52
um is like getting the same numbers as our biggest show at Barstool uh PMT or
00:41:59
yeah and I was like really like that's so cool like I I we didn't have like a concept I don't think
00:42:05
yet so it went viral so fast and again that goes back to like there was no plan
00:42:12
like I knew in my mind like I love doing this but like there was no plan I didn't even want to be a podcaster like I
00:42:18
wanted to direct films and and TV shows and so then after that the show only
00:42:25
continued to grow and it still doesn't feel real like I think
00:42:30
the craziest thing was when I signed my Spotify deal it was very exciting for me
00:42:35
that Spotify looked at me and was like we really respect what you did in the past but pitcho switched the future
00:42:42
because that's why we're signing you knowing a little bit about Spotify and the numbers and the podcasting game I I
00:42:49
know you must be getting hundreds of Millions of downloads and streams a month
00:42:56
it's wild like don't tell me that because it's
00:43:01
like what it's crazy why the most listened to
00:43:09
female podcast in the world hundreds of millions of downloads every month there's millions of podcasts out there I
00:43:16
there's loads of numbers knocking around I read one recently that said there's almost three million podcasts
00:43:22
why yours why why you and why yours you must
00:43:27
have like slowly over time which is kind of what we've tried to do look back and tried to figure it out like what's the
00:43:33
subtle and obvious things that I've made you be so successful
00:43:40
I think truly there is and like I'm obviously
00:43:47
not being biased but I don't think that anyone has the relationship they have
00:43:53
With Their audience the way that I do I think when you start a show talking about sex especially for women and it's
00:44:01
so taboo and there's so much shame the amount of trust that that garnered
00:44:09
for me in between me and them was unmatched like I
00:44:16
still to this day it shocks me that women come up to me in the street
00:44:21
and will tell me about sexual abuse that they went through and
00:44:26
we've just met in 15 seconds they're like Alex I have to tell you you got me out of this really toxic abusive
00:44:32
situation all of a sudden someone's coming to me being like I married someone because of like it's like this
00:44:39
relationship that I've built I think is
00:44:46
something that I will never be able to like really articulate but I know it's also coming from a place because I need
00:44:52
them just as much they need me I think sometimes in the Creator world like it gets a little
00:45:00
disconnected because we also are trying to run businesses right and you can't
00:45:05
always do everything for your fans like I can say I have been in huge meetings
00:45:12
with a lot of executive people telling me what to do and I'm like I don't want to do that because the
00:45:18
daddy gang won't connect that and there's a lot of money on the table or there's brand deals or there's all these
00:45:23
things and I have really been intentional about like I care more about the content than
00:45:34
what public facing accolades we're gonna get and I think because I focus so much on my relationship with my audience it's
00:45:41
then just garnered like oh this [ __ ] just keeps getting bigger and it is a huge show but like
00:45:46
I can't explain it like if I brought a daddy game girl in here she would be like let me tell you our connection like
00:45:51
it really does feel like so crazy how connected we are so I think that is one
00:45:57
side of it I do everything for my audience I sacrifice my personal relationships I have skipped out on huge
00:46:04
family things to like make sure I'm like no I need to give the daddy gang something amazing this week I've never
00:46:12
put out an episode of caller daddy that I'm not proud of every week I'm busting
00:46:17
my ass to provide for them and it's doodly episodes
00:46:22
no you've never delete one episode no never recorded an episode and thought
00:46:30
oh I've deleted them like not published them but like if I've published it I've never deleted it oh yeah so you've like
00:46:35
had a conversation with someone I've actually only had a conversation with one person that I've never released
00:46:40
just because they didn't want to be there I think their publicist [ __ ] them over they didn't know what they
00:46:46
were coming in for and I respectfully was like this ain't it but um oh I've recorded like so many solo episodes that
00:46:52
I've never pressed upload on that eventually maybe I'll like put together and be like these were my thoughts back then but no I've never I've never
00:47:00
deleted an episode that I've published but oh my God are you kidding my catalog of things I haven't pressed upload on
00:47:06
it's like a whole nother 100 episodes um but I and then I think the other side
00:47:12
of why it has been successful is like it just goes back to
00:47:17
without sounding like a egomaniac like I am obsessed with this it I can't explain it like
00:47:25
every single week I'm like completely fixated on how I'm gonna innovate make
00:47:31
it better make it special so I think naturally like there are people that got
00:47:37
into this industry that actually didn't really intend for it and there's like producers handing them scripts and being
00:47:43
like sit down and talk like I'm so obsessed and passionate about this that
00:47:49
I do think that translates in how Innovative the show has been and just like the growth because I love it and I
00:47:56
love producing content so it's been really easy for me in that regard like I've
00:48:01
never had a doubt in my mind that this is what I'm supposed to be doing you touched a little bit there on the cost though that people don't see the
00:48:08
sacrifice families relationships all these other things part of the reason I started the show
00:48:14
actually was to shed a shed more of a light on the cost of like being a CEO because it's very glamorized everyone
00:48:19
wants to do it but then I think providing balance allows people to understand if it's actually the right choice for them away from the accolades
00:48:26
and the followers and the Clapping like is this really the right choice for you so in your experience what has been the
00:48:31
material cost of your your journey I think something I've been really struggling with is first of all with
00:48:38
regard to business I'm such a creative at heart that
00:48:43
business-wise I'm really trying to work on recognizing
00:48:49
like this has gotten so big I need to be in these meetings I need to be like I need to be interacting with people on
00:48:57
the business end of things and like my boyfriend always jokes he's like you're 99.9 creative all times like you need to
00:49:06
dial it at least 10 to business Alex and I'm like I don't need to answer the email I'm
00:49:11
just gonna sit in the edit room and make the episode so I think I've really it's been a little bit of a challenge
00:49:17
like hiring people personalities coming in figuring out how to balance being
00:49:24
the talent the executive producer
00:49:29
and the CEO and the owner of a company is like
00:49:35
like it's it's a little it almost like contradicts itself like things that I should be doing as the talent
00:49:43
the CEO shouldn't be doing like the conversations I'm having as the talent I shouldn't be having but I'm the CEO so
00:49:49
I'm like I have to fire you and then it's like well are you gonna go tweet about me you you know it's like so
00:49:56
strange where most companies like this that person wouldn't be a public-facing person so like and then my people
00:50:01
pleasing Tendencies I've kept employees longer because I'm like I can't fire this person even though they're not doing their job because like I don't
00:50:08
want them to go online and say I'm a [ __ ] and then my therapist is like Alex sweetie
00:50:15
if you're paying someone they're not doing their job you have to fire them but I'm like so
00:50:21
it's like I've struggled a lot with like who I'm having around me then on the personal side of things
00:50:29
I don't want to say the word exploiting but I'm just going to say it then I'm going to take it right back but like exploiting my life for four years
00:50:36
there is a cost of like I don't expect a lot of people to relate
00:50:42
to it it's really weird that I've talked about my sex life and my breakups and my
00:50:49
heartbreak and friend breakups and family issues and Trauma and all the
00:50:54
things you can possibly imagine like that's not normal to be that open about it on the internet so naturally I think
00:51:00
there's like a what's next like always trying to one-up yourself and that can be really detrimental and I think when I
00:51:07
look back at the early days of caller daddy like I'm embarrassed by some of the things that I said not that I'm
00:51:13
embarrassed by the product I think was great but there's some things that I was like why did I say that on the internet like
00:51:19
that was mean or that was but it was all like I don't think people understand like we were being rewarded by how much
00:51:27
crazier it was every week it was like if you get crazier the views go up the clicks keep coming so it was like this
00:51:36
really diabolical feeling in your head where it's like morally I don't know if I should be saying this but
00:51:42
it just keeps bigger getting bigger the more that we keep saying wild [ __ ] and I
00:51:49
think in the beginning we had a handle on it and then when we hit like episodes 50 60 it was like throwing [ __ ] at the
00:51:56
wall because people just wanted to see us like dance it was like do something
00:52:01
crazy again this week and that's why I have some empathy for
00:52:06
creators that have taken it too far where you see that line is like they push it they push it everyone loves
00:52:11
right when you're teetering the line they're like oh yeah oh yeah the minute you cross the line even though they've
00:52:16
been encouraging you to go farther farther and you fall off what's wrong with you what you're
00:52:23
disgusting like that's awful you're a bad person so it's like it's a very very [ __ ] up industry to be a part of
00:52:30
because like you're rewarded for the chaos but if it's too chaos then you're out
00:52:36
um has ever crossed your mind being someone who publishes a lot of content and does it frequently at a
00:52:42
certain Cadence you have a community that are expecting it from you that you probably can't stop
00:52:49
to some degree or the pressure that's that exists to keep you going keep
00:52:55
publishing keep going keep going keep going means that there is in some respects you could say a bit of a lack
00:53:01
of Freedom like you couldn't take six months off right I can't even take two
00:53:06
weeks off I yeah that has crossed my mind there's
00:53:15
there's some days where like the
00:53:21
the unforgivingness of this industry
00:53:26
gets a little it freaks me out a little bit because
00:53:33
I've found myself like I just said being like wait why did I do that because I'm so
00:53:39
deep in it and I'm so content focused that I'm pulling myself out I'm like the Alex with her family and her partner and
00:53:45
her her real life like that's not who I am I think
00:53:51
um I actually think that's why I kind of pivoted my show for a minute to interviews
00:53:56
I needed like a break because I was like first of all we don't need to keep hearing me talking like let's give me a break like you're all sick of me
00:54:04
um I wanted to just start to talk to other people for a second because doing these solo episodes every single week I
00:54:12
needed something new and unique to say and that can cause you to lose your
00:54:18
[ __ ] mind like I don't think people understand like an hour of content I was talking to my boyfriend about this he's
00:54:23
like I make hour and a half movies that we work on for nine months like every week you have an hour to fill and
00:54:31
if it's just you talking it's it's like almost insane like you're
00:54:37
gonna start doing things you're gonna start putting yourself in situations to get content to talk about things and I
00:54:43
started to be like this is unhealthy there's other ways to entertain people and other ways to feel creatively
00:54:49
stimulated and that's when I just started to talk to other people and and then interviewing I think gave me like
00:54:56
a real sense of fulfillment because
00:55:02
it goes back to my childhood like I love connecting with people I love what we're doing right now this is like my jam this
00:55:09
is like I could let's go for five hours every time I do a podcast people like that was the longest podcast we've ever
00:55:14
done like I can't stop talking because I love connecting with people I love discussing topics
00:55:20
um and right now that's what I'm doing on my show and again like I said who knows maybe it will change in a year but
00:55:27
yeah it's a it's a weird feeling to be like where is the end mark
00:55:35
I don't think there is an end mark for me because maybe it will look different
00:55:41
but I aside from all like the drama of what we're talking about it goes back to me being like I love this [ __ ] and so
00:55:48
are there boundaries I can set with myself in order to make it healthier just like any person with any
00:55:55
job like you can get wrapped up in that and it's not healthy
00:56:00
a lot has been written about the financial um deal you did with Spotify a lot of people talk about that what what impact
00:56:07
did that have if any on your life there's the 60 million numbers flown around everywhere you don't have to confirm or deny but um
00:56:14
did that change things in any material way it was the craziest
00:56:21
truly the craziest feeling that I've I still can't really articulate of like I never started this for money I'm
00:56:28
really fortunate how much my parents were like keep it real keep it normal like
00:56:35
what is all this if you're about to be like this like like none of this matters it could all be gone tomorrow and so
00:56:42
I've been fortunate to be raised by people that like I just it hasn't really affected me I feel like the same person
00:56:47
that I was in Pennsylvania definitely a little bit more progressed and like how I feel about myself and and I feel
00:56:54
smarter and you know more whole human being but like that number to all it did to me was solidify that the brand that I
00:57:01
built deserves to be where it is and I haven't really let it get to my head I'll let
00:57:07
you know if it does but like for right now I feel like everyone keeps asking me like how did it change your life it for
00:57:14
the rest of my life will change my life and my kids lives and like I get that but in the immediate
00:57:20
I'm still working the way I always work I hunch over at my computer I I like I
00:57:28
have the same keyboards like people like how do you not have like the keyboard with all like there's certain like Tech things that I could be doing I don't
00:57:35
give a [ __ ] I want to do exactly what I've always been doing and keeping it real and tight to myself and
00:57:40
like a little janky like I feel like it like makes me feel like I'm still myself and it hasn't expanded in a way that
00:57:46
maybe people think it has and so I'm I'm proud of myself that I've kind of stayed
00:57:51
really grounded in who I am and why I started this and I'm gonna continue to
00:57:57
always be cognizant of like why I started this who I am and none of this [ __ ] actually matters like who gives a
00:58:03
[ __ ] about a purse like you could lose it like I want to have real relationships I want to be close with my
00:58:10
family I want to be respectful of people I'm around I want people to like
00:58:16
me I want to make people happy I want them to make me happy I want to have fulfilling Dynamics in my life that is
00:58:21
like the richest thing I think about me right now is like I've worked a lot of my relationships and I am finally I can
00:58:28
say to the point where like I'm happy in my life and that to me like there's no number you can put on that I don't give
00:58:35
a [ __ ] if they took that away from me tomorrow well spot if I don't obviously but like you know what I mean I'm like it's it's amazing but
00:58:42
I still feel like the same person back in Pennsylvania is there this is a conversation I've had
00:58:49
previously with one of the very successful um women on my podcast you built up an exceptional business is there a unique
00:58:56
Dynamic when a woman becomes incredibly successful as you have
00:59:01
in terms of her relationships with a man some of my girlfriends have often
00:59:07
said to me that they think men can often feel emasculated a little bit when their partner is incredibly successful
00:59:14
yeah uh I remember the when I started call her daddy
00:59:20
um I was having a really hard time with dating just because as the show got bigger
00:59:29
yeah men were so insecure um but also that may have been because I
00:59:34
was the next morning talking about them on the show being like this is what his whatever looks like okay but no I I
00:59:40
really um struggled to find genuine relationships of
00:59:47
like again I still feel like the like awkward girl that like still at
00:59:54
times looks in the mirror and I'm like hyper fixating on certain things about myself like I'm still insecure so like
01:00:00
yes I'm to call her daddy girl but I'm also Alex from Newtown Pennsylvania that
01:00:06
was bullied and awkward and insecure and like hated everything about herself so like I always wanted them to know that
01:00:13
version of me that's worked on myself to have self-love to respect myself like that version is who I want them to love
01:00:20
but you also have to love my job and respect it and and appreciate that this
01:00:26
is my passion my partner now I remember meeting him and I was like oh he's the one because
01:00:33
he's so successful in his own right and the amount of times that he's been like
01:00:40
you could stop all this tomorrow I would love you but you are so talented it's like the hottest thing about you like
01:00:46
when you start talking about your job I like melt for you because you're so engaged and passionate and excited and I
01:00:53
love how passionate you are it makes me so happy to be your partner that I can watch you live out your dreams and
01:01:00
I was like okay you passed the test like but but it's hard like I think if you're
01:01:05
in a relationship it's not to say that you there's going
01:01:11
to be moments where your partner's down you're up financially um where they're at in their career
01:01:16
their status like if you just got a promotion your partner just got fired like that's gonna happen but overall
01:01:23
respect was a huge thing for me where this means more to me than anything and
01:01:30
I need someone that can respect that like I'm gonna choose a lot of times my
01:01:36
career in moments and I need you right now to ride with me on this wave of like maybe in 10 years it's not going to be
01:01:41
the same and my partner like was the this is the first partner I've ever had that is my
01:01:47
biggest cheerleader is you know we're potentially going to do some stuff um work-wise together
01:01:53
and he's like you be the face of it you do like I don't like this is you like this is like all you and it's so
01:02:00
refreshing to have someone have such an intact ego that when we're going to bed
01:02:06
at night it's like how was your day how was your day all the successes all the issues failures ups and downs we're like
01:02:13
we'll get through it together and that is I'm like it's allowed me to probably
01:02:18
be 10 times better at my job because I have a secure partner I have a really great relationship and now when I'm
01:02:24
showing up to work I'm feeling even more supportive than just being supported by myself and my immediate
01:02:30
family if your partner wasn't successful in his own right
01:02:36
do you think it would work I think you have to define success because
01:02:42
I actually had this conversation with him the other day it's not about
01:02:48
money it's about I couldn't be with someone
01:02:53
that wasn't passionate about something that didn't have their own sense of identity their own sense of drive and
01:03:01
want that doesn't work for me because I'm a very passionate person where like I I've
01:03:07
been on dates with guys where I'm like I get it like you're you don't feel when
01:03:12
I'm I'm like electric when I talk about my job and I think that's okay I think you I need someone that equally has
01:03:19
something in their life that they feel so driven and pulled by that it allows
01:03:24
two individuals to come and make a great couple but we got our own things and so
01:03:29
I don't give a [ __ ] if he's not making money if it's every single day he's waking up working for a non-profit and
01:03:35
is like I'm Gonna Change the World go off absolutely love that it's success
01:03:41
to me is more that like you're successful in working towards something that you're so passionate about that it
01:03:49
does consume you at times because I'm a workaholic and like I can't have someone that's like
01:03:56
I just want to chill like and there's nothing wrong with that I'm just a really aggressive [ __ ] and I'm
01:04:02
like I need to be working and I want to be fulfilled and I am fulfilled by my job so it doesn't have to be your job
01:04:08
but you have to be successful in life of what you're aiming towards
01:04:14
achieving you have to have some type of achievement some type of passion some type of purpose or else
01:04:19
We're not gonna have too much to talk about because I can't shut up so like yeah yeah even if it's like you're a
01:04:26
teacher you're a teacher and you love what you're doing you're changing these kids lives you're showing up amazing it
01:04:32
just you have to you have to have something because I've clearly got something and it's my baby and it's
01:04:38
called her daddy you've clearly got something that's for sure I told you a second ago that guests when
01:04:43
they leave here they write a question in the diary what we did because the conversations we
01:04:49
have here tend to lean more towards the vulnerable side of of people is we turn them into these little cards so you can
01:04:54
play at home and no one's ever seen the question who's written the question they don't know who's written them and they don't know what the questions are but
01:05:00
this box has a couple of questions and I've taken about 60 of them out but I've picked a couple for you okay so I'm
01:05:05
gonna slide it across the table all right Stephen here we go and I would like you to pick a question out of the
01:05:11
the conversation cards okay I might ask you to pick more than one so let's see how we get on okay
01:05:17
whichever one calls you oh my God I have two okay
01:05:25
what pain do you enjoy having what
01:05:33
um oh my God
01:05:39
you want to be demonetized on YouTube so just oh right YouTube oh I've cursed too many times no I know it's funny the
01:05:45
casting's fine the casting's fine I mean I'm I'm concerned about it
01:05:55
later than that no pun intended um YouTube
01:06:01
what pain do you enjoy having I think I've enjoyed the pain of
01:06:11
experiencing true love
01:06:16
I thought I was in love in the past I was in certain variations of whatever I could be capable of giving for love and
01:06:24
receiving for love but recently I've really experienced the painful moments
01:06:30
of loving someone going through
01:06:36
grief loss death with them going through moments of Disconnect moments of not
01:06:42
knowing if it was gonna work out like I felt such pain in moments but
01:06:48
also such happiness and joy that completely overrides the pain but I don't think I've ever experienced it the
01:06:55
way that I have with this partner in the beginning that it it was
01:07:00
painful to get to where we are now now I don't experience that pain with my partner but like it was
01:07:07
don't curse um you can curse it was a [ __ ] in the beginning to try to
01:07:13
align is this gonna work because we both knew it was there but we were at a little bit of different points in our
01:07:19
lives and I think the yeah I enjoy the pain of of love and like real
01:07:25
like once in a lifetime It Feels Like Love daddy gangs he'd be like you sappy [ __ ]
01:07:31
what we've lost I'm still here it's okay ask you to pick another card one more
01:07:38
absolutely I told you I would be here for five hours if you let me say like I will just
01:07:43
keep talking and we're flying back to London today
01:07:49
um oh do you think your younger self would be
01:07:54
proud look up to you now yeah
01:07:59
yeah I do which is so crazy if anything I wish I
01:08:04
could have shown my younger self in those really really dark moments like
01:08:10
[ __ ] you got this like look what you're about to do like just wait hang in there I think I would be so proud of myself
01:08:16
because I've stayed honest with myself I've stayed loyal to
01:08:22
what I've wanted and I've I've gone for it I've taken a lot of risks and I've
01:08:28
put myself out there which was not something I liked to do when I was younger so I think my younger self would
01:08:34
be like damn we did it that phone that I proverbiably slid you
01:08:40
earlier on I said to call your your ex business partner if you had 30 seconds if I slid you that phone now and I said
01:08:46
you can have a conversation with 8 10 12 year old Alex Cooper
01:08:54
and you can say anything to her and you've got 60 seconds to say it to her slide you the phone you call her what'd
01:09:01
you say I know right now it feels like there's no getting out of the pain I know you
01:09:07
feel so alone you feel unseen you feel unloved you feel unworthy but I promise
01:09:14
you every single thing you're going through right now is gonna build you into the person that you're going to be
01:09:20
so proud to be in the future and it's worth it hang in there ask for help you
01:09:26
don't have to do everything alone and I love you
01:09:35
in the Diary of a CEO we have hundreds of questions that have been left by our guests and we've put them
01:09:40
on these cards and on these cards you have the question that's been left in the diver CEO the
01:09:48
name of the person who wrote the question and if you turn it over there's a QR code if you scan that code you can
01:09:55
see which guest answered the question and watch the video of them answering it every time I've done this podcast and
01:10:01
every time we've asked the kind of questions we ask here I feel a tremendous sense of affinity to the guest and our aim with these cards is
01:10:07
that you can create that sense of connection through vulnerability at home with the people you love the most and I
01:10:14
have some good news for you as of today you can add your name to the waiting list to be the first in line to get your
01:10:20
own set of conversation cards at the conversationcards.com for you
01:10:30
exciting um you're launching a business aren't you I
01:10:36
can't I can tell and it's is it a product is it cosmetic what is it I think that tell me Kylie Jenner tell me
01:10:43
no you're gonna be on the Forbes I think it's gonna make a lot of sense um it's it's staying in my space it's
01:10:50
I'm never gonna be like I'm coming out with a water like it's like I'm never gonna do something people
01:10:57
like oh God she sold out it's within the next month I'll be launching something that
01:11:02
is just going to completely Elevate and expand the call her daddy brand
01:11:09
um everything that I'm passionate about that I've talked about today it's just expanding and it's gonna
01:11:15
allow call her daddy to live in so many new places and you're going to be able
01:11:20
to experience call her daddy and that brand and other things that I'm
01:11:26
passionate about you're going to be able to consume it and there's just going to be a lot more that you're going to be able to
01:11:33
watch and see you've achieved so much you know it's funny because when I was you know
01:11:38
thinking about this new Venture that you're going to be launching um something you said earlier was really thought provoking to me you talked about
01:11:44
how you've kind of just gotta ask the world and Executives and people that
01:11:49
you're meeting for what you want even if you don't really know it what you want that like idea of like
01:11:55
demanding from people what you want I think you said this when you spoke to Jay as well on his show um and it rang
01:12:01
rang a bell in my head somewhere because I'd heard someone a young member of my team say that they in some respects felt
01:12:08
like they're kind of Faking it but they needed to fake it to get the value that they deserve and I reflect on that I
01:12:13
think in the conversation with Jay you were talking about how women struggle with this more than men in business because because of that sort of
01:12:19
reluctance to or whatever how important do you think it is for people listening now that look up to you
01:12:24
for them to fake it before they make it or to you know like demand from the world what they want even if they don't
01:12:31
feel like they deserve it I think it's everything because I don't want you to be disingenuous with yourself but I also
01:12:38
want you to realize like confidence is a word that feels so like
01:12:44
oh just be confident it is so hard to be confident you can be confident in certain aspects of your life and very
01:12:50
unconfident in others you can be confident in your friendships but when you walk into work you're so unconfident or the complete opposite I would say
01:12:56
with business I've learned like if you know what you want that is
01:13:03
something you should be able to locate what do you want what do you or what do you at least
01:13:09
think you want what makes you happy what's what is a goal you can at least put on the map because if not then like
01:13:14
you take a little minute for yourself like come up with something then when you're walking into these rooms you can
01:13:19
allow that to kind of be your compass I know there's so many things for call her
01:13:25
daddy that I've wanted to do for so long and I know that my audience knows like I
01:13:30
have kept caller daddy in this bubble and it's almost like about to burst like I've just stayed with the podcast I have
01:13:35
my merch but like I don't do much I don't really do anything other than it so I think when I think about expanding
01:13:42
in my mind it needs to be so perfect but also I'm like but there's
01:13:48
so many opportunities what do I want to do you don't actually need to know exactly like the into the weeds of it
01:13:55
start having conversations leading with that Compass of this is what I know I want and ask people for help talk to
01:14:01
people like I've been having so many meetings that I'm like I hate meetings just let me go create but I've been
01:14:07
having so many meetings about what I'm about to be launching and there's been people that are able to
01:14:13
ask me questions that I wouldn't have been able to think about had I been at home thinking so it's like having
01:14:19
a compass of what you know you are driving towards and then opening it up
01:14:25
for discussion around people that have complete different ideas and mindsets and you will be able to find help but
01:14:30
sometimes I think we think we have to do it all on our own in business like don't let anyone know what you're up to it's
01:14:36
not there no one can actually take that away from you because whatever you're going to do is going to be unique to you but I do think I had a hard time asking
01:14:43
for help and now finally I'm having meetings with people that are so brilliant and they're allowing me to
01:14:48
think past what my brain was only able to see and now it's opened up a world so
01:14:54
anyone in business don't be afraid to even have like a hey can I pick your mind for like a little bit like let's go
01:15:00
to a coffee I just have like some questions I want to ask you all of a sudden you're gonna leave there and
01:15:05
you're gonna either know more about what you want to do or it could have completely spun you in a different direction either way you're going to
01:15:11
take something positive from it but I think a lot of times in business especially as women it's like like don't let anyone know what you're
01:15:18
doing like I think that's I think it's yes of course keep to close to the chest of
01:15:23
like an IP that you're working on that like someone can't steal and you haven't trademarked or something but like
01:15:28
open yourself up to other people helping you you don't have to do
01:15:33
it all on your own directionally then you're talking about the compass there directionally what does Alex Cooper want
01:15:41
I think I really am looking forward to doing what I always wanted to do
01:15:48
producing and directing I didn't intend to be an on-host Talent Let Me Be So
01:15:54
Clear I remember in college my professors were like you should be like a sports announcer and I was like No And
01:16:00
like nothing against sports announcers I just knew in my bones I was like I don't want to do that I don't want it like I
01:16:06
always wanted to be behind the camera then it just so happened that I'm in front of it and like I'm like oh I do like it but produce I'm like producing
01:16:13
myself as I'm talking right now like I'm naturally more of a producer than just like a talent so I think what I want to
01:16:19
be able to do is to explore past just the immediate producing of a podcast
01:16:25
what else can I produce [Music]
01:16:32
sounds like a media company or something or a studio
01:16:37
the Alex Cooper I don't know Steven
01:16:43
that was a long sip shark gold thing and keep drinking what's your next question
01:16:51
my next question comes from the book let's see what has been left for you the
01:16:58
guests never know who they're leaving it for what is one thing in your life that is
01:17:05
currently hindering your happiness and what will you do to rectify it
01:17:13
this is really weird but I actually was I had something
01:17:19
that was hindering my life a little bit and my happiness and I spent the whole
01:17:25
past weekend just trying to figure out like how do I
01:17:33
can I say this hmm there was something that I was not
01:17:39
someone in my life that was really bringing negativity to my life
01:17:47
and I've worked on boundaries with my therapist and then my therapist classic
01:17:53
line is like you've loved set a boundary and you hate to maintain it and I'm like [ __ ]
01:17:59
she's like you're so good at me like boundary and then a week later I'm like how's the boundary and you're like it's gone I'm like oh God so I finally for
01:18:07
the first time just kind of ended a relationship with um a friend
01:18:13
it was really just like negative and toxic and it just
01:18:18
was like why is I I felt that like weight that you're like oh my God I'm
01:18:24
waking up and thinking about this like this is so negative in my life and I I was able to kind of put an end
01:18:31
gracefully to a situation that clearly wasn't making either of us happy and I was so proud of myself because oh trust
01:18:38
me I was like replaying the conversation like practicing in front of my boyfriend like how do I say this like
01:18:43
confrontation to me I'd rather flip backwards and go into a different Stratosphere than have confrontation but
01:18:51
I was proud of myself because I was feeling really really icky about the situation and I
01:18:58
I had a conversation that was kind of beautiful and ended a really
01:19:03
toxic situation cheers
01:19:10
not easy not easy difficult conversations you know people ask me this question all
01:19:15
the time because I'm a podcaster they always say and I'm sure you get asked this so often that you're [ __ ] sick of it and you have a pre-written answer
01:19:21
but I but I'm just personally interested what it what to you now makes for a
01:19:26
perfect interview on your show like what are the core components of just a really great call her daddy interview what are
01:19:32
you looking for from the guest I'm looking for them first and foremost to
01:19:39
find um I told you before this I was like
01:19:44
someone I just recorded with was like everyone in the morning before I came and filmed with you was like do you want
01:19:50
a cocktail do you need a drink and the woman was like why do I need a cocktail like you're freaking me out like I think
01:19:55
call her Daddy has now set a standard of like we're gonna go there we're gonna have really open honest conversations so
01:20:01
I think I want people to come open-minded of I'm not trying to exploit you or exploit your life I'm actually in
01:20:07
long form trying to get to know you as a whole human being and that's why I really respect your show and you're so
01:20:13
good at what you do because you're just listening and you're trying to Pivot with them to understand who they are and
01:20:19
what makes them them so I think coming in open-minded is the first bit because I think there's a lot online
01:20:26
for call her daddy that people are like here we go like this is about to get wild I think the second thing is someone
01:20:34
that is willing to Express things that maybe they're not
01:20:42
even comfortable saying or they haven't even fully thought out because I feel like the show does a great job of
01:20:48
holding someone in a space of like we'll work through it like say it and then let's like backtrack and and I'm never
01:20:54
gonna let someone say something that's wild and then they're like I didn't give context like we'll get the context so I
01:21:00
think someone that's willing to just speak very frankly and openly I think
01:21:05
sometimes especially celebrities have been burned so many times in media that
01:21:11
they are really closed off and I actually think it does a disservice to them because then they come off
01:21:17
more rigid or or more unlikable or you know less authentic and so I think my
01:21:24
goal is always to have someone basically trust me which is wild I they
01:21:30
are meeting me usually for the first time ever when they sit down with me and I think that I've
01:21:36
been able somehow to gain this rapport with people in the first like two minutes before we actually start where I
01:21:43
think they feel like she's definitely not what I thought I think when you meet me in person it's very different than what you see online
01:21:49
I think people immediately soften and are like oh wait like
01:21:54
this feels different than what I expected and then I just ask that they trust me that I'm I'm really here to
01:22:00
have a really exciting and interesting conversation and I'm not trying to ruin
01:22:06
your life and we let's see where it goes um but most of the time when people then come and are vulnerable and open and are
01:22:13
willing to go there that's what makes the best episode we're all going through most of the same [ __ ] themes wise
01:22:20
different levels um but the human emotion is the human emotion I don't care if you're sitting
01:22:26
in one country or the other or it's all going to be different but it is all relatively similar that we can at least
01:22:33
be like I can kind of connect to that I can kind of connect that that's always the goal it's like just speak and I'll
01:22:39
do the job to wrap it in a bow to make sure that everyone feels somehow connected to this person where's your
01:22:45
line in terms of earlier on you said it took you a while to share with your audience that you had been bullied when
01:22:50
you were younger do you still have things now where you go I'm not quite ready
01:22:56
to share that yeah or I'm thinking about sharing this part of my life with with
01:23:02
my audience yeah I mean I've been like really open I
01:23:08
do think there's a couple things that I am only just keeping more close to the
01:23:13
chest because I want to formulate them with a little bit more insight than just
01:23:18
an immediate throw it up like I think that the podcasting is amazing because I can sit
01:23:25
for an hour and talk so I think it's a way more stimulating to hear someone
01:23:32
speak from in the first day that it happened to me I was dealing with this a month later I I felt like this so I I
01:23:40
think there's a couple things in my life that I'm just trying to experience a little bit more before I
01:23:46
speak on it anything off limits no
01:23:51
I am like I feel like I've said everything on the internet that now as I progress anytime I'm like should I say
01:23:57
that I'm like I've I really I don't know why but I'm very
01:24:04
unafraid to like you could ask me anything and I'm like I'll answer your question like there's never I don't have publicist with me like I don't I don't
01:24:11
really care foreign
01:24:21
I think um okay so the the question I'm going to ask you then seeing as you challenge me and this is my last
01:24:27
question to you is it's actually one of those cards in there it says I I reflected on it when I was picking the
01:24:32
cards that I wanted you to to to have it was um hook your arms are crossed
01:24:38
why did I say um slide me the card I'll show you which card it was it was all in here I thought
01:24:44
oh that's a that's an interesting one that's a doozy yeah this one's a real stitch up let me find the one it was
01:24:51
ah it's this one oh I'll put it back in there and I'll wrap
01:24:57
it up just so you can uncover it there you go it will be the first one there's anyone in there oh
01:25:07
oh no [Laughter]
01:25:14
tell me something you have never told anyone before
01:25:19
oh I'm gonna have to sit here for an hour and think about this I as you know I can never shut up so I'm pretty
01:25:25
open something I've never told anyone
01:25:31
oh my God
01:25:37
I don't know if this is gonna be anticlimactic but I would say that I don't think I ever
01:25:45
Express how as as great as everything I've been
01:25:53
talking about is like that
01:25:58
my career scares me at times like I don't think I've ever said that
01:26:04
out loud to anyone because I think I come off with like a lot of confidence and I'm I love what I do but like it it's scary in moments
01:26:13
um how do I explain this and like take this out of my brain
01:26:20
like we're we live one life we're here and I'm kind of like
01:26:26
this is what I chose to do and I'm 28 right now
01:26:32
it's a little scary to think of how publicly I've decided to live my
01:26:39
life and I try not to think about how scary it is
01:26:47
at times like because I don't think it's a very relatable thing to say like
01:26:53
when I'm producing my show I'm always like that doesn't sound relatable of like talking about like your comment
01:26:58
section like it's really [ __ ] scary how
01:27:04
much every week I just keep putting myself out there and I
01:27:13
it's almost like there's no time to stop and like Wonder like am I
01:27:18
is this what I should be doing or would I be happier doing something else like
01:27:25
because I am really happy but it's like this public world
01:27:32
isn't exactly what I wanted in terms of like producing content
01:27:38
you can do while not being a public-facing person um so I think I I
01:27:44
get it freaks me out sometimes and then I just try to not think about it because
01:27:49
I don't think just like anyone if you're if you're going through something like I can't
01:27:55
really explain the feelings maybe unless you're in the situation
01:28:00
which I know is like oh boo who you chose this but like it's really [ __ ] weird having millions of people
01:28:07
watching you listening to you taking your advice
01:28:13
lit like living out what you're telling them to do like sometimes I'm like oh
01:28:20
like am I doing it right like am I
01:28:27
I think social media like it's a little it's just a little
01:28:32
weird because I don't think it's natural so I just struggle sometimes with that
01:28:40
this is really [ __ ] scary like we're sitting here right now but it still
01:28:46
doesn't register me that so many people are gonna listen to this like I'm half blacking out in this interview but I'm
01:28:51
like oh [ __ ] and then like these are like my high thoughts always but I'm like the perception that people have of
01:28:58
me on the internet I'm like I kind of feel like that is who I am but like is that who I am like
01:29:04
you have to perform when you're in front of this microphone like I'm not talking all day
01:29:10
contrary to what I've said I'd never shut the [ __ ] up but like it just is a little unnatural and so it's scary to
01:29:19
reflect sometimes and be like have I taken this too far like
01:29:26
what am I doing and then the other side of me is like go like you're living your dream like get after it but I'm like but
01:29:32
like would it be better if all these people weren't watching and I picked something a little bit more behind the scenes
01:29:39
I don't know I'm I have to figure that out but it's it's scary as hell it's hard to undo
01:29:47
right because it's also intoxicating and it's addicting and
01:29:53
it's unrelenting every single week what's new episode what's new episode you put out one that people don't like
01:29:58
to guess that was [ __ ] what's your next one you're like oh my God oh my God and it's like not a normal job to have to be
01:30:05
like please please please give give give give oh my God be better be better get the next one like make it make sure it
01:30:10
has this many views get like you're literally like what like in bed at night I'm like what
01:30:17
is the next thing and so it's a little it's like thrilling
01:30:23
and exciting as hell as a Creator but also as a human being
01:30:29
it's scary how are you truly feeling right now in this moment or in life in
01:30:35
life um I'm really happy I really am like
01:30:41
probably the happiest I've ever been and I think that's probably why I'm able to be just so like all over the place open
01:30:48
right now because I love to though think about
01:30:53
what's next what am I doing um
01:30:58
but I feel very happy and if you would ask me that like
01:31:05
eight months ago I'd be like no so I'm happy I'm just
01:31:13
constantly in my head thinking like I can't stop it's like 2 A.M and I'm like
01:31:21
picking up my phone writing notes like um so I sometimes I'm like please stop
01:31:27
my brain never is like silent so I think that's where when I start having
01:31:33
conversations like this now I'm going to be home like huh whoa like this has given me a lot to
01:31:39
think about but um no I am really happy I just
01:31:44
this job is very [ __ ] weird so I'm
01:31:49
trying to figure it out I'm 28 I've been doing this for only four years publicly which it seems like it's been a lifetime
01:31:56
literally it feels like it's been I feel like I've been doing this my whole life and then to think of how big the show is
01:32:02
and how many millions of people are watching me every day and I'm like I've been doing this for four years
01:32:09
that is actually a really short amount of time but it feels so much longer than
01:32:14
it actually is so
01:32:20
whoo yeah well this is why this is why you're
01:32:25
brilliant isn't it that Obsession and with that Obsession comes the cost of the 2am
01:32:31
note section in the iPhone that's the cost of the Brilliance right and there's always a cost to our Brilliance but
01:32:36
thank you so much for the inspiration you've been an inspiration for me on this show when I'm trying to figure out which way to go and trying to take cues
01:32:42
on like why you know you've managed to build such an intense immense connection with your audience and um yeah I'm so
01:32:48
excited to see this production company launch the Alex Cooper Studios and your
01:32:54
movies and all of these things you're going to do in the future because they're gonna if they if they have the same principles as your current show
01:32:59
they're going to be equally as awesome and I'd love to invest in that if you're ever looking for an investor so oh yeah
01:33:04
no thank you so much Stephen like you are so talented at what you do and I don't think I've ever had a conversation
01:33:11
with cameras around this honest and I really appreciate whenever people are
01:33:17
getting vulnerable and talking about their feelings it does take a very specific type of human being for someone
01:33:23
to open up and I felt immediately comfortable with you and you're so talented so thank you for having me on
01:33:29
because this was a pleasure but now also I'm gonna be not stopping thinking about all the things I just said for the rest
01:33:35
of the weekend I'm like no thank you thank you thank you thank you so much
01:33:41
quick one as you guys know we're lucky enough to have blue jeans as a sponsor and supporter of this podcast for anyone
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