00:00:00
it is a Paramount importance that I find separation between me and the Persona of
00:00:06
Stevo why we have to go back to the beginning of my journey I didn't get attention from
00:00:13
my parents my dad was a businessman and my mom suffered from alcoholism my father would Praise You for stunts
00:00:19
diving head first for baseballs and he'd give one dollar I don't think you have to be Sigmund Freud to imagine that had
00:00:26
something to do with the coming and attention [ __ ] that was when I started doing dangerous stunts I'm Stevo and
00:00:33
this is the fish hook why stunts growing up I felt defective and the thought was
00:00:38
I wasn't gonna live very long so I was lashing out at death taunting it but I
00:00:44
lost my mom in 2003 and that traumatized me more than anything I'm out of control
00:00:50
broadcasting my downward spiral it's a 200 influential people in real time you
00:00:56
were man handled into a psych wood yeah this was gonna be my legacy and having miserably failed at life and the
00:01:03
toughest thing is that I wanted to make my mom proud
00:01:12
Stephen Gilchrist Glover AKA Stevo
00:01:17
honesty honesty saved Stevo's life but the man that sits in front of me today
00:01:24
isn't Stevo it is Stephen Gilchrist Glover which is a man you've probably
00:01:29
never met before but once you meet Stephen Gilchrist Glover you'll undoubtedly understand Stevo that guy
00:01:37
that we grew up with on our screens doing those crazy jackass stunts that behind the scenes struggled with a deep
00:01:44
discomfort of being in his own skin depression drug addiction
00:01:50
existential panic and obsession with attention crippling grief and most surprisingly
00:01:57
and paradoxically of all a deep deep fear of death it absolutely doesn't appear to make sense but once you listen
00:02:04
to this conversation if you listen closely you'll understand exactly why that's driving him this conversation
00:02:10
will make you laugh it will inspire you it will motivate you it will challenge you it will make you feel understood and
00:02:17
it will teach you what it takes and what it means to live a good life including the role that romantic love has played
00:02:24
in Stevo finally living a good life and for me it reaffirms to me once again
00:02:30
that in order to live that good life in order to find that good life we need to surrender stop fighting life
00:02:37
and we need to be honest and once we are we might just find all of the things
00:02:42
that we're looking for you're gonna love this one [Music]
00:02:50
Stephen [Music] all right you've lived a
00:02:56
anomalous life the man that sits before me today is an anomaly in many respects the
00:03:03
professional path you've walked is extraordinary to say the least in order
00:03:09
to understand you what do I need to understand about your your earliest context to understand who
00:03:15
you are and why you walk to the path you did in your life what's the first sort of domino that that I need to understand
00:03:23
I would point to my uh lineage
00:03:30
my mom's side of the family is uh
00:03:35
like the whole family tree every leaf on the tree suffered from alcoholism some
00:03:42
form of addiction um and then at the same time Barry
00:03:48
uh personable um charismatic individuals but just very
00:03:55
alcoholic and a lot of deviants then my dad's side of the family
00:04:01
is uh super academic um there's a lot of
00:04:08
theologians clergy men everybody's got at least like a master's degree or a PhD
00:04:16
or you know highly decorated Academia and my dad broke the mold by
00:04:22
becoming a businessman um so I just kind of think that
00:04:30
I am a little bit of a hybrid of both in that I definitely
00:04:37
went towards deviance and suffered from alcoholism but I had this
00:04:42
rocket engine on it from my dad's side of the family and as I've grown older I think my
00:04:50
uh I'm I'm kind of manifest my dad's side
00:04:55
more than my mom's side before we start recording I said that one of the things that really surprised me was sat in London now was to learn
00:05:03
that you were born in London back in 1974 yeah born in Wimbledon
00:05:09
um which makes me British my mother was born in Canada which makes
00:05:14
me Canadian and my father was born in America which makes me American I'm what
00:05:19
you call Triple National and I hold three valid passports
00:05:25
I'm very jealous it's cool like having the keys to the to the world in many respects
00:05:31
how did that impact you though because you told me that you were you born here your first words was in Portuguese in
00:05:37
Brazil and you're in Venezuela then Canada then the USA as a young child that's figuring out the world and
00:05:45
figuring out where he belongs and making friends how does that sort of destabilization impact impact you in
00:05:50
hindsight I don't think you have to be Sigmund Freud to imagine that uh
00:05:57
that had something to do with me becoming an attention [ __ ] and um I
00:06:02
think that it's actually exacerbated by the fact that when I moved to Brazil at the age of six months
00:06:11
um I moved to Brazil because my father became the president of Pepsi Cola in
00:06:17
all of Brazil and it was just kind of
00:06:22
living it up you know I think that's the best way to describe it and
00:06:27
I didn't get much attention from my parents I was actually raised by living
00:06:33
Maids which is why I spoke my first words in Portuguese
00:06:39
so I think I was lacking for some attention from my parents and
00:06:44
I think that that has something to do plus the instability and and always being the new kid in
00:06:51
school it was I never stayed one place for more than a couple years
00:06:58
um so yeah I uh I I point to that for why I became such an
00:07:05
attention [ __ ] the the contacts that you you raised in your mother's at home your dad's very very busy very successful businessman by
00:07:13
all accounts yeah not just busy but traveling okay my dad was consistently
00:07:19
gone I would argue that he was gone more than he was home
00:07:24
and and mom was drunk um a lot so I had um
00:07:31
not just uh lacking attention but lacking supervision a lot of the time too
00:07:39
in 2023 we've learned a lot about addiction and alcoholism and those kinds of things but I I imagine I mean I
00:07:45
wasn't alive then but back in 1974 people didn't understand that behavior
00:07:50
as clearly as they do now did you understand your mother's behavior when you were young did you understand her
00:07:56
relationship with alcohol was a uh an unhealthy thing or an addiction I
00:08:02
think so yeah um I think so because I remember
00:08:09
um she would have these these binges drinking
00:08:14
um where it it wouldn't be the case that my mom
00:08:20
would get drunk at night and then wake up and you know have a hangover and and
00:08:26
then get drunk again the next night it was more of a case where she would stay drunk for for days or weeks on end
00:08:35
how old sorry oh um like it got really pretty crazy I would say when I was
00:08:43
about eight certainly when I was nine it was it was terrible and um
00:08:51
whenever my mom would would sober up from one of her binges she would swear
00:08:57
that she was never gonna drink again and invariably she would and and I I say
00:09:02
this because I think I really really understood the concept of the disease of
00:09:09
alcoholism very well because when I would come home from school and find
00:09:14
that my mom was drinking I would I would say to her you know Mommy said you were never going to do
00:09:21
this again and she would explain to me that this time it was going to be different this time she was only going
00:09:27
to have a couple and I remember knowing that that was not the case and that's
00:09:33
kind of the the reality of alcoholism is that the alcoholic once they start drinking they cannot stop they've lost
00:09:41
control and and that it's it's a characteristic of
00:09:47
alcoholics the idea that that they the illusion that one day they're gonna
00:09:52
control and enjoy their drinking and and uh and they pursue this illusion
00:10:00
the into the gates of insanity or death that's that's uh how it's described and
00:10:05
I understood that so I knew if mom had one drink I knew that all bets were off for days or weeks
00:10:12
you know you talked about lineage like yeah the family line yeah what is what
00:10:18
is that then is that is that a predisposition is that a genetic predisposition your viewer is that a
00:10:23
a a generational trauma you know did you have you ever figured out what causes
00:10:30
that I understand there to be a genetic component to the alcoholism
00:10:35
um I don't know that it really matters um as much like like why one becomes
00:10:41
alcoholic but um certainly as I said on my mom's side of the the family it never skipped a generation
00:10:50
I mean it got everybody and then sanity of it I mean one could really describe it as
00:10:57
as a mental illness I mean they they do say it's a disease that's
00:11:03
centered in the mind um for me to see and experience what I did
00:11:11
as a child like just how how awful it got and then
00:11:19
for me to just pick up a drink is is so is so insane I mean if if anybody should
00:11:27
have known better it should have been me and I remember at the time like 16 years old when I when I
00:11:35
started drinking regularly I just uh convinced myself that what
00:11:40
would make me different is that I was gonna enjoy it I was gonna where I was gonna party
00:11:46
and uh it's just insanity but that that speaks to the nature of
00:11:52
the addiction and the disease though because people's people that are outside of that situation might see it as
00:11:58
um self-destructive but clearly you know clearly it's it can't be that it's
00:12:03
clearly something else because you saw how destructive it was right and yet
00:12:09
it's still through no choice you made to an intention you made it it
00:12:14
managed to to find you later in life did what your father in this context is he
00:12:19
aware that your mother's has this disease of addiction with alcohol um Mom would really do her best to get
00:12:27
her act together by the time Dad got home from his business trips
00:12:33
um and with very little success I would say when Dad
00:12:39
would get back Mom would describe that that she was ill and and and dad would believe it a lot
00:12:46
of the time I think Dad I mean yeah he knew but uh but the
00:12:52
extent of it and um how naive he was to to believe that Mom just wasn't feeling
00:12:57
well or did he did he I don't know I mean we we would describe it as
00:13:04
rose-colored glasses um I don't know and and perhaps dad was
00:13:11
just so focused on his stuff that man I don't even know it would be crazy to not
00:13:17
know but somehow I believe that my dad was
00:13:23
particularly naive or or gullible or I I'm not sure but
00:13:30
sometimes I think men have a predisposition to avoid conflict
00:13:36
yeah and to opt for an easy life right I think that that that's probably
00:13:42
Fair too but man it's um it makes me really sad that uh
00:13:51
that that I lost my mom yeah I lost my mom in in 2003.
00:13:58
um November of 2003 and um
00:14:03
I just like I think had we both um been in recovery I don't think
00:14:10
anybody from my mom's side of the family ever managed to achieve long-term sobriety I think I'm the first
00:14:17
and it's just I fantasize about what it would be like to
00:14:23
from my mom and I to have both gotten you know gotten it
00:14:29
well like what our relationship would be like she would get such a kick out of it I
00:14:34
think that she would have gotten such a kick out of um me being successful
00:14:41
and she didn't get to see it you know she never well because jackass had just started to move
00:14:48
at that point hadn't it well the thing was that her last five years she
00:14:54
um was the terribly
00:15:00
disabled both physically and mentally because in 1998 she suffered an aneurysm
00:15:09
which let which yeah it um
00:15:14
rendered her very very disabled so the last five
00:15:21
years it she didn't
00:15:27
she had a really rough last five years and and that
00:15:32
um traumatized me more than anything she developed bed sores
00:15:37
she uh cried in pain for for her last five years it was
00:15:44
the most upsetting the more the by far the most traumatized I've ever
00:15:49
been by anything was the situation that my mom was in for her last five years
00:15:55
and um yeah and it's all because of this
00:16:00
this uh this thing this alcoholism and and had again like
00:16:08
had she been been in recovery had that not happened had like we I just again I
00:16:15
fantasized about what our relationship might be like today but yeah that started us off on a bummer
00:16:22
yeah yeah it's it's really interesting context though specifically this you know you said the thing about attention
00:16:28
and seeking attention from um in a variety of different ways because you were destabilized in terms
00:16:33
of your school early schooling life your father's not present I I read that you'd said that um
00:16:39
you wanted your father's approval and as a child your father would Praise You for physical stunts such as yeah diving head
00:16:45
first um for baseballs or doing push-ups for your fathers and his friends I would do a
00:16:52
hundred push-ups in a row for his buddies and he'd give me like one dollar
00:17:00
and that everybody got a kick out of that I love doing it
00:17:05
and uh I don't think they were terribly impressive push-ups because hundreds a lot
00:17:11
but um but yeah I I was a little bit of a of a performer at my dad's best I think
00:17:18
there's This Thing Called Love Languages have you ever seen it before have you ever done the love languages test thing no it's this thing you do online and I
00:17:25
think it's pretty telling I'm not into like pseudo [ __ ] whatever but I think it's pretty telling and it basically you answer these like 30 40
00:17:32
questions and it tells you the language of love that you have so some people are words of affirmation that's how they
00:17:38
kind of show and receive love some people are physical touch some people are little acts of service some people
00:17:43
are gifts for example and it was making me when I was reading that in your in your book I was thinking about how
00:17:49
like that can become a love language for us and it's funny because then I skipped to this moment later in your story where
00:17:54
you had a heartbreak and the way that you responded to the Heartbreak to try and get attention was by doing stunts
00:18:01
yeah and I just saw this connection there and I thought you know it's interesting some of our love languages can be like stunts or sure or other
00:18:09
forms of like validation uh-huh it's an interesting take on it I
00:18:16
remember um at the point when I had the Heartbreak and that was when I when I really
00:18:22
started doing dangerous stunts um it was less for well yeah it was for
00:18:29
attention and I wanted this this girl who had dumped me to uh to be
00:18:37
worried that I would die I got I mean it's crazy but yeah I was
00:18:44
like I was jumping off rooftops into pools and and you know climbing off of
00:18:51
like just huge balconies and stuff and um and sending her the videos or just
00:18:57
posting them questions um at the time there was no such thing as sending videos without going to the
00:19:02
post office but yeah I would send her in amount of videos
00:19:08
from the post-ops I would mail them to her like once a year and and the videos genuinely did get
00:19:15
ratter and ratter yeah each new installment it was uh it
00:19:22
was yeah it was crazy if I'd asked you when you were a young man in your teenagers what are you going to be when you grow up what would you have
00:19:28
responded ah man the first
00:19:33
actual thought I had for a career to pursue was
00:19:40
um one in advertising you know um my father had won a video
00:19:47
camera in a golf tournament and I stole it from his closet and began
00:19:53
videotaping my skateboarding with my buddies and I learned how to edit by plugging these video cassette recorders
00:20:01
together and I would hit play on one and record on the other to just record the
00:20:07
good bits and and it was crude editing not sophisticated um but uh I fell in love with the
00:20:14
process and clearly I wasn't that great at skateboarding so um I just thought there's something
00:20:21
about this uh capturing video and then editing it
00:20:28
to you know I mean create presentations and
00:20:33
ultimately to manipulate the video to create influence
00:20:42
you know there was just something really magical and Powerful about that and um I
00:20:47
I thought that that would be a great career for me and so I went off to the
00:20:54
University of Miami to pursue that but I just had trouble making it to class so
00:21:00
I had graduating from University was not in the cards
00:21:05
and I I knew I still loved the video camera and you know manipulating images
00:21:11
to to sway people one way or the other and um I decided that since I wasn't
00:21:16
that great at skateboarding that I would do crazy stunts and so I literally dropped out of
00:21:23
University in 1993. to pursue a career as
00:21:31
a crazy famous stunt man and there was no precedent at the time
00:21:36
everybody who I explained that plan to legitimately felt sorry for me like what
00:21:43
a tragic loser I I seemed to be and they weren't wrong for the first uh three
00:21:51
years after I left the University of Miami I was genuinely homeless
00:21:57
I was um more of a couch Surfer than in a a guy
00:22:04
living on the streets um but yeah I had no home man and um I
00:22:09
was not doing well quick one before we get back to this episode just give me 30 seconds of your time
00:22:14
two things I wanted to say the first thing is a huge thank you for listening and tuning in to the show week after
00:22:20
week means the world to all of us and this really is a dream that we absolutely never had and couldn't have imagined getting to this place
00:22:26
secondly it's a dream where we feel like we're only just getting started and if you enjoy what we do here please join
00:22:33
the 24 of people who watch this channel regularly and have hit the Subscribe button means more than I can say and if
00:22:40
you hit that subscribe button here's a promise I'm going to make to you I'm going to do everything in my power to
00:22:45
make this show as good as I can now and into the future we're going to deliver the guests that you want me to speak to
00:22:51
and we're going to continue to keep doing all of the things you love about the show thank you thank you so much back to the
00:22:57
episode there's so many things that I want to ask this question because I just really want to hear it in your own words which is like and I'm trying to maybe
00:23:04
piece it together using some connected dots but why stunts I have a theory that um
00:23:13
the the The Human Condition is one of uh
00:23:19
a real catch 22. we've got one instinct which is to survive and one guarantee
00:23:26
which is we won't survive and and I view the Human Experience
00:23:31
largely as an exercise to come to terms
00:23:37
with our mortality to wrap our heads around it to become to come to peace
00:23:42
with it and um I I view the different ways that people
00:23:48
do that um you know there's there's reproduction we have children
00:23:54
so then I think that eases people's mind about their
00:24:00
mortality because they're they have a legacy living on with their children that they won't really be dead then of
00:24:06
course people turn to religion because they think everything's gonna be great when they go to heaven
00:24:12
and and then there's people who leave stuff behind to outlive them you know
00:24:18
like cavemen scrawling stick figures on the on the cave it it seems that they
00:24:24
were just like I described really upset about their mortality and and leaving
00:24:30
this art on the cave walls to outlive them because I had failed in in the
00:24:37
university the way the way I did I mean I failed every which way that you can and every attempt that I had ever had to
00:24:45
be employed ended in disaster I was fired from literally every job that I ever had so
00:24:53
not being able to make it through school or keep a job I felt absolutely
00:25:02
just not qualified to navigate the world I I
00:25:09
believed that I was going to fail at life like badly and and
00:25:18
quickly and um I think that this idea that
00:25:23
that I would that I believed that I was just gonna fail at life and die very
00:25:28
young I think that it heightened my my mortality issues because even
00:25:36
though you know I was I was young but like man I think I was
00:25:42
somehow angry at the idea of of death and and my theory is that I was uh I was
00:25:50
lashing out at death by by climbing off of balconies and and just dangling from
00:25:56
my hands off like 12 stories and then letting go and
00:26:03
dropping onto the balcony below like that was totally life-threatening especially how
00:26:10
intoxicated I was while doing that and um you know I'd like like I said I wanted
00:26:16
that girl who dumped me to think I was gonna die like there was this this this idea of mortality was was very
00:26:27
woven into all of uh the art and so I
00:26:33
think that I would I was I was upset about mortality and and lashing out at it I
00:26:41
was mocking death taunting it why you because that is I understand at a
00:26:47
certain level we all probably have that relationship with our mortality but you seem to more than anyone I've ever
00:26:52
spoken to have had a more close and adverse relationship with the
00:26:59
concept of mortality the concept of death like you seem to the way the way that I'd word it plainly is like you
00:27:04
seem to have the biggest problem with death then anyone I've met all right why
00:27:10
um I think about it and I've always thought about it since you were young I'd say so
00:27:17
yeah I would I would absolutely say that I I seem to recall
00:27:23
being quite Young I I wouldn't know an age but quite young
00:27:29
and and being in the bathtub just for some reason I was thinking
00:27:34
about it's going to be the year 2000 and and like we weren't really anywhere near the
00:27:40
year 2000 um but just kind of doing math in my head trying to calculate how old I would
00:27:48
be at the turn of the millennium and I came to uh
00:27:55
25 I'll be 25 years old and and the thought was I'll never live that long
00:28:03
no I'll never make it that way that um and then again I don't know how old I
00:28:10
was but I was definitely a child when I had that thought and um
00:28:16
and and the the older I got the more convinced I was and that that
00:28:23
um I wasn't gonna live very long and and perhaps you know that's you know
00:28:31
another manifestation of of my alcoholism but I
00:28:37
think that I think that really to describe alcohol alcoholism
00:28:43
there's there's a like I felt defective you know I felt like there was just
00:28:49
something wrong with me that uh things weren't gonna work you know and I think that that that
00:28:57
to some extent is a a characteristic of alcoholism for
00:29:03
a lot of Alcoholics I feel like just uncomfortable in your own skin they
00:29:09
describe it as Restless irritable and discontented um
00:29:15
defective is a word that really resonates with me
00:29:20
does that ever subside oh tough one because um
00:29:27
I don't think so I mean to an extent yeah I I'm definitely better with all
00:29:35
that now like what but at the same time it doesn't go away I
00:29:41
think that it it improves and and you know fluctuates and
00:29:48
but um what doesn't go away is this this default setting I have that everything's
00:29:54
not going to be okay you know I live in this Perpetual state of of terrible anxiety and stress that
00:30:02
just things are not going to be okay and I've got to just hurry up and frantically work and hustle to try to
00:30:11
make it so everything will be okay I'm not surprised to hear that because
00:30:16
it is the story I've heard over and over and over and over and over again okay okay yeah and it surprises me because
00:30:23
when before I started doing this podcast and having these conversations I assumed that you know something you know have a
00:30:30
certain upbringing childhood you're programmed in a certain way you go to therapy and it's fixed yeah and it's
00:30:36
actually been I've I asked the question purely because I've never heard anyone say anything other than what you've said
00:30:42
right so you know and I think it's actually helpful because it helps people know that they're not their their
00:30:49
efforts to heal in whatever context that they've tried to heal um doesn't make them inadequate it makes
00:30:55
them very much human that you know the way that we're we're programmed in hardwired because of whatever reasons
00:31:01
you know it is um it is it is not something that is easy
00:31:06
or in many cases possible just a therapy away or to prescription away and I think
00:31:12
that makes people a lot of people feel better and and what's crazy too is that
00:31:19
I think and I'm fascinated that they said this is something they've heard many times and I've never not heard it
00:31:26
right um and and I would also guess that for
00:31:31
all of the the successful people that you've spoken with that they would describe having been much more at peace
00:31:38
much much more Serenity much more happiness
00:31:43
before they were successful yeah yeah and um and it's so counter-intuitive to
00:31:51
imagine that that's the case but um there's one saying that I think
00:31:57
really explains it to a degree
00:32:03
which is that this is the saying um a man who has nothing
00:32:08
only has to worry about his next meal but a man who has everything worries
00:32:14
about his last meal yes and that that messaged me up man
00:32:21
that messes me up big time because if you're just focused on the next meal then you're in the moment life's you
00:32:28
know pretty pretty simple it's not too much of a task to to accomplish finding your next meal
00:32:35
but once you've got your next meal covered and then it's like all right and then I've I've saved up some money my
00:32:42
I'm good my next meals are set for the for the next year and but then now you're thinking how
00:32:48
long am I set for and once you start thinking how long am I set for
00:32:55
that then life gets really scary when because you're not in the moment and you're you're future tripping and
00:33:01
everything isn't going to be okay and then and and what's even crazier is that
00:33:08
I understand that there's been studies about
00:33:14
um Financial Security and it's people who have upwards of
00:33:20
10 million dollars net worth who who find themselves feeling
00:33:28
considerably more financially insecure than than anybody who has less the more
00:33:35
money you have the more financially insecure you feel the study that I read
00:33:41
about this it says that um they interviewed people all the way up the wealth income spectrum and they asked
00:33:46
them the question how much money how um how happy you out of 10 and then they ask them the second question which is how much money would you need to be 10
00:33:53
out of 10 happy and all the way up the wealth Spectrum people said three times currently what they have now so
00:33:58
millionaires said they needed three million people with 10 million said they needed 30 to be a 10 out of 10 happiness
00:34:04
and people with 100 cases they needed 300K which speaks to this sort of like hedonic endless treadmill and increasing
00:34:13
anxiety right and and um also studies are pretty clear that
00:34:20
um happiness will increase up to okay based
00:34:26
on it's like 75k yes household yeah I think that that number is just going up with inflation I understood it to be
00:34:32
like sixty thousand sixty thousand a year and then you've got all of your needs met and then after that more money
00:34:38
doesn't really equate to more happiness and also to your point about the the Panic of like losing it I think that's a
00:34:46
an issue for people that came from nothing predominantly so if you've always had this Financial
00:34:52
Security growing up and you're you're you know you were I don't know extremely wealthy or and you've been wealthy I
00:34:57
think people tend to have less of a fear of going of losing it all and you also never seem to have the guilt I sit here
00:35:04
with people and they speak to this success guilt they have I hear that a lot and it's
00:35:09
typically people that have felt sleeping on a sofa that have the kind of even
00:35:15
when they become successful they feel like they don't deserve it to some degree and I've read that a little bit in your story in your book right it's
00:35:21
interesting because I I grew up very privileged you know my uh
00:35:27
my my father didn't grow up with privilege as I said he broke the mold
00:35:33
becoming a businessman it became like my mom didn't marry a rich guy my
00:35:40
Mom married a motivated guy who who became quite wealthy um
00:35:46
I had privileged guilt when I was a kid I was
00:35:51
I was like quite ashamed of um of how wealthy my
00:35:59
parents were sure and and I don't understand why that
00:36:05
is but um in whose eyes and like I I I was uh self-conscious about about
00:36:12
um how my peers viewed me at school um As I Grew Older
00:36:18
the the homes that we lived in each move to each you know
00:36:25
represented a bigger house you know it became a little bit obnoxious but by the
00:36:32
end um when I was uh attending High School
00:36:38
um here in London I went to the American school in St johnswood and I lived directly across the street
00:36:45
from Regents Park on Prince Albert Road oh wow in this I mean it was a just
00:36:52
gaudy obnoxiously huge house and um I never wanted kids from school to see it
00:36:58
so um I uh you know then we would have like
00:37:04
overnight when you're a kid I wouldn't have kids spend the night at my house I
00:37:09
was always overnighted at someone else's house and um for me to ride my
00:37:16
skateboard to to school you know took a certain amount of time and if I if I
00:37:21
would oversleep I would ride with my dad my dad was chauffeur driven to work and
00:37:28
and he would uh be reading his newspaper in the back seat and and whenever I
00:37:34
overslept and I had to ride with my dad the chauffeur would pull up to the school
00:37:40
and as I got out of the car I would hug the chauffeur
00:37:45
yeah like just trying to create the impression that I was just embarrassed my dad was in the back seat like uh
00:37:52
being chauffeured around I I don't know what that is um wanting to fit in is every I was the
00:37:58
opposite okay in every respect no one came to my house because it was like it was the windows were smashed and the
00:38:04
grass was six foot high um so everything you described was me but the opposite for opposite reasons I
00:38:09
would pray that the traffic lights near our school would stop go turn red which meant that I could get out of the like
00:38:15
this beat up Van we drove in as far from school as possible yeah where's your hug
00:38:21
in the show right it's really interesting too like I
00:38:26
I went to a super privileged school too I mean like uh I attended school with
00:38:32
the son of the American ambassador to to the UK like I was like my my best friend
00:38:39
was this kid Abdullah his father was like a crazy like oil tycoon and uh when
00:38:46
I when I when I was in for me fifth and sixth grade I was in
00:38:53
London England at that time too same school and my father was I'm not even quite
00:39:00
sure what his job position was but the word for Del Monte the canned fruits and
00:39:05
he had to um uh you know like the all the pie there's a pineapple Factory in
00:39:12
Kenya that had had to go visit this pineapple Factory
00:39:18
I want to say maybe once a year and so he planned the trip his trip to the
00:39:25
pineapple Factory in Kenya to coincide with uh our our spring break the one week off
00:39:34
from from school so that he could take the family on Safari
00:39:40
and I have this crazy memory of coming out of the airport in Nairobi
00:39:46
being ushered into some chauffeur-driven car I was remembered as a stretch limo
00:39:53
my dad says no we didn't have it but whatever ushered into a chauffeur-driven car out
00:39:58
of the airport and um and it's sitting in the back of this car and these these just it was my first
00:40:06
time seeing poverty like real poverty and these people were were clawing at
00:40:13
the windows begging and I'm just sitting in this car and and just thinking what
00:40:18
did I ever do to deserve to be like I'm not a good kid you know like I I'm just always in
00:40:25
trouble like I don't do just like again feeling defective you know like and it
00:40:32
was I really wasn't a good kid I mean I was always in trouble everything was just a disaster with me and here I am
00:40:38
inside the car that's being clawed at by these people who are barely clothed you
00:40:44
know and just clearly desperate and um that like that was a moment where I felt
00:40:51
genuinely guilty you know I had a priv privileged guilt you know and that's
00:40:57
that's worse than success guilt because you know and again I did everything wrong I was
00:41:05
always in trouble got terrible grades and my sister who was who is three and a half years
00:41:11
older than me she did everything right got straight A's the the just did
00:41:17
everything perfect somehow uh along the way
00:41:24
like my like my sister um went into a low earning career she
00:41:32
was a school teacher which is notoriously underpaid especially for how
00:41:37
important of a job that is um with the singer became a single mom
00:41:43
with uh special needs kid and and low earning and then like
00:41:53
struggles you know like like life is hard for my sister and and like somehow
00:41:58
me the guy who just did everything wrong and then goes on to have this
00:42:04
stupid career and everything works out great for me so when you said success
00:42:11
guilt I feel that I feel like like what why
00:42:17
you know why did everything work out great for me and my sister's having a tough time
00:42:22
and I struggle with that too I actually um
00:42:28
I uh I I I have it I've always called it kind of survivor's guilt but but yeah
00:42:34
success guilt same thing you your mother had a brain aneurysm in
00:42:40
98. you said um Jackass the pilot was in 99 yep a
00:42:46
year later yeah you describe how your mother was ill for for roughly five years before she passed away and she was
00:42:52
um just disabled you're very busy with jackass at that time how do you do you deal did you did you
00:42:59
cope with it because it doesn't seem to me that there's any anyone in your life really at that point or any experience
00:43:04
that's going to help you deal with the concept of grief and loss right how did you cope with it if you did it all um
00:43:12
my parents divorced in 1991. I graduated from the American School
00:43:18
here in London the American School in London and St John's word in 1992
00:43:24
I went off to the University of Miami um the right around the time when I went
00:43:30
to the University of Miami my mom moved to Florida as well
00:43:36
then on that fateful day of October 10th 1998 we received word that
00:43:45
mom had this brain aneurysm my sister and I flew to Florida from New Mexico
00:43:52
my dad flew to Florida from England we all congregated around
00:43:58
this this crisis with my mom at one point we went to a nearby
00:44:05
restaurant to get a meal I went outside to smoke a cigarette
00:44:11
and my dad came outside and initiated his conversation he says I've been I
00:44:17
want to tell you that I feel I've done a disservice to you by not supporting you
00:44:24
in this path that you've chosen my my path to be a crazy famous stunt man
00:44:31
he said I said I chose a path that my father you know dad broke the mold
00:44:38
becoming a businessman the idea of that was pretty repugnant to his father
00:44:43
and and he said that his father had the same conversation if we chose something
00:44:50
that I would not have chosen for you but you're clearly committed to it and so I just want you to be the best and you
00:44:57
know be the happiest and I'd pledge to support you and I'm thinking man like it's tough because I'm a loser you know
00:45:04
like the whole thing going on with my mom was It was kind of prevalent but this the side
00:45:12
conversation like I just felt like wow you know like now dad supports me and
00:45:17
I I I just did I didn't feel very very hopeful I don't think at that time but
00:45:22
it put a lot of wind in my cells so the next year
00:45:30
I saw this advert on television for a show called real TV
00:45:36
where they're saying if you got if you have video home video footage that's crazy and you think that we
00:45:43
should have it on our show then call this number and I called the number and sent them my videotape and they wanted
00:45:49
it and uh and dad helped me negotiate the the license deal with them
00:45:56
and uh and it was meaningful you know this pursuit of becoming a crazy famous
00:46:03
stunt man had made my father and I as far apart as as you know it really really made us not
00:46:12
our relationships suffer and then ultimately it would bring us together
00:46:19
and today my dad is 80 years old been retired forever
00:46:26
but he's come out of retirement and he's on my payroll
00:46:31
he uh manages like all kinds of uh business stuff for me all my insurance
00:46:38
stuff like and um
00:46:43
it's crazy it's Insanity that that that just again what what drove us so far
00:46:51
apart brought us so close together and that Catalyst moment was your mother's brain aneurysm really it was
00:46:58
that conversation might not have happened and then it it it was and now now you pointed to
00:47:04
when jackass chart I wouldn't just well okay
00:47:10
um my sister and I both moved from New Mexico
00:47:17
to Florida to be with your mom to be with my mom yeah and my sister
00:47:24
naturally assumed the role of of caregiver for my mom and um I got this
00:47:31
opportunity to go uh be a circus clown on cruise ships
00:47:38
and it just made sense for me to do that you know like um I think that my overall
00:47:45
attitude in particularly like even going off to work on cruise ships and then with you
00:47:51
know with with jackass I don't think that I had any level of
00:47:59
like guilt about it I think that my my attitude about pursuing
00:48:07
my own career and to be you know with jackass and everything else
00:48:13
my attitude was that rather than let this aneurysm destroy
00:48:21
everything that I've I've really strongly wanted to get out there and
00:48:26
really make something of myself and that that would be the way to honor my mom more
00:48:32
and and make my mom proud that way people doing and often appreciate how
00:48:38
difficult it is for everybody around the individual that's that's sick and I've again I've learned that from doing this
00:48:44
having this conversation about just how sort of debilitating and difficult it is for everyone around the
00:48:49
individual especially when they're in a situation where they become disabled and your mother's situation was I mean she
00:48:55
she couldn't move from what I understood she wasn't necessarily speaking she was wheelchair-bound
00:49:01
she had to be lifted out of bed and into a wheelchair and and back and could she
00:49:07
could speak she could speak but
00:49:13
there there it fluctuated how present she was how aware she was
00:49:20
um one of the more aware moments I said Mom I'm gonna have a book written about my life
00:49:26
and she uh she said and who's gonna write this
00:49:31
masterpiece you know she was making fun of me and it was funny like uh the last time that um
00:49:41
that my mom ever laughed was I came home um with the words [ __ ] and [ __ ] tattooed
00:49:49
on my knuckles and Mom was in the hospital at that point with the do not resuscitate order
00:49:55
on her bed like this was this was the end like is about a month before she passed and
00:50:02
um I I walked into her hospital room and
00:50:08
I just didn't you know it was just a tough situation I didn't and I just said hey Ma
00:50:14
like check it out and I held up my my Knuckles to her and she she looked at it
00:50:20
and she said [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ]
00:50:26
and then she said my son is a [ __ ] [ __ ] and she like
00:50:32
she laughed and it's the most beautiful I thought it was just the most beautiful thing like uh she's able to laugh and
00:50:40
you know and um yeah it's tough man that whole thing's
00:50:47
tough and and and the the toughest thing is just imagining
00:50:54
when uh when I was struggling in the beginning like like prior to her annual
00:50:59
aneurysm like there were times when uh I'd show her one of my videos
00:51:05
and say Mom check it out she says oh yeah well that that's great but like how are
00:51:12
how is this ever going to like earn you anything you know like shouldn't ever
00:51:19
seem to be like terribly concerned for my safety of those showing her videos of like jumping off Bridges and like you
00:51:26
know doing stuff that was like really pretty dangerous and uh appear to be life-threatening and and that never
00:51:32
seemed to upset her what she was upset about was that uh that I I was I didn't
00:51:40
have a pot to piss and she would say you don't have a pot to piss in like how am I supposed to be impressed but this
00:51:46
where's this ever gonna get you know how is this ever gonna she would say show me the money
00:51:53
you know show me the money like how is this gonna give you the money and um man
00:51:58
like given that that was her position on it and I think that that she was um
00:52:05
largely concerned with the appearance of things and and um like less she wasn't ever I never got
00:52:14
the sense that she was worried for my safety on any level I think that's what
00:52:19
she was concerned with was how I reflected on her interesting you know
00:52:24
like my son's a loser this is a bummer you know she was bummed that I was a
00:52:29
loser because that reflected badly on her and um that's just that's what was
00:52:35
important to her you know there's nothing wrong with that and um is that why you want her you'd like her to be
00:52:40
able to see God yeah man that's the toughest thing to imagine if uh
00:52:46
if we if she she had been to rehab many times she was in the program recovery
00:52:53
but she just couldn't hang on to that you know she would always she would just always end up drinking
00:53:00
again and um I think that what would what would cause her to relapse was was
00:53:07
the you know Trauma from the breakup with my dad which is just a
00:53:13
vicious cycle because what broke her up with my dad was her drinking and then the trauma from
00:53:18
the the divorce would make you know this is a vicious cycle but um had she gotten it had she really
00:53:28
really grabbed onto it and not let go and been in recovery and and both of us
00:53:35
like she would have just gotten such a kick out of
00:53:40
like being on being on the red carpet at a big movie premiere and she would just be
00:53:47
letting me have it making fun of me for the dumb [ __ ] I was doing in the movies like we'd be laughing so that was one
00:53:53
thing my mom had like a sense of humor she had she was cool man she was cool
00:54:01
and we would we were related to each other a lot you you're 29 November the seventh she
00:54:09
passes away correct a mixture of emotions I read in your
00:54:15
book um in professional idiot page 194 the overwhelming emotion I felt afterward
00:54:21
was relief sure yeah the suffering was over
00:54:28
you know it was it was merciful like that there's nothing upsetting about my
00:54:33
mom dying it was what was upsetting was the the pain and the suffering that she
00:54:40
had endured for the five years leading up to her death do you ever process that we talk a lot
00:54:47
about these days about grief and we understand that grief is a thing and I don't think we ever did before do you
00:54:52
did you ever process that
00:54:57
if I did it was years later in recovery and and digesting the concepts in that
00:55:06
book conversations with God that was when
00:55:11
I finally uh
00:55:19
that that was when I just developed the idea that Mom wasn't alone
00:55:27
you know the mom was that she wasn't alone she like that that was
00:55:34
an experience that she had as God and somehow that just that it
00:55:40
doesn't change anything but it changes everything alone why why the word alone why was that the
00:55:47
concern [Music] just because the
00:55:53
I mean it's uh like on on a bigger level
00:56:00
like mom moms is one thing you know so there's no such thing as alone
00:56:07
at the same time jackass starts taking off right so that's roughly around that time your Fame goes through the roof
00:56:14
yeah well mom's aneurysm was 1998.
00:56:19
I worked on cruise ships for six months of 1999
00:56:25
I worked in a circus at a flea market for six months in year 2000 and jackass
00:56:33
came out in October of year 2000 and then yeah everything the movie comes out
00:56:39
in 2002 yeah um you're 28 years old at that time your mother passes when you were 29 the next year these two things
00:56:45
have almost happened at similar times your trajectory started to Skyrocket
00:56:50
your mother has passed away lots to deal with lots going on Fame is
00:56:56
this new thing in your life now and attention and yeah as you said earlier like worrying about the next meal is
00:57:01
maybe sometimes a better problem than worrying about the last um this strikes me as as a real
00:57:07
difficult moment in your life um I I the from professional Lydia which I
00:57:13
read it said by mid-2007 I was practically living on Diet Coke booze and nitrous
00:57:18
a not Diet Coke a diet of cocaine
00:57:25
that's amazing difference there was any diet of coke
00:57:32
big difference um hallucinating and hearing voices yeah
00:57:38
big time it's called psychosis and it's a fascinating
00:57:43
um it's a fascinating thing that um
00:57:49
there are so many different substances one can ingest that
00:57:56
might bring about this phenomena of psychosis yet there's so much similarity
00:58:03
between the experiences people have with it
00:58:08
uh even though they take so many different Avenues to get there
00:58:13
and that's partially why I believe that psychosis
00:58:19
um that there's a
00:58:26
sort of different compartments maybe dimensions and that
00:58:32
um where in our in our Human Experience where uh in
00:58:39
a distinct compartment uh and that psychosis happens when you
00:58:48
erode the the barriers to the other
00:58:53
compartments other dimensions and by doing that with with chemical
00:58:59
substances um we've erode the barriers kind of open ourselves up to
00:59:06
energies from other Dimensions
00:59:12
um you open yourself up to like all levels
00:59:17
of it so you can really let in demons you know like like demons being low
00:59:23
level of frequency energy and Angels like being a higher level and by uh just
00:59:30
consuming enough substances I I really believe that you erode the barriers you
00:59:36
open yourself up to all these energies and um in comes flooding
00:59:42
demons and and angels and that that's how I characterize my experiences with
00:59:48
hallucinations um all that stuff is uh
00:59:54
demon activity with some angels mixed in um I was reading about this thing called
01:00:00
the rad email list oh yeah where you send an email to a lot of people which I think ultimately sounds like one of the
01:00:06
things that brought about an intervention but right it wasn't one email it was more of a uh
01:00:14
stream a a barrage I was inundating a
01:00:21
list of 200 roughly 200 people many of
01:00:26
them very influential people in the entertainment industry
01:00:33
celebrities and agents and just powerful people of uh you know
01:00:39
media personalities um and I was just inundating these 200
01:00:47
people with emails at all hours around the clock and and effectively
01:00:52
broadcasting my downward spiral in real time and and I would send at times
01:00:59
really funny stuff you know at times uh just deeply alarming stuff I was you
01:01:07
know I was I knew that I how out of control I was in it
01:01:15
but but I was just I was rad I mean I I was out of my mind I was out of my mind
01:01:21
and I was making that abundantly clear by uh sending video YouTube had become a
01:01:27
thing YouTube started in 2005. so 2007 YouTube allowed me to make really
01:01:36
disturbing videos and then email the links to 200 people if I was a flyer on the wall in 2007 in
01:01:43
your life what would I've seen on an average day in 2007 I was renting four apartments in
01:01:53
one building one of them I just did
01:01:59
demolished the walls and built Escape Park throughout the whole apartment
01:02:06
um with permission from the landlord no not at all no permission whatsoever
01:02:12
and it was just with the the I remember there was like a Russian prostitute
01:02:17
operation uh in the adjacent apartment so they weren't trying to complain about
01:02:23
the noise there was a stairwell on the other side and beneath was the
01:02:30
the parking garage so it was um there were never any complaints for that
01:02:35
and then um a little bit down the hall was uh right had
01:02:42
um a couple of my buddies living there one of one of them was uh you know edited
01:02:48
stuff for me but we very very rarely well I mean he wouldn't he thinks he
01:02:53
works hard yeah I mean I I people on like uh on salary and they they didn't
01:02:59
do too much but when I was really out of my mind and these disturbing videos that I wanted to email the links to the rad
01:03:04
email that's my editor guy was in charge of that um so yeah I had the the office the
01:03:12
skate park apartment the office apartment and then I had an apartment for the assistant the assistant really
01:03:19
didn't do anything um except explain to people that she
01:03:25
couldn't get a hold of me and change my flights uh well because I
01:03:30
would always miss my flights um and then I had my apartment which uh
01:03:37
was this is sort of a this is where all we're all the really crazy stuff happened that was that was just my
01:03:43
little drug Den and um I would I would inhale this nitrous
01:03:50
oxide stuff and and it would come in these little cartridges that people used
01:03:55
to make whipped cream and a box of these nitrous oxide
01:04:01
cartridges would have there would be 24 cartridges per
01:04:07
box but if you bought a case there would be 25 boxes in the case and I believe
01:04:13
that 25 times 24 comes to 600
01:04:18
um and so I would sit down with 600 cartridges of nitrous oxide and just
01:04:26
inhale like the the thing that the cartridge goes into this canister
01:04:33
correct yeah but I'd have two of them oh so I would you know I would crack one up
01:04:39
and fill that and inhale it with my lungs filled with nitrous oxide I would
01:04:45
be busy filling up the next one so that when I exhaled the nitrous from
01:04:52
the first I would then inhale just so I wouldn't not breathe I was I wasn't breathing air
01:04:59
because like uh I was breathe I was inhaling nitrous oxide to the exclusion
01:05:05
of breathing air I mean as much as possible and my my
01:05:10
goal at all times would be to lose Consciousness because if you um you know
01:05:15
if you do that and you hold your breath you you will become unconscious and you're kind of
01:05:21
twitching and flopping around and and uh your lips are all blue and then and then
01:05:26
you come back too and and it would uh it's not not healthy and I
01:05:33
would be doing that and I would be doing that for days on end while
01:05:40
um snorting cocaine so it was on on like
01:05:46
the second and and particularly on the third day of
01:05:52
being awake on a cocaine binge while inhaling nothing but nitrous oxide
01:05:59
um that's when the the most profound psychosis with all the hallucinating
01:06:06
would be going on you sent out on that rad email one time
01:06:11
suicide gladiation yeah I I
01:06:18
um I mean I was going so crazy in this apartment and um I uh
01:06:25
it's very loud and and and um destructive in there and and the the
01:06:32
next apartment over was uh uh
01:06:38
a lawyer in his first year of being a lawyer
01:06:43
uh so you know like um a guy who cared about work and I was
01:06:50
just making all kinds of noise at all hours and so he was he would call the police he's getting this my neighbor
01:06:56
it's insane you know and um the more that the police would show up at my apartment the angrier I
01:07:04
would get at the lawyer who was calling the police which is a little bit backwards and that was kind of my ammo
01:07:10
like I would I would wrong people and then I would resent them for their
01:07:16
Perfectly Natural response to being wronged by me
01:07:22
Mr Runners so I would uh you know I would bang on
01:07:29
the guys well I would really antagonize this this poor lawyer Guy and um at one
01:07:35
point it got to uh to the level we're pounding on the wall
01:07:42
I actually pounded a hole in the wall and um I pounded a hole here I did on my
01:07:49
side there's the there's the the drywall and then in between there's like the fiberglass stuff and then then there's
01:07:56
his side of the throat I actually had this one night pounded all the way through his side of the wall too so I
01:08:01
was actually looking into his apartment which of course constitutes vandalism so
01:08:07
when he called the cops this time and the the cops showed up they had no choice but to actually arrest me for
01:08:13
Vandal he said look they put a hole in my wall so they um were here to arrest me and I
01:08:21
was um really really uh out of it
01:08:26
um like having been snorting both cocaine and ketamine so
01:08:33
I was super out of it and didn't put it together that I was being arrested and going to jail with a bag of
01:08:40
cocaine in my pocket I mean I probably could have it would
01:08:46
make sense that and I remember it was funny too because they said that I was barefoot and I had no shirt and they
01:08:51
said well we have to take her to jail we have no choice but we will let you go put on a shirt and some shoes
01:08:59
which which was the perfect opportunity for me to go into my apartment and remove the bag of cocaine from my pocket
01:09:06
but I didn't do that and I said you know [ __ ] a shirt [ __ ] shoes
01:09:13
so I went to jail completely Barefoot and shirtless with a bag of cocaine in
01:09:19
my pocket and um and then when they you know when they process you into jail they search you
01:09:26
know your pockets they found the cocaine and they arrested me again so I was now out of felony cocaine possession charge
01:09:32
as well as the vandalism charge and and this was like pretty well publicized the
01:09:38
you know the fact of the cocaine you know the arrest and um when I was released from the jail I was in there
01:09:45
for like uh I want to say like three days because the consensus
01:09:50
among anybody who loved me was he's better off in jail so there was no
01:09:57
concerted effort to bail me out which is why I managed to stay in there for I believe
01:10:03
about three days and then when I finally did get released from the jail after the
01:10:09
three days and I returned to my apartment there was an eviction notice on the door
01:10:15
so my response to that was okay well I'm being evicted and I went into the
01:10:20
apartment I found more vials of ketamine that I had stashed in there and I cooked that all up
01:10:26
and um within a couple hours I was like
01:10:32
screaming about God like while jumping up and down on a
01:10:37
parked car and like dealing with more cops you were man handled into a psych wood right like
01:10:44
yeah yeah well so I went on this this prodigious final bender and and uh I was
01:10:51
running out of time before I had to get my step out of the apartment I was evicted so the email to the rad email
01:10:58
list was hey I had to have my stuff out of this apartment because I've been
01:11:03
evicted but before I have to be gone
01:11:10
I want to uh jump a motor so I want to ride a
01:11:15
motorcycle through the living room and off a ramp and jump it over onto the
01:11:21
building next door which was very very small Gap right here it's not there was
01:11:27
hardly even a big it's done and and it was like two and a half stories up uh I
01:11:33
think I was on the third floor but it really like kind of two and a half so maybe like 20 25 feet and I and I said
01:11:42
on the rad email list and I also I want to jump the motorcycle onto the roof next door and I want to jump out of the
01:11:49
bedroom window into a hot tub you know and I just said so Knoxville
01:11:54
bring a camera crew and a hot tub and if you can't do the hot tub at least bring
01:12:00
some cardboard boxes but I'm jumping out of the window and I'm jumping you know
01:12:05
and if you don't come I'm jumping out of the window anyway I'm gonna jump and I'm gonna find out how many bones break when
01:12:12
I land on the sidewalk 25 feet below I'm ready to die
01:12:18
yeah like I said I was like promising that I was gonna jump out of the window and and break bones on the concrete
01:12:24
below and that qualified me for the psychiatric evaluation and they they
01:12:30
staged an intervention they staged an intervention yeah and I said not into so Knoxville responded I forget if he
01:12:36
responded with all 200 people on copy but uh but I said this I did this on the
01:12:41
the rad email list with the 200 people and and um I said uh
01:12:48
if Knoxville responding says okay I'll be there you know I said be here at 10 A.M
01:12:57
be here 10 a.m where I'm gonna jump and everybody what his response was he says
01:13:02
uh can we do noon what's with the early call times sheesh
01:13:09
so we agreed on noon I forget
01:13:14
I'm starting with the earlier call times I think what he was concerned with was having more time to uh to Rally uh you
01:13:21
know a group to really do the intervention but but by in that email exchange I I
01:13:28
was not scheduling a shoot for you know for jackass as I thought I was actually
01:13:35
scheduling my intervention and that's really where your life seems to have started to take a new
01:13:41
Direction although not linear in any respect well I mean that that intervention marked uh the beginning of
01:13:51
my journey I've been cleaning sober since that day which is yeah I mean the intervention
01:13:57
was March 9th the intervention was March 9th of 2009.
01:14:02
oh sorry yeah March 9th of 2008 and we
01:14:09
don't count that as our sobriety because it's the first day you didn't get loaded it's your Friday date so my
01:14:16
my sobriety date is March 10th of 2008. ladies and gentlemen as you know Zoe is
01:14:22
now sponsoring this podcast and I'm a proud investor in the company and I've been going on the Zoe Journey myself it
01:14:28
all starts with this home testing kit you get sent in the post which measures your gut health your blood sugar and your blood fat I've had this little
01:14:35
device this blood sugar glucose sensor on my arm which came in the home testing kit to understand how all of the
01:14:41
different foods that I eat day to day have an impact on my body and it's been pretty unbelievable a big thing for me
01:14:47
is feeling tired after I've eaten something and not understanding why
01:14:52
historically I didn't understand now I do understand I'd been eating I think it was like a rice stir-fry with a bit of
01:14:59
chicken and some chili sauce in there and I saw in my blood glucose chart on my phone which is connected to the
01:15:04
device that Zoe sent me this huge Spike and then later in the day I saw a huge
01:15:09
dip when I started feeling that sort of post lunch slump and what will happen next is Tim tells me they'll take all of
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that data and give me my own personalized Zoe scores for any food so
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I can figure out what I should be eating and what I should avoid if I want to avoid those afternoon slums and if you
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want to get started on your Zoe Journey with me use the code we've got an exclusive code here CEO 10 for 10 off
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and let me know how you get on when it arrives back to the episode over 14 years sober over 15 now over 15 years
01:15:40
sober yeah congratulations dude that's amazing honestly that's incredible it's so
01:15:46
incredible and I don't say that to you know to be uh self-important or you know
01:15:53
like like douche it's just the most profound gift
01:15:58
like ever and and I I believe strongly that you know this conversation began
01:16:05
with this dark discussion of alcoholism and and how uh just how terrible and and sad
01:16:14
alcoholism is however
01:16:20
as upsetting as alcoholism and drug addiction is
01:16:26
it's the only disease where once you treat it
01:16:31
you become a better version of yourself than you were before
01:16:37
and and that's really incredible to me because any other disease the best you
01:16:43
can hope for is to get back to as healthy as you were before you got sick
01:16:49
but for us sober alcoholics and addicts like we genuinely become improved
01:16:56
versions of ourselves and the work you've done since has been incredible I mean you've taken on many
01:17:01
professional Pursuits um your stand-up comedy became a facet of your life in 2013 uh 2010 2010 okay I
01:17:10
had the first time I had um gotten on stage in a comedy club and and uh performed what what I intended to be
01:17:17
stand-up comedy was 2006. how did that go um I thought it went a lot better than
01:17:23
it actually did but um but the first time I ever got on that stage
01:17:30
it wasn't it wasn't a disaster it became a disaster later um
01:17:36
but but in 2010 once I'd been clean and sober for just over two years
01:17:44
I I've pursued stand-up comedy and earnest why stand up comedy I know you've got a
01:17:51
big tour coming up in the UK but why stand up comedy I'm trying to understand the through line between the stunts it's
01:17:56
the the through line is just attention seeking you know um
01:18:02
the first time I ever got on stage to perform in a comedy club uh there was it
01:18:08
was 2006 I believe it was August of 2006 and um our
01:18:15
second Jackass movie was um to be released a couple months later
01:18:23
I showed up at this Comedy Club I walked in had no plan for what I was going to do
01:18:28
and just observing what was happening on the stage with somebody standing there holding a microphone just speaking to
01:18:36
the audience um I thought there's no stunt that could
01:18:41
possibly be crazier than that you know like I'm gonna do my my the craziest
01:18:47
stunt that I could possibly do is no stun at all I'm gonna stand there and speak into a microphone and try to make
01:18:55
the people laugh this was genuinely the most terrifying concept and I was just wasted enough to decide I'm gonna do
01:19:01
that when it became my turn to to get on the stage
01:19:07
um I had come up with one joke as I got on the stage there were people they were aware of me
01:19:13
they were excited to see me I felt like an excitement uh
01:19:18
they were there to have a good time they were they were rooting for me I mean of
01:19:23
course like get on stage on Stevo rad they were that I felt loved I felt uh
01:19:30
they were rooting for me they wanted to have a good time I got I got on I was
01:19:35
terrified but but uh but it was it was just it it was man it was uh
01:19:40
it was electric dude and um you know it's I said you know what's up everybody
01:19:46
I'm in the mood for a [ __ ] does anybody want one
01:19:52
and uh and and and I got a laugh you know like they'd laughed and I just was
01:19:58
so happy about that and um I couldn't have been on that stage for more than three minutes like um I got on and I got
01:20:05
off just got out of there and it was a favorable experience and I decided that this was something I wanted to pursue
01:20:11
and you've been pursuing ever since there's a an awesome tour coming up in the UK from June 30th to July 14th I
01:20:17
believe called bucket list that's right and and I'm coming to see oh dude I love that man I'm gonna make sure that
01:20:23
happens soon when I started doing stand up in Earnest in 2010.
01:20:31
um I imagined that I was
01:20:38
that I was trying to establish myself as a stand-up comedian and that I was going
01:20:44
to forge a career with with speaking into a microphone and um and and I felt that I felt that I
01:20:52
was well equipped to succeed in that endeavor because my life has been so
01:21:01
just uh colorful like the experience that I've had in my life like to to to
01:21:07
mine my life experience for material and stand-up comedy uh it seemed very doable
01:21:14
you know like I've got I've got stuff to talk about so I felt that I came into stand-up comedy not with just an
01:21:20
advantage and that I had um an audience a profile but I just had an
01:21:27
interesting material to you know to mine and um
01:21:34
clearly the world was not eager for
01:21:40
the stand-up comedy of Stevo you know I think that they're the bar for the stuff
01:21:48
that I was known for like to to go from like the the the the shocking like
01:21:54
unbelievable like crazy visual stuff that I'd become known for and then
01:22:02
appear speaking into a microphone it seems like uh mismatching expectation yeah I
01:22:10
think that's always disappointment isn't it right like and maybe this is from my own perception I'm not sure but with all
01:22:16
of the self-doubt with all of the um you know negative self-talk I just still
01:22:25
persisted and um I I wasn't
01:22:30
super successful in the beginning and like of course not but I was successful
01:22:35
enough to get booked by comedy clubs and then be welcome back and I would go around
01:22:42
this Comedy Club Circuit around the the United States and I did just well enough
01:22:48
to go back around the loop and that Loop lasted for 11 years in comedy clubs and
01:22:58
and I I tirelessly persisted I I genuinely didn't I put in work and I
01:23:03
developed this craft of Storytelling and and stand up telling jokes
01:23:09
along the way I taped two comedy specials the first one
01:23:16
was me and a microphone and uh some intermittent stunts I performed on stage
01:23:24
throughout the act and as I put together what would become the next comedy
01:23:29
special I put together this this new act to tour with it occurred to me that the stories I was
01:23:38
telling in this new Act had
01:23:43
for the most part all happened on camera and I had the idea
01:23:49
wow what if for my next comedy special I performed the ACT but in
01:23:56
post-production I edit into the special
01:24:01
interstitial footage of these stories unfolding [Music] to the storytelling oh dude my head
01:24:09
exploded I got so excited I I couldn't even I couldn't even stand it wow like
01:24:14
I'm gonna have a my next comedy special is going to be multimedia uh that that one I put out myself
01:24:21
um and uh and then it was time to put together the
01:24:27
Third show so now I knew that for this third
01:24:32
show which is bucket list the bucket is correct that I needed to
01:24:37
film all new stuff which would lend itself to all new stand-up material
01:24:43
and it had to be crazier than [ __ ] it had to be crazier than ever and that's what
01:24:49
people will see if they go yeah okay for sure that this uh there were just ideas that came up over
01:24:56
the years that were that were genuinely never supposed to happen on any level
01:25:01
but they were they were just ideas that I was so fond of because they
01:25:07
were crazy things to say I can't wait the idea was to push things further than jackass ever could and
01:25:14
there's no way that you do that and there's not a story to
01:25:20
tell you know yeah like the the the challenges of of making these things
01:25:27
happen it's just there's uh it's inherently juicy
01:25:36
material for stand up there's just no way around it and and one step further is that
01:25:43
um I've worked so hard on um developing the ability to be in a
01:25:50
healthy relationship with a life partner so I was just about to ask you this was my last question which was about looks
01:25:56
right my fiance Lux and and the The Bucket List show is every bit as much
01:26:04
about these Ultra high-level jackass stunts and how
01:26:11
they're conceived and executed it's every bit as much about that as the
01:26:16
implications of carrying out these bucket list items on
01:26:23
my relationship with my fiance what I was actually going to ask you about was specifically kind of the juxtaposition
01:26:28
of what's making you successful here seems to me as a guy that's got into relationship struggled to find a
01:26:34
relationship for my own reasons with my childhood seems to be the antithesis the very opposite of what it takes to be
01:26:39
successful in a relationship which is like the stability the the I don't know the the calm the right and over here
01:26:46
we're seeking instability and here in a relationship then I don't know there needs to be a certain stability that I think how
01:26:54
well to derive
01:26:59
one's self-worth and self-esteem from external validation
01:27:07
uh the way that that we do in Show Business like for for me to
01:27:15
base my self-worth and self-esteem on how
01:27:21
successful I am as Stevo it just plainly presents a dark and
01:27:31
upsetting future as the spotlight wanes you know like the the
01:27:40
and and I can't and this is something that that became very clear to me 15 years ago when I got sober was that for
01:27:49
me to be happy and and healthy on any level it is of Paramount importance that
01:27:57
I find some separation between me and the Persona of Stevo
01:28:03
and um with that kind of ruminating in my mind
01:28:10
and and as I was when I got into the stand-up I got I was acting out sexually as much as
01:28:17
possible on the road while doing stand-up and and at that time I was um
01:28:23
in my late 30s approaching 40 and and it just occurred me man this is
01:28:29
not the the the road to being happy and you know
01:28:34
I gotta learn if I want to be happy later in life I need to learn how to
01:28:41
have a healthy relationship that was a a belief that I subscribed to and I got to
01:28:47
work on learning how to be in a healthy relationship and thank God I did because I'm terrified of being a washed up
01:28:57
old attention [ __ ] that nobody wants to pay attention to anymore and being alone
01:29:02
and being alone that sounds like the most terrifying like awful thing and so
01:29:08
what does it what does she mean to you looks I mean she you said something earlier that uh
01:29:15
that the the design for living in the 12 steps and this isn't my you know kind of
01:29:21
extrapolating on what you said you said that the principles of honesty open-mindedness and willingness are
01:29:27
helpful to all people and I'll take that a step further that the design for living outlined in the 12 steps is
01:29:34
something that you don't have to be an alcoholic or an addict to benefit from but what Lux is
01:29:42
as a person is somebody who automatically does that stuff you know
01:29:49
she's automatically honest you know she's automatically
01:29:54
like open willing like like she's automatically does the right thing
01:30:01
you know where I had to to really really work and train myself to be honest and
01:30:07
to do the right thing you know and uh you know she's just automatically
01:30:14
they're just automatic to her and and lux's capacity for love is so
01:30:22
staggering like her it's just so natural to her to to be loving and and and it
01:30:30
blows me away we both like with the animals we're out of our minds we love
01:30:35
animals so much and um the way that lux loves me and the way that she wants me
01:30:42
to love her like just uh no no hold like
01:30:49
the way that we that might hold each other the way that like she's she's she's
01:30:54
taught me to love she's she's increased my capacity to love and and that's
01:31:03
that's the biggest deal man it's it's massive
01:31:10
such a beautiful thing Stevo thank you so Stephen Stephen yeah thank you so much
01:31:16
um we have a closing traditional on this podcast where the last guest leaves a question for the next guest okay um and
01:31:21
the question that's been a few is one of the most interesting questions that's ever been left in fact they don't know who they're leaving it for good so it's
01:31:27
a totally they said what can Stephen so you've filled in the blank no no no
01:31:33
they literally wrote what can Stephen when they're talking about me ah I mean if they spell they spelled it with your
01:31:39
name with a pH they said what can Stephen this beautiful man improve about himself
01:31:45
so that's my what kind of yeah about myself it's they're asking you to tell me what I can improve about myself
01:31:51
because they didn't know you were called Stephen so they said what can Stephen this beautiful man improve about himself honesty
01:31:59
uh you didn't speak about yourself very much but but one thing that you did say
01:32:07
um you seemed to point to
01:32:12
the deficiency in your relationship with your girlfriend being that you're so
01:32:19
consumed with work and uh they said something about she wants quality time
01:32:25
you can't compensate for your uh you know all of your energy and time
01:32:32
going into your career and that you want to compensate by with material things
01:32:37
and and that but that she's no no interest in material things she wants quality time
01:32:42
and um I think that uh that you and I
01:32:48
both um have this uh this drive this this this hustle this
01:32:56
this urge to succeed and um I think that uh
01:33:03
the the both of us would do well to find
01:33:09
our success in our relationships every study about about longevity and health
01:33:18
and happiness 100 points to relationships as the
01:33:25
source of Happiness true happiness and true health comes from the quality of
01:33:31
our relationships not the numbers in our bank account but the quality in our relationship so
01:33:38
um I think that the the my answer for you
01:33:43
is this for me it's just that uh you know that we should put the emphasis
01:33:50
on our quality time in our relationships that
01:33:55
we do on our hustle and it's the the reason why I I don't is because I think of some
01:34:03
of the stuff that I said earlier about like where I came from and being a poor family so like my survival innately in
01:34:10
me or my validation comes from my work so I'm like being pulled by this like insecurity and the shame for my
01:34:16
childhood over here like my [ __ ] [ __ ] become everything that you want and you know and then on the other hand my sense goes well Steve the happiest times in
01:34:23
your life the the all the studies I've sat here with the guy that did that 95 year old study on
01:34:28
um men and found that they live I think it's like 14 years longer if they have a meaningful relationship I know logically
01:34:34
but then emotionally and the scar the scar tissue in me goes no you need to validate yourself right I'm being
01:34:41
dragged by that still just you know right and hustle but but not in a way
01:34:48
that that undermines or or detracts from the quality of the relationships
01:34:57
is that that's what you're doing
01:35:02
I mean yeah [ __ ] that lux and I have a rule that we were not to be apart for more than two
01:35:09
weeks I love that and we spent two days together over the course of six weeks we
01:35:16
broke our rule badly and that's not cool man yeah
01:35:21
so um if I wasn't so
01:35:27
you know the so so operating from Fear that's the that's
01:35:33
the the difference hustle because you love it no because you're not because you're afraid of the post-apocalyptic
01:35:38
you know and this is concept I've been talking with a lot on this podcast between the distinction between being driven and being dragged and sometimes
01:35:45
I'm being dragged yeah driven is the like intentional it sounds like you know kind of the the intentional hustle with
01:35:51
control over the hustle dragged is like [ __ ] fear like if I don't yeah then I'm not enough and right I've taken so
01:35:57
much of your time I did thank you so much really really appreciate that pleasure to meet you and I've learned so much incredibly surprising wisdom-filled
01:36:04
conversation that Grace so many different aspects I'm so excited to see bucket list I'm sure all of my audience
01:36:10
are as well the 13th is the date to be there right hacker Empire that's where I'll be and I'm looking forward I think
01:36:16
that we might be able to open up some tickets on the 14th okay um but but I don't know and I don't know
01:36:23
how many I just know that as I sit here now the the the show on the 13th just
01:36:29
went live okay so that's that's a whole show that I got to fill so link is in the description below to get tickets in
01:36:36
the YouTube description and on the Audio Apps it's in the description below and I hope to see you guys there thank you so
01:36:41
much Steve thank you a quick word until as you know they're a
01:36:46
sponsor of this podcast and I'm an investor in the company one of the things I've never really explained is how I came to have a relationship with
01:36:52
huel one day in the office many years ago a guy walked past called Michael and he was wearing a heeled t-shirt and I
01:36:58
was really compelled by the logo I just thought from a design aesthetic point of view it was really interesting and I asked him what that word meant and why
01:37:05
he was wearing that T-shirt and he said it's this brand called heal and they make food that is nutritionally complete
01:37:10
and very very convenient and has the planet in mind and he the next day dropped off a little bottle of fuel on
01:37:17
my desk and from that day onwards I completely got it because I'm someone that cares tremendously about having a
01:37:23
nutritionally complete diet but sometimes because of the way my life is that falls by the wayside so if there
01:37:29
was a really convenient reliable trustworthy way for me to be nutritionally complete in an affordable
01:37:34
way I was all ears especially if it's a way that is conscious of the planet give it a chance give it a shot let me know
01:37:41
what you think foreign [Music]
01:38:02
[Music]