00:00:00
you have to go to a dark place sometimes to like get to that point who [Music] we are so excited to have Lucy Hale
00:00:15
she's been in the spotlight since she was just a kid stars on the hit show Pretty Little Liars and now I'm a movie
00:00:19
star not what you were expecting you might be the first real deep conversation I've had it's dark
00:00:25
disgusting and scary I wish I could go back and tell my 16 year old self buckle up girl we're gonna go through some
00:00:33
foreign [Applause] assumption that it'll fix a bunch of stuff what didn't it fix I struggled
00:00:42
with the eating disorder because society makes it really freaking hard to like the way you look I hated myself so much
00:00:49
that I couldn't even give it basic needs like food I did not feel worthy of the
00:00:54
success or the career or the people in my life and then the coping mechanisms were like incredibly self-destructive
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I've been working on getting sober since I was 20. I just like held on to that
00:01:05
belief that real Lucy came out when she was drinking I tried to change for my mom I tried to change for my career one
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of my best friends died of alcoholism and that still didn't make me want to get sober none of that Works alcohol
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isn't the problem the problem is this feeling inside of me I have to try it a
00:01:22
different way was there a Darkest Day [Music] I just want to start this episode with a
00:01:33
message of thanks a thank you to everybody that Tunes in to listen to this podcast by doing so you've enabled
00:01:38
me to live out my dream but also for many members of our team to live out their dreams too it's one of the
00:01:44
greatest privileges I could never have dreamed of or imagined in my life to get to do this to get to learn from these
00:01:49
people to get to have these conversations to get to interrogate them from a very selfish perspective trying
00:01:54
to solve problems I have in my life so I feel like I owe you a huge thank you for
00:01:58
being here and for listening to these episodes and for making this platform what it is can I ask you a favor I can't
00:02:03
tell you how much you can change the course of this podcast the the course of the guests were able to invite to the
00:02:09
show and to the course of everything that we do here just by doing one simple thing and that simple thing is hitting
00:02:15
that subscribe button helps this channel more than I could ever explain the guests on this platform are incredible
00:02:20
because so many of you have hit that button and I know when we think about what we want to do together over the
00:02:25
next year on this show a lot of it is going to be fueled by the amount of you that are subscribed in that tune into
00:02:31
this show every week so thank you let's keep doing this and I can't wait to see
00:02:35
what this year brings for this show for us as a community and for this platform [Music]
00:02:49
I tend to start these podcasts in a very similar way and I think in your case it's never been more pertinent to start
00:02:55
in that way which is to understand your context I've got to be honest I I read a lot about you
00:03:01
online but I couldn't really get to the very Crux of like who you are and why
00:03:06
you are that way and it was really really surprising to me because it almost appeared that you hadn't done a
00:03:14
proper slightly deeper interview before no I think it's so interesting you word it
00:03:21
that way because I actually didn't know who I was until very recently and I think that's because and yes you might
00:03:29
be the first um real deep conversation I've had publicly and that's part of the reason why I
00:03:37
wanted to do this because I'll start off with saying I just think you're so
00:03:41
amazing you're obviously very intelligent but like you lead with your heart and I was like oh I feel like this
00:03:46
would be a good match for us to kind of talk but yeah I I think because I I moved to LA when I was 15 and
00:03:57
started working pretty young that my identity became what I did for a living and my
00:04:04
accomplishments and my successes or failures within my career space so it took me a long time to figure out
00:04:14
who I was or who I wanted to be like to people would ask me what kind of person are you and I actually couldn't answer
00:04:21
it I had no idea and through a series of um I guess we'll call it speed bumps just
00:04:29
we all have our own personal journey I have I'm slowly like peeling away that onion
00:04:34
of of who I am and it turns out like that person's always been here I just forgot she was there or like kind of put
00:04:43
her in the basement if you will but um but yeah it's been an interest it's been
00:04:50
a really powerful last year for me um I will give you a heads up I cry all the time so just I'm I'm getting you ready I
00:05:01
also have big eyes and they get really glassy but I I get emotional when I speak about these things because
00:05:06
I just love where I've landed in my life and it's been a really um Jesus I didn't know I'd get like
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emotional this early on um it's just been a really powerful and painful insightful joyous
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horrible journey and I um love that I can sit across from you now and be my most authentic self so that's
00:05:36
a long way of saying I'm glad to be here and it's not is it it makes you
00:05:41
emotional because you're happy where you are now I I mean I I've always kind of felt like
00:05:48
an open wound if if that makes sense like even as a kid I just felt like I felt things in a really deep way
00:05:58
um you could call that maybe codependency or um taking on problems that weren't mine
00:06:04
but now I get emotional because of the perspective and just having pride and in the choices I've
00:06:14
made and um and it's not it's not an emotional tears in a sad way it's more just Joy
00:06:21
whereas I've been happy at different points in my life but I hadn't ever
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experienced joy and to me the difference in happiness and being joyous joyous is
00:06:31
long-term and sustainable and it doesn't come from anything external comes from here and
00:06:39
um and I had always heard people say that that like true happiness comes from yourself and I was like I don't what
00:06:47
what are you doing like okay shut up like I don't know what you're talking
00:06:49
about but but it really does and it's been um a slow grind so let's start from the beginning then
00:07:01
um your context before the age of 10 years old growing up in Memphis bring me into that world like what do I what
00:07:09
do I need to know about that that chapter in your life to understand the journey and the direction that
00:07:14
Journey took um yeah so from Memphis uh families all still in Tennessee I have an older sister who I adore and
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admire so so much um I mainly lived with my mom growing up my dad's still in the picture but they were
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divorced really young and I was just what was I like as a child I was I think as long as I can remember I've
00:07:44
always felt kind of like and I don't mean this in a sad way like in a victim way I've always felt like I
00:07:51
was on the outside looking in like I never had a lot of friends I never felt the need to
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make friends or be social like after school I wouldn't want to go to a friend's house I would I
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would rush to get home to go be alone with myself so I've kind of always craved this feeling of needing Solitude
00:08:11
because that's when I could sort of be myself and I felt that as early as you know 10 years old
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but um I guess my love of entertaining uh came from my mom was married to this man who heard
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me singing in my room when I was probably like six or seven I loved Aladdin I loved Disney movies
00:08:37
and I I vividly remember like pretending to be Jasmine on the Magic Carpet and I
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would just sing with my little tapes and and he told my mom like Lucy's got a
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good voice and up until that point I had never you know I was too young to even know what
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being a singer meant but that led to taking singing lessons which led to performing around Memphis and
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mind you I hated performing live like I felt for someone who's an introvert and someone who loves Solitude being on
00:09:11
stage and I'm sure we'll talk about this later like I ended up doing music as an
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adult and I still had that same feeling I just felt so exposed and it was really
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scary and I ran a little anxious um but anyway so I I grew up performing in that way and then I found out what it
00:09:30
meant to be an actor this is probably around age 13 or 14. and we found this small agent who
00:09:40
was like Lucy should audition for this show that Disney's doing called Hannah
00:09:45
Montana this was years before they cast Miley Cyrus and it was then it was that moment in that audition where I was
00:09:52
thinking oh I can act and sing at the same time like this is my dream this is my way out you know and um way out
00:10:00
I'll get yeah I'll you're so smart yes so I I now as an adult I'll Circle back around to it
00:10:08
um because you know how I said it was hard for me to say what kind of person am I
00:10:14
it was also hard for me up until recently to to know why I wanted to be an actor I didn't know why until
00:10:20
recently and I'll Circle back around to it but um so it was this Hannah Montana audition
00:10:26
which led to knowing what a pilot season was and pilot season for anyone listening is
00:10:31
when they don't really have a pilot season anymore because of streaming and and everything but it's when a network
00:10:38
pays money for one episode to see if they want to invest in doing a series you know what a pilot season is but um I
00:10:45
talked to my mom into moving out to California and when I mean taught I didn't talk her into it I think it was
00:10:50
perfect timing for her and for me and we packed up our Prius and all of our stuff which wasn't a lot I come from
00:11:00
a very simple upbringing and my mom was a travel nurse she cashed in her retirement
00:11:07
for us to move out here and I always ask her now I'm like how did you how did you do that like that's kind of
00:11:14
insane and she and I'm sure she has her personal reasons too but she was like I kind of just had this
00:11:22
feeling it was gonna work out for you that also makes me cry and I also think it's really funny because if it hadn't
00:11:29
worked out I'd be screwed because I didn't graduate high school I wouldn't know where I belonged like
00:11:37
I think my lucky stars that it did work out because um life would would look a lot different
00:11:44
I'm sure um and then so we moved to LA planning to stay for three months at 15 and I
00:11:49
never left and I've been here almost 20 years and now I guess it's a good segue into
00:11:55
what I meant by a way out and I guess what I mean by that is I never felt I knew that life
00:12:08
there was not I didn't feel like home I never knew where I fit in um I felt I love my family so much but I
00:12:17
always felt like the black sheep of the family I just felt different even as a little kid
00:12:22
and um and it's no wonder that I got into acting because that was I was always in
00:12:30
my imagination like my coping mechanism was like Dreamland in my head and like fantasizing about what my future would
00:12:37
look like well if you believe in the power of manifestation my future looked like this
00:12:43
like little lucy kind of created this this whole life for myself and I just knew I wanted
00:12:50
something different you know you use the word coping mechanism yes I'm really I'm
00:12:56
really compelled by that okay because I sat with Maisie Williams um that was another reason why I really wanted
00:13:03
to do this because I thought that episode in particular was so powerful really moving
00:13:10
um yeah that yeah I I've got chills then just thinking about it because and as you were speaking there was a lot
00:13:19
of like through lines and similarities as to what you were saying like Maisie really kind of lost her identity in
00:13:25
because she was a very young actress and she became but also she was in her own words using acting as a way
00:13:32
to escape which is almost what I heard from from you there yes I didn't realize
00:13:37
it I realized now that my job completely was and has been at times a huge Band-Aid for a lot of issues in my life
00:13:45
because I have like very addictive Tendencies and a very addictive personality and work like a lot of
00:13:53
people can be such an amazing distraction and we get away with it because you're productive you make money
00:13:58
people like you it's not like a negative addictive behavior but it's so easy to not heal or not focus on
00:14:08
what's going on when you're constantly busy and that's why after an experience
00:14:14
like Pretty Little Liars why everything kind of just like you know because for we did that show for we did
00:14:21
170 something episodes I was like eight years of my life in between 20 and 28 years old
00:14:28
I I don't feel like I emotionally developed in I don't know what normal is
00:14:33
but I feel like I missed out on some normal experiences and so it wasn't until that period of my
00:14:43
life afterwards where I realized how I was contributing to my own suffering and I didn't even realize the
00:14:51
magnitude of it until I was outside of something like that show in hindsight when you look back on your
00:14:58
younger years you talked about your parents separating how what impact did that have on you in hindsight any of you
00:15:06
you know I often think about this because I think it was 100 the best decision for
00:15:14
everyone and I um you know you hear about so many people staying together for the kids oh
00:15:22
my [ __ ] no if my I'm so glad that my parents separated because it was the best thing for everyone
00:15:28
and why um it wasn't a happy marriage I don't think you know and I I wanna
00:15:36
respect both of my parents and not speak up really on that but but I do think that
00:15:44
it may have been a little toxic at times and you know I was four my sister was six and it uh it allowed for a little
00:15:52
more peace and calmness and and both of my parents are now remarried to wonderful people and and it all worked
00:15:59
out but I think um I was raised by a single mom for a lot of my childhood she was
00:16:09
remarried for a little bit but my my dad is now back in my life and he's given me
00:16:17
so many lessons I mean I think that anything that's traumatic or painful like I sort of just use that as
00:16:25
ammunition to move forward I'm like what is this trying to teach me what has this
00:16:29
given me because we can look at any experience and say and play victim and you can I think it's okay to be the
00:16:36
victim when you're younger like your teenager your 20s you it's kind of okay
00:16:41
to do that and part of life but I think at some point you have to take ownership
00:16:45
of your life that's why I feel like so many people are miserable because it's you're in
00:16:50
victim mode I don't ever want to be a victim of my life or my circumstances ever
00:16:57
I want to be the happiest I can be and learn the most I can possibly learn about myself and sometimes that means
00:17:15
you have to go to a dark place sometimes to like get to that point whoo um [Music]
00:17:31
thank you I'm a crybaby yeah that's fine I don't even remember thanks
00:17:41
these remind me of like McDonald's napkins which makes me happy I love McDonald's
00:17:47
um expensive building they said we've run up I love it I love it um I don't even
00:17:51
know what I was saying but sometimes you have to go to a dark place what was I saying before sometimes I go
00:17:58
in a trance and I just talk and only remember what I was talking about um oh just talking about my parents
00:18:03
divorce yeah I think it's so easy to look at these experiences and feel sorry for yourself but life is so
00:18:11
much more interesting and freeing and liberating when you look at something when you look at things that have
00:18:17
happened to you when you're a child and say what beautiful lesson did I get out
00:18:22
of that and if we're just taking my parents divorce as an example the biggest lesson I learned from that
00:18:30
is what kind of love do I want in my life what am I going to stand for or not stand for and
00:18:37
and something I always stand by in my life is like I'm not settling I'm not
00:18:43
settling and that can mean that just means people got to meet me where I'm at
00:18:47
I've worked too hard to feel how I feel today for a jobs experiences people relationships lovers friends whatever it
00:18:55
is like gotta meet me here and it doesn't mean you can't compromise with people that's
00:19:00
different but I just allow a certain kind of thing in my life and um yeah your grandmother
00:19:12
got a tattoo on your left wrist oh wow yes I I didn't I saw you pulling out your left wrist so I just went with it
00:19:20
yeah I love you yes so what role did she play so she her name was Karen and she was my
00:19:31
dad's mom and my grandmother rest in peace you amazing Soul she was the coolest badass woman I've ever met
00:19:43
she taught me about things that maybe I shouldn't have learned at such a young
00:19:47
age she would put on Oprah when Oprah would be talking about really heavy topics she put on the movie
00:19:55
Grease when I was a kid and that was a movie where I'm like I want to do that
00:20:02
um and I I don't know where you land within the medium psychic space but I've talked to
00:20:09
I do um I practice Reiki with um this woman named Katie who always senses my grandmother's energy and and
00:20:19
every kind of experience like that my grandmother's energy has showed up so I
00:20:24
truly believe that she is here with me but she was just smart and she thought differently than anyone in my family and
00:20:34
as an adult I can look back and think I'm so much like her like I just I miss
00:20:41
her she died really young she died of emphysema and it's shocking I never picked up smoking because I I
00:20:49
told you I'm like an extremist but I've never been a smoker because of her and
00:20:54
um yeah she died in her mid-60s she was so funny like she she had breathing tubes on and she
00:21:03
smoked until the day she died still but that just like showed you who she was she just
00:21:07
was a Powerhouse and so funny um and I miss her I miss her all the time I and it and it's kind of sad because
00:21:20
I don't have that many pictures of her because it was before I had a cell phone and she died when I
00:21:25
was 15 so I maybe had just gotten one of those Sidekicks or Nokia phones and I just
00:21:32
don't have that much tangible memories of her you named after they right yeah
00:21:36
yeah Karen Lucille and uh so she definitely lives on in me in that way and um yeah that's nice to chat about her thank
00:21:49
you for bringing her up I was really inspired by um the love your mother must have had it
00:21:56
for you but also really the belief she must have had in you to move to LA with you when you were 15 I'm assuming purely
00:22:03
so you could pursue a career in Hollywood at 15 years old yeah it's totally bizarre and when I tell people
00:22:09
that I just have to set the tone my mom was not a stage mom at all and by that I
00:22:14
mean she wasn't it was never forced upon me I she just always encouraged me to follow this dream which
00:22:24
is so incredible because you hear of so many people where it's the opposite where the parents are forcing a dream
00:22:29
you don't really want onto you and she just instilled a lot of willpower my mom
00:22:36
is such a hard worker I do believe I have my I get my drive and work ethic from her and she's so selfless like she
00:22:43
would give her last penny to anyone and just loves with her entire heart um and my my mom and I have definitely
00:22:53
had our uh rough moments in over the course of our lives but we're in such a beautiful
00:23:04
place now where we really can show up exactly how we are without getting um triggered or defensive because we're
00:23:13
really similar in the way we approach our emotions I guess and so we've kind
00:23:18
of have butted heads at times but she's always been my just biggest fan and um I have no idea how because because I
00:23:30
often think if I had a daughter who wanted to do what I want to do would I do that I don't know how do you know
00:23:36
it's kind of insane isn't it thanks Mom for being insane I love you for it like
00:23:41
thank God uh but it was a risk for sure and she came and worked as a nurse yeah so she the only way we could afford
00:23:52
to live out here because as you know cost of living is insane um she was a travel nurse which is kind
00:24:00
of an agency for nurses that live across the world and they could place her at a
00:24:05
hospital and they would pay for our rent and she would make a little extra money
00:24:09
but I mean we were kind of Barely getting by barely getting by and yeah I feel like there's always kind of
00:24:18
financial worry there but we we always she always made it work we always figured it out
00:24:24
and by 216 you start working in TV shows and stuff out here in L.A yeah so the first so this is a really cool story to
00:24:31
tell you because I just got back from Vancouver but the first show I ever did the first series was called Bionic Woman
00:24:37
it was a remake of a show a really popular show from the 70s 80s on NBC and I got cast as the little sister and we
00:24:45
lived in Vancouver um in this building right by the Sea line and then I now 19 years later just
00:24:56
was working up there again and I look out the window of the building I was living in it's the exact same building
00:25:01
my mom lived in and I'm like that is just the universe full circle it was the
00:25:09
coolest full circle moment of being 16 there with my mom on my first job to everything that's transpired to me being
00:25:16
33 working there now it was just like this really incredible moment but but yeah I uh
00:25:24
started kind of working supporting myself since 17 and then I think my mom saw that I
00:25:31
somewhat had a good head on my shoulders by 18 and then she moved back to Tennessee that period between
00:25:39
you being 16 and 19 when you living out in L.A predominantly um before you know you get cast for
00:25:46
Pretty Little Liars how do you feel about that chapter of your life when you reflect on that that chapter
00:25:53
that 16 to 19 year old chapter what do you think so interesting because I actually haven't
00:26:01
seeing this building in Vancouver was the first time I had thought about that time in my life in
00:26:07
10 years I actually haven't sat and thought about I know I also feel like so much of my
00:26:14
memories are kind of blurry from that time I it's so weird like I can't even answer
00:26:25
that question I think I think I was very grateful to be in LA and pursuing this dream but that was
00:26:33
kind of the beginning of it all of of what was to come um like I wish I could go back and tell
00:26:39
my 16 year old self like buckle up girl we're gonna get through this but we're
00:26:44
gonna go through some [ __ ] you know um I and I've been open about this before like I struggled with the eating
00:26:51
disorder uh most of my teen years up until like mid-20s and it it was around that time that it had kind of that was
00:27:01
like turned up to a 10 and I and it I mean it's all in direct correlation with
00:27:06
moving to a new city throwing myself into the world of acting like I think my life kind of fell out of
00:27:14
control in a way and my emotions fell out of control and body stuff food stuff is all needing
00:27:22
needing to control and um uh so yeah I mean I guess I look back on that time and
00:27:31
I have compassion now like I don't want to say I feel sorry for myself but I do believe in like
00:27:41
I mean I was a teenager but all the inner child work where you just kind of see that image of you young you and
00:27:48
really hold space for that and really speak kindly to yourself um but honestly I don't really remember a
00:27:57
lot more and I don't know if that's weird but it I I also feel that similarly about my childhood I have
00:28:04
certain memories but I don't know maybe I was disassociating a lot I told you I lived in my head a
00:28:10
ton so I don't know it seems like so much has happened since then Eating Disorders yeah how do I how do I
00:28:20
understand that as someone that's never experienced um eating disorder how do I
00:28:24
how do I understand that is there a moment where you've realized that there's a there's a problem or you you
00:28:29
notice Behavior patterns that you think are um unhealthy to say the least I think from
00:28:36
anything that disrupts your life or your happiness or your relationships or your
00:28:42
career like that can be described as a problem and I think for me it was all I thought about from the moment I
00:28:51
woke up until I went to bed at night how much did I eat how much did I work out I
00:28:56
would step on a scale 30 times a day I was eating so little that it was shocking
00:29:04
um and it wasn't really ever about that's a lie it was about the way I looked at one point because I thought if
00:29:12
I could just be this number or this goal weight then I'll be enough because it
00:29:16
all rooted back to I don't feel enough I don't feel like enough why um and that's still a question I'm figuring
00:29:25
out because it it um self-worth and knowing I'm enough like where did the thought of I'm not
00:29:32
enough come from did I hear it when I was a kid I don't know did I hear something that resonated is you're not
00:29:38
enough maybe um do you know who that is he he came on my podcast he's maybe maybe the leading
00:29:47
therapist psychologist in the world on like childhood trauma and and much of the Crux of what he talks about is where
00:29:53
we learn this idea that we're not enough as kids one of the things he said to me
00:29:57
which is still sat with me is he said to me he goes children are narcissists he goes when the parents arguing the child
00:30:03
thinks it's about them yeah and when he said that to me I go oh my God it explains so much sponges yeah so but we
00:30:09
interpret that situation like that home life situation or whatever as like this is about me yeah and and so now I can
00:30:17
look back and say maybe as a kid I thought my parents got divorced because of Me Maybe I you know there's a million
00:30:24
different scenarios so I'm certain I learned it at a young age and and as kids none of us come out
00:30:30
unscathed right like we all take on some sort of pain and Trauma from somewhere or someone
00:30:37
but mine manifested as an eating disorder initially which then led to other issues but it but it all started
00:30:45
because I always try to think when when did it begin when did this Obsession begin
00:30:54
and I want to say it was maybe around like 13 or 14 when I had um no no like 1415 was starting homeschooling and I
00:31:02
had to start logging my exercise hours and why it was for PE and you had to say I'm do I did PE today for
00:31:12
x amount of time and that's the only thing I can think of that started this obsession with
00:31:20
movement and then I saw my body kind of change and then I started restricting eating and then it became like I said
00:31:27
just it slowly just grew and grew to something that it I could not enjoy life I could not have a conversation I could
00:31:34
not focus on anything it's a it's a miracle that I even started working and
00:31:38
could focus on acting because it was when I mean it was a constant loop I don't know how I got out of it
00:31:45
and I I mean the thing with eating disorders is it can always creep back up on you and there
00:31:53
are days when I don't feel like my best self but I love myself enough now to
00:32:00
nourish my body and it's so sad to think that I hated myself so much that I couldn't even give it basic needs like
00:32:07
food are you kidding me like that is so tragic and so many people don't understand
00:32:15
the space of an eating disorder because there's a spectrum and I can only speak
00:32:18
from my point of view which I mean I don't I really don't know any woman that has a normal relationship to
00:32:27
their body or to food you know because society makes it really freaking hard to like the way you look social media is
00:32:34
can be a really beautiful place and you're doing such an amazing thing with the work you do and like changing lives
00:32:40
but like the social social media can be poison I have to really limit what who I
00:32:48
look at what I look at and I'm a grown adult and it feels silly but you have to
00:32:53
like curate your life keep your mind and soul and spirit feeling good um I always feel a little uncomfortable
00:33:02
talking about an eating disorder because I'm I'm sensitive and I know that it can be
00:33:08
triggering and hard for people to talk about food and bodies and people don't
00:33:14
understand how someone who objectively as thin could think they were overweight but and I can't explain it but that's
00:33:23
just what I saw and what I felt and it and now I can look back and see photos and think oh my God I was so I I wasn't
00:33:32
seeing reality you just create this narrative in your head that's scary and dark and
00:33:39
and It ultimately wasn't about the way I looked it was about so much more which is which is
00:33:46
self-worth incredibly low self-worth and and I really owe it to like getting out
00:33:56
of that I dated a guy for a long time who was Italian I mean it sounds so silly it's like how did you
00:34:03
get help it wasn't through therapy I didn't start doing therapy until my
00:34:07
early 20s for a different reason but people always ask how did you survive those horrible years of your
00:34:14
eating disorder it was my Italian boyfriend who loved and appreciated food and he would make
00:34:21
us go to dinner and I learned to enjoy food again and it was like each year that went by I started to feel
00:34:28
better and better and then I booked Pretty Little Liars and it got a little dodgy again and scary but I learned
00:34:33
other coping mechanisms that worked for a while until they didn't um but but now my relationship
00:34:41
I never thought I could call myself a foodie because today like I love food that's how I experience a new city or a
00:34:48
culture like I just appreciate it and I know that we need food to survive and and I like I like and love and respect
00:34:58
my body too if I'm tired I rest if I want to work out I work out I I can just sort of navigate feeling
00:35:07
uncomfortable so much better these days well you haven't given given a diagnosis
00:35:13
for that disorder was there ever medical intervention yeah I did my mom um shortly before she moved to Tennessee
00:35:20
you know she recognized it was a problem and she helped in the best way she knew
00:35:24
how but I'm sure as a parent she felt helpless and felt like it was her fault
00:35:28
maybe I went to a therapist only a handful of times where that was the first time I had heard your
00:35:35
anorexic and that word just sounds so daunting and scary but I mean I I've never been
00:35:42
in denial though like I've always had I always knew it wasn't normal behavior
00:35:47
like I knew that my hair shouldn't be falling out and then I knew that I shouldn't be able to see every bone in
00:35:53
my body but you get like addicted to this feeling of controlling your own body and um
00:36:02
so I kind of knew it was a problem but I didn't know what anorexia meant until
00:36:07
this therapist had told me that that was probably like age 17. um yeah I haven't thought about all that in
00:36:18
a long time too because I'm so on the other side of it and it's nice it's so nice to not have that
00:36:27
hamster wheel in your head about that all the time being in um being in LA being in the entertainment industry is a
00:36:41
I imagine a tricky place to be when you're contending with issues of you know eating disorders and because
00:36:47
because of the influence of you know advertising and movies especially back then
00:36:53
um social media Etc I yeah I just can't yeah I can't having never experienced an eating disorder
00:37:01
before but then thinking about being in this environment yeah well what was interesting is that it
00:37:07
started before I even moved to LA the eating disorder was for when I was like 13 before I'd even thought about you
00:37:15
know before I had found success so so I'm certain the things I've dealt with in my life
00:37:23
I would have dealt with anyway it just might be on the opposite end of the spectrum because I think that the
00:37:30
reasonings behind all of these things are those are old feelings that's old stuff that has been ruminating
00:37:37
for a while but yeah I mean this industry is at a different point now where so many people
00:37:44
are accepted different types of people different bodies everything and it's such a beautiful
00:37:50
place I think the industry is heading especially for a woman but when I was starting out it wasn't really that way
00:37:57
and then I like book a show that's called Pretty Little Liars what it's so I'm like okay well we gotta be
00:38:05
pretty we gotta be little okay well we got this and and you're also 20 years old where everyone wants
00:38:11
to look a certain way like that age you all want to look the same and you wanna you know it just all flared up again
00:38:19
and it was all I thought about again you know because I I thought I had overcome
00:38:23
it and then but then it became a thing of control it wasn't and then It ultimately it wasn't
00:38:29
about wanting to be pretty or little it was about this is scary my life has completely
00:38:35
shifted overnight millions of people are seeing my face Instagram had just started you know it
00:38:42
was just sort of beginning my first post ever on Instagram was me and of season one of Pretty Little Liars
00:38:49
um and it was like my life was now under a magnifying glass I felt out of control
00:38:56
uh oh I guess we gotta control the way I look again and then I'll be enough and
00:39:00
then people will like me how do my Mo for so much of my life was how can I get people to like me
00:39:07
even though I hated myself and like real confidence is not I read my whole Instagram now is
00:39:16
just like silly affirmations but it helped but I read something the other day that's true confidence is not I hope
00:39:24
they like me it's some I'm paraphrasing but not I hope they like me it's
00:39:29
I'm okay and know who I am even if they don't and yeah exactly what it is and that confidence
00:39:35
is what I've been searching for my whole life and to know that and to show up
00:39:40
anywhere I go with anyone with new people and say I'm accepted because I accept myself I have value because I
00:39:49
value myself you can put me in any situation anything I truly mean this and I have the
00:39:55
confidence that I'll get through it sober and happy and it's been one hell of a journey and I like
00:40:03
truly am not going to cry again I wouldn't have changed anything I literally would not have changed any
00:40:09
dark moment situation because the perspective and empathy I've gained from that I would not have
00:40:16
otherwise so you said I hated myself I know it's such a strong word and it makes me sad that I
00:40:23
felt that way maybe he hates a strong word I do this sometimes too I'll say something then
00:40:29
I'll backtrack and try to like paint it prettier but things are ugly sometimes
00:40:33
right yeah I maybe it's more that I didn't feel worthy of the things I had
00:40:42
in my life I didn't feel deserving because a lot of my life post success I did not feel worthy of
00:40:50
the success or the career or the people in my life it was like this limiting belief that
00:40:57
you're a fraud If people really knew who you were they wouldn't like you
00:41:03
like you're worthless you don't deserve this and even though I wasn't actually saying those things
00:41:09
like subconsciously that's what was happening I think because I would keep making the same
00:41:14
mistakes and be like why is this happening it's because I had this belief that I
00:41:20
didn't deserve any of it when you live with that sort of lack of self-worth it manifests itself in a
00:41:28
variety of ways one of them you talked about already which is trying to gain control over something because then if I
00:41:32
can control this maybe I'll gone are a bit of sort of self self-worth from from the scales or the
00:41:38
mirror whatever it might be what are the other ways that that manifested itself in your life that like lack of
00:41:43
self-worth I've heard you talk about people pleasing yeah but you you said something curious a second ago you said
00:41:50
um that would the eating disorder was the start of it um and then you said you were going to go
00:41:55
on to say something else but yeah yeah I mean it all kind of ties in together I think the people pleasing is such a big
00:42:04
thing I've been working through in my life because what people pleasing does is you're
00:42:10
doing things that aren't authentic you're doing things you don't want to do
00:42:13
what does that do well it builds anger and resentment well then if you repress that anger resentment then what happens
00:42:18
well it's going to come out some way and for me my like for such a small human I have so
00:42:26
much rage in that I've have now sorted through but for so much I just like bottled up that rage
00:42:33
and for me I the coping mechanisms I discovered worked for me were like incredibly
00:42:44
self-destructive and self-sabotaging and I am I'm not sure when this podcast comes out
00:42:51
and I had I've never talked publicly until yesterday about being sober I have a little over a year of sobriety
00:42:59
which you know the people in my life my friends my family who are just the greatest people in the world and have
00:43:07
stood by my side for you know I've been working on getting sober since I was 20.
00:43:10
I'm 33. it takes time it took time and it took patience with myself um I mean this is a topic I could talk
00:43:18
about until the end of time but basically what alcohol did for me we did a couple of things it was like
00:43:31
it was like this feeling of oh my God this is what I've been searching for my
00:43:35
whole life I'm my truest self right like I'm so much funnier and cooler and
00:43:39
people like me that's all [ __ ] guess what not true I was not myself not my
00:43:46
truest self but it orig it started with wow I can be free and funny and boys will like me
00:43:55
this is when I'm younger right and I just like held on to that belief that real Lucy came out when she was
00:44:02
drinking guess what real Lucy did come out but it was that rage and pain that I had been
00:44:08
holding on to for so long but it also quieted my mind um I feel like and I'm not the only person on the
00:44:21
planet that deals with this but like my brain just goes doesn't shut off it's exhausting but
00:44:27
when I drink because I I was like textbook binge Drinker like blackout wouldn't remember what I did
00:44:35
what I said which is scary and and it's also hard to explain that type of drinking to someone because
00:44:43
people who haven't experienced it or dealt with it personally like you addiction is such a
00:44:49
a topic that Soso taboo because it's because people would just tell me Well Lucy don't drink
00:44:56
oh thank you oh okay thank you so much I'll try that thanks but now it is that now it's like okay I
00:45:07
just don't pick up the first drink and I'm fine because what would happen for
00:45:09
me is I'd pick up the first drink I'd like the feeling I'd have another drink
00:45:12
I'd really like the feeling and then it was past drink too don't remember
00:45:16
I wouldn't remember the rest of the night um through what period of your life was
00:45:21
this sorry since you were young I've had an issue I from my very first experience drinking
00:45:28
which was like age 14. hmm up until a year ago I have had a problem I've never
00:45:34
had a a period of my life where I was a normal moderate Drinker it was always let's go let's let's just
00:45:44
I was willing to just go to this crazy dark place every time and you know of course I tried trying to
00:45:53
be a moderate Drinker just having to my I have an allergy to alcohol I cannot drink I view it as an allergy to alcohol
00:46:01
my brain doesn't work the same way as someone who can just have a glass of wine it always
00:46:08
wants more it's like craving that that feeling my best friend has just actually
00:46:13
finished a documentary on this subject matter he was my best friend but also my business partner for many years and the
00:46:18
the point where he realized he had a problem we kind of had a bit of a face to face because he
00:46:23
had done so much damage and there was one particular instance where he did so much damage to himself our company our
00:46:30
team members that we we met on a Sunday and we we basically it was that kind of ultimatum moment which is you're gonna
00:46:36
have to leave yeah you know and yeah you can do a lot of damage right when you're when you
00:46:41
have that relationship with alcohol and you have an addiction to alcohol and it brings out that side of you did you ever
00:46:48
have moments like that where people close to you said many times and I but it's one of those things I I
00:46:57
remember the point in my life where I'm like I woke up a morning after drinking and it was when
00:47:04
I wanted to keep drinking I was like oh my reaction to alcohol is different than my friends like this is
00:47:10
different and I've known I had a problem this whole time I was there was never a
00:47:14
moment where I thought it was normal there have been moments where I didn't want to change
00:47:20
because I'm like I'm not giving this up are you kidding me like who would I be
00:47:23
if I can't have fun and let loose and drink but I had many times my manager of 19
00:47:29
years who is an angel truly an Earth Angel I believe has saved my life at times like this woman has been there for me
00:47:38
she's had hard conversations with me I've had friends who've tough loved me
00:47:42
but I've had friends who say we can't until you do x y and z I've always been shown love and support
00:47:50
but the thing about addiction or just life in general like you gotta want something for yourself
00:47:56
like I had so many things happen where you would have thought I would change I've had I tried
00:48:04
to change for boyfriends I tried to change for my mom I tried to change for my career I tried to change for vain
00:48:10
Reasons I'm like well I'll look younger and be skinnier I'll stop drinking for
00:48:14
that none of that [ __ ] works I had to and wanted to get sober January 2nd 2022
00:48:23
because I said I deserve more I deserve more out of this life I have to try it a different way and I
00:48:32
have to be willing to just commit to it you know because binge drinking I would be sober for three months then relapse
00:48:41
be sober for a week relapse and I never the really crazy thing is I never let it
00:48:45
get in the way of my job because my career has always been so important but when I'd go home at night
00:48:54
it would just be like so dark and I'd be so in my head about it but I it would be so dark I was thinking
00:49:02
then because my business partner described it as he there was a pain he was trying to escape which we just never
00:49:06
realized he had a pain in his in his life in his mind I would find him downstairs through him in the morning in
00:49:11
the laundry room with the lights off drinking I thought just he just loves alcohol right that's what people think
00:49:17
or like oh you like to party yeah exactly but but I came to learn that there was a pain he was escaping that he
00:49:23
hadn't addressed yes is that the same in your situation where there was an unaddressed pain or issue that you think
00:49:29
you were using alcohol as a Escape mechanism for yes definitely I mean alcohol isn't the problem the problem is
00:49:35
this feeling inside of me alcohol was the solution you know for a while it was my solution I'm like oh I don't have to
00:49:41
think about being good enough or or whatever the problem was like it worked for a really long time until it just
00:49:49
left me feeling depressed anxious lonely just worthless but there is a big misconception about
00:49:58
people who struggle in this way is that oh they're weak they just can't not do it or they
00:50:06
like to party or they just like booze it's so much more than that and um yeah for me it was definitely old
00:50:16
stuff old feelings pain I I do think that like I said I would have struggled with this no matter what I did for a
00:50:24
living but I think finding success at an early age and the people pleasing and and and trying to be
00:50:34
what people wanted me to be made me feel like a fraud right because like now I can show up exactly who I am and share
00:50:41
my story and to actually be able to talk about this is so freeing because it doesn't
00:50:47
it's not like I'm it's chaining me down anymore like it it takes the power away
00:50:52
from it like I can be Lucy which is not always cute at times you know like it's
00:50:58
dark and disgusting and scary and that's what makes us all complex amazing beautiful human beings is we've all got
00:51:05
this Shadow Self and were you happy in that chapter that's 16 to 19 chapter was I'm like um I'm getting a big
00:51:14
paycheck I'm happy I'm no like that's not real happiness you know you
00:51:21
I had told myself the lies of you're happy or I felt guilty for not being happy because how could I not be
00:51:30
happy I have x y and nobody wants to hear about someone in my position being unhappy right like let's just be real
00:51:36
nobody wants to really hear about that but at the end of the day I've had to allow
00:51:41
and I believed that too I ran with that Lucy you don't deserve to be unhappy how
00:51:45
dare you feel these things but now I know I'm a human being and Everything's Relative and I
00:51:56
it's okay for me to have these very human experiences and I found the people in my life that I
00:52:02
can talk to about it and um was I happy I had moments of being very happy um but not like this not like this um
00:52:16
wherever I'm at in life right now it feels peaceful which I used to call boredom I have
00:52:23
moments where I'm bored I'm like ooh what kind of fire can I start today but
00:52:26
then I I ran that back in you know I never really usually pick the chocolate flavored heels my favorite are
00:52:32
the banana flavor I love The Salted Caramel flavor but recently I think I in part blame Jack in my team who's
00:52:40
obsessed with the chocolate flavor heals I've started drinking the chocolate
00:52:44
flavor heels for the first time and I absolutely love them my life means that I sometimes disregard my diet and it's
00:52:49
funny that's part of the reason why I've had a lot of guests on this podcast
00:52:52
recently that talk about diet and health and those kinds of things because I am trying to make an active effort to be
00:52:57
more healthy to lose a little bit of weight as well but to be more healthy and the role that he all plays in my
00:53:02
life is it means that in those moments where sometimes I might reach for you know junk Foods
00:53:10
having an option that is nutritionally complete that is high in fiber that is incredibly high in protein that has all
00:53:15
the vitamins and minerals that my body needs within Arm's Reach that I can consume on the go is where he always
00:53:21
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believe it's the best tool I've seen for doing really immersive simple but high
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quality production virtual events Pretty Little Liars yeah 20 years old yeah you
00:54:23
were doing another show right called privileged yes privileged yeah and they canceled that show
00:54:28
and that led to you being cast for pretty little lies yeah which is pretty amazing because the universe is yeah
00:54:34
yeah rejection can lead to redirection that is there's a really cool story there so I did this show called
00:54:42
privileged they canceled it I was devastated and the same producers said hey we have
00:54:50
this script it's based off of a book we think you'd be great for it and they said it's
00:54:56
called Pretty Little Liars and I'm like ah I was such a huge fan of those books
00:54:59
I read the script and it was the first time I had ever been offered something and so we get this offer but at the same
00:55:07
time so at this point it's just a pilot and no one knew what the success of it would be but at
00:55:14
the same time I got that offer I got the offer for something else which was like
00:55:18
a really I don't remember what it was called but it was a really shitty TV movie that I don't even think
00:55:25
did it get made yes it did get made and I at one point was thinking I want to take this movie because there was a
00:55:33
really cute guy attached to it you can see where that's where my head was at
00:55:35
was let's choose a part because of a cute guy and then it was almost overnight where I
00:55:42
just woke up the next morning and said you know what no because I would have had to choose between the two
00:55:48
that I think I should choose to show well thank God thank God but but it is such a great
00:55:55
example of how one door closes another one opens nothing is by coincidence in this life I firmly believe that I think
00:56:02
that everything happens exactly how it should and like having an open mind and seeing
00:56:10
the lesson and everything [Music] um makes for a happier life too but yeah it's crazy to think about that time
00:56:19
and now I mean pretty little lies became in your own words the biggest show in the world at one point yes I mean I
00:56:25
think I mean if it's one two or three I mean it's still the outcome is still the same
00:56:30
that your life irrevocably changes from that moment onwards um for better and For Worse one might
00:56:39
guess I think if you tell me why on both ends of that yeah okay I mean I it was a dream job like I could
00:56:54
I I now had the success I had wanted and the notoriety I felt valued and appreciated and uh
00:57:04
um on a super in a superficial way for bits and moments there were times when I thought my ACT there were times when I
00:57:10
didn't feel like I was being utilized in the right way I'm like I have so much
00:57:13
more to offer please let me you know there are other characters in the show that I wanted I wanted to be doing the
00:57:18
things they were doing but there were times when I I felt like I could really show
00:57:24
off my talents I guess um I mean it it was the launching pad for my whole career and and it's taken a
00:57:34
while outside of that show to get people to see me in a different light and I knew that when you're a part of
00:57:39
something that's that big people are seeing you every week like people still
00:57:43
call me Arya on the street you know I knew that it was going to be strategic moves for years to get people to see me
00:57:50
in a different way and I feel like I'm at this point now where people are giving me those opportunities but I've
00:57:55
worked really hard for that I have taken a bunch of different types of roles and
00:57:59
different types of characters post that to get to like show to show myself but also to show everyone like I'm not a
00:58:07
one-trick pony and I want to be doing this and if I'm uh lucky enough to get
00:58:12
to do I hope I can do this the rest of my life but um it it helps me hone my craft
00:58:19
I the fact that that show went for that long is almost unheard of like that just doesn't happen anymore
00:58:27
and I always laughed because there was a couple people on the show where it was their first job ever or their first
00:58:33
audition ever and the show went for that long I'm like this is not normal by the
00:58:37
way but it but it also posts that show because I've had some I don't want to view anything as a
00:58:45
failure but I've had things that were maybe viewed as failures post that and it kind
00:58:51
of which I'm also grateful for because it it gave me perspective of you know life is full of ups and downs
00:59:02
and it will always be that way no matter where I'm at in my career like people
00:59:05
aren't always going to like me or like my work every job I do is not going to be the
00:59:10
one that changes my life um and I've also realized like that's not where my happiness comes from
00:59:15
anymore my happiness is not going to come from I love what I do and I find so much joy
00:59:21
in it and I love creating and I love acting in a really new cool way the last couple of years but
00:59:29
it's always going to be a roller coaster when we have those successes in life
00:59:33
when when the dream we have is realized we I think before that we have an assumption that it'll fix a bunch of
00:59:37
stuff right so that's we aim for it we strive for it we get there and then in
00:59:41
some way it fails it makes you feel worse yeah yeah so what didn't it fixed everything everything it fixed literally
00:59:50
nothing if anything like there were more problems it like expedited the all of it
00:59:55
right because my life was under a microscope and um I mean it definitely cranked up those
01:00:03
dials to 10 when it came to my body dysmorphia myself my self-worth was at an all-time low
01:00:13
um I just didn't have the tools to how does anyone navigate that experience I don't
01:00:19
know how you navigate that in a healthy way um and I look back now and I'm like okay
01:00:24
I guess I handled it in the best way I knew how like I don't look back and shame myself over it all it's kind of
01:00:32
just like I was a kid and I was struggling but I was struggling publicly but no one knew
01:00:40
about it so that was almost harder because I was like dealing with all these big things
01:00:44
but I never wanted to talk about it because I was so ashamed and now I'm now I'm not ashamed of it
01:00:50
which is why I can talk about it but did you talk about it to anybody behind the
01:00:55
scenes what you were struggling with no it was pretty it was pretty private because I didn't want to be different I
01:01:01
wanted to blend in and if I talked about having issues that made me a Target I think people maybe knew of struggling
01:01:08
was there a Darkest Day a Darkest Day or a patch where you know I'm like where do where do we
01:01:16
begin uh interesting um I had many many what I thought were my emotional Rock bottoms dozens
01:01:27
and so that was why it was so hard is because I'm like Oh I thought we went to
01:01:31
the depths of hell like how do we possibly how could it be worse and and from the outside that was was crazy no
01:01:38
one would have known so it was like I was everything externally didn't match
01:01:43
what was happening internally so then I just felt like a fraud I was like this isn't adding up and it's not real and
01:01:49
it's not right I want things to match up in look the same I just felt like totally
01:01:55
undeserving of everything that was happening a Darkest Day yeah I mean I had many
01:02:02
but I'd always pull myself out of it like if I have one thing I'm resilient
01:02:06
like I don't really give myself a lot of that's not true I do positive affirmations for myself all day these
01:02:12
days but but I know that my resilience is what's slingshotted me the other way did you
01:02:20
ever think about quitting acting but during that period of between 16 and 28 when you left oh yeah yeah
01:02:26
yeah yeah I seriously well not maybe not seriously because I didn't know what
01:02:32
else I was good at I didn't think I was interesting I didn't think I was smart I
01:02:35
didn't like all of these things I actually was like what would I do um and so I I at times had the thought
01:02:47
could I do something else could I go home after this um but I never packed my bags or made a
01:02:54
call to someone and told them but but but there were times in my 20s where I was just thinking is this
01:03:02
what I want to do but but then it became about it wasn't because I disliked acting I
01:03:07
loved it and I and I always knew I was good at it but it was just how do I manage my emotions and do what I love I
01:03:14
was like I don't know how to do that now I know how to I mean I still have bad
01:03:18
days but I know how to handle it better it's hard it's hard I I don't know it's
01:03:24
it's a constant you know starting a new job I really have to make sure I have my
01:03:32
plan in place for what helps me feel safe do you have a plunder if you would have
01:03:38
been overall happier for the last 33 years had you not been an actress I think about that all the time what do
01:03:46
you think the answer is no you think you would have been happier no I I mean maybe
01:03:53
I would have had longer periods of happiness but I do believe that where I'm at now what I've gone through to get
01:04:01
the happiness I have now like this is where I'm supposed to be and this is how
01:04:05
I'm supposed to feel and I don't think I would have gotten through that without the job I have or
01:04:10
the things I've been through I know it sounds grateful to say I'm happy that I struggled with addiction or
01:04:18
whatever it is but I am I I just think that in order for me to feel whole and survive is to be creative
01:04:28
and I I actually crave creating and and and acting and I and I was there have been moments in my
01:04:38
life where I was scared that oh my God I'm gonna have to keep doing this and
01:04:42
not know if I love it and it was I did this show and the moment where it all like happened for me
01:04:49
was the show I did called Katie Keane short-lived another short-lived CW Series I did I've had three
01:04:56
shows on CW that only went one season it's kind of a running joke no anyway whatever
01:05:02
Katie Keane New York it was the show that made me fall in love with acting because I
01:05:08
I don't I and I don't even know what happened I mean it was a great show
01:05:11
great people so much fun living in New York but maybe I stepped into my confidence more
01:05:21
I don't know I just feel grateful that I can say oh God I like what I do because
01:05:24
that would be a bummer to like do all these things and then say and I could and that's the reality like
01:05:30
today I could say you know what I don't want to act anymore and I know that that's an option and is and I know that
01:05:35
I'm lucky to know that I have options like I have perspective on that too but I also feel lucky that I do want to
01:05:42
wake up and say I want to go I want to go act today I want to go work with these people and
01:05:48
collaborate um did you have a life throughout that that pretty little liar was there a life
01:05:54
outside of the show was there no relationships and oh yeah socializing and tons of failed relationships no I uh
01:06:03
yeah I had a social life uh it was a lot of work we were doing that nine months out of the year for
01:06:10
eight years but but yeah I I dated and and it traveled and failed relationships yeah oh yeah
01:06:21
yeah I uh why did they fail I think well some of them we were just young and they're not supposed to work out but I
01:06:31
do think I you know and I'm very careful to not talk poorly about people ever
01:06:41
[Music] um and I do also realize my part of the equation I'm not I've never point the
01:06:49
fingers and say this person like I fully realize why some of those crash and burned because it was
01:06:54
you know hurt people hurt people that's like a classic thing uh I just think I
01:06:59
was maybe attracting people that were a perfect storm for my new self-wife low self-worth chaos like
01:07:06
I was attracting uh either people that had similar issues as me and so it felt comfortable or it
01:07:15
felt like oh I can focus on this issue or your issue and try and fix them and try and fix them because it
01:07:22
gave me a one-up or you know have you I'm sure you've read about like love
01:07:27
addiction like love avoidant love addiction oh yeah like attachment Stars yeah and I always thought I was a love
01:07:33
addict because I just wanted people to like me I wanted this guy to like me and everything would be fine
01:07:40
but the truth is I actually think I have fallen more under love avoidant because
01:07:45
when people get too close oop they're gonna see me They're Gonna Know Who I
01:07:49
Really Am they're gonna leave so I'm gonna blow this thing up before they
01:07:51
leave me but I can tend to fall into love addiction Behavior if they like out avoid me does that make sense so if
01:08:02
someone is more avoided than I am anyway so yes failed relationships but but we the first model of love we learn
01:08:10
is our our parents no I totally get it I I grew up thinking love wasn't safe or
01:08:16
safe thing or I thought it was prison yeah or if love is this I don't want that are you kidding me so I never
01:08:25
really had a model of what a relationship should be and and I maybe because my parents got divorced
01:08:36
and I spent more time with my mom that I was drawing in more people who were similar to my dad you know there's that
01:08:43
element where are you now with my with my dad with you with my relationship yeah with on that journey of like
01:08:51
understanding love and how to form an attachment with someone in a healthy way yeah with the right person
01:08:57
I think the only if I you know I'm single now but the in order for me to want to be in
01:09:05
a relationship it goes back to like meeting me where I'm at and what by that I mean like I oh
01:09:12
I think that the type of relationship I'm seeking out is with another person
01:09:16
who is whole and doesn't need me and doesn't need this relationship to give
01:09:20
them an identity um and I think that that is where people thrive is when people have
01:09:28
really gone Inward and know their strengths and weaknesses and know what they have to offer and are willing
01:09:35
to grow and heal and evolve and and I've never had that like I've never had a relationship that felt
01:09:45
safe or like I could really show up as myself um I do think that you know being sober is
01:09:55
really important to me and like that's my number one priority because I know
01:09:58
that when I do that everything else is fine so I'd love to find someone who has an understanding of that element of
01:10:07
my life too I mean I'm so open to it and ready but I also am not desperate for it
01:10:13
like I'm not needing because I like many people used men and relationships to
01:10:19
fill a void like it's easy to get addicted to people too and that's actually the easiest it's like oh I have
01:10:26
a really cool new boyfriend like I can focus on this for a year and not focus on what I should be focusing on
01:10:32
um and now I just yeah I just feel open and whatever is coming my way I'm ready for it I
01:10:41
really believe that um life after Pretty Little Liars yeah you referenced this earlier I I can't
01:10:48
imagine the situation where something is everything it's nine months a year working when you're not working you're
01:10:54
doing interviews about the thing everyone stops you everywhere you go to talk about it it's it's all consuming
01:10:58
and then it ends yeah it was weird it was weird and bizarre and scary because that level of notoriety and fame
01:11:15
success whatever you want to call it that is not really sustainable and will I ever reach that again in my career
01:11:23
maybe who knows I don't know but if I don't it's okay but because it was here
01:11:29
for so long for most of my 20s and then when the show stopped and things did shift like
01:11:36
I wasn't getting certain calls like I wasn't being invited to certain things
01:11:40
people move on quickly right like people just love content like they will move on
01:11:45
to a new show and and it was so scary to be like where where do I forget fit in do will people remember me and it's like
01:11:52
chasing this high of whatever that experience was and then I came to realize like that's so
01:12:04
exhausting like I feel like I'm okay now if I were to just do jobs under the
01:12:08
radar for the rest of my life you know I like I said I mentioned earlier like having a couple of failed experiences
01:12:17
post Pretty Little Liars like really gave me kind of grounded me in in a cool way I feel like I needed that
01:12:27
um was it you described it as a dark time that the post PLL pretty little lies yeah um phase of your life yeah and
01:12:36
that's because you've got like I guess maybe you've got a I'm assuming
01:12:40
here but you've got to re-find out who you are again outside of the show it was that it was like
01:12:48
am I going to work again you know I think we not we are I've had some conversations with people in this a
01:12:55
similar position where I wanted to work but you didn't because people only want to see you as that one
01:13:03
thing and I I'm also grateful for that period because then that was when I got to
01:13:09
discover who I am outside of that who am I outside of my job who are you who I can say
01:13:18
that I I've always wanted to lead authentically and to show up however I am at any given moment
01:13:31
whatever that looks like and I have not been able to do that until recently I feel like I am confident in what I have
01:13:40
to offer I'm comfortable with who I am I'm a good friend I'm loyal I'm honest to a fault
01:13:48
if you're in my circle have your back no matter the situation I talk about the
01:13:53
hard [ __ ] I lead with my heart I Believe In Justice more than anything even if it's like I see someone cutting
01:14:00
someone in line like that's not right I'm passionate as hell and I do believe my intentions with
01:14:08
people are good and at the end of the day I can sleep at night really well because I like who I am
01:14:15
and it's just as simple as that I like my choices but as you say that's been a journey
01:14:20
right yeah yeah you used the word earlier use the word compassion to describe you know you talk about that like
01:14:28
in a child work that you've done yeah um how do you feel about that person that
01:14:34
you that went through that Journey what would you say to that person if they were sat on a chair they were on a third
01:14:41
chair on this table yeah what would you try and I uh I've actually done that
01:14:45
exercise where you write a letter to your younger self and um I feel I feel so badly now that I
01:14:58
shunned her and like didn't I'm gonna talk about myself as a her and me this is me younger me is
01:15:04
her I didn't give her a chance to speak up like whereas now I'm like what was
01:15:11
hurting you so bad that you needed to do that like I kind of give her the stage to talk about her feelings
01:15:17
and I really truly believe that I was handling it in the best way I knew how at the time now I would handle it
01:15:23
differently because I have the tools I have this like spiritual emotional tool belt that if I'm feeling sad or whatever
01:15:28
I'm like okay we'll do this but I didn't know I didn't know any better and I was doing the best I could
01:15:36
and I am proud of that of my younger self because we went through a lot like more things than I
01:15:48
could ever possibly say in a podcast and so many people don't even know about
01:15:53
that part of me but it was hard and dark and maybe I shouldn't have even gotten out of it and I did and
01:16:01
that's so cool and I feel Brave and courageous and and I know that I went through those
01:16:09
things to talk about it why else do you go through [ __ ] like you're you're
01:16:12
supposed to share your experiences because it will reach someone and um I just compassion is the perfect word
01:16:21
for my younger self when we I'm talking in hindsight we often create the impression that
01:16:30
and I do this a lot that everything is great now and that's just like not the
01:16:35
nature of life right life continues to be a roller coaster um what are the things now that you're
01:16:40
still you still work on oh boy I'm so emotionally impulsive and responsive like because I'm so
01:16:51
I guess the word is passionate but I I really sometimes it's hard for me to see all sides of the coin and like see
01:17:01
someone else's perspective I and I work on that a lot I I don't have all the patients in the world
01:17:13
but I I struggle with what people think of me a lot I struggle with what am I doing why are you here what
01:17:24
are you talking about like those that that inner critic is loud sometimes um it's it's really what have you done in
01:17:34
terms of you know you struggle with what people think about you sometimes you've
01:17:38
got like shitloads of followers you know you've got a lot of people that are giving their opinion on you at all
01:17:45
times [Music] what have you done in terms of practical steps to protect yourself
01:17:52
um well I've read somewhere that you went you did like a rehab like a digital
01:17:55
rehab at some point in your life I mean I do my own version of digital detoxing which is simply it's not the first thing
01:18:04
I look at in the morning I don't grab from my phone and I turn my phone on do
01:18:09
not disturb at like seven and I don't look at it until the morning unless it's
01:18:13
to text Kate over there um but I were you addicted to your phone I'm still addicted
01:18:19
it's nuts I'm like yeah I can go without getting Wi-Fi on this two hour flight
01:18:24
cut to me putting in my credit card info it's so and it's this need it's not
01:18:29
to to know what people are thinking of me but I am addicted to being available all the time and that and I feel we're
01:18:37
all guilty of that like just being glued to this phone and texting back immediately or I don't feel
01:18:44
the pressure to like socially like on social media I don't feel that pressure to need to
01:18:52
always be present anymore um a lot of times in my career I have felt like it's expected in that
01:18:59
can feel a little draining Because unless something feels authentic I don't want to do it like I don't want to have
01:19:05
to do it I feel like I'm at this point now in my career where I don't need to
01:19:11
so I kind of just do what I want which is nice and freeing um but I do think it's important to
01:19:17
disconnect and that looks different for everyone um 30s I'm in my 30s as well
01:19:25
congratulations thank you yeah it's nice isn't it it's nice it's really nice yeah
01:19:29
20s is always well for me it was a bit of a mess uh so trying to figure yourself out and you know dealing with
01:19:34
all these emotions and trying to whatever but um in this next chapter of your life
01:19:41
what are you manifesting for Lucy I mean here's something I've been working on recently because I am truly a
01:19:51
believer in creating the life you want I believe our thoughts are powerful our thoughts create everything but I think
01:19:58
where I've gotten stuck or in trouble or where a lot of people might be stuck is
01:20:03
that we you know we manifest a person a job whatever but then we hold on to tightly of to the expectation of what
01:20:10
that is um so it's like now I'm at this point where I want to manifest specific things but be okay if
01:20:20
it doesn't work out exactly how I think and kind of looking at it as being kind
01:20:26
of neutral with life it's just like living freely like going with the flow I
01:20:31
don't typically go with the flow I'm not a go with the flow kind of gal um but I you know my priorities are a
01:20:37
little different now like I do want a family I think recently I'm I decided I
01:20:41
do want kids I have two lovely dogs my goal now I want to farm with goats and chickens and
01:20:48
so many dogs and I just want to keep you know I can say so many things about my career and if I'm lucky enough to
01:20:56
work and create and do all the roles I want to do like that's freaking amazing
01:21:00
but mainly I love discovering more about myself and why I am the way I am and why people are the
01:21:07
way they are like I think this whole journey of self-discovery and self-healing is one that's constant
01:21:12
there is no end goal and I'm just going to keep it's a marathon not a Sprint so I just want to
01:21:18
keep on this really beautiful path then I'm on you proud of yourself yeah yeah
01:21:29
and it's not for the reasons you might think I mean if I'm proud of my work ethic and and the things I've
01:21:38
accomplished but I'm proud that I've faced what I thought were my worst fears
01:21:45
about myself I am proud of how I show up every day I'm proud of how we treat people I'm proud of having
01:21:58
this conversation with you I just knew I was like okay well I'm not gonna have
01:22:02
any expectations about what this is going to be I'm just going to follow his
01:22:05
lead and you present such a safe space and I'm grateful that you allowed me to
01:22:12
be myself I'm going to ask you a really interesting question I don't think I've
01:22:16
ever not gonna cry again what is wrong with me okay go ahead okay why does that make you emotional
01:22:27
because I don't really I I feel like I I think it's because I am proud of
01:22:32
myself I think it's because I don't always have these conversations or I
01:22:35
haven't always shown up how I want to show up I cry because this is just who I am today I'm a weepy
01:22:45
emotional version of myself and you spend a lot of time acting right yeah literally yeah
01:23:00
it's so I've come to learn so much from doing this this um this show about the
01:23:05
negative effect of prolonged periods of living outside of yourself and what I mean by that is like the authenticity
01:23:12
like the the damage that does to one of escaping yourself for whatever reason whether it's for success or work or
01:23:19
whether it's trying to escape some trauma or some some other thing that's
01:23:23
living deep with inside of you but either way the attempt to escape yourself through creating an identity or
01:23:28
alcohol or whatever it always seems to just be such an unsustainable it's not
01:23:33
painful process that causes more harm and even more reason to escape yourself paradoxically exactly
01:23:40
um and that's really transparent in your story because if for many reasons obviously but but also because of your
01:23:46
you know that's the job the job is to be you know uh someone else yeah yeah quite
01:23:54
literally yeah but you know also no wonder I got into my line of work because oh I don't have to figure out
01:24:00
who I am I can do all these things and be all these people people want me to be that's why I got away with it so long
01:24:05
and then I was like oh The Jig Is up we gotta discover who I am it's gonna be
01:24:09
hard and scary but yeah we have a closing tradition on this podcast where the last guest asks a
01:24:17
question for the next guest do you speak to yourself the way you speak to those that you love
01:24:26
that's a really beautiful question um I'd say about half of the time now I do
01:24:36
I really feel like I show up for my friends and I'm a words of affirmation gal like
01:24:44
I always let people know I'm grateful for them and I'm just like a lover you
01:24:48
know like I want people in my life to know I love them and I but I can also have like a venomous
01:24:53
tongue sometimes like I'm not to yourself to others some it's like I can
01:24:57
emotionally respond to people in an unkind way but I always hold myself accountable so to answer
01:25:05
that question I can be very kind and at times unkind to the people I love the most and it's similar to myself the the
01:25:14
cruel inner critic self-critic I I I only do to myself and you know I'm still finding ways to quiet that voice
01:25:24
but I have made it a habit to say nice things about myself and and it feels silly sometimes and a
01:25:33
little like not egotistical but like saying kind affirmations to yourself feels really
01:25:40
bizarre at the beginning because we almost think it's unhumble or does that make sense like uh but I
01:25:48
yeah I take time out of my day to be say cool things to myself kind things to myself as well but
01:25:55
um but I'm still working on the voice that's not so nice speaking of kind things um
01:26:03
also never asked anybody this question before but um seems quite relevant in your story because I was just reflecting
01:26:08
on that story you told about your mother appending her life to come to LA with her her teenage daughter to pursue her
01:26:14
her dreams when you when you look back on the journey you've you've had so far
01:26:18
what who if there were like you know a couple of people that you you wanted to say thank you to even
01:26:25
though thank you would never really be enough to explain the Gratitude you have for
01:26:29
them who are those individuals you can include yourself if that's relevant at
01:26:32
all um I mean definitely my mom but I tell her this all the time thank you uh my manager who
01:26:42
I also tell all the time thank you she my I would not be where I am personally or professionally without her and she's
01:26:53
gone well beyond being a manager she has been the most humankind patient gracious
01:26:59
selfless woman to me when she didn't have to be um it's hard for me to choose this because
01:27:09
I'm such a I tell people all the time because that's how I receive love is
01:27:13
like I want to hear it so I always make it a point to tell people I've I've been
01:27:17
so lucky along the way of having people that have been very good to me but um there's one
01:27:23
woman in particular who is still a friend but her name is Joanna Garcia she's an actress and she was
01:27:31
number one on the call she lead of the show privileged I did on the CW and I remember
01:27:38
how she so num so for people that don't know number one on the call sheet is
01:27:43
kind of It kind of goes in from biggest role like lead to there are no small parts but you know
01:27:50
what I'm saying she was the lead of the show and she treated everyone with such
01:27:54
kindness and Grace and and I remember and she was so good to me and I was like I want to be like that
01:28:03
that's the kind of number one on a show I want to be not even more than that
01:28:07
that's the kind of person I want to be she knew everyone's name and and she had such an impact on me and I
01:28:16
don't know if I've ever actually told her that that she is still someone I think about
01:28:22
it's almost like what would Joanna do I could still I could wear the what would
01:28:26
Jesus do bracelet what would I want to do uh and it's people like that I've been
01:28:32
really fortunate with the people I've worked with in my life that have inspired me so thanks Joanna leaping
01:28:39
back to the start of this conversation um it was really startling to me that you hadn't had many conversations
01:28:44
like this before it like really baffled me it's actually the thing I was saying
01:28:47
before you arrived because I go on YouTube I go on whatever and I'm so superficial I'm so tired of talking
01:28:52
about my beauty routine I could just die like I can't do it anymore but it was it
01:28:58
was so like I was literally over there watching a video where it was like when's the first time you had a cup of
01:29:02
coffee do you remember the one and I mean also I just yeah I mean no I don't because they all
01:29:08
kind of blend I mean it was like a buzzfeed thing where they're asking you these questions
01:29:13
I just found it so surprising that you'd never really never really got to know who who Lucy
01:29:20
was and I think and I'm grateful no one's asked a lot of these questions before
01:29:26
because I don't think I was ready I don't think I knew how to answer them
01:29:30
so I uh I feel similarly like I feel like there's so much more to me that people might realize or that I have to
01:29:40
talk about um but I do believe in the timing of life and I just maybe I wasn't
01:29:47
quite ready to answer those big questions Lucy thank you so much you're amazing thank you so much for this thank
01:29:53
you [Music] you got to the end of this podcast whenever someone gets to the end of this
01:30:18
podcast I feel like I owe them a greater debt of gratitude because that means you
01:30:22
listen to the whole thing and hopefully that suggests that you enjoyed it if you
01:30:25
are at the end and you enjoyed this podcast could you do me a little bit of a favor and hit that subscribe button
01:30:31
that's one of the clearest indicators we have that this episode was a good episode and we look at that on all of
01:30:35
the episodes to see which episodes generated the most subscribers thank you so much and I'll see you again
01:30:41
next time