00:00:00
you have to go to a dark place sometimes
00:00:02
to like get to that point
00:00:05
who
00:00:07
[Music]
00:00:12
we are so excited to have Lucy Hale
00:00:15
she's been in the spotlight since she
00:00:16
was just a kid stars on the hit show
00:00:18
Pretty Little Liars and now I'm a movie
00:00:19
star not what you were expecting you
00:00:22
might be the first real deep
00:00:23
conversation I've had it's dark
00:00:25
disgusting and scary I wish I could go
00:00:28
back and tell my 16 year old self buckle
00:00:30
up girl we're gonna go through some
00:00:33
foreign
00:00:35
[Applause]
00:00:37
assumption that it'll fix a bunch of
00:00:39
stuff what didn't it fix I struggled
00:00:42
with the eating disorder because society
00:00:43
makes it really freaking hard to like
00:00:46
the way you look I hated myself so much
00:00:49
that I couldn't even give it basic needs
00:00:51
like food I did not feel worthy of the
00:00:54
success or the career or the people in
00:00:56
my life and then the coping mechanisms
00:00:58
were like incredibly self-destructive
00:01:01
I've been working on getting sober since
00:01:02
I was 20. I just like held on to that
00:01:05
belief that real Lucy came out when she
00:01:07
was drinking I tried to change for my
00:01:09
mom I tried to change for my career one
00:01:11
of my best friends died of alcoholism
00:01:13
and that still didn't make me want to
00:01:15
get sober none of that Works alcohol
00:01:18
isn't the problem the problem is this
00:01:20
feeling inside of me I have to try it a
00:01:22
different way was there a Darkest Day
00:01:27
[Music]
00:01:31
I just want to start this episode with a
00:01:33
message of thanks a thank you to
00:01:35
everybody that Tunes in to listen to
00:01:36
this podcast by doing so you've enabled
00:01:38
me to live out my dream but also for
00:01:41
many members of our team to live out
00:01:43
their dreams too it's one of the
00:01:44
greatest privileges I could never have
00:01:46
dreamed of or imagined in my life to get
00:01:47
to do this to get to learn from these
00:01:49
people to get to have these
00:01:50
conversations to get to interrogate them
00:01:52
from a very selfish perspective trying
00:01:54
to solve problems I have in my life so I
00:01:56
feel like I owe you a huge thank you for
00:01:58
being here and for listening to these
00:01:59
episodes and for making this platform
00:02:00
what it is can I ask you a favor I can't
00:02:03
tell you how much you can change the
00:02:05
course of this podcast the the course of
00:02:07
the guests were able to invite to the
00:02:09
show and to the course of everything
00:02:11
that we do here just by doing one simple
00:02:13
thing and that simple thing is hitting
00:02:15
that subscribe button helps this channel
00:02:16
more than I could ever explain the
00:02:18
guests on this platform are incredible
00:02:20
because so many of you have hit that
00:02:22
button and I know when we think about
00:02:24
what we want to do together over the
00:02:25
next year on this show a lot of it is
00:02:28
going to be fueled by the amount of you
00:02:29
that are subscribed in that tune into
00:02:31
this show every week so thank you let's
00:02:33
keep doing this and I can't wait to see
00:02:35
what this year brings for this show for
00:02:36
us as a community and for this platform
00:02:40
[Music]
00:02:49
I tend to start these podcasts in a very
00:02:51
similar way and I think in your case
00:02:53
it's never been more pertinent to start
00:02:55
in that way which is
00:02:57
to understand your context I've got to
00:02:59
be honest I I read a lot about you
00:03:01
online but I couldn't really get to the
00:03:04
very Crux of like who you are and why
00:03:06
you are that way and it was really
00:03:09
really surprising to me because it
00:03:10
almost appeared that you hadn't done a
00:03:14
proper
00:03:15
slightly deeper interview before no I
00:03:19
think it's so interesting you word it
00:03:21
that way because I actually didn't know
00:03:24
who I was until very recently and I
00:03:27
think that's because and yes you might
00:03:29
be the first
00:03:31
um
00:03:32
real deep conversation I've had publicly
00:03:36
and that's part of the reason why I
00:03:37
wanted to do this because I'll start off
00:03:39
with saying I just think you're so
00:03:41
amazing you're obviously very
00:03:43
intelligent but like you lead with your
00:03:44
heart and I was like oh I feel like this
00:03:46
would be a good match for us to kind of
00:03:48
talk but
00:03:49
yeah I I think because
00:03:54
I I moved to LA when I was 15 and
00:03:57
started working pretty young that my
00:04:00
identity became
00:04:02
what I did for a living and my
00:04:04
accomplishments and my successes or
00:04:07
failures within my career space so it
00:04:12
took me a long time to figure out
00:04:14
who I was or who I wanted to be like to
00:04:17
people would ask me what kind of person
00:04:19
are you and I actually couldn't answer
00:04:21
it I had no idea and through a series of
00:04:26
um
00:04:27
I guess we'll call it speed bumps just
00:04:29
we all have our own personal journey I
00:04:31
have
00:04:31
I'm slowly like peeling away that onion
00:04:34
of
00:04:35
of who I am and it turns out like that
00:04:37
person's always been here I just
00:04:41
forgot she was there or like kind of put
00:04:43
her in the basement if you will but
00:04:46
um
00:04:48
but yeah it's been an interest it's been
00:04:50
a really powerful
00:04:52
last year for me
00:04:54
um
00:04:55
I will give you a heads up I cry all the
00:04:57
time so just I'm I'm getting you ready I
00:05:01
also have big eyes and they get really
00:05:02
glassy but I I get emotional when I
00:05:04
speak about these things because
00:05:06
I just love
00:05:09
where I've landed in my life and it's
00:05:11
been a really
00:05:14
um
00:05:15
Jesus I didn't know I'd get like
00:05:16
emotional this early on
00:05:18
um it's just been a really
00:05:22
powerful and painful insightful joyous
00:05:27
horrible journey and I um
00:05:31
love that I can sit across from you now
00:05:32
and be my most authentic self so that's
00:05:36
a long way of saying I'm glad to be here
00:05:39
and it's not is it it makes you
00:05:41
emotional because you're happy where you
00:05:43
are now
00:05:44
I I mean I I've always kind of felt like
00:05:48
an open wound if if that makes sense
00:05:50
like even as a kid I just felt like I
00:05:54
felt things in a really deep way
00:05:58
um you could call that maybe
00:05:59
codependency or
00:06:02
um taking on problems that weren't mine
00:06:04
but now I get emotional because
00:06:08
of the perspective and just
00:06:11
having pride and in the choices I've
00:06:14
made and
00:06:16
um and it's not it's not an emotional
00:06:18
tears in a sad way it's more just Joy
00:06:21
whereas I've been happy at different
00:06:23
points in my life but I hadn't ever
00:06:25
experienced joy and to me the difference
00:06:27
in happiness and being joyous joyous is
00:06:31
long-term and sustainable and it doesn't
00:06:33
come from anything external
00:06:36
comes from here and
00:06:39
um
00:06:40
and I had always heard people say that
00:06:42
that like true happiness comes from
00:06:44
yourself and I was like I don't what
00:06:47
what are you doing like okay shut up
00:06:48
like I don't know what you're talking
00:06:49
about but but it really does and it's
00:06:51
been
00:06:53
um
00:06:54
a slow grind
00:06:59
so let's start from the beginning then
00:07:01
um your context before the age of
00:07:04
10 years old growing up in Memphis bring
00:07:07
me into that world like what do I what
00:07:09
do I need to know about that that
00:07:10
chapter in your life to understand
00:07:12
the journey and the direction that
00:07:14
Journey took
00:07:16
um yeah so from Memphis
00:07:18
uh families all still in Tennessee I
00:07:20
have an older sister who I adore and
00:07:23
admire so so much
00:07:26
um I
00:07:28
mainly lived with my mom growing up my
00:07:31
dad's still in the picture but they were
00:07:32
divorced really young
00:07:34
and I was just what was I like as a
00:07:37
child I was
00:07:41
I think as long as I can remember I've
00:07:44
always felt kind of like
00:07:46
and I don't mean this in a sad way like
00:07:49
in a victim way I've always felt like I
00:07:51
was on the outside looking in like I
00:07:52
never had a lot of friends I never felt
00:07:55
the need to
00:07:57
make friends or be social like after
00:07:59
school I wouldn't
00:08:01
want to go to a friend's house I would I
00:08:04
would rush to get home to go be alone
00:08:06
with myself so I've kind of always
00:08:08
craved this feeling of needing Solitude
00:08:11
because that's when I could sort of
00:08:14
be myself and I felt that as early as
00:08:17
you know 10 years old
00:08:19
but um
00:08:22
I guess my love of entertaining
00:08:25
uh came from
00:08:29
my mom was married to this man who heard
00:08:32
me singing in my room when I was
00:08:34
probably like six or seven
00:08:36
I loved Aladdin I loved Disney movies
00:08:37
and I I vividly remember like pretending
00:08:41
to be Jasmine on the Magic Carpet and I
00:08:43
would just sing with my little tapes and
00:08:46
and he told my mom like Lucy's got a
00:08:48
good voice
00:08:49
and up until that point I had never you
00:08:53
know I was too young to even know what
00:08:54
being a singer meant but
00:08:57
that led to taking singing lessons which
00:09:00
led to performing around Memphis and
00:09:02
mind you I hated performing live like I
00:09:06
felt for someone who's an introvert
00:09:08
and someone who loves Solitude being on
00:09:11
stage and I'm sure we'll talk about this
00:09:13
later like I ended up doing music as an
00:09:15
adult and I still had that same feeling
00:09:17
I just felt so exposed and it was really
00:09:20
scary and I ran a little anxious
00:09:23
um
00:09:25
but anyway so I I grew up performing in
00:09:28
that way and then I found out what it
00:09:30
meant to be an actor this is probably
00:09:32
around age 13 or 14. and we found this
00:09:38
small agent who
00:09:40
was like Lucy should audition for this
00:09:43
show that Disney's doing called Hannah
00:09:45
Montana this was years before they cast
00:09:47
Miley Cyrus and it was then it was that
00:09:50
moment in that audition where I was
00:09:52
thinking oh I can act and sing at the
00:09:54
same time like this is my dream this is
00:09:56
my way out you know and um way out
00:10:00
I'll get yeah I'll
00:10:02
you're so smart yes so I I now as an
00:10:05
adult I'll Circle back around to it
00:10:08
um because you know how I said it was
00:10:10
hard for me to say what kind of person
00:10:12
am I
00:10:14
it was also hard for me up until
00:10:16
recently to to know why I wanted to be
00:10:18
an actor I didn't know why until
00:10:20
recently and I'll Circle back around to
00:10:22
it but um
00:10:24
so it was this Hannah Montana audition
00:10:26
which led to
00:10:27
knowing what a pilot season was and
00:10:30
pilot season for anyone listening is
00:10:31
when they don't really have a pilot
00:10:33
season anymore because of streaming and
00:10:35
and everything but it's when a network
00:10:38
pays money for one episode to see if
00:10:40
they want to invest in doing a series
00:10:42
you know what a pilot season is but um I
00:10:45
talked to my mom into moving out to
00:10:46
California and when I mean taught I
00:10:49
didn't talk her into it I think it was
00:10:50
perfect timing for her
00:10:52
and for me
00:10:54
and we packed up our Prius and all of
00:10:57
our stuff which wasn't a lot I come from
00:11:00
a very simple upbringing
00:11:02
and my mom was a travel nurse she cashed
00:11:05
in her retirement
00:11:07
for us to move out here and I always ask
00:11:09
her now I'm like how did you
00:11:12
how did you do that like that's kind of
00:11:14
insane
00:11:15
and she and I'm sure she has her
00:11:18
personal reasons too but
00:11:20
she was like I kind of just had this
00:11:22
feeling it was gonna work out for you
00:11:26
that also makes me cry and I also think
00:11:28
it's really funny because if it hadn't
00:11:29
worked out I'd be screwed because I
00:11:31
didn't graduate high school I
00:11:34
wouldn't know where I belonged like
00:11:37
I think my lucky stars that it did work
00:11:39
out because
00:11:41
um
00:11:42
life would would look a lot different
00:11:44
I'm sure
00:11:45
um and then so we moved to LA planning
00:11:48
to stay for three months at 15 and I
00:11:49
never left and I've been here almost 20
00:11:51
years
00:11:52
and now I guess it's a good segue into
00:11:55
what I meant by a way out
00:11:58
and I guess what I mean by that is
00:12:01
I never felt
00:12:05
I knew that life
00:12:08
there was not I didn't feel like home I
00:12:11
never knew where I fit in
00:12:14
um I felt I love my family so much but I
00:12:17
always felt like the black sheep of the
00:12:19
family I just felt different even as a
00:12:20
little kid
00:12:22
and um
00:12:24
and it's no wonder that I got into
00:12:26
acting because that was I was always in
00:12:30
my imagination like my coping mechanism
00:12:32
was like Dreamland in my head and like
00:12:35
fantasizing about what my future would
00:12:37
look like well if you believe in the
00:12:39
power of manifestation my future looked
00:12:42
like this
00:12:43
like little lucy kind of created this
00:12:45
this whole life for myself and I just
00:12:48
knew I wanted
00:12:50
something different you know you use the
00:12:53
word coping mechanism yes I'm really I'm
00:12:56
really compelled by that okay because I
00:12:58
sat with Maisie Williams
00:13:00
um that
00:13:01
was another reason why I really wanted
00:13:03
to do this because I thought that
00:13:05
episode in particular was so powerful
00:13:07
really moving
00:13:10
um
00:13:11
yeah that yeah I I've got chills then
00:13:15
just thinking about it because
00:13:17
and as you were speaking there was a lot
00:13:19
of like through lines and similarities
00:13:21
as to what you were saying like Maisie
00:13:22
really kind of lost her identity in
00:13:25
because she was a very young actress and
00:13:27
she became but also she was
00:13:30
in her own words using acting as a way
00:13:32
to escape which is almost what I heard
00:13:35
from from you there yes I didn't realize
00:13:37
it I realized now that my job completely
00:13:40
was and has been at times a huge
00:13:42
Band-Aid for a lot of issues in my life
00:13:45
because I have like very addictive
00:13:48
Tendencies and a very addictive
00:13:50
personality and work like a lot of
00:13:53
people can be such an amazing
00:13:54
distraction and we get away with it
00:13:56
because you're productive you make money
00:13:58
people like you it's not like a negative
00:14:01
addictive behavior but
00:14:04
it's so easy to not heal or not focus on
00:14:08
what's going on when you're constantly
00:14:10
busy and that's why after an experience
00:14:14
like Pretty Little Liars why everything
00:14:15
kind of just like you know
00:14:18
because for we did that show for we did
00:14:21
170 something episodes I was like eight
00:14:24
years of my life in between 20 and 28
00:14:26
years old
00:14:28
I I don't feel like I emotionally
00:14:30
developed in I don't know what normal is
00:14:33
but I feel like I missed out on
00:14:36
some normal experiences and
00:14:40
so it wasn't until that period of my
00:14:43
life afterwards where I realized
00:14:47
how I was contributing to my own
00:14:49
suffering and I didn't even realize the
00:14:51
magnitude of it until I was outside of
00:14:55
something like that show
00:14:56
in hindsight when you look back on your
00:14:58
younger years you talked about your
00:15:00
parents separating how what impact did
00:15:03
that have on you in hindsight any of you
00:15:06
you know I often think about this
00:15:08
because
00:15:10
I think it was 100 the best decision for
00:15:14
everyone and I
00:15:18
um you know you hear about so many
00:15:19
people staying together for the kids oh
00:15:22
my [ __ ] no if my I'm so glad that my
00:15:25
parents separated because it was the
00:15:27
best thing for everyone
00:15:28
and why
00:15:31
um it wasn't a happy marriage I don't
00:15:33
think
00:15:34
you know and I I wanna
00:15:36
respect both of my parents and not
00:15:39
speak up really on that but but I do
00:15:41
think that
00:15:44
it may have been a little toxic at times
00:15:46
and you know I was four my sister was
00:15:48
six and it uh it allowed for a little
00:15:52
more peace and calmness and and both of
00:15:55
my parents are now remarried to
00:15:57
wonderful people and and it all worked
00:15:59
out but I think
00:16:01
um
00:16:02
I was
00:16:04
raised by a single mom for a lot of my
00:16:07
childhood she was
00:16:09
remarried for a little bit but my my dad
00:16:12
is now back in my life and he's given me
00:16:17
so many lessons I mean I think that
00:16:19
anything that's traumatic or painful
00:16:23
like I sort of just use that as
00:16:25
ammunition to move forward I'm like what
00:16:27
is this trying to teach me what has this
00:16:29
given me because we can look at any
00:16:30
experience and say and play victim
00:16:34
and you can I think it's okay to be the
00:16:36
victim when you're younger like your
00:16:38
teenager your 20s you it's kind of okay
00:16:41
to do that and part of life but I think
00:16:44
at some point you have to take ownership
00:16:45
of your life
00:16:47
that's why I feel like so many people
00:16:49
are miserable because it's you're in
00:16:50
victim mode
00:16:52
I don't ever want to be a victim of my
00:16:54
life or my circumstances ever
00:16:57
I want to be the happiest I can be and
00:17:00
learn the most I can possibly learn
00:17:01
about myself and sometimes that means
00:17:15
you have to go to a dark place sometimes
00:17:17
to like get to that point
00:17:20
whoo
00:17:25
um
00:17:28
[Music]
00:17:31
thank you I'm a crybaby
00:17:35
yeah that's fine
00:17:37
I don't even remember
00:17:39
thanks
00:17:41
these remind me of like McDonald's
00:17:42
napkins which makes me happy I love
00:17:45
McDonald's
00:17:47
um
00:17:48
expensive building they said we've run
00:17:49
up I love it I love it um I don't even
00:17:51
know what I was saying but sometimes you
00:17:53
have to go to a dark place
00:17:56
what was I saying before sometimes I go
00:17:58
in a trance and I just talk and only
00:17:59
remember what I was talking about
00:18:01
um oh just talking about my parents
00:18:03
divorce yeah I think it's so easy to
00:18:05
look at these experiences and
00:18:08
feel sorry for yourself but life is so
00:18:11
much more interesting and freeing and
00:18:13
liberating when you look at something
00:18:16
when you look at things that have
00:18:17
happened to you when you're a child and
00:18:19
say what beautiful lesson did I get out
00:18:22
of that and if we're just taking
00:18:24
my parents divorce as an example
00:18:28
the biggest lesson I learned from that
00:18:30
is what kind of love do I want in my
00:18:33
life what am I going to stand for or not
00:18:35
stand for and
00:18:37
and something I always stand by in my
00:18:40
life is like I'm not settling I'm not
00:18:43
settling and that can mean that just
00:18:45
means people got to meet me where I'm at
00:18:47
I've worked too hard to feel how I feel
00:18:50
today
00:18:51
for a jobs experiences people
00:18:53
relationships lovers friends whatever it
00:18:55
is like
00:18:57
gotta meet me here and it doesn't mean
00:18:58
you can't compromise with people that's
00:19:00
different
00:19:01
but I just allow a certain kind of thing
00:19:03
in my life and
00:19:05
um
00:19:08
yeah
00:19:09
your grandmother
00:19:12
got a tattoo on your left wrist oh wow
00:19:16
yes I I didn't I saw you pulling out
00:19:18
your left wrist so I just went with it
00:19:20
yeah I love you yes so
00:19:24
what role did she play
00:19:26
so she her name was Karen and she was my
00:19:31
dad's mom and my grandmother rest in
00:19:34
peace you amazing Soul she was the
00:19:38
coolest badass woman I've ever met
00:19:43
she taught me about things that maybe I
00:19:46
shouldn't have learned at such a young
00:19:47
age she would put on Oprah when Oprah
00:19:50
would be talking about
00:19:52
really heavy topics she put on the movie
00:19:55
Grease when I was a kid and that was a
00:19:57
movie where I'm like
00:19:59
I want to do that
00:20:02
um and I I don't know where you land
00:20:04
within the
00:20:06
medium psychic space but I've talked to
00:20:09
I do um I practice Reiki with
00:20:13
um this woman named Katie who always
00:20:17
senses my grandmother's energy and and
00:20:19
every kind of experience like that my
00:20:21
grandmother's energy has showed up so I
00:20:24
truly believe that she
00:20:26
is here with me but she was just
00:20:28
smart and she thought
00:20:31
differently than anyone in my family and
00:20:34
as an adult I can look back and think
00:20:37
I'm so much like her like I just I miss
00:20:41
her she died really young
00:20:43
she died of emphysema and it's shocking
00:20:46
I never picked up smoking because I I
00:20:49
told you I'm like an extremist but I've
00:20:51
never been a smoker because of her and
00:20:54
um
00:20:55
yeah she died in her mid-60s
00:20:59
she was so funny like she
00:21:01
she had breathing tubes on and she
00:21:03
smoked until the day she died still but
00:21:05
that just like showed you who she was
00:21:06
she just
00:21:07
was a Powerhouse and so funny
00:21:11
um
00:21:12
and I miss her I miss her all the time I
00:21:15
and it and it's kind of sad because
00:21:20
I don't have that many pictures of her
00:21:21
because it was before
00:21:24
I had a cell phone and she died when I
00:21:25
was 15 so
00:21:27
I maybe had just gotten one of those
00:21:29
Sidekicks or Nokia phones and I just
00:21:32
don't have that much tangible memories
00:21:34
of her you named after they right yeah
00:21:36
yeah Karen Lucille and uh so she
00:21:39
definitely lives on in me in that way
00:21:42
and
00:21:44
um
00:21:46
yeah that's nice to chat about her thank
00:21:49
you for bringing her up I was really
00:21:51
inspired by
00:21:54
um the love your mother must have had it
00:21:56
for you but also really the belief she
00:21:58
must have had in you to move to LA with
00:22:01
you when you were 15 I'm assuming purely
00:22:03
so you could pursue a career in
00:22:04
Hollywood at 15 years old yeah it's
00:22:07
totally bizarre and when I tell people
00:22:09
that I just have to set the tone my mom
00:22:12
was not a stage mom at all and by that I
00:22:14
mean she wasn't it was never forced upon
00:22:18
me I she just always
00:22:21
encouraged me to follow this dream which
00:22:24
is so incredible because you hear of so
00:22:26
many people where it's the opposite
00:22:28
where the parents are forcing a dream
00:22:29
you don't really want onto you and she
00:22:33
just instilled a lot of willpower my mom
00:22:36
is such a hard worker I do believe I
00:22:38
have my I get my drive and work ethic
00:22:40
from her and she's so selfless like she
00:22:43
would give her last penny to anyone
00:22:47
and just loves with her entire heart
00:22:52
um and my my mom and I have definitely
00:22:53
had our
00:22:55
uh
00:22:56
rough moments in
00:22:59
over the course of
00:23:01
our lives but we're in such a beautiful
00:23:04
place now where we really can show up
00:23:06
exactly how we are without getting
00:23:10
um triggered or defensive because we're
00:23:13
really similar in the way we approach
00:23:15
our emotions I guess and so we've kind
00:23:18
of
00:23:19
have butted heads at times but she's
00:23:21
always been my
00:23:24
just biggest fan and
00:23:27
um I have no idea how because because I
00:23:30
often think if I had a daughter who
00:23:32
wanted to do what I want to do would I
00:23:34
do that I don't know how do you know
00:23:36
it's kind of insane isn't it thanks Mom
00:23:39
for being insane I love you for it like
00:23:41
thank God
00:23:42
uh but
00:23:45
it was a risk for sure and she came and
00:23:47
worked as a nurse
00:23:49
yeah so she the only way we could afford
00:23:52
to live out here because as you know
00:23:54
cost of living is insane
00:23:58
um she was a travel nurse which is kind
00:24:00
of an agency for nurses that live across
00:24:02
the world and they could place her at a
00:24:05
hospital and they would pay for our rent
00:24:06
and she would make a little extra money
00:24:09
but I mean we were kind of Barely
00:24:11
getting by
00:24:12
barely getting by and
00:24:16
yeah I feel like there's always kind of
00:24:18
financial
00:24:19
worry there but we we always she always
00:24:22
made it work we always figured it out
00:24:24
and by 216 you start working in TV shows
00:24:27
and stuff out here in L.A yeah so the
00:24:29
first so this is a really cool story to
00:24:31
tell you because I just got back from
00:24:33
Vancouver but the first show I ever did
00:24:36
the first series was called Bionic Woman
00:24:37
it was a remake of a show a really
00:24:40
popular show from the 70s 80s on NBC and
00:24:43
I got cast as the little sister and we
00:24:45
lived in Vancouver
00:24:47
um in this building right by the Sea
00:24:51
line and then I now 19 years later just
00:24:56
was working up there again and I look
00:24:59
out the window of the building I was
00:25:00
living in it's the exact same building
00:25:01
my mom lived in and I'm like that is
00:25:04
just
00:25:05
the universe full circle it was the
00:25:09
coolest full circle moment of being 16
00:25:11
there with my mom on my first job to
00:25:14
everything that's transpired to me being
00:25:16
33 working there now it was just like
00:25:19
this really incredible moment but but
00:25:22
yeah I uh
00:25:24
started kind of working
00:25:27
supporting myself since 17 and then I
00:25:30
think my mom saw that I
00:25:31
somewhat had a good head on my shoulders
00:25:34
by 18 and then she moved back to
00:25:37
Tennessee that period between
00:25:39
you being 16 and 19 when you
00:25:42
living out in L.A predominantly
00:25:44
um before you know you get cast for
00:25:46
Pretty Little Liars how do you feel
00:25:49
about that chapter of your life
00:25:51
when you reflect on that that chapter
00:25:53
that 16 to 19 year old chapter
00:25:56
what do you think so interesting because
00:25:59
I actually haven't
00:26:01
seeing this building in Vancouver was
00:26:03
the first time I had thought about that
00:26:04
time in my life in
00:26:07
10 years I actually haven't sat and
00:26:09
thought about
00:26:12
I know I also feel like so much of my
00:26:14
memories are kind of blurry from that
00:26:16
time
00:26:17
I
00:26:23
it's so weird like I can't even answer
00:26:25
that question I think
00:26:27
I think I was very grateful to be in LA
00:26:30
and pursuing this dream but that was
00:26:33
kind of the beginning of it all of of
00:26:35
what was to come
00:26:37
um like I wish I could go back and tell
00:26:39
my 16 year old self like buckle up girl
00:26:42
we're gonna get through this but we're
00:26:44
gonna go through some [ __ ] you know
00:26:47
um I and I've been open about this
00:26:49
before like I struggled with the eating
00:26:51
disorder uh most of my teen years up
00:26:54
until like mid-20s and it it was around
00:26:57
that time that it had kind of that was
00:27:01
like turned up to a 10 and I and it I
00:27:04
mean it's all in direct correlation with
00:27:06
moving to a new city
00:27:08
throwing myself into the world of acting
00:27:12
like I think my life kind of fell out of
00:27:14
control in a way and my emotions fell
00:27:16
out of control and
00:27:19
body stuff food stuff is all needing
00:27:22
needing to control
00:27:24
and um
00:27:26
uh so yeah I mean I guess I look back on
00:27:29
that time and
00:27:31
I have compassion now like I don't want
00:27:33
to say I feel sorry for myself but
00:27:39
I do believe in like
00:27:41
I mean I was a teenager but all the
00:27:43
inner child work where you just kind of
00:27:45
see that image of you young you and
00:27:48
really hold space for that and really
00:27:51
speak kindly to yourself
00:27:54
um
00:27:55
but honestly I don't really remember a
00:27:57
lot more and I don't know if that's
00:28:00
weird but it I I also feel that
00:28:02
similarly about my childhood I have
00:28:04
certain memories but
00:28:07
I don't know maybe I was disassociating
00:28:09
a lot I told you I lived in my head a
00:28:10
ton so
00:28:13
I don't know it seems like so much has
00:28:15
happened since then
00:28:17
Eating Disorders yeah how do I how do I
00:28:20
understand that as someone that's never
00:28:22
experienced um eating disorder how do I
00:28:24
how do I understand that is there a
00:28:26
moment where you've realized that
00:28:27
there's a there's a problem or you you
00:28:29
notice Behavior patterns that you think
00:28:30
are
00:28:32
um
00:28:33
unhealthy to say the least I think from
00:28:36
anything that disrupts your life or your
00:28:40
happiness or your relationships or your
00:28:42
career like
00:28:43
that can be described as a problem and I
00:28:47
think for me it was
00:28:49
all I thought about from the moment I
00:28:51
woke up until I went to bed at night how
00:28:53
much did I eat how much did I work out I
00:28:56
would step on a scale 30 times a day I
00:29:00
was eating so little that it was
00:29:03
shocking
00:29:04
um and it wasn't really ever about
00:29:08
that's a lie it was about the way I
00:29:09
looked at one point because I thought if
00:29:12
I could just be this number or this goal
00:29:14
weight then I'll be enough because it
00:29:16
all rooted back to I don't feel enough I
00:29:19
don't feel like enough why
00:29:22
um
00:29:23
and that's still a question I'm figuring
00:29:25
out because it it
00:29:27
um self-worth and knowing I'm enough
00:29:30
like where did the thought of I'm not
00:29:32
enough come from did I hear it when I
00:29:34
was a kid I don't know did I hear
00:29:36
something that resonated is you're not
00:29:38
enough maybe
00:29:40
um do you know who that is he he came on
00:29:43
my podcast he's maybe maybe the leading
00:29:47
therapist psychologist in the world on
00:29:49
like childhood trauma and and much of
00:29:52
the Crux of what he talks about is where
00:29:53
we learn this idea that we're not enough
00:29:55
as kids one of the things he said to me
00:29:57
which is still sat with me is he said to
00:29:59
me he goes children are narcissists he
00:30:00
goes when the parents arguing the child
00:30:03
thinks it's about them yeah and when he
00:30:05
said that to me I go oh my God it
00:30:07
explains so much sponges yeah so but we
00:30:09
interpret that situation like that home
00:30:12
life situation or whatever as like this
00:30:14
is about me yeah and and so now I can
00:30:17
look back and say maybe as a kid I
00:30:19
thought my parents got divorced because
00:30:21
of Me Maybe I you know there's a million
00:30:24
different scenarios so I'm certain I
00:30:26
learned it at a young age and
00:30:29
and as kids none of us come out
00:30:30
unscathed right like we all take on some
00:30:33
sort of pain and Trauma from somewhere
00:30:36
or someone
00:30:37
but mine manifested as an eating
00:30:40
disorder initially which then led to
00:30:43
other issues but it but it all started
00:30:45
because I always try to think when
00:30:49
when did it begin when did this
00:30:51
Obsession begin
00:30:54
and I want to say it was maybe around
00:30:55
like 13 or 14 when I had um no no like
00:31:00
1415 was starting homeschooling and I
00:31:02
had to start logging my exercise hours
00:31:05
and why it was for PE and you had to say
00:31:09
I'm do I did PE today for
00:31:12
x amount of time
00:31:14
and that's the only thing I can think of
00:31:17
that started this obsession with
00:31:20
movement and then I saw my body kind of
00:31:22
change and then I started restricting
00:31:24
eating and then it became like I said
00:31:27
just it slowly just grew and grew to
00:31:30
something that it I could not enjoy life
00:31:32
I could not have a conversation I could
00:31:34
not focus on anything it's a it's a
00:31:36
miracle that I even started working and
00:31:38
could focus on acting because it was
00:31:40
when I mean it was a constant loop I
00:31:43
don't know how I got out of it
00:31:45
and I I mean the thing with eating
00:31:47
disorders is
00:31:49
it can
00:31:51
always creep back up on you and there
00:31:53
are days when I don't feel like my best
00:31:56
self but I love myself enough now to
00:32:00
nourish my body and it's so sad to think
00:32:03
that I hated myself so much that I
00:32:05
couldn't even give it basic needs like
00:32:07
food
00:32:08
are you kidding me like that is so
00:32:10
tragic and so many people don't
00:32:12
understand
00:32:15
the space of an eating disorder because
00:32:16
there's a spectrum and I can only speak
00:32:18
from my point of view which
00:32:22
I mean I don't I really don't know any
00:32:24
woman that has a normal relationship to
00:32:27
their body or to food you know because
00:32:29
society makes it really freaking hard to
00:32:32
like the way you look social media is
00:32:34
can be a really beautiful place and
00:32:37
you're doing such an amazing thing with
00:32:38
the work you do and like changing lives
00:32:40
but like the social social media can be
00:32:44
poison I have to really limit what who I
00:32:48
look at what I look at and I'm a grown
00:32:50
adult and it feels silly but you have to
00:32:53
like curate your life
00:32:55
keep your mind and soul and spirit
00:32:57
feeling good
00:33:00
um
00:33:01
I always feel a little uncomfortable
00:33:02
talking about an eating disorder because
00:33:04
I'm
00:33:05
I'm sensitive and I know that it can be
00:33:08
triggering and hard for people to talk
00:33:10
about
00:33:11
food and bodies and people don't
00:33:14
understand how someone who objectively
00:33:18
as thin could think they were overweight
00:33:22
but and I can't explain it but that's
00:33:23
just what I saw and what I felt and it
00:33:26
and now I can look back and see photos
00:33:28
and think oh my God I was so I I wasn't
00:33:32
seeing reality
00:33:34
you just create this narrative in your
00:33:35
head that's scary and dark and
00:33:39
and It ultimately wasn't about the way I
00:33:41
looked it was about
00:33:44
so much more which is which is
00:33:46
self-worth
00:33:48
incredibly low self-worth and
00:33:53
and I really owe it to like getting out
00:33:56
of that
00:33:57
I dated a guy
00:33:59
for a long time who was Italian I mean
00:34:02
it sounds so silly it's like how did you
00:34:03
get help it wasn't through therapy I
00:34:05
didn't start doing therapy until my
00:34:07
early 20s for a different reason but
00:34:10
people always ask how did you
00:34:12
survive those horrible years of your
00:34:14
eating disorder
00:34:16
it was my Italian boyfriend who loved
00:34:19
and appreciated food and he would make
00:34:21
us go to dinner and I learned to enjoy
00:34:23
food again and it was like
00:34:26
each year that went by I started to feel
00:34:28
better and better and then I booked
00:34:30
Pretty Little Liars and it got a little
00:34:31
dodgy again and scary but I learned
00:34:33
other coping mechanisms that worked for
00:34:35
a while until they didn't
00:34:38
um but
00:34:39
but now my relationship
00:34:41
I never thought I could call myself a
00:34:44
foodie because today like I love food
00:34:46
that's how I experience a new city or a
00:34:48
culture like I just appreciate it and I
00:34:51
know that we need food to survive and
00:34:56
and I like I like and love and respect
00:34:58
my body too if I'm tired I rest
00:35:02
if I want to work out I work out I I can
00:35:05
just sort of navigate feeling
00:35:07
uncomfortable so much better these days
00:35:10
well you haven't given given a diagnosis
00:35:13
for that disorder was there ever medical
00:35:15
intervention yeah I did my mom
00:35:18
um
00:35:19
shortly before she moved to Tennessee
00:35:20
you know she recognized it was a problem
00:35:23
and she helped in the best way she knew
00:35:24
how but I'm sure as a parent she felt
00:35:26
helpless and felt like it was her fault
00:35:28
maybe
00:35:29
I went to a therapist only a handful of
00:35:31
times where
00:35:33
that was the first time I had heard your
00:35:35
anorexic
00:35:36
and that word just sounds so daunting
00:35:39
and scary but I mean I I've never been
00:35:42
in denial though like I've always had
00:35:45
I always knew it wasn't normal behavior
00:35:47
like I knew that my hair shouldn't be
00:35:50
falling out and then I knew that I
00:35:51
shouldn't be able to see every bone in
00:35:53
my body but
00:35:55
you get like addicted to this feeling of
00:35:58
controlling your own body
00:36:00
and um
00:36:02
so I kind of knew it was a problem but I
00:36:05
didn't know what anorexia meant until
00:36:07
this therapist had told me that that was
00:36:09
probably like age
00:36:12
17.
00:36:14
um
00:36:16
yeah I haven't thought about all that in
00:36:18
a long time too because I'm so on the
00:36:19
other side of it
00:36:21
and it's
00:36:23
nice
00:36:24
it's so nice to not have that
00:36:27
hamster wheel in your head about that
00:36:30
all the time
00:36:34
being in um
00:36:35
being in LA
00:36:37
being in the entertainment industry is a
00:36:41
I imagine a tricky place to be when
00:36:43
you're contending with issues of you
00:36:45
know eating disorders and because
00:36:47
because of the influence of you know
00:36:48
advertising and movies especially back
00:36:52
then
00:36:53
um social media Etc
00:36:56
I yeah I just can't yeah I can't having
00:37:00
never experienced an eating disorder
00:37:01
before but then thinking about being in
00:37:03
this environment
00:37:04
yeah
00:37:05
well what was interesting is that it
00:37:07
started before I even moved to LA the
00:37:10
eating disorder was for when I was like
00:37:12
13 before I'd even thought about you
00:37:15
know
00:37:16
before I had found success so
00:37:20
so I'm certain the things I've dealt
00:37:22
with in my life
00:37:23
I would have dealt with anyway it just
00:37:26
might be on the opposite end of the
00:37:28
spectrum because I think that the
00:37:30
reasonings behind all of these things
00:37:32
are those are old feelings that's old
00:37:34
stuff that has been ruminating
00:37:37
for a while
00:37:39
but yeah I mean this industry is at a
00:37:42
different point now where so many people
00:37:44
are accepted different types of people
00:37:46
different bodies everything and it's
00:37:49
such a beautiful
00:37:50
place I think the industry is heading
00:37:52
especially for a woman but when I was
00:37:56
starting out it wasn't really that way
00:37:57
and then I like book a show that's
00:37:59
called Pretty Little Liars what
00:38:03
it's so I'm like okay well we gotta be
00:38:05
pretty we gotta be little
00:38:06
okay well we got this and and you're
00:38:09
also 20 years old where everyone wants
00:38:11
to look a certain way like that age you
00:38:13
all want to look the same and you wanna
00:38:16
you know it just all flared up again
00:38:19
and it was all I thought about again you
00:38:21
know because I I thought I had overcome
00:38:23
it and then
00:38:25
but then it became a thing of control it
00:38:27
wasn't and then It ultimately it wasn't
00:38:29
about wanting to be pretty or little it
00:38:31
was about this is scary my life has
00:38:34
completely
00:38:35
shifted overnight
00:38:37
millions of people are seeing my face
00:38:39
Instagram had just started you know it
00:38:42
was just sort of beginning my first post
00:38:44
ever on Instagram was me and of season
00:38:47
one of Pretty Little Liars
00:38:49
um and it was like my life was now under
00:38:52
a magnifying glass
00:38:54
I felt out of control
00:38:56
uh oh I guess we gotta control the way I
00:38:58
look again and then I'll be enough and
00:39:00
then people will like me
00:39:01
how do my Mo for so much of my life was
00:39:04
how can I get people to like me
00:39:07
even though I hated myself
00:39:10
and like real confidence is
00:39:13
not I read my whole Instagram now is
00:39:16
just like silly affirmations but it
00:39:19
helped but I read something the other
00:39:20
day that's true confidence is not I hope
00:39:24
they like me it's some I'm paraphrasing
00:39:26
but not I hope they like me it's
00:39:29
I'm okay and know who I am even if they
00:39:31
don't and yeah
00:39:33
exactly what it is and that confidence
00:39:35
is what I've been searching for my whole
00:39:37
life and to know that and to show up
00:39:40
anywhere I go with anyone with new
00:39:43
people and say I'm accepted because I
00:39:46
accept myself I have value because I
00:39:49
value myself
00:39:50
you can put me in any situation anything
00:39:53
I truly mean this and I have the
00:39:55
confidence that I'll get through it
00:39:57
sober and happy
00:39:59
and it's
00:40:01
been one hell of a journey and I like
00:40:03
truly am not going to cry again
00:40:05
I wouldn't have changed anything I
00:40:07
literally would not have changed any
00:40:09
dark moment situation
00:40:11
because the perspective and empathy I've
00:40:14
gained from that I would not have
00:40:16
otherwise
00:40:18
so
00:40:19
you said I hated myself I know it's such
00:40:22
a strong word and it makes me sad that I
00:40:23
felt that way
00:40:26
maybe he hates a strong word I do this
00:40:28
sometimes too I'll say something then
00:40:29
I'll backtrack and try to like paint it
00:40:31
prettier but things are ugly sometimes
00:40:33
right
00:40:34
yeah I maybe it's more that I
00:40:40
didn't feel worthy of the things I had
00:40:42
in my life I didn't feel deserving
00:40:44
because a lot of my life
00:40:47
post success I did not feel worthy of
00:40:50
the success or the career or the people
00:40:53
in my life it was like this limiting
00:40:56
belief that
00:40:57
you're a fraud If people really knew who
00:41:00
you were they wouldn't like you
00:41:03
like you're worthless you don't deserve
00:41:06
this and even though
00:41:07
I wasn't actually saying those things
00:41:09
like subconsciously
00:41:11
that's what was happening I think
00:41:12
because I would keep making the same
00:41:14
mistakes and be like why is this
00:41:16
happening it's because I had this belief
00:41:18
that I
00:41:20
didn't deserve any of it
00:41:23
when you live with that sort of lack of
00:41:26
self-worth it manifests itself in a
00:41:28
variety of ways one of them you talked
00:41:29
about already which is trying to gain
00:41:31
control over something because then if I
00:41:32
can control this maybe I'll
00:41:34
gone are a bit of sort of self
00:41:36
self-worth from from the scales or the
00:41:38
mirror whatever it might be what are the
00:41:40
other ways that that manifested itself
00:41:42
in your life that like lack of
00:41:43
self-worth I've heard you talk about
00:41:45
people pleasing yeah but you you said
00:41:48
something curious a second ago you said
00:41:50
um that would the eating disorder was
00:41:52
the start of it um
00:41:54
and then you said you were going to go
00:41:55
on to say something else but yeah yeah I
00:41:57
mean it all kind of ties in together I
00:42:00
think the people pleasing is such a big
00:42:04
thing I've
00:42:06
been working through in my life because
00:42:08
what people pleasing does is you're
00:42:10
doing things that aren't authentic
00:42:12
you're doing things you don't want to do
00:42:13
what does that do well it builds anger
00:42:15
and resentment well then if you repress
00:42:17
that anger resentment then what happens
00:42:18
well it's going to come out some way and
00:42:21
for me my
00:42:23
like for such a small human I have so
00:42:26
much rage in that I've
00:42:29
have now sorted through but for so much
00:42:31
I just like bottled up that rage
00:42:33
and
00:42:35
for me
00:42:36
I
00:42:38
the coping mechanisms I discovered
00:42:42
worked for me were like incredibly
00:42:44
self-destructive and self-sabotaging and
00:42:46
I am
00:42:49
I'm not sure when this podcast comes out
00:42:51
and I had I've never talked publicly
00:42:54
until yesterday about being sober
00:42:57
I have a little over a year of sobriety
00:42:59
which you know the people in my life my
00:43:02
friends my family who are just the
00:43:06
greatest people in the world and have
00:43:07
stood by my side for you know I've been
00:43:08
working on getting sober since I was 20.
00:43:10
I'm 33. it takes time
00:43:12
it took time and it took patience with
00:43:15
myself
00:43:16
um I mean this is a topic I could talk
00:43:18
about until
00:43:20
the end of time but
00:43:23
basically what alcohol did for me
00:43:29
we did a couple of things it was like
00:43:31
it was like this feeling of oh my God
00:43:34
this is what I've been searching for my
00:43:35
whole life I'm my truest self right like
00:43:37
I'm so much funnier and cooler and
00:43:39
people like me that's all [ __ ] guess
00:43:42
what not true I was not myself not my
00:43:46
truest self but
00:43:48
it orig it started with wow I can be
00:43:51
free and funny and boys will like me
00:43:55
this is when I'm younger right
00:43:57
and I just like held on to that belief
00:43:59
that real Lucy came out when she was
00:44:02
drinking
00:44:03
guess what real Lucy did come out but it
00:44:06
was that rage and pain that I had been
00:44:08
holding on to for so long but it also
00:44:12
quieted my mind
00:44:14
um
00:44:16
I feel like
00:44:18
and I'm not the only person on the
00:44:21
planet that deals with this but like my
00:44:22
brain just goes
00:44:24
doesn't shut off it's exhausting but
00:44:27
when I drink because I I was like
00:44:29
textbook binge Drinker like
00:44:32
blackout wouldn't remember what I did
00:44:35
what I said which is
00:44:37
scary and and it's also hard to explain
00:44:39
that type of drinking to someone because
00:44:43
people who haven't experienced it or
00:44:45
dealt with it personally like you
00:44:47
addiction is such a
00:44:49
a topic that
00:44:51
Soso taboo because it's because people
00:44:54
would just tell me Well Lucy don't drink
00:44:56
oh thank you oh
00:44:58
okay
00:45:00
thank you so much I'll try that thanks
00:45:04
but now it is that now it's like okay I
00:45:07
just don't pick up the first drink and
00:45:08
I'm fine because what would happen for
00:45:09
me is I'd pick up the first drink I'd
00:45:11
like the feeling I'd have another drink
00:45:12
I'd really like the feeling and then it
00:45:13
was past drink too don't remember
00:45:16
I wouldn't remember the rest of the
00:45:18
night
00:45:19
um through what period of your life was
00:45:21
this sorry
00:45:23
since you were young I've had an issue I
00:45:26
from my very first experience drinking
00:45:28
which was like age 14. hmm up until a
00:45:32
year ago I have had a problem I've never
00:45:34
had a a period of my life where I was a
00:45:38
normal moderate Drinker it was always
00:45:40
let's go let's let's just
00:45:44
I was willing to just go to this crazy
00:45:47
dark place every time
00:45:50
and you know of course I tried trying to
00:45:53
be a moderate Drinker just having to my
00:45:55
I have an allergy to alcohol I cannot
00:45:58
drink I view it as an allergy to alcohol
00:46:01
my brain doesn't
00:46:03
work the same way as someone who can
00:46:06
just have a glass of wine it always
00:46:08
wants more it's like craving that that
00:46:11
feeling my best friend has just actually
00:46:13
finished a documentary on this subject
00:46:15
matter he was my best friend but also my
00:46:16
business partner for many years and the
00:46:18
the point where he realized he had a
00:46:20
problem we kind of
00:46:21
had a bit of a face to face because he
00:46:23
had done so much damage and there was
00:46:25
one particular instance where he did so
00:46:26
much damage to himself our company our
00:46:30
team members that we we met on a Sunday
00:46:32
and we we basically it was that kind of
00:46:34
ultimatum moment which is you're gonna
00:46:36
have to leave
00:46:37
yeah you know and yeah you can do a lot
00:46:39
of damage right when you're when you
00:46:41
have that relationship with alcohol and
00:46:43
you have an addiction to alcohol and it
00:46:45
brings out that side of you did you ever
00:46:48
have moments like that where people
00:46:49
close to you said
00:46:52
many times and I
00:46:55
but it's one of those things I I
00:46:57
remember the point in my life where I'm
00:46:59
like
00:47:00
I woke up
00:47:02
a morning after drinking and it was when
00:47:04
I wanted to keep drinking
00:47:06
I was like oh my reaction to alcohol is
00:47:09
different than my friends like this is
00:47:10
different and I've known I had a problem
00:47:12
this whole time I was there was never a
00:47:14
moment where
00:47:16
I thought it was normal there have been
00:47:18
moments where I didn't want to change
00:47:20
because I'm like I'm not giving this up
00:47:21
are you kidding me like who would I be
00:47:23
if I can't have fun and let loose and
00:47:24
drink
00:47:26
but I had many times my manager of 19
00:47:29
years
00:47:31
who is an angel truly an Earth Angel
00:47:35
I believe has saved my life at times
00:47:37
like this woman has been there for me
00:47:38
she's had hard conversations with me
00:47:41
I've had friends who've tough loved me
00:47:42
but I've had friends who say we can't
00:47:44
until you do x y and z
00:47:48
I've always been shown love and support
00:47:50
but the thing about
00:47:52
addiction or just life in general like
00:47:55
you gotta want something for yourself
00:47:56
like I had so many
00:47:59
things happen where you would have
00:48:01
thought I would change I've had I tried
00:48:04
to change for boyfriends I tried to
00:48:06
change for my mom I tried to change for
00:48:08
my career I tried to change for vain
00:48:10
Reasons I'm like well I'll look younger
00:48:12
and be skinnier I'll stop drinking for
00:48:14
that none of that [ __ ] works I had to
00:48:18
and wanted to get sober January 2nd 2022
00:48:23
because I said I deserve more I deserve
00:48:26
more out of this life
00:48:29
I have to try it a different way and I
00:48:32
have to be willing
00:48:34
to just commit to it
00:48:37
you know because binge drinking I would
00:48:39
be sober for three months then relapse
00:48:41
be sober for a week relapse and I never
00:48:43
the really crazy thing is I never let it
00:48:45
get in the way of my job because my
00:48:48
career has always been so important
00:48:51
but
00:48:52
when I'd go home at night
00:48:54
it would just be like so dark and I'd be
00:48:56
so in my head about it but
00:48:58
I it would be so dark I was thinking
00:49:02
then because my business partner
00:49:03
described it as he there was a pain he
00:49:04
was trying to escape which we just never
00:49:06
realized he had a pain in his in his
00:49:08
life in his mind I would find him
00:49:10
downstairs through him in the morning in
00:49:11
the laundry room with the lights off
00:49:12
drinking I thought just he just loves
00:49:15
alcohol right that's what people think
00:49:17
or like oh you like to party yeah
00:49:19
exactly but but I came to learn that
00:49:21
there was a pain he was escaping that he
00:49:23
hadn't addressed yes is that the same in
00:49:25
your situation where there was an
00:49:26
unaddressed pain or issue that you think
00:49:29
you were using alcohol as a Escape
00:49:30
mechanism for yes definitely I mean
00:49:33
alcohol isn't the problem the problem is
00:49:35
this feeling inside of me alcohol was
00:49:37
the solution you know for a while it was
00:49:39
my solution I'm like oh I don't have to
00:49:41
think about being good enough or or
00:49:45
whatever the problem was like it worked
00:49:47
for a really long time until it just
00:49:49
left me feeling depressed anxious lonely
00:49:53
just worthless but there is a big
00:49:56
misconception about
00:49:58
people who
00:50:00
struggle in this way is that oh they're
00:50:03
weak they just can't not do it or they
00:50:06
like to party or
00:50:09
they just like booze it's so much more
00:50:11
than that and
00:50:13
um yeah for me it was definitely old
00:50:16
stuff old feelings pain I I do think
00:50:21
that like I said I would have struggled
00:50:23
with this no matter what I did for a
00:50:24
living but I think
00:50:26
finding success at an early age and the
00:50:29
people pleasing and and and trying to be
00:50:34
what people wanted me to be made me feel
00:50:36
like a fraud right because like now I
00:50:39
can show up exactly who I am and share
00:50:41
my story and to actually be able to talk
00:50:43
about this
00:50:44
is so freeing because it doesn't
00:50:47
it's not like I'm it's chaining me down
00:50:50
anymore like it it takes the power away
00:50:52
from it like I can be Lucy which is not
00:50:55
always cute at times you know like it's
00:50:58
dark and disgusting and scary and that's
00:51:02
what makes us all complex amazing
00:51:03
beautiful human beings is we've all got
00:51:05
this Shadow Self
00:51:07
and were you happy in that chapter
00:51:10
that's 16 to 19 chapter
00:51:12
was I'm like um I'm getting a big
00:51:14
paycheck I'm happy I'm
00:51:16
no like that's not real happiness you
00:51:19
know you
00:51:21
I had told myself the lies of
00:51:25
you're happy or I felt guilty for not
00:51:28
being happy because how could I not be
00:51:30
happy I have x y and nobody wants to
00:51:32
hear about someone in my position being
00:51:33
unhappy right like let's just be real
00:51:36
nobody wants to really hear about that
00:51:37
but
00:51:38
at the end of the day I've had to allow
00:51:41
and I believed that too I ran with that
00:51:43
Lucy you don't deserve to be unhappy how
00:51:45
dare you feel these things but now I
00:51:49
know I'm a human being
00:51:51
and
00:51:53
Everything's Relative and I
00:51:56
it's okay for me to have these very
00:51:58
human experiences
00:52:00
and I found the people in my life that I
00:52:02
can talk to about it and
00:52:06
um was I happy I had moments of being
00:52:08
very happy
00:52:10
um but not like this not like this um
00:52:16
wherever I'm at in life right now it
00:52:18
feels peaceful
00:52:20
which I used to call boredom I have
00:52:23
moments where I'm bored I'm like ooh
00:52:24
what kind of fire can I start today but
00:52:26
then I I ran that back in
00:52:28
you know I never really usually pick the
00:52:30
chocolate flavored heels my favorite are
00:52:32
the banana flavor I love The Salted
00:52:35
Caramel flavor but recently I think I in
00:52:38
part blame Jack in my team who's
00:52:40
obsessed with the chocolate flavor heals
00:52:42
I've started drinking the chocolate
00:52:44
flavor heels for the first time and I
00:52:45
absolutely love them my life means that
00:52:47
I sometimes disregard my diet and it's
00:52:49
funny that's part of the reason why I've
00:52:51
had a lot of guests on this podcast
00:52:52
recently that talk about diet and health
00:52:54
and those kinds of things because I am
00:52:55
trying to make an active effort to be
00:52:57
more healthy to lose a little bit of
00:52:59
weight as well but to be more healthy
00:53:00
and the role that he all plays in my
00:53:02
life is it means that in those moments
00:53:04
where sometimes I might reach for
00:53:07
you know junk Foods
00:53:10
having an option that is nutritionally
00:53:11
complete that is high in fiber that is
00:53:13
incredibly high in protein that has all
00:53:15
the vitamins and minerals that my body
00:53:16
needs within Arm's Reach that I can
00:53:18
consume on the go is where he always
00:53:21
been a game changer for me quick word
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doing really immersive simple but high
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quality production virtual events Pretty
00:54:19
Little Liars yeah 20 years old yeah you
00:54:23
were doing another show right called
00:54:24
privileged yes privileged yeah and they
00:54:27
canceled that show
00:54:28
and that led to you being cast for
00:54:31
pretty little lies yeah which is pretty
00:54:32
amazing because the universe is yeah
00:54:34
yeah rejection can lead to redirection
00:54:38
that is there's a really cool story
00:54:41
there so I did this show called
00:54:42
privileged they canceled it I was
00:54:45
devastated
00:54:46
and the same producers said hey we have
00:54:50
this script
00:54:52
it's based off of a book we think you'd
00:54:54
be great for it and they said it's
00:54:56
called Pretty Little Liars and I'm like
00:54:57
ah I was such a huge fan of those books
00:54:59
I read the script
00:55:02
and it was the first time I had ever
00:55:03
been offered something
00:55:04
and so we get this offer but at the same
00:55:07
time so at this point it's just a pilot
00:55:09
and no one knew
00:55:12
what the success of it would be but at
00:55:14
the same time I got that offer I got the
00:55:16
offer for something else which was like
00:55:18
a really
00:55:20
I don't remember what it was called but
00:55:21
it was a really
00:55:23
shitty TV movie that I don't even think
00:55:25
did it get made yes it did get made
00:55:28
and I at one point was thinking I want
00:55:30
to take this movie because there was a
00:55:33
really cute guy attached to it you can
00:55:34
see where that's where my head was at
00:55:35
was let's choose a part because of a
00:55:37
cute guy
00:55:39
and then it was almost overnight where I
00:55:42
just woke up the next morning and said
00:55:43
you know what no because I would have
00:55:45
had to choose between the two
00:55:48
that I think I should choose to show
00:55:50
well thank God
00:55:52
thank God but but it is such a great
00:55:55
example of how one door closes another
00:55:58
one opens nothing is by coincidence in
00:56:01
this life I firmly believe that I think
00:56:02
that everything
00:56:04
happens exactly how it should
00:56:07
and like having an open mind and seeing
00:56:10
the lesson and everything
00:56:11
[Music]
00:56:13
um makes for a happier life too but
00:56:17
yeah it's crazy to think about that time
00:56:19
and now I mean pretty little lies became
00:56:21
in your own words the biggest show in
00:56:23
the world at one point yes I mean I
00:56:25
think
00:56:26
I mean if it's one two or three I mean
00:56:28
it's still the outcome is still the same
00:56:30
that your life
00:56:31
irrevocably changes
00:56:34
from that moment onwards
00:56:36
um
00:56:37
for better and For Worse one might
00:56:39
guess
00:56:41
I think
00:56:44
if you tell me why on both ends of that
00:56:46
yeah okay
00:56:48
I mean I
00:56:50
it was a dream job like I could
00:56:54
I I now had the success I had wanted and
00:56:58
the notoriety I felt valued and
00:57:00
appreciated and uh
00:57:04
um on a super in a superficial way for
00:57:06
bits and moments there were times when I
00:57:08
thought my ACT there were times when I
00:57:10
didn't feel like I was being utilized in
00:57:11
the right way I'm like I have so much
00:57:13
more to offer please let me you know
00:57:15
there are other characters in the show
00:57:17
that I wanted I wanted to be doing the
00:57:18
things they were doing but there were
00:57:20
times when I I felt like I could really
00:57:22
show
00:57:24
off my talents I guess
00:57:28
um I mean it it was the launching pad
00:57:31
for my whole career and and it's taken a
00:57:34
while outside of that show to get people
00:57:36
to see me in a different light and I
00:57:38
knew that when you're a part of
00:57:39
something that's that big people are
00:57:42
seeing you every week like people still
00:57:43
call me Arya on the street you know I
00:57:46
knew that it was going to be strategic
00:57:47
moves for years to get people to see me
00:57:50
in a different way and I feel like I'm
00:57:51
at this point now where people are
00:57:53
giving me those opportunities but I've
00:57:55
worked really hard for that I have taken
00:57:57
a bunch of different types of roles and
00:57:59
different types of characters post that
00:58:00
to get to like show to show myself but
00:58:05
also to show everyone like I'm not a
00:58:07
one-trick pony and I want to be doing
00:58:09
this and if I'm uh lucky enough to get
00:58:12
to do I hope I can do this the rest of
00:58:13
my life but um
00:58:16
it it helps me hone my craft
00:58:19
I
00:58:21
the fact that that show went for that
00:58:23
long is almost unheard of
00:58:26
like that just doesn't happen anymore
00:58:27
and I always laughed because there was a
00:58:29
couple people on the show where it was
00:58:31
their first job ever or their first
00:58:33
audition ever and the show went for that
00:58:35
long I'm like this is not normal by the
00:58:37
way but it but
00:58:40
it also posts that show because I've had
00:58:43
some
00:58:44
I don't want to view anything as a
00:58:45
failure but I've had things that were
00:58:48
maybe
00:58:49
viewed as failures post that and it kind
00:58:51
of
00:58:52
which I'm also grateful for because it
00:58:54
it gave me perspective of
00:58:59
you know life is full of ups and downs
00:59:02
and it will always be that way no matter
00:59:03
where I'm at in my career like people
00:59:05
aren't always going to like me or like
00:59:07
my work
00:59:08
every job I do is not going to be the
00:59:10
one that changes my life
00:59:12
um and I've also realized like that's
00:59:14
not where my happiness comes from
00:59:15
anymore my happiness is not going to
00:59:17
come from
00:59:18
I love what I do and I find so much joy
00:59:21
in it and I love creating and I love
00:59:23
acting in a really new cool way the last
00:59:26
couple of years but
00:59:29
it's always going to be a roller coaster
00:59:31
when we have those successes in life
00:59:33
when when the dream we have is realized
00:59:35
we I think before that we have an
00:59:36
assumption that it'll fix a bunch of
00:59:37
stuff right so that's we aim for it we
00:59:40
strive for it we get there and then in
00:59:41
some way it fails it makes you feel
00:59:43
worse yeah yeah so what didn't it fixed
00:59:47
everything everything it fixed literally
00:59:50
nothing if anything like there were more
00:59:52
problems it like expedited the all of it
00:59:55
right because my life was under a
00:59:57
microscope and
01:00:00
um I mean it definitely cranked up those
01:00:03
dials to 10 when it came to my
01:00:06
body dysmorphia myself my self-worth was
01:00:10
at an all-time low
01:00:13
um
01:00:14
I just didn't have the tools to how does
01:00:17
anyone navigate that experience I don't
01:00:19
know how you navigate that in a healthy
01:00:21
way
01:00:23
um and I look back now and I'm like okay
01:00:24
I guess I handled it in the best way I
01:00:27
knew how like I don't look back and
01:00:29
shame myself over it all it's kind of
01:00:32
just like
01:00:34
I was a kid and I was struggling but I
01:00:37
was struggling publicly but no one knew
01:00:40
about it so that was almost harder
01:00:41
because I was like dealing with all
01:00:43
these big things
01:00:44
but I never wanted to talk about it
01:00:46
because I was so ashamed
01:00:48
and now I'm now I'm not ashamed of it
01:00:50
which is why I can talk about it but did
01:00:54
you talk about it to anybody behind the
01:00:55
scenes what you were struggling with no
01:00:57
it was pretty it was pretty private
01:00:59
because I didn't want to be different I
01:01:01
wanted to blend in and if I talked about
01:01:03
having issues that made me a Target
01:01:06
I think people maybe knew of struggling
01:01:08
was there a Darkest Day a Darkest Day or
01:01:12
a patch where
01:01:14
you know I'm like where do where do we
01:01:16
begin uh interesting
01:01:18
um
01:01:20
I had many many what I thought were my
01:01:23
emotional Rock bottoms dozens
01:01:27
and so that was why it was so hard is
01:01:28
because I'm like Oh I thought we went to
01:01:31
the depths of hell like how do we
01:01:33
possibly how could it be worse and and
01:01:35
from the outside that was was crazy no
01:01:38
one would have known so it was like I
01:01:40
was everything externally didn't match
01:01:43
what was happening internally so then I
01:01:45
just felt like a fraud I was like this
01:01:47
isn't adding up and it's not real and
01:01:49
it's not right
01:01:50
I want things to match up in
01:01:53
look the same I just felt like totally
01:01:55
undeserving of everything that was
01:01:56
happening
01:01:57
a Darkest Day
01:01:59
yeah I mean I had many
01:02:02
but I'd always pull myself out of it
01:02:04
like if I have one thing I'm resilient
01:02:06
like I don't really give myself a lot of
01:02:09
that's not true I do positive
01:02:10
affirmations for myself all day these
01:02:12
days but but I know that my resilience
01:02:14
is what's
01:02:17
slingshotted me the other way did you
01:02:20
ever think about quitting
01:02:21
acting but during that period of between
01:02:24
16 and 28 when you left oh yeah yeah
01:02:26
yeah yeah I seriously well not maybe not
01:02:29
seriously because I didn't know what
01:02:32
else I was good at I didn't think I was
01:02:33
interesting I didn't think I was smart I
01:02:35
didn't like all of these things
01:02:37
I actually was like what would I do
01:02:40
um and so I I at times had the thought
01:02:47
could I do something else could I go
01:02:49
home after this
01:02:51
um but I never packed my bags or made a
01:02:54
call to someone and told them but but
01:02:57
but there were times in my
01:02:59
20s where I was just thinking is this
01:03:02
what I want to do but but then it became
01:03:03
about
01:03:05
it wasn't because I disliked acting I
01:03:07
loved it and I and I always knew I was
01:03:09
good at it but it was just how do I
01:03:11
manage my emotions and do what I love I
01:03:14
was like I don't know how to do that now
01:03:16
I know how to I mean I still have bad
01:03:18
days but I know how to handle it better
01:03:21
it's hard it's hard I I don't know it's
01:03:24
it's a constant
01:03:26
you know starting a new job
01:03:29
I really have to make sure I have my
01:03:32
plan in place for what helps me feel
01:03:34
safe
01:03:36
do you have a plunder if you would have
01:03:38
been overall happier for the last 33
01:03:40
years had you not been an actress
01:03:45
I think about that all the time what do
01:03:46
you think the answer is no you think you
01:03:49
would have been happier no I I mean
01:03:51
maybe
01:03:53
I would have had longer periods of
01:03:54
happiness but I do believe that where
01:03:58
I'm at now what I've gone through to get
01:04:01
the happiness I have now like this is
01:04:04
where I'm supposed to be and this is how
01:04:05
I'm supposed to feel
01:04:07
and I don't think I would have gotten
01:04:08
through that without the job I have or
01:04:10
the things I've been through
01:04:12
I know it sounds grateful to say I'm
01:04:14
happy that I struggled with addiction or
01:04:18
whatever it is but I am I I just think
01:04:22
that
01:04:23
in order for me to
01:04:26
feel whole and survive is to be creative
01:04:28
and I I actually
01:04:32
crave creating and and and acting and I
01:04:36
and I was there have been moments in my
01:04:38
life where I was scared that oh my God
01:04:41
I'm gonna have to keep doing this and
01:04:42
not know if I love it
01:04:44
and it was I did this show and the
01:04:46
moment where it all like happened for me
01:04:49
was the show I did called Katie Keane
01:04:51
short-lived another short-lived CW
01:04:53
Series I did I've had three
01:04:56
shows on CW that only went one season
01:04:58
it's kind of a running joke no
01:05:00
anyway whatever
01:05:02
Katie Keane New York it was the show
01:05:04
that made me fall in love with acting
01:05:06
because I
01:05:08
I don't I and I don't even know what
01:05:10
happened I mean it was a great show
01:05:11
great people so much fun living in New
01:05:13
York
01:05:14
but
01:05:15
maybe I stepped into my confidence more
01:05:21
I don't know I just feel grateful that I
01:05:22
can say oh God I like what I do because
01:05:24
that would be a bummer to like do all
01:05:27
these things and then say
01:05:28
and I could and that's the reality like
01:05:30
today I could say you know what I don't
01:05:31
want to act anymore and I know that
01:05:33
that's an option and is and I know that
01:05:35
I'm lucky to know that I have options
01:05:36
like I have perspective on that too
01:05:39
but I also feel lucky that I do want to
01:05:42
wake up and say
01:05:44
I want to go I want to go act today I
01:05:46
want to go work with these people and
01:05:48
collaborate
01:05:50
um did you have a life throughout that
01:05:52
that pretty little liar was there a life
01:05:54
outside of the show was there no
01:05:56
relationships and oh yeah socializing
01:05:59
and tons of failed relationships no I uh
01:06:03
yeah I had a social life
01:06:05
uh it was a lot of work we were doing
01:06:08
that nine months out of the year for
01:06:10
eight years but but yeah I I dated and
01:06:14
and it traveled and failed relationships
01:06:18
yeah oh yeah
01:06:21
yeah
01:06:22
I uh why did they fail I think
01:06:26
well some of them we were just young and
01:06:29
they're not supposed to work out but I
01:06:31
do think
01:06:34
I you know and I'm very careful to not
01:06:37
talk poorly about
01:06:39
people ever
01:06:41
[Music]
01:06:41
um
01:06:45
and I do also realize my part of the
01:06:47
equation I'm not I've never point the
01:06:49
fingers and say this person like I fully
01:06:51
realize why some of those crash and
01:06:52
burned because it was
01:06:54
you know hurt people hurt people that's
01:06:56
like a classic thing uh I just think I
01:06:59
was maybe attracting people that were a
01:07:01
perfect storm for my
01:07:03
new self-wife low self-worth chaos like
01:07:06
I was attracting
01:07:08
uh either people that had similar issues
01:07:12
as me and so it felt comfortable or it
01:07:15
felt like oh I can focus on
01:07:17
this issue or your issue and try and fix
01:07:20
them and try and fix them because it
01:07:22
gave me a one-up or you know have you
01:07:25
I'm sure you've read about like love
01:07:27
addiction like love avoidant love
01:07:29
addiction oh yeah like attachment Stars
01:07:31
yeah and I always thought I was a love
01:07:33
addict
01:07:35
because I just wanted people to like me
01:07:37
I wanted this guy to like me and
01:07:39
everything would be fine
01:07:40
but the truth is I actually think I have
01:07:43
fallen more under love avoidant because
01:07:45
when people get too close oop they're
01:07:47
gonna see me They're Gonna Know Who I
01:07:49
Really Am they're gonna leave so I'm
01:07:50
gonna blow this thing up before they
01:07:51
leave me
01:07:52
but I can tend to fall into
01:07:57
love addiction Behavior if they like out
01:08:00
avoid me does that make sense so if
01:08:02
someone is more avoided than I am
01:08:04
anyway so yes failed relationships but
01:08:08
but we the first model of love we learn
01:08:10
is our our parents no I totally get it I
01:08:13
I grew up thinking love wasn't safe or
01:08:16
safe thing or I thought it was prison
01:08:19
yeah or if love is this I don't want
01:08:23
that are you kidding me so I never
01:08:25
really had a model of what
01:08:27
a relationship should be
01:08:31
and and I
01:08:34
maybe because my parents got divorced
01:08:36
and I spent more time with my mom that I
01:08:37
was drawing in more people who were
01:08:40
similar to my dad you know there's that
01:08:43
element where are you now with my with
01:08:45
my dad with you with my relationship
01:08:48
yeah with on that journey of like
01:08:51
understanding love and how to form an
01:08:53
attachment with someone in a healthy way
01:08:55
yeah with the right person
01:08:57
I think
01:08:58
the only if I you know I'm single now
01:09:01
but the in order for me to want to be in
01:09:05
a relationship
01:09:07
it goes back to like meeting me where
01:09:09
I'm at and what by that I mean like I oh
01:09:12
I think that the type of relationship
01:09:14
I'm seeking out is with another person
01:09:16
who is whole and doesn't need me and
01:09:19
doesn't need this relationship to give
01:09:20
them an identity
01:09:22
um and I think that that is
01:09:25
where people thrive is when people have
01:09:28
really gone Inward and know their
01:09:29
strengths and weaknesses and know what
01:09:32
they have to offer and are willing
01:09:35
to grow and heal and evolve and
01:09:39
and I've never had that like I've never
01:09:42
had a relationship that felt
01:09:45
safe or like I could really show up as
01:09:47
myself
01:09:49
um
01:09:51
I do think that you know being sober is
01:09:55
really important to me and like that's
01:09:56
my number one priority because I know
01:09:58
that when I do that everything else is
01:10:00
fine so I'd love to find someone who
01:10:04
has an understanding of that element of
01:10:07
my life too I mean I'm so open to it and
01:10:10
ready but I also am not desperate for it
01:10:13
like I'm not needing because I like many
01:10:17
people used men and relationships to
01:10:19
fill a void like it's easy to get
01:10:21
addicted to people too and that's
01:10:24
actually the easiest it's like oh I have
01:10:26
a really cool new boyfriend like I can
01:10:28
focus on this for a year and not focus
01:10:30
on what I should be focusing on
01:10:32
um and now I just
01:10:34
yeah I just feel open and
01:10:38
whatever
01:10:39
is coming my way I'm ready for it I
01:10:41
really believe that
01:10:43
um life after Pretty Little Liars yeah
01:10:46
you referenced this earlier I I can't
01:10:48
imagine the situation where something is
01:10:51
everything it's nine months a year
01:10:53
working when you're not working you're
01:10:54
doing interviews about the thing
01:10:55
everyone stops you everywhere you go to
01:10:57
talk about it it's it's all consuming
01:10:58
and then
01:11:00
it ends yeah it was
01:11:03
weird it was weird and bizarre and scary
01:11:10
because that level of notoriety and fame
01:11:15
success whatever you want to call it
01:11:17
that is not really sustainable and will
01:11:21
I ever reach that again in my career
01:11:23
maybe who knows I don't know but if I
01:11:25
don't it's okay but because it was here
01:11:29
for so long for most of my 20s and then
01:11:31
when the show stopped and
01:11:34
things did shift like
01:11:36
I wasn't getting certain calls like I
01:11:39
wasn't being invited to certain things
01:11:40
people move on quickly right like people
01:11:43
just love content like they will move on
01:11:45
to a new show and and it was so scary to
01:11:47
be like where where do I forget fit in
01:11:50
do will people remember me and it's like
01:11:52
chasing this
01:11:54
high of whatever that experience was and
01:12:01
then I came to realize like that's so
01:12:04
exhausting like I feel like I'm okay now
01:12:06
if I were to just do jobs under the
01:12:08
radar for the rest of my life you know I
01:12:12
like I said I mentioned earlier like
01:12:14
having a couple of failed experiences
01:12:17
post Pretty Little Liars like really
01:12:19
gave me
01:12:21
kind of grounded me in
01:12:24
in a cool way I feel like I needed that
01:12:27
um was it you described it as a dark
01:12:29
time that the post PLL pretty little
01:12:33
lies yeah um phase of your life yeah and
01:12:36
that's because you've got like
01:12:38
I guess maybe you've got a I'm assuming
01:12:40
here but you've got to re-find out who
01:12:42
you are again outside of the show
01:12:44
it was that it was like
01:12:48
am I going to work again you know I
01:12:50
think we not we are I've had some
01:12:52
conversations with people in this a
01:12:55
similar position where
01:12:58
I wanted to work but you didn't because
01:13:01
people only want to see you as that one
01:13:03
thing and I
01:13:06
I'm also grateful for that period
01:13:08
because then that was when I got to
01:13:09
discover who I am outside of that who am
01:13:12
I outside of my job who are you
01:13:14
who I can say
01:13:18
that I
01:13:22
I've always wanted to
01:13:26
lead authentically and to show up
01:13:29
however I am at any given moment
01:13:31
whatever that looks like and I have not
01:13:34
been able to do that until recently I
01:13:37
feel like I am confident in what I have
01:13:40
to offer I'm comfortable with who I am
01:13:43
I'm a good friend I'm loyal
01:13:45
I'm honest to a fault
01:13:48
if you're in my circle have your back no
01:13:51
matter the situation I talk about the
01:13:53
hard [ __ ] I lead with my heart
01:13:56
I Believe In Justice more than anything
01:13:58
even if it's like I see someone cutting
01:14:00
someone in line like that's not right
01:14:03
I'm passionate as hell
01:14:05
and I do believe my intentions with
01:14:08
people are good and at the end of the
01:14:10
day I can sleep at night really well
01:14:13
because I like who I am
01:14:15
and it's just as simple as that I like
01:14:17
my choices
01:14:18
but as you say that's been a journey
01:14:20
right
01:14:21
yeah yeah you used the word earlier use
01:14:23
the word compassion to describe
01:14:26
you know you talk about that like
01:14:28
in a child work that you've done yeah
01:14:31
um
01:14:33
how do you feel about that person that
01:14:34
you that went through that Journey what
01:14:38
would you say to that person if they
01:14:39
were sat on a chair they were on a third
01:14:41
chair on this table yeah what would you
01:14:43
try and I uh I've actually done that
01:14:45
exercise where you write a letter to
01:14:48
your younger self
01:14:50
and um
01:14:52
I feel I feel so badly now that I
01:14:58
shunned her and like didn't I'm gonna
01:15:00
talk about myself
01:15:01
as a her and me this is me younger me is
01:15:04
her
01:15:05
I didn't give her a chance to speak up
01:15:08
like whereas now I'm like what was
01:15:11
hurting you so bad that you needed to do
01:15:13
that like I kind of give her the stage
01:15:14
to talk about her feelings
01:15:17
and I really truly believe that I was
01:15:19
handling it in the best way I knew how
01:15:21
at the time now I would handle it
01:15:23
differently because I have the tools I
01:15:24
have this like spiritual emotional tool
01:15:27
belt that if I'm feeling sad or whatever
01:15:28
I'm like okay we'll do this
01:15:30
but I didn't know I didn't know any
01:15:32
better and I was doing the best I could
01:15:36
and I am proud of
01:15:40
that
01:15:42
of my younger self because we went
01:15:45
through a lot like more things than I
01:15:48
could ever possibly say in a podcast and
01:15:50
so many people don't even know about
01:15:53
that part of me but it was
01:15:56
hard and dark and maybe I shouldn't have
01:15:58
even gotten out of it and I did and
01:16:01
that's so cool and I feel Brave and
01:16:04
courageous and
01:16:06
and I know that I went through those
01:16:09
things to talk about it why else do you
01:16:11
go through [ __ ] like you're you're
01:16:12
supposed to share your experiences
01:16:14
because it will reach someone
01:16:16
and um
01:16:18
I just compassion is the perfect word
01:16:21
for my younger self
01:16:24
when we I'm talking in hindsight we
01:16:27
often create the impression that
01:16:30
and I do this a lot that everything is
01:16:32
great now and that's just like not the
01:16:35
nature of life right life continues to
01:16:37
be a roller coaster
01:16:38
um what are the things now that you're
01:16:40
still you still work on oh boy I'm so
01:16:44
emotionally impulsive and responsive
01:16:46
like because I'm so
01:16:51
I guess the word is passionate but I
01:16:55
I really sometimes it's hard for me to
01:16:58
see all sides of the coin and like see
01:17:01
someone else's perspective I and I work
01:17:04
on that a lot
01:17:05
I
01:17:09
I don't have
01:17:11
all the patients in the world
01:17:13
but I I struggle with what people think
01:17:16
of me a lot I struggle with
01:17:21
what am I doing why are you here what
01:17:24
are you talking about like those that
01:17:26
that inner critic is loud sometimes
01:17:30
um
01:17:32
it's it's really what have you done in
01:17:34
terms of you know you struggle with what
01:17:36
people think about you sometimes you've
01:17:38
got like
01:17:39
shitloads of followers
01:17:41
you know you've got a lot of people that
01:17:43
are giving their opinion on you at all
01:17:45
times
01:17:46
[Music]
01:17:47
what have you done in terms of practical
01:17:50
steps to protect yourself
01:17:52
um well I've read somewhere that you
01:17:54
went you did like a rehab like a digital
01:17:55
rehab at some point in your life I mean
01:17:58
I do my own version of digital detoxing
01:18:02
which is simply it's not the first thing
01:18:04
I look at in the morning I don't grab
01:18:06
from my phone and I turn my phone on do
01:18:09
not disturb at like seven and I don't
01:18:11
look at it until the morning unless it's
01:18:13
to text Kate over there
01:18:15
um but I were you addicted to your phone
01:18:17
I'm still addicted
01:18:19
it's nuts I'm like yeah I can go without
01:18:22
getting Wi-Fi on this two hour flight
01:18:24
cut to me putting in my credit card info
01:18:26
it's so and it's this need it's not
01:18:29
to to know what people are thinking of
01:18:31
me but I am addicted to being available
01:18:33
all the time and that and I feel we're
01:18:37
all guilty of that like just being glued
01:18:39
to this phone and
01:18:41
texting back immediately or I don't feel
01:18:44
the pressure to
01:18:47
like socially like on social media I
01:18:50
don't feel that pressure to need to
01:18:52
always be present anymore
01:18:55
um a lot of times in my career I have
01:18:56
felt like it's expected in that
01:18:59
can feel a little draining Because
01:19:01
unless something feels authentic I don't
01:19:03
want to do it like I don't want to have
01:19:05
to do it I feel like I'm at this point
01:19:08
now in my career where I don't need to
01:19:11
so I kind of just do what I want which
01:19:12
is nice and freeing
01:19:14
um but I do think it's important to
01:19:17
disconnect and that looks different for
01:19:19
everyone
01:19:21
um
01:19:22
30s I'm in my 30s as well
01:19:25
congratulations thank you yeah it's nice
01:19:27
isn't it it's nice it's really nice yeah
01:19:29
20s is always well for me it was a bit
01:19:31
of a mess uh so trying to figure
01:19:33
yourself out and you know dealing with
01:19:34
all these emotions and trying to
01:19:36
whatever but um
01:19:38
in this next chapter of your life
01:19:41
what are you manifesting for Lucy
01:19:46
I mean here's something I've been
01:19:48
working on recently because I am truly a
01:19:51
believer in creating the life you want I
01:19:53
believe our thoughts are powerful our
01:19:55
thoughts create everything but I think
01:19:58
where I've gotten stuck or in trouble or
01:20:01
where a lot of people might be stuck is
01:20:03
that we you know we manifest a person a
01:20:06
job whatever but then we hold on to
01:20:08
tightly of to the expectation of what
01:20:10
that is
01:20:12
um so it's like now I'm at this point
01:20:14
where I want to
01:20:17
manifest specific things but be okay if
01:20:20
it doesn't work out exactly how I think
01:20:22
and kind of looking at it as being kind
01:20:26
of neutral with life it's just like
01:20:28
living freely like going with the flow I
01:20:31
don't typically go with the flow I'm not
01:20:33
a go with the flow kind of gal
01:20:35
um but I you know my priorities are a
01:20:37
little different now like I do want a
01:20:39
family I think recently I'm I decided I
01:20:41
do want kids
01:20:42
I have two lovely dogs my goal now I
01:20:45
want to farm with goats and chickens and
01:20:48
so many dogs
01:20:50
and I just want to keep
01:20:52
you know I can say so many things about
01:20:54
my career and if I'm lucky enough to
01:20:56
work and create and do all the roles I
01:20:58
want to do like that's freaking amazing
01:21:00
but mainly I love
01:21:03
discovering more about myself and why I
01:21:05
am the way I am and why people are the
01:21:07
way they are like I think this whole
01:21:10
journey of self-discovery and
01:21:11
self-healing is one that's constant
01:21:12
there is no end goal
01:21:14
and I'm just going to keep it's a
01:21:17
marathon not a Sprint so I just want to
01:21:18
keep
01:21:19
on this really beautiful path
01:21:22
then I'm on
01:21:25
you proud of yourself yeah
01:21:28
yeah
01:21:29
and it's not
01:21:33
for the reasons you might think I mean
01:21:34
if I'm proud of
01:21:36
my work ethic and and the things I've
01:21:38
accomplished but I'm proud that I've
01:21:41
faced
01:21:42
what I thought were my worst fears
01:21:45
about myself I am proud
01:21:49
of how I show up every day I'm proud of
01:21:54
how we treat people I'm proud of having
01:21:58
this conversation with you I just knew I
01:22:00
was like okay well I'm not gonna have
01:22:02
any expectations about what this is
01:22:03
going to be I'm just going to follow his
01:22:05
lead and you
01:22:08
present such a safe space and I'm
01:22:10
grateful that you allowed me to
01:22:12
be myself
01:22:14
I'm going to ask you a really
01:22:15
interesting question I don't think I've
01:22:16
ever not gonna cry again what is wrong
01:22:18
with me okay go ahead
01:22:21
okay
01:22:22
why does that make you emotional
01:22:27
because I don't really I I feel like I
01:22:30
I think it's because I am proud of
01:22:32
myself I think it's because I don't
01:22:33
always have these conversations or I
01:22:35
haven't always shown up
01:22:38
how I want to show up
01:22:40
I cry because
01:22:42
this is just who I am today I'm a weepy
01:22:45
emotional version of myself and
01:22:49
you spend a lot of time acting right
01:22:50
yeah literally yeah
01:23:00
it's so I've come to learn so much from
01:23:02
doing this this um this show about the
01:23:05
negative effect of prolonged periods of
01:23:09
living outside of yourself and what I
01:23:10
mean by that is like the authenticity
01:23:12
like the the damage that does to one of
01:23:15
escaping yourself for whatever reason
01:23:17
whether it's for success or work or
01:23:19
whether it's trying to escape some
01:23:20
trauma or some some other thing that's
01:23:23
living deep with inside of you but
01:23:25
either way the attempt to escape
01:23:26
yourself through creating an identity or
01:23:28
alcohol or whatever it always seems to
01:23:30
just be such an unsustainable it's not
01:23:33
painful process that causes more harm
01:23:35
and even more reason to escape yourself
01:23:37
paradoxically exactly
01:23:40
um
01:23:41
and that's really transparent in your
01:23:43
story because if for many reasons
01:23:44
obviously but but also because of your
01:23:46
you know
01:23:47
that's the job the job is to be
01:23:51
you know uh someone else yeah yeah quite
01:23:54
literally yeah but you know also no
01:23:56
wonder I got into my line of work
01:23:58
because oh I don't have to figure out
01:24:00
who I am I can do all these things and
01:24:02
be all these people people want me to be
01:24:03
that's why I got away with it so long
01:24:05
and then I was like oh The Jig Is up we
01:24:07
gotta discover who I am it's gonna be
01:24:09
hard and scary
01:24:10
but
01:24:12
yeah
01:24:13
we have a closing tradition on this
01:24:15
podcast where the last guest asks a
01:24:17
question for the next guest
01:24:19
do you speak to yourself
01:24:22
the way you speak to those that you love
01:24:26
that's a really beautiful question
01:24:29
um
01:24:32
I'd say about half of the time now I do
01:24:36
I really feel like I show up for my
01:24:40
friends
01:24:41
and I'm a words of affirmation gal like
01:24:44
I always let people know I'm grateful
01:24:45
for them and I'm just like a lover you
01:24:48
know like I want people in my life to
01:24:49
know I love them and I
01:24:51
but I can also have like a venomous
01:24:53
tongue sometimes like I'm not to
01:24:55
yourself to others some it's like I can
01:24:57
emotionally respond to people in an
01:24:59
unkind way but I always
01:25:02
hold myself accountable so to answer
01:25:05
that question I can be very kind and at
01:25:08
times unkind to the people I love the
01:25:11
most and it's similar to myself the the
01:25:14
cruel inner critic self-critic
01:25:18
I
01:25:19
I I only do to myself and you know I'm
01:25:22
still finding ways to quiet that voice
01:25:24
but I have made it a habit to say nice
01:25:28
things about myself and
01:25:31
and it feels silly sometimes and a
01:25:33
little like not egotistical but like
01:25:36
saying kind affirmations to yourself
01:25:38
feels really
01:25:40
bizarre at the beginning because we
01:25:43
almost think it's unhumble or does that
01:25:45
make sense like uh but I
01:25:48
yeah I take time out of my day to be say
01:25:50
cool things to myself kind things to
01:25:52
myself as well but
01:25:55
um but I'm still working on the voice
01:25:57
that's
01:25:59
not so nice
01:26:00
speaking of kind things um
01:26:03
also never asked anybody this question
01:26:05
before but um seems quite relevant in
01:26:07
your story because I was just reflecting
01:26:08
on that story you told about your mother
01:26:09
appending her life to come to LA with
01:26:12
her her teenage daughter to pursue her
01:26:14
her dreams when you when you look back
01:26:16
on the journey you've you've had so far
01:26:18
what who if there were like you know a
01:26:20
couple of people that
01:26:22
you you wanted to say thank you to even
01:26:25
though thank you would never really be
01:26:26
enough
01:26:27
to explain the Gratitude you have for
01:26:29
them who are those individuals you can
01:26:31
include yourself if that's relevant at
01:26:32
all
01:26:33
um
01:26:35
I mean
01:26:37
definitely my mom but I tell her this
01:26:39
all the time thank you uh my manager who
01:26:42
I also tell all the time
01:26:44
thank you
01:26:46
she
01:26:49
my I would not be where I am personally
01:26:51
or professionally without her and she's
01:26:53
gone well beyond being a manager she has
01:26:56
been the most humankind patient gracious
01:26:59
selfless woman to me when she didn't
01:27:02
have to be
01:27:04
um
01:27:07
it's hard for me to choose this because
01:27:09
I'm such a I tell people all the time
01:27:11
because that's how I receive love is
01:27:13
like I want to hear it so I always make
01:27:14
it a point to tell people I've I've been
01:27:17
so lucky along the way of having people
01:27:18
that have been very good to me but
01:27:21
um
01:27:22
there's one
01:27:23
woman in particular who
01:27:26
is still a friend but her name is Joanna
01:27:28
Garcia she's an actress and she was
01:27:31
number one on the call she lead of the
01:27:33
show privileged I did on the CW and I
01:27:37
remember
01:27:38
how she so num so for people that don't
01:27:42
know number one on the call sheet is
01:27:43
kind of It kind of goes in from biggest
01:27:45
role like lead to
01:27:48
there are no small parts but you know
01:27:50
what I'm saying she was the lead of the
01:27:51
show and she treated everyone with such
01:27:54
kindness and Grace and
01:27:57
and I remember and she was so good to me
01:28:01
and I was like I want to be like that
01:28:03
that's the kind of number one on a show
01:28:06
I want to be not even more than that
01:28:07
that's the kind of person I want to be
01:28:09
she knew everyone's name
01:28:11
and
01:28:13
and she had such an impact on me and I
01:28:16
don't know if I've ever
01:28:18
actually told her that
01:28:20
that she is still someone I think about
01:28:22
it's almost like what would Joanna do I
01:28:25
could still I could wear the what would
01:28:26
Jesus do bracelet what would I want to
01:28:28
do
01:28:29
uh
01:28:30
and it's people like that I've been
01:28:32
really fortunate with the people I've
01:28:34
worked with in my life that have
01:28:36
inspired me so thanks Joanna leaping
01:28:39
back to the start of this conversation
01:28:40
um it was really startling to me that
01:28:42
you hadn't had many conversations
01:28:44
like this before it like really baffled
01:28:46
me it's actually the thing I was saying
01:28:47
before you arrived because I go on
01:28:49
YouTube I go on whatever and I'm so
01:28:51
superficial I'm so tired of talking
01:28:52
about my beauty routine I could just die
01:28:54
like I can't do it anymore but it was it
01:28:58
was so like I was literally over there
01:28:59
watching a video where it was like
01:29:00
when's the first time you had a cup of
01:29:02
coffee do you remember the one and I
01:29:04
mean
01:29:05
also I just
01:29:07
yeah I mean no I don't because they all
01:29:08
kind of blend I mean it was like a
01:29:10
buzzfeed thing where they're asking you
01:29:11
these questions
01:29:13
I just found it so surprising that you'd
01:29:15
never really
01:29:17
never really got to know who who Lucy
01:29:20
was
01:29:22
and I think and I'm grateful no one's
01:29:24
asked a lot of these questions before
01:29:26
because I don't think I was ready I
01:29:28
don't think I knew how to answer them
01:29:30
so
01:29:32
I uh I feel similarly like I feel like
01:29:35
there's so much more to me that
01:29:37
people might realize or that I have to
01:29:40
talk about
01:29:41
um
01:29:43
but I do believe in the timing of life
01:29:45
and I just maybe I wasn't
01:29:47
quite ready to answer those big
01:29:49
questions Lucy thank you so much you're
01:29:52
amazing thank you so much for this thank
01:29:53
you
01:29:53
[Music]
01:30:16
you got to the end of this podcast
01:30:17
whenever someone gets to the end of this
01:30:18
podcast I feel like I owe them a greater
01:30:20
debt of gratitude because that means you
01:30:22
listen to the whole thing and hopefully
01:30:23
that suggests that you enjoyed it if you
01:30:25
are at the end and you enjoyed this
01:30:27
podcast could you do me a little bit of
01:30:29
a favor and hit that subscribe button
01:30:31
that's one of the clearest indicators we
01:30:33
have that this episode was a good
01:30:34
episode and we look at that on all of
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01:30:39
thank you so much and I'll see you again
01:30:41
next time
