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my books wouldn't be as good if I if I hadn't gone through that trauma welcome Richard Osman ladies and gentlemen
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bestselling novelist television producer presented you know if you have a trauma of any type and and you are looked after
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and you're guided through it you can come out the other side if however you're sort of left alone in your trauma
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your own Solutions never work I never sat and thought oh I've got a problem with my life but I would have addictive behaviors around food when did you realize that it was their strange
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Behavior I me it's an addiction there's no other way of putting it it's like having a bottle of vodka then having another bottle of vodka then having
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another bottle of vodka if you see somebody is different they do not need to be told I've had that with my height
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you know and I know you're just thinking yeah but it's just me you think yeah but it's just you and five other people every single day I didn't live the life
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I should have done for many years I wish I'd been more myself in those years and I would have taken much less success and
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much more happiness what what is happiness gosh that's a good question well his his here's the way I always think about it that makes a lot of sense
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you think before this episode begins I just want to say a huge thank you to all of
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Bartlett and this is the D of a CEO I hope nobody's listening but if you are then please keep this to [Music]
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yourself Richard Stephen what do I need to know about you and your earliest years to understand
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the man you went on to be and all the things you went on to do uh it's a good question well if you mean professionally
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the man I I I I went on to be um I grew up loving popular culture loving mainstream culture loving mainstream television um so you know that's always been in my soul uh I came from a big
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workingclass family and now find myself in a very middle class world so I I I sort of have a sense of what different
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people um from different places in Britain like to watch or like to read uh so that really and you know I grew up i'
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U visually very visually impaired so I don't see the world particularly brilliantly but I'm always listening to
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the world I'm always interested in what people are saying and you know getting that sort of thing uh so I think that
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combination of things means I've had a career of sort of working out what people might quite like and then finding
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the right people to help me make those things your your earliest years kind of reminded me of mine in many ways because
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I I almost view my earliest years as two chapters there was for me there was the first chapter which was really Pleasant
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I remember it being a very happy home and then there was a second chapter which would I could describe basically as dysfunctional yes and a bit of bit of
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a nightmare yeah there there there's similarity so I was I was I was nine my father left when I was nine and this being the 1970s we didn't really see him again it wasn't sort of it wasn't touchy
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feely oh everyone still loves each other it was you know off off he went and so yeah I was probably the same but quite
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happy gol lucky up to that age and then afterwards you sort of have to you know build a mask for yourself a little bit
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and you know pretend you're okay and pretend you're not in pain uh weirdly and that ability to sort of create your
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own narrative was helpful in my later care career you know I'd rather not have had it but that
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ability to sort of pretend that everything's okay and to to write a different story um which is which is uh
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very much what I did but um yeah I think that anyone who's had that sort of Disconnect uh it affects them one way or
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another and it was very you know an unhappy time and it's led to lots of unhappiness uh since then but it doesn't
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make me unhappy anymore for sure I've absolutely come to terms with it come to peace with it um and you know I always
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say trauma is not the problem it's in inability to deal with trauma is the problem you know if you have a trauma of
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any type and and you are looked after and you're guided through it you can probably come out the other side if
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however you're sort of left alone in your trauma and you come up with your own Solutions your own Solutions never
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work uh so I definitely had that but um I try and use it you know I'm very connected still to the nine-year-old
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weirdly because I've had that sort of interregnum where I was a slightly different person so I'm always able to
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um I'm always able to find that 9-year-old and that 9-year-old was very interested in new things and what's on
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tell and you know uh who's playing football this afternoon and you know what's in the pot charts and you know that's the stuff that I loved when I was
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nine and it's the stuff that I still love now I'm always always what's next what's next what's next you talked you
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talked I think it was a Sunday Times interview you did where you said at that age you had to manufacture yourself a little bit and I found that really
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interesting because I've heard this a few times from a few different people I've sat here with that have undergone
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uh sort of a tectonic shift in their early years what do you mean by manufacture yourself a little bit well I
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think when you get into your teenage years you are working out who you are and you know we could we we we all of us change and we change in you know in
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reaction to the world around us and thing new things that we experience and new friends and new schools you know we become different people but I think if
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at the heart of it there is a lie so my lie would be everything is okay I don't need my dad to be around it's okay that I hear my mom crying at night you know if that's my lie then everything I build
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is built on a fault line you know so everything is built on that fault line so however big I build the you know my
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personality there's going to come a point and happened to me probably late 20s when there's an earthquake because
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that fault line gets bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger so it's just but we all build our personalities and if you build them on truth if you build
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them on firm foundations if you build them on good faith then you know you have a chance if you build them on fault
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lines then it always com comes out that makes a lot of sense you think yeah because that's that's completely consistent with when I've sat here with people who've spent Decades of their
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life or Decades of their career even um building thems up on a li or as you've referred to as a wearing a mask um the the earthquake always comes well here's
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here here's the way I always think about it listen people tell you there's no such thing as truth and of course that that's true I get it there's no such
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thing as actual reality but I think our personality we sort of have a true north
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right which if nothing goes wrong or if we respond to trauma well we carry on our life and the true north goes up
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through us and we sort of dance around it and we can sort of wander in and out the fields around this sort of True North if you deviate from True North
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especially very young then suddenly True North is here and you're heading off in this direction right and for quite a
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while you're not very far from your true north but if you're like 15 20 years in you're so far away from what you should
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be right now you don't know that you're telling a lie okay that's the absolute key you don't know that you're lying to yourself right so what you're seeing is
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the reality of the world seems alien to you and you can't work out why you think
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why why don't I fit in what why why am I not sort of doing the right things and it's because you're so far away from where you need to be and lots of people will fill that Gap with um addictions
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and drugs and booze and and weird behaviors but eventually I think most people work out the reason the world
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doesn't seem right is I'm not right you know and some people narcissists will try and drag the world to them look at Trump he tries to drag the world to him all the time okay because of his childhood and which we get right but
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most people at some point just go no I need I've got to make that leap I've got to LEAP back to where I was which is a
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long journey but but a worthwhile one but I think it's just we just keep going just slightly off course slightly off
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course and the longer that goes on for the further we are from where we should be if you were to um have stayed on your
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true north M throughout that whole period what would you have done instead oh well it's a very good question uh I
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sort of think that I would have done roughly the same thing I think I would have ended up in in TV or journalism or
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writing one way or another I think that and especially think this with the books
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I think that it has given me an empathy for people and for pain and you know I see pain in other people all the time and I see Denial in other people all the time uh and I think those things
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go through the books so I think my books wouldn't be as good if I if I hadn't gone through that trauma uh you know and
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again I trade the two off in a heartbeat so I think I would have done the same thing but I don't think it would have
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had the same soul is the truth and therefore I don't think it would have had quite the same impact or success you
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say you you trade the two off in a heartbeat yeah What happiness for cuz I mean listen you you've been enormously
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successful right but the question is why okay what are you after right are you after money okay you after money but why what what is it that money is doing for you it can buy you certain things okay
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why do you want those things what are they doing for you and the answer is always one thing which is happiness contentment right just comfort in and of
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yourself that's all you want is to wake up in the morning and be comfortable with who you are to have enough and to
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be comfortable with who you are uh and I think that you know that's the thing happiness is the only thing we seek and if IID grown up happier I think I would have found happiness easier to find and
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you know my happiness has been hard one and I'm happy you know now it's great cuz I'm 51 and I'm I'm in this lovely
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place but then you know there's sort of 10 15 years where you think oh you know what I wish I'd I wish I'd been more
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myself in those years uh and I would have taken much less success and much more happiness it's funny I asked that
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question because I remember Mo gadat sitting here and talking to me about the Eraser test they did on people where they asked people if you could remove
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the most traumatic events of your life would you do it and he says that 95% of people says they would say they wouldn't
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yeah I think it's interesting that because I I don't think people I I don't think it's a real question because what
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you're really saying to people is would you erase who you are and would you erase and you know of course you wouldn't of course you would not erase
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who you are because it's very dear to you however if you were able to live that other reality and live this reality and see which one of these do you prefer I think you'd say the one without the trauma is my opinion none of us would
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ever say yes I want to erase who I was okay I mean it's crazy but actually the truth is if we had the two side by side
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like a you know a Costa and a Starbucks and say which would you prefer we would pick the uh we'd pick the the um I don't
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know which is the best one I don't know either I think I don't know I don't want to exactly what I was thinking I don't
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know I don't know what it cost to all Starbucks they're both they're both fine companies I imagine there's a lot of
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people listening to this now that have had a traumatic event happen to them or of course they going to have traumatic events in their future what I'm really
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interested in is knowing the impact that your decision to no longer see your dad and however else you behaved at that
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time had on you later how in hindsight do you think it would have been better to act better for me to act I I don't
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think it's a question for me cuz I'm 10 10 11 years old right and I'm I'm not I'm I'm I'm not the sort of significant
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actor in that situation you know you you you're not able to rationalize the world
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correctly you know it's for the people around you and this this no disrespect by the way to the people around me because you have very very different
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times and my M just been through the most extraordinary trauma I mean much more than I had been through and so she
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was not in a position to act in my best interest there and my dad wasn't in a best position to to work in my interest
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and nobody was no one knew you know there's lots of talk about mental health now and isn't it you know uh but no one
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talked about that stuff back then I mean they really really didn't talk about that stuff back then you know it just didn't exist you know you you it was the
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sort of Hangover from the kind of postwar years where you just didn't complain you know and that that's still
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the mindset we had so listen if if if it had happened uh more recently yeah it would have been much simpler and listen I'd have found a different trauma you know it's personality type seekout
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trauma is the truth uh and I would have found a different trauma um to explain a way my differences but I think that um
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yeah I I think that had it happened 30 years later conversations would have been had people would have sat in rooms and we' have worked out what the best
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thing to do was but it's the world was such a different place in sort of 1979 it sort of feels very very recent to me
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uh but you know the world world was an entirely different place I we didn't even have to have those conversations in 1992 when I was born yeah I think that's
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right they started showing up about 10 years ago I think the conversations around mental health and mental well-being before then even the prospect
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of being mentally ill had this like horrible stigma that associated with like stray jackets and asylums not we
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didn't think of the fact that we all have mental health I think I think that's exactly right and listen there's an awful lot wrong with our this new
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social media Ace but one of the good things is if you are different then you are supported and you have friendships
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around you I'm listen you're also attacked that's the problem with social media rise because you know suddenly you're seen as a group uh but you are
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supported and you can find like-minded people you can find people in the same position no one at my school was from divorced parents you know it just didn't
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you know when I went to comprehensive school there's a few more but not really uh and now of course you know you can be on you know you can be online and you
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can meet a thousand people in your situation in one evening you know and that I think it would would would be rather helpful you've talked about how
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you've come to peace with that resentment that you had with your father how oh easily because he's a
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human being and I got it and I got to the age that he was when he left saw the situation that he had found himself in
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and I thought yeah I get it I see why you would do that you know I did the same I you know I left the mother of my children um hopefully in a very
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different way but um you know I absolutely get it he found himself in a situation he couldn't get out of um so
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ran away and you know I met him in later life and he's an all right guy you know
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he's a perfectly decent man but he didn't have the language and he he didn't have the brain space for for that
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sort of conflict he just didn't have it he just was in a situation he didn't want to be in and ran away which is which is very common and again people
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you know do it less now because you know you you can talk to people and Men didn't talk to other men then you know
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he found himself at a place in life where he just thought I'm not who I need to be you know I'm unhappy and so he
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found an excuse and left and so I've always you know I have no resentment to towards him anymore I get it I sort of
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wish that I loved him and I wish that there was that I felt that love and I wish I had that big sort of family thing but gosh there's worse problems in the
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world um but but of course I understand why he did it you know this it's the age-old story people have been doing it
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for generations and they'll keep doing it empathy was your yeah I think so and and and it's um an empathy for one's enemies I don't wish to call them an enemy but you know what I mean for someone who's who's an antagonist in
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your life rather than a protagonist people talk a lot about empathy and I think they don't have empathy for their
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their opponents or for people who disagree with them or for people who who've lived a different experience H and you think that's empathy empathy is
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not just saying I feel sorry for people or can we help people you know that of course is empathy and it's kindness but
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empathy is also why does half the country disagree with me you know why does half the country live their life in
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a in a different way why do they not care about what I care about that's acual empathy and that's that that's in Shor of Supply I would say but yeah
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learning to forgive someone who's who's caused you trauma uh and not forgive but but understand the FR say to understand
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all is to forgive all which I which which I sort of I sort of get um you know if you're inside someone's head you
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go okay I see it I see why you did it so listen I'd rather he hadn't done it but I understand entirely why he did and and
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yeah that's that's I guess a very good example of empathy the sort of empathy you you wish you didn't have to have but
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um you know it's very useful you needed more information on his context to get that empathy or or was it because you
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use the word learning to forgive yeah which I think is an apt to word cuz it's not easy to to do that it's not just a
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decision we can well it is I guess to some part but it's a very difficult decision to make to to really well I
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mean look in in my situation I hadn't seen him for 20 years and then I did see him um maybe a bit less maybe 18 years
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and so yeah I'd had a long time to Build That Wall around me I had a long I you know I'd had conversations with him in
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my head a lot and you know the conversations you have people who aren't there become very powerful and you know
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you you constantly have that conversation again this is what I would say this is what I would say uh and then you meet up and you start saying a
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couple of those things and you're just there with a guy who's just saying look I was just unhappy and you know I love
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you and you know I wish I hadn't had to do it you just go it takes the sting out of all the conversations you've had over the years now for me he didn't have the
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conversations with me that I needed you know there was no he wasn't really apologetic he didn't really understand
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the first thing he said to me is I I bet you wonder what I've been up to since I left and I thought not really you know I
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sort of think maybe what I've been up to might be of interest to you and so he he he he didn't he didn't have he didn't
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have the vocabulary to to to reform the relationship is the truth um and I sort of felt he hadn't needed it but I I i'
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said to him towards the end of his life I did say have you had a happy life there have you had a happy life since
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you left and he said yes I thought you know what that's that's fine for me that'll do me listen it's I'd rather he
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was happy but um yeah it's uh it's it's a it's a long journey to sort of go do you know what I get why he did it and now the stuff that I built up
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around it is now my responsibility and and and and it's my thing to deal with not his and in that interview I think
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with the Sunday Times you said you you went to his funeral and you found yourself very you found yourself upset
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but not at what one would think yeah I thought I went down with my brother funly enough who who had even less to do
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with him than I did and my kids were there and it it was so unemotional uh and you know I was very careful you know I thought no com remember that sometimes these things hit
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you and this is your father and he's died uh and I couldn't connect with him I cried briefly at the end cuz I cried because
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of what could have been because of the relationship I missed but I wasn't crying for him uh and from the next day
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on it didn't hit me again there was no kind of Aftershock uh and that's sort of the that's really upset me that there
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was not cuz I'm an Emo very emotional person I'll cry anything I'll cry the repair shop uh and I was sort of
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thinking this this has not knocked me particularly uh and I thought that was very sad because what a what a waste of
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love you know what a waste of things that could have been and my brother was the same I could you know I said to my kids did Uncle mat cry and they went no
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no no no so you know it's it's the same thing and you know people around him were crying and you the people who he
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loved and who loved him so he built that life you know without us but for me I just thought oh that's there it is you
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know my grandparents funerals I was crying but my father's funeral it was just I was glad I was there but there was there was it just you can't lie and
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pretend that it connects when it doesn't you seem to be more significantly more shaped by Brenda ah my mom yeah no I'm
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definitely I'm definitely shaped by her I didn't have any other option than to be shaped by her cuz it was just me her
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and my brother in the house yeah no I was very lucky to whatever my trauma and listen we can overestimate these things
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cuz I was brought up in a very loving household and brought up in a very smart household and my mom uh became a primary
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school teacher uh after my dad left and you know just very wise and very protective and you know uh so I I really in the sort of Lottery of life's parents
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I I have to accept that the one I had was an awful lot better than the two that many people have give me a flavor
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of her her character and personality and her her manner well she is let's say she's a she's a primary school teacher
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so she's used to um you know if you ever went into a into a class that my mom was teaching they'd be silent if she wanted
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them to be silent but she's very very softly spoken and where she is now in her Retirement Village which is the
00:20:02
basis of the Thursday Murder Club books she's surrounded by people with very strong opinions of very strong personalities and my mom looks like she
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wouldn't say boo to a goose she looks like she's very unassuming uh but you know I know after these big meetings
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where they're all shouting at each other my mom will be the one to stand up and just say I wonder if we should do this
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and give the solution to the thing you know while everyone else is eos have sort of blown themselves out she sort of slips in and sort of says I wonder if we
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do this and that's not just by the way oh I'm kindly and wise it's also she wants to get her own way and she knows
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she knows that that's the way to do it so yeah she she's she she's very bright very quiet very unassuming uh and sort
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of is the opposite of of of a tiger mother you know these mothers that make sure you're doing you know piano practice and French lessons and you know
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learning Mandarin and all this kind of stuff she just she let me watch TV she let my brother play his guitar and sort
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of trusted that we'd find our way in life and that's I think certainly for me and my brother often the best way to
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bring up kids is is to is to let them find what they love and just let them get on with it that decision to just let
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you watch the Telly pretty formative I guess well yeah and and and you know listen we can
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always look back in hindsight and go she was a genius she knew that that was going to be my career but I think that
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she realized when I was watching TV that I wasn't doing it passively and which is true when I was watching TV I was always
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looking at the credits who does what on a TV show what are the names of these people and you know if there were jokes on a sitcom thinking oh that's
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interesting why why did that make me laugh but that that bit doesn't make me laugh or formats you know how do why do
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they always end on a round in a qu show where you can catch up loads of points what's that about so I was never watching passively I was always I was
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fascinated with I was always interested with it uh and I think that she I see it with my son on computer games he plays
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games all the time but then he he's talking to me about the industry and he's talking to me about how they monetize it and he's talking to me about
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you know different forms of games and I just think great you could keep playing games then because that's the thing that you love and so long as you're
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interested in how it's put together then you know that become a career and I don't think my mom thought I ever would
00:22:02
have a career in Teddy because we didn't know anybody like that but I think she just sort of trusted that something was going in and that you know I was never
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interested in school work I just not it it wasn't my thing at all I I could get by but it never sparked my interest
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really uh but TV always did and the stuff I was watching and Sport always did you know I'd watch and watch and
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watch and that's you know almost all my lessons would take you know again with someone who's very visually impaired I can sit up very close to the Telly so
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you know so many of my lessons are from from TV not not from The Real World cuz the real world I can't really see it you know you can't really see it well
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everything's in a fog I mean that's the that's the point so I I never noticed details if I want to see a bird in a tree or a cricket ball going towards a
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bat I can't that's not something I can see never will do I can't drive or anything like that was on TV the whole
00:22:46
world is out there I can go in you know I've never been a big traveler anything like that I I want to stay at home but I
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can watch any country in the world on television you know that's the thing that I can see and I'm Ed the reason I
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don't want to travel is I don't want to travel I don't want to get on a plane I don't I don't want all of that but I want to learn about places I want to see
00:23:04
things and TV you just it just shows you everything and it showed me everything uh and it introduced me to people and
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you know even now I watch daytime TV I get so much information about human beings from watching those shows and
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seeing people's reactions which I don't see in real life you know cuz I'm up close to it I get to see it all and TV's
00:23:21
given me all of that you know and uh I think TV is so huge and such a huge part of our culture we sort of I think we forget it exists I think we forget quite what a powerful thing it is we talk about Cinema and music and all this kind
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of stuff and this is the age of Television you know this is my generation I think perhaps the your
00:23:41
generation the next one it's going to be much less so but television is the thing it's in the corner of everybody's rooms
00:23:47
you know and it shows us so many things it teaches us so many things uh but it's so or it's it became too successful that
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we sort of take it for granted and now we'll say oh TV's collapsed you go yeah but country f is getting 6 million
00:23:59
viewers you know that's like it's a lot of people you know and um I've I've so much of what I know about the world and what people like and politics and that comes from TV and what what people watch
00:24:11
nigus is that how you pronounce itus nagus yeah stmas that's the condition you've had since birth yeah so you
00:24:18
wouldn't you wouldn't know any otherwise I'm guess yeah exactly I've I've always um yeah my eyes it's always been blurry
00:24:24
and it's like an uncontrollable moving of the the pupils I did once I never use AQ on television I can't see it uh and
00:24:32
once when I did have I got news for you they because it's all gags that are written you have to and I was hosting
00:24:38
they said you're going to have to use it you usually I can learn stuff but that is a whole script worth of gags so I couldn't so they gave me they said look
00:24:45
this is the AQ that Brucey uses so you'll be fine and even that it wasn't big enough I said you've got to move it nearer make it bigger in the end we we
00:24:51
we got it big enough uh but when people were watching it they said oh is Richard Osman drunk because they could see the
00:24:57
effort of having to focus on something my eyes were going absolutely crazy so people think you're drunk and so I never
00:25:03
hosted it I just went you know what I'll be a guest where you know I don't have to and I never use orq on any shows and
00:25:09
again that's one of those silly things where what feels like a disadvantage is a huge Advantage because you know so
00:25:17
many TV shows and we were talking just before we came on air about about how shows are edited and I'm think about House of games think about Dragon's Den
00:25:23
they're edited in in in a in a very sort of military way you know they got the same shots each time and the one thing
00:25:30
I've got controlled over is what I say and the second something is on AQ you say the same thing because the producers put the same thing in because they got
00:25:36
other things to be worried about and the fact that I don't have it on AQ means I I just say different things each time you know and it's looser and it's Freer
00:25:42
and people can watch five episodes in a week and I haven't introduced any of them in the same way to the others and
00:25:47
so I've turned that thing of not being able to see to an advantage which is you know I present television shows
00:25:53
differently in a way that's hopefully a bit Freer and feels a bit more natural the other thing you talk about and I've
00:25:59
seen this in a few interviews is your height being something you've almost contended with and it's you know it's interesting because um a lot of short
00:26:07
men want to be tall men and to hear a tall man say yeah speak as if he would rather be a little bit shorter is is quite surprising well I'm 6' seven which is too much is the truth uh and you know
00:26:18
it it it makes you extraordinary look my eyesight is not people can't see that right okay so that's mine and that's
00:26:24
internalized and you know I deal with that how I want to my height is something that people can always see and
00:26:29
I find it I find it fascinating again in this world of social media when when when people talk about microaggressions and stuff that you must have seen your
00:26:35
entire life which is if you're different in any way right you're reminded of it non-stop you know mostly you know people
00:26:43
are not being cruel sometimes they are now I have a height so I'm not being discriminated against because of my
00:26:49
height right it's not you know I'm not it's not costing me anything but I do know that every single day of my life
00:26:55
I'm reminded of it every single day but just Non-Stop and so I know that to be a
00:27:01
person of color to be differently gendered to be all of these things I know that the microaggressions I get
00:27:06
you're getting non-stop every day of your life and in a much more harmful way so I've always hopefully really really
00:27:13
understood the idea of microaggressions and the idea that please I hear this every single day even if you're trying
00:27:20
to be kind you know if you see somebody is different they do not need to be told
00:27:25
they do not need it pointed out every single day because everyone has told them their entire life that they're
00:27:31
different you know and I know you're just thinking yeah but it's just me you think yeah but it's just you and five other people every single day forever
00:27:39
and you know I've had that with my height forever and ever and ever I'm for incredibly self-conscious and most
00:27:45
people are perfectly nice some people are horrible because some people it's it's a really good radar for what people are like I call it a c-word radar
00:27:55
sometimes this being different in any way and which I perhaps you'll agree with which is so many people are sort of
00:28:02
lovely and chat but then you know a couple of times a day there's just someone who wants to shout you out of a window or just wants to make you feel
00:28:08
small ironically you know that's what they want to do and you just think why what someone's a bit different to you and you got to shout something and make your yourself feel a bit better you know and so being different in any way
00:28:20
whatsoever I think really teaches you about people and about the hate that's out there and about the unhappiness
00:28:26
that's out there because that's where it all comes from and so being tall yeah has taught me about microaggressions and
00:28:32
and and has made me try and fight for people who are different and has made me just say to people if someone is
00:28:38
different right just talk to them normally you don't need to it's we never had the word but sometimes I'll sort tweet something about oh I love this film or I love I went to see this gig or blah blah blah and like 10 people go I
00:28:50
was glad I wasn't behind you and you know what it's a perfectly harmless joke right perfectly harmless I get it I
00:28:56
understand why people do it but I get it every single time someone does it so just think for one second has this guy
00:29:03
ever heard this before has he heard this thing before is it a fun thing to say to him because to me if I go to a gig
00:29:09
Cinema it's a nightmare because I don't want to be in front of anyone I go out of my way to be as far back as possible which when you can't see means it's
00:29:15
impossible or you know sit on the island a sit I take it seriously and every single time they say it now that's just
00:29:21
a tiny example but recently people said have started saying oh you mustn't body shame I thought well that's interesting
00:29:27
cuz body body shaming is sort of something that um you know certain people say that all that's what a
00:29:33
snowflake talking about body shaming but actually it really I think yeah that's what you're doing that's what people
00:29:39
have done to me for the last 30 years they body sham me like because they've talked about my stature and I felt
00:29:46
ashamed that's body shaming I mean that's what that is I would never have thought of it as that I just was embarrassed just made me feel shy and
00:29:53
made me not want to go out but it's body shaming and actually having it named you just think oh good for you and it's the
00:29:58
younger generation who do it they're so great and they just say no come on that's body shaming and you think oh
00:30:03
that's such a such a lovely sort of thing to have in my Armory to going of go yeah that's exactly what you're doing
00:30:10
uh and again 90% of people they mean nothing by it and I get it but it's just boring and 10% of people it's you just
00:30:17
think oh you're you're very unpleasant I am I never I'm so glad to hear that because it's really changed my
00:30:23
perspective because um and I mean genuinely mean that like I wouldn't sit here and just go yeah I agree it's just I genuinely have learned something yeah
00:30:29
and um and I think I think it's I think it's because of what I how I phrased the question at the start in the sense that
00:30:36
a lot of people feel a ton of Shame for being slightly shorter which is again it's uh it's it's a point point of being
00:30:42
different um and I've never heard in my experience someone say but it's completely right that wherever they go they must be continually reminded of of the fact that they're taller than everybody and how that might might make
00:30:53
them feel when did that first start happening in your life well sort of in my teenage I was I was I was sort of
00:30:58
very tall from about 177 probably I was always tall but kind of nice oh you're the tallest in your class and that's you know which is quite a fun thing to be
00:31:05
you know and that's what you want you want to be 6'2 right that's what you know anyone who's 5'9 or 67 we all want
00:31:10
to be 6'2 uh and yes so sort of 1718 and when I was off to University which again is very you know so I'm sort of this guy
00:31:17
who is Much Too Tall and is awkward about being tall who can't see anything and who's quite an introvert anyway uh and so and sort of had this full self
00:31:28
anyway from when he was 9 years old and his dad left and everything's okay um so you know there was a real sort of storm
00:31:35
of things Brewing there as I say all of which have bought me good things in the end but uh you know I think um meant
00:31:42
that you know I didn't I didn't live the life I should have done for many years cuz I was sort of hiding away from
00:31:47
things some things I have to hide away from because with my eyesight I just can't it's not safe for me to do various things and something's just my height
00:31:53
and sort of think I'm going to look stupid oh I'm going to look stupid I'm going to roller coaster thing and so what if I come what if my legs don't fit
00:31:59
on that and you know just silly silly little things and you know the world will not the world is not shy in letting you know that you're weird you know that there's something weird about you uh and
00:32:12
certainly that's what I felt I felt weird and of course as soon as you feel weird you have to sort
00:32:17
of you know you live with it and your behavior sort of changes and you're going to go and no I am a weird person
00:32:22
so I have to hide that away or explain away why I'm weird you know I'm very grateful that the one thing I always had
00:32:28
was I was good with words I was able to put things into words I was always able to make people laugh uh and so I for
00:32:33
years I I've been able to paper over the cracks of all of that because I had all this stuff but I knew that I could sit in a room and make people laugh and I
00:32:40
knew I could say the right things to people and and so I I sort of I I I got away with it for years and years and
00:32:45
years is the truth quick one I have some exciting news this episode is brought to you by Mercedes-Benz who recently got in
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the gym exercise movement my mind my breathing and all of those things and most importantly my nutrition that is
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the role he heel plays and so if you haven't already tried heel and you've been resistant to my my pestering then
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give it a go and let me know how you get on you you referred two times now to this storm in your 20s where kind of I
00:34:52
guess this was the point about your true north you must have realized that you were far from your true north and you needed to kind of turn back
00:34:58
or get across towards your true north what was this storm in your 20s well I don't know it's it's an interesting one
00:35:04
really because you know professionally I was doing the thing that I loved you know I started working Telly at 21 I
00:35:09
haven't had a day off since and you know I was being successful because I because
00:35:14
I came from a home where I watched TV and I was in an industry full of people who didn't watch TV it was very very easy for me to rise through the ranks
00:35:20
and to make shows and to invent my own shows and to sell them because you know I felt very very at home uh and so I was
00:35:27
been successful and I was you know ex producing shows and and all sorts of things uh and you know I had kids very
00:35:34
young uh which I'm delighted I I did cuz I'm 51 now and they're like both in their 20s which is amazing you know what
00:35:40
my big presenting issue was was was was was a food addiction and and and weird Behavior around food which which I can
00:35:47
sort of see would be what a nine-year-old would have would have set up for himself uh and what do you mean
00:35:52
by that well I think if you if you are G to be an addict which is almost always how do I run from this pain how do I run
00:35:59
from the fact that you know I'm not where where where I need to be when you're nine food is probably the only
00:36:04
thing that's available to you food attachment maybe you know there's there's there's only a certain amount of
00:36:09
things a 9-year-old uh has at their disposal Hot Wheels I mean there's there's not a lot you can get addicted
00:36:15
to uh and so you know I I would have addictive behaviors around food and that I never sat and thought oh I've got a problem with my life I never thought
00:36:26
that I never thought oh you know I'm I'm not who I'm supposed to be but but I definitely thought was why why do I have
00:36:32
these eating behaviors that's weird uh and then a way they explained my weirdness away for me I mean you're
00:36:37
weird because because you you have this weird eating patterns that's the thing that makes you weird and you think no that's lots of things that make me weird
00:36:44
um and so that's the thing that I went to get help for you know so that's the first time I went into therapy uh which
00:36:51
again from my background is not something I would have considered uh but it had got to such a stage and I so
00:36:57
tired of this behavior of how weird it was and how dumb it made me feel what was the
00:37:03
behavior just o overeating and you know binge eating and all that kind just inability to control food in any way
00:37:10
whatsoever or if I was controlling it just being incredibly strict so either sort of dieting or or being out of
00:37:16
control with food which is much more common than I think we allow as a culture I think you know alcoholism and
00:37:24
drug addiction we get we understand and there there's Pathways to sort of uh getting better but I think food
00:37:29
addiction is is is is the sort of last taboo but you know I haven't spoken about it before the the messages I get
00:37:36
from people just saying yeah that's me or you know my husband came into the kitchen and in tears and just said
00:37:42
that's that's me that's been me for 20 years and that that's the thing that I've got uh and has never spoken about
00:37:47
it to people so I think I think it's really really really uh common also why wouldn't it be you know given the food
00:37:53
industry right why wouldn't it be why why would why would food addiction not not be thing and so I think yeah those
00:37:59
behaviors where you just go do you know what I've got these wonderful kids I've got this great career and yet I'm still secretly eating and feeling deeply
00:38:09
ashamed of myself you know what what's that right and after a while you think oh maybe it's not the food maybe it's me
00:38:15
you know maybe the food is a symptom of something rather than the problem uh which of course is the case you know booze is never the problem is it drugs
00:38:21
are never the problem the what you're running from is the problem so yeah I went to therapy and honestly from the
00:38:27
first session I did I I um that's my path to getting better and well you never not be an addict but that's my path to kind of going okay I get it I see I see what this is most people I
00:38:39
don't think will understand when you when you say Bing cheating and overeating I think a lot of people listening think well I I overeat yeah yeah yeah you know what I mean but but
00:38:45
what I've read from what you described is a very very different to just overeating a big meal once in a while
00:38:51
can you give me some detail as to what you mean by yeah and again look it's it's it's shaming for me to do so but
00:38:57
but a good good example would be I remember one of the first years with with a you know talking to the therapist
00:39:03
about it and and it was it was sort of mid December so I wasn't going to see him for a few weeks and he said look I
00:39:08
hope that you know hope Christmas day is not too triggering because people eat so much on Christmas day you know the classic thing on Christmas day oh my God
00:39:15
you know at all this and ate all the chocolates and the crisp and we had a meal anyway and then there's cheese at night and blah blah blah and I said
00:39:21
honestly I've eaten like it's Christmas day every day for my 20s and 30s that's how you know that's what I've done when I'm in in an episode you know everything is like Christmas Day I'm not eating
00:39:32
because I'm hungry I'm eating because the food is there and because I need I need to not be sitting by myself you know and thinking about whatever I need
00:39:38
to be thinking about it so you know it's that it's that idea it's that it's it's that sort of it's not oh aren't I
00:39:44
naughty I had a cream cake you know it's aren I naughty I had a cream cake and then I had the other three and then 20
00:39:49
minutes later when like there's even the tiniest amount of space I went out and got some more food you know it's that
00:39:55
it's it's I me it's an addiction there's no other way of putting it it's like having a bottle of vodka then having another bottle of vodka then having
00:40:01
another bottle of vodka it's the same thing uh and the second you shine a light on it listen some people listening will will won't believe it exists that's by the way absolutely fine you know it's
00:40:13
listen we believe what we believe but I'm talking to the people for whom this Behavior might feel familiar or who've got friends or relatives to whom this
00:40:20
Behavior might feel familiar it's real you know it's a real thing uh and it's quite hard to get your way out of
00:40:25
because you have to eat right but there's ways through it and the first way through it is to shine the light on
00:40:30
it and just say oh no no no that's uh that's me and to and to and to try and take that shame away from it a bit when
00:40:36
did you realize that it was a in your own words a strange Behavior because I've got a friend who's been
00:40:43
through a similar well I've got two friends who been through very similar things um one of them's I mean they're the two close people and you know I know
00:40:50
they've both talked about it very publicly um one of which in a podcast one of which does talks she talks about
00:40:56
it all the time on her Instagram and I've the two closest people in my life went through that and for one of them
00:41:02
who again she's talked about this publicly um that resulted in bulimia um and a bunch of other very uh destructive
00:41:08
eating patterns how did you figure out that that it was different well I think you you can't you know you can you can fool everybody except yourself you know finally and just you know a lifetime you
00:41:20
know when I was a kid I would secretly eat and I would find ways to get food and to you know and my mom would go oh
00:41:26
where have all those crisp gone that's weird and you'd be like and you know then she started hiding the Christan
00:41:31
places cuz she thought they kept going missing just every day of every month of every year since then just just hunting
00:41:38
down and finding the food that I wanted uh and feeling ashamed about it afterwards so I I knew amongst the
00:41:46
success I was having and the friends I had and the lovely time I was having with people I knew I had this weird
00:41:51
secret thing that wasn't going away and that made me unhappy and certainly made me unhealthy uh and that probably at
00:41:59
some point I was going to have to do something about but it took it took a long time I'm shocked about how long it took before I finally went do you know
00:42:05
what this is I need to do something about it but is we often understand how normal our behavior is by comparison yeah did were people saying things to you
00:42:16
like like making little jokes and comments and stuff like that no not really I mean I could tell I was overweight but but like most addicts you
00:42:23
know you can it's amazing how secret you can be about things is the truth you know how you can buy
00:42:29
things in secret consume them in secret lock yourself away uh you know not be around people just so you can eat um you
00:42:36
know and plus of course don't forget you can then go out for a pizza with all your mates who were just having their one meal of the day and you've been
00:42:42
eating all day but you think it great I get to have a pizza as well so you know socially you can eat a lot as well and then go home and eat more and eat more
00:42:49
convenience foods and and and what have you um so yeah I always knew I always knew it was I always knew
00:42:56
something was wrong but again I think probably I'd added it to the list of things that were weird about me that I'm
00:43:03
tall and I can't see and I got this weird food thing so I just thought do you know what you're not really fit for this world is the truth you know and you
00:43:09
have all of these things that are up with you so I think I just put it in the list of things I wasn't probably I
00:43:14
wasn't built to live the life that other people were living and again of course these days you realize everyone is
00:43:20
everyone's not built everyone goes home and does something weird not everyone but you know what I mean so many people
00:43:26
have got their thing but I didn't know that in in those days I didn't know I just thought I was uniquely you know not
00:43:32
fit for these times being a kid born in the 1970s from a working-class background as you've said is you know
00:43:37
the idea of therapy that the notion of mental health is quite an alien one so that that day where you decide to make
00:43:43
the call to to a therapist what's what's going through your head on that day honestly I I was I
00:43:50
was I was really ready for it is the truth I wasn't even kind of I wasn't even I was I was praying that it was
00:43:56
going to work rather than thinking it wasn't going to work and from the second I walked in there's a guy called Bruce
00:44:02
and he's brilliant and he you know said talk me through the problem just you know and I said oh blah blah blah this
00:44:09
is the problem and I'm you know overing but you know maybe it's okay because you know blah you know so I was giving it
00:44:14
all this and I was saying but actually it's it's sort of fine because you know I'm I'm doing this and you know I'm uh I
00:44:19
I can I can control it uh and he let me talk for about 10 minutes and he just said um and how's that all working out
00:44:26
for you and you thought yeah well you're right it's working out terribly for me and from that moment he had me I just
00:44:31
okay let's go on this journey and like a personal trainer you just think okay I trust you you know absolutely you've
00:44:37
seen it all before uh you understand all of these things you can use my cleverness to your benefit uh and it's just been a I'm so immensely grateful
00:44:50
for everything that he's done and the wisdom he shown me uh and one of the things I try and do in the books and in
00:44:55
everywhere is is is try and pass that on because I was lucky enough to be able to afford this guy who's not you know not
00:45:01
insanely but it's difficult to to find a therapist uh and part of my job is any bit of wisdom he passes to me is I try and pass on because that's I feel like that's something that I can do and try
00:45:14
and give people the the thing that I've been given what are some of those ideas that he those kind of unlocking were
00:45:19
there because I'm thinking I assume there was like some bit of Eureka moments where someone says something you've kind of you detailed one there
00:45:25
where he says well how that how's that working out for you were there any like thoughts that he's given you that Bruce
00:45:31
has given you that you can that we can all apply to our lives that will help us understand ourselves better or free ourselves from whatever we've imprisoned
00:45:38
ourselves with yeah I think I think his key thing is is is this idea of Shame and the things that make us feel ashamed
00:45:45
uh because here's the thing if you start feeling ashamed you then start feeling ashamed of being ashamed in the same way anyone who ever had a panic attack would tell you if you stop panicking you then
00:45:57
Panic about panicking or if you start feeling anxious you're then anxious about your anxiety uh and that's the
00:46:04
absolute thing you have to stop that's the cut off so if you're feeling shame or you're feeling Panic or you're feeling anxiety let it be okay it's
00:46:12
there for a reason it's looked after you for many years okay and which is another thing you got to make peace with this way that you've tried to protect
00:46:17
yourself through shame or through Panic or anxiety right just let it be what it is and once you do that it burns itself
00:46:25
out and listen it'll come back tomorrow and it'll come back the next day but what it doesn't do is spiral and spiral
00:46:30
and spiral and lead you to self-medicate you know if you can just let shame be what it is if you're going to let panic
00:46:36
or anxiety or however you experience what it is however you experience the thing where you just realize that this
00:46:42
ain't right you know this is not who I want to be or how I want to be whatever that feeling is for you let it be what
00:46:48
it is for a while because it's not going away anytime soon you know if you want regime change right that's slow you know
00:46:54
that's that boots on the ground you know it's bit by bit so let it be what it is allow it shine a light on it and he'd
00:47:00
always say you know if you're in a moment of Shame and you can become conscious about
00:47:08
it in some way right so say I've just eaten some food and I'm feeling ashamed about it because I just sitting there
00:47:15
and just thinking that was so dumb why have I done this again uh have a conversation with yourself he said right
00:47:22
now that conversation that's you talking to you okay the both both of those bits
00:47:27
are perfectly valid now one bit is the one that's harmful to you that's you and the other bit is the bit that's trying
00:47:32
to save you that's you as well and the key thing is is just stop practicing the muscles on the one that's trying to save
00:47:37
you you know just give it a bit more Air Time Each time just give it a few more arguments each time the other one's never going away and it never will any
00:47:44
addict will tell you that's never going anywhere it's power and some days it's like so powerful you know but you have
00:47:49
to let the other side of the argument you've got to give it some strength you've got to send it to the gym you know and that's that's the thing it's
00:47:57
it's saying you're always going to have this all right because most people's addicted behaviors or whatever it is
00:48:03
come from childhood and come from a self that we built up almost always to protect ourselves from something okay
00:48:10
so you have to love it a bit you have to love this thing that you've set up to protect yourself but also you have to
00:48:16
talk to it and when you're talking to it you have to understand that there's two sides of yourself and you've got to
00:48:22
build up the one that's talking to it you just got to build it and build it and build it and give it strength uh and
00:48:28
it's hard to do and you'll find different ways of doing it and different people will find different ways but just remembering that the one that's saying
00:48:35
hold on maybe I shouldn't have a drink you know that that is equally valid as the one who's saying I should have a
00:48:41
drink the one who's saying you should have a drink he's got a point of course he's got a point you know it kind of works for you it nums things you know
00:48:47
listen you wouldn't do it if it hadn't worked you know and you like it uh so that's it's valid but this other one is
00:48:54
also valid and maybe maybe listen to it bit more often and just give it a bit more air time and then over the years
00:49:00
you might find that it's got more power than the other one is that what you found yeah I I have found it and listen
00:49:06
it's really really hard is the truth uh and I get it with with alcoholics and drug addicts you you can just cut off drinking booze and and and taking drugs it's incredibly difficult and I see the
00:49:16
struggles that people have with it and and again it's a lifelong thing and every day you think please today just let me drink today I would love to have
00:49:23
a drink you know you'll never meet an alcoholic who wouldn't just love to have a drink today um and with food you do have to eat so
00:49:29
you have to you have to put in a slightly more different set of rules but you know you just have to give yourself boundaries and know that you mustn't
00:49:34
cross those um those boundaries but yeah I think that honestly shining a light on
00:49:40
things is the thing talk to people about it talk to people you love you know you'll be shocked and I was shocked when
00:49:46
I opened up to people and the people closest to me I opened up and they went yeah of course of course I know of course I know that uh but once they know
00:49:54
about it they can help you know and that's very powerful and it's very very important and then you
00:50:01
know it's it's nice for me to be able to speak publicly about it because I do think probably there aren't enough male
00:50:06
role models saying that food can be difficult and food can be an issue um and so I'm happy to be one I'm sort of
00:50:12
not I'm embarrassed don't get me wrong it's embarrassing for me to talk about I absolutely put that on the record you
00:50:17
know I'd rather not be talking about it but the things that come from it are more powerful and the more I talk about
00:50:23
it the less power it has over me and hopefully the more I talk about it the the less parot might have over other
00:50:28
people one of the things I've learned from sitting here with with people from all walks of life that have been through a variety of different traumas is um I
00:50:35
used to think that we could cure this stuff like we could go to therapy we could read this thing read this quote
00:50:41
spin around tap our head and it's gone yeah and I've come to learn that that's it's never gone yeah I I now I almost
00:50:47
view it in my head as almost the scales and if you what you're trying to do is in fact make the allow the decision to
00:50:53
be made by the the better side yeah but the the trauma or the the beliefs that you've built as a child about the world and yourself and your relationships whatever is always going to be there and it can be triggered and infl like a
00:51:05
flame with oxygen I I think that's it and the key is not to panic when it when it rais his head again the key is never
00:51:11
to think oh I'm never going to be rid of it the key is to go oh I'm never going to be rid of it that's the thing as soon
00:51:17
the second you go oh it's always going to be there it's very freeing because you kind of go okay listen every now and again it's going to flare up but I don't
00:51:24
need to panic I don't need to go all this work I've done all this work I've done on myself all these books that I've read and it's still there it hasn't gone
00:51:31
away and the second you go it's staying right it's like a sofa you don't like in
00:51:36
your living room right it's not going anywhere okay you just have to learn to live with it you know sometimes you can look around you don't even notice the
00:51:41
sofa anymore and sometimes you go oh my God look at that sofa right it is staying and if if you it gives you a lot
00:51:48
of power to know that it's staying and and that when it's in charge which it will be sometimes uh that it's okay just
00:51:54
to go no listen just let it let it do its thing and the one thing that that addictive part of your personality wants you to do is panic you know that's the one thing it wants because that's where it thrives you know it thrives on the
00:52:06
chaos that's what it wants it wants you to be off balance so you have to sort of occasionally just go I get it you're in
00:52:12
charge for a few days or for a week or so or a month uh you do your thing I'm going to try and just live in good faith in the rest of my life and and and just sort of let you burn
00:52:23
out 20 years in the in the TV business roughly it 20 yeah so well 30 really if if I still count as being on TV business now which I sometimes I forget I am that's a long time to be in TV tell me
00:52:37
tell me about that phase of your career and really like what it um what I guess the question my the question I wanted to
00:52:42
ask you is how come you were so successful in TV I know no one ever likes blowing you smoke up their own ass
00:52:47
whatever but um you were very very very successful you you produced some unbelievable formats that you know go be
00:52:56
Beyond luck or CH you know so in hindsight why why are you well I love well it's a good question I mean I love and one I feel more comfortable talking about now I've sort of I've sort of
00:53:08
stepped off that that Carousel now I think that I loved television you know and I loved seeing what entertained people and I I got quite mainstream taste so I it was in my DNA I wasn't
00:53:21
having to leave University go to television and think right what do people like I never I've never ever ever
00:53:26
had to go into work and say what do people like right I sort of know that something I like enough people
00:53:33
will like that it's a TV show so I've always loved that I've always loved creativity I've always loved you know
00:53:39
sitting down with a pen and paper and knocking things into shape and I've always Lov Sport and the formats of sport and Knockouts and stuff like that
00:53:45
so in Jeopardy that's very very natural to me as well uh but then I also for reasons unknown to me I love sales I love selling you know I absolutely love going in and pitching
00:53:57
uh and the thing I love about it is working at what people want and why uh and how they're going to respond and how
00:54:03
to give them the thing that they want uh and so that combination of I would come up with things I was proud of uh and
00:54:09
then I would try and sell them and you know that's the thing that's the thing that that I love if I've had any success
00:54:15
it's been thinking of ideas that I would like to watch and then packaging them in
00:54:20
such a way that someone at Channel 4 or the BBC will give you 4 million quid for it which is a big ask you you know
00:54:26
selling a TV show is quite a big askk it's like being a car salesman you know you don't need to sell that many cars to
00:54:31
be successful you know and the TV is the same way you just got to make sure that you've got the best car out there uh and
00:54:38
so yeah I think I think a mix of the introversion of loving sitting down and working things out and working out formats and then the the extra version of being able to say to people I think
00:54:48
this is really going to work for your channel you know those two things together have always driven me I'm
00:54:54
creatively I'm incredibly ambitious I love to create new things uh and in business terms I'm also incredibly
00:54:59
ambitious which is I like to build value and I like to make money for people there's two thoughts there which in my
00:55:05
head almost sit in Conflict one of them is I I make things that I would love to watch and then figuring out what other
00:55:11
people want well I that's the thing is I've I've never really I've never bothered thinking about what what people
00:55:17
want and I think the second you do that that's a lie actually when so enderal which which which I ran with with with a
00:55:23
group of people for many years after big brother and various things there was a point probably sort of 2006 2007 where
00:55:30
we got so huge and so powerful that we could sort of sell anything if that makes sense or not that we could sell anything but people were so desperate to have product from us that they were buying substandard things so you know
00:55:42
there's a couple of times where I went in and we sold shows that actually I was thinking I don't know about this and
00:55:47
it's very rare that I would go into a pitch meeting thinking I don't know about this one but they would buy it in the room and then you got and then you
00:55:53
got to make it and guess what it's really hard to make cuz no one cares no one watches it because they can tell
00:55:58
it's not doesn't come from anyone's heart so you don't get a second series and TV business is all about second series and third series you make no
00:56:05
money from from from the first series so we I've definitely been in rooms where I pitched stuff that I didn't care about
00:56:11
uh but every time there's something you care you really care about uh and you can sell and then you will give it your
00:56:17
absolute best shot making it because I sort of I know how to make it cuz this this is the thing I want to watch it was
00:56:23
like books I I wrote books that I would like to read that I didn't see out there uh and with TV programs it just oh my
00:56:30
God you'd have an idea in the morning just go I would love to watch that I would love to watch that then you sit
00:56:35
down you Workshop it you work it out and then you go and Pitch it and you know that was my entire career I never really
00:56:41
got involved too much in the in the in in the in the real business side side of things and you know in exploitation and
00:56:47
rights and foreign sales and distribution and all of that I was just sat in a creative Hub really just coming
00:56:54
up with ideas just sort of feeding the end uh and I was able to do it because I would sort of be doing it anyway I would be I would sit at home and do that if I wasn't in that office I would be thinking this is the thing I would love
00:57:05
to see on TV and I was just lucky enough to be in an environment where uh I could have an idea on a Tuesday and we could
00:57:11
set it on a Thursday uh and it's comes from I loved it but the second the the second you second guess yourself or the public or go what would people like I don't I don't buy it I don't buy it when
00:57:23
people write books like that I don't buy it when people make TV programs like that and I was surrounded by people in
00:57:29
that industry early on not so much at endal where we were TV lovers but earlier on where I was it was full of
00:57:35
people who were just in it for the lifestyle and who didn't watch Telly there's people even now who don't watch Telly you just think come on do
00:57:40
something else what is creativity to you then so so you know you've described a few
00:57:46
things there but what at its Essence what is creativity and how does one can one go about being more creative or
00:57:51
becoming more creative yeah it's it's a it's a tricky one that because it's always a it's it's it's it's always just
00:57:57
been the way that my brain has worked I was I was talking to um husband of a friend of mine who's a who's a he's a
00:58:02
workingclass french guy who is a math genius this kid so he grew up in the Baner of Paris uh and at about 11 years old gets plucked out of the school system and taken to this like a call for
00:58:14
mathematicians he's because he's a genius and since has made a fortune in the city right do algorithms right
00:58:20
that's his thing trading algorithms right because it's the maths uh and so I was talking to him we were on holiday
00:58:26
recently and I said um so you just you come up with stuff that's new that other people haven't
00:58:32
spotted he's like he's yeah he does a French I went to his accent it's very almost comically French uh and he was
00:58:38
saying yeah yeah that's that's that's exactly what I do and I say how do you experience that I said because I know
00:58:43
how I experience it and I experience it there's five or six clouds of things going around the outside of my head at any given time something I've Just Seen
00:58:50
On TV something I just read in the newspaper something something somebody said to me something my mom said to me
00:58:55
uh something that's happened at home five different things and occasionally two of those things will bump into each other and you go whoa I never thought of
00:59:03
that before uh and so without saying that I said how do you experience creativity and he said well I just I got
00:59:09
all these Concepts sort of they sort of rush around the outside of my head and occasionally two of them will bump into each other or three of them will bump
00:59:15
into each other and suddenly I've got something new and that's how I've always experienced creativity now is that
00:59:21
useful to people I don't know other than to say keep your eyes open and your ears open all the time and be listening to
00:59:28
the world just see how the world is spinning see how it's working and sometimes that is if you're in TV it's
00:59:33
seeing how a particular television program works that's sort of a very direct bit of copying but almost always
00:59:39
it's then you're on the bus and someone says something to their kid or someone's late for school and they're running and you kind of go wait a minute that
00:59:47
reminds me of something so it's it's eyes open ears open all the time and just allow things to bump into each other I would say there's a point I there's another piece there which I've
00:59:58
just noticed from you saying this which is I love the analogy of the clouds so I was thinking okay so I need more clouds
01:00:04
in my life which is more points of inspiration and then the second thing is well there's loads of people have got loads of clouds but they don't have the
01:00:10
intent to connect the clouds which is like you have a uh you've designed a life where you have you actually have
01:00:16
commitments to make the to when the clouds bounce to turn it into something a lot of people's clouds are bouncing
01:00:22
and they're just going oh look the clouds just hit each other yeah I think that's probably I've never thought about I think that's incredibly wise two different things yeah firstly increase
01:00:28
the number of clouds which is increase the amount of people if you want to be creative by the way you don't have to be it's overrated uh but increase the
01:00:35
amount of clouds increase increase the data points that are coming into you you know the people you're seeing or you know just go and do something different
01:00:41
go and learn Japanese whatever it is something that gives you a different cloud and then yeah it's I guess yeah
01:00:48
professionally they they've had to be bumping into each other for for my whole life so it's it's completely natural to me but yeah if you can force yourself
01:00:54
sometimes to to to sort of think of the things that have gone around your head think of the things that happened to you
01:00:59
today think of the things you watch think about a film you just saw and why you liked it or a film you just saw and why you didn't like it you know think
01:01:05
about an argument you just had with your mom and what she said and why it's annoying uh and you know is the same
01:01:11
argument you keep having is there any way of fixing that in a different way so just keep those clouds going and then
01:01:16
you know occasionally let them just sort of intersect and that's yeah I think by and large that's where ideas come from
01:01:23
you know and it's you talk about it a lot on this podcast as well hard work is also a thing yeah you know actually
01:01:29
putting the hours in you know it's all very well to go oh I just had the idea on the bus and then I I came in but you
01:01:34
only have the idea on the bus cuz you spent four hours the previous day with a blank piece of paper in the office just thinking oh God I got nothing you know
01:01:41
because that's dislodging so many things in your head so you yeah you you have to you have to work on it and then
01:01:46
occasionally occasionally the gods give you a little gift I I I I've thought so much you know because I think um I think
01:01:54
we're all artists in some respect in our own way whether it's blogging or DJing or if it's writing or making TV I think
01:02:01
that and I also think expression is so it's almost therapy for us so I really I really I've got behind this idea of the
01:02:06
last year of like we all have our own form of Art and when we express ourselves it's good for our mind so the
01:02:12
the the advantage that I think me and youve both had is we've been in careers where that art has been monetized or
01:02:18
there's been a real reward for it so it come so there's an incentive to drive it out of us but there someone driving a lurer up and down this country walking
01:02:24
the dog this morning before they go and you know go go and work their job in a factory or or you know I see all of the
01:02:30
tags we get on a Monday when the episodes come out how do they go about creating that
01:02:35
incentive to to to when the clouds to connect to turn it into something or to even write it on a piece of paper you
01:02:41
know yeah you you're quite right we we both have very short routes to monetization yeah but I sense that's
01:02:46
important to both of us as well and so we we we've probably sort that out you know and found found a career where
01:02:52
where that where that happens and it's interesting you know if you're a lorry driver the greatest invention of the 20th century the thing that changed the
01:02:58
world more than any other invention is the Lorry driver who when he was sort of dropping off his load at the docks in Boston and you know he's got all the kind of stors taking everything out the back of his uh you know lry and then
01:03:10
putting it in another sort of uh big container to put on the ship just went what if the container on the back of my
01:03:17
Lorry was the same container that went on the ship you know uh and what if you take that off and you take the container from the ship and you put it back on my Lorry and then I drive it back down to
01:03:28
San Francisco what if you did that and invented the technology for you know the container crates as we see them now and
01:03:33
opened up all of World Trade right that's one Lorry driver just having one idea on one day you know and absolutely
01:03:41
changed the world so there's no Industries where you can't be creative because if you're a Lor driver you
01:03:47
really really know your business right and you know uh what causes delays you know when your work is harder you know the 5 minutes you knock off here there or the other you know when you turn up at a place the paperwork you have to go
01:03:59
through you know that three of those forms could be two forms you know you know that if people knew you were
01:04:05
arriving 10 minutes earlier you could leave half an hour earlier because you know break patterns could be changed you know all of that stuff and so work on
01:04:12
that if that's the industry you want to stay in and if you want to make TV programs or write books or write Social
01:04:18
Media stuff then just consume it a lot you know uh and I just think you can only be creative in an area you're interested in that's the truth you cannot be creative in an area not interested it just doesn't that's not
01:04:29
how creativity works because creativity has to sort of be buzzing around all the time and be and be curious so work out
01:04:36
what it is you're interested in and then surround yourself with it as much as you can it's hard if you if you're if the
01:04:42
area you're interested in is not your job because that's something you have to do in your own time but if it's
01:04:47
something you're serious about and you're curious about and you have the abilities then just yeah think about
01:04:55
except what you said which is intent which is surrounding yourself by by more things uh and then you know making those
01:05:02
connections the the intentionality I'm always trying to understand because it links back to what you've done with your
01:05:07
books which have been just the most insane Smash Hit I've ever encountered in this studio um with with TV formats
01:05:15
how intentional how much is that sort of int I don't even know if intentionalities is what intentionality
01:05:20
versus like um luck and chance and serendipity because you've seen this for your entire career yeah so how much can you predict the success of these things oh you can never predict funny enough D
01:05:32
noal which I just mentioned is the only show where after the pilot I thought this is a hit I thought there is no way
01:05:37
this show is not going to be a hit and it was a huge hit but it's the only time and there's been shows I've done before where I think oh this has got a good
01:05:43
chance and they've disappeared and shows where I thought I don't know about this and they've been huge you know you can't
01:05:49
tell at all and that's why it's important to trust yourself and do stuff that you love so the intentionality is
01:05:54
that if I put a lot of work into something and a book is that's the hardest I've ever worked on anything if I put a lot
01:06:00
of work on something I want the upside if it works to be you know I want there to be an upside if it works you know I want if I do this properly I want there to be no limit to what can happen with
01:06:12
it you know CU I like output for you know if I put in input I like output to come out uh and with TV it's sort of
01:06:19
easier because you as you say you can you can invent something on Tuesday instead on Thursday with a book you got to spend two years and so all the way
01:06:25
through I sort of thought if I do this well I think this has got a chance so my my my my sort of creative mainstream
01:06:31
brain was thinking that I wasn't thinking I need to make it more like this I need to make it more like that I 100% wrote the book I wanted to write
01:06:38
but as I was writing I was think you know if if you do this properly if this probably hits then people will really like it uh if no one had bought a single
01:06:46
copy or if I'd showed it to an agent and she just said this is not for us that would have been fine too by the way
01:06:51
because I'd written it and that's creativity in and of itself is is is a thing you you can paint a painting in
01:06:56
your attic and it's like the monaa because you did it uh but the fact that when it did come out people liked it was
01:07:04
uh yeah I'd say was a huge bonus I read a quote and it said um there's a reason why great um great books become
01:07:12
blockbuster movies but blockbuster movies never become great books and he says one of them is written by committee and one of them is written by a solo
01:07:18
author with their own ideas and Inspirations and I remember thinking that [ __ ] that's so true yeah that's interesting isn't it JK Rowling yourself
01:07:24
you know yeah Spielberg bought your book he has bought the book yeah well he bought the rights of the book I hope hope he's bought the actual book as well
01:07:30
um you never know uh no it's true and listen publishing is a very interesting industry having come out of Television I
01:07:37
know you had a big hit book and it's a very very no this is a big hit mine was mine was a pebble in the ocean but it's an interesting industry and if you bring any sales techniques into the world of
01:07:48
books it's I think it's a sight shock to their system and and and and and it's a very very you know I love it's such a
01:07:56
nice kind friendly industry but you know I come at it from a TV angle which is you know I'm TV you look at the
01:08:03
overnights and there's millions and you know that's what I've always judged things on and and and and in books it's
01:08:09
a slightly different market so I've loved being able to apply some of the things I know and some of the techniques
01:08:15
I know so the the book itself listen like with anything you have to be proud of it and I'm so proud of these books I
01:08:22
love them okay that that's the that's the absolute B point of all of this but once we've got that I've loved the
01:08:29
selling process which I think a lot of authors don't love I love it I love the marketing process I've got something I'm really proud of I want as many people as
01:08:36
possible to read it that's what I want I want as many people as possible to enjoy this book I want to entertain as many
01:08:41
people as possible uh and that's a process that I've loved and a process I think publishing is not quite set up for
01:08:49
is the truth and it's it's been fun sort of finding finding a way through that and when you wrote this book you didn't
01:08:55
you wrote it all before you had showed anybody from what I understand yeah the first book yeah the first one well
01:09:00
because only because I'm on telly and you know that thing of celebrity authors and you know it'll be easy to write a
01:09:05
chapter and say would you like to publish it and and of course they would you know because then again you don't have to sell a whole lot of books to
01:09:12
make make a profit in that industry so I thought I I thought I I think that they would just say yes and I wouldn't have any clue if it's any good so I I I wrote
01:09:20
the whole thing just to because I wanted to prove that it was a good book sent it to an agent who I trust very very much
01:09:25
comes from a very similar background to me uh and I said listen you got to look me in the whites in the eyes and tell me would you represent this book if I
01:09:32
wasn't on TV and she said listen I would 100% easy of her to say but she did uh and then before just as it was going out to um the Publishers in the UK we sold it immediately in Germany right and
01:09:44
Germany is a big Market Germany and they love crime fiction and from that moment I just thought oh okay I can now I sort
01:09:51
of believe I I liked the book but you know well sometimes I hated it and sometimes I liked it but but I thought I think it's got something but the second
01:09:57
Germany bought it and Germany have no idea who I am you know couldn't care less who I am uh and they bought the
01:10:02
book just on the strength of the manuscript and I thought from that moment do you know what everything now I'm just going to go full steam ahead
01:10:08
because someone who doesn't know I'm a celebrity has just bought this book and it's and it's been top 10 in Germany for
01:10:13
like two years it's it's like nonstop out there uh and they don't know who I am I'll go out there and do press and they're like they have no idea who they
01:10:20
just know the books uh and yeah so I was glad that I kept it secret secret cuz I
01:10:25
never had that worry of are people just publishing this cuz of who I am cuz I I I could see straight away from other
01:10:31
territories that people who had no idea who I am and for Spielberg again within I mean we' only literally only just sold
01:10:38
it so you know there' been no hoopla no announcements and he bought the rights immediately cuz he' read it and liked it
01:10:43
and he didn't know who I was so that from that moment I just thought I have the right now to really put my foot down
01:10:50
on the accelerator and and sell this because I because I because I believe in it you said something sometimes you
01:10:55
loved it sometimes you hated it talk to me about doubt and as it relates to your creative work of your career generally
01:11:01
well I think I think I mean anyone who's sitting at home and writing a book right now uh you know half the time you're
01:11:08
just thinking what is this this is absolute nonsense or you know this that wouldn't happen or you just think no
01:11:14
one's going to be interested in this story um and you know I still I thought it would book two and book three both
01:11:20
when they came out I just I know I think maybe you've lost it uh and then the reaction is is is sort of reassures you
01:11:27
uh each time and listen I'll lose it at some point um yeah it's it's it's impossible to to you know I'll read it I'll read back scenes the next day and you know something will make me cry or make me laugh or or there'll be a nice
01:11:39
line I think oh that that's that's something but you're you're so close to a book that if you were thinking it was
01:11:45
good something's up you know you have to think it's awful because you know it's like it's never
01:11:52
going to be the the beautiful shiny thing that's in your head you you know when when I'm I'm writing the fourth one at the moment in my head I know the I
01:11:58
know the story and it's so you would not believe how gleaming it is and how intricate and beautiful and like
01:12:04
perfectly crafted and toned it is uh and I know that the thing I handed in will I hand will not be that you know because
01:12:10
there'll be compromises and I'll make mistakes and there just be stuff that's wrong so I'll always be comparing it to
01:12:15
the thing that's in my head you know and everyone every writer in their head has the perfect novel it's all up there uh
01:12:21
and the thing you you you you give is is not that thing but but the key with the key with novels I think is if people are
01:12:30
engaged with your characters and love your characters and the nice thing is in this this but people the characters speak to people which is which is great
01:12:37
if people love your characters then the rest is just craft the rest is just getting the story down you know the rest
01:12:42
is is just sort of putting them on a journey because if people love your characters and they care what happens to them so you can make stuff happen then
01:12:49
and you know that the stuff that you make happen people will care about quick one I'm both extreme honored and excited
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01:13:51
back at the success of this book and we talked earlier about these clouds that you kind of pieced together what are the clouds that you connected in order to
01:13:58
produce this book yeah it's well a number a number of clouds a love of crime fiction that's and that just sort of vibe that idea that I sort of love a
01:14:09
puzzle and I think so just that's that kind of thing of that that's an itch that's kind of thing I would I would I
01:14:14
would like to do it then I had um an idea about a a a former civil servant putting off a massive bank heist uh there was a former civil servant who who
01:14:27
worked in a very boring job in the civil service but it was so boring that people assumed that uh he was a spy because no
01:14:34
one's job can be that boring so you work in whiteall I bet you're a spy and he wasn't he was just a logistics guy and so I had that idea and i' had it for
01:14:41
ages just this older guy who' got this plan that he wanted to to pull off and then my mom lives in a retirement
01:14:48
community Retirement Village down in Sussex and I was just down there and just looking around I think I said what
01:14:54
this would be an amazing amazing place for a murder you know like Agatha chrisy esque and suddenly those things have
01:15:01
look you want to write a book and you had that idea about that the civil servant or sort of spy who had this sort of big plan and then you thought oh
01:15:07
there's this there's this place and this group of people they they're all a bit older and this place would be perfect for murder and then in that Community
01:15:14
they have every there's all sorts of different clubs this French conversation Club on a Tuesday in a Wednesday art
01:15:19
history and literally the name Thursday Murder Club came into my head which is another cloud all the clouds come
01:15:25
together they go into your brain and you just think bum okay let's start tomorrow because when the clouds come together in
01:15:31
the right way when the things connect together in the right way you sort of it's it's interesting you sort of you
01:15:37
kind of press your foot down on it to see if it holds it's like it's like a sort of plank of wood has suddenly appeared underneath you or like a little
01:15:43
rope Bridge has appeared and you sort of tread on the first plank of wood you think oh that's quite solid that plank
01:15:49
of wood and then you step on the next one you think oh that's solid and you step on the next one and most ideas by the third or fourth plank you your foot
01:15:56
goes through you think oh yeah of course I can't do that because XY Z but sometimes and you'll have experienced
01:16:01
this sometimes you keep walking along the planks of wood and you're like I mean these are these are solded all the
01:16:07
way to the other side this feels I'm going to walk across this bridge you know I'm just going to I'm going to take the chance I'm going to walk across this
01:16:12
bridge and you know that that's that that's what happened really and that's that's how and that also is how I experience new ideas and creativity is
01:16:19
that that idea of you just try and put a bit of weight on them and it holds you put a bit more weight and it holds and
01:16:25
you know if it keeps holding then it's it's worth persevering with i' I've been through a really interesting um Journey
01:16:30
with some of my ideas where I've thought of an idea tested the planks all very solid I've got very close to doing it
01:16:37
and then my gut has just gone don't do it because of like you know and and then I've had obviously as I said many other ideas where I've had an idea to wake up the next day think oh God put that on the shelf and it's funny you know it's
01:16:49
funny how you can go on quite an emotional Journey a conviction Journey with an idea and at the very last minute you can go you know something's just not
01:16:55
right here but I tell you the other reason for that I think is because you because you have walked the walk and you
01:17:01
you've built businesses and you know you know what it takes you also sort of know if you press the green light on an idea
01:17:07
amen there's a huge amount of work ahead of you and responsibility and you sometimes you just think I am not
01:17:14
prepared to do that there's not enough upside in this for me creatively or whatever it is for me to do it uh and
01:17:19
that's the same I know for example that idea like a novel I knew two years before I wanted to write it but I just
01:17:24
didn't I knew I didn't have the I knew what it would take and with this social media idea I know at the moment it would
01:17:31
be all consuming and that's not where I am you nailed it that's exactly what what where it happens I get right to the
01:17:36
point of pressing the button and then I'm I'm staring the cost in its face the cost I've known so well this thought of
01:17:42
okay this is going to be five years and everything which and when I think of cost now I think okay that means my relationship with my partner is going to
01:17:48
get significantly worse my relationship with my friends is going to get worse all my businesses are going to see less of me and is that really worth it and
01:17:54
what is the upside there yeah but it's exactly that but again that's not something you worry about at 21 at 21
01:17:59
you just think yeah great Bring it on Bring it on and now you you you know you have the luxury of you know you and
01:18:05
that's the thing about having 10 ideas sooner or later one will come along you just think hold on I really like it it
01:18:10
feels monetizable it's not going to take up a massive amount of my time because of the way it's structured and you know
01:18:16
my my my relationship will will will survive and my friendship will survive and I've still got this thing that I'm going to love and you just you just have
01:18:22
to sit and wait for that idea to come along because you know you can't no one wants no one wants to be that guy is
01:18:27
working 24 hours a day their whole life because it's honestly the truth is it's not that hard to succeed if you're
01:18:34
willing to you know do everything and to work 24 hours you know it's not it's doable with an idea and hard work but that's not that's not how your life should be so the success of this book
01:18:46
you know there's there's there's a monetary element to it you're not you don't have an expensive taste so that's not really moved you much there's the
01:18:51
the kind of validation of your own create singular Creative Vision which has been validated sincerely how has it
01:18:57
impacted your happiness at all um I think do you know what I think it's I think it's a reflection of my happiness
01:19:03
rather rather than a sort of a source of my happiness I think it's a book that I have only been able to write from a
01:19:10
happy place and from a place where I feel comfortable with my demons and comfortable with myself and uh you know
01:19:16
I think it comes from that you know the characters uh the four main characters all of him are sort of like quadrants of my own brain uh I think you can tell that I love those characters and they
01:19:28
love each other and that's probably not something I could have written 10 15 years ago that comes from happiness or
01:19:33
it comes from it comes from self-acceptance you know it comes from I am there's bits of myself I'm very prepared to sort of put out there uh uh to entertain and to to you know uh so I
01:19:46
think I think it's I think it comes from happiness rather than being the source of it uh obviously it brings me an
01:19:51
enormous amount of joy and it's a load of fun and it's fun that hit in other count so you get to go abroad and you
01:19:56
know talk to them about it and you know uh that's fun but yeah and you know in this book the third one there's you know there there's lots of there's there's lots of love there and I'm getting married this year and so it's it's all
01:20:09
little things where you just think the books listen they're crime stories there's murders and you know there's you
01:20:15
know there's red herrings and there's Clues and all sort of stuff so that that sort of it's got the Agatha Christie thing but the spirit of the book is
01:20:23
hopefully a spirit that can that can only come from having you know having found some happiness with yourself what
01:20:29
what is happiness to you because it's such a it's such a small simple word to describe so much yeah and it's yeah it's
01:20:35
it's a it's a really tricky one I the key thing is is is to know that you can't be happy all the time you know it's not like a kind of you wake up
01:20:42
every morning with a huge smile on your face you know there's still going to be parking tickets you know and the drains are still going to be blocked you know
01:20:48
and there still you know there's just there's always going to be trouble I think it's a I think it's a am I am I
01:20:54
content with myself um am I when I sort of close the door and I'm with either my
01:21:01
partner or by myself do I feel contentment do I feel there's a nagging I think I've had years and most people do just there's nagging questions all the time it's just
01:21:12
something or something's not right or am I in the right place or uh and just that feeling that no hold on I think I think
01:21:18
I'm in the right place which I think you have when you're a really little child and I think probably we lose over the
01:21:24
years and I've been very very lucky um and yeah you have to fight to regain that which is I feel happy and safe and
01:21:31
secure and that I'm in the right place are there any questions still for oh goodness yeah of course there are I mean
01:21:37
my one you know I I want to I've always as I say because I don't see so well because I'm tall I've always been a
01:21:43
Observer of life I've always been an outsider right I've never really got my hands dirty is the truth uh and you know
01:21:48
I see I see the problems of the world and you know I I try and help financially and all that kind of stuff I I try and do good things you know I've never really got my hands dirty and I
01:21:59
think probably in the next decade I should get my hands dirty a little bit um you know just helping and you know
01:22:06
making people's lives a little bit easier uh that's the thing and that's the thing I've always been frightened of
01:22:11
uh well because because you know I never really took part in life quite so much as other people because of my height and
01:22:17
because of my eyesight because all of those things I always felt I needed to be on the sidelines and I needed to just
01:22:23
commentate and been very really happy doing that by the way I'm an introvert I love I love I love to do it but uh I do
01:22:30
think you have a responsibility to leave the world a better place than you found it listen there's not much point to us being here but if we got anything is to
01:22:36
do that it's to sort of say well look for whatever reason I was put on this Earth You know the one thing I can do is
01:22:43
try and leave it in a better State and so that that's I think my the question for the next 10 20 years that sort of
01:22:49
service what can I do how can I help what about any personal questions you have about yourself and your your um you
01:22:55
know you talked a lot about not feeling especially when you were younger not feeling like you were right for the
01:23:00
world or that you fit in the world do you have any of those personal questions left remaining no I I think you know I
01:23:06
do think that I'm probably not quite fit and right for the world but I think lots of us do I think that's the that's the
01:23:12
thing you know the world is a it's a weird place I mean it's weird that we're here right I mean it's odd right it's
01:23:19
peculiar it doesn't make it it makes no sense listen we can look for a higher purpose if we want and that's great even
01:23:24
with that it's weird right and it's weird that we have this civilization it's weird that we have this
01:23:30
Consciousness it's weird that we're millions and billions of people around the globe or you know in different countries all thinking Sly different
01:23:36
things with Sly different consciousnesses it's weird you know it's life makes no sense uh and so the key is
01:23:44
to stop trying to find the answer to to to what is life because that's not something you're ever going to find H
01:23:50
and and and I think the question is is is how can I you know how can I help either how can I help if you find yourself in a position of power or how can I ask for help if you find yourself
01:24:00
in a position where you don't have power and th those are two very difficult things to do these are questions that I
01:24:06
I think could only come from an introvert yeah I think that's I think I think that's probably I think I'm quite
01:24:11
an alpha introvert I'll say that uh but yeah listen I I I love going home and shutting the door that's my favorite thing family at home two kids yeah well
01:24:22
they're not at home anymore yeah early 20s yeah 24 and 22 wow yeah crazy right do do you ever worry that because of that that what happened with your father that your and you talked about your your
01:24:35
first marriage didn't work out do you ever have concerns or worries or like because I I often wonder when we've had
01:24:41
like somewhat dysfunctional homes how we then either continue the cycle or sometimes it seems that people go very
01:24:47
much the opposite way and really put measures in place to make sure they are the exact opposite the antithesis of the experience they had how have you found
01:24:53
yourself rea when you know you became a dad yourself yeah listen I I I obviously I I did the same thing my dad did so I I
01:25:00
carried on the circle but with the intention of breaking the psycle I that's the point I mean listen our intentions are are one thing what
01:25:06
actually happens this is something else and again I think I was on a fault line I think anything I'd chosen to do in my
01:25:12
20s would have collapsed you know um but you know I have a relationship with my kids that I didn't have with my father and they're I love them and they're hilarious and they're brilliant and I
01:25:23
love what they do for a living and that's all wonderful um yeah you can never you can you can be held prisoner by trying to fix the sins of your childhood is the
01:25:35
truth CU here's the truth you you're never going to fix them right they're not you're not going to fix them you
01:25:40
know you you need to build something for yourself uh and I think by sort of thinking no I want a family because I
01:25:47
wasn't able to fix mine you know so I'm going to make sure that this next Generation I fix it in the Next
01:25:53
Generation and of course it's doomed to failure you know you're you're not going to you're not going to create the thing
01:25:59
you wanted to create I think um so yeah you just have to uh you just have to you
01:26:05
know whatever happened to you and whatever you're trying to prove you s you sort of have to just you have to kind of do something for yourself not not to react against other people I think not in a search for justice or but
01:26:19
of course you search for justice and my my you know I was of course I search for justice and and yeah and I was search I
01:26:25
was searching to to to fix things and I you know I was not able to do either and neither would I ever be able to but but
01:26:32
in order to try and do it yeah I you know I I made my own mistakes you're getting married this year yeah December
01:26:38
December yeah it's exciting isn't it for me so for you you're not that F no it was nice to it was nice to read read that you're getting married this year um I've think been thinking a lot lately been talking to talk my best friends
01:26:49
about this idea of like one partner for life and I'm going back and forward I'll be honest with you yeah I'm here to be
01:26:55
honest I was on you know I got girlfriend she's upstairs but um I was on um I was on don't tell her this I was
01:27:01
on she might listen you she probably will but she um I'd say the same thing she's not listen honestly she can listen
01:27:06
to you all day I don't I think there's so many podcasts I don't know if she actually listen to them so because we record for so long I was on Google this
01:27:13
weekend looking at chimpanzees mating patterns because I'm trying to figure out I'm trying to come to my own this is great listen I hope she looks Google history wow chimpanzee mating PS this
01:27:26
guy loves me I'm trying to figure out if because they've got like 99% the same DNA as us if they stick around with the
01:27:33
same partner forever or if they make within groups yeah what's your take on this I know this is such an obscure
01:27:39
question to ask what's your take on whether we're meant to be with one person for the rest of our lives uh listen I'm I'm sure some people are not
01:27:45
meant to be with one person but it's very very hard to do that and not hurt people and so if you decide if you
01:27:52
genuinely decide I am not made for that right enough of this human beings aren't
01:27:58
monogamous right forget that because lots of us are right so forget it right if you're not made for it if you don't want to be monogamous right take responsibility for that and taking responsibility for that means not
01:28:09
hurting other people and it means not being in a relationship with someone who thinks that that is uh a prospect or a
01:28:16
possibility uh and an awful lot of people take that get out thing of I just don't think is it natural I don't think
01:28:23
it's natural and if you think it fine right don't impose it on everyone else don't impose it on the women you're with don't impose it on Partners you know let them be who
01:28:34
they want to be cuz it really suits a lot of people very very well I'm in this relationship now that I pray with all my
01:28:41
heart last forever I'm absolutely certain it will because we're made for each other completely made for each other uh and lots of other people at
01:28:48
home will tell you that as well and lots of people say they're in the wrong relationship but don't universalize it
01:28:54
don't say oh listen everyone should just chill out you know like we should we all have multiple partners it's just it's
01:29:00
the Natural Way listen I've been Googling chimpanzees listen it's cool uh you know that's all fine but it's you
01:29:07
right it's your responsibility and if you're not ready to do it okay you got to stop wasting people's time uh and
01:29:12
perhaps when you are ready to do it you'll be like okay this is I mean my heart was so was so ready and open when
01:29:19
I met Ingrid um my partner and her was as well you know we both had our misadventure
01:29:24
that's the truth you know we really have uh and but we absolutely were both ready
01:29:31
and you know perhaps you're not ready to be monogamous at certain ages you know perhaps you're not but you have got to
01:29:38
stop putting on other people and stop putting on chimpanzees and just say what am I what am I prepared to do and
01:29:44
perhaps there's compromise you know perhaps there is sacrifice perhaps you perhaps that's something that you know
01:29:51
you'll measure against other things in the in the you know and and and you'll feel that you don't want to sacrifice and don't want to compromise but don't
01:29:57
for a single second say that's human nature it's not as you making a definitive decision at a definitive time
01:30:03
in your life you know that's such a good advice and I think I needed to hear that but part of it is because and I've said
01:30:09
this in a the last two episodes or so as it's been front of mine for me is seeing of my close six best friends total
01:30:16
failure in relationships over and over again and me me being earlier in in that and going why why are 50% of these
01:30:23
things breaking i' gone to the shop and bought a TV and the guy said oh by the way there's a 50% chance that's not going to last probably would have bought
01:30:29
the TV yeah but at the same time you spend years coming out with creative ideas and you know 50% of them will fail
01:30:34
but you do them anyway true you know it's not a TV you know it's a it's a life and actually 50% that's not the worst bet in the world obvious what 50% chance of lifelong happiness I
01:30:47
mean you take that bit when but also you know yeah you know you know by and large
01:30:53
you know so the odds can swing in your favor and it's uh you know I always think the best dating thing anyone ever
01:30:58
said to me and it's true for politicians and all sorts of things they say literally the first date is when people tell you who they are and then
01:31:04
everything after that is backpedaling so on your first date with your partner you would have told her who you were and what you want from life and where you
01:31:09
want to be and ever since then you've been backpedaling or saying oh actually no actually now I think about it I want this but you know listen listen to what
01:31:16
someone told you on the first date you know that's who they are and that's what they want what other than the story
01:31:22
lines and um The Narrative and everything that's in this book what at the very fundamental level do do you
01:31:27
hope that this particular book the third the third installment is doing for the reader at a very fundamental yeah level
01:31:36
well you know my job is always entertainment you know that's my thing and um in this book honestly it's the
01:31:43
very Act of of of starting the next chapter that's that's that's what that's what I aim for you know you finish one
01:31:48
chapter you think I have I've got to read the next one I want people to start a long plane Journey oh god I've got
01:31:54
eight hours and at the end of it going oh my God that's great I got to read that whole book you know I want people at night to go just going to read one
01:32:00
more chapter I just want to read one more chapter uh and I want people at the end just to go you know what that was a
01:32:05
thumping good read you know that really really entertained me um I'm going to tell my friends about it that's the
01:32:12
thing you notice about I it's so true in your business but in books as well everything is after the first little
01:32:18
initial flush everything is Word of Mouth yeah everything you know and these it's like people telling people telling
01:32:24
people telling people and if You' got the right product then you know it spreads because people tell their friends but I want to all I want to do
01:32:32
is entertain people you know I'm I'm not I'm not going to be you know Shakespeare you know I want to give people a great
01:32:39
read that entertains them that makes them laugh that makes them cry I want them to try and work out who the murderer is uh you know that's what I
01:32:46
want their Li their lives to be minuscule improved by having read the book Richard as you know we have a closing tradition on this podcast where the last guest asks a question for the
01:32:58
next guest great and I only get to see it when we open the book so here we go what was the most valuable lesson you've learned in the last
01:33:15
year and why oh who's that question from can't tell you really that's part of the
01:33:20
mystery oh that's fine what's the most valuable lesson I learned in the last year gosh that's a good question um I
01:33:27
think that uh I'm talk about my my my my kids my my son was working at wager mama and hated it hated it he wasn't well treated
01:33:38
is my view uh really didn't enjoy it but he's a grafter uh and he's now working at a at
01:33:46
a computer games Museum which is like so far up his street is amazing uh and I think the lesson that I've learned is I should have said to him two months before he quit you should just quit this
01:33:58
is not do you know what this is not making you happy they're not looking after you this is not you you know and I know working hard is important but you
01:34:06
have got to quit and go and do something else it's the truth and I think if you're not being looked after and you're not enjoying yourself and you don't see
01:34:13
this as a path to riches you're allowed to just say I need to find a workplace where I'm respected which is what he's done now Richard thank you thank you for your time and thank you for um you know
01:34:25
you've done so many amazing things in your career especially on you know TV for the first sort of 20 20 30 years of your career but um writing a book that
01:34:33
has touched so many people in such a profound way that is in every corner of the world that you wrote yourself as you
01:34:39
said it takes Word of Mouth to make a book reach these Heights and that in and of itself is a testament of how amazing
01:34:46
profound resonant these books are on so many levels so it's an inspiration to me you know I was I got so because I'm
01:34:52
writing a book at the moment with pinguin understanding especially the creat the creative Journey how you write
01:34:58
where you write the discipline that it's also excruciatingly painful to you and you describe it as a marathon has
01:35:03
inspired me so much and there's something really really special I think in throughout this book but also just
01:35:09
the way that you create in trusting yourself yeah and really in building anything it's like what what you said
01:35:15
earlier about make something that you would love yeah sometimes in my life I've not done that and it's and it's
01:35:20
never gone well works right and that's really sort of made me orientate myself towards focusing on that that true
01:35:26
alignment in my creativity in what I'm building and in my work so thank you for that um I I think people are going to
01:35:32
absolutely love this book well I know that for a fact to be honest um and I hope to be back here with you someday and have continue this conversation
01:35:37
thank you Stephen my pleasure [Music] oh [Music]