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did you know there's a really fascinating experiment done on weight lifters they lifted no weights for two
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weeks they just sat there and they visualized themselves lifting weights they had a 13 increase in muscle mass
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people should realize how much potential they have in their brains Dr Tara SWAT she's a neuroscientist medical doctor executive advisor and best-selling author she's here to teach us on how to
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build mental resilience to overcome our biggest challenges is stress contagious so cortisol is the
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main stress hormone and it will leak out of our sweat about this far around us go into the skin of everybody else and it's
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going to impact them and as a survival mechanism it will help you to store fat around your abdomen so stress causes belly fat belly fat that's really hard to shift there's another
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Rabbit Hole you could go down about social contagion so there are statistics that show that you meet people who are
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at a similar psychological level to you for example if someone gets divorced you're more likely to get divorced in
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the next year growing brain can play tricks on you so what can I do about that the brain is actively growing and
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changing till we're about 25. but from 25 to 65. if you do things that are intense enough to force your brain to change you will actually improve the highest functions of the brain things
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like regulate your emotions better solve complex problems think flexibly override any unconscious biases that you may have
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it begs the question then where do I start [Music] Ed SWAT what are the sort of existing ideas
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that your work and what you speak about is confronting the like unhelpful existing preconceptions about the brain human potential that your work is
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confronting head on so the first thing I came up against because this was around the time of the financial crisis was the
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lack of understanding of the brain Body Connection so these high performing Executives were
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kind of acting like their body was just the vehicle that was moving their brain around from meeting
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to meeting and both disrespecting their physical health but also not understanding that what they're actually really being paid for was to use their brain and they weren't creating the best
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conditions for that brain to operate in and I'm talking about really basic things like sleep and a good diet and
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hydration and not being sedentary managing your stress Etc so you know this tiny organ if it's not in an environment that is
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giving it the best chance of doing its job it's not going to and a crack's going to appear somewhere
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um and the first time I really kind of had a big confrontation with a bank was when people were dropping dead on the trading floor of heart attacks and they
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asked me to work more in my capacity as a former medical doctor to help with physical stuff
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and I said I can't do that if we don't address the mental and emotional peace because that's what's causing this
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and they just could could not get that what did you want to do with those people in a specific and practical sense
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what if you could have you know been in charge of preventing them from dropping down on
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the trading floor where would you have started the understanding that stress so everything that you're experiencing
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mentally and emotionally that's challenging and things like a lot of travel which is challenging of your body
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that that raises levels of the hormone cortisol which comes from your adrenal glands
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and that cortisol courses around your blood through your entire body and brain and the brain has receptors for understanding what's going on in terms of threat to your survival
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so in a 24-hour cycle depending on your age and your gender there's a normal range for cortisol so it can go up and
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down like this you know something challenging happens we need to adapt and rise to meet that challenge but when
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that level is above the top range all the time these receptors in your brain basically think that there's an imminent threat to your survival so there's this whole Cascade of
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hormones and they're basically cortisol causes inflammation in the body so inflammation
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of your vascular system inflammation around your heart and everything else Gart and you know
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other things but particularly around that time we were seeing a lot of heart attacks caused by stress this was in the absence of high
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blood pressure high cholesterol smoking it was all stress I read a I read a study and I was
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watching a TED Talk that seemed to make the case that stress was somewhat subjective I.E it's an interpretation of events so one can be in a situation
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where they feel very stressed you can put a different person in that situation and they wouldn't experience it as stress also there is I think there's
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quite famous Ted Talk that makes the case that stress only has physiological consequences in the form of disease and
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inflammation and the heart attacks you're describing if we believe that stress is going to have that effect on us if we believe stress is bad it's bad yeah I get that is that true
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um so I would Define stress as when the load that you perceive on you physically mentally emotionally or spiritually is
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too much for you to bear so yes it is subjective um when I moved into business and
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Leadership people would use the terms good stress and bad stress and I found that really difficult having been a
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psychiatrist and seeing people actually break down to think that there's any such thing as
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good stress but what I have you know the way that I've adapted that over the last 10 or 15 years is that there's an
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Adaptive response which is a healthy response to a challenge and we have that for a reason we need that and that can
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be a good thing but that should be a spike it should go up and it should go back down again if it stays high all the
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time that's not good my second question now is about the contagion of stress once upon a time I Googled um because I had a thesis I Googled is
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stress contagious came up and it said it was contagious or is it contagious in what circumstances do we need to be aware of that contagion and more importantly how
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and why is it contagious okay I will tell you the answer to that but I'm going to ask you a question first
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have you ever walked into a room with someone and by the time you've left that meeting with them you just feel so
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drained okay so of course yeah yeah you know so you know the feeling so I'll tell you
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how it works physiologically um I'm going to start with something else to like build you up to this story
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so did you know that women who live together or work closely together will synchronize their menstrual periods within two or three months yeah I found this out many years ago and it has
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completely changed my perception on so many things so many things because I have to be honest I'm a very sort of logical I need like science and evidence and so I always thought about
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I don't know physical things like if I can't see it it doesn't exist yeah it's going to be my framework for thinking
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about life yeah and when I heard about that I checked it was true found out it was true and it broke the frame in which
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I think because if if there are if it's possible that invisible forces now between me and you are interacting with
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our bodies okay what else is possible I'm already using a certain form of eye contact with you to create emotional
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resonance oh what have you done we're going to get sidetracked you want to go back to the home eye contact are you
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using with me so basically we'll go back to the hormone thing yeah we'll park that it's
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it's related um so when a baby is born one of the ways that it learns what emotion the mum's experiencing how it understands its own emotions you know
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everything that grows over childhood and teenage into you know pro-social Behavior
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starts off mostly with eye contact with the mum so at first they can hardly see anything they can just kind of see two
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blobs and then they start to understand more about like micro facial expression changes and stuff but eye contact with
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the mom is hugely important so most people are right-handed so they'll be holding their baby in their
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left arm so they can still use their dominant hand to do stuff and that means that when you gaze at
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your baby your right eye is looking into their left eye and then that interaction that from the
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optic nerve is going around the brain it's impacting the um amygdala where emotions come from and it's creating this emotional resonance Loop that's part of how the mother and the baby Bond
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so that right eye to left eye eye contact has the most bonding eye contact that you can have with someone now you
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could say oh but my mom was left-handed or you could be left-handed but you know if I'm taking a chance on trying to
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build that bond with someone that's the statistically most likely one to create good resonance between you so you walked in here and you started looking in my left eye I waited till we sat down
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I gave you a hug you give me a hug you know so all of those little things they start to
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and you know we've laughed about a few things before we've come on air those are the sorts of things that create like
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um higher levels of the bonding hormone oxytocin so you're more likely to lower your guard trust the person take a
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healthy risk um so yeah I mean like I said I know that stuff so I live my life like that just want to get make sure I've got that clearly in my mind so I could repeat
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that to someone else later it's great for dating yeah of course it is I think we might go down
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that down that path a little bit but the reason that works is because there's a Association in our brains that if
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someone is looking into your left eye it kind of triggers something a bonding response that is quite innate in US yeah
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okay super interesting what else what else if I'm trying to bond with someone yeah so everybody listening to this right now whether they're in work they're in sales they they're looking for a partner whatever it's a nice
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little trick to look into someone's left eye I'm gonna only look into your left eye for the rest with your right eye
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how do I I'm just looking with both yeah you feel like that but once you start doing this I promise you you will
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notice a difference okay um what else what are the tricks to make to encourage bonding encourage bonding
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So Physical interaction so um you know depending on the appropriateness of it minimum handshake
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may be a hug maybe a kiss on the cheek you know depending on what um situation you're in I do this
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handshake where I we hugged so we didn't hand shake them I many many years ago I read an article that if when you shake
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someone's hand you put the other hand over the top of it it creates a sense of warmth and Trust so I've been doing that
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for 10 years now give them my left hand or my right hand and then the other hand goes over the top of it yeah
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and you see this in a lot of um kind of more ancient cultures that there is like more of a handshake than what we do
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which seems it's just one hand and it's quite brief and stuff so yeah the more of that kind of physical touch that you
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can get the best so you know everyone that I've met since I've come in this morning I've either shaken hands with
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them or hugged them and I would not not do that is there anything else in terms of
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encouraging the release of oxytocin that you're aware of what are the behaviors that increase that bonding
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chemical in our brains um eye contact and touch are the main ones laughing together is another one
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um and then not to do with another person but if you take a bath rather than a shower then
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you'll release more oxytocin massage helps well you're immersed in warm water so it feels like a hug so you'd theoretically get out of the
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bath and and Kinder and happier and more people would want to bond with you more well you'll be more in the mode of wondering doing that yeah so interesting what about vulnerability
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because I I heard shared struggle is one of the things that releases oxytocin yeah so um yeah going through something
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not necessarily traumatic but that's highly emotional that is very bonding as well so we see this a lot on the reality
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shows where people are like oh we're going to be friends for life you know if you do something like a skydiver a bungee jump in a group then you know you
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do feel more bonded to those people um but they're not as practical as the just the little things that you can do every day okay so let's go back to this hormone conversation we'll take that off the shelf so we're talking about stress
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and the contagion of stress so you started by setting the scene with the fact that women who interact with
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each other physically closely they synchronize their menstrual cycles and so whenever I want to explain something
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that's complex or I don't actually know the current Neuroscience I always take it back to what happened in ancient times so when we were living in the cave
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the men hunted and gathered and lived quite nomadically so sometimes they would go away for months at a time and
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actually if they went far enough away and were closer to another Cave of the same tribe they would actually just stay
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there and never return to the original Drive original cave but mostly they would leave for weeks or months and then
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return to the original cave and in those days the most fundamental important thing for the survival of the human species was that the alpha male must pass on his genes
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so if he was going to be away for months and he couldn't you know that there weren't men there to defend the women
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from predators maybe there was going to be a spell of the Ice Age and they would all freeze to death or
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they wouldn't have food um he needed to make sure that at least five women were impregnated with his sperm at the same time so that if there
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was a food shortage or there was like still birth or miscarriage or whatever at least one out of five would survive
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so to be able to do that they had to be fertile at the same time so that's why that mechanism exists
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now we don't need that mechanism now but it's still wired into the way that we operate so those sex steroid hormones like estrogen and progesterone
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they leak out of our sweat about this far around us and that's why if you're living with another woman or if you know
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you're sitting across the desk every day then particles of hormone from my sweat
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would go into the through the skin of the other woman if she's within what distance I mean it's
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not you wouldn't have to be sitting next to each other if you lived together then that means you're interacting enough that it would happen okay
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so particles not if you work together if you work together and you sit right next to each other every day then it does
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happen too so you know in a a small office that's got like six girls in it that the menstrual synchronization will
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happen interestingly it's led by the alpha female so yeah so you can you can work out if you don't know already who the alpha female well if you know basically let's say My
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Cycles don't change and everyone says oh I've got my period early or I haven't had my period yet but now it started then that would mean that probably I was
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the alpha female how does the body know who the alpha female is that will be to do with levels of
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testosterone why why did the body why does that matter who the alpha female is why does it matter that they sync up
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with her I I don't I don't know if it really matters I think it's just a case of physiology so it's a little bit like
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in the um troops of gorillas the stress levels of the silverback gorilla affect the other gorillas more than gorillas who appears to each other so there is we have a natural hierarchy
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and it must be related to survival as well so she was probably the person who the
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alpha male was going to impregnate first probably so everyone needs to kind of fall in line because when she starts
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having sex they need to be ready yeah okay and also it'll probably be to do with things like you know survival jeans
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so it'll be the people with the hardiest genes because that's what you'll want to pass on as well okay makes sense most
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resilient okay okay so where were we stressing contagion all the hormones in the
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menstrual cycle so basically cortisol is a hormone that works in that same way so cortisol is the main stress hormone and
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this one doesn't matter if you're male or female but it does matter where you are in the hierarchy of the organization as I just mentioned
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so usually in that conversation I mentioned to you where you go into a room and you
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just feel completely drained afterwards usually the person that comes out feeling drained is less senior than the
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person that's had that effect on them and that's why this is so crucial to leadership
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because your stress levels as a leader as a CEO are going to have more impact on everybody else than the rest of the people put together basically so
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managing your stress is obviously important for you but it's important in terms of what
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happens to other people and the first issue I came up against was CEOs and CFOs that said well
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I won't show them that I'm stressed I won't I won't tell them what's happening with the numbers I won't
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display emotions in front of them and I said they're still going to know physiologically it's going to impact
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them so now you really have to do something about it um and the other thing about cortisol which is quite funny well one of the side effects is quite
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funny is that as a survival mechanism it will help you to store fat around your abdomen so you know again in the cave if you were potentially going to like not find
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food for a month than if you had extra fat around your abdomen you could digest that and survive till you could find
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food so with my clients in financial services it got to a point where as soon as I
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walked into the room they just lift their t-shirt up and say now you know how I've been in the last month
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and then I had a really really funny incident when I was speaking at a bank and the CEOs PA was there in the audience and I was explaining that you know
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leadership stress leaks down that that stress can lead to abdominal fat that you can't shift and she shouted out so he's the reason that I'm fat
00:19:00
but Steve no one laughed really yeah and that's when I knew that okay he obviously is like really stressing everyone out oh gosh no one lost no
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through fear or something or just because they all just thought it was true it wasn't funny it was true Jesus
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so stress causes belly fat belly fat that's really hard to shift so again what I would see with people is
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that they would say oh I've put on a bit of weight around the middle you know how to do something about a bit so I've started eating less I've started like
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exercising more and I still can't shift it and again that's when I would explain this is the impact of cortisol as long
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as you're still leaking out extra cortisol nothing's going to change so and like I said even exercising more or eating better less or differently whatever it is
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wouldn't shift that fat you had to get to the root cause you had to reduce the cortisol
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it also made me think about when you consider promoting someone in your organization you have to be very careful
00:20:04
that if you put a particularly stressed cortisol leaking individual high in the organization there's going to be a significant impact for everyone below them yeah is that accurate is that an
00:20:15
accurate yeah yeah no that's a really good way of putting it I mean I always think of that phrase what got you here won't get you there which is more about
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the fact that people get promoted because they're good at what they do but they don't really get taught all the you know best management and Leadership
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skills but that's a really pertinent point if there are a person who is stressed particularly
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who suppresses stress um which some of these you know successful people do then it would have
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an impact down the organization it begs the question then so if someone's listening to this and they go do you know what I'm a leaky cortisol person
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I'm highly stressed and it's probably getting to people around me what can I do about that so first of all if someone's saying that half the battle is won the problem is when people are not
00:20:57
aware of that um but let's say you are so let's say that I give you that list of signs and
00:21:04
symptoms that you've got high levels of cortisol which include things like sleep disruption because cortisol is part of
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the 24-hour clock melatonin helps us to wake up cortisol helps melatonin helps us to fall asleep
00:21:15
cortisol helps us to wake up um maybe you've noticed the belly fat um because of the really strong connection between the brain and the gut any sort of reflux or indigestion
00:21:27
symptoms are often signs that you've got high levels of cortisol too and of course things like irritability and mood
00:21:32
changes what I mostly would hear people say is that I can just about keep it together when I'm at work but when I get
00:21:38
home if my kids are you know Annoying or my partner's asking for too much I just snap so that means you're like one step
00:21:45
away from snapping at work if somebody like pushes you too far so that's not good because cortisol is
00:21:52
pro-inflammatory it's very drying of the system as well so you might notice that your Skin's really dry or you've got
00:21:58
skin problems your skin isn't just the physical border of your body it's the psychological boundary of your body too
00:22:04
so often stress shows up in the skin then there are two main things that you can
00:22:11
do one is physical exercise because you can literally sweat cortisol out of your
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body so you can sweat Excel excess cortisol out of your body by doing aerobic exercise
00:22:23
um the other one is journaling so writing out what's on your mind rather than just let it be in there and keep
00:22:29
going round and round or if you've got a therapist or a trusted friend speaking it out loud so
00:22:34
it's all about getting cortisol and or the negative thoughts that are associated with your stress out of your brain body system I think this is fascinating I looked at
00:22:48
the back end of our YouTube channel and it says that since this channel started 69.9 percent of you that watch it
00:22:55
frequently haven't yet hit the Subscribe button so I have a favor to ask you if you've ever watched this Channel and
00:23:01
enjoyed the content if you're enjoying this episode right now please can I ask a small favor please hit the Subscribe button helps this channel more than I
00:23:07
can explain and I promise if you do that to return the favor we will make this show better and better and better and better and better that's the promise I'm willing to make you if you hit the Subscribe button do we have a deal
00:23:19
I've had a real Revelation in my life over the last um maybe six months about sleep again it's
00:23:27
why I said I think before we started recording that I don't have any meetings scheduled before 11AM and I sleep with
00:23:32
my eye mask on and I just wake up when I wake up yeah we do oh really yeah never really met anybody that has that
00:23:39
it is a privilege I have to acknowledge that that not everyone can do because of work circumstances whatever else but
00:23:45
um the importance of sleep you're a neuroscientist yeah um there's a lot of people who have
00:23:51
dysfunctional sleep we live in a world where I feel like it's increasingly difficult to have you know great sleep
00:23:58
um how important is that for the brain and also you know we're talking about stress there but for yeah containing our
00:24:05
stress levels it's so important I can't stop going on about it and I do understand that for
00:24:11
some people it's not a choice that they just don't sleep well or they have their sleep gets interrupted because they've got young kids or they do shift work so
00:24:19
I'm not particularly talking about the people where there's a reason that you can't sleep in this way I'm mostly directing it this out if you have a choice
00:24:30
this is the way that you need to sleep and this is why if you don't have a choice there are some things that you can do to mitigate it as well I mean
00:24:37
obviously I have done shift work as a junior doctor in the NHS and I travel a lot so I'm
00:24:43
like jet lagged half the time but I try to do everything I can to make that as good as possible and the
00:24:50
reason is we've always known that when you sleep you lay down your memories and new
00:24:56
learning you process your emotions the cells and the body regenerate themselves we've known that for a long time that's
00:25:02
never really been enough for these very driven CE level people to want to give up eight hours a night to sleep you know it's if they feel they can get by on four or
00:25:13
five then they'll rather do that because they've got so much to do the ideal is eight hours and 15 minutes
00:25:18
in population Norm studies so that doesn't mean it's for everyone but for most people that's the ideal actually
00:25:24
sleeping more than that can be depressogenic so it can start to lower your mood so you don't want to really be
00:25:29
sleeping for nine plus hours but you ideally need to be in bed for nine hours to get that amount of sleep
00:25:36
and so there was some award-winning research around 2012 to 2014 when we were beginning to
00:25:42
understand how important the cleaning of the brain is overnight so this entirely new system that we
00:25:48
didn't know existed which is called the glymphatic system it's like the lymphatic system in your body but it's
00:25:54
to do with glial cells so it was named the glymphatic system that system is a very active kind of Waterway Channel cleansing
00:26:06
system of the brain we used to think that the fluid around the brain and there's ventricles which are like lakes
00:26:12
and then there's just like trickling areas that that sort of passively dripped through the brain overnight
00:26:19
we did not expect to see like Jets of fluid flushing out toxins from the brain so
00:26:26
the exact things that we see in the pathology of dementing diseases like Alzheimer's and Parkinson's like Tau
00:26:32
proteins and amyloid plaques and neurofibrillary Tangles um how do you say that in English those things are being flushed out of
00:26:44
the brain very actively overnight and that process takes seven to eight hours to complete the cleaning that's why you
00:26:51
need to be in bed for eight to nine hours so it takes seven or eight hours to of restorative sleep or just being in bed
00:26:58
just sleep not in bed if you're in bed awake you're not asleep you know you have to
00:27:03
be asleep but you'll go through the different sleep cycles every 90 minutes this isn't in time with that this is
00:27:09
just taking seven or eight hours to flush this stuff out of your brain so one of the things I do say to people who don't sleep well is if you find yourself
00:27:16
awake at night and you're not lying on your side turn yourself onto your side because that's the best position for
00:27:21
this cleansing process I actually have a special pillow that makes me sleep on my side
00:27:27
because I wasn't naturally a side sleeper so it doesn't matter if the left or the right but that is a better
00:27:32
position in terms of the veins in your neck um than sleeping on your back or your
00:27:37
front so that's one thing you can do oh you woke up you know your sleep was Disturbed at least turn yourself onto your side
00:27:44
what is this special pillow I guess you just bragged about it then moved on I feel like it's a memory foam
00:27:50
pillow am I allowed to mention the brand of course yeah we'll make sure they sponsor it before
00:27:55
memory foam pillow this my one is by Temple UK um and they actually they gifted it to
00:28:01
me because I was talking about side seeing things yeah it's great okay I'm a side sleeper my girlfriend's a back
00:28:07
sleeper but I can't sleep on my back it's funny because I start on my front that lasts for 15 minutes because I get
00:28:13
bad back at the bottom of my back yeah I roll onto my side but I I've always wondered if there was um when you look
00:28:19
at tribes and our ancestors how they would sleep would they sleep in groups would they sleep alone would they sleep on their side their back
00:28:25
do you know the answers to any of that um I know that co-sleeping is definitely how we evolved from co-sleeping so in
00:28:31
groups and what was what I find interesting is that you needed to huddle together like that
00:28:38
for physical warmth in the cave but it also because of that proximity and and interaction you got more of the bonding hormone oxytocin so you also experienced the warmth of being part of
00:28:50
a tribe um and I think they stepped on their side because they would have to be ready
00:28:55
for an attack from a predator so you'd need to keep your dominant arm um ready to you know grab something and most likely they slept on their left
00:29:06
because they would have been protecting their most vital organs the heart um just thinking then about this bonding
00:29:12
chemical and how it comes out when we're in close proximity a lot of couples a lot of people me sometimes as well
00:29:19
sleep in the spare room because I have work commitments but that will mean that I'm up early or my
00:29:24
partner has work commitments I mean she's up early but even some of my friends who are in the early stages of
00:29:30
Parenthood have separated and have a sleep divorce situation when you talked about the bonding in the oxytocin being released when we're in close approximity and obviously at night time is when
00:29:42
we're literally touching each other is it conceivable that by separating rooms and by doing a sleep divorce we're
00:29:48
actually eroding our bonding I would never do it you would never sleep in a different room
00:29:55
from maybe if there was a young baby and one person had to go to work and one person didn't
00:30:00
that I get but that's temporary and ideally people would find ways to make up for that I mean I guess you're in a bit of a love Bubble with the oxytocin
00:30:11
from the baby at that time so that is quite neuroprotective but co-sleeping is it's it's fundamental to our survival it was physically when we
00:30:23
were in the cave but now I would say emotionally spiritually it's fundamental to our survival I mean what do you mean
00:30:30
by co-sleeping just a clarify sleeping together so mostly in you know in our society
00:30:36
that's as a couple but a lot of other cultures the whole family sleeps together why would you never do it you
00:30:42
seemed quite passionate about that because I it's so good for you the bonding the physical warmth the skin to skin contact the love the trust you know I mean I'll put
00:30:53
up if some if somebody's waking up early and I don't have to wake up at that time I'll even put up with that
00:31:00
so you'll have less quality sleep it won't be less quality see if I've worn HIV monitors and shown that even at the
00:31:07
time if my husband woke up at five and I wouldn't wake up any like at all before
00:31:13
eight and he gave me a kiss goodbye I got a spike of resilience at that time resilience yeah
00:31:19
how do you measure that so I was using that finished technology um where you wear the HRV monitor with a
00:31:26
gel pad on your chest um and so it's color-coded for whether you're doing light exercise heavy
00:31:33
exercise whether you're stressed or whether you're recouping resilience and mostly people recoup resilience
00:31:39
overnight but um you know you could clearly see with people with young children you could see
00:31:44
when they were woken up overnight because it would go in distress some people recoup resilience during the day
00:31:49
if you know let's say you're like with your partner or your sibling and you're just sitting together and it's super
00:31:55
relaxed or if you love your job you know that you can see that happening during the day as well but because I am so
00:32:03
obsessed with my sleep I wouldn't normally welcome any sleep disturbance but the power of sleeping together and cuddling all night
00:32:14
is so neuroprotective that I would encourage everybody to do it if they can I also know some people who say oh I sleep better if I sleep on my own um but we were not meant to survive on
00:32:29
our own we are meant to survive as part of a tribe and I think now you know since the pandemic
00:32:38
people are more lost and lonely and disconnected than ever if you've got somebody that you can actually sleep
00:32:43
with overnight I strongly suggest that you do it so I want to go in that direction
00:32:49
because I'm super compelled by that the change in the world and the loss the lonely the disconnected but just to
00:32:54
pause for a second on this word resilience you're using linked to heart rate variability you're talking about like a physiological resilience like a
00:33:02
the body being more resilient versus the kind of when we talk about resilience we we say in more of a psychological
00:33:08
context of like I can withstand greatest stressful pressure but you'll you use the heart rate variability monitor that measures the distance between Heartbeats
00:33:21
and saw that when your husband gave you a kiss your heart rate variability increased which means that your body was
00:33:27
more physiologically resilient it actually measures both because it Compares your heart rate variability to
00:33:34
your heart rate okay so it knows if you're exercising because your heart rate has gone up but if your heart rate
00:33:39
is at like base level then the so then then the very the change in variability can either mean that you're stressed or you're recouping resilience if your heart rate is high
00:33:50
then it's obviously physical um but it it's a it's a factor of both so it's not just looking at physical resilience it is looking when it's in this turquoise Zone
00:34:05
that is actually more about recouping psychological resilience but those two things you know they feed into each
00:34:11
other but it can tell the difference because of your heart rate so obviously I was asleep so my heart rate was low and you saw what on the monitoring I
00:34:18
literally saw us but because it does it by every 15 minutes as well and I saw the highest Spike of turquoise at that
00:34:23
exact time funny because my um girlfriend a couple about a month ago or two months ago I
00:34:30
left the house quite early in the morning maybe about the similar time 6 a.m in the morning when she was still in bed and I came up to her and gave her
00:34:38
like a big kiss I basically kissed all around if this is so softly I kissed all around her face and on her nose and just
00:34:43
gave her a big big hug and stuff and I walked away like got on the got in the taxi and left whatever
00:34:48
and she said to me the same day or the day after she went I don't know what happened there but it unlocks something
00:34:55
in me and you know then my girlfriend went on to say she'd um had some challenges with her menstrual cycle and
00:35:02
and she came on her period that's amazing he's always right like when she says things to me and she knows this but I give her a credit I'm always skeptical because we think differently
00:35:13
she's quite spiritual I'm very like I need some science and um she said that to me and I just thought a
00:35:20
kiss and a hug in the morning it hasn't couldn't have had any physiological impact on her but
00:35:25
um now I'm starting to question whether once again I was wrong that's amazing I mean you know some of these things can't necessarily immediately be explained by science but
00:35:38
if you use your intuition then you have to ask yourself and I feel like you are coming around to thinking that
00:35:44
could be true when I'm when I'm given a reason I accept things if you know if there's even
00:35:49
a Slither of science that could justify it then I I come around to ideas but I do need the science do you think that
00:35:55
men and women are different in terms of their intuition and their their ability to want you're smiling their ability to
00:36:01
kind of understand some of these forces that exist in the air because my girlfriend seems to be so attuned to feelings and intuition and and I'm less
00:36:12
so yeah so if let's let's put it like this if you had a hundred people in a room 50
00:36:18
men and 50 women and you ask them to line up in order of height not all the men would be taller than all
00:36:24
the women in the middle there'd be a bit of a mixture and it's like that with the brain and intuition and everything else so
00:36:31
yeah there are some there's some disparity so I think most people would agree that it feels like more women are in touch with their intuition than men but it's absolutely
00:36:41
not all women versus all men do you believe women are more in touch with their intuition
00:36:47
I think they're more open to accepting that it's a thing and I believe that the more men need the
00:36:54
science to explain how intuition works interesting I wonder if there was like a brain uh neurological reason for that
00:37:02
I think there'd be more women and men that believed in intuition and those like feelings that are hard to explain in this yeah you know that's changed a lot I mean I remember when I was teaching at MIT about seven years ago and I was
00:37:14
teaching the science of intuition someone actually stood at that you know it's all senior leaders in the classroom it's Executive Education
00:37:22
um someone stood up and said well I'm not going to make a really important decision like hire or Fire based on my
00:37:27
gut feeling am I and he was quite young and quite a few of the older guys turned
00:37:32
around and were like that's absolutely how I would make my decision and my most important decisions but at that time it
00:37:39
was still kind of like not everybody was really sure that that's like your superpower but I think people are
00:37:45
beginning to understand more that with age and experience and wisdom you do understand that intuition is actually
00:37:52
your strongest it should be your strongest decision making modality what is intuition so because you can't remember everything that you've experienced in your whole
00:38:03
life but you know somewhere in the neural architecture and and you know in the gut
00:38:09
neurons as well that information is stored because you have experienced it so maybe you would say that you
00:38:17
understand that wisdom and experience is the product of patterns that you've seen repeating in your life that are
00:38:23
conscious to you intuition is the lessons that you've picked up along the way that you're not conscious of but
00:38:29
they're still stored in your nervous system and so the less conscious you are of
00:38:36
them the deeper they're pushed into the nervous system so there's a process called hebian learning named after the
00:38:44
neuroscientist Donald Hebb and that is it's basically you know neurons that fire together wire together but it's that the things that you've learned today like things that you've learned by speaking with me that's going to be very
00:38:56
front of mind and kind of just in like little Pathways that are just kind of connecting up with each other but stuff
00:39:02
that you learn when you were five like when you put your hand in a fire and it burnt you and you never ever want to do
00:39:08
that again that's deep down you're not really conscious of that but you know and other things maybe that you don't
00:39:14
recall so we believe that your that wisdom gets pushed from the outer cortex into the limbic system which is the
00:39:26
emotional system of the brain into the brain stem into the spinal cord and into the gut neurons and that's why they
00:39:33
sometimes call it gut instinct because it's that feeling of knowing something but not knowing why you know it
00:39:39
um but it's actually to do with the fact that you have wisdom and experience that is
00:39:44
it's in it's it's embodied in you but you're not conscious of it necessarily it's quite surprising to hear that those memories that wisdom can be
00:39:55
in the gut people think of you know I think I'm certainly someone who always thought that my cognition my memories
00:40:02
and my all of the intelligence exists just in my brain your memories and your cognition and your IQ
00:40:12
are in your brain but your intuition is in your brain and your gut this sounds super stupid but I don't care I should just be I should just be honest about my stupidity where in my
00:40:25
gut I thought that was like my stomach that's where I put the food yeah so you know you've got your stomach you've got your small intestine you've got your large intestine yeah you have other organs your liver your spleen
00:40:37
your kidneys and they're all innovated which means they've all got nerves going into them so does your heart so you know
00:40:43
we could we could have a similar conversation like this about your heart as well because your heart only knows
00:40:49
how to be because of the nerves that that penetrate it so you know this round brain in here and
00:40:55
the spinal cord that goes down the center of your back that gives rise to all of the neurons that go out to your
00:41:01
arms your legs all of your organs your skin which is your largest organ and so that's that's how that works because every single part of your body has no
00:41:14
nerve cells or you know nerve Pathways in them so that's the connection that brings us back to what you know what I was saying about the brain Body Connection they're they're intimately
00:41:25
connected and it's a bi-directional thing it's they can't exist without each other
00:41:30
and the more you understand that there's that constant feedback going back and forth the more you can tap into that
00:41:37
kind of thing the more you can know days before you're going to get sick I bet your girlfriend knows days before she's going to get a cold or flu
00:41:43
yes she does yeah all the time and my clients never know and as soon as they go on
00:41:50
holiday they're sick the whole week why when they go on holiday because they suppress it to be able to
00:41:57
do their job and you can suppress illness or you can just not not acknowledge it it's it's
00:42:03
not necessarily that they had a cold virus that they suppressed but it's that their body is you know the immune system
00:42:08
is being run down by the cortisol and so as soon as it gets a break that's when it kind of succumbs
00:42:16
um and there was a time after the financial crisis when I had people saying I've had you know
00:42:22
I've had this cold for like four weeks now or six weeks but everybody's got it and I was like
00:42:28
I'm sorry but do you actually think that's normal do you think it's normal to have a cold for more than a week
00:42:34
and you know then it takes a challenge like that because also the other thing that happens in you know with group
00:42:41
think whether it's at work or in your Social Circle is that we don't challenge each other enough on those sort of
00:42:46
things so if a friend said oh I've had this code for six weeks I might say oh poor you but
00:42:53
if I I wouldn't but someone might but um you know it's also about saying is there
00:42:59
something else wrong because that's not that's not usual um and for me that would absolutely lead back to cortisol
00:43:06
a second ago we were going to go around the pathway of the looming crisis that you speak about
00:43:11
what is the looming crisis that you're concerned about Stephen I I saw this looming at the
00:43:18
beginning of the pandemic it's not looming anymore it is we are in crisis so you know all of the health anxiety
00:43:27
and the uncertainty and the fear and the loss that we experienced um during the pandemic was bad enough you know it caused a level of stress that no one who's alive
00:43:38
today has experienced before um but we've come out of it you know we're relatively I don't know if I could say back to normal or in The New Normal
00:43:51
and we have not paid any attention to the consequences of what happened to us and when I say us I mean everyone from the babies that were born at that time that never saw anyone but their
00:44:02
immediate family the teenagers that interestingly boys did better than girls because they play
00:44:08
video games on the internet so they stayed connected you know the older people that were isolated the people that like lost loved
00:44:15
ones Etc like there's so many things I could say more things than that we we haven't really acknowledged that that's
00:44:22
what happened and what we went through we most people are not really understanding what's changed for them or what's going on for them at the moment as a result of that and we certainly
00:44:35
haven't made any plan for the future um you know I'm really into like indigenous
00:44:41
wisdom at the moment and one of the things I've learned about the first Americans is that when they make a big decision for their Community they
00:44:49
imagine the impact of that decision Seven Generations into the future we don't even think about one generation
00:44:55
into the future we just think about like what's going on right now we we don't even really think about our own future like some of the time
00:45:06
I remember thinking like literally in March of 2020 this is going to be a mental health crisis like whatever
00:45:13
happens physically and as time went on more so I thought Mental Health crisis Mental Health
00:45:19
crisis and then I started to think okay what else could it be and I had time of course to indulge in some
00:45:32
of the other areas of interest that I couldn't when I was like traveling and working for lawn so I you know started reading more about spirituality in
00:45:38
ancient cultures and stuff and I thought this could be a spiritual Revolution when you say spiritual
00:45:44
Revolution it's a very big Broad term what do you mean if I look back and you've you know you've led a very nice story of of my my
00:45:57
journey since I changed career is that it started off with that physical piece you know for me where I was working
00:46:02
there was stress but people were having heart attacks then I spent many years working on
00:46:08
mental resilience with people um and emotional regulation was part of that and that became important again in the pandemic because we were in like Close Quarters with people and you know
00:46:19
and it was just very different and it was hard and it was homeschooling and working and everything
00:46:25
um what I've seen as some of the good things I've seen as a result of the pandemic is that we've definitely
00:46:30
appreciated again the importance of our time in nature um so I think most of us felt that that
00:46:37
you know being able to get out and be somewhere green was really important and because there was like no planes and no
00:46:44
traffic you know we could see the stars in the sky again we saw amazing sunsets we people began to appreciate bird song
00:46:50
and now the studies are showing that time spent in nature actually has a really positive impact on your physical health your mental health and your longevity so you know that's one good thing that's
00:47:02
come out of it but are we all still you know making time for that or are we just going back to kind of our old ways the
00:47:09
other thing things of interest that have come out is that having a purpose that transcends yourself
00:47:14
is really important to your mental health particularly but it will have knock-on effects so you know you could say well I do my podcast and I love doing my
00:47:27
podcast and I get to meet interesting people and I you know I share that knowledge with others
00:47:32
a lot of that is still to do with self-satisfaction so having something that doesn't necessarily do anything for you but gives you purpose in life is really
00:47:43
important and what could that be that could be that could be volunteering it could be
00:47:51
um you know for you know for me like I I give out a lot of free information on Instagram that and not for to try to get work or anything like that um it could be so you know when I say
00:48:04
volunteering that sounds quite big but it could be like asking your elderly neighbor if you can do their groceries
00:48:09
for them when you go to the supermarket um it could be calling up a friend and checking that they're okay just something that makes you feel like life is worth living
00:48:21
but it doesn't necessarily earn you money or directly improve your life I've spoken to a lot of therapists who talk
00:48:27
about the fact that we two of the things we never want to feel is like we're a different and B we're not enough
00:48:33
and I was thinking about that through the lens of our tribes in the context of a tribe if I was different there was a
00:48:39
risk of me being kicked off The Tribe and if I didn't feel like I was enough I I again would have a risk of being
00:48:45
kicked out of the tribe because I'm not valuable to the tribe and in the context of what you were saying about serving others is that again sort of like a
00:48:50
prehistoric desire to um feel like we're adding value and we are of use to the tribe by serving the greater good of the of our tribe is that
00:49:01
where that instinct comes from in us I love what you've done which is exactly what I said which is when I when I'm not sure of the answer I'll go back to
00:49:07
Evolution I always do that yeah yeah I love that I think I hadn't thought of it like that exactly
00:49:13
like that before but I think it's true you know a tribe sadly could not afford to carry dead weight
00:49:18
so if you weren't enough you know if you were injured if you were immobile if you were elderly
00:49:25
if you weren't contributing then you might get left behind and then there's this um really
00:49:31
interesting new area of research called neuro Aesthetics or neuro Arts which is about having some kind of creative
00:49:38
activity in your regular schedule so um there's there's lots of research that shows that if you're not doing something creative once a week and that could be dance music
00:49:50
painting drawing going to the theater reading a novel so really quite broad time and nature actually is included in
00:49:56
it then because nature is the palette that we all love you know you could have different taste in art or music to me but all humans love nature because we've always been in that that beauty so the
00:50:09
impact of that on your mental health and your physical health and your longevity is huge as well but even just like every
00:50:15
morning I actually thought of this this morning because I I wanted to mention this but I had zested a lemon last night
00:50:22
when I was cooking and so this morning when I went to get the milk out of the fridge I I smelt it because it was in
00:50:27
the fridge and I just thought that is so beautiful and so they say things like you know if you've put like a bunch of flowers on your bedside table and it smells nice and that's the first thing you smell in the morning and then you
00:50:39
like look at the beautiful flowers if you've got objects of Beauty in your house if you listen to Birdsong in the morning
00:50:45
that that's all newer Aesthetics it's living a life that is aesthetically pleasing to your
00:50:50
brain and that's good for your health why um should we go back to Evolutions please that's my favorite thing to do
00:51:02
I think it's to do with safety so if you were able to spare your mental resources to appreciate Beauty that must mean that you're safe that must mean that you're not just trying to
00:51:14
survive so it's actually I mean we do appreciate Beauty so seeing smelling you know hearing tasting nice things it's going to make us feel better but also
00:51:26
we're only going to be doing that if we have the luxury of being able to do that then it can be such small things
00:51:33
but also what it signals to your brain is I'm safe because I have time to read a novel or I have time to crank the music up and dance around my living room
00:51:45
through the frame of this idea that Pathways that fire together wire together I was also thinking about every time I've seen a tree I've been safe so is
00:51:56
there an association at trees of safety you know what I mean every time I've been out in nature yeah I've been physiologically psychologically safe so
00:52:03
is it now the case that because there's that neurological Association the pathways have widened fired together if
00:52:09
I you know you talk about the brain body response if I put myself in that situation again it will signal to my body that I'm safe yeah it will that's
00:52:16
neuroplasticity it's it's repeating that and giving yourself the message that every time I'm around trees I'm safe I
00:52:23
feel safe it won't be the same for everyone I would imagine that again when we lived in the cave that
00:52:30
we naturally did things like looked at the stars in the sky at night danced around the fire did cave paintings
00:52:38
um so that's very wired into our our psyche as well um you know they would Adorn themselves
00:52:43
a lot more than we do so that appreciation of Aesthetics has always been there and not just from nature from some of our rituals and ceremonies as well and really the
00:52:56
conclusion that I've come to with this whole spiritual crisis and and then the potential Revolution is that all the
00:53:04
things that we need to go through that Revolution have always been in the world as long as
00:53:10
we've existed and that to me is beautiful because it's not like we have to do some crazy new different things that we've never thought of before we can
00:53:23
the way that I put it is we know about generational trauma and intergenerational drama and epigenetics and how all these bad things can like come down the line but there's also a
00:53:35
lot of beauty and wisdom that's there that we can have access to it's it's we don't have to like reinvent the wheel at all we can just go back to doing the things that we did
00:53:47
when we were at peace it's interesting but it but that's not gonna that's not easy to do in the
00:53:54
worlds we live in because we've built a society in a world where yeah we live in these like white four white
00:54:00
walls in cities alone yeah we're more lonely than ever before we order our food using glass screens we use
00:54:06
pornography as a replacement for intimacy and connection these social networks instead of socializing internet connection has reduced real connection
00:54:19
how you'd have to like completely redesign Society it seems you can start with yourself
00:54:27
so I completely agree with what all those things that you've just said is how most people live
00:54:33
but I don't live like that how do you live doctor um I I actively tried to spend as much time in nature as I can and I have for like a lot of like plants and flowers in
00:54:47
and around my house I am very very careful about who's in my tribe so it's positive meaningful deep spiritual relationships
00:55:03
um I don't use pornography or dating apps I just go through your legs um yeah and I you know I try what do you think of pornography on the brain
00:55:21
I mean the two most basic drives in the brain are sex and food so the potential impact is is huge um
00:55:32
I agree with you that increasingly it has created a big disconnect between men and women in real life which is really
00:55:39
sad what is that disconnect um I have an ideal of what a woman would be or can be is very distorted by
00:55:52
pornography um I think if I put together you know what I hear from my friends about dating apps with that that the way that people feel they can treat
00:56:04
others has really really changed and I think this has accelerated since the pandemic as well
00:56:10
um so this real lack of empathy for the consequences of your actions and comments on other people and I think pornography contributes to that because it
00:56:21
changes the way that men view women um I think the impact on women in terms of what you have to look like like how much plastic surgery you have to have what you've got to be prepared to like do in
00:56:34
an intimate relationship or or actually the biggest issue I would have is what you're expected to do when you're not
00:56:40
even in an intimate relationship you know just when it becomes more of a transaction when the rules have changed
00:56:46
about you know again what I hear now very commonly is oh we've been on three or four or five dates or whatever it is that must mean you know move to the next level kind of thing so
00:56:58
I think that going back to having like really respectful relationships having a lot of empathy
00:57:05
for other people looking out for the people in your life that might be lonelier than you
00:57:11
um when I say you know I mean I absolutely do not have my phone in my bedroom but
00:57:17
when I say limit screen time that is a difficult one because we will use our screens for work and to communicate with
00:57:23
our friends but there are studies that show the amount of time you spend even communicating with friends online
00:57:30
versus face-to-face has all sorts of impacts in terms of like how like socially comfortable you are how empathic you are it can even have on
00:57:43
teenagers a really big impact on body dysmorphism so it's fine to actually spend quite a
00:57:50
lot of time online as long as you are also spending a lot of time with people face to face one of the things you said though was
00:57:56
about limiting who's in your tribe why is that important why is it important to not hang around with certain people and spend more time with other people from like a
00:58:08
neurological perspective in terms of our health and our outlooks and our outcomes and neuroplasticity so if we just like
00:58:14
link this back a little bit to the question that you Googled which is stress contagious
00:58:19
then there's another Rabbit Hole you could go down which would be about social Contagion
00:58:25
so there are statistics that show that in your social group if someone gets divorced you're more likely to get
00:58:31
divorced in the next year if someone in your social group is obese you're more likely to become obese now
00:58:38
I'm not absolutely not saying don't be friends with someone because they got divorced or they put on weight but I'm
00:58:43
talking more about the attitudinal stuff so the you know how you treat other people how kind you are how generous you are how open you are to conversations about
00:58:57
Intuition or spirituality basically you meet people who are at a similar psychological level to you
00:59:03
and so we're always working on ourselves hopefully and you want to be with people
00:59:10
if you are then you want to be with people who are growing too who are open to challenge who are learning who
00:59:16
are interested in exploring spirituality um who care about their mental health and other people's mental health so it's really about you know having this this circle
00:59:26
of trust and knowing that you've got support but equally that if you do something that's
00:59:33
really not okay that somebody's going to tell you you mentioned the word earlier neuroplasticity
00:59:40
what is it why did it matter and I think from looking at your work previously you had a bit of an epiphany
00:59:47
on this subject matter in your career or you realize that you know are you probably like most most people don't
00:59:52
even think it's a thing they don't think it's they think that once you grow up you're set in your ways but it sounds like
00:59:59
there was an epiphany at some point in your career where you realize the importance and the possibilities that neuroplasticity presented well we have
01:00:05
to start by saying that when I was at medical school and doing my PhD in Neuroscience we did not know about
01:00:10
neuroplasticity so we absolutely thought that when you physically stopped growing
01:00:16
that everything in your brain was set for the rest of your life that you couldn't change your intelligence you
01:00:21
couldn't learn to manage your emotions differently um that it would be much harder to learn
01:00:26
new things what we know now is that the brain is actively growing and changing till we're
01:00:32
about 25. and I missed it no you didn't you didn't miss it I know I looked 24 but you didn't miss it so from 25 to 65 and I
01:00:44
would say even Beyond now if you don't do anything to change your brain it will tend to Plateau so you
01:00:51
know if you're in a job where you do the same thing every day and you're pretty good at it you could stay like that for the rest of
01:00:56
your life and that is fine for some people if you do things to that are intense enough to force your brain to change then you can basically you know learn lots of new
01:01:08
things but also get what we call Global benefits in your brain so let's say you decided to learn a new language
01:01:15
maybe you'd learned Portuguese or French have you spoken to her have you spoken so
01:01:23
that just felt very it feels like you know when someone says something to you and it feels like they've already had a
01:01:28
conversation behind your back because it's so on the money no I actually have a deal with her this year that I'd learn
01:01:33
Portuguese by the end of the year and win September now and I know six words so that just felt a
01:01:39
little bit close to home so um let's move on so so that's great so you have actually a reason to learn one or two
01:01:46
languages if you do that your brain will not only get the benefits of being able to speak French or Portuguese but you will actually improve your executive functions now
01:01:57
these are the highest functions of the brain things like um being able to regulate your emotions
01:02:04
better solve complex problems think flexibly think creatively override any conscious or unconscious biases that you may have these are great benefits to get from actually just doing something like
01:02:15
learning a language or a musical instrument um and it can be smaller things like
01:02:21
travel interacting with people who've had a different life to you cooking something new taking a different route
01:02:27
to work reading a newspaper or a magazine that's very different to what you normally read doing a podcast well
01:02:34
you do this every day yeah exactly yeah so it's not inducing neuroflasticity in your brain although you're learning
01:02:39
different people yeah you're meeting different people you're learning new things but it's probably not what we would call
01:02:45
attention intense enough to actually be shifting Pathways in your brain wow having all these conversations isn't like expanding my it is in terms of your
01:02:57
like the facts that you're learning yeah but your actual process of you know finding a person doing a bit of research into them meeting them having a conversation with them being good at
01:03:08
asking them certain questions that's a very natural pathway for you so you know you're getting better and
01:03:15
better at it but that's not a new big change in your brain so what okay right so I think when people hear about neuroplasticity when I first heard about that it was even a
01:03:27
thing it was a revelation that we could do things to change our brains what is what is it that people typically want
01:03:33
from neuroplasticity they want to be someone else in other ways they want new habits they want new ways of thinking they want to stop being a negative
01:03:40
thinker or an overthinker in certain situations if I wanted to to stop being an overthinker or a negative thinker or
01:03:47
if I wanted to um you know there's certain habits we all have and that I have in my life that I'm
01:03:54
like I just feel like it's me now yeah like procrastination procrastination shows up sometimes I'm just saying things no I don't I don't procrastinate too
01:04:06
much because I don't really have a choice these days I procrastinate on some things I think we all do things that I find yeah yeah we all do
01:04:12
um no I'm really glad you've taken this into the intangible because obviously I use the analogy of language as a great
01:04:18
one to help people understand that you you learn something new it builds up that pathway in your brain it shifts
01:04:23
your brain around it has other benefits but what people are really looking for is changing habits and behaviors that
01:04:29
are not serving them in life yeah so whether it's lack of motivation yeah like a motivation overthinker negative
01:04:36
thinker lose you lose your temper um uh you know sort of feel very stuck people pleasing you know like so many things mood reactions yeah yeah so the
01:04:53
process for that which is underpinned by neuroplasticity like the physiology of what happens in the brain is raised
01:04:59
awareness so let's say that you've you know you've had a relationship break up again for the similar reasons and you
01:05:06
know whatever happened before so then you get to a point you're like okay last time I just kind of didn't really
01:05:13
deal with that and just moved on to the next relationship now I'm beginning to see there's a pattern I think I need to do something different Step One is spot
01:05:19
the pattern and step one is 50 of the battle so you know once you know okay this is a
01:05:27
thing that I think or I believe or I do that comes out with a result that I don't want that is half the battle so
01:05:33
once you've done that you don't try to change anything straight away the next stage is called
01:05:38
focused attention so you look around in your life at work in your personal life in like you know
01:05:45
Sports if you play sports um with different types of people and through your past where are the times
01:05:52
I've done that what what what triggers me into doing that or what pushes me into doing that let me give you an
01:05:57
example so we can work through this uh these steps with an example got a friend in my life that repeatedly
01:06:05
dates people who are married or in a relationship oh and it ends how you'd expect it to end
01:06:11
in her heartbreak yeah but it's this spiral she's on yeah so step one would be becoming aware of this pattern you're dating people that are in this for some reason you're
01:06:21
so in this case that is obvious if you're if you're getting into relationships with people who are
01:06:27
already attached you know you're aware of that what I would want to dig into with her is what it is that she believes about
01:06:34
herself that makes her think that that's okay and I'm imagining already that there
01:06:40
must be a a level of self-worth that is has struggled you know and maybe there's something in her childhood that's caused that but you'd only do that if you didn't believe
01:06:52
that you deserved someone of your own so that's the kind of conversation I would have with someone like that I
01:06:58
would I would probably ask her like you know what what goes through your mind when you decide to do that again and she
01:07:04
would say something that she's conscious of thinking I would want to dig below that and ask what it is that she
01:07:09
believes about herself that makes her think that so that's quite an important part of the raised awareness is getting
01:07:15
below the thought into the belief next step is or certainly if if she's got a history of this is you know maybe in journaling acknowledging writing down okay this time that I went out with
01:07:26
someone that was you know kind of engaged in a relationship with someone else or this time I had an affair with a
01:07:32
married man what happened like that decision-making process the point from which you agreed to get into that what
01:07:40
was the consequence so really that's the focused attention marrying together that decision with the
01:07:46
consequence you know one of the things I say is you are basically the sum of every decision that you've made in your life that's who you are
01:07:53
so once there's a bit more understanding and attention around like what causes that and how it happens the next stage is deliberate practice so the first challenge is going to be the next time
01:08:04
she meets a man who's not available and she may not yet be able to say no to that she may have to make another mistake but she'll make it armed with all the knowledge that she's got now
01:08:17
and she'll see it for what it is or she will be able to say no to that man this time so the next step is deliberate practice which is where you say okay I used to
01:08:27
behave like this uh this is the new me that I want to be as somebody who says no to every man that's married who
01:08:35
um you know replaces every negative thought with a positive thought or whatever it is that you're working on you then look for scenarios to practice
01:08:42
this new behavior and at first it would be hard because you have a pathway there that may have been set since childhood
01:08:48
that is used to doing a certain thing and the brain is a very energy-hungry organ so it's it's always trying to use
01:08:54
the path of least resistance let's say I'm an overthinker okay and you're asking me these questions and I've got
01:09:00
this voice in the back of my head saying why is Stephen asking me that what's he trying to get to is he trying to trick me what I would what I would try to do
01:09:06
is silence that voice in my head and say okay in this podcast with Stephen I'm going to focus on him I'm going to take his questions for what they are and I'm going to speak from my area of expertise
01:09:17
I'm not going to worry about that other stuff that you know can go on in my head and
01:09:23
let's say this time I managed to do that 50 of the time and then I go and do another podcast next week and I manage
01:09:30
to do it 75 of the time you know and so on eventually this new pathway that I've
01:09:35
been building will become stronger than the one that I had before and then every
01:09:40
time I turn up for a podcast I'll just be completely present and attentive and I'll get to the end of it and that's the
01:09:47
new me now so behaviors that we repeat so let's start starting at the beginning of those
01:09:53
three steps the first step is becoming aware of the pattern in our lives the second step is
01:09:59
becoming really cognizant of the pain or the consequences of that pattern and the third step is kind of like setting an intention for who we want to become and the goals we have and
01:10:11
then practicing it as much as possible and that is the three steps to the fourth it's not a step but the fourth factor is accountability because most people left to their own devices will
01:10:23
give up on that process when it feels too hard a step three yeah um so you know with years of practice and
01:10:34
journaling I have become better at holding myself accountable but for most people there's got to be
01:10:41
some external so it could be a friend um one of the reasons I'm a big fan of doing these action boards is that
01:10:47
there's a very tangible thing in front of you that with images of what you said you wanted to achieve this year which
01:10:52
you can clearly and your friends and family can see at the end of the year whether you did or you didn't
01:10:57
um and you know of course you can have an actual like professional person that is there like your language teacher to
01:11:04
hold you accountable to we're gonna have to edit this out because you really are pushing this
01:11:10
you've got an agenda here I I've been really you talked earlier about just a second ago about how when you're trying to create a new pathway if there's an existing one that
01:11:21
is very well established from your childhood it's increasingly harder so I've always been unorganized I lived I grew up in a home that was looked like an atomic bomb had hit it yeah it was
01:11:33
just a show inside it was an absolute mess so that habit of just being messy is quite well established
01:11:40
the pathway in my brain of being messy is well established yeah but more broadly I'm thinking here about trauma and how trauma looks in the brain when
01:11:47
we've had really traumatic early experiences in our life or in the context of my friend we might have learned that we're not deserving of
01:11:54
someone or we we're not worthy or we you know we're not enough or we're different that might be a really well established
01:11:59
pathway does doesn't that suggest that there are some Behavior patterns that are just practically immovable practically unchangeable
01:12:11
I don't want to say yes to that but what I am going to say is we've moved away from using this term hardwired which
01:12:17
kind of means like it's there forever and we talk about soft wiring now because of neuroplasticity
01:12:23
I know people who have been through incredible amounts of trauma there's going to be an example coming up on my
01:12:28
podcast soon who has done so much work on herself that she's really in a beautiful place
01:12:35
as a psychologist and a Vedic astrologer helping other people learn to deal with that drama
01:12:40
so there's a lot that can happen she was clearly a very resilient person and got
01:12:46
herself educated some people deal with the consequences of trauma for the rest of their life and
01:12:52
you know it runs their life and it's it's sad um you may not be able to deal with every single thing that you've experienced or the full extent of what you've experienced but I do believe that
01:13:04
there's a lot that everybody can do earlier you talked about generational trauma
01:13:10
um and epigenetics as you said what are both of those things the first time I heard about generational trauma I
01:13:17
thought it was like woo-woo uh fluffy hopeful like wishful think like a nice way to blame your ancestors for the way that you are so when I first heard about this concept
01:13:31
that you you could be passed down Trauma from your parents or your grandparents it just seemed like it can possibly be
01:13:37
true yeah I know I mean it's relatively new area of research so I'm actually going to separate this into
01:13:43
a few things so generational trauma um and you can look this up is related to specific times of Acts that were
01:13:56
um placed onto particular marginalized groups so like first Americans slavery um there's in in Asia there are some particular groups that were
01:14:09
um treated in a certain way and that is so the impact of generational trauma is when something happened to one generation there's a psychological spillover and it
01:14:21
can be something to do with you always feel isolated or you always feel lonely or you always feel at the margin or you
01:14:28
always feel left out that's because a whole generation retreated in a certain way and that has an impact
01:14:34
intergenerational epigenetic trauma is about how some external event actually changes the expression of your genes so we have a genotype and a phenotype
01:14:48
genotype is your DNA it doesn't change but the phenotype is which bits get switched on and Switched Off
01:14:55
the most famous examples of this are the Holocaust and the Dutch famine but there are other examples and we are sufficient
01:15:03
Generations away from that now to have seen like three plus Generations changes in the stress responses and so and it's not always bad so
01:15:14
sometimes people are more resilient because their grandparents or great grandparents went through something terrible sometimes people are more
01:15:20
anxious and it's hard to know necessarily why things might go one way or another
01:15:25
I always say to people that you aren't born with the genes that your parents had when they were born you're born with the expression of the genes that your parents had around the time of
01:15:36
conception and then of course your mother's stress levels through through the trimesters of
01:15:42
pregnancy and this isn't meant to blame anyone for what happened in the past or how stressed they feel when they're pregnant it's meant to raise awareness of the fact that if you have something in your family's history or you did have
01:15:54
a particular stress particularly stressful pregnancy you can use neuroplasticity to improve the chances
01:16:02
of your baby expressing genes that will be more helpful for them in life than if
01:16:07
you didn't know about all of this stuff so if you had a particularly stressful pregnancy let's say you're a woman who
01:16:13
was really under stress when you were um eight months pregnant how does that impact the baby and what what symptoms do you like to likely to see in that baby that it wouldn't have
01:16:26
had otherwise okay so I'm going to give you a really like tangible answer before I take it
01:16:31
back to the um something we were talking about before imagine the mother's a heroin addict
01:16:37
that is affecting the baby right yeah yeah and that's because they share the same blood supply yeah
01:16:42
so if the mother is stressed and she's got high levels of cortisol then that cortisol is going through the placenta
01:16:48
into the baby's blood supply and basically being stressed from In Utero could switch on genes for not being resilient to stress or being more
01:17:02
um liable to anxiety or mood disorder and it's already starting off you know inflammation and this like tiny baby that hasn't even been born yet I know that sounds terrible and I really don't
01:17:12
want this to come across like all mums have to be completely Zen and never get stressed because that's just not reality
01:17:18
but you know everything that you can do of course to manage your stress during pregnancy is helpful but then completely
01:17:25
understanding that if your child then starts to show any like symptoms of anxiety or you know inability to manage
01:17:32
their emotions after an age where they should be kind of able to do that you can introduce them to meditation you can
01:17:37
sit with them and talk to them about their emotions and how they're feeling there are lots of really like great books and videos that you can use to
01:17:44
like educate children about that kind of thing um I always say knowledge is power and
01:17:52
unfortunately difficult things can happen to people in life but every time something like that's happened to me I've gone down a rabbit hole of okay what can I find that can
01:18:03
help me to overcome this and and be better just thinking about as you're talking about grief and the Brain
01:18:10
the relationship between you know what happens in the brain when we're experiencing grief and stuff think about
01:18:15
grief and Heartbreakers strong emotions so many of us including one of my best friends is reason is recently grieving a
01:18:22
relationship he's lost and I've got another friend that's lost someone in their life he's passed away and it's
01:18:27
such an all-consuming force that seems to be resistant to advice I just wondered if through your work you'd learn anything about grief in the brain and heartbreaking the brain yeah so I think there's so many uh versions of
01:18:40
grief that we've seen particularly in the last few years which has loss of sense of self
01:18:45
loss of someone through a relationship breakdown and loss of someone through actual death
01:18:51
um and it's interesting to hear you say as a you know caring onlooker that it's something that's so overwhelming and resistant to advice I strongly believe
01:19:03
that to ever heal from grief you have to go to the bottom of the hole and however you do that is not something that anyone else can comment on I think if you are doing
01:19:16
things like throwing yourself back into work or like partying too much to avoid it that's not right but if somebody has
01:19:23
to go somewhere emotionally to deal with grief they've got to be supported and allowed
01:19:28
to do that and and then maybe at times gently nudged in terms of like how are you doing you know is it kind of are you feeling any sort of like healing or resolution
01:19:41
or understanding or acceptance I do think particularly with grief that if we haven't been through something ourselves
01:19:47
it's it's really hard to imagine how bad it is even though you might you know care very deeply
01:19:53
what makes you think that what makes you think that you have to go to the bottom of the hole because I think we are very avoidant
01:20:00
emotionally I think that's part of the you know greater issue that I was talking about which is being lost and
01:20:06
disconnected and I remember when my first marriage broke up and I was changing career thinking if I hadn't
01:20:14
been a psychiatrist and know the things that I know I can see how you could end up on a psychiatric ward going through you know the breakup breakdown of a
01:20:20
marriage um so all I'm trying to say I'm not trying to say you have to feel terrible what I'm trying to say is you have to
01:20:27
process all the emotions and you kind of have to surrender to it a bit because if
01:20:32
you try to gloss over that it will come back and bite you later and I've seen many stories of that
01:20:39
happening where people you know did really great things like write a book about it or you know shower
01:20:44
all of their care and love and attention onto other people and then eventually found that they hadn't actually dealt with their own
01:20:50
emotions so when I say go to the the bottom of it I don't necessarily mean feel really
01:20:57
terrible I mean process all of the emotions fully because then you can actually heal and at some stage move
01:21:03
forward it doesn't mean you forget you know the person or what happened but if you try to gloss over it I think this it's it's dangerous because it's such a
01:21:14
deep it's such a deep emotion it's such a facing of your own mortality quick one I discovered a product which
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you talk about the mechanisms of neuroplasticity what are the mechanisms of neuroplasticity and the three factors that have the biggest impact on changes in the brain so the first one is
01:23:47
myelination and anyone who does a lot of sport who repeats a certain um you know weight training will
01:23:53
understand that that's what's happening in their muscles you know when I said you know you come here pretty much every day and you sit
01:23:59
with someone and you interview them and you're really great at asking questions that's like something you're super good
01:24:04
at that because you repeat it it becomes like a superpower and that means that what's happening there is myelination so myelin is a fatty substance that coats
01:24:14
some neural Pathways and those Pathways become fast pathways now there's a reason from Evolution why we have some fast Pathways and some slow Pathways and the reason is that if you
01:24:27
put your hand in the fire your reflex to snatch your hand out is a fast pathway but your pain reflex is a slow pathway
01:24:33
because if you're incapacitated by pain the minute you put your hand in the fire you wouldn't be able to get away from it
01:24:39
one of the mechanisms of neuroplasticity is becoming even better at something that you're really good at and that's
01:24:45
happened through myelination the most common one which is something that you're quite good at but if you had
01:24:51
loads of time you could become really good at it but you maybe don't have loads of time it happens through
01:24:57
synaptic connections so that's the one that can feel like quite hard work but if you put in the effort then you
01:25:04
can change your brain so that means that neurons that already exist in the brain connect up with each other and start to
01:25:10
form new pathways and the third mechanism which doesn't happen a lot in the adult
01:25:15
brain but it does happen around the hippocampus because we do lay down new memories in life happens a lot in children's Brains it's
01:25:22
called neurogenesis and that is a little embryonic nerve cells that float around
01:25:27
in the brain actually becoming fully formed nerve cells neurons and connecting up through synaptic
01:25:33
connection and maybe getting myelinated and there's a factor a growth factor that's involved in that the embryonic cell becoming an adult cell which is called bdnf or brain derived
01:25:45
neurotrophic factor and trophic means growth so neurotrophic is growth of neurons
01:25:51
and the things that contribute mostly to that are aerobic exercise and eating dark-skinned Foods
01:25:59
yeah skinned Foods yeah so let me discover the exercise one first because this is one of my fun facts which is that if you are regularly doing aerobic exercise
01:26:11
the turnover of those cells in your brain is about 13 14 percent to like the the amount in the speed in
01:26:17
which they like die die off no the speed in which they go from embryonic to full grown yeah okay so because we want
01:26:25
neurogenesis to happen okay okay if you haven't been doing exercise for a while and then you start
01:26:31
the rate of cell turnover is like 30 so it increases after a period of inactivity with new aerobic exercise so that's my excuse for like being a couch potato half the time and then starting
01:26:43
up again [Music] who are you kidding okay so it will accelerate the speed in which you're you're making those connections yeah making the embryonic
01:26:55
cells grow into new cells and then connect up with existing ones so I want to make sure I'm super clear
01:27:01
on this so if I'm trying to develop if I'm trying to speak a different language by doing exercise that has an impact on
01:27:09
you learn and retain memories yeah so in in simple language if I'm doing aerobic exercise my ability to accelerate my neuroplasticity
01:27:21
will increase yeah what if it's like not aerobic exercise what if I'm just lifting big weights um there are benefits to your brain of other types of
01:27:31
exercise but weight training doesn't relate to neurogenesis as much okay this isn't so much about language but it's another example of Mind Over Matter
01:27:43
so this was an experiment done on two groups of weight lifters I thought you might like this one um that's a big compliment thank you so much you think I'm a weight lifter I
01:27:54
think I identify as a weightlifter though you looked at me and thought weightlifter thank you so much
01:28:00
this was finger and elbow weights though so maybe not So Glamorous and the six rounds so one group
01:28:06
lifted finger or elbow weights I think this was a two-week study and they showed I think it was about a 40 increase in in muscle mass of the targeted muscle group for those weights
01:28:20
they're counterparts only imagined lifting weights for two weeks they lifted no weights for two weeks they just sat there and they visualized themselves lifting weights
01:28:31
and they had a 13 increase in muscle mass interesting so we can tell our brain to grow muscle
01:28:43
doing that no but I could be doing that instead I've been going to the gym be much easier if I could just watch the
01:28:49
football and tell myself that I'm lifting weights well I don't think you can watch the football I think the whole
01:28:54
like visualization and you know intention and attention stuff was an important part of it I mean that's that speaks to the the power of our thoughts
01:29:00
again doesn't it really if if our thoughts can tell our brain to grow muscles has that been is that it's in the book
01:29:12
widely accepted is the truth I'm surprised there's not like personal trainers that just sit you down in an
01:29:17
empty room and just go right well think about the number of athletes that use visualization as part of their training
01:29:24
of course they do the exercise and the practice and everything but they that's hugely used in sports
01:29:32
it's obviously not a case that I would just then go home and start imagining working out but it does it does again remind me of the importance of just
01:29:38
thinking about um positive things that are in line with my goals yeah I mean what's the harm in
01:29:46
imagining yourself more muscular or more youthful alongside eating the dark foods
01:29:51
and getting enough sleep you know it's like it's part of the package do you want to know what you should eat so that
01:29:56
you can please what is this dark-skinned Foods so basically you know at the basic level we want people to have a healthy
01:30:03
balanced diet mostly plant-based but where you can choose a darker version of a food the um pigment and the skin of that food has higher levels of antioxidants called
01:30:15
anthocyanins and they also contribute to neurogenesis so it's basically like eating black beans instead of white beans or eating blueberries instead of strawberries dark chocolate instead of
01:30:26
milk chocolate purple sprouting broccoli instead of green broccoli um and good quality coffee counts as
01:30:34
well yeah so you know I try to vary what I eat but also always choose the darker option if I can okay so is there anything else that one needs to know about the process of
01:30:48
neuroplasticity so from what I've ascertained so far it's about stop understanding
01:30:53
um the patterns we have in our brain understanding the consequences of them repetition is key to establishing new
01:30:58
Pathways um is there anything else that I need to be really aware of because I do want to grow my brain and change my brain yeah
01:31:05
so the accountability piece which is but also creating the conditions in your body for your brain to be able to do all of that stuff and so you know this is a bit of repetition but sleeping roughly
01:31:17
eight hours a night having regular sleep and wake times seems to have an additional benefit we don't know why so
01:31:23
within an hour so go to sleep between 10 and 11 wake up whenever um not being sedentary so being
01:31:30
Physically Active doesn't necessarily mean you have to pound it at the gym to be honest in terms of neuroplasticity
01:31:35
you don't want to do too much high intensity exercise because it spikes your cortisol levels so it's better to
01:31:41
do kind of quite gentle exercise eating 30 different plant products a week and varying the color as much as possible you know managing your stress the whether it's through meditation or just
01:31:54
like removing the causes of stress if you're doing and being hydrated if you are doing all of those things and
01:32:00
you want to play at level two of the game you could start doing time restricted eating
01:32:06
so only eating between ioni between 12 noon and 8 PM but you could do 8 AM to 8 PM so that kind of
01:32:13
fasting is very beneficial for your brain as well but only if you've got the foundations right it's not going to help you if you don't what does it do for the
01:32:20
brain fasting intermittent fasting um well it helps to regulate your blood sugar levels
01:32:26
so you know spiking blood sugar levels aren't good for your body or your brain and fasting and calorie restriction they do have like brain Health and Longevity benefits but
01:32:40
that you know only if your foundations are right you know somebody who's stressed or
01:32:47
eats badly or doesn't sleep enough will not benefit from time restricted eating or intermittent fasting
01:32:53
um because it is a form of stress on your body but it's a form of stress that your body can take
01:32:59
and used to build resilience if the Baseline level of stuff is good and for neuroplasticity to happen we need to be taking on big cognitive challenges challenges that
01:33:10
kind of break existing Pathways yeah so I want to learn to DJ I've been learning
01:33:15
for about 12 months now um that feels like a big cognitive challenge for me yeah that's great
01:33:23
um that's the type of thing that would establish a new pathway in my brain absolutely someone's just looking to
01:33:28
build their self-esteem and their confidence what does the brain tell us about the process of doing that is it is
01:33:34
it does it go back again to what we said about awareness about understanding the feelings and the consequences and about
01:33:40
setting goals and repetition and accountability it will get to that but there's actually
01:33:45
a little bit of a jump start to that which is really helpful particularly in terms of confidence and self-esteem
01:33:51
which is that usually there's a particular recurring negative thought that's associated with feelings of lack of confidence um so if you can identify what that is
01:34:04
and create a positive affirmation that's like the opposite of it or something that counteracts it then that can be a great way to get started my phrase would
01:34:15
have been it has to be perfect and it's not going to be perfect I wouldn't have been able to say this last year but now I would I would
01:34:21
probably be able to say it is going to be better than perfect it is going to be amazing like I know it
01:34:27
um but to get myself there I could have said it doesn't have to be perfect but it's going to be great or I could have said
01:34:33
maybe it will be perfect sometimes a question I ask myself is what's the best possible outcome that could happen here
01:34:39
so it's changing your language in your mind about the things that you think so that's basically
01:34:46
metacognition which is that you can you you can understand your own thinking and
01:34:51
then reversing that narrative quite strongly even if it doesn't feel like it's totally true and just repeating that so
01:34:58
much that you start to wear down that other pathway does language really matter the language we say to ourselves
01:35:04
yeah yeah it really matters yeah how we speak about ourselves how do we know that matters I mean it's neuroplasticity
01:35:11
if you're repeating something in your mind or out loud then if that's being repeated more than
01:35:19
another statement it's the one that your brain's going to believe so we can trick our brains effectively
01:35:27
by saying something else to ourselves repeatedly because there's this whole movement in you know the personal development Community which says you
01:35:33
just kind of look in the mirror and you say to yourself like I'm beautiful I'm attractive everyone's gonna love me I'm
01:35:38
going to be rich and I thought I've found it hard to get on board with that train yeah
01:35:44
that one because I know I'm bullshitting myself in my like subconscious or whatever I
01:35:49
just know if I said those things I'm not saying about myself but yeah yeah saying this very very far away things I just
01:35:54
think my brain is smart enough to know that I'm bullshitting myself yeah I think there's an element of reality to it so so there's a few things there
01:36:00
which is those particular things that you said are very shallow they are not really the things that
01:36:06
people should you know need to be saying to themselves um what I find and I picked this up from a podcast with Lewis is he said that sometimes he would
01:36:17
just say to himself I'm safe I'm safe I'm okay and actually just sometimes saying to myself I'm safe is that's what
01:36:24
I need to hear not I'm beautiful and I'm amazing that that does feel like a it's kind of thing that everybody probably wants to say B it's not addressing the underlying issue
01:36:35
yeah it's not addressing and I'm going to be rich I mean that's the worst one because you actually have to do stuff to
01:36:41
make that happen you know you can't just say that so I think finding the stuff that you need to say to yourself that is
01:36:47
not to do with social expectation or parental expectation or you know social group
01:36:53
um what everybody else is doing like what you really want to know for yourself that's going to set you up to
01:36:59
be able to go out into the real world and do the stuff that you need to do to get the other things that you want
01:37:05
there you said you can't just say it you have to go out and do it now when people hear this term manifestation
01:37:12
it's highly associated with just kind of saying stuff or thinking stuff and it's less associated with actually going out
01:37:18
and doing it so yeah a lot of people just turn off when someone talks about manifestation because it sounds kind of
01:37:24
woo-woo put it on the vision board and it will happen and in fact I think I've said this a few times but I had um I
01:37:30
wouldn't say it was an argument but a disagreement which resulted in the person I was speaking to literally getting out of a taxi in the middle of
01:37:36
New York City and walking off I was on a date many years ago and the girl was saying to me that she goes you can just manifest anything in your life so you
01:37:42
can just think about it and then it will happen so I was like you think you could just like think about becoming a millionaire and then it will happen and
01:37:48
she goes yeah and I go and you wouldn't even have to like do all the stuff and she was like no you could just like think about it and the
01:37:54
universe will Attract it into your life do you believe in manifestation and if so what form of manifestation and
01:38:01
how is that supported with neuroscience so I believe in manifestation based on your brain so your thoughts your beliefs your actions so where I've called my
01:38:16
book The Source I have said your brain is the source of you being able to attract everything that you want into
01:38:22
your life so I sat down one summer and I like researched the laws of attraction and
01:38:28
and just looked at whether I could explain them through cognitive science which is Psychology and Neuroscience and
01:38:34
I could so I was kind of like oh I'm on to something here and the first stage for me was
01:38:40
understanding that it is absolutely to do with the way that you think but then it's not magically like attracting
01:38:45
something in the atmosphere it's to do with the changes that you make based on your thought process
01:38:51
I do but I do believe in vision boards but I call them action boards because I see them as a representation of what I
01:38:57
want but I still have to go out there and make those things happen I think it's also much more empowering
01:39:03
to believe that it's your brain that's making that stuff happen and not some external
01:39:08
force that you're not really sure what it is so how would I manifest something into my life say I want to manifest a
01:39:15
great relationship I'm in a great relationship but say I was single and I wanted to manifest the perfect partner
01:39:21
how would I manifest the perfect partner into my life using the brain as the source yeah so with that one I I think the preferred method is to create a list
01:39:33
of the attributes that you want in that person but you then have to make sure that you
01:39:40
are everything that is on that list oh so if I want a blonde I've got dye my hair no I'm joking I'm joking um okay I get what you mean so you're
01:39:52
talking about fundamental qualities and values yeah and then making sure that you represent those qualities and values
01:39:57
that's I've never heard anyone say that but that is so important because I know so many people who would write a list that they couldn't meet themselves in terms of fundamental values they'd probably want their partner to be
01:40:08
disciplined to care about their health to be honest and if they ask themselves are those are
01:40:15
they those things they'd probably fail at that to be fair my partner is so much better than me in so many ways nearly
01:40:21
everywhere um I'd probably fail at that list too why is that important I think that you you hear a lot of people saying this is what I really want in someone but you never really hear
01:40:33
people saying I've really worked on myself and this is what I believe I have to offer and so psychologically
01:40:40
you you meet people at the level of psychological Evolution that you're at but equally on the sort of flip side of
01:40:47
the coin you meet people at the level of psychological wound that you have so to
01:40:52
be in a balanced relationship with someone that's really great if you've got to be bringing something
01:40:59
to the party I mean no one's going to go out with you if they're really amazing and you're a drag but drugs want amazing
01:41:06
people this is the problem right that's true right I guess so are you scared to say it like when I was a when I was at optimal drag in my life when I was the most a drag in my life I
01:41:17
attracted drag people but I wanted amazing people and I could never get them yeah but I feel like with you that
01:41:23
was part of your journey of knowing that you could become an amazing person yeah exactly so you got an amazing person once you did the work that took
01:41:34
you out of draxville Amen okay so that's super interesting so make sure you are the things on that list because we'll rise to the level of our um our values and we'll fall to the level of our wounds
01:41:46
yeah I love the way you put that but also that you know what you have to offer in a
01:41:52
relationship is just as important as what you want out of it and I don't know as a society we just don't really seem
01:41:58
to think about it like that there's actually a note in my diary where I wrote people who focus on what they want don't typically get what they want people who focus on what they have to offer
01:42:10
typically get what they want that's amazing that's like basically the same thing yeah she just parroted off you
01:42:15
plagiarized it no but it is in my diary and I post it on Instagram story a while ago that it was just an observation to
01:42:20
me in business when you hire people the people that are focused on like can I get a pay raise can I get a pay rise
01:42:26
don't typically get the pay rise but the people that focus on what they have to offer yeah they're the ones that you you
01:42:31
give all the you promote and you give the payrolls to because they're focusing on the most important thing which is I
01:42:37
think over prolonged periods of time not always in the short term and not always in every case but life
01:42:42
will eventually give you roughly what you deserve over a long term generally for most people not always yeah because
01:42:48
it's going to be someone that says yeah yeah so you can't what about me because I've presented the caveat but generally
01:42:54
that's what I've observed and I've seen people cheat the system I've seen people get it a little bit further ahead than their talent or their value but life has
01:43:02
a wonderful way of bringing us back to the level of our values and you said it in relationships life will drop you to
01:43:07
the depth of your wounds or to the height of your values so really if you want to
01:43:13
find a sustainable way to get what you want in life is to do that work on what you can offer other people yeah
01:43:19
I think it made me think that actually if that let's constantly like oh you know I want I want this payer eyes I
01:43:25
want that man that's got to be a cortisol-inducing state in your body but if instead of that I'm like what can I
01:43:31
do for Stephen um I have so much love to give that's going to be oxytocin and who's someone
01:43:36
going to be more attracted to interesting oh that's so true one of the things I want to talk to you about that has been risen in culture recently is neurodivergence
01:43:49
big topic autism ADHD um so much that I had a mother send me a voice note the other day her child has just been
01:44:01
um diagnosed with autism and she's really struggling with it and trying to understand uh what it means and where it
01:44:07
came from and was it hereditary and there's so many guests on my podcast have talked about the rise in diagnosis
01:44:13
of ADHD and um is it something that we are causing by the way that we choose to live our lives when you and from an understanding of Neuroscience what is
01:44:25
neurodiversity and what are causing it and what is curing it yeah so this would come more from my experience as a psychiatrist when I did do some work with children as well
01:44:36
um so neurodiversity is basically anything that doesn't fall into the category of a typical brain so you know the way that most of the population think and how their brain works so that
01:44:50
would include things like dyslexia and dyscalculia and ADD ADHD and autism slash Asperger's spectrum and other things
01:45:01
um I think that a lot of it is to do with better diagnosis so I'm not saying it isn't that it isn't the case that these things have risen but I think we're also much better at
01:45:15
diagnosing them so for example when I worked with mostly little boys with ADHD when I saw them for the first time and I took the full family history there was quite often an absent father who'd
01:45:26
actually been in like several different relationships and like couldn't hold down a job and you kind of thought yeah
01:45:32
he probably had it but was undiagnosed so there is an element of that I do think that it is an adaptation to the world which is changing at such a rapid pace which is you know always switched
01:45:44
on so much technology and some people would say that autism is even like a form of evolution in a way to like help us keep up with the changing pace of the
01:45:56
world so you don't necessarily think we know if it's increasing in prevalence I think it is but it's partly naturally increasing and partly because we're better at diagnosing it
01:46:11
I do Wonder as well sometimes things like dyslexia whether humans have always had an element of
01:46:17
Dyslexia um but it's more it's more obvious and more of a more of a challenge in the world we live in um think about the schooling system and writing and education is a fairly new
01:46:30
constructs yeah yeah exactly and so this isn't to do with neurodivergence but to
01:46:36
do with things like gender identity and sexual orientation what I found in my research with the um indigenous wisdom is that those things were understood
01:46:48
long ago there was a place for people and an understanding of you know that their role in in society and sometimes even an elevated role
01:46:59
so it's really interesting that we're grappling with things now like you know what gender does your child want to be
01:47:05
and what life you know is your child going to have if they're gay or whatever and like apparently these these ancient
01:47:11
cultures were dealing with this like all the time no problem your second series of your podcast is going to focus
01:47:18
on some of this work that you learn yeah what are some of the interesting things that if you could only tell me a few
01:47:24
that you think would have the most significant impact on my life and you can't mention learning Portuguese um what would you tell me about
01:47:31
um so one theme that's come through quite strongly is related to creativity which was kind of mentioned but that
01:47:37
doing things like humming and chanting are actually like really beneficial um and they've obviously been around forever and we don't really know why people did them in the first place but
01:47:47
in terms of expressing creativity and like calming down the nervous system that's one thing that seems to have come through from kind of like ayurveda but
01:47:58
also from the first Americans as well was good for your health and immune system I think he said yeah like through your nose hmm
01:48:13
there's different you know there's different times you can do um even just like um go on I can see it you're avoiding it
01:48:25
I'll be in the trailer it's also humming like at the back of your throat humming like between your lips so like oh it's such basic stuff I mean you can
01:48:36
do that on the tube you know you can do it that's going in the drain no it's not
01:48:42
why would that help why would that help us I don't really actually like know the answer I mean
01:48:48
just pick I'm just thinking of this like what can we get from indigenous wisdom that could help us now but I guess it's
01:48:53
something to do with regulating your parasympathetic nervous system okay yeah yeah I'm aging generally longevity and aging
01:49:05
one of the really interesting things you talk about in the book is this idea of sort of psychological priming and psychological priming of Aging
01:49:13
and that psychological priming is the effect that the mindset of Aging has on our physical body how our thoughts about
01:49:20
aging affect our physical abilities what I interpreted from that is our thoughts about aging
01:49:26
have an impact on our aging yeah so actually there's a really fascinating study it's one of my favorite ones to talk about which was
01:49:34
um three groups of octogenarians people in their 80s okay and one group was the control group so they just lived like normal for a week one group
01:49:45
um had to reminisce about being in their 60s for most of the week whenever they had an opportunity to and one group were actually driven to retrofitted versions of their homes
01:49:57
that looked like what their house looked like 20 years ago they were given newspapers dated from 20
01:50:03
years ago they had photos of themselves in that house when they were in their 60s
01:50:09
and and one of the things was they got there and they were they were sort of like okay you know who's going to carry
01:50:14
our suitcase up to the bedroom or whatever and they were like no you're 60 now you carry your own suitcase so it
01:50:20
literally started from the minute they got there and these little old ladies had to and and gentlemen had to carry their
01:50:26
cases up um after one week the people in that group were taller because their their posture improved they were they had better
01:50:39
musculoskeletal coordination than they had a week before in before and after photos that were
01:50:45
shown to people that didn't know them they were rated as younger in the one week after photos and the
01:50:51
photos from arriving at that place um and the reminiscing group also had some improvements but not as much as a group that lived like they were in their 60s and so there was three groups yeah the
01:51:06
ones that went back and relived their life the ones that reminisced and the ones that did nothing at all yeah wow and that really goes to show the impact
01:51:12
of what we think about ourselves and then all of the physiological consequences of
01:51:19
that you you talk about this um your eyes as well but you were going to get was it like laser eye surgery no no it's just like people told you you needed glasses well
01:51:29
my optician told me so he's um of Indian origin the same age as me and he said oh I think you know you're probably going to need reading glasses next year and I was like no I do not want reading glasses that makes you look
01:51:41
really old and he was like yeah I know I know we both look younger than we are but you know your eyes are gonna age
01:51:47
just like anybody else's and I was like no they are not so I left came back a year later he said oh how's it going with the reading so it's fine he sort of went okay Tara so he's doing
01:52:01
my eye test spins around on his little chair halfway through and says your eyes haven't got worse they haven't even stayed the same they've got better and I said I know and he said what have
01:52:13
you been doing and I said well I just said no to you and you said I'm gonna have to get reading glasses and when I'm
01:52:19
like looking at my phone or a book and it feels like it would be a bit easier if I moved it further away I just don't
01:52:26
what's that doing in the brain why is that why did that improve your reading um well I hadn't experienced a problem with my reading but he was obviously seeing the numbers slightly change
01:52:37
um I really didn't do much more than what I've just said so it was like not accepting the limitation and then not
01:52:43
changing my behavior and I think that's what you see from the third group of people which is that
01:52:49
they they had to change their behavior to to live like without any help and in a way that they
01:52:56
had to when they were younger so that essentially removed the limitations that we impose on ourselves which is that if
01:53:02
I'm X age it must mean that I need reading glasses or I need a walking stick or whatever it is
01:53:08
there's a kind of opposite experiment to that too which was done with um young medical students in Florida
01:53:14
and they had to walk between five rooms and on the table were five pieces of paper with a word on it and you had to string a sentence out of it and but that wasn't the real experiment
01:53:25
they thought that was the experiment the real experiment was that in one of the rooms the words that were on the table
01:53:31
were Florida beach Sunshine walk bungalow and all of them walked more slowly out of that room than any of the other rooms
01:53:43
because those words are associated with retirement and that made them slow down that you
01:53:50
asked me is language important in art to our brain that's how important it is so just saying words can change our Behavior so quickly that's what the experiment showed I've
01:54:03
been thinking a lot you know I said I've got this Vlog on YouTube called behind the diary and in two of the episodes
01:54:09
um I've caught myself out while I'm filming because I said words that I thought would be unhelpful and I think
01:54:14
people someone in the comments actually challenged me because there's one day when I'm filming Dragons Den and I'm
01:54:19
filming myself I'm just talking about what's going on I go oh I really need a coffee this morning and I stop myself and say I shouldn't say need and then I
01:54:26
go there's something about this casual use of the word need throughout our lives that is disempowering me it's
01:54:32
making me a slave to the coffee so I make this point which I'm sure people think I'm a little bit bit weird for making that I should I really need to
01:54:37
not say the word need Associated to the things because I will then probably develop a psychological
01:54:43
um and maybe a phys like a someone of a physical need for that for that thing and it just it's it's also just bringing
01:54:49
that word need need into your life like you don't have enough like that you need something
01:54:55
um I'm constantly changing my words like you know tweaking them like that so I would say oh I'm going to treat myself
01:55:03
to a coffee and that was your decision you were powerful there yeah that's a choice you made yeah there's an
01:55:09
overarching Point here about personal responsibility as well when people talk about
01:55:14
um I can't exercise um I don't have any time it feels like a really disempowering
01:55:21
frame versus I've got other priorities which feels empowering and I think about this all the time because if you ask someone why they don't exercise they'll typically blame on some Force the frame makes it seem like there's a
01:55:34
force that's controlling their life for them that has not given them the time or that they could not whereas really it's
01:55:40
just a typically a case of priorities and your your child or your your job that pays your mortgage can be your
01:55:46
priority but I think it's important I've always felt it's important to acknowledge the fact that you made the choice
01:55:52
to take care of your child or to go to your mortgage paying job versus I didn't you know I didn't have any time yeah
01:55:59
this is what I think about language so much and the language that I use and how that's dominating my life even constantly telling myself that I'm
01:56:05
unorganized like messy so how that's probably making the MSC person what have we talked about that that we probably should have talked about is there anything at all any studies or any
01:56:18
insights into the brain and how we change habits that are stubborn um or anything else at all that you've learned from the ancient wisdom
01:56:30
the you know I know that we've talked like very broadly on lots of different things but I hope that with for me my
01:56:36
intention with every sentence that I've said to you is that people should realize how much
01:56:42
potential they have in their brains like how capable they are of having an even more amazing life than they have already I think I accept that now more than I
01:56:56
ever have before because I've had this conversation with you I think I accept that there's so much untapped potential
01:57:02
in me and I'm not this kind of fully formed um rigid lump of cells I can change fundamentally um I think a lot of people probably are if they've gotten to this point in the conversation will also accept that
01:57:17
if you were to close with I guess the step one like the the thing that I should immediately do as I move forward in my life from here that would help me to start moving towards that
01:57:30
person that I want to become the organized great partner successful in his business great with his podcast all of those things what is that first step and you know
01:57:44
what's funny is because my brain keeps thinking about the taxi driver that's I'm on the way here who said he'd listen to the podcast and he told gave me a
01:57:50
little bit of a window into his world so he's driving the cab every day and I meet a lot of cab drivers that listen to the podcast and we chat and oftentimes
01:57:57
they sometimes they have dreams of doing other things so they might say to me John I want to start my own business one
01:58:02
day and I'm just looking I'm looking for the first couple of steps but I I reflect on what you said and go they're going to be so hard wired into their patterns and their jobs and
01:58:13
their habits and their routines and it's very hard to make that jump yeah so if I could give people a takeaway to
01:58:21
start with that's really simple but it doesn't mean there isn't a lot of hard work at the other end of it it would be
01:58:27
be very clear on what it is that you want so you've mentioned a few things spend five minutes sitting down and visualizing those things being true
01:58:39
and then give gratitude for that that would be my first step give gratitude for those things being true just five minutes I'm a great partner
01:58:50
I'm not messy my podcast is super successful like see it feel it in your body taste
01:58:58
it in your mouth hear it in your ears completely immerse yourself in that for five minutes longer if you can
01:59:05
and then just be so grateful for all of that essentially what you're doing is moving your brain from a fear state to a trust State and that is the gateway to making
01:59:16
these changes thank you so much thank you really a thought-provoking wonderful conversation and I've learned so much and you've given me so much food for thought um and
01:59:29
you've changed my mind on a lot of things in my life that's a great compliment you know and I've I know a
01:59:34
few things about neuroplasticity because I've had guests here that have spoken to me about it but I have a better understanding of it now and I also
01:59:40
understand I think most importantly the part of manifestation that is understandable through the lens of science yeah I guess we have a closing tradition on this podcast where the last guest leaves a
01:59:55
question for the next guest not knowing who they're going to leave it for oh this question
02:00:02
is what could you choose to change and choose to feel great about the same thing that's that's the
02:00:14
question question says what could you choose to change and choose to feel great about um I assume it's the same thing
02:00:22
I could finally realize my dream of feeling like I am truly a creative person and I'm not exactly sure that would look how
02:00:33
that would look yet but I'm on the path to it so I think getting clearer on that
02:00:40
um would feel great and actually doing it would also feel great you're already a creative person though
02:00:48
thank you so much for saying that I feel like I have one more step to go before I really feel that I've done that because
02:00:54
that was such a a deep seated thing for me I mean there's a bit more of a backstory to it
02:01:00
which I didn't give you but my English teacher said to me you are so good at drama you should read English Oxford and go to Radha and I came home and told my parents and
02:01:13
they literally said oh my dad said Over My Dead Body you'll go to medical school and then
02:01:19
after that you can do whatever you want and so I think there is that frustration in
02:01:25
there that's been in there for a long time like these days you can't imagine anything better than your kid coming
02:01:31
home and one of the teachers having picked them out is exceptional um but of course at that time there were no
02:01:37
brown people on TV so it was seen as an even bigger risk than than it would be now and I have to say you know every
02:01:44
time I see someone that looks like me who's like made it as an actress I just it makes me
02:01:50
so happy um so why did your father say that I think that Indian parents you know they they think that stability is the key to happiness for their children so
02:02:03
having a stable career having a regular salary I don't really come from a family of entrepreneurs
02:02:09
which is why it was so crazy when I gave up my job and started up a business no one could understand it
02:02:14
um and I was afraid of not having a regular paycheck and then at some point I realized
02:02:22
I could earn zero in any one month but I could also well you know I could there's
02:02:27
a there's no limit to what I could earn and I think this realization came when in one month I invoiced what I was earning in a year as a doctor
02:02:36
didn't they think you were your grandmother reincarnated and she grew up in a village in India
02:02:42
and didn't have access to education and that was a big regret of hers so I was given you know the best
02:02:49
education that money could buy got an MD and a PhD it's like it's over compensation and it wasn't really necessarily what I ever wanted
02:03:00
thank you so much giving me so much to think about what a wonderful conversation what a wonderful ray of sunshine and like you are in the world
02:03:06
I'm so excited to see your your career continue to evolve and touch and help so many one people
02:03:11
um all of your work is incredible you've got your podcast coming up as well which I think everyone's going to be super excited to hear about because if it's
02:03:18
anything like this conversation it's going to be of tremendous tremendous value um when is that when is that going to be
02:03:23
out it's launching on October 4th but season one is already available to Listen to If people haven't
02:03:28
listen to it already reinvent yourself with Dr Tara yeah which is the second season which is in
02:03:35
that second season you're aiming to do a lot of the ancient wisdom yeah stuff so exciting really excited to hear that so
02:03:41
October 4th we'll look out for that thank you so much for your time um thank you Dr Tara
02:03:48
swart there's actually the word art in your name but there is have you ever noticed that no okay well I'm excited for our next
02:03:59
conversation and to hear about how you've pursued that creativity because it's certainly within you um and it's such a wonderful honor to
02:04:05
have met you today and to learn from you thank you so much thank you [Music] oh [Music]