00:00:00
Man, we're going in a real dark place. I've never talked about this stuff out loud. The American entrepreneur broadcaster
00:00:05
Tom Bill. I'm about to ruin that [ __ ] good mood. I tried to believe I was special and
00:00:12
either luck of the draw or the fact that I really am average, I would always run into somebody better than me. I was
00:00:18
sliding rapidly towards depression. The breakthrough for me was to accept that I was hopelessly average and that that was still going to allow me to be successful. I can sum up personal
00:00:30
responsibility in a single quote by Kobe Bryant. Booze don't block dunks. The most insidious thing about excuses, you have a valid reason to feel like a victim, but the question is, is that
00:00:44
going to serve you moving forward? When I reflect on how many people in our society are feeling anxious these days,
00:00:50
is there something we are just fundamentally doing wrong about the way that we're living our lives? Yes. And what is that? I would lose respect for myself if I
00:00:57
didn't say this. So, here it goes. So, without further ado, I'm Steven Bartlett and this is the Diary of a CEO USA edition. I hope nobody's listening,
00:01:07
but if you are, then please keep this to yourself. [Music] The story you tell yourself about yourself is the single most important thing you're going to craft.
00:01:25
Facts. I was watching a compilation of things you'd said upstairs before I came downstairs. And that really stuck out to
00:01:31
me because when I think about the the Tom Billy story that I know, it's the question that I find so repeatedly
00:01:40
uh fascinating is how a man went from what you told me in our last conversation many years ago. You were
00:01:46
someone that was kind of counted out by seemingly by your mother, by yourself, and other people around you, your
00:01:53
current wife's father to this guy that I see as the antithesis of that. How did you what did or how did you change that self story? Well, the how I changed that
00:02:07
story is so rudimentary that I wish people would take me seriously. So the only belief that matters is that if I
00:02:13
put energy and effort into getting better, I actually will get better. And so you can look at anything and say,
00:02:18
"Okay, maybe I suck at this right now," which was the key realization for my life. Okay, I'm I actually am not good.
00:02:25
Like my father-in-law wasn't crazy. I really wasn't anywhere useful for his daughter at that time. My mom wasn't
00:02:32
crazy. I really was lazy. Like, so she was just picking up on the fact that I was tremendously lazy. She wanted me to be successful, but she was just looking
00:02:39
at my behavior. And so, I hadn't been misidentified. People just didn't calculate how much I could change and
00:02:46
that I would so grasp on to the ability to change as an emotional life raft. And
00:02:52
so, the the big switch was that I decided to believe that I could get better. And once I made that decision,
00:02:59
it aligned my behaviors with skill acquisition. And that's all life is, acquire skills. When I reflect on this
00:03:06
idea of like choosing your beliefs, I think one of the things that people will comes to front of mind is it's very hard
00:03:12
to believe something if you don't have some kind of subjective evidence for that thing. And when I think about my own confidence or my own personal
00:03:19
growth, a lot of it came from some type of subjective evidence. So, I didn't believe that I could speak in front of
00:03:24
people because I'd never done it before. And when I hear a lot of the narrative in the self-development community that you there's some some narrative in the
00:03:31
self-development community that you need to look in the mirror in the morning and say, "I am great. I am a millionaire. I
00:03:36
am successful. I've never once done that. Yeah. And this is the this is the the fine line I'm trying to understand is
00:03:43
why is that [ __ ] Because that's someone apparently choosing or, you know, affirming that they are something.
00:03:49
I I don't think it actually is [ __ ] It just isn't going to get you very far. So, if what you're hung up on is you
00:03:56
just can't ever fathom that being true, then saying it may begin to form this like just like it erodess this lack of belief that it's possible. Now, my
00:04:08
problem is when people think that just saying it out loud is going to make it come true. That for sure isn't true. So,
00:04:14
your behavior is ultimately all that matters. So if you make all the right decisions but you have like you absolutely think that it's impossible
00:04:21
for you but you still do the right things, you will win. The problem is that if you believe that it's never
00:04:27
going to happen for you, you won't take the steps. And so when you look at how hard something is and you get partway
00:04:34
down that road and you're like, "Wow, this is really hard. It's making me confront my insecurities. This does not feel good and I don't believe it's
00:04:40
possible anyway." Then why would you keep going? And the answer is you wouldn't. And so nobody does. And so everybody who believes it's impossible
00:04:46
and encounters the difficulties that success will demand of everybody, they stop 100% of the time. And so by looking
00:04:56
at yourself in the mirror and saying, "I am a millionaire. I'm a genius." Like all this stuff, it may function as some
00:05:02
eroding mechanism to those entrenched beliefs that it's never going to happen for you. That would not work
00:05:08
for me because there's a part of my brain that just screams, "This is bullshit." Like, you know, this is [ __ ] So for me, I had to align with
00:05:15
what do I believe to be true about humans? I needed to be I needed to accept that I was average. That was a
00:05:21
huge moment for me because I tried to believe I was special and either luck of the draw or the fact that I really am average. I've always been around a substantial number of people that are
00:05:33
smarter than me or faster than me or stronger than like literally everything, every niche I tried to find, I would
00:05:39
always run into somebody better than me. And it was devastating, like really devastating. And
00:05:47
the breakthrough for me was to accept that I was hopelessly average and that that was still going to allow me to be
00:05:54
successful. And so for me, the breakthrough was reading about the brain, like just brain science and
00:05:59
understanding brain plasticity. And so once I understood, whoa, like your brain actually can change. So that means that
00:06:06
just because I'm not good at something today doesn't mean I can't good at it get good at it tomorrow. And so it was
00:06:11
like, well, wait a second. If the average human is actually designed to get better, like that is our fundamental
00:06:17
design, not that I'm special, not that I'm smarter than anybody, but once I realized, oh my god, that is what the
00:06:25
the DNA of the human animal is designed to do is learn and grow from context. And so then it was just like, okay, word. Like if you're going to just focus on being the learner, then get your
00:06:36
sense of pride out of being willing to admit what you're not good at and to sit at somebody else's feet and learn. And all of my success is a result of that.
00:06:48
Tremendous self-awareness. Even the use of the word realization, that realization that you were pursuing um
00:06:54
something as opposed to something else and you were able to kind of separate yourself from your ego or at least look look down on it and understand the the
00:07:00
the the role it was having on your decision-m self-awareness and then huge humility. Are these skills?
00:07:07
Yes, because I didn't have them in the beginning. Interesting. Now, self-awareness is a double-edged
00:07:13
sword. I didn't have any when I was a kid and I didn't have anxiety. As I have really leaned into developing self-awareness, it's actually made me more anxious really because I'm hyper aware of what I'm not
00:07:26
good at, what I am good at, how I'm being perceived, how I perceive myself that things matter. Like this this is
00:07:32
man when I really try to shake this off the thing that I keep coming back to is life has consequences and building and selling a billion dollar company has
00:07:45
consequences like they're amazing. So getting good at something and winning can change your life and those things are powerful. And so it's like I realized the game I'm playing. I
00:07:58
realized the stakes. And so, one of the things that I really have to focus on now is like
00:08:04
I don't value that stuff. I need to be careful not to value that stuff. That what matters, the thing that you started this off, the only thing that matters is how you feel about yourself when you're by yourself. And all the success in the
00:08:17
world can't touch that. But you're constructing that in your own mind. You're constructing a value system. You
00:08:23
are constructing beliefs. Now, most of the time, you don't realize that you're constructing them. So they're invisible. You just see cool [ __ ] and you think,
00:08:30
"Wow, that's cool." You don't realize that in saying, "Wow, that's cool." You just made a value judgment. You reinforce that in your own mind. And now
00:08:36
in some subtle way, you're moving towards that and judging yourself against whether you have that or not. So you have to keep coming back to what's
00:08:43
cool is feeling good about myself. What's cool is having a dope marriage. What's cool is getting better. What's
00:08:50
cool is sitting at somebody's feet and learning something new. So I have to reinforce that value system because from
00:08:56
an evolutionary standpoint we have all these weird things baked in already. So 50% of you is just baked in and then 50%
00:09:04
of you is created really subtly from the time you are a child and you have no idea that you're absorbing and creating these belief systems that are governing your value system that are governing
00:09:16
what you think is worthy of respect. Which means if you think that the only thing worthy of respect is tremendous
00:09:22
success, then you'll put yourself on that wheel trying to earn your own respect. And then if you don't get it,
00:09:27
you'll be in the dumps. And then if you do get it, you're going to realize it didn't matter in the first place because you have these embedded things in your
00:09:34
brain. And here's the most insidious. You will get this more than most. There is no amount of success big enough that you can stand in it forever.
00:09:45
There's no meal big enough, no feast overwhelming enough that you never need to eat again, no drink so thirst
00:09:52
quenching that you don't need to drink again. We get that with like the bodily stuff. No sex so great that you don't
00:09:58
want sex again. So why is it that we think that success would be any different? And people think it is. They
00:10:04
think I I will have reached that, right? Like if you read my resume, it sounds like I should just permanently be happy,
00:10:09
right? You sold a billion dollar company. You live in a really fancy house. You've got a lot of money. It doesn't work like that. None of that
00:10:15
stuff carries any weight with me today. I have to earn my self-respect every day. And so I have to be really careful what I choose to value because that will
00:10:27
determine how I feel about myself when I'm by myself, which is ultimately all that matters. You mentioned the anxiety that comes
00:10:34
with that self-awareness. Now what what is cuz what I heard there was this kind of expectation that you're placing on
00:10:39
yourself which is part of the bakedin part of Tom is that the thing causing the anxiety now anxiety is really
00:10:47
complex. So let's start with diet. The biggest change that I made to my anxiety was stopping drinking uh sugar-free
00:10:54
Monster which I love by the way absolutely love them. Uh, but there's something, right? There's something in
00:11:01
them that causes my microbiome to get out of whack and I will feel really anxious. So, I used to have generalized anxiety disorder. I couldn't even tell you why I felt anxious. I just did all
00:11:12
the time. And finally, I realized there was a component of diet. So, I no longer
00:11:17
get generalized anxiety. Now, I will still get anxious if I'm dealing with something that's really like the stakes are really high and it really matters to
00:11:23
me. So, I have to I've had to learn meditation. that changed my life in ways that I can't even convey. So, that's
00:11:30
been really important. But it is it and some of it is going to be just the way that I'm wired. I have I don't have an addictive personality, but I have an obsessive mind. Now, my obsessive mind
00:11:43
has led to my success because I will think about problems all the time. And so, like, I'm actually a really slow
00:11:49
thinker, but people give me all this credit because I can talk fast, but I talk fast because I've thought about it
00:11:54
obsessively for days, weeks, months, years, depending on what thing we're talking about. But that rumination I in fact, I was just talking to uh um a guy
00:12:06
that does uh he doesn't like the term hypnotherapy, but everybody will understand that idea. So, he's really
00:12:11
wellversed in hypnosis. And he said people break into three personality types. And the personality type that
00:12:17
struggles the most is the personality type that both experiences the world incredibly emotionally but then has an
00:12:23
analytical mind that ruminates on the emotions. And that's where I'm at. So I experience the emotional gamut of life. And it's incredible. I would never want to not. It's wonderful.
00:12:36
Life is is a roller coaster of um incredible highs and lows. and meditation and my belief system allow me to even that out so that I never get too out of whack in
00:12:47
any direction. But I'll loop on ideas and if it's a negative idea about myself, I'll loop
00:12:54
and loop and loop and loop and loop. And so that's why I said at the beginning, what you allow yourself to repeat is really going to determine the quality of
00:13:00
your life. And so I have to really get good at interrupting that. So that's why meditation is the key for me to dealing
00:13:07
with anxiety. like as I can feel it ratcheting up, it's really my mind ruminating on all the ways that it could go wrong. And so I have to find a way to
00:13:14
insert myself to break that rehearsal of failure and instead force myself to focus on rehearsing success, which it's almost silly, but it really does drop my
00:13:25
anxiety to next to nothing. But I have to really forcefully insert myself. Does it always work that process? There are things that are so high in amplitude
00:13:36
that it's like, okay, this is really like stressing me out. Um, but yeah, it always works. I've never
00:13:42
been more than 45 minutes away from complete equinimity really. And that's that's going through things
00:13:48
that are where there's hundreds of millions of dollars on the line. It's like really really stressful.
00:13:54
I've experienced anxiety too. And I before I had experienced it, I I think I experienced it in my mid20ies for the
00:14:00
first time when my business got really really difficult and when the stakes got really really high. I always thought it was something that others other other
00:14:07
people experienced. I never thought it would be something that would find me and um so my perspective and my this is
00:14:15
why I'm so compelled by the concept because it did find me and I couldn't believe it did. I couldn't believe it
00:14:20
when it did because as I said I thought it was something that some kind of you know maybe chemical disorder. When I
00:14:25
reflect on how many people in our society are feeling anxious these days, it be pulls into question, is there
00:14:30
something we are just fundamentally doing wrong about the way that we're living our lives? Yes. And what is that? Diet is the biggest problem. You think
00:14:37
it's 100%. If you were if you said you can have what you can make one change to somebody's life, what change would you
00:14:43
make to lower their anxiety? 100% their diet. Now, once that's regulated, it doesn't mean that it goes away. I still have anxiety. But when I think I've reduced it by 70% through diet alone.
00:14:55
Now the remaining 30% is still a pain. So you really do want to address it. And for that I've had to turn to meditation.
00:15:01
I've had to insert myself into my ruminating thoughts and be very thoughtful about that. I've had to adjust my belief system so that I'm not
00:15:08
afraid of failure. Like there are a lot of things that I've had to do to get myself to that place. Um but if I could
00:15:14
only make one change, it would be that. Now, living in the social media era is amazing. It's amazing, man. And it's given so much. And I think it's given far more than it takes. But you really
00:15:27
have to be careful like to give people an idea. I have had a lot of success. I have a
00:15:34
lot of the worldly things that people want. And even I can look at somebody's house. If people saw my house and then
00:15:39
they hear the following statement, they will laugh. But I can look at someone's house and be like, "Yo, that's a house." Right? So, uh, it never ends, right? So,
00:15:48
it's like if I pee out and I had the best house in the world, I'd be like, "Yeah, but Elon Musk just built a rocket that can carry 300 people to Mars."
00:15:54
Like, what have I done? So, there's always some other thing. So, you just you've got to be psychotically careful
00:16:00
about what you allow yourself to value yourself for because I value achievement. I think it's extraordinary.
00:16:07
I'm very glad that I have that. It makes me strive. It's pushed me to be a better version of myself. But at the same time
00:16:13
I have to be really careful not to let it damage my sense of self which it will do very rapidly. And I think every we we
00:16:22
have to agree that there is a north star and for optimizing a human life. And I will say that which reduces suffering and elevates the individual to
00:16:33
fulfillment. Those would be my two things. reduce human suffering in yourself and others and elevate your
00:16:40
sense of fulfillment in yourself and help other people do the same. Like that seems to be the cocktail for the most
00:16:46
resilient mental state you could hope for so that even as life goes up and down and you
00:16:52
win and lose and people are born and people die. I mean, we're all going to go through just unrelenting misery from
00:16:58
time to time. It just is. Um, and the only way to even all of that out is to pursue those two things. Now, once we have that, then you start optimizing for lifestyle and beliefs and your thought
00:17:12
patterns and all of that stuff. I really do feel like if you removed social media, you'd remove a tremendous
00:17:18
amount of anxiety and obviously everyone's context would get smaller. So, the comparison part, I mean, there's
00:17:25
various reasons, front of mind reasons why I think social media causes people to be anxious. One of them is obviously all the feedback we get about our
00:17:32
success, our achievements, our projects, whatever. And the other is um the feedback we go searching for via
00:17:38
comparison. So me looking out at the world, which is now billions of people on my phone,
00:17:44
whereas once upon a time, my human design probably um I was probably designed to deal with about 20 or maybe,
00:17:50
you know, a small tribe. You could also optimize here. Here is the brutal thing. put out a tweet, like
00:17:56
put out a hot take, but something you really believe in, like that really matters to you and and you're moved by
00:18:02
it and you feel like you're adding something positive to the world, like put out one of those tweets. It will not be universally loved.
00:18:08
I've done that last week and it was torn to pieces. Yep. And it was like in newspapers. That is that is emotionally brutal.
00:18:16
Yeah. And when you realize that, man, I just want to like connect. I want I want to
00:18:21
put something rad out into the world, but then people kick you in the face. And it makes you want to turtle up. And
00:18:28
so it's this weird exercise of like you have to divorce yourself from what other
00:18:34
people think, which is powerful if you can do it, but we're the human animal. And so you can't ever, I think, completely detach. We are, as I like to
00:18:41
say, we are both the shout and the echo. So we are what we say, do, and believe, but we're also what people tell us about
00:18:48
the things that we say, do, and believe. And it matters because we're a tribe animal. So yeah, it gets real weird. And then
00:18:55
you and I are both into web 3 in a big way. The only thing I know that's going to be more devastating to mental health
00:19:00
than web two and social media is web 3. But it's also incredible and it's so life-changing that we have to find a way
00:19:08
to mitigate some of the bad. But you're taking all of the things of web two and putting money on top of it. And so now
00:19:14
people are really freaking out. Why is it going to be worse web three? Because it's money. You're playing with
00:19:19
people's money. And so now it's not fun in games anymore. It's like people are they're oftentimes investing more than they should in something. And so it will
00:19:31
be bad for them because now something that they otherwise could have enjoyed becomes incredibly stressful. And for
00:19:37
the creators, we're going to destroy a lot of creators who are just like, "Yeah, I'm not I I can't. This isn't fun anymore." Like, it was fun, but I've now
00:19:49
taken money for this thing. I have obligations. You have to be honest about that. But if like, it's not going well.
00:19:56
Most people are not going to have the the tools that they need to grapple with that, to work through problems, to
00:20:02
improve, to get better. Like, it's just going to be really hard. And so when you take the the ability for people all over
00:20:11
the world to tell you what they think and then you let them invest money, now it gets it gets crazy real fast and we're already seeing projects implode
00:20:23
because the creator was maybe an artist who's already wearing their heart on their sleeve and it just doesn't work
00:20:31
and they're not able to deal with that and then the project poof. it goes away. And I don't think that
00:20:37
most people had ill intent. Of course, there are people that have ill intent, but I don't think most of them do, but
00:20:43
they're just it's a business and they don't know how to run a business. A lot of we've talked about a lot of stress,
00:20:48
pressure, tension, and all the [ __ ] that comes with striving. You said achievement and striving is very important. What is the cocktail the the
00:20:55
ingredients that you now need for that fulfillment that you described earlier? All right. I actually have a as close as you're going to get to a conceptual math
00:21:02
equation here. Okay. So fulfillment is very simple for me. So and it has to do with the directives that are embedded in your brain from an evolutionary standpoint. So you must work hard. It's
00:21:14
embedded in your brain to acquire skills that matter to you that allow you to elevate yourself and others in service of a goal that's both exciting and honorable. So exciting and honorable
00:21:29
means that you're just amped about it. You dig it. So I dig storytelling. just I do and I want to help people through
00:21:35
storytelling. I do. My life circumstances have led me to that. The way that I'm hardwired, I just have an over um an outsized response to stories.
00:21:44
And so I'm drawn to that and because of life experience, I want to use stories to help people. So that's very exciting
00:21:50
for me. Now, it's also honorable because I'm not just looking to make myself rich
00:21:55
or be admired for telling a cool story. I actually want to help people with that story and I hold myself accountable to
00:22:01
that. So when you have that cocktail, you're working hard to garner a set of skills that allow you to serve not only
00:22:07
yourself but other people. It that's fulfillment. So people can say whatever they want. And I know like if I'm
00:22:14
actually out there every day doing my best to help people, I'm going to feel good about that. Now, I'm not going to feel good about people misunderstanding
00:22:20
that. That's still going to suck. But I know what's in my heart. And so if I'm like, "No, for real. I'm showing up no matter what people say. I really am
00:22:27
showing up to help people." then that will give you the emotional resilience that you need to see yourself through.
00:22:33
So fulfillment is it's able to withstand even moments of unhappiness. And when you have fulfillment, the thing that you believe in that you're fighting for, then it
00:22:46
gets easier to push through, you know, whatever frustrations, difficulties, the mob coming after you, whatever. If you
00:22:52
don't have that and it was you were just trying to be famous or get approval and
00:22:57
it feels like the entire world is piling on you, you just are like, "Yeah, I'm done with this." So, there really has to
00:23:03
be something you're fighting for. You know, when you do interviews and you make content, and you do that a lot, right? So, you're very much like me over
00:23:08
this side of the table. When I make content, sometimes the thing that's front of mind comes through.
00:23:14
So, if I'm if this week or that's why before we started recording, I asked you the question, what's front of mind? The
00:23:19
thing that's front of mind tends to come through. I can't help it. So if I sit here with a guest and they are a a chef, I'll end up talking about the thing that
00:23:26
happened like two days ago and I can kind of I kind of get that a little bit from you that you that one of the things
00:23:31
that's front of mind is like I'm maybe I'm totally wrong is dealing with the external criticism from the mob who are
00:23:39
questioning something that to you came from a place of sincerity and authenticity. is that
00:23:46
since we started since I started being on camera that has been front of mind like you really have to deal with that
00:23:54
and when I first started so I first stepped in front of the camera like seven years eight years ago something
00:23:59
like that and I was like I'm not sure I really want to do this and I wrote an article that I thought was it really was like Tom what is the like the the most
00:24:12
life-changing thing you've realized that you could offer as an idea to other people and that would change their life.
00:24:19
And I wrote this article about how if you get hit, and in fact, I'm going to light myself on fire again because I
00:24:25
know how people respond to this, but this is really what I wrote. If you get hit by a drunk driver, it's all your fault. And that's amazing because you
00:24:33
could do something about it. You could do something different next time and get a different result. Now, of course, I no longer use the word fault because that
00:24:39
just does not lead me anywhere productive. But that was the article and people lit me on fire and I was shocked
00:24:46
to my core. I I cannot tell you dude when I hit publish on that I was like oh my god people are going to love this. It's going to change so many lives. This is going to be incredible. And then you people were not loving it. And so I was
00:24:58
like whoa. Okay. So that was extraordinarily eye opening. Um, but because I really am trying to help like this was
00:25:10
working at Quest, working in the inner cities, you realize or at least my big revelation having big brothered for a
00:25:17
kid in the inner cities when I was much younger and seeing what it was doing to him and then having a thousand employees
00:25:22
that grew up in the inner cities and being like, "Oh my god, like this is your zip code in most of the developed
00:25:28
world, whatever the equivalent of zip code is, is the number one predictor of your future success. And so I was like,
00:25:35
there's got to be a way to help people with that. And the conclusion I came to is it's this set of ideas that are timeless. They have nothing to do with me, but I have a way of explaining them
00:25:45
through how I had to struggle with them. And so maybe I'm able to say it in a way that certain people will hear. And so
00:25:52
between writing, between being on camera, between um the stories that I hope to tell that I can embed these ideas and get them across. And it does.
00:26:04
They're in today's world. I've been given a gift, which is social media, which is web 3, which is going to allow me to expand all of this and reach people I never could have dreamed of
00:26:15
reaching before. But it comes with the the other side which is you put something out that really is coming from
00:26:21
a good place and people still are not loving it. Like I I my wife and I do this show um called Relationship Theory
00:26:27
and I did a thing when I say even now relisting to it I can't believe that at least half of the people that hear it are just infuriated. And it's about like how to you know
00:26:41
develop a good sex relationship with your partner. I send clips to my girlfriend. Oh my god. And and people were just
00:26:47
like, "Who the [ __ ] does this guy think he is?" I'm like, "Wow." So anyway, you really do like we we are raising a
00:26:54
generation of people that need to develop incredible mental resilience against that if you want to be able to
00:27:02
engage with this incredible gift that is the web and being able to communicate to
00:27:07
large groups of people. But it really does require like developing a value system and a belief system that's going to make you resilient to that because it
00:27:18
isn't easy even for me. And I've spent a lot of time building the resilience and I'm older. So it's like a lot of the
00:27:23
things that probably would have thrown me off in my 20s now don't. But it's a thing for sure.
00:27:30
That article seemed just from the title seemed to be one that centers on like personal responsibility. Am I guessing that correctly? You then use the word
00:27:37
eye opening because I imagine what you wrote there still to this day you believe to be true
00:27:42
to the core of my existence. So the word eye openening is illuminating for me because it means that it taught you something not about
00:27:48
what you had written but about the reaction to what you'd written and about the people reacting. What is it you've learned about why personal
00:27:54
responsibility is and I've seen on this podcast like if I'm going to be counseledled for anything it's probably there's a number of things but my
00:28:01
pursuit of like being a champion for personal responsibility is up there. Mo Gaat sat here and said when he published
00:28:07
his book he he open sources it to 500 people and he says he loses about I think it was 10% of people they just click off the document when they get to the personal responsibility part they're
00:28:17
just seem to be inherently offended by it where is the truth what can be done okay so this goes back to what we were talking about earlier which is I just
00:28:28
know people are going to uh just really love this section uh but I can't help myself I would lose respect for myself
00:28:35
if I didn't say this stuff. I could see myself one day not being on camera anymore. I can't ever see myself saying
00:28:41
something that I don't believe to be true. So, here it goes. You have to have a belief system that is both true and optimistic.
00:28:52
Personal responsibility is true and wildly optimistic. And it is people's belief system and the value system that they cobble together over a lifetime
00:29:03
that will lead them to reject that. And all I can say is reject it at your own peril for the following reason. Personal responsibility is about remembering you can do something and change. And I I can
00:29:15
sum up personal responsibility in a single quote by Kobe Bryant. Booze don't block dunks. That's personal responsibility. You can get so good at something that no matter how much people
00:29:28
hate you, the best athletes in the world were paid millions of dollars and trained to stop Kobe Bryant from scoring. And yet he scored 81 points in
00:29:39
a single game. So you can get so good no matter how much people hate you, no matter how much they're training and trying to defeat you, they can't. And that is the most exciting thing in the
00:29:52
world to me that wait, you're saying that I can get so good at something that at least the vast majority of humanity
00:29:58
can't stop me. There will always, of course, I'm unfortunately I don't I don't yet believe that I am Kobe Bryant
00:30:04
in anything that I care about. So, but that I can get better than the vast majority of humanity at something by
00:30:10
dedicating my time and energy to that thing. That is so cool. That is so liberating. It's changed my life. It's
00:30:15
given me hope. It got me up off the floor. It It in every possible way, it has changed my life. It is the thing that I rely on when I'm feeling my most anxious. I'm like, I can get better at
00:30:26
this. A word. And then I remember that's right. Like if I put time and energy into this, I can get better. So it's
00:30:32
okay if I'm actually not good at this. If people are coming after me and saying, "You're stupid. You're seeing
00:30:37
this wrong." I'm like, maybe I really am. Like maybe there's really something to learn here. Even with personal
00:30:43
responsibility, if somebody shows me that taking personal responsibility for my life is worse than if I didn't, I
00:30:48
would change. But in every metric I have ever encountered and including all the people that I've introduced this idea to that have then gone on to do something with it, it has made every single one of their lives better to a person without
00:31:01
exception. And so I'm just like, I want people to win so badly. I'm wired to love other people winning almost as much as I love winning myself. When I was six, I threw an Easter egg contest so
00:31:15
that my sister would find more eggs than I did because I knew it meant more to her. And I just was so happy to see her
00:31:20
win. So like it just that is innate. I didn't do anything to earn that. I'm not an extra nice person. Just for whatever
00:31:26
reason, I really enjoy seeing other people win. And so dude, when I'm giving these ideas, I'm like, it will help you. It will help you. You like I'm already
00:31:37
doing it. My life is already a reflection of this and it's true and optimistic. Just to bring it all back around, it is true and optimistic. And so I hope people embrace
00:31:49
it. I know that some people don't because they have a value system where they're getting value out of being in a
00:31:55
helpless position. And that's heartbreaking because it's it doesn't feel good. At least it didn't when I was
00:32:01
there. I'm trying to think of the rebuttals because I agree that having a bias to optimism and personal responsibility has solved all of
00:32:12
Can I give you the rebuttal please? So the rebuttal is that societal energy and momentum really really matter and
00:32:20
that we are the shout and the echo. So even though if you feel like you are a victim and that life is out of your control and it's stacked against you and there's nothing you can do
00:32:32
when you are the recipient of legitimate injustice. The world is going to rally to your side and be like, "Yo, you've been wronged. We celebrate you. We love you. We elevate you. Like this is just
00:32:45
so crazy. It should never happen to you." That will feel awesome. And so you've been embraced and there is a lot
00:32:50
of cultural momentum around that. Now the problem is that when you're by yourself thinking about yourself, you
00:32:56
feel disempowered and it does not feel good and you're in a very dark [ __ ] place which is a big reason why I think
00:33:03
right now that people are I mean suicide is like depending on the age group is like the number one leading cause of
00:33:09
death for like teenage boys. I mean that's nuts. So clearly something going on. So, I don't think people will feel
00:33:16
good about themselves when they're by themselves if they adopt that value system. But they are getting huge
00:33:23
emotional rewards from the crowd. Now, the crowd can't save them again when they're by themselves, but
00:33:30
to deny that to be embraced for something like that feels good would be foolish because it really does feel
00:33:36
good. And I spent time there feeling sorry for myself for a long time. And when somebody's like, "Wow, that really
00:33:43
does suck." I was like, "Yeah, man. That that feels good to be acknowledged." And so I get it and I want to acknowledge
00:33:49
it, too. Like, it really is when people have the deck stacked against them. That really sucks. That really sucks. And
00:33:55
there are I mean, look, I've spent enough time in the inner cities. There are people with the deck stacked way hard against them. But my thing is you
00:34:02
can actually get out and you How about this? You can make your life a hundred times better. No matter how bad it is,
00:34:08
you can make it a hundred times better. And that joy, seeing people do that is everything. It's everything for them. It's everything for me as somebody who just likes to see people win. And I
00:34:19
don't see that same 100x improvement on people that embrace a different value system, but it's real and there's a lot of momentum. Is that unwillingness to accept that
00:34:31
idea also somewhat linked to people's own self-esteem? Because when we admit personal responsibility, for some
00:34:36
people, especially those that have a lower sort of sense of self-worth, maybe they see that as evidence of their
00:34:43
further evidence of their own inadequacy. I'm going to bend it more to identity. So, you build your identity and I I have
00:34:52
the deck stacked against me for whatever reason. And when that becomes your identity and you value yourself for that, like I have the
00:35:04
deck stacked against me and I stand strong in the face of this and you know I can deal with these slings and arrows
00:35:09
or or I fight back against them and so I become like I'm really on a mission to fight against this and all of that
00:35:17
becomes your identity. So now you you have to give up personal responsibility to embrace that and to fight for it. But you get that, right? You get the tribe.
00:35:29
You get the other people in that community that feel the same. But what you've given up is really being
00:35:35
able to change and to acquire skills and to become capable of more. And so my obsession is getting people to
00:35:41
understand skills have utility. Now skills have utility and they let you do something better than other people. You
00:35:46
can do things that other people can't do. that's a monetizable b there is something hardwired in all of us to work
00:35:52
hard to g to gain skills that allow us to serve the group right as a social animal you have an imperative buried in
00:35:58
your brain there is no way to escape it to contribute to the group so if you embrace personal responsibility you're
00:36:04
going to get all these other kinds of rewards because you'll be able to accumulate skill set you will be able to dunk and people will not be able to stop
00:36:10
you right like that becomes the reality that you live in it's super intoxicating because going back to this idea of why
00:36:17
it matters to Make sure that you have a narrative that is true. Because when it's true, your predictive machine of a
00:36:22
brain can actually predict how to change the world to what you want it to be, which I will define power as the ability
00:36:28
to close your eyes, imagine a world better than this, open your eyes, gain the skills you need to make that world come true. That's power. And to get that
00:36:38
power, you have to acquire skills. To acquire skills, you have to take responsibility. To take responsibility, you have to reject being in the victim
00:36:44
category, even though it's real. Like that's the other thing I want people to understand. The most insidious thing
00:36:50
about excuses is that they're so valid. You have a valid reason to feel like a victim. You may really be being victimized, but the question is, is that
00:37:02
going to serve you moving forward? I'm obsessed. Have you read uh The Long Walk to Freedom by Nelson Mandela? No.
00:37:07
Oh my god. You have to read this book. Like when I say there are few humans I look at and go I don't think I could ever be that amazing. Holy hell. He was in prison for 28
00:37:18
years. And he comes out and he's like, no, no, no. We're not seeking revenge. That to to oppress is to give up your
00:37:25
humanity. That was his whole thing. And so he's like, I feel bad for people who oppress me because they had to give up
00:37:31
their humanity to do it. So I am certainly not going to come out and be the oppressor. That would make no sense.
00:37:37
So it's what I call the third way. This is me totally. He just didn't use those words. This is me ripping his ideas off.
00:37:43
But his whole thing was there there are three paths before you. Remain the oppressed. Not going to do that. Become
00:37:49
the oppressor. Not going to do that. The third way is to find that way of unity. And that's what he was all about. It's
00:37:56
the most insane story. Like nobody ever earned their bonafides more than Nelson Mandela by my estimation. And when he
00:38:03
comes out and says, "We need to find the third way. Only the path of unity makes any sense." And like just brought people
00:38:08
together and refused to to be in that victim category, was like, "Nope." Like what happened happened and now we build
00:38:14
from here. Oh man, that just like it gives me the chills every time I think about it. So anyway, that's intoxicating to me. I am so into that. But I
00:38:22
recognize the cultural momentum on the other side. And so I know how people end up getting just enough out of that that
00:38:29
they stay there. Quick one. One of the greatest tips I can give any small business owner listening right now is to
00:38:35
take risks. In fact, the biggest risk to your business will be taking too fewer risks. Complacency and comfort seeeking will harm your success. But taking risks
00:38:46
can be incredibly daunting. That's why I've partnered with Vodafone Business and their VHub, which offers free
00:38:52
one-to-one sessions with VHub digital advisers, and you can call up and speak to one completely free of charge,
00:38:58
sharing your ideas and getting input from someone who's knowledgeable on the topic and able to help you towards your
00:39:04
next business step. To find out more, search VHub by Vodafone. And thank you for Vodafone for sponsoring this
00:39:10
podcast. As you might know, Crafted are one of the sponsors of this podcast. and Crafted are a jewelry brand and they
00:39:17
make really meaningful pieces of jewelry. And this piece by Crafted when I put it on for me it represents
00:39:23
courage. It represents ambition. It represents being calm and loving and respectful and nurturing while also
00:39:30
being the antithesis of that, seemingly the antithesis of that, which is um sometimes a little bit aggressive with
00:39:36
my goals and determined and courageous and brave. The really wonderful thing about crafted jewelry is it's super
00:39:42
affordable. It looks amazing. The pieces hold tremendous meaning and they are really wellmade.
00:39:48
There's two points I want to make. I'm going to make them at the same time. The second one's a question. The first the other rebuttal that I think I've heard
00:39:54
before on the topic of personal responsibility is well Steve Tom you've got a a privilege of your mindset that
00:39:59
you I'm white so it's really bad for me and I'm a guy. But even your people would will look at the Tom they see before them today. The
00:40:06
guy that understands these ideas that has that ability to think through things slowly as you said but speak about them very quickly. There seems to be, if I'm
00:40:13
looking at 45-year-old Tom today, a huge amount of mindset privilege. That's how it seems. I'm not saying that is I know
00:40:19
some your your prior story very very clearly. So people say there's this mindset privilege where it's not easy
00:40:25
just to get up off the floor and just learn a skill. So when I hear this article, when I see this article about
00:40:32
it being my fault, I wish it I wish it was so easy. Tom, I've got chronic deep depression. The doctors have told me there's a cycle imbalance in my brain of a chemical. I I'm at the point of
00:40:47
wanting to end my life. So this article, it just makes me feel inadequate. It makes me feel like it's my fault. That's
00:40:52
what I I saw, I read, I felt. That's that's the thing where I go, what do we say to those that group? You ready? Yeah. It's all true. And if you have a
00:41:04
neurochemical imbalance, that really sucks. Like I can just tell you looking at my mom, I'm prone to anxiety. So
00:41:10
there is um I'm sure if when this all gets mapped out, it will become clear that I have markers for anxiety, whether they were epigenetic or genetic, but that I came out just primed to become
00:41:23
anxious. So that sucks for me because I've really had to contend with anxiety. Like this
00:41:29
is one of the biggest issues in my life. I think about anxiety almost every day. So, it is really a thing that I've had
00:41:35
to manage, especially for somebody striving in the way that I have. So, I'm constantly putting myself in the position of being anxious. I remember in
00:41:41
high school, I promised myself I would never again do anything that made me nervous. That was the word I used back
00:41:46
then, that I would never again do it. And yet, my adult life has been a betrayal of that promise that I made to
00:41:52
myself in high school because all I do is put myself in situations that make me anxious. So, but the striving and
00:41:59
getting better has been a reward of untold proportions. So, when I think about we all in some way, we all have it worse
00:42:10
than somebody else, right? So, somebody with Tourette's that sucks. I would not want to have Tourette's. Somebody that
00:42:15
gets multiple sclerosis, that sucks. I would not want that. Alzheimer's, cancer, heart disease,
00:42:21
whatever the thing is that makes your life worse, it really does make it worse. But the only thing that compounds
00:42:28
that problem is to lean into that that it sucks to be me. Whereas take Stephen Hawking, right? What are you going to say? What what advantage did he have? Right? Like he
00:42:39
literally couldn't move. So in his early 20s, he starts losing every function that he has other than his brain. And he realizes at one point, this sucks, but
00:42:51
if I in fact, he has a quote. Oh god, people are really going to hate this. Stephen Hawking, okay, quadriplegic
00:42:58
in a wheelchair, basically can blow in a straw and move his eyes. I think towards
00:43:05
the end, like he could only move one eye. I mean, it was crazy. So, this guy, there's just not a lot he can do. He's been spoonfed since he was like 30 years
00:43:11
old. Like, crazy. Crazy. Imagine not being able to like go to the bathroom by yourself forever. Like, every time. I
00:43:18
mean, crazy. So this guy says, "What I have found is that no one will help you if you don't help yourself." And it just is, man. We look at somebody who who
00:43:29
despite all of that is like trying to make contributions to physics or that, you know, ended up being htick and he just realized that I can actually get help from people, but not if I'm not
00:43:40
helping myself first. There's just something that we respond to. Are you optimistic? You talked about
00:43:45
this cultural movement. I'm freakishly optimistic, but because I need a belief system that is both true and optimistic, I don't want to fall for traps. And if I paint myself a falsely optimistic view
00:43:59
of what's real, I'll get tripped up. And so optimistic about that personal responsibility movement,
00:44:05
everything. Are you optimistic that oh that that will gain momentum? That that it will um lose momentum. It
00:44:13
has lost so much momentum just in my lifetime that the pendulum is swinging so hard in that direction. So, I don't know if it swings back in the next 5 years, the next 50 years. It will swing
00:44:25
back. But if now we're going to really derail. But I remember as a 16-year-old boy reading about Roman orgies and I was so angry because I was like, "How is it
00:44:37
possible that they were having orgies 2,000 years ago and me now in like the mid '9s, like my mom would have a seizure. I wasn't allowed to go see the movie Basic Instinct." So it's like I
00:44:50
was like, "How did we go in my sixth brain? How did we go backwards?" I was like I I feel betrayed by all the
00:44:56
generations between Roman orgies and now I was like how did we end up here? It's cyclical. Everything is cyclical. And so
00:45:03
once you understand the cycles one, it can be a little daunting. So if you read Ray Dallio's book, Principles for Dealing with a Changing World order, no. Oh, it's going to [ __ ] up your sleep. So
00:45:16
you're welcome. Thank you. But he uh he outlines he goes back he goes back I think to like 500
00:45:23
BCE but he really focuses on the last 500 years and he shows you this is all a loop and that there are only so many personality types and you can just watch culture loop and loop and loop and loop
00:45:36
and cultures build up and then they crash down. The next one builds up and then it crashes down. He's like it's freakishly predictable. It goes in six
00:45:42
steps, the cycle does. And there is not yet a society in the last 2500 years that has avoided this cycle that lasts about 100 to 150 years. So the reality
00:45:55
is that I'm like I don't think we get out of this cultural momentum quickly. M I think that the phrase tough men make good times, good times make weak men,
00:46:08
weak men make hard times, hard times make strong men, and you loop and loop and loop and loop.
00:46:14
And we have been in good times for a long time. And so I think we've I'm just going to keep doing myself damage here. I think we've gotten soft. And I think because of that, we are
00:46:26
headed for hard times. And I think the hard times will take care of any of the um values and belief systems that aren't useful in the acquisition of skills.
00:46:38
What do those hard times look like in your Oh Jesus. So this is fun. This I'm sure will be
00:46:44
the last time that uh I go on a podcast. Uh so just had Ray Deli out on my podcast and in his book he pegged civil
00:46:51
war in the US at a 30% chance. That book came out I think two months ago. he now
00:46:56
pegs our chances at 40%. So, we're moving in the wrong direction. Remember, this is the guy that spent inordinate
00:47:03
amounts of money researching um the movements of these societies. And he's just like, we as the American Empire, we are uh in mid to late stage five and
00:47:19
stage six is civil war and revolution. So, I think we're probably Look, here's part of why I love web 3. I think web 3 is the only thing I can see on the horizon that gives us a shot of bringing
00:47:31
back a thriving middle class, which is precisely what you need to do to avoid a bloody civil war or revolution. So,
00:47:38
that's part of the reason that I'm so gung-ho about it. I try not to be delusional, but it it gives me reason
00:47:45
for optimism. But, I think we are headed in the wrong direction. I think that we are getting
00:47:52
more and more divisive and I think every single person has to say to themselves I
00:47:57
have to race to the middle and right now people are racing to the extremes and they want to dehumanize the other side and look there are things like on the uh
00:48:08
personal responsibility side I'm not angry with people that are angry with me I'm like I need to find a way to like
00:48:15
meet you in the middle so that like we can both learn from each other and we can have love for each And ultimately
00:48:20
it's the friction between the two sides and that not everybody should come over to my side because maybe it's too um
00:48:26
it's too harsh and it doesn't show enough empathy for people word like hey I'm down to like come to that middle but
00:48:33
I need you to come to the middle right and so what ends up happening like you can look at these charts that show
00:48:38
whatever candidate presidential candidate in the US is or whatever party excuse me whatever party is closest to
00:48:45
the middle becomes the party that wins the election. But as you look at the graphs, they're just moving farther and
00:48:50
farther to the extremes. And so while the one that is closest to the middle will win, they're still both in the
00:48:57
extremes. So I'm just like, yo, I refuse to take a political identity. That [ __ ]
00:49:02
scares me. I think people are just putting themselves in a gnarly position. I'm over here channeling um long walk to
00:49:09
freedom like as quickly as I can trying to think just like unity, unity, unity, getting people together like yay. Like
00:49:15
as polyiana as I can make it sound like we just have to recognize that there are
00:49:21
two predominant personality types. Those that are more on the personal responsibility side and
00:49:28
those that are more on the empathy side and that we need both and we have to value each other. And I remember, so
00:49:36
I've been in business relationships in the past, not to dox anybody, but where I had partners that they just would butt
00:49:42
heads and make fun of each other all the time and just like the other person's a dumbass. And I was like, what are you
00:49:48
talking about? Like you're both extraordinary. And so I kept trying to get them to see it is the friction
00:49:54
between you that makes this magical. And so stop trying to convince the other person. Try to meet in the middle with
00:50:01
respect. try to understand where the other person's coming from, value their opinion. So my wife and I are we're
00:50:07
alike in a lot of ways, but in sort of a fundamental disposition, we're very different. And so we talk about that all
00:50:14
the time. I value that you see this differently than me. And hopefully you value that I see this differently than you. And let's use that friction to
00:50:21
navigate a more intelligent path forward. So yeah, uh to go back to your initial
00:50:27
question, I worry that we are headed towards either a civil war or a war with China or both. And that if China's smart, they're watching us going, "Yep, they're maximally divided." That man,
00:50:40
we're going in a real dark place. I've never talked about this stuff out loud uh on camera. And uh I think that the
00:50:47
war in Russia is going to create a food shortage. watch the All-In podcast because these are just crib notes. I've been watching and so as they were talking about in the recent episode basically that the food
00:50:59
shortage will be backs stopped by China. China will exchange that for military bases etc. We're going to continue to
00:51:06
fight in America over dumb [ __ ] that hardcore people should not be fighting over that we should be resilient and
00:51:12
coming together and you know loving uh our differences and all of that stuff and we won't be. So we'll be pulling in opposite directions. China will be getting stronger in the world stage and
00:51:26
in our moment of maximal weakness, they make a move for Taiwan and we have a choice to make where we either back down
00:51:32
and then we effectively forfeit our um leadership status in the world which will almost certainly mark the end of the dollar as the the global reserve currency which will be devastating. Um
00:51:45
or we fight and now we're in a hot war with China. either of those options suck. So, how do we find a diplomatic
00:51:52
solution? That is my obsession. And that brings me back to web three with just polyiana uh ideas abounding. But I I am
00:52:00
optimistic through all of that. You asked me what the bad thing look like. My hope is that we avoid it. But that is
00:52:07
the thing that I worry about. That's my disaster scenario. you're someone that's thought that through and I'm not surprised that you've thought that through in tremendous detail and it's something that's been you know another thing
00:52:19
that's been front of mind for you. So knowing with my presumption that I know the kind
00:52:26
of guy you are, I imagine you've also thought about the role you can play in stopping that scenario playing out.
00:52:33
Especially because you're a guy with great resource, with great intellect, with great intelligence, with a great with a great skill set, with a great
00:52:39
platform to tell stories, one that you're building. the last conversation we had some four years ago, you talked to me about this idea of bu building
00:52:44
almost a a more modern version of Disney with your with your content studios and
00:52:50
storytelling. So, what is the role that Tom thinks he can play in Yeah, man. Uh my hope is I can contribute. I certainly don't think that um I don't have the intelligence or the
00:53:02
temperament to be a world leader. So, I will just tell you right now that that is entirely off the table for me. I have
00:53:10
zero interest. Um, I don't think I'd be good at it either. So, let me be very clear. This is not me thinking, well,
00:53:15
I'd be amazing, but I just don't want to do it. I would be terrible. Uh, so yeah, I'm definitely not going to contribute
00:53:21
in that way. So, my way to give you one glimmer, I wrote a comic book with Steve
00:53:27
Aoki called Neon Future, which is entirely about Nelson Mandela's Third Way. And it plays out in a fictional way
00:53:34
between people that have augmented their body with technology and people that haven't. But it was me in a comic book
00:53:41
exploring those ideas that trying to point out. So you have this guy Kevi uh who is representing the third way. He has every reason to be angry, to strike back, to um kill, and yet his only
00:53:56
thought is of sacrifice and bringing people together. And but he's also tough and he's a badass and he's not a
00:54:03
pushover. And um that whole idea of the meek shall inherit the earth and meek being defined as the most dangerous person on earth who keeps their sword sheathed. Um you hear Bruce Lee talk
00:54:16
about this a lot. Sunzu, you know, the whole thing is be so dominant that nobody wants to fight you. So, and in
00:54:24
that you can actually choose peace instead of peace sort of being just because you're too weak to fight. Um, so
00:54:30
my hope is through story I can tell ideas that make people value differences that make them want to meet in the middle, that make them want to love and be loved. Um, and to of course adopt
00:54:42
personal responsibility with a plum. uh and recognize that they can get better and that nobody can stop them and that the world desperately wants for them to
00:54:54
come alive and to acquire skills that matter to them and build things that matter to them and unify and create
00:55:02
incredible things as a percentage. What do you think the chances are that that future of the US,
00:55:10
the global sort of Western power getting into a conflict or getting into a scenario that is potentially apocalyptic
00:55:15
with a Russia or a China? The exact scenario you described, do you think that's more likely to happen than not? I think it's less likely to happen as of today. I am too ignorant on the subject
00:55:28
to give you anything other than to parrot people who are far more educated on the topic than I. So, I want to be very
00:55:34
clear. I know my lane. Yeah. And so I have formulated a hypothesis based on other people's research. I have
00:55:40
not done the research myself. I would never want to be on national television asked about foreign policy. Like I would
00:55:47
just be the the worst person in the world. But Ray Dio's assessment of the situation is so astonishingly well researched and he's been in the thick of
00:55:59
it for decades. He spent hundreds of millions of dollars just on research of global trends and movements. And so when he says that he pegs US civil war at
00:56:10
about 40% and uh uh US China conflict at about 40%, I just trust it. So, but that
00:56:18
that is literally me blindly paring. Quick one. We bring in eight people a month to watch these conversations live here in the studio when we're here in the UK and when we're in LA. If you want
00:56:30
to be one of those people, all you've got to do is hit subscribe. A light a more light-hearted topic. You said earlier about Lisa and um one of the
00:56:37
things you said is that you fundamentally have differences at a fundamental level, right? Um me and my
00:56:42
partner have fundamental differences and as I said earlier with your um the content you put you put out together
00:56:47
about relationships and love have been really profound and important to my relationship with my girlfriend. And
00:56:53
that's why we frequently send each other the clips. I've had my some of my best friends in fact send me the clips to
00:56:59
because you make sense of things together from both perspectives, the male perspective and the female
00:57:04
perspective in a way that's quite liberating as someone that's going through those things. Um, central to having differences, which
00:57:11
me and my girlfriend discovered we had is communication. Something that I think you listed as like number one or two on
00:57:17
your list of nine things to sustain a 17-year marriage in the the whiteboard list that you and Lisa
00:57:23
held up that time. And you you said obsessively communicate. That's what you said. Um
00:57:28
what how does one of the things that I I definitely struggled with and I want your advice on is h what are the
00:57:34
principles of that healthy communication that ego-free communication that you and Lisa have adopted?
00:57:41
Never lie. Okay. Which would make your life in the moment temporarily easier. I can't tell
00:57:47
you the number of arguments that we'll be in and she'll give me an out where she's restating my thesis a little bit wrong but it would end the argument and
00:57:58
all I have to do is say thank you so much that means so much to me that you understand that and I'm like that's not
00:58:04
quite it and I know that when I restate what it really is it's another hour or two of arguing but you got to do it
00:58:11
because then you can actually get to this is where I am at help me understand where you're at and then let's find the way forward. But if you never here here
00:58:22
is the the big problem. Most people do not take the time to articulate to themselves what's bothering them. So my whole thing and and this drives my wife
00:58:33
up a wall when we're in an argument. She likes it the rest of the time, but say in a single sentence what's bothering
00:58:39
you. Most people can't do it. And I'll stop her. You're waffling. Stop. say it in a single sentence because you don't understand it well enough and therefore we can't get to it. And so she holds me
00:58:51
accountable to the same thing. If I'm all over the place, then she's like, "Hey, single sentence. Give it to me so
00:58:57
I can actually understand where you're at." Most people they can't. They can't get to a single sentence or they don't
00:59:03
want to get to a single sentence. They want to like, but it's all of these crazy things. It's like it's impossible
00:59:08
to deal with. So give me a single sentence summation of what your problem is. No commas, no parentheticals, no
00:59:15
run-ons, a single sentence. I'm feeling insecure because you uh didn't pay attention to me when I asked you if you wanted to go on a date this weekend. Word. Now, I know right where you're at.
00:59:30
But if you don't want to acknowledge that that made you feel insecure, now we're arguing about the tea, as my wife
00:59:35
and I call it. The biggest argument my wife and I ever got in ever, was over a cup of tea. We were screaming. We were
00:59:42
on our way to a wonderful vacation. I actually turned the car around and was like, "We're not even going. We're going
00:59:48
home right now." And literally when I turned around, I was like, "This is over a cup of tea." I'm like, "There is no
00:59:54
way that we are arguing about a cup of tea." To the point where I am turning around and we're not going on the vacation that we've taken in whatever at
01:00:00
that point it had been like 18 months. So I'm like, "What's this really about?" And so then we got to the real issue and I realized, oh my god, in communication you have to admit your flaws, your
01:00:13
insecurities. Like you need to immediately go, okay, I'm angry and I know that when I'm angry, it's because I'm insecure. What am I insecure about?
01:00:19
Oh, I'm insecure about this. Oh my god. And then you just own it. Here's what's really going on for me. And now you can
01:00:27
process through and get to where you really want to be. But most people assume they're angry because the other
01:00:33
person is wrong. And once you assume you're angry because the other person is wrong, you're never going to get to the
01:00:39
real issue. And so Lisa and I are very good about okay, what's really bothering you? And then you and of course when
01:00:45
you're in it, it just really does feel like they're just wrong. And so I'm I'm mad because they're wrong. But uh I have
01:00:50
a just belief system that you end up getting triggered because you're insecure. And so we have to figure out what was the insecurity that got
01:00:56
triggered so we can address that and figure out the path forward. So interesting. I I was thinking of so
01:01:01
many times where I waffled for the first hour of a conversation argument with my girlfriend and then an hour and 30 in
01:01:08
I'm able to crystallize it as something that I I remember was in Peru with her maybe a month ago and we're arguing
01:01:13
about I don't even know what but an hour and a half in I crystallized it to a single thing which reflected an insecurity I had from my childhood and
01:01:20
then one it's so funny because when I said that to her I go you know what it is when I grew up my mom and dad and I
01:01:26
explained it to her the argument completely done. Yep. It was like she finally understood.
01:01:32
And yeah, there's something about dropping your guard in such a way and kind of holding up the mirror to yourself that pacifies and shows you've
01:01:40
arrived at a place of honesty and not seeking victory. Word. That's so you gave me the chills.
01:01:45
That's spot on. One of the things that Lewis House here, a new good friend of yours and mine, he
01:01:51
said when he was um talking to me about relationships is that he met his new part partner Martha and he said to us
01:01:58
straight up, you won't be my first priority and he listed the things that would be his priority. So he said my
01:02:04
mission, my vision, whatever else it was. And then the third thing was like our relationship. Now, when I looked at
01:02:10
that whiteboard that you did with Lisa, number seven, I believe, no, number nine, I believe, was this marriage is our first priority. It says, yeah, on
01:02:22
the nine lessons we learned over 17 years of marriage. The number one, the the number nine thing on that list was
01:02:27
make your marriage your highest priority. And that sits in conflict with what Lewis said to me. So, I'm like,
01:02:33
he's telling the truth. Is it both? Is it? Well, so it it will be a question of results. So, Lewis, you know, I love you, brother. Uh, so I will just say
01:02:44
this, that he was honest with her is amazing. And that's going to buy them several years of like, he told me, I
01:02:51
understand, but I believe relationships require too many sacrifices for them not
01:02:57
to be the thing that you reinforce as your highest priority. And if it isn't giving you more than anything else gives you, then it will always lose out. And
01:03:08
so ultimately, they will either be living parallel lives. Anybody that chooses this, you'll end up living
01:03:14
parallel lives where you each have something that's more important like kids, which is one of the reasons that
01:03:19
Lisa and I didn't have kids because we were both honest like the kid would be our first priority, which means that each of us would fall into second place.
01:03:25
And did we want to do that? And so that was part of why we didn't have kids. And I think that's right. I think that if you're going to raise kids, yo, they
01:03:32
need to be your first priority. Um, but I don't have kids, so whatever. There are probably people that have way better
01:03:37
advice than me on children. But anyway, that was part of why we didn't have kids. And
01:03:44
a relationship is massive compromise. Massive. That's so interesting because he said
01:03:50
the opposite. Oh, no. No. He said, "Don't compromise anything." It won't. It won't. Anybody who takes
01:03:56
that I want to make this about Louis so dearly. No, I know. just different perspectives, right? Yeah. I I will say that uh
01:04:04
I've got a 20-year marriage uh to back up my my thesis here. Um and if a relationship is compromised because you have two people that view the world in even slightly different ways that want slightly different things. And so I
01:04:19
mean Lewis has made it clear that there are two things that are more important. So there's going to be constant
01:04:24
collision and friction there. Um I think we have an innate desire as a human being to be somebody's number one
01:04:30
priority. And I have found in my own life that there is nothing more extraordinary, nothing more uplifting,
01:04:36
no high higher than being somebody's number one that is your number one and you love and respect each other and you have a thriving sexual relationship and
01:04:49
it it is it is the most profoundly joyful thing I've ever experienced in my life. It's stabilizing. So, the people that have the strongest home life take the biggest risks. I remember when I
01:05:01
heard that, I was like, "Whoa, that really makes sense to me." Because I will say what I say to myself all the
01:05:07
time is, "Hey, I'm building this thing. I'm really putting myself out on a limb trying to build this company. If it all
01:05:13
goes to nothing and the whole world thinks I'm a [ __ ] at least I have my wife." And I'm just like, "Oh, yeah.
01:05:19
Word." Like, I will have my wife. Like no matter what other people think, if I continue to honor her in the way that I
01:05:25
honor her now, I will have my wife. And so the only thing I fear, I don't fear going broke. I don't fear losing my
01:05:32
business. I fear losing my wife because the outsized return that I've gotten out of this marriage compared to what money
01:05:38
has brought me or um whatever micro fame that I have, like it it's awesome. Money
01:05:43
is awesome. The micro fame is awesome, but it's nothing compared to my wife. Nothing. Nothing. So, I mean, it's just, oh my god, it's incredible, man. It's
01:05:54
incredible. And so, that to get that requires sacrifice. It requires attention. It requires making it your first priority because otherwise there's going to be a moment where one person needs that. And they realize that
01:06:07
they're giving that up, right? And the thing is though, from anybody's perspective, if you'd asked me at the
01:06:13
like when we were first dating, I would have said the same thing. There's no way we just got together. You know what I mean? So, you're not going to be my
01:06:19
number one priority. So for me there was a line in the sand when I decided to propose. That was a very difficult thing
01:06:24
for me. I really thought about it man. I debated it. Is she really the one? And finally I was like well I'm either never
01:06:31
getting married or I'm marrying this woman cuz I have never felt like this. Like she feels worth the sacrifices all
01:06:37
that. And once I proposed there I never once thought about it again. There was no cold feet. There was never like oh
01:06:42
should I shouldn't I? Once I made that decision it was everything. So my advice to anybody in that situation is there
01:06:49
should be a line where you say, "And now because of what I want this relationship
01:06:55
to become, I'm going to make it my number one." Now look, I've built extraordinary businesses even with my
01:07:02
wife being my number one priority. And she isn't the thing that I allocate the most time to. And that's important to understand. But she's my number one
01:07:08
priority. So if ever she came to me and said, "Hey, I really need you right now, but there was something really important going on in the business." I'd be like,
01:07:14
"Word." totally unconlicted. Awesome. What do you need? I'm here. Which has happened many times. So on that, it's
01:07:21
actually nice to Jaco Willing's point of discipline equals freedom. Um, knowing that she's my number one, that I don't need to be conflicted. If ever those two any two things collide, it's always
01:07:33
Lisa. There's like a piece in that. Is there anything you wouldn't compromise? So, I once told Lisa, I
01:07:38
said, "Look, I'll give up virtually anything for you, but don't ever ask me to give up my ambition because I don't
01:07:44
know who I am without it. And I don't know that I want to. And look, I'm very thoughtful about in my back pocket, I
01:07:50
keep Buddhist style detachment so that if ever I got overwhelmed, it wasn't fun anymore, whatever, I would just pull out the detachment. And I know how to do that. And I know how to not um
01:08:01
strive. I know how to loosen my bonds to desire and wanting, which is, by the way, something very wise for everybody
01:08:07
to get those tools in place, especially if you're a stver. But I love it. I love
01:08:14
the pursuit. I don't need the wins. The pursuit makes me feel alive. And business is the only game I found that
01:08:20
you can play until you die. And so, there's something really awesome about striving to be the best. Even though I
01:08:27
don't know, I've in all of my years in in 46 years, you were very kind to lowball my age earlier. Uh, in 46 years,
01:08:35
I have never found myself to be the best at anything. And yet, the pursuit of being the best has been one of the most
01:08:42
thrilling rides of my life. It comes with the cost, right, which is for you have been the most severe cost
01:08:48
that you I've heard you name is living with that anxiety, that feeling of anxiety. Was there a place that you went
01:08:54
to? Because for me when I went to when I go to barley my girlfriend lives there at the moment. When I go there and I'm
01:09:00
out of the business striving ambition da da da social media all the time mindset
01:09:07
there is a different level of peace within me. So sometimes my brain goes well Steve if you know that there's another place you could live without
01:09:12
feelings of anxiety or whatever why don't you just go live there and strive in a smaller way outside of social media
01:09:18
and huge public scrutiny. Yeah. I'm presuming there's a place where you felt [ __ ] there's no anxiety when I'm in
01:09:23
this zone. Yeah. And I think the right answer is I ask myself a slightly different variation of that same question. And it
01:09:30
goes like this. Do I still want to strive enough to make it worth not going and doing that peaceful stress-free life? Which for me would be writing? Just write full-time. I have enough
01:09:42
money. I never need to work again ever. Not a single day in my life. So every day that I choose to go to battle, I'm
01:09:48
choosing to go to battle. And so the second that the answer is no. I actually it isn't worth it anymore. Then I would go do that and I would just write. And knowing that I have that in my back
01:10:00
pocket is extremely liberating. So I know at any time I can stop. I can detach. I can not continue to pursue this. And that has allowed me, it's like this magic trick that allows
01:10:14
me to carry a lot more weight, to deal with a lot more stress because I know every day is a choice. And so that
01:10:20
allows me to have fun. It allows me to remain playful. It It is like when I think about how much stress I've taken
01:10:27
on in my life with business. I wouldn't have been able to do it if I couldn't imagine a life that would be just as
01:10:34
awesome. And so there's a parallel life where I'm a writer and I chill and spend
01:10:40
time with my wife and you know whatever, learn languages and just [ __ ] travel around, whatever. Like that'd be
01:10:45
awesome. I would love that. So, um, I just love this one a little bit more. But if I if this diminished in its joy, I've got this other thing that would be so dope. So, yeah, I don't have any sort
01:10:58
of like, oh my god, what would I do? And I remember, so I've proven this stuff to myself. And look, never teach something
01:11:03
that you isn't like you're not living it. That every word out of my mouth, I live. And I realized that I could very
01:11:13
easily just detach myself from the success, the achievement, the whatever. Because when we left Quest, it was like, oh, just
01:11:25
done. And it wasn't hard for me in the slightest. Like Lisa really was part of her identity. So for her having been a
01:11:31
founding member of Quest, like it was hard. Like in fact, I still think she sees it as like her child, whereas like
01:11:39
people will almost remind me, oh yeah, that's right. [ __ ] I did build Quest. I don't think about it. It's not a part of
01:11:44
my identity. It's just not my brain isn't wired that way. I don't um I don't cling on to things like that. So for me, it's like I want to feel good about
01:11:56
myself when I'm by myself. I want to have fulfillment and I want to do things that I love in and of themselves. And
01:12:03
because and and this is the one thing that haunts me. In fact, this like I say this and I think people think I'm kidding, but I actually worry about this
01:12:09
in myself. So I have one thing in me that is problematic. It's the very thing I have to struggle against in business. Like I'm constantly having to course correct. When people hear me teach the
01:12:20
opposite of this is because it's the lesson that I need to constantly remind myself. I really believe you can do anything you
01:12:27
set your mind to, but not everything. And that really bothers me. And I'm not sure why, but I have something in the way that I view the world, my belief system, my value system, uh the natural
01:12:40
rewards that I get for um like even in this podcast, we've covered a lot of weird things. And I can talk pretty deeply about a lot of different topics
01:12:53
because I love that [ __ ] I want to be able to go deep on a lot of different things. I don't want to do just one
01:12:59
thing. And so that is the the one thing that haunts me is I I can I could give something up and go do something else very easily. My identity is not tied to this that or the other. Um but I want to
01:13:13
do everything I want to do. Why? The question I get asked the most is Tom, how do you find your passion? And I
01:13:20
walk people through the process. You don't find it, you build it. Now, one thing that I've I worry about is because
01:13:27
all of our minds are different and because there's a region of the brain that I just recently learned about for
01:13:33
determination where they can hit you with transcranial magnetic stimulation, hit the region of your brain that deals with uh determination and you'll be like, I can do it. I know I can do it.
01:13:45
What can you do? I don't know. I just know I can do it. So, they can actually trigger this sense of like, I won't stop. I'm going to do it. but you have
01:13:52
no idea what it is that you're not going to stop doing. So, there's all these weird things. So, anyway, there's a
01:13:57
region in your brain for motivation, which only reinforce this idea in my head that maybe I'm just really good at
01:14:05
building desire. And so, over my life, I re one I react to things very strongly.
01:14:11
And then when I like something, I pour myself into it and I remind myself how much I like it. And I tell other people
01:14:16
how much I like it. And I do it in this embodied way where I get really excited. And so I've reinforced all these things
01:14:22
in my mind that I really like. Like I really like Japan Man. I really like anime. I really like manga. I really want to make like those essay anime videos that people do and like get into
01:14:35
some really obscure anime. And I want to watch every anime on Netflix and like write books about that [ __ ] and write
01:14:41
books about why as a storytelling format. It's just different, man. Like I'm obsessed. But I also want to learn
01:14:46
Greek. That would be dope. Learning Greek like with my wife. I'm super passionate about that. At one point we
01:14:51
were going to move to Greece and I was going to learn. I promised myself at one point I would get published in Greek like this whole thing. I also want to
01:14:57
write a book. This mindset stuff, man, it's really like a big thing for me. But by the way, nothing gets me like
01:15:03
storytelling. So I really want to tell my stories, but I also like video games. So it's like, yo. So all of these things
01:15:11
speak to me at a level that's like screaming passion where I am passionate. I could live an entire life where I was an anime scholar. I didn't discover anime until I was in my 40s. But now I
01:15:23
could live I am not kidding. I could become an anime scholar and live an extraordinarily joyful life. So I have
01:15:30
to be really thoughtful. And people that take my course uh hear me say this a lot. You're standing in a room with a thousand doors. your job is to close 999 of them. The problem isn't finding a
01:15:42
door to walk through. It's shutting the doors and only walking through one. That's the hard part. And so, my life has been a never-ending series of frustrations that I can only really excel at one thing at a time. But it's
01:15:56
not confusing to me that every 10 years I've completely reinvented myself. Wow. It's remarkable. you you have an ability to focus and achieve great things while
01:16:10
still being having that kind of predisposition as you describe it to be obsessively deeply interested in so many
01:16:16
things at the same time to that extent but it shows Tom it shows in your deep understanding as you as you said of of
01:16:22
topics I feel like I could ask you about anything and I feel like you would that isn't true but I would tell you the things that I don't know I'd be like I
01:16:28
don't know [ __ ] about it but yeah we have a closing tradition on this podcast let's do it
01:16:33
where the previous guest writes a question for the next guest Tell a specific story of someone in your
01:16:40
life who helped make you into the person you are today. What did they do specifically that made you into the
01:16:47
person you are? Oh, that's a great one. Okay, so I will preface the story of how she did it with my one of my favorite stories about my
01:16:58
wife. So long before my wife became an entrepreneur, she had um she had really influenced me in like a Jerry Maguire way where it was like she believed in me when nobody else believed
01:17:10
in me even when I was struggling to believe in myself. Like she just had an irrational belief in myself in in me.
01:17:16
And I often think back to who would I have become if I hadn't met her because I was in a dark place. I didn't have like it's not like I had all the beliefs that I had now. I didn't have any of these beliefs. I thought I was not smart
01:17:28
enough. I did not think I could accomplish. And so my wife in many ways manipulated me in these wonderful ways
01:17:35
to get me to see what she saw. And it was empowering and it made me, yeah, yeah, like I really can't do this. And it really is that moment in Jerry McGuire where he's like, "Yeah, this is good. Like, keep coming." Like she would
01:17:47
just do that at these critical junctures in my life. And so long before she became an entrepreneur, I I don't
01:17:55
remember what happened, but I was weeping, man. I'm not a crier. I I was like ugly crying, like having a hard time catching my breath. And I was like,
01:18:07
you're never going to get enough credit for how you've shaped me. That I wouldn't be who I am if it wasn't for you. And remember, I found my wife when I was 24. So, I went on one date with
01:18:20
her and never looked back. She's the only woman I've ever said I love you to in a romantic way, as my mom likes to
01:18:25
remind me. Uh, and she really really shaped my brain. She shaped my beliefs. She shaped my motivations. like you know a a woman to whom you are sexually attracted there's
01:18:38
almost no end if she's got like real emotional wisdom there's almost no end to which she can motivate and encourage and um yeah shape you like she's just
01:18:50
she's my best friend she's my lover and with that she has all of the the levers at her disposal to help me maximize my
01:18:58
potential and she has openly pulled those lever lovers and made me believe and encouraged me and supported me. Oh my god. And so just like all of these
01:19:11
things. And so one day somebody asked me like, "Who's had the biggest influence on your life?" And I was like, "My wife." Like that's just so self-evident.
01:19:17
It's the one. You could remove anybody else from my life, even my mom. And I know she doesn't want to hear that. And
01:19:23
I would fundamentally be similar to who I am. Wouldn't be the same. My mom obviously had tremendous influence on me, but I would not be anything like
01:19:35
what I am if I hadn't been married to Lisa. Like, it's just crazy. It's crazy the thousands of little ways, little
01:19:42
moments where she's in my head like, you know, encouraging me or making me question a decision, making me think
01:19:48
smarter about something. I was just crazy. So, she loved the idea of behind every great man is a great woman. And she was just so adept at like, "Go ask
01:20:00
for this. Go talk to this person. Push on that." And I was like, "Ah, I don't know. Like, that makes me feel uncomfortable." She's like, "No, no, no, trust me. You've earned it. You're worth it. Push for it." And I would push for
01:20:13
it and get it and be like, "Whoa, what the hell?" So, it was it was just extraordinary. And so yeah, that was a
01:20:19
very long answer to that question, but Lisa, a beautiful answer, very inspiring, and
01:20:26
um so much truth in that for so many people that are listening. And I and I do hope, you know, when we part of the reason we have podcasts and we have
01:20:32
these deep conversations that are full of context is so that people can understand intention. They can have
01:20:38
conversations that aren't always comfortable or that that don't fit in 280 characters and that aren't meant to
01:20:43
fit in 280 characters. and they can um see the intention and the experience that sits behind it. And that's why I
01:20:50
love having these conversations. But that's why I love talking to you. I could talk to you forever because I it's like I know how many books you've read, Tom, and your ability to have condensed
01:20:57
the the sort of key part of the wisdom in so many things in those books, but also in your own life through self-awareness is the most amazing thing
01:21:04
ever. I'm going to say this because I feel like people need to get the roses sometimes. There's a lot of people in
01:21:09
the self-awareness game. There's a lot of sorry the self sort of development content um personal development space
01:21:16
however you want to define it you are by far the best in my view based on what I think matters someone that has immense
01:21:28
knowledge is able to deliver it but in a way that's engaging and wrapped in storytelling
01:21:34
and then maybe the fifth is just this humility and this honesty so I've said this to my friends privately when they say what what's this guy like what's
01:21:40
this guy going Tom's the best. Tom is the best. And whether you realize that or not, whether it matters or not is
01:21:45
there, it doesn't matter. But for me, you are. And you're the guy when, you know, if a video pops up or if it's you
01:21:50
and Lisa making a video together, I'm like, I don't I don't necessarily need to understand the subject matter, but I
01:21:57
know the guy and his thinking and his in intention and I know the way his brain thinks. So, I'm going to get a ton of
01:22:02
value from this. I'm just telling you to your face because I say it behind your back. That's extraordinary. No, it's true. It's what I say behind
01:22:08
your back. Um, and I I was perplexed when I first met you at your house some 4 years ago. And I thought, [ __ ] hell. It's funny
01:22:14
cuz it makes me realize how much I I can improve in the most positive way, you know, in terms of my delivery, in terms of my ideas and my thinking and my storytelling. It's really made me like
01:22:25
inspired by by how much I the space I have to grow. Um, so thank you. Thank you for giving me your time today. I know you're incredibly busy person, man. Thank you for one of the most fun interviews I've ever done. This was a
01:22:36
lot of fun. No, it really was. It was awesome. I had a few words to say about one of my sponsors on this podcast. As the seasons
01:22:42
have begun to change, so has my diet. And um right now, I'm just going to be completely honest with you, I'm starting
01:22:48
to think a lot about slimming down a little bit because over the last couple of probably the last four or five
01:22:54
months, my diet has been pretty bad. Um and it started to show a little bit really over the last two months. I go to
01:22:59
the gym about 80% of the time. So I track it with 10 of my friends in a WhatsApp group in this tracker online
01:23:04
that we all use together. And so one of the things I'm doing now to reduce my calorie intake and trying to get back to
01:23:10
being nutritionally complete in all I eat is I'm having the Hule protein shake. Thank you Hu for making a product that I actually like. The salted caramel is my favorite. I've got the banana one here which is the one my girlfriend
01:23:21
likes, but for me salted caramel is the one. [Music] Heat. Heat. [Music] [Music]