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I took 16 000 therapists there's only three things wrong with every person that turns up at your door first of all
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Marissa up here the worldwide renowned therapist was royalty International CEOs and Olympic athletes this woman definitely knows a thing or two thousand
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about how we take control of our thoughts eighty percent of your success is down to your beliefs but it also it
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damages so many people because if you're thinking I'm not good enough smart enough attractive enough your mind's job
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is to make your thoughts real even if it's not true a classic example of sex so many of my clients couldn't conceive
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because their husband didn't have enough sperm but when men have sex with a stranger they triple their sperm count
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and really damages so many people because it's an impossible expectation to live up to so many people have
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affairs not because they don't love their partner because they're missing out but it's all about what you have
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chosen to believe so you've got to reverse that language and the other thing that people do a lot it really
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messes up your sex life to call your partner mommy or daddy because Marissa how do I avoid sugar it seems to grab me food has memories not the
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chocolate it's the feeling you felt when you couldn't have it and you can give yourself the feeling without the thing anyway it's really easy too how should I
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hypnotize you so we can change it let's do it now okay close your eyes and here's the magic sentence that changes your life
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I got hypnotized in this episode Marissa hypnotizes me to completely end my sugar
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cravings and you're gonna see it happen and you're gonna find out if it works so stick around
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[Music] Marissa I've been trying to figure something out I've been trying to figure out if we get
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to choose our beliefs and I actually wrote about this in my book recently and I I feel like you're
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the person to ask this question because I know that our lives are governed by these beliefs that we have about the world ourselves and everything in
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between but can we choose them I think so you know when I was here last time you asked me about my childhood which I
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don't talk about a lot it wasn't awful but it also wasn't amazing but the beliefs I had then
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so totally different to the beliefs I have now because I chose to give myself better beliefs because you know you make
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your beliefs and then you'll believe turn right around and make you and then confirmation bias means you look for
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proof of what you have chosen to believe and you'll find it so if you say oh I hate cats they're vicious things that
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scratch you they're really Aloo for I don't like dogs they're Barker yappy horrible things then if you believe that
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about a dog and you meet a dog you'll feel so anxious that that will become true but if you say oh I love dogs
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they're the most loyal gorgeous loving things then you'll have a different energy around them
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so you should choose your beliefs you should constantly upgrade update question nobody where did I get that
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from is that true who told me that belief and even if it's true for them does it have to be true for me you know
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I see a lot of women who say things like well you know if you're really famous and Rich you'll never find a guy because
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a hundred years ago that was probably true men didn't go for Rich successful women because they wanted them at home
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but it's not true now so your grandmother's belief is not your belief I love my daughter's generation who
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don't do body shaming or fat shaming and have a whole different language which I think is so refreshing
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so you can always choose your beliefs and you really should constantly check why do I even believe that is it even
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true because so often it's not true at all it's just something you've been taught or you've just gone along with it
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anyway so in the case of cats then you know I like all animals but cats I do think you know the way you describe them they're a little bit scratchy yeah sometimes a little bit you know Annoying not as loving as dogs maybe I'm gonna
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annoy a lot of cat people here um if that is my belief if I say to myself okay no cat's a
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wonderful they're lovely you know they're fantastic they don't scratch Etc I feel like I'm just lying to myself and I you know this is the case with
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self-belief as well I could I could say that yeah I'm amazing and attractive and
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all these things but in my subconscious mind after getting I don't know bullied at
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seven years old by a kid that called me fat and whatever else am I just not lying to myself well I
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think you should lie to yourself I think you should lie to yourself I think you should lie cheat and steal every day of your life lie to your mind cheat fear
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and steal back the confidence you were born with so it's imagine you're going for an exam you go I'm gonna fail it I'm
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gonna mess it up I've got a terrible memory I know when I read that paper my mind's gonna go blank and I'm going to
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blow it so that's a belief but you could also say I've got a great memory everything I
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studied for this exam is in my head when I read the paper the questions are going to come up and
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I'm going to remember the answers and I'm super chilled at exams I'm cool calm collected I'm going to ace this exam so
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if you repeat that over and over again you see the subconscious doesn't think it just feels and if you say I'm nervous
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I'm so nervous and you the subconscious feels that then when you're nervous the Mind shuts down all the blood rushes to
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your heart and your mind empties it's like if you're crossing a road in a and I don't think should I go left right
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forwards back would you just move because in fear you don't think you move so when you're scared your mind empties
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I remember years ago I was coming home and this guy was following me and I knew he was following I knew I had minutes to
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get in my door and I couldn't get the key and I couldn't remember which I did I'm like oh my God I have all the times to forget how this key works I lived it
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for five years but I was so scared I couldn't remember how to open my door at all because when you're scared your
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brain empties so if you go into an exam going I'm scared I'm nervous You Won't Do Well if
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you say I got a great memory I love exams I'm excited about this exam I'm so excited
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I'm going to be assessed I'm going to do really well or I'm going to this assessment I'm going to ace it this person is going to love me and see that
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I'm so smart and my answers will show them that I know I'm talking about the mind doesn't go oh come on that silly
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the Mind goes okay whatever you say you make it real your mind's job is to make your thoughts real the subconscious doesn't think it only feels and if your mind's job is to make your thoughts real
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in your job is to think better thoughts all the time so imagine you're going to have a needle stuck in your arm
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you go oh that's going to hurt and that's going to be so pain but you could I always read my phone and if you cough
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just as a needle goes in it confuses your mind and you don't feel it is that lying or is it just taking your mind somewhere else that's the because I I think if I can
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choose my beliefs then I can unchoose beliefs but I couldn't do it again a single belief I have now that I could
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genuinely unchoose I can see it yes but I think I'd still believe it yeah but the thing with the mind is there's a couple of rules of the Mind One is let me give you a couple that will help you
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every thought you think is a blueprint that your mind and body work to make real every thought you think has a physical reaction and indeed an emotional response and here's another
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one the Mind learns by repetition so when you think a thought a lot over and over again it becomes real if even if it's not real so if you think a thought my neighbor's driving me crazy they're
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so noisy I can never sleep I can hear their television they're getting on my nerves
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it'll become your reality if you say it's a little bit irritating but I can put my headphones on I can tune out then
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you'll have a different reaction to the same event you know we don't have to change events we have to change how we
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think about the events it's like saying oh this commute to work is killing me you know this this being on this freeway
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is driving me crazy but someone else will go wow I'd love to be on you've got a car and you're going to a job and you're getting paid that's my fantasy dream come true
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don't have to change a thing you have to change how you think about the thing so that is changing your beliefs and the
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belief is really just the thought you think a lot so you're born as a blank slate where did you get those thoughts
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from who gave them to you so the beliefs you think you can't change where do they come from let's do they
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know where do the beliefs you think you can't change come from so I think one of the recurring beliefs
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I've had about myself yes which I think goes back a long as long as I can remember to be honest is that I am
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fundamentally unorganized unorganized okay we'll be surprised to hear that because I'm very I'd say productive my
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output is high but the organization of my stuff even if you looked in my bag it would be like a jumble sale my house as
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well if I didn't have a cleaner I think it would be you know it'll be like a bomb had gone off in there I heard you
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saying actually on a podcast that when you go your hotel room is very messy and it upsets you but not enough to make you
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change it you've been listening no you're right I think there's there's a habit or something that I've built
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into myself where I think I've told myself it's faster to be messy yeah and but then the the dissonance or the the issue that I take with it is that's not who I want to be I want to be a messy
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person I want to be someone who comes into the hotel room goes into their suitcase and hangs everything up so that
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tomorrow is easier what happens is I dive into the suitcase pull my gym equipment out and run to the gym and
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it's something I want to change because it's almost like this concession in my life where I've gone well that's just
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who I am I'm just a messy person and I think we'll label ourselves and of course when you do that now you're
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making it really say no I can't spell but my dad couldn't spell and now it's genetic so every time you say I'm just a
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messy person the strongest force in you and everyone in the world is you must act in a way that utterly matches up
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with how you have chosen to Define you so if you start by changing that and saying I love being organized it gives me such joy to be all I love putting So when you say it say it say it
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it will start to change so if the last three weeks have been staying in a place with an amazing gym and I started to a
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love working out with really really heavy weights because you know I got run over and I started to get muscle weightage in my leg I was going I love
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heavy heavy weights I love it and I was really a Pilates yoga person but for the last three weeks I get up and I'm in the
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gym at half seven and go I love heavy weights and I I didn't like it before but I just I decided to say it over and
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over again because when you say State and affirm something your mind must make it real so all you have to do really is to start saying a lot I love being organized it gives me immense joy to put
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stuff away I love it when everything's in its place and I'm in a hotel and sure I run when I come back I put my gym kit
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in a particular place and I love that feeling of being super organized and very quickly it will start
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to change because you're thinking a thought that your mind has no choice but to make real
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but it's also true you know you think a thought but and you your mind can't help
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it it has to make you know we do that we did that thing with a lemon didn't we where you think you're eating a lemon we ever done that what's that what's that
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well let's do it now so put your hand in front of your mouth yeah imagine you're holding half of a great
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big fat juicy lemon close your eyes and just put that lemon right up to your nose and breathe in that amazing lemon smell because nothing really smells quite like
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a lemon now squeeze that lemon so hard so that lemon drops pucker onto the surface
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stick out your tongue lick off the lemon open your mouth really wide and shove that entire lemon into your mouth and I want you to start sucking and biting and
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chewing all the flesh literally just bite into that lemon until the lemon drops burst onto your tongue and your taste buds pucker and swell as you start
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to chew that lemon suck that lemon swirl that lemon all around your mouth keep eating the lemon suck it chew it swirl it around and then open your eyes
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did you start pumping out saliva yes I did and so here's a question was there a lemon no there was no lemon that's true
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there was no lemon you could also say yes which is also true they're both true no there wasn't but yes there actually
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was where was it where was the lemon that was making you make saliva in my head in your head yeah it wasn't
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anywhere else it was in your head just do another one put your own right arm out towards me and just swing your arm
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behind you as far as it will go and have a look at where it's going just look behind you to notice where it is bring
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it back I think you went up to like the third book on that bookshelf I want you to imagine close your eyes and tell your
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mind my arm's gonna go a third further I'm now like a bendy Barbie and Ken doll my arm is so flexible it's going first I want you to imagine all the muscles in your right arm becoming super flexible
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like cooked pasta open your eyes put your arm out and say to your arm you're going a third further now you're like a pretzel you're super flexible go
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a third further swing your arm back and just watch as it goes a third further now look at how far it's gone
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um you are only up to the third book before so what happened then um I just believed my arm was going to go further and it did yeah and you see and
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for men I get men who say you know I I can't please my wife I can't get an erection I can't keep it going and and
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she's going to leave me and if I tell them other things you know you're a great lover you can maintain an erection for 20 minutes or 10 minutes or the
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average is about four and a half minutes that starts to happen they don't do anything else they said listen to
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recording that says you have longer erections you can have a great sex life you can wait until your partner orgasms
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and it all becomes true because every time they say but I can't do it it's all over in a minute I can't please her or
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him they actually make that real but when you just change a thought you know there's a song called Love Changes Everything by climbie Fisher but actually thoughts change everything
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when you think of thought it's such a game changer erections yes it's so interesting because in my friendship group with my male friends we've spoken about
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sex life libido erections a lot yeah um we've all struggled in different ways at different times with this and it it's one of the areas in life where it's so
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clear to me that thoughts are the problem and the solution yeah because again if a man thinks about sex looks at pictures looks at a movie and gets aroused you get a very physical reaction
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straight away even if there's no one in the room with you so that's a classic example of thinking a thought about
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being aroused turned on feeling sexually attracted and your body makes it real even there's no one there and it can be
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at a wedding coming event it can be highly embarrassing for Guyton to get an erection in the wrong place but if you
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think a thought I'm turned on here the body means it does it for women too but it's not so obvious for us we can kind of hide it
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but yes it's a thought I can't do it I can I'm gonna fail I'm going to succeed do you work with people often that have sexual dysfunction all the time is it
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becoming more popular or more prevalent in your view I think people are more able to talk about a lot of women countries I can't
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orgasm I'm I can't orgasm at all I don't know what to do all my friends having massive orgasms but me the more I try the harder it is
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I don't think that's true apparently our grandmother's had more sex than us but I think now we have all this pressure we
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watch porn we watch other people talking about their amazing sex we think oh I'm not like that but it's very easy to make
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your body super orgasmic but I think before we didn't talk about that my grandmother would have never talked
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about orgasms or having a design a vagina or a Brazilian even know what that was so
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we're in a different generation now where you know every year there's another way to hate your body even your genitals
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have got to be perfect now and I think it's so much pressure for people I've got to look like a porn star have sex
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like a porn star and porn really damages so many people because it's such an impossible expectation to live up to seems that pressure as it relates to sex
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it's the enemy yeah of course especially for I can only speak from a guy's perspective because that's what I've ever been but if there's ever pressure
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in the bedroom there is zero chance on getting an erection of course because comparison is a thief of joy
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and we're so busy comparing ourselves to porn stars and someone who looks like the Kardashians who has a perfect body
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and everything's perfect it's not really like that have you ever worked with men that have um sexual dysfunction issues
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yeah a lot of them with premature ejaculation erectile dysfunction all of it I've got a friend who I would say if
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it was me okay because I feel like I I like to be honest everyone's got a friend it sounds like I'm talking about
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something like talking about myself but there's a couple of things I'll talk about from my own perspective in the sexual department but
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um my friend was in a relationship he was in the relationship for a couple of years and then halfway through the relationship
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he could no longer keep an erection and he was talking to me a lot about it and then he ended up ending the relationship because he had convinced himself it was impossible to change that and in fact I
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know a lot of guys that struggle with this and there was a point where I was one of them where I just seemed to get
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this thought in my head about sex and I struggled to to keep an erection but also just to keep myself hmm to want sex yeah
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there's gonna be people listening to this right now that are in that situation where something has just changed every time they go to bed it's
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just this high pressure situation yeah um they they can't get an erection therefore they're avoidant of having sex
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what do you say to those people you know it's really interesting because we we want intimacy we think I want to
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fall in love with someone that finishes my sentences that knows when I'm hungry that knows I'm having a bad day that
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just knows me inside out and loves my very soul which is wonderful but what great sex
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requires this mystery what eroticism requires it's not intimacy at all so in the beginning even for the first it's all new you don't know what they're going to do how they're going to do it it's all very exciting it's all new and
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so for men especially you know it's great maybe for the first two years and then it's like oh like one of my clients
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said every time my husband comes to bed with just his pajama top on and they want sex but it's so unromantic I mean
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he just doesn't bother to put the pajama bottoms on it's like oh God is that his idea of foreplay I mean how many people
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say you know it's always every Saturday morning before we go and do the food job and it's so predictable
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many people have affairs not because they don't love their partner but because they're missing out so you have
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intimacy which is like the love being in love and knowing each other and loving each other and you know not caring if your wife's got her period or your husband's got a bit of bad breath or
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their tired or they've got a cold you just love them anyway but then you have eroticism which is amazing sex great sex
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neuroticism really likes mystery suspense bit of edginess bit of naughtiness bit of the unknown and they
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don't go together they really don't go together at all but there is one thing that makes them go to and that's called
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fantasy there's a bridge that links eroticism to intimacy into eroticism and it's
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called fantasy well I think oh isn't that being unfaithful to my partner sure I shouldn't fantasize but
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actually Fifty Shades of Gray which was not a great book at all but it taught people a lot about oh I can fantasize I
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can read this book and I can pretend I'm Anastasia with Mr Gray and it that perfected so well because it allowed people to fantasize and so if
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you have a relationship of 30 years I mean I'm great friends with John and Missy but to be married for 35 years
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there are a couple that created a life book they live in Hawaii but they talk a lot about how they have a very erotic
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sex life after 35 years it's like red hot but they understand it's all about but a mystery bit of drama bit of suspense I'm very lucky that my husband I travel all over the world so we never
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have all Saturday night Saturday mornings have sex then go to Sainsbury's that's just not in our agenda so we
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always have a bit of newness going on but for men even if you love your partner so much when it becomes
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predictable it's like the throw goes you know that song about where's the throgon I've lost the thrill
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the thrill isn't there so you have to put a bit of work back into making your sex life thrilling and moving it away
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and so it's it's hard when you love someone but you know everything about them and they about you and it's like
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well there's no newness here obviously you know I go on holiday we have great sex why is that well you're not thinking
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about the laundry or anything else you can just really let go and you're in a different place and you can be someone
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else like you often hear about people going on holiday like girls do Ibiza and going wild and then they would never be like
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that at home because it gives you a chance to be someone else so sometimes in your sex life you have to take that chance and use drama mystery suspense
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edginess just like I was telling one of my clients I went home I went home and said to my husband dominate me so what
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shall I do she went well dominate me said yeah but watch as well that's the point don't ask me what how can you
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dominate me if I have to tell you what to do I want to feel overpowered by your maleness when you say well what shall I do you're more like a girl and a boy and
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I don't like that because of course Opposites Attract especially in sex even if we're a same-sex relationships
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Opposites attract and that's very exciting we're building together a long time they try to make
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their partner like them and they forget that Opposites Attract so if you keep trying to make your
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partner like you and they can try to make you like them then you haven't got the Opposites attracting anymore and then it kind of
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disappears and the other thing that people do a lot I mean My grandmother used to call her husband dad or daddy
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and that was a bit weird but that was maybe her it wasn't a sexual thing she said come on dad get out of the way and
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what do you want for tea dad and they they had no sex at all she thought there was the most disgusting thing in the world but the minute
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your partner becomes mummy or daddy and many women and the best of attention say
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things like have you taken your vitamins today you know where a code's going to get cold did you pay the bill I knew you
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wouldn't do that you're becoming either critical mommy or loving mummy and then we have the opposite some men
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are very controlling so you can't have that you're not going to have that they become controlling Daddy and the minute
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your partner is in any way mummy or daddy you can't have sex with them because who wants to have sex with their
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parents that's really weird and many people don't realize how as they say in a long relationship they take on the
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role of critical parent blaming parent judging parents and then you have no desire left so
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you've got to be very careful not to let that happen and especially when you have children and then you say mommy can you
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get Andy a um tissue Daddy can you get Susie her gym bag and even though you don't mean it you're now saying mommy daddy people do that with their pets even Daddy get um
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take Toby for a walk or mummy take and it's like it really messes up your sex life to call your partner mommy or daddy so interesting it is isn't it even when
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you were saying then about the lady that came home and said to her partner dominate me and he went how no he said
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what shall I do yeah which is like it's it's the antithesis of domination but it kind of speaks to
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10 years of him just trying to please her you know yeah but also there is bad Community she should have said hey you
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know what you do you do the sandwich you go hey you know we've been together for seven or eight years and we're great but
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you know I've got this thing I would love you to dominate me like this I'd love you to pretend to be the postman or
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the gardener or I'd love you to pretend to be someone it would really excite me if you could do that because then it
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would just be exciting and then they go oh okay I get it I've got to pretend to be the postman or the gardener or
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and I was a lot of women who couldn't conceive and this is where I learned this from so many of my clients couldn't
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conceive because their husband didn't have enough sperm but when men have sex with a stranger they triple their sperm
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outtake and when women have sex with a stranger their cervix to suck up the sperm so when I realized it's a great
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book called sperm Wars it tells you all look I thought okay so I wrote them like I said okay this is what you've got to do you've got to go home
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pretend you're I don't know when I asked you would ask and your husband but you mustn't speak because that's going to
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ruin it and then have sex but make have some kind of go to a hotel of course the men love it has to talk no no talking
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just act out this fantasy because he will triple his sperm outtake your cervix will tilt and it's like it's like
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IUI it's like um you have more sperm and so many might have said well I got pregnant you know I've tried all this
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over going up the road to the whole day and pretended he was like the plumber or anything at all
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and that word we got pregnant like that because he made so much more sperm and so isn't that interesting that wasn't about fantasy it was about how can you get more sperm how can you become more
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fertile what can you do and these were just silly little things that help men and women who were trying really hard
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over had a low sperm count get pregnant why does that happen why does the sperm count triple in the cervix tilt well let's imagine you know that we're in a tribe and there's some people there
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and nature the human species must go on so for men when they impregnate the same
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person over and over again they've made her fragment many times but a new person if you get a new person pregnant
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straight away that's how the human race continues you know one of my friends was
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telling me this story about in New Zealand with the Rams and he said you know you would buy the male Rams and
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you'd drive them to the field and they could smell the film as they started ramming the door that's why they called Rams and when you finally get there you
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open the gate and they charge out they have sex with every female when they come back they've lost half their body
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weight in a really bad way but they have to have sex with every single female and every you so it's just an evolution rate of making
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sure the species goes on so what does that say about monogamy but this is not nature doesn't care but
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nature cares about this species continuing nature doesn't care about monogamy that its role is to make sure
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we continue but yes of course we want to be monogamous so what do you do we use that very thing if if being with someone new excites me and gets me going why
00:27:15
can't I pretend my partner's someone new and of course you can you can do all kinds of great things you can introduce
00:27:21
newness don't always have sex in the same place at the same time it's a little tiny bit of effort but do
00:27:27
something to make it new and exciting so you would recommend spending time apart as well yes I mean I've been with my
00:27:33
husband for 15 years we've only spent 11 days apart and we work together so you know that thing about living over the shop so we work together we're together all the
00:27:45
time but we have a great sex life because we both understand what makes it tick which isn't necessarily being a
00:27:52
part but yeah being a part's great too because you can't wait to come back to that person a lot of people will listen
00:27:57
to all of this and think God I'd love I'd love to do that I want him to turn me into a maid and tie me up and
00:28:03
surprise me or whatever but if I even mention this to him he would look at me like I've got you know a tail
00:28:10
or look at me like I was weird well part of having a great relationship is doing for the other so I if I said to my
00:28:16
husband I'm not hungry so we're not eating I'm not tired so we're not going to bed I'm not cold so the heating's not
00:28:23
coming on he'd look at me like I was mad because part of that is I'm not really hungry but you want to go out for dinner we'll go I don't really want to go to
00:28:30
this event or I don't want to watch go to a football match but it's important to you so I will go because in a
00:28:37
relationship if you do for each as if your partner says I would love you to put a little Maids out and run around with the dust it
00:28:43
would be so amazing I don't want to do that isn't that drug do you think well maybe I could just try it once if I
00:28:49
don't like it and never have to do it again maybe it would be red hot it's not about being objectified
00:28:55
so if you love someone and assuming their fantasy isn't dangerous or painful or super weird why
00:29:03
not just see if you can do it and then then you can say hey if I do that you can do this because it's trading all the
00:29:09
time and there's nothing wrong with that that's the same thing my house if I'm tired my husband will say I'm going to
00:29:15
make you something to eat or I'm going to drive it I'm going to do that for you because he loves me and I'm the same with him but people think oh I shouldn't
00:29:22
why should I have sex I'm tired why should I do that and the worst thing I don't want sex anymore so you can never
00:29:27
have sex again either which is very weird because why would you condemn your partner to no sex ever just because you
00:29:35
don't want to have sex and imagine if it's the other way around because isn't a relationship doing for each other even
00:29:40
if it's not really your thing I think this is fascinating I looked at the back end of our YouTube channel and it says that since this channel started 69.9 percent of you that watch it
00:29:52
frequently haven't yet hit the Subscribe button so I have a favor to ask you if you've ever watched this Channel and
00:29:58
enjoyed the content if you're enjoying this episode right now please can I ask a small favor please hit the Subscribe button helps this channel more than I
00:30:04
can explain and I promise if you do that to return the favor we will make the show better and better and better and better and better that's the promise I'm willing to make you if you hit the Subscribe button do we have a deal
00:30:17
to ask on this because I'm just thinking about all the conversations I've had with my friends recently about sex and their relationships and I've got another
00:30:23
friend who is in in a relationship it's become a sexless relationship he's staying with her I think because because she's really nice but why has it
00:30:33
become sexless um that's a good question that I wouldn't know and without asking him but I'll
00:30:40
tell you what he's he's told me he's told me how much he wants to have sex with other people
00:30:45
and he actually described it as like a Temptation that he just he is like as if he's possessed he says every five minutes someone will walk past and I think about having sex with them like he's absolutely obsessed with it but not
00:30:57
with her not with her um she wants to settle down because she's at an agent's phase of life where she feels that she kind of needs to hurry up that's what these are just
00:31:09
words that I'm repeating that he's just told me and so he feels a bit stuck where he's got this partner who wants to
00:31:14
settle down he clearly doesn't want to settle down and he's thinking about having sex with everyone else and he's
00:31:20
not having sex with her and that's how he's escaping he probably doesn't want to settle down have children but feels
00:31:26
he should sounds like he wants to be become a successful and now he's thinking about having sex that's his way out you know oh he can't say to her look
00:31:34
you know I love you but I'm not ready for that that five years down the line for me so his mind is doing it he thinks
00:31:40
he wants to have sex with everyone but her and his mind because of his time thing because his mind is saying you're not ready you're not ready you know
00:31:48
often we have dreams that say oh I'm not ready or wow I thought I wanted to do this but my dream said oh no you don't
00:31:53
want to do that at all but the desire he's with other people is his body saying you are not ready to be with her
00:31:59
you'll be with anyone else but her and you should really just tell her the truth and say look I'm not at that stage you're at I'm I'm
00:32:07
just not ready for that yet because you see when the you can't open your mouth and say I'm not ready or I'm not
00:32:14
comfortable I'm not happy the body goes I'll do it I'll do it for you and I see that with all my clients not just
00:32:20
sexually when you can't say one of my clients told me years ago that he got fired from his job and he
00:32:26
couldn't tell his wife that every day picked up his briefcase and went and sat in the park and then he got really sick
00:32:32
and then she said you're so sick you can't go you'll have to resign he went okay and he never had to tell her that he'd
00:32:38
lost his job because the body made him so ill he would have lost his job anyway so you know I love this expression the
00:32:45
feeling that cannot find his expression in tears will make other organs weep and so he's got a feeling that he can't
00:32:52
express and when you can't open your mouth and go I don't want to do that the body said I
00:32:59
do it for you and it finds really peculiar obscure often really unhelpful ways of doing it for us
00:33:06
how does he know though that it's a case of him not being ready or even in my case when I was 24 25 years old I just self-sabotage any sign of
00:33:16
commitment so let's talk about that so let's go back to your 24 years old oh for my entire I mean it starts at 14. so
00:33:23
it's a 40. yeah 14. you're 24 and you fancy people and you're a very good looking guy and you've obviously had some relationships tell me about the self-sabotage it started with Jasmine
00:33:37
Jasmine was with a guy called I probably shouldn't name him but I'll call him John
00:33:42
Jasmine and John Jasmine and children they were in a relationship I really fancy Jasmine she's gonna hear this but
00:33:47
she knows already fancied her for about three years pursued her doggedly from like 14 till 17.
00:33:53
really 18 and there was a day where like Jasmine gave me a chance finally she was
00:33:59
in a relationship with this guy called John um and on that day I got terrified and I kind of remember persuading her out of
00:34:10
it even though I'd pursued her for years and then as I look through my early sort of twenties the same sort of recurring
00:34:16
Behavior pattern showed up where I would any sign of commitment I would come up with a reason why I couldn't commit sure
00:34:22
I'm busy I need to become a millionaire this will get in the way of my work so what you were doing was the oldest trick
00:34:28
in the book you pursued Jazz when she wasn't available she was with someone else when she became available you
00:34:34
thought oh no because now she could reject you now she could say when she was with someone else it was a dream I'd
00:34:40
love to get that girl wouldn't you have the chance it's like oh she could find out I'm not worthy she
00:34:45
could find I'm not good enough sorry I can give you context as to how it felt the idea of commitment felt like prison
00:34:50
of course yeah you've said that before and so of course if your end goal is commitment is prison
00:34:57
being stuck with one person is prison your mind says I've got to get you out of this so it's all fine to have flings
00:35:04
but the minute commitment comes up you back out because that's going to jail you don't want to do that so that's
00:35:11
really normal when you say things like oh I'm going to be tied down I'm nailed down oh that's it now no more fun and people say things like you two are one now and
00:35:22
may all your promise be little ones and and sometimes we don't like that it's like oh I don't like that idea and all
00:35:30
the vows about to love honor and obey to forsake all others we think do I really want that but you were adamant that you
00:35:37
didn't want that that a relationship was prison so when you tell your mind I don't want it
00:35:43
the Mind must get you out of if you say oh god I've got to give that speech I don't want to do it I want to do it I want to do it don't be surprised on The
00:35:49
Daily speech you wake up with chronic diarrhea a terrible cold and migraine in your mind because she said you didn't
00:35:55
want to go and I'm so cool I got you out of it because the mind listens every thought
00:36:01
you think it listens to it's like a genie your wish is it come answer your wishes I don't want to be in prison of
00:36:07
commitment I'm happy to date but when it gets a little bit serious the Mind goes let me get you out of this
00:36:14
and we don't do it in logical ways you know self-sabotage procrastination and nothing more than the fear of either not being enough or not wanting to go where you think you're going you know there
00:36:25
are people who apply for a job get it and they never turn off on the first day or think God I work that and I don't
00:36:30
want to I thought I wanted this I don't want it I thought I wanted that person I actually don't want them
00:36:36
and so for you the thought that a relationship is prison so powerful that it would make every
00:36:43
relationship unravel including Jasmine so now let's go back to your friend yeah so how does he know that it's not just some like I don't know
00:36:54
unresolved traumatic issue that's stopping him and being avoidant of committing to that individual or if that
00:37:01
individual is not right and I think it's the the case with like jobs and relationships and everything in our life how do we know that it's not just some
00:37:07
trauma response that we're having or if the thing we're avoiding or rejecting is
00:37:13
actually not right for us when you think okay my life without this person would it be better or worse so rather if I have an argument with my husband we don't argue a lot but I
00:37:24
always imagine my life without him and it's so much worse in my life with him occasionally annoys me he's got some he
00:37:31
can put get a tea bag and have it everything is a kitchen in like three minutes flowers say wow how do you do
00:37:37
that I just don't understand how you can do that but you have to pick your battles in a
00:37:43
relationship and when he really annoys me I just think okay imagine if he wasn't here and that I thought oh no I
00:37:50
wouldn't like that maybe not here for a couple of hours but forever so you know because of how you feel but you see
00:37:56
you know we're all taught this you know you found your other half but you're not a half you're a whole you can't find
00:38:01
another half to complete you because you're not half a person but a lot of us are taught you know you're going to find
00:38:07
the handsome prince it's going to live happily ever after well that that isn't true there's never one person ever that
00:38:13
could complete you or meet or your needs and so you have to be a realistic in a relationship you have to put your needs
00:38:20
into three parts okay I've got a need my husband must always tell me where he is he must call me he must tell me when
00:38:26
he's if it's two in the morning I don't know where he is I don't like that he must be honest honesty is a
00:38:31
non-negotiable need for me so that's a need that has to be met need for tidiness
00:38:37
is that really important I can do it myself you know by the time I have an argument with him about the Tea Bag I've already
00:38:43
put it in the bin and put a bit of bleach on the kitchen counter and it's all done so the second lot of needs you
00:38:48
might have to meet those needs the need to have a tidy kitchen the need to have I don't know organic groceries delivered
00:38:55
maybe you can do it as soon as you've got to pick your battles and the third set of needs you just got to give those up some needs are just not important
00:39:02
enough to fight about now my daughter is an artist and artists are very messy and if you go
00:39:08
look at the mess and go what mess I can't even see it so with my daughter the need to her to have a tidy bedroom I
00:39:13
learned to shut the door don't even go in there if I go and they go well she's happy do I need to have a happy daughter
00:39:20
or a tidy daughter's bedroom a happy daughter was actually more important so some needs you must have your partner
00:39:26
meet some you've got him even some just give them away it's really not not worth arguing about
00:39:32
you reminded me when you talked there about thinking about meeting Prince Charming and Perfection I went into a Bookshop
00:39:38
the other day um as I sometimes do just for inspiration you know and I bumped into a lady who recognized me
00:39:45
um actually took a photo of her because the conversation really stayed with me it's not it's not often that I take a photo from with someone else I say please can I have a fight with you just
00:39:50
so I remember this conversation and what she said to me in that conversation was reminiscent of many other conversations
00:39:56
I've had she was a a woman she's just over the age of 30. I think she was 32 31.
00:40:02
and she was actually in that book shop looking for a book that would help her solve her romantic and relationship
00:40:08
issues she said to me which is a message I've had before from close friends of mine I'm over 30 now I'm looking for a
00:40:14
guy I've never been in a relationship I've been working very very very hard and she says she's excelling in her career people have told me to that I
00:40:21
just need to go to the gym and work out and I've tried that um and I still can't find this person
00:40:26
and the other sentence I remember she said I don't want to settle and I've got people close to me in my life many
00:40:32
people that have are in almost identical situation so much so that I sent that photo with her to those people and said
00:40:38
I've just met you in a Bookshop and it helped me to actually understand them better because to know that there's many
00:40:44
many people that are in that situation then they've got this kind of societal clock yeah that's saying you better do
00:40:50
it quickly yeah what would you have said to her to help her so I just said first of all what are
00:40:55
you doing people said I'm looking for love okay that's great where are you looking where are you going they go well I go to yoga any men there not really oh
00:41:03
you reminded me of something she said she said I've tried dating apps those don't work people tell me to meet people in public but how'd you do that yeah so
00:41:10
people tell me they're looking for love all the time I'm looking for love where are you looking describe your weekend I
00:41:15
went to yoga anyone in a yoga class not really and then I went to my friend's house and then I went to a book reading
00:41:22
for any man there not really and then I went out with all my girlfriends we all looked the same we all went to the same
00:41:27
bar a lot of competition so actually you're not looking for love at all because you're going to places where men aren't
00:41:33
and then men say I'm looking for love where are you going I mean the weight were many women there they're all in the yoga class so if you really want to find
00:41:40
love you've got to be proactive first of all sit down and think what kind of person do you want I mean what qualities
00:41:46
do they have what are you looking for you know normally say I'm I'm looking to buy a house but I've never I've never go
00:41:52
to an estate agent and look at the brochures I just think the house will turn up I'm looking for a job I'm actually going to yoga I'm going to I'm
00:41:58
not going for any interviews we'd say well you're not really looking for a job are you when I look for a house I've got brochures coming in I'm going to look at
00:42:06
I'm going to look at houses till I find the right one so if you want love sit down and think about what you want make
00:42:12
a list don't return to six pack and gorgeous or ten I think of the qualities what is this person like and then decide what is that person looking for you might have to up your game a bit and
00:42:25
then think about where is this person they're not in yoga but they're somewhere and once you've decided that
00:42:32
you're worth love that's the the most important bit and you can put yourself around people you'll find love easily
00:42:39
but we're so busy trying to change ourselves so you have to take some time because the only thing you need to do to find love is first of all every day so I'm worthy of love I am
00:42:51
worthy of being loved I deserve to be deeply loved and I am worth it and if you think oh when I say that I feel
00:42:57
really stupid then say it more until you don't feel stupid to think no actually it's sinking in now so I'm putting
00:43:03
lotion on my skin it is going in it is having an impact so say it state it affirm it a lot I deserve love I'm
00:43:10
worthy of Love who couldn't love me I'm deserving of love and then when you've got that part right and you
00:43:17
know that if you don't think I hope when I go on a date I'm good enough for them well what about thinking
00:43:22
are they good enough for you so you've got to reframe that don't keep saying I got to
00:43:28
make myself I've got to chase love pursue love get in shape to find love be perfect to find love you've got to find love just by being you so work on
00:43:39
knowing you're worth it that's some 80 of your success will come down to having an unworth IT mindset think of the
00:43:45
person who think of where they are and then get out of the yoga and go to the weight room if you're a girl if you're a
00:43:51
guy get out of the weight and go to the yoga put yourself around the people you want to be with and you'll end up with
00:43:57
them she did say a line to me which I just remembered which is I've started to think that there's something wrong with me yeah and it's there is a clear
00:44:04
pattern in the people who are in that situation that I know that have started to engage in vocal negative self yeah
00:44:10
and self-disparagement and apps of course there's so much like going to a Chinese restaurant with a menu that's 20 people think oh I don't even know what
00:44:16
to have now there's so much variety I've I've now I've got to page 20 I forgotten what was on page one if you go to a
00:44:22
restaurant with a little man you think okay I'm gonna have that so apps with masses of variety lots of people I mean
00:44:28
they show you a good thing how many people are looking for love just like you so you're not weird or a freak
00:44:34
apps are good to show you wow all these people good looking people are looking for love but maybe come away from the apps and
00:44:41
and start to talk to people you know talk to people thinking as you're talking about dating
00:44:46
apps I've never been a prolific dating app person because I've been busy but also I'd never had success on them until
00:44:53
people knew who I was sort of in a public capacity and then you can't I can't use them anyway so but going back 10 years I do remember using dating apps
00:45:00
swiping through and you'd see like really beautiful people and like oh I want that one you'd swipe right on them
00:45:05
and then the ones that would swipe left and you were just you know they were just not the ones you were looking for yeah and because you understand the
00:45:12
value of anything by the context in which you see it by seeing 50 Beautiful People yeah but then
00:45:18
getting the ones that are less than even if there was less than people it's not not not waste not a nice way to describe
00:45:23
them the ones you didn't deserve yeah um are perfectly okay because you've seen them in a context where you've seen supermodels yeah you're never going to Value them yeah of course and also you
00:45:34
know I was thinking about people that are going on those dates that are searching for Mr Right or Mrs
00:45:40
Right are we less valuable when when we're in search of something yeah definitely that's the problem right well it's it's
00:45:48
one thing is to say Hey you know I'm I've got a great life and I've decided you know I'm ready to be with someone
00:45:54
amazing I want to share my life with someone who wants to share that I'm quite I'm okay if I don't find them
00:45:59
I got a great life but I'm I'm kind of open to finding the right person now is rather different to needy I need someone to complete me I don't want to be on my own I hate being alone I I need to find
00:46:11
my mate my partner so you almost need to be at a level where you you're happy and you've got a great life but you want to
00:46:18
share it rather than I'm incomplete without that person there's something wrong with me people just say to me why
00:46:25
are you not married I'd say I don't know just lucky I guess because I hated the option of what's wrong with this I
00:46:30
always have that pattern I don't know I guess I'm just very lucky from the age of 20 to 25 yes everyone I pursued
00:46:37
romantically once I'd even got past the commitment issues didn't want me and I always reflect on it and go when I really wanted someone there must have been something I was doing yeah
00:46:49
they knew that you would jump them they they knew that you had a commitment fear that sort of probably came out of your poor so of course they jumped you before
00:46:56
you dumped them because your behavior and some of the things you did or said or even didn't would have let them know
00:47:01
that you had a commitment fear and so they just got out before you did even they wouldn't they weren't even I got rejected a lot in that face from like 2025 and I reflect on it and go how come
00:47:13
those five girls that I pursued I really wanted that like you know I'd start listening to Adele and think of them
00:47:19
like you know went into the frenzy all of them rejected me if it wasn't it was all of them they all picked up something from you because it was one you go oh well it was them yeah
00:47:31
because I thought I've had five wives a lot of disappointment have they had five husbands no well then it was you I was talking to a
00:47:38
client I've had five wives they all disappointed me I said well you were the disappointment because they couldn't all
00:47:44
disappoint you you must have wanted Perfection which he did and you can only ask for Perfection if you're offering
00:47:50
Perfection which none of us can offer only conclusion from that chapter in my life was there must be like a thousand
00:47:57
micro Expressions that these people are picking up on that actually indicating that I'm low value yeah and I do you
00:48:03
know I couldn't fake it I read all the books about you know I read this book in this matchmaking book and this book
00:48:08
called The Game the mystery method I watched all the documentaries and the only reason it changed in my life was
00:48:14
when my actual opinion of myself changed yeah of course because you didn't value yourself and you know if you have this belief I'm not good enough and you fake
00:48:22
it people pick it up they know instinctively they can't help it because it's at a level Beyond communication
00:48:28
where you have a low sense of worth people pick it up and when you have a high sense they pick it up too but when
00:48:36
you fake it you're still faking it so that's why you've got to get to that level of hey I'm so great when I was in
00:48:43
I was in Zimbabwe just before I met John and I was they put me in a honeymoon suite
00:48:49
and it was an amazing place they could say oh this is so sad you haven't got a husband they don't understand that why
00:48:54
have you got a husband this is not normal and I thought you know I'm so happy and I thought I'm re as a second
00:48:59
time in a month I was also teaching in comedy but being a honeymoon suite again that really was the best room in the
00:49:04
house and it was a big honeymoon so I thought well you know what I love being in here I didn't think oh this is so sad
00:49:09
and so the second I was at honeymoon I was thinking you know what if this is as good as it ever gets I'm on my own in
00:49:15
this amazing place in Zimbabwe in this amazing with two baths outside and two showers and two of everything I'm okay I'm really happy and I was married 10 months I didn't even know John well I
00:49:28
knew him but we weren't dating because you have to get to that level of thinking
00:49:33
yeah I came home I knew John our kids went to the same school I came home from Africa in September met him in October we were married the following August but I got to that level where I was so happy
00:49:45
being just being by myself the I didn't chase him or think oh my God I need this it was just like oh here you are and how do you know you and you're a great guy and it all worked out
00:49:57
perfectly but you have to get away from the neediness or I'm running away from it avoiding it or desperately looking for in your case looking for thinking it's a prison you have to be at a level
00:50:08
of I'm ready but I'm happy anyway and then from 25 to 30 the next five years the thing that changed in my life was I became um what other people would call
00:50:21
successful she had business success now it's funny because someone will look at that and go okay well for the next five
00:50:27
years from 25 to 30 you had money so it attracted people whatever right yeah but I know that that's not the full story I
00:50:34
know that I think the success changed my beliefs about myself of course it did I just think I stood
00:50:40
differently and I of course you did and you had a sense of self it's not that I'm rich but it's like I've created this
00:50:48
I'm worth something your sense of self-elevator because of what you've done and achieved and you grew up a bit
00:50:54
too and so your sense of self went up and people like people with a strong sense of themselves it's very attractive
00:51:01
it's actually very sexy confidence is really sexy a sense of who you are is very sexy for men and women so without knowing it that's what you got and from 25 to 30 in that period I no longer had
00:51:14
that issue I felt that I could attract someone that I wanted if I pursued someone I thought I went into it
00:51:20
thinking you know the choice is going to be mine yeah and uh the least humble where I possibly can and I fell in love
00:51:25
with someone and I've been with them ever since I was actually working with someone who won the lottery and he was I
00:51:31
said you know what happens when I won the lottery women became more orgasmic I said you know that happens all over the
00:51:36
world when men win the lottery their girlfriends become more orgasm yeah I don't understand it and it was he
00:51:42
couldn't understand it it was a bit of a joke that of course they became more orgasmic because he became so attractive
00:51:47
to them because he'd won the lottery so that was very funny makes so much sense so people are going to hear that
00:51:53
and go so you can't think that's what I I came to learn from that 10 years ago I say it's all my friends now I give them
00:51:59
I give them I give them this uh oh everything I know about some of the books I read about how to be high value and then I tell them the story that
00:52:05
between 20 and 25 yeah I read all these books and I still couldn't do anything about it so reading the books is not enough because you can't fake it and I
00:52:12
say to some of my best friends and it's one of my close girlfriends I said um it's almost like there's a thousand
00:52:18
little micro expressions of low value that we we give off in language is just it's a new form of communication versus
00:52:24
the like thousand tiny things we don't know we do which which tell the person that we don't value ourselves we have no self-esteem and we're not confident if you're looking for self-asseme anywhere
00:52:35
outside of yourself you're not going to find it if you're looking for self-esteem out there with the jasmines
00:52:40
of the world or someone unless you're looking for in here you're never going to find it so stop looking out there
00:52:47
self-esteem is not out there it's in here and just spend some time saying hey um I can elevate my sense of self-worth self-value self-image you see
00:52:59
self-esteem means if I say Stephen I hold you in the highest of esteem that's what I think of you but self is
00:53:05
important I think of me and what happens is we start to poke holes in our self-esteem by saying I'm
00:53:11
not good enough I'm not rich enough smart enough attractive enough qualified enough
00:53:17
and you've got to go back and go no I I can raise myself see my matter just the way I am I matter I'm enough I'm lovable
00:53:25
and you know my dad always had the job of any school is to raise the kids self-esteem that's more important than learning Latin or Sport and all schools
00:53:35
their job is to raise kids up and parenting too your job as a parent is to raise your kids selfish but nobody teaches us that we think oh no it's organic broccoli and making you safe and
00:53:47
making you learn Mandarin to send you a good school no your job is to raise kids
00:53:52
with good self-esteem and then they'll have relations with who've got good self-resum if it only
00:53:58
will work on self-esteem the world would be so much better how would you have what would you have done with 20 year old Steve if he'd come to you and said listen Marissa I've pursued all these
00:54:08
women they all seem to not value me yeah well I would have gone right back to look at what was happening when you were
00:54:15
growing up what was going on with your mom and dad where did you get these beliefs from what happened to you you
00:54:22
know it's not what's wrong with you it's what happened to you should never say what's wrong with you what happened to
00:54:28
you in your formative years what did you see growing up with your mum and dad what did you see so if we look at you
00:54:34
know Paul McCartney Who Loved Linda and all his children have got very secure relate Stella's got four children amazing parent Mary he's got three children but they're very happy they've
00:54:46
stayed with us because they they learned what they live you learn what you live what did you learn what did you live that you learned which was that marriage is a horrible place you can't escape
00:54:58
from it's punishing it's not a place of sanctity or love or support something completely different
00:55:06
I also think I just learned that I was at a very young age that think maybe that I learned that I was unlovable at some some level because I think about being a black kid in an all-white
00:55:18
area where your house is like dilapidated I think that's the right word well you can't never brought anyone home never brought a girl home in the 16
00:55:24
odd years that I lived in Plymouth never brought anyone home no one knew where I lived I had this like constant shame
00:55:31
yeah shame and I showed up as if I was a confident kid like you know it was an ax
00:55:36
yeah and you weren't home feeling a scent you see one of the I taught 16 000 therapists
00:55:42
all over the world and I teach them so there's only three things wrong with every person that turns up at your door only three things one of them is I'm
00:55:49
different so I can't connect the next one is I want something that's not available to me and the third one is I'm
00:55:56
not enough there's a lot of versions I'm not smart enough good enough but when you told me that little boy who was a black kid in a
00:56:03
white world living in a shambolic house never bringing people home straight away you're saying I was
00:56:10
different and if I'm Different I can't connect because we connect by being the same because I like Postman pets so do I
00:56:16
I like pasta so do I I like Barbie so do I oh you're my friend but when you're different you can't connect so you you first had that first thing I'm different so I can't connect what I want
00:56:28
being the same as all the other kids is not available to me and if you think you're unlovable then you have to think
00:56:34
you're not enough but of course that's what you felt the truth is you're deeply lovable just the way you are but it's
00:56:41
very hard when you don't feel it so when you you know your feelings the most real thing you have and we're always trying
00:56:47
to use logic but logic doesn't work because in a battle between emotion and logic emotion wins every single time so
00:56:55
the emotion of being this kid who felt different not enough not the same you can't logic that better yes you can achieve a lot and work hard and be a millionaire remember John Lennon said
00:57:07
the thing you can't hide is when you're crippled inside and so you're trying to fake it till you make it but then you
00:57:13
just end up feeling like a big fake you have to go back and look at okay I felt different but here's an interesting thing if our greatest fears to feel different it must have been on the same as everyone because that's our greatest
00:57:25
fear to be different we used to be cast out for different vanished for being different but actually if you fear being
00:57:32
different all right that means you're the same as everyone because you've got the same fears and what wasn't available now you've
00:57:39
made it available many years ago and you're deeply level and more than enough that you have to kind of go back
00:57:45
and look at that old scenes again but that's not me anymore of course it's not me so just stating why it isn't you is
00:57:52
actually one of the most transformational things you can ever do as we're so busy looking for how it is us you know here's a rule of the Mind
00:57:59
whatever you look for you will find whatever you focus on you get more so when you look at how it's
00:58:05
still you or still there or still bothering you then you'll find it and interesting I
00:58:12
think when you look at the mess in your room you remember the shambolic house and that's why it bothers you not because it's messy because you were
00:58:18
brought up in a shambolic house now you come back and think oh look at this room I've recreated the same instead of
00:58:24
saying actually I'm in a five-star hotel there's a maid next door it's a little bit messy it's not shambolic but you see what your brain is looking for is what's the same and it will always find it but
00:58:36
if you look for what's different you'll find that too so when you have a brilliant brain which we all have and
00:58:42
you definitely have a so that you've got to talk yourself out of it not into it you're talking yourself into how the
00:58:47
messy room is the same as a messy home and it bothers you greatly because it feels out of your control which it was
00:58:53
when you're a kid living in that house don't talk because I haven't talk yourself out of it oh yeah I have
00:59:00
created a mess but hey I'm a super successful guy I'm busy someone's going to come in and clean all of this up and
00:59:05
it's not the same it's vastly different but our mind is always looking for what's the same because it loves what is familiar after all you know if you were two-year-old kid living in the prayer
00:59:17
and you wanted out on the Prairie you'd only eat the berries you already knew you wouldn't eat anything unfamiliar
00:59:22
because it would have killed you so our primitive brain wants to go back to what is familiar back to what is known back
00:59:29
to what is comfortable I was on there just before I actually came in the door earlier um and it said that the dietless life
00:59:47
resolves the underlying cause of overeating I let me confess I am someone that works
00:59:55
out pretty much every day I'll work out today although I'm going to that Fred Again concert so that might be difficult
01:00:00
that's a workout I work out pretty much every day of the week um the thing that's holding me back is
01:00:06
once in a while I'll get into a little bit of like a sugar spiral what I mean by that is I'll eat some sugar and then
01:00:12
the next day I'll eat some more sugar and then the next day I might have something very addictive yeah I've actually given up alcohol I've not told anybody but I've given a power call
01:00:18
completely but this sugar thing seems to be something that I'm like I'm like battling with it will happen you know
01:00:25
once a month and then it could last for like a couple of weeks where I just start eating things that I'm like why am I eating that and then I'll get control
01:00:30
again of the ship how do I avoid sugar I don't like it I don't want it I actually when someone hands me something like the first thing I check is the sugar contents don't want it in my life anymore I've made that
01:00:43
decision like oh goodbye but it seems to grab me so your mind always goes back to
01:00:48
what something means so let's talk about little Steve and what did sugar and all
01:00:53
the sugar Retreats mean to you when you're a kid what did they mean well in our house we weren't allowed
01:00:58
them and we didn't have them yeah probably the only family again because of money issues that we didn't have any nice things in the fridge yeah so I
01:01:05
would go to the corner shop after school and I would steal as much of the sweets as I possibly could and then how did you
01:01:10
feel so let's close your eyes a minute okay just remember be that little boy you've just stolen them you've just got
01:01:16
them it's okay that you took them most kids do that what do you feel like when you've suddenly got them in your pockets
01:01:21
or you're eating them what's the feeling I feel in control I feel like my friends I guess so keep
01:01:29
your eyes closed and imagine you now you're grown up Stephen and suddenly it's one evening and you want this
01:01:34
sugary stuff and you want it the next day and the next day I want you to say this when I say when I can't have sugar
01:01:41
when I don't have sugar say it repeatedly we don't have sugar when I don't have sugar I feel like that little kid who is deprived of sugar I feel like
01:01:48
that little kid that was depressed and that makes me feel out of control because
01:01:56
just said the word because it makes people out of control because because I lived in a house where I didn't have the
01:02:03
ability to get the things I wanted sure so you can open your eyes now so the adult you you see it's not the chocolate
01:02:09
it's the feeling you felt when you couldn't have it so when people go on a diet this is what happens I can't have
01:02:15
any of that stuff I can only have lettuce and they have this traffic light red everything's banned
01:02:22
Amber okay and green is like lettuce salad carrots grilled fish and you think yeah but I want all the red stuff it's the mind says if I can't have it I want to I want it so much
01:02:34
so again you've got to talk yourself saying hey you know I can have chocolate every day for the rest of my life it's always I can have it and I can have it
01:02:41
in abundance I can have a breakfast lunch and dinner and here's the magic sentence that changes your life I'm
01:02:48
choosing to say no and I'm choosing to love it I mean my parents are a bit like that no sugar sorry
01:02:54
I'm choosing to say no to chocolate and I'm choosing to love it I'm choosing to say no to kids treats and I'm choosing to love it I think one of my clients who's a billionaire who goes on his boat
01:03:06
on his yacht and takes all these things like Refreshers and sherbet stuff because he wasn't allowed them as a
01:03:12
child and even his own chef that makes him happy because it's something that was forbidden and so when he gets it he thinks oh I feel so thrilled because it did that when you
01:03:24
look at it made you happy so you're looking for the feeling not the thing and you can give yourself the feeling
01:03:29
without the thing anyway so as you can remember I feel the same when I want it and I feel the same when
01:03:35
I get it but could I get the feeling without having it of course you could it's really easy too
01:03:42
should I should I hypnotize you back to that little boy that wanted the sugar so badly so we can change it
01:03:49
would you like that should we do it now let's do it now okay being hypnotized is
01:03:54
really easy I'll show you what you do okay it's about the eye so if you look at me you're going to look up like that
01:04:00
breathe in breathe out take another deep breath keeping your eyeballs up every time you blink deep powerful hypnosis is coming upon you breathe out and just one more time keep
01:04:12
your eyeballs up and this time the more you blink the deeper you're going to hypnosis as you exhale keep
01:04:18
your eyeballs up close your eyelids down and I'm going to tell you Stephen that your eyelids are locked shut glued shut seal together your eyelids are glue
01:04:31
tight try to open your eyes find their locked shut go deeper try to open your eyes find they are glued tight go deeper and one more time
01:04:43
try to open your eyes by they are fused together go deeper deeper deeper your mind Stephen knows exactly what chocolate and children's sweets
01:04:54
represent to you I'm going to count back with some five to one your brilliant mind is going to
01:04:59
take you right back easily powerfully to a scene that is all to do with why as an adult
01:05:05
you keep going back to Sugar the minute you get that information it's going to be such a game changer and of course you can't relive anything it's not possible you can only review you can't relive
01:05:16
being that little boy but you can review it and anything you go about even if it's sad you're going to look at it with
01:05:23
fascination with Insight with innate understanding of how those scenes then shaped you today so let's go so you're about seven describe what's happening in this scene
01:05:35
I'm sat on a grass hill have these these boring sandwiches in My Lunchbox I want you to
01:05:49
it's very important to feel the feeling you're doing fantastic when you say I'm looking at my lunchbox I'm seven years
01:05:54
old and I feel so disappointed I'm looking at The Lunchbox I'm seven years old and I
01:06:00
feel so disappointed is there anything you can do to change the lunch box no I I could steal some money from somewhere to buy the things I want or I could swap or steal some other food or something
01:06:15
how else is that little kid feeling buying sugar or getting it mix me feel makes me feel powerful sure you know there's always been that kind of underlying thing because I could never
01:06:39
have it yeah as an adult it's kind of like an expression of like my my new autonomy yeah like you know I can have
01:06:46
whatever I want so now I want you to go back to the little kid sitting on the grassy bank
01:06:52
with a just winning lunch I want you to say to me that's not me anymore because you need to tell me exactly why justify and tell me why that's not you so repeat
01:07:03
after me that little kid on that little kid on the grassy bank with a disappointing lunch box that little kid
01:07:09
on the grassy bank with the disappointing lunch it's not me it's not me and will never be me ever again and
01:07:14
we'll never be ever again because because I can have whatever I want now you're not seven your mother doesn't provide your lunch every day does she no and if she did and you hated it couldn't you go
01:07:25
out and get whatever you want yeah I would say that's not me that's not me I'll never be seven I'll never be the
01:07:31
disappointing lunch ever again are they disappointing lunch I'll never be seven having less than other people ever again
01:07:36
I'll never be seven having less than other people ever that can't be me that can't be me I can have whatever I want
01:07:42
now I can have whatever I want and what I really want and what I really want is to be indifferent to sugar
01:07:51
I want you to think of the words that little kid needed to hear you know better than me that when you
01:07:57
were seven eight nine ten what you most needed to hear what you most needed to feel that you were the same that you
01:08:03
were equal you had everything others had and I want you to repeat some of those words you can do it in your head or out loud what are the missing words you've never heard and always wanted to hear
01:08:23
you have the same resources and money and value as all of your friends so say that little kid you have the same money you have the same amount of money the same resources same
01:08:36
resources same stuff everyone else has the same stuff that everyone else has you're smart you're smart and as you grow up
01:08:44
as you grow up you create everything for yourself you create everything for yourself
01:08:49
you see chocolate doesn't free you from feeling that you can't have it it actually reminds you far from solving
01:08:57
your issues it reminds you of that kid it pulls you right back it doesn't set you free it pulls you back to that
01:09:04
memory of that kid who could never have anybody I don't need to remember that anymore
01:09:09
because that isn't me because that isn't me and that will never be me and that will never be I can eat sugar every day
01:09:15
for the rest of my long gorgeous life I can eat sugar every day for the rest of my long what I really require what I
01:09:22
really require is complete and utter indifference is complete and playing this recording so my voice goes with you stays with you until soon don't
01:09:33
even need this recording it's wired and fired and coded into you it's who you are not what you do and it makes you feel amazing so knowing it feeling it believing it being it
01:09:45
becoming it just slowly calmly easily just open your eyes come back into the room how do you feel oh I forgot where I was
01:09:57
at least I thought it was somewhere else that's the great thing about hypnosis you know you forget where you are the critical Factor shuts down some things
01:10:05
only happen in hypnosis it's a critical Factor shuts down it accepts things it can't accept
01:10:11
consciously what is going on there what is going on well your conscious mind is completely shut down the subconscious
01:10:18
that knows that the subconscious is always switched on is always on record and it remembers everything and your
01:10:23
subconscious is accessing memories but you're really getting the feeling because the thing is it therapy doesn't
01:10:30
get the feeling it says we did this you want to feel the feeling to say oh I see
01:10:35
I'm trying to get the feeling but I don't even need that feeling I can be free now
01:10:41
also time I looked at the time and so much time has passed but it seems like five minutes yeah it feels like it was just a few minutes that's how you know hypnosis is so powerful because you lose all track of time time stops but
01:10:55
the subconscious mind which is running the show really takes over do you know what we'll do in this
01:11:00
episode um this episode will take a couple of weeks to come out so I'll do an insert about how I got on with yeah I'd love
01:11:06
that my relationship with sugars okay guys this is two weeks after I recorded with Marissa and I want to tell
01:11:13
you the results I've not touched sugar and I've also more importantly not had any sugar Cravings whatsoever and when I say sugar
01:11:20
I don't mean you know natural sugar that occurs in Natural Foods I mean the really sugary foods that are processed
01:11:26
that I didn't want to eat I've had no Cravings whatsoever for sugar and I've been around chocolate and Percy pigs in
01:11:32
the lot and we're two weeks on from the conversation with Marissa I've lost weight my sleep has therefore improved
01:11:38
because I'm not eating sugar and I'm not getting these Peaks and crashes that I used to get so I can confirm that
01:11:44
Marissa's hypnosis worked and if you want to watch the whole hypnosis session which is just over 25 minutes long the
01:11:51
whole thing I've linked it below on our Clips channel so you can watch the whole thing it's a little bit long and it
01:11:57
might be boring for some of you but for those of you that want to see the full 25 plus minutes it's down below
01:12:02
in the description on our Clips Channel on YouTube back to the episode you you must have so many case studies in your life of how hypnosis is just so many people who did dial this live and
01:12:13
said you know I don't eat sugar I didn't even know someone said you know I can't even have a cappuccino with a chocolate
01:12:19
I have to say oh no sorry you got to take that off because I'm simply so indifferent to sugar and then you start
01:12:24
to taste how fake it is how horrible it is because your body actually you know your body never says Hey knock me out
01:12:30
with sugar the body hates it's the mind just like the Mind might go for alcohol or drugs until you can get into the mind and say you know it's easy to make a better choice because you've chosen it
01:12:42
one of my maybe one of my my best friends in the world I have six best friends one of my best friends in the
01:12:48
world can't can't eat basically anything he's he's in his mid-thirties now and for
01:12:54
whatever reason some psychological reason he just can't when we go to restaurants he can't order anything he never has yeah known him for
01:13:00
10 10 years he basically only eats like a couple of things and there's something going on where he thinks like I don't
01:13:06
know the texture of other things see basically it's like crackers crisps biscuits I was in Dubai in February the
01:13:12
girl called Sarah who don't you could only eat meat couldn't eat anything else but meat and I said I can fix that in an
01:13:17
hour and I did we went back to why and now she eats everything cake pasta because before she was in so much pain
01:13:24
and she did it she'd straight away in one session it was a game changer I had many kids to say I can only eat cheese
01:13:31
and white bread but give him my number I can change that in an hour we've tried so many things over the years you need to try the thing that works yeah proper hypnosis it works all the time because
01:13:43
that magic only happens when you get into that network of intelligence can understand what's going on when you can
01:13:50
send different messages to the feeling mind because it's no good doing it logically it's like saying to an
01:13:56
alcoholic now come on have a lovely cup of tea you don't need the alcohol look at you like you're mad because logic
01:14:02
can't defeat emotion because there's emotion about I can only eat crackers is so powerful but you can find a better
01:14:08
emotion where does that come from what was going on like the emotion of that little Stephen saying I want to have the
01:14:13
chocolate I feel better I feel more powerful I feel the same as other people and that was the driver and I can say
01:14:20
well I don't need to do that I'm already powerful and amazing and equal to all my friends you took me to a place that I've
01:14:27
not been before I actually remembered things that I hadn't ever remembered what kind of things The Lunchbox thing I
01:14:33
never remembered my lunchbox show that's a new thing which I I'm coming from being sat on that hill during summer and
01:14:39
just opening the lunch box it's just this horrible powerlessness it's called learned helplessness and learned hopelessness I can't accept this but I
01:14:46
can't change it I don't know there's nothing I can do about it because you know you don't want it's not the scene
01:14:51
it's the feeling within this in that's what you got did so beautifully that kid who felt powerless frustrated
01:14:58
disappointed but could do nothing I could steal and yeah of course but that's I mean that's okay get all kids
01:15:04
do that but that wasn't really the thing that gate you could do it but that wasn't really your choice you wanted to
01:15:09
have the money that Ashley had to go into the shop you want to have the parents to say here's the money go and buy yourself something lovely but you
01:15:16
didn't have that but when you stole the stuff you got the same feeling but it was never really the
01:15:23
same because you had the shame and the guilt and the blame attachment now you can let all of that go
01:15:30
so interesting I've never actually felt like that before I've never remembered so many things and time just seemed to stand still and um I realized things
01:15:38
about my relationship with food that have been maybe locked up in the back room somewhere that I didn't realize so thank
01:15:44
you for that really really powerful it's my first time ever doing anything with hypnosis but also the shame about the
01:15:49
messy room where that comes from too yeah same feeling that you couldn't fix it when of course you can you can say I
01:15:55
love putting stuff away it feels amazing I wasn't sure whether I'm messy because it reminds me of home so a messy room
01:16:03
makes me feel more comfortable or if it's the opposite like you know I've never been sure which one it one which
01:16:09
one it is well it's just I think it because you lived in a messy home it was familiar it was easy no one said tidy up
01:16:14
put that away so if you're in the Army friends you say oh no I make my bed and because you learned a certain way but
01:16:21
you learn the opposite just everything's in a mess so the two things that you learned is familiar but also it's deeply
01:16:28
disappointing because it makes you feel oh God there's a mess again and I can't fix it when the truth is you can you've
01:16:34
always got a choice the worst thing is I can't change it and I can't accept it I can't change it I can't accept I can't
01:16:40
change them as I can't okay I can accept let's go hey I'm messy and I love it like an artist or you can say I can
01:16:48
change it but it's like I can't change it and I can't accept it accept it my daughter loves living in a mess
01:16:54
because she's an artist she doesn't even see it or you can say I can change it by changing how I think
01:16:59
just say I love putting stuff away it makes me feel powerful and if you say it enough it will become real because your
01:17:05
words create your reality and if you don't like your reality you don't have to change your word you have to change
01:17:10
the way you're speaking which immediately changes your reality which is completely shaped by your words
01:17:17
quick one I discovered a product which has changed my life called Eight sleep and I'm so proud to say today that I had
01:17:23
a chat with the founder of the brand and they are now a podcast sponsor and one of the things I've come to learn on this podcast from speaking with Sleep Experts
01:17:29
like Matthew Walker is how important temperature is when it comes to sleep the temperature of your room the
01:17:36
temperature of your bed and also one of the big insights I had from speaking to some experts was that the temperature of
01:17:42
the room should fluctuate throughout the night as you move through different stages of sleep so when you first get
01:17:48
into bed it should be quite cool in bed it should then get a little bit cooler and then the temperature should increase
01:17:55
near the end and that is a reflection of what would have happened in nature once upon a time you've probably come to
01:18:01
learn that I have sponsors on this podcast that I use and products that I love my sponsors should be a reflection
01:18:07
of the conversations I'm having but also a reflection of what I'm using in my life so to celebrate them being a new
01:18:13
podcast sponsor I always want to get a discount for you guys and I've got one go to eight sleep com which is e i g h t
01:18:20
sleep.com slash Steven and if you do that you'll save a hundred and fifty dollars on the Pod cover that I have on my bed the one I'm talking about grab your pod cover send me a DM and let me
01:18:33
know how you get on Marissa thank you you're so welcome we have a closing tradition where the last
01:18:38
Association for the next guest the question left fuse very good one in fact it's very um very relevant if there was
01:18:44
one sentence that everyone should believe about themselves that would have the most positive impact on their life what sentence is that I'm enough all my
01:18:59
bracelets say it I live it I have I created the army knife movement which I'm so proud of it would be I am enough
01:19:05
I have so many schools having kids say that says this is change bullying in this school it's changed the way kids
01:19:11
perform academies change the way they they behave emotionally they all have a little plaque on they have to say it
01:19:18
I am enough that's my favorite statement because it's the truth about everyone but we
01:19:23
just don't know it we often think well I'm not enough and if I'm not enough I need more more chocolate more followers
01:19:29
more drinks more shopping I'm enough is a statement that can change your whole life if you state it affirm it and it will sink in Marissa thank you everyone that's
01:19:42
listening to this now should definitely head over to your website because there's so much there whether they want to be trained by you or whether they
01:19:48
want to come to one of your events I was in there rummaging around and actually ran out of time because there was so much so many resources that's how I
01:19:54
found the dieting stuff and the coaching stuff and the events and a lot of free stuff too we give away so much free
01:20:00
stuff I know YouTube channel is another example of where you're just giving away you know hundreds of videos of sure for
01:20:05
free so thank you for the work you do you're a huge inspiration to me that's why I wanted to have you back on but also it's my girlfriend who's actually
01:20:11
upstairs and talks about you all the time how lovely um and she's you know training and doing um several courses I
01:20:18
believe she's done some of yours as well but you are a Force for good in the world thank you so much it's so wonderful to hear that your work is now
01:20:24
moving into schools and the curriculum and it's so exciting incredible just incredible thank you for being who you
01:20:30
are I really appreciate him as you guys may know we are a sponsor of this podcast and I'm a shareholder in the company as someone that is on the go pretty much 90 of the time I always prioritize getting my workout in and for
01:20:41
me it's a non-negotiable working out staying healthy and trying to optimize my body so I can achieve the results that I want but a new addition to my
01:20:48
lifestyle which complements my busy work schedule and my tough workout schedule is my prioritization of my rest and my
01:20:55
recovery I never quite knew how important it was until I started my woop journey to understand exactly what's
01:21:00
going on in my body and how to look after my body moop is a wearable health and wellness coach that provides you
01:21:05
with the feedback and actionable insights you need on your sleep your recovery your training your stress and
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your overall health and seeing this data that we provides has made it 10 times easier to understand what my body needs
01:21:16
for it to reach its optimal State helping me to conquer those long days and tough workouts without breaking down
01:21:21
see for yourself by searching join.woop.com CEO to get a free month free week membership on me and I have a suspicion you'll stick with it because I certainly have and I don't stick with much as it
01:21:33
relates to wearable tech enjoy it and let me know how you get on as you may know this podcast is sponsored by huel
01:21:39
if you're living under a rock you might have missed that and he all has such a wide range of products now but there is
01:21:44
a great way to try all of them this is the huel best seller bundle perfectly curated so that you can try all of the favorite products and decide which ones are your favorites the best seller
01:21:55
bundle has a range of meals and bars including the iconic heel Shaker the pot and a free t-shirt which if you've got the free heel t-shirt you'll understand how well that t-shirt fits I'm not just
01:22:06
saying that it really really is phenomenal if you've heard me talking about cure but haven't tried it for some
01:22:11
reason then this is a great option for you to get to know the range and find the product that works best for you I've
01:22:17
tried every single heel product in the boardroom in the development Laboratories and in my home and there's
01:22:22
a couple of products which have just revolutionized my life because they meet the requirements that I'm looking for so if you're looking to try heal for the
01:22:29
first time and to get into it and to join the hooligan family I'd highly recommend you try this out [Music]
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oh [Music] [Music]