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you've written 17 books on the topic of sex so my first question how do we have the best sex of Our Lives that's the question that everybody wants to know the first thing is Tracy Cox the world's
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most celebrated sex expert she's got the answers to the questions she's always wanted to know and has a secret to a
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great sex ride there is a decline of sex isn't there yes there's a sex recession if you haven't had sex for a year with
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your partner it is very unlikely you're gonna have sex again oh really are you hopeful that we can turn that around yes
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absolutely the key thing is women's fake they're orgasm we have known that women
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don't orgasm through penetrative sex since karma sutra and yet most men will go yeah yeah I've heard about that women
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aren't having very many orgasms during partner sex they're always fake the way to solve the whole orgasm thing is how
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do we predict if someone's going to cheat on us number one being close doesn't actually protect you against
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infidelity he'll become so close to your partner they're your best friend you just don't see them as a sexual partner
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anymore if you understand how sex works and if you can make sex good with your partner Affairs can be so preventable in
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so many different ways women get bored way quicker than men men don't get poor because they get the orgasm as a reward
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you need to give women interesting erotic sex and then they'll be interested otherwise they're not going to be interested I've noticed a trend
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that amongst my friendship group a startling amount of them are in sexless relationships yep what are some of the
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most important Solutions if you want to have great sex you need that's what you have to do if you want a
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good sex life nominal advice I have some breaking news and no this is an emergency I've spent the last two years writing a book and
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I've written 33 laws for business marketing and life that are derived from all of these conversations I've had here
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I traveled the world to write this book I interviewed some of the most incredible people I did
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six months of extensive research on scientific studies and principles to cooperate everything that I wrote into these 33 laws and ladies and gentlemen that book called The Diary of a CEO the
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33 laws for business marketing and life is now available for pre-order and there are five thousand only five thousand signed copies
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and it's first come first serve the link is in the bio right now so if you want that book honestly it's the best book
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I've ever written it's the book I always should have written it's the book I also wish someone had written for me when I was starting out in my career
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I'm really proud of it I'm really really proud of it really really proud of it and I can't wait for all of you to get
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to read it it's out in August I couldn't be more excited about this as you can probably tell I don't know what to say to say other than the words I've said to
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emphasize my excitement because I think it's important and I think it's really valuable um Link in the description
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[Music] Tracy I reached out to my team and I told my team that I wanted to have a
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conversation with the individual in the world that was best and most educated and most engaging on the subject matter of sex because
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I've noticed a bunch of things in my personal life in the lives of my friends and those around me
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um and I feel like people aren't having the right types of conversation about sex I feel like we're avoiding it as a
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society and I feel like sex is so intrinsically linked to Performance and well-being and business and all the
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things I usually talk about so they found you and that's why you're here so my first question is
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who are you and what do you do what is your mission right I'm not a trained sex therapist
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which is what everybody thinks I am I'm a sex educator um which is which I think means that what I do is I look at all the research and look at all the the sort of what's
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going on in the sex world in sort of an academic sense and then I work out okay so that's all well and good but what
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does this mean for you and I well not necessarily you and I together but people in the bedroom so I bring it down
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to a sort of level that is more practical that all my books are very much like right so here's what we've now
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know about sex here's how this is going to help you in bed so I think my job is to sort of get the research and make it
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into something that you know the average person can understand and make it work for them so I sort of yeah I'm a I'm a sex educator is a better way to describe me you know part of the reason I wanted
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to speak to you as I said at the start of this conversation is because I've noticed a trend I've started to like
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smell it amongst my friendship group where a startling amount of them are in sexless relationships yep and they're
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not they're not you know your book here says great sex starts at 50. my friends are the friends I'm talking about are in
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their 30s yes and I I and there's lots of things here there's lots of thoughts and I want to figure
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out which ones are true so um I'm going to say a bunch of things which are inherently naive and I know
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they are so the first one is like why aren't they having sex and more often and is that a is that a problem are
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there Partners to blame because they seem to want to have sex and their Partners don't um is it wrong are those relationships
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therefore broken and should they break up with their partners because they're not having that much sex um so we'll go into all of that but
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let's start with this this the point you raised about how lust and love are not necessarily great bedfellows um how does one if they're in that
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situation where they really love their partner they're really really close to their partner um but they're feeling like the intimacy
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has ran out the back door because of you know that sexual intimacy is around at the back door how do we create that
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balance you talk about something called otherness which I thought was really compelling yeah
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such a such a big question that is because that's the question everybody wants to know how do you keep desire
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going long term um the otherness thing is all about the close couples kind of become like
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Tweedle dumb and Tweedledee they don't do anything separately but you you need to have separateness from your partner
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and this is why during covert no one had sex at all in the beginning it was like fantastic we can have sex at 11 o'clock in the morning and then it was like oh
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we can have sex anytime we want how unappealing is that you know the more available something is the less we want
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it but the you need to separate from your partner you need to be you know have your own identity and your identity with your partner and that's the otherness that I talk about is seeing
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your partner in the real world and seeing them when you're not with them like so many couples only ever see each
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other at home in their house they never see each other out and if you go out I remember once variated on into the
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relationship with my husband miles he was walking through a restaurant and I'd arrived first and he hadn't seen me and
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I was he was walking through the restaurant and I saw a couple of women look over at him and I was like [ __ ] you
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know he's really attractive well I knew that but he's you know and if I don't you know he's he's out there all the
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time you know like people are going to be attracted to him so it sort of makes you lift your game a bit so you need that or if you see your partner at home
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and you know hi hi you only ever see them come through the front door they become too safe and I think when people
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say oh my partner would never cheat on me I think how rude is that to think that your partner's never going to treat on you no matter what you do to them no matter how horrible you are that's terrible that's like saying your partner
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you know is just a doormat that you can do whatever I like to think that you know my partner's not going to cheat on
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me but you know that makes me think that if I pledge monogamy I pledge that I'm going to sexually satisfy my partner I
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think you have an obligation to do that and I'm going to keep myself looking good because love is you know kind but
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it's not blind and I'm going to do all sorts of things I think it's a real insult if somebody if Miles said to me I
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know you'd never cheated on me I'd be like I don't take that as a compliment would you
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um I think it's important to know that your partner will go and leave you if you drop the ball in a variety of different ways and I think that one of the interesting points you raised there is about like physical appearance or
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keeping yourself well or keeping yourself attractive do you think can I fast a few people this over time do you
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think we have an obligation to stay In-Shape attractive whatever it might be for our partners yes absolutely I don't mean like you have to have facelifts or
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you know anything like that but you yourself as attractive as you can each of you and I think you know that's not just a physical thing I have to say it's a it can be an intellectual thing yes
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exactly it's an intellectual thing as well because desire goes and especially you know the you know grumpy old man
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grumpy old woman thing when people age I think that they become very set in their ways and you know become quite you know
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you don't want to be the bitter and twisted person you could look like you know a Greek god and if you're bitter and twisted Japan is still not going to
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want to sleep with you so yes I do think we owe it to each other to say you know to look as good as you can and to be as
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positive as you can there is nothing less sexy than being with somebody who's miserable all the time who's a negative person it's so interesting that some of the
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most attractive things I find in my partner are when I look over and see her doing her work and her things so actually it's funny she doesn't actually know this but but last night I came home
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from work very very late because I was I was out did some talks at them and I came home and I got in through the door
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and I my partner was sat at the kitchen table it was about 11 p.m at night designing her new studio on her laptop
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with her headphones on and I just found that really I took a photo and it's on my phone and I took a photo
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because I'm like I'm proud of her in one sense but it was really lovely that when I walked through the door it wasn't about me she was busy doing
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her own doing her own stuff yeah and I kind of like walked and I could almost see how some people might find that
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threatening I like hey babe give her a kiss like on the she kind of like kisses me back but then goes back to the laptop I'm like
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this is nice and I went I went over and I sat on the sofa on my own and just watched Manchester United but there was something really attractive about it
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yeah of course there is I mean watching somebody at work doing what they love is is the moment when yeah that you're like
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wow this person's amazing I mean I would hate to be a person who you know the partners at home waiting for you and where are you and it's all about so what have you done nothing much how was your
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day yeah that's not it's not healthy for a relationship that puts it too much on one person if you want to have great sex
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you need to have an interesting life you need to be doing interesting things you're not going to be having great sex
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if you're boring and you do the same thing every single day because you just end up doing the same boring sex you
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need stimulation all the time and that routineness is the the enemy of killer yeah the killer for women the killer for
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women because women are the ones that find monogamy boring not men if you say to men right you could have same sex pretty much do the same thing every
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single time three times a week for the rest of your life with this person most men ago all
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right sounds right to me if you said that to a woman she would go you are kidding me but this is what's happening
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women get bored way quicker than men and they do so because our orgasm is far more complicated than yours I mean intercourse is usually the main event for most couples sex intercourse is like
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the the big bit that everyone aims for right and that's great for men because intercourse very successfully stimulates
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the penis you know the penis wants to rub in and out of something the vagina does a great job fabulous for women the
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clitoris is outside the vagina that some of it is inside and you know because the clitoris isn't that little tip by the
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way it looks like a wishbone imagine a wishbone and the tip of the clitoris is at the top and then it goes down the
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size of the legs right that's the clitoris amazing 10 10 centimeters long so because the clitoris is in on the
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outside of the vagina intercourse doesn't cut it for most women only 80 20 of women can climax through penetrative sex twenty percent right that means
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eighty percent of women are not having their orgasms through intercourse so if you're going to serve up the same
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routine sex and most couples have sex the same way over and over again every time they have sex and that's your lot
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as a female you're having sex which doesn't give you an orgasm you're having sex which doesn't isn't exciting isn't
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erotic isn't you know in any way really interesting women get bored men don't get bored because they get the orgasm as a reward women get bored because the sex is just not the right sex for them so
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the women's desire for sex goes down so much faster than men's does so you need to give women interesting erotic sex and then they'll be interested but otherwise they're not going to be interested
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there are eighty percent of women listening now that can relate yes so and it's funny because I was speaking to a friend of mine I told them that I was gonna have this conversation with you and I said what would you like me to to
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say and they this was the question they had and it was linked to what you just said they said I'm in a relationship where my partner is having
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um the same sex over and over again he's coming very quickly during sex and I don't know how to broach the conversation with him about like this isn't working for me um without like embarrassing him or
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whatever it might be what advice would you give to that person gosh talking about sex is is just the thing
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I mean do you talk about sex with your girlfriend how long have you been together four years now oh well you're
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just very open with things yeah well done that's really good because most people talk a lot about sex in the beginning when it's all going well like
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aren't we amazing it wasn't that great lots of stuff the minute there's problems they tail off and every sex
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problem can be solved if you talk about it if you don't talk about sex the tiniest sex problem can ruin your whole
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sex life and the reason people don't talk about sex is that they worry exactly whereas you just said that
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they're going to hurt their partner that they're going to upset them well you'd just be really tactful about it and I
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always talk about the the compliment sandwich so say you want to say so she wants him to be what give her more
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foreplay something like that yeah just he's he's cut he's reaching orgasm too quickly and then she's obviously not enjoying it because he's over and she's still not you know her orgasm no well
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the mantra for that is she comes first always the way to solve the whole orgasm thing in several ways one of the ways is
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to have you know give her her orgasms through oral sex fingers uh vibrator and then you go on to intercourse which is when he gets his orgasm so that's a very I mean a lot of um couples do a lot of
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straight couples do you'll notice actually when I talk about sex I talk about straight couples the reason why is that gay couples have a lot better time
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of it because they've got the same issues going on so it sort of helps if you go in lots of ways
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um but I would say don't worry so much about like if you say to if she said to her partner look I really love our sex I love our sex I particularly like it when
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you do eggs but you know when you used to do y give me more foreplay give me oral sex I really really love that can
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we do more of that so you're not saying actually you you like not lasting long enough and not lasting long enough is
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not going to be an issue with most women because they don't have their orgasms through intercourse anyway so I think that men need to calm down about that
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they feel like they have to go on forever and ever and ever and it's like well she's not going to orgasm that way anyway she's going to feel like actually
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has to and then you get the faking it and all that sort of stuff comes into it but talking about sex is such a huge
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issue for people and the funny thing about talking about sex is that once you've done it once it's it's the first conversation especially you know I deal with couples who haven't talked about
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sex for 30 years and that first conversation is excruciating you know you're also like oh my God this is awful I just want the you know Earth to move like open and get rid of me but once you
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move past that that initial awkwardness which seriously lasts like three minutes
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then all of a sudden it this relief the amount of couples who say oh my God like I can say actually I don't really like
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it when you do that can you do this and like you know does it worry you that you know my erection isn't as hard as it was
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when I was young and and you get reassurance and then they're falling over themselves you will never ever ever
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regret trying to talk about sex with your partner it is the number one thing you can do for your relationship so she
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should think about what she wants be very specific men particularly like they respond best to very specific instructions so instead of saying look
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this sex isn't working for me because you know you you're climaxing too fast and then all of a sudden it's over and
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I'm just left high and dry if you say this is my idea of the perfect sex session can you just like let's just we take turns you know we each have we design our own perfect sex session you
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know I could you start with kissing you could move on to kissing my neck I really like it if you play with my
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breasts and then I love oral sex but could you do it for a bit longer very specific
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and people are like well that's like telling you know saying you like can you say you love me and then they say I love
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you back but no giving instruction in sex is really most people are really grateful for it and it might feel a bit
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awkward the session after that where he's thinking oh my God I'm just doing exactly what she says isn't this embarrassing and then all of a sudden
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you forget about it and then the next session and the next session is like flowing and great okay so a couple of
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counter points here just from personal experience one of the things I've always been a bit conscious of or no one of the
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things that I think has irked me a little bit is and this goes back to what you said about lust this kind of spontaneity and
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the the uh the riskiness of it is I don't want rules you know like I don't want rules I don't want to be I don't want to be in instructed during sex or
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or even worse I don't like that do it like this oh no it kind of kills the like I think sometimes you can become a little bit like
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yeah that can then that can have an impact on one's erectional erection and their their like
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mindset for I think sometimes for guys so much of sex is Flowing feeling like you can flow and sometimes if you get like if you've got critical feedback during sex yes like a
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pressure stress which then the erection might not you know hold out well first of all it's natural for an
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erection to come and go during any sex session so that's not really important but maybe yeah criticism isn't great
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like don't do it like that move over here or in a very barking you know sergeant major you know can you move to
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the left that's not so great but if you if you do it I mean often men do it's do
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don't hit the spot and they are doing it wrong and so do you want women to just lie back and go [ __ ] it's not even
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remotely close to where he should be but I'm gonna pretend because that's what and this is why women don't give men
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instruction in bed is because they know that a lot of men don't like it a lot of men say you know it is you know it does
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disrupt the proceedings but then it's very quickly back on track if you do it you know if you go and do what exactly
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she wants personally I think sexual instruction you can say or just over to the left a bit or that feels great there and you know whenever you can give positive feedback rather than negative
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is great so giving I'm sure you wouldn't mind if she says no that's perfect stay there stay there do it for longer yeah
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exactly the key thing is the positive framing yeah yeah that's the key thing the key thing is absolutely that and
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then if if maybe you still haven't haven't hit the spot then afterwards you say actually
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um you know that didn't quite work can I just tell you where or what works for me and then demonstrate on your hand or
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something that's always a really good way to do it but yeah the key is in the positive no one's going to respond to sex where somebody's going oh that's not
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right why are you doing that for that's terrible yeah you know don't go there if that doesn't feel anything you know no that's terrible that's awful and those
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instructional sessions should happen when before sex during sex after sex well depends on the couple a little bit
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I mean you can use body language during sex I don't know about before sex I think maybe sometimes after sex when
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you're getting on really well and you know having a few drinks maybe if you're a drinker and relax and just talking
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generally that's sort of the time to say by the way you know that I always think that's a good time if you want to try
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something new or to say by the way God my friend was talking about doing X you know what do you think about that I
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always think things like conversations about sex that are positive and exciting and you know talking about trying new
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things should happen outside the bedroom really um but otherwise yeah you do have to
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have those instructional sessions I'm afraid what if you want to do something and your partner doesn't want to do it
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generally a request for something new a request for anything is just a request for variety so say your partner says I
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want to try having sex outside and you really don't want to have sex outside the correct answer to that is look
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that's really not my thing but you know why don't we try X most people if they want to try something new if you give them you know I'm not open to that but I am open to something else then they'll
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be fine about it but I mean where you get into problems with somebody wanting to try something other other partner not
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wanting to try is if it's something a bit fetish yeah and that's when you get did you ever watch um billions you know where they she had the fetches you know have been whipped and wanting to be the
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submissive and and he just let her go off and be satisfied by a sex worker that's one option by the way if your
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partner as a fetish is to just go Okay I accept that you've got this fetish and it's not for me so if you if it's really
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so much part of your makeup that you can't live without it then go off with a sex worker and satisfy that's the
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extreme version but most of the time I think oh you can meet halfway like say um say your partner say you want to have a threesome with two women well then the meeting halfway might be that you have
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phone sex with a sex worker maybe you role play it maybe you go to a lap dancing club and she gets a lap dance by
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someone there is there's always some kind of compromise in there where you can capture a sense of what the other person wants
00:22:38
okay so let's go back up to this this initial question my friends they're in their 30s sexless sexless relationships
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they are increasingly frustrated about it it seems um it's funny I've got like you know I've got this collection of my best friends we're very talkative and communicative
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around our sex lives and stuff and I just noticed that in various ways they're in situations where they're not
00:23:01
they don't feel like they're getting enough sex from their partner and they see it as a critical problem which which might result in them for example being
00:23:09
um cheating or um ending the relationship even in my own um sort of sexual experience what got me really engaged with this subject matter was I was in a relationship where the pop my partner
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turned around to me one day after six months and said like I don't like having sex and as a young man like having sex
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with me oh and as yeah as a young man I I think with you know with an ego I thought well what does that mean that's super emasculating does that mean that I'm not hitting it right or like do I
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maybe it's her problem you know whatever and so I went on that Journey what did she mean so it's interesting because we
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separated yeah my reaction was very like and also I turned to her and said like why and
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she said the next sentence was I'm not comfortable talking about that with you oh yeah so for me that was like the door
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had closed of course it do because where do you go with that yes exactly so I broke up with her yeah and um year
00:24:03
passes we both go to different places we both gonna you know figure ourselves out a little bit and on her journey she
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really got to understand that at the heart of her relationship with sex was this fear that had derived from previous
00:24:14
relationships where the partner was very forceful you know um a parent cheating all of those things that we kind of
00:24:20
discussed earlier so it wasn't that she necessarily didn't like having sex there was a lot of psychological work to be
00:24:26
done on removing that fear of like abandonment and really if I made her feel safe really really safe then the sexual appetite would return that's what
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happened oh so a year later we get back together we ended up having the best sex of Our Lives on an ongoing basis
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um and it was because she was able to understand I was okay so if she was able to understand what was really going on I was able to like be patient enough to like listen and you know go from weeks
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and weeks and months with not having sexual intimacy and just be there which allowed her to feel safe and then
00:25:05
beyond that we were able to kind of like rebuild it fantastic and we're still together today oh my God so this is your
00:25:11
girlfriend yeah I'll have to ask her for permission to say this or I'll show her the clip and make sure she's comfortable with it yeah but um
00:25:17
extraordinary story so we went from a point of I don't like having sex I'm not having sex really really bad situation
00:25:24
to the best situation I think one can imagine in that department obviously communication was at the heart of it um
00:25:30
and giving her space to you know and and I give the credit to her because she figured that out but that's what got me
00:25:36
really into the subject matter because I've now got loads of friends that are in that situation what I would say to your friends is
00:25:43
if your partner doesn't want to have sex with you I wonder whether how good the sex is because
00:25:49
a lot of women say no I'm presumably these straight couples a lot of women say no to sex because the sex that's on
00:25:55
offer is not that interesting to them so for this we need to talk about sex drives spontaneous desire versus
00:26:01
responsive desire have you heard of that yes yeah from reading your book so spontaneous desire is two-thirds of
00:26:09
men have spontaneous desire and it's the desire that everybody has at the beginning and by the way if you want to
00:26:14
know somebody's resting libido you cut you've got to wait about a year you have to wait about a year to find out what
00:26:20
their real libido is because it's always so artificially inflated at the start right but so spontaneous desire
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two-thirds of men have this it's it's the you know want to see wanted to see you know seek sex want sex seek sex they
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can go from people with spontaneous desire could be like scrolling through Instagram somebody's sexy walks past and
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it's like wow I'm instantly aroused for sex they go from zero to a hundred very quickly they seek out their mate want
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sex and they're off right responsive design fire means that you have no desire for sex or very little desire for sex until somebody is actually doing something to you sexually so this is
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somebody who you know maybe is with their partner their partner wants to have sex they're not even slightly
00:27:04
interested but goes okay look I'll give it a go then once start things start happening if their partner is very good
00:27:10
at stimulating them and they enjoy the stimulation all of a sudden they're like yeah actually yeah I'm enjoying this
00:27:16
that's the warming up that's the warming up right now 30 of women have responsive desire the rest of them are a mix
00:27:23
between spontaneous and responsive most men so you've got this situation where most men have spontaneous desire most
00:27:29
women are responsive most men are very happy to go straight to genital sex they don't need warming up the way their Anatomy works for women for prey isn't a
00:27:40
luxury it's a necessity because in order for sex to be comfortable you need the vagina to tent so it literally puffs up
00:27:47
so that it can you know take a penis comfortably so if you don't wait for that to happen and you'd go male style sex go straight for penetration she's not even off the starting blocks and
00:28:00
suddenly you're penetrating sex isn't great and then it's all over so the men you could have like not even thinking
00:28:06
about sex to having finished within 10 minutes for women they need time to warm up
00:28:12
because their sex drive is responsive so they're almost like blinking it's over and they haven't even got to five
00:28:19
percent desire and this is the problem with couples and that's that's with I'm talking about a very basic couple who probably don't talk about sex and who aren't terribly sexually savvy so I think because I
00:28:30
think people have an understanding vague understanding that women need more foreplay I mean that's been drummed into men hasn't it but I think that what
00:28:37
women don't understand is that women think you know at the beginning it was great it was all spontaneous I desire
00:28:42
was there you know when you get into a long-term relationship desire doesn't tap you on the shoulder anymore you have
00:28:48
to create it and women I think think because they're that spontaneous desire is gone and they don't feel like sex it just doesn't come out of the blue unless they start having sex they think oh that just
00:29:01
must mean I don't want sex anymore well something's wrong with me I don't want sex anymore you do want sex it's just
00:29:07
that you've got to be have sexy things happening to you before you feel the desire for sex
00:29:13
and if people understood that if women understood it better and stopped saying oh well it obviously means my sex
00:29:18
drive's gone no it hasn't it's there you've just got to have great stimulation and great sex to get it back
00:29:24
and the other thing about women is that women we have this thing about that women want tame and they want romance and stuff that's not true so much research now shows that women like
00:29:35
erotic wild sex I mean they've done these experiments with women where they'll show them erotic videos and
00:29:42
they'll wire up the genitals to measure genital response so when you're aroused as a woman blood flows to the genital
00:29:48
same as men and you lubricate so they're watching all these videos various sexy videos and they have to say you know for anything is disarousing you no because society says no we're not supposed to be
00:30:00
and the genitals are like are you kidding what are thinking this is fantastic I'm absolutely say yes to this
00:30:06
say yes to this so the the you know that there's such a big difference between what we're taught and what we would like
00:30:13
so if your girlfriend's saying no to sex and you're in a long-term relationship it's because you're not giving her
00:30:18
interesting enough sex give her exciting erotic sex give us something like actually this is what we're going to do
00:30:24
I mean look at 50 Shades of Gray that got middle-aged women wanting sex with women who hadn't wanted sex for 20 years
00:30:30
I remember being on holiday with my husband and we started talking to this couple it was around the time when 50
00:30:36
Shades came out and she knew what I did and she said she said God I hadn't really had great sex with my partner wasn't interested in sex you know for like 10 years she said I read the book
00:30:47
I'm sitting there at two o'clock in the morning I'm looking down at my partner I'm thinking I really just want to wake him up and have sex with him and she
00:30:55
said and I've never and and then she said and I read the books and suddenly I was back into this erotic sex with my
00:31:01
husband that I just forgotten I'd forgotten about like you think of sex it's like oh God here we go kissing a
00:31:07
bit fumbling you know and then the routine sex but give people something interesting like all your friends give a
00:31:13
really interesting scenarios take us somewhere sexy push her out of her Comfort zones don't give a romance don't
00:31:20
give her you know give her sexy sex and then they'll be interested hmm I'm thinking of my friends like posing that and how uncomfortable they'd feel really like babe I want to drive to the
00:31:33
countryside because you know when you've been with someone and you've become that kind of sibling thing that you described
00:31:38
earlier they might almost look at you with a bit of horror horror yeah yeah you wouldn't go straight from not talking about sex to like and we're gonna go on a lap dance club tonight and no you have to you have to have the
00:31:51
conversation you have to bite the bullet and have the conversation because the thing about sexist relationships if you
00:31:56
haven't had sex for a year with your partner it is very unlikely you're gonna have sex again with your partner unless
00:32:03
you confront it head on if you just think yeah this will pass this will pass it will never pass you're not going to
00:32:09
suddenly go oh my God look at that we haven't had sex for five years let's go to bed now no it's got to the awkward
00:32:16
awkward awkward stage so I mean 30 of couples who have been together for two years or more don't have sex tears not 10 years two years thirty
00:32:28
percent it is very easy to get out of the habit of sex and once you're out of the habit of sex the less often you do
00:32:35
it and then couples get into this thing where it's like God we haven't had sex for ages but you know what next weekend we'll have this Marathon sex session and
00:32:41
that'll make up for it all and then the marathon sex session is like oh God how am I going to find time for that or you
00:32:46
know that's a bit daunting and then of course you'd have to have sex for like six weeks to make up for the session so
00:32:52
it just becomes more and more insurmountable so I always say to people just have little point-sized bits of sex
00:32:59
you know don't have sex doesn't have to have a beginning a middle and an end like have a big Snogging session have a
00:33:05
thing where he gives you oral you don't do any you know give nothing back or you give him moral or you know you just do
00:33:11
something sensual together you have a bath together that's counts as sex you know people think sex has to have
00:33:18
intercourse in there it doesn't it's the least favorite bit for women take the Intercourse out start doing little bite-sized stuff to
00:33:24
reconnect sexually it's like a frog in a frying pan that old analogy of how slowly that you know
00:33:29
the frog doesn't realize it's being heated in a frying pan until the water's boiling and it's dead like it happens very very gradually in relationships it
00:33:35
does and then you get to a point where you go how the hell did we get here yeah and at that point you have to have The
00:33:41
Talk The Talk this is interesting because one of my my friends was talking to him about it and I was saying like you've let it gradually stray so far and
00:33:49
you're currently letting it you're not addressing it you need to Stage a crisis it's kind of the way I framed it to him which is like you need to say stop like
00:33:56
this relationship has to stop we have to have a conversation now because I'm at a point now where I'm either going to
00:34:02
leave this relationship or I'm gonna end up cheating or something so we'll need to fix this together and it needs to feel important yeah or else it'll be
00:34:09
allowed to simmer that's exactly right and of course what lots of people do in that scenario is they just turn to porn yeah and they just satisfy themselves
00:34:16
with porn but that's not ideal obviously but you well because it's it's it's pretty solid sex isn't it just watching porn and masturbating you know there's really funny about porn actually because
00:34:27
I used to have a great relationship with porn I used to say to people all the time like Pawn is your friend watch it
00:34:33
with your partner it's great for you know if you've got a high sex drive and your partner doesn't it it you know you
00:34:38
can satisfy yourself it keeps your imagination you know piqued you you know can satisfy that sense of newness by watching porn and now pawns moved into a really
00:34:49
ugly stage with you know there's such a a concentration on aggressive acts like spitting choking choking is terrible um slapping across the face it's become
00:35:02
very much like that and young men are growing up to think that this is what a normal sex session is like this is
00:35:07
normal real life sex it is not Paul is nothing like real life sex and then women look at it and go gosh right okay
00:35:13
that's obviously what's expected of me this is what I have to do and it's it's moving into a very nasty Direction they
00:35:20
say unmet expect patients equal unhappiness so by setting expectations up here is like we're going to do this
00:35:25
for an hour and I'm going to tie you up and spit on you and choke you and you're going to make this sound and you're going to scream and you're going to tell me I'm this and you're going to say that
00:35:32
I'm your father whatever yeah first thing it might be then for those expectations equals unhappiness in the
00:35:37
bedroom you go well you know I'm gonna have to go looking for something else exactly and that's what young men do because they think that's what sex is
00:35:43
going to be about it's not all so then they keep looking for the girls who will give them down and then girls very
00:35:48
quickly figure out okay if I want to be liked I have to do that I've just done a big thing on choking and um and I
00:35:55
interviewed all these young girls and it was it was horrifying it was they they've been I mean between 58 of
00:36:01
college students between the age of you know like had all been choked I think 30
00:36:07
of them had been asked and I'm not talking about you know symbolic choking of just putting a hand on the throat
00:36:12
which even that freaks me out but I'm talking about you know cutting off wind Supply there was one girl who told me
00:36:18
she was 21. she she'd gone out with this guy he seemed really nice he started choking her she said no she passed out she woke up next to this guy who was asleep he then
00:36:32
said to and then she got herself out of there and was like oh my God you know terrified he texted her the next day and
00:36:38
said oh my God babe this sex was awesome let's meet up again and she was she was just like how could you possibly think
00:36:43
that that was good and that worries me a lot I think that that I mean I sex I think it's moving in a great way in lots of ways particularly for young women except for things like that I think that
00:36:54
is terrible so no you don't want to be satisfying yourself with porn but you have to have the conversation if sex is
00:37:00
now out of your marriage you cannot just let it go and be the elephant in the room because exactly what you said is going to happen you're going to leave or
00:37:06
you're going to cheat so you sit down with your partner and you say listen we really need to have
00:37:12
discussion about this I love you desperately um but I miss our sex I really we used
00:37:18
to have lovely sex I love having sex with you you're really desirable it's it's you know and I can we talk about
00:37:24
why this isn't happening anymore are you having the sort of you know is it that the sex that we're having isn't
00:37:30
doing it for you what can I do to make you you know want to have sex more often with me because I would really love to
00:37:37
have sex with you more often can we have a discussion about this okay I've got friends that have tried that and what
00:37:43
happened um the partner doesn't necessarily know it's a similar situation to what I thought the one on the situation I
00:37:48
described that I was in where my partner turned around and said something because they might not have the information themselves they go well I just don't
00:37:53
like having it and they might not know that the you know the responsive sex language that you talked about and they
00:38:00
might not know what's going on with oh I see the partner might not know why she doesn't why sure he doesn't like having
00:38:05
sex um and then you can hit a wall don't you well that's when you educate yourself that's when you give me a few of my
00:38:11
books yeah to give you a bit of education but I mean okay so the partner who wants sex is generally more driven so maybe they could sexually actually educate themselves and say you know I've been reading up about this perhaps it
00:38:23
might be because if this can be try having sex this way but it's all about breaching the topic and then I mean
00:38:30
depending on the reaction I mean I know I've you know encouraged some people to have this talk and then they've got an
00:38:35
answer which is just startling well they'll say I don't want to have sex anymore I'm not interested did in
00:38:41
solving this so that's it so you just have to put up with it that's basically well what I got if
00:38:48
somebody says that to you and they really and you've tried on several occasions and you I I think that is
00:38:53
grounds for walking out myself and I did yeah yeah and a miracle seems different
00:38:59
yes because then people did some soul so and sometimes maybe you walk out and then the person thinks well gosh
00:39:05
actually that's not very fair because monogamy is all about you know I pledge to only have sex with one person but if
00:39:11
that person withdraws sex then where are you left apart from having solo sex and
00:39:17
you know or you have an agreement okay well if you won't have sex with me then what are my options my options are to
00:39:24
satisfy myself to cheat you happy for me to seek the sex elsewhere and lots lots
00:39:30
of times people will say yeah actually I am I don't want to know about it I don't want it to be in our friendship group
00:39:35
and we're going to have to have rules about this but you know some women are more than happy for that to happen or
00:39:41
some men are more than happy for that to happen it's not just a female thing here men go off sex as well on this point of
00:39:46
porn as well there was I read something recently about the shame that it's causing in in people like I think the
00:39:53
study that I read and I'm yeah I think I read that too about 40 of men that use um that masturbate to porn report to
00:40:00
feeling a sense of Shame and then when we think about the sort of macro where we are in sex as a society right now
00:40:06
there is a decline of sex isn't that going on which is absolutely quite concerning yeah there is a there's a sex
00:40:12
recession and that's very much because I mean basically there wasn't a sex recession before social media streaming phones it's all to do with that we have
00:40:23
too much to do we basically just go off sex because we have other things to entertain us you know pre-order 10 34 on
00:40:29
a Saturday night most couples were having sex there was nothing else to do that was it we just did two you know
00:40:35
there's that going on so we're too busy we've got too many other things on our plate that's the main problem with long-term couples then you have like I
00:40:43
think less face-to-face communication with me which makes people quite nervous if you haven't had sex before and you're
00:40:49
dealing mainly with you know FaceTime calls you know video calls which is what lots of young people are when you're face to face they get very nervous they don't know anything about Body Language
00:41:00
they don't know how to connect and sex becomes scary in Japan there's something like 30 no higher I think more like 45 of people get to the age of in their 30s
00:41:13
and their virgins they've never even had a sexual encounter and they just and if you don't give your
00:41:18
body sex your body doesn't want sex so they could quite happily go through life completely sexless that's what's going to end up happening with sex we are becoming less and less and less and you
00:41:29
know the more we go into Virtual Worlds the more I mean the amount of people who rely on porn for sex who can't even be
00:41:35
bothered going out and finding a partner because it's all too difficult I mean we're it's becoming less and less
00:41:40
about the intimacy and more and more about just the getting off part we're now in an AI world as well yes
00:41:46
terrifying which is very interesting yes because you're now you know we've heard about sex dolls and stuff like that over
00:41:52
the years but a sex doll that can speak to you with such depth and reason and apparent emotional uh nuance and understanding is really really scary you
00:42:04
can think I was thinking about thinking about this thinking about all the different ways that AI is going to disrupt us as like the social fabric of
00:42:10
society one of the really clear ways that was you can now have a sex doll in your house that speaks to you that
00:42:16
comforts you that understands your problems understands what you're going through and can give you unbelievable advice Will Never Shout at you or never
00:42:23
criticize you and will please you in a in a personalized way it will learn how to please you
00:42:39
think about all the lonely people think about all the lonely people that can now have a
00:42:45
companionship if you're somebody who can't find a companion in real life or you're lonely
00:42:51
I mean it's better than a dog isn't it I mean it's I I mean I think that's got some really nice applications to it but
00:42:58
it's also got some dire applications to it because then you know It ultimately we'll end up with a with no population
00:43:04
will because no one will be having sexual person yeah so I think you think you can see the short term oh well you
00:43:10
know Dave's going to be slightly more less lonely potentially yeah right but if we if we go up that exponential curve of improvement we get to a point where this thing is walking it talking it is
00:43:23
making you making your breakfast your dinner your whatever then it's satisfying you on demand and then you
00:43:28
look over at a human and you go they're going to be more interesting aren't they that's what I'm saying
00:43:35
they're going to be more interesting they're going to be better in every way you know no I think humans will be more interesting surely do you want like
00:43:41
somebody like it's like a yes person I don't want a yes person in my life I want somebody to think they do yeah
00:43:47
people I think people will choose the short term without thinking about the long term of like connection and companionship over time and Challenge and different solving problems you know
00:43:58
I think the average person if they could be faced with a with if they were to draw their perfect partner they wouldn't say I want difficulty and Challenge and
00:44:07
sometimes to walk out arguments and to be interrupted when the football's on you know you're not going to put that in
00:44:12
there but then I think surely over time I don't know I I do worry about AI with humans and I don't share you know like
00:44:19
some people present the argument like would be free to do all these amazing esoteric things we won't we'll just sit
00:44:24
there and look at social media and get fat and drink and sit in our rooms watching porn that's what we'll do yeah because we choose the like short-term
00:44:31
dopamine over the long term yeah instant gratification gosh that is scary that's going to be a huge industry yeah I mean
00:44:36
it really is a big industry yeah these these living AI sex dolls will be a huge industry I don't think they've quite perfected the robot a bit though have they um so there's a couple of things happening in in tandem I mean Elon Musk
00:44:49
is is working on his own um robots at Tesla we have Boston robotics I believe they're called who have been working on
00:44:55
robots for a long time but um it's gonna move very quickly as as all exponential
00:45:01
curves do so now we've got the kind of machine learning modeling um ml MLM AGI they call it artificial
00:45:08
general intelligence stuff moving quickly the robotics side I think is going to gain Pace because now there's a
00:45:13
greater demand but it's really really it's one of the things I am did you see that film blade back in the day no it's
00:45:19
all large in the real dot real girl do you remember that that was about a guy who had a sex doll oh really and the whole village
00:45:24
um sort of accepted it and then when he didn't need her he got a real person at the end but no I didn't see blade just
00:45:30
there's a scene in this film called blade where he puts on a headset and it's set I mean it was 20 years ago and upset in the future in the future puts
00:45:37
the headset on and this headset you know is exactly that it's an AI that basically gets him off and it's the time
00:45:42
of his life and actually they sit his cup his partner sits opposite him and they both put the headset on and they
00:45:48
yeah actually I do think I did yeah it's a scary one that's what we'll be doing we will be doing that
00:45:55
I mean we're kind of going that way already with porn and we talked about this sort of macro decline in sex
00:46:00
are you hopeful that we can turn that around and I have cope with the young generation of women I think this is the first generation of
00:46:12
women who really have probably the least sexual Hang-Ups that we've ever had and
00:46:18
I think that I mean young women are much more adventurous than young men it's sort of
00:46:25
going in a weird Direction I think that way and all the young women that I'm in contact with I'm talking about young
00:46:31
women in their 20s early 30s we know that young women are more bi-curious than men we know that young women are more interested in threesomes with two
00:46:41
women than men are we know that young women are more interested in going to a sex club than men are we know that young
00:46:48
women are more interested in polyamory and they they don't want several love relationships they want
00:46:55
the lovely relationship and then they want to be able to have sex with men on the side it's not men thinking like this
00:47:00
this is women thinking like this and I think that it's going to make for more interesting relationships and because
00:47:07
the whole women are overturning everything like the motivation for Affairs now has completely reversed so
00:47:13
men used to have affairs for sex now most men if they're in a good relationship will satisfy that with porn
00:47:19
right most men um now men have affairs for love and affection women have affairs they used to have affairs for love that they weren't
00:47:30
getting from their partner now they have affairs for erotic sex sex where they're
00:47:35
not looking after their partner they can be selfish they don't have to care about whether they hurt his feelings or say
00:47:41
don't do it that way they're not going to care about whether Stephen doesn't like it if he's being instructors like do that do this they want that sort of
00:47:47
sex right and that's why they're having Affairs so I feel like my hope is that women are going to take the charge and go forward and we're going to end up with sex it's more interesting sex
00:47:59
that's less doing everything to please a man more equal you know this is what I need this is what I want this is what you need this is what you want let's work out the best way to do that together
00:48:10
not where you know because so many women still now that's the thing does disappoint me is still have sex to
00:48:17
please men still pretend to have orgasms during penetrative sex because Society is brainwashed we have known that women don't orgasm basically through penetrative sex since Kama Sutra which
00:48:29
was written in the third to fifth century and yet most men will go yeah yeah yeah I've heard about that I've
00:48:36
heard about that it hasn't happened to me I've just been really lucky for all my girlfriends you know I mean it's just
00:48:41
like they're faking they're faking because the girl before faked and they feel they have to fake and you know
00:48:47
every depiction of sex is that you know everybody has this Mutual orgasm simultaneous orgasm together and that's just how sexy it's well it's not like that it's a it's totally not
00:48:59
like that at all speaking of young women in your book great sex dance at 50 one of the things you talk about is the
00:49:06
issue of sort of sexual confidence and sexual self-esteem um talk about that in the opening
00:49:11
chapter of the book and I found it really compelling really interesting that women view themselves differently when they look in the mirror which has a libido
00:49:24
impact body image is terrible they've just done a study which looked at two decades 20 years of study so they
00:49:31
did a study on all the studies on body image and it turns out that it impacts every single area of sex regularity of
00:49:38
sex enjoyment of sex arousal desire orgasm and it makes sense that if you don't like your body you're not going to want anyone to look at it or touch it it is the biggest problem with women today
00:49:51
and their sex lives is that often you know this is the other thing with your friends you know had they just had babies has
00:49:57
their body changed you know are they not feeling so desirable you know desire I think feeling desired by your partner is
00:50:03
much more important to women than you know anything else if your partner looks at you in a you know like God you're so hot you're so sexy that is the biggest turnout of all and if you're feeling not
00:50:15
great about yourself and your mindset is so much down on yourself that you think I don't even how could he possibly look
00:50:21
at me and think that I'm attractive then you'll never feel that your partner confess you to death but you're never
00:50:27
going to feel it because your brain's just gone nope I am not sexually attractive anymore so that is a real problem it's a real
00:50:34
problem and you know what the solution is for that is not to go off and get a facelift or get your hair done or lose weight or go to the gym more though actually going to the gym more is one
00:50:44
exercise is really good for your sex drive and for your self-esteem but the other thing is that cura's body image is um is actually to have sex more
00:50:56
if you have sex more often and your partner enjoys it your brain goes on a subconscious level well you know what it can't be that bad because he's having sex me or she's having sex me whoever's
00:51:08
having sex with you they're enjoying it and so you it start your brain starts to make sense of it all and go okay right
00:51:14
you know this is I'm obviously not as undesirable as I think and it starts to sort of become
00:51:19
better and more able to be dealt with so the more you have sex the better because it gives you confidence and sexually
00:51:26
confident women women who think they're good in bed so increase your skills as well if you're worried that you're not a great lover
00:51:33
read up on it buy some of the books go online look up technique you know because technique is very important and
00:51:39
the better lover you think you are the less you worry about what you look like in bed we all know that sexually confident women win all the time and
00:51:46
sexually confident women put on weight the same way other people do as they get on in life etc etc you know their bodies
00:51:52
are different after pregnancy but they don't focus on them they're like hey I'm a brilliant lover who cares you know he's not looking at that he's just
00:51:59
thinking how fantastic I am so it's more about increase your confidence as a lover exercise more
00:52:05
and I mean then the obvious take this off of social media stop comparing yourself to other people all that sort
00:52:11
of stuff but it's it's difficult it's very difficult and I think men suffer from this as well that's so unbelievably true especially
00:52:19
um especially the part that it also relates to men because I've got multiple accounts from female friends of mine
00:52:24
that are in a heterosexual relationship that have told me their partner won't have sex with them with his top off or
00:52:31
with the lights on um and also the point there about how you solve that body confidence issue
00:52:36
that confidence comes from the evidence you get from doing the thing yeah and also if you are worried about your body when you're having sex close your eyes like close your eyes and think
00:52:48
about what you're feeling it's about what what you're feeling not like how are you looking because if it's stressing you out and you're looking at thinking oh my God he's looking at my
00:52:54
thighs he's looking at this just close your eyes and go into yourself or become more active that's the other way to
00:53:00
overcome body issues is if you're really active in bed and you're like looking at your partner and you're talking dirty
00:53:06
and you're making lots of eye contact that way anything to sort of take yourself out of yourself is good you
00:53:12
either go into yourself and focus on what you're feeling rather than what you're looking like or you sort of
00:53:17
become way more active that also works three things that boost sexual self-esteem easily in your book initiate
00:53:25
sex to feel more powerful yes absolutely initiation is such a big thing on so many levels and if you don't ever initiate sex with your partner you're essentially saying I don't actually
00:53:37
enjoy having sex with you I'm only having sex with you because you've asked me to have sex with you and people argue
00:53:42
about that it's like well his Sex Drive is way bigger or you know higher and lots of stuff it doesn't matter you
00:53:48
really need to have a thing where you know if if your partner's got a much bigger sex drive than you you need to say something look okay it's really sexy
00:53:55
being the person who's the sexy one in the relationship that's why you know it's great it's nice to be that person but I want to be the sexy one in the
00:54:02
relationship so hold off on initiating for a while and give me a chance to initiate so that I can feel more
00:54:08
powerful and it's it's such a great Dynamic that that power dynamic in in you know relationships is really important that you have to be sometimes the dominant person you have to be the
00:54:19
submissive person and if you swap around it makes for a much more interesting sex life but if you don't initiate something
00:54:25
it's a real cop-out to never initiate sex I really do think so and when women do it who don't often initiate sex what often happens is that they'll be so subtle that the man misses the point
00:54:38
completely it's like well I gave him this really sexy kiss and it was like yeah and yeah anything else anything
00:54:43
else that went with that and he didn't even you know and now I'm not going to do that and it's like oh for God's sake just be really obvious about it be
00:54:51
really obvious about it and going back to initiation just be aware that how you initiate sex will influence whether or not your partner says yes so
00:55:02
if you initiate sex the wrong way your partner might say no to sex because you just approached it all the wrong way whereas if you approach your partner
00:55:13
that you know has got a responsive sex drive by talking cuddling connecting whatever she wants could be you know she might want you to initiate sex like that but you know and getting her in the mood
00:55:26
the way she wants to be in the mood not the way you would like her to get in the mood but the way she wants to be in the mood she'll probably say yes to sex so a
00:55:34
lot of people say no to sex isn't that they don't want sex they're just being approached the wrong way and they're not
00:55:40
being warmed up the right way so if you can solve those two basic things it can change everything feels
00:55:47
like there's something really fundamental here that we we assume sex will take care of itself it never oh my
00:55:53
God writing all those textbooks when I go to a dinner party people either want to sit next to me or they go as far away
00:55:59
from you as they possibly can because they're terrified and the people who say to me oh God but I don't need a Sex book
00:56:05
I'm like yes you do you're the person that needs a Sex book I've written 17 of them and I'm still learning about sex there is so much to learn about sex how can you think you possibly know everything about sex without ever
00:56:18
educating yourself and it's changing of course it is but people who think that they're born great lovers they don't you
00:56:24
know I think the female response system is complicated who knew what a clitoris was back in the day you know like
00:56:30
they're difficult stimul actually they're not that difficult you just give it a vibrator and then they're fine but
00:56:35
um you know it's not easy being a great lover and can I just say one more thing about orgasms is we worry too much about
00:56:43
orgasms and how we get them there is no right way to have an orgasm because everyone thinks the right way to have an orgasm is during intercourse with your partner and preferably them climaxing at
00:56:53
the same time simultaneous orgasms hardly ever happen for a start they're always faked so the easiest way to give
00:57:01
a woman an orgasm I mean great women can be very easily orgasmic if you use the right finger technique if you give her
00:57:07
the right oral sex technique but the thing that is most expert at stimulating the clitoris is vibration
00:57:14
most women can have an orgasm within three minutes with a vibrator so we have this big orgasm gut problem where men are having lots of orgasms during partner sex women aren't having very
00:57:25
many orgasms during partner sex because they don't understand each other very well because sometimes people just just
00:57:31
can't relax with another person there right so the solution is to put your hand in
00:57:37
the bedside drawer and bring out a vibrator and she would have an orgasm every single time the same way you have
00:57:42
an orgasm every single time why don't we all just do this it's the easiest solution in the world but we don't young
00:57:48
men are better at it they'll often say oh you know and she'll say if women are honest and they'll say look you know
00:57:54
that was fantastic but I kind of missed the moment a bit which you can as a woman can I just use my vibrator or can
00:57:59
you use the vibrator on me sorted but we have this like that's a cheating orgasm
00:58:05
yeah or that it takes something away from the couple knows yeah yeah but it's a solution I'm not saying have all your orgasms like that but just maybe now and
00:58:16
then have the vibrator in the bed and why is it inferior if you can have all that intimacy if you've had the oral sex you've had the Intercourse you've
00:58:23
thoroughly enjoyed it but it just hasn't given you that tip over what I mean by that question about this fundamental belief that kind of sex is supposed to take care of itself and I think that's
00:58:34
why we don't talk about it enough we don't research about it enough we don't try put invest in making it new and
00:58:41
exciting and different and all the things you've said is because we just shoot because at the start it kind of takes care of itself doesn't yes it does
00:58:47
yeah first couple of months and then all the sex hormones are there driving us driving us without even us having to
00:58:52
think about it and then we you don't think about sex as something you've got to work on and talk about and invest in
00:58:57
and buy stuff for and you know change all the time I've already got a job you know I don't know well unfortunately
00:59:04
that's what you have to do if you want a good sex life it's what you do and the thing is it makes me laugh because we
00:59:11
put effort into every other thing you don't I eat the same meal every single night you find it buy a good cookbook
00:59:17
and look up recipes and experiment with different things and no one goes well that's terrible without so much effort I don't have to do that I want to know how
00:59:23
to cook a three course caught on Blue meal without even looking at a cookbook well in the movies they never do it there's no movie where they sit and talk
00:59:29
about sex what did you like okay you'd like to do in the movies they come in the door and to pick them up and they
00:59:35
put their hands back and they rip the dress off oh you know and then do you know what I'm the worst person to watch TV with because I shout at the
00:59:41
television honestly there was a thing called Dr Foster did you ever watch that saran Jones was said it and there was
00:59:47
this couple they'd been together 10 years they woke up on a Sunday morning right Sunday morning just woke up she's
00:59:53
a cause full makeup lingerie everything um and next minute he's like thrown her against the wall they're having sex standing up and you know like all the like I thought oh
01:00:04
fake this is a couple 10 years in it is not happening like that and then even me
01:00:10
who knows that this doesn't happen this is not the norm I'm like a little bit like and I always turn to poor eyeballs
01:00:16
and I say you realize that's not true you realize that this is not a real and he's sort of like sitting there going
01:00:22
yep yep I do know like cover your eyes don't have unreal expectations don't think you're missing out on this and because it's sad because people try and they think that that hot sex at the
01:00:34
beginning should last a lifetime and when it goes and you think the next person you meet is going to last forever
01:00:40
this is this one's Gonna Last Forever and then of course it dies down and dies down and dies down you're like damn it I've got the wrong person you haven't
01:00:46
got the wrong person it's because all the sex and love hormones have stopped working that's the only way to keep
01:00:53
having sex like that the only way to keep having that beginning sex over and over is to swap Partners constantly
01:00:59
constantly swap partners and you can have that beginning bit over and over again it is impossible to have that type
01:01:05
of sex you have at the start when you're fueled by all these chemicals at the end of a relationship or during a
01:01:11
relationship anything over two years it's virtually you can have satisfying sex great sex exciting sex but it's not
01:01:18
fueled by the same hormone so you cannot recreate that and if people knew that no
01:01:24
matter what person you end up with then they would stop leaving perfectly good relationships in search of something
01:01:30
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01:02:26
it out I've talked in this conversation as if sexless relationships are in happy relationships yes but that is not true
01:02:33
is it no it's not true you can often have I mean people do instantly think if they're not having sex oh my God you
01:02:38
know divorce is coming soon no I mean you can get sex isn't the be-all and end-all for everybody lots of people are
01:02:44
very low sexual libidos if you've got two people who have low sex drives they have a lot of sex at the beginning or maybe not even that much and then all of a sudden it fades off they're perfectly
01:02:55
happy some people are happy having you know one great session every six months that's enough for them it keeps them
01:03:01
perfectly satisfied so long as both of you are like that but what doesn't work is if one of you is highly sex driven in
01:03:09
the beginning you know we all worry about compatibility please measure you know match up with somebody who has the
01:03:14
same sex drive as you and I know it's artificially inflated at the beginning but don't commit to anything until
01:03:20
you're six months in eight months in a year and don't marry anyone under that because you don't know what their sex
01:03:25
drive is wait until after a year and then you see and it's very difficult if you've got a massively higher sex drive
01:03:31
and your other one doesn't but you can be perfectly happy in sexist relationships so long as both of you are
01:03:37
happy with that and also you know they used to define a sexist relationship as couples who had sex 10 times a year now plenty of couples especially couples over 50 only have sex 10 times a year
01:03:50
and they were like indignant to be described as sexless so now they've changed it to a sexist relationship is
01:03:57
one where sex hasn't happened in a year and that's a low sex relationship to be 10 times a year but it's all dependent
01:04:04
on where you're at in life like if you if you've just had babies and they're under two you're not going to be having
01:04:10
a lot of sex if you're 18 you just got together you're going to be having an awful lot of sex you know if you're part
01:04:15
if you've just gone through menopause or perimenopause and everything's gone to hell you're not going to be having sex at that period of time so you can't
01:04:22
there is no one-size-fits-all thing so find your normal is what I would say and if you're normal is no sex so long as
01:04:30
you have a conversation about it that's fine but you what you cannot do is stop sex and not talk about it that is really really dangerous you've got to have some kind of discussion even if that's
01:04:42
getting into bed one night and one of you says we don't have sex much anymore do you does it bother you no it doesn't
01:04:48
really bother me good even if it's that but you do need and you need to have lots of affection lots of you need to make up for that don't stop touching physically because when sex stops people
01:05:01
often stop touching each other because they're worried that that's going to lead to sex and that's going to be awkward so keep up the effect that's why
01:05:07
you've got to have the chair if you don't have the chat affection stops and if affection and sex stops then you are
01:05:12
in trouble if you've got lots of affection you're okay it's so long as both of you are happy
01:05:19
interesting but you're not going to be happy if one person doesn't want sex to stop and the other one does that doesn't make for a
01:05:26
happy relationship at all and in that situation is it right to then just leave no you have to chat and the chat is but
01:05:32
they say in the chat no I want more sexes I don't want more sex than what you do well then you look at exactly you sort
01:05:38
of go through a process so you have the chat you talk about you make sure the sex that's on offer is good sex for the
01:05:44
person who doesn't want to you look at anything around it like you know have they got any childhood issues that need dealing with what are the you know why
01:05:51
don't do they not want to want if they don't want to want then you need to look at what happened you know sexual trauma
01:05:57
there's I mean if the person that doesn't want to have sex with you is willing to look at ways to become more
01:06:03
sexual stay of course stay you know there's always hope yes there's tons of stuff
01:06:09
you can do you know you can you can take strip sex right Back to Basics where you don't have penetrative sex for a year
01:06:15
you might do the sense8 Pocus program which is all about touching each other without sexual intent and it might be
01:06:21
that you have to go almost like you've got to learn how to have sex all over again if your partner is willing to try
01:06:28
anything's possible definitely don't walk out but if your partner says I don't want to have sex with you and I
01:06:34
have no interest in having sex I've got no interest in trying to you know bring get back my desire and you're not
01:06:42
allowed to have sex either you're not allowed to seek it anywhere else or you know apart from running off to the office and masturbating to porn well
01:06:49
which was have you gone I mean some people stay some people stay in that scenario because the love is very strong
01:06:54
and they've got kids or whatever but I think that's an incredibly selfish thing to say to a partner chapter nine of your
01:06:59
book it says that 33 of um couples said that they rarely or never have had sex and one quarter of those rated themselves as being extremely happy that's right so something like 75
01:07:13
of people who were denied sex nearly all of the time stay if the love is strong people choose love over sex and of course they do because how often are you having sex even if you're having sex a
01:07:24
lot even if you're having sex once a day twice a day it's still only really for half an hour each time so you know in
01:07:31
the proportion of the time you spend together you're the love bit's more important than the sex bit it definitely
01:07:37
is unless the sex bit is really bad and then it tends to poison the rest of the relationship
01:07:43
do you do any sort of therapy for couples the couples and do individuals come to you for
01:07:49
advice in a professional context to get no therapy I do friends and and friends and friends and stuff like that I don't
01:07:55
because I lack the skills to disassociate this is why I never became a therapist because I'm not very good at there are ways to solve a problem where you can stand outside the problem or you
01:08:06
stand right in the middle of it all and take it all on and I'm the stand in the middle person and I and I wouldn't ever be able to I would have no boundaries
01:08:13
they'd be calling me day and night so now I can't do that what are the most common questions that people ask you about sex and I'd like the ones that we
01:08:25
don't talk about enough so you know I don't know whether it's erectile dysfunction or whether it's oh
01:08:30
my God erectile dysfunction for men is women don't appreciate how having not been able to get direction or you know is is the biggest psychological catastrophe yeah men experience we can't
01:08:43
fake it no no penis envy who wants a penis I certainly don't want a penis it's all out there to see we can fake
01:08:48
everything but it's really difficult for men and I think men I mean we have a problem with Viagra by the way Viagra is
01:08:55
a big problem because young men take Viagra because they want to have the biggest hardest reactions ever and
01:09:01
they're worried about they're so performance you know they have so much performance anxiety because they're watching too much porn and they think
01:09:06
that that's real so they take Viagra because they think just this once you know I'll be I'll just when it's the
01:09:13
first time I sleep with her I want to be really hard and then of course you know eventually you stop it or try to and
01:09:18
your girlfriend says oh this isn't you know you're not as hard as you normally are and suddenly you're back on this cycle and then young women expect that
01:09:24
that is a normal erection which is not anyone who's looked at a Viagra driven erection and a normal erection they're
01:09:31
completely different and then on the other end of it you've got older couples who you know we've got two pop problems
01:09:38
with when you get over 50 or 60 men have erectile dysfunction and women have you
01:09:44
know dry vaginas and very you know the vagina basically atrophies so they've solved it for men great take this pill
01:09:51
and suddenly you're like you were 18 again but you're still with this vagina that's not 18 where it's going to hurt
01:09:56
like hell and then the man who suddenly Got The Swinging penis is like well what am I supposed to do with this and then
01:10:02
he goes off and cheats with somebody because he's so happy to have this this big rock art erection ago is there a
01:10:09
relationship problems age and infidelity um I'm not sure about that I would say as in men cheating later more likely to cheat later in life or I know they're middle-aged people cheat a lot because
01:10:20
that's when you've you've got choices yeah yeah you've got choices you're traveling you've got money and it's
01:10:25
probably easy to get away with you're bored you've had the kids you know you've established to take everything for granted
01:10:31
um you know things like that make people cheat it's opportunity Temptation and your moral code you know it's not to do
01:10:38
with love it is to do with respect though red flags in relationships the most compatible couples have compatible life goals something I've heard you say before yes
01:10:50
I think that is really important because it is all about its timing is so important and and life goals say you've
01:10:56
got you know you've got the perfect relationship now your girlfriend's great say suddenly you decided right I want to go off to Africa and work with pygmies
01:11:04
for five years this is my life goal you know what's she supposed to do of course it's
01:11:10
important to have the same goals if you've got one person who wants adventure and you like to be hiking every weekend and you know camping my
01:11:18
idea of hell they're not going to match well with somebody like me who wants to be in a nice hotel and you know having
01:11:24
lots of cocktails you know I mean like I don't mind the odd campy in hiking but do you know what I mean like you've got to have you got to be compatible there's
01:11:30
some stereotypes that still sort of exist and linger around sex and men and women being you know one of the ones
01:11:36
that I was reading about in chapter six of your book is studies show it's it's not true men have a high sex drive than
01:11:42
women women have a different desire for sex which you talked about studies also show it's not true that monogamy is
01:11:48
harder for men than it is for women we tend to think that men are the ones that cheat exactly which has never made sense
01:11:53
because if we just pretend the world for a second was due the heterosexual equation every time a man is having sex
01:12:00
in a heterosexual heterosexual world so as a woman so you know the numbers don't
01:12:05
quite add up it would one would assert just from the looking at the numbers that it's got to be quite close to like 50 50 to some degree yeah of course and
01:12:11
also like if you look at the stats on who's happiest the happiest people are single women and married men they're the
01:12:17
two happiest groups of people always single women and married men are the happiest I've been the happiest groups
01:12:23
of people like not married women married women like end up doing all the jobs and you know married women aren't happier than single women single women are happier than married women and married men are really happy
01:12:35
because they get everything done for them basically what role do kids play in this whole
01:12:41
equation oh my God kids I think really make the love part better I suppose because you've created that thing but they're terrible for sex terrible for sex I mean the minute the kids come
01:12:52
along you can kiss goodbye for sex for five years really really and people freak about it and they're like it's never going to come back and it will
01:12:58
come back of course it will but you know all your energy is going to children so I think if you're gonna have kids you've
01:13:04
got to accept that your sex life is going to take a back seat for a long long time don't panic about it keep
01:13:10
having little sexual connections that aren't necessarily including intercourse little bite-sized pieces of sex and
01:13:15
you'll be fine but don't kid yourself it's not going to change your sex life because it will boy will it people some
01:13:21
people think that having kids will save their relationship God no it's so stressful I don't I do not understand this every
01:13:28
time I see somebody with a child you only have to hang around children for about two seconds to realize how stressful they are if you've already got
01:13:34
problems in your relationship and suddenly you're going to sleep deprive yourself you're going to make have
01:13:39
somebody dependent on you 24 hours a day how is this going to make you more you know happier with your husband it
01:13:45
doesn't even make sense to me it might stop people leaving because of you know obligation but who wants to be with
01:13:52
somebody out of obligation you said something that um in your work that a neuroscientist told me on this
01:13:59
podcast which is that after the first year non-parents are generally happier over time than parents it's kind of a controversial idea it is a controversial idea but I mean there's a trade-off with
01:14:11
kids there's such a trade-off you can never I mean and I think there's I'm a step parent my husband has a daughter
01:14:18
and when we're going through hustles with Sophia which she she's a little darling but also could be a little devil
01:14:25
let me tell you um he can sleep I mean sorry I can sleep Mars can't sleep and when I and I lie
01:14:32
there and I think gosh if I had given birth to Sophia if she'd been you know I wouldn't be able to sleep there's no way
01:14:38
that I'd be able to sleep it's it's you are knowing that you're going to be worrying for the rest of your life once you have a kid
01:14:44
it's it's such a big responsibility and when you have that responsibility it means you know you're not going to be
01:14:50
able to do you're not selfless you become selfless then don't you can't be selfish and have a kid well you can you
01:14:56
can be a really bad parent but it's different isn't it it's really different I'm sure but then
01:15:02
parents say well you're the one that's missed out because you don't have this incredible and I have such a good
01:15:07
relationship with my mum and my dad and and us three kids are all Milling around them they're like 87 and 89 I'm thinking
01:15:13
no one's going to do that for me who's going to do that for me I have to pay for it so there is that when I hear that stuff I do wonder if it's the term
01:15:20
happiness is the confusing thing because you know a parent might say it's given me such a sense of purpose or meaning
01:15:25
yeah of course if you ask me in a survey on a Tuesday how I'm feeling after staying up till [ __ ] 2 A.M because
01:15:31
this kid was screaming I'm probably more likely to report at any given moment to being less happy but if you zoom out
01:15:36
there's more meaning and purpose one might say that to try and provide the counter argument um I mean how many people who say what's
01:15:42
the best thing you've ever done they say having children yeah everybody says that yeah and they can't all be lying no one
01:15:47
says a promotion at work or whatever else they say no they don't so it must be you know I mean not everybody says
01:15:52
that but I I do know mothers who say God you know what if I look back maybe I wouldn't have done this but they're very
01:15:58
brave and they told childless women that they never tell a woman with a child yeah
01:16:04
women's libido I was reading in um in chapter six about women's libido tends to drop
01:16:10
as as as they age whereas men's um seems to remain fairly stable throughout the relationship hey Bob but then they have the you know women struggle with the drop of um
01:16:21
because menopause with all the drop of testosterone and all the you know estrogen all those things that keep your
01:16:27
genitals in good shape and keep your sex drive high men's testosterone drops as well
01:16:32
but then they're struggling with directions so if you're an older man and you can get your head around that you're
01:16:38
not going to get erections as easily as you did and it doesn't bother you you're going to be fine um if you're a woman and you actually
01:16:45
you know get all the things that are available to you take HRT if you can like there's
01:16:50
solutions for all of this and don't think to yourself oh well we're old now we're not going to be sexual you'll be fine as well but I think people panic
01:16:57
you know when they hit a certain age and there's this perception you know like you know people get I did a campaign for
01:17:03
um replens which is a vagina moisturizer which most men blinker and good to see you didn't and it was all about and had
01:17:10
these beautiful images of um older people kissing passionately or naked from the back and and they were quite old they and they they were the most beautiful images and so many people were
01:17:21
threatened by that they were really threatened because there was old people doing sexual things and it would we're
01:17:27
not treated to that we don't see that very often so when somebody does that they um yeah people free they don't like
01:17:33
to think about older people having sex so when you're old you have it already in your head I'm not supposed to want sex anymore which is completely untrue
01:17:40
and is that why you wrote a book called great sex starts at 50. yes because for me that's what happened I went through the whole of my life with a high libido I've written about sex I thought this
01:17:51
isn't going to happen to me because I know everything about sex of course and then I hit like 50 no actually probably
01:17:58
even before that and suddenly I realized I remember typing away one day and thinking of course David I was single at
01:18:04
the time hadn't masturbated for ages what's going on have you even thought about sex for ages and it's the drop in
01:18:10
hormones and you know and it's quite extraordinary to that whole spontaneous desire I had very high spontaneous
01:18:17
design suddenly it went so I just suddenly became like other women I suppose and suddenly it was like oh my
01:18:23
God I see where everyone's going on about so I thought yeah for my own sake I might write that book
01:18:28
and it's very good writing that book there's a lot of Solutions in there what are some of the most important
01:18:34
solutions for my listeners that are maybe experiencing a similar situation again manage expectations keep having
01:18:40
sex that whole use it or lose it you've got to keep having sex that's very very important
01:18:46
um get your head around the whole thing about that old doesn't mean that you can't be sexy you can be it doesn't
01:18:51
matter what you look like it's what you feel like it's it's so many many different things and also you don't have to put I think a society particularly
01:18:58
English people we all put up with stuff like there are solutions for all of these things you know like if you've got to dry vagina go and get a vagina moisturizer go and get a you know
01:19:09
estrogen pessary there are solutions for everything that happens with menopause you don't have to sit there and just put
01:19:14
up with it all because if you do then you won't want to have sex definitely so seek all the solutions don't be scared
01:19:19
to to try and find solutions to all these things because they really are out there change your headset you know and
01:19:25
the women it's interesting that they did a big thing about what really influences
01:19:31
women's desire post menopause and it wasn't menopause it was your attitude to sex if you'd always loved sex and you wanted sex to continue you found the
01:19:42
solutions and you kept on having great sex if you were never that Keen it's like well actually you know what here we
01:19:49
go an obstacle what a great salute what a great sort of excuse to never have sex again so its attitude was way more
01:19:56
important to how good the sex was after menopause nothing to do with menopause it seems again like the one of the
01:20:02
foundations behind all of this that's kind of hiding in the back room when it as it relates to people's libido and
01:20:08
their attitudes to sex is that kind of childhood experiences we talked about which is super tricky to unpack and even
01:20:13
become aware of and we all have our own childhood experiences of sex intimacy relationships some cases in the worst case is abuse and all those things that's terrible that we need to find a
01:20:24
way to overcome first or address first before we can even that's right and I mean particularly for men often their
01:20:30
first experience childhood experience of sex is being caught masturbating and how the parent deals with that is
01:20:37
very formative because if it's like absolutely what are you doing you know like do you it's very filthy it's dirty
01:20:42
it's like what are you doing then they are going to continue to masturbate because pretty
01:20:48
much they do but they're going to try and do it faster and faster and faster so every time they masturbate they're
01:20:54
going to be trying to get it down to as quick as quick as possible time so that they don't get in trouble again and then they end up with rapid ejaculation they
01:21:00
can last two seconds before they ejaculate so that's affected their sex life in a in a purely physical way it
01:21:06
sets us up in so many different ways our childhood you know and I mean I was lucky to grow up in a household where
01:21:12
why a household was like that but we just talked about sex opening I suppose my sister worked for Family Planning
01:21:18
which helped but that was later so I don't know my mum and my dad were really cool talking about sex and things and so
01:21:24
I grew up thinking oh yeah all households are like that but they're not it's an unknown and known so how do you go about even solving for those things I
01:21:30
guess you have to go to therapy and start unpacking it yeah or just unpack it yourself you have to just think about you don't necessarily have to go to
01:21:35
therapy there's so much I mean the joy of the internet is there's so much online that you can do if you typed in
01:21:41
you know I don't like sex as my parents you know taught me there's a book called sex marginally which is very good about
01:21:46
childhoods sex smart it's called sex smart yeah you can still buy it's an old book but it sort of delves into all of
01:21:53
this and yeah I mean I think I'm So Pro therapy I think everybody should go to therapy no one has a perfect childhood
01:21:59
in fact having a perfect childhood can also set you up for things so you know if we if we have a problem if you have a
01:22:06
problem with sex you know going to see a really good sex therapist is could sort it out very quickly so don't leave it
01:22:12
too late oh God I work out and I can't even pick all these books this isn't even all the books is it no so you've got hot relationships how to have one great sex starts at 50. the sex
01:22:24
doctor fix your love life fast hot sex how how to do it we've got dare oh yeah oh that looks very uh 50 Shades it is a bit more Hots more hot sex would
01:22:38
um would like to meet yeah that was the TV show I did about dating oh yes okay interesting with that
01:22:45
there's a question there I should ask because I'm thinking again about a friend that's just popped to mind is there something going on with male
01:22:53
and female dating in terms of it becoming more difficult in the modern day and age there's some stats that one
01:22:58
of my podcast guests shared about how women are um having less children and they're
01:23:04
finding it more difficult to date and to find a compatible male in the modern way that Society is designed
01:23:11
and I've got friends that are you know around that sort of mid late 30s range that are really really really
01:23:17
struggling in the modern world it's almost I almost men or women or both women right I almost suspect that
01:23:23
um I actually didn't have that many friends that were in that region that aren't um but it's almost like there's a
01:23:28
generation almost caught in a gap where you're eating gen Z native to social media the internet you know that's the
01:23:34
where they grew up and then maybe the older generation already already partnered off because you know they met someone at church yeah yeah this
01:23:42
generation who were caught in the Gap are they all high achieving women yeah yeah exactly that's the problem so what
01:23:48
happens is you get and this is why there are more and more single women now because more and more women are high achieving so they're not like looking
01:23:54
for a husband straight away and when you've got a big gene pool of people to you know like when you come out of uni
01:23:59
or even before you go into uni because lots of people meet at Union Stay Together you've got this big you know
01:24:05
like numbers game you've got loads of women single loads of men single and you sort of all hook up and if your
01:24:10
motivation is to get married and have kids and that's your only motivation you're going to find a partner early and that's it you job done keep going right
01:24:17
assuming it all goes well but if your motivation isn't necessarily that if you want to go on to University you know get
01:24:24
your career reassorted and then turn around and have kids like at 30 okay right now achieved I'm at the past you
01:24:31
know where I want to have kids but and I can take a bit of a break here and and then suddenly where is he well he's not
01:24:37
there because he's already been taken up everybody else and Men traditionally don't like dating High achieving women unless they're high achieving themselves and the amount of high achieving women
01:24:49
is getting higher and the amount of high achieving men is getting lower so you've got even less of a pool to choose from
01:24:54
so the answer for the women is to think outside the square and think right okay do I really need the guy who's got the
01:25:00
degree because women High achieving women like to go for high achieving men statistically it's just generally what
01:25:07
happens isn't it if I've got a degree I want somebody else who's got a degree so then you have to change your wish list a
01:25:13
little bit and think okay I'm gonna you know looking at I'm not going to be as rigid with my you know must-haves and
01:25:21
perhaps you know think about things like well does it really matter how much he earns if I'm already earning lots of money you know isn't kindness you know
01:25:28
generosity sense of humor attractiveness you know just general chemistry isn't that isn't that enough so if you go for those qualities you end up a lot better off and end up happier as well is that
01:25:41
against our innate wiring because you know some people sometimes say that men care less about the financial resources
01:25:48
of their partner um so does that kind of go for me if I'm a if I'm a woman and I'm looking for a a partner am I going to look for someone who is
01:26:00
kind of up and to the right probably but that doesn't necessarily work see for me that didn't work because if I'm I'm like very alpha female so
01:26:11
whenever I went out with an alpha male we were just like they hated each other it's like I'm the boss I'm the boss no if I were off now
01:26:17
I'm controlling you no you know no it didn't work at all didn't work at all very competitive I'm too competitive
01:26:22
they were too competitive that didn't work so so I've got I mean my partner is really proud of me he's not at all um threatened in the slightest by any
01:26:35
success any success I've have he's my biggest proudest supporter he and and we work
01:26:41
differently like you know if if my thing is to you know um if you know I make more money than
01:26:48
him he doesn't mind me saying that because he's he's fine with it and so if I've got my money that's great so
01:26:53
therefore you know if he's got more time than me to do the traditional female things then he's fine with that and then
01:26:59
sometimes other times I'll do it and you know he assumes the male role so it's very um you know we're comfortable with
01:27:06
each other we we you know we don't care care that I tick the mailboxes in some roles and he ticks the female boxes and
01:27:13
it works very well and and I think you have to I think that's hopefully where we're headed but there is there are some
01:27:19
times where I mean I know I know I'm not typical with females I know that a lot of women you know won't go out with a
01:27:26
man unless he makes a lot of money particularly if they make a lot of money they won't I've never been like that
01:27:31
I've never been get their money it's my if I want money I'll make it myself thanks I don't want to have someone
01:27:36
else's money that's not mine so I do think it's a big problem for women and men I
01:27:42
think we both have to especially women have to stop being so rigid with that you know and how expect the man to
01:27:48
provide I think men have to stop being so feeling emasculated if it's the woman who's owning more so what who cares as
01:27:55
soon as someone's got some money somewhere along the line who cares which one if you're in that age range between say 30 and 40 and you're a woman and
01:28:03
you're single and you don't want to be single I think that's important so you don't want to be single you want to have you know you want to meet your partner
01:28:09
you want to have a family whatever it might be what advice would you give to that person I'm thinking now about my a
01:28:15
series of my close um friends that are women that are single in that range and that have expressed that they they don't
01:28:22
want to be single um but they're struggling for all the reasons you said super high achieving
01:28:27
um you know they're they've got great careers they're very very busy because of that as well they've you know yeah
01:28:32
that was the issue isn't it it's um I mean I was talking about Helen Gurley Brown the cosmo founder and she always said you can have it all and that's the biggest lie when we've been sold you
01:28:43
can't have it all there is something that gives and and these high Achievers yeah they have compromised their chances
01:28:49
of finding a partner by putting it all into their career you can't have it all and I did that I mean it took me to 50.
01:28:55
I had lots of relationships it took me to 50 to find somebody that was I was compatible with it's not easy it's
01:29:02
really really difficult and I was out there meeting tons of people so first except that it's nothing to do with you
01:29:08
doesn't mean that you're not attractive or anything you're probably less marketable because you're too intelligent and some men would be
01:29:14
freaked by that and you're too successful and some men would be freaked by that they don't know what to do with you and it makes them feel bad because
01:29:20
they're going to those traditional patterns like how she's going to go out with me you know I'm not as successful as her so I'm not even going to try so
01:29:28
you have to make the approach number one um change your wish list to become qualities personality qualities not you know must be a certain height must be a certain income must drive this car must
01:29:39
you know all those sort of things because they really don't match so and um and also date outside of type like go
01:29:45
out with people look beyond the exterior see what's inside like I think they'll be very quick to go oh I
01:29:52
know I can't grow with that person you know like go on a couple of days and even if the first date's disaster go on two or three days go on at least
01:30:00
three with people you know go out all the time often these women are so busy it's like well when it when do you actually go out to actually put yourself in a situation where you can meet someone never
01:30:11
they're not going to walk in your Lounge room are they unless you sort of order delivery and you know they're really not
01:30:16
so come on you've got to make some effort here you've got to do the numbers game and I don't know where that dating
01:30:21
apps are the right way forward but they're probably the only way it's the way that most people meet so you kind of have to just suck it up and get on there
01:30:28
I think I think that's phenomenal advice I was really really happy you said that as well because I know certain friends
01:30:35
of mine could be listening um and hate me for it no I don't think so I think it's it's an opinion it's one that makes
01:30:41
um sense and I think that's all that anyone can deliver on this podcast and that's that's why I like it it's and it
01:30:48
actually matches the opinion I had from a man previously on this podcast who received quite a
01:30:54
um when a man says those kinds of things I don't think it's received as well necessarily because they're speaking from a place of like they don't have the
01:30:59
lived experience and there's a lot of like gender inequality things that are you know historical things with men and
01:31:05
um the term one of my previous guests used to describe it was um tall girl problem
01:31:12
that you see what I mean it's not a good it's not necessarily the most um yeah yes you could say small man problem
01:31:19
yeah exactly it's the same thing you know this is an interesting question it's probably the question I should have started with what is sex
01:31:26
well sex certainly isn't intercourse and people need to stop thinking of sex as intercourse sex is any type of
01:31:33
any type of feeling word thought that makes you feel aroused that's how I describe sex and what what purpose is it solving why does it exist to create other human beings this is why
01:31:46
you know our going right back to the beginning this whole thing that we have that you know why can't we have the sex
01:31:52
at the beginning all the way through because it doesn't suit it wouldn't work if you were so in you know loss driven
01:31:58
and all you wanted to do was shag like rabbits you would never get anything else done you certainly wouldn't have children you certainly wouldn't have a job so we are designed to keep the world
01:32:07
in a safe place we go through lust and infatuation romance attachment for a reason so that we calm down if we don't
01:32:14
have the hot sex and we keep the world you know we bring up our children in a sensible way and the world continues
01:32:20
what does that say about monogamy though because if that's probably not natural that's what I was going to say because
01:32:27
if my sex drive is deteriorating to any degree one would suggest that's encouraging me to go shag someone else
01:32:34
well it is but you don't because you love your partner so you you it's a trade-off it's always a trade-off you can have the love and this contentment
01:32:41
and the companionship and this is why older you know you'd asked about um infidelity statistics older people
01:32:48
don't cheat very much who are in good relationships because they're not having that drive that that lust is gone you
01:32:55
know your your sex drive is lower as you get older and it's the trade-off it's like yeah I could go out and cheat and
01:33:01
have really hot sex but I'm gonna have to look my partner in the eye and I really love my partners so I'm gonna I'm
01:33:06
happy to wave goodbye to that hot sex I've had enough of it in my life so it depends on your motivation so if you are
01:33:11
driven by sex then just don't settle down keep swapping partners and get that out of your system and then you're not going to be dishonest to anyone but if
01:33:18
you do want a relationship sometimes you have to go okay we can have great sex it's not going to be like the same exit
01:33:26
you have at the beginning but you know what I've got two kids I've got a great wife I've got you know it's a trade-off
01:33:31
in life isn't it everything's a trade-off so you don't think monogamy is uh natural
01:33:36
I think that for sex no I think for sex no it's absolutely not for our sex drive it's the worst things
01:33:43
to give some security in you know predictability and stuff and the same person over and over no not for our sex
01:33:48
drive but the problem is is that the alternative is polyamory right so you have this one love relationship and then
01:33:55
you seek sex elsewhere now in theory that really appeals to me I can see that that would be great right but I'm never
01:34:02
gonna I'm not gonna feel comfortable waving off my husband bye darling you have a great time you know don't worry about what time you get back no way I'm
01:34:09
he's my you know his possession isn't it it's ownership it's sexual ownership you know I you're not going to you might
01:34:16
want to do it yourself but you're not going to send your partner off and they might want to do it themselves but they're not going to send you off so I don't know what the solution is I really
01:34:22
don't well as you said in life you can't have it all so everything is trade-offs yeah there's another trade-off where I'm
01:34:29
sure some people would love to be able to have sex with other people but they wouldn't be able they wouldn't want to reciprocate that exactly to their
01:34:35
partner we have a closing tradition on this podcast where the last guest leaves a question for the next guest not knowing who they're leaving it for
01:34:41
and the question that's been left for you okay when you are near the end of your life
01:34:48
and looking back over it what will you be proudest of and what will you regret the most gosh um
01:35:00
proudest of my career and having helped people and one of the really annoying people
01:35:06
when you're in a dinner party who's just knew what they wanted to do really early on with the writing and then that
01:35:11
happened very early with my parents um so I'm really proud of that my first book I was so excited I literally you
01:35:18
know that when you just jump on the spot I was literally jumping on the spot I didn't really do regrets actually I
01:35:23
don't really do regrets maybe I wish that I was more or had been more confident I'm confident on the outside
01:35:29
but not on the inside I'm the most confident unconfident person you'll ever meet so and probably realize that
01:35:37
no one's looking at you they're too busy worrying about themselves I wish I'd sort of calm down a bit and was more
01:35:43
confident what's the symptoms of that inner lack of confidence um insecurity like going away and like every you know the first time I listened
01:35:55
to this for instance it'll be like oh my God I was terrible look at me look at the way I look look at oh my God why
01:36:00
didn't I do something else with my hands what you know like I'll go through it then then I'll go don't be silly and then I'll listen to it and then I'll
01:36:06
have an okay opinion about it but yeah there's still that little bit there any idea where that's come from yeah parents
01:36:12
when you're left on your own and feel abandoned at the age of 15 that's not great is it and then all these small things are a
01:36:20
potential abandonment uh maybe people don't think yeah yeah yeah yeah it's funny I'm confident I'm confident of my abilities
01:36:31
um professionally I'm confident that I'm intelligent um I don't know I suppose yeah you never
01:36:37
really I mean I remember when I studied psychology and the and the guy just got up there and said he was a great lecturer and he said it's all about your
01:36:43
childhood and we all just rolled our eyes and went oh for God's sake it's so like how ridiculous it's not it's not
01:36:49
and it is it really is like I'm still that 15 year old girl that stood there terrified you know this she's still there and um yeah so it's interesting but I
01:37:01
put on a good show like everybody you certainly do put on a good show thank you so much Tracy um thank you giving me so much answered so many of my questions and I know for for sure for
01:37:13
sure people are going to tell you I'm sure they're going to message you but for sure for sure I can say on behalf of all of the people that have listened you've helped them oh I hope today thank
01:37:20
you and I think everybody will take away something different from that which is why it's so incredible I'm gonna do something I've never done before because
01:37:26
I really want to illustrate how I believe you've helped people the previous guests that left you a question
01:37:32
and you know I don't usually tell people this is a guy called Robert waldinger and what he has committed his life to is
01:37:38
something called the Harvard study of well-being I'm going to call it that I know I've got one word there wrong right I'm gonna call it the Harvard study of well-being which was the longest ever study done on a group
01:37:51
of people to understand what makes people fundamentally happy at the most basic level so they followed people for
01:37:56
almost 90 years the same group of people even you know the founders of the study have actually died so they've passed the
01:38:01
study on to Robert and at the very heart of what they found on this study which ended up being a TED Talk which has done 45 million views it's the most one of
01:38:08
the most listened TED talks of all time is that the thing that makes us most happy in life and also healthiest in terms of an
01:38:15
insulation from stress is relationships it's number one men that have positive romantic relationships um Live 14 years longer women seven years longer that's right and one of the
01:38:26
things that ends ends great relationships and leads us to isolation and loneliness is sexual issues I see it
01:38:33
in all of my friends and the work you're doing is therefore um in its very essence helping people to
01:38:39
to solve the most important problem of all which is connection relationships so it's incredible work to be doing and
01:38:45
it's work that a lot of people will want to do and confront because of the stigmas and taboos that still remain so thank you so much Tracy thank you thank
01:38:52
you for being so wonderful wonderful compliment you're captivating no you really are you're really really captivating and you're super smart and
01:38:58
you know your stuff and you've looked at all the research um you really are the the best at this so thank you for being here thank you
01:39:03
for helping me you have um and thank you for helping all of our wonderful listeners thank you I'm going to walk away very confident now thank
01:39:08
you awesome and you look amazing by the way your dress is fantastic everything about you is fantastic so yeah thank you
01:39:16
you know I never really usually pick the chocolate flavored heels my favorite are the banana flavor I love The Salted
01:39:23
Caramel flavor but recently I think I in part blame Jack in my team who's obsessed with the chocolate flavor heals I've started drinking the chocolate flavor heels for the first time and I absolutely love them my life means that
01:39:35
I sometimes disregard my diet and it's funny that's part of the reason why I've had a lot of guests on this podcast recently that talk about diet and health
01:39:42
and those kinds of things because I am trying to make an active effort to be more healthy to lose a little bit of weight as well but to be more healthy
01:39:48
and the role that he'll plays in my life is it means that in those moments where sometimes I might reach for
01:39:55
you know junk Foods having an option that is nutritionally complete that is high in fiber that is
01:40:01
incredibly high in protein that has all the vitamins and minerals that my body needs within Arm's Reach that I can
01:40:06
consume on the go is where he always been a game changer for me you got to the end of this podcast whenever someone
01:40:12
gets to the end of this podcast I feel like I owe them a greater debt of gratitude because that means you listen to the whole thing and hopefully that
01:40:17
suggests that you enjoyed it if you are at the end and you enjoyed this podcast could you do me a little bit of a favor
01:40:23
and hit that subscribe button that's one of the clearest indicators we have that this episode was a good episode and we
01:40:29
look at that on all of the episodes to see which episodes generated the most subscribers thank you so much and I'll see you again
01:40:35
next time [Music]