00:00:02
this is beautiful thank you for being
00:00:04
here that's amazing Cheryl Sandberg Adam
00:00:08
Grant in your home territory home turf
00:00:12
this is a very long time coming um you
00:00:15
don't know this but in 2010 I had a
00:00:18
student in one of my MBA classes send me
00:00:21
this Ted Talk and I was like okay cool
00:00:24
I'll I'll watch it later and then about
00:00:26
an hour later another student sent me
00:00:27
the same talk and with in the first 3
00:00:30
hours I had about a dozen emails and I
00:00:32
was like this is really annoying I'm
00:00:34
going to I'm going to watch this talk so
00:00:36
I clicked I've been annoying you ever
00:00:37
since it's
00:00:39
true but I I watched the talk and I was
00:00:41
like oh this is this is cool it's a you
00:00:43
know it's a woman leader talking about
00:00:45
women leaders it's like the Seinfeld
00:00:46
episode with the coffee table book about
00:00:48
coffee tables and then and then I
00:00:51
watched a little further and you were
00:00:54
using all these studies some of the same
00:00:56
studies that I talked about in my own
00:00:57
classroom and I was like wow this is
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kind of
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awesome and then I started reading
00:01:05
admissions essays and there were just
00:01:08
scores of essays where our students
00:01:11
wrote I'm applying to business school
00:01:13
because I want to follow in Cheryl
00:01:14
sandberg's footsteps and it happened
00:01:16
over and over again and then in the
00:01:18
classroom I would ask what leaders do
00:01:20
you admire and students would name
00:01:22
hundreds and hundreds of male leaders
00:01:24
and yours was basically the only female
00:01:26
name that ever came up and then Leen in
00:01:29
came out and I read in and there was
00:01:31
this sentence that that just it hooked
00:01:34
me um there are a lot of powerful
00:01:35
sentences in that book but my very
00:01:37
favorite one was the one where you said
00:01:39
I I was on a treadmill reading a
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sociology
00:01:45
Journal Cheryl are you aware that even
00:01:48
sociologists don't do
00:01:51
that I'm a geek I enjoy that um so
00:01:55
welcome it's such a treat to finally
00:01:57
have you here seven years later thank
00:01:58
you for coming I'm so glad to be here
00:01:59
everyone this is really
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fun so we're going to we're going to
00:02:08
talk about option being and resilience
00:02:09
for the first half we're going to talk
00:02:10
about women leadership and leanin for
00:02:12
the second half um I want to start
00:02:15
talking about Dave though um Dave gave
00:02:18
me one of the greatest gifts I've ever
00:02:20
received in my life which was an
00:02:21
introduction to you and I wonder if you
00:02:23
could just talk to us a little bit about
00:02:25
how you met and uh what it was that made
00:02:27
you fall in love with him
00:02:30
um let me say again thank you to all of
00:02:32
you for being here it's really I feel I
00:02:34
feel very close to you all because I'm
00:02:36
so close to Adam I even got to talk on
00:02:38
the speaker the other day to one of your
00:02:40
classes early in the morning um but it's
00:02:43
really it's really nice to be here where
00:02:45
Adam teaches and Adam's work worked and
00:02:48
so many of the great ideas that I've
00:02:50
learned uh I know Adam's always quoting
00:02:52
his students as them coming from them so
00:02:54
it's a real honor for
00:02:56
me um I met my husband in 1996
00:03:00
like weren of you born
00:03:05
then um I had just uh graduated from
00:03:08
business school I had gotten divorced I
00:03:10
moved to LA to work for McKenzie and I
00:03:13
didn't really know anyone I was moving
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far away on purpose to try to get away
00:03:17
from what was uh personally painful at
00:03:19
the time and a friend of mine I I was
00:03:23
dating someone he was out of town a
00:03:25
friend of mine was going to dinner in a
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movie with a friend so he invited me and
00:03:29
and the three of us went to dinner in a
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movie and I fell asleep on the friend's
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shoulder the friend was Dave and he
00:03:35
thought that me I was super into
00:03:38
him but now he yeah well now he he knew
00:03:41
then he learned later that I fall asleep
00:03:43
on anyone's
00:03:44
shoulder especially in any
00:03:47
movie Dave became my friend I think it
00:03:50
was right after I got divorced I wasn't
00:03:51
ready to date anyone who was the right
00:03:53
person and I dated a bunch of the wrong
00:03:55
person for a bunch of years and then I
00:03:58
said to my mom I was dating someone and
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breaking up and I just said I don't feel
00:04:02
lucky this person's not you know it's
00:04:05
it's not working not not the right
00:04:07
person and then I said whoever marries
00:04:08
Dave Goldberg is going to be the
00:04:10
luckiest person in the world and he was
00:04:11
my friend and my mom said well you
00:04:12
should really listen to
00:04:15
that and so Dave and I Dave and I
00:04:17
started dating and then we got married
00:04:19
and had two
00:04:20
children uh Dave uh Adam knew him Dave
00:04:23
was brilliant brilliant brilliant
00:04:26
brilliant Dave never believed kind of
00:04:28
what everyone else believed he always
00:04:29
had his own view on everything and he
00:04:31
wasn't afraid to say it but he never
00:04:33
said it in that I know more than you way
00:04:34
he said it in that you have your opinion
00:04:36
I totally respect it but here's mine and
00:04:39
I feel it
00:04:41
strongly um Dave was funny he played a
00:04:44
lot of April Fool's jokes not always on
00:04:46
April fools almost always on
00:04:50
me Dave was a great father and a great
00:04:53
friend
00:04:55
and I was lucky for a long time
00:04:59
and then I
00:05:02
wasn't so I remember um I remember after
00:05:05
the funeral you it was so telling
00:05:07
instead of you I think a lot of people
00:05:09
in that situation would have asked like
00:05:11
how do I get through this you know I've
00:05:12
just lost this person who's the center
00:05:14
of my world your question was how do I
00:05:16
get my kids through this um and I was
00:05:19
struck then as as so often by how how
00:05:21
other focused you were um when you think
00:05:24
about all kinds of adversity or hardship
00:05:29
what what are the most important things
00:05:30
you've learned about how to get other
00:05:32
people through
00:05:34
it I was totally unprepared for a
00:05:36
tragedy Dave died suddenly we had no
00:05:38
idea I found him I had to tell my
00:05:41
children they were seven and 10 that
00:05:42
their father was
00:05:44
gone and grief which is something I had
00:05:47
read about but not
00:05:49
experienced it's an overwhelming thing
00:05:51
it felt like a void closing in on me my
00:05:54
brother-in-law described it as a boot
00:05:56
pushing on his chest and I had no idea
00:05:58
what to do
00:06:01
and I didn't invite anyone to the
00:06:03
funeral I was just in a fog and Adam
00:06:06
showed up and at the end of the Shiva at
00:06:08
my house you know everyone was leaving
00:06:10
and I asked Adam to
00:06:11
stay and I was like oh
00:06:16
psychologist this could be good and
00:06:19
helpful seriously I was like maybe and I
00:06:21
looked at him and I'm sure hysterical I
00:06:23
was like what do I do how am I going to
00:06:25
get my kids through this like tell me
00:06:27
what to do and Adam did something thing
00:06:29
that might not have worked for everyone
00:06:31
but for me was incredibly
00:06:32
comforting which is he started
00:06:34
summarizing the
00:06:36
research no this
00:06:39
was this is by the way this is the
00:06:41
idiot's guide to how to be a good friend
00:06:43
like I know what's going to cheer you up
00:06:45
cherl longitudinal
00:06:47
studies but it did I mean it didn't
00:06:50
cheer me up it didn't cheer me up
00:06:52
nothing could cheer me up but it helped
00:06:54
Adam said okay there's been one
00:06:56
longitudinal study very well done of
00:06:57
children who have gone through divorce
00:07:00
or lost parents and here's what it says
00:07:03
and then he said um here are the Trap
00:07:07
psychologists talk about the 3ps you
00:07:10
know Etc but it it it didn't help lift
00:07:13
the grief at all but it gave me steps I
00:07:16
could take and what I learned with Adam
00:07:19
I was asking the wrong questions how do
00:07:21
I how do I get my kids through it was
00:07:23
the right question but the wrong
00:07:24
question I followed up on was well how
00:07:26
much resilience do they have how much
00:07:28
resilience do I have how do I figure out
00:07:30
if we're going to make it he was like no
00:07:32
no no resilience is a muscle you build
00:07:34
it you build it in yourself you build it
00:07:36
in other people don't ask me how much
00:07:37
you have ask me how to build it and for
00:07:41
I know there are a lot of people I just
00:07:42
had an opportunity to meet with some
00:07:44
amazing students they right here who are
00:07:46
in a grief group on campus supporting
00:07:48
each other when the grief closes in it
00:07:51
is a complete loss of control it feels
00:07:54
like there's nothing you can do and
00:07:55
there is in many ways nothing you can do
00:07:57
so when anyone gives you any steps you
00:07:59
can take particularly for me ones that
00:08:01
social scientists had studied that they
00:08:03
knew worked that was a lifeline and in
00:08:07
many ways the path to writing optionb
00:08:09
and forming optionb.org so let let's
00:08:11
talk about the 3ps since you mentioned
00:08:13
them um I remember when I first brought
00:08:15
them up you were like what why do you
00:08:16
psychologists need three of
00:08:18
everything why do they have to start
00:08:20
with the same letter um but we we talked
00:08:23
a lot about the the traps of of
00:08:25
personalization this is my fault
00:08:27
pervasiveness this is going to ruin
00:08:28
every part of my life permanence I'm
00:08:30
going to feel this way forever and I
00:08:33
wonder if you could just talk about
00:08:34
getting through those yeah Adam said
00:08:36
look when you face adversity and it's
00:08:38
not just death it can be the Small
00:08:41
Things losing a job getting fired not
00:08:45
getting into a school you want to get
00:08:47
into the breakups the big things death
00:08:50
cancer
00:08:51
incarceration you know serious long-term
00:08:54
unemployment these things don't cure
00:08:56
everything but there are these
00:08:58
psychological traps you can follow into
00:08:59
and I was falling into all three he told
00:09:01
me about them and then he just kept
00:09:02
pointing them out so personalization
00:09:04
it's your fault I blamed myself I blame
00:09:07
myself for Dave dying we originally
00:09:09
thought he had fallen off an exercise
00:09:11
machine my brother's a neurosurgeon and
00:09:14
he kept telling me that wasn't
00:09:15
true but then we figured out we had an
00:09:18
autopsy he died of coronary artery
00:09:20
disease I'm the only non- doctor in my
00:09:22
family I didn't understand why I
00:09:24
couldn't diagnose it maybe I should have
00:09:25
gone to medical school as everyone told
00:09:27
me all along but I I didn't diagnose it
00:09:30
I didn't solve it I didn't fix it then
00:09:32
when I kind of got over that because
00:09:34
everyone explained I wasn't a
00:09:36
doctor I was upset that I was
00:09:38
inconveniencing everyone all the people
00:09:40
at Facebook that were taking meetings
00:09:41
from me my mom who gave up her life to
00:09:44
live with me for a while I said
00:09:47
sorry like always every sentence was I'm
00:09:50
sorry for this I'm sorry for that and so
00:09:53
Adam told me I wasn't allowed to say
00:09:54
sorry anymore yeah and then you were
00:09:56
like well I apologize for
00:10:00
that's not okay either but Adam said if
00:10:03
you if you don't he told me that if I
00:10:05
didn't stop blaming myself my kids can't
00:10:06
recover cuz I couldn't recover and as
00:10:09
we've done the resilience research and
00:10:11
I've learned from such great research
00:10:12
Adam's done it's not just forgiving
00:10:15
yourself when it wasn't your fault it's
00:10:17
forgiving yourself when it was
00:10:18
self-compassion turns out to be hugely
00:10:20
important for
00:10:21
Recovery we formed optionb.org and we
00:10:24
put this Ted Talk up it's by this woman
00:10:27
and she has a story of another woman who
00:10:28
got divorced first and a while after
00:10:31
that was going on her first date and she
00:10:33
was all excited and she gets dressed up
00:10:35
she goes and the guy leaves after 10
00:10:37
minutes and then and wait she as she
00:10:40
tells the story she says the friend said
00:10:42
to her you know you're unattractive and
00:10:44
boring of course he left right there's
00:10:47
the gasp right but a friend didn't say
00:10:50
that to her she said it to
00:10:53
herself a friend would never say the
00:10:55
things we say to ourselves our friends
00:10:57
are usually so much nicer than we are to
00:10:59
ourselves and finding self-compassion
00:11:02
there are tragedies that happen that are
00:11:04
people's faults and Adam and I on
00:11:05
purpose included them in this book and
00:11:07
those people have to forgive themselves
00:11:09
too and that doesn't
00:11:10
mean anything anyone does is okay and
00:11:13
there's not real responsibility and
00:11:14
there shouldn't be real punishment
00:11:15
that's not what we're saying but what
00:11:17
we're saying is when when things happen
00:11:19
we have to find self-compassion speak to
00:11:22
ourselves as we would to a friend and
00:11:24
men and women do this women do this more
00:11:26
but we speak to ourselves much more than
00:11:29
we would ever to a
00:11:32
friend the second is pervasiveness is
00:11:35
everything in your life everything in my
00:11:36
life is a disaster and it definitely
00:11:38
felt that way it really felt that
00:11:42
way and the third was permanence was
00:11:44
Adam and others who had been through
00:11:46
real loss Adam with his experience
00:11:47
others saying it it would feel better
00:11:51
and I did not believe
00:11:54
it the grief is still here the sadness
00:11:56
lingers but it does not feel the way it
00:11:58
did to we 2 years ago I can breathe
00:12:02
there is no longer a boot sitting on my
00:12:03
brother-in-law's chest and we want
00:12:06
people to know that those are the traps
00:12:09
so they can help get not just themselves
00:12:12
but other people out of them you said I
00:12:15
think a long time after we we began the
00:12:18
discussion about the 3ps we said I wish
00:12:19
I had known this when I was in college
00:12:21
and in business school can you tell us
00:12:23
yeah I think these are actually really
00:12:25
good thoughts traps that you can all
00:12:27
avoid right my first day of work after
00:12:32
college I went to the World Bank someone
00:12:34
asked me to enter data into what was
00:12:36
Lotus 123 it's a
00:12:40
spreadsheet I didn't know how to do that
00:12:42
even though I studied
00:12:44
economics and the guy who's a professor
00:12:46
said to me I can't believe you got this
00:12:48
job not knowing how to do this and left
00:12:50
the room so I went home crying to my
00:12:52
three roommates from college and said
00:12:54
I'm about to get fired because the guy I
00:12:57
work for just said I shouldn't have
00:12:58
gotten the job and it's only day
00:13:01
one but it wasn't pervasive I wasn't bad
00:13:04
at everything I was just bad at
00:13:05
spreadsheets and I learned and then when
00:13:07
I got divorced you know I got divorced
00:13:10
young and early I was 25 I thought I was
00:13:12
the biggest failure in the world and I
00:13:15
thought I would never recover it would
00:13:17
affect all areas of my
00:13:19
life you know and it was my fault and so
00:13:23
just applying those lessons to even the
00:13:25
small stuff I've already found can make
00:13:27
a really big difference
00:13:30
so let's uh let's talk a little bit
00:13:32
about uh some of the the discussions
00:13:35
around how to imagine alternative paths
00:13:40
um I remember just a couple weeks after
00:13:42
Dave passed away uh we were we were
00:13:45
sitting uh in your family room with your
00:13:47
mom and I I told you that you should
00:13:51
imagine how this could be
00:13:53
worse so you all know this Adam's one of
00:13:56
the most brilliant people I've ever met
00:13:58
but when he said that I looked at him
00:14:00
like he was absolutely insane right I
00:14:03
mean how it could be worse I just lost
00:14:06
my husband like suddenly with no warning
00:14:10
and he said well Dave could have had
00:14:11
that same cardiac arhythmia driving your
00:14:15
children and that happens it happens to
00:14:18
people and the minute he said it I was
00:14:21
like I'm good kids are alive I'm
00:14:25
fine right I mean that thought I could
00:14:28
have lost all three of them
00:14:30
and it's so counterintuitive because you
00:14:32
would think that if you're trying to
00:14:33
recover from hardship or tragedy you
00:14:35
should think positive thoughts but
00:14:37
actually thinking about what things
00:14:39
could be worse helps us see what's still
00:14:41
good in our life and what we can be
00:14:42
grateful for and it is the great irony
00:14:45
of this journey for me and really
00:14:48
studying resilience with Adam and Adam's
00:14:50
Brilliance to this which is that you can
00:14:52
come out of this obviously lingering
00:14:55
sadness lingering grief but more
00:14:58
grateful I am more grateful today than I
00:15:00
was two years ago more grateful for the
00:15:03
gift of life itself something I just
00:15:06
completely took for granted it never
00:15:07
occurred to me Dave wouldn't turn
00:15:10
48 God willing I turned 48 in
00:15:13
August and my God will that birthday
00:15:16
mean a lot to me just like 47 did just
00:15:19
like every birthday everyone around me
00:15:21
has how many people have made a joke oh
00:15:23
I'm turning I guess
00:15:27
20 I'm getting old come on how many
00:15:30
people have made an I'm getting old
00:15:34
joke if I can give you one thing today
00:15:37
don't do
00:15:39
that and I'm not joking don't do that my
00:15:42
cousin Laura turned 50 two months ago
00:15:44
and I called her and said happy birthday
00:15:47
and I bet you woke up this morning with
00:15:48
that oh my God I'm 50
00:15:50
thing this is the Year Dave doesn't turn
00:15:54
50 there are only two choices we grow
00:15:56
older we don't and if we do it is a
00:15:59
gift and just appreciating
00:16:03
that is what we talk about in the book
00:16:05
and Adam taught me is post-traumatic
00:16:07
growth it is the things where you go
00:16:08
through hardship that make your life
00:16:10
better and we believe deeply in
00:16:12
pre-traumatic growth some of you have
00:16:15
faced trauma some of you I got to meet
00:16:17
some of you I haven't but a lot of you
00:16:20
haven't but what would you do if you
00:16:22
knew you had a year left how would you
00:16:27
live what would you do if you remembered
00:16:29
that not everyone lives until your next
00:16:32
birthday you can have that that
00:16:34
gratitude right now right here and it's
00:16:37
pretty incredible
00:16:38
thing so that I think that that surfaces
00:16:41
the the idea of privilege which is you
00:16:44
you have had a lot to be grateful for
00:16:46
there are very few people who have the
00:16:47
resources that you do and who also have
00:16:50
such great supportive friends um who you
00:16:53
know have benefited from your generosity
00:16:55
for for years and had a chance then to
00:16:57
to pay back
00:16:59
um I I found it really interesting when
00:17:01
we started writing about resilience that
00:17:03
resilience research started with
00:17:05
extremely disadvantaged groups um
00:17:07
looking at children in severe poverty
00:17:09
who had suffered violent abuse and
00:17:12
asking how did some of these children
00:17:13
come out so strong anyway and I'm just
00:17:16
wondering if you could talk to us a
00:17:17
little bit about what you've learned
00:17:18
from you know sort of comparing across
00:17:20
the spectrum of of resources that people
00:17:22
have
00:17:24
available nothing prevented this for me
00:17:26
and my kids but I know how lucky are in
00:17:29
many ways still and even in the face of
00:17:32
trauma resources matter and I've thought
00:17:34
a ton and Adam and I have talked a lot
00:17:36
about what it would be like and a lot of
00:17:38
people have this to go through the
00:17:40
trauma I went through and lose your
00:17:41
house and lose your apartment and lose
00:17:44
your job about the single mother waking
00:17:46
up every day in our country where our
00:17:48
public policy is just
00:17:50
abysmal and has to choose between taking
00:17:53
care of a sick child and losing a job
00:17:55
that that she
00:17:57
needs and it is interesting that the
00:18:00
research the book is my story partially
00:18:02
the book is also the research and the
00:18:05
book is lots of other Amazing Stories
00:18:08
some of which are from this community
00:18:09
they're people Adam knew they're
00:18:11
amazing um and the research and the
00:18:14
other stories really come from people of
00:18:17
all different
00:18:18
backgrounds and one thing we've thought
00:18:20
a lot about and we wrote a chapter about
00:18:22
is about Collective resilience
00:18:25
Collective I got through this because
00:18:27
Adam's an unbelievable friend friend you
00:18:30
know someone who could just be there
00:18:31
emotionally and write with me and
00:18:35
process with me and summarize data for
00:18:37
me in ways that maybe wouldn't have
00:18:39
helped others but really helped
00:18:41
me
00:18:44
but but we build resilience in each
00:18:47
other and there are a lot of programs we
00:18:48
talk about in the book that work with
00:18:51
with severely disadvantaged population
00:18:53
the nurse Family Partnership is one
00:18:55
example these interventions where they
00:18:57
go to underprivileged families and they
00:18:59
start visiting homes from pregnancy till
00:19:01
2 years those people 15 years later have
00:19:06
you know half the incarceration rates or
00:19:08
more than that I mean the numbers are
00:19:10
outstanding what happens and it just
00:19:12
shows us that we have a deep
00:19:14
responsibility to help prevent hardship
00:19:16
because hardship is not evenly
00:19:17
distributed racism disadvantage poverty
00:19:21
those people in who face that have more
00:19:24
violence More Death more job loss all of
00:19:28
these things things that cause more
00:19:29
illness so we need to prevent that
00:19:31
hardship in the first place but then we
00:19:33
need to help rebuild and one of the
00:19:35
things we are we are talking about is
00:19:38
both the public policy the corporate
00:19:40
policy but also trying to talk about and
00:19:43
teach how we build Collective resilience
00:19:45
because we have a responsibility to do a
00:19:47
lot more than we do as a society in
00:19:50
terms of what we can do as individuals
00:19:51
to support other people who are
00:19:53
suffering I I remember being a little
00:19:54
stunned by a few of the the comments
00:19:57
that you faced uh you know the friend
00:19:59
who said after a year gee aren't you
00:20:01
done with that grief Thing by now or um
00:20:05
the other so-called friend who said
00:20:06
you're just too angry and sad it's hard
00:20:08
to be around you and I'm wondering if
00:20:11
you can talk a little bit about what you
00:20:13
learned about how to be a good or
00:20:15
supportive
00:20:16
friend Adam's joke that there's a whole
00:20:18
section of self-help books but there's
00:20:20
no help other
00:20:22
section help other section we want our
00:20:24
book and what we're doing with
00:20:26
optionb.org to be in help other section
00:20:28
and I really realized I got a lot of
00:20:29
this wrong before before I lost Dave if
00:20:32
someone was going through something hard
00:20:34
I would mention it the first time maybe
00:20:37
I'm so sorry and then I would never
00:20:38
bring it up again because if they wanted
00:20:40
to talk they should tell me and I didn't
00:20:41
want to remind them that's ludicrous you
00:20:45
can't remind me I lost Dave I know that
00:20:49
and you can't remind someone she went
00:20:52
for K therapy this morning you can't
00:20:54
remind someone that his dad just went to
00:20:56
jail they know
00:20:59
and I'm not saying that every person
00:21:00
will want to talk every time but you can
00:21:02
always acknowledge and always ask I know
00:21:05
you're
00:21:07
suffering I'm here if you want to
00:21:10
talk the other thing I learned was the
00:21:13
power of not just offering to do
00:21:15
anything but doing something again
00:21:16
another thing I got wrong I've said to
00:21:19
many people just let me know if there's
00:21:21
anything I can do and I meant that
00:21:23
really kindly I was coming from a good
00:21:25
place but the problem is when people
00:21:27
said that to me it shifts the burden to
00:21:30
the person who needs the help to answer
00:21:32
the question and what do you say well
00:21:34
can you make Father's Day disappear so I
00:21:36
don't have to live through
00:21:39
it do
00:21:41
something my dear friends Dan and Esther
00:21:43
Levy tragically lost a child and they
00:21:45
were in the hospital for many months and
00:21:47
a friend of his texted and said what do
00:21:49
you not want on a
00:21:51
burger a friend of mine read this book
00:21:54
two weeks ago before it came out I gave
00:21:56
it to her and she has a not close friend
00:21:58
friend who has a child with leukemia and
00:22:01
they went back into the hospital and she
00:22:03
said before she read the book she would
00:22:05
have done nothing because she's not her
00:22:06
best friend how dare she impose they're
00:22:08
in the hospital with leukemia but she
00:22:10
read the book so she went to the toy
00:22:11
store she bought a stuffed animal she
00:22:13
went to the hospital Lobby and she
00:22:14
texted and said I'm in the lobby in case
00:22:17
you want this or you want to come down
00:22:19
but I'm leaving in 15 minutes and the
00:22:21
woman texted right away and said please
00:22:23
come up and she gave this stuffed animal
00:22:25
to the four-year-old and she said the
00:22:27
mother was standing behind her
00:22:29
crying mouthing the words thank you
00:22:32
thank you for showing up you don't have
00:22:34
to be someone's best friend from the
00:22:36
first grade to show up with a burger you
00:22:39
don't and you don't have to be someone's
00:22:42
best friend to mention this asking is
00:22:45
always right it won't be the right thing
00:22:46
to show up in all circumstances but a
00:22:48
lot more showing up and a lot more
00:22:50
acknowledging would help a lot of people
00:22:53
you were determined early on to make
00:22:55
sure that you found joy and I I remember
00:22:59
in the the Facebook post you wrote my
00:23:01
least favorite sentence was I will never
00:23:03
feel another moment of pure joy again I
00:23:05
tried to talk you out of writing it you
00:23:07
wrote it
00:23:10
anyway you clearly should have listened
00:23:12
to me so often when when Adam and I
00:23:14
disagree he's almost always right it's
00:23:16
true I I will I I will say one of my
00:23:18
moments of joy is proving you wrong
00:23:21
but in this case I would have preferred
00:23:23
not to not to have to but I think that
00:23:26
you know it was it was actually really
00:23:27
interesting that you said despite that
00:23:29
right I I'm going to search for Joy um
00:23:31
even though I don't believe that I'm
00:23:32
going to find it and you have found joy
00:23:35
um can you talk to us a little bit about
00:23:37
how well it wasn't easy and one of the
00:23:40
sentences we write in the book that I
00:23:41
really love is that Joy is a discipline
00:23:43
it takes work and it definitely takes
00:23:45
work post loss or grief and it takes
00:23:47
work for a lot of us
00:23:48
anyway about four months after Dave died
00:23:51
I went to at Bar Mitzvah and a childhood
00:23:55
friend uh pulled me on the dance floor
00:23:57
and we were dancing
00:23:58
and a minute in I basically broke down
00:24:01
kind of had to be taken outside it's
00:24:02
kind of embarrassing and I didn't know
00:24:05
what was wrong cuz it felt different
00:24:07
than the grief i' had been experiencing
00:24:08
for 4 months and then I realized oh my
00:24:09
God I was happy for one minute four
00:24:12
months later and then the guilt just
00:24:15
washed through my body just the
00:24:18
guilt how could I be happy when Dave was
00:24:21
gone how dare I be on a dance
00:24:23
floor and around that time my
00:24:25
brother-in-law called me crying on the
00:24:27
phone and he said all they've ever
00:24:28
wanted was for you and your children to
00:24:30
be happy don't take that away from him
00:24:33
in
00:24:35
death so that was the permission I
00:24:37
needed permission to be
00:24:39
happy and I gave it to my kids early I
00:24:42
said Daddy would want you to play Daddy
00:24:45
would want you to be happy but I hadn't
00:24:46
given it to myself but then the question
00:24:48
is how and Adam really helped me the day
00:24:50
after that perit so I came here with my
00:24:52
kids and I told Adam how I collapsed at
00:24:54
the dance floor he's like of course you
00:24:55
did you don't do a single thing that
00:24:57
would make anyone happy
00:24:59
right yeah you're like you're you're
00:25:01
working you're taking care of your kids
00:25:03
and you're writing about grief in a
00:25:05
journal like sounds
00:25:09
delightful but what Adam said is that I
00:25:11
I think I thought happiness was going to
00:25:13
be the big things we think happiness Al
00:25:14
so often is you know getting into pen or
00:25:16
Wharton getting a job having a kid but
00:25:20
happiness is the daily stuff the small
00:25:22
stuff and Adam said start doing things
00:25:24
that are more fun even those that remind
00:25:27
me of Dave I took things back my kids
00:25:28
and I started playing Settlers of Katon
00:25:30
again even though Dave and I had been
00:25:31
playing right before he died I started
00:25:33
watching TV again even though Dave and I
00:25:35
watch Cheryl Sandberg watches TV yeah I
00:25:39
do I used to every night but then I
00:25:42
didn't because it reminded me of Dave
00:25:43
everything fun reminded me of Dave so I
00:25:45
did none of it but I took things back I
00:25:48
took back Game of Thrones even though I
00:25:50
don't really understand it now that
00:25:51
Dave's not
00:25:53
there oh and you all don't either it's
00:25:56
very confusing
00:25:59
unless you read the books which Dave did
00:26:01
there's no way you understand who every
00:26:03
little character is and they die so
00:26:05
quickly you can hardly remember
00:26:08
them I took back Scrabble Dave played
00:26:11
with his brother Rob I Rob Dave and Rob
00:26:15
played and now Dave and I played and now
00:26:17
Rob and I play but I also started
00:26:20
noticing Adam suggest that I write down
00:26:22
three moments of joy in my journal
00:26:23
before I go to bed and I started doing
00:26:26
it and I still do it and they weren't
00:26:29
big had a cup of coffee someone told a
00:26:32
joke my son gave me a hug without being
00:26:36
asked maybe hinted at but not
00:26:40
asked but because I was going to write
00:26:43
them down at the end of the day I notic
00:26:44
them I was like oh that makes the
00:26:45
journal and so I savored them more and
00:26:48
we have to give ourselves permission and
00:26:51
we have to give ourselves the tools what
00:26:53
we focus on is what we focus on it
00:26:55
doesn't mean there's joy every moment
00:26:56
there's not there's still a lot of grief
00:26:58
but there is Joy now and there is pure
00:27:00
joy now there are moments I am
00:27:03
happy and I know Dave would want me to
00:27:06
be I want to talk about uh gender and uh
00:27:10
there's a there's there's one subject in
00:27:12
the book and I think issue core to your
00:27:15
experience and your values um the
00:27:17
bridges the two which is
00:27:19
confidence um I've not known you as a
00:27:22
person lacking in confidence
00:27:25
but pretty early on yeah you you said I
00:27:28
I don't feel like I can do anything Well
00:27:30
you certainly saw it after Dave died I
00:27:32
mean I'd read about grief and so when
00:27:35
the anger came when the sadness came I
00:27:37
had heard about that not in the amount
00:27:39
they came but I wasn't shocked but what
00:27:41
did shock me is really Dave's death
00:27:44
trashed my self-confidence and I had
00:27:46
thought a lot about self-confidence I
00:27:48
wrote lean
00:27:50
in and I had studied selfconfidence I
00:27:53
definitely had trouble with it in
00:27:54
college when I sat where you sat I
00:27:56
learned the data again the data always
00:27:59
helps me that women feel less
00:28:01
self-confidence than
00:28:02
men I don't like sexism even if it's in
00:28:05
myself so I really work to correct it
00:28:07
and in writing leanin in building the
00:28:09
leanin circles all around the world I
00:28:11
gave a lot of women a lot of advice on
00:28:13
how to feel more self-confident and I
00:28:16
took that advice when you're giving
00:28:17
advice all day you take it and so I was
00:28:19
feeling good like I deserved my job like
00:28:22
I could do my job like I could be a good
00:28:23
mother and work stuff I hadn't even felt
00:28:26
a couple years before but it was pretty
00:28:27
solid
00:28:28
and then Dave's death just trashed it
00:28:30
because I was now mothering by myself
00:28:32
two grieving
00:28:33
children I didn't know how to do that
00:28:36
and I went back to work and I could
00:28:37
barely Focus through a meeting and not
00:28:39
think about Dave let alone
00:28:41
contribute and Mark Zuckerberg 15 years
00:28:44
younger than I am I have no idea how he
00:28:45
knew how to do this what I used to do
00:28:47
when someone was going through something
00:28:49
hard at work is offer them time off
00:28:51
really important I think at Facebook we
00:28:53
do this very well I think other
00:28:54
companies need to step up some do well
00:28:57
we need to do better we need better
00:28:58
public policy for those not covered by
00:29:00
companies but I would offer them time
00:29:02
off and I would say things like well of
00:29:05
don't worry of course you can't fully
00:29:07
Focus look at what you're going through
00:29:10
but when people said that to me that
00:29:12
just proved what I knew which is oh my
00:29:13
God I didn't do I can't do my job and
00:29:15
the pervasiveness I've lost da I'm going
00:29:17
to lose my job I'm going to lose
00:29:19
everything and then I'm going to have
00:29:21
nothing to do all day but grieve CU my
00:29:23
kids are going to be in school it was
00:29:24
very
00:29:26
scary but what Mark did is he said oh
00:29:29
you would have made that mistake
00:29:31
before it was actually very comforting
00:29:35
when I fell asleep in the first meeting
00:29:37
of of the first day back he's like a lot
00:29:39
of people fall asleep in
00:29:40
meetings I was like who he's like a lot
00:29:43
of
00:29:44
[Laughter]
00:29:46
people but then he said but you made two
00:29:48
good points today and here's what they
00:29:50
were and he built me back up and now
00:29:55
when someone's going through something
00:29:56
hard I offer them time off I ask if they
00:29:58
want the project taken off them but if
00:29:59
they don't and if they're back I say do
00:30:02
you want to do this you're great at this
00:30:04
or I take the time to complement the
00:30:06
little things that they might not have
00:30:08
needed complimented
00:30:10
before and that's really important
00:30:13
because I think when we think about
00:30:14
helping people get through trauma
00:30:16
through tragedy through loss through
00:30:18
illness through any of these things it
00:30:20
is comforting them and holding them as
00:30:23
they cry and showing up at the hospital
00:30:26
it is also building bu them back up
00:30:28
telling them they can do their job
00:30:31
giving them permission to laugh and
00:30:34
live so let's uh let's talk about how to
00:30:37
support women more effectively um you
00:30:41
you have some pretty strong views about
00:30:43
career advice for women um in particular
00:30:46
can you talk to us about how to manage a
00:30:48
personal brand oh my
00:30:52
God you don't have a
00:30:55
brand I get this question a lot
00:30:57
particular L from Young audiences and I
00:30:59
shudder every time so I'm so glad you
00:31:01
asked it if you think you are building
00:31:03
your personal brand please don't you
00:31:05
don't have a brand Crest has a brand
00:31:09
perier has a
00:31:11
brand I work in marketing these things
00:31:13
are packaged up and marketed like
00:31:15
products but when I hear anyone talk
00:31:17
about building their personal
00:31:20
Brands I know I know that's not right
00:31:23
and the reason it's not right is that
00:31:25
products are marketed this is sparkling
00:31:26
water it is one of my favorites it is
00:31:30
put in a bottle that I really like with
00:31:32
packaging I really like but people are
00:31:35
not that simple and we're not packaged
00:31:38
and when we are packaged we are
00:31:39
ineffective and
00:31:41
inauthentic I don't think I have a brand
00:31:44
but I do think I have a
00:31:46
voice but it is not clear and consistent
00:31:48
and wrapped the same way
00:31:50
consistently it is a voice that I use to
00:31:54
help build a company it is a voice that
00:31:57
I spoke out
00:31:58
women it is a voice that sometimes gets
00:32:00
things wrong I've gotten a lot wrong and
00:32:02
a lot wrong publicly over the
00:32:05
years and it's a voice I now use to talk
00:32:07
about grief and try to break some of the
00:32:09
isolation I
00:32:11
felt if you think you are building a
00:32:14
personal brand you will not have the
00:32:16
career you want to have because you will
00:32:18
not be authentic don't package
00:32:21
yourself just
00:32:23
speak and speak
00:32:26
honestly I think speak with some data
00:32:28
behind you don't assert things that
00:32:30
aren't
00:32:32
true and speak from your experience and
00:32:35
be clear what the differences
00:32:38
are Cheryl another topic you
00:32:46
have another topic you have strong views
00:32:49
about um we know that that women get
00:32:51
much less mentorship and sponsorship
00:32:53
than than men do and you want to change
00:32:56
that
00:32:58
yeah it is amazing uh one of the things
00:33:01
that happens pretty frequently to me but
00:33:03
does not it's always women is women will
00:33:05
say can you be my mentor women I don't
00:33:07
know and I would love that to be the
00:33:10
case but men never say that and I really
00:33:13
can't Mentor someone I don't know and no
00:33:15
one really can and I find it so striking
00:33:18
that women ask that all the time and not
00:33:20
men the other thing and this one I hate
00:33:21
just as much as I hate the brand thing
00:33:23
is will you be on my personal board of
00:33:26
directors no
00:33:28
now now you don't have a personal board
00:33:32
of
00:33:33
directors because you're not a
00:33:36
company much like you're not a bottle of
00:33:39
perer you're not a product and I really
00:33:41
feel strongly about this I have mentored
00:33:44
a lot of people I Mentor a lot of people
00:33:47
and they are people that I've met
00:33:49
through work through organically who
00:33:53
also are working on things with me if
00:33:55
two people start Facebook today and this
00:33:57
happens all the time time I will try to
00:33:58
see anyone I can 3 months in one person
00:34:01
comes to see me and says you're really
00:34:03
important here so I'd like you to help
00:34:05
me I'll try but 3 months later someone
00:34:08
else comes and says I've been working
00:34:10
here for 3 months or 6 months or 3 years
00:34:12
and I've noticed this and I think we got
00:34:14
this wrong or I think you've got this
00:34:15
wrong or I don't understand why we do it
00:34:18
this way I'm so much more likely to
00:34:20
Mentor the second person because the
00:34:22
second person just made a really good
00:34:24
point or a third person pick picks up
00:34:28
and solves a problem if you ask someone
00:34:30
to be on your personal board of
00:34:32
directors you are asking them to do for
00:34:34
you and you're not giving them any tools
00:34:36
to do it the way we build the
00:34:39
relationships where you really Mentor
00:34:41
people are by working with them and by
00:34:44
helping them so don't ask someone if you
00:34:48
can be on their personal they can be on
00:34:49
your personal board of directors ask
00:34:51
someone if they have a problem you can
00:34:53
solve and they will then wind up
00:34:56
advising you
00:34:58
and I'm so sad the way we keep telling
00:35:00
women to ask for help that way not
00:35:02
because we don't need help we all need
00:35:04
help but because it's not going to work
00:35:06
the other thing that is so powerful is
00:35:08
peer
00:35:10
mentorship when I was sitting where
00:35:12
you're
00:35:13
sitting you know if I had fast forwarded
00:35:15
to my
00:35:17
career there was no
00:35:20
internet so I could not have figured out
00:35:22
I would go to Google and
00:35:24
Facebook but the people over the years
00:35:28
that told me not to go to Google and not
00:35:30
to go to Facebook were my mentors the
00:35:33
people who told me to take those jobs
00:35:34
over others older media jobs were my
00:35:38
peers and it's been proven that peer
00:35:40
mentorship can be just as important
00:35:41
leanin circles are one way of doing it
00:35:43
we now have 30,000 in 150 countries we
00:35:46
grow by over a 100 a week we have some
00:35:48
here get into yourself into a group it
00:35:51
can be through lean in or through any
00:35:52
program and Mentor each
00:35:54
other and do a great job and solve a lot
00:35:58
of problems and that is the only way to
00:36:01
get real mentors at
00:36:03
work I want to I want to ask and join a
00:36:05
board you can be on someone else's real
00:36:06
board one
00:36:07
[Laughter]
00:36:09
day there there's one little Wrinkle in
00:36:12
that I think in the you know try to help
00:36:15
the person whose mentoring you want
00:36:17
which is um I every once in a while I'll
00:36:20
have a student come to offs hours and
00:36:21
say how can I help you and I just recoil
00:36:24
because it feels like a violation of the
00:36:26
professor student relationship I became
00:36:28
a professor because I want to be helpful
00:36:29
um not because I want my students to
00:36:31
help but but but but but generic offers
00:36:34
much like an option b aren't as good how
00:36:37
about I think this case study could make
00:36:39
your class better case studies are
00:36:41
terrible that's why I don't teach at
00:36:42
Harvard okay
00:36:47
sorry all
00:36:49
right okay
00:36:52
okay I went to the wrong
00:36:55
School how about
00:36:58
I talked to five people after that
00:36:59
lecture and these are three ways I think
00:37:01
it could be better and I wrote it up for
00:37:03
you that is being helpful you'll take
00:37:06
that or how about you know I think we
00:37:08
would benefit if we did a project or we
00:37:10
did a survey and I wrote it up or I'd
00:37:12
like to do that can I take the
00:37:14
initiative
00:37:15
yeah that works that'll
00:37:18
work don't do the case studies I didn't
00:37:20
like them that much either to be
00:37:22
honest um can you talk a little bit more
00:37:25
about how women can help each other
00:37:29
yeah and I think this is really
00:37:30
important I think there's this myth out
00:37:32
there that women don't help other women
00:37:33
and it's grounded in some reality and
00:37:36
this historically you know historically
00:37:39
if you were the one woman or two women
00:37:41
there really was room for one promotion
00:37:43
because it was a situation where there
00:37:45
was going to be one room in the in the
00:37:46
room one woman in the room if
00:37:49
any um so historically there was I think
00:37:52
the queen bee syndrome people talk about
00:37:54
but I don't think that's true anymore
00:37:57
and
00:37:58
one of the things that happens is that
00:37:59
women get less credit for the ideas they
00:38:01
put forward women get less credit for
00:38:03
the work they do and if you're a man and
00:38:06
you take credit that usually goes pretty
00:38:08
well or at least better for a woman if
00:38:11
you try to take credit that's badly but
00:38:13
saying my dear friend Mindy is here
00:38:15
she's in Alum Mindy did a great job on
00:38:18
that project that is a win-win I look
00:38:21
communal and helpful and I'm supporting
00:38:23
someone else she gets the credit she
00:38:25
deserves jumping in and helping with
00:38:28
we're going to do this
00:38:29
together we really can help each other
00:38:32
it's also an easy way to point out the
00:38:35
biases which exist they exist everywhere
00:38:37
they exist at Facebook I'm sure they
00:38:39
exist in the classroom here going to a
00:38:42
professor and saying you know the women
00:38:43
are getting interrupted more than the
00:38:45
men sometimes it's easier it's great to
00:38:47
do it when it's you but when it's not
00:38:49
you I just watch these three women get
00:38:52
interrupted
00:38:53
today we speak for each other and for
00:38:57
ourselves I don't want to dissuade
00:38:58
anyone for speaking up for themselves
00:39:00
but sometimes we're not as good at that
00:39:02
helping each other is a very good path
00:39:05
to correcting bias building
00:39:08
careers that speaks a little bit to the
00:39:11
the biases that often hold women back
00:39:13
and I will say I've had over the past
00:39:17
few years quite a few undergrads and
00:39:19
mbas um men come by and say look you
00:39:23
know look I understand that there's
00:39:25
supposed to be a lot of biases that you
00:39:27
know that may hurt women but I don't
00:39:29
think those exist today the way they
00:39:31
used to and also you know I see all
00:39:33
these you know like career recruiters
00:39:36
OCR people coming and like creating
00:39:38
special opportunities for women that
00:39:40
feels like it's disadvantaging men and I
00:39:42
always want to say back to them look if
00:39:44
if you actually read the data I'm pretty
00:39:46
convinced that there is not a single
00:39:49
white man who in a lifetime will face
00:39:51
the same kind of bias that a typical
00:39:53
woman does in a week but particularly a
00:39:56
minority woman especially um but it's
00:39:58
it's often hard to to make that case and
00:40:01
I'm wondering if if you could talk a
00:40:02
little bit about how you view those
00:40:04
situations that feel very zero some no
00:40:06
we do we know through the data that um
00:40:09
that white men particularly young white
00:40:10
men believe that the deck is stacked
00:40:12
against them because there's a lot of
00:40:13
talk about diversity someone asked me
00:40:16
that who was a young employee at
00:40:17
Facebook and I just looked at him I said
00:40:19
God if we're biased for women and
00:40:21
minorities do we
00:40:23
suck
00:40:25
right because we don't have enough women
00:40:28
and we don't have enough
00:40:28
underrepresented minorities in senior
00:40:30
rank so if we're actually biased we're
00:40:32
doing it really
00:40:34
badly it's hard to imagine there's bias
00:40:37
against male leadership with 95% of the
00:40:40
Fortune 500 CEO holding those jobs and
00:40:43
and this is important 30% more first
00:40:46
promotions last year for men than women
00:40:51
based on the most comprehensive survey
00:40:53
done which is the lean in McKenzie
00:40:54
survey of of over 100 companies
00:40:58
30% more first promotions for men with
00:41:01
the same
00:41:01
tenure so if there's bias the other way
00:41:05
it sure isn't showing up in the data and
00:41:07
I think we need to recognize that the
00:41:09
biases are really real and we need to
00:41:11
call them out and explain what they are
00:41:15
and it's definitely
00:41:17
gender a man can be competent and liked
00:41:20
because as he gets more powerful and
00:41:22
considered more competent we like him
00:41:23
more women face a trade-off as they get
00:41:26
more powerful we like them
00:41:27
less you can give out a resume the same
00:41:31
resume with a white sounding name and a
00:41:33
black sounding
00:41:35
name and the white sounding name will
00:41:37
get 50% more call backs it's worth 8
00:41:41
years of experience in the workforce to
00:41:43
have a white sounding name over a black
00:41:45
sounding name that is recent
00:41:48
data the biases are
00:41:51
real you audition Orchestra members
00:41:54
behind a screen and all of a sudden you
00:41:57
you hire more women some of those women
00:41:59
were backups they were T whatever they
00:42:01
call them under studies no forget what
00:42:04
they call that understudy they were
00:42:05
playing in the orchestra as Subs but
00:42:07
they didn't realize they were that good
00:42:09
until they were behind a screen because
00:42:11
they were women and so the data is super
00:42:13
clear on this and I think we have to
00:42:16
make sure that we are willing to call
00:42:18
out the
00:42:20
biases without making people feel I
00:42:22
think the other answer is we have to
00:42:24
recognize that a more equal world where
00:42:26
people were given equal opportunity
00:42:29
despite sorry given equal opportunity
00:42:32
without regards to race without regards
00:42:34
to gender would be a better world we
00:42:37
would be more productive our companies
00:42:39
would be better run our kids would be
00:42:41
happier and do better in school and so
00:42:44
it's better for everyone this is not a
00:42:46
zero sum game economic growth moves a
00:42:49
lot of companies up and we could have
00:42:51
more of it one more question before we
00:42:54
go to the audience questions um I get a
00:42:56
lot of students uh some who are here in
00:42:58
the audience today asking uh what I
00:43:01
think of their 12-year career plan or
00:43:03
the 15-year path yeah they've mapped out
00:43:06
what would you like to say to those
00:43:07
students yeah so the trash can with the
00:43:09
personal
00:43:11
brand and the personal board of
00:43:13
directors you put your your what is your
00:43:15
six-year plan sure yeah when I was where
00:43:18
you are Mark Zuckerberg was in
00:43:19
elementary
00:43:22
school and so if I had mapped out my
00:43:24
career I would not be here I would not
00:43:28
and could not be here you need a long
00:43:30
run dream and think about what it is and
00:43:33
make it big and ambitious particularly
00:43:35
if you're a woman particularly if you're
00:43:37
an underrepresented minority you can do
00:43:40
anything but white men too all of us you
00:43:42
can do anything we don't want to leave
00:43:45
you
00:43:47
out but I want to be clear why I say it
00:43:49
that way we know that performance of
00:43:54
minorities and women is systematic Al
00:43:57
underestimated compared to white men and
00:43:59
we know that it's systematically
00:44:02
underestimated by them as well as other
00:44:04
people and so there's a reason I said
00:44:07
that so we take a minute and everyone
00:44:11
ambitious doesn't mean you need to be
00:44:13
CEO I know not everyone wants a
00:44:16
corporate job but ambitious to make a
00:44:18
difference in the world to live your
00:44:21
dreams ask yourself what you would do if
00:44:23
you weren't afraid long run and then ask
00:44:27
ask yourself what am I doing in the next
00:44:28
year or two to get there you know year
00:44:31
two years I say 18 months cuz it feels
00:44:33
kind of in the middle it is a great idea
00:44:35
to map that out and it's not just what
00:44:38
you're going to do and what's going to
00:44:39
go on your resume something people worry
00:44:41
about too much now it's what skills am I
00:44:44
going to learn what am I bad at that I
00:44:47
might need to get better at try that
00:44:50
don't build the perfect resume no one
00:44:52
buys those
00:44:53
anyway give yourself the opportunity to
00:44:55
fail and to do the stuff you you don't
00:44:57
think you can do yet because you're
00:44:58
going to need those
00:44:59
later and map out the next year or two
00:45:04
of skill building of investing in
00:45:06
yourself and do not try to connect the
00:45:09
short-term plan to the long run dream
00:45:11
because you will miss opportunities
00:45:12
because Facebook didn't
00:45:14
exist and I believe that so strongly I
00:45:17
think you all grew up in a much more
00:45:19
structured world than I did and even the
00:45:22
world I grew up in is pretty structured
00:45:24
it doesn't work that way careers are a
00:45:27
jungle gym not a ladder move sideways
00:45:30
and backwards be willing to try new
00:45:32
things but don't tie yourself up in Nots
00:45:35
building the perfect resume or building
00:45:37
the perfect long run plan because it
00:45:40
will hold you back it really
00:45:42
will so we're
00:45:45
taking
00:45:50
sure we're taking audience questions uh
00:45:53
we have a a really interesting platform
00:45:56
called Facebook that you can use to
00:45:59
submit uh you can submit them on the
00:46:01
authors at Wharton page for those who
00:46:03
are interested we have a bunch already
00:46:04
so here's one that I like
00:46:08
um I'll add a little bit of color to
00:46:10
this too uh Facebook has redefined what
00:46:12
it means to be a friend um or at least
00:46:15
broaden the term friendship um and I
00:46:18
will say this took on personal meaning
00:46:20
for me when uh one day you introduced me
00:46:23
as your friend and I didn't realize we
00:46:24
were
00:46:25
friends uh how do you actually Define a
00:46:27
friend and what do you think of when you
00:46:29
think of
00:46:34
friendship I mean there are your closest
00:46:36
friends your your more distant friends
00:46:38
but I think a friend is someone who has
00:46:40
your interest at heart and wants things
00:46:42
to go well for
00:46:44
you and someone who will be there when
00:46:46
things are hard and celebrate when you
00:46:49
when things are
00:46:53
good go on I mean I I think think that's
00:46:57
it actually I think it's pretty simple
00:46:59
it takes different forms we need
00:47:01
different things from our friends over
00:47:03
different years but do you have a term
00:47:05
for those people who are like in between
00:47:07
friend and colleague or
00:47:11
acquaintance I don't know if I spend a
00:47:13
lot a lot of time thinking about what
00:47:15
what you call that but I
00:47:18
think I think it's nice to think of the
00:47:21
world is filled with a lot of
00:47:24
friends I think losing taught me that
00:47:27
there's a lot I could
00:47:30
do for friends there's a lot they did
00:47:32
for
00:47:33
me it's pretty special thing to have
00:47:37
people that care that care about you and
00:47:38
have the people you can keep in touch
00:47:40
with over the course of your
00:47:42
life there are uh several people who
00:47:44
want us to talk a little bit about the
00:47:45
process of writing option b uh my
00:47:50
recollection of it was I would uh
00:47:54
receive usually a journal entry from you
00:47:56
um and then then read it and give
00:47:57
feedback and then I would draft some
00:47:59
research and I would get like lot of
00:48:02
track changes about 4 seconds
00:48:04
later and uh I'm wondering what you
00:48:08
remember from
00:48:09
it I mean so Adam and I it's been for me
00:48:12
one of the best if not the best
00:48:14
collaboration certainly writing I've had
00:48:16
in my career we we wrote together before
00:48:18
we wrote A New York Times series on
00:48:20
women in leadership uh based on the data
00:48:22
and
00:48:23
experience um and this book really has
00:48:26
three Parts it's my story which come
00:48:28
from my journal entries not everything
00:48:31
of course I don't share everything but
00:48:32
some of that and some research and Adam
00:48:35
always wrote the first draft of that and
00:48:36
then a lot of other people's stories of
00:48:38
just amazing people who have faced all
00:48:41
kinds of adversity and learned a lot
00:48:42
that they can share and we kind of split
00:48:45
writing those
00:48:46
up and I know that as much as Adam
00:48:49
helped me get through this and is still
00:48:52
helping me because I'm still getting
00:48:53
through it the process for me of writing
00:48:56
was so
00:48:58
important you know I like writing the
00:49:00
first drops when I do I like I like I
00:49:02
like editing he likes writing he likes
00:49:04
editing finding one voice was hard we
00:49:07
wrote the book we started writing it as
00:49:09
we because it really is we we both wrote
00:49:11
it together but it just it couldn't read
00:49:13
well so much of it was my story so we
00:49:15
went back to first person
00:49:17
singular and Adam I say Adam that part's
00:49:21
a little weird but there was like no
00:49:22
other way no other way to do this but
00:49:24
the writing process itself was
00:49:28
uh for me was really really a fun
00:49:32
one uh two two final questions one is uh
00:49:36
can you tell us a little bit about how
00:49:37
you would go back and live college or
00:49:38
business school differently oh my God
00:49:41
yes I really I'm so glad to get that
00:49:45
question my son um his team basketball
00:49:48
team lost the
00:49:51
playoffs and all the other little boys
00:49:54
were pretty upset this happened a few
00:49:55
weeks ago and and they some were crying
00:49:58
and I said are you okay and he was Mom
00:50:01
this is sixth grade
00:50:06
basketball I'm
00:50:08
fine but what he was saying was that his
00:50:10
friends hadn't lost their
00:50:12
father so they thought it was a super
00:50:14
big
00:50:15
deal I am sure there are students here
00:50:18
that super big deal things are happening
00:50:20
to some of you are losing parents some
00:50:23
of you do have cancer some of you are
00:50:25
facing life-threatening illnesses
00:50:28
but the rest of the stuff please some
00:50:31
perspective students are so nervous I
00:50:34
promise it is not going to matter to
00:50:36
your career if you are elected president
00:50:38
of whatever Club you are
00:50:40
forming and it's not really going to
00:50:43
matter I hope this is okay Dean if you
00:50:45
get like an A or a b or whatever form
00:50:47
you use for that if you even have grades
00:50:48
here do you have grades
00:50:51
here just checking after the whole case
00:50:53
study fiasco
00:50:58
but most of everything I worried about
00:51:01
in college and business school was silly
00:51:04
and that doesn't mean I'm not trying to
00:51:05
belittle it at all I'm really I'm not I
00:51:09
know that breakups are real working hard
00:51:11
on classes are real it just doesn't have
00:51:14
this importance I thought it did and
00:51:17
perspective would have made me
00:51:19
understand it better and deal with it
00:51:21
better and I do think for whatever
00:51:24
reason students today and I do interact
00:51:25
with a lot of them we do a lot of
00:51:27
recruiting or
00:51:29
anxious and like I have something to
00:51:32
tell you you guys go to Warden and then
00:51:35
you're going to be
00:51:37
fine there are a lot of people in our
00:51:40
society who are going to have a hard
00:51:42
time getting jobs that's not you it's
00:51:45
very clear that's not
00:51:48
you and so some laughter some
00:51:51
perspective do the stuff you enjoy you
00:51:54
will be better at it will help you a lot
00:51:58
and I wish I had known that more when I
00:52:00
was in school what I would do to take
00:52:03
art history now I mean what a fun thing
00:52:07
to
00:52:08
take it was harder for me than the
00:52:10
economics I majored and I stressed a lot
00:52:13
now I just wish I enjoyed it because
00:52:15
when I go to museums I don't remember
00:52:16
stuff and I think that's because I was
00:52:18
so nervous about
00:52:20
it so Cheryl in closing um you're you're
00:52:24
the leader I admire most um but more
00:52:26
than that you're the the friend for me
00:52:28
who has redefined what it means to be a
00:52:30
giver and uh I'm just so grateful that
00:52:34
you were willing to come here um with
00:52:35
all the priorities that you have on your
00:52:37
plate I am aware though that you know
00:52:40
there's a little bit of a a Bittersweet
00:52:42
flavor to this visit because you
00:52:44
disappointed some very important family
00:52:46
members by not coming to
00:52:48
pen and in of that my mom wanted me to
00:52:51
come to pen maybe we'll draw you back to
00:52:54
teach a class one day but in lie of that
00:52:58
I wonder if you could just share um as a
00:53:00
as a wouldbe Alum uh your wishes for the
00:53:04
audience oh I like that I will say that
00:53:08
Adam has redefined friendship for me I
00:53:13
am I believe to the extent I have been
00:53:16
able to find joy and happiness in my
00:53:18
life Adam is just a ginormous part of
00:53:21
that because he showed up and he showed
00:53:22
up
00:53:24
often he did what Dan's friend did he
00:53:26
didn't just show up with a burger he
00:53:27
showed up with the information and the
00:53:30
love and the support I needed and I know
00:53:32
his dear wife uh couldn't be with us
00:53:35
tonight
00:53:36
cuz kid kids kids are sick but she did
00:53:39
too and I'm so grateful for both of
00:53:42
them and wishes for all of you
00:53:46
wow I
00:53:50
wish that you
00:53:52
focus on what you care about
00:53:56
that you do the things you believe
00:53:58
in that you believe it's going to work
00:54:02
out even when it didn't work out when I
00:54:05
lost my husband so
00:54:08
suddenly there's another side there's
00:54:11
another day there's another laugh
00:54:13
there's another cup of coffee and
00:54:15
there's another day to cry
00:54:21
too last year right around now Dave on
00:54:26
May 1st it was 11 days before May 1st a
00:54:29
friend of
00:54:31
mine had this
00:54:33
conversation and we talked about
00:54:36
how a year before Dave had 11 days
00:54:41
left and we had no idea how would I have
00:54:45
lived my life if I had 11 days left and
00:54:48
I don't mean blow off your classes cuz
00:54:50
it turns out that like investing in
00:54:52
yourself and doing real things it's not
00:54:54
about partying all the time even though
00:54:56
some of that's
00:54:57
good but what would you do with your
00:55:00
life if you knew it was
00:55:02
limited Katie kurick interviewed me and
00:55:05
Adam on the stage in New York on Sunday
00:55:06
it was our first book event and she said
00:55:08
something pretty profound she said
00:55:10
everyone's
00:55:13
terminal everyone's terminal like you
00:55:16
only have so many days left and you
00:55:18
actually none of us we don't know how
00:55:19
many they are live them worry less live
00:55:24
more
00:55:27
love more more
00:55:30
joy I wish that so deeply for all of
00:55:35
[Applause]
00:55:41
you for more insight from knowledge at
00:55:43
Wharton please visit knowledge. won.
00:55:47
up.edu
00:55:50
[Music]
